#71 families wiped off the face of the earth

[favroitecrime]

i won’t be on tumblr for a while. i can’t fathom everything that’s happening and being on tumblr feels like an escape. but it’s an escape i don’t want nor can i stand. if you message me in the next few days i’m not ignoring you i’m just directing any energy i have to something much, much more important

[atsadi-shenanigans]

Feeding Alligators 71 - Resolutions

On AO3.

It’s a pretty clearing, in the daylight. Not the same one you found him in (that seemed sacrilegious), but close by. Nearer the road. You make sure Gale marks it on y’all’s map and you donate your meager stash of linens to enshroud him.

It’s a small gathering. Only you, Gale, Wyll, and Karlach. And y’all’s new, druid friend. Astarion, understandably stays behind. As does Lae’zel, who seems bored with the entire concept.

Y’all bury Gandrel next to a patch of wildflowers. You got no idea what funerary practices the gur people observe. But burning him seemed too extreme (and some Earth cultures react real bad to that), and you can’t just leave him out here. Wyll and Halsin dig the hole, while you gather stones to pile on, and Karlach comes grunting in with a fucking boulder perched up on her shoulder.

You got no idea what to say. Shadowheart meanders up as y’all finish laying the man to rest. She offers some words about soothing darkness (Gale gives her Looks, again). Halsin adds his own speech about peace and the Oakfather watching over this “place of rest.”

The trees seem to respond to that, which gives the big man a small smile.

They end up leaving you alone with him. You, his killer.

You’ve killed people in Faerun. Directly, or through others. You killed somebody on your second or third day here. You set that owlbear on them two cultists. Shoved Kahga off a cliff. Orchestrated wiping out a whole damn war camp and that’s after bombing the hell outta them fake paladins.

“I…I don’t know what to say.”

The freshly-laid stones don’t answer. The wind hisses along the trees and distant birds chirp at each other. You ain’t heard a crow all damn day.

“I’m sorry.”

Too small. Too inadequate. Kinda sums up a lotta things, recently.

“I wish it didn’t come to this. I think we could’a been actual friends, maybe. I…I wish we could’a. My people…my dad’s people. Their kids got taken, too. I got taken. I wanted to help you. I still do.”

Ain’t much in your pockets. But your fingers brush a leather band, decorated in a string of bright beads. You got no idea what it means, if anything at all. But he was wearing it when…when he died. It was the only thing you took off of him (that you late anybody take off him). The beads feel smooth as you roll them between your fingers. You wonder if he held them like you do, traced along the edges with his thumb and thought about his family.

“I’ll find them. Your people. I’ll give them this and let them know where you are.”

The stones don’t answer.

You ain’t expecting them to.

There ain’t no more to say. So you turn and head back to camp.

Lae’zel is waiting when you get there. Her gaze sweeps over you: your clothes all dirty and torn up, muscles occasionally spasming; your hair grown shaggy over the tops of your ears; the blood is washed from your face and mouth, but your hands are bruised, knuckled battered and bleeding from carrying all them stones.

She nods. “You did not die.”

“Um. Nope?”

“Unarmed, against a superior force.”

“He wasn’t…” You don’t think she actually cares what he was doing or what he was like. That he tried to help you at the end and that’s what got him killed.

Her eyes narrow. “It seems you may not be so worthless after all. We will resume training so you do not degrade yourself before my people.”

Oh. Goodie.

For some reason, a twinge of something almost like warmth flickers inside you? This place is so fucked up and weird and it’s fucking contagious.

“Yeah,” you say. “Um, thanks, I think.”

She nods once again, and brushes past you to go do Lae’zel stuff. Probably chew through a tree or something; terrorize the local wildlife.

Shadowheart kneels beside her tent in what you think is meditation, while Wyll practices his footwork with his backup sword flashing in the sunlight.

Karlach’s tent, as usual, sits next to yours. She’s digging through her non-magical pack, looking for something. Gives you a grin and a nod as you pass. “Soldier.”

Y’all’ll be at Lae’zel’s creche in a matter of days, probably. You gotta start making plans. And for that, you head past your own tent to the one that, once more, lurks behind yours.

“Well hello, ally,” Astarion says.

All traces of the hole through his ribs is gone. He wears a different shirt as he perches on his little camp stool. His skin is more white than gray, but still too pale to be mistaken for somebody in good health. Wyll has been kind enough to go hunting, and brought back a few nearly dead bunnies that hadn’t been poisoned (you forbade Astarion from feeding on Gandrel) (“but he’s right there and he’s already dead, darling”).

He moves easier as you come to a stop. And not just from downing four bunnies like a frat boy cracking a six-pack of cold beers. He seems looser around you: his hands flit around easily and he’s back to making those exaggerated expressions that ain’t completely some form of asshole. He’s…relaxed.

You exchange greetings and a couple of pleasantries (how are you; almost fell over peeing but didn’t, so better; you should have let me desecrate that corpse; you can desecrate the next people we inevitably have to fucking murder if that makes you feel better; you’re too sweet, darling). Then you get to the point.

“You think Lae’zel’s people are gonna live up to her hype?” you say.

“Their what?”

Translation. Right. “Fix the worms.”

He toys with the book he’s holding, the pads of his fingers stroking along the spine as he seems to consider. “I suppose if anyone knows anything about our parasitic friends, it would be them. Be that as it may, I’m not terribly eager to go waltzing into a lair of murderous lizards.”

Same.

You nod. And waffle about the next part. It needs to be asked. It’s been weighing on you. But you doubt he’ll appreciate it and he’s probably been thinking about (dreading) the whole damn thing himself.

“Say it does,” you say, starting a good distance from the bush you intend to beat. “Say three or four days from now, we’re all de-wormed. What’re your plans?”

He makes a face at you (it’s the “de-wormed” part, ain’t it). Hums and haws and fiddles with his book.

The man has no idea, does he?

“You said that fuckface can control you,” you press. “I’m sorry to be asking, but I kinda gotta. How? What does that mean, exactly?”

So he tells you. And he wasn’t kidding about “puppet.” You listen and try real hard to keep your posture neutral and your expression blank, even as your guts twist up and the adrenaline gives a rage kick through your arteries.

You breathe out long and slow. Prop your hands on your hips where he’s least likely to notice them shaking.

“So what’s the range on that?” you say. Imagine your body just moving when somebody says so. Imagine what it would have been like on the farmstead. And then you imagine receiving the fucking Oscar you deserve for keeping your voice so fucking level when you continue. “Is there a way to block it, now that you ain’t actively, uh…?”

He catches your verbal fumble. Raises an eyebrow. “Enslaved?”

You want to find that miserable shitting fuck who did that to him and smash his goddamned fucking teeth out, leave his mouth a bleeding cavity of jagged, enamel stumps, the ground littered with blood and spit and chips of teeth.

“Have you heard of any kinda mental shielding or anything? Cause I think we can get Gale on board with that. I haven’t even gotten to the Roman Empire yet.”

Astarion’s face starts to close up again. And you think you know why, catch a hint of the emotions he must be stuffing down. To know somebody has hurt you that bad for so long, and to know there ain’t nothing you can do about it. That’s the kind of anger that chews a person up from the inside.

“I honestly don’t know,” he says, after a moment. “I’ve never, ah, been able to test that before.”

Fucking son of a motherfucking hag bitch. You hope you can find a way to make that fuckface die screaming.

“So it might be immediate?” you say and absolutely hate what those words do to him.

Because a shadow settles over Astarion. Something cold and dark, and you desperately want to look away, but you started this and you gotta stare into that void now.

“I got a proposition,” you say, when the urge to squirm shivers over your skin too long to ignore. “If you’re amenable. We get Gale in on this. Wyll, too. And the others, if they want. Assume the worst might happen and go from there.”

He gives you that guarded look again. Nods once.

You take another breath. Hold it. “Do you trust me enough to tell me all you know about vampire lords? Their weaknesses?”

And he looks at you. Fucking looks at you. Don’t speak for a long time as Wyll grunts and moves through his forms. As Gale mutters to himself and Karlach says, “Yes! There you are!”

Then, “You really intend to pursue this?”

Y’all got brainworms that need dealing with, and some mystery fucking space wizard saying she’s “shielding” you. You got a gith creche and this “Absolute” motherfucking cult. But beyond that lies a dead man in a mountain clearing and a camp full of grief. Stands a pale elf with red eyes and sunken cheeks and a hunted, starving look to him. And all that comes from one man.

You are going to find a fucking way to take that piece of fucking shit down.

“Very,” you say.

Astarion stares at you a moment longer, before his head tilts back and that malicious smile oozes across his features. “Alright then, darling. Where would you like me to start?”

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send me a ✐ for a random sentence starter from my muse (1-1500) — tw: profanity, mild nsfw, long list

generator here quotes compiled from here inspired by

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❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜
 ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ �� It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness.  ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives?  ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control.  ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly.  ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope —  It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together.  ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase.  ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord.  ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you.  ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory.  ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are.  ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences.  ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise.  ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table?  ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place?  ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death?  ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable.  ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you.  ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner.  ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away.  ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

[pretend-writer]

Down Below (Chapter 71)

Summary: After being sent down on Earth with the other prisoners from the Ark, Y/N Reyes faces series of events and learns about survival. With new things happening around her, she is now starting a new chapter in her life.

Pairing: Bellamy Blake x reader, John Murphy x reader, Raven Reyes x sister!reader

Word Count: 3.1k words

Warning: swearing, injuries

✤  ·  ✤  ·  ✤  ·  ✤  ·  ✤

It had been 6 years since we've been back on the ship; at least that was how it felt like. The Red Sun, the journey through the forest, it took so long and my body was so exhausted. It was a relief that I was finally back to our temporary home.

We got back "home", not expecting anything that we saw. Everyone was out of cryo, other than McCreary's men. They've kept all criminals in cryo except for one.

'What the hell is going on?' Bellamy said, curious as we all walked into the crowd of people that were in the cafeteria.

As we squeezed in between everyone, there was Octavia, groaning while she laid on the ground with blood all over her body.

'Trying to help your sister but she's stubborn.' Diyoza took her hand out for Octavia to grab. She instead ignored her, trying to get up on her own. 'See? Stubborn.'

'Why are you out of your pod?' Bellamy asked.

'You're asking me? Someone took me out, why else would I be out here.'

Raven came through the crowd, 'I got her out. Octavia got jumped by Wonkru and she was fighting them back. I didn't know what to do so I got Diyoza to help me.'

'Well, you could go back because we cannot have you running around the ship.'

'I stopped the fight didn't I? Octavia could've died, Bellamy. People are upset about Blodreina and showed no mercy. I helped her.'

'Now you can help us by leaving. We're trying to find a new home at Sanctum with these people down on the ground and they can't know we have criminals with us.'

My brows furrowed, confused how we never really talked about what we were doing next. 'Uhm. Did we even agree to stay there with those people?'

Sure, they helped Murphy but we don't know what they were capable of nor did we know who these people were. I was all for building our community again but not with strangers we knew nothing about.

'Yeah they seem a bit... odd.' Shaw added. 'I mean they were too perfect. Their fancy clothes, their mannerism, I don't know I just don't fully trust them.'

'You're the one talking.' Bellamy mumbled, rolling his eyes.

'And you're innocent in all of this Bellamy Blake?' Diyoza walked towards him, 'We are all criminals here, one way or another. We killed to survive, sacrificed our loved ones, killed some to avoid the deaths of many. If not, we witnessed every murder and haven't spoken up about it. We are all guilty of something.'

Bellamy chuckled, 'Whether you have convinced others or not you're never going to change my mind. You're leaving either way.'

'I'm pregnant. How am I supposed to survive in the woods with nothing?' No one had ever mentioned that Diyoza was pregnant, it could've been obvious the way her belly was out but I was too busy to stare at her child. Not to mention we were fighting for our lives back on Earth. 

'Is that really necessary Bellamy?' Raven spoke up. 'We don't have to get rid of anybody.'

'We have a chance to live in a decent environment, with a supporting community with food and water. How are we supposed to pass that up?'

Diyoza shook her head, 'You know what. Do as you please, I don't want to be a part of this mess anyways.'

Watching her walk away, I stood in front of Bellamy. 'You're okay with letting her go? Letting her live off in a woods where we don't even know what happens down there.'

'She can deal.'

I shook my head, glaring at him as I wondered what in the world made him this way. 'Who even are you?'

After glaring at Bellamy I started to chase after Diyoza and ran through the hallway. 'Diyoza, wait. Don't go.'

She kept on walking, eventually ended up at by the door where the exit was. 'Your boyfriend doesn't want me here. I don't want to be somewhere I'm not wanted.'

'He's not my boyfriend.'

'Trouble in paradise huh?'

I bit my lip, 'He's beside the point. But some of us want you here, at least I do. Heck, we need you here. There's these people down there and we can't figure them out. It’s just something about them that feels odd. Then there's this Red Sun and-'

'The Red Sun?'

'This thing on the ground that messes with your head and-' I figured that after they dropped us off, they went back up for safety. Which made sense why they weren't affected by The Red Sun. ‘It’s just a mess okay?’ 

'Hm sounds like I can't help you with that one. Sorry but I’m not a brain surgeon.'

'Okay, fine but you're smart, reliable and capable of everything. Just stay. Please.'

Diyoza paused, staring at me in silence for a while before she spoke up again. 'Why do you want me here so bad? After all I've done.'

'Honestly, I don't know.' I paused for a second, thinking about why exactly was I defending the woman that wanted to destroy our clan. 'If you wanted to kill Wonkru, you would've done it but you didn't. Meanwhile when McCreary stepped into your shoes, we lost so many of us. I feel like you're not completely a bad person.'

'You're a weird one huh.' Diyoza laughed, 'I was one of the most wanted mass murderer in the world and you said I'm not a bad person.'

'People change and I think you have. I just wished that people would see that part of you instead of letting you go because of your past.'

Diyoza nodded, 'You have a good heart. You know that? No wonder why that boy is in love with you.'

'Well, that boy screwed everything up. I've tried, all these years with him and nothing has been working between us.'

'You know, when we had Clarke hostage back when we first landed on Earth, the first thing Bellamy had asked was to dig up that bloody underground of yours to come save you. He wouldn't let us do anything else. Said that you were in critical condition when the doctors found you outside six years ago during the radiation, worried that you didn't make it from getting exposed.'

My eyes widened, shocked to hear these information from her. 'Ah, I didn't know that.'

'He really wouldn't shut up about you. Said that he couldn't live with out you and that you made him a better person. He wanted to talk to you about everything that had happened at The Ring while you were down here. Then wanted to apologize for something he'd done up there, he started to dig through that fallen tower over that hatch with his bare hands, poor boy. Bellamy seemed crazy but it showed how much he cared about you.'

I didn't know what to think after what I had heard from Diyoza. It was surprising to hear, especially knowing how it all went down after that. It would've never occurred to me that he felt so strongly about seeing me, the way he approached me after our reunion.

He had acted like nothing happened, instead Bellamy asked so many questions as to what happened in the bunker. If he had been honest with me from the start, just as how Diyoza said, maybe it could've all been different.

But who was I to say, I was never honest with him about the Dark Year either.

'Anyways kiddo, it's time for me to go.' Diyoza smiled, but it seemed like a sad one. 'What do your people say, "May we meet again" right?'

I nodded, smiling back at her. 'Yeah. May we meet again.'

Diyoza pushed the button to open the ship, as I watched her hop off and slowly walk into the uncharted world. We've only covered a small portion of the moon, who knows what was out there. I knew she could take care of herself but I was scared for her.

As Diyoza disappeared into the woods, I heard bickering from behind. It was Octavia and Bellamy; mostly Bellamy yelling at his sister.

'Why did you think it was okay to pick a fight with those people? Now look at you.' Bellamy snickered.

Octavia yelled back, 'So you think it's a good idea to throw me off the ship too?'

'Wait, what?' I already thought Bellamy was crazy for kicking Diyoza out. She was a fighter, a great one at that and she knew the way around tough situations. She would've been a reliable person to have on our side and now all of the sudden he had decided to kick his own sister out too.

'Reyes, stay out of this. I'm serious.' Bellamy flared his nose, not looking at my direction at all.

'Bellamy, how am I supposed to live in the woods? I don't know what's out there.' Octavia seemed terrified and scared; The same eyes I saw when the Dark Year began.

He shook his head, 'You can catch up with Diyoza. You both would know what to do.'

'This is fucking crazy.' I cut in between the both of them, facing Bellamy. 'Are you really going to leave Octavia out there?'

'Y/N, it's okay. There's no convincing with him, his mind is made up.' Octavia bit her lip, eyes watering as she stared at her brother. 'I-I just can't believe you're actually doing this.'

Bellamy kept his mouth shut, just staring at her as she slowly backed away from us. She looked over at me and smiled.

Octavia seemed as though she already made peace with leaving us but I didn't. Despite what happened between us the last few weeks before cryo, she was someone that was close to my heart. She helped me through tough times, starting from my trauma at Mount Weather to being by my side when I had no one at the bunker.

She was my best friend, someone I needed by my side throughout everything. I didn’t want her to go but knowing the stubbornness in the Blake family, I knew that Bellamy and Octavia had made their decision.

'Y/N, thanks for everything. I'm sorry I said those words to you when we were marching to the gorge, you know I didn't mean it. I appreciate everything you've done for me at the bunker.’ Her tears filled her eyes, approaching me as she opened her arms. 

‘It's me and you forever, Octavia.' I hugged her tightly, crying into her shoulders.

'You and me, always.' She smiled as she wiped her eyes, glanced at her brother before she turned around and walked away. 

He closed the door to the ship as soon as Octavia took off, her jogging away as she chased Diyoza down the forest. Not even acknowledging that she may die out there, not even saying their possible last goodbyes.

'You're unbelievable.' I wouldn't have thought Bellamy would go so low to a point where he would abandon his own sister.

'And I told you to not butt in our business.'

'Octavia is my best friend, of course I'm going to butt in. For all we know, we'll never see her again. Would you be able to live with yourself if we see her dead in the middle of the woods one day?'

It hurt to see him act this way, I had no idea why Bellamy chose to do something he didn’t have to do at all. His mind was probably going crazy, just as how mine was when I was at the bunker.

He was out of control, every decision he had made was started to affect other people's lives including his sister’s. After not seeing Octavia for six years, I didn't know why he chose to let go of her again.

‘We are not discussing about Octavia.’ Bellamy rolled his eyes, ‘My sister, my responsibility. My rules.’

As he turned to walk away from me, I pulled his hand intensely. Bellamy lost his balance as he faced back at me, ‘You’re going to bring her back here. Now.’

‘Reyes whatever you’re trying to do, you need to stop.’ Bellamy’s eyes seemed lost, confused, sad yet angry. I’ve never seen him like this before, even on his worst days I was with him before Priamfaya. It was as if I didn’t know him anymore. ‘You can go chase after her, I don’t care.’

‘You know she won’t listen to me. She needs you to go for her.’

‘She needed to leave, now let me go.’ He shook his arm, trying to get away from my grip but I didn’t let him. Instead, I held his arm tighter.

We stared at each other, Bellamy studying my facial expression and wondering why I was so against all of this. I was angry at his betrayal towards his sister, the way he’d been handling everything so far. I hated what he turned into; or perhaps this was the real Bellamy he kept hidden this whole time.

I didn’t know what came over me, I was upset, infuriated about everything about him that I pushed Bellamy to the ground. He fell hard, not expecting me to act the way I did. He immediately reacted, getting on top of me as he finally gained control.

‘Why are you doing this?’ Bellamy questioned as he sat on top of me. ‘Why are you so angry about something that’s not about you?’

‘It is about me, Bellamy!’ I yelled, squeezing through a space I found between his legs and my body and crawled out of his grip. As I got up, I kicked him to the ground causing him to fall on his back again. ‘She’s my friend, someone that was there for me when I was at my worse. And then you... you-’

Bellamy got up, breathing heavily as he grabbed onto my wrist. ‘I’m what?’

‘You just continue to hurt people, keep hurting me.’ It was humiliating that I was crying over the same damn thing that we’ve continuously discussing since we reunited.

It was just a cycle of telling him how I felt, how to fix a situation and he wouldn’t listen. Everything was getting worse, considering that we had bigger issues in the picture starting with these random people we knew nothing of. Instead, Bellamy wanted to get rid of his sister and a pregnant woman into the woods.

'But here you are, trying to pick a fight with me. Verbally and now physically. What does that make you?'

'I'm trying to help you understand what I'm feeling.' Talking to him didn't work, it never had and it never will. Now I had to face him, literally face him and show him how tough it had been. 

Bellamy pulled me in closer, gripping me tighter to make sure I won't escape this time. 'You've been clear about it, I just don't agree with you. Not anymore.'

'Of course you don't. So then you decide to treat me like crap and walk all over me when I'm trying to talk to you, despite what you've done at The Ring with Echo.'

‘And Murphy just treats you so right, is that it?’

Biting my lip, I tried to stop my tears from falling. Why was he treating me the way he was, pulling me in and trying to get me back and then pushing me away, making me feel bad about everything?

‘He does. And unlike you, he never made me cry.’

Bellamy's nose flared, hurt by the words that came out of my mouth but trying not to show it. It was obvious though, I've known him long enough to read him easily.

While his grip loosened, I pulled my arm away. Before we were able to exchanged our last words, I looked at Bellamy and walked away back to the others.

It was hard to understand him now, he would say one thing and do the exact opposite. I wish I knew what made him this way, perhaps something had happened while he was at The Ring.

✤  ·  ✤  ·  ✤  ·  ✤  ·  ✤

‘We don’t know what’s going to happen to Kane.’ Raven sighed as we sat next to him.  'Abby and Jackson did everything they could, it's just a matter of when he's going to wake up.'

It felt uneasy watching Kane laying there, he almost seemed lifeless. 'He needs to wake up, I need him to.'

After Octavia leaving us, after John practically dying during the Red Sun and being in a terrible condition after those people managed to fix him, it felt like people were slowly slipping away from my hands.

Hearing Kane's side of the story about the Dark Year made me feel better, realizing that he was in pain just as I was. At the end of the day, even with all the shit that we both have been through, he was my father. And I needed him back.

'He'll wake up, Kane's strong just as you are.' Raven rubbed my arm, 'How are you holding up though? I saw Bellamy kicked Octavia out. What's going on with him?'

'I wish I knew. He's been acting weird lately.'

Raven chuckled. 'Probably jealous of you and Murphy. They wouldn't stop fighting at The Ring, Bellamy locked himself in his room at one point. I don't know, this might be hitting him hard.'

'But he started it. I was ready to be with him again, or at least start slow like we said.' Everything changed when I found out about Echo, realizing that he was bickering about my mistakes when he was hiding his own issues.

It was more than betrayal I felt when he turned his back on me. It wasn't even the kiss that I was angry about; it was him acting as if he did no wrong, that I was the problem that our relationship had fallen. He made me think that because of my mistakes, I've lost his trust. When in reality, we've both failed in our part of keeping our promise. But he made sure to only blame me.

'He was a mess up there, Y/N. I've never seen him so absent, so empty.' Raven added, 'Bellamy really lost it when he heard you barely made it to the bunker.'

'Why are you defending him?'

'I'm not. It's just- he went through a lot too is what I'm trying to say. You had your shit down at the bunker, Bellamy had his up at the Ring.'

I sighed, getting confused all over again. I couldn't lie, it was easier to hate Bellamy instead of dealing with the feeling and the confusion that I had. I wish that we had talked everything out, about the time we were apart from each other. 

'Why are you telling me this now?'

'Honestly, I thought he snapped out of it when we got back to Earth when he had hope to see you again. Then after seeing him before we went to cryo and he seemed fine. But now, he's spiraling again. Just like he was at The Ring.'

As I looked over at Kane laying on his bed, I took a deep breath and buried my head into my arms as I leaned in. This was all too much; Bellamy, John, Marcus being in this state and then dealing with these new people.

All I wanted was to live normal again, live peacefully amongst ourselves. I had hoped that when we got off Earth we can start over again just as how Monty said when he said his last goodbye.

Of course, that wasn't the case. Not at all.

[talpup]

Summary: Yami Sukehiro just wanted to join the Magic Knights and make his mentor proud.  He knew there would be trails.  He knew trouble would come his way.  Knew he would be faced with discrimination for being a foreigner and a peasant.  What he didn’t know.  Didn’t expect.  Was that literal Chaos would come his way.  That he and his mentor’s sister would be at the center of world ending trouble.  Or that he would fall in love with his mentor’s sister and face more than discrimination; but the jealously of Nozel Silva who loved the same woman he did.

Sorry for the delay.  It’s the husbands last vacay week of the year and we’ve been out enjoying.  Anyway, here’s this weeks belated update.  Hope you all enjoy!

Please remember this fic is rated mature and has warnings of violence, abuse, sexual tension, eventual sexual behavior, and other possible triggers.  For a full list of story tags please check the fics AO3 (link to that at the top of my tumblrs homepage).

Chapter 71

It was afternoon.  Two days had passed since the end of the war.  While Jax and Bronn were busy filing reports, going to meetings and the like, the other Black Bulls and their fellow Magic Knights were busy restoring peace to the Clover Kingdom.  Though the Nine Day War, as it was being called, had been brief the gangs and thieves of the kingdom had run amok, the Sentries proving of little use at keeping them in check.

Yami and Teris returned from their latest mission to an empty base.

“What do you want to do first?”  Yami asked, eyes on her backside, enjoying the natural sway of her hips as she walked ahead of him.

“Bathe.” Teris said, dully.  She wiped at her grimy neck, unaware at the jolt of excitement that rushed through Yami at the single worded response.

Teris was exhausted and in a sour mood.  It was getting closer to her birthday.  The reminder that she was working against the clock and had one less year to reach her goal staring her in the face.  On top of that there was the annual three day gathering between the Nova’s and Silva’s to dread.  With the recent peace and the kingdoms thugs embolden by the Magic Knights absence, maybe Lord Silva would have the understanding and decency to call the torturous event off.  Teris hoped so but doubted it.

Yami grabbed Teris’ hand and spun her around.  “Want me to wash your back?  Help you get all those hard to reach places?”  His fingers trailed down her spine, happy to see he at least got a smile out of her.

Teris smirked up at him.  “I think I’m good.”

“You sure?”  Yami lifted a teasing brow.  He lowered to kiss her, the hand resting on her hip slid slowly around to her ass.

Teris stiffened.  “Yami.  Don’t.”

Yami straightened.  The hand on her butt falling away, the one on her back hovering.  “Sorry.  I didn’t mean--”

Teris shook her head frantically, hating her needless fear.  “It’s not you.  It’s me.  I’m stupid.  I just--”

Yami gripped her shoulders firmly.  “Hey.  You’re not stupid.  I never want to hear you say those words about yourself again.  Hear me.”

Teris swallowed unable to look at him.

“You hear me.”  Yami pressed.

She nodded.

He pulled her into an embrace, kissing the top of the head.  “I’m the stupid one for pushing when you need more time.”

Teris shook her head, hands clutching at his chest.  “No.  You’re not stupid.”

Yami kissed her head again, leaving his lips pressed against her.  If he knew of a way to bring the dead back to life he would just so he could personally kill the bastard who had attacked her.  His eyes squeezed shut.  Much as he hated that Teris had had cause to use it, Yami was so thankful that she had the hidden blade on her.  When Fuegoleon had told him what had happened, Teris unable to, Yami instantly knew what she had used.  Despite Fuegoleon saying that Nozel had broken the man’s neck, Yami was certain it was the multiple stab wounds to the mans groin that had done the bastard in. Even so, he was grateful for Nozel and Fuegoleon claiming the other and sparing Teris that knowledge.

“I’m sorry.”  Teris muttered into his chest.

Yami shook his head, hands fisted in useless anger.  “Don’t apologize. Don’t you ever apologize to me.”

“Ever?” She asked, a bit of humor in her voice.

Yami huffed at that.

“I hate this.”  She said, arms sliding under his and up around to grip his shoulders.  It wasn’t that Teris didn’t want Yami.  She hungered for his touch.  His attention.  His kisses.  But, once those touches or kisses began there was this part of her that went back to that cell no matter how hard she fought against it.  No matter how safe she knew she was in Yami’s presence.

“We’ll get there.  Together.  We just got to be slow.”  Yami forced a smile into her head.  “We agreed that things needed to slow down anyway.”

Teris pulled her head away from his chest and looked up at him.  “Are you really okay with this?”

“Okay with taking our time till you feel confidant and comfortable? Absolutely.  In fact I demand it.  No pushing yourself cause you think I’m impatient or it’ll please me.  Got it?”

Teris saluted, smirking at that.  “Yes, sir.”

Yami stared down at her, tan eyes meeting her coal ones.  “I’m serious.”

Teris’ smile fell.  “I know.”

“Promise me.  Promise me you would push, pressure, or beat yourself up over however long it takes you.”

“I promise.”

Yami pulled her close.  “That’s my girl.”

Teris closed her eyes soaking him in.  The coolness that radiated off of him feeling like a north breeze during the a sweltering mid-summers day.  His strength, not just physical but emotional, assuring her that he could help her handle anything she was dealing with.  His smell, of earth and wood and sweat a strange intoxicating mix.

“I love you.”  Teris whispered.

Yami hummed.  “I know.  I’m pretty amazing.”

“Shut up.”  Teris laughed, pulling away and smacking playfully at him.

Yami gripped her wrist and pulled her back to him.  Arms around her waist, he stared into her fathomless dark eyes.  “I’m going to change your family name one day Teris Nova.”

Teris looked up at him.  Her gaze searching his.  He looked so firm and serious yet so gentle and loving.  “Kiss me.”

Yami wanted to grip her tight and kiss her hard but knew she wouldn’t be able to manage that right now.  He had just told her they would work on this together.  That they, that he, had to be slow.  That they, that he, had to take their time.  He smiled down at her lowering his head as she lifted hers.  It was likely the sweetest, most gentle kiss they had ever shared and it was glorious.

Yami pulled away leaving her wanting more, smirking at the look of disappointment in her sweet face.  That’ll help you forget and focused on better things and keep you coming back, he thought to her. Thing was could he withstand it long enough till she fully returned to herself?  He had to.  Teris was worth it, and deserved his support and patience.  He’d surpass his limits of desire for her and hold out for as long as it took.

Stepping back, he turned away.  “Go take your bath.  I’ll make us some dinner.”

71.2

Jax and Julius stepped through the portal and into the Black Bulls base.

Closing the gateway, Bronn gave the two Captain's a wave.  “I’m off to bed.  Wait...”  The Vice Captain pulled up short.  He sniffed.  “Is that food?”

Jax watched Bronn tear off toward the dining hall.  He smirked back at Julius.  “That energized him.  Want to see what’s available before we continue our discussion?”

Julius’ stomach rumbled.

Jax chuckled.  “I’ll take that as a yes.”

The two Captain's entered the dining hall to find Yami and Teris sitting across from each other, Bronn already served and in his usual spot.

“Hope you all made enough to share.”  Jax said.

“I think Yami made everything there was in the kitchens.”  Teris answered.

“Was hungry.”  Yami told, as if that explained the amount of food he’d made.

Not wanting to have to get up for seconds, Jax served a heaping plate. He was dead tired.  He may not have been out in the field like his squad; but he was certain he was getting far less sleep and nourishment.  He had once fallen asleep on his feet while the Captain's waited to enter the Wizard Kings office for yet another quick debrief.

“You two slide on down here.”  Jax told Yami and Teris.  He took his usual seat at the head, Julius taking the seat to his left across from Bronn.

Teris made a face.

Bronn looked over at her, chewing open mouthed.  “What’s the matter, Black Sheep?  I don’t bite.  Much.”

Remembering Nozel’s squad report the day peace had been made and what Teris had been through when the team of five had been captured, Jax quietly commended his Vice Captain.  “Leave the girl alone.”

Jax knew it wasn’t Nozel’s fault.  Still, a part of him couldn’t help but think if the Silver Eagle hadn’t picked Teris for his team she never would have been there and never would have had the scare. He was just grateful that that’s all it had been.  A scare.

As difficult as it had been, Jax had made sure Yami knew what had happened.  Given what Yami and Teris had been getting up to before the war, Jax didn’t want Yami going in blind and possibly making things worse.  But Teris had already tried and failed to tell Yami, and sought her cousin out to tell Yami in her stead.  That couldn’t have been easy, and Jax was proud of Teris for her bravery and maturity in realizing Yami had to be told; seeing that it was done, even if she couldn’t manage telling him herself.

Jax hadn’t told Bronn the details of all that since it wasn’t required.  But the two knew each other too well and Bronn had called him on not fully disclosing everything.  Rather than say he was the Captain and didn’t have to disclose everything, Jax had inquired about Yami’s heightened animosity toward Bronn.  Bronn had quit bugging Jax then.  The two men letting the secrets of their knowledge stay hidden from each other.

Teris sat a foot or so away from Bronn, her displeasure at being so near him clear.

“You two already file a mission report?”  Jax asked.

“On your desk.  There was a new mission order there but thought some food and rest were required before heading back out.”  Yami said, tucking in next to Julius.

Teris across the table at Yami.  This was the first she had heard of a new mission order.  If she‘d known she would’ve insisted on going back out immediately.  Which was probably why Yami hadn’t said anything she thought, eyes narrowing.

Jax nodded.  “Good.  You guys need a nights rest.  Bronn will take it.”

Bronn’s head shot up.  “What!”

Yami gave the Vice Captain an overly wide smile.  “Thanks, Bronn!”

Bronn threw a sauteed carrot at Yami.  Glaring at Jax, he cursed under his breath.

“Things finally settling down at Headquarters?”  Yami asked the Captain's.

“For the most part.  Sir Jorah wasn’t overly pleased that Commander Greywright allowed that conversation between you and King Morris.” Julius said, looking at Teris.

“I think the poor Commander got quite the earful about it.”  Jax put in.

Teris looked between the two.  “Why?  It’s not like Morris King was going to be denied.  He stated as much when he said he would restart the war if he didn’t get his way.  Wasn’t as if he asked anything scary or personal.”  Despite his final words, she thought.

“I think the problem was peace between the kingdoms rested on the shoulders of an ill tempered girl being able to hold a polite, respectful conversation.”  Bronn said, reaching over fork pricking a large piece of meat on Teris’ plate.

Teris stabbed the uncut steak with a knife.  Her and Bronn’s eyes met. Bronn brought his empty fork back to his plate.

Julius looked across the table at his sister.  “Speaking of respectful. Nozel might have covered for you.  But I know you gave him no end of trouble.”

“I did not!”  Teris stressed.

Julius eyed her skeptically.

“How did this turn into a lecture?”  Teris demanded.

Having mercy, Jax stepped in.  “Actually, I think Teris treated the acting Captain with the upmost respect, after a short but expected adjustment period.”

“Thank you.”  Teris told her Captain remembering the conversation they had that had ensured a somewhat instantaneous adjustment after what had happened on the cliff.

Julius caught Jax give her a wink and wondered what he was missing.

They ate in silence for a bit Teris breaking it to ask her brother.  “Have you heard from Fyntch?”

Julius shook his head.  He swallow and wiped his mouth.  Knowing what she was actually asking about, he said.  “No.  I assume things will go as usual.  The good news is the Silva’s are currently residing at Silva Castle in Castle City and show every sign of staying there up until, if not passed the annual gathering.”

Teris questioned, tersely.  “How is staying at the Royal Castle any better?  If anything it’s worse.”

Julius watched her get up.  “There’s plenty to go out and do in Castle City.”

“You’re an idiot.”  Teris told her brother, walking out of the dining room.

Bronn chewed around his food.  “Yeah.  There’s no way a conversation with her could have offended Morris.  Surprised we’re not back at war.  Sit!”  He barked at Yami, seeing him rise to follow Teris.  “Now.”  He growled when Yami didn’t move to comply.

“I got this.”  Julius sighed.

“No. You’ve done enough.”  Jax said.  He threw his napkin on the table and sighed.  “I’m the one with some actual good news.  So I’ve got this.”

Julius could hear Jax mutter something about fools, certain his friend was referring to him.

Sitting back down, Yami asked.  “What good news?”

Chewing, Bronn smiled.  “Your girl’s gonna out rank you.”

Unlike Bronn’s snide smirk, Yami smiled in true.  “Good for her.”

Bronn frowned at Yami’s pleased response.  He sniffed and stabbed a fork through the steak he had tried to swipe off Teris’ plate.

Julius arched an eyebrow.

“What? She’s not coming back to eat it.  You saw to that being a typical older brother.” Tearing open a heel of bread, Bronn stuffed the slice of meat between the two pieces and got to his feet.  “Best get going.  Seems I got a mission.”  He shot Yami a glare.  “Good for nothing, lazy bastards.”

Julius waited for Bronn’s footsteps to fade.  He glanced back at the dining halls entrance and listened, making sure Teris wasn’t on her way back.  Satisfied, his eyes slid to Yami.  “Were you planning on telling me that one of your old friends was sent to kill you?”

Yami wasn’t all that surprised that Julius had been made aware. Although he did wonder if Bronn had told Julius, or the Vice Captain had snitched to Jax and Jax had told Julius.  Shrugging a shoulder, Yami said.  “Doubt Silva knew he was an old buddy of mine when he hired him.”

“You need to take this more seriously.”  Julius scolded.

“I am taking it seriously.”

“This is the second time something like this has been tried that we’re aware of.”  Julius said.

Looking at his mentor, Yami asked.  “What am I suppose to do about it? Apologize to Silva that his son’s a cold, emotionless loser Teris doesn’t want to marry?”

“Nozel’s not a loser and he’s far from emotionless.”  Julius said.

“I know.  That just came out.”  Yami grumbled.

“And that’s part of the problem.”

“What? Being wrong?”  Yami asked.

“You saying things with little to no thought.”  Julius said.

Yami huffed.  “Pretty sure the Royal Bird and his old man would want me dead whether they ever heard my voice again or not.  Teris was right. You are looking to lecture.”

Julius ran a hand over his face and sighed.  “I’m tired is all.”

“Then get some sleep.  Knowing how you work, you probably need it more than anyone.”

Julius shook his head.  “I can’t.  I got to talk something over with Jax and get back to Headquarters.  Then there’s the stack of reports that were on my desk this morning that has likely only grown.”

“You’re gonna run yourself sick like the Advisor did a few months back.” Yami said.  He sensed a sudden alarm and tension in Julius’ Ki.

Yami’s eyes narrowed.  He had noticed something similar when Advisor Ellara had been mention on a previous occasion.  But back then the sense had disappear so quickly that Yami figured he had read the Captain's Ki wrong or was mistaken as to why it had reacted.  Now he was positive that there was something Julius didn’t like or trust about the woman.  Yami didn’t know her and could really care less about her. The only feelings he had toward her was the same watchful, mild distaste he had for anyone capable of ordering him around.

Careful not to show Julius he had noticed the unease, Yami suggested.  “At least take an hours nap.”

Julius smiled at Yami’s care.  “May be after I return to base.”

“Mind if I ask what you and Jax are gonna talk about?”

“Not at all.  I won’t answer.  But ask away.”

Taking the offer as one to ask anything, Yami questioned.  “When can I take Teris on that excursion I planned for my birthday?”

Exhaustion making his temper short, Julius glowered.  “You just don’t quit do you?  Your life was threatened.  Again!”

“I just got off the battlefield of a war.  We never know what dangers we’ll face when out on mission.”  Yami almost brought up the Agents of Chaos; but thought better of it sure that would only dissuade Julius.  “Silva sending this latest gang.  There was no threat there.  Cin wouldn’t kill me.  Even if he tried, he wouldn’t stand a chance.  I fought him and Damon together and won.”

“That was a long time ago.  Who knows how much he’s learned and grown in skill since then.”  Julius said.

“Like I haven’t learned and grown?”

“There were a lot more than just this Cin and Damon from my understanding.”

Yami couldn’t deny that the number of Cin’s gang would have proved a bit of a challenge, not that he was going to admit that.  “Who all knows?”

“That you were taken by a dimensional spell?  Quite a few.  That it was a gang hired to kill you that was luckily  led by an old friend of yours?  Even less.  That the gang was hired by Nathyn Silva? Commander Greywright, Jax, Bronn, and I.”  Julius sighed.  “The Commander didn’t think it necessary to inform Sir Jorah of that bit.  I have to say I agree.  There’s nothing the Wizard King could do about it anyway.  The Silva’s are--”

“Untouchable. Yeah, I remember.  You already said that.”

“Which is why you have to be careful.  No more riling up or making fun of Nozel so openly.”

“He has nothing to do with these attempts.  Ball of Pride is too principled.”  Yami said with certainty.  Not to mention he wants to personally oversee my death, he thought.

Figuring even Yami knew better than to use such a nickname in public, Julius ignored it and said.  “I agree.  But that doesn’t mean word won’t get back to Lord Silva from someone else.  Nozel is a royal, and a Prince at that.  His family is second in line to the throne.  In disrespecting him you disrespect his family and those that who serve the Silva’s.  Which is to say everyone but the King himself.”

“People take things too seriously.”  Yami complained.  “In any case, it doesn’t matter what I say or do.  Nathyn Silva wants me out of the way.  He’ll try again.”

“Maybe. Maybe not.  A man like that has even more on his plate than I do. If you manage not to garner his attention again I truly believe he’ll forget about you.”

“But--”

Julius cut off Yami’s argument.  “Like the rest of them, Lord Silva fully believes Teris will bend when the time comes.  They can’t help but think it.  Their power, position, and money mean more to them than anything else.  Even their own happiness.  The thought that someone within their ranks would give up those things is so foreign to them that they’ll never believe it until it’s done.”  He looked at Yami.  “You believe she’ll do what she says.  Right?”

“No.” Yami grinned at Julius’ expression.  “I don’t believe Teris will do what she says.  I know without a doubt that she will.”

Thank you to those who have left hearts.  And a special THANK YOU to those who have recently left comments or re-blogged. They really mean a lot.

Next chapter snippet:

Nathyn fully focused on his son and reminded.  “You are royalty first. This is more than just celebrating your Intended’s birthday.  Not that you shouldn’t insist we continue with that.  But there are Peace Parties to attend.  The people are happy this war was short and is over.  They wish to celebrate you for securing that peace.  The King wishes to honor you.”  He looked proudly at his heir.  “You did good, and should take these next few days to relax and enjoy the fruits of your success.”  His face sharpened.  “I insist.”

[snappedsky]

Fanatics 71

The kids return to Skool, and it's an eventful first day back. Previous! Next!

--

New Year, Same Sh!t

           “I cannot believe you all went to Irk without me!”

           Zim, Dib, Gaz, Pepito, and Squee glare exhaustedly at Kat- Tak’s human disguise- as she blocks the entrance to the Skool. She glares right back, much more angrily.

           “Give us a break, Tak,” Zim snaps as he shoves past her. “We’ve barely been home for a week and now we gotta go back to Skool.”            “You didn’t even tell me you were leaving!” she barks as she follows them through the busy halls. “I only found out because of Maddie. I thought we were, you know, friends.”

           “You’re right,” Squee says, “we are friends. And we should’ve at least said goodbye. We’re sorry.”

           Kat’s glare withers ever so slightly and she huffs. “Fine. So, what’s got you all so tense?”

           “A week ago we found out the Irken Empire sent assassins after us,” Dib replies, “we had no idea. If it wasn’t for Squee’s Night Terrors, they probably would’ve wiped us all out.”            “Are they Irken Bounty Hunters?” Kat asks.

           “I don’t think so,” Zim replies, “according to the Night Terrors, they were too easy to kill. Probably just academy-trained assassins.”

           “Kio’s looking into it,” Squee explains, “but we’re not sure how to handle this. Obviously we can’t just let assassins try to kill us, which is why the Night Terrors are keeping watch. But soon the Tallest will figure out the assassins failed and send stronger opponents.”

           “Well, you should’ve expected this,” Kat points out, “starting a war with the Irken Empire.”            “We saved them first,” Gaz argues, “it’s not our fault they’re sore losers.”            “And now we have to go to Skool like nothing happened,” Pepito groans.

           “Keep your heads up, team,” Zim orders, “we’re back to our normal life and we will not let the Armada ruin it.”            The others reply with uncertainty.

           “I’ll see you guys at lunch,” Gaz grunts before splitting off. The others go upstairs to their lockers.

           After everyone’s gathered their stuff, they head to homeroom at the sound of the bell. Zim and the others cluster together in desks near the window, along with Maddie. The other students quickly pick their desks as their teacher, Miss Sweeties, stands at the front of the room.

           “Welcome back to Skool, everyone,” she chimes, “and a very special welcome back to Zim, Dib, Pepito, and Squee, who, due to ‘family issues’, were unable to attend Skool last year.”

         “You guys completely skipped 11th grade,” Zita points out, “how did you not get held back?”            “Um my guardian has a…‘rapport’ with the principle,” Squee replies while Zim, Dib, and Pepito chuckle knowingly.          

            After morning announcements are played over the intercom, the students leave for their classes. Maddie and Tak wave to the boys as they split off.

           “It’s too bad we got stuck in the lower tier classes,” Dib comments, “it’ll be a smear on my record.”            “Yeah, but at least we’re all in the same classes this year,” Pepito points out.

          They arrive at their classroom and quickly pick their desks, again together near the windows. Standing behind the teacher’s desk is a younger man, pale and blond with fidgeting hands. He waits until everyone’s seated before speaking.

           “G-good morning, students,” he says in a cracking voice. “I-I am your teacher, Mr. Tense. I will be teaching you maths and sciences.”            “Who is this guy?” Pepito whispers.

           “Don’t know. I’ve never had him,” Dib replies.

           “B-because we’ll be spending a-a lot of time together, I’d like to start off by going around the room and h-hearing something about everyone,” Mr. Tense declares.

           “Oh, god,” Squee groans, rubbing his forehead.

           “We’ll start on this side of the room,” he says, pointing at Zim. “Please stand up and state your name and-and a fact about yourself.”

           Zim stands up dutifully. “I am Zim and I will rule you all! But don’t worry, I’ll be a benevolent leader.”

           “Uh o-okay, thank you, Zim,” Mr. Tense says as Zim sits back down and Pepito stands up.

           “I’m Pepito, and I’m gonna be a rock star,” he says.

           “Oh, a musician!” Mr. Tense smiles, “how nice.”

           Pepito smiles as he sits down and the student behind him goes next, a cheerleader who goes on for a few minutes about how she loves manicures. As they continue down the row, Squee digs his hand into his forehead, dreading his turn.

           Finally it’s the next row’s turn, and Dib starts off. “I’m Dib, the world’s greatest paranormal investigator.”

           “And crazy person,” one of the students whispers loudly and the others giggle. But Dib ignores them as he sits back down, smiling proudly.

           Squee stifles a heavy sigh as he stands up, squeezing Shmee inside his bag. “Uh I-I’m Squee a-and-.”

           “What kind of a name is that?” another student sneers.

           Squee takes a deep breath before continuing. “And I like to write.”

           As he sits back down, Pepito shoots him a thumbs-up and he smiles gratefully.

           The introductions continue throughout the classroom. A couple of students Zim and the others already know, like Willy, Poonchy, Carl, or Jessica; but many they’ve never met before. Not that anyone pays close attention to the introductions anyway.

            Once everyone’s finished, Mr. Tense clears his throat. “I-it is wonderful to meet you all. I hope this will be a prosperous last year of High Skool for you all. Now then, let’s just dive right into math. Open you textbooks, please.”

           The next hour is spent learning math. Mr. Tense is very non-inclusive and only reads the lesson directly from the textbook very stiltedly, or writes on the board. Which means the students are free to pay no attention.

           Zim scrolls through his phone- which now, thanks to Kio, is connected to galactic wide news- and tries to find news on assassins coming to Earth. Dib is busy reading one of his new books on the supernatural; he missed out on a lot being in space. Determined to make original songs this year, Pepito is trying to write song lyrics. And Squee just stares through the window, somewhat absentmindedly, but his eyes still scan for the slightest threat.

           Everyone is quite surprised when a hole is smashed through the ceiling and Mr. Fuck, with smeared make-up, torn clothes, and gashes and cuts, slams into the floor at the front of the classroom.

           Screaming, the students all leap out of the desks while Mr. Tense nearly jumps out of his skin.

           “Eff!” Squee exclaims.

           Eff coughs as he sits up, dry wall dust and debris still falling around him. He glances at Squee and smiles and waves.

           “Oh, hey, Little Boss. Don’t worry, the situation is completely under contro-.” He stops as he reaches for his hat and realizes it’s not there. “That asshole has my hat!”            With that, he jumps up and disappears back through the hole onto the roof.

           “O-okay,” Mr. Tense stammers, “do-don’t worry, kids. J-just exit into the hallway in an orderly fashion.”            Nobody listens to him as the students race out of the classroom, except for Zim, Dib, Pepito, and Squee who look up through the hole.

           “K-kids, we all need to leave,” Mr. Tense says to them and waves towards the door, but they ignore them.

           They can hear shouting: the Night Terrors cursing and voices speaking in Irken. They spot an Irken fly past the hole and Reverend Meat leap after them.

           “Assassins?” Pepito questions.

           “No,” Zim growls, immediately recognizing the unique armor the Irken was wearing. “Irken Bounty Hunters.”            “They’re gonna need help,” he declares, “Irken Bounty Hunters are specially trained killers and they always travel in groups. Do you all have your weapons?”

           “Yes,” Squee nods as he draws his knives from his bag, along with Shmee.

           “Me too,” Dib replies, rolling down the sleeve of his coat to reveal his bracelet.

           “Got my weapons right here,” Pepito says as he clenches his fists and they start glowing black.

           “Good,” Zim grunts as he extends his spider legs and grabs his laser guns.

           “You guys go on ahead,” Dib says, “I’m gonna check on Gaz. We’ll catch up.”            “Alright,” Zim nods as two of his spider legs reach up for the hole while Squee and Pepito grab the other two.

           “Uhm,” Mr. Tense croaks, speechless as they disappear through the hole and Dib races past him into the hall.

           The rooftop is a warzone. The Night Terrors are covered in injures and torn clothes but continue to hold their own against the seemingly five unstoppable Irkens. Their heavy armor has been cracked and damaged and their laser rifles are scattered in pieces. But they still have their PAKs and with their sharp spider leg appendages swinging around, the Night Terrors can’t get close.

           “Pick a target,” Zim orders.

           “I’ll help Eff,” Squee declares as he races off to help the Doughboy wrestling to keep a spider leg from impaling him.

           “I’ll get Sickness,” Pepito says and hurries to her as she dodges an Irken’s striking attacks.

           Zim spots Reverend Meat, struggling to hold off two Irkens. He grins and leaps forward on his spider legs, flying right for one of them. “Mine!”

           Back in the Skool, none of the other classes are aware of the danger yet. Ms. Bitters is still busy teaching Gaz’s class history. She barely pays attention, doodling in the margins of her notebook.

           The classroom slams open, startling everyone, and Dib races in. “Gaz!”            “Dib?” she questions.

           “Oh, fer-,” Ms. Bitters scoffs, “I thought not having you as a student meant I wouldn’t have to deal with your interruptions.”            Dib ignores her as he hurries to Gaz’s desk. “You okay?”

           “Yeah,” she replies incredulously. “What’s going on-?”            Before he can answer, Psycho Doughboy slams into the window outside, crying out as he falls to the ground.

           All the students scream with surprise as they leap out of their desks, except for Dib and Gaz who just stare outside.

           “You got your hammer?” Dib asks.

           “No, but I have a bat in my locker,” Gaz replies.

           “Get it,” he orders, “and meet us outside.”

           Without another word, Gaz races off while Dib opens the window and climbs out. He lands beside D-boy just as he’s starting to sit up, rubbing his face, and they both look up.

           An Irken leaps off the roof and plummets towards them, spider legs pointed down. Dib activates his bracelet, transforming it to his power glove, and readies a blast.

           Meanwhile, as Gaz races to her locker, an announcement plays over the intercom.

           “Attention, the Skool is under a state of emergency. Please evacuate to the street in a calm and orderly fashion.”            In the other grade 12 classroom, Kat perks up while her classmates chatter curiously amongst themselves.

           “Wonder what’s going on,” Maddie mutters as the teacher starts ushering everyone out. Kat ignores them and looks outside, activating her cybernetic eye. Immediately seeing the presence of five unknown Irkens, she growls.

           The tide of battle really turns thanks to the Battalion. The Irken Bounty Hunters are now outnumbered, having to split their attention between one of the Night Terrors and one of the kids. But they still hold their own despite the odds, really showing their Irken strength and ingenuity.

           Squee, Eff, and Shmee surround an Irken, his spider legs raised defensively. Squee goes in first with his rocket wheelies. As soon as he’s disappeared from sight, Eff and Shmee charge in.

           The Irken blocks them with his spider legs while a buzz saw like weapon pops out of his PAK, protecting his head as he correctly predicts that Squee would strike from behind. He stops just before he can connect with the spinning blade but rebounds quickly, ducking down and knocking his leg into the Irken’s ankle, tripping him.

           The Irken reacts quickly, blocking his head from hitting the roof and thrusting a spider leg at Squee. He dodges with ease by zipping around to his other end and charging in, knives up. Scowling, the Irken jabs all four of his spider legs towards him. Squee waits until the very last second before speeding backwards out of harm’s way, while Eff appears by the Irken’s head and swinging knives of his own.

           Gasping, the Irken barely catches Eff’s hands with his own, keeping the blades inches from his face. Eff smirks and the Irken realizes he’s been duped as Shmee leaps off Eff’s head and pile drives the Irken’s stomach, smashing him through the roof.

           Squee and Eff peek through the hole just as Shmee jumps back out, tossing the unconscious alien at Squee’s feet. They all smile victoriously at each other.

         Meanwhile, another Irken is struggling to survive against Sickness and Pepito. She can’t match Sickness’s speed, so she keeps her spider legs close, not allowing her to strike. But she doesn’t even have time to focus on Sickness as she tries to dodge Pepito’s blasts.

           He fires relentlessly, barely giving her time to think and move. Because of her agility, each one only grazes her, but one slip up and he’ll reduce her to dust.

           She growls, getting sick of this, and withdraws her spider legs. But before her opponents can react, a small of pair of rocket thrusters extend from the bottom of her PAK and she blasts into the sky. Once she’s a few feet high, two of her spider legs extend again and she points them down, preparing to fire lasers.

           Pepito smirks and his wings expand from his back, bursting through his shirt. Before the bounty hunter can fire her lasers, he flies up to her, hands glowing black. She ceases her laser power-up and instead uses her spider legs to block him. Locked in a parry, they glare at each other.

           Sickness watches them for a second before crouching, tensing her leg muscles, and jumping into the air, cracking the ground beneath her. She flies up behind the Irken, who is unable to react, held in place by Pepito. Sickness lifts her leg and slams it onto the Irken’s head, sending her plummeting back down and through the roof of the Skool.

           Pepito and Sickness land on either side of the hole and look in. The Irken is blacked out unceremoniously on top of some desks. Smirking, Pepito shoots Sickness a thumbs-up, and she good-naturedly rolls her eyes.

           On the ground, Dib and D-boy are having trouble getting a hit in against their opponent. The bounty hunter keeps them at bay with his spider legs while also dodging the blasts from Dib’s power glove.

           The Irken lunges his spider legs at them, two for each. D-boy blocks his two with his giant mallet while Dib catches one with his glove and barely dodges the other; he winces as it slices a bit through his side.

           The Irken tries to retract his appendages but Dib keeps good grip on one as he charges a blast. He destroys the spider leg and the bounty hunter stumbles back in pain. Scowling angrily, he lunges his last three right for Dib, who lifts his arms in a feeble attempt to block.

           D-boy flips in and smashes the legs out of the way with his mallet. The Irken goes in for another attack when his antennae twitch and he looks back just in time to see Gaz swinging her bat. He leaps out of the way and she smashes the ground where he was standing.

           Snarling, the Irken lunges his spider legs at her. Again, D-boy flips in and helps Gaz block them. Before the bounty hunter can retract them, his antennae twitch again and he looks over to see Dib charging up a blast.

           The Irken tries to retreat but finds himself stuck in place. He looks in despair at D-boy as he smirks and holds tight to his spider legs.

           Dib fires his blast, reducing the Irken to dust and leaving behind nothing but his lifeless spider legs. D-boy lets them drop to the ground while Dib lowers his hand, sighing with relief.

           Back on the roof, Zim and Reverend Meat have their hands full with the last two Irken Bounty Hunters. They stand back to back, repelling their opponents’ attacks with barely any chance to throw their own.

           Zim’s spider legs repeatedly clash with the other Irken’s. Zim lifts his laser guns and fires at her. She leaps backwards, dodging the lasers and fires some of her own from her spider legs. Zim creates a force field with his, blocking them.

           Behind him, Reverend Meat can’t get close to his Irken opponent. He keeps his spider legs close and fires lasers to keep the monstrously strong meat reverend at bay. Reverend Meat is forced to stay on the defensive and dodge, lest he get filled with laser holes.

           He spots Zim with his force field and gets an idea. Keeping his eye on his opponent, he reaches around and grabs Zim’s head, picking him. Zim exclaims with shock as Reverend Meat holds him out, using him like a shield.

           “He-what are yo-release Zim immediately!” he snaps.

           “Just roll with it,” Reverend Meat orders, “and keep your shield up.”            Zim does so and blocks laser blasts from both Irkens. With his other hand, Reverend Meat smashes another hole into the roof and breaks off a large chunk, throwing it at the bounty hunters. The Irkens are taken aback but easily blow the chunk to pieces, only to find Reverend Meat and Zim have disappeared.

           They immediately look at the new hole in the roof and begin firing their lasers downwards. Then their antennae twitch just as Zim and Reverend Meat smash through the roof, jumping up right behind them.

           Reverend Meat grabs the Irkens’ PAKs, smirking as he crushes them to pieces with his large hands. They both shudder and collapse to the ground on their knees. Zim grins as they look back and lifts his laser guns to finish them off, but freezes when he spots one of Irken’s removing her glove. He immediately recognizes the device on her wrist and flinches back.

           “She’s gonna self-destruct!” he shouts.

           “What!” Reverend Meat exclaims.

           But before she can activate the device, a plasma beam fires from the side through her arm, completely destroying the bomb. Everyone looks to the left as two more beams are fired through the bounty hunters’ heads, and Tak approaches, lowering her cyborg arm.

           “I didn’t need your help y’know,” Zim grunts.

           “Yeah, yeah,” she sniffs.

           Everyone finishes their fights around the same time and look around to check on the others. As D-boy leaps back onto the roof with Dib and Gaz, they quickly realize they’ve won and smile victoriously.

           “Oh, hey, Tak,” Pepito says as they gather together. “Where’d you come from?”

           “I’m not gonna let you leave me out of the fun again,” she replies.

           “Hey, check it out,” Squee says, pointing to the main road. All of the students and teachers are gathered there as a couple police cars arrive. The kids settle on the edge of the building and watch as the police attempt to interview the rattled and excited students. Nobody’s noticed them on the roof yet.

           “Well, the Skool was evacuated and we caused a lot of property damage,” Dib summarizes, “and it’s not even lunch yet.”

           “Yup. Not bad for our first day back,” Pepito comments.

           “If this is an omen to how the rest of the year is gonna be, I might just drop out,” Squee grunts, resting his chin in his hand.

           “We will not be defeated,” Zim declares, “no matter how many assassins come after us, or whatever else, this year will not beat us.”

           The Night Terrors sigh comfortably as they sit in between the kids.

           “Besides, you got us,” Eff smirks, patting Squee’s head.

           “Yeah, aren’t you lucky,” Reverend Meat sighs and leans against a grumbling Zim.

           “And me,” Tak adds, “whether you like it or not.”

           “I hate to say it, but…we can use all the help we can get,” Dib says.

           “Uh oh,” Gaz grunts, “we better move. I think one of the cops spotted us.”            “Yup,” Pepito agrees as they retreat farther onto the roof. “Wanna just ditch for the rest of the day?”

           “Yeah, let’s go to my house,” Zim declares.

           With the help of the Night Terrors, the two groups jump off the Skool and disappear through the back field, never to be found by their classmates or teachers until they return for classes the next day.

[newagesispage]

                                                              JUNE       2018

 PAGE RIB

 ***** Childish Gambino has the song of the summer with the brilliant ‘This is America’.  I am so reminded of Jean Luc Goddard and also the Talking Heads when I watch the video and yet it is so on point today. . Donald Glover is the star of the year with the fab season of Atlanta. The coat of many colors with the FUBU shirt episode was a beautiful reminder of thy child, thy self. The turn as host and musical guest on SNL was a triumph, best show of the season. His role in Ron Howard’s movie, Solo will only make him burn brighter!!

***** Arrested Development came back for season 5. We have wonderful things in there from seasons past to make us smile and new catchphrases to carry on in the future. This is just the first half of the season and the binge went by fast. We will have to be content with great new Arrested memories like APB (ah, poor Buster), hour mouth, peanut pockets, trophy cobbler, break up cactus, will he won’t he  and Strum! I laugh just thinking about them. I was particularly fond of the Howard family get together, Rance Howard was a national treasure. I was thrilled to see Kyle Mooney in the mix.

***** Days alert: I saw it coming.. Mexico?? Of course, Teresa had to be back.. Hooray!! ..It is time for Sonny’s new lover to go…. It is also time for John and Paul to get Shane and go get Chloe.. well, they did not get Shane but they got her. That was fast!!… Is Abby pregnant by Stefan??**We’ll miss ya Joseph Campanella.

***** Goodbye to The Americans!! Oh how I will miss ya.

***** Benedict Cumberbatch and Jennifer Jason Leigh have given us Patrick Melrose.

***** Well, Roseanne tweeted her racist rhetoric and got her show booted off ABC. If it can bring down Roseanne, we still may see it take down the President. It will cost the network plenty ( like 60 mil not counting the rerun revenue). Reruns were yanked by CMT, Paramount and TV Land. She was also dropped by her talent agency ICM partners. She blamed Ambien but the company issued a statement explaining that racism is not a side effect of Ambien.  I feel bad for the rest of the cast and crew but bye bye Roseanne!

***** I am hearing good things about Robin, the Robin Williams doc from Dave Itzkoff.

***** Ric Ocasek has separated from Paulina Porizkova.

***** What is this NFL no kneeling bullshit? I get that it is a business and we all have to adhere to our employer’s rules but it is very sad. How is that silent peaceful protest hurting anyone? Who needs football anyway? C’mon, America, no more football!! Some believe free speech is only for them.

***** The latest accused of sexual misconduct: Morgan Freeman** Weinstein has been indicted!!!!!

***** New money got its chance to buy a piece of old money at the Rockefeller auction at Christie’s. The private collection broke records with a take of $832 million which will go to charity.

***** TV cancelled shows all over the place. The list includes Designated Survivor, Kevin Can Wait, Scorpion, 9JKL, Alex Inc., Deception, Taken, Rise, Great News, Me Myself and I, Quantico, The Mayor and The Exorcist. Last Man Standing will move to Fox, Project Runway will move to Bravo and Brooklyn 99 will move to NBC. There should be more of this moving.. C’mon somebody take Last man on Earth and Me , Myself and I. LA to Vegas is on the bubble, please keep that one going.

***** The podcast Cocaine and Rhinestones with Tyler Mahan Coe sounds interesting.

***** Sears has not made a profit since 2010. They are closing hundreds more stores this year.

***** Who do you think you are? Is back with Molly Shannon, Jean Smart, Jon Cryer, Hillary Duff, Megan Mullally and Laverne Cox.

***** Can’t wait to see the new doc  The gospel according to Andre’ about Andre’ Leon Talley.

***** Black Rhinos have returned to Chad. Fifty years ago poaching had wiped them out.

***** Lung cancer is a trend with more women than men being diagnosed. It has become more common than breast or ovarian cancer.

***** The interior department wants to end the ban on hunting black bears, wolves and coyotes and their young.

***** Before the 2016 election the FBI had a codename for their Russian interference investigation: Crossfire Hurricane. The Stones have a little touch on everything.

***** Oliver North is the new face of the NRA.

***** Word is that over a 30 year period, there have been 27 complaints against Charlie Rose.. Ugh!** The Kennedy Center Honors has rescinded the Honors award and the Mark Twain prize from Bill Cosby.

***** Iowa has made the strictest abortion laws. They want no abortions once the heartbeat can be detected. The American civil liberties union and Planned Parenthood have filed complaints.

***** Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are now the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. The press was telling us that 2 people fell in love and we all showed up. This actually did seem to bring people together. Harry and Meghan are 17th cousins.

***** Great to see Joel Mchale back to his green screen zaniness. It seems like old times on Netflix and with a little help from Jim Rash and Alison Brie.

***** There seems to have been some shading from the government on the actual death toll in Puerto Rico. Hurricane Maria has an official tally of 64 dead but estimates are saying that it could be 70 times higher. Most deaths happened after the actual threat and could have been prevented. How many people have to suffer or die before we get these clowns out of office?

***** Scary clown is in the habit of pardoning whoever he pleases. Why the hell would anybdy want to pardon Rod Blagojevich?

***** The 71st Cannes film fest has honored Spike Lee’s BlacKkKlansman, Nadine Labaki’s Capernaum and Hirokazu Kore-eda’s Shoplifters.

***** The Boys in the Band has been restaged starring Tuc Watkins, Zachary Quinto and Jim Parsons.

***** It seems the Black Cube operatives who worked for Weinstein have been trying to get dirt on former Obama administration officials and their spouses. Guess who set that in motion?

***** Cigna and Blue Cross Blue Shield say that policies advocated by the Trump administration and the repeal of Obama care would raise their rates up to 64%.

***** The Met gala had some fab fashion with a theme of Heavenly bodies/Catholic imagination. The best dressed according to me were Lily Collins, Zoe Kravitz, Frances McDormand, Mindy Kaling, Rosie Huntington Whitely, Arianna Grande, Amal Clooney, Gigi Hadid, Rita Ora, Donatella, JLo, Tiffany Haddish, Scarlett Johansen, Janelle Monae, Blake Lively, Gabrielle Union, Liu Wen, Sienna Miller, Emilia Clark, Miley Cyrus, Virgil Abloh, Emily Ratajkowski, Stephen Colbert, Cynthia Erivo, Mary J. Blige, Trevor Noah, Michelle Williams, Lena Waithe, Alek Wek and Jasmine snders. The worst dressed to me were Katy Perry, Kris Jenner, Anne Hathaway, Selena Gomez, Claire Danes, Sarah Paulson, Ariana Rockefellar, Greta Gerwig, Tracee Ellis Ross and Helen Lasichanh. 2Chainz proposed again to Nakesha Ward at the ball.

***** The new slogan from our first lady: Be Best

***** Are Emma Stone and Justin Theroux a thing?

***** Trump has withdrawn from the Iran deal.

***** Buddy Guy has a new cd with help from Jeff Beck, James Bay and Mick and Keith. Buddy id also a guest on Letterman’s My next guest needs no introduction.

***** There are 11 investigations into Scott Pruitt.

***** The ins and outs at the White House: Ty Cobb is out and Emmet Flood is in.

***** The Tony nominations are out with Mean Girls, Sponge Bob square pants, Angels in America, The Band’s visit, Carousel, My Fair Lady and Harry Potter and the cursed child leading the pack.

***** John McCain has a memoir and will retire soon. He and his family are also riding out the heartless comments that came from the White House who seem pleased that he may die sooner rather than later.

***** It’s stripe season. I have never seen people wear so many stripes.

***** R.I.P. Allan D. Smith,  Anne V. Coates, Scott Hutchison, Big T, Kristin Harmon Nelson, Peter Mayer, Margot Kidder, Clint Walker, Patricia Morison, Philip Roth, Tom Wolfe, John Bain, Joseph Campanella and Paul Bloch.

[newstfionline]

A light amid the darkness, a Puerto Rico church stands up as its community struggles

By Arelis R. Hernández, Washington Post, October 7, 2017

UTUADO, PUERTO RICO--Our Lady of Monte Carmelo Catholic Church tried to hold Mass right after Hurricane Maria passed, but a landslide had knocked out the east wall and filled the tiny sanctuary with thick mud.

The lakeside village of Caonillas had been savaged. The hillsides appeared as if bleeding, scarred by the streaks of dislodged earth and frond-less palm trees. Maria’s winds spirited away zinc and tin roofs. Her deluge sent blood-orange topsoil into homes, onto cars and across roads.

“It was hellish,” said Midge Battistini, a teacher who lost her home near the banks of Lake Caonillas. She said the winds changed direction, creating a funnel effect that sucked up every green thing around.

Tucked into the sparsely populated central mountainsides, the village had been cut off from the rest of the world. No services. No contact. The people of Caonillas had weathered storms before. Hurricane Hugo had been through here. So had Georges. But Maria showed no mercy. There was nothing holy about her.

Carmen Ortiz and her family live nearest to Our Lady of Monte Carmelo, and they worked for a week to dig it out from the mud and clean the pews. On the first Mass after the Sept. 20 storm, the church opened and the Ortiz family--the four of them--were the only ones who could make it. Ortiz sought solace in Father Rafael Rodriguez, sharing her worries, her fears and what her family experienced trapped inside their home as Maria lashed outside.

The church “is the only light I’ve seen in the midst of all this darkness,” she said.

At that first Mass, they prayed that more people would come.

More than two weeks after Hurricane Maria tore a devastating path through Puerto Rico, communities such as this one are still isolated and struggling to meet basic human needs. They are frustrated at what they see as the lack of local and federal attention to their plight. In Caonillas, the effort to re-energize the church has given people a special kind of faith--a special kind of mission--while the world around them remains unsettled and unnerving.

Local officials estimate that nearly every state road in Coanillas and greater Utuado were impassable or collapsed after the hurricane. No homes were left completely untouched in this region of the Central mountain range once ruled by the indigenous caciques, or Taino chiefs, who dominated the high altitude interior until the 15th century, when Christopher Columbus arrived.

“There were roads I didn’t recognize and homes that I was used to seeing that were gone,” said Idhem Heredia, the parish secretary. “There were other homes that I hadn’t seen before because there was so much vegetation. Now they are clear to see.”

Heredia said the region simply wasn’t prepared for what Maria wrought.

When it became obvious that help wasn’t quickly on its way, local residents began fending for themselves as they assessed the ruin around them.

Hector Quiles got busy, using a bulldozer to clear the mud and dead trees from mountain roadways. The coffee grower said Maria wiped out his entire harvest.

Quiles, 40, had coffee, plantains and fruits and vegetables, but he estimated that “about 5 percent is left over, and that is for my family’s consumption.”

Another grower, Angel Gonzalez, vice president of Cafe Don Alonso, had similar laments: “There’s no coffee to process.”

As shock turned to despair, parishioners focused on Our Lady of Monte Carmelo. Roads began to clear and the church started to return to some semblance of its former self. Ortiz’s extended family arrived for a midweek mass, increasing the number of worshipers from four to eight.

Still, they believed, more would come. The parish posted a yellow sign on the front gate: “There will be Mass on Sunday at 11 a.m.”

That Sunday was Oct. 1--11 days after Maria made landfall--and the parishioners began setting up. Plastic chairs were placed at the rear of the church instead of at the altar, away from where the mud had invaded the room. The sound of a tambourine and guitar strokes emanated from the darkened interior, where Ortiz and her daughter were practicing choruses for the service. A painting of La Virgen de la Divina Providencia, the patroness of Puerto Rico, watched over the elements for the Eucharist with the island’s flag--red and white stripes with a blue triangle emblazoned with a white star--draped behind her.

Then the people started arriving.

Jose Maldonado Jimenez, 71, sat outside waiting for the service with about a dozen others; they milled about and shared their stories and traded hugs and kisses. Children chased after a skinny black mutt in the church courtyard, and men with sun-kissed faces wanted to know what President Trump had said about the Puerto Rican recovery that had people so upset down in the town at the base of the mountain.

“This has been out of this world. No one has come around here” with food and water, Maldonado Jimenez said. “Here in the country, we can eat from the earth and we can draw water from the mountain for a while. We can live without electricity, but we planned for seven days, not two weeks. But we will figure out a way.”

The parish bell began to toll, signaling to the homes on the mountainside and the valley below that mass would soon commence.

Father Rodriguez put on his robes in a back room next to Quile’s eldest son, who struggled to find the slot for his head in his altar boy cassock. The doors all were open.

The bell rang again, and 20 people took their seats. It was steamy, uncomfortable. Whispered conversations broke into chuckles when one man clicked the switch of a fan. It didn’t spin. No power here, and not expected for a long time. He smiled goofily.

“We’ve all been affected. There is much suffering. There is much anguish,” the priest said as he began his homily. “What do we do? We look to our faith, to the cross of Jesus and look around to see who needs help around us.”

This moment of suffering, he told his flock, can become a time of blessing.