#2nu-ish even

[brickbozo]

"Noodle's a real angel who plays the guitar and does martial arts and looks like she just stepped off a space rocket from Mars to go to a party with David Bowie and Andy Warhol. She's not exactly the kind of bird you'd find round your way in Staines, or even in Crawley. She's a league above!"

-2D

[flynnardkuwata]

Remember Noodle’s Secret Lover?  Part 1/? (Chapters 1-3)

So, the topic of bad fanfiction came up in that one Gorillaz fandom Discord server, and I was reminded of just how much Gorillazbiggestfan’s magnum opus still amuses me to this day.  And after a little thinking, I decided “Y’know what?  I don’t have the energy to write an entire sporking again, but I could do a sort of chapter(s)-by-chapter(s) revisiting of it!”  Because seriously, it’s just too good to be forgotten; I really do consider this the fandom’s version of My Immortal.

*Now, I think one reason why this fic not getting the attention such a reputation should warrant (aside from Gorillaz being a small-ish fandom) is because the first three chapters are so boring.  See, in My Immortal, you're whapped with a sack full of preposterous and irreverent bullshit right off the bat: we get a long-ass introduction of an over-the-top Sue (and her outrageous clothing choices), Draco in Leather Baggy Black Skater Pants takes her on a date to a Good Charlotte concert in Hogsmeade, and then they fuck in the Forbidden Forest before being memetically interrupted by Dumbledore with a headache.  This story, meanwhile, has no such insanity to hook the reader in.  It starts out as your run-of-the-mill “2Nu plus an OC shipper on deck” tale, and it stays that way long enough to bore away most readers.

*Oh, and when first sporking this thing, I also found it rather amusing that the author was helped by her friend, D.D.Darkwriter - whom a certain few might recall penned another fic I sporked.  I might mention that while it isn’t nearly as batshit as this particular tale, Finding Fate is still quite enjoyably bad, and so I recommend that one as well.

*So the artifact premise of this fic is essentially an Operation Jealousy plotline.  Noodle, who is now of legal age, tries to jump 2D one night after having nursed a crush on him for years, but when he rejects her sudden advances, she and her roommate Kitty (who was introduced in a previous story the author has written, which I have not yet read) conspire to pretend to be in a relationship and thus draw his attention.  The reader might find themself wondering why Noodle would even care so much about being with some guy when she's likely well-aware of how sketchy the relationship would look, let alone why she’d turn to such a juvenile method of winning his affections; but other than that, this fic is quite unspectacular so far.

*Already, you will notice that there’s a lot wrong with the fic mechanically - shoddy spelling, poor punctuation, a tendency towards muddled wording, etc.   But these problems are common to all badfic, and so I will see little reason to mention them except in certain moments.

*While it isn’t until next chapter that Kitty begins to warp the story around herself (as Sues do), this chapter does give us a small hint of things to come - when she comforts Noodle by telling her to “stop crying [her] eyes are too beautiful for that,” Noodle responds straight away by commenting on the beauty of Kitty’s own eyes (which are green).  It’s indicated later that the author didn’t know Noodle’s eyes were also supposed to be green (which is a pretty understandable mistake in this fandom), so I’m not gonna chalk this down to Kitty attempting to ape/one-up Noodle’s characteristics; all the same, though, this does ring odd to me considering all that happens later...

*As it turns out, 2D is in fact outside their room and eavesdropping on the conversation!  This has no real effect on the plot, however, (aside from spurring another event, which turns out to be pointless, and rendering the fic’s title meaningless - the “secret lover” is no longer a secret) so this reveal is devoid of tension.  He tells himself he’s not gonna let their shenanigans get to him through a few badly-worded sentences (which won’t entirely turn out to be true), and then he just toddles back to his room to sleep.

*Then Chapter One just sort of ends with Noodle and Kitty snuggling up together for warmth.  A riveting first installment, no doubt, but bear with me and you’re gonna start to see some real shit.  

*Chapter Two starts with Noodle waking up and feeling weird because they’re both in their undies (anyone else find it odd that their clothes are off, if they’re just pretending to be together in public?).  She gets up and starts a shower, the steam from which somehow wakes Kitty as well (no, seriously, it’s explicitly stated that the steam is what wakes her...I don’t think steam works that way), and then Kitty comes in and decides to join her for reasons.  

*Kitty is stated to be wearing a halter top, which I mention because the author inserts a parenthetical note explaining that it is a “half-shirt” - or, rather, a “half-shit.”  I am immature. XD

*So we get a showering scene featuring awkward and repetitive descriptions of the women washing themselves and each other, with Noodle becoming a little hot and bothered by the situation.  While it’s later revealed - or should I say retconned - that she’s had a thing for Kitty as well, it is soon stated outright that their interest in each other’s bodies is purely aesthetic; this discrepancy is probably explained by said reveal actually being a retcon.

*The first of Kitty’s physical traits that really stands out as Sue-ish is her long white hair, which she always keeps in two ponytails.  This resemblance to Princess Yue is never explained, though it is later shown that her mother has inexplicably weird hair as well - and this is a universe where, among other things, Lamarck Was Right.  Bad genetics is probably the least of everything wrong with Kitty, so I won’t harp on it too much.

*Then they go downstairs to have breakfast, but where are all the others?  A clumsy cut to 2D’s room tells us the answer: he’s called the other two in for a meeting to discuss his Very Important Findings.  Because Russel is typically portrayed as an over-reactionary Angry Black Man in pre-2014 Gorillaz fic (among other rather unfavorable things), he “bellow[s]” about how this is “the most ridiculous thing [he] ever heard!”, and then we find out Kitty’s connection to Gorillaz canon: she is, according to this story, Russel’s sister!  Russ randomly lauds her for being someone who loves to help people with their problems (a trait we never really see evidence for, of course), and then...that’s it, that’s the scene.  Told you it was pointless.  

*Back to Noodle and Kitty in “NOODEL’S ROOM,” where they decide that if they’re gonna pretend to be a couple, they have to actually do things, if you know what I mean. >:3 Though in all seriousness, no they don’t; they’re behind closed doors, where no one’s gonna be watching...

*...or WILL they?  We cut straight back to 2D and Murdoc, who hear makeout noises coming from Noodle’s room, and they open the door to catch them in the act!  DUN DUN DUN...oh wait, nothing’s actually gonna come of this.  My bad.

*Chapter Three (”DID YOU SEE THAT?”) begins with the boys losing their shit over the apparent fact that Noodle and Kitty are together (seriously, I doubt a bunch like the Gorillaz would even bat eyes if one of their members was in a not-straight relationship, even back in the 2000s when gay marriage was a hot-button issue), and among other things, we’re given a bit of TMI about how Murdoc in particular reacted (which would be rather in-character for him, to be honest, if he wasn’t completely gobsmacked by the sight of girls kissing).  

*For some reason, Kitty and Noodle decide to have breakfast again, and they open the door to Murdoc, who isn’t even trying to hide his boner.  In front of Noodle?  Oh, I think not.

*“You must be really happy to see me!”  Aside from how painful that line was, this too predicts the actions we’ll soon see Kitty take.  More on that in the next part.

*So, they have a really cutesy time cooking breakfast (during which we see signs of Murdoc becoming uncharacteristically smitten with Kitty), and they they all trot off to watch a movie together as the chapter ends.  So far, the fic is boring and full of contrivances meant to provoke drama (all of them failing), but it’s rather inoffensive, right?  What could such a fic do to earn being hailed as the new My Immortal? *sighs* Wait till the next part, and you shall begin to see.

[brickbozo]

pac man dump