#911 8.08 coda

[chefbuck]

i hold one card that i can't use

aka 8.08 coda fic, wc: 1.4k

--

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It’s wasn’t supposed to be this long. But then a week passed. And then another, and another and suddenly months have accumulated and the Diaz household has never felt so boney. And Buck watched his best friend wilt away as the days went by. 

But then— Then Eddie answered the door pantsless and although something inside Buck slumps at the sight of no mustache, for the first time in months Eddie looks lighter. He looks like he’s finally breathing again. And how could Buck feel anything but relief?

And yes, Tommy. Tommy is just another dot on the list of people who have seen Buck and not found him good enough to stick around for. Its— Its—

Buck’s still processing. 

Whatever. He’s doing his damnedest not to backslide because healthy coping is part of his new regimen and he’s focused on centering his feelings and frustrations into baking things for his loved ones who actually stick around. 

He’s just finishing handing over a basket of banana nut loaf and chocolate chip cookies and breakfast scones into Eddie’s hands when he tells him he’s moving to Texas. And Buck is- Maddie. Abby. Alli. Taylor. Maddie. Eddie. Tommy. 

Buck is fine. Buck is fine because he’s plastering a smile up on his face to show just how fine he is and holding the tablet in his hands, ready to help out. And if he holds it in front of him like a shield and tightens it to his chest to send a message from his heart through the device to tell Chris to just come home, he can still be mad as long as he comes home, then that’s between Buck and Eddie’s trusty iPad. 

So Buck sits with him on the couch and tries not to think about the last time they did that. (Tommy wound still fresh, Eddie beautiful under the glow of his own joy. Now, Buck pretending it doesn’t hurt and Eddie, last straw and everything.) Buck sits with him on the couch and helps him out with the terrible nightmare that is house (and apartment, Buck somehow managed to convince him with a few accessible options he found) hunting and he sits in with meetings with realtors because he’s nothing if not thorough. When his presence confuses them a bit, then that’s just karma for number three on the bullet list. But Buck helps Eddie in everyway he can to find the best place for him, even though Buck himself will never step foot inside. 

(Because Buck doesn’t want Eddie to move, are you kidding? Of course he doesn’t want Eddie to move, but what is he supposed to do? Tell him not to go and be with his son? Like hell he is. So if Buck has to rip his heart out of his chest and help it leave him just for the sake of Eddie and Chris together again, he would do it. He would do it a million times over.)

When Eddie tells him over and over that Buck didn’t really have to do all that Buck will smile and say I know. He never has to do anything for the Diazes. He does it because he wants to. 

-

“Okay, and you got the address of the place, right?” 

“Yes, Eddie,” except with the smile Buck puts on his face the tone comes out more like yes, dear, and Buck tries very hard to keep his composure. Both hands on the wheel now, and if Eddie looked over he would see it clear as day that Buck is barely holding it together. Thankfully, for Buck, Eddie is determined to look anywhere but at him. 

“Right, okay. And you have everyone’s numbers just in case of emergency? Not that you should need it but I know you like to have that.” 

Buck nods his head, like a bobble doll. “Saved in my phone.” Buck wishes he was a bobble doll. That way he could fit in Eddie’s carry on and take him with him and Eddie could put him high on a shelf and watch over his boys just to make sure they’re safe no matter what. 

“And, shit, did I forget my charger?” Eddie’s turning around in his seat, rummaging through the glove compartment, and center console storage for anything he could have left behind. 

“It’s in the front pocket of your bag.” Buck pulls into park. They’re here. He doesn’t feel like throwing up. “Eddie,” Buck turns his head to look at Eddie, and finally he looks at him. “It’s gonna be fine. 

Eddie holds his gaze and lets out a breath. The wild look in his eyes doesn’t dissipate. “Yeah. You’re right. Fine.” His smile doesnt reach his eyes. He looks tired. 

Buck sticks his tongue out just between his lips, like he does when he’s gearing up to say something, but all he comes up with is, “I’ll grab your bag.” 

Buck’s unlocking the doors and unbuckling his seating and grabbing Eddie’s bag from the back. It’s a miracle Buck’s knees dont buckle underneath him from the short walk to his driver seat to the truck of his jeep. The last time the Diazes used this suitcase it was to fit both Eddie and Chris’ belongings for a week and a half trip to visit Eddie’s sisters. This time, it’s filled to the brim with just Eddie, since none of them know how long he’ll be gone. 

Buck’s not brave. You’d think he would be with his job and the daring stunts he pulls. But his feet are planted to the asphalt and so instead of meeting Eddie at the passenger side, Eddie has to come to him and Buck just hands over the suitcase. They’re not exactly in front of the doors that enter to the terminal but the feelings just the same. 

Eddie stands in front of him finally, and he must be fucking nervous for his flight because he looks as pale as Buck feels. He’s on the curb so he’s basically the same height as Buck but he stands so far from him, a whole two steps away. 801.6 miles is going to kill him. (Buck first googled the distance when Chris left and he would recite the number in his head, because they say getting to know something makes it less scary. Except the number stayed just as big and Chris stayed just as distant.) 

He clears his throat. “Here you go.” 

Eddie takes the handle from Buck and their fingers brush just a bit. One last time.  

Buck’s not brave. He can’t will his feet to walk Eddie to the airport glass doors because the last time he did that for someone they didn’t return until they both long moved on. Buck doesn’t think he can survive a do-over of that. Not that it’s the same thing. Eddie’s not his girlfriend. Although he does—

Eddie doesn’t say anything so Buck says, “I’ll, um, I’ll be sure to check, check in on your place every few weeks to make sure everything’s okay. And the mail, do you want me to, to forward you your mail?” Pebbles are making their home in Buck’s throat. 

“Oh, um. I hadn’t really thought of that.” Eddie’s voice sounds small. 

Buck waves him off. Right, no need to stress the guy out even more. “That’s okay, I’ll figure it out.”

“Buck-”

There’s so much he wants to say to Eddie. He wants to tell him that Manta Rays are highly intelligent and the markings of their underside are specific to each one of them. He wants to tell him about the new frog exhibit at the aquarium next week. He wants to tell him about how C shift started a rumor Adrien might be pregnant due to the five missed shifts, but it’s really because she’s fighting off a nasty flu. He wants to ask Eddie to take him with even though it’s not possible and Buck doesn’t even want to go, he just wants his boys here. 

But because Buck’s brain and body hate him he doesn’t say any of those things. Instead he blurts, “Are you coming back?” He’s wincing immediately because now he’s jinxed it.

Eddie almost looks surprised and then soft, “Of course.” 

It’s more than Abby ever gave him. It’s a verbal, solid answer. It’s words in the air that Buck could catch in his hand if he jumps at the right time. Because Buck and Eddie are so much different than Buck and Abby ever were (he doesn’t think it’s polite to compare but he almost wants to say better?). And it’s not that he doesn’t trust Eddie or thinks he would ever lie to him, because he wouldn’t. It’s just Buck doesn’t trust his ability to convince the people he loves to stick around. 

[wallabywhump]

Post Episode 8x08 CODA/Continuation

Content: Light angst, Buck spiralling, Buck's abandonment issues/running thoughts/(has ADHD), BuckTommy hints at the end.

Word Count: 1,965

Started writing this when the episode ended, please enjoy!

---

The sign goes out front of Eddie's house two weeks later, Buck helps to dig the hole. Buck helps talk to the realtor. Buck talks Eddie down from a three-bed home with an attic office in a HOA suburb and helps him find a respectably sized two bed that will leave him with money to renovate the bathroom and add a ramp up to the door.

Buck bakes a million cookies and eats them while Eddie has meetings with realtors. He sets out sweet breads and muffins when Eddie has an open house, and he happily serves them to people, "yes, there is a gluten free option! I was playing around with xanthan gum, so it shouldn't- oh, you're too kind."

All through it all, Buck focuses on Eddie, and he tries to ignore the ball of panic that's growing and growing and growing, as Eddie calls his mom and dad, and talks to Chris, and they're discussing going to view the home together and-

"I'll be there in two days, buddy!" Eddie says to Chris, a smile wide on his face while he put the autographed picture of the Hotshots cast into a wallet to keep it safe. "I can't wait to see you; we can talk without it lagging."

Buck takes a deep breath.

"Buck's not coming, LA won't survive if we both are off work."

Buck takes the butter off the heat, starts mixing in the sugar.

"I was talking it over with Grandpa, and we can go to the aquarium while I'm there. I'll even get to cheer you on in your chess match."

Chris groans. "You don't cheer during chess matches, dad, you have to be quiet."

Eddie laughs, and Buck needs to savor that sound. Needs to bottle up the sound of his best friend, and the kid he loves to the moon and back, teasing each other because he doesn't know how long he'll have this for. "Well, okay, you'll just have to teach me what to do, Mijo. I've never been to a chess match before."

The flour comes out of the microwave and Buck mixes that in, the soothing fold-fold-fold making his raging heart beat easier to ignore.

"You've never played chess before," Chris teases.

Buck spares a glance at Eddie, and he's fondly smiling at the tablet, and he says, "Well, you'll have to teach that too. Need to understand how you're winning, kid."

Buck is trying his best to be happy for Eddie, desperately putting his issues to the side, he hasn't even mentioned Tommy with all the baking he's been doing.

Eddie, graciously, hasn't mentioned how Buck has gone back to how he was the exact week after Tommy dumped him.

Or perhaps Eddie hasn't noticed with all the preparation and the legal jargon and clearing out everything to make the house look pretty for viewings, and Buck-

Buck really wants to talk to someone.

Eddie's leaving, Bobby is busy building a house, Hen, Maddie, Chimney-

Everyone's moving forward towards something happier. And Buck's stuck trying not to tie his best friend to a city with his sad puppy dog eyes and a pout, all while missing his ex so much that focusing on Eddie leaving drowns out that pain and fills it with something different.

"Buck?"

Buck jumps, dropping his spatula into the bowl. "Huh? W-What's-"

"Chris hung up, he's got school tomorrow."

Buck picks his spatula up, continues mixing his cookie dough. It's as he folds a third time that he notices he forgot the chocolate chips.

"More cookies?"

Buck forces a smile on his face, ignores the floundering puttering in his heart that tells him he needs to call someone before this becomes unsustainable. Baking isn't distracting him, it's not-

He wants Eddie to stay, he wants Chris to come home, he wants a barbecue in Bobby's backyard with his family-

He wants to call Tommy.

"It's for the viewing tomorrow," Buck says, proud of how even his voice sounds, how it doesn't even sound like a lie.

Eddie sidles up to the counter, looking into the bowl. "You don't have to try buttering up potential buyers with sugary goods. I know you set a precedent for the first one, but I don't want you to feel like you have to."

Buck puts the bowl and spatula down and bumps his hip into Eddie's as he starts greasing up the pan. "If I sweeten them up, maybe they'll actually buy, and you can leave quicker."

The free-sounding tease is easy, it's easy to fake, it's been easy to fake since that day he picked up the tablet and saw the houses. It's been easy to fake since Tommy dumped him, and he had to crawl out of his home and go to work and look somewhat put together, so no-one was scared on their calls. It's been easy to fake since Abby left him at the airport, and with a home that wasn't quite his, and an uneasy feeling in his heart that she wasn't coming back. It's been easy to fake since he was sixteen years old, and Maddie was leaving and-

Maddie, Abby, Tommy, Eddie.

People leave, and that's okay, and it's selfish to force them to stay. No matter how much he wished they would choose to stay.

Buck scoops out a glob of dough and drops it onto his pan.

Eddie rolls his eyes. "Okay, bud, I'm gonna have a beer while you finish with...that."

Buck sets up the mixer to bake a cake after he puts the cookies in the oven.

---

Buck drops Eddie off at the airport and spirals.

The goodbye wave feels robotic, despite knowing that Eddie will be back in a week, even if it's just to start packing up his life to move it hours away. His phone sits in the dock on the dash, and Buck-

Buck doesn't have anything to distract himself from the yawning emptiness inside him.

Nothing to put his mind to, nothing to focus on, just a whole lot of nothing.

The nothing that has been eating away at every positive thought and coping skill he'd put into trying to ignore how much he missed Tommy. The way Tommy would rub his arm and pull him in for a hug when he was feeling low. How Tommy would sarcastically tease him when his anxiety spiked, until Buck couldn't even remember he'd been anxious. How they could sit in silence and not have to chat, and it was just peaceful, and it put Buck at ease, and Tommy wouldn't even mention when Buck's leg started tapping, he'd just put a hand on Buck's knee and lean his weight into-

Fuck.

Tommy would have been a rock through this, platitudes about Eddie not being dead, stop panicking. "I can fly a helicopter, babe, just say the word and you can visit."

Except, Tommy isn't his rock anymore. He's a hurricane that has Buck unmoored and swirling in an abyss of panic and loneliness and, fuck, shit, fuck, Buck has to talk to someone. Or bake something. Or go to the middle of nowhere, with no reception, and scream at the sky.

Everyone's busy. Eddie's on a plane. No-one...he has-

"Buck?"

Buck jolts, staring down at the phone now in his hand, Tommy's face filling the screen, his nose scrunched and looking confused, concerned and cold all in one expression.

So closed off.

"I-I didn't mean to call," Buck whispers, his voice weak and thready even to his own ears. "Hi. Uh, I'll just, uh, hang up."

Except Buck doesn't, he stares at Tommy and feels his heart stutter.

Tommy raises an eyebrow, and Buck watches the cold melt off Tommy's face, leaving only confusion and concern.

"What's happening, Buck?"

"I...just dropped Eddie off at the airport, and I'm sitting at the drop off spot in the taxi ranks, and-"

Tommy's confusion disappears, and his eyes soften, and he's openly concerned and it's like a knife in Buck's chest.

Buck lets out a hoarse laugh. "I've held it in for weeks, not calling, and my best friend leaves and it's like I can't help it- Jesus." Buck runs a hand down his face, he feels like a mess.

"Why did you call me, Buck?"

Because it was habit for six months straight, because every time Buck's been sad since the breakup he's had to physically remove himself from his phone to stop himself from calling Tommy, because Buck just wants to have Tommy as his, and he can't seem to move on despite everyone else seeming able to.

"Everyone else...is moving forward, making families and living their lives, but I'm-"

Buck should hang up, forget about this, say 'sorry, bye asshole', and block Tommy's number once and for all.

Except-

"I'm stuck, stuck on that day in my loft, wondering what happened and how that occurred, and all I've wanted since the day it happened was to call you and fix it or-or, I don't know...I just feel so incomplete here. Unsatisfied. Nothing-nothing makes sense."

Buck rolls on.

"And Eddie told me not to call, so I didn't, except then Eddie decided he wanted to move to Texas and I couldn't be selfish and ask him to stay, so instead I've been helping him, helping him leave my life, because then at least I helped control it."

Buck chokes up.

"Because he's an adult with different priorities, and he can make his own decisions and it's my job as a friend to support him, and I guess you'd know that too if you still talked to him, or hey, maybe he would have stayed for you." He's fucking it up, finally got Tommy on the phone and rather than giving Tommy all the reasons they could work, and he should stay, he's dumping all his fears about Eddie leaving. "And I- I'm not making sense, I'm all over the place, this is not what I wanted to say at all, I had a whole speech about how I love you, and I deserved better, and-"

"Are you safe to drive?" Tommy asks, his voice cutting through Buck's monologue.

Buck bites his lip and nods his head. Of course, Tommy doesn't want to hear about his problems, they're broken up.

"Yeah, yeah, I..." Buck sniffs, wipes at his face despite it being dry, and forces a smile on his face. "I'm just a little sad, sorry for calling."

Tommy shakes his head, and he looks like he's in physical pain, and God, Buck feels like an asshole. He's so selfish, and he should have just thrown his phone out and got a new number after the breakup if he knew he was just going to trample over boundaries.

"No, don't be s- I mean, okay, okay. This sounds like- Eddie left? No, this is a conversation for in person," Tommy sounds just as confused and lost as Buck, which isn't nice, because Buck expects Tommy to be a rock, to be steady, to be- well, that went out the window the night they broke up.

"In person?" Buck wonders aloud.

Tommy hums, and his nose scrunches up, and he puts a finger to the bridge of his nose. The video feed is shaking like the phone in his hand is shaking. Buck swallows and waits for whatever emotional turmoil Tommy is experiencing to pass.

"Drive yourself to mine," Tommy orders.

Buck stares at the screen in shock. "W-What? Tommy, I- no, I-" A taxi starts honking their horn behind him.

"Mine," Tommy repeats, sure, and despite everything it makes that emptiness in Buck feel a little smaller, like Tommy is filling it with just the promise of a conversation. "Sounds like you need to get going. See you soon, Evan."

Tommy hangs up, and Buck spirals, but he starts the car anyway and drives to Tommy's with a spark of something in his chest.

[gayhoediaz]

of bookmarks and bravery

M || 1.6k

The moment Buck snatches the tablet, he regrets the decision. It’s an invasion of privacy—but they don’t keep secrets from each other, he knows that flipping the tablet and seeing a regular tab of pornhub open won’t actually embarrass Eddie, or make him upset. Buck would make a playful comment about how his taste is vanilla, and they would move on.

The second he takes a look at the screen, however, his blood runs cold. Not necessarily because of what’s on there—but because this is suddenly a vastly different genre of invasion of privacy.

The video is paused, two men on the screen, drenched in sweat, one of them with their legs locked around the other’s waist, a large, happy grin on his face as the man between his thighs seems to be in the middle of an especially deep thrust.

Jock Rails Latino Hunk (RAW) (REAL COUPLE)

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