#30 Miles from Nowhere 2018

[latenightsleuth]

7 Celebrities Who Disappeared and We Still Don’t Know Where They Are

Can you imagine how hard it is to pull off a good act of vanishing? VERY hard. Just ask Steven Leung, who tried to make it look like he’d died during 9/11. Spoiler, that didn’t work. And now can you imagine someone like Beyonce just disappearing into thin air? That seems impossible. Yet, sometimes it happens.

Scott Smith

Scott Smith was a founding member of the band Loverboy but on November 30, 2000, he mysteriously disappeared at sea.

Smith, his girlfriend, and their two friends went sailing after Loverboy’s concert in Vancouver, B.C. When they were nearing San Francisco, the weather got stormy with gigantic waves. One of them knocked Smith of the vessel and into the water.

“We turned back around but couldn’t find any of the debris or cushions or the man-overboard pole,” said his friend Bill Ellis. Coast Guards and private searches couldn’t find him. His body was never found.

Rico Harris

In 2000, Rico Harris played basketball for a very famous team the Harlem Globetrotters but because of his drinking addiction he couldn’t pursue this career and went on to work as a security guard. In 2014, he was fired from there for drunkenness. When he left his mom’s house in LA and went to Seattle and stay with his girlfriend, he vanished somewhere along State Route 16 near Sacramento.

His backpack and phone were found on the roadside, but he was nowhere to be seen. Days after his disappearance people were reporting sightings of a giant person walking alongside State Route 16. Human footprints were found in the sand but not Harris.

Fan Bingbing

Fan Bingbing is a Chinese A-list celebrity, one of the few Chinese actresses to make it to the international market. But in 2018 her movie contracts leaked onto social media and it turned out that she’d been using fake contacts to avoid paying taxes. And on July 1, she disappeared.

People think that the authorities reeducating her this way and also show other stars the consequences they could be facing. Later in October, she released an apology on her social media and the Chinese authorities stated that she would be paying a fine. Nevertheless, she still has not been seen in public.

Bison Dele

Bison Dele whose real name is Brian Williams was a basketball player who was famously odd. When he quit basketball he was seen firing off bazookas into the desert in Lebanon, and then wandering through Asia, living as some sort of rich hobo.

In 2002, when he was in Australia, he learned to sail, bought himself a boat named the Hakuna Matata and decided to sail from Tahiti to Hawaii. He, his girlfriend, Serena Karlan, the ship’s captain, Bertran Saldo, and Dele’s older brother, Miles Dabord were on board but they never made it to Hawaii. Everyone but Dabord vanished at sea.

Dabord was arrested in Phoenix two months later trying to buy gold with his brother’s money. When he was released on bail, he committed suicide via insulin overdose. Supposedly he was prone to violence and envied his brother’s success.

If you or anyone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Oscar Zeta Acosta

Chicano activist Oscar Zeta Acosta relentlessly consumed pills, hallucinogens, and drunk alcohol in huge quantities. In May 1974, he went to his family home in Mexico and just vanished. His friend Hunter S. Thompson spent years searching for him and later claimed that he was probably killed in a drug hit or a political assassination. However, Acosta’s body was never found.

Richey Edwards

A rhythm guitarist and lyricist of Manic Street Preachers Richey Edwards was a mid-1990s British rock idol whom The Guardian called “a lightning rod of sorts for adolescent angst.” He was handsome, moody, and has a talent for writing lyrics about depression.

In February 1995 he disappeared from his hotel room and his car was found abandoned near the Severn Bridge. In 2008 he was legally declared dead but his body was never found.

Jim Sullivan

Read more at: https://nexter.org/7-celebrities-who-disappeared-and-we-still-dont-know-where-they-are

In March 1975, Jim Sullivan was heading to Nashville but he never made it there. His car was found abandoned in the desert outside Santa Rosa, New Mexico and his clothes, wallet, and guitar were all found in a nearby motel. One of his friends said that if Sullivan was planning to vanish, he would’ve never left his guitar behind.

[makaientjluvdaprince]

I just watched 30 Miles from Nowhere (2018)

[moremoviesplease]

30 Miles from Nowhere (2018) Dir. Caitlin Koller ☆Carrie Preston, Rob Benedict, Cathy Shim☆

[natehoodreviews]

400 Words on 30 MILES FROM NOWHERE ★½

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a filmmaker in possession of a cabin in the woods, must be in want of a horror movie to shoot there. Haunted cabin movies are such a prevalent part of the horror landscape that they’ve become a genre unto themselves, and on the surface, Caitlin Koller’s 30 Miles from Nowhere appears to follow their formula to a T: a group of old friends reunite in an isolated Wisconsin cabin to attend a friend’s funeral, things go awry, spooky things start happening, and bodies begin piling up. What sets 30 Miles apart is the unusual attention it gives to developing its characters. Unlike the traditional slasher victim fodder, Koller’s characters are no college-age teenyboppers—they’re all in their 30s and 40s with considerable histories of sadness and regret: there’s an alcoholic lesbian named Elaine (Seana Kofoed) who seems perpetually on the verge of a nervous breakdown—or the DTs; Bess, (Cathy Shim) a blissful housewife who’s left her hard-partying ways behind her…mostly; Paul, a quiet, kind psychiatrist (William Smillie); Larry (Rob Benedict), a douchebro jerk infamous for stealing his friends’ girlfriends in college; and Jack (Postell Pringle), another horndog with zero scruples about cheating on his girlfriend Amber (Marielle Scott) whom he brought with him to the funeral. Completing the ensemble is Sylvia (Carrie Preston), owner of the cabin and grief-stricken wife of their deceased friend. The first half of the film is less Cabin in the Woods than The Decline of the American Empire as we watch these people bicker, argue, and complain about sex, life, and their college years. Some hook up, most get drunk, and everyone starts wondering why Sylvia insisted they come and stay at this cabin in the middle of a brewing thunderstorm where no taxis will dare come at night. By the time the pipes start spraying blood and armies of cockroaches invade the bedrooms, we find ourselves wondering if any of these people liked each other in the first place. A film that uses slasher tropes to externalize the psychological crises of its bickering characters would certainly be a welcome one in this age of art-house horror, but Koller chooses instead to cling to the stereotypes of the genre for their own sake, transforming the film from unusual character study to boring thriller with second-rate scares and a third-rate twist.

[notastranger]

watched this week 🩸

Bed Rest (tubi)

Dead to Me (netflix)

30 Miles From Nowhere (peacock)

First Kill (netflix)

The Bad Seed 2018 (youtube)

#horrorwatchlist #recentlywatchedhorror #scream6 #melissaberrera #mckennagrace

[mariellescottsource]

(x)

[dweemeister]

The complete list of films featured in 2021′s “31 Days of Oscar” marathon

What follows is the exhaustive list of all 403 short- and feature-length films featured on this blog over the last thirty-one days for the 31 Days of Oscar marathon. This number is up from last year’s count of 327 and is the second-highest number of films I have ever featured in this marathon (behind the 410 films from 2016). Despite the number, this remains only a fraction of the nearly 5,000 films that have been nominated for Academy Awards. This year’s marathon was harder to plan than usual due to the fact it was presented in alphabetical order - with the exception of any write-ups I did.

BREAKDOWN BY DECADE 1927-1929: 7 1930s: 44 1940s: 63 1950s: 63 1960s: 46 1970s: 25 1980s: 29 1990s: 28 2000s: 25 2010s: 43 2020s: 30

Year with most representation (2020 excluded): 1940 (ten films) Median year: 1964

And now, the list. Best Picture winners and the one (and only) winner for Unique and Artistic Production are in bold. Asterisked (*) films are films I haven’t seen in their entirety as of the publishing of this post.

A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)

Ace in the Hole (1951)

Adam’s Rib (1949)*

The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938)

After the Thin Man (1936)*

Airport (1970)*

Aladdin (1992)

Albert Nobbs (2011)

Alexander’s Ragtime Band (1938)

All Quiet on the Western Front (1930)

Almost Famous (2000)

An American in Paris (1951)

Anastasia (1956)

Anatomy of a Murder (1959)

Annie (1982)

Around the World in Eighty Days (1956)

Arrival (2016)

Au Revoir Les Enfants (1987, France)

The Awful Truth (1937)

Babe (1995)

Baby Doll (1956)*

Ballad of a Soldier (1959, Soviet Union)*

The Band Wagon (1953)

Bao (2018 short)

Ben-Hur (1959)

Berkeley Square (1933)

The Best Man (1964)

Better Days (2019, Hong Kong)*

The Big Chill (1983)*

The Birds (1963)

Birds Anonymous (1957 short)

Black Orpheus (1959, Brazil)

BlacKkKlansman (2018)

Blue Velvet (1986)

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)*

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm: Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2020)*

The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)

Brief Encounter (1945)

Brotherhood (2018 short, Tunisia/Canada/Qatar/Sweden)

Cabin in the Sky (1943)

Calamity Jane (1953)

Carol (2015)*

Casablanca (1942)

Casino (1995)*

Charade (1963)

The Circus (1928)

Citizen Kane (1941)

City of God (2002, Brazil)*

Claudine (1974)*

Closely Watched Trains (1966, Czechoslovakia)

Coraline (2009)*

Da 5 Bloods (2020)*

Dances with Wolves (1990)

Death in Venice (1971)*

Destination Moon (1950)*

The Devil and Daniel Webster (1941)

Down Argentine Way (1940)

Dunkirk (2017)

Easter Parade (1948)

The Edge of Democracy (2019, Brazil)*

Educated Fish (1937 short)*

El Cid (1961)*

Elmer Gantry (1960)

The End of the Affair (1999)*

Ernest & Celestine (2012, France/Belgium)

Face to Face (1976, Sweden)*

The Fallen Idol (1948)

Fantasia (1940)

A Fantastic Woman (2017, Chile)*

Far from the Madding Crowd (1967)*

A Farewell to Arms (1932)*

A Few Good Men (1992)*

Five Easy Pieces (1970)*

The Five Pennies (1959)

The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T. (1953)

Flower Drum Song (1961)

Flowers and Trees (1932 short)

Flying Down to Rio (1933)*

For All Mankind (1989)

For Sama (2019)*

Forbidden Planet (1956)

Forrest Gump (1994)

42nd Street (1933)

Four Days in November (1964)*

The Four Feathers (1939)

The 400 Blows (1959, France)

Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994)*

From Here to Eternity (1953)

Funny Face (1957)

Funny Girl (1968)

Fury (1936)*

Gandhi (1982)

The Garden of Allah (1936)

Garden Party (2017 short, France)

Gaslight (1944)

Giant (1956)

Gigi (1958)

Gladiator (2000)

The Godfather (1972)

The Godfather, Part II (1974)

Goodbye, Mr. Chips (1939)

Gorillas in the Mist (1988)*

Gosford Park (2001)

Grand Hotel (1932)

Grand Prix (1966)*

The Great Beauty (2013, Italy)

The Great Race (1965)

The Great Ziegfeld (1936)

Green Book (2018)

Green Dolphin Street (1947)*

The Green Mile (1999)*

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (1967)

Gunfight at the O.K. Corral (1957)

Gunga Din (1939)

Hair Love (2019 short)

Hallelujah (1929)*

Hamlet (1948)

Hamlet (1990)

Hamlet (1996)

Hangmen Also Die! (1943)*

The Happiest Millionaire (1967)

A Hard Day’s Night (1964)

Harlan County U.S.A. (1976)

The Harvey Girls (1946)

Heartbreak Ridge (1986)*

The Heiress (1949)

Hell’s Angels (1930)*

Henry V (1989)

Here Comes Mr. Jordan (1941)

Hero (2002, China)*

Hidden Figures (2016)

The High and the Mighty (1954)*

High Noon (1952)

High Society (1956)

Himalaya (1999, France/Switzerland/United Kingdom/Nepal)*

Home Alone (1990)

Honeysuckle Rose (1980)*

Hoosiers (1986)

The House on 92nd Street (1945)*

How the West Was Won (1962)

How to Survive a Plague (2012)*

I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang (1932)

I Married a Witch (1942)*

I Never Sang for My Father (1970)

I Vitelloni (1953, Italy)*

I Wanted Wings (1941)*

I, Tonya (2017)*

Ida (2013, Poland)

Imitation of Life (1959)

In Cold Blood (1967)

In the Absence (2018 short, South Korea)

In the Heat of the Night (1967)

Inherit the Wind (1960)

Inside Daisy Clover (1965)*

Inside Moves (1980)*

It Happened One Night (1934)

It Happened Tomorrow (1944)*

It Should Happen to You (1954)*

It’s Always Fair Weather (1955)

Jackie Brown (1997)*

Jammin’ the Blues (1944 short)*

Jaws (1975)

The Jazz Singer (1927)

Jerry’s Cousin (1951 short)

Jesus Camp (2006)*

Jezebel (1938)

Jim: The James Foley Story (2016)*

Joe’s Violin (2016 short)

The Journey of Natty Gann (1985)

Joyeux Noel (2005, France)

Judgment at Nuremberg (1961)

Julia (1977)*

Juliet of the Spirits (1965, Italy)

Kagemusha (1980, Japan)

The Karate Kid (1984)

The Killers (1946)*

The King and I (1956)

The King’s Speech (2010)

The Kite Runner (2007)

Knights of the Round Table (1953)*

Knives Out (2019)

Kundun (1997)*

La Ronde (1950, France)*

La Strada (1954, Italy)

La Traviata (1982, Italy)*

Lady Be Good (1941)*

The Lady Eve (1941)

The Ladykillers (1955)*

The Last Emperor (1987)

A Letter to Three Wives (1949)

The Life Ahead (2020, Italy)*

Life is Beautiful (1997, Italy)

Life with Feathers (1945 short)

Lili (1953)

Lilies of the Field (1963)

The Lion in Winter (1968)*

Little Caesar (1931)

A Little Romance (1979)

Little Women (2019)

Logan (2017)

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

Lost Horizon (1937)

Love Affair (1939)*

Love Story (1970)*

Loving Vincent (2017)

The Magic Flute (1975, Sweden)

The Magnificent Ambersons (1942)

Malcolm X (1992)

The Maltese Falcon (1941)

A Man for All Seasons (1966)

The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956)

The Manchurian Candidate (1962)

Maria Full of Grace (2004, Colombia)*

Meet Me in Las Vegas (1956)*

Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)

Mighty Joe Young (1949)*

Milk (2008)

Million Dollar Mermaid (1952)*

The Miracle Worker (1962)*

Mon Oncle (1958, France)

Monsieur Hulot’s Holiday (1953, France)*

Mutiny on the Bounty (1935)

My Fair Lady (1964)

My Favorite Wife (1940)

My Favorite Year (1982)

My Night at Maud’s (1969)*

The Narrow Margin (1952)

The Natural (1984)

Nebraska (2013)

Network (1976)

Night Must Fall (1937)*

Nightcrawler (2014)*

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

Ninotchka (1939)

Nowhere in Africa (2001, Germany)*

Odd Man Out (1947)*

The Official Story (1985, Argentina)*

Oklahoma! (1955)*

Oliver! (1968)

On Golden Pond (1981)*

On the Riviera (1951)*

On the Waterfront (1954)

One Day in September (1999)*

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)

One Foot in Heaven (1941)

One Hour with You (1932)

One Potato, Two Potato (1964)*

Only Angels Have Wings (1939)*

Our Town (1940)

Paisan (1946, Italy)

Pal Joey (1957)*

Pan’s Labyrinth (2006, Mexico)

Paper Moon (1973)*

Parasite (2019, South Korea)

The Parent Trap (1961)

A Passage to India (1984)*

Patton (1970)

Pelle the Conqueror (1987, Denmark)*

Period. End of Sentence. (2018 short)

Persepolis (2007, France)

The Philadelphia Story (1940)

The Picture of Dorian Gray (1945)

Pigs in a Polka (1943 short)*

Pillow Talk (1959)*

Pinocchio (1940)

Places in the Heart (1984)*

Poltergeist (1982)

Portrait of Jennie (1948)

Precious (2009)*

The Prisoner of Zenda (1937)

The Private Life of Helen of Troy (1927)*

The Private Lives of Elizabeth and Essex (1939)*

The Producers (1967)

Psycho (1960)

Pulp Fiction (1994)

Purple Rain (1984)

Puss Gets the Boot (1940 short)

Pygmalion (1938)

Quiet Please! (1945 short)

Quo Vadis, Aida? (2020, Bosnia-Herzegovina)*

Rachel, Rachel (1968)*

Ran (1985, Japan)

Random Harvest (1942)

Rashômon (1950, Japan)

Rasputin and the Empress (1932)*

Rear Window (1954)

Rebecca (1940)

Red River (1948)

The Red Shoes (1948)

A River Runs Through It (1992)

Road to Perdition (2002)

Roma (2018, Mexico)

Saludos Amigos (1942)

Same Time, Next Year (1978)*

The Secret of Kells (2009)

Sense and Sensibility (1995)*

Sergeant York (1941)

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (1954)

Seven Samurai (1954, Japan)

Shadow of a Doubt (1943)

The Shape of Water (2017)

Shaun the Sheep Movie (2015)*

She Done Him Wrong (1933)*

She Wore a Yellow Ribbon (1949)

The Shootist (1976)

The Shop on Main Street (1965, Czechoslovakia)

The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Silverado (1985)

Singin’ in the Rain (1952)

Sleeping Beauty (1959)

The Smiling Lieutenant (1931)

The Snake Pit (1948)*

Song of the Sea (2014)

Sounder (1972)

The Sound of Music (1965)

The Spanish Main (1945)*

Speedy (1928)

Speedy Gonzales (1955 short)

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)

Spirited Away (2001, Japan)

Stagecoach (1939)

A Star is Born (1937)

A Star is Born (1954)

A Star is Born (1976)*

A Star is Born (2018)

Star Trek: First Contact (1996)

Star Wars (1977)

Starship Troopers (1997)

The Sting (1973)

A Stolen Life (1946)*

The Story of Three Loves (1953)*

The Story of the Weeping Camel (2003, Mongolia)*

The Strange Love of Martha Ivers (1946)*

The Stranger (1946)*

A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)

Strike Up the Band (1940)

Strings (1991 short)*

The Sundowners (1960)*

Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans (1927)

Superman (1978)

Sweet Bird of Youth (1962)

Swing Time (1936)

T-Men (1947)*

The Tale of the Princess Kaguya (2013, Japan)

Tangerines (2013, Estonia)*

Tenet (2020)

Them! (1954)

Theodora Goes Wild (1936)*

Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo (1944)*

This is Cinerama (1952)*

The Three Musketeers (1948)

Three Orphan Kittens (1935 short)

Time (2020)*

Timecode (2016 short, Spain)

Tom Jones (1963)

Toni Erdmann (2016, Germany)*

Top Hat (1935)

The Triplets of Belleville (2003, France)*

The Truman Show (1998)*

12 Angry Men (1957)

Twilight of Honor (1963)*

Two Girls and a Sailor (1944)*

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

Umberto D. (1952, Italy)

The Umbrellas of Cherbourg (1964, France)

Unforgiven (1992)

Up (2009)

Vertigo (1958)

Victor/Victoria (1982)

WALL-E (2008)

Watch on the Rhine (1943)*

Waterloo Bridge (1940)

Weary River (1929)*

West Side Story (1961)

Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day (1968 short)

The Wizard of Oz (1939)

Wolfwalkers (2020)

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

You Can’t Take It with You (1938)

Zorba the Greek (1964)*

The 15 nominated short films for the 93rd Academy Awards

The 8 nominees for Best Picture at the 93rd Academy Awards, including the winner, Nomadland

Until next year’s ceremony, folks - February will be here before we know it!

[adamwatchesmovies]

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

A film doesn't need to be “good for you” to be good. Look at 1974's The Texas Chain Saw Massacre for example. It’s horrifying and unsettling. That’s the point. That’s what makes it great. Nearly 50 years later, it still terrifies while its long lineage of sequels, prequels, remakes, and reboots continuously disappoint. Attempting to imitate David Gordon Green’s Halloween (2018), 2022’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre promises much and then fails to deliver in every department except for one.

In 2022, young entrepreneurs Melody (Sarah Yarkin) and Dante (Jacob Latimore), along with Melody’s sister Lila (Elsie Fisher) and Dante’s fiance Ruth (Nell Hudson) have purchased the abandoned Texas town of Harlow so they can sell the properties and create a trendy, gentrified hot spot. They didn’t expect anyone to be living in the dilapidated buildings, much less an elderly woman named Ginny (Alice Krige) and the mentally stunted, murderous man in her care (Mark Burnham) - the culprit behind a 1973 bloodbath we call The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

If you want gore, this movie has it by the truckload. Despite being what? 70? 80 years old? Leatherface effortlessly turns everyone into pools of chunky salsa. Via his trademark chainsaw, of course, but also using hammers, knives, shards of glass, meat cleavers, and people’s own broken limbs. I believe David Blue Garcia was aiming to make this man who wears human skin for a mask seem demonically strong but the movie takes it to such an extreme it feels more like this story is set in a calcium-deficient universe.

Get ready to follow some of the dumbest horror movie protagonists you’ve met in a while. Now let me be clear. I’m not criticizing Dante for going into a house he believes is abandoned to look for important paperwork. He saw the two weirdos living there leave. He doesn’t know he’s in a horror movie whose antagonist can teleport and make his chainsaw silent if the scene demands it to be. I am calling him and his friends stupid for their complete lack of preparation, forethought, or common sense. When you have an entire town of dusty buildings to sell, you don’t show up 15 minutes before your potential buyers do. You case the joint, you make sure nothing is going to interfere with your big venture. When something goes wrong and the old lady who wasn’t supposed to be there has a heart attack, you don’t follow her and the police up to the hospital because, why would you? You don’t insult the guy brandishing a gun when you’re in the middle of nowhere with no authorities to be found - not if you want to live anyway.

Aside from the nauseatingly convincing viscera and blood, there’s only one thing this movie does somewhat well. Even then it's so scattered, I'm certain it was by accident. This movie is set in the present when people have cell phones, v-logs, and eagerly pull out their cameras whenever they see anything remotely dodgy. I’ve often criticized horror movies for finding contrived ways to get rid of their devices and/or signals. In TCM, Leatherface stumbles upon a big group of people. They’re frightened and puzzled, they pull out their phones and warn him with cancellation if he steps forward. It doesn’t go well for them. There’s a kernel of a good idea there. Yes, you can call the police, you can record evidence, you can do all sorts of things but they won't help you right there and then if your assailant doesn’t care. At that moment, the movie has sort of cracked a slasher movie problem. The police are on their way. They’ll be here in 30 minutes. Just in time to scoop what’s left of you into a Ziplock bag. The rest of the time, however, people just forget they have phones. No one calls for help, no one texts their friends to let them know “I’m trapped in this house and there’s a hulking lunatic in here with me, if you come in, make sure you do it quietly!” We know there isn’t a police officer within the surrounding 50 miles, but they don’t!

At face value, Texas Chainsaw Massacre seems similar to 2018’s Halloween. Both ignore all of the previous chapters except for the original and bring back the lone survivor so she can face the demon that’s plagued her all of these years by putting him to rest once and for all. Both are significantly more brutal and violent than their ancestors. The difference is that Laurie Strode was a memorable character we grew attached to and that her (still ongoing) struggle against The Shape/Michael Myers feels like it's going somewhere new. TCM just wants to restore the status quo so it can pump out more gruesome sequels - the post-credit scene confirms this.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre is indistinguishable from the later Friday the 13th films, or any other randomly chosen slasher flick. The staggering body count might please gorehounds. For everyone else, it's a depressing, pointless film with nothing to say and no imagination, whatsoever. (May 13, 2022)

[grahamlandiwellbeing]

It Might Happen

I can remember once having a conversation with a client who suffered from an array of terrible anxieties in which he told me how hard he found it to either walk or drive across a bridge.

One of the phrases I remember uttering to him in the course of the work we did together was something along the lines of,

“Bridges don’t just fall.”

Some years later in 2018 when the Viadotto Genova-San Giorgio collapsed I reflected on my misplaced chutzpah.

Of course, I didn’t mean that they literally never fall, just that it’s not very likely, but I still half expected a terse email from him which never came.

Most of the people I work with suffer from anxiety, and I’ve recently been thinking about how we try and deal with it.

One of my most trusted methods is journaling although even that isn’t bulletproof as I discovered recently when I had titled an entry “Avoiding the truth” and then wrote nothing in the space beneath it.

I tried to create a flow diagram to help people understand how to deal with their anxiety having been unable to find an existing example that was neither too complex nor too simplistic.

My version hung on the ability to distinguish between anxiety over which you might have some influence versus that which comes from out of nowhere and is beyond control.

I hypothesize that pushing ourselves to act when we can do something about how we feel will reduce the overall burden, but sketching it out on a piece of paper I found that it required too many different boxes and variables for the space available on the page which made me anxious, so I gave up and put some washing on.

Anxiety came front and centre again later when we were trying to fit a bike into a car and I was reminded of the time we went on holiday with three bikes fitted to the roof rack.

I tried to stifle the terrible anxiety I felt about hitting something and damaging the car, the bikes, and the family, although not necessarily in that order.

Arriving back in Calais I relaxed having managed to get us there and back without disaster but my overconfidence caused me to drive into a car park at the hypermarket forgetting about the height barrier and smashing all of the bikes off the top of the car no more than 30 miles from home.

To really cope with anxiety it is not enough to comfort ourselves with the dubious certainty that the worst won’t actually happen because sometimes it does.

There is a step beyond trying to convince ourselves that bridges don’t fall, planes won’t tumble from the sky, and that we can’t possibly be that sick. It’s the acceptance that they do, they might, and that we could be.

If emotional tranquility exists anywhere it does so in the certain knowledge that literally anything can smash it in an instant. If we can come to terms with that and realise that we’ll survive most things, even when they’re really bad, life becomes a lot more manageable.

I hope that’s calmed you down.

[rgrettes]

heyy, I hope I'm not bothering but I've seen that you used to post about faberry and faberry fics like Shafd, and since I'm trying to find some faberry fanfics to read, could you please recommend me some of your favorites? Thank you :)

OKAY so this took me a whole lot longer than anticipated because I didn’t want to make it be like 500 fics long! But here, in no particular order, are my top 10 faberry fanfics! [excluding SHAfD of course bc whomever asked this definitely knows SHAfD!]I will be including trigger warnings/content warnings! Please be sure that you can handle the subjects before reading the content! Be safe and put your mental and physical wellbeing before a work of fiction!

10. Dirty Little Secret by patchesofink

Chapters: 77/77 [208k]

This fic would actually happen to be the first faberry fic that I ever read. I felt my little 15 year old self cry several times throughout this fic. It’s what first got me into writing fanfic, because I wanted to write as well as this author! There is a content warning so please be careful reading it if you are sensitive to topics mentioned!

Rachel has a secret and Quinn has figured it out - but will Quinn use this knowledge to exact revenge on Rachel for telling Finn that Puck was really the father or will she use her own experiences to help. WARNING - language and sexual content, r*pe.

9. I’ll Be by stix04

Chapters: 20/20 [330k]

God I was such a sucker for fake dating au’s as a young teenager and I’m most definitely a sucker for them now. This one I didn’t read right when it came out, I didn’t actually find it until it had finished but it still makes my top 20 because it’s just too good not to talk about!

Can Quinn pretend to be in love with Rachel just to get out of Lima? Can Rachel pretend to love Quinn so she's not so lonely in New York? And what happens when both girls realize they're no longer pretending?

8. Long Way to Happy by patchesofink 

Chapters: 42/42 [104k]

This is the sequel to Dirty Little Secret and makes the list for being just as good as the original. This author is so talented and the story just resonates in my soul! 

warnings for sexual content, language, violence and potential ptsd triggers!

Sequel to Dirty Little Secret. Rachel still has some healing to do as well with dealing with becoming a mom. Quinn has her own issues to deal with. Can their fledgling relationship deal with the ups and downs of life and cope with senior year? Quinn learns to open up and Rachel deals with motherhood and not letting her past define her. It's a Long Way to Happy.

7. Leather Jackets and Bad Coffee by antonius

Chapters: 11/?? [75k] [has not updated since 2018 :(]

Bikers, 50′s style diners, and good girl/bad girl pairing. Literally who could ask for anything more? I’m super sad this one hasn’t updated in a long time but it’s still such a fun read!!

warning for violence!

Ninety miles and nearly two hours from the heart of New York City, just off of PA-33 North, is the little town of Belfast, Pennsylvania: population 1,257. Right outside the city limits sits Moe's, a small 24-hour diner whose newest waitress, Rachel Berry, has taken her best friend Kurt's advice and started a calm summer temp job away from the hustle-and-bustle of busy city life in order to rest up before her final year at NYADA.During her very first midnight shift, she encounters a group of rowdy regulars led by a pink-haired woman with piercing hazel eyes. Quinn Fabray is the leader of the Skanks, a small but well-known local biker gang that doesn't take shit from anyone.So began the strangest summer of Rachel Berry's life.

6. Talk by saintdyke

Chapters: 17/? [43k] [last updated may 2019]

This is another one I’m sad hasn’t updated in a while! This honestly stole my heart to a point that in the time I found it in mid April 2019 and June of 2019 I have re-visited the fic 105 times, rereading it at least half as many as that. I’m really hoping the author comes back to the fic, because it was keeping me on the edge of my seat.

warning for violence, abuse mentions and depictions, homophobia and ptsd triggers!

(Previously titled Grease Stains, Starry Skies) Famous actress Rachel Berry’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. A pretty blonde with a blue truck rescues her from the side of the road, and just so happens to own an Auto Repair shop in town. Quinn is frustrating and mysterious, and Rachel is just as stubborn. Together, they start a revolution.

5. Just off the Key of Reason by iamapanda

Chapters: 30/30 [129k]

This one is another absolute classic in the Faberry fandom, and is another fic that has stuck with me throughout the years! It has a fantastic softer take on Quinn that I truly appreciated because everyone back in the early years of the fandom would make her so angry and bitter and she’s just so soft in some interpretations

Rachel Berry is a successful Broadway star with a new roommate, the very odd, naive Quinn Fabray. It starts with a note on the fridge and a childishly scrawled doodle of an elephant. Everybody has a little crazy in them.

4. Still off the Key of Reason by iamapanda

Chapters: 37/37 [185k]

The sequel to Just off the Key of Reason! Still as soft and as crazy! I can’t mention one without having the other in the list as well! I can’t explain how it feels to look at the ff.net pages after so long, my heart is transported back to 2011 and I’m sitting on my bed after I’m supposed to be in bed. I miss the days where I could just spend time reading these fics and not having adult responsibilities.

Quinn is thundering her way through vet school. Rachel is enlightening the west coast with her talent. The story continues with a wedding, dogs in tuxedos, and Pooh Bear vows. Crazy never fades.

3. A Million Miles of Fun by Jade8Devlin

Chapters: 12/12 [103k]

This one is a little different from the last ones! It isn’t my favorite because of its literary genius, but because of how fun and out there it is! It’s concept is fresh and dark and something I honestly didn’t expect to see but it quickly grew to be a favorite for me!

warning for violence, abuse, mentions of murder! the whole story revolves around The Unholy Trinity + Rachel murdering Quinn’s family so please take that into consideration!

And in Lima, Ohio, a man and woman were killed earlier today during what is believed to be a home invasion. Russell Fabray was last seen leaving Gas'N'Go at two o'clock; his wife, Judith, from a grocery story an hour earlier. Police are linking the double homicide to the area's recent surge in breaking and entering – though these appear to be the first fatalities. The victims are survived by their daughters; Quinn and Stacey."Jessalyn Briggs shuffles the papers on her desk, clearing her throat. The somber expression on her face seems to float off her as she turns towards camera 3."Otis-the-Otter finishes today's news headlines as the little critter that could. Abandoned by his mother and found foraging for scraps in the Nelson family's garbage cans, Otis has proven; if you can't teach an old dog new tricks, teach them to an otter! Otis placed second at this year's Ohio Dog Show after last year's well-documented struggle by the Nelson family to allow Otis to be included. Well done Otis, we here at Channel 43 salute you.

2. The Silence of Silence by your.kat

Chapters: 31/31 [135k]

This one... I can’t describe why I liked it, I just liked it.

warning for mental health, and trauma [possible others, please read with caution]

Quinn and Rachel meet at Haverbrook under unusual circumstances. Why is Rachel silent? And why does Quinn care? "You can hear," Quinn said simply, "but can you speak?"; "Yes," Rachel signed. "I can speak. But silence is a friend who will never betray."

1. Kissing Quinn Fabray by vondrunkaton

Chapters: 6/6 [45k]

This one just makes me super warm and fuzzy inside. I don’t think I can say it’s entirely changed my life but it’s just so soft and i love it

Quinn comforts Rachel after Finn says something oafish. Rachel is surprised by how sweet Quinn is. There's also some making out in delicious detail. Fluffy getting together fic.

I am super open to talking about more fics I love/like and other pairings! This was a ton of fun to talk about and sent me down memory lane! I went searching for two hours on a vague memory of a fic that I think has been deleted by now. But if anyone wants to help me track it down! Hit me up and I’ll give you the details!

[makaientjluvdaprince]

I'm watching 30 Miles from Nowhere (2018)

[victorianwhitechapel]

Joseph Merrick - Part 2

Joseph Carey Merrick (5 August 1862 – 11 April 1890), often erroneously called John Merrick, was an English man with severe deformities. He was first exhibited at a freak show as the "Elephant Man", and then went to live at the London Hospital after he met Frederick Treves, subsequently becoming well known in London society.

[Part 1]

~ LIFE AS A CURIOSITY ~

Merrick concluded that his only escape from the workhouse might be through the world of human novelty exhibitions. He knew of a Leicester music hall comedian and proprietor named Sam Torr. In 1884 Merrick wrote to Torr, who came and visited him at the workhouse. Torr decided he could make money exhibiting Merrick; although, to retain Merrick's novelty, he would have to be a travelling exhibit. To this end, he organised a group of managers for Merrick: music hall proprietor J. Ellis, travelling showman George Hitchcock, and fair owner Sam Roper. On 3 August 1884, Merrick departed the workhouse to start his new career.

The showmen named Merrick the Elephant Man, and advertised him as "Half-a-Man and Half-an-Elephant". They showed him around the East Midlands, including in Leicester and Nottingham, before moving him on to London for the winter season. George Hitchcock contacted an acquaintance, showman Tom Norman, who ran penny gaff shops in London's East End exhibiting human curiosities. Without a meeting, Norman agreed to take over Merrick's management and in November, Hitchcock travelled with Merrick to London.

When Tom Norman first saw Merrick, he was dismayed by the extent of his deformities, fearing his appearance might be too horrific to be a successful novelty. Nevertheless, he exhibited Merrick in the back of an empty shop on Whitechapel Road. Merrick had an iron bed with a curtain drawn around to afford him some privacy.

[The shop on Whitechapel Road where Merrick was exhibited, in the 20th century. Wikipedia.]

Norman observed Merrick asleep one morning and learnt that he always slept sitting up, with his legs drawn up and his head resting on his knees. His enlarged head was too heavy to allow him to sleep lying down and, as Merrick put it, he would risk "waking with a broken neck". Norman decorated the shop with posters that had been created by Hitchcock, depicting a monstrous half-man, half-elephant. A pamphlet titled "The Autobiography of Joseph Carey Merrick" was created, outlining Merrick's life to date. This biography, whether written by Merrick or not, provided a generally accurate account of his life. It contained an incorrect date of birth but, throughout his life, Merrick was vague about when he was born.

Norman gathered an audience by standing outside the shop and drawing a crowd through his showman's patter. He would then lead his onlookers into the shop, explaining that the Elephant Man was "not here to frighten you but to enlighten you". Drawing aside the curtain, he allowed the onlookers—often visibly horrified—to observe Merrick up close, while describing the circumstances leading to his present condition, including his mother's alleged accident with an elephant. "Ladies and gentlemen ... I would like to introduce Mr Joseph Merrick, the Elephant Man. Before doing so I ask you please to prepare yourselves—Brace yourselves up to witness one who is probably the most remarkable human being ever to draw the breath of life." —Tom Norman.

The Elephant Man exhibit was moderately successful, and made money primarily from the sales of the autobiographical pamphlet. Merrick was able to put his share of the profits aside, hoping to earn enough to one day buy a home of his own. The shop on Whitechapel Road was directly across the road from the London Hospital, an excellent location, as medical students and doctors visited the shop, curious to see Merrick. One visitor was a young house surgeon named Reginald Tuckett. Like his colleagues, Tuckett was intrigued by the Elephant Man's deformities and told his senior colleague Frederick Treves.

[Merrick's cap and hood. Wikipedia]

****

Frederick Treves first met Merrick that November at a private viewing, before Norman opened the shop for the day. The viewing lasted no more than 15 minutes after which Treves returned to work. Later that day, he sent Tuckett back to the shop to ask if Merrick might be willing to come to the hospital for an examination. Norman and Merrick agreed. To enable him to travel the short distance without drawing undue attention, Merrick wore a costume consisting of an oversized black cloak and a brown cap with a hessian sack covering his face, and rode in a cab hired by Treves.

At the hospital, Treves examined Merrick, observing that he was "shy, confused, not a little frightened, and evidently much cowed". He measured Merrick's head circumference at the large size of 36 inches (91 cm), his right wrist at 12 inches (30 cm) and one of his fingers at 5 inches (13 cm) in circumference. He noted that his skin was covered in papillomata (warty growths), the largest of which exuded an unpleasant smell. The subcutaneous tissue appeared to be weakened and caused a loosening of the skin, which in some areas hung away from the body. There were bone deformities in the right arm, both legs, and, most conspicuously, in the large skull. Despite the corrective surgery to his mouth in 1882, Merrick's speech remained barely intelligible. His left arm and hand were not large and were not deformed. His penis and scrotum were normal. Apart from his deformities and the lameness in his hip, Treves concluded that Merrick appeared to be in good general health.

Norman later recalled that Merrick went to the hospital for examination "two or three" times and during one of their meetings, Treves gave Merrick his calling card. On one of the visits, Treves had photographs taken, and he provided Merrick with a set of copies which were later added to his autobiographical pamphlet. On 2 December, Treves presented Merrick at a meeting of the Pathological Society of London in Bloomsbury. Eventually, Merrick told Norman that he no longer wanted to be examined at the hospital. According to Norman, he said he was "stripped naked and felt like an animal in a cattle market".

During this time in Victorian Britain, tastes were changing in regard to freak show exhibitions like the Elephant Man. Shows like Norman's were a cause for public concern, both on the grounds of decency and due to the disruption caused by crowds gathering outside them. Not long after Merrick's last examination with Frederick Treves, the police closed down Norman's shop on Whitechapel Road, and Merrick's Leicester managers withdrew him from Norman's care. In 1885, Merrick went on the road with Sam Roper's travelling fair. He befriended two other performers, "Roper's Midgets"—Bertram Dooley and Harry Bramley—who on occasion defended Merrick from public harassment.

~ EUROPE ~

The dampening of public enthusiasm for freak shows and human oddities continued and the police and magistrates became increasingly vigilant in closing down shows. Merrick remained a horrifying spectacle for his viewers and Roper grew nervous about the negative attention the Elephant Man drew from local authorities. Merrick's group of managers decided he should go on tour in continental Europe, with the hope that authorities there would be more lenient. Merrick's management was assumed by an unknown man (possibly named Ferrari) and they left for the continent. The Elephant Man was no more successful there than in Britain, and similar action was taken by authorities to move him out of their jurisdictions. In Brussels, Merrick was deserted by this new manager, who stole Merrick's £50 (2018 equivalent £5,400) savings. Abandoned, Merrick made his way by train to Ostend, where he attempted to board a ferry for Dover but was refused passage. He travelled to Antwerp and was able to board a ship bound for Harwich in Essex. From there, he travelled by train to London and arrived at Liverpool Street station. 

Merrick arrived at Liverpool Street Station on 24 June 1886, safely back in his own country, but with nowhere to go. He was not eligible to enter a workhouse in London for more than one night and would be accepted only by Leicester Union, where he was a permanent resident. Leicester was 98 miles (158 km) away. He approached strangers for help, but his speech was unintelligible and his appearance repugnant. He drew a crowd of curious onlookers until a policeman helped him into an empty waiting room, where he huddled in a corner, exhausted. Unable to make himself understood, his only identifying possession was Frederick Treves's card. The police contacted Treves, who went to the station. Recognising Merrick, Treves took him in a hansom cab to the London Hospital. Merrick was admitted for bronchitis, washed, fed and put to bed in a small isolation room in the hospital's attic.

[Part 3]

***

TO KNOW MORE

Wikipedia

Biography 

Britannica 

All that's Interesting

BBC 

History

BONDESON, Jan (2018), Strange Victoriana: Tales of the Curious, the Weird and the Uncanny from Our Victorian Ancestors.

DRIMMER, Frederick (1985), The Elephant Man.

DURBACH, Nadja (2009), The Spectacle of Deformity: Freak Shows and Modern British Culture.

GRAHAM, Professor Pete W.; & OEHLSEHLAEGER, Fritz H. (1992), Articulating the Elephant Man: Joseph Merrick and His Interpreters.

GROVE, Milford (2018), The Secret Life of The Elephant Man.

HOWELL, Michael (2001), The True History of The Elephant Man.

LAMONTAGNE, James (2018), Merrick.

MONTAGU, Ashley (1971), The Elephant Man: A Study in Human Dignity.

SHERMAN, Kenneth (1983), Words for Elephant Man.

SITTON, Jeanette; & STROSHANE, Mae Siu-Wai (2015), Measured By The Soul: The Life of Joseph Carey Merrick.

SPARKS, Christine (1986), The Elephant Man.

TREVES, Frederick (1923), The Elephant Man and Other Reminiscences.

VIGOR-MUNGOVIN, Joanne (2016). Joseph: The Life, Times and Places of the Elephant Man.

WOOLF, John (2019), The Wonders: Lifting the Curtain on the Freak Show, Circus and Victorian Age.

[bopinion]

Book of the month / 2020 / 09 September

I love books. Even though I hardly read any. Because my library is more like a collection of tomes, coffee-table books, limited editions... in short: books in which not "only" the content counts, but also the editorial performance, the presentation, the curating of the topic - the book as a total work of art itself.

The Art of Burning Man

NK Guy

Photo documentary / 2018 / Taschen publishing house

"Once a year, at the close of the summer, from the barren clay of the Nevada desert rises a temporary city. Dust storms and extreme weather. Towering art installations on a vast canvas like no other. This is Burning Man."

I was coming of age and active at the time of big (music) festivals like Rock am Ring or Loveparade. Today I think back with shivers to mud battles, broken toilets, warm beer, traffic chaos and questionable sound quality. In addition, good music is not enough to get me up for an appropriate trip. Today, it takes art to lure me to Kassel or Venice. Too bad that there is no combination of it. Wait ... just a moment! There was something? Yes, exactly: Fusion events! And while my teenage daughter is dreaming of Coachella, it's for me: Burning Man.

The concept fascinates me. Megahappening, spiritual adventure, community experience, desert rave, social experiment, largest stage in the world, surreal sculpture park in the middle of nowhere. Burning Man is one of those events that don't fit into any pigeonhole, that don't have a clear label. Once a year, a community of meanwhile more than 70,000 (and access is limited, tickets have to be raffled due to high demand) artists, activists, art lovers and life artists meet to create a multiverse in the middle of nowhere, a global quantum kaleidoscope of possibility. Black Rock City is the name of the ephemeral city in the desert, 100 miles away from civilization, which disappears after a week. Completely, as if nothing had happened, sustainable, because not a shred of human legacy remains.

Because that is why Burning Man bears this name. Because a work of art that is present every year, a wooden sculpture up to 30 m high that represents a human being, is burned in the end. Other works of art are created especially for this event: A Trojan horse, a mechanical fire-breathing squid, cafés in gigantic teapots, lots of creative temples and crazy vehicles. This festival is the incubator for some of the most extraordinary works of art in public space worldwide. One of the cultural epicenters of our time. It stands for pure, uninhibited artistic expression.

In fact, I know a type of artist who has already set out on this pilgrimage several times. At the end of the 80's, I was in French Canada for a year with, among others, the Japanese Yoshiki Takahashi for an intercultural exchange. The daily newspaper La Presse wrote about the two of us at the time that these two young people interested in culture had fallen in love with Quebec and its lifestyle. Yoshiki wore an earring then, at that time in Japan a clear commitment to the revolutionary. Today, at the age of 50, he wears bright red dreadlocks, leather jackets and jumper boots. And works as a reviewer for alternative films, poster artist for B-movies and author on the dark side of the film scene. So he has remained a revolutionary - and a culture enthusiast. A guy like him is just right for such a crazy desert happening.

All I have left are stories and photos to rave about Burning Man. On the Internet and as a book. Because, no surprise, my favorite publisher Taschen has of course published a book about the event or even more about his art. NK Guy is a Canadian writer and photographer living in the UK. As a writer, he has excelled mainly with reference books on photography and its techniques, such as "The Lens: A Practical Guide for the Creative Photographer". But it seems that his true passion belongs to what can happen in front of the lens of his camera. For a decade and a half, he documented the art of Burning Man every year, accumulating a veritable treasure trove of images from the exuberant artistic creativity of this festival.

Taschen comments: "His dazzling images record these participatory, collective, intrinsically ephemeral installations and happenings in the desert, which exist for no clearer purpose than because someone wanted to express something. The result is testimony to a realm far beyond the ego, commerce, and power play of mainstream cultural output." Put more simply: this book is as cool as its subject.

This year Burning Man was cancelled - like so many other things in the face of the Corona crisis. I very much hope that a relaunch will succeed in the near future. And I will have the lottery money and the lottery luck to get tickets in time. To travel to Nevada. To fulfill a dream. And to pretend together with Yoshiki that we are even younger ;-)

And here is the website of the organizers of this remarkable event:

https://burningman.org

[atths--twice]

Okay! Chapter 30! We are 2/3 of the way through the story now. How crazy is that? I hope you are all enjoying this story and the trip through their breakup and getting back to THEM. Season 11... if we hadn’t gotten that... I can’t even imagine it. 

This is a combo chapter told from both POV’s. Posting this one early as tomorrow will be a two parter... 

Chapter Thirty 

Instructions Not Always Included 

In the aftermath of This, Mulder and Scully arrive home from their crazy escapades. Tired and dirty, they sit down to catch their breath for a second and make a plan to replace the ruined items and take that trip to Ikea.

January 2018

Scully

Leaning her head back on the couch, Scully sighed deeply. She was exhausted, in desperate need of a soak in the tub, and to sleep for about a day. She rolled her neck from side-to-side and Mulder sighed beside her.

“I’m exhausted, Scully. Jesus,” he said with a huge yawn. She closed her eyes and nodded her head.

He turned off his phone to thwart off any chance of simulation Langley 2.0 getting a hold of him. Scully sighed again as she shifted her body, bumping his shoulder with hers. She breathed deeply as Mulder started to snore lightly. Smiling at the familiarity of sitting on the couch with him this way, she relaxed and was asleep in minutes.

She dreamt of stairs that went on forever, her leg muscles on fire. Mulder was just out of sight. She could hear his voice telling her to get those little legs moving. No matter how hard she tried, she never caught up.

Then, she was in a coffee shop, the taste and smell of coffee making her stomach rumble. A muffin on a plate making her mouth water.

In the way back of a bus, he was telling her she looked good, as he looked at her with the eyes that made her feel weak. He leaned in and his lips were on hers, his tongue lazily exploring her mouth. She moaned, and he pulled her into his lap, his hands on her ass. The seat tilted back and her hands went to his neck as she pushed her hips into him. He groaned her name, his mouth at her throat, his hands tugging at her hair.

His mouth moved down her throat and across the skin exposed above her top. He kissed the hollow of her throat, her necklace under his lips pressing into her skin, looking up into her eyes.

“Making out in the back of a public bus. Why, Miss Scully, you are such a naughty girl,” he said in his sultry voice that always made her wet.

“Mmm, you know how naughty I can be, Mulder, don’t act so surprised,” she murmured before devouring his mouth, her tongue licking, teeth nipping.

His hands went to her breasts and she rocked into him again. “God, I’ve missed this,” he groaned as she put her hands on his chest and arched into him. “Your breasts are perfect and fit so well in my hands.”

“Your mouth too,” she moaned and he chuckled. “Mulder, I want your mouth on me.” She looked at him, and he snorted. He did it again, causing her to jump.

She opened her eyes and discovered she was not on a bus, but on the couch at their house. It was later than when they sat down, the light in the house different. They had shifted in their sleep, still sitting up, but at an angle. She was laying against his chest with her arm wrapped loosely around him. His was around her shoulder and he was snoring again. She quietly laughed out a breath at the feelings her dream had stirred up.

No, not just the dream. The dream was only exacerbating what she really did want — him and to be home again. Yet she was also afraid and did not know how to say it. It seemed easy enough, but since when was anything between them easy.

Since they started working together again, she felt a pull from him. It ramped up recently, a growing desire she had denied for too long. After she was attacked, almost goddamn killed, they came here. He would not hear of her being alone, wanting to be sure she was okay. She relented, not wanting to fully admit how much the seizures and the attack had rattled her.

When they arrived, he offered her his bed, their bed, but she could not face sleeping there. It would have been too much. Too many memories of lovemaking, cuddling, late night discussions, laughter, happiness, and tears over a patient or William. The memories of the last time she was in bed with him and what it represented still hung over her. No, she was not ready to face those feelings.

Instead, she stayed in a room ten feet from him that may as well have been ten miles. She slept in the twin bed they had originally bought for her mother, on the off chance she ever wanted to stay over after a visit. She went to bed that first night emotional and in desperate need of sleep.

Over the next few days, they settled into a temporary cohabitation. The ease at which they did, was not surprising to her. Content in the knowledge that together they knew the other was safe, they let down their walls, little by little, and slipped back into what was comfortable and familiar. She missed being there and living with him in the familiarity of that little unremarkable house.

The nights in the house were the hardest. She would lay in that small bed with her heart pounding, knowing she could simply walk across the hall and go to him. One night she gathered up the courage and stood outside their bedroom door. Her hand on the doorknob, head resting against the wood as she decided on her next move. She knew he would not refuse her. She knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt. He would welcome her and give her what she needed. He would take pity on her fear and want to make it better.

She did not want his pity, though. She did not want it years ago, when opportunities presented themselves during their early working years and the answer could have been found in the solace of sex. It would have led them nowhere but down a path of heartache. She did want pity to bring them together then, and she did not want it to be what brought them back together now. Her heart heavy, she went back to her own bed, lonely and longing for him.  

She left the house the next day and went back to her place. It felt cold and empty when she got there. Everything in its place and organized. No mess, no character. No Mulder cracking seeds or yelling at the Knicks games. No soul in that house. No happiness, love, or memories.

No Mulder.

He sent her a text message later as she sat and looked around her soulless home. He said he was engulfed in a loud silence now that she was gone, and she smiled sadly. That little house must have felt as empty to him as hers did to her. She sent a message back saying she did not know how she would be content with the ease of finding things at her place, after practically needing a hunting license to find things there with the clutter being so out of hand. He responded with a smiley face emoji that made her grin. Mulder did not do emojis. He was old school.

Seeing that happy emoji left her smiling as she went to bed that night. But when she was under the covers, alone, she sighed. Her bed was empty. She missed their bed. The sheets at her lonely house were soft, but not like the ones at home that were worn in and full of memories. They did not have the same smell, no matter if the same soap was used. And the sheets at her place did not hold the man she loved more than anything and missed with an ache that was excruciating.

Those recent memories fresh in her head as she lay against him now on the couch, her dream still feeling very real, and hearing his heartbeat, she sighed and closed her eyes. He smelled so good, even after a couple of days without a shower. This was the scent she loved most. The one of chasing down a suspect, late night stakeouts, and long car rides. This was her Mulder, the one who drove her crazy in every possible way.

He was still snoring softly as she grew bold and ran her fingers across his chest. The firmness of it. the same and yet different. He stepped up his workout routine recently and he was more muscular than before. How she avoided stripping him of his clothes, she did not know. She traced a heart opposite the one she could hear beating in her ear and closed her eyes, her fingers still.

He shifted and stopped his snoring, clearing his throat. His hand on her upper arm tightened and then relaxed, as he took a deep breath. She stayed still, not quite ready to move. Hesitantly, he moved his hand from her shoulder to her head, where he began to massage and run his fingers through her hair.

“What time is it?” he sleepily asked, letting her know that he knew she was awake. He always knew.

“I don’t know,” she breathed, still not moving, her eyes closed.

“The light is different, it’s been a couple of hours at least,” he yawned, his fingers at her neck. She smiled as their thoughts were the same upon waking.

“Yeah,” she answered, and wrapped her arm around him, snuggling closer. His fingers stilled and then stroked her hair again. Neither spoke, but they understood that this was okay, and they would welcome these little steps.

A few minutes went by before she moved, starting to sit up and disentangle from him. His hand slid from her hair and down her arm as she sat up. He looked at her and she saw the question in his eyes, but she knew she needed to leave. The past couple of days, her dream, their cuddly nap, she needed to put some distance between them, even if what she really wanted to do was kiss him until he made that noise she loved and his fingers dug into her hips.

“I should get going,” she said quietly, her eyes on his lips. He nodded, the hand that was in her hair, now on his chest. So badly she wanted to lay back down and be held by him. To go upstairs, feel him inside of her, and then fall asleep in his arms.

Instead, she stood up and cleared her throat, rubbing her hands across her thighs. He sat up and kept his eyes on her, unnerving her, and making her ability to leave harder.

“This place is a mess, I could help you clean up?” she suggested and he shook his head.

“Nah, I’ll get to it, but I desperately need a shower and some more sleep,” he said, standing up and stretching. She looked away as his stomach was slightly exposed, the temptation to touch it too overwhelming.

She stepped over the files and other mess on her way toward the front door. He walked with her and sighed. “Those fuckers, seriously. I really liked that dining room table. I mean, I really liked it,” he said and she turned around to give him a look, knowing exactly what he meant.

“It was a very good table. Nice and sturdy,” she replied saucily. He raised his eyebrows at her and grinned. “You’ll need to take that trip to Ikea and see if you can find another like it.” He nodded and looked longingly at her.

Go now, Dana.

“You sure-”

“Would you-”

They both laughed and she gestured for him to continue. “I was going to ask if you wanted to accompany me to Ikea? Later today, after we’ve both showered, and perhaps burned these clothes?” he asked, making a face. She laughed and nodded.

“How about you take inventory and we can meet up to grab dinner first and then drive over to Ikea together? No sense taking two cars over there,” she suggested. He nodded with a smile and she smirked. “I’ll touch base with you after I’ve burned these clothes and smell squeaky clean again.”

“I didn’t want to say anything, but yeah … you do smell bad,” he admitted.

“You just cost yourself an ice cream from Ikea,” she said with a shrug.

“Oh come on!” he cried and she shrugged again, her eyebrows going up as well.

“You’ll have to do something to change my mind, otherwise …” She lifted her hands and shrugged once more before opening the door and heading out to her car.

“I’ll change your mind!” She heard him yell as she walked down the steps and she smiled, completely aware he would be successful.

And he would grin like a child as he ate his treat, knowing full well he knew how to get exactly what he wanted. She shook her head again as she drove away, a huge smile plastered on her face.

_________________________

Mulder

Mulder grinned as he went upstairs to shower and sleep for a few more hours. Waking up to Scully cuddled beside him was like old times and also something new. They were getting back to them, slowly but surely, and the past couple of days felt like they had never been apart.

He stripped and stepped into the shower, rinsing away the recent sweat, worry, and fear. What a whirlwind it had been, and yet he grinned. Yeah, it was scary, nerve wracking, and confusing, but it was also a rush. Like the old days- thinking on their feet, running from the bad guys, just them against the world.

Washed and feeling better, he stepped out and dried off. Slipping on a pair of boxers, he flopped onto the bed, and was asleep in no time.

He woke up a few hours later. The sun was still out, but definitely closer to evening than morning. He stood up and stretched, put on some clothes, and headed downstairs. Looking around at the mess, he sighed, no desire within him to deal with it. He stepped over and across the mess and went into the kitchen.

The table was destroyed, not salvageable in the slightest, unless bullet holes made for a talking point. Broken remnants from the quick meal of soup and crackers they enjoyed, was all over the floor. He shook his head and sighed again. What a pain in the ass.

“I’ll miss you old friend. We certainly had some good times, huh?” he said as he picked up the table and moved it against the wall. Meals, game nights, and sexual activities took place on that table. Shaking his head again as the memories presented themselves, he started to clean up the broken dishes.

Adding a few new plates, bowls, and glasses to the list, he went into the living room. A broken lamp and a small table. Not to mention the splintered wood on the stairs and the blown apart door. Well, that he would have to deal with later. Ikea did not carry everything. The landline rang, shattering the quiet of the house, and he jumped at the sound.

“Hello?”

“Mulder, it’s me." Came Scully’s voice, and he smiled.

“Hey, Scully.”

“Mulder, I’ve been trying your cell. Did you forget to turn it back on?” she asked in her Scullyest of tones.

“Ahh, I may have,” he said, walking over to the couch and retrieving his phone from the coffee table where he sat it earlier. “What’s up, Scully?” he asked as he restarted his phone.

“We’re still on for Ikea, right?”

“Yeaaaaah,” he said distractedly, as he saw he had four new texts from her.

4:45

Mulder, waking up from a nap, have to fix my hair as I fell asleep with it wet. It looks worse than those old shoulder padded suits I used to wear.

5:10

Mulder? Are you awake? Hair finally good, gonna put on some makeup and then I’m ready to roll.

5:20

Mulder? Mulder? Muuulllllldeeeeeerrrr?

5:30

Seriously? Come on. Sushi?

The last message was followed by six sushi emojis and he smiled. Scully and those silly emojis. She loved them and he used them sometimes because he knew it made her laugh and roll her eyes at the “old school” Mulder trying to be hip and cool.

“Mulder, you there?” she asked with a sigh.

“Yeah, just reading your texts. Sorry, I didn’t have the phone turned on. We’re still on, just made a list of what’s needed. And sushi? Eh, how about tacos from Eduardo’s? I’m not feeling sushi tonight,” he said as he put on his shoes and grabbed his jacket.

“Fine,” she sighed. “But I still want to try that sushi place I was telling you about. The automated one. It’s supposed to be good.”

“I don’t know, Scully,” he told her as he got in the car and turned it on. “Automated sushi? Sounds like an accident waiting to happen.” She laughed and he grinned. He loved hearing her happy.

“All right, meet you at Eduardo’s in thirty minutes,” she said and hung up. He smiled again and turned on the radio.

An hour and a half later, they were sitting in the Ikea parking lot. “This is perfect,” she said. “They close soon, so there’s no time for your usual dilly-dallying. We’ll get in, get what’s needed, and get out.”

“Excuse me, Scully,” he scoffed, getting out of the car. “But you’re the one who’s always insistent on looking in the faux homes, so shut up.” She rolled her eyes as she stepped next to him.

“Whatever you say, Mr. As-is,” she countered.

“Hey, we found some good stuff in there, and I didn’t have to put anything together that time. So who’s laughing now?” he said with a bump to her side. She nodded and smiled but said nothing, not even a comment about his slip of the use of the word we. Or maybe she heard and she was happy with it.

He was not going to think too much about it. Instead, he would enjoy a normal night with her and not one where they were being chased down. She stepped to the escalator and looked at him.

“Start upstairs and work down?” she asked.

“You comin’ onto me, Scully?” he joked and she raised her eyebrows, giving him a look he could not quite place. “Yeah I need to check out the tables, then we will be able to as you say work down.” He grinned at her, and she lightly chuckled.

Heading directly to the tables, he was overjoyed to find the exact same one they had before, minus the carnage it experienced recently. He grinned at her as he wrote down the stall number on a piece of paper, his mind already imagining breaking the new one in, in due time. Picking out a small side table was easy and they headed downstairs.

The dish area created a discussion. He was fine with the plain easygoing everyday items and she thought something nicer would be better.

“Why nicer when these are fine?” he asked, holding up the blue bowls he found.

“Why not nicer when they are almost the same price? They don’t have to be considered nicer when you use them everyday, then they are just the norm,” she answered, showing him the white plates she found. “Look at the depth of the bowl, you could get a lot of salad in there …”

“Or ice cream,” he added as he set his choice down and took the one from her hand. “Okay, let’s get these.” He waited to see if she would correct him or say anything about his assumptions of them, but she only smiled.

He picked out a set of all new dishes instead of just replacing the ones that broke. If she liked the fancier everyday dishes, he would purchase all the store had to offer, if it meant she was enjoying a meal in their home again. She raised her eyebrows, but said nothing as he placed it in the cart they had grabbed.

“Now, let's go find the matching fancy everyday glasses that go with these plates,” he said, walking toward them as she rolled her eyes.

He picked out the plain smooth glasses and she nodded. Grinning, he set them in the cart and she smiled back at him. It was a perfect combination, just like them. She classed up everything, including him.

A light was quickly decided on, and they headed for the warehouse. Row after row of items were passed until the ones they needed were discovered close to each other. He added the table to the cart first, it sticking out at a funky angle, but small enough that they did not need a flat cart.

The side table was next and as he went to put it in the cart, he saw a woman trying to add a box to her flat cart and having some trouble.

“Here, let me help you,” he said as he walked over to her. She thanked him profusely and they soon had it added to her collection of boxes. Thanking him again, she walked away.

“My my my, you will go to great lengths for that ice cream won’t you?” Scully said, shaking her head and crossing her arms, as he walked back to her. “You mentioned it upstairs, now you’re helping those in need, I mean …” She shrugged and started to walk away.

He laughed and grabbed the side table and added it to the cart, before he followed her down the aisle. “Told you I’d change your mind.” She smiled at him, and they walked toward the checkout line.

Considering the hour, the lines were not too long. While he waited, she went to get the ice creams. When she came back, and handed his to him, he grinned.

“Ahhh, Scully,” he said and took a big bite. She shuddered as she did every time she watched him do that, always telling him it was amazing he never got brain freeze.

“Good evening,” the checker greeted them and scanned their items. “Are you interested in adding help to assemble the items you're purchasing today?”

Mulder glanced at Scully, and she frowned. “Seriously? A table and a smaller table? Surely you can handle that? Well, I suppose there was the bookshelf …”

“Hey,” he replied with a wounded tone and the checker laughed. “What exactly is it and when would it happen?” He asked as he looked at her.

“It’s a service provided, for a fee, to put together your items. And I can give you the number to check on availability,” she explained.

“No, I think I’ll see how it goes and if I run into any trouble, I’ll give them a call. But thank you,” he answered. He paid for the items and they walked out to the car. Handing her his ice cream to hold, he loaded them into the car and closed the door.

She gave him his ice cream back as he got in the car and he smiled his thanks. They drove back to her car parked at Eduardo’s in comfortable silence. Pulling up to it, she unbuckled her seatbelt and smiled at him.

“This was fun, and definitely better than the last forty eight hours,” she said, reaching for the door handle. He laughed and nodded as she opened the door. Stepping out, she turned around. “Make sure you tighten every screw on that table, Mulder. We wouldn’t want it to not be sturdy.” She smiled and raised an eyebrow before shutting the door, leaving him completely dumbfounded.

He waited until she drove away to head back home, his mind buzzing as to what her words meant. Any time she flirted with him, it left him dazed and tripping over his tongue. No matter that they were all but legally married, her flirtatiousness always thrilled him. She definitely seemed to be coming onto him this time.

Getting on the highway, he made a promise to himself. That table was going to be the sturdiest table ever. It would be ready to prove to her how sturdy when the chance arose, or he would die trying. No outside help would be required, he was going to tackle this task on his own.

A woman’s pleasure was on the line, for God’s sake.

The stakes had never been higher.

_________________________________________________

I love this chapter. This was a fantastic episode and full of super shippy moments. So many sweet and sexy things were witnessed.

[amygeeunit]

The Quarantine Chronicles: These Last Five Years & What I Thought I Wanted

There’s nothing like being alone in your own thoughts at 1:00am in the midst of a global pandemic... Instead of aimlessly scrolling through my Instagram timeline or checking my bank account with all the money I have saved from not going out, I’ve had time to think about what the 28 year old, almost 29 year old Amy needs versus wants...

I think in high school or at some point in our lives we have all fallen victim to “By the time I’m age this, I want to have x, y and z.” At 16, I thought at 25 I would have my life 85% figured out. Pretty funny concept now that you think about it, right? I actually laugh at how naive or how troublesome it is to have these unrealistic goals and tag an age onto them... I pictured myself living in a nice apartment, potentially dating someone, or if not just focusing on my career. Fast forward to 2020, besides this year being a complete clusterf*ck, I’ve had extra time to sit down and think of these last five years in a nutshell.

All I remember from 2015 was going to Vegas, still working in retail, having foot surgery and getting into CSUF. The rest is foggy because it’s been five years. Huh? I thought 2015 was last year...

2016 seemed to be one of my better years. I started at CSUF, went to Iceland, interned at Rastaclat, ended up getting a job at Rastaclat, entered into my first serious relationship, moved back out to Orange County and felt like at 24 - 25 I was killing the game (or so I thought.)

2017 wasn’t too bad. I graduated from CSUF in the spring, went to Oahu, continued on in my relationship and spent a majority of my time focusing on my career.

2018 is when life started to get real interesting. My pup, Ben G, passed away while I was out in Illinois visiting my cousin (long story to save for another post,) I started a new job at Pretty Great LLC, traveled to escape 99% of the time, started taking birth control that made me bloated, emotional and feel weird and moved back to Moreno Valley. During this time, my relationship started to crumble due to lack of communication, the wave of grief I was experiencing and everything in else in between that couples go through. I started going to therapy in July and in August, I had my first panic attack. In September, I decided I needed to get as far away from my life as possible. I booked a flight to Japan to visit Sarah since she was stationed out in Yokosuka. Yokosuka has a naval base and is about an hour from Tokyo. I talked to my boss at work a few weeks prior and asked for a week and a half off. Luckily, he was one of the most understanding and best people I have ever worked for in my career so far. Most bosses would have told you to “Get over it” or “Figure it out.” Rob Myers was a saving grace for me that year for letting me have my time off to not think about life. 

While I was in Japan, I remember the time change messing me up quite a bit. I think it took around three days for me to finally be okay without passing out in the middle of the day. In short, this trip changed me. It changed how I traveled, it changed how I process emotions, it changed my outlook on life, it changed many things for me. I came back from this trip and my relationship was virtually over. I didn’t know how to feel, I didn’t know what to do, it just sort of fizzled like a candle using its last part of the wick. October came and I spent my birthday in Big Bear with my parents. I remember crying in the cabin when we got back from Octoberfest. I don’t think it really hit me that I was single, with no friends around and that 27 was already a shit show on day 1. I visited my best guy friend and his sisters in Arizona at the end of October to make up for the previous weekend. I had no idea that November could get any worse for me, but it did. It was two days before Thanksgiving, November 20th, 2018. 

I was driving from Moreno Valley to Santa Ana one morning on my way to work. I took my normal route, left at my normal time, a pretty standard commute. About 2 miles from work, I was at a stop light. At this stop light I waited for about 30 seconds while the other cars went. The light turned green. As I was pressing my gas to accelerate, out of nowhere, a semi truck plows its way through the intersection and t-bones my driver’s side. I remember screaming. I remember it being like a scene from a Final Destination movie where the victim doesn’t know that death or uncertainty is upon them. In that moment, I remember thinking “This is it.” My reflexes shifted real quick and that was it. I remember pulling off to the side of the road leading up to the 5 freeway. I felt like my soul left my body for seconds then came back. I was shaking. I called my dad first and let him know what had happened. I called my mom and then the insurance company. I exchanged words and information with the driver. I remember being upset, but I couldn’t yell or get any words out. I just went by the protocol of what to do when you get involved with an accident. Sure, I have been rear ended before, but never t-boned and let alone by a damn semi truck. This accident passed, I was awarded some half ass money and in the midst of it all, I remember being so mentally drained that I cried out for help on Instagram Stories... I remember going through survivors guilt. I remember saying to myself “Why am I still here? There are people that die in accidents or by drunk/distracted drivers all the time... Why do I still have to live this life of pain and suffering?” In my mind and in 2018, I never knew how to take pain and suffering very well. I didn’t know it would shape me for what these next couple years would throw at me. 

December came and went. It was like a sigh of relief for me to know that the vicious cycle of the 2018 rollercoaster was coming to an end. At this point, I kind of gave zero f*cks as to what happened in life. A few days before Christmas, I visited my Grandma in Illinois and my grandparents’ grave site. I think my trip to Illinois was some type of closure to my 2018 year. I hadn’t been back to Illinois since my Grandma’s funeral in 2011. It was a cold and frigid trip. It was the first trip I had ever driven by myself. The only cool thing was running into Ja Rule at the Palm Springs Airport (before the Fyre Festival documentary came out, otherwise I would have yelled at him.) He was on my flight to Chicago. Jeffrey Atkins, you sneaky motherfucker, you! How I wish I would have known about you tricking people with that one guy... I ordered a “Survived 2018″ crewneck from this small online business store, went to Disneyland with my mom on Christmas and threw caution to the wind.

2019 was interesting, but not as heavy as 2018. I called 2019 the year where I  “rushed to get back to normalcy.” I realized the commute to PG was getting tiring pretty fast, I accepted being single and got back into dance. Dance saved my life, point blank. Whether it was subbing, teaching, training or being on a team, it brought back a sense of joy and also established new friendships along the way. I started a job at a marketing agency in March 2019 that was a short commute and about 6 months in, I realized this was something I wasn’t a fan of. It took me a while to realize that that was okay to feel uneasy about the jobs I once knew.

If I had to rate 2019 on a point scale, I would say it was a 6/10. I felt like the last few months I was suppose to be back to normal and healed from a lot of things I kept to myself. Dating people was weird because 1. I felt behind. What I mean by that was I thought by age 27 - 28, I would have met my “person,” by now. As I seen other friends get proposed to, plan their weddings and start their families, I started to feel like the odd woman out. Was there something wrong with me? Am I that complicated or hard to love? Are my values not aligning with people I like? Am I going to be that person that gets married at 40 or even at all? Will I always be the friend and not the potential girlfriend or wife? Who knows? 2. The reciprocity factor of it all and setting boundaries. 3. I don’t think I ever got over everything that had happened in my first relationship because we never cheated on each other, our trust when out without each other was never questioned and there was a best friend component in it. I was filled with regret, frustration and memories I forced myself to black out even after going to therapy and journaling it. Fact: I dread my birthday each year. I don’t like my birthday in general, but October I have mixed emotions about. The anniversary of my Grandma’s death is on 10/13, my Grandpa’s birthday is 10/14 and my birthday is 10/20. I spent the last couple months of 2019 drinking more than usual, especially after my friend, Beka, passed away suddenly in November. December came and went. I had my first trip to Puerto Vallarta and enjoyed some much needed beach time. I had this “idea” that I would move to the east coast with Sarah because I wanted to start over. That idea went out the window. I ended 2019 with buying a new car after having paid off my Kia Forte back in 2016.

It’s now 2020 and boy... It has been a shit show for the world I feel like. I can’t even begin to describe what a rollercoaster of emotions everyone is feeling right now, but I do have one word for me personally: gratitude. I started off the year so uneasy with finding out my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer again for a second time. I remember going into February with no expectations, yet I had expectations (weird right?) Without going into too much detail I felt like that quote by DJ Khaled saying “Congratulations, you played ya self!” I was constantly frantic about work, friendships, relationships, my future, dance, my parents, basically everything. I was a walking, talking ball of stress. March came around and I downloaded Bumble (yup, I went there) and matched with a really nice guy who actually knew two of my nurse friends. Then, COVID-19 was in full effect in the states and suddenly the idea of dating or wanting any kind of human interaction made me cringe... I had to politely excuse myself and move on. I checked in on friends and they checked in on me. 

I’ve spent more time with my parents, more time on myself and then it finally clicked: I am where I need to be in this exact moment. I don’t want to date anyone in quarantine, I don’t want to understand or have expectations for another human like I’ve been searching for these last 6 months. What the fuck, Amy? You are everything you need right now and it is not in another person. I’ve danced in quarantine, I’ve cried in quarantine, I’ve laughed in quarantine, I’ve journaled in quarantine, I’ve found myself again in quarantine. As easy as it sounds for most people, the concept is quite large. Since I was 18 years old, I have ALWAYS wanted to live by myself and try it out. It’s ten years later and in the midst of this uncertain time period, I know that 2020 is the year that I finally accomplish this. So, in short, 2021 I’ll be back on the “dating” field or whatever, but 2020 is my year to literally work. on. myself. This includes: my relationship with myself, my relationship with my friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers, etc., my health regiment, my mental health, my physical health, my emotional health, I think you get the point, right? In a time where some of us feel alone, I feel secure. My days vary and maybe I’ll post something tomorrow where I say “That post was trash, quarantine was terrible,” and while it is on most days, I’m so grateful to connect more deeply with people on a spiritual and conversational level. I was tired of hiding behind my day-to-day busy routine when I finally came to terms with myself.

We are all in this together. We are all processing what we need and want. I use this blog as a way to express and share what so many people keep to themselves. Maybe you can relate, maybe you think I’m too out there. Either way, to each their own. 

Until next time.

[morbid-n-macabre]

I first wrote about this case back in 2016, never dreaming that it would ever be solved. Somehow I missed the news that last year there was finally an arrest, it's solved! How exciting!

On November 18th of 1987, 20 year old Jay Cook borrowed his daddy's brown Ford van, grabbed his girlfriend, 18 year old Tanya Van Cuylenborg, and the couple headed off to Seattle, Washington. Jay's father had asked his son to take the trip in order to pick up a part for the family business's furnace, and the young lovers had decided this was the perfect opportunity for a romantic getaway! They'd been together for approximately six months at this time; they were young and in love, this was exciting for them. They planned to stay overnight in the van, pick up the much needed part first thing the the morning, tour Seattle for a bit, then head on home. Tanya even bought a new camera for the trip; photography was the teen's passion, it was what she was planning to do for a living.

Sometime after 5 pm the couple boarded a ferry from Victoria to Port Angeles; at approximately 9:30 pm they stopped at a deli in Allyn, Washington, and a couple hours later it's believed that they boarded a second ferry, in Bremerton. Sadly, the couple never did show up to retrieve the part for the furnace which they'd traveled all that way for.

After a day or so of not hearing from them, both families began to worry; on the 20th Tanya and Jay were officially reported missing.

On November 24th Tanya's partially nude body was found in Bellingham, Washington. The teen had been bound with zip ties, sexually assaulted, shot in the back of her head, and her remains discarded in a ditch near a wooded area. The very next day, on the 25th, Police discovered some of the couple's belongings beneath the porch of a Bellingham tavern called Essie's; this included Tanya's wallet and photo ID, and the keys to the van which was found just a few blocks away from a Greyhound station. Zip ties, disposable gloves, and a box of .380 ammo had all been left in or nearby the van by the killer. Tanya's camera has yet to be recovered, which is a shame as there's no telling what sort of story her photos would tell.

Since the boyfriend was nowhere to be found, police originally believed him to be a suspect; they soon realized that was not the case. On the 26th Jay's brutalized remains were discovered more than 60 miles away, near Monroe, Washington. The young man had been beaten about the head with a stone, a pack of cigarettes shoved down his throat, and he'd been strangled; some reports claim Jay was found with a dog's choker collar around his neck, others say it was twine. A blue blanket which did not belong to either of the victims was found draped across his corpse.

It is believed that the couple's killer first noticed them while on the ferry; he'd likely stalked them, just waiting for the right moment to strike. There's also the possibility that the trusting young people had offered their future killer a ride; either way, they had likely been oblivious that anything was amiss until the moment their killer decided to strike. Police interviewed many suspects, but they never could positively identify their man; this heinous double murder grew cold.

As if Jay and Tanya's families weren't dealing with enough, both sets of grieving parents began to receive hallmark-type greeting cards in the mail; these were often sent on holidays such as father's day, mother's day, and Christmas. They had been mailed from various big cities throughout the US, and the victim's names were always signed at the bottom. Police ran the DNA on the envelope of these cards and concluded that it did not match the DNA of the person who slaughtered Tanya; for the longest time they pondered the possibility that they were looking for two suspects. Eventually the person sending these cards was tracked down: it was a transient with mental health issues who is not believed to have been involved in the murders at all.

Last April investigators decided to run the killer's DNA through a genealogy website, just as they did with the Original Nightstalker. Police were able to come up with a composite sketch, and eventually they tracked down their killer using his extended family's DNA. After all these years, they finally had a name and a face! Police quietly hunted down a 55 year old SeaTac, Washington trucker named William Earl Talbott II, a man who had not been on their radar until now. He had been 24 at the time of the murders, and living just one mile away from the spot in which Jay's corpse was discovered! Though William was not a convicted felon, he had been in trouble with the law for assault/battery; for this William had been sentenced to some anger management courses. Investigators nonchalantly followed their suspect around until he discarded of a drinking cup; when they ran the DNA on said cup against their killer's DNA, it was a match! On May 18th of 2018 William was arrested and charged with the first degree murder of Tanya; eventually they were able to charge him with Jay's murder as well. Can you imagine? He most certainly had believed he'd gotten away with it!

Just a couple of months ago William Talbot was found guilty of killing both Jay and Tanya, he is now serving two life sentences; this killer is finally where he belongs, and his victim's families can hopefully find some peace. He maintains his innocence.

Now, can we discuss DNA for a sec? Have you paid to have your dna tested, or are you thinking about having it done? Have any of your relatives? I think it's fantastic that these cold cases are being solved and the killers brought to justice with DNA; if it stopped there, it would be perfect! But it doesn't; current laws restricting the sharing of your genetic makeup are very narrow. Once you pay to hand it over, these companies essentially own your info; they are not typically bound by HIPAA the way your doctors are. Your DNA may be used against not only you, but against your distant blood relatives, and we are not just talking about solving murder/sexual assault cases. And to those of you who are sending off your dna under fictitious names (that's fairly common) it doesn't matter; they can easily identify you, John Doe. It's all kinda worrisome. Here's a really good article on how your dna can be used against you, your distant cousins, or even the great grandkids you may have fifty years from now. Again, we're not just talking about solving murders, which I am 100% good with.

https://gizmodo.com/what-dna-testing-companies-terrifying-privacy-policies-1819158337