#99% sure i've already rb'd this

[sentientsky]

alex i know i already sent u this but shhhh just pretend this is the first time ur seeing it

I think we all should appreciate the fact that it was Crowley who walked away first and not Aziraphale.

Can you imagine? Aziraphale turns around, ready to go, ready to leave, and Crowley knows that this is it—if he steps through that doorway he is GONE.

"Aziraphale," softly, at first, almost inaudible, but he knows he heard it, sees the twitch in his fingers.

"Aziraphale," louder now, and Crowley balls his hands into fists and takes a few steps towards him, almost shaking with bitter, twisted relief when he stops. He does not turn to face him, simply stands on top of the circle rug with tremors running through his shoulders, down his back.

"Aziraphale."

It's a warning, a plea, a 'don't you dare run away from me'. It's 'don't leave me, please'.

"What do you want me to do?" Aziraphale whispers, his voice wet with uncried tears, and he hates all of this, hates the Metatron for showing up, hates Gabriel for getting what THEY should have had, hates Nina and Maggie, hates humanity, hates every single being in heaven and hell.

Six thousand years and this is their reward? This is what they get?

"Say no," he gives back, biting his tongue until he tastes blood, and inches closer. "Tell him you've changed your mind. Stay.

"I can't. I need to try to-"

"They don't care about you, they never fucking have," and oh, he is yelling now, and it is the fury dripping from his words that finally makes Aziraphale face him. "I care about you, I have been right here for six thousand bloody years, angel. By your side, waiting for you to be ready."

"Come with me!" Anger glints in his eyes, steel-blue and burning, almost drowning out the heartbroken desperation.

"If you really think there is anything in this universe that would get me to return to heaven then—then you don't know me. You never have."

Electricity sparks on his skin, red, powerful, urging him to find release, and Crowley feels tears stinging in his eyes, blinking until they roll down his cheeks. It doesn't matter now, does it? He takes a deep breath, tries to channel the good memories, the hope, the last few years of not-really-pretending.

"Then there's nothing more to say," Aziraphale spits, and the worst part is that they both knew it was going to end this way sooner or later.

The distance between them disappears as he catches up with him, leaning in, pressing in, until they are breathing the same air, crying the same tears.

"Aziraphale, if you leave this bookshop I-," his voice breaks, unwilling to give shape to the thought begging to be spoken, "I will not be here when you come back. If you come back. I'm done waiting."

Time freezes, and his eyes widen while his body shakes with the bitter mess of emotions churning in his gut.

"You don't mean that." He doesn't. Someone knows, he does not mean a single word of it, but right now he needs to mean it, needs to believe it, or he will jump head-first into the nearest church and drown himself in holy water.

"Try me," Crowley whispers, and suddenly hands are grabbing his shirt, pulling him in, making the world disappear. Familiar lips silence him, and he kisses back because he needs this to matter or he will regret it for the rest of his sorry existence. Don't leave, he prays into the kiss, wrapping his arms around him, don'tleavedon'tleavedon'tleave.

Don't leave me here alone.

[bookwyrminspiration]

Hi! I saw you rb'd the post about autism and I rlly wanted to talk abt it! I don't live in the US, and therapists where i live are almost the same as you described. Idk if i have ADHD or Autism or something else entirely, but I do know there's something different from me than other people. I've known ever since I was little. I know my brain works differently, I see things differently, and I feel left out because of it. I relate to almost every obscure ADHD symptom (like i relate to the "i got distracted" but also the very specific "not everyone goes through that" ones).

I don't want to self diagnose because I'm nowhere near being an expert on neurodivergency, but I also know I'm different. Idk what to do because I talked to a therapist once about it (we didnt discuss it, i just mentioned it) and she said that if I've gotten this far (i'm 17) without a diagnosis and I've done fine, a diagnosis won't change that. I think that a diagnosis would 100% help because i would at least know for sure because rn i feel like i'm going crazy. Maybe everything I've been experiencing has just been the product of undealt with trauma, idk, but i rlly wish i knew for sure.

I imposter syndrome myself into thinking i'm actually just as normal as everyone else and am just thinking this becusde i want to think i'm "special". Which isn't true i'm 99% sure-

Sorry for the rant. I just dont know what to do :(

Hello, Nonsie! No need to apologize for the rant, I'm sorry you're in this situation. It absolutely sucks when therapists and other mental health professionals are like that. Sometimes it feels like they've made a decision about you already and are just tolerating you the rest of the time and dismissing everything else.

I've also been through the exact same thing with the "I know there's something different about me." I always chalked it up to me being "the gifted kid," but then I was different from all the other gifted kids as well. I didn't know what it was, so I instead turned to fiction and to stories. Especially those with magic and inhuman creatures, because I knew that whatever it was that made someone human, I didn't have it. So I saw myself instead in fairies and fae and as I got older, in monsters (I mean this in a good way). My point is that I think I understand the knowing you're different but not being able to put a finger on it experience. I often describe it as living in a bubble where I can see everyone else and they can see me, but I'm not with them. I'm separate even amongst everyone.

I will just say that if you don't think you're qualified to self-diagnose, I'd suggest looking into it more! Self-diagnoses are incredibly valid and are fairly accepted from what I've seen. Most people are very understanding about the process and about reasons why you might not be able to/not want to get an official diagnosis. I think almost all people who have diagnosed have also had the "I don't know enough to make this call" experience and then go on to look into it before doing so. They're generally not made lightly, instead made with the insight and reflection of weeks, months, years worth of work and research.

Also, I don't know how the rules work wherever you live, but it's possible that you'd be able to look into evaluations outside of your therapist if she is adamant about you not needing one. I know where I live I could find an evaluation location and submit the paperwork independently--though I think as a minor I'd need to include parent contact information, but then again maybe not. And that's also just where I am

You could also approach her or another therapist about it again and say that it's an avenue you'd like to explore even if it won't change much. Therapy is about you, so if you want something you're allowed to express that. One note I'd like to add is that I'd advise against relying on outside sources entirely for confirmation that your experiences aren't you "going crazy." That's not to say that an official diagnosis wouldn't be a relief or a breath of fresh air and a "finally! it was real!" That's an entirely understandable reason to want an evaluation or diagnosis, it's just that things don't always work perfectly and people can be wrong. So if you're basing your understanding entirely on someone else's assessment and they miss something, it can feel like a huge disappointment. And it's more likely when the system isn't friendly towards you.

I can tell you that you aren't making it up and that whatever you've experienced and been through, it is real and valid and you deserve answers about it. Whether those answers come from yourself or through treatment, I hope you find what you're looking for. I actually think a very common and relatable finding out you might be autistic/adhd/something else is obsessing over it and then convincing yourself you're making everything up and are actually normal and just suck at being a person.

I don't know if you want advice, but I think if I were in your situation (based on the knowledge I have) I'd look into it more. There are plenty of YouTube videos and online resources you can use to help figure things out, and if it's something you want then research what options are available in your area and what the requirements are (e.g. age/information/if you can do it alone or not). When I was first exploring all these possibilities, I started a thing in my notes app to keep track of different experiences that could potentially indicate or relate to something so I could look into it later, so maybe that could help!

I'm wishing you the best of luck in whatever comes next for you in this experience <33