#3 am regrets about life decisions coming in and it's only 11 pm

[will-ruadh]

I should've fucking stayed in Prague

[creatingnikki]

What 2020 has taught me

1. Those things that seem like content for sci fi or pure fiction are actually things that can happen. To the entire world. Like a pandemic. And to you. Like a seizure.

2. Everyone is sad. Everyone is struggling. In different ways and in different measures. Makes no one special. But you still get to feel sad for yourself and be compassionate towards others. But it's also okay to draw boundaries because you're everyone too. Remember, not special? You're sad and trying to deal with it too.

3. Every job you have will not add value to your life. It will not teach you new things or give you people you'll want to stay in touch with. Sometimes some jobs will only be a season of your life. Even if the season lasts for over a year. It's okay.

4. You know how you thought picking a college and picking a major and picking your first job and picking a specific industry were all the career decisions you had to make? Yeah, no. It's never a one time thing. You could have a job as a marketing strategist for two years and then want nothing to do with it. And then you'll have to make another decision and work towards it. So I'd like to call it moves. It's like chess. You always have to make a move. And it always has to be strategic, yes. But the truth is in your 20s it probably won't. Even if you try. And as long as you're trying, you'll be fine.

5. You may have different sorts of friends like the one you only talk to about kdrama with or the one you met when you went book shopping alone and the friendship is all about books really. That's normal. But irrespective of why and how you became friends with them, if you consider them a friend then there has to be this basic sense of care, respect and empathy for each other. I don't care what people want to say. If you're faced with the worst trauma of your life, the least your friends can do is check up on you regularly. On text. And if they don't even do that then guess what? They aren't friends. They are acquaintances. Social media and quick promises make everyone seem like your friend. But they are not. They are just nice people who will be nice to you for specific periods and then wander away like you are a speck of dust floating in their journey.

6. You speak a lot and write and you express yourself and you’re emotionally mature but oh my god. You still hold in so much. You’ve known that at a subconscious level and over the last year people - experts - have told you that. You have also realized that you make your pain and sadness about pettier things because dealing with them, admitting about them, sharing that with your friends, is easier. You do that so that you don’t have to deal with the real stuff. Because it’s so damn painful. And you don’t know how to do it. Yet. Acknowledging is the first step anyway right? I know you’re confused about how exactly to let go of all this pain and sadness and feel lighter, and you know that talking to people really isn’t the solution, but I also know you’re smart enough to figure it out. 

7. Talking about being smart...you know you’re different than others. Better. Special. Smarter. None of these are the right words. And you never voiced this out until this year because you knew it would make you come across as narcissistic. Some would say it’s because you’re an INFJ. But my mother once said that this may be the first time we are consciously living life but our souls are old and so our instinct and the things we know but can’t explain are because this isn’t the first time for our souls. The connections we feel with certain people, the reason we are so different from our siblings who grew up in the exact same environment with the exact same opportunities, our sense of right and wrong...it’s all because our souls learn and grow with each time and that’s why we are who we are. I think that’s probably how I can explain what I have always felt. That I am living in a different universe than everybody but I have to pretend to be in this one and dumb my emotions and thoughts down. Maybe that’s because my soul has lived through thousands of years while most around me are living their 100th life. Or maybe I’m just narcissistic, who knows?

8. You shift between talking in first person and second person but that’s because that’s how you think in your head and talk to yourself and live your life. You ask yourself things and you accuse yourself of things and you apologize to yourself and you comfort yourself. I think that seeps into your writing and the changing of the voices. 

9. You always genuinely thought that you’d not be afraid of dying. And then what happened this October proved you shockingly wrong. I know it’s not so much being afraid of dying but the unbearable pain of knowing what that would mean to your family. So you have to be more prudent and less reckless with your life and the choices you make. 

10. Regret is not something that plagued you but this year the realisation and pain of giving away your favourite books from your own personal collection to people you care about as a show of affection and them turning out to be ass holes or losers has hit you so hard. So, yes. No more of that shit. I really fucking want my copy of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower back. UGH. With the childhood picture of me inside it! 

11. Sleeping at 5 am in the morning stops being fun or romanticised when you realise just how much harm it does to your body and mind. Literally every single disease and disorder can be traced back to a shitty fucking sleep schedule. It’s not just the hours you sleep but also the quality of sleep and the time you sleep at. So yes sleeping for 8 hours is healthy but not if that 8 hours is from 5 am to 12 pm. ‘Not a morning person’ is just another construct of capitalism and you don’t realise how many industries profit from having you believe that and staying up late or all night. Entertainment. Food. Alcohol. Pharma. Biologically and naturally you are a bloody morning person. And you don’t need 3 cups of coffee to begin your day or your phone notifications to get you to open your eyes and brain to wake up. 

12. Sometimes you really have to stop taking people so seriously. I know the idea of treating people as casual friends or entertainment makes you want to fight that concept but you know what? Some people like Pineapple are ever only going to be good for that. No matter how much they ‘grow and change’. So keep them in the background for whenever you want some entertainment or drama. But please don’t clear up your busy schedule to meet them or send them gifts on their birthday. 

13. If you don’t have the fruit juice or green juice within half an hour of making it then you are losing out on its most optimum health benefits. Or when you remove the white stringy stuff from oranges. That’s where all the actual nutrients are.

14. I am privileged and so are most of the people I interact with. The global pandemic has been hell for a lot of people around the world. Health wise. Financially. Losing people they care about. But I was blessed enough to be safe at home and have a job that I could smoothly do from home and not have a pay cut or 4-hour long Zoom meetings. So honestly when my friends tell me 2020 has been bad I have to stop and ask them why? Yes, the crippling uncertainty and anxiety is not something that can be undermined. But most people I know had very great positive life-changing milestones this year like moving away to another country for college or taking their first solo trip or getting married. So I have to ask them. Because I am not going to agree that everybody’s 2020 and pandemic narrative is the same. 

15. Money gets spent really quickly. When I left my job earlier this year because of personal issues, I thought I had enough savings to last me a year. Full disclosure - I mean to last my personal expenses because I live with my parents. But it didn’t even last me 3 months. And so to use money wisely and buy things that provide utility than instant gratification is something to follow. Also buying one pair of really expensive but quality shoes is better than buying 5 pairs of affordable but low quality shoes that will have a very short life and force you to buy more. I know that higher price doesn’t always mean better quality but sometimes it does. And as an adult now I want to do the whole quality > quantity thing even with things and not just people. 

16. Everyone in their 20s went through a crisis of what they should do with their lives and their careers and it’s not unique to the 21st century and the challenges of today. Whether it was Vincent Van Gogh in the 19th century or Sylvia Plath in the 20th, every single person, as brilliant as them went through the torture of making these decisions and living with their consequences. You may think I picked wrong examples for they both killed themselves but you know what? They were the people who really want to live more than anyone. They knew what life meant. And maybe if mental health help was more accessible back then their lives would be longer and more peaceful. 

17. Telling people everything is overrated. You don’t have to talk about every single thing that’s on your mind or that’s going on in your life. The good and the bad and the mediocre. You have to be mindful about how much of yourself you’re giving away. 

18. Re-watch Suits when people at work feel intimidating because the confidence + negotiation tactics that they show can actually work irl cos at the end of the day no matter in what position you’re dealing with people who have emotions and fears and insecurities and desires. You understand how to leverage that nobody can get the better of you. 

19. You belong to yourself. No matter how much you love someone or how much they have done for you or how much you owe them - you belong to yourself. You can’t live your life for someone else. Everyone belongs to themselves first. No relationship, no promise, no circumstance should make you feel like you have to give up your life and make it all about them. If and when the time comes to die for them, go ahead. Take a bullet. Donate that kidney. Write them in your will. But live your life for yourself. And let them live theirs. 

20. Twenty three was a challenging year. When it started you claimed the age 23 sounds boring and insignificant. Guess it proved you wrong. It hurt so much now. But that only means you’ll look back on it later and see how it added so much wisdom and resilience to your being. It doesn’t mean that it makes all the bad things that happened to you okay. Or that you should be grateful to them. Fuck no. It means that you should be kinder to yourself because at the end of the day, your mind and body find it in themselves to deal with whatever is thrown their way. They have your back. It’s time you learn to sit straight. 

[simsadventures]

Gilded: Chapter 3: Power Over Me

Mobster!Steve x Reader

Summary: What more can you do than have a rad bachelorette party and then move to a house full of mobsters. It all sounds fun, right? Well, not according to your experience. 

Warnings: mobster AU, drinking, swearing, surveillance, angst, smidge of fluff, violence, mention of bruises, fear 

Word Count: 5737

A/N: A little late, I know I know, but I wanted to make sure the chapter was exactly how I wanted it. I keep thinking I will get to the wedding, and then some situations occur and I know I have to concentrate on them a little more. Than being said, I think we will finally see the wedding next! What do you think of this part? Did you like it? Is the reader a little less annoying? Let me know xx

Series Masterlist __ Masterlist 

< Previous Chapter 

The scene was supposed to be joyous, but, for some reason, the majority of what you felt was filled with sadness. Not for any particular reason, it was just the weigh of your decision finally settling in your heart and the realization hitting you that you would indeed be getting married in a week to a total stranger, who was a mobster, none less. 

You chose it, you had to remind yourself as tears fought their way in your eyes. It was just momentary sadness overpowering you, the feeling that your wedding wouldn’t be filled with people loving and caring for you, that the day would be more about showing off Steve’s power over the world than showing his love for his new bride, for whom he had none. And you would be there almost alone: no parents, no extended family, and a very few close friends. Whom you loved dearly, of course, and without whom you wouldn’t even be considering taking such a step. You needed them there, and not just the two lovable idiots you lived with. 

It was also people you’ve come to love during your university years as well as some coworkers, like Christy and Anja. Together it made around 15 people, which was actually a lot more than you had anticipated, but still. It would have to be Aidan walking you down the aisle, and just the mere thought made a choked sob escape your lips. 

The sound brought the attention of the room to you, and before you knew it, you were enveloped in a bone-crushing hug from all the people there, everyone telling you that you should be happy, that this was a good thing. Of course, nobody except Caroline and Aidan knew the reality behind the wedding. All they thought was happening was that you fell madly in love with Steve Rogers, and now you two were tying the knot. You even overhead Aisha say that you were definitely pregnant, otherwise, you wouldn’t have rushed into it like this. You tried to assure everyone that there was no pregnancy at all, but, of course, people believed what they wanted, and you lacked the energy to go around the room and speak to them individually, denying what they formed in their heads. 

It was Friday night, and you were in your apartment, surrounded by all those people who would come to your wedding. You sent a list of names to Steve that afternoon, and, after what you assumed was a background check on all of them, he agreed that yes, these 15 people could actually come. And when he did, you called an emergency meeting at your apartment, using it both as a way of inviting them to the wedding and as a kind of bachelorette party, where all you wanted to do was to drink heavily, eat a disgusting amount of carbs and pass out around dusk. Safe to say, all of your friends had been in, and by the time it was 11 PM, you were all tipsy, and people started to dance. Some (ehm, ehm, Caroline) even on a table, which was hilarious to the rest of you. 

The sadness came and went all evening, but you were determined not to let it ruin your night. So, every time you felt like it was creeping up on you again, you just told somebody and let them hug you until you were feeling better. 

Then, somebody came up with the idea to play Never Have I Ever, and since the tequila still burned in your veins, you agreed immediately. And so the game started. You were roaring like a pride of lions, each answer louder than the previous ones, but the most fun arose from telling each other funny stories. 

“Ok, so this one time I was blowing off my boyfriend, right? And you know how much I hate the taste of sperm, and he knows it as well, but this one time he really insisted on my swallowing, and so when he finally came, I squeaked and pointed somewhere behind him so that I could spit the cum to glass under the table, and when he turned around I showed him my mouth, void of any liquid, and he looked super proud,” your friend Naila laughed as she told the story to the question: never have I ever swallowed cum. 

The night was flowing smoothly, and soon, you saw that it was getting somehow lighter outside. And, sure enough, when you looked out of the window, you saw that the sunrise was coming in mere minutes. 

“Guys, guys! The sunrise is here. Let’s go to the roof to enjoy it,” you yelled even though half of the people were already fast asleep. The few of you who were still barely alive, which was around 5 of you, staggered towards the door and crawled up the stairs to the highest levels, and when you opened the last door, you had New York underneath you. 

You were wasted and exhausted, but the sight poured new life into you as you watched the early orange rays shine on one building at a time, waking up the city that never slept. It was magical, and it took your breath away. You felt your worries melting away as you saw a new day coming, and you thought it was a new day with many possibilities and hopes for you. You had nothing to lose, and Steve proved to you that he would, indeed, take care of you if need be. All would be if you just played your part and learned enough about Steve to be able to escape his wrath. 

The exhaustion then hit your body just as the ray hit your face, and you waved at the drunk group watching the sunrise, each of them in their own realm of thoughts, and soon enough, you sauntered back to your room, where you fell asleep just like the rest of the bachelorette party. 

A piercing tone woke you up with a start, and, for a second, you didn’t even know where you were, what time it was, or even what fucking century it was. The throbbing in your head prevented your brain from functioning properly, and so you rummaged through the pile of clothes next to your bed, fishing for what was obviously your phone. Gosh, how you hated the ringtone, and you reminded yourself to just mute your phone altogether because then nothing like this could happen again. 

You picked up without so much as looking at the screen and just sneered a harsh what into the speaker. 

“Well, good morning to you too, honey,” you heard Steve’s smug voice and rolled your eyes so hard the pain in your head increased. “Is this the way to greet your future husband? I don’t fucking think so,” he continued, and a considerable part of you contemplated just hanging up on him and his annoyingly sexy voice. 

“Steve, I have no fucking idea what time it is, but it’s definitely not time for you to call me and want me to be nice. Give me a few good hours of sleep, and then we can talk, ok?” You hoped this would do it, but from the silence on the other side, you assumed he wouldn’t let be just yet. 

“What happened? Did your bachelorette party get a little out of hand, and you went to sleep only after sunrise?” 

You gasped, shocked how he knew any of it, and for the first time, the fog in front of your brain lifted a little bit. You checked the time, and seeing it was only 9 AM, you assumed that asshole woke you up on purpose if he knew so much about your nightly activities. 

“How the fuck-“

“Language!” He yelled suddenly, and you flinched at the intensity of his voice. “I know everything, and I told you I would have somebody keeping an eye on you at all times. You’re only lucky the guy sleeping next to you is gay, you’d be in so much trouble otherwise, honey,” Steve spat, and the only sound you could muster was a long huff, as you regretted ever being born. 

“What do you want, Steve? If you know so much, you must know that I’m beat and all I wanna do is sleep, with a guy in my bed or without him. So, if you have something to tell me, please do, otherwise, have a good day, and I’ll catch up with you later.”

“We’re gonna have so much fun together, you and I, Y/N. I’m calling because I wanted to let you know that your room is prepared and ready for you and that your bodyguard will pick you up at exactly 8 PM, so don’t be late. Clint will also help you carry all things you need. I’ll send you his number so that you can be in touch with him. Oh, and honey? Take some aspirin and go to sleep, you sound like you need it,” even through the phone, you could hear him smirk as he hung up and let you on your own once again. Thank God.

“Who was it?” Aidan asked sleepily from the other side of the bed, and you just grumbled some response, not really sure if he understood what you meant, but when he hummed and patted your outstretched hand, you took it as yes, I understand you mean your future husband Steve Rogers, nice talk. 

The phone signalled you received a text, and when you looked at it, it was your bodyguard’s phone number and a directive, telling you to go to sleep already, because the dark circles under your eyes didn’t suit you. 

Oh, how you wanted to kill this man already. He got on your nerves more easily than anybody ever before, and for a brief moment, you wondered why he affected you so. You didn’t even know him, and you shouldn’t let him tossing you back and forth, but here you were, pissed because you could just imagine how proud he was of himself that he woke you up and told you what to do so many times in such a short call. 

Sighing, you got up from the bed and went to check the window to see if you could spot the nosy bodyguard ratting on you to Steve. You needed to have a word with him because he just couldn’t go running to Steve every time you blinked. 

Looking around the street, you tried to spot a strange vehicle, one that didn’t fit into the street you grew to know so well. And, sure enough, there was a large SUV, much like the one you had driven with Steve before, and you noticed that the windows were tilted. Since your apartment was on the first floor, anybody from the street had a great view right into your flat, and because you passed out totally exhausted, you didn’t have the time, nor did you remember to shut your blinds. 

You huffed and shut them now, cursing Steve and his nosiness because he wasn’t making your life any easier, and you weren’t even married yet. The year in front of you would be annoying and difficult, but maybe it would make you feel alive again. 

Shaking your head, you didn’t let the memories flood your brain as you strode back to your back, plopped on it belly-first and fell straight asleep.

“Are you sure it’s everything?” Aidan looked around your now half-empty room, except for the furniture that you knew you wouldn’t need. Steve promised to give you a furnished room, and you took his word for it, so you just took the essentials, like your clothes and sentimental stuff. Marie Condo would have been proud because you still managed to get rid of a few things that didn’t spark joy!

“Yeah, and even if I left something here, I could still come, you know? It’s not like I’m never seeing you or this place again. I’ll still be like a 30-minute ride away,” you smiled soothingly at him, but he just shook his head, obviously fighting all the emotions swirling in his heart. 

“Alright, alright. No crying. I’ll call you guys when I’m all settled, and Steve actually lets me be by myself, and I’ll show you the room, ok?”

Both Aiden and Caroline nodded speechlessly and then pulled you in a group hug. 

“You sure you wanna do it? We can still make it seem like we kidnapped you and take you somewhere to Mexico, or Argentina, or wherever he wouldn’t find you,” Caroline whispered, and you laughed through the tears fighting their way out of your eyes. 

“I’ll be fine, you’ll see. We will all have so much fun, and before we know it, the year is over, and I’m back here with you guys, having lived a little,” you smirked, and they nodded reassuringly, not really sure if it really was the best way to live a life, but they didn’t want to push you again. Your heart was set, and they both knew there was nothing they could do now. Except, of course, really kidnapping you. 

“Miss Y/L/N, we should go. The boss said we should be there at 9 PM at the latest, and I would prefer if we could be a little early,” Clint said professionally, but you could see that he was afraid of what would Steve do had you arrived late. You didn’t want to start this weird-ass journey by pissing your future husband or making him hurt his employees (you didn’t know whether he would actually do that, but just to be on the safe side, since he did cut off a guy’s finger a mere few days ago). 

You nodded and stepped from your best friends, looking at them and smiling brightly. You didn’t want any teary goodbyes, so you just showed them thumbs up and followed Clint out of the door. You knew there would be some tears when you left but didn’t think they would come as early as on the first step from your apartment. 

Fortunately, there weren’t that many steps to go before you were out of the building and rushed into the SUV by Clint. It was dark already, but you didn’t want him to see you cry, so you swiftly pulled out your sunglasses and put them on, not saying a word to Clint as he started the car and pulled it into New York’s night traffic. The lights around you were almost blinding, and for a moment, you were glad you had the glasses on, but then another wave of regret and sadness hit you, and you had a hard time keeping in the sobs. Scratching your arms, you stared out of the window and took a few calming breaths, telling yourself to get a grip because you were about to enter the lion’s den, and you couldn’t show them any emotions. 

You knew Clint knew what was going on, but he was gentleman enough not to comment on it. Still, you needed to make sure he understood this little episode was just between the two of you. 

“Can I ask you something, Clint?” You said suddenly and saw his eyes flickering between the road and the mirror, meeting your eyes for a moment. 

“Of course, Miss Y/L/N. However, I should warn you, I am not allowed to give you certain information,” he said formally, and you nodded knowingly. 

“Yeah, right. If I asked you to keep a little secret from your boss, would you keep it?” You asked and nibbled on your lower lip anxiously. 

He seemed to have thought for a second before he nodded his head in a manner telling you that there were things Steve didn’t need to know. His eyes met yours again before he spoke up. 

“I’m now your bodyguard, and if I think the information kept from the boss is in your best interest, then I won’t tell him anything. For example, you smiled all the way to the apartment, no tears and no sunglasses. Though, I think you should powder your nose and dry your face,” he smirked, and you laughed a little, nodding gratefully and doing exactly as he said. 

The car stopped exactly as you put all the supplies back into your purse, and you had a feeling Clint took a longer route to Steve’s house just to give your face the time to dry up and calm down. Checking the time, you saw it was 10 minutes before 9 and saw the relief on Clint’s face when he realized the same thing. 

“Alright, I will take you to the boss and then will get the boys to help with your things. We won’t go through anything, but if you need our help when you’re unpacking, all you have to do is text me,” Clint said, walking you to the door. 

The man you met on your first night there was standing as a sculpture at the exact same spot, and you wondered if he ever moved from that hallway. He did move towards you, gesturing to your purse, but Clint’s hand stopped him mid-motion. 

“She’s clean. I’ve been with her the whole time,” he said sternly and with authority, and when he saw the first man taking a breath to protest, Clint just gave him a chilling frown, and the man stepped down, hung his head in defeat and let you through. 

“It’s not a problem, Clint; I could have shown him the purse, you know?” You almost whispered as you walked through the empty rooms and hallways with Clint by your side. 

“They need to learn to respect you, Miss. You are, after all, marrying the boss very soon, and they need to understand that you are not a threat,” he gave you a curt nod, and you blushed a little. You didn’t know what it was, but the way Clint spoke to you with so much trust and respect already made you feel much better. You knew it would be an issue, so having somebody on your side was a huge relief already. 

“Thank you, Clint, I really-“ 

“Well, happy you two are best buddies already! Are you gonna braid each other’s hair and do each other’s nails soon too?” A voice snapped you back to reality, a voice you already knew too well. Steve was leaning against a door, his face stoic despite the mocking tone of his voice. Clint obviously tensed next to you, mumbled some apology and scurried out of the room, leaving you with Steve. 

You just looked at him and crossed your arms on your chest. 

“Do you need to be like this?” You asked incredulously, not really understanding why he had to be such an ass when all you did was having some sort of conversation with one of his loyal men. 

“Like what, honey? You seem to forget who I am and what I can do to you and your fucking life,” he sneered when he finally pulled away from the door and marched right in front of you. 

Your arms fell from your chest as you stared at him, trying to figure him out. Which, considering he was a prolific mobster, wasn’t the easiest task at hand. But you tried nevertheless and poked to see where was all this coming from. He obviously needed to be in control of every situation, always the centre of attention, and, you realized, it was probably this that pissed him off. You walked in, not really paying attention to him standing by the door but carelessly talking to somebody else. But his attitude was another thing entirely. 

“What do you want me to say, Steve? That I’m sorry I talked to somebody else and that it won’t happen again? You know it probably will, especially since you assigned Clint with the task of taking care of me and making sure I survive this year with you, which is really all he had done in the 40 minutes I have known him,” you reasoned, trying to sound confident but not pushy. You needed to show him that he couldn’t just toss you around like he might have thought. You didn’t expect him changing his attitude altogether for you, but you, at least, hoped he would go easy on you. 

He was seething but also thinking; you could see his mind going in overdrive to come up with something snarky and mean. But you were quicker than him, once again. 

“Will you be so kind and show me to my room? I would like to get settled in before we start talking about the wedding.”

“There will be no talk of a wedding. All you have to take care of is go tomorrow and pick your fucking dress. Everything else is being dealt with. I won’t need you tonight, so you can go and be by yourself till tomorrow,” he snapped and walked away without saying another word. 

Great, now you felt like you were grounded, and all you did was talking with somebody nice to you. You shook your head disapprovingly and headed in a direction you thought might have been your room, but after taking a few turns, you weren’t even sure you were in New York anymore. 

“Hey, what the fuck are you doing here?” You heard from behind you, and before you knew what was happening, somebody pushed you forcibly against the nearest wall, pressing their elbow into your neck. You coughed, surprised, clawing at the man’s forearms and trying to let him loosen the press because it was getting harder and harder to breathe. 

“I said, what the fuck are you doing here?” He yelled into your face, and you tried to tell him, but your voice wouldn’t come out. So, you just stared at him, tears filling your eyes before you heard a loud hey from somewhere behind you two and saw a man with long brown hair running towards you. 

“Sarge, this woman was roaming around here. I think she is a spy,” the man still holding you said to the newly arrived guy, and all you could do was shake your head and tried to make yourself look as non-threatening as possible. Which wasn’t difficult considering you were in no position to be able to even defend yourself had the man decided to crush your trachea. 

“Fucking idiot! That’s the boss’ bride! Let her go, you dickhead,” the man, sarge, growled, and you felt the pressure leaving your body. Which was all it took for you to collapse on the floor and start coughing uncontrollably, gripping your neck in your hands to protect it from any further disturbance. 

“I-I, I didn’t know, Sarge! Don’t tell him. I thought she was some fucking spy. What the hell was she even doing here all alone, huh? It’s not my fucking fault she came sniffing around stuff that is none of her business,” the man tried to defend himself, but from the murderous gaze he received from the sergeant, he wasn’t very successful. 

“Are you ok, Miss? Did he break anything? Is your head spinning? Are you feeling nauseous? Any of this?” He crouched down to your level and extended an arm to you, and you flinched instinctively, not feeling too sure who was your friend here and who wasn’t. So, to play it safe, nobody was your friend, and you’d be scared of them all, forever. Easy business. 

The man saw your reaction and frowned even more but was persistent when he removed your hands from your neck to see an already-forming bruise alongside your throat. 

“You need to talk to me, Y/N. Are you hurting anywhere?” 

You coughed and grimaced because, yes, in fact, you did hurt and that all over the fucking neck and even your head. Which, given the man almost crushed your fucking throat with his elbow, wasn’t that surprising. 

“I’ll be fine. And I wasn’t sniffing around; I was just looking for my room. I thought it might be somewhere here, and I would have asked if I saw anyone. But this place is like a fucking maze, and I was all alone,” you screeched, and the sergeant nodded and helped you to stand up. He was pulling out what looked like a phone, but you stopped him. 

“Don’t call him, please. I’m fine. I just need to get to the room, so I can put some cold water on it, have a drink and go to sleep. Please,” you accentuated and saw the man weighing his options before he put the phone back to his pocket and nodded for you to follow him. 

“I will tell him, just so you know. Steve needs to know about this, and we need to make sure you are introduced to the whole house the first thing in the morning so that this doesn’t happen again. But he needs to know. I will give you a few minutes to take it all in before I do call him, though,” he said with a resolution in his voice, and while you wanted to protest, you saw that it would have been to no avail. So, not saying another word, you let yourself in what was supposed to be your room and took it all in. 

The walls were this very soft grey, which you actually preferred to the cold white you saw a lot all over the house. There was a king-sized bed against the main wall, framed with two bed-side tables and two matching white and gold lamps. There were many pillows on the bed and a plaid, grey and blue, throw as well, making it all feel very homey. You could see a large closet, where you could have easily fit ten times the amount of clothes you owned. The only other thing in the room was a table with a chair and some drawers, where you could picture yourself working and writing. 

However, when you turned around, you saw something that caught your attention. An easel with a little table on wheels, on top of which was a palette where you could see yourself mixing colors left and right. You squealed, but the sound reminded you that you have just been assaulted and that you could admire the room later. 

You took your time in the bathroom, inspecting your neck and hissing here and there when you touched it carefully. You knew the sarge was outside your door, probably counting in his head before he called Steve, and you were actually pretty surprised he wasn’t marching in already. Just when you thought of it, the door to your room flew open, and you heard Steve and the man talking (well, actually, more like yelling at each other).

“Where the fuck is she? I’m going to kill Drax. I swear to fucking God, man. How is it even possible that he does shit like this? They were all supposed to be briefed, for fuck’s sake. Imma have Sam’s ass as well for this. Fuck!” He yelled and kicked into something, which made you frowned, and you rushed out of the bathroom. 

Steve spun around and almost ran towards you, cradling your face in his hands carefully and lifting your head so that he could have a clear view of the injuries. He was swearing under his breath, but you couldn’t help it and stare at him, wide-eyed. He was actually careful with you, sweet even as he took it all in, and when he was sure you wouldn’t die right there, he took a step back from you. 

“Are you ok?” He asked after a moment, and all you could was just nod and stand there awkwardly, scratching your arms behind your back. 

“Will you be able to find your room easier next time?” 

“No, we took too many turns. But I won’t leave this room till morning anyway, and I will learn to stay out of the way very quickly, I promise,” you rushed to say, not really wanting to meet any of his crew alone again. 

“You can’t be scared walking around here, honey. I will show you around right now, and I have already called an emergency meeting, and I want you there. This can never happen again,” he said gravely, and you understood this was probably his way of apologizing for something that wasn’t really all his fault. Well, he didn’t have to storm off and leave you there, nor did he have to scare Clint away, who was ready to show you to your room in the first place. 

“Is it necessary, Steve? If I’m quite honest, I don’t feel too comfortable leaving the room right now,” you quipped, but Steve wasn’t listening anymore. He just grabbed your hand and pulled you towards the door. Weirdly, you felt a little better having the skin-on-skin contact with him because, at least now, nobody would be stupid enough to attack you. 

You tried to remember the way and took in the details that would make you not lose your trail again, such as the red vase on one of the tables in the corner that looked just like the corner two minutes ago, but the vase was something you could remember, so you took a mental note of that and other little things that would serve for your safety, obviously. Because when Steve told you people would want you dead, you sort of didn’t expect those people would be in the house with you. 

You walked through the spacious kitchen and the adjacent dining room to find yourself in what looked like a meeting room, with around 20 men gathered and scattered all over the room. 

When Steve finally stopped, he let go of your hand, but he instinctively reached for you and pulled you against his side. You looked at him in slight disbelief again but didn’t say anything as he stared in front of himself till the room was as quiet as a freaking church during a sermon. 

“Let me make this very quick: however lays as much as a fucking finger on Y/N here, I will kill you, and I won’t give a fuck who you are. You were briefed that I’m getting married to the woman I want, and because somebody wasn’t paying attention to the fucking briefing, evidently, my fiancé is now sporting a black neck, which she will have to cover for our wedding. Drax, you and I will speak tomorrow, I was ready to kill you, but I’m a reasonable man, so I will sleep and think of your punishment then. Now, any questions?” He asked threateningly, and you knew even if somebody did have a question, nobody would dare to ask it now. 

And just as you predicted, the room was as quiet as before, and Steve waved his hand so that everybody was dismissed and they could breathe again. Just not in his presence. 

“Sam, you stay here,” Steve added when he saw one of his closest men leaving the room as well. 

“I will deal with him, Steve. I don’t know how that could have happened, but it won’t ever again, I promise. If it does, you can have my head, man,” the bulky man said and smiled warmly at you. 

“By the way, hi, I’m Sam. I’m like the muscles here, you know? So, if you need to pick something up, I’m your guy,” he said with a wink, and you chuckled but took his hand to shake it. 

“Nice to meet you, Sam, and I will remember that, thank you.” 

“Alright, now, we have all the pleasantries behind us, you can go back to your room and go to sleep. And Y/N, if anybody as much as looks at you the wrong way, you tell me, ok? This marriage might not be a genuine one, but none of these assholes knows that or should care about that. They should protect you just like they protect me, and I don’t care what they say. I can’t have my fucking wife scared to walk these halls,” he was still frowning as he was saying all this to you, but you could see he was much more relaxed than when all the men were in the room. These two, the sergeant whose name you still didn’t know, and Sam, were obviously close to Steve because despite the winks Sam gave to you, Steve didn’t make a scene, nor did he give you the pointed looks when others were around. Still, you were on thin ice, and there was too much drama for one day for you to try and challenge him in any way. 

“Ay ay, Captain,” you chuckled, and the corner of Steve’s mouth actually moved a little, so you took that as a good sign. 

“Alright, I will try and get back to my room and call it a day because tomorrow is an important day! So, nice to meet you, gentlemen, and I will see you soon, I guess,” you waved at them awkwardly, and Sam waved back enthusiastically as you left the men to themselves. 

“She is actually quite nice,” Sam summarized, and winked at Bucky, who just rolled his eyes at him in annoyance, having just enough of Sam’s antics for one day. 

“Yeah, yeah, she actually is, when she’s not talking back and challenging every fucking thing I say,” Steve complained, and it was a turn for both men to roll their eyes at their best friend. 

“Oh yeah, because you love when they’re meek and quiet, we forgot. C’mon, man, somebody fucking choked her today, and she was still standing here with her head held high, keeping it together like a fucking pro. I say she is perfect for you,” Sam said defensively when he saw the murderous stare from his friend/boss. 

Good thing Sam didn’t see you in your room because as soon as you closed the door behind yourself, the tears just streamed down your face, and small sobs left your lips. You were glad the day was over and dreaded what the next day would bring. 

Next Chapter >

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[miyaniacs]

Mafia AU - Bokuto x fem!reader

A/n: uhmmm sorry for not updating ... i haven’t been motivated to continue this and then i did and forgot that i had this update lol... so here you are. The beginning of the downfall is here. Sooo Tbh it will Kinda depend on your responds to this chapter if it will take months for me to continue it - or days 🙇🏼‍♀️

Chapter 12 - A decision is made

Index ; masterlist ; Chapter 11 - The encounter

Warnings: uhhh... violence? Mentions of guns

Bokutos POV

Monday 12 am

I want to punish him. I want to hurt him the way he hurt her, by messing up her life.

He looks at Ushijima with hate filled eyes, his whole aura shifts when he sees his arrogant smirk.

Why is he so sure of himself?

Does he really think that he, Bokuto, wouldn’t beat the shit out of him, right here in his office?

“Oh and Bokuto - hope you have fun with that hoe.” Ushijima smirks and now Bokuto fully breaks.

“Call her a hoe one more time.” Bokuto hisses. Furious wasn’t enough to describe what he was feeling right now. He was boiling with pure hate, his fist was ready to collide with this arrogant face of the male in front of him. He was ready to sent him straight into the hospital, hell he was even ready to kill him right here.

The one thing that was holding him back was the fact that such a quick death would be way too ‘nice’. He needs to suffer, he wants to break him, makes him feel all the pain in the world. Slowly peeling the skin off his body, until he begs him to finally kill him.

“And what are you doing then? Huh? I’m just telling the truth. She would have went to bed with you straight away the first time you saw her, just to get close to you and get informations.”  Ushijimas face is now almost touching his, sparks flying, both ready to beat each other up. “That’s only because you’d force her to do so.”

He laughs again. What is so funny, was it all a joke to Ushijima? A joke that he ruined your life, forcing you to throw yourself at random man, just to get information out of them? And for what? A small amount of money, comparing to what Ushijima probably owns? Oh he has to deal with the consequences at some point, he has to ... feel the consequences.

He can already see him hanging on a wall, blood dripping off the several cuts on bis body, his arrogance long gone as he looks up at him with eyes, showing that Bokuto did it, that he broke him.

Suddenly he feels someone tugging on his arm and he spins around, taking a few seconds to understand that he is still im the office. The fire in his eyes burning up again as he sees the fearful look on your face. He wants to comfort you and ask what happened, but then the shook took over him. You’re afraid of him.

He takes a few steps back, giving you some room to breath.

He couldn’t talk to you, the knot in his throat hindering him from telling you how sorry he is. Bokuto is lost in his thoughts the whole way back to the car and during the drive.

He is filled with guilt.

He hates himself for showing you this side of him.

All he ever wanted was to be a save space for you, to make you feel home and at peace.

He never wanted you to feel fear when being with him.

He has to do something and he knows exactly what.

“Go inside, I have to discuss something with the boss.” He says without looking at you his eyes still fixed on the street.

“Kou… let me explain… please.”

His heart breaks, you really feel the need to explain? To apologize? When he is the one that hurt you?

“Later.” He says way to cold for his own liking, but he couldn’t start crying now, even though he feels like it. He swallows the emotions that start to well up inside of him “I promise we talk later.” Placing his hands on your face he softens. You’re so beautiful.

He frowns when he sees small tears rolling down your cheeks.

No, why are you crying? He slightly starts panicking inside but tries to not show it. “Don’t cry my love.”

“I’m sorry.”  Here you go, apologizing for nothing, at last he doesn’t see a reason why your should apologize to him.

“No, don’t apologise. Non of this is your fault. I should have known better. You already told me how you’ve met Ushijima. It was my fault.���

Regret fills him up again.

Why was he so stupid?

He walked right into Ushijimas trap.

And now you were afraid of him.

He wasn’t good for you.

He wasn’t the right one for you.

The life he lives wasn’t one for you.

He had to get you out of this whole mess, you deserve so much better than this.

Even if that means, for him to leave your life completely.

He leans in for one last kiss.

“No. Don’t say anything. I promise you, you will never see me like this again. I can’t bear knowing that you’re afraid of me, even if it’s only a tiny little bit of you fearing me.” He mumbles before kissing you again. “Now please, get inside. And I hope to find you in one of my sweatshirts when I get back home.”

He hated lying to you.

But he had to.

“Okay, I can’t promise not to take your Vetements one tough.” You laugh and he smiles.

“Whatever I own is yours.”

My heart, my home, my car, my everything, he’ll make sure that you are save when he wasn’t with you anymore.

His cheerful smile dropped the second you were out of sight, he speeds through the city, not caring about the red lights or the other cars.

Monday 3 pm

“Sorry the Boss isn’t here right now.” One for the guards says.

Bokuto rolls his eyes and walks around in the empty office.

“What are you-“ the guard begins, “ I write him a note.” Bokuto huffs and scribbles something on a piece of paper.

“Make sure to keep Y/n save.”

He storms out of the building.

The Adlers really think they could simply tick him and the others? By putting Y/n in his life to spy on them? Are they really that desperate to involve such an innocent and pure soul as you into all of this?

The hate he felt for them just increased the more time he got to spent with you. Your pure soul lightens up his day, he smiles whenever he looks at you, his heart warms whenever he sees your smile, when he hears your laugh it’s the sweetest sound he has ever heard. All those days he got to spent with you for now, have been the best days of his life.

And how can such a beautiful person like you, work in such a dark world.

This isn’t a world that’s meant for you.

Sure he knows that you’re strong... but he isn’t stupid.

He can see that all of this is just a mask, you got used to this life, but it is not the life you wanted to be involved in. All your sarcasm, the cold look in your eyes, the raised eyebrow with that light smirk playing on you lips, whenever someone is saying something that could definitely get them into jail.

It is all an act.

And he knows that you know that he can see right through it.

Those nights he spent awake next to you, making sure to reassuring you that everything is alright and that he is right next to you, trying to keep all those nightmares away from you. He sees how you turn in your sleep, how your face frowns, he hears all those small no’s. And it breaks his heart whenever he feels your hands grabbing his shirt, clinging on him, burring your face in his chest while you whimper something only you can understand, your whole body shaking out of fear of whatever hunts you in your dreams.

Sure, you play tough, but he knows that deep inside your heart you want to leave all of this behind.

Enough was enough and he certainly had enough.

He takes his phone and type three small words before getting out of his car.

Opening up the trunk he pulled off the flooring revealing countless of guns and knifes.

It was a true old fashioned kamikaze mission, but he didn’t care.

Putting two of the small guns in the back of his pants, he grabs the loaded submachine gun in one hand, takes a deep breath and opens the door.

I’ll get you out of all of this, you’ll be able to live a normal life again, with or without me.

And he pulls the trigger, shooting the first guard.

Your POV

You stand in front of the big window, looking down at the passing people and cars, always looking out for one specific black one, but you couldn’t spot it. The longer you wait, the more restless you get, Bokuto was away for way too long now, he would have told you if it would take longer right?

So why haven’t he come back home now.

Your phone vibrates, before you could check it, you hear the door burst open.

“BOKUTO?!” You can hear Atsumu call out.

“Atsumu?” You walk over to him.

“Where is he?” The person next to him, Sakura asks.

“I was about to ask you the same thing, he dropped me off and told me he has something to do... but that was hours ago...” you mumble the next part, “ You... you don’t know where he is?”

“Does it look like we do?! The Boss is sending all of us out to find him!” Atsumu growls.

“Tell us everything that happened today.” Sakusa demands and you begin talking, describing the whole situation that happened with Ushijima and how Bokuto behaved slightly strange the way back to his.

The three of you stare at each other after you’ve finished and your attentions shifts to the TV.

“BREAKING NEWS - Countless of shots have been heard from the Casino, related to the infamous Adlers, we’re live - Cassie, what do you know?

‘ We all know nothing, civilians could all leave, all of them are talking about only one men, entering the building. The police is still clueless, but a few minutes ago, the shooting stopped and -“

“FUCK!” Atsumu screams and he and Sakusa run out of the door, “YOU STAY HERE!” He shouts before pulling out his phone already calling someone.

No. No. No no no. This can’t be real.

Your mind is racing while you collect your things and rush out of the apartment.

If there is one small chance that Bokuto is still alive, you have to take it, you had to save him at all costs. Even if it means breaking his heart and revealing everything... you just have to everything you can.

Looking down at your phone, you remember the message you got.

From: Bokuto

Please remember that I will always love you.

@tendouthighs ,  @lilacshouko​@softhourswithseb​ ​@theperksofcoffee ​@cuddlesslut @shhhlikeme​​, @kynyta​​ @yammmers​  @asahi-is-jesus-periodt​​ @hxnni-bxnni​​ @theduvetpirate​​ @chromaticstudio​​@gywjd0131​​​ @haikyuusimp91​​​ @kara-grayson04 @saucysamu​​ @brokeyiam​ ​

[cinnonym]

take the day off, get a massage (cause we've got this one all under control)

Written for Day 8 - Winter Solstice of 12 Days of Supercorp @supercorpbb

Read on AO3

***

9:15 am

“Golly, am I looking forward to this day.” Kara yawns and huddles closer against the curve of Lena’s back. Her breath tickles Lena’s neck, warm and comfortable. Lena hums.

“Four.”

“Hmm?”

“That’s the fourth time you’ve said this,” Lena murmurs. “Not that I mind.” She can feel sleep tugging at her eyelids once more and relishes in the thought that she won’t have to fight it. That she can succumb to the weight guiltlessly.

Kara doesn’t reply. She’s probably drifted off again already and will wake in half an hour with the same sentence on her lips once more. Lena smiles a bit about the predictability of it all, before a yawn overcomes her and drags her down with it.

***

9:51 am

“Golly,” Kara says, sleep still blurring her words. “I love this, I really do. What a good idea.”

Lena makes an affirmative sound, somewhere between a sigh and a purr. She hasn’t felt this relaxed in months, maybe even years. The warmth of Kara’s arm around her waist, the cold of Kara’s nose against her neck, what more can a woman ask for?

“I am starting to become a bit hungry though,” comes Kara’s voice from behind, and Lena has to suppress a chuckle as she rolls around to face her girlfriend.

“Of course you are.”

“Hey!” Kara’s eyes were still closed, but they open now, blinking slowly several times until all traces of tiredness have given way to a semi-offended glare. “It’s – “ she pauses and squints at the clock “ – more than two hours after my usual breakfast time. Of course my stomach is demanding attention.”

Lena lets out a laugh. “Demanding, huh? And that although you so dislike to be ordered around.”

Kara’s on her suddenly, pinning her down so quickly that Lena strongly suspects the involvement of superspeed.

“Damn right,” she says in a low voice, letting her gaze wander over Lena menacingly. Unfortunately, the effect is somewhat undermined by Kara’s stomach releasing a protesting grumble just then. Kara blushes, and just like that she rolls off of Lena again.

“Boss said no,” she murmurs, shrugging helplessly.

Lena grins. “Good thing we’ve got all day.”

“Golly, am I looking forward to that.”

***

11:38 am

The phone rings just when Lena is beginning to contemplate a nap. The sun still hasn’t peeked through the clouds once, and so it continues to be exactly the kind of dreary that you could wish for on a day like this. The kind of dreary that practically invites you to sleep.

But the phone is ringing, and that means Lena has to make a decision. She groans as she lifts her head from Kara’s chest to look at her.

“Reject or ignore?”

Kara shrugs. Her fingers are drawing lazy circles on Lena’s back, and she looks about as sleepy as Lena’s felt just a minutes ago.

“Maybe I’ll look who it is and choose then,” Lena decides, reaching for the vibrating device. It’s Jess, and apparently it’s not the first time she’s tried to get through to Lena. They have somehow managed to miss three calls, and if that isn’t proof of a dedicated sex life, then Lena doesn’t know. She chuckles quietly.

“It’s Jess,” she tells Kara, “for the third time.”

“What does she want?”

“I wouldn’t know.” The call stops. A small flutter of worry stirs in Lena’s stomach, even though she doesn’t want to feel it. Doesn’t want to leave the comfortable bubble Kara and she have created for themselves today.

Kara seems to sense where her thoughts are going, because she takes the phone from Lena and puts it on the nightstand again.

“No work,” she says sternly, “no outside world, and no leaving the bed unless it’s for food or bathroom breaks. Those are the rules.”

Lena bites her lip. She swallows the ‘What if’s’ that lie on the tip of her tongue. She banishes the thought of work to the remotest corner of her mind and kisses Kara on her collarbone instead.

“You’re right,” she murmurs, “they’ll get by without me for one day.”

***

2:01 pm

It turns out that Kara is much less relaxed when it’s her phone that’s ringing. Or maybe it’s the amount of calls she gets. But with every time her ringtone sounds out, she gets quieter and quieter, until at one point, she grabs her phone exasperatedly, turns it off, and tosses it into the armchair at the opposite corner of the room.

“One day!” She exclaims. “One day, the darkest day of the year, and a Sunday at that! You’d think the criminals would stay at home voluntarily, snuggle up to their girlfriend maybe, enjoy a good 32 hours in bed, and just take. One. Day. Off. It’s not that hard, or is it?”

“It’s not,” Lena concurs, finishing one braid in Kara’s long and unfairly soft hair and starting another.

“I work the year round, every day. And night, mind you. Weekends, holidays, always. And I do it gladly. I do it selflessly. I do it with a smile on my face, even. But one day off. One day. Is that really too much to ask for?”

“It’s not.” Lena pauses her braiding to put a soothing hand on Kara’s head. “You’re just doing such a good job the rest of the time, people have forgotten how to take care of themselves without you.”

Kara leans into the touch with a sigh and a grateful smile. “Is it wrong that I kind of like how much they depend on me, even though it annoys me today?”

“Of course not.” Lena lightly scratches her nails over Kara’s scalp, drinking up the contented sighs that fall form Kara’s lips. “I think everybody wants to be needed. It gives us purpose. It gives us strength.” She leans down to press a gentle kiss to Kara’s forehead before she takes up her braiding again. “It’s one of the greatest paradoxes of humankind that this strength doesn’t suffice to sustain you. That you need breaks from being useful, lest your strength depletes.”

Kara nods, momentarily upsetting the row of braids Lena has already finished.

“I love you,” she says.

Lena smiles. “I love you too.”

***

3:45 pm

“I think my butt fell asleep.”

“I call your butt and raise you two legs.” Lena groans. “How do teenagers do this?”

“Do what?” Kara asks, giggling a little at the exaggerated noises Lena is making.

“Do this.” Lena gestures at the two of them, sprawled out on the mattress. “Lie in bed all day, barely moving, except to change the video game or whatever they occupy their brains with all day.”

Kara laughs, loud and hearty. “Rao, Lena, sometimes you are so odd.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Not all teenagers spend all their time in bed, dummy,” Kara says, and it’s only her fond tone that saves her from the pillow Lena almost hurdles at her. “I, for example, was a very active teenager.”

“You hardly count,” Lena retorts, sticking out her tongue when Kara narrows her eyes at her. “Because you’re always active.”

Kara wrinkles her nose, but Lena’s point holds. She huffs.

“What about you then, what did you do as a teenager?”

“I,“ Lena says dignifiedly, “didn’t experience an adolescence.”

“Lena, your adolescence was less than ten years ago.”

Lena sighs dramatically and rolls over, facing her girlfriend with a regretful stare.

“Tell that to my back pain…”

***

4:09 pm

“Isn’t it sad,” Kara muses, kneading Lena’s trapezius muscle with blissfully strong hands, “how it’s already getting dark again?”

Lena moans softly when Kara hits a particularly tense spot. “Is it?”

“Yeah.”

They are silent for a while, Kara moving slowly and methodically up and down Lena’s back, Lena shimmying in and out of consciousness. No phone has rung in over two hours, nobody has disturbed them in their self-imposed solitude, no rule has been broken so far. They are doing exactly what they’ve planned for the day, and it is nothing.

“What a good day,” Lena murmurs, “What a good idea.”

Kara gives her ass a squeeze, and Lena, well on her way to another nap, almost jumps.

“The hell?” She exclaims, which immediately earns her another slap. “What?”

Kara’s voice is a melange of amusement and indignation. “You forgot the golly!”

***

6:37 pm

They start speaking at the same time.

“It’s almost Christmas,” Kara says, and Lena murmurs “How am I already tired?” and then they look at each other and laugh.

“What did you say?” Simultaneously. “You first.”

Lena recovers faster, so she pokes Kara, who’s still laughing, between the ribs.

“Tick, your turn, please speak now.” She presents Kara her fist as a mic, which only results in another burst of laughter. Then Kara’s hand closes around hers, pulling her closer.

“Hello hello, can you hear me?”

Lena giggles. She feels carefree in a way she hasn’t felt in possibly all her life. “Loud and clearly. Please repeat your question.”

“Yes hello,” Kara says, pompous in a way that is exactly like on real TV interviews. “I didn’t so much ask a question as rather observing a fact. That fact being of course the upcoming holiday, namely Christmas.”

At this point they have to drop the act, because Lena is laughing so hard that the mic is shaking and “the connection seems to be bad, hello hello?” And Kara grins at Lena like she did when Lena first fell in love with her, wide and open and with her heart in her hands, ready to give it to anyone she thought worth fighting for. Even a Luthor. Even Lena.

“I’m looking forward to Christmas,” Lena says, but what she means is that she’s never liked the holidays much, until Kara came around and made them worthwhile.

And somehow Kara understands.

“Yes,” she says, “me too.”

***

8:52 pm

“There’ll be much work to catch up on tomorrow,” Lena sighs, playing with the thought of looking at her phone and deciding against it. “But that are tomorrow’s problems.”

Kara hums. She’s floating half an inch above the bed because she finds the mattress is too warm after bearing her body all day.

“I’m still looking forward to that somehow.”

Lena chuckles. “Yes, me too. Isn’t that weird? I thoroughly enjoyed today, but I couldn’t do it again tomorrow.”

“It’s about the – “ Kara forms the chef’s kiss gesture minus the kiss “ – purpose.” She turns on her side to look at Lena. “Or so a wise woman once told me.”

“Sounds very wise indeed. Did she also say something about the reason why I’m tired even though we did nothing all day?”

“Nope.” Kara pops the p, then lets herself fall back on the bed. “But here’s my theory: inaction is like negative action. And at the end of the day, it’s the absolute value that counts, minus or plus doesn’t matter. So if you’ve balanced action and inaction, you won’t be that tired, because they cancel each other. But if you have an overload of either action or inaction…”

“… you’ll feel about as exhausted as I do right now,” Lena finishes, her eyes already closed. “Seems reasonable. It’s compatible with my strength theory, I like that.” She yawns, and feels blindly for Kara’s hand. “Either way, all in favour of an early night, raise your hand.” She lifts their entwined hands off the mattress. “Whooo.”

Kara breathes out a laugh. “Also, if we go to bed now, then tomorrow will come faster.”

“Scientifically incorrect,” Lena murmurs, “but golly.”

“What?”

Lena snuggles into Kara’s embrace until all she can smell is Kara, and all she can feel is also Kara. She yawns again.

“Golly am I looking forward to tomorrow.”

[elizabeatrice]

Episode 12 - The Little Mermaid

Let’s Talk About JSHK Anime #3

Warning: Manga spoilers for The Little Mermaid arc, The Clock Keeper arc, and chapter 64!!! (just a bit, skip point no. 5, 6, and 10 if you don’t want to get spoiled) Also … this ended up way longer than I intended.

Well that was one heck of a feels trip. It’s probably my new favorite episode, just because everyone is here being wholesome lmao.

This is mostly hananene meta I ain’t even gonna lie.

Before we begin, shout out to Black Canyon, our newest anime cutie pie. Just look at him, folks. Just chilling with his sunflower seed.

He has no idea the kind of life his owner leads.

I said before that the best part of episode 12 is how it made Daydream worse, so now I’m gonna ramble about it.

“Maybe different species can’t understand each other after all.”

“Maybe it would be better if I were an apparition too.”

This is my favorite part of the episode. And no, not in the sense that I want Nene to die just so that she and Hanako can be together. But because of how Lerche actually explored deeper what was said only once in the manga.

Well, both in the manga and anime Nene ended up accepting the mermaid’s blood because of her desire to be popular, but the anime decided to revisit what she said earlier in the episode.

Not only did that make her decision kinda less selfish, it’s also just … sad. Thinking that your friend, someone you really cared about, doesn’t trust you enough to tell you things about themselves, to the point where you’re willing to go to such lengths as turning into an apparition just to understand them.

And if you think about it, isn’t this part of her true wish? To have her feelings be reciprocated? Man I just realized that as I wrote this and I am mindblown.

She thought she finally got her wish with Hanako. I mean, he said it himself in the first ep (”You wanted someone, anyone, to return your feelings, right? And as far as you’re concerned, sharing a bond with someone is the same thing, right?”). So it must’ve hit her really hard when she thought he didn’t trust her. Especially with all the wrong ideas the fishes were feeding her mind.

Then we got this little flashback. At first I was like, “Girl, you really be thinking that he doesn’t care about you while recalling the moment he apologized to you and hugged you? Are you insane?”

But after some thinking of my own, it occurred to me. Maybe she was too used to having her feelings not reciprocated, she couldn’t believe it when someone finally did. Not to mention Hanako did kinda trick her with his fake confession a while back (heh, he’s not the only one with trust issues, eh?). And that just made the entire thing even sadder.

So when Nene said, “But I thought, if I were an apparition like you, I could get closer to you. Then, maybe I’d be able to understand you, Hanako-kun. Although I know I probably don’t mean anything to you.”

That was a harsh wake up call for Hanako.

(Btw even more full circle, Hanako brought up Nene’s wish to become human again in the first episode. Nice.)

So. We got one daikon girl who’s afraid of not having her feelings reciprocated, and one ghost boy who’s afraid that daikon girl wouldn’t be his friend anymore if she knew about his past.

While in actuality, said daikon girl already decided she wanted to and would be his friend no matter what, and ghost boy had grown to care about her more than he thought he would.

He heard what she said to Tsuchigomori. He knew all about regret, too.  I mean, honestly, I think if she had said no, he’d let her walk away right then and there, no questions asked. But she didn’t.

Nene’s wish finally came true here. And the best part? It wasn’t the work of magic or curses. Just Hanako finally shoving his fear aside, offering himself as he was, and letting her decide.

And she still chose to be with him.

Heh. Lemme just. Sob for a bit.

Is my hananene trash brain reading too much into this? Idk. Maybe.

So props to the production team for managing to add even more weight to this arc. Which, they had to, since it’s the season finale and all. But I love what they did!

Onto my commentaries!

1. The KouNene

Good shit. She was worried about him but he didn’t want her to worry so he just smiled it off? These two are precious. Thought they were gonna interact. Sadly not. Buuuut! (see point 12)

2. Hanako’s classroom visit

He. Is. So. Adorable. Someone please take his babey license away he’s too dangerous.

Hanako’s classroom visit is like my absolute favorite clingy Hanako moment, so I’m really happy I get to see it this season. Ugh. My kokoro. Hugging her from behind, that semi confession vibe … Smooth mf.

The Mokke brushing Nene’s hair!!! The radish hairdo tho lmao.

On a sidenote, as a history nerd I appreciate that they’re actually putting lessons in the background. And the teacher talked about Apollo 11 again??? While my boy was in the room? That ish both hurt and pleased me.

3. The Clock Keeper rumor drop

Heeeeeehhhhh? What’s thiiiiiissss?

4. This freaking thing

*flips table* Darn production team been knew I’m hananene trash how dare they do this to me.

And lookie here there’s Kodama chilling.

5. Fishies! (!!!manga spoiler for The Little Mermaid arc!!!)

Pufferfish didn’t die. Well, good for him. Also I can’t believe they just call the other fish ‘yeah yeah’ lmao what the freak. Has it always been like that in the manga?

6. AOI AND AKANE (!!!spoilers for chapter 64!!!)

I swear I did not intend this numbering coincidence.

*claps* Boi. Nene asking Aoi about cutting ties with someone she’s interested in? And then Akane just swooped in and say he’d rather cut his head off than cut ties with Aoi? What about getting impaled, huh, boy? Would that do?

The not-so-subtle call out to these two pairs’ parallel? BOI.

7. Nene and Yako

These two just chilling together having girl talk, and Yako let Nene pet her? That’s some adorable shit right there. Admit it Yako you like her.

Yako also be really hitting home with what she said. It was extra heavy coming from her, considering what happened to her and Misaki. Boiiiiii.

8. Tsuchigomori

Oh my God, his laughter. Just … oh my God.

Tsuchigomori in dad mode is always one of the highlights of the episode/chapter.

By the way, in this scene according to the sub, Nene asked Tsuchigomori who Tsukasa is. But she knew who he is already. Is it possible that the sub misinterpreted it? ‘Cause I think what she actually meant was, “What happened to him and Tsukasa-kun in the past?”

If someone who speaks Japanese could share their wisdom, please do!

9. The 5 pm bell and twilight

Look how pretty they are!!!

Lo and behold, another important hananene interaction while the 5 pm bell plays in the background. Also, twilight? Y’all giving me Kimi no Na wa flashbacks.

“Twilight, when it’s neither day or night. When the world blurs and one might encounter something not human.”

Huh … kinda fits the ‘boundary’ concept but it still hurt.

Anyway they still had Hanako tell her what she already knew. And I did say in my ‘Walking Blind’ post that it’d be redundant. But since the episode kinda emphasized Nene’s desire to understand Hanako, having him actually tell her himself, even though she already knew it, was a big deal. It’s not about what she knows, it’s about him opening up to her. So I’m super cool with it.

10. The Broadcasting Club (!!!spoilers for The Clock Keeper arc!!!)

I love how Natsuhiko and Sakura are actually decent people. When he told Mitsuba that he was free to choose to stay with them or not? That’s solid, man. Though, of course, Tsukasa might not be as kind.

Speaking of, I know it couldn’t be anything else, but I’m still not sure if Tsukasa’s drawing was confirmation for season 2. Don’t wanna get my hopes up. Imma just enjoy what I currently have.

Kinda curious, though. Because Clock Keeper wasn’t Tsukasa’s doing. Maybe he was the one who released Mirai? But tbh I’d prefer if it wasn’t so. Because having more cases of supernaturals going loco without it being one of Tsukasa’s games is interesting, and kinda underlines the need of The Seven Wonders to keep supernaturals in check.

11. Kodama just chilling

12. The Adventures of Minamoto and the Summer Vegetables

You go, Kou! I’m rooting for you oh my God you’re so precious.

And look at that ikemen smile! Him supporting Kou is just top notch sweet y’all I can’t-

Ngl this was the biggest surprise of the episode. Teru finding out that summer vegetables = Nene? Broooooo. Interesting. I don’t think this little addition warrants any changes to their future interaction, so it should be safe. Clever replacement, too, those veggies.

It’s so sweet that Nene delivered those veggies to Kou! Just imagine the Minamoto family having veggies for dinner. Awww.

(Also, Nene wrote her name in hiragana instead of kanji. Is that a reference to how bad Kou is with kanji? Lol, so sweet)

13. The Coda!!!

Look at him. Just look at him. Look how lovesick he is y’all I can’t-

THEY’RE SO ADORABLE.

All in all, I love this episode. Sorry for how long this post is. I’m just dealing with so many feels right now. Gaaahhhhh.

[pffbts]

(header by me)

―GENRE: fluff; angst.

―CHARACTERS: kim taehyung x female reader | special appearance: tannie.

―W.C: 1.8K

―AUTHOR`S NOTE: i`ve stopped writing for a long time (around 3 months), especially when it comes to longer pieces like this but it is the birthday of the love of my life. i couldn`t miss this opportunity to write something special for him even though i`m still busy with my college. i hope you who`ll be reading this, be happy and enjoy this little piece of my attempt at making a present for my love. a very happy new year to you guys and a very happy 24th to my winter bear, my love, my only one.  

[00:01 AM] [the coolness still lurks even though warm beings surround someone calling it a new beginning]

―with the most curious and detective-like eyes, tannie stared at your face even though you were just lying there, on the wooden floor right beside the small fireplace taehyung has lit just for you. your eyes remained close but your instinct could catch the spark of curiosity shooting from the pet`s eyes.

you raise your arm in the air and with slight guess here and there find the furry head of tannie. digging your fingers right through his fur, you pamper him. tannie seemed to enjoy this because you have always been the type to caress his head as if he`s a human child and not just a dog.

“hmm, someone`s taking my spot.” taehyung`s deep voice booms through the room and a smile gives birth to itself on your mouth before you open your previously closed eyes. you lift up your head a little to find your best friend placing two red cups of cola and two big bowls of chips on the table in front of the couch a little far away from the fireplace. you were technically lying down in a place in-between the table and the fireplace with tannie now moving closer to your face and on his feet to attack you with his love licks.

“hmmm, someone`s jealous.” you bicker back, now holding tannie with both hands and rubbing his little nose with yours. “but i love my tannie the most, right?” you ask the doggo and he proceeds to move his face closer to your neck and just buries himself. maybe he got a little shy, you thought.

“of course, i`m jealous. i`m an honest person, you see.” taehyung says.

the exact word is blunt, too blunt, you corrected him in your head.

“what about the pizza?” you ask diverting his sudden confession.

“oh i`m heating it up right now,” taehyung points at the kitchen behind him while he now stands behind the couch. the walls of his house is too thick for your ears to hear the sound of the microvan being on, “by the way, are you planning to stay in? i can fix some blankets for you. it`s gotten quite cold these days―”

“nah i`m leaving after 10.” you stop him mid-sentence and answer him back with a curt voice.

taehyung`s previously lit up face lost its glow and he replied with just an “oh.”

“yeah, i feel really tired. i just came to meet you because i was in the town and you,” pointing your forefinger at your friend, you continued, “are never at home, dude. you`re like always out and about doing your own stuff.”

taehyung raises both of his hands above his head and accepts the defeat, “sorry, but my schedules been too tight these days. i can`t help it,” mid-words, he moves back into the kitchen to bring in the now heated pizza and places it quickly on the table, “because my boss will think i`m being lazy cause it`s winter now.”

you shift from your place on the floor. tannie proceeds to make himself at home on your lap but you shake your head at him and pick him up in your arms and move back to the other end of the couch while taehyung places himself on the opposite end of it.

“you know how i get lazy during winter, right?”

“yeah.” you hum back acting over-bored.

“what`s up with you? are you feeling okay?” taehyung leans a little closer and tries to probably decipher what`s going on in you, “oh wait, do you need a blanket? shoot! i should`ve brought a blanket―”

“taehyung, stop! i`m okay,” you laugh at him, “i`m wearing socks and tannie is here to warm me up.” you move your face closer to tannie`s face who is currently lying on your lap, “right tannie?”

you only get a woof for a reply whereas taehyung moves back to his place and bites onto a chip.

taehyung moved his eyes above to check the time and it read 10:15 PM. the human beside him has already made herself at home along with the dog who actually belongs to the same home.

“wasn`t she planning to go by 10?” taehyung wondered. “guess, she felt too tired and just fell asleep unconsciously.”

taehyung proceeded to move all the empty bowls from the table now, along with the cups and the empty pizza box. he cleaned the place around the couch a bit and brought in the warmest spare blanket he could find from his closet and covered you with it. the dog is currently on the carpeted floor, snoring softly along with you.

as he placed the blanket down your chin, taehyung`s eyes shifted onto your face. he was suddenly filled with an unknown warmth he couldn`t recall any time before this night. the calmness on your face, the way you slept with your mouth slightly open. taehyung giggled softly, his sound unheard. he moved the spare strand of your hair from your face and moved them over your forehead and poked the tip of your nose softly just to tease your unconscious self.

he could stay like this all night and nothing will change. in-between both of you there stands a big thin wall. some unrequited feelings and some unsaid words, taehyung sighed softly. right now everything that he did, every little gesture, every little action, everything came out into its mildest form. it was as if you`re the most sensitive thing in this world right at this moment. taehyung couldn`t differentiate if it was him who was being vulnerable right now or you.

he left the decision in fate`s hand. usually, he would be getting ready for his bed but he knows as 12`o clock hits, his phone is going to get flooded with texts from his parents, his siblings, his close friends and every associates. after all, it`s his birthday in a―on reflex, his head moves to look at the clock again―it`s almost 11:30 P.M now.

he sighs to himself and gets up from his crouched form beside the couch where you are currently sleeping peacefully.

he keeps only the dim light of the lamp beside the couch on while switching off all the others in the living room. taehyung moves into his room and walks a little faster to his bed, tiredness climbing onto him like a snake.

as his head hits his soft pillow, taehyung closes his eyes for a brief moment only to open them again and stare back at the dim ceiling now. he felt impatient and sad and also a bit disappointed with the fact that you must have forgotten his birthday. it wasn`t usual because since high school, you both have been away from each other a lot more times than ever. but you would always try to make it up to him by sending a text over the phone or like a late birthday gift along with the new year greetings in the mail.

obviously, when he saw you at his doorstep this afternoon with a big size pizza box and a large bottle of cola, he thought you must have come here to celebrate his birthday with him but sadly, you seemed distant today. he didn`t exactly blame you though because it`s sure been a long time since both of you been face to face with each other.

but he was still hoping for something. he was still hoping for that one moment to come while you both sat there eating your pizza that you would pull out a prank on him and wish him an early birthday. it even bothered him that you will probably regret sleeping in when you wake up next morning when you had initially decided to leave his house by 10 P.M.

heavy, undecided thoughts brought in tiredness that taehyung didn`t know he had inside him. further, this results in him dozing off in the dreamland not knowing what might happen next morning.

sure, it`s too cold these days. sure, he had a good blanket over his body but for some reason, he felt a lot warmer. no, not warm―hot, he was feeling extremely hot and especially around his shoulder region, to exactly point it out, the place right under his left ear.

accumulating with the hotness came a sudden heaviness, maybe it was the weight of the blanket that was making it uneasy for his chest to carry the heaviness―or wait, is tannie on top of him right now?

taehyung was about to open his eyes when he feels a human hand on top his right cheek―the hand was cold, small and soft.

“happy birthday, winter bear.”

taehyung`s eyes flew open in an instant and he finds half of your body dangling from the bed and half on top his chest, your nose against the side of his throat and your small giggles like lofi music in his ear.

maybe he was completely wrong again. maybe he keeps losing trust in you because of the fact that distance keeps coming in-between both of you and he just doesn`t know if you still see him as one of your good friends.

taehyung felt like crying as he moves his face towards his right only to catch that the digital clock read 00:01 AM. his face breaks into a smile as he ruffles the back of your head.

“you`re one minute late, beautiful.”

“stop flirting. let me sleep.” you mumble back, your voice still mingled with slumber. “oh and your gift is under your bed, it`s the tie you loved window shopping when we used to walk back home from school. i remembered the pattern, drew a rough sketch of it and sent it to the best store in my city so like i custom made it for you. wear it at my birthday, okay?” 

“you did what―”

your forefinger flies on top of his mouth and remains there pressed against the creases as you drift off to sleep while taehyung pulls your hand away from his smiling mouth only to place a kiss above the cold knuckles of your hand.

fin.

[roywangtoday]

王源：成为那道光

Wang Yuan: Be the Light

2018年岁末，王源经历了刚成年后的第一个冬天，在新发表的专栏文章里，他开启了对人生命题的总结和思索，记录了自己身处喧嚣时被诗人费尔南多·佩索阿的作品集《我的心略大于整个宇宙》击中心灵的瞬间。然后，他在文中写道：“满天繁星，有我想成为的那道光。”

At the end of 2018, Wang Yuan experienced the first winter of his adult life. In the newly published column, he had a summary and reflection on questions of life, and described the moment when he was hit by “A Littler Larger Than the Entire Universe”, poems written by Fernando Pessoa, in the hustle and bustle. He wrote: “The sky is full of stars, and there is a light I want to be.”

人的一生是悬于两道永恒黑暗间的一隙微光，唯当人内生的自我开始觉醒时，这道光芒才会璀璨闪现，在即逝的瞬间穿透黑夜，为更多双眼所看到。王源找到了那道应属于自己的光，而接下来，他要成为那道光。

A person's life is a gleam of light between two eternal darkness. Only when his inner self begins an awakening will this light flash brightly, penetrate the night at an ephemeral moment, and be seen by more eyes. Wang Yuan has found the light that belongs to him, and then he wants to be the light.

坐在采访桌前，王源轻轻呼了口气，已经是晚上11点，杂志封面的拍摄刚刚结束，他还需要完成专访。白天是他的个人纪录短片《没有哪个夏天像今年一样》的线下分享会，算起来，他已经连续工作了十几个小时。

Sitting in front of the interviewer, Wang Yuan exhaled softly. It was already 11:00 pm. The shooting for the magazine cover had just finished and he still needed to do an interview. He had a press conference for his personal documentary short film “No Summer Is Like This One” during the day. In total, he had been continuously working for more than fourteen hours.

“我得想想怎么说。”垂下眼，盯着自己交握在桌上的双手，王源停顿了下来。采访者提出的问题在过去大半年里，已经不止一次出现在他面前，记者们总是反复问他：是否意识到去异国学习音乐这一决定背后潜藏的风险和损失？他们总像是不能轻易接受他面上表现出来的坦然。

"I have to think about how to say it." Wang Yuan paused, staring down at his hands on the table. The questions raised by the interviewer have appeared in front of him more than once in the past six months, and journalists repeatedly asked him: are you aware of the risks and losses behind the decision to study music abroad? They always seemed unable to accept the calmness shown on his face easily.

这次得换种说法，王源抽出手比划起来：“打个比方，今天在您面前摆了一个最新款的包，买吗？”

This time, he had to put it another way, Wang Yuan took out his hand: "For example, today there’s a latest designer handbag in front of you, will you buy it?"

对方愣住了。

The interviewer froze.

“买不买？”王源继续追问道。

“Will you buy it or not?” Wang Yuan continued to ask.

“买吧。”

“Yes, I will."

“好，买！它有啥用？有性价比吗？没有，喜欢就完事了。”

"Okay, you will! What's it for? Is it cost-effective? No, just because you like it."

“前提还得要有钱……”回过神的采访者逗起他来。

“First of all, if I had a lot of money..." The interviewer collected herself and started to tease him.

“不是，那您都说买了。”王源有点着急，身体前倾抢过话头，但言语依旧礼貌。他拊掌强调着：“喜欢就完事了，喜欢就完事了，对不对？”

“But you said you would buy it." Wang Yuan got a little bit nervous. He leant forward and interrupted her, still in a polite way. He clapped his hands and emphasized: “It’s because you like it and that matters, right?”

话音刚落，身边的工作人员都为这孩子气的举动笑了起来，王源面上透出些不好意思，抓抓后脑勺补充道：“有些决定就是脑子一热，喜欢，而且我现在年纪其实也小，还有机会去试错，但如果现在错过了喜欢的事情，其实是会后悔的，我挺怕自己后悔。”

As soon as he finished his words, the staff around him all laughed at the boyish behavior. Wang Yuan seemed a little embarrassed, he scratched his head and added: “I made some decisions impulsively, just because I like it, and I’m still young, so there is a chance of trial and error. But if I miss the thing I like now, I will regret. I don’t want to have any regrets.”

双手叠放回桌面，王源又恢复了乖巧标准的坐姿，他套着件白色的粗棒针毛衣，肩头瘦削，还带着少年人的脆弱美感，但微抬的脸上，轮廓线条已经立体起来，下颌转折处也有了凛冽的角度——这是19岁的王源，一个能与自己对话，并始终坚持自我选择的成年人。

Putting his hands back on the table, Wang Yuan returned to a proper and standard sitting position. He wore a white thick needle sweater, and the top of his shoulder looked slim, fragilely beautiful. However, he has a defined facial profile and a sharp jawline — this is 19-year-old Wang Yuan, an adult who knows himself and sticks to his decisions.

大一新生王源

Freshman Wang Yuan

“大家好，我叫王源，来自中国，见到你们很高兴。”

——王源／2019年9月／美国波士顿伯克利音乐学院"

Hello everyone, my name is Wang Yuan and I’m from China. Nice to meet you."

——Wang Yuan / September 2019 / Berklee College of Music, Boston, USA

2020农历新年过后，王源恢复到了“学校——公寓”两点一线的异国求学生活。他曾突发奇想把自己的生活划分成旧磁带的两面，A面是规律的学校生活，B面则代表着忙碌的工作。回到学校，身体就按下了跳转A面的播放键，开始了“吹不出褶”的平静日子。

After the Chinese New Year 2020, Wang Yuan got back into his life as an international student commuting between his apartment and school everyday. He once had an imagination to depict his life as two sides of an old tape, side A is regular school life, and side B represents busy work. Back at school, the body pressed the play button to jump to the A side, and peaceful days “without waves” began.

娱乐圈的喧嚣消失了，没有跑不见头的通告，也没了簇拥在左右的鲜花掌声和火热的眼神。在这里，王源能把头发简单地推成板寸，不需要每天出门前花费许久收拾造型，也不用时时戴着口罩。他能够自由地去逛超市，甚至大大方方地扛着一袋大米游荡街头。

The hustle and bustle of the entertainment industry disappeared. There were no endless schedules, no applause and flowers around, and no one was watching. Here, Wang Yuan can simply have a crew cut, instead of spending time on styling before going out every day, and he doesn’t have to wear a mask all the time. He is free to go to the supermarket and even walk in the street with a bag of rice on his shoulder.

“除了华人之外，国外的人其实不知道我是谁，我也不会告诉他们。”大一新生王源褪去了自己身上环绕许久的明星光环，快速融入了简单的求学生活。他和那些来自世界各地的同届学生一样，为了完成老师布置的作业头疼，还得提前很多天为排练作业订排练室，要不“就抢不到了”。新结识的外国朋友们也不曾发觉这个中国少年有何特别之处，除了一开始总会好奇地问他为什么总穿名牌。

"Except the Chinese, foreigners don't really know who I am, and I won't tell them." Freshman Wang Yuan took off his halo as a celebrity and quickly adapted to college life. Like other students from all over the world, he had to handle the coursework assigned by teachers and reserved the resemble room in advance for his rehearsal, or “they will be fully occupied”. New foreign friends have never noticed anything special about this Chinese boy, except that they asked him curiously in the beginning why he always wore expensive designer brands.

“他们老说我。”聊到这个，王源又有些不好意思：“我这几年没怎么买过衣服，带去美国的大部分都是品牌送的，上面都有logo。”

"They kept talking about that." Wang Yuan was a little embarrassed about it: "I haven't bought much clothes in the past few years. Most of those I brought to the United States were gifts from brands, with logos on them.”

被身边同学反复问过几次后，王源趁着波士顿大降温的机会，私下买了些寻常服装，替换掉了那些扎眼的名牌，不过他最后还是没将脚上的品牌球鞋换下来。“我从初中就开始收集这个牌子的鞋了，因为我喜欢，我还是照穿。”

After being asked several times by classmates, Wang Yuan bought some ordinary clothes in private to replace those fancy designer brands while the temperature dropped significantly in Boston. But he eventually kept his branded shoes. “I’ve been collecting shoes of this brand since junior high school, because I like them, I still wear them.”

“喜欢”，能为王源的很多决定作出最准确的注解，也是他选择在国内星途事业亟待更进一步的关键时刻，转而来到伯克利求学的源动力之一。但他新选择的道路又注定是不平坦的，一个曾替多位华语乐坛代表人物制作专辑的音乐制作人坦诚表示：“现在音乐是整个娱乐行业里最低的一个领域，艺人赚钱最少的就是做音乐。”

“I like it" can make the most accurate explanation for his many decisions. This is also one of the driving forces for him to study at Berklee at such a critical moment in his career. However, the path he chooses is destined to be uneven. A music producer who has made albums for many top Chinese musicians candidly admitted: "Now music is the underclass in the entire entertainment industry, and artists earn the least money by making music.”

高王源几级的伯克利音乐学院毕业生曲扬也同意这样的观点：“在国内，大家默认的华语音乐比较好的时段已经过去了。”曲扬先后就读于上海音乐学院和伯克利音乐学院，在他进入上音的第一堂课，老师就在讲台上向学生提问——“有多少人是想通过音乐赚大钱的？如果有人是这样想的，建议赶快改行。”

Qu Yang, a graduate from the Berklee College of Music, who is senior to Wang Yuan, agrees with that view: "We believe that the best era of Chinese music has gone.” Qu Yang once studied at the Shanghai Conservatory of Music and the Berklee College of Music. During his first lecture at the SCM, the teacher asked students: “How many of you want to make a lot of money from music? If anyone thinks so, I suggest you change your career as soon as possible.”

早在王源还未出生时，世界音乐唱片行业就已经被盗版和流媒体播放器的浪潮冲毁，而他还未长成的童年时期，属于华语音乐的黄金时代也飞速落幕。那条通过音乐抵达人生更高舞台的道路，已经变得格外狭窄，王源清醒地知道自己的选择中存在足够多的不确定性，采访中他用三个“不知道”回答了关于未来更高成就的设想，但他同样清楚，选择一条更为艰难的道路，于他而言具有更多的必然性。

Long before Wang Yuan was born, the world's music record industry was already destroyed by a tidal wave of piracy and streaming media players. And in his childhood, the golden age of Chinese music came to an end. The road to the higher stage of life through music has become extremely narrow. Wang Yuan clearly knew that his choice came with uncertainty. In the interview, he said “I don’t know” three times to answer the question about his vision for future achievements. And he’s also aware that choosing a difficult path means more inevitabilities for him.

2019年9月3日，在飞往美国波士顿的航班起飞前，王源在微博上发布了新的消息：“去一个陌生的地方学习音乐，就是为了在未来能够把自己变得很好，带回更好的我。”少年成名的偶像早就明白，自己不仅代表作为单一个体的王源，时至今日，被太多人关注和推崇的他，身后亦有不少年轻一代紧紧追随。前行的力量得源于此，他需要变得更强大完美，才能更好地回馈身后的千万支持者。

On September 3, 2019, before the flight to Boston took off, Wang Yuan posted a Weibo: "Going to an unfamiliar place to learn music is to make myself good enough in the future and to bring back a better me.” He became famous while young and had long understood that he not only represents Wang Yuan as a single individual. Today he’s been followed and admired by so many people, including the younger generation. The strength to move forward comes from this, and he needs to be stronger and more perfect to give back to the millions of supporters behind him.

偶像王源

Idol Wang Yuan

“大家看舞台上亮吗？但我看你们很黑。”

——王源／2019年4月／《我是唱作人》对战赛

“Do you think it’s bright on the stage? But when I look at you, it’s actually very dark."

— Wang Yuan / April 2019 / The competition show “I Am A Singer-Songwriter”

作为千禧年代最具代表性的青少年偶像之一，王源身上有着诸多奇迹，他现在在微博上拥有7883万粉丝，单条微博创下过转发超4.7亿的记录。这群数量庞大的粉丝，还有着惊人的购买力：2016年5月，王源登上一线时尚杂志封面，杂志48秒售出71319册，打破了彼时圈内记录。这个记录在一年后又被他自己打破：2017年王源拍摄封面的杂志当期线上预售8秒16万册售罄，付款金额高达480万元。

As one of the most iconic millennial teen idols, many miracles happened to Wang Yuan. Now he has 78.83 million followers on Weibo, and a post from him has set record for more than 470 million reposts. This large number of fans also has amazing purchasing power: In May 2016, Wang Yuan made an appearance on a top fashion magazine. In 48 seconds, the magazine sold 71,319 copies, breaking the best selling record of that time. One year later, this record was broken again: in 2017, a magazine with cover of Wang Yuan was pre-sold online, 160,000 copies were sold out in 8 seconds and total sales amounted to 4.8 million yuan.

王源的影响力更在持续向多元圈层辐射。2017年，他被《时代》周刊评选为2017年30位全球最具影响力青少年之一；2018年11月，刚满18岁的王源又出任联合国儿童基金会大使，并于次年11月在联合国大会上发表中文演讲，呼吁关注儿童受教育权利。

Wang Yuan continues to radiate influence on multiple circles. In 2017, he was named one of TIME’s 30 most influential teens of 2017; in January 2018, Wang Yuan, who had just turned 18, became the UNICEF ambassador, and spoke at a high-level meeting held by UN General Assembly in November 2019, calling for children’s right to education.

与王源合作制作英文单曲《The Wrong Things》的北美音乐人Justin Gray曾在微博上发布了自己与王源合作的视频，播放量很快就超过了100万。“It's crazy.”看到数据的Justin Gray感叹道。

Justin Gray, a Canadian musician who worked with Wang Yuan on his English single "The Wrong Things", once posted a video about their collaboration on Weibo, which soon surpassed 1 million views. "It's crazy." Justin Gray was surprised when he saw it.

去美国念书后，国内的通告大量减少，但王源依旧被动地活跃在公众视野中心——近期他曾心血来潮在波士顿的公寓里下了两次厨，煎了一回牛排，还用火锅底料煮了“不一样的面”。他把这些发在了社交平台上，话题“王源煎牛排”“王源用火锅底料煮泡面”很快登上了微博热搜。而他在出国读书后参加的首档综艺里，因为小秀了一把厨艺，为其余嘉宾做了重庆小面，节目播出当晚，“王源温柔”的话题就成了粉丝热议的焦点。

After he went to US for study, the domestic schedules were significantly reduced, but Wang Yuan is still in the public eye passively — he recently cooked twice in his apartment in Boston, once for steak and once for noodles with hot pot broth. He posted these on social media, instantly the topics “Wang Yuan Cooked Steak” and “Wang Yuan Boiled Noodles With Hot Pot Broth” started trending on Weibo. In the first variety show he joined after studying abroad, he made Chongqing noodles for other guests, and “Wang Yuan Kind” became a hot topic for his fans on the night the show aired.

这种细致又过度的关注从七年前王源出道时，就如影随形。13岁的少年一路走来，为万人追捧的光环下，埋藏着各种各样的争论和质疑。这种分裂的现实持续打磨着这个少年偶像，让他飞速成熟，也让他变得足够细腻敏感。

People has been paying meticulous and excessive attention to him since seven years ago Wang Yuan debuted. The 13-year-old boy walked all the way to here, behind his popularity there are all kinds of arguments and doubts. The divisive reality constantly polishes this young idol, which makes him become mature faster than others, and be considerate and sensitive enough.

“害怕有一丁点不完美的事发生，害怕内心的成年跟不上身体的成年，害怕无法实现昨天预设下的明天。”在被视为内心“自留地”的《王源说》专栏里，王源这样描述成长给予他的焦虑，他把自我审视列为每日任务清单上的常见栏目，时时冷眼回视着这个跌跌撞撞向前走的自己。

“I was worried that things couldn’t go perfectly and my mental couldn’t keep up with my body. Also I was afraid of failing to achieve goals I set for tomorrow.” In the magazine column “Roy Says”, which is seen as a secret base for him, Wang Yuan described the anxiety of growing up. He puts self-examination on his daily to do list, and frequently looks back at himself, one stumbles forward.

2019年，参加华语唱作人挑战类节目《我是唱作人》时，王源在舞台上落了泪，当时他正在演唱自己作词作曲的歌曲《世界上没有真正的感同身受》。他的歌词写道：“面对其实只有一个人，一个人在夜里哭着，哭到头疼直到睡着，没有人能真的理解你啊，觉得虚伪你逢场作戏，我一直都会记得一句话，强大到无往不利……”唱到高潮处，站立在聚光灯最盛的舞台中心，抱着电吉他的王源红了眼眶。

In 2019, during a Chinese competition show “I AM A SINGER-SONGWRITER”, Wang Yuan shed tears on the stage when he was singing “Impossible Empathy”, a song written by himself. He said in the lyrics: “I face situations all alone. I cried alone at night with a headache till I fell asleep. No one can really understand you, people think you’re a hypocrite. There’s one word I always remember, be strong to conquer it all…” Wang Yuan teared up when he hold an electric guitar and stood in the center of the stage, singing the chorus.

开唱之前，他曾问台下的观众：“大家看舞台上亮吗？”

Before singing, he asked the audience: “Do you think it’s bright on the stage?”

“亮！”观众高喊着回答。

"Yes!" The audience answered in a loud voice.

“但我看你们，其实很黑。”攥紧话筒，这个穿着白衬衣的少年人慢慢说道。

"But I look at you, it's actually very dark." Holding the microphone, the young man in a white shirt said slowly.

同年，在一档访谈节目中，王源坦然把自己的成功归结为“十四亿分之三”的运气，他没有表现出“顶流”的骄傲，也不曾抱怨这难得的运气背后隐藏的其他一些东西，而是平静地一道接受了它们。

In a talk show of the same year, Wang Yuan frankly attributed his success to luck, “three out of 1.4 billion”. He didn’t behave arrogantly as a “top artist”, nor complained about anything behind his good luck, but accepted reality calmly.

“你不可能永远幸运，有一次幸运你就得把握好它”。镜头前，王源穿着深色西装，领带系得标准，眼神愈发沉静硬朗。

“You can’t be lucky forever. Once you have the opportunity, you have to seize it.” In front of the camera, Wang Yuan wore a black suit with a proper tie, and his eyes showed firmness.

成人王源

Wang Yuan as an adult

“长大也必然伴随着焦虑与敏感，唯一的解决之道，就是站起来、走出去，去做自己该做的、喜欢的、能做的事。”

——王源／2019年1月／专栏《王源说》之《长大这件小事》

“Growing up is always accompanied by anxiety and sensitivity, and the only solution is to stand up, to walk out, to do what you need to do, what you like to do, and what you can do.”

— Wang Yuan / January 2019 / Magazine Column “Roy Says”: The Little Thing Called Growing Up

曾有评论者将王源比作流量文化下为粉丝所“驯养”的那朵玫瑰——是大众虚拟希望和现实客体的结合，是玻璃橱窗里包装精美的脆弱花朵。

Some people once described Wang Yuan as a rose “domesticated” by fans in the context of current celebrity culture — he is a combination of people’s virtual hope and the realistic object, a delicate and attractive flower in the display window.

但七年的时间过去，王源的选择和行动正持续打破着这个定义的边界，他证明了自己确有为人叹服的美丽，但美丽的“玫瑰”却韧不可摧，也积蓄了独自抵御风雪的力量。这种独立生长的意愿在更早的时候就显现了出来。

However, after seven years since his debut, Wang Yuan's choices and actions repeatedly broke the boundaries of this definition. He has proved his charm, a beautiful but indestructible “rose” with strength to withstand the storm alone. And his desire to grow independently emerged even earlier.

2019年上映的王小帅导演作品《地久天长》里，王源饰演一个顶着死去孩子“刘星”的名字生活、最终选择拿回自己的名字去流浪的少年。片中，王源提供了最为本色的演出，他觉得这个角色就根植在自己的身体里。“我们是自我意识很强的一代人。”电影在柏林电影节上展映后，他这样评价道。

In a 2019 film “So Long, My Son” directed by Wang Xiaoshuai, Wang Yuan played a teenager who lived with the name of a dead child “Liu Xing” and eventually chose to take back his real name and leave home. Wang Yuan gave the most authentic performance in this film and he felt that this character took root in his body. “We are a generation with a strong sense of self awareness” He commented after the film premiered at the Berlin International Film Festival.

进入19岁的这一年，强烈的自我感知在王源身上更加鲜明地袒露出来。入学伯克利之前，王源发行了第一张真正意义上的个人专辑《源》，并在南京举办了首次个人演唱会。在那档他不顾团队建议、执意要参加的音乐节目中，他表现得格外具有“进攻性”。最开始的试听DEMO环节，当其他选手还在迟疑，他就第一个冲进了试音间。

The year he turned 19, the self-awareness of Wang Yuan was revealed more clearly. Before he went to Berklee, Wang Yuan released his first official album “YUAN” and held his first solo concert in Nanjing. He was surprising “aggressive” in the competition show which he insisted to attend despite objections from his team. At the demo session, he was the first to go into the audition studio when others hesitated.

一个多月里，被质疑没有作品的王源，接连拿出了《随想》《吆不到台》《世界上没有真正的感同身受》等五首原创曲目，而每次挑战赛他对战的选手，都是比他资深许多的乐坛老将。

During the six weeks, facing disapproval of his previous work, Wang Yuan continuously wrote five original song, including “Random Thoughts”, “Yao Bu Dao Tai” and “Impossible Empathy”. Every opponent he chose was much more experienced in the music industry.

“成年猛虎！”哪怕充满了紧张和不安，这个满脸胶原蛋白的年轻人也只是张开双臂，对着镜头晃晃拳头给自己短暂鼓劲儿后，就转身跑进了赛场。

“Adult tiger!” Although he felt stressed, this young man opened his arms and shook his fists in front of the camera to cheer himself up, then ran onto the stage.

“这一年，我觉得是成长最快的一年。几件大事情都是自己在做决定，自己在承担。”采访桌那头，王源的语气沉稳有力，和大家梳理着过去大半年的生活。

“I grew up the fattest this year. I made decisions and took responsibilities for several big things in my life.” From the other side of the table, his voice sounded deep and powerful. He shared his life in the past six months.

这个曾急切地想以“刚哥”的绰号摆脱固有标签的男孩，成年后更趋向于以“柔”作为新的进攻方式，也逐渐学会与自己的焦虑和解，找到了内心世界攻防相守的平衡。面对曾让他最头疼的写歌“难产”期，王源现在也淡定了很多：“以前抓耳挠腮，现在就不管了，等灵感来了再写。着急也没用，不如放轻松。”

In the past, he was eager to get rid of stereotypes and wanted to be called “Steel Brother”. After turning 18, Wang Yuan tended to attack in a moderate way. He gradually learnt to reconcile with his anxiety and found balance in his inner world. Even in face of challenges in songwriting that troubled him most, Wang Yuan is calmer: “I used to be stressed out but now I’ll leave it there until I get inspirations. Anxiety is not helpful, it’s better to take it easy.”

当然，某些时候你还是能看到他身上藏着的柔软和不安，去异国求学半年，除了工作需要，他基本都待在波士顿及周边。

Certainly you can still see the softness and worry hidden by him sometimes. During the past six months, he stayed in Boston and neighborhoods except for work.

“（长途旅行）挺危险也挺麻烦，虽然自由，但人生地不熟，一个人跑到一座新的城市，也没啥好玩的。”没课时，王源宁愿待在公寓看书写歌，或者和国内的小伙伴组队玩玩游戏。

“(A long-distance travel) can be dangerous and troubling. Although it’s free in an unfamiliar city but not much fun when you visit it alone.” In spare time, Wang Yuan would rather stay in his apartment, reading books, writing songs or playing games with friends in China.

当被追问是否从小就不习惯一个人去陌生的环境时，他淡淡答道：“不知道，我从小就出来工作了，没有一个人去过。”

When asked if he was not used to facing a new environment alone since he was a kid, he answered: “I don’t know. I started working young so I've never visited places alone.”

那些独属一个少年偶像的痕迹显露了出来。他过早地被这个时代选中，巨大的流量将他飞速推向成功，但接下来却又要花费十数年，跋涉过五光十色的山水，走出那片最初的福泽。对王源来说，成长的契机来得那样早，而长成的路也那样长。幸运的是，在赞歌和荣光的包围中，他牢牢防守住了自己的初心。

The unique features of a young idol gradually appear. He was chosen by the era too early, enormous popularity drove him to success overnight, and it may take years for him to walk through mountains and pay for the gift bestowed in life. For Wang Yuan, the opportunity came so early but it would be a long way to go. Luckily, even when surrounded by praise and glory, he firmly remembers why he started.

采访结束时，王源意外说起自己最近迷上了单板滑雪。“最大感受就是摔。摔得比较狠，是真疼。”他还是初学者，不久前才刚会换刃。早两年学习双板滑雪时，他从没摔过，但现在却只能在一次接一次摔跤的挫败中，慢慢爬起来，站回板上。

At the end of the interview, Wang Yuan mentioned that he got hooked on snowboarding recently. “The most impressive thing is falling. I fell badly and that really hurt.” He lately learnt how to turn on a snowboard and was still a beginner. Two years ago when he learnt to ski, he never fell. But now he has to overcome the frustration after falling over and over again, stand up and get back on the skateboard.

“是真的很挫败、很挫败，但从刚开始完全不会，后来能站上去慢慢往下滑，能一点点找到新的成就感。”说到这里，一直表情严肃的年轻偶像不知想到了什么，终于笑了起来。兴许把每一次尝试都当做fresh start，也挺好。

“It was really frustrating. In the beginning, I didn’t know how to do it at all, but now I can stand on the skateboard and go downhill slowly. It gives me a sense of accomplishment little by little.” When he talked about it, this young idol who looked serious during the interview seemed to think of something and finally smiled. Maybe it’s great to take every attempt as a fresh start.

translated by Mian, Sheep

proofread by Moni, Nancy

[geniedocroe]

Can I get a borhap and Queen ship? I’m 5’3, blonde, blue eyes, I Have a super broad music taste, I want to be an actress, I love to sleep as well as run (I’m probs the only person in the world) and I LOVE movies!

I ship you with Brian and Ben! I hope you enjoy 🖤

One day you saw Brian in a record shop. You couldn’t believe your eyes. Was that really Brian May? You loved Queen and you were sure it was him.

When you tried to take a closer look you noticed he was buying his own record. You couldn’t help but laugh. You didn’t notice that your laugh was way louder than you expected. Brian looked at you and wanted to die. You had never been more embarrassed in your life.

“Something funny?”

“It’s just that . . . isn’t that your record?”

He smiled so brightly at you that you couldn’t help but feel happiness spread through your chest. You’re whole heart swelled and after that you couldn’t really remember anything. You knew he asked you out and that your very first date was normal but you also knew that you’d want to go on many more dates with him.

Everytime you were stressed about Brian being away you would run. You’d run for miles. Wether it was daytime or nighttime, you were running. It gave you time to think and process your day.

When you weren’t running you were sleeping. You’d sleep from 6:00 pm to 11:00 am. It was so peaceful for you. You’d come home, eat dinner and sleep. You loved it.

Of course you loved hearing about what Brian liked. You’d listen to him for hours. Even though you didn’t really understand what he was talking about, you still found it so interesting. Brian found it adorable that you listened with so much interest.

When Brian asked you about the perfect date you couldn’t help but squeal. You’d want to stay at home, watch movies, eat popcorn, cuddle, and sleep. It was everything you wanted.

After work you came home and Brian was already there. Popcorn was set out on the coffee table, a movie was playing on the TV, and a blanket fort was built for the two of you. You almost cried at the sight. It was everything you wanted.

Brian and you had watched around 3 movies before he went to get something. You sat there for 5 minutes whilst nearly falling asleep. Brian came back to the fort and knelt beside you. Then he proposed. You screamed out the loudest YES you could.

The fort collapsed around you as the two of you went tumbling down from your hug. Brian has dropped the ring in the mess of fort materials. The two of you laughed about it and started to look for it. There really was such thing as a perfect date.

Not once did you regret walking into that record shop and laughing at the man that easily towered over you.

You had met Ben on the very first day of filming Bohemian Rhapsody. Gwilym was one of your bestfriends and he wanted you to be there with him. You were introduced to Ben but you didn’t have any romantic feelings for him at all.

As time progressed you started to feel something. Everytime you’d accidentally bump into each other your heart would jump and heat would rush to your face. You were rarely embarrassed by these things but Ben made you feel a m a z i n g.

Ben never really had romantic feelings for you either. About a quarter of the way through filming he started seeing a different you. He started seeing the real you and that’s who he fell in love with.

Everyday he’d come over and wake you up from your deep sleep which caused him to get hit with many pillows. Then he’d force you to get ready and run with him. You’d try to refuse but you loved running so you complied.

One day the both of you stopped in a park to sit on a bench and chat. You could see Ben glancing down at your lips every so often. Then you just kissed him.

That was the best decision you had ever made.

You tried to keep your relationship a secret but it was difficult. You wanted to scream that you loved Ben and he wanted to do the same. But you were afraid your friendship with Gwil would be damaged because Ben was his friend and he probably didn’t want his friends to date.

Hiding the relationship was really easy until you got pregnant. You and Ben had been together for a couple of months at that point. It was near the end of filming when you started to show.

Ben was so ecstatic. He desperately wanted to be a father. He’d try to spend every moment with you. As he would talk to you, he’d be getting dragged back to set.

Joe thought this was so funny. He didn’t know you were together and this caused him to tease Ben endlessly.

“Dude you’re obsessed with her!”

“Shut up Joe!”

You couldn’t hide being pregnant forever so you and Ben invited all the cast and some of the crew over to your house. Towards the middle of the night you stood up. Every turned in your direction.

“I wanted to announce two things.” You would glance at Ben and he stood too. “We both did actually.”

Gwil shot up and hugged you so tightly that you could’ve suffocated.

“I’m so happy for you both!”

“We haven’t even told you.”

“It’s obvious. You’re pregnant and you’re dating dating.” Lucy spoke up.

Apparently everyone had known for a long time but didn’t want to ruin everything. They loved having you around and they wanted you to be comfortable. You and Ben were shocked to say the least.

After your child was born, you asked Ben about marriage and the both of you agreed to get married.

Ben was the only person you could ever need. You were so happy to be starting a family with him. Your life was perfect.

[croissantbae]

Letter to Naya re Her Entry Into This World

You were born on June 24, 2019; four days past your due date but right on time from my perspective. You came on a Monday and gave me and your dad one last weekend to relish (though I think the most exciting thing we did was watch a movie). I don’t know if I should tell you this but before you were born, I wanted you to stay inside for as long as possible. You gave me no discomfort from the womb. In fact, my belly was small enough that even nurses said I looked 6 months pregnant instead of the 9 that I really was. You gave me no heartburn, no constipation, no major aches and no stretch marks. My fingers got swollen and a nice thick double chin grew in but I don't know if I can really blame those things on you - I gained 40 pounds through my own hard work. Other than the nightly hiccups and kicks in my gut, we (your dad and I) were all comfortable with your then-present living arrangement.

On June 23, I started feeling cramps but they went away after a few hours. I never even woke your dad up. I just endured the painful ones from bed and then got up to eat a mango. That seemed to appease you because the contractions died down after that and I went back to sleep at around 3 am. The day passed by without any issues but at 11 pm the contractions came back. They got stronger and stronger so I woke your dad up around midnight. I’d scared him a few times before as a joke so I don’t know if he realized it was actually go time but I showed him the contractions calculator and then he freaked out. He started packing things up getting ready to go but I knew this process could take a while so I got my work affairs in order and put my out of office message up. Your dad was not pleased with me. You’ll learn this soon enough about your dad but when he’s in a mood there is no reasoning with him. He gets into a zone and you just have to let him ride it out. So I put my things away and got ready to go to the hospital as well. I told him we were leaving too early but away we went, at his insistence.

We got to the hospital at 2 am and when the doctor checked my cervix, I was 3 centimeters dilated and 80% effaced. This will mean nothing to you until you have a child of your own but the hospital’s policy is to admit women only once they are 4.5 centimeters. I was given 3 options: (1) walk around the hospital floor for a few hours and check if I’ve progressed afterwards, (2) go home and come back if my contractions get closer together or (3) get pain medication and go home. I opted for number one so your dad and I walked around the fourth floor of the Kaiser hospital on Sunset from around 2 am to 4 am. I’m not entirely sure how to describe contractions. I want to say it’s like a stabbing pain but that’s not quite right because it’s all over your stomach. I wish I could describe it better but it appears I’ve already forgotten the precise sensation. It overtakes you at first but somehow I was able to endure it and after a while they felt tolerable. To speed up the process we did squats and talked about how strange this whole thing was; that your dad and I were about to enter into parenthood. I’m thankful we were there at such an odd time, without people everywhere, because I was farting all over the place and just could not hold it in. They were both noisy and smelly. Right before going back in to see how far dilated I was, I also pooped. Sitting on the toilet and pushing poop out while also feeling contractions was quite a journey. It felt impossible for a second but I conquered it. I was both glad that I was getting cleaned out and embarrassed that the doctor would be checking me immediately after a dump. Such is the business of giving birth: it’s messy. Trying to thoroughly clean myself, again, while feeling contractions, was another challenge. There’s a theme here.

Afterwards we went back in and I was exactly 4.5 cm dilated (though a part of me suspects that the doctor just had sympathy on us and admitted us out of pity). Once we were officially admitted, they asked me if I wanted to get the epidural then but I said I’d wait and walk around a bit more to keep the process going. We started walking again and I immediately regretted my decision. Once offered pain relief, each contraction felt unnecessary so the roaring, rolling pain became intolerable. Instead of walking for an hour like I had hoped, we walked for 30 minutes and called it quits. It was around 5:20 am and your dad and I were both exhausted. We went back and requested the epidural and ice water. The doctor who administered the epidural was an Indian woman with a British accent and she came in like a true veteran. She was there for business - no pleasantries were exchanged and it was perfect. She moved swiftly and was out within 5 minutes flat. She was there for such a short period of time but she left a big impression on me. I wish i caught her name so that I could request her again for the next time (assuming you’re going to have a sibling). The epidural felt like a drink of cold water for my entire body. Once the epidural numbed the contractions, your dad and I slept for the majority of the day. Your grandma came and went, leaving us to sleep and to run a few errands for herself, particularly since I stopped progressing and I had to be administered pitocin to encourage the contractions to keep going. I don’t know if it was because of all the medication but even though I hadn’t eaten in almost twenty four hours I had no appetite. I was cruising, letting my body absorb the cold epidural that was administered hourly. Throughout the day a sweet and soothing white nurse was assisting us, bringing us ice water and just being a calm angelic presence in the midst of everything. She left us alone for the majority of the day to just catch up on rest.

Finally, and suddenly, at 4:30 pm, the doctor confirmed that I was 10 centimeters dilated and the time to push had come. He noted that pushing would commence at 5 pm. While we waited to push, a Korean nurse with a thick accent and blunt demeanor took over. She received several personal calls and would leave the room to talk to the caller in Korean. There was one occasion where her and another nurse snapped at each other. Needless to say it seemed that it wasn’t just us that weren’t fans of her. I wasn’t sure what caused the switch but it looked like we were stuck with her and her alone. Unlike my assumptions about the process, instead of having a whole team of medical professionals in the room with us, only the Korean nurse was in the room with us, guiding us through the miraculous process of bringing life into this world; and her instructions to me were to “push.” Your grandma was on the right side of my body and your dad was on the left side trying to guide me in breathing exercises. Your grandma lifted up my right leg and your dad was trying to stay near my head so he wouldn't see my nether regions. That was the plan all along. As I began to push however, the nurse informed me that I wasn’t pushing correctly and that I needed to push better. Very helpful instructions. I knew what she meant though; all the pressure from my pushing was unfocused and diffused itself throughout my body. I was pushing with all of my might but it was useless if I couldn’t aim it appropriately. It was sort of like studying for a test but reading the wrong chapter. Grandma was already holding onto one of my legs but I asked her to put her palm against my foot so that I had something to push against. It helped immensely.

I asked Jason to do the same with my left leg. I could sense his hesitation but he did it; he really had no other option. Inevitably, he saw the gory mess I presumed my vagina had become. And, he cried. The nurse saw him and bluntly asked “why are you crying?!” He fumbled between tears, saying he hated to see me struggling and going through so much pain. Incredulous, the nurse then asked me “are you in pain?” I really wanted to tell her to shut up but instead I explained that while I couldn’t feel the contractions, I could feel pressure down there and I could feel waves of something. Once your dad and grandma applied pressure to the palms of my feet I was finally able to get into the hang of pushing and the nurse (whose name was Boedul) seemed pleased with my results. She told me I was doing a good job pushing. She asked if I wanted to see what was going on with a mirror. My mind was telling me no but my mouth said yes so she brought out a small mirror and I saw that which was formerly known as my vagina. As I pushed, hairy blackness appeared. Genuinely confused, I asked if that was you or me. It was you. I expected you to be bald so it was a complete shock to see so much thick black hair. At first I thought my pubes has gotten seriously out of control.

When I stopped pushing, the blackness disappeared. Even when I could see it, it was only a sliver of your head. Discouraged, I said in exasperation, “this is impossible!” But Boedul assured me again I was pushing well and she predicted that we would be pushing for another 20 minutes or so, 30 maximum. I couldn’t fathom how a whole head (I wasn’t even going to think about the body) could fit out of there that quickly. It genuinely seemed like an impossible task. Around this time, Boedul raised stirrups so that I could use it to push. I stared at her, incredulous that she was holding out on me. She must have sensed my anger because, unprompted, she explained that she didn’t raise them earlier because then it would be too tiring, which made no sense to me. After the whole process your dad and I had a moral dilemma as to whether we should call her out in the survey they send asking about our experience and anyone we interacted with in particular but in the end we decided to be cool and not say anything. Back to pushing, shortly after using the forceps, and making a lot of progress, a team of doctors and nurses came rushing in. Perhaps for the best they moved the mirror away so that the doctor could place herself in front of my vagina and guide the baby out. They said we’d be doing a few pushes together and I’d have to hold the push when they told me. We did maybe three of these guided pushes and all of a sudden your head was out. I couldn’t believe it; my job was done and I relaxed, ready to pack it up. But the doctor said I had to keep pushing to get your body out. I made one feeble push and the rest of you seemed to slip right out.

I don’t know if it was because of the medication or the adrenaline that was pumping in me but I didn’t cry or feel much of anything. I saw them take you to a station nearby to clean you up. I just observed everything, without fully feeling anything. I was neither happy nor sad. I just watched everything going on around me. I was surprised by how big you were. Given my belly size i thought you’d be small but at 21 inches you seemed like a full grown baby (not a newborn). They placed you on my chest and even then all I could do was observe the strange creature you were then wriggling on my chest. I won’t go into the details of what happened next (long story short, Eileen and your paternal grandmother and Jordan came to visit and your dad yelled at them for coming in during the golden hour - he was definitely hyped and still trying to process everything himself so he was a little jumpy and made Eileen cry; also your maternal grandma and Jason were hovering over you after they took you off my chest to get examined, but a particularly high level of hovering came from your maternal grandma I will say).

It wasn’t until about 24 hours later that I felt an overwhelming rush of emotions. Everyone was gone and your dad was sleeping on the pull out couch in the hospital room. You were laying in the plastic bin that hospitals use as a bassinet, next to my bed. Even though the room was dark, I stared at you, thinking about how perfect and wonderful you were and how thankful I was to God and the universe for allowing me to birth a healthy baby. I teared up as the feelings of love and gratitude filled me.

You’re almost a month old now and I love you so much more now than I did then. I even love it when you cry intensely and inconsolably; everything you do is so precious. Sometimes I just want to stare at you crying (but don’t worry I don’t do it… for too long). You make a duck face and stretch out when you wake up and after you eat. You grunt and cry for nipple, sometimes even when it’s already in your mouth. You’re getting more alert but also startled more. I know there will be (many) days where you’ll aggravate me (like last night when you wouldn’t sleep in your bassinet no matter how many times you fell asleep on my nipple) and I just won’t like you but for now I love you and everything you do, everything you don’t do and every sound that comes out of you.

[dobseventeen]

A New Beginning (Part 6)

A/N: I’m not sure why, but I really love this chapter? No specific reason, I just really enjoy it. Shoutout to the various anon’s who encouraged me to get this done tonight, you da real MVP’s. ALSO HUGE SHOUTOUT TO @veronicarapp because she is literally the inspiration for the reader’s friend “Sammy” that is introduced in this chapter. Like she is 100% Sammy. She’s also my tumblr bff, so it just makes sense, right? LOVE YOU BITCH. Anyways, I hope you guys like this chapter and are overall liking the direction I’m taking the story. Feedback is always appreciated!

Word Count: 5,246

Warnings: None really? (Cussing, kissing, fluff)

Summary: Y/N finally tells someone about her time spent with Dylan before they spend yet another evening together in LA. 

Previous Chapter: Part 5

Next Chapter: Part 7

You awoke to the sound of your phone ringing. You groggily lifted your head and looked around the room, trying to get your bearings. How long was I asleep? You were relieved when you saw that the sun was still shinning brightly through your hotel window. Your phone kept blaring its obnoxious ringtone, demanding that you answer it. You reached over to grab it from the bedside table, hoping you’d see Dylan’s name on the screen. 

Incoming call from: Sammy 👯

You smiled at the phone when you saw your best friend’s name. You and Sammy met your freshman year of college, randomly, while walking to the same party. To make a long story short, by the end of the night you were both shoving shots down each others throats and claiming that you’d be in one another’s weddings, even though you had only known one another for four hours at that point. You couldn’t have been more right though. Sammy had been there for you through everything; the little fights you had with your ex, the nights you took down way too much tequila, your break up, and your decision to finally move out west. She was your rock through and through, and you were certain you wouldn’t be where you were today without her spunky-ass. 

“Sammy! Hi!” you exclaimed into the phone.

“What’s up, bitch? You wanna tell me why I haven’t heard from you since you landed in Cali?!” she playfully barked at you.

Before you could give her an explanation, she continued, “Let me guess, you met some dreamy, LA guy who has been taking up all your time during the day, and then ramming you into his headboard at night?” 

You couldn’t help but let your mouth fall agape at her almost perfect assumption. Leave it to her to be able to know what you were doing without sharing one word with her. 

“Y/N/N? You there?” she asked.

“Yeah sorry, I, uhhh, I’m-” you stuttered. 

“OH MY FUCKING GOSH YOU MET A GUY.” she practically yelled into the phone. 

Your face grew red instantly, making you thankful that she was on the other side of the country and couldn’t call you out on it. 

“Okay, yeah, I may have met a guy the first night I got here...” you spoke coolly, trying to play it off the best you could.

“And you didn’t think to tell me?! What the fuck?!” she was now more excited than anything, and you felt bad for your downstairs apartment neighbors back home who were inevitably hearing everything she was screaming into the phone. 

“I’m sorry, Sam! I didn’t keep it quiet intentionally, I’ve just been with him... well, a lot.” you said hesitantly, knowing you were about to get the third degree. 

“Oh my fuck, okay, okay. Before I start prying all of that out of you, how did your interview go? Did you bomb it so you can stay here on the East coast with me?” she joked. 

You chuckled, “Nope, I landed it! I got the fucking job!” you were now the one screaming into the phone.

“That is so awesome, Y/N!!! I’m so happy for you, even though that means you’re leaving me.” she fake pouted. 

“You know you’ll be able to come visit whenever you want, and I’ll be home all the time to see everyone.” you reassured her.  

“I know, I know. Now, on to more important things; who the fuck have you been spending all your time with?!” she playfully shot at you.

“Okay, Sam, I’m going to need you to stay calm and not freak out, okay? Because if you freak out, then I’ll freak out, and I can’t afford to do that when I’m about to hangout with him again in a few hours.” you said in an authoritative tone. 

“Oh my god, is it a celebrity? HAVE YOU BEEN WINED AND DINED BY A CELEBRITY? Holy fuck!” she exclaimed.

“SAM! Chill out, okay? I’m not going to tell you until you’re calm.” you laughed at her.

You heard her take a deep, audible breath, “Okay, okay, I’m calm.”

You were now the one taking in a huge breath, since you hadn’t told anyone about your time with Dylan yet. This was about to make it real.

“Sammy... It’s Dylan O’Brien.” you said blankly, trying to fight the smile that made its way onto your face at the mention of his name aloud. 

The line was quiet. 

“Sammy, are you ther-” you were interrupted.

“OH. MY. GOD. Are you fucking serious right now? You can’t be serious? Dylan fucking O’Brien? The Maze Runner? The American Assassin? STILES STILINSKI?” she yelled into the phone, her voice laced with shock. 

“Yes, I am so serious. He’s fucking amazing, Sam. I’m not sure how I got so damn lucky, but I’ve been with him everyday since I got here.” you explained, failing to hide the giddiness in your voice. 

“TELL ME EVERYTHING.” she deadpanned back to you. 

At the same time, you heard a ding on the line, signalling a new text message. You removed the phone from your ear to look at the screen and saw Dylan’s name. 

“Y/N? Don’t you dare leave me hanging like this.” she warned.

“Sorry, I got a text, Sam, look ca-” you were interrupted again.

“IS IT FROM HIM?” she shouted. 

“Yes, it’s from Dylan. Look, Sammy, I promise to fill you in on all of the details later, but I have to start getting ready for tonight.” you said clearly, hoping she’d understand.

“Okay, okay, Y/N/N. I get it. You go be with an incredibly sexy movie star, while I sit here in our apartment watching Friends for the millionth time. But, Y/N, promise me you’ll be careful? The last thing you need is another prick to come in your life and mess it all up, I don’t care if he’s some big celebrity.” she said with an assertive tone. 

“I promise, Sam. I’ll talk to you later, okay? Love ya bitch.” you said in a sweet voice. 

“Love you too, homie!” she fired back.

Before you could take time to reflect on how much you appreciated your best friend for looking out for your well being, your phone dinged again with another text. 

Dylan O’Brien: “Hi Y/N! 😘 Finally done with my meetings for the day.”

Dylan O’Brien: “Hope you’re prepared for the most basic date of your life tonight. I really pulled out all the stops for this one!!!”

You chucked at your phone. You weren’t sure what he meant, but you were excited to find out. He could literally take you on a walk through Burbank and you’d be in heaven. You felt a strong surge of confidence as you typed your reply. 

Y/N: “Hey, Dyl. I can’t wait to see what you’ve got up your sleeves for tonight, you never fail to surprise me! How did your meetings go, babe?”

You instantly threw your phone onto the bed, cursing yourself for calling him “babe”. What the fuck is wrong with you? Before your anxiety could consume you, you phone dinged from under the comforter. You breathed a sigh of relief when you read his response, a warm feeling replacing the icy cold anxiousness that was previously coursing through you. 

Dylan O’Brien: “You’ll like what I have planned. Well, at least I think you will. I’ve been paying close attention to you over the last few days, babe. My meetings actually went great for once, making me that much more excited to come pick your cute ass up 😉”

You were still slightly in disbelief that you were already at this level with someone you had met only three days prior, regardless if it was Dylan O’Brien. Pet names never really became a thing until at least a week after knowing the guy. Sex definitely didn’t come along until at least the third date. You knew Dylan wasn’t a bad guy, hell he seemed like a great guy so far, and all you wanted to do was stay in this state of bliss with him forever, but you knew you needed to be smart about this. You didn’t regret any of the things that had happened thus far, but you needed to remind yourself to not get too caught up in it all. The last thing you needed to deal with was another broken heart, especially in a city that you couldn’t even officially call home yet.

Y/N: “Well, what are you waiting for, O’Brien? Me and my cute ass are waiting on ya 😉”

Dylan O’Brien: “How about I come by around 6 to pick you up?”

Y/N: “Sounds good, Dyl. See you soon 😘”

You hadn’t even checked the time since you woke up from your nap. You figured it was still early afternoon, 3 pm at the latest. Wrong. You did a triple take when you looked down at your watch. 

“5:11 PM?! WHAT THE FUCK!!” you said aloud.

You immediately went to the shower, completely pissed that you let yourself sleep that late. What the fuck Y/N? Now you’re going to look like shit for your date. Smooth. He’s never going to take you out again because you chose to sleep your life away! You continued ranting to yourself as you quickly showered and pulled yourself together. By the time the clock read 5:45 PM, you had already dried and styled your hair into a cute, low ponytail, lathered lotion across basically your whole body, and finished a majority of your makeup. All that was left was to pick your outfit and apply some lipstick. You were eternally grateful that he told you to dress comfy casual, because you were running out of going-out outfits that you packed for your week-long trip. You settled on a pair of denim shorts, clad with fashionable holes, a simple black tank top whose straps criss-crossed in the back, and your go-to pair of grey low-top converse. As you were applying a thin layer of pink lip gloss, you heard a knock at your door. A smile instantly spread across your face when you saw Dylan standing on the other side. 

“Hey, Dyl.” you said bashfully, still getting used to his captivating presence. 

“Hey, gorgeous. You ready to go?” he said with a wink as he extended his hand out to you. 

“Yepp, let’s see what you have in store for me tonight, O’Brien.” you teased as you gave his hand a small squeeze, him leading you down the hallway. 

You were driving down one of the main strips through LA, all the windows down in Dylan’s Range Rover, hand in hand with him, as you were both all but screaming the lyrics to “I Like Me Better” by Lauv. The sun was just beginning to set in the sky, casting a beautiful orange hue over the city. You began thinking to yourself about how sincerely happy you were in the moment. Not a care in the world, just you and Dylan, hand in hand under the sunset, singing so obnoxiously you could’ve laughed about it for hours. This must be what it feels like to be purely and genuinely happy. 

You leaned up to turn down the radio, Dylan instantly jerking his head in your direction. 

“What do you think you’re doing?! The best part was coming up!” he playfully barked at you. 

“Sorry, Dyl! I promise we can listen to it again. But I need a hint as to where we are going, the excitement is killing me, dude!” you exclaimed, leaning your head sideways towards him, your Ray-Bans covering your curious eyes. 

“Trust me, where we’re going isn’t that exciting at all, but I know you’ll like it. So, sit back and sing with me until we get there!” he said as he leaned forward and turned the radio back up. He flashed you a huge smile before he began his next Grammy-worthy performance for you. You threw your head back and laughed at his goofy personality, knowing you would’ve sat in his passenger seat forever just hearing him sing to you. 

“Oh my god, are you serious?!” you shouted as he flicked on his right turn signal, preparing to pull into the drive-thru of the one and only, In-N-Out. 

Dylan laughed before diving into his explanation, “Last night you said that you’d be more than happy if an In-N-Out was on top of that cliff and that you didn’t need a five course meal, so I’m taking you up on that.” 

You picked up his hand that was interconnected with yours and brought it to your lips, giving it a delicate kiss. 

“You’re something else, you know that?” you said, your gaze darting between his caramel eyes and his alluring lips. The second the SUV came to a stop, you leaned up and enveloped his lips into a quick but passionate kiss. You both smiled into the kiss as it broke, and looked deeply into one another’s eyes. 

“I know it’s not a typical place to go for a second date, but I promise I have more planned than just fast food hamburgers.” he said sheepishly.

“Dylan, it’s perfect. I love it because you actually listen to me and what I have to say. Like, you actually pay attention to me.” you said in a reassuring tone.

No one had ever listened to you or paid attention to you to the extent that Dylan had. First, he noticed the thing you had for looking at views and landscapes the day he drove you home from lunch, which led to your first real date. You always had an earnest appreciation and curiosity for your surroundings, whether it was a beautiful sunset, or some side street in the middle of LA.  Now, he had listened to something you had casually uttered while you were busy taking in the view of the LA skyline from that cliff for the first time. 

“I don’t understand how anyone could not listen to absolutely everything that leaves your mouth.” he said simply, flashing you a small smile. He seemed that he wanted to say more, but stopped himself. You were both then interrupted by the waitress taking your order. 

Dylan ordered your food and pulled up the drive-thru window. The waitress let out a small scream because she instantly noticed Dylan. Without hesitation, he reached over and reconnected his hand with yours that was resting on the center console, silently claiming you as his. The action made your heart flutter, even if it was only directed towards this random In-N-Out employee. 

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE DYLAN O’BRIEN!!!” she shouted as he traced his thumb over your hand. 

“Yeah, that’s me. It’s nice to meet you!” he spoke with such pure generosity. It warmed your heart to know that he genuinely cared about his fans. 

“I seriously love you SO much! Could we please take a selfie really quick?” she asked in a gawking tone. 

Dylan let out a small chuckle, “Of course we can!” 

The waitress angled her phone in a way that caught the two of them in the picture, with Dylan slightly leaning out of his window, an adorable smirk plastered across his face. You leaned back in your seat, not wanting to ruin the picture for the young girl. 

“Thank you so so so much, Dylan! I’ll have your food out in one sec!” she spoke nervously, obviously not expecting to meet a movie star at work today. 

“Well aren’t you just so sweet to your fans?” you cooed, having a new admiration for the man next to you. 

He let out a small laugh, “I owe everything to my fans, the least I can do is be nice and take a quick picture. I wish I could do more honestly.” he admitted.

Before you had a chance to reply, he spoke again, “She didn’t get you in the picture did she?”

A small pit in your stomach formed. Did he not want to be seen with me? 

“Uhm, I don’t think so. I leaned back and tried to get out of the way.” you said lowly, averting your gaze from his face to the control panel of the Rover. 

“Okay. I don’t want you to think I’m trying to keep you a secret or whatever, I just don’t want the paparazzi to get a hold of it and drag you into something you aren’t ready for.” he explained reassuringly, noticing your personality shift. 

“I get what you’re saying. Make sense.” was all you could murmur. You weren’t sure how you felt about that aspect of this new “relationship” or fling or whatever you wanted to call it. You totally understood where he was coming from and you appreciated that he wanted to look out for you, but a part of the whole ordeal stung, and you weren’t exactly sure why. Your thoughts moved away from topic once the waitress handed Dylan your food and he began driving away. 

“Now where?” you said, trying to break the awkwardness of the previous conversation. 

“Haven’t you learned by now that I’m just never going to tell you? Everything is a surprise with me, gorgeous.” he said, turning to flash you a toothy smile. 

“Ughhh, you kill me, babe.” you said before realizing the words that had left your mouth. Your eyes instantly got wide and your cheeks turned red. You were completely embarrassed at your lack of filter as you stared straight through the windshield, looking at the passing streetlights. 

Dylan noticed your bashful reaction and placed his hand on the exposed skin of your thigh, “You’re so cute... babe.” ending it with a charming wink. 

You exhaled a breath you didn’t realize you were holding, thankful that he wasn’t weirded out by your new nickname being said aloud for the first time. Your sense of relief was accompanied by the Rover turning into a small gravel driveway, located about ten minutes from the main road you were just cruising down. You couldn’t tell where the path was leading, which instantly reminded you of the woods from the night before. 

“You sure you’re still not planning to kill me in the middle of the woods, O’Brien?” you said jokingly.

“I wouldn’t dream of it. At least not until I know the PIN to your bank account.” he said as he turned the SUV sharply.

“HAHAHA you’re so funny!” you said obnoxiously, finally taking notice of where you were headed.

About one hundred yards in front of you stood a ticket booth with a huge silver screen located some feet behind it. A drive-in movie, how much more romantic could this guy fucking get? 

“You really are one of a kind, aren’t you?” you said, a delighted grin resting on your face. 

“You make it easy, Y/N. You’re always so excited anytime I do something to surprise you, it makes me want to do cute shit like this for you everyday.” he said sweetly with an honest tone. 

You turned to face him as you rested your head against the head rest, “I’m not worthy of you.” you spoke softly. You were only half serious. Maybe. 

“You’re crazy if you really believe that.” he said, leaning over and giving your forehead a gentle kiss. You brought your hand up to cup his cheek, and as he began to pull away, you leaned up and connected your lips to his. He mirrored your actions and brought both hands up to hold your face as he fell deeper into the kiss, swiping his tongue over your bottom lip, seeking an entrance. You turned your head to the side, allowing his tongue to move rhythmically with yours. He tenderly bit on your lower lip, eliciting a breathy moan from you, that was lost in the depths of the kiss. As you both broke apart, you looked deeply into his whiskey eyes that were now gleaming from the moon and stars that covered the sky above you both. You silently thanked the guy who invented the sunroof. 

“Let’s go get our tickets, babe.” he said, winking at you as he stepped out of the car. 

You both walked hand in hand to the ticket booth, arms swinging like you were school children going to recess. You could get used to the feeling of his hand interconnected to yours, giving you a sense of comfort you hadn’t felt in ages. 

“So what are we seeing, Dyl?” you asked, knowing damn well you’d sit through any movie as long as you were by his side. 

“Well, there are two really good drive-in’s around here, each playing a different movie. The other one is uhm... well, it’s playing The Death Cure. And I didn’t want to spend our second date watching me.” he let out with a chuckle. 

You giggled at his shyness, “I totally would’ve been okay watching you on the big screen, but I get why you didn’t want to. I’m seriously happy watching whatever.”

“I’m glad you understand, some people don’t get it. Not only is it kinda weird to watch my own movie on the second date, but it’s also still kinda... hard for me to watch.” he admitted, lowering his head. 

“What do you mean?” you questioned, having no clue what he meant by that. 

“You don’t know what happened?” he was genuinely shocked and relieved that you weren’t aware of his accident. 

“Nope, I have no clue what you’re referring to... but I’ll understand if you don’t want to talk about.” you spoke lightly, not wanting to seem like you were prying. 

“No, no, it’s okay, It honestly nice to know that you didn’t already know about it.” he admitted. 

He continued, “Well, the reason it took The Death Cure three years to come out after The Scorch Trials is because I got banged up pretty bad while filming it.” 

“How bad is pretty bad?” you said, looking at him with wide eyes and raised eyebrows. 

He pointed to the scar on the right side of his nose, “You see this right here? Long story short, I was doing a stunt on a moving vehicle and it all went wrong. I had to have facial reconstructive surgery. It was a huge mess and it’s taken me a long time to come to terms with it.” he seemed more solemn and withdrawn than you had ever seen him, and the sight broke your heart. 

“Oh, Dylan, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I can’t even imagine what it must have been like... You’re such a strong person, not only for being able to overcome that and continue on with the movie, but in general just being able to have a recovered and have such a good grip on it.” you said openly, hoping he’d understand just how serious you were in the moment. He gave your hand a gentle squeeze as you both continued towards the ticketing booth. 

“Thanks, Y/N/N. I really appreciate that. It was tough, but I made it through and I’d like to think I’m doing better now.” he said, giving you a reassuring smile. 

“You’re doing great, Dyl. I don’t know all the details, but you’ve already done so much since then, including American Assassin, finishing the Death Cure, and landing this new role that you’ve been negotiating. You’re amazing, please don’t ever think anything different.” you confessed, meaning every single word. 

Dylan knew in that moment that he needed to keep you around as long as he could. Most people simply react to his accident as “yeah that really sucks, can I get an autograph?” or they will completely downplay the severity of it, making him seem like he’s overreacting. You were one of the few people who genuinely respected his healing process with it and recognized how difficult it was to come back, even if you barely knew any details. 

“Now I’m pretty sure I’m not worthy of you.” he said, looking down at you through his sunglasses appreciatively.

You gave him a light nudge with your hip and a wink, “Whatever you say, O’Brien. By the way, you wanna tell me why you’re still wearing your sunglasses? It’s 100% nighttime now.” 

“Unless you want to share me with any of my fans that might be here, I think it’s best that I leave them on until we get back to the car.” he explained.

“Ahh, makes sense. It’s going to take me awhile to get used to the fact that you’re a celebrity, or whatever.” you said nonchalantly, rolling your eyes jokingly. 

“You’re fucking kidding me.” you exasperated as you read the marquee above the ticket window.

“TOP GUN?! This is one of my favorite movies!” you exclaimed, giving Dylan a bright smile. 

“I had a feeling you were either into 80′s movies or Tom Cruise, so it was an easy choice compared to, well, my movie. ” he said while reaching for his wallet. 

“You know me so well, babe.” you said giving him a wink. You were surprised how much easier the pet name rolled off your tongue this time around. 

At the same time you reached up and gently grabbed his arm, “Dyl, please let me pay for the tickets. You’ve already done so much for me this week.” 

He creased his eyebrows at you, but stepped aside and let you order the tickets. You leaned up on your elbows at the ticket booth window, slightly sticking your butt out and moving it back and fourth slightly, giving Dylan a show. You heard him mutter something behind you. You looked back with a devilish smirk across your lips, he rolled his eyes at you playfully and threw his head back while running his hand through his hair. Mission accomplished. 

You both now sat, cuddled on a blanket beside his car. Your head rested on his chest and his hand traced up and down your back as you watched the classic Tom Cruise movie. You couldn’t help yourself from quoting every other scene. You were slightly worried you were being annoying, until Dylan starting doing it along with you. You both erupted into laughter anytime you’d both say the same phrase at the same time. Both of you were truly in a state of bliss that you never wanted to come out of. 

“You know they’re making a Top Gun 2?” he asked.

“Uhm yes! I’m overly obsessed with this movie, so when I found out there was a sequel in the works, I basically died. They’re taking forever to get it figured it out though.” you said, feigning anger.

“If I tell you something do you swear not to tell anyone else?” he whispered, even though there weren’t any people within thirty feet of you. 

You were instantly filled with curiosity, “Yes, I promise!” 

You were now sitting up, looking down at his perfect face, the moon casting a beautiful glow over his features. 

“Well, my manager may or may not have scheduled me an audition for one of the leads in it.” he said coolly, trying to play it off like he was sly. 

“DYLAN. YOU’RE KIDDING. You better not be messing with me!” you deadpanned. 

He laughed aloud at your intensity over the topic, “I promise I’m not messing with you! It’s still very much in pre-production, but I’m definitely interested. So we will see.” he revealed with a shrug of his shoulders. 

“I’d literally KILL to see you in one of the flight uniforms they wear.” you teased as you returned your head to his chest. 

“Well, some day you just might.” he said giving your shoulders a light squeeze, pulling you closer. 

Before you had the chance to continue the conversation, Dylan’s phone began ringing in his pocket. He quickly reached down to grab it as you retreated from his embrace. He sighed when he read the contact. 

“I’m so sorry but I have to take this, I’ll be right back, okay?” he apologized as he started walking away from you, his hand running through his hair nervously. You waved him off, giving him an understanding nod. Your mind began to wander, coming up with different scenarios that could be playing out in the phone call. 

From the distance you could hear Dylan whisper-shouting into his phone. “No, I’m not okay with that. That is not what we discussed earlier.” 

You didn’t want to eavesdrop, but he was making it hard with the volume he was using, “We agreed to wait two months, I don’t understand what the issue is.” 

The conversation continued for about a minute longer, and the only other thing you heard before he returned was “Okay, well I guess I’ll just have to deal with it and figure something out. Thanks, talk to you tomorrow.”

He seemed visibly more tense when he returned to the blanket, his hand still avidly running through his hair. Your heart sank a little at the sight. You hated seeing him anything less than happy. 

“Is everything okay, Dyl?” you questioned, a hint of nervousness in your voice. 

“Yeah I’m okay, just some work stuff. No big deal, I’ll deal with it tomorrow.” he said, giving you a half-hearted smile. You could tell there was more to the story, but it wasn’t your place to pry, so you let it go. When he sat back down, he put both legs on either side of your body and wrapped his arms around your shoulders and chest, pulling you into him, your head resting in the crook of his neck. You were relieved that he was still wanting to be in the moment with you, regardless of whatever news he just received. He pressed a soft kiss into your hair and you fell further into him, loving the feeling of being wrapped up in his strong arms once again. 

As much worry and annoyance was running through Dylan’s veins from his phone call, all of it seemed to drift away the second you were in his grasp. He was so thankful for you in that moment, even though you had no idea what was happening. You would know soon enough though. 

The ending credits began to play and everyone in the drive-in lot began to pack up. You began to pull away, but your movements were restricted by Dylan’s grip on you. 

He leaned in towards you, “Can we just lay here for a few more minutes?” he whispered. 

“I’d love that.” you said sweetly as you turned and pressed a small kiss into his bicep that was just to the left of you. You weren’t lying either. It felt like everything you had ever wanted or dreamed of existed in this moment with him. Every wish upon a star or birthday candle was for this moment to simply come to fruition. Every stupid boy you’d ever had to deal with before this meant nothing compared to bliss that you were currently enveloped in. All you wanted was to lay there with him all night, feeling his chest rising and falling behind you as he breathed in the smell of your floral shampoo. 

After a few minutes Dylan spoke up, “You ready to get out of here, gorgeous? I want to show you something.” he hummed into you ear. 

“I’d go anywhere with you, Dyl.” you cooed as you pressed a kissed onto his hand. 

He sure hoped you meant that. 

Next Chapter: Part 7

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[carmineclock]

Old Ass RP, finally finished, more at 3

pixelpixies 06/12/2017

[txt] hey three, you free?

rooty 06/12/2017

[txt] Depends. Was that rhyme intentional or just lucky?(edited)

pixelpixies 06/12/2017

[txt] what if it was both?

rooty 06/12/2017

[txt] Of course it was. What's up?

pixelpixies 06/12/2017

[txt] i wanna tell you somethin' in private!

rooty 06/12/2017

[txt] Now you got me hooked. Where and what?

pixelpixies 06/12/2017

[txt] my room? i dunno, shouldn't take long.

rooty 06/12/2017

[txt] You're making me move for some kinda secret I don't even know yet? Fiiiine. Be right there.

pixelpixies06/12/2017

[txt] well i don't know if yours has sharks or cats in it. >;PP 

[txt] if i deliver food to you later will it be even, dork?

rooty06/12/2017

[txt] The answer is both. 

 [txt] Be right there.> And you're right there. Knock knock knock.

pixelpixies06/12/2017

> Swing door open and tug him inside.

rooty06/12/2017

> Eek. "Yes hello hi I'm here and can walk myself."

pixelpixies06/12/2017

"Don't be a baby!" 

> Close door and plop down on your bed. 

"Sooo, uh, I'm prob'ly overthinkin' things from three thousand years ago but y'know I wanna cover bases and all that, ay?"

rootyLast Thursday at 10:07 AM

crawls in here three years later ---- "And what bases would that be?" > You'd prefer to take a chair of available. But the bed shall do too. Especially considering the chair would probably be Clover-sized.

rootyLast Thursday at 10:38 AM

> Quirk an eyebrow. You never know where Clover is trying to go with a thing. "I sure did. What about it?"

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 10:38 AM

"I um....I wanted to ask you for advice."

rootyLast Thursday at 10:46 AM

> Sigh. You know, you do feel honored that Clover comes to you to ask, but why's it gotta be about this? "Regarding Deuce?"

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 10:47 AM

"Yeah."

rootyLast Thursday at 10:50 AM

> You take a moment to just put yourself into a fitting mindset, trying to stay very open and not critical and definitely not pissed. "Alright, and what's the issue?"

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 10:52 AM

> You're giving him your trust don't do this to him. > You shift anxiously.

rootyLast Thursday at 10:53 AM

> You're trying. "You came to ask for advice, didn't you? So, what's wrong?"

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 10:55 AM

"...He's in love with me and I think I fell for him and we both know what we're doing and I'm pretty sure we both have thirty different plans in mind for how we're going to kill each other one day and I can handle it but I don't know if somebody here's going to wanna stab me for it."

rootyLast Thursday at 11:07 AM

> Sigh. Not an annoyed sigh. More like a very short exhale, like, 'welp, yep, that's a thing.'  "Well, I think you're - ehem - lucky there. Out of all the crews, Deuce is generally the one with the least conflict potential. I mean, you know. I'm not a fan. That much is true. I don't know if anyone else would be more pissed than that. Aaand all things considered, I bet Deuce hates me more than vice versa." > There have been some events. And lost fingers. No regrets tho. "I don't think you got a stabbing coming for it. Tho I gotta ask, do you really want to go through with that?  Even if you think you can handle it now.. It's easy to believe that until you're in too deep to back out. And.. even if it's all clear and simple to you, which I'm sure it is, it will be hard for others to not question your loyalty at least a little bit, you gotta understand that."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 11:10 AM

> A soft sigh. "It....yeah. I mean. The idea of not staying around him already hurts. And we don't...need to be official, like we ever could. Can't go around telling the whole city we've decided to be Romeo and Juliet." > Ptthththh. "Also it still hurts the idea I'd pull a Malcolm."

rootyLast Thursday at 11:18 AM

"I'm sorry I said that. Iii guess it was a little unfair. But I think you can understand that it's been a lot. I'm just concerned you guys. For us all. And while you're surely more clever and conscious when it comes to this, it still begs the question whether it's worth it." > Rub the bridge of your nose. "Well, I think you got enough of my opinion on this. Was there anything else about it you need help with?"

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 11:21 AM

"Yes, I need a hug."

rootyLast Thursday at 11:25 AM

> You stare at him, baffled for just a second. Then smirk. This guy, I swear. > Not that this was out of the ordinary for Clover, you've just been in a very different mindset until just now. "Acceptable." > Arms are open.

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 11:27 AM

>Climb into arms and make little worry noises. Aaaa don't hate me.

rootyLast Thursday at 11:28 AM

> Pat his back and thoroughly ruffle his hair. You don't hate him just some of his decisions.

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 11:32 AM

> The hair ruffles have been received. You seem to calm down. "...Thank y', T."

rootyLast Thursday at 11:33 AM

"Thank you for coming to me, I suppose."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 11:35 AM

"Pardon?"

rootyLast Thursday at 11:39 AM

"I mean, I wouldn't blame you if went to basically anyone but me. But you still chose to speak with me about this topic. So, thanks for that trust."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 11:41 AM

> You lean back and stick your tongue out for a moment. >:P "Are you sayin' I shoulda gone to somebody else?"

rootyLast Thursday at 11:42 AM

"Dunno. Have you tried asking Doc?" > That was only half a joke. For all Trace knows, Scratch would probably whip anyone else for that, but Clover may just get a pass.

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 11:43 AM

"I hate you shut up--"

rootyLast Thursday at 11:43 AM

> Snort. "No you don't and no I won't."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 11:44 AM

> Puts hand over his mouth.

rootyLast Thursday at 11:50 AM

> Hey. Lick that hand. >B[> You COULD bite it, but the two of you know you won't

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 11:55 AM

> You poke his tongue and make a face at him.

rootyLast Thursday at 11:57 AM

> The tongue is there to stay.

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 12:03 PM

> You wipe your hand on his front. "Guess what. You did."

rootyLast Thursday at 12:06 PM

> That's fair." "I did what."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 12:07 PM

"You shut up."

rootyLast Thursday at 12:08 PM

"You got me there."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 12:09 PM

"...Can we hang out more?"

rootyLast Thursday at 12:10 PM

"Sure we can. Now or in general?" > The answer is probably both.

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 12:10 PM

"All."

rootyLast Thursday at 12:12 PM

"Can do."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 12:12 PM

"Also is Fin cool with me bein' all affectionate, and are you, 'cause frankly I never really know with you guys."

rootyLast Thursday at 12:15 PM

> Something something others can't understand you if you don't know yourself. "Probably. Maybe. We're both very jealous creatures, just as we're unfortunately flirty. I generally just don't like to be left out."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 12:18 PM

"Sounds about right." > Tiny bittiest peck on the lips.

rootyLast Thursday at 12:39 PM

> Groan, then chuckle. Just what are you supposed to do with this guy.

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 12:39 PM

"Whatcha thinkin'?"

rootyLast Thursday at 12:43 PM

"Wondering why everything and everyone I like keeps giving me so many headaches."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 12:43 PM

"You think too hard about 'em probably."

rootyLast Thursday at 12:44 PM

"Probably. How do I stop that?"

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 12:51 PM

> A pause. "...Well, I could give you a serious answer."

rootyLast Thursday at 1:00 PM

> Snort. "I didn't expect one, but I'm listening."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 1:02 PM

"Personally, everyone used to give me headaches too, and then I just kind of decided that I'd either have to put up with that forever or I'd focus on loving what's good about 'em no matter what fuckery they're getting up to. I settled on the latter, but it was somethin' I had t' convince myself on, you know? Th' kind of deal that's...accepting somebody might always be some stupid way, or that it'll take forever, and just not lettin' it drain me 'til I can't see what I love as clear. I deal with everyone by jus' starin' at the silver linings all the time."

rootyLast Thursday at 1:08 PM

> Lean back and stare into empty space to mull this over. "That sounds reasonable. And easier said than done." > Long down and bonk lean your head on his. "But thank you."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 1:11 PM

> Grin, pleased. "Killing people with kindness is kind of my thing, but it can save somebody's life just as well."

rootyLast Thursday at 1:23 PM

"I guess that's your silver lining." > B)

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 1:24 PM

"Your silver linin' is that you're clever as hell, clearly."

rootyLast Thursday at 1:26 PM

"I'd say that's more of a curse but thank you."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 1:26 PM

"One man's trash-"

rootyLast Thursday at 1:28 PM

"That's true, some people quite like trash."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 1:29 PM

"You're a doofus you know that."

rootyLast Thursday at 1:30 PM

"Now that's just rude." > Fake offended.

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 1:32 PM

"Whatcha gonna do about it?"

rootyLast Thursday at 1:33 PM

"I dunno. Leave?"

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 1:34 PM

"Boring."

rootyLast Thursday at 1:35 PM

"I live to disappoint."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 1:36 PM

"You live to fuck Fin and make ships in bottles."

rootyLast Thursday at 1:37 PM

"Same difference."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 1:38 PM

"Could live to fuck me too."

rootyLast Thursday at 1:39 PM

"Like I said, I live to disappoint."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 1:39 PM

"Hey now.">Nip his neck.

rootyLast Thursday at 1:41 PM

> Cackle."I mean, hey, that's not in the realm of the impossible, but it definitely gotta involve Fin."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 10:51 PM

> You blow a raspberry against his neck fucking take that nerd.

rootyLast Thursday at 10:55 PM

> Screech and growl. HOW DARE.> PINCH HIS SIDES because that's the only way you know how to help yourself.

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 10:58 PM

> You make a squeaking noise and smack his hands away, but you're laughing. Mock his growl.

rootyLast Thursday at 10:59 PM

"You know, I don't take an attack on me lightly." > More very threatening and very fake growling.

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 11:00 PM

"Oh I'm so fuckin' scared." > Snort.

rootyLast Thursday at 11:01 PM

"You should damn well be." > Pinch his side again, then wiggle yourself free.

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 11:02 PM

> Smak that hand. You slip off of him as he wiggles and get up. > Grrrrr. But it sounds more like you're purring, honestly.

rootyLast Thursday at 11:10 PM

> Snicker and flop across the bed. "Guess you defeated the big bad shark. Hope you're satisfied now."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 11:11 PM

> Climb onto him. Snuggle time. "Lazy shark."

rootyLast Thursday at 11:13 PM

"Lies and slander."

pixelpixiesLast Thursday at 11:15 PM

"Hardly."

rootyLast Thursday at 11:16 PM

> Huff, then snicker. Snuggle time indeed.

[pianosmasher]

for the ask meme: odd numbers!

Oh, worm? Alright let’s do this shit

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?Since I already answered this song, here’s six songs that I listened to the most when I was sixteen:

”Thrash Unreal” - Against Me!”An Ocean Between Us” - As I Lay Dying”The Modern Leper” - Frightened Rabbit”The Outer Banks” - the Album Leaf”Hide and Seek” - Imogen Heap”Jesus” - Brand New3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.“No you listen here, buckaroo.” Could not have picked a better line if you asked me to.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?“Hell yes!”

7: What’s your strangest talent?I can juggle and do a few of those metal screams.

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?One of each, though both authors have never admitted it to me specifically.

11: Do you have any strange phobias?I’m terrified of anything with a stinger, but that’s about it.

13: What’s your religion?Whatever it is, I’m losing it.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?Behind the camera. I love catching candids of my friends, and I’m not very photogenic anyway.

17: What was the last lie you told?I told my boss that I needed caffeine before I could talk to him (I don’t - just like mornings to myself), though most people will say my last lie was that last part to the previous question.

19: What does your URL mean?Too long to explain in full here, but basically: to me, piano as an instrument represents the way the art of music can endure in spite and because of institutionalized learning practices. Guitar, meanwhile, represents the improvised result of a pure drive to create the art in one’s heart by any means necessary. Between those two ideologies, I’ll side with the guitar every time.

21: Who is your celebrity crush?Oscar Isaac.

23: How do you vent your anger?Decimate them in a verbal argument - in my head if I’m angry for a bad reason, out loud if I’m angry for a good one.

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?Phone calls are the best. Nothing feels better than shooting the shit with someone through my headphones while I stare at my bedroom ceiling. 

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?The sound of a perfectly tuned E major chord on a guitar in standard tuning puts me at such an ease. The worst sound is probably a fork scraping across the surface of a plate.

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?Ghosts, nah. Aliens, maybe.

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?Cat hair.

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?I’ve only ever been to the east coast, so either that side wins by default or I should be disqualified from making this decision

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?Figuring out the best way to kill our time and reach people.

37: Do you believe in luck?More than most things.

39: What time is it?I started this at 11:30 PM last night. Then my computer crashed and I lost all my answers, so I’m going back through it again at 10:27 AM this morning. So pick your favorite of those?

41: What was the last book you read?At Your Own Risk, by Derek Jarman

43: Do you have any nicknames?None that have stuck around, unfortunately.

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?I had a gash in my knee when I was seventeen due to a skateboarding accident. Not fun. I spent my first three weeks of summer bedridden that year. 

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?Between the Buried and Me.

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?Too many to count at this point.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?Not as a general rule, no. I tend to be forgiving to a fault, and try as best as I can not to regret that tendency.

53: Do you save money or spend it?I feel I have a good balance of both, knowing when to treat myself and when to live off rice and beans for a while.

55: Love or lust?Love is easier.

57: How many relationships have you had?I think this is my ninth?

59: Where were you yesterday?First work, then rehearsal at Champion studios, then Starbucks for a production meeting, then back to rehearsal, and then home to feed the cat.

61: Are you wearing socks right now?Yes.

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?Ask them to talk to me as long as they like about something they’re passionate about, actually engage with what they’re saying to me, and finally learn more about that interest in my spare time to show them that I care.

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.@teddyberika has the best shitposts. @shortsightedseer has the worst ones. @peoplegettingreallymadatfood always surprises me beyond belief. @animalmusicthemes is a recent favorite. @shitmystudentswrite is an old favorite.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?Trying to fill this out the first time and watching the new Lindsay Ellis video on Marxism.

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?Are you kidding

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?I’m saving the dog. My boss could be bluffing, but the dog definitely isn’t.

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.I honestly can’t tell the difference between the two.

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?5309

77: How can I win your heart?Take your time and take me as seriously as I take you.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?Moving to NYC.

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?“Did everything he could while he could.”

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.An actual, beating heart.

85: What’s the last song you listened to?“Famine Wolf” - Between the Buried and Me

87: What is your current desktop picture?A possum covered in paint, making art on a canvas spread out across the floor

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?“Who are your friends?”

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?Teleportation. Eat your vegetables, kids.

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?No specifics due to involving real life people who don’t need to be name dropped on Tumblr Dot Com, but I burned a bridge a while back that I’d still rebuild, if given the chance.

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?Nashville. I owe it to David and my mom, and I miss all the music, too.

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?Actually… not that I can remember? As much as I’ve vomited in my life, it’s never been due to motion sickness.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?Register to vote.

[alicedoessurveys]

95 Questions

1. What is something that is bothering you right now? my hands hurt, the cold weather has sent my skin crazy

2. Will you be in a relationship one month from now? nope

3. Who was the last person to see you cry? probably mom. I cant remember the last time I cried tbh, since my nan died I seem to have ran out of tears.. ugh that sounds so emo

4. Do you drink bottled water? yes

5. What was the last thing you drank? summer fruits squash with sparkling water

6. Do you hate the last person who called you? no I love Jaz she's fabulous 

7. Where is your best friend right now? they’re probably both in their beds watching telly

8. Do you believe in love? yes

9. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? snow

10. If you’re being extremely quiet, what does that mean? tired, annoyed, sad, scared

11. Is the last person of the opposite sex you texted single? yes

12. Tell me about the shirt you’re wearing: its a very oversized baggy sweatshirt that I wear on lazy days 

13. How long have you lived in your current home? since 2002, so 16 years 

14. You never know what you have until it’s gone. True or false? sometimes true 

15. Are you sad when someone says they hate you? yes

16. Are you scared of losing the person you like to someone else? so scared

17. Will you be in bed in the next 20 minutes? I hope so

18. Do you laugh at inappropriate times? yes, I giggle when im uncomfortable which is most of the time 

19.  What time did you wake up today? 6.45am

20. Would you rather be single all your life or grow old with someone? grow old with someone 

21. How many bracelets do you have on right now? none

22. How long have you liked the person you like right now? a few months 

23. Is there someone of the opposite sex you can talk to? yes, my 3 best friends are all male 

24. Do you like mac n cheese? yes, but it makes me feel sick after

25. Do you get mad when people don’t text back? I dont really tend to get mad, more anxious that ive done something to make them hate me 

26. What does your phone do when it receives a text? makes a noise

27. How late did you stay up til last night and why? about half 12

28. Are you going out of town soon? ive only just come back to town

29. Think back to Februrary, how was your love life? non existent 

30. Will you regret your next kiss? I hope not 

31. What is in your pocket? I dont have any pockets on me 

32. Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night? no.

33. Are you happier now or 5 months ago? now

34. Are you usually wide awake when you wake up? no, not at all 

35. Can you remember the last person you texted without looking? Addison 

36. Can you sleep without blankets covering you? in the summer yes. right now im sleeping with a thick winter duvet and two blankets because its bloody freezing 

37. Do you listen to music everyday? yes

38. How long have you known your first phone contact? Addison, ive known him since I was about 13 so almost 10 years 

39. Who are all your texts in your inbox from? friends, family, theatre people

40. Do you have a hard time making decisions? yes, I find decisions really hard because anxiety makes me over think everything 

41. Are you gonna be home alone tonight? nope

42. What are you looking forward to? going to bed 

43. Are you a morning or night person? night

44. Are you excited for this weekend? yes, im just hoping the weather doesn't ruin it

45. What are you wearing on your feet? Hufflepuff socks 

46. If there was a large spider in your room, would you stay in the room? nope

47. What is the last thing you touched, other than your computer? the cat

48. When was the last time you talked to your best friend? couple hours ago 

49. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? yes

50. Are you a social or anti-social person? depends on the mood and who im with

51. Can you recall the last time you liked someone? right now

52. Where were you last night at 8 PM? right where I am now, on the sofa

53. What color is your cell phone? rose gold

54. What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you drank? squash

55. Your last received text, would you kiss them? nope

56. Have you told anybody you loved them and meant it? yes

57. Are you in a good mood? kinda yes

58. What were you doing an hour ago? sitting where I am now 

59. Is there anyone that could make your day if they showed up at your house? yes

60. Does your middle name begin with an A, M, or S? nope, F

61. How old was the last person you rode in a car with? my dad is 49, my mom is 53 and Amy is 7 months 

62. What color was the last vehicle you were in? silver

63. Do you have plans for next weekend? next saturday is the final day of performances of the show im helping with and Sunday is mothers day

64. What was the last movie you saw in theaters and who did you go with? black panther, with Rhys and Addison

65. How old were you in 1999? 4

67. Are you taller than 5'6"? yes

68. Who were the last three people to call you? my boyfriend, dad and mum.

69. What were you doing last night at 10pm? i had just finished work.

70. If you turn around, what is behind you? a lamp

71. Would you dye your hair hot pink for $50? no

72. Do you have any step or half siblings? my sister is technically a half sibling because we have different dads 

73. What color is your underwear? dark blue

74. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? primark

75. Who was the last person to hug you? mom

76. Who is on your mind right now? nick, cause he just messaged me

77. In how many years will you be thirty? omg don’t ask.

78. What are your plans after this? sleep

79. Are you currently barefoot? no

80. What’s the dumbest thing you have ever said? oh gosh theres too many to even contemplate 

81. You can never drink tea again or soda. Which do you give up? tea

82. Last time you drank coffee? never

83. Do you listen to screamo? nope

84. In what month were you born? June

85. Do you take vitamins daily? yes

86. Who is your 9th contact in your phone? Jaz

87. How many programs are running on your computer now? 5

88. What’s the first icon on your desktop? I dont have any icons on my desktop, I like to keep it clear

89. What were you doing at 8:00 this morning? leaving the house

90. How old is the cellphone you have right now? about 6 months I think, I cant remember exactly 

91. Do you get pissed off when your computer freezes? yup

92. What’s the last thing you laughed at? probably the foster baby

93. What’s one thing you hate about your best friend? he is brutally honest, and doesn't really have a filter. he doesn't think about the fact that his opinion could hurt someone

94. Where is your dad right now? on the sofa watching telly on his laptop

95. Where is your mom right now? on the sofa next to me watching telly

[matt10bth]

AFTER 22 AND BEFORE 23

I started writing this at 11:39 am (September 9,2020)

There will be thousand of pains to be felt to be alive again, and that is a paradox. Why do we need pain to grow? Why do we need pain in order to live?

last year was my best and worst year at the same time. I could never do it again because I don’t think I can survive on what happened to me. I take a break on creating music and focus more on my daily life. I’m afraid of coming back to music because it makes me feel that I'm only using it when I feel sad and I don’t want to be sad anymore, ironically, music is the top 1 on my list that can save me.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED

1. I used to run by avoiding and forgetting but right now I will change slowly, so my improvement will not be wasted. that it takes time to change.

2. To never use someone in order to be somebody, don’t change yourself for them but change yourself for you, because once they leave you, you will comeback to your low grade version of yourself.

3. To never look at the past as it is a mistake rather than that, A lesson that will teach you to be a better person. The past can have some pain but still it has a joy. I learned this in a hard way, right now, after moving on to someone else, I see all the problem to myself. It is very easy to love someone else but hard to love oneself.

4. Time and dedication is what you need in order to build yourself up. Dedication is needed to be much patience in life.

5. Life is full of pain and failures but it is up to us on how we handle it and how can they affect our daily life.

6. Once you have accepted your flaws, once you have been in love with them, nobody can use it to you in order for them to bring you down.

7. Everything, even though it is normal. Once you put your ideas and thought to it. It can be unique beyond someone’s comprehension.

8. If your life is a mess, try to fix the visual first. Fist clean your room and be healthy. Try to fix things you can do, rather the things you can’t.

9. You don’t have the control of the emotions of other people, but you have the control of your emotions. You have the control to everything as long it involves you, so don’t blame the misfortune that is happening to you. Happiness will be always a choice.

10. Don’t lose hope, it will change, everything will change, again and again but I hope I become a better person when the change is come.

11. Don’t let your worry controls your decision in life. Don’t think too much on what other people will say if you do certain thing.

12. Do things that you can do now, you can only see their full potential if you give them full attention and time more than what they needed

13. Don’t put expectation to other people because if they disappoint you tend to hate them, just learn to be more understanding to them.

14. There are things that is hard now but eventually through time they become much more easier through practice and attentive learning.

15. You will stuck on never ending loop if you keep committing on the same mistakes.

16. To never to be stuck with someone who makes you feel alone. Doing this means you doesn’t value the people giving importance to you.

17. Don’t force yourself to people who doesn’t care about you. There are tons of people to know and to love.

18. To never care to the things that are pathetic. You will lose important things if you keep focusing on them instead give your care to the things that can uplift you.

19. To never to be hurt by the same people again.  Doing this it means you are the fool one and it is your fault why you are hurting.

20. To value everything that is good to you. To never take for granted the things that your are experiencing right now because you will regret once they lose and that lose, the payment for it will almost cost a lifetime.

21. To trust God. Whatever it is, Whatever had been it is, Whatever it might be it is, I trust in you Lord. Give me patience, love, hope, peace for the rest of the day and faith to trust in you and change me for a better person.

22. Set your standard and values, so you will know or predict on how you will act on a certain situation. Learn to know yourself much more better before other people.

FOR THE THEME OF LIKE AND DON’T

- MY 23 THINGS THAT I LIKE -

1. YouTube 2. Music 3. Writing 4. Reading 5. Leaning 6.League of Legend 7. FL Studio 8. Notebook 9. Guitar 10. Earphone 11. Netflix 12. Spotify 13. Sound Design 14. Motion Graphics 15. Politics and Debate 16. Songwriting 17. Anime 18. Cooking 19. Concept Development 20. Movies 21. Series 22. Sleeping 23. Recording

Welcome to my new self, it is a new me. Happy Birthday to myself.

Edited 9:18 pm

For my future self if you will ever gonna read this, always choose the right thing. Never be disappointed in life, just keep on trying no matter how hard it is. You can achieve your dreams if you just keep trying and improving. 

Always remember to be happy walking in the rain. Every drop of it will help you to grow until you see the sun and with your shades that helps you to never be blinded.

Thank You, I’m still alive.

Until 23, I never wrote a single line of lies (revise) - Twenty-three by IU

Finishing this at 9:36 pm

[ka-za-ri]

Hi ~ I'm not sure you're still taking requests for the sensory prompts but if you do : 56 Takahiro please ~

I’m still taking them! I’m workin’ hard to clear up my backlog so I can keep taking them! This seems to have come at an ideal time seeing as it’s Takahiro’s birthday today :3 

Someone accepting the bad parts of you without judging

Midday, halfwaythrough June.

Sunlight beatrelentlessly down the back of his neck as he bolted down the streetsto meet up with you. Late. Late. Late again, as usual. But, Takahiroclung onto the hope that you would still be there. Across thehustling crowds of the city, he panted in time with his heart thathammered in his chest from anxiety. He hoped, prayed, wished that youwould remain steadfast in your love for him.

Left turn. Rightturn. Right again. Right once more. Or was it to the left? His mindran in circles while his legs carried him aimlessly. Time and timeagain, he boarded the train only to run out at the wrong station.Again and again he sent a wordless prayer and a quick text message,hoping you’d believe him.

I’m on my way.

See you soon.

I’m almostthere.

Three hours pastyour appointed time, you paused your life in hopes that he wouldappear. Only when the ruthless summer sun set and washed the worldwith its glowing embers did he appear, drenched in his wishes to seeyou.

“You made it.”

“Sorry I took solong.”

“It’s fine.”  

Takahiro’s grip onyour hand tightened just a little and your heart felt light. The waitwas worth it in the end.

October 6:34 PM.

Coffee too sweet andtwenty degrees colder than you had expected it to be was his idea ofsaying ‘I’m sorry, I forgot about our date.”

Wrapped in a scarftoo garishly colored to be acceptable, he asked for forgiveness as heheld onto your hand and tugged you on the most amazing impromptuplayground excursion he could manage.

Not much to remembersave for the sound of gravel crunching underfoot, the squeak of aswing being pushed and the gentle warmth of scarf he shared aroundyour neck when the winds blew a little too loudly. He gathered pilesof crimson gradient leaves to fling towards you in a shower ofappreciation, hoping you could forgive him for his nature for hisinability to ever find the right time to see you.

While the steam fromthe coffee disappeared into the night, you opted to keep warm byplucking at the piles of leaves and finding ones that matched thecolors of his kisses on your cheeks.

“Sorry I forgot.”

“It’s fine.”

He’d smile, name the stars after your eyes and you’d forgot how to be angry at him for a little bit. 

December 8thfive seconds past midnight.

“Happy birthday,Takahiro.”

He turned towardsyou, cracking open a bleary eye, not registering what you had saidwhen you gently woke him from his sleep. “Five more minutes.” Hegrunted before falling back into deep slumber. You wanted to be theone to greet yet another year with your love and he was barely thereenough to acknowledge it.

The only day he wassupposed to remember was the one that he called his own. Yet, therehe was, sleeping right past his alarm for the sake of a few extraminutes.

Midday.

His phone wouldn’tstop buzzing from alerts and well wishes from his friends. He spentmost of the morning replying to as many as he could, now regrettingthat decision as he rushes out the door to catch his train on time.“I’ll make it up to you, I’m sorry. So much has come up and…”He trails off, unable to find any more excuses for his flightiness.

“Just come homesafe.” you replied, hoping to quell any sadness you had for notbeing able to spend time with him.

“Of course.” Hereassured before the door slammed shut and his phone was left buzzingmadly on the coffee table from birthday wishes not your own.

11:59 PM

Hours seemed longand the day was spent forgiving Takahiro for being who he was. Whenthe day just about clicked over, you held your breath in hopes thathe would make it home on time and be awake enough to hear your ownbirthday wish for him.

12:01 AM

Sometimes, birthdaywishes didn’t come true.

3:14 AM and 15seconds past the minute.

“I’m sorry I’mhome late.”

“It’s fine…”

He kisses yourdrooping eyelids softly, apologetically and runs his hands throughyour hair.

“I’m glad youwere the first.” He murmurs.

And all was forgivenas he held you in his arms until the sun rose.