#21 year old me was much much more mentally ill

[tittyinfinity]

can't stop thinking about the failed-ass conversation I had with the T-Mobile employee the other day

I mentioned to him that I also used to work in T-Mobile customer service. We had a short discussion about the things we enjoyed about the job. But when he asked what I do now, I was too embarrassed to tell him I was disabled.

I told him I'm an archivist. Which isn't a lie! At all! I just do it on my own time. I tried to change the subject, but he kept coming back around to ask about it. So I..... tried to pull it off like it was a real job 😬

Customer service rep: "I've never heard of an archivist! What's that?"

Me: "I save articles, pictures, videos, and posts about current world events to multiple drives, and eventually most of it will be printed off and put into laminated sheets inside of binders so that they're never lost to time." (no lies at all so far)

"Wow! That's so cool! So is this like, through a company or do you do freelance work?"

"I work on my own....... most of what I do is unpaid." (a half-lie... I'm not paid for that but I'm paid by the state for being disabled lmao)

"Oh, wow! So do like, people ever contact you for those resources?"

[oh god. oh no.] "Every now and then I compare and discuss information with people who are looking to do activism or history-based work." (these "people" are just my friends, but no lies here.)

"That is so, so cool! So it's kind of one of those things where you left the regular workforce to do something you felt was right?"

"....Yes! I figured I only have this one life, I want to at least make a difference." (man I'm a piece of shit lmao)

"You opened my mind a bit today! Well hey thanks for recording history, that's really cool!"

"Thank you for being so wonderful to talk to!"

I feel like the biggest scam in the world and I barely even lied😭

[brownieocean]

Tinder in real life ( Harry Lewis x Reader)

Word count: 1,1k

Summary: You work as an influencer when you wake up to a call from your manager. She tells you about a chance to be on a video about tinder-in-real-life where you could raise your visibility and get more followers. You take the offer up and end up in a Sidemen video where you get to meet a certain shy, blond-haired boy who seems to have a liking to you.

brrr brrrr

Your phone rang somewhere.

brrr brrrr

”Ughhhh” you groan as you reach for your buzzing phone on your bed. You pat empty spots a couple times because you cant be bothered to open your eyes this early getting more irritated by the second when your hand cant find your phone. 

brr-

”Hello?” You answered groggily.

”Rise and shine girl, i got u a job offer!” It was your manager.

”This early? Give me like 2 more hours n call me again, i cant think rn”

”No, i need to give a response now if youre in or not”

”Ughh fine, okay what is it?”

”They cant disclose much, but its a tinder-in-real-life type of video and they’re getting a bunch of girls on it”

”Girl what.”

”It's a good way to raise your following! get your name out there, they get tens of millions of views every video, i really think you should do this”

”Hmmm alright when is it?”

”It's next month, ill send you the address and time closer to the date”

”Mhhmhm ok gnight ttyl”

”Oh and don’t forget to do the-

You hung up on your manager, shes great at her job but sometimes shes a bit too hyper. You throw your phone away and pull the covers further over your head.

It's been about a month and you’ve been getting more anxious every passing day about this video you promised to be in. It is tomorrow and you don’t feel prepared at all. You would need to put on your best smile and make yourself entertaining and likable so you could get as many people to follow you after the video was posted. Your biggest fear was that you’d say the wrong thing or completely embarrass yourself in front of millions and millions of people. 

You walk into the studio and step into a line of beautiful girls. You knew you were pretty but these people were all breathtaking. The line went by fast because it was just a security and id check and after you were guided into a room to wait. You went on your phone to pass the time while some of the girls were squeaking about getting to meet "The Sidemen".

Soon it was your turn. Hands sweating you left the waiting room and walked over to where the tape was placed for you to stand on. You saw a line of about ten guys, some chatting amidst themselves and some giving you awkward smiles. Infront of you there was a cardboard frame with yes and no stickers at the bottom representing tinder. 

You noticed you were fiddling with your ring and made a mental note to try and not look so nervous. “Okay, first introduce yourself, say your name, age and where you’re from” yelled someone from the camera crew.

You took a second to calm your nerves. “Hi, I’m y/n, I am 21 years old and I’m from Brighton!” You smiled at the guy ahead of you. 

He was tall and confident. “Hi, I'm Simon, I’m 27 and I bet I could touch your belly button from the inside!” You saw him cringe at himself.

“Eughh” was heard from the herd of men. “You winced when you said that, I don't even think you wanted to say that” you laughed. “I know, '' he said as you guided him to the left with your hand. Time went on and you kept swiping people based on their lines. You were nearly halfway done and you were having the time of your life.

Next up walked a cute blonde boy who seemed even more nervous than you, if that was possible. He was holding a notebook with both hands where he had scribbled in earlier, probably trying to come up with good pickup lines. 

“Hello, im harry I’m 23.. uhh”

He glanced at his notebook

“Girl you got more legs than a bucket of chicken”

You couldn’t help but giggle at the fact that he had written that down, and thought it was good. 

Every guy laughed while he stood there sending you an awkward smile, fiddling with his notebook. He was having a hard time keeping eye-contact since he was nervous but he tried his best. Something about him made you unable to stop smiling.

“I liked that, plus you’re cute so…” you swiped him right. He did a little “hooray!” with his hands and walked up next to the guys you had said yes to.

After saying yes to Harry you kept sharing sneaky glances with him. Every time you looked over at him, he was already looking straight at you. You noticed he hadn’t stopped smiling since getting there.

Rest of the group went by quickly, lastly you gave a little recap on why you rejected the people you did and then you were on your way. While walking away you looked back one last time and gave Harry a smile checking him out. And he seemed like he was about to say something but decided not to. Shame.

You walked trough the waiting room, where there were only 4 more girls waiting for their turns, to where your jacket and bag were. You felt happy because you did well and it was over. You couldn’t wait to be able to see the video in a couple of weeks. Just as you were about to open the door to leave 

“Hey! y/n wait!” You were surprised he remembered your name

“Oh hi! did I leave something?”

“Just my number haha! uhh anyway..” He scratched the back of his neck holding his phone in his hand.

“..so yeah i was thinking maybe we could grab coffee sometime? Id like to get to know you more.. or i mean if you want that is.. so uhh”

“I would love to! Here” You took his phone and put your number in it. 

“Text me -

“Harry where the hell are you ? We have to wrap this up” 

You heard somebody yell

Harry looked at you and smiled. You nodded signaling that he should go. He jogged back over to the set looking back at you once more.

And there you were walking back inside your apartment smiling from ear to ear when your phone received a notification.

Imessage:

“Hi its Harry from that video! are u possibly free on saturday?”

[luffysinterlude]

here with some of my oc’s backstory!! (i love her) / (warnings: ooc!doffy & sengoku, oc’s mother (x rosinante), timeline might be off (i envision her to be 21/22 post time-skip), brother!law x oc) / (note: i mention cupid having dark hair, but that’s about it. you could imagine it from a reader’s perspective as well!! not really sure how i envision cupid yet, just her fits)

(inspired from this one moment where i was sick in bed and let my imagination run wild.)

donquixote rosinante’s daughter cupid was to be kept a secret from the world.

he hadn’t known she existed until she was five, through a letter that held tear stains and smeared ink. his one and only ex-lover from the east blue had fallen ill and had a month to live. in less than three weeks later, corazon finds himself standing in front of a newly added gravestone, a small dark-haired girl sleeping peacefully in his arms.

i promise i’ll keep her safe. she is your legacy. thank you for trusting her with me, i’m sorry we missed the chance to be a family and i’m not sure if i’ll ever be able to get over losing someone so great. i’ll make sure she grows up the way you want her to. i’ll see you in the next life, my beautiful alia.

when sengoku found corazon sitting in his office with a child in his lap, he nearly had a heart attack. corazon explained the situation…even letting some of his feelings slip. when sengoku pried about the mother, he thought he’d died and resurrected on the spot. monkey d. alia…a familiar name, someone he’d watch grow up with his adopted son. he wasn’t upset though; he and garp had raised them both to be young naval commanders. although alia had suddenly disappeared six years ago and garp refused to tell anyone his daughter’s whereabouts, he was proud of them, a warmth swelling in his chest.

yet his blood ran cold as he realized he shared a granddaughter with garp. he made a mental note to ask garp if he had any idea and if so, why he didn’t feel the need to tell him.

sengoku agreed to keep the child a secret, but only if he was allowed to raise the girl and train her to be a marine. corazon hesitated a bit; not wanting his adoptive father to shove his views of justice down his daughter’s throat, but he trusted sengoku enough, nodding his head at the idea. he promised her he’ll stop by every chance he had.

unbeknownst to them, a certain man sat just below the open window..smiling at the precious news from his little brother.

within just a year, sengoku watched so much potential grow in cupid, she was such a strong girl who seemed to excel in everything he put her through. for a six year old, she had more self-discipline than most marines. she never gave up and proved herself every time.

so imagine the feeling he gets when his oldest son pays him a visit, asking for a favor. doflamingo has never been forgiving; a silent threat in the air as he demanded a warlord position and custody of cupid. sengoku silently prays for corazon’s mercy and gives him want he wants with not much of a fight, only asking that cupid never ends up dead or on a bounty poster.

corazon’s heart shatters as he hears the words fall from sengoku’s mouth. tears welled in his eyes at the sudden wave of grief that hit him, a small amount of anger bubbling under his skin. he told me he wouldn’t hurt her. cora clenched his eyes shut at the words, an image of both cupid and alia flashing through his mind. his decision was then made:

i’ll go undercover. i made a promise to alia and i won’t let him be the reason i break it…and i’ll stop whatever madness doffy has planned.

x+x

hearing the news that her father was joining her on the numancia, cupid allowed her mind to ease. she trusted and loved her father to take care of her, and stuck to him like a parasite. you’ll never be alone, he told her. i’ll always be with you.

some time passes and cupid quickly becomes a main asset to the donquixote family. she’s always being watched by doflamingo though; something she noticed the minute she stepped foot aboard. he didn’t have to be present for her to feel his strong gaze. she trained restlessly, sometimes in secret so her dad wouldn’t scold her. she wanted to be as strong as her parents…maybe even stronger.

she soon meets a boy named Law, her interest in him beginning when he shows up seeking refuge in the family, saying he doesn’t have much time to live; words she’s heard before. she soon finds herself following him around the ship, observing him and trying to help him get away her father…

one day though, she feels a familiar pain in her chest: her father was taking Law around the world in hopes to find a doctor that’ll heal him. she cried silently as she eavesdropped on the quiet conversation between the two brothers, her heart desperately wanting to go, but she knew doflamingo would never allow that.

that night, she stares out into the dark sky, searching for a ray of hope; for herself, her (new) brother, and her father. even though she was a child, she was able to piece together her uncle’s plans for dressrosa. she’s always been able to read people’s next move and sometimes hear their thoughts — something she noticed when her grandfather sengoku trained her alongside marines — yet around those she trusted and loved, she never felt the need to.

the day Law and Corazon parted ways with the family, she hid in her room—she had told them she’d see them again, a stern look in her eyes. she formulated an escape plan to follow the two, one that involved a lot of thought: every second matters, i can’t fail.

when the news that cupid had suddenly disappeared a month exactly after the departure of Law and Corazon, and just before her birthday, doflamingo could only laugh. he knew Corazon was smart enough not to break a promise with him, so the thought of a nine year old girl somehow being smart enough to escape from him drove him insane.

you’ll come back to me eventually. just because you’re blood, i’ll allow you to escape this once. consider us even, rosi…because your life is mine once i find you.

+x+

here’s my vivre card! don’t tell anyone i’m giving this to you, it’s our secret.

the warm voice of her father clouded cupid’s mind as she stared at the small paper in her hand, the freezing temperature suddenly causing her arms to wrap around her body. a familiar voice caused her to untuck her chin from her chest, yet when she looked, nobody was near.

it’s been almost six months since Law and Corazon began their journey. a part of her wishes that her father had tried harder to include her in their search, but she knew that he only wanted to keep her safe. she also knew that by leaving, he would suffer more.

she figures that by now doflamingo had figured out cora’s secret. she prayed every night hoping the evil man didn’t beat her to them, and so far he hasn’t. yet that thought alone made her move her legs just a bit quicker in the thick snow, fighting against strong winds.

a tall pink silhouette caught her eye as she was beginning to feel tired, a small burst of adrenaline causing her to run towards the figure. she tried using her haki — a term she learned about after confiding to baby 5 about her power sources — to hear what they were talking about, but using it at a distance isn’t something she learned yet.

and so she did the next best thing she could think of:

“DAAAAAAAAAAAD!! LAAAAAAAAAW!!”

corazon froze in his spot when he suddenly felt his daughter’s presence in the surrounding area. neither of the males could hear her voice due to corazon’s devil fruit power, but the wide-eyed look on law’s face as his eyes traveled behind cora’s head caused law to slightly panic.

“she’s behind me, isn’t she…?” corazon spoke. his head hung low, his eyes clenching shut as he grit his teeth. he should be angry. angry at cupid for acting on impulse and following them. angry at cupid for leaving his brother’s ship without thinking of the consequences she’d face. instead, he chuckles. its a light-hearted chuckle, an image of alia popping up in his head.

law nodded, still in a slight panic and shock. he was happy to see his sister again, but he was hoping that the next time they met was when he was fully healed and recovered. in a way, cupid reminded him of lami; he thinks it’s because of how she clung to him like they’ve known each other for their entire lives, or how she’s the only other person (after cora) he trusts.

+x+

“you understand, don’t you cupid?” she does, but wishes she didn’t.

cupid was speechless; she wants to scream at her father for getting himself into trouble, the sense of danger continuing to grow with every second. she wants to beg her father to take her and law and leave immediately, she just reunited with them both, she doesn’t want to leave this land without the two of them alive.

her loving, protective father, was going to give his life in exchange for her and law.

whether her brother was aware of this or not, it was going to happen. she knew her father didn’t have it in him to kill the man, and even after she tried convincing him to let her be a distraction while the two got away, he refused.

tears welled in cupid’s eyes as she realized that this was it. the long time of waiting for her father to finally come back for her, has gone down the drain. the four years she has spent knowing him has felt like two days. both of her parents have sacrificed themselves for good reasons, and the thought makes her angry. she wants to destroy all the evil people in the world for causing pain to those she loves — including those who’ve caused harm to Law — and make them suffer. she cries uncontrollably, the cold air around her disappearing due to the heat rising in her body.

the look on his daughter’s face broke his heart. cupid was a perfect mix of him and alia; a reminder of the love that once bloomed between the two, a period of time where cora felt nothing but bliss. alia was a major inspiration to him, both as a human-being and a marine, and he prays that alia isn’t too harsh on him when they meet again.

her name’s Cupid. i named her after the god of love, because she’s so full of it and she reminds me of the love we shared share. she’s a bit shy at first, but as soon as she warms up to you she can be a bit much to handle. she likes to observe everything: people, animals, places…she’s a very adventurous being, and through that, i think she’s unlocked part of her observation haki. she’s only five, yet she’s so strong and so smart.

please, as a dying wish of mine, do not let her be forced into anything she doesn’t want to do. let her grow into her own person. i’ve been thinking more about our fathers’ ways of living…and i can’t imagine a soul like hers serving people like them. i have a strong feeling that cupid will be a big threat to both the government and pirates alike.

she’s always been special; this whole island loves her. at first i thought maybe it’s due to my dad’s reputation, but i’ve come to find out it’s just because of her spirit and humanity. she’ll make history one day. she knows i don’t have much time left, and she’s been so understanding. i can tell with every passing day that she’s trying to make this time more enjoyable and peaceful for me. she also knows about our separation and all about you, and she says she’s excited for the day for the two of you to meet — it’s kind of some sort of bragging right for her.

please, take good care of our cupid. one day she’ll understand the importance of her life, but as for now, she’s too young. attached below is some ways to contact my brother and his colleagues, they’re trustworthy people and dragon owes me one. if you ever need to contact them, please do so for any reason. be safe, rosinante. as long as cupid is alive, so is our love.

corazon was prepared for his death the moment he decided to go undercover. he had written dragon a long, long letter, explaining to him the situation that he’s in. as long as cora stays alive long enough to carry law and cupid to safety, his mission ends then, and he can rest peacefully (while hoping his body is found). silencing both children, he hides them in a wooden box, waiting for doflamingo to finally find him again.

+x+

“you’ll both be safe here. and,” corazon took yet another, bloodied, deep breath; his eyes bouncing between both of his kids, desperately hoping that in his next life he remembers their faces. “i love you.”

the last memory cupid has of her father is one that’s bloody, gruesome, and heartbreaking. but the words he spoke to her are engraved in her mind.

as long as she remembers she’s loved, this life is worth continuing to live.

+x+

★ an: i still have sooo many more ideas for cupid’s backstory (involving cora and alia) but for now i’ll settle for this. please let me know what i could work on!! i’m still getting back into the groove of writing :p

[mariaofdoranelle]

Look at Us Now - Masterlist

Aelin and Rowan don’t get along. Not at work, not when she gets pregnant, not when they have to co-parent their daughter.

However, when their four-year-old starts showing signs of distress because of their animosity, they need to work on their differences and figure out how to co-exist peacefully. Just enough to tolerate each other.

There’s no way they’d end up getting along too well… right?

General warnings: mental illness and NSFW

Main story finished but I’m continuing the fic with fluff

Dual timeline

A special thanks to @sassyhobbits for picking the fic’s name and @leiawritesstories for helping with the cover istg I can’t make a decision to save my life

~~

Read on AO3

1. Wings are not concrete.

2. Terrible and small circunstances

3. Transform brightness, wings, cheers,

4. Into a labyrinth of meager resonance.

5. Love soliloquies are not eternal.

6. However, I rebuild my wings each day

7. However, I create love

8. Like children create happiness.

9. No matter the distance that stretches between us

10. No matter the mountains that stand between us

11. The same sky covers us

12. And the same earth connects our feet.

13. Beginning and end.

14. I love you absent.

15. Because absence is what makes the love that's sensed.

16. And if this burning is to be forever

17. I will die of love being born in me.

18. I've loved you so much and in such ways

19. As if the earth was a sky blazing fire.

20. So burn my whole chest with this haze

21. As if life were fledging and flying.

22. The words that become lava in your throat

23. It’s not torment.

24. It’s this hunger for you,

25. This unbounded love.

26. Where does this breath that excites me come from

27. To look at things with the eyes that create them?

28. Of love and fear and endless waiting.

29. And if I love you more than I should

30. I don't know what else to love on earth.

31. Just expanded the fic

32. I need to sort out this poem thing lol

Bonus chapters in chronological order

Where Do We Stand?

Oneshot a year and a half before the main story starts

Chapter 3.5: Strip Away My Conscience

Chapter 11.5: Bonus Scene (RPOV)

Chapter 23.5: Maisie’s POV

Outtake: Easter

Other bonus content

My silly little playlist

Moodboard by @elentiyawhitethorn ❤️

Artwork by @fauna-flora11 ❤️

SPOILER: Deep analysis of the “breakup”, and how Rowan’s mental health shapes his relationship with Aelin throughout LAUN.

I was freaking out a little on how to name the chapters, so I ended up translating myself and mixing two Hilda Hilst poems after I had the outline. I hope you like it!

[thewindencrestroyals]

New Header and Profile Picture of Her Majesty Queen Victoria II Through her Reign.

Her Majesty Queen Victoria II Through the years Starting with Her Majesty The First week of her Reign. Still in mourning of her late 'Papa' His Majesty King Edward III, She is usure about her Reign ahead and finding her footing as a Brand New Queen at the age of 21 whilst also dealing with the mental and physical toll of becoming 'The Queen of Windencrest'. The first years of Windecrests monarchs are vital, they are historically known to truly Make or Break a Monarch. Secondly we have Her Majesty as a more mature and confident Queen, comfortable in her Reign. She has been through a lot of trails and tribulations and has seen Great Monarchies fall around her. Her Majesty has remained strong and an icon of enourmous stability in times of global unrest such as wars and Revolts and made it through the hardest years of her Reign which have truly made Her Majesty, The Queen she is Today. Lasty we have Her Majesty in her current Era, an older woman but a strong and steadfast leader. Respectable, wise and knowleagable in the final years of her enourmously successful Reign. She is becoming ready to pass The Crown down to her Son HRH Albert, The Prince of Windenburg. She continues to be a beacon of stability and light for the great people of Windencrest and has earned her spot as 'The Longest Reigning Monarch in the World' and loved by all across The Globe coining her as ‘Queen Victoria The Great’.

Summary: this little photoshoot which i have redone to have the time accurate models is inspired by 'The Crown Season 6' poster of the 3 Queens throughout their reign. I wanted to sort of copycat it and not to blow my own trumpet but i think ive done pretty well lmao. i hope you enjoyed this little bit of lore and a little window into Her Majesties life! ive been having so much fun with this new tumblr recently however i may have to go on a hiatus a little bit, but fear not i will be active behind the scenes to answer questions and stuff. also how would you guys feel about me posting threads of just stories atm and when i can ill add in some photos for a visual reference because i have some stories already written out in my notes app on my phone and i think it wuld be pretty fun to share them for example 'The Diary of The Princess Victoria of Great Newcrest' which has a few entrys about her royal life as a princess before becoming Queen but also finding out she was going to become Queen at around 5 years old and meeting HM Prince Consort George for the first time and how their love came to be, i would also like to share their entire Royal Family Tree aswell which makes up of 23 Generations but also the sim models but maybe that can be something else i start. Anyways finally i hope youve enjoyed please like and reblog it helps me out so much :)

'God Save The Queen!'

[ravenromanova]

Winter Widow Masterlist

Hello my loves❤️🖤 welcome to the materlist for my story The Winter Widow! This story was originally going to be put on wattpad and have like 50 chapters. BUT i decided to do around 20 chapters and just make those longer on here. I will try to post two chapters a time when i do upload but don’t hold me to that lmao. But here you’ll find all the chapters linked down below to make it easier to find. I hope you enjoy the story and love it as much as i do.

Summary: Lilith Rose was taken by The Red Room when she was 9 years old. She was given to them by her parents who were in debt to Dreykov. Given the serum she was 15 Lilith was trained to be the best female assassin in the world. She was eventually trained by no other than The Winter Solider. Her and The solider got close until he left one day fro a mission and she never saw him again. What happens when she wakes up? will Lilith ever see the solider again

Warning’s for this series: Heavy violence (blood, beatings, alluding to sexual assault, use of guns and knives) Lots of angst, Mentions of the red room (slight mentions of mental and physical abuse and experimentation along with brainwashing) Lilith suffers from a plethora of mental illnesses (Ptsd, Depression, Anxiety And BPD) SMUT! 18+!!!! (Later chapters) Ill add more when they come.

ON HIATUS

Mood Boards

Where it all started

Gotta be good enough

Hello solider

Party time

chapter 5

chapter 6

chapter 7

chapter 8

chapter 9

chapter 10

chapter 11

chapter 12

chapter 13

chapter 14

chapter 15

chapter 16

chapter 17

chapter 18

chapter 19

chapter 20

chapter 21

chapter 22

chapter 23

chapter 24

chapter 25

[beanmom-blogs]

People I want to get to know better

Tagged by : @archaiclumina , @briar-ffxiv , @hares-and-hounds , @dearestcherry , and @valdiis - THANK YOU SO MUCH! I don't tend to get tagged in things like this because I'm so quiet, so it warms my heart so much that you all thought about me for this <3 Also, apologies for taking so very long, I've been dealing with some physical and mental icks and there have been a few days where I was a stereotypical Orange Cat with One Braincell (Yes I know Orange Cats have more than one braincell, I have two of those babies and they're both lovely!) but I'm starting to do better now so here we are! Let's get started...

Last Song : I listen to a lot lot LOT of Spotify, and that includes the various playlists that they have on offer. Technically the last song I listened to was one called 'Meant to Live' by Switchfoot, something that was put on my Discover Weekly playlist by Spotify itself. I'll have to listen to it again I think I liked it? But this has been some days ago and right before I fell physically ill. Favourite Colour : Pink, on the light and dark ends of the spectrum. BUT. My favourite neutral is Black. And my favourite metallic is Silver!

Currently Watching : Love is Blind, on Netflix. Again, ill so binge-watching is on the cards for me till I'm feeling better! (I'm starting to, don't worry.)

Last Movie : Deadpool and Wolverine. While I haven't seen a Deadpool movie before now, I -had- seen a couple with Wolverine so I knew what to expect there but it by far exceeded my expectations. I laughed so hard.

Sweet/Spicy/Savoury : Sweet or Savoury, but mostly sweet. I have a sweet tooth, but sometimes I just have to have salty or flavourful instead. I can handle only a minimal amount of spicy, I've got a chronic stomach condition and things that make more acid are so very very bad for me.

Relationship Status : As of NEXT WEEK AAAAHHH... I will have been married for 19 years! We've been together for near 21 years altogether. It is the second marriage for the both of us (this gives a pretty good indication of my age oops) and he had a spawn from his first marriage, we have a spawn from ours. There will only be furbabies from here on, which we are a fostering home for, so our head count of cats changes frequently. Right now we have 9 of our own and 1 foster. Guess how many of those 'of our own' came because we fostered them...

Current Obsessions : FFXIV, FFXIV Write 2024, coffee, and a few YouTube channels that I cycle through when I'm not binge-watching Netflix.

Last thing I did an internet search for : A photo from the Earth Wind and Fire song 'September' (if you don't get this reference then I am REALLY showing how old I am...)

Tagging!!! : (Not been keeping track of who has done this already so if you have, feel free to point this out to me XD ) @anotherelezen , @drowxiv , @tales-of-valentine , @chidorisjournal , @kassael , @anearthlystar and actually anybody else that just wants to do it, please please PLEASE do!

[writingduhh]

Hello !!

Hi loves! Welcome to my blog!

All my works are SFW but I will reblog some NSFW. As a result of this minors DNI! (18+)

MASTERLIST

*Always open and in need of requests!! *

Who i will write for :

Ted Nivison

Jschlatt

Isaacwhy

BigT (Tanner)

Softwilly (Nick)

Larry Croft

Yumi (Blake)

Hansumfella

I’m open for fanfics, headcannons, and mood boards! (So long they aren’t super creepy, invasive to the boys, or just weird)

Boundaries

I will NOT write:

Romanticizing mental health/illness

Stalking / Kidnapping

Shipping the boys with each other

Hybrids

NSFW (I might read some but I personally just don’t write it!)

Pedophilia (obviously… literally wtf .. disgusting and a crime if you want this please seek help)

Nothing invasive, creepy, or weird

I just want to keep it fun, enjoyable, and respectful

About Me!

- My name is Ry and I am 21 years old!

- My pronouns are She/Her and I’m heterosexual :)

- I’ve been writing stories and fanfic since I was 12 years old… 🫣

- I’m currently studying psychology at university / College

- Some of my hobbies include video games, writing, reading, painting, Baseball, Volleyball, and Lacrosse

- I’m an ENTP (16 personalities)

- My Hogwarts house is Ravenclaw

- My Zodiac Sign is an Aries ♈️

- I absolutely ADORE dogs (more than I like most people)

- I have a Doberman Pincher who is my whole life

- I’m a slut for Halloween/Fall

- I look forward to hopefully making so mutuals with the same interests! So never be afraid to msg me! <3

Anons:

⁉️ ☪️ 🐰 💣

I hope you all enjoy your stay here on my page! It’s much appreciated :)

[bumblebeerror]

It’s been on my mind today but I need you to know.

Hitting 25 has been one of the best things to ever happen to me.

I don’t say this lightly - I lost my father who I loved dearly at age 18, I grew up a bit above the poverty line and now only *just* live above it. I’ve been treated for severe mental illness and learning disabilities since I was a child, starting at 6 years old. I have a physical disability and chronic pain. I have had some bad fuckin times, I’ve been through my share, and I’ll go through more I’m sure.

But I can tell you I feel so much better mentally at age 25, unable to stand for more than an hour or so without severe pain, on a consistent schedule of prescribed pain pills, discovering just how hard I was masking some pretty serious autism, struggling with my ADHD meds being less effective, and only leaving the house three total times a week because I’m immunocompromised than I was at age 13 when “all my problems were school”.

Because at age 10, nobody close to me had ever died before. At age 11, I had never lived in a new place before. At age 12, I had never felt so cold and empty and tired. I’d never endured my peers teasing me for crying about a death in my family. At age 13 I had never felt like I wanted to die before then, like the world was on fire, like it was ending. At age 14 I hadn’t known what it felt like to have period cramps so bad my mother sent me to school with a muscle relaxer and still had to pick me up by lunch, to have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that being a girl was a lie and I was a liar. At age 15 I’d never had people remind me so viciously that I wasn’t like them, I’d never felt so throughly upset by the idea of one more person calling me she. At age 16 I’d never had my heart broken before, I’d never dealt with a friend turning on me completely. At age 17, I’d never had my family feel so broken. At age 18, I’d been petrified of the idea of my father dying, and he did. At age 19, I’d never actually thought about how I would kill myself before. At 20, I’d never gotten drunk before. At 21, I’d never gone inside a bar.

You get the picture.

Your teen years suck because you’ve never done so much shit, and on top of the terrifying experience of doing it all for the first time, you also have all your peers picking at you for doing it wrong the first time. Your teen years suck because they are chaotic and new and stressful and you don’t know how to handle them yet. You’re not supposed to know yet.

Hitting 25 was the realization that I wasn’t going to just up and die, that now I have to actually plan. I have to do taxes, and that I actually know how to. That I have to care for my pets and I know how to. That I have to drive to work and do my job and I know how to.

25 was what made me realize that I had things I was supposed to be around for. People and pets who relied on me, who loved me and needed me and wanted me.

That I can have a panic attack and know that I’m having one. That something can piss me off and I know I can take a moment before I respond. The awareness that I do not have to do everything for the first time all the time anymore, that I know stuff, that I’ve been around the block and can use those tools is INVALUABLE. The fact that I can look at my intrusive thoughts and, if I truly wanted to, CHOOSE to indulge them? That I can sit here and be the cat that doesn’t wish to go to the vet and the concerned cat owner?

It changes everything.

It was the realization that I am the one punishing myself. That I can and should respect myself as a person because it means I can respect more deeply the care that other people have for me. It sounds so stupid when I explain it but it’s absolutely a whole different ball game.

The fact that I think the only thing that could severely tank my mental health is if I were to become homeless in winter or actively abused or something similar should speak volumes to you what I mean when I say that not having to do everything for the first time all the time is a huge mental weight off you.

I promise. It will feel better when you are 25. I promise that even if it isn’t fixed, it will be easier. And if I’m wrong when you hit 25, you can come yell at me about it. Probably I’ll still be here.

[silawastaken]

Surely Chuuya will understand that Dazai declining mental health isn’t his fault or Dazais fault or anyone’s fault, really, though certain people definitely have had a bigger part in it than others (looking at mori). Surely Chuuya will understand that Dazai didn’t talk about any of it because he’s mentally ill and genuinely doesn’t believe anyone should care about him, and that lashing out at Dazai isn’t going to help the situation. Surely! Surely! The confrontation between Dazais, now traumatized, younger sister who really only has him and who will now refuse to stop clinging onto him and his older brother figure who just lost the love of his life will be much worse than the confrontation with his soulmate. Surely!!!!!!! SURELY CHUUYA WILL BE UNDERSTANDING AND SUPPORTIVE!! AND NOTHING VAD WILL EVER HAPPEN EVER AGAN!!!!!!

Also I’ve finally had time to reread chap 21 and really read it you know, and I just wanna say that scene where dazai complains about being hungry and everyone else immediately handing him food? that shit was GOOD! I’m a fan of slowburn and ssk abd all that good shit but it’s nice to see whenever their friends do shit like that. Reminds me of when dazais bag broke right after Oda died. It’s just cute :3

I'VE BEEN SAVING THIS SINCE YOU SENT IT BECAUSE I HAD THOUGHTS™ AND NEEDED TO SHARE WITHOUT SPOILERS. SO, CHAPTER 22 SPOILERS IF YOU HAVEN'T READ IT ALREADY.

So, Chuuya in chapter 22 is special to me, and i responded to a comment about it- Because of how he reacts.

Chuuya's first reaction is fear. He's scared, because the person he loves the most had tried to khs, and Chuuya didn't notice. He didn't put it together. His next, as Dazai continues to try and run and hide despite it being obvious Chuuya knew, was anger and frustration because of the fact that he's scared.

He's scared, worried, he's just had something he's been freaking out about for weeks revealed to be the one person he didn't consider, and that one person is extremely mentally ill. Like any sixteen year old- He doesn't necessarily react in the appropriate manner.

Of course, as he calms down and figures things out, his reaction becomes more understandable and appropriate- more focused on getting through the day to a place it's safer to process all that happened, and he doesn't push when Dazai says he doesn't want to talk about it.

He's just worried, and hurt because of how blatantly he's been lied too. There's likely a degree of guilt he feels, and will feel, regardless of how much he's aware that it isn't his fault.

An Elise/Ango confrontation hasn't happened yet, but you're right, the likelihood would be that that confrontation would be worse than the Chuuya one. Because, like you said, Elise walked in on Dazai's half dead body, and Ango just lost the most important person to him, and Dazai is that person's younger brother.

There are so many ways that confrontation could go, and while it wouldn't necessarily be explosive the way the Chuuya one was, it would almost certainly hurt worse imo, given everything else that has happened to his siblings and Ango.

The next chapter is going to be pretty heavy I think, given we've moved past the entire soulmate thing, this is picking up loose ends. And lots of those are centered around Dazai and his abuse.

But yeah. Chuuya was specifically written so that he wouldn't instantly have an understanding reaction, so that he would go through different layers of emotion before his finally got to the understanding stuff, because he's human, and also pretty fucking traumatised from this whole thing, and therefore it's more realistic for him to have a negative reaction first, before beginning to understand and be nicer about it.

And yeah that scene with Dazai having food thrown at him was so nice, I wanted to specifically include a bit that confirmed that after they realised about how bad Dazai actually was with food, they were all looking out for it.

Anyway you probably were NOT looking for this long ass rant but thank you for this ask cause it really had me thinking <33

[quill-of-thoth]

Letters from Watson, catching up

Study In Scarlet part 1: 1880 I’ve been neglecting my correspondence (emails) and decided to start my Holmes reread today, with some good old fashioned deductive speculation and some context, in case anyone else is also reading along a month late. Please bear with me as I neglect to commit to either a Watsonian (these are real people who we can learn biographical data about) or a Doylist (remember this is just a book and we should just relax) point of view. If your mental image of Holmes and Watson are either Robert Downey Junior and Jude law, or Jeremy Brett and David Burke, you will probably be surprised at how young these two probably are.

Preliminary evidence: Our Friends’ ages

- Watson was wounded at the battle of Maiwand, fought July 27 1880, ill for months, plural, and the journey back to england took a month. At the very earliest he started looking for lodgings in November 1880 - He would have been at medical school for at least two, probably three years before finishing in 1878. It is unlikely, though not impossible, that he would have started his course of study significantly before reaching his twenties. For historical comparison, Dr. James Barry, also an army surgeon with a degree from a British medical school, started his course of study at the age of approximately twenty, and became an army surgeon at about 23. (Although Dr. Barry died in 1865 it’s unlikely that there would be a huge difference in how long their courses of study took.) People seem to have gone directly to medical school instead of doing other university courses first.  - While he could be older, could be slightly younger. Watson is probably around twenty five. - Holmes is still taking university courses, erratically, and although we don’t get any timeline of his studies, he’s probably not older than Stamford, who was a surgeon’s assistant when Watson worked with him at St. Bartholemew’s Hospital, and presumably still works there given how much he knows about Holmes’ use of the chemical labs. “Young” Stamford is likely a few years younger than Watson.  - Like Watson Holmes probably started his studies in his very late teens or early twenties. The age of getting a degree could and did vary during the 1800s from our current conception of who’s the right age to be in college (with people somewhat more likely to be sent off to secondary education slightly younger than seventeen or eighteen than they are now, and also plenty of instances of people starting college later than we usually expect from someone who is headed directly there after their childhood studies and before their first adult career) but the important thing here is that Holmes appears to be in charge of his own finances, and the age of majority for Victorian men was 21.  - Holmes has pretty much got to be somewhere between 20 and 25. My money is on him being 22-23 (because he does already have a reputation, as we shall see, he has completed at least a year of study during the time he was friends with Victor Trevor, and because he appears to complete, or give up, his coursework between the end of Study in Scarlet and any other case Watson witnesses) and on Watson being 24-26. - For context, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wrote this story at age 27 in 1886. It’s not unreasonable to assume that, despite timeline weirdness (He was born in 1859, as Holmes might have been, but he will obviously always set his writing in the past), Holmes and Watson are going to age more or less with him.  - I have only vague memories of the Baring-Gould chronology for this series but I think it agrees with me in that regard. Baring-Gould thinks Holmes is about two or three years older than I think Holmes is, though. 

Conclusion: My sympathies to Mrs. Hudson, these boys are going to be the death of a decent amount of your furniture. 

[feeshybeach]

trannytek -> feeshybeach

collective names : Tango, Jimmy, Scott

collective pronouns : he/sea/ice/cold/snow/fire/flames

other info ? : 21 years old. polyfrag DID sys w/ OCD, BPD, AUDHD, and other disabilities. certified tranny fag. gay lover. a bear in both the gay term and because I will eat so many blueberries and then sleep for days on end... we're actively delusional at times and can truly believe we are c!tango, c!jimmy, and c!scott. do not reality check us. Doing so will result in an instant block <3

tldr : collectively disabled and mentally ill bitch whos insane about flower ranchers o7

https://rentry.co/coralcoveco

* not completely finished but good enough!!

I love writing gay shit between minecraft characters. You should give me prompts and ideas for general mcyt fanfic ideas. Blinks at you. My art and writing blog is @transmodifiedtek. I don't often use it and may phase it out. who knows? I sure as heck don't! :3

I will likely be phasing out the art blog and just post here, I am unsure!!

We are fluid with the language we use on ourselves, including but not limited to; parts, alters, headmates, and sometimes, the bitches who eats my cheese at 3 am!!

we don't expect much from our followers but to simply be kind. That's literally it. dms, asks, etc, are always open! interact with us!! we don't bite unless you ask!!

main fandoms;

Hermitcraft, empires s2, life series, dsmp, team crafted / old mcyt, yogscast, my little pony, HOMESTUCK, TOME (terrain of magical expertise), BBC Sherlock, BBC Merlin, Harry Potter¹, lord of the rings/the hobbit, welcome to night vale

¹ we have a long-term special interest in HP fanfic, and we do not support jkr. terfs suck.

the only "dni" i really have is: Endogenic community + supporters are not welcome on my blog(s). This is due to trauma reasons. i do not give a shit. Leave me alone. I won't start shit I will simply block - just. Know you aren't welcome here, ykno? :/

general like. before you follow below?? I don't think dnis or byf/byis really. Do anything. this is just for Those Who Care. <3

i do not give a shit about cc!wilbur & cc!dream - support victims. thank u

this blog LOVEESS kinky sex and the right for two (or more) consenting adults to do whatever they want.

no fiction is immoral or inherently evil - kill the puritan in your head. write that fuck nasty toxic yaoi & yuri

mspec identities have a long historical part of the queer community

[angelgendered]

i'm in love and it's made me so inexplicably happy that they love me too, i can't over estimate that tbh! (like my love life has been tumultuous at best for years and being able to settle in with someone is so lovely. that regularity of contact daily, soft conversations, finding out little things about them as time goes on, feeling whole and complete and HAPPY!!) I genuinely think that along with it just being Hadley znd the fact that i adore them, the fact that we're both some variety of queer is healing, too. I don't have a trans joy tat for nothing, and being with someone who accepts you and your body and your bad days and good? Someone who accepts your transition journey for what it is, and affirms your gender and presentation at every damn turn? It's amazing.

i'm becoming more independent again after a major disabling event/illness/syndrome/whatever you wanna call it too, with the help of my wheelchair and mobility aids! (and it's so nice that my love is accepting of my need for help too. their only request? that when i'm using my chair, we can still hold hands. i mean. how lucky am i!!!)

i'm sorting out my mental health too! it's so much better than it was two years ago when i was dx'd bpd/eupd (tho my gp thinks i'm autistic and it could be a misdiagnosis as psych tablets don't help me much if at all even tho I'm on lots of them for dual nerve pai a nd psych reasons) and that's down to letting myself have a better life! i'm daring to hope things for the future where before i didn't see any future for myself two years ago. i thought i wouldn't make it to 33 and yet here i am, a month away from that and so happy i could burst

i still have bad days and low days but they're so much fewer than they once were. at one point it was all day every day and i felt overwhelmed and sad and paranoid and it's all melting away now. v slowly, but it is. i feel like my old self again, pre-angelique which was years ago but had such a heavy effect on my relationships that i couldn't hold anything serious down, and pre-cauda equina too. i will never physically be the same as before ces, but i'm beginning to think i can be who i was when i was like 21 or 19 and genuinely happy with my life.

i will likely never hold down a job. that's just something i have to accept. but. despite that one thing i can't change at all, i'm so happy lately!! i'm accepting my limitations and pushing where i feel able to. hadley has made me so happy, just by being there, and being them, and loving me in return. i feel so desired and loved and wanted despite never having really been the kind of person who believes that about themselves before now, (especially not where my physical body is concerned bc of dysphoria and dysmorphia but! hadley loves me for me and god, isn't that refreshing!!) my improving mobility and mood can't be understated too, while I'll probably always need a powered wheelchair cos I just can't walk long distances, getting around indoors is easier at least. I'm actually doing my physio since my ces too which is def helping.

Idk. All this to say that I'm so damn happy with my life and I never thought that I'd feel this way again. More than I did before, even, in fact. Things do get better. You will find a person, or people, who love you for you. Whether that's romantic, platonic, or you're someone who doesn't distinguish between the two. You'll find love of some kind. And it'll heal you. Along with gently pushing yourself to get better tbh. If I wasn't pushing to get better even before hadley told me that they love me, I don't think I'd have been in the heads pace to accept that and love them as wholly as I do. It's hard to love someone and accept their love when you feel broken, so its good that I was on the mend while we were becoming closer, too!

It's corny. But it does get better. I promise. From someone who thought they wouldn't be alive now. Trust me.

[riftclaw]

I have not had the time to really keep up w social media lately but I did enter V into @sonic-oc-showdown so I’m throwing together a post about him for anyone who hasn’t seen him before. Sege linked me a list of questions for an ask game so I’m going to answer those under the cut.

He also has a toyhouse page, which is a little out of date, but very lightly touches some darker topics (some medical and medical experimentation themes, mentions of drug use, mentions of trauma, violence and mental illness). V is a long-time comfort character which also means he has suffered so much bc that’s how we roll sometimes.

Art credits: me, Tracey Yardley!, @werewolfri0t, @spiritsonic, @pidgeonspen, @forkthief, @sege-h, @finitevus, @fini-mun, @starlitskvader (Legitimately could not choose which pictures to include so I included a lot of them. sorry. I love them all so much. If you’re not following these wonderful artists already you should be!)

✨- How did you come up with the OC’s name? “Agent” bc he works for GUN, “VX” bc it’s the name of a nerve agent. It is also a subtle pun. You’re welcome.

🌼 - How old are they? (Or approximate age range) Current-day V is 35 years old, but as a riftclaw he’d fall into the 18-21 age group (adult, still kinda dumb and impulsive).

🌺- Do they have any love interest(s)? V is poly and is dating several people at once. He’s married to Caprice for legal reasons, but the whole of the polycule encompasses them and Curie, Valke and Luka, w V having a couple casual partners not involved in the main polycule (Atos [for now], Chad, Neura).

🍕 - What is their favorite food? V doesn’t really like to eat and kinda treats it as an unfortunate necessity of continuing to live.

💼 - What do they do for a living? V works for GUN in a weird in-between position; on paper he’s a field agent but he ends up doing multiple different jobs especially if there’s gaps that need filling. At the moment he’s acting medical examiner while they find someone qualified enough to handle the weirder cases that come through GUN’s HQ.

🎹 - Do they have any hobbies? He buries himself in work a good 95% of the time but he sure loves to play minecraft. He’s banned himself from videogames bc he knows if he plays more than one he’ll never get anything done again.

🎯 -What do they do best? V’s main strength is that he’s stubborn as hell and willing to smack his head against something repeatedly until he wins. His whole side goal is developing a cure for a genetic illness that’s present in his clan and despite this seeming impossible he has been pushing his way through an insane amount of study while also holding down his GUN job in order to eventually do that.

🥊 -What do they love to do? What do they hate to do? He loves learning about new horrible poisons and diseases, which is one of his favourite pastimes. He also loves spending time w his datemates/packmates (two different things). He hates being told what to do so anything he’s being commanded to do is something he hates in that moment. Hilarious.

❤️ - What is one of your OC’s best memories? The first time he got to hold his son again after giving him up for adoption shortly after he was born. That Muna’s new parents wanted him to still have some kind of relationship with him was an unexpected joy for him.

✂️ - What is one of your OC’s worst memories? There’s this whole 6-month period of his life where he was “working” for Glory he does not like to remember at all.

🧊 - Is their current design the first one? No but it’s still very close. The main changes were removing the spines on the tail and adding the big triangular eye markings.

🍀 - What originally inspired the OC? Thorny devil lizards + horrible poisons I was reading about as a teen. Then I watched Repo! The Genetic Opera and you can probably see where I got his outfit from if you know anything about it.

🌂 - What genre do they belong in? Whatever genre you’d assign an edgier sonic game like SA2 or ShTH.

💚 - What is your OC’s gender identity and sexuality? I call him genderfluid and alloaro (+ bi/pan) although he doesn’t really ID as either in-universe. His perception of his own gender tends to change a lot, and “he” is just the easiest pronoun to use when you work with humans a lot.

🙌 - How many sibling does your OC have? He was raised as an only child; he has a half-sister who lives in a different world and has adopted a few of his alternate selves + their siblings.

🍎 - What is the OC’s relationship w/their parents like? His relationships w his mum and grandpa (the parents who raised him) are quite positive; he visits them at least once a year during the big gathering the clan holds in June. His relationship with his father is terrible and he’s threatened to kill the guy at least twice.

🧠 - What do you like most about the OC? This one is difficult to answer bc I’ve been rotating him constantly in my mind for 10+ years now. I like drawing him and writing about him and also thinking about what’s going on in his mind. Also I project a lot on him. That’s fun.

✏️ - How often do you draw/write about the OC? Extremely but I never finish writing. I draw him more than anyone else atm.

💎 - Do you ever see yourself killing off the OC? No, bc it’s funny if the guy who doesn’t really wanna survive lives forever.

💀 - Does your OC have any phobias? He has a general fear of losing his control of his self, which is specifically triggered by Glory’s mind control powers but applies more broadly to having his autonomy restricted.

🍩 -Who is your OC’s arch-nemesis or rival? Glory is V’s biggest adversary and basically like, his end boss. He has a couple smaller opponents (couple guys in the UF military structure, Ossein) to go through first though.

🎓 - How long have you had the OC?/ 🍥 - What age were you when you created the OC? Since I was 17 or so, so about 16-17 years. We’re old!

[j4nedoes]

#j4nedoes is an Indie Headcanon based Max Caulfield originally of Square Enix's LIFE IS STRANGE, REWOUND by Victoria (she / her), 25+. #AAPI 15 years of experience, 10 on tumblr

est. 2024 LOW ACTIVITY. MINORS DNI

Temp Rules under cut;

001. I’M LISTED AS SELECTIVE, AND MUTUALS ONLY. ALL I ASK IS THAT FOR STARTER CALLS AND PLOTTING THAT YOU DON’T INTERACT WITH THE POST UNLESS WE FOLLOW EACH OTHER. I DO TEND TO BE PICKY WITH WHO I FOLLOW AND WHO FOLLOWS ME. NOTHING PERSONAL, I JUST WANT MY DASH TO BE A FUN EXPERIENCE FOR MYSELF. ANOTHER WAY TO MAKE MY DASH A SAFE EXPERIENCE IS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO FOLLOW ME BE AT LEAST 18+. PREFERABLY 21+, BUT ANY MUNS NEED TO BE OF AGE. IF YOU AREN'T YOU WILL GET A SWIFT HARD BLOCK. 002. I ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO READ YOUR RULES AND DOCS. I’M NOT MUCH OF ONE TO SEND IN PASSWORDS, HOWEVER. AND IF YOUR BLOG DOESN'T HAVE ANY RULES LISTED (OR AGE), THEN I WILL NOT FOLLOW YOU. if i've written with you previously on another blog, I am more lenient about this rule. 003. I CAN BE A SLOW WRITER. MY REPLY SPEED DOESN’T INDICATE MY INTEREST LEVEL IN YOU, OR OUR PLOT. I WORK IN THE ENTERTAINMENT FIELD, I’M VERY CHRONICALLY ILL, I’M ALSO VERY FORGETFUL! SOMETIMES I DON'T HAVE THE SPELL SLOTS TO REPLY. SMUT ISN’T MY THING UNLESS WE’RE CLOSE AND FREQUENT WRITING PARTNERS. IF SMUT HAPPENS, IT WILL NOT BE TAKING PLACE ON THE DASH.

004. I DON’T RP ABUSE, INCEST, RAPE, ETC. I ALSO WILL NOT INTERACT WITH OR TOLERATE WEND/GO CHARACTERS. NO HATE SPEECH (NO N.ZISM, RADFEM/TERF/SWERF IDEOLOGY, HOMOPHOBIA, ISLAMOPHOBIA, ANTISEMITISM, ANTI-ASIAN IDEALS), P.DOPHILIA, RACISM, HUGE AGE-GAP POWER DYNAMICS, OR PETTY CALL OUT POSTS. THIS SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING, BUT NO FUCKING DRAMA. SERIOUSLY, I'M TOO OLD, TOO ILL, AND TOO OVER THIS HIGH SCHOOL MENTALITY. WE'RE ALL HERE PLAYING BARBIES ON THE INTERNET. I WILL ABSOLUTELY HARD BLOCK IF THERE IS ANY DRAMA. PERIOD.

005. I LOVE SHIPPING, BUT I ALSO LIKE CHEMISTRY. IF YOU WANT TO SHIP, LET ME KNOW. IT GIVES US SOMETHING TO WORK TOWARDS. HOWEVER, I WILL ALSO BE HONEST IF I DON’T SEE THINGS WORKING OUT. AS LONG AS OUR MUSES GET ALONG AND THERE'S A SPARK, I HAVE NO PROBLEM SHIPPING ANY SHIP. OC'S, CROSS-SERIES, ETC. I'M OPEN TO MOST PAIRINGS. JUST KNOW THAT WHILE I MAY SHIP A CERTAIN PAIR, THAT DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY MEAN I WILL SHIP IT WITH YOU. I LIKE PLOTTING AND CHEMISTRY FIRST.

006. THE ABSOLUTE BEST WAY TO START AN INTERACTION AS A MUTUAL IS TO SEND ME AN ASK MEME! THESE ARE ALWAYS OPEN, SO SEND THEM IN WHEN YOU HAVE INSPIRATION. I ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO FORMAT THE ASK MEME ANSWERS SO THAT IT CAN BE EASILY CONTINUED INTO A THREAD. ASK MEMES HONESTLY JUST TAKE OFF SOME OF THE PRESSURE OF THINKING UP STARTERS, AND ARE A LOWER LEVEL SPELL SLOT FOR ME!

[klaustheclock]

Ok I'm sorry to like the 1 person reading this at the moment but-

Why do people think being the favorite and golden child is a good thing?

Because I'm sorry but its the worst thing ever.

Ok I'm sorry I not trying to sound rude or inconsiderate or selfish but it's really bad and I just need to rant my heart out.

Also my situation is a little different because I got really old parents(I'm talking in their 50s).

Ok so let's start with being the "favorite child". Also I'm sorry to all the people who had to deal with worst favoritism and being the unloved child. Ok so I know being the favorite sounds amazing on surface value but it's not. I'm the youngest and you probably expect me to be a spoiled brat who gets everything and narcissistic because I'm the "favorite". But that's far from the truth. I don't get everything I want, I have extremely low self esteem and I'm not a spoiled brat. I honestly used to this that all the stereo types about favored and gifted children were true but now I realize that for me and some others it's not. I used to beat myself up for these things and tbh I still do even though I've come to terms with the fact that there not true.

This is probably due to my siblings. I have two older sisters, both of which are in high school. Because my parents favor me more I have a strained relationship with them(if you can even call it that). There both incredibly bitchy to me and shit. There rude and they criticize my every more. They beat me down whenever they get a chance, even if I'm already at rock bottom. This is probably because they think they have to make me suffer because of our parents. Which isn't fair at all. I can’t even talk to them about my feelings because they'll use it against me or they just call me sensitive and won't give two fucks. They talk to eachother about there feelings and experiences all the time and just disclude me. They also talk about me behind my back and even to our parents. At first when I was younger I thought it was just them joking around with me but I realized when I got older that it wasn't. However my parents "favor" isn't even really big. Our parents still buy then what they want despite saying they wouldn’t. So they beg and get a lot of things but the moment I ask for a book or something there mad at me and calling me a spoiled brat. Which leads me to my next point.

Being the golden/gifted child

If I had a dollar for everytime I had a mental breakdown because of my grades I'd be a million air.

So I have something called academic validation. Meaning that my self worth is solely dependent on my grades. I was always a nerd but this is just to much. My oldest sister used to be in the same role but the pressure was lighter. So when she got into high school she said fuck school and started skipping classes and shit. This was bad but it didn't help that my brother who is 21 now did the same thing but worse. It started with my brother so our parents started to put pressure on my oldest sister and me, the youngest. They said the the middle child grades were fine even though they were lower the both of ours. We were always straight A students but then my sister decided she didn't care anymore that left all the pressure on me. I was only in 5th grade at the time so it was a lot on me. When I talked to my sister about it all she said was "don't care, deal with it". And so I did.

All my middle school years was just academics. I went to a Ib league school so the work was harder than your average American school. I sill managed to keep all A's but I wasn't happy at all. I never got anything for my academics anyway. My parents just brushed it off and said, "Your smart you should get these grades anyway. We shouldn't have to be expected to give you something." All I asked for was a good job or something like that. That night I broke down completely. Then I finally realized that no matter what I do ill never be good enough for anybody. I had no good traits about me. I hear no talent, I wasn't pretty, and I wasn't really a fun person to be around. I over thought everything I did so whenever we played games I couldn't deal with the pressure. Once one of my friends told me "your the only person who I know can make the game hangman unfun." It was supposed to be a joke and we laughed it off but that made me want to cry. That day i realized from another friend that we kinda grew up to fast. Looking at it now I didn’t really have a child hood. I was always fored to play catch up with my older siblings. I always had to be on par with them to even be looked at as a human being.

I was always the one people looked for help to with was good(I love helping people) but it kinda became overwhelming. I kinda just hide it with jokes about myself. I'm the therapist friend but yet I can't tell people my feelings. I can’t talk to my parents, my sisters, my friends, and I don't have a lover. They'll either just brush it off or not care at all. It hurts a lot. This leads me to often be confined and left alone with my emotions.

Which leads to me today. The me currently writing this long ass Ted talk. I have terrible anxiety and zero self worth and I feel the need to be validated with my grades and by the people around me. But even with all this I still feel empty. Like it's just hard. I turn to books and history to try and distract me but that can only take you so far. Also I find myself comparing myself to my friends because my parents always compared me to my siblings. I feel the emine pressure to fit into the mold my teachers, friends, and parents think I am and want. I work as hard as I can but it feels like I always come short.

I apologize sincerely if this comes off as selfish or narcissistic.

I wanna try and over come this and gain confidence in myself but it seems impossible. I'm still only in the 8th grade so maybe it'll finally dawn on me. It's just wherever I try to reach out for help I feel so selfish and entitled. It's like a voice in the back of your mind telling you "People deal with so much worse than this and you have the audacity to cry at these things? You shouldn't feel this way just suck it up. Your just weak, nothings wrong with you."

Thank you for listening to my rant, I apologize for wasting your time.