ZevWarden Week 2022
Day 6: Death - Blighted
Words: 2290 | Rating: Teens and up | Zevran x f!Tabris
The great day of angst has arrived! As such, there are...
...WARNINGS:
child death
death by Blight, spreading infection by Blight
grieving parents
dead dove, do not eat
Stay safe, everyone, and happy angst-filled 6th day of ZevWarden Week 2022!
They had named the child Cyrai. Three days after his birth, he had died. Now, his parents grieve.
They had named the child Cyrai. Three days after his birth, he had died.
The Taint had left its first visible sign on Astala far too soon after Zevran’s definite return from Antiva. She had started taking Andraste’s Grace, even though it made her sick to the stomach, to slow the Blights’ progression down as much as possible as they took up the quest for a cure—a fool’s errand, most likely, and desperation had snuck up on them more than once, but they had found comfort in each other. Andraste’s Grace, however, had had an unforeseen side effect. Suddenly, Astala had been pregnant. And it had been clear from the beginning that this would go very, very wrong.
He had been a bit shorter than Zevran’s forearm, with sickly dark skin and a meager tuft of hair. His eyes had been clouded over white and dark veins had weaved their way through his skin, choking the life out of him by the minute. They had immediately put him through the Joining. He had survived that. Barely. In the three following days, the boy hadn’t moved and hadn’t cried. The only sound he’d made had been a whimper too weak to hear more than a few paces away from him. He’d spent these three days in either his arms or Astala’s. And then he'd died. Yesterday they had given him a funeral and buried his ashes. Today, Zevran had woken up to a terrible emptiness in his chest. Astala was most likely feeling the same, judging from how quiet she was.
His son’s birth and the three days they had been able to spend with him had been a miracle, Zevran knew that. The knowledge did nothing to ease his bitterness.
His grief.
He had been wandering the keep the whole day, no clear destination in mind. At some point, however, he had ended up at his son’s small grave. And there he had sat down and stared holes into the ground.
He briefly looked up when steps approached. Not that he needed to; he could recognize Astala’s gait instantly, anywhere and among the steps of twenty others. She was walking very slowly today. Giving birth had been taxing. Even so, she sat down in front of him, where she had to lower herself all the way to the ground and had no back support.
Zevran wanted to stop her, help her, but his mind was oddly disconnected from his body. Astala settled in front of him with a quiet groan.
For a moment, they sat in silence.
It was Astala who broke it and laid her tired gaze on him. “Hey.”
Zevran leaned towards her and took her hand. He must be the living image of pity judging by the way she looked at him.
“I’m sorry.”
Zevran let out a bitter scoff. “You are sorry?”
Astala looked away abruptly. She shrugged, helpless, and it looked like she wanted to say yes. Instead, she sniffed and wiped her nose.
“I’m the Grey Warden. The Taint came from me.”
That was not what he had meant.
Zevran tried to gather words. Yes, she was the Grey Warden, yes, the Taint came from her, but he had a functioning brain as well and this- It had never occurred to him that this could happen. They hadn’t known-
They hadn’t thought.
Astala shuffled closer and pulled him towards her. Zevran allowed it, fully intent on hugging her, but she already had her arms around him. Suddenly he became aware of the leaden weight on his limbs and the heaviness on his chest. He tried to pull himself together, tried to force everything down, but Astala was holding him tight and rubbing his back. He broke down; leaned against her and cried.
“I’m sorry,” Astala repeated.
It was wrong. So wrong. But as he stared at the mound of dirt that now held his son, Zevran couldn’t even form the words to tell her.
-
She disappeared afterwards. Zevran continued walking the keep, got worried at some point and started to search for her, but was interrupted by the arrival of an unexpected guest.
“Morrigan,” he said, looking at the raven with the tell-tale amber eyes on the wall. “It has been a long time, my dear.”
The raven poofed its feathers, then started to grow. In a frankly disturbing display of receding feathers and elongating limbs, it transformed into the Witch of the Wilds herself.
“’Tis been a long time indeed,” Morrigan said. She looked very similar to ten years ago. Only subtle changes in her face marked the passage of time. Far more novel was the apprehension in her face.
“I have heard about the passing of your child.”
Ah. The weight on his chest returned.
“I offer my condolences for your loss,” Morrigan continued. “I can only imagine the extent of it.”
“Ah,” Zevran said, and then he fell quiet as he struggled to push a real answer past the emptiness and the weight. “Thank you.”
He cleared his throat, looked around and, when he saw no more ravens, turned back to Morrigan.
“How is your son?”
“He is well,” Morrigan said. For a moment, fondness warmed her eyes before she straightened her shoulders and gripped her staff. “’Tis not mere cordiality, however, that prompted my visit. I have information that may be of interest for you and Astala and wished to relate it personally.”
Zevran tilted his head. “It must be important, then.”
“I believe it may be of great aid to you in your search for a cure.”
Zevran forgot how to breathe for a moment. “Are you certain?”
“As certain as one can be,” Morrigan answered. “The time your wife has allowed me in isolation has taught me many new things. How far progressed is the Blight in her?”
“She has this dark spot on her back,” Zevran said. “It grows, slowly. She is taking Andraste’s Grace.”
“Yes,” Morrigan said and threw him a scrutinizing look. “You smell of it.”
Zevran resisted the urge to hide his hand behind his back.
“It is good that you are here,” he said with a smile. “Will you be staying for the night?”
Morrigan hesitated. “I would rather leave that decision up to your wife.”
“As you wish,” Zevran said. “I will go look for Astala, then. She will be very pleased to see you.”
“I hope she will,” Morrigan said, so quietly that he almost didn’t catch it.
“Trust me, my dear she holds you in very high regard,” Zevran said. “She will be pleased to see you.”
If he could find her, that was.
-
Zevran showed Morrigan to the Vigil’s garden—unruly as it was, since neither Astala nor he had been able to take care of it for months now—and asked a servant to provide her with some refreshments. Then he went out to search for his wife.
He found her in their shared room. The crying had been audible from the hallway.
Astala was sitting in a corner between the wall and the empty crib Cyrai had never occupied in these three days. They’d taken turns watching and holding him at night. She had slung her arms around her chest, almost as if keeping it from breaking open from the heavy sobs rattling through her. A young girl, a servant they had hired only a few months ago, was trying to comfort her and not getting anywhere. When the young girl saw Zevran, she immediately stepped away.
“I found her like this,” she said helplessly. “I don’t know how long she’s already been here.”
Zevran thanked her, shooed her out of the room and sat down next to Astala on the cold stone floor. Astala had drawn her knees up to her chest and leaned heavily against the wall as she cried. Carefully, Zevran laid a hand on her back.
“I’m sorry,” he managed to say. “So sorry.”
Astala looked at him with puffy eyes and a nose swollen from crying.
“I came to get-” She gestured haphazardly around the room. “But then I saw-”
Another heavy sob made its way through her throat as she pointed at the empty crib and then pressed her face into the crook of her elbow and continued crying with renewed strength.
Zevran rubbed circles into her back and felt tears gathering in his eyes as well. There was a blanket on a nearby cupboard. He yanked it down and stuffed it on the floor. Gently, he pulled Astala closer until she was sitting on the blanket as well and her head rested against his shoulder. She grabbed a hold of his shirt, clinging to it as if to a lifeline. With his free hand, Zevran brushed the hair out of her face.
“This is all my fault,” Astala whispered. “I knew damn well what the Blight could do and I didn’t- I didn’t even think-”
A loud wail climbed out of her throat and she buried her face in his shirt to stifle it. Zevran pulled her further towards him until Astala was curled up in his lap, tears staining his shirt and throat, fists balled into his shirt, all her weight on him and that wailing cry muffled as it was screamed into his chest. Zevran held her as his own tears fell into her hair.
“I have been- so- irresponsible!” Astala sobbed. “Why, why, why, why, why didn’t I think!?”
“I could have thought of it too,” Zevran said. “This falls on both of us if it falls on anybody. We simply relied too much on the Blight to keep us from having children at all.”
Another screamed cry came out of Astala’s chest. Zevran kissed her hair and held her tight. The crib was now in his line of sight, but it didn’t stay there for long; his vision immediately blurred again.
“You did all you could,” he said as Astala cried into his chest. “We made a mistake, a terrible mistake. But we did-” His voice broke. “We did all we could for him.”
Astala continued to cry.
Zevran didn’t know what else to do, so he held her and smoothed his hand down her back and told her, again and again, that she’d done all she could. That this was not her fault. Because as far as Zevran was concerned, it wasn’t. The fault of someone’s death lay in the killer, after all. In this case, it was the Blight, and he told her so. And then he told her that she’d given the boy all the love she could have given him. That she’d held him closer and spent more time with him than any child got in their first three days of life. At that, Astala howled like she’d been wounded and cried even louder, and Zevran immediately switched to Antivan. He didn’t know what to say anyways. What could he say that would make this better? And if he was going to say foolish things, she might as well not understand them.
Very gradually, Astala calmed down. Or, rather, she very gradually lost the strength to keep crying. She leaned against him, worn, shoulders trembling, and every now and then a sob rattled through her chest. Zevran looked at her and took in the sight of the dark circles under her eyes, at the dry lips, the tear-stained cheeks and the dullness of her gaze. A hand to her forehead told her that she didn’t have a fever, which was very good. It didn’t stop him from picking her up and marching her straight to their shared bed. Astala didn’t protest, only slung her arms around his neck and held on even as he lowered her down on the bed. Her grip was far too weak now for Zevran’s taste.
“Amore,” he said, sat down on the bed and cupped her cheek with his hand. “A bit of food, yes? Some food, water, and then some sleep?”
Astala sniffed and nodded. Zevran was about to leave to fetch them dinner when he remembered.
“Morrigan is here.”
Astala opened her eyes. “Morrigan?”
“With information that may help us find a cure,” Zevran said.
When Astala heaved herself up, he stretched his hand out to stop her but pulled it back.
“Where is she?” Astala asked, voice hoarse and unsteady.
“I was thinking about bringing her here,” Zevran said. “You stay in bed, I fetch her and some dinner and we can talk while we eat. Does that sound fair?”
Astala nodded, closed her eyes again and sunk back onto the mattress. Zevran bent down to kiss her cheek, then kissed her forehead as well and stood up.
“Zev?”
He stopped and turned. Astala was looking at him with bleary eyes.
“What’s that on your hand?”
Zevran let a smooth, reassuring smile slip into place as the blood froze in his veins. The dark, blighted spot on the back of his left hand started to itch. A figment of his imagination, surely.
“Just some ink, my Warden. My hands have been a bit shaky lately.”
Astala frowned briefly, but her frown smoothed over as soon as she closed her eyes again. Maker’s Breath, but she was exhausted! At this rate, Zevran suspected she might fall asleep in the time it took him to fetch food and Morrigan.
He took his gloves with him on his errands. Now that he knew, nobody else would catch the Blight through his doings. And he would tell his Warden soon enough, at the very latest when she would try to make him stay home while she searched for that cure. Probably earlier if he could manage, but not now. Right now, she needed rest and whatever glimmer of hope Morrigan’s lead could offer them in these dark days.
*
In case anyone is interested in how I imagine it could come to this situation (CW for child death and miscarriages):
I’ve often seen the Blight portrayed as some form of early menopause in the case of female Wardens. However, the Blight is a plague transmitted via blood and, presumably, other bodily fluids, so I was thinking--in my very angst-inclined little gremlin heart--that maybe the Blight doesn’t work like an early menopause at all. Maybe conception still happens, but the child gets infected with the Blight via the blood exchange with the mother through the placenta. Most pregnancies would therefore end in miscarriages. Here I’ve played a bit with the laws of the universe to allow the child to be born blighted, but alive thanks to the use of Andraste’s Grace, which canonically slows the infection down. I’m no doctor and it probably wouldn’t hold up to scrutiny, but for the sake of this story, it’s enough
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