#A lot of things werent great in our relationship but that thing i think impacted me the most. Bc it made me feel i was being...

[mrfoox]

Bruh. Self... Analyzing and reflecting on past relationships is.... Rough

[stanharu]

beastars episode 24 thoughts!

this post got kinda long i have Many Thoughts on this one

Overall I had fun watching this ep but I could really tell it was rushed and there was so much that got cut, which makes me super sad. our fears about the finale having pacing issues due to all the added scenes & rearranging were confirmed & it rly sucks, but i'll elaborate more on that in a bit.

this week's ep covered the end of chapter 92, chapters 93-97, and included small bits of chapters 98 & 99.

so the ep starts with the ED and the latter part of the tunnel scene with ibuki and louis. i liked the visual effect they used to show that they were in the dark. louis' voice acting was also On Point. for the most part i think this scene was done pretty well but I can tell it's being rushed also. I really wish we got more buildup and narration instead of just jumping straight to ibuki telling louis to shoot him. the way it is in the anime feels less impactful imo.

also im sad we didnt get to see this in the anime

before i move on, i wanna talk a bit about louis and his relationship w/ the shishigumi and ibuki. i feel like in the anime quite a few of the lil moments that really endear you to the shishigumi and also ibuki were either cut or kinda glossed over, which is strange to me considering how much effort and care went into the ED. it's very emotional and good but i feel like maybe anime onlies are missing out only seeing the anime and the MV. but idk.

legosi and riz's fight was quite rushed as well. there's so much narration and dialogue missing from it and that really rubs me the wrong way. It wasn't all bad but compared to the manga I just don't think it's as good. I will say tho that I really liked the sequence w legosi and the moths. I thought it looked really nice and was pretty well done.

also i liked how the backgrounds had some anti-yahya graffiti, its a nice touch imo

it says "high quality horse meat"

I was happy to see legosi do the "tell me more" pose but I'm honestly disappointed that the anime took out the whole exposition about why legosi did it. like i feel like without that it's just legosi being weird when he has a reason for it!!! This is just one example of the anime taking out crucial narration during the fight.

I also think it's kinda weird how they changed how louis shows up at the fight. im not sure how i feel about riz just charging at him like that, but i liked how legosi kicked him before they ran lol.

i dont have much to say about pina's small scene but I did wanna say that during my first watch thru of the ep i was too distracted trying to read the graffiti behind him that i didn't notice him getting his phone out of the dumpster and calling the cops lmao

it says "devour yahya"

and now... here we are... the predation scene.

overall i thought it was pretty well done but, like the rest of the ep, i could tell it was also being kinda rushed. some important beats werent given enough time to really sink in, and there's a few bits of narration taken out of this part as well that i find disappointing :^(

tho i did like how the anime called back to this scene in s1 when legosi mentions utilizing his strength.

also this part where louis is remembering ibuki had me like😭

I also really liked seeing louis cry. I was crying too sjdflskjdflsjkdf. i thought that scene was really good, its prolly my favorite part of the ep tbh. getting to hear the whole predation scene voiced made me kind of a mess lol. i really liked louis' expressions throughout this whole ep too. studio orange used their whole louis expression budget on these last 2 eps lmao.

seeing legosi instantly get all beefed up was great too. he looked a little ridiculous but i kinda loved it lol. he's so huge and poofy. i love him.

big pomeranian

anyway, im also sad they took out louis' line about being reduced to a flashback character lol. instead he tells legosi "be a hero" again which... im not sure about that change. i liked the part with riz thinking back about tem tho. tho imo the way riz realizes he's in the wrong feels pretty sudden. again adding to how rushed the whole ep feels.

before i move on again i just wanna say legosi looks so cute. even all puffed up and covered in blood. how does he do that

baby boy baby. i wanna ruffle his cheek floofs.

i think one of the things im most disappointed about from this whole ep was how the fight got wrapped up. i really like how the cops show up and totally shift the tone in the manga jslkdfjskljdf. im also really sad we didnt get this interaction

tthe anime really took out most of the sillier moments from the finale, which makes me pretty sad to think about. i know the anime and manga have different tones but pls let the boys be silly sometimes!!

the next part where legosi and louis finally establish their friendship was really cute tho ❤️ even tho it was pretty different i enjoyed it a lot.

BABIESSSS 🥺😭❤️❤️

the wrap-up for this arc and this episode gave me whiplash sdjlfkjsdf. it literally speedruns thru legosi's predation conviction, being released, louis & haru's graduation, and legosi deciding he's going to drop out of school. that is SO MUCH AT ONCE. also i was holding out hope that legosi would have his new years call with haru after the fight instead but that didnt happen!! so it just got cut!!! kinda mad about that tbh. legosi and haru having a lil scene at the very end made up for it a lil bit but that's still one of haru's few moments in this arc that's just not included.

we didnt even get the part wher legosi learns he can't marry haru bc of his conviction.

ive been really hoping for a season 3 announcement once this season ended. with all the background allusions to yahya, the added plot point of someone stealing elephant tusks, and sebun and melon's lil cameos in this season, it seemed to me that studio orange was kinda teasing a 3rd season. but now, with the dismissive way the anime ended, and paru's note from earlier today, im less sure about the possibility of a 3rd season. i'd still like to see the rest of the series animated, but i guess we'll just have to wait and see if more anime is announced in the future.

if we do get another season in the future i just hope that we swing back around and actually address the things that got completely glossed over in the last couple minutes of this episode instead of charging forward w/o touching them again.

i really think the finale for this arc should've been two episodes at least. not including the tunnel scene. i think then things wouldn't have felt so rushed. people have been saying this season really would have benefitted from at least 1 extra episode and i cant help but agree. some have even suggested a whole 24 episodes just for this arc, but i think that this arc couldve been done properly with 12 or 13 episodes if there was some better prioritizing on what to include and what to cut.

like i dont mind not getting the parts about legosi's family if they can be addressed somehow in a future season (or if theres no more future anime seasons thats a plot thread that doesnt have to be worried about). i could have lived w/o seeing sheila & peach's chapter animated if it meant more time for the focus of this arc. and was the kangaroo red herring really necessary?

adaptation wise, i dont think this season was as good as the first. i still think it did fairly well, but i know that it could have been much better. ive been excited to watch this season with my friends once the dub releases, but now im wondering if i should just tell them to read the manga instead. sighs idk. perhaps it comes thru better as a bingewatch, or perhaps im being a bit too harsh. idk. at some point ill do a rewatch and see how i feel about the season as a whole, but that wont be for a while.

if you've read this far, thanks for reading my ramblings!! it's been fun to make these posts every week and im gonna miss getting new episodes every week.

[rickriordanfandam]

opinions on riordanverse ; my edition

a lot of people have been doing this so i decided why not right. probably gna lose some followers or smth but anyways. pls respect my opinions! if u disagree, thats fine, but please be polite. unless any of my opinions strikes u as morally wrong then pls point it out to me respectfully. thanks!

- i actually liked drew. im so sorry to everyone who hates her but full offence, why. think about it this way ok, first of all drew became hc because silena died. silena was the traitor, the one who betrayed chb, yet after she died campers celebrated her as a hero? and then drew suddenly has to replace her and live up to idk that legacy she left behind,, when all of a sudden this girl named piper swoops in and takes her place. idk abt u but i wld be salty abt that too. not only that, but as an asian, the chances of drew having faced racism/bullying as a child is pretty high (she studies at brooklyn academy). which means that when she finds out shes a demigod, and arrives at chb where most of the campers are white (this is an assumption btw), she’d obviously be scared of being bullied for her skin color right?? so the first thing she wld do before the campers get to bully her is to bully them before they can do so. (sentence structure here is wack i apologize) ofc this might not even have happened, drew could have had a perfect childhood && was a b1tch for no reason, BUT EVEN THEN HER ROLE AS A BULLY WAS PRETTY VITAL BECAUSE THAT FURTHER SHOWED THE CONTRAST BETWEEN HER AND PIPER,, HIGHLIGHTING PIPER AS A HERO//GOOD CHARACTER,, AND THEREFORE MAKING READERS LIKE PIPER MORE. anyway stop hating on drew please. ALSO WHY IS THIS SO LONGA SDFJHG

- jason isnt bland, the fandom just kinda erased his backstory (thanks to @pjohoo-memes for the phrasing lol)

- reynabeth wouldnt have lasted/would have broken up several times. idk i just see them as two extremely powerful characters who have firm opinions and will definitely clash at some point. in a platonic relationship,, i can see them as really good friends but as lovers? idk i just think theyll break up

- PIPABETH

- i dont really like jercy,, i see them as better friends than lovers. also idt jason and percy were that close..?

- the dam and not my type jokes are srsly cringey and were never funny. ik that seems hypocritical since my username literally makes use of the dam joke but honestly i dont actually like the joke. its not funny to me and has never been funny

- the seven were not best friends. they definitely argued,, and honestly probably werent as close as the fandom makes them seem. like ure dumped with 6 other people, out of which u only know a few. my introverted ass would have jumped off the argo 2 quicker than leo valdez could bomb camp jupiter up. also leo was a dick to frank. so what if frank is bigger sized?? thats not a valid reason to tease him

- the fandom needs to stop hating on octavian while worshipping luke. if u hate luke and u say u hate octavian too, then okay. but if u tell me ure a luke stan but u despise octavian?? imma disagree w u. luke was worse than octavian im sorry. first of all, octavian being a dick was kinda justified. hes been after the praetor position for so long, and everyone keeps saying to “wait for jason” when suddenly this dude, whos a son of NEPTUNE (neptune wasnt liked much by romans), and the camp decides to make him praetor?? dude i would be pissed off big time. and then afterwards, he finds out that greek demigods are real and the dude they made praetor is greek. AND THEN GREEK DEMIGODS COME TO CJ AND ONE OF THEM BOMB IT UP?? octavian has been told all his life that greeks are scum and this dude called leo valdez attacks cj. sure it was an accident, but did octavian know that? no. so it was honestly justified that he was such a salty prick im just saying. also some of yall be hating on octavian for cutting a teddy bear open and thats the funniest shit ive ever heard i swear 

- luke didnt go to elysium

- travis and connor stoll r way too underrated. the two have been head counselors of the hermes cabin since luke was revealed as a traitor, can u imagine the stress? luke, the person they probably looked up to as a brother, betrayed them. and they didnt even have time to process this when they were  thrown the roles of being hcs. that would have been so stressful and i would probably have broken down if i were them. the stoll brothers taking turns to wake up at ungodly hours because a new camper is crying and homesick and terrified, the stoll brothers having to comfort and take care of new campers, having to deal with the amount of people in that cramped space because not enough campers are being claimed fast enough. having to resolve issues between campers in the hermes cabin all the time. the stolls arent just comedic relief, and we need to stop treating them as such

- tratie shldve been canon idc idc

- demigods of the demeter cabin arent talked about enough and i love the fact that meg was demeters kid. like she isnt the child of one of the big three yet shes so powerful.

- we need to hype clarisse up more her character arc was phucking amazing 

- rachel is overhated. sis found out greek gods exist and regularly come down to earth to fuck around and went “ok cool”. queen shit behavior methinks

- the floor 19 crew of mcga is srsly underrated. like do u even remember halfborn gunderson, mallory keen, tj, etc??? bc i feel like we only remember samirah, magnus, alex, and sometimes blitz and hearthstone

- sadie (tkc) was kinda annoying at first. i like her more now tho but i rmb not liking her for a phat while

- tkc and mcga need more love

- carter kane and jason grace arent boring. theyre just really sweet boys who are too good for this world and yes yes yes 

- hazel and frank (especially frank) need to be hyped up more. i hardly ever see anything about them. also yall seem to forget that frank was literally made praetor and that even hecate admired hazel and was willing to fight beside her because of how powerful she was

- frazels age gap is kinda sketch but i still think theyre really cute

- nico definitely had trauma from going to tartarus on his own

- GROVER IS PERCYS BEST FRIEND

- annabeth isnt smarter than leo but neither is leo smarter than annabeth. ive seen a lot of discussions about who is smarter and heres my hot take on it: neither. theyre equally smart, just in different ways. leos a genius mathematically speaking. he has no issues solving math problems meant for people much, much older than him. annabeth on the otherhand, is great at strategies etc. she can make an army of 1000 more powerful than the enemy, even if theyre outnumbered. so in my opinion, both are equally as smart//u cant compare their intelligence, because their talents lie in two different areas.

- while i do agree rick riordan isnt a god and that hes bound to make mistakes,, AND that hes given us a lot of representation,, if the representation offends the people its sposed to represent, then theres a problem. im talking about piper as a poc and wearing feathers in her hair. im not a poc, so i cant speak for them on whether or not its wrong, because i dont know either. HOWEVER, i have seen multiple posts BY pocs talking about how they didnt really like rick’s representation of piper, and thats an issue. pocs have been and are still oppressed and discriminated against by many. as a white cis man, we cant really blame him for not knowing (tho he could have done a research,, asked some pocs,, idk), but by representing pocs in that manner, hes influencing impressionable kids/teens into thinking “oh pocs wear feathers in their hair all the time” etc, which isnt true. the pjo/hoo series is extremely successful, and kids who read the books will probably start forming inaccurate opinions on pocs. the amount of fan art that depicts piper with feathers in her hair dont help either. “but rick said so in the books, so its canon” yeah well rick isnt a god and he can get some things wrong at times. im not saying we should cancel him, im saying we should start educating ourselves and not spread false info like pocs wearing feathers in their hair all the time. also that snake song shit where she sang Summertime was just- yeah. bc heres the thing you can be racist, and still include minorities, but portray them in a racist way. And even then, ignorance isn't a thing to admire. Getting those facts wrong still has a major impact. It continues to perpetuate racist stereotypes.

“ With the feather thing, I looked it up myself; it takes less than five minutes to figure out that Cherokees don't braid feathers into their hair. I didn't grow up in the country where my parents are from. I have many other first/second generation American friends who have also been through that, with a bit of a disconnect from their culture. But something that most of us have in common is that when we didn't know something, and when our parents weren't that big of a help, we looked it up. We sought out resources online and through other people from our culture to be able to connect more with where we came from. Some of that took a Google search. So I find it hard to believe that Piper, a girl who Rick's trying to portray as someone who is attempting to connect with her culture and is totally against racist stereotypes, wouldn't know that eagle feathers aren't supposed to be braided into your hair casually. She may be disconnected from her culture, but she's also shown to want to connect back to it. Piper wouldn't be casually braiding feathers into her hair while also telling off people for being racist. It makes no sense.” - reddit thread (down below) 

for those of yall who wanna know more please please read this, it has a lot of things i wanna add in here : https://www.reddit.com/r/camphalfblood/comments/gy3gl2/piper_mcleans_portrayal_is_innacurate/ 

as well as https://finding-my-culture.tumblr.com/post/189422373260/maxie-ratties-and-cattie-finding-my-culture 

i will be posting screenshots of these in future posts so if ure viewing this on ig and u dont have tumblr,, dont worry 

- the fact that most of the strong female characters in the series refuse to be “girly”, and ngl i dont really like that. just because ure girly doesnt mean u cant be strong. 

- piper would have been a great way for him to start making the strong characters act girlier, but instead he went with the “I’m not like other girls” trope which is quite obnoxious to hear constantly, and I don’t think it’s necessarily great for younger girls to read that idea growing up.  the closest we've ever had to a strong female character who was also into "girly" things was Silena. when I was younger I admired Piper's "I'm not like other girls" thing, but then I got older and realized that the whole mentality of "not like other girls" is super obnoxious, and a little bit toxic

i have a heck load more that i cant rmb rn but yeah feel free to add more 

[vincent-marie]

A Look Back on TREASURE PLANET

So recently I rewatched TREASURE PLANET for the first time in about fifteen years and… I'm not gonna lie, it's still my personal favorite of the 2D Disney animated features from the early to mid-2000s.

Let's be real. Of the 2D features Disney released around that time period, TREASURE PLANET is one of the more solid films. ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE had some interesting ideas and some really nice design work and animation, but it really needed to be at least two hours long if it wanted to flesh out the characters and the world-building without requiring supplementary material (like a special edition of Disney Adventure magazine). Hardly anybody remembers BROTHER BEAR was even a thing, and the less said about HOME ON THE RANGE, the better. (Seriously, that movie wasn't even worth the Steve Buscemi cameo.)

The only other film of that era that has really held up was LILO AND STITCH, and I'll admit it's probably a better film than TREASURE PLANET. It took more risks in terms of character, setting and originality, and emotionally it leaves more of an impact. (That scene when Nani sings to Lilo makes me cry like a baby every time.) My only problem with it is it always felt like two entirely different movies collided with each other and it never felt like they really meshed well. Otherwise, I agree with most fans that it’s a good film.

Also, of course, there was the excellent THE EMPEROR’S NEW GROOVE, which was just such a huge departure from Disney’s normal schtick and trying something more Tex Avery-esque, only for it to be a perfect storm instead of a total crash and burn. That is much to be proud of.

Going back to TREASURE PLANET, I can understand that most folks walk away saying it’s an "okay" film. I, however, am not one of those people. I've had a real soft spot for this movie ever since I saw it, but now I appreciate this film for additional reasons.

Namely, the animation and effects work. Holy crap, is this movie gorgeous! It's like watching Don Bluth's ANASTASIA, except I don't have to feel guilty about historical inaccuracies. (Now it’s just scientific inaccuracies, but STAR WARS gets away with that all the time.)

Directors John Musker and Ron Clements had apparently wanted to do a sci-fi retelling of "Treasure Island" since before they started working on THE LITTLE MERMAID. With that in mind I do feel like this movie would have fared better with critics back in the early 90s during the Disney Renaissance. However at that time they would not have had such elaborate and detailed CG effects within arm's reach. There's something I really enjoy about the use of 3D backdrops so that they may do sweeping camera movements, and that's not even getting into the lighting effects to establish atmosphere.

What's more, there are a lot of subtleties to the character animation that I never appreciated until now. You could just pick one character and focus on him or her during the whole movie and find a lot of fun little quirks in their dialogue or walk cycles.

Admittedly, much of this film’s appeal probably depends on how much of an animation fan you are. In my case I was watching John Silver’s animation and I suspected that Glen Keane was probably in charge of animating him (as there are moments when Silver looks so much like Ratigan). Those suspicions were confirmed during the end credits and I was delightfully geeking out about it.

It’s also easy to see where this film might not have had a lot of mass appeal. Most of the focus on the story is on Jim Hawkins and his daddy issues, which by the early 2000s was already a cliche of a character arc. And it’s not helped by the fact that Jim himself is... well, kind of on the bland side as a protagonist. There’s not a lot about him that makes him any more or less interesting than any other teenage male lead. But for what it is I think the movie did fine at establishing and building the relationship between Jim and Silver, which does have its warm and comforting moments. For both of them.

And at least the film is straightforward with its plot and characters and it’s not a structural mess like HERCULES, a previous venture by Musker and Clements.

Something I’ve noticed over the years is that TREASURE PLANET has a little bit of a cult following. I distinctly remember this one time when I was taking a storyboard class in college; we were assigned to do a “Master Study” assignment by recreating the key story frames in our favorite scene in a favorite animated movie. One of my classmates picked the scene when Jim is brought home to the inn by the police and embarrasses his mother. I recall being so impressed, and even a little envious, that she got the character design style down to a T. (If you’re wondering what movie/scene I picked for my Master Study, I picked the Big Ben scene from THE GREAT MOUSE DETECTIVE.)

Then, of course, some friends and I suspect that TREASURE PLANET might have fared better if it had been released a bit later, more towards the height of the Steampunk craze. It’s not quite what I would call “Steampunk”, as it takes place in a sort of alternate universe version of the 18th century and not the Gothic era, and most of their transport is solar-powered and not steam-based. Nevertheless it’s easy to see how fans of Steampunk could find it appealing, with its mostly earth-tone color pallet to evoke the painted illustrations of the classic novel it was based on. Also that combination of a pre-20th century aesthetic with out-of-this-world science fiction elements is pretty much, in my opinion, what makes Steampunk so much fun to play around with. Also, a robot made out of copper. End of story.

In terms of why this film didn’t do so well when it was released, I suspect what stunted its success was the marketing. I could be wrong, as I was actually living in Honduras at the time of the film’s release, but we got some TV stations from Denver, Colorado. I remember a lot of the TV spots spent most of their time highlighting the goofy comic relief moments with Morph, and there was a real emphasis on the presence of B.E.N., even though he's in less than one-third of the movie. In other words, the film's success might have been partially sabotaged by a marketing team that seemed to think if you don’t take your film seriously at all that will somehow draw in the crowd.

Although speaking of the comic relief characters, I actually don’t mind them that much. I always thought Morph had a lot of cute, funny moments that weren’t too obnoxious. As for B.E.N., I kind of have mixed feelings for him. On one hand, the directing team made better use of Martin Short’s improvisational skills than PEBBLE AND THE PENGUIN or WE’RE BACK! ever did. But on the other hand, does B.E.N. have to be so loud and shouty? However, while B.E.N. is a real screw-up, he’s not so much to the point where I want to see him get smashed with a sledgehammer. He’s generally likable, not at all loathsome, and just annoying enough, but not TOO annoying.

However while we’re still on the subject of B.E.N., I’d just like to add that the CG animation on him is really nice. Making him 3D gives him a sort of sense of solidity compared to his hand-drawn humanoid compadres, and to top it off his animation isn’t at all stiff or feels like the CG is holding him back. There is some really expressive squashing and stretching going on with his dialogue. It’s so subtle in places that you’d probably miss it if you’re not looking for it. A lot of CG animation studios at the time like Pixar and Dreamworks had not quite mastered squashing and stretching themselves, so kudos to Disney for pulling it off so well.

Now if I may indulge a little on why I remember this film fondly, my favorite characters were always Dr. Doppler and Captain Amelia. They are both fun and engaging on their own, but together they are weirdly adorable. Granted, I've always thought them getting together at the end was a bit rushed, but I still totally buy it.

(What I don't buy is that they'd be so eager to have kids after Doppler showed such annoyance and revulsion towards that toddler alien girl at the beginning. I get that the creators wanted some visual shorthand to indicate that they're an official couple, but they could have just been wearing wedding rings or throw in a little more of them dancing together.)

Part of the reason I love these characters on their own is the casting. I was already familiar with Emma Thompson from Ang Lee's adaptation of SENSE AND SENSIBILITY, and her character of Eleanor Dashwood was very quiet and reserved. You can imagine my disbelief and delight hearing her play an assertive, witty badass as Amelia. (As if I didn't already think Amelia’s design was cool.)

As for David Hyde Pierce, I had only occasionally watched FRASIER growing up, but when I saw this movie I was familiar with him through some other memorable voice acting roles, particularly that excellent Season 8 episode of THE SIMPSONS, “Brother From Another Series.” In other words, I already knew him to be funny, snarky and charismatic.

While I'm on about the casting, I feel like there's a totally wasted opportunity to have these two characters in a room together, say, before the black hole scene, exchanging witty banter to show how compatible they are in a casual setting. It’s a shame that Emma and David didn’t record their dialogue together, because with her being an accomplished writer and with his skills at improvisation, there could have been some good verbal combat by way of “Much Ado About Nothing-Meets-Frasier.”

But looking back, I remember I immediately loved Captain Amelia just on principal. As a kid I never really gravitated that much to any of the Disney princesses. I can’t really describe why, but it was mostly how they were marketed as just looking pretty and (arguably) kind of passive in their own stories. Not to mention how when Disney Princess became a brand, they really amped up the girly cutesy-ness to their preexisting images. Not to say there’s anything inherently wrong with cute or feminine things, but it really made me feel like a weirdo who somehow wasn’t fit to be called a girl.

Captain Amelia, on the other hand, had her own style of femininity by wearing a classy, more masculine captain’s uniform along with thigh-high high-heeled boots (that she has no problem running in). She had a no-nonsense attitude, she was focused and cool-headed in a stressful situation, she was downright snarky and took crap from no one. In other words, she was the type of woman I wanted to be when I grew up, and to this day she is my favorite Disney Lady, bar none.

And while I’m at it, I’m just going to add that I’ve always found Dr. Doppler more attractive than your standard Disney prince. Besides his character design looking like a canine version of Roger from 101 DALMATIONS, he just always seemed like he’d be fun to get a coffee with.

Well, that’s about all I really want to talk about regarding TREASURE PLANET. It’s a shame it’s not remembered by more people as it does have some really good elements to it, but in some regards I can kind of see why it wasn’t a huge critical success. If you haven’t seen it already I recommend checking it out as it’s a pretty solid standalone film that doesn’t need supplementary material and covers all the bases with the plot and some fun character moments here and there. If you’re an animation fan I cannot stress enough how you really need to watch it, or even rewatch it, because, again, the animation and effects work is just a real feast for the eyes.

[myinnerletters]

3/8/21

I guess if the last time i wrote on this was in January is ok. I feel like ive been really struggling for the last week and a bit. This most recent lockdown has really impacted me - i feel like i cant hold onto anything too long, i feel jaded, i feel like its hard to see a light out or a way forward.

It’s hard to feel lonely and isolated from my family again. I can’t see them and even if i could, i know it would be tricky because of our weird dynamics. It upsets me to hear saphta covid denying. i want so badly to protect all of them but i know i cant. I know i cant do anything to stop covid or keep them safe. I know to keep me safe i have to stay here in Melbourne, but it feels odd. I feel almost orphan beng seperated like this. I belong to a family. I belong to many families but my connection feels so weird. It feels weird to miss them. Its something that i try to not tell them. Which i know is wrong of me to be withholding, but to say i miss them is to also say in part i miss dysfunction. Obviously we are all in a better place then all those years ago. But there are still some chaotic elements there.

I sit here riddlin around in my head with thoughts non stop. The anti depressants have been pretty good at keeping the background prattle quiet but its happening more atm. I am getting my tasks done. But my emotions are flip floppy. I finish all my work im overjoyed, several hours later im despondent and inconsolable. i was proud of my media release and then i feared my friends would tear it apart.

I know Noam loves me. I know he cares for me. I know he is also going through his own things at times. But i keep doing this dumb thing where i start shit. Asking him like tonight if he thinks im too emotional and telling him that i dont know how he does it with me. I as a kid was a sponge and took on everything around me that people said, i was so eager to please that i adapted these parts into my personality, into who i am. Dad worries that im too emotional. He says “does he not mind that youre so emotional”. I know this is more about my dad then about me. I know mum was “too much” for him so now he has a relationship with a woman who personally i dont think is particularly healthy, butit seems they dont fight and thats what he needs. But my dad, although he has always been there for me and is my rock sometimes thinks im too sensitive to things. And then i start worrying that noam will start thinking that. Even though nothing has happened. But my brain prattles on thinking that i am too much, and i dont know how he can date me and im WAY too emotional. Then he says he doesnt think that way and i get anxious, i get annoyed for bringing it up, i start thinking ive doomed everything. It’s over and i wish i hadnt brought it up in the first place cause now i feel vulnerable and wide open and see through. Just because i feel like im too emotional, like my mood swings and my depression will at some point be too much for him and he will walk away.

I know that we have lots of beautiful memories. Most of our times are fun. We explore a lot and dont need much but eeach other to enjoy each others company. But then i do these things, this is the second time this week ive been like this and i just think why does he bother with me. I am just so much work. My friends didnt reply to a message and then i felt left out. THis most recent turmoil came because i sent noam a video of me singing, but when i listened back i didnt like how i sounded. Im still paranoid that everytime the downstairs neighbour opens the door downstairs its to give me a hint to stop, even though she has all her phone calls outside.

Singing is such a weird thing for me. Its so personal and ive always been critiqued. I couldnt act for all those years because i had to get my singing right and being the perfectionist i was it never was good enough. I tried though. Then seeing pip wasnt good for my mental health, yes my voie sounded great but i had to go to such mental leeps and bounds to get there. I am out of practice. I stopped singing as much last year. Mostly because i was trying to be mindfull of housemates, when at times they werent mindful of me. No one asked me but i did it. And also because i didnt want jacuqi commenting on it. Also because i couldnt allow myself to love theatre, because it keeps falling through and even now i am so anxious about writing a show or doing a show because the state of our country and covid gives me no hope.

I dont like how i sound and i know i could work on it. I could work on the singing and instead of nitpicking, reckon with the fact that i havent worked on my singing properly and im trying to find joy doing it. Maybe im best off not recording myself and playing it back to myself when i sing to noam. and just send it and be done with it. It triggered an old response from uni. something i havent experienced for a while.

To be honest, this last lockdown and comign out of it hasnt given me much hope. Jessie calls me to compare lockdowns, how theres is the worst, saphta says we live in comunist australia and shes so lonely and i wish i could hlep but i know i cant do much. Im giving a lot to my clients becuase i dont want them to feel low post lockdown, i want them to feel good and enjoy moving, but im having a harder time picking myself up each time. Getting back into it. It takes more strain, more resilience. Its harder each time to bounce back. I just cant imagine ever going back to normal. Or when ill see my family which stresses me out. 

[cynthiajayusa]

‘Schitt’s Creek’ Creator Dan Levy Talks Queer Journey

Oh, sure, Dan Levy gets excited. Really, he does! The sparkle may not be written on his face – cherubic, distinguished, writerly; one with features much like his actor-dad, Eugene Levy – but inside you can bet he’s screaming. It’s a Canadian thing.

Our conversation takes place on a day in mid December, the day after Pop TV’s Schitt’s Creek, his farcical and heartfelt sitcom about a family stripped of their riches that is lovingly created as a gift to this godforsaken world with his father, has picked up a Critics’ Choice nod for Best Comedy Series and Levy is screaming. Really!

“We have a limit to how excited we can be about ourselves,” he says, snickering. He continues, Canadian-modesty fully intact: “But it’s a thrill.”

The thrill humbly extended to a tweet written by the out 35-year-old conveying gratitude for the show’s recent wins when GALECA: The Society of LGBTQ Entertainment Critics awarded Schitt’s Creek with two honors, TV Comedy of the Year and Unsung TV Show of the Year, during their annual Dorian Awards. (Full, proud disclosure: I’m a member, and I voted for Schitt’s Creek in both categories.)

Get Levy talking about Mariah Carey – the diva inspiration for one of season 4’s sweetest and gayest lines, pertaining to his onscreen boyfriend, Patrick (Noah Reid) – and he won’t stop screaming. We spoke about the Elusive Chanteuse’s prominent place on Schitt’s Creek and about what’s in store for his lovably dramatic character, David Rose, mom Moira (Catherine O’Hara), dad Johnny (Eugene Levy) and sister Alexis (Annie Murphy) in season 5. Plus, this season’s coming out story that Levy says was an emotional shoot and “my proudest episode.”

I was feeling such disappointment when the Golden Globes and the Emmys didn’t acknowledge Schitt’s Creek yet again this year. So, this Critics’ Choice nod must feel like, “Finally, awards committees are catching up to the rest of the world.”

Slowly but surely we’re cracking into that illustrious group of shows that get nominated for things and it’s a wonderful feeling. We’re a very small show, and I think for very small shows that don’t necessarily have huge resources to promote themselves for award consideration, a nomination from the critics at this point is fantastic. It means it’s been word-of-mouth, and I think the fact that we are also streaming on Netflix has cracked us open to an entirely new and different audience as well.

And listen, our team, first and foremost, just wants to tell really interesting stories and wants to have fun when we go to work every day, and that has always been the goal for me as someone who’s running the show. The minute you start to look outside and think, “Oh, we’re being recognized for this; people are putting us on lists,” it’s wonderful but it can really change the experience of making your show. Suddenly you’re more concerned about, “Are things living up to the standards that the media have kindly set for us?” And that can be really intimidating.

So I try not to pay attention as much as I possibly can; especially when we’re making our show, I try to disengage from all of that so we can really focus on what’s ultimately going to serve our characters. But I’m not gonna lie: It’s been a joy over the past couple of years to see our show up there in the ranks of other shows that I have long admired myself. So I’m just ultimately bursting with pride for our team.

How are the Roses coping with each other during season 5?

Season 4 was a really emotional chapter in this family’s trajectory and we were able to really peel back some layers and show a lot of growth. Season 5 is really about having fun. The guards are down a little bit, which means we can have more fun with our characters, we can put them in stranger situations.

We tried our best to pair characters this season with characters that have never been paired before and really take stories outside of the box and expand our world a little bit, so this season was always intended to be the shiniest and brightest and boldest we’ve ever done. But I’m just really excited because there’s so much in store in season 5. It’s bursting with life and joy and I can’t wait for, particularly, a few episodes.

David does a lot of things this season that, for me, as a gay kid growing up, were horrifying: tree-climbing, baseball. What was your favorite David adventure to shoot this season?

The fun thing about David is he’s someone who has put on such a front for so long that he has really, over the course of his two years in this town, allowed himself to just get in better touch with himself and expose himself to vulnerability in ways that he never would have. So something like the first episode of season 5 (laughs) – constantly feeling the need to prove his relationship and how far he’s willing to go for it – was really fun. I mean, the day was grueling and I was stuck up there (in the trees) for, I think, seven hours…

So by the end of the shoot, your face was David’s. You weren’t even acting anymore.

(Laughs) The character and me as a person really came together in those moments. But yeah, I would say the excitement of our first episode back is really an indicator of what’s to come.

I can’t believe these characters are just now trying on Moira’s wigs. How did that not already happen?

The idea was, for us, that she needed to be on a totally different continent in order for David and Alexis to even dare touch that wall, because of all the things, all the buttons you can press with Moira, those wigs are everything (laughs). So we thought it could be really fun, considering no one’s ever tried them on. And we never ever really touched it, but that was really out of respect for Moira, who was holding court in her home. Now that she’s away we can all sort of have some fun with it, and getting to select which wig we got was a really fun process too. I tried on that little blunt, blonde wig that I wear in the episode and thought, “Well, this could be good for my real life!”

Will there be more Mariah stuff? And also, how much Mariah is played on set?

A lot of Mariah is played just in my life, which seeps into my professional life. She tweeted about the show last year after the Mariah Carey reference in our season 4 finale.

You recently celebrated that tweet’s anniversary on your IG.

I’ll be celebrating that anniversary for years to come. I lost it. There’s been some amazing people who’ve said some wonderful things about the show, but the Mariah Carey tweet, to me, was like, I don’t even know how to process that. I think back to being a teenager, putting up Mariah Carey posters on my bedroom walls. It was a full-circle moment.

The last time we chatted you told me that one episode in particular this season made you cry. Why is it so meaningful to you?

It’s a layered thing. I find it sometimes quite emotional to be in the position that I am in, to be able to tell queer stories and show them on a mass scale, to write moments and stories, and in this particular case a love story, that seems to really affect people. It’s hard not to think back to a time in your life where you didn’t have that kind of freedom. For me, I think back to high school when I was still in the closet and wondering if I would ever be able to live out in the open. To now be in the position that I am, getting to write what I find to be a really lovely queer romance that millions of people get to watch, it’s quite profound.

And how about the episode’s impact on you?

It’s a particular moment that I had to write that is something that most queer people go through and articulating that, dramatizing that, is just a very meaningful episode for me and for a character in our show. It’s a coming out episode. So getting to write that and trying to find a way around that kind of story that’s been told several times in film and television and literature, finding a dynamic way into that story and out of that story, was probably the greatest joy and challenge I’ve had as a writer for TV. And now that we’ve cut and polished the episode it’s my proudest episode we’ve done as a show.

Given that you understand the weight of this show on your audience, I’m guessing David and Patrick will never break up.

(Laughs) Um, I don’t ever want them to, but you never know what happens. All I know is that we do understand what our fans are enjoying and we certainly wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize their loyalty.

It’s the first successful relationship I’ve had in a while and it’s not even mine.

Funnily enough, me too.

For the Schitt’s Creek: Up Close & Personal tour, you and some cast members are touring various U.S. cities. How did the idea for the tour start and are there any Tina Turner musical numbers?

(Laughs) The idea for the tour started mainly because I think so much of the success of our show is based on the enthusiasm and the word-of-mouth that has come from our fans. And the feedback that I’ve received from our fans has been so much more than, “We love your show”; it’s long letters about how this show has provided sort of a safe space, a happy space, a joyful space in dark times. We seem to have a relationship with the people who watch our show and love our show that is slightly deeper than I think the relationship that a lot of people have with the shows that they watch on TV.

Shooting the show in Canada, we don’t ever really have access to a lot of our fans. We shoot for three months out of the year and the rest of the time is me editing or writing the show, and a lot of the response and feedback we got from fans was a desire to interact with the cast, and so we started developing this idea. It’s a Q-and-A, it’s very casual. We show some things we’ve never shown before, we show some behind-the-scenes stuff, we show some bloopers, and there may or may not be a musical performance that may or may not involve a Tina Turner song sung by someone who may or may not play my boyfriend on a television show (laughs). But for us, it’s a great way for us to meet our fans and for the fans to come and say hi in person. We did our first in Los Angeles a little while ago and it was incredible. There was so much love in the room.

Regarding the writing, do you think in terms of meme-able moments in the writers’ room?

No, no! In fact, there was some kind of Instagram sticker – you know the GIF stickers you can use? There’s one of Moira that apparently had like a billion views or something insane, and I’m always sort of amazed how people have taken moments from our show and turned them into these little internet memes, because when we’re writing we never really think about that. But it’s quite an expressive show (laughs), so I understand how it would be very easy to take some reactions from our cast and make some sort of universal reactions of disgust or confusion.

I used your face when I was disappointed by the Golden Globe nominations.

(Laughs) I’m so happy that I could be there for you in that time.

Has working on this show and writing queer characters with your dad bonded you in ways you didn’t expect it to?

I honestly don’t know, actually. The show has been sort of wonderful in the sense that we have been put in a position where we get to see each other every day. I think just going through the experience of making this show and seeing its success has been a wonderful thing for the two of us.

There are just times in your life when things happen that you’ll never forget and you know that you’re sort of in the middle of doing something quite special and lasting, so I know that whatever I do after this show, we’ll always have this time together, we’ll always have this sort of chapter of our lives that we got to immortalize on screen, which is quite lovely.

source https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2019/02/28/schitts-creek-creator-dan-levy-talks-queer-journey/ from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazin.blogspot.com/2019/02/schitts-creek-creator-dan-levy-talks.html

[demitgibbs]

‘Schitt’s Creek’ Creator Dan Levy Talks Queer Journey

Oh, sure, Dan Levy gets excited. Really, he does! The sparkle may not be written on his face – cherubic, distinguished, writerly; one with features much like his actor-dad, Eugene Levy – but inside you can bet he’s screaming. It’s a Canadian thing.

Our conversation takes place on a day in mid December, the day after Pop TV’s Schitt’s Creek, his farcical and heartfelt sitcom about a family stripped of their riches that is lovingly created as a gift to this godforsaken world with his father, has picked up a Critics’ Choice nod for Best Comedy Series and Levy is screaming. Really!

“We have a limit to how excited we can be about ourselves,” he says, snickering. He continues, Canadian-modesty fully intact: “But it’s a thrill.”

The thrill humbly extended to a tweet written by the out 35-year-old conveying gratitude for the show’s recent wins when GALECA: The Society of LGBTQ Entertainment Critics awarded Schitt’s Creek with two honors, TV Comedy of the Year and Unsung TV Show of the Year, during their annual Dorian Awards. (Full, proud disclosure: I’m a member, and I voted for Schitt’s Creek in both categories.)

Get Levy talking about Mariah Carey – the diva inspiration for one of season 4’s sweetest and gayest lines, pertaining to his onscreen boyfriend, Patrick (Noah Reid) – and he won’t stop screaming. We spoke about the Elusive Chanteuse’s prominent place on Schitt’s Creek and about what’s in store for his lovably dramatic character, David Rose, mom Moira (Catherine O’Hara), dad Johnny (Eugene Levy) and sister Alexis (Annie Murphy) in season 5. Plus, this season’s coming out story that Levy says was an emotional shoot and “my proudest episode.”

I was feeling such disappointment when the Golden Globes and the Emmys didn’t acknowledge Schitt’s Creek yet again this year. So, this Critics’ Choice nod must feel like, “Finally, awards committees are catching up to the rest of the world.”

Slowly but surely we’re cracking into that illustrious group of shows that get nominated for things and it’s a wonderful feeling. We’re a very small show, and I think for very small shows that don’t necessarily have huge resources to promote themselves for award consideration, a nomination from the critics at this point is fantastic. It means it’s been word-of-mouth, and I think the fact that we are also streaming on Netflix has cracked us open to an entirely new and different audience as well.

And listen, our team, first and foremost, just wants to tell really interesting stories and wants to have fun when we go to work every day, and that has always been the goal for me as someone who’s running the show. The minute you start to look outside and think, “Oh, we’re being recognized for this; people are putting us on lists,” it’s wonderful but it can really change the experience of making your show. Suddenly you’re more concerned about, “Are things living up to the standards that the media have kindly set for us?” And that can be really intimidating.

So I try not to pay attention as much as I possibly can; especially when we’re making our show, I try to disengage from all of that so we can really focus on what’s ultimately going to serve our characters. But I’m not gonna lie: It’s been a joy over the past couple of years to see our show up there in the ranks of other shows that I have long admired myself. So I’m just ultimately bursting with pride for our team.

How are the Roses coping with each other during season 5?

Season 4 was a really emotional chapter in this family’s trajectory and we were able to really peel back some layers and show a lot of growth. Season 5 is really about having fun. The guards are down a little bit, which means we can have more fun with our characters, we can put them in stranger situations.

We tried our best to pair characters this season with characters that have never been paired before and really take stories outside of the box and expand our world a little bit, so this season was always intended to be the shiniest and brightest and boldest we’ve ever done. But I’m just really excited because there’s so much in store in season 5. It’s bursting with life and joy and I can’t wait for, particularly, a few episodes.

David does a lot of things this season that, for me, as a gay kid growing up, were horrifying: tree-climbing, baseball. What was your favorite David adventure to shoot this season?

The fun thing about David is he’s someone who has put on such a front for so long that he has really, over the course of his two years in this town, allowed himself to just get in better touch with himself and expose himself to vulnerability in ways that he never would have. So something like the first episode of season 5 (laughs) – constantly feeling the need to prove his relationship and how far he’s willing to go for it – was really fun. I mean, the day was grueling and I was stuck up there (in the trees) for, I think, seven hours…

So by the end of the shoot, your face was David’s. You weren’t even acting anymore.

(Laughs) The character and me as a person really came together in those moments. But yeah, I would say the excitement of our first episode back is really an indicator of what’s to come.

I can’t believe these characters are just now trying on Moira’s wigs. How did that not already happen?

The idea was, for us, that she needed to be on a totally different continent in order for David and Alexis to even dare touch that wall, because of all the things, all the buttons you can press with Moira, those wigs are everything (laughs). So we thought it could be really fun, considering no one’s ever tried them on. And we never ever really touched it, but that was really out of respect for Moira, who was holding court in her home. Now that she’s away we can all sort of have some fun with it, and getting to select which wig we got was a really fun process too. I tried on that little blunt, blonde wig that I wear in the episode and thought, “Well, this could be good for my real life!”

Will there be more Mariah stuff? And also, how much Mariah is played on set?

A lot of Mariah is played just in my life, which seeps into my professional life. She tweeted about the show last year after the Mariah Carey reference in our season 4 finale.

You recently celebrated that tweet’s anniversary on your IG.

I’ll be celebrating that anniversary for years to come. I lost it. There’s been some amazing people who’ve said some wonderful things about the show, but the Mariah Carey tweet, to me, was like, I don’t even know how to process that. I think back to being a teenager, putting up Mariah Carey posters on my bedroom walls. It was a full-circle moment.

The last time we chatted you told me that one episode in particular this season made you cry. Why is it so meaningful to you?

It’s a layered thing. I find it sometimes quite emotional to be in the position that I am in, to be able to tell queer stories and show them on a mass scale, to write moments and stories, and in this particular case a love story, that seems to really affect people. It’s hard not to think back to a time in your life where you didn’t have that kind of freedom. For me, I think back to high school when I was still in the closet and wondering if I would ever be able to live out in the open. To now be in the position that I am, getting to write what I find to be a really lovely queer romance that millions of people get to watch, it’s quite profound.

And how about the episode’s impact on you?

It’s a particular moment that I had to write that is something that most queer people go through and articulating that, dramatizing that, is just a very meaningful episode for me and for a character in our show. It’s a coming out episode. So getting to write that and trying to find a way around that kind of story that’s been told several times in film and television and literature, finding a dynamic way into that story and out of that story, was probably the greatest joy and challenge I’ve had as a writer for TV. And now that we’ve cut and polished the episode it’s my proudest episode we’ve done as a show.

Given that you understand the weight of this show on your audience, I’m guessing David and Patrick will never break up.

(Laughs) Um, I don’t ever want them to, but you never know what happens. All I know is that we do understand what our fans are enjoying and we certainly wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize their loyalty.

It’s the first successful relationship I’ve had in a while and it’s not even mine.

Funnily enough, me too.

For the Schitt’s Creek: Up Close & Personal tour, you and some cast members are touring various U.S. cities. How did the idea for the tour start and are there any Tina Turner musical numbers?

(Laughs) The idea for the tour started mainly because I think so much of the success of our show is based on the enthusiasm and the word-of-mouth that has come from our fans. And the feedback that I’ve received from our fans has been so much more than, “We love your show”; it’s long letters about how this show has provided sort of a safe space, a happy space, a joyful space in dark times. We seem to have a relationship with the people who watch our show and love our show that is slightly deeper than I think the relationship that a lot of people have with the shows that they watch on TV.

Shooting the show in Canada, we don’t ever really have access to a lot of our fans. We shoot for three months out of the year and the rest of the time is me editing or writing the show, and a lot of the response and feedback we got from fans was a desire to interact with the cast, and so we started developing this idea. It’s a Q-and-A, it’s very casual. We show some things we’ve never shown before, we show some behind-the-scenes stuff, we show some bloopers, and there may or may not be a musical performance that may or may not involve a Tina Turner song sung by someone who may or may not play my boyfriend on a television show (laughs). But for us, it’s a great way for us to meet our fans and for the fans to come and say hi in person. We did our first in Los Angeles a little while ago and it was incredible. There was so much love in the room.

Regarding the writing, do you think in terms of meme-able moments in the writers’ room?

No, no! In fact, there was some kind of Instagram sticker – you know the GIF stickers you can use? There’s one of Moira that apparently had like a billion views or something insane, and I’m always sort of amazed how people have taken moments from our show and turned them into these little internet memes, because when we’re writing we never really think about that. But it’s quite an expressive show (laughs), so I understand how it would be very easy to take some reactions from our cast and make some sort of universal reactions of disgust or confusion.

I used your face when I was disappointed by the Golden Globe nominations.

(Laughs) I’m so happy that I could be there for you in that time.

Has working on this show and writing queer characters with your dad bonded you in ways you didn’t expect it to?

I honestly don’t know, actually. The show has been sort of wonderful in the sense that we have been put in a position where we get to see each other every day. I think just going through the experience of making this show and seeing its success has been a wonderful thing for the two of us.

There are just times in your life when things happen that you’ll never forget and you know that you’re sort of in the middle of doing something quite special and lasting, so I know that whatever I do after this show, we’ll always have this time together, we’ll always have this sort of chapter of our lives that we got to immortalize on screen, which is quite lovely.

from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2019/02/28/schitts-creek-creator-dan-levy-talks-queer-journey/ from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.tumblr.com/post/183119013920

[fmservers]

Why longer term sheets are better

Recently in a conversation, the length of term sheets came as a topic (I assure you, it was a riveting conversation). The complaint was that a term sheet which had recently been received was too long, and therefore the VC who sent it wasn’t being founder friendly. The travails of successfully raising money!

Actually though, a longer term sheet is much more founder friendly and good business practice, and founders should be leery of VCs bearing short contracts.

Historically (i.e. about 6 years ago), term sheets used to be staid affairs, printed on plain white paper in standard Times New Roman font right out of Word. It was a wretched and horrifying world until the cool VCs showed up, who added design accoutrements (Bolded section heads! Logos! Colors!) while claiming that they had a “single-page” term sheet for founders, implying that the term sheet’s simplicity and prettiness showed that they weren’t really investors, but more like a Brooklyn barista with an art side hustle (and a lot of cash).

Here’s the thing, term sheets have an incredibly important purpose, which is to set forth in clear language the terms of a deal. Unfortunately in modern venture capital, there are a lot of terms that have to be negotiated in any equity round, from financial terms to option pools, to board structure, to voting rights on major business decisions like selling the company, and much more. Simpler term sheets either relegate many of these items to “standard venture capital terms apply” or some other vague language, or just wholly don’t mention them at all.

The challenge is that once the term sheet is signed, it becomes the blueprint by which the legal counsels for the VC and founder begin to write up the legal contracts that allows the VC to buy equity in the startup. When term sheets are clear, precise, and comprehensive, the lawyers just go to work and turn those agreed-upon terms into legal language in relatively short order.

When there are key terms that are “standard” or absent from a term sheet though, lawyers do what lawyers have to do: they negotiate for their respective party. Suddenly a term that seems fairly standard is up for debate, and unless a founder (and their VC) is paying very close attention to the legal process (from experience, no one really is), then the legal bills for the round can spiral very, very rapidly. That can pose a double whammy for a startup, since many VCs continue to charge the legal fees of conducting a round to the startup they are investing in.

I’ve seen founders in absolute sticker shock after seeing the legal costs of their round total into the upper tens of thousands of dollars because their lawyers racked up time trying to plow through term after term that could have been made clearer by the parties up front.

So, what’s more founder friendly: a longer term sheet that sets the deal terms clearly up front and likely saves the founder legal costs, or a shorter (but color!) term sheet that can end up costing far more down the line?

This is mostly a problem for first-time founders raising their first round of capital. I have a sinking feeling that many VCs take advantage of this naiveté to get better terms than they might have gotten otherwise had they actually walked through all the language up front. In later rounds, founders either ask all the right questions about the next round of capital, or their other existing investors figure this out on their behalf.

It’s good legal practice to always get all material terms figured out before your lawyers start writing contracts, whether in fundraising, or customer contracts, or what have you. You can’t always predict if there is something else that will end up being a disagreement, but getting most of the terms squared away will save legal time, and that is money ultimately in your pocket.

Side note: Extra Crunch published part two of five of our comprehensive guide to legal issues facing startups, this time focused on intellectual property. Don’t miss out on part one which focused on corporate issues.

Extra Crunch’s first conference call is today

We are hosting the first conference call for Extra Crunch subscribers today at 2pm EST / 11am PST. Call-in details are being sent out to members by email roughly one hour in advance. Today, Eric Eldon and I will talk briefly about Extra Crunch, and then TechCrunch social and product maestro Josh Constine is going to talk about the strategic issues confronting the social giants. Join us!

More SoftBank Vision Fund sadness

Kiyoshi Ota/Bloomberg via Getty Images

Written by Arman Tabatabai

Get out your popcorn because there’s more drama involving SoftBank’s giant Vision Fund and its LP base. Bahrain’s sovereign wealth fund stated that it no longer planned to invest in the Vision Fund. Despite previous discussions with SoftBank, the fund plans to instead put its money into infrastructure across areas like energy, healthcare, and education.

With assets of roughly $15 billion under management, Bahrain’s fund is small potatoes when it comes to SoftBank, and its contribution likely would have been much smaller than those of its Abu Dhabi and Saudi Arabia counterparts. However, after recent reports that Persian Gulf LPs are growing frustrated with the Vision Fund and are putting more money to work in infrastructure, Bahrain’s decision could indicate a broader change in sentiment towards the Vision Fund. Just look at the comment the CEO of Bahrain’s Fund gave to Reuters:

“We talked with them and with many people, but it shows we’ve not seen something we think we can add value to or it could add value to us.”

SoftBank CEO Masayoshi Son has wanted to scale up the size of Vision Fund II, but that dream may well be fading as more large wealth managers decline to engage.

Steam and video game streaming

Photo by Andy Cross/The Denver Post via Getty Images

Extra Crunch writer Chris Morris had a dive into the challenges facing Steam yesterday. Steam is facing two trends. First, publishers are increasingly getting smart about owning their customer relationship, which is hard to do with the design of Steam’s platform. The second is that video game streaming is getting closer to reality, and that doesn’t bode well for a game store. Plus, developers want to keep more of their revenue, and Steam takes a lot.

What’s interesting here is that publishers (and I mean big, AAA publishers) are increasingly comfortable with the notion that they can attract customers to their own independent store fronts and don’t have to pay the Steam tax in order to get in front of customers. What concerns me is that indie developers both don’t have the leverage to negotiate with Steam and don’t have the marketing budgets or fanbases to reach out to a wide audience. That’s not a great world, and an opportunity I think to figure out how to create a more even playing field for independent game creators.

The chip space keeps getting hotter as Korea’s SK leads round for Chinese chipmaker

IvancoVlad via Getty Images

Written by Arman Tabatabai

TechCrunch writer Rita Liao reported overnight that the A.I.-focused Chinese chipmaker Horizon Robotics raised a $600 million round led by subsidiaries of Korea’s SK Group, including its semiconductors segment.

We’ve previously discussed the intensifying global competition in the chip space, and SK’s investment shows that no one wants to miss out on the next innovative technology like previous incumbents who now find themselves playing catch up.

It’s worth noting that Intel’s venture arm, Intel Capital, is also an investor in Horizon and led their previous fundraise, as Horizon seems to offer up another opportunity for the US chip giant to make up lost ground in AI chip innovation and to gain share in the Chinese market now that they have canceled a partnership with China’s state-backed chipmaker Unisoc.

The data point is another positive for Chinese chipmakers, who seem to still have access to foreign capital on top of more than enough domestic — often state-backed — investments. The city of Beijing just raised its first venture fund with $1.5 billion focused on chips, A.I., and other areas, while China is reportedly nearing the closing of its second state-backed semis fund that some estimate might be nearly $50 billion in size.

More news

Written by Arman Tabatabai

California may have canceled HSR, but China is moving forward with an IPO

While US high-speed rail (HSR) projects continue to fall flat on their face, China Railway Corporation is now planning to IPO its Beijing to Shanghai HSR line within the next year. There’s always some financial risk with publicly-traded infrastructure, but the line’s securely profitable and the deal should help shore up the finances of its owner as it plans to make its largest rail investments ever this year.

Japan’s antitrust investigation is the latest in Asia’s new wave of regulatory scrutiny

Japan is reportedly initiating an antitrust investigation into the country’s biggest ecommerce platforms. Investigators will be looking to see whether Amazon Japan, Rakuten and SoftBank-subsidiary Yahoo! Japan launched benefit programs that ultimately are subsidized by and cut into the revenue of its small-to-midsize vendor suppliers.

The investigation is the latest in Japan’s broader effort to increase regulatory scrutiny on big tech, a global trend that seems to be permeating Asia as seen in our previous discussions on India. While it’s unclear how the heightened scrutiny will impact companies’ perception of these markets, it’s certainly clear that the “move fast and break things” playbook is getting tougher to run.

Obsessions

We have a bit of a theme around emerging markets, macroeconomics, and the next set of users to join the internet.

More discussion of megaprojects, infrastructure, and “why can’t we build things”

Thanks

To every member of Extra Crunch: thank you. You allow us to get off the ad-laden media churn conveyor belt and spend quality time on amazing ideas, people, and companies. If I can ever be of assistance, hit reply, or send an email to danny@techcrunch.com.

This newsletter is written with the assistance of Arman Tabatabai from New York

Via Danny Crichton https://techcrunch.com

[themoneybuff-blog]

Strategies for Translating Long Term Financial Goals into Immediate Actions and Habits

Last week, I discussed how important it was to establish long term financial goals and then translate them into immediate actions and habits as a way of avoiding lifestyle inflation. In truth, having good long term goals that connect to immediate actions and habits is just a good all-around financial strategy, and it also happens to work well for almost any significant life change you want to make. Today, I want to delve into how I do this very thing, using financial goals as a clear example. This is more or less what I did during our financial turnaround, but Ive done it since with other life goals (starting a small business, fixing relationships, etc.) and refined the process a little. Clearly Establishing the Big Goal The first step in the process is to clearly figure out where you want to go. What is it in your life that you most want to change permanently? For me, personally, my first major big financial goal was simply to get free from debt. I had reached a financial low point and I knew that something had to change. We were simply drowning in consumer debt to the point where it was difficult to keep all of the bills paid rent, child care, car payments, student loan payments, credit card payments, utilities it went on and on and on, and it was suffocating us. I needed to get rid of some of those bills and I recognized that the best path forward was debt freedom, ideally including owning our own home. That goal took roughly five and a half years to achieve. Our current big financial goal is financial independence. By that, I mean that I want to reach a point where Sarah and I no longer have to work for an income in order to make ends meet and cover our living expenses for the rest of our life, allowing us both to effectively retire. For us, retirement means just taking on some different challenges without the need to worry about earning an income. We established this goal several years ago and were somewhere in the middle of that path; honestly, wed probably be close to it if it werent for the fact that we have three children. Let me be clear: I think that a very specifically stated long term goal is a bad idea. You do want to get specific for short term goals, but with long term goals, a broad initiative is actually better because it is very likely that your life will change between now and any sort of true goal completion. So, your first step is just to figure out your big financial goal. Where do you want to be financially in ten or twenty years if things go well and you put some real effort into it? Do you want to be free from debt? Do you want to have a great job near the pinnacle of your profession? Do you want to be financially independent and not have to work for a living? Whatever resonates with you, choose that as your long term goal. When you have that long term goal set, think about it every day. Seriously. Sketch out in detail what kind of impact it will have on your life. Youll have less stress. You wont have bills breathing down your neck. Youll have a ton of opportunities. Youll have more free time. Youll have more control over your future. Emergencies wont derail everything. Imagine that future in detail and how good it will feel. Visualize a day in your life when all of that is true. Do this every day. Do this type of visualization at least once a day, if not more often. Keep reminding yourself of what it is youre working for, and make it as personal as you can. Break Down that Big Vision You have this big goal for yourself. At some point in the future, you want to be debt free. You want to be financially independent. Its something you truly want for yourself. At this point, its all about breaking down that vision into more manageable and more specific goals. What I do at this point is start asking myself a series of questions. First, what can I do this year to make that big vision a little closer to reality? Maybe I could pay off that big credit card bill this year. If I did that, Id not only get a giant monthly bill off my back, Id also have more breathing room for emergencies and more resources to start plowing through other debts. Or, maybe, I could try to save 25% of my income for retirement or 30% or 40%. Pick a big somewhat frightening number, one that leaves you doubtful as to whether you could pull it off. If you did that, youd be well on the road to financial independence. Someone who is saving 30% of their income per year can reach financial independence in 15-20 years because not only are they saving a lot, theyre also learning how to live on 70% of their income, meaning that the total amount they need to save isnt as big as they think. Its at this level that a SMART goal starts to become important. Its not really that important beyond the full year level because, as I noted above, life changes so much over the course of multiple years that its hard to map out a highly detailed goal). As Ive mentioned before, a SMART goal is one that is specific, measurable, actionable, realistic, and time-bound. By looking at a year long goal, you already have the time bound, so lets make sure the other parts are covered. Specific means that its very clear what it is that you need to do for success. What is it your doing? Why is it important? Who does it affect? Measurable means that it is very clear whether youve achieved success or not. Usually, this means that its related to either achieving a specific number or its a yes/no thing where you either pulled it off or you didnt. Actionable means that it clearly relates to actions you can take every day. This is extremely important, and well come back to it. Realistic means that you can pull it off without having to rely on others success and failure are really up to you and theyre within the realm of human possibility. Your year-long goal should nail all of those elements. So, for example, Over the next twelve months, Ill pay off my Citibank credit card, is a pretty good goal. Its specific very clear what youre going to do and measurable its obvious what success is and actionable its pretty obvious what kind of actions you need to take and realistic you can likely pull this off on your own and time-bound youre doing it this year. In a given year, I usually have three to five year long goals that are much like the one above, but its really fine to just have one goal thats the center of your focus. The Small Bits Once you have this year-long goal in place, you need to break it down into progressively smaller pieces until those pieces amount to one of two things: theyre either a specific action you can do today or a specific habit youre trying to establish in your life right now. This requires a lot of thinking and consideration. The single best tool Ive found for this process of taking a year-long SMART goal and breaking it down into todays specific actions and new habits is the Momentum Planner. It is really, really, really good at handling this kind of breakdown. Ive been using it for the past two years, not as my main planner, but as a tool each morning to reflect on what I need to do today to keep moving forward on my big goals. Im going to talk about how I move through this process of breaking down a year-long goal, but the Momentum Planner really helps guide this process, step by step, for me. I sit down with it each morning when Im doing this. Basically, what I try to do is break my annual goal down into quarterly goals, then those into monthly goals, then those into weekly goals, then those into daily goals. Some of those daily goals are actually just reminders to stick to a new habit, while other ones are specific actions. Lets walk through this using paying off a big Citibank card as an example. Lets say the current balance on that card is $10,000 and you want to pay it off this year. So, what do you need to do to pay it off? Youll want to start off doing a bit of homework, of course, but the usual strategy is to avoid adding to the balance while making the biggest possible payments you can toward the card. Given that the balance is about $10,000, if you can make $1,000 in payments each month for the year, you should pay it off assuming that you dont add to the balance. What can you do this quarter to make that happen? First, you need to establish a strong habit of not putting any additional charges on that card. Second, you need to change your spending habits such that you can come up with the $1,000 you need each month for that card. The first quarter is going to really be about discovering those techniques, whereas the other quarters are going to be about sticking with the process. What can you do during the first month of the quarter to make that happen? Simple. Dont use your Citibank card or any credit card, for that matter. This is going to likely involve some changes to your non-essential spending. Youre also going to need to figure out how to come up with $1,000 by the end of the month, either by cutting spending or by selling off items to help. What can you do during the first week of that month to make this happen? I find that weeklong periods are good for picking out a handful of tasks to complete. Obviously, youre avoiding using that Citibank card, but youre also going to want to try out a bunch of frugal strategies. Perhaps this week you can try not eating out at all and maybe you can cut the cable cord and find a new cell phone provider. What can you do today to make those first week initiatives happen? Keep up with that habit and pick one of those tasks to either complete or partially complete. Maybe today youll call up the cable company and cancel your cable package thats a very good task, since youll be on the phone for a while. Figuring Out Todays Actions For me, this is where a Momentum Planner comes in handy. At the start of each day, I sit down with that Momentum Planner and figure out exactly what I want to achieve today with each of my ongoing big life goals. Most days, Im simply looking at my week-long goals and thinking about which ones I can tackle today and which habits I need to stick with. For example, my big ongoing financial goal is to achieve financial independence and I decided that, for this quarter, Im not spending any money on a few of my hobbies that I felt like I spent too much on last year. So, for today, one habit Im focusing on is not spending any money regarding that habit. I simply remind myself of that habit, and thats enough. I also have a task for today I want to follow up with my energy company about some potential credits for our bill for some energy improvements that I think we qualify for. This is an important but not urgent financial task which I usually think of as being under the larger umbrella of my big financial independence life goal. At the end of the day, I use an idea that I got from Marshall Goldsmiths wonderful book Triggers and I simply ask myself Did I do my best today to not spend money on those hobbies or even tempt myself into doing so? I actually score myself on this, with a score between 0 and 10, and I keep track of it in another notebook. I usually have several habits Im scoring at the same time and I do them as a bundle. At the end of any larger period basically, once a week I spend some time reviewing the past week and seeing how I did on completing those actions and maintaining those habits, and then I figure out what my tasks are for the next week. I usually come up with a handful and I dole them out slowly throughout the week. If the coming week includes the end of a month or a quarter, I spend some extra time reviewing my monthly goals and/or my quarterly goals and establish new ones for the coming month and quarter, as described earlier. I go back to the level above that period and see what my goals are, then think about what I can do to keep that momentum moving forward. One thing I find very useful for me is to have minimum action tasks (at least thats what I call them). For example, lets say I want to get in better shape. Rather than writing in something like a huge workout, something I might not be able to find time for or motivate myself to do, Ill write down something like stretch for one minute and then do one of each bodyweight exercise. This is often a daily goal for me. I have a series of eight bodyweight exercises (think calisthenics, like push-ups and planks) that I try to do each day, but rather than setting a big threshold for success, I consider success being just doing each one once and stretching for just one minute. That means to keep my momentum going, I really dont have to do much at all, but I find that when I start doing it, I inherently want to do more than that. Ill sit down to stretch for a minute and find that I want to stretch for five or ten minutes. Ill go down to do a pushup and Ill then decide that I want to do more than that and I do several. Ill do a squat and decide that I want to do more than that and I do a whole bunch. You might have a minimum action task that involves something like read one page in a book or review one bill or sell one item on eBay, but once you do that one thing, youll often feel compelled to do more than that. One thing Ive found that is really helpful for me is that I write those daily goals and habits on a whiteboard, along with the big goal I want to achieve. Ive started doing this on a whiteboard next to my desk so that I see it all the time. It might say something like: I want to be financially independent, so today I will: not spend any hobby money (H) call the energy company about credits I want to be in better physical shape, so today I will: eat a small breakfast and a small lunch (H) stretch for one minute and do one of each bodyweight exercise (H) I want to be well read, so today I will: read one page of the Montaigne book (H) read one article in Pocket Those are literally copied off of my whiteboard today, and those things were copied out of my Momentum Planner earlier this morning. The process of writing them down makes them feel much more real and important and front-of-mind and having them visually present all the time is a great reminder. (The (H) signifier means its a habit and I try to score myself on each habit, as noted above.) Doesnt This Take a Lot of Time? First of all, it doesnt. On a typical day, my morning review takes a few minutes and my evening review takes maybe two more. I find that by simply having a few clear-cut goals during the day that are tied to what I want out of life, I tend to work more efficiently, so that time is usually just time where I would have watched a television program or looked at my phone. I tend to do a weekly review on Sunday morning when everyone else is asleep. It takes a little longer, especially when Im considering monthly or quarterly goals, but, again, its usually just time that I would have spent on something relatively unimportant. On the other hand, having specific things to do each day that are clearly tied to the long term things I want out of life is incredibly empowering. I love being able to look at my to-do list or that whiteboard and know that some of the things I have to do today are all about moving my life toward the big things I want out of life. It makes every day feel like a genuine step in a journey toward where I want to be in life. It contributes a strong sense of meaning to my to-do list that isnt there with the ordinary tasks of the day. The thing is, you can do all of this with pretty much any financial goal or any goal of any kind you can imagine. It just takes some time and thought about how to tweak that goal into something meaningful, break it down into smaller bits, and turn it into something thats actionable today (or at least ties into a habit you can practice today). Im not guaranteeing that this system will work for you, but I am saying that this system works well for me. Good luck! https://www.thesimpledollar.com/strategies-for-translating-long-term-financial-goals-into-immediate-actions-and-habits/

[imanameture]

I think I am going to kill myself

This seems like the best place to leave it. nobody follows me here so nobody will try and stop me. It is friday, october 6th 2017 at 1:16 PM. and i think im going to kill myself.... hopefully today. hopefully before my roommate gets back. I might attempt to hide myself... just, go someplace else. 

im tired of trying to talk to people, therapy is only making it worse. i think i would just rather die

now before someone tells me that its a “permanent solution to a temporary problem” might i remind you that in death... I wont care. i’ll be dead, I cant be missing life or regret what i did. If i am already dead.  I’ve wanted to for years

people just always insist on stopping me why though

everyone says all these great things about me but how many of them truly know me

how many of them know my favorite color or why i liked photography

who knows what it is that makes me a BAD person

people always try to convince me i’m good. 

im not good

I like to look at both sides of the spectrum

I like picking the bad guy

because i see why they did it, 

i can easily side with your standard disney villans, like scar and gaston (sort of, he was an arrogant dick i know, but so were most men back then and frankly most continue to be) 

I can remain neutral on things like mass shootings

I dont stand for hate crimes. that i cant do, people suck, we are all temporary, mortal, but honestly the same, we can be boiled down to the same basics, human beings, coming from different places results in variations in appearance and beliefs, culture, food, anything really...

i believe there are no good guys, or bad guys. people make choices based off of where theyve been and what theyve been through. and while it might not be whats good for you, it could be whats good for them. I mean really. out of everyone in this world. you’re probably thinking about whats best for you before you think of whats best for anyone else.

Which brings me back to my point

I think im going to kill myself

this is the decision that is best for me. 

In 19 years, I have never enjoyed confrontation, it makes me anxious, it makes me angry, it makes me scared and confused. I dont like it. I can not stand it.

So i never tell people whats going on thats bothering me or hurting me or impacting me negatively

I never told my parents that their constant punishing me for my grades, made having friends and a social life hard, I couldnt go to birthday parties or movies or the mall, because i struggled to get good grades. I couldnt do school, So i couldnt have many friends, that was fair, thats a productive punishment.

I never tell my boyfriend when his constant insecurity and bellyaching about things bothers me, Because i love him, I want to help him, i do, but i want him to remember that because we’re doing life together. it doesnt mean every aspect of our lives need to involve each other, I made plans with friends,you should too. I love him. and thats what makes doing this so hard, the one heart i cant bring myself to break is his. he only wanted to love and support me this whole time, he just wants to give me the life i dream of. he wants to give me the world. and i know he’s trying. and im so grateful that i got to spend these last four years with him. but i dont think i can do life any longer. I dont have the fighting spirit he fell in love with anymore. its not your fault, you did everything right. i just cant do it anymore. You are so deserving of love babe, you have so much to give, even if you cant see it. you do. thats what makes you a good friend, a good listener. an amazing boyfriend and an even better fiancé. Im sorry for taking me away from you, but someone who can love you better. who can make you happier will come around, she will give you the life you deserve. 

I wish my friends could help. but they tend to make it worse on me. I know i dont talk much, but please stop saying im secretive( that goes for you too family) Im not secretive. i just dont know how to address people about my problems. and when i bring it up, and you comment on how im finally talking. it makes me regret it instantly. I know i dont talk. I KNOW. but i dont need to be reminded of it, especially when im upset,

 Thanks uncle dad.we’re very similar, you told me that at least. But the days where i’d be upset and you’d just sit there with me while i laid in bed, quietly crying to myself. not saying much. just, existing there... it helped.

Since school started, i’ve been holding out, i havent done it yet, because my roommate was not ok after losing a friend earlier this year. and it sucked to watch her be like that. but i dont want to make myself suffer anymore, i’ve suffered in silence for so long, its unfair to me to have to stick around when i’ve already been so sad for at least 11 years. i dont want a lifetime of it

theres no guarantee that it’ll be a lifetime.

but honestly. theres also no guarantee that it wont. 

my friends have been going through their own things. i worry about them, and i love them, but honestly. once i reached the point where i no longer valued my life, i stopped valuing most lives. human lives.

 I still care about animals. they’re cute and bring me calm. I would love to have my cat here, or be able to adopt a kitten or a puppy, they’re sweet and small. theyre warm and i could hug them when i’m down, but my mother says no. so i dont even bother bringing it up to a therapist. 

I wish my friends werent going through what they are, none of them deserve it. the hardships and pain of life. of growing up. of learning to adult.  I hope they live long happy fulfilling lives. They deserve it, they deserve the best.

Ive hated my life

the more i think back on it the less i feel like it matters

my life that is

look. you want to know something insane, that i still dont understand

how could someone so ugly, be molested so many times

like

wow.

kindergarden

7th grade

and one time at summer camp

i guess thats not a lot. 

but i think one time is too many,

genuinely. 

MY BODY

has been taken advantage of

by so many people, they decided, not me, that i was theirs to touch, and stroke, and grope...

i guess thats why i cant stand physical contact with strangers... or anyone who  i haven’t explicitly told they are trusted.

i’ve been writing for an hour.

WOW

this really feels like a suicide note. 

Ive been saying goodbye for an hour

My therapist said to contact him if the feeling to kill myself ever came. 

not happening

I’m not telling anyone... not even my boyfriend,

i cant tell anyone, they’ll just try and stop me.

I could point fingers and blame, but i wont.

My parents were wonderful. They made mistakes, but no parent doesnt,  life comes with no handbook, and when you have to maintain your own and build something sturdy for your children, so they can live a good life. it can not be easy. I think you guys did amazing. and i love you. even though you can drive me absolutely mad, I love you guys. my parents are my first love. theyre amazing.

My sister is my favorite person, we always had a good relationship. shes my sister, she taught me everything i know about life, She does everything in her power to help me. to fix things for me. to make me laugh and smile. Most recently her daily spoop messages. she’s the reason i maintained an interest in anything, She sends me memes, and links, and music. she shows me plays and movies. she has the best cat, both of my sisters cats have been my favorite, when we got shadow i was 6, and scared of her, I wanted a dog not a cat, but we got a cat. and after a while i warmed up to her, shadow was gentle and sweet and beautiful. she would come to drink your milk after you had cereal, and she would lay on my foot when i pet her to keep me from going away. and laf is the cutest most noodly cat i have ever met, he’s thin and floppy like cooked spaghetti. and i love him.

I wish, i could put into words. why i cared for the people i did so much, why i did everything in my power to make them happy, 

but i cant

and if you’re reading this i’m sorry.

I cant keep making up excuses to live another day.

i have shit grades, i have a shit attention span, I barely have job and i know i’m not good at it. 

i’m not good at anything, I’m not creative, i cant draw, my photography is sub par, I suck at making new friends and honestly i feel like nobody really wants to get to know me. 

I dont believe suicide is the answer

i never have

but I dont think i have any other way.

I had dreams of getting married, and starting a family. I had dreams of studying abroad with my friends. I wanted to move to california. I wanted to see every disney. I wanted to travel the world with my best friend. I wanted to freelance.

I dont want much anymore

shit. i dont even want to eat most of the time

i dont even want to finish this post.

it is now 2:36 PM

Im wary... i am unsure if i can. 

but i think i will

I THINK IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF

[jess-oh]

Reflection

[song of today]

oOPS, ive been getting kinda lazy again. but before i forgot or fell asleep... i wanted to type this post to just catch up on everything thats been going on.

i just watched part of the thailand team’s vlog and it made me really miss guatemala. i keep saying that theres 1 moment that i will never forget. and while that’s still true, i remembered another time. i remembered on our last day at our first village and everyone was in a giant circle and we were getting ready to leave. but in an attempt to start heading over, a bunch of the kids latched onto me and i pretended to be losing strength as i inched forward, bit by bit. but more and more kids continued to latch on until they were actually too heavy for me to carry and i fell over. but i remember. i remember lying down on the floor in the middle of the circle and being filled with so much joy. i laughed in pure bliss along with the kids. and i didnt care that we were in the middle and i could feel my team judging me for just suddenly breaking the circle. but i didnt care. i was so happy to just be there in that moment with the kids. i just remember hoping that claire was taking a video or at least a photo of us bc it was a moment that i never wanted to forget. and i can feel my memory slipping away but man, that kind of joy...it doesn’t come everyday. i miss that feeling. of just laughing my head off without a care in the world, just so incredibly glad and blessed to be with those kids. having that childlike spirit. what a powerful moment that i hope to never forget.

and the second, just to resolidify the memory, was when our team danced and sang english vbs songs in the pouring rain. we didnt care that it started raining. in fact, we werent even phased. we had a job and we were going to do it. and man, even though the kids and the adults didn’t understand and looked at us with confusing as we sang in english, i will never forget how empowered i felt. as we sang “strength and shield,” and i turned to my team from the front and yelled, “READY? 1. 2. 3!” And then turning back to the front and jumping and yelling, “I’M JUMP JUMP JUMPING FOR JOY! I’M SHOUT SHOUT SHOUTING MY THANK YOU. I’M SING SING SINGING MY LOVE. TO GIVE YOU ALL MY PRAISE TO YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. GOD IT’S ALL FOR YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. I GIVE MY PRAISE TO YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. GOD IT’S ALL FOR YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU.” The body movements. The songs. The singing. Everything. Just being there alongside my team. So fueled and pumped up. I loved every bit of it. And I hope that I never ever forget it. I loved doing all those VBS songs. English and Spanish. And while I’m sad that I can’t remember everything, I would happily learn again. There’s something so empowering about just dancing and singing those songs. 

i remember how awful i felt post mission and how i felt so useless bc i couldn’t adapt to the new situation at hand. and even though it was a mission trip, i still thought so much about how my team saw me and that filled me with so much anxiety and self hatred. i felt so useless on the trip bc i didnt know how to catch up. i couldnt catch up. i was too much of a control freak to account for that situation. and i regret it. i wasnt useless. i drew and colored so many posters. i led the body worship. and even though i was flawed and our lies skit wasnt as as strong as it couldve been, i still served. i did my job and i went through with it and thats what mattered. i impacted their lives. i remember when we had to break off into groups and while at first i thought i was bringing a group of 20 people to my area, 50+ people ended up coming. my group was way larger than anyone else’s but i didnt complain. i adapted to the new situation and i still carried out my duty. i accepted the help from our chisec homies and even though i took longer than everyone else, i still did it. i made sure everyone had the beads and the bracelet. i did it. i felt so shitty bc i didnt plan the crafts well enough. i kept relying and pushing judy when i didnt plan for my own part myself. but i did it. we did it. it happened and everything worked out in the end. on our night of debrief, i wanted to do daily QT&reflection as well as sleep before midnight and while i did try, i kinda gave up. but i have kept up with the reflections at least! but i remember my team saying i should do something that has to do with my family since our relationship was shit. but i refused. and idk if that was the right choice or not but i honestly believe that the time we spent away and apart from each other, helped way more than any kind of talking would have. we’re open now. before? i think we would’ve all been too stubborn to understand. 

Now onto the events of the past few days. Honestly, I don’t really remember what I last posted so I’ll just go by memory and make it brief. The other night. Two days ago? I hung out with Andrew and although it was awkward, I was able to introduce the topic of religion without it being too weird and for that, I am grateful. I’m also happy that God’s been allowing us to spend more time together. Just one on one. He is still Andrew but he does act differently around David. Also, I’m 98% I already wrote about this so let’s move on.

Yesterday, I met up with the PAL Presidents and Hazel. I was pretty salty toward PAL at first bc I waited 20min for them at in-n-out, only for them to ask me to come to El Mo, somewhere I was previously right next to since I went to Chase earlier that day. Begrudgingly I went but I’m glad that I decided to give them a chance. It was nice to catch up briefly with Daniel since we were both in UBMS and hear about their plans for the coming year and share my knowledge and experience as well. They’re on the right track. And while they’ll most definitely have issues with the class, I believe in them.

Afterwards, I met up with Hazel and in-n-out and regrettably ordered way too much food. I didn’t get a drink and yet, I was still dying. I got a double double, animal style fries, and a strawberry shake. But I’m still happy I did it. It was great. She’s pretty nervous about the coming year since she’s the new EIC along with someone else for yearbook and while I cannot confidently say that she’ll succeed, I do believe in her effort. I think she does have a lot of potential and have grown so much since I first met her her sophomore year. And I’m really glad and proud of how far she’s come since then. I do think it kind of sucks that the editors forced the position onto her but I think she’ll try really hard and I’m even proud of her for that. I did vent a bit about how terribly my senior year in yearbook and revealed to Hazel everything that happened behind the scenes. But I’m happy I got it off my chest. But at the same time, I know I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m over gossiping. This was just a step back. I did start looking for files for her but since most everything was on my school email and that was shut down... there was only so much that i could do. I’m still looking for some things that could help her. Admittedly, I have been a bit lazy in my research but I really don’t have a lot of stuff left. I am going to try and drop off my old yearbook binder and notebook and see if that’ll help at all but... who knows. It looks like trash to me but maybe she can find some sort of inspiration from it. 

sidenote: i was so full and lazy from my food that i convinced my sister to pick me. honestly, i shouldnt been more attentive to my phone when i originally asked her to get me but im thankful nonetheless that she actually came back out just to get me. but wtf in-n-out. howd it take you 12min to make lightly cooked fries???

but onto today, 

IIiiii, ran some errands and then met up with Rena today and while we did have a pretty great conversation and were able to keep it up for hours and hours.... we did talk about other people a lot. And I kind of hated that. We never meant to. It just started from her not knowing that so many people were sophomores. But. I kind of hated it. It felt like 2 steps back for me. And I knew it too. I kept trying to ween off that conversation but somehow, we always found ourselves back on it. Talking about other people. Not necessarily in a bad light and they werent people we knew nothing about but still. I think once we started talking about the people we knew in a relationship, it really became gossip but I didn’t know how to drop it. But man, I am filled with such regret. I wish I didn’t do that. I wish I just called ourselves out on it. But I am happy that I got to spend that time with Rena. I just hope she doesn’t see me as the gossip girl now though. I doubt it but... still.

It is something that I still need to work on and be more aware of. 

[viralhottopics]

Mental Health Patients Worry They Won’t Survive Paul Ryan’s War On Medicaid

President Donald Trump indicated in hisfirst federal budgetthat his administration is committed to investing in programs that tackle mental illness, but the health care legislation he and Republican lawmakers are championing suggests otherwise.

House Republicans released the American Health Care Act earlier this month. It proposes slashing$880 billion to Medicaid, which is the largest payer of mental health services in the country, as well as removing the requirement that Medicaid plans cover mental health and phasing out the programs expansion under theAffordable Care Act. Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Pricehas previously advocated for reducingfederal funding of the program, too.

House Speaker Paul Ryan, the architect of AHCA, gushed this week about potentially cutting Medicaid funding.

Weve been dreaming of this since you and I were drinking out of a keg, he said to National Review editor Rich Lowry at a conferenced hosted by the publication.

There are a lot of people who have chronic mental health conditions who are dependent on Medicaid, both younger people and adults, said Victor Schwartz, the chief medical officer for a youth mental health nonprofit called theJed Foundation. The people at highest risk for the worst consequences are going to be put in jeopardy.

I have no doubt that this care keeps me alive.

States will undoubtedly have to make cuts to crucial services if they lose federal funding.

Kat H., a 36-year-old single mother from Minnesota who asked not to be identified by her full name because it could affect her employment,is one of the people who stands to lose the most if she cant keep her Medicaid coverage.

I have no doubt that this care keeps me alive, said Kat, who has borderline personality disorder.

Without psychiatric care, I sometimes cant even get out of bed for days, she said.With it, I hold down a fulfilling and rewarding job, parent effectively, and maintain relationships with family and friends.

Kat is a self-employed database contractor who estimates she makes around $20,000 a year.Shes able to afford treatment thanks to Obamacares Medicaid expansion, which the GOP bill aims to end in 2020.

Todd Crouch, 46, has bipolar disorder and benefited from Medicaid expansion in his home state of Michigan. He didnt have health insurance for years, and said the quality of his health care has great improved since he signed up for Medicaid when Michigan expanded the program.

Without Medicaid, Crouch said he would be right back where I was five or six years ago, where I was hopeless.

Im barely putting food on my table, he said.How am I going to afford health care?

Bloomberg via Getty Images

The American Health Care Act, which House Republicans released earlier this month, proposes slashing $880 million to Medicaid. House Speaker Paul Ryan has long supported cutting funding for the program. 

The consequences of untreated mental illness

Issues related to untreated mental illness tend to snowball.

If those people dont have access to care, you lose work days, families break apart, Schwartz said. By virtue of not being able to treat people who are mildly troubled, you wind up with people who are sicker.

A lack of treatment can even be deadly, said Paul Gionfriddo, CEO of the Mental Health America nonprofit.

You end up with people who lose their jobs, who lose their societal supports, lose their families, lose their access to education, lose their housing, he said. And then we see them on our streets and in our jails and prisons, and frankly in our morgues.

And research has shown that mental illness can be harmful to both individuals and society if left untreated.

A 2008 study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health before Obamacare took effect found that people with mental illness who werent able to work cost the U.S. economynearly $200 billioneach year. Incarcerations, homelessness and physical health problems connected to poor mental health only add to that cost.

Where do people think the people on the corners asking for money come from? said Gionfriddo. Where do they think people who are chronically homeless come from? he added. Where do the think people in county jails and state prions come from? All of those are visual representation real life, real time of what happens when you have an inadequate system for mental health services and supports.

The GOPs plan to replace Obamacare would end up making health care even less accessible to millions of Americans, particularly tolow-income people. Around one-third of Medicaid beneficiaries suffer from mental health issuesor addiction, according to the Department of Health and Human Services.And Trumps federal budget planonly makes things worse for the poor, with cuts tokey programssuch as affordable housing, job training and legal counseling.

If I dont have my mental health, Im not able to go to work — and then what would I do? Kat H.

Research indicates that there is a direct correlation between poverty and mental health issues. Low-income people are more likely to suffer from mental illness, according toa report from the New York Universitys McSilver Institute. This is partly because theyre less likely to be able to afford treatment and partly because the stress of poverty can exacerbate existing mental health problems.

Im barely making it happen financially with my situation right now, Kat said.There are some days where we have beans and rice for dinner because thats all I have enough for in my bank account. The stress about it makes me crazy, it makes me lose sleep. If I dont have my mental health,Im not able to go to work and then what would I do?

Gionfriddo said his 32-year-old son, Timothy, has a serious mental illness and relies on disability benefits and affordable housing to stay out of jail and off the streets.

He has been making a concentrated effort to come in off the streets, he said. But you make that impossible to happen if you cut these other programs.

The GOP has a history of cutting mental health services

The Affordable Care Act has been seen as a major win formental health care.The expansion of Medicaid, coupled with increased accessto private insurance,filled gaps widened over the years by state and federal cuts to mental health services.

People with mental illness are an easy target from a purely political perspective, said the Jed Foundations Schwartz. Theres not a strong lobby, theyre not giving political contributions or in many cases not even voting.

Mental health servicesare often among the first issueson the chopping block when budgets get slashed. The mental health care system lost around $4.35 billion after the 2008 financial crisis,according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Although much of that money found its way back into budgets, some systems never recovered. Several states, includingFlorida,NevadaandMichigan,are currently weighing cutting millions more.

Some Republican lawmakers, though, are fighting to keep the American mental health care system afloat.

In aletter to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnellthis month, Sens. Rob Portman (R-Ohio), Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska), Shelley Capito (R-W.Va.) and Cory Gardner (R-Colo.) expressed serious concerns about the AHCAs effects on mental health.

Any poorly implemented or poorly timed change in the current funding structure in Medicaid could result in a reduction in access to life-saving health care services, the lawmakers said. We believe Medicaid needs to be reformed, but reform should not come at the cost of disruption in access to health care for our countrys most vulnerable and sickest individuals.

During the 2016 campaign, Trump pledged to protect Medicaid and Medicare. But he also said he would be open to funding the programs through block grants, which opponentssay could lead to reduced benefits. And it appears Trump has shifted further away from his campaign promises since taking office, supporting the Houses health care bill and hinting at dramatic changes for Medicaid recipients.

Although Trumps budget may claim to want to help people with mental illness, patients advocates arent so sure.

Until we see all the numbers,its really hard to understand just how much of a commitment is here beyond the words, Gionfriddo said.

While politicians tinker with budgets and weigh which cuts will hurt the least, patients are left without answers.

This is not some hypothetical, academic debate, Kat said. This is my real life.

CORRECTION:A previous version of this article stated that the Republicans health care plan involved $880 million in cuts to Medicaid. That figure is $880 billion.

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