#2022 I quit my job and didn’t have one for 3 months so…

[ursa-mediocre]

I did my taxes someone be proud of me

[hanjisungs-bigtittyg0thgf]

Kinktober day 3: Mirrors with Changbin

Trigger warnings:

Content warnings: choking, names (okay one name. baby), frantic and messy, changbin picks mc up, mirrors (obviously), unprotected sex (for the love of god do not-)

Summary: Your cute coworker sneaks you into the mirror maze after hours.

Word count: 1.7k

A/N: hi all 🥰 after much consideration, i’ve decided to repost my kinktober 2022 stories. i had a great time writing these a couple years ago and want to share them again now that it’s been a while and i’ve had time to fall in love with them again. i hope you all enjoy! and by all means, feel free to send a message or comment here if you’d like to be part of the new tag list!

Tags: @bahng-chrizz

Smut below the cut

“We shouldn’t be doing this.” You whispered even as you untucked his polo and your fingers inched underneath.

“We shouldn’t.” He agreed, helping you peel the black cotton from his body.

“We could get in trouble.” You unbuttoned the three buttons on your polo shirt.

“We could.” He affirmed and pulled your shirt up and over your head.

“We might lose our jobs.” Your fingers fumbled with the button on his jeans for a moment before successfully popping it and slipping a hand into his pants. He fit perfectly in your hand and you felt a flood of arousal wash over your body as he took a staggered breath.

“We might.” He started, quickly unbuttoning your jeans and shoving them down to your knees with your panties in one swift move. He slipped a hand between your legs and ran a finger through your folds, groaning at how wet you were. “But seeing you like this is so fucking worth it.”

All logic went out the door - not that either of you were capable of critical thinking at the moment. The only thing outside of your little bubble of horny that either of you could bring yourselves to even slightly care about was the risk of security catching you.

He pulled back and spun you around, leaving you staring at yourself in the mirror that was previously behind you as he pressed in close to you. “Take a good look. You’re already so wrecked and I haven’t even done anything.” His voice was a low rumble as his lips danced against your neck, eyes peeking up at your reflection through his lashes.

His strong arms circled your waist, warm hands sliding up to cup your breasts. “B-Bin…” His eyes slipped shut as he took a deep breath, reveling in your scent as he sank his teeth into your shoulder. You gasped his name again and reached back, grabbing his hips.

“I’ve wanted you all night. You’re so fucking hot.” He rolled your nipple between his fingers as his right hand moved to your throat.

“I was only in my uniform.” You giggled breathlessly as he lifted his face from your neck to watch your expression change when he squeezed your throat. Your eyes rolled back and your jaw hung slack as your breathing grew ragged.

“And now that I’m seeing you in less, I’m determined to make this more than a one off.” He whispered into your ear, nipping at your lobe a moment later. “You know I’ve been after you for weeks, months even. I want you. I want you in every sense of the word.”

Blood rushed to your head as he let up, leaving you dizzy and infinitely more horny. You felt like you were going to quite literally pass away if you didn’t have him inside you soon. “Please…”

“I want you to watch yourself fall apart for me.” You shuddered as he backed away from you, both at his tone and the warmth of his body leaving yours. “Bend over.” You complied instantly and pressed your hands against the cool glass in front of you.

Glancing at the reflection of another mirror, you could see him stroking his cock before lining up. Your gaze shifted to watch his face over your shoulder, pussy involuntarily clenching at his expression as your warmth enveloped him. He was fucking stunning. His grip on your hips was bruising as he tried to contain his excitement, his breathing becoming shallow. “Fuck you feel good, baby…”

You whimpered at the compliment - or maybe it was the name? - and wiggled your hips, desperate for more. He was big and you needed him to rearrange your guts right that second. You needed it more than you needed to breathe.

When he didn’t immediately give in, you rocked back against him and he squeezed your hips tighter. “Baby, hold on…” he groaned, making your cunt ache with desire. He was so eager and desperate to feel you, to please you, that he felt like he’d cum on the spot if you didn’t give him a minute to calm himself.

“I don’t wanna hold on, Bin, I want you to fuck me.” You whined and something in him snapped. He caught you staring at him and lightly slapped your ass.

“Eyes on your reflection.” He ordered before pulling almost all the way out and slamming back into you. You watched your mouth drop open in a silent cry, face already contorting with pleasure.

Your gaze traveled from your lips to just over your shoulder, eyes locked on the way his body moved behind yours as he fucked you. You looked away before he caught you and stifled a yelp when he angled you just right to hit your sweet spot dead on. “Th-there!” You gasped as he sped up.

It seemed like forever yet only seconds as he worked you up. But it was all snatched away when he stopped, cock still buried in you as he took you in. You opened your mouth to beg when you heard him curse under his breath. “Just a second, baby.” He breathed out, clearly trying to control himself if the strain in his voice was anything to go by. You felt smug at the thought of making him cum too fast and moved against him, earning a hiss. “I said wait.”

“I don’t wanna!” You whined pathetically. “I want you to fuck me so hard I can’t walk tomorrow. I don’t care if you cum right this second or in an hour, just please, please fuck me. I’ve wanted you for months too...”

If he needed more convincing, that last line was it. You wanted him as much as he wanted you? Then he’d give you when you wanted.

He set a brutal pace and your jaw dropped. It didn’t take long for him to have you weak in the knees. He felt your legs trembling and offered more support as he fucked into you. Your head hung lazily as all energy left your body. You were nothing more than a hole for his pleasure.

He grabbed a fistful of your hair and forced you to face yourself in the mirror again. “What a mess…” he tutted and you had to agree. You looked wrecked. Your hair was a mess, your makeup was smudged from squeezing your eyes shut, and your cheeks were flushed a pretty rose. It had been ages since you were rendered useless like this and you loved every second of it. “Stunning.”

You snapped your mouth shut, sucking your bottom lip between your teeth as he repeatedly drove his full length into you. Your legs began to grow weak as every muscle in your body tensed, ready to release at any given moment.

His thrusts grew sloppy as he chased his high, releasing your hair so he could hold both your hips. You forced yourself to keep your head up, eyes flitting to his reflection once more. You wanted to see his face when he came. “So fucking close…”

“Cum inside.”

“You sure?” His hips stuttered at your request and you nodded.

“I have an IUD, please just fucking cum in me-” You demanded. He’d have to fuck that attitude out of you sometime.

“Fucking hell…” He groaned, letting his eyes slip shut for a brief moment before staring at you in the mirror. His eyes were half-lidded and filled with lust, almost glossing over. His eyebrows were drawn in concentration and his lips were parted just enough for his tongue to dart out occasionally.

Then his jaw dropped and his eyes closed and he let out one of the most beautiful sounds you’d ever heard as he filled you to the brim. You tore your eyes away from his face and looked at the various reflections around you, allowing you to take in the way his hips stuttered and how his muscles tensed from almost every angle. He looked perfect.

But then he lifted you off the ground just the slightest bit and your whole body went weak. Something about even the smallest display of strength from him made your legs turn to jelly.

He didn’t stop fucking into you despite the slight overstimulation, determined to finish you off. He noticed the way your walls fluttered around him and smirked. “What is it, baby? Like being filled with cum? Or is it being lifted up like you weigh nothing?”

“Both. Mostly the latter.” You squeaked out, pussy clenching when he lifted you even higher so your toes were just barely touching the ground. You felt weightless and absolutely helpless, completely at his mercy as your orgasm drew closer.

He could tell how close you were without you having to say a word - not that you could speak even if you wanted to. Your eyes were scanning every mirror, taking in the way he railed you from every angle you could find. “You close?” You nodded weakly and he chuckled. “Go ahead, baby, let go. Cum all over my cock.”

You wanted to, you really did, but you couldn’t. Not immediately anyways. It took about a minute for your body to start trembling violently as wave after wave of molten lava flooded your veins. It’d been a while since you came that hard, toys could only do so much when you were desperate to actually feel Changbin inside you. He helped you ride it out, not stopping until you were left with only the aftershocks of pleasure and your breathing had started to even out.

He carefully placed you back on your feet and made sure you could stand before backing away, a mixture of your cum and his starting to dribble out of you when he pulled out. You didn’t have anything to clean up with so you started to pull your pants back up when he stopped you. “Hold on.” His voice was gentle, as was his touch as he wiped you clean with his shirt.

“But…what are you gonna wear now?” You asked meekly, cheeks flushing red again.

“I’m going home so it doesn’t matter.” He hummed as he balled up the shirt. “But I couldn’t let you drive home in a mess.” He shrugged and tucked himself back in his jeans as you quickly dressed yourself.

After stealing a kiss, you looked around with a frown. “How the hell do we get out of here?”

<-d-2 | d-4->

[fereldanwench]

A Personal, and Final, Reflection on A Certain Fandom

Having spent the past week and a half away from the Tumblr side of the C*b*rp*nk community after a resurgence of old wank (not hashing out the details–IYKYK), I heavily weighed the pros and cons of saying anything else. Ultimately, I decided for my own peace of mind and ability to fully move forward, I do want to say a few things (or a lot of things, given how long this is). This blog is my personal archive first and foremost, and I think writing a “final chapter” will help me find closure. I’m also choosing to publish this because, at the risk of sounding presumptuous, I think my mistakes and subsequent revelations might be good learning experiences for others, too. 

Like many of us, just by the nature of when this game was released, I entered this fandom during a very fragile, tumultuous time in my life–Well, sort of, let me back it up a little: I actually initially entered it during a great time in my life. It was July 2021, I had just enjoyed about 6 weeks off from work after quitting a demanding job that had sucked the life out of me for almost 10 years, and I had started a promising new job. I even bought the game with the first paycheck from said new job!

Unfortunately, while I had been told that this position was temp-to-hire, not only was it not a path to a permanent role, but because I completed all the work in my contract over a month sooner than they anticipated (early September vs late October), I was being let go early because they had nothing else for me to work on. I was literally told over the phone, “You did amazing work, you got us caught up through November, but we don’t have anything else for you.”

Cue about 6 months of recruiters ghosting me, exhausting interview processes, demoralizing rejections, and scam upon scam upon scam, all culminating in me returning to the job I had been so happy to leave a year earlier. And while my old coworkers were ecstatic to have me back, I couldn’t help but feel like a complete failure. I took what I thought was a calculated risk, I thought I could do something better for myself, and I couldn’t. It’s something I’m still struggling with today, honestly.

On top of this, I also experienced a debilitating physical health episode in January 2022 which led to me being effectively bedridden for about 3 weeks. [CW: Menstruation, sexual health] I’m not sure of the exact cause–maybe a bad reaction to emergency contraception, maybe unsafe menstrual underwear, but it resulted in menorrhagia so severe I fainted from blood loss. My insurance had literally just ended, another wave of COVID was hitting, and I didn’t want to risk getting infected sitting in an ER for hours only to rack up a few thousand in debt to get a blood transfusion. So rest, iron supplements, and lots of meat and spinach and orange juice was the best I could do.

All of this led to my world becoming very small. I wasn’t working, I could barely do my hobbies or see my local friends, and simple everyday tasks like showering drained me of all my energy. When I was stuck in bed and could barely keep my eyes open for more than a few hours at a time, gossip was a welcome, low-effort distraction from the physical pain and fear that I might either have to put myself in thousands of dollars of medical debt or risk lifelong damage (or worse) from the blood loss.

I also found myself having groups of friends in a way I’ve never experienced before. I’m extremely introverted (even online, though less so than IRL), I have social anxiety, and the handful of times I have been “in” a group I was never really in it. I was always on the outskirts and usually just close to one or two people, max.

Regretfully, this set the stage for me to get caught up in the culture of rumors and speculation that permeates this fandom more than I think it has any other fandom I’ve been a part of.

Academically, I know about things like groupthink and tribalism, and I could see how those influenced the groups developing in the fandom, but I had no direct, personal experience with those phenomena. I think in conjunction with the other struggles I was dealing with, I ended up being incredibly susceptible to an us-versus-them mentality, which led me to feel justified in being unkind to people I knew had been unkind to my friends, even if deep down I knew what I was doing was antithetical to who I strive to be. 

I don’t share any of this for sympathy points or to smear anyone else or to avoid accountability–I still chose to act like an ass on a couple of occasions, and regardless of what I was going through, that was still inappropriate. I’m still responsible for my own behavior no matter what’s going on. 

But I do want to contextualize my fuck-ups for two reasons:

The first reason is ego-driven, full-stop. Not even gonna gloss it over. I can’t defend being an asshole nor do I want to, but I think it’s normal and healthy to look back on your mistakes and go, damn, why the hell was I acting like this? 

Even on my best days, I can be very stubborn and self-important and pedantic and judgemental, and I certainly can’t say that I’ve never inadvertently offended someone–Sometimes a joke might not land as I hoped. Sometimes I get tangled up in my own thoughts, burdened by an excess of nuance and details, and I express things poorly while I try to account for all sides of things. Sometimes I can get a little too opinionated about blorbo stuff. Sometimes there might just be a full communication breakdown or an insurmountable personality clash–But I can also confidently say that I have acted with good intentions in this fandom far, far more than I have with spite or because of petty rivalries.

And when I did get caught up in the drama and gossip and the wank? I was literally at the lowest point I’d been in a very, very long time. 

Again, because I feel like I can’t say this enough, that doesn’t make acting like a dick in a Discord server any more excusable, that doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt anyone, and that doesn’t mean that someone I hurt during that time has to forgive me or stick around for me to grow. Hurting someone because you’re hurting is still not okay. But I’m pretty sure every single one of us has had a bad day (or two or three or 365 or–) and made an isolated bad decision (or two or three or–) because of it–None of us deserve to be wholly defined by those moments or denied a chance to learn from those mistakes and be better.

And I think the most important takeaway for me personally is that I have learned from these mistakes and I have not repeated them. Some of these mistakes even helped me realize that I needed professional support for my mental health, and they played a role in my seeking medication and therapy last year. I still have a lot of work to do, but the silver lining to all of this is that I am in a much better place today than I was 2 years ago (even if this year also fucking sucks for non-fandom reasons and I would still very much like a goddamn break.)

The other reason I wanted to share my journey of navel-gazing and healing a wounded ego ~*self-discovery*~ is I think there’s a very good chance my story might sound familiar to others in the fandom. Maybe someone else can learn from my hardships and mistakes, too. Maybe you too were dealing with chronic fatigue or mental health issues or financial stress or isolation or all of the above and then some, and it led you to fixate on things that were harmful to you, to form unhealthy relationships with equally hurt people, and to act in a way that you know doesn't reflect who you are. The past several years have been so hard on so many of us, and I think we’ve all brought a lot of pain and misery into the community even if we weren’t trying to.

A somewhat shameful realization I had last year was I could recognize that kind of behavior in other people, but I completely missed it in myself. I could see how people were making this fandom their whole world and how it was so damaging to them, but I was doing the exact same thing and I just let it go completely unchecked because I thought I knew better. It was a brutal lesson in the pitfalls of pride. 

--------

So I was initially thinking at this point, I would take the time to address a few specific lies, rumors, and insinuations that have been said about me over the past couple of years. Because while I was a jerk in a couple of situations, most of the things said about me are exaggerations, if not outright fabrications.

And I did start writing a lot of that out, but as I was doing it, I was just overcome with a huge feeling of OH MY GOD I just don’t fucking care anymore. As one of my dear, long-time fandom friends has pointed out, there’s a great line about just this kind of thing from one of my favorite characters in one of my favorite games: “Why should it [bother me]? They don’t know me. I know me.”

I also really don’t want to run the risk of pulling anyone back into the fray (especially if they’re not even in the fandom anymore or if we’ve talked privately about certain issues) by even alluding to shit that happened years ago.

Instead, I would like to offer three of my big takeaways from the experience of being falsely accused of awful things:

You do not know nearly as much as you think you know about people’s fandom relationships. The one semi-specific thing I will mention is that I had been explicitly named a few times as being in cahoots with people I don’t think I ever even spoke to or that I had already drifted away from–Just because you saw two people existing in the same public space doesn’t mean they’re besties, bestie. Also, friends don’t always have to agree with each other, nor should we be expected to participate in a public spectacle of shaming if we do have a disagreement. People are allowed to resolve their differences privately.  

Not all conflicts/disagreements are inherently abusive or toxic. When you are hurting or dealing with unresolved trauma or starting to confront uncomfortable truths about yourself, the slightest disagreement can feel like a personal attack, but that doesn’t mean it is. Sometimes differences might be irreconcilable, but sometimes they might not be if you don’t automatically assume the worst of someone with a different perspective than you. Sometimes we just need to give the other person a little grace and the benefit of the doubt that they’re doing their best. And sometimes we might need to consider that it’s actually our own behavior driving the conflict and not the other person.

Even in situations when someone has clearly been unfairly targeted/victimized, that doesn’t mean they can’t also be a perpetrator of harassment/abuse to someone else. Victim and abuser are not mutually exclusive roles. I would wager a lot of us are familiar with the cyclical nature of abuse, and to quote a line from one of my favorite movies (admittedly a bit of a flippant line in the context of the film, but it still rings true): hurt people hurt people. Accountability for shitty behavior is never conditional, regardless of the pain we’re experiencing. 

--------

I titled this my final reflection, and I want to clarify what that means:

First of all, I’m not leaving this fandom (don’t everyone clap at once ha ha ha). I’ve been in various online fandoms since the early 00s, and while this has been one of the more challenging communities for me to navigate, it’s not enough to make me give up something I love this much. My blorbos are my perpetual muses, and I feel like virtual photography is the creative outlet I’ve been searching for my entire life. I love this game and hobby too much to stop creating and sharing.

I’m also not leaving Tumblr. While I’ve had this specific account since 2016, I’ve been here since 2010–Tumblr is not just this fandom for me. I have many friends (some I’ve known since my original account in 2010!) from other fandoms, and I’m not losing the best place to hang out with other people who are special to me just because one fandom got a little unpleasant. (I mean, look, I weathered the DA fandom here circa 2012-2015–This ain’t my first rodeo.) I also have a lot of hope for the Tumblr Communities feature, and I’m really hoping the VP community we’ve set up can continue to grow and flourish.

But I am no longer addressing any of this wank. If you have a problem with something I’ve done or said to you and you want to address it with me directly (preferably in a private space just so we don’t keep putting this shit on people’s dashboards), I am open to conversation and apologizing where needed.

Otherwise, this is the last time I’m talking about it anywhere. Tumblr, Twitter, Discord, publicly, privately–I’m done. I’m washing my hands of it. I don’t want to hear anything else about what other people have done or who they’re friends with or who they’re following or what they’re saying about me or my friends or any of it. This bullshit has taken up too much of my time and energy, and I have very important smutty shots to take. 

And I am probably going to continue to be less active in the fandom on Tumblr, at least for a while. You probably won’t see me here much until September at the earliest. This time away has been really good for me, and I think I need to continue with limited Tumblring and making the time I am here more structured. Plus, with some of my other fave video game series returning this fall, my blog will probably shift back to a more well-balanced multi-fandom space. 

I’m also going to need to diversify my dash a little bit more, which means I will likely end up unfollowing some mutuals, particularly if we don’t interact often, if you don’t tag, or if I see any mention of fandom drama–It’s nothing personal, but I know breaking mutualship can hurt a little, so if following me after that makes you uncomfortable in any way, please don’t feel like you have to stick around. I totally get it. Similarly, if it would make you uncomfortable for me to continue to interact with your posts after unfollowing (because I probably will if you post in certain tags), please feel free to block me. 

Okay. Christ, that was long. Shut the fuck up already, right? This is why I can't do social media with character limits. ghdfjgjhkfdgkfdg

Seriously, though, that's it. People are welcome to comment on this post if they want, but I really have nothing else to say about any of this so please don’t be offended if I don’t reply. I’m not ignoring you, I’m just… Well, done.

[indigowallbreaker]

For rare ships, how about Yuri X Claude with “I promise you, just trust me.” From the heart breaking prompts?

Last prompt of 2022! I think this is a good note to end the year on. Thank you all for your rare ships this year, and I’ll see you in 2023! <3

(Currently accepting rare ships! Click here for the info post!)

--

Claude couldn’t help but laugh at the look of absolute misery on Yuri’s face. “That’s no way to greet Pavel!” Claude laughed, patting his wyvern on the snout. Pavel gave an affectionate snort. His breath must have made it to Yuri, for Yuri’s nose wrinkled and he took a step back. This only made Claude laugh again.

The rest of the school was still at dinner, leaving Claude and Yuri alone in the wyvern section of the stables. Pavel was already saddled and ready to go. Yuri eyed said saddle dubiously. 

“The wager was that the loser had to do one thing for the winner,” Yuri stated in reference to their chess game yesterday. “If you’re about to give me a list of wyvern-themed chores, this is your chance to stop before you make a fool out of yourself.”

Claude took hold of Pavel’s reins. “Neither of those are my intention. Follow me.” He led both Pavel and Yuri into the yard. Pavel spread his wings happily, clawed feet crunching the leaves that had just begun to cover the ground. 

After checking the saddle a final time, Claude hopped onto Pavel’s back. He reached down for Yuri. “Come on up.”

Yuri’s eyes narrowed. “Why?”

“I want you to come flying with me. That’s my request.”

“Why?”

“Because you lost and you have to listen to me.”

Yuri looked up into the cloudless sky, then to Pavel -- who was staring at Yuri expectantly-- then back to Claude’s hand. “Don’t go throwing me off, yeah? I have people depending on me.”

Claude smirked. “I won’t, I promise you. Just trust me.”

“I don’t but I guess I have no choice.” Yuri took the hand and let Claude pull him into the saddle. Claude sat him in front, so his back pressed against Claude’s chest. Yuri didn’t seem bothered by this. Or if he was, he hid it better than Claude could perceive. 

With a kick to Pavel’s flank, they took off. Garreg Mach shrunk beneath them as they soared into the air. Pavel’s wings flapped faster, aiming for the sunset sky. Yuri tensed. In response, Claude wrapped an arm around his waist, one hand still secure on the reins.  

Eventually Pavel reached his zenith and began to glide steadily west with the breeze. The beating of his wings slowed, and Claude let go of the gradually relaxing Yuri.

Claude sucked in a deep, exaggerated breath. “Getting a good lungful?”

Quite the opposite, apparently. Yuri sighed and reclined into Claude. “I can’t figure your game here.”

“That’s because you’re overthinking it. Breathe.”

Yuri seemed to consider this command for a moment. Then he took Claude’s free hand and placed it over his stomach. Claude felt it rise and fall, almost in time with Pavel’s wings. “Good job,” Claude praised in Yuri’s ear.

Amusement tinted Yuri’s voice as he said, “Anytime you feel like elaborating would be appreciated.”

Cards on the table then. “I spent all night thinking over what to request.” Claude urged Pavel to turn south for a bit, not wanting to go far from the monastery. “I didn’t want to pick something humiliating or you’d never play chess with me again. Then I got to thinking about what would be useful for you, while still being fun for me.”

“And what part of flying is useful for me?” Yuri turned his head, lips brushing Claude’s jaw. 

“The flying’s for me. The fresh air is useful, maybe the view too.” He looked down at the warm reds, oranges, and yellows of the trees far below them; the faded green fields dotted with farmers; the deep blue rivers and ponds that would freeze over in a few months. Gripping Claude’s leg, Yuri leaned over as well. Claude let him take it in. 

After several minutes, Claude tugged Pavel’s reins and took them east. “You’re underground so much,” Claude continued. “You shouldn’t forget what the rest of the world is like.”

Wide lavender eyes took in the landscape. It was absolutely endearing. Without a second thought, Claude pressed a kiss to Yuri’s cheek. Those eyes snapped to Claude instead, and he was unable to hold in a laugh. “Sorry,” he said, not feeling sorry in the slightest.

Yuri smirked. “When we get back, we’re playing another game of chess,” he said.

“Does this mean you’ve had your fill up here?”

“Not yet.” Yuri turned around to lay back against Claude’s chest again, covering the hand Claude still kept over his middle. “Let me get a few more lungfuls. It’ll give me time to come up with a request for you.”

Claude snorted. “You haven’t won yet.”

“It’s good to plan ahead, friend.”

Instead of answering, Claude urged Pavel north. Yuri simply breathed, watched Fódlan unfold around them, and trusted Claude to guide them safely across the darkening skies. 

[dustedmagazine]

Ian Mathers’ 2022: Are you with me even now?

For the third year in a row, Low are part of my reflection on the year that just happened. But this time I don’t want them to be. They didn’t put out a record, I didn’t see them play live (virtually or not) even once. I don’t really want to spend a ton of time going over Mimi Parker’s death and the reactions to it (including my own); I can say this is the one time ever in my life that mourning an artist whose work I love felt anything at all like mourning someone I actually knew. For at least a month I thought about it all the time, read about it constantly, watched and listened to everything I could get my hands on, talked about it often. It felt ridiculous and necessary. I don’t know what happens with my favorite band now; I mainly just hope her family and other loved ones are doing as ok as possible. One wonderful and horrible thing about the reactions is that they were both more numerous and more heartfelt than I would have guessed; up until a few years ago running into other fans of their work felt a lot more rare. 30 years into what I personally think stacks up as one of the greatest creative runs in all of popular music (I’ve been ringing the bell about Low doing better, more vital and interesting work than other bands [x] years into their career since�� 2007’s The Great Destroyer at least), I’m glad that people were noticing what they did. The bittersweetness of that, that at least by the end Low were a lot more widely and deeply loved than I would have guessed... I hope she knew that too. How many artists have passed before they made their Double Negative and HEY WHAT? We can never really know the extent of what the world misses out on when someone dies.

Other than that horrible pall weighing down the end of the year, though, at least on the small scale 2022 was pretty good to me. The world in general continues to feel more and more fraught (here in Canada too!) and we’re still not properly dealing with a pandemic. With us being an immunocompromised household… when you see people talking about leaving behind the chronically ill, it absolutely includes those of us who, pre-COVID, nobody could tell weren’t “normal” or “healthy.” I did get to a very few shows this year, masked. But mostly this was a third year in a row of just… never going out or doing most of the things we used to do. Both my wife and I switched jobs to positions that are both much more satisfying and important to us and, not incidentally, quite a bit better paying. By the end of 2022 we’ve hit the first time in our adult lives where (despite how little it would take to knock us back down) we’re not experiencing constant financial stress.

I could have guessed this would change my relationship with music, but honestly, would have underestimated the degree to which that would be true. I’m happier with my writing this year, both frequency and end result, although there’s always more work to do on those fronts. And without feeling like I was trying very hard to do so, I somehow listened to 170 new LPs and EPs over the course of the year. And I found a lot to like, too: my 2022 playlist in Swinsian (which I tried out and then switched to when the Apple Music program started having weird glitches and hours of tech support couldn’t help at all) currently has a little over 1000 tracks in it, equaling over 3 days of music. There’s still a near-infinite amount of stuff out there I’ve never touched or even heard of. But more than ever, it feels like I covered my particularly bailiwick(s) as thoroughly as could be expected of someone who still has a day job and relatively normal life.

This increased volume of input doesn’t necessarily make me think 2022 was a better (or worse!) year for music than any other, but it does lead to a list of records that I feel more strongly about. There are plenty of good records I am keeping in full that just didn’t make it onto my list(s), especially since I’m sticking with a top 40 like I did in 2021. In years where I’ve ‘only’ managed to check out 80-90 records, even a top 20 often covers just about everything I’ve solidly enjoyed from the year. In 2022, 40 records isn’t even half of that group. It has made me reflect a bit on just how sustainable this all is — do I just keep accumulating dozens of records I love every year I’m here? How often am I going to go back to any of them? And sure enough, one thing all this new listening has done has drastically slowed progress on my now years-long effort to corral and organize my existing collection. But I do feel strongly enough about what I loved this year, both from existing favorites and acts totally new to me, that I’m probably just going to kick those cans a little further down the road. I’m also mulling over how, if at all, I want to change my listening in the new year, not least because one of the major ways I discover new things ended in 2022 (RIP, The Singles Jukebox).

As I’ve mentioned before in these roundups, I don’t necessarily feel like every year these days I have an “album of the year” (and am generally loathe to try and rank things). This year I can’t decide if I have one or two; Cloakroom’s Dissolution Wave was one of my most anticipated and ever since I first got the promo back in January, I’ve been listening to it very regularly. One of the things I like about music writing (at least the way I do it) is that it forces me to listen to records a lot more than I would even if I otherwise adore them, and at this point I have an almost Pavlovian joy reaction to the beginning of “Lost Meaning.” For a long time, it seemed like it stood alone for me, and I think it still does, but I need to give at least an honorable mention to Let’s Eat Grandma’s Two Ribbons. It didn’t have the immediate impact on me the Cloakroom did, even though that first half, especially, is immediately ingratiating. But over months I found myself going back to it more and more and in another year, I could easily see it having the unquestioned top spot. I’ve seen neither in most year-end stuff, which makes me a bit sad.

So here are the lists; my 40 favorite LPs, followed by 5 EPs, 5 reissues and/or compilations, 5 releases from Aidan Baker (which makes up not even half of the releases from his various projects!), and 20 ‘loose’ songs either from records I liked but who don’t make it into the main list, or where this song was really the only one I liked, or just ones that came out on their own. If all the little extra lists seem like cheating, well, they kind of are. But this was as narrowed down as I could get it. All of the lists are in alphabetical order, and for all but the songs list any links are to where I’ve written about them here at Dusted. For the songs, partly because so many of them do have music videos (and I love music videos), I’ve actually just provided a link to the song on YouTube should you be so moved. Last year I ended by saying I hoped we’d all continue to get better at taking care of ourselves and each other in 2022. On a micro level, I can say that did happen for us, and many of our loved ones. I hope as much as possible it did for you too, and we can all find the strength to keep at it in 2023.

40 LPs

Aarktica — We Will Find the Light

Alvvays — Blue Rev

Aoife O'Donovan — Age of Apathy

Beyoncé — RENAISSANCE

Billow Observatory — Stareside

Black Ox Orkestar — Everything Returns

The Body & OAA — Enemy of Love

Bruno Bavota & Chantal Acda — A Closer Distance

Carly Rae Jepsen — The Loneliest Time

Charli XCX — Crash

Chelsea Jade — Soft Spot

Cloakroom — Dissolution Wave

Earthless — Night Parade of One Hundred Demons

Eric Cheneaux — Say Laura

Esmerine — Everything Was Forever Until It Was No More

Ethel Cain — Preacher’s Daughter

Fujiya & Miyagi — Slight Variations

Hagop Tchaparian — Bolts

Hatchie — Giving the World Away

High Vis — Blending

Horsegirl — Versions of Modern Performance

Hot Chip — Freakout/Release

Jessica Moss — Galaxy Heart

Kali Malone — Living Torch

Let’s Eat Grandma — Two Ribbons

Locrian — New Catastrophism

Loop — Sonancy

loscil — The Sails p.1/p.2

Michael Beharie — Promise

Oneida — Success

Party Dozen — The Real Work

SASAMI — Squeeze

Spiritualized — Everything Was Beautiful

Szun Waves — Earth Patterns

Use Knife — The Shedding of Skin

Vince Staples — RAMONA PARK BROKE MY HEART

Water Damage — Repeater

Wet Leg — Wet Leg

Winged Wheel — No Island

Winter — What Kind of Blue Are You?

5 EPs

Gillian Stone — Spirit Photographs

Greet Death — New Low

Picastro — I’ve Never Met a Stranger

Sun’s Signature — Sun’s Signature

Trauma Ray — Transmissions

5 Reissues/Compilations

Broadcast — Maida Vale Sessions

Laddio Bolocko — '97​-​'99

Les Rallizes Dénudés —’77 LIVE

Prolapse — John Peel session 20.08.94/John Peel session 08.04.97

Wire — Not About to Die

5 Releases From Aidan Baker

Aidan Baker — The Evelyn Tables

Aidan Baker — Tenebrist

Baker Ja Lehtisalo — Crocodile Tears

Nadja — Labyrinthine

Nadja — Nalepa

20 More Songs

Animal Collective — “Prester John”

Boy Harsher ft Lucy - Cooper B. Handy — “Autonomy”

Caroline Polachek — “Billions”

Chappell Roan — “Casual”

Death Cab for Cutie — “I Won’t Give Up on You”

Diatom Deli — “False Alarm”

Duke Deuce ft GloRilla — “Just Say That”

Flume ft Caroline Polachek — “Sirens”

HAAi ft. Jon Hopkins — “Baby, We’re Ascending”

Ibibio Sound Machine — “Protection From Evil”

Miči & Sun-EL Musician — “Respond”

MUNA — “Anything But Me”

Porridge Radio — “Back to the Radio”

Spoon — “Wild”

Steve Lacy — “Bad Habit”

Storefront Church ft Phoebe Bridgers — “Words”

Stromae — “L’enfer”

Sudan Archives — “Selfish Soul”

Yeah Yeah Yeahs ft Perfume Genius — “Spitting Off the Edge of the World”

yeule — “Bites on My Neck”

Ian Mathers

[loveislarryislove]

2022 Writing Reflection

1. Number of stories posted to AO3: 18 (holy shit???)

2. Word count posted for the year: 107,382 (double holy shit?????)

3. Fandoms I wrote for: One Direction, Critical Role, Tamora Pierce, The Old Guard, Percy Jackson

4. Pairings: Larry, BeauJester, Immortal Husbands, Shiall, Solangelo

5. Story with the most…

Kudos: I Can Build Your Heart A Home

Bookmarks: I Can Build Your Heart A Home

Comments: Hash Brown, Egg Yolk, I Will Always Love You

Hits: Your Skin On Mine (I'm Losing Control)

6. Work I’m most proud of (and why): 

So I have two fics I want to shout out for this. First is Do You Think The Tides Know, which is a super personal concept to me and one I’ve been wanting to explore for a while. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever written before, and I’m not sure if I’ve ever read anything quite like it -- where from the beginning it’s clear that the main character won’t get the guy, where the endgame pairing doesn’t involve our POV character, where no matter what we’re rooting for we know it involves heartbreak. It’s complicated and it’s messy and it’s imperfect and it’s painful and I think that’s important, you know? That’s real. That’s life. And that’s okay. 

I’m also really proud of my Reverse Bang fic, they say looks can kill (and i might try), which just posted this week. I’ve always been intimidated by worldbuilding, but the art and prompt from @haztobegood were just... so vivid and interesting and exciting, and I could feel the world begging to be explored. I was initially afraid I wouldn’t be able to do it justice and realize the ideas the way I wanted, but I’m so glad I did it anyways. I don’t think I did a perfect job, there are still gaps that I’m aware of as the person who created them, but I also think that overall I did a damn good job! Go me!  

7. Work I’m least proud of (and why): 

I’m also going to mention two here. First is my Emelan fic for Troped: Chapters -- I had some fun with the concepts but I just wasn’t feeling the romance that was the center of the prompts, and I wasn’t sure how to make everything play out effectively. Second is my Camp Half-Blood AU for Astrofest -- I had a much bigger, grander, more complex idea mapped out based on all the different positive and negative meanings of the card, but I just bit off more than I could chew in terms of time and energy, so the fic I wrote instead was a much simpler spur-of-the-moment idea. It’s a fine story, I don’t dislike it, but it wasn’t what I’d wanted to write initially. Still, I’m glad it nudged me to start exploring that ‘verse -- I wrote a PJO fic a month or two later and I’d like to write more! I might also revisit the more complex idea someday, I still think that it would be a super cool story! 

8. Share or describe a favorite review you received: 

I received a ton of wonderful comments and tags, but I think some of my favourites were the appreciation for the check ins and conversations around kink in fics like it's always me that ends up getting wet. We love boundaries and consent!!! Having that level of trust with your partner is what most interests me about kink, so it felt really validating and rewarding to see that reflected and appreciated. 

9. A time when writing was really, really hard: 

Looking at my writing tracker, I only wrote like... 800 words in March, so I guess numerically you could say that was hard, since I didn’t do it. 

In the other direction, in August and September I published TEN fics (totaling about 46k words), so that was. a lot of writing. why did I do this. I’m so proud but also kind of concerned. 

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

Is it too unspecific to say “all of the smut”? Like wow, usually I don’t really write smut, but this year I was apparently VERY INSPIRED. And I kept writing such huge word counts in one go, wow. 

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

Oh man, it’s always hard to pick just one piece (especially without it getting ridiculously long), but let’s go with this snippet from Do You Think The Tides Know, as Zayn says goodbye to Louis at the end of the summer:

Zayn pulls Louis into a tight hug, trying to memorize the feeling of his body, the sound of his heartbeat, the smell of his hair.

“Don’t be a stranger, yeah?” he says, trying to keep the catch in his throat from showing in his voice. “I know we don’t usually talk that much outside the summer, but… you have my number, if you ever, like, have questions or just… if you ever need anything. Call me.”

Louis chuckles. “I know,” he says. “You’ve always got my back. Thanks, man. You’re a great friend.”

Zayn squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, then forces them back open. “Good,” he says, stepping back. “And… good luck.”

A bright smile dawns across Louis’ face. Zayn wishes it was for him, wishes he could make Louis look like that. But failing that, he hopes that the person who does make Louis smile like that – he hopes he never stops.

12. How did you grow as a writer this year:

This is kind of unspecific, but I think just... being more willing to try things that are unfamiliar and step outside of my usual comfort zone. That willingness feels like growth, and doing that creates growth. 

13. How do you hope to grow next year:

Part of me wants to say writing self-motivated fics, stories I tell just because I want to and without outside boxes I have to fit into or people holding me accountable. But maybe the real growth would be acknowledging that those outside influences and motivations are valid, and if they work for me, that’s not such a bad thing. 

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc): 

gotta be @alwaysxlarrie. I can always count on lauren to hype me up or help me brainstorm or get my creative gears turning or tell me if a sentence or moodboard looks weird or celebrate my accomplishments. and I love returning the favor! mutual brain furbies for life -- you the best! 

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: 

The “weird holiday traditions” in The Streetlights Are All Saying Your Name are both real traditions that my family had when I was growing up

I work in a pet store, and so for All Ewe Need Is Lamb, I used information and products and even photos from my work 

As I mentioned before, Do You Think The Tides Know is based on a really personal experience -- it’s not like 100% true to life, but the idea of dating someone while in love with someone else, and knowing that the relationship had an end date, but celebrating the happiness and fun and learning in the meantime -- that was real to me, and super meaningful. So grateful for everyone else who has connected to the fic as well!

And this is kind of the inverse and a slightly more spicy one, so look away if you don’t want to know, but. Writing for the @1dwatersportsficfest ultimately led to me telling my fiancée that I was into that. So. I guess that’s my writing showing up in my real life!

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: 

If you’re afraid of doing something because it feels out of your comfort zone or what you’re used to doing -- that’s where the growth is. Find people who encourage you to do it anyways, who make you feel excited to go there, who celebrate your achievements. It’s so much less scary with friends, and you’ll probably surprise yourself with how much you’re capable of.  

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: 

With the publication of my fic for the 1D Reverse Bang this week, I am officially finished all my current projects! Which isn’t to say I don’t have forgotten half-finished projects, but I don’t have anything I’m actively working on at the moment. It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time. What will I daydream about on the bus now???

I’m feeling called back to my Soft Established Relationship Vax’ilmore Fluff Series, so might write a couple of those next (then again, I said I’d do that last year, and that lasted about 8 days so. we’ll see). I’m also eyeing up some of the fests for this coming year (I need external motivation, it’s a problem) and @1dtourdeficfest @faithinthefutureficfest @1dastroficfest are all on my list of contenders.

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read:

I’m not sure who all has already done this so apologies if I’m tagging someone who has already done it (or already been tagged a billion times), but: @alwaysxlarrie @haztobegood @zanniscaramouche @andfollowthesun @larry-hiatus @panye @littleroverlouis @beckydoesthings @finelinegynandromorph @paranormalbabydoll @thebreadvansstuff

[mathcat7]

Morgana’s 2022 Year in Review

So, another year comes to a close. Lots of interesting developments, as always, and I like looking back and seeing what's changed and what I've succeeded with, and what I want to do over the next year.

The Successes

So for starters, I think the biggest boon has been me getting to spend shy of a month with my girlfriend over the course of the year. I love her so much, and I'm so glad we got to spend so much time together, and that we reached our first anniversary together.

Secondly, I closed the year off getting promoted to a full time position, a big step towards achieving self-sufficiency down the line. This was a big goal of mine for this year, and I'm very glad I was both able to achieve it, and that I've been able to use that for pushing forwards other things I enjoy.

The Surprises

This summer kicked off an FGC arc for me, where I used P4U2's rollback announcement and implementation to finally learn how to play fighting games. I didn't become impressive, by any means, but I had a lot of fun, and I was honestly satisfied with how quickly I was able to catch on. As a bonus, this also resurged my interest in making and editing videos, which eventually culminated in my clip compilation, A Very S'okay Persona.

Unfortunately, this was cut short by my going full-time, but I still cherish what I learned and how it's shaped my creative process going forward.

I commissioned quite a bunch of art pieces this year. Most of them were Fire Emblem fanart, especially for beloved best girl Mozu, but I also some original pieces for my recently designed online persona. Writing design docs for sending to commission artists was a nice process for clearing the rust from some of my writing skills, especially where descriptions are concerned.

My transition is still going smoothly. Medicine-wise I switched to needle monotherapy earlier this year and it's been generally better for me, at least from my perspective. (A lot less awkward planning to take pills around mealtime, a lot less in the way of unwanted side effects.) I got really into my voice training, to the point where I was consistently passing over phone calls!

I’ve been bouncing around a few of the modding sub-communities and ended up becoming a server blorbo. Okay I jest, but in all seriousness I’m glad I’ve been able to make some new friends online without it being predicated upon someone else’s preexisting dynamics. I’m glad to not be a friend of a friend this time! (Now if only that could extend to irl)

Of course, it's not all sunny. I've still been struggling with the transition not being properly acknowledged by the family, with those feelings being further exacerbated by attempts of doing an official coming out seemingly falling on deaf ears. I still have hangups about this iust becoming my cross to bear, but it's clear that there isn't much else I can do/say at this point. It sucks, but it's whatever, and at least now I can put my energy elsewhere.

The Plans

As for my goals for 2023, I'm still sticking to not making full on resolutions and instead keeping on general directions I want to work towards, as such:

- I wanna continue making videos. Maybe not FGC related, but I do wanna pivot my focus back to FE. I like Excelblem's format of video style, but I'm not someone with challenge run smarts. I think I'd rather do summations that would appeal more to casual players, and talk about the little parts of the games that I love. I'm hoping that Engage's release in 3 weeks is a good catalyst for this idea, although I'll have an uphill battle with my job.

- I want to devote more time to writing Royals of the Tempest. My writer's block has finally broken again, and I want to use the time I'm not actively working (or making videos) towards trying to get as much done with RotT as possible. There's a lot to get done, so I'm unsure if a manuscript would be ready in one year, but I'm hopeful about having most of it done down the line.

- I don't think moving out is something that'll happen soon, especially since I'm waiting on my girlfriend to finish up college, so my hope is to keep building up my nest egg so when that time comes, we can be prepared. I know I'm not in the best living space mentally speaking, but I think I can bide my time until then.

- Of course, I will make an exception towards commissions. I love commissioning art, and I do want to keep that up. I'm hoping to get to do some bigger ideas this time around, especially now that I have better integrated myself with some artist schedules.

- And lastly, I want to be bolder about myself. I've joked with some of my friends about the start of the slut arc, and while I'm not so inclined to cross the en-ess-eff-double-u line just yet, I am feeling more and more confident that I could try doing saucier stuff, or at the very least stop tip-toeing around stuff I've been holding back on. What that looks like remains to be seen, but I will let my friends now when and if that happens.

So, that’s all I had to ponder on. Hope you all have a wonderful 2023 and I hope to see you all again.

(Enjoy this pic of me trying to clear out the twists in my hair lmaoooooo)

[firstdegreefangirl]

June 2023 Reading Wrap-Up!

Halfway through the year, and I'm excited to report that I'm either on track or ahead of all my reading goals for 2023! I've just got to focus more on reading books I already have, instead of buying new ones. Should be easy enough, right? ;-)

As always, stats up here, mini reviews under the cut. Click through to see what had me swearing at my empty living room at 1:30 a.m.

Total books read: 7 

Total pages read: 1,816 

Days read: 23/30 

Average star rating: 4.33/5 

Challenge Prompts Filled: 13 in June; 66 total. Popsugar: 6(23)/40.   Romanceopoly: 3 (18)/36. CRAD: 1(6)/12. BTBL: 3(19)/52 

Happy Singles Day by Ann Marie Walker 

⭐⭐⭐⭐(¼) 

This was cute! I picked it up on a whim, when I found myself with some free time at the big library branch across town, because I liked the idea of a romance novel celebrating singlehood. I liked watching the MC figure out who she is outside of her job, and her love interest was such a compelling dude. Between his daughter and his sister, and his bed and breakfast, he really made the story for me. It wasn’t quite grumpy/sunshine, because Lucas opens up as things progress, but something about his reluctance to even be invovled in the story at all really entertained me. The only thing I’d say really bugged me was the dog. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. Like, so much. But the cover has a picture of a little terrier shaped pup, and then the text describes the dog as a “pit bull/boxer mix,” and it drove me nuts every step of the way. A little detail, maybe, but the discrepancy really threw me off. 

Prompts filled: Popsugar – A book about a vacation 

Summer on Blackberry Beach by Belle Calhoune 

⭐⭐⭐(¾) 

What a fun little summer read! I’ll admit, I was expecting there to be some sort of Christmassy detail, given that the town is called Mistletoe, but once I got past that, this was so delightful! I grabbed it from a book thrift store while my friend was in town visiting, after the teacher/Navy SEAL fake dating plot caught both of our attentions. I liked watching the characters learn how to move past their respective losses, and that they communicated really effectively through much of the story. Too many times, the plotline falls apart if the characters would just have like one mature conversation, so I really enjoyed that they did that here and the story held up. It was refreshing to watch these characters grow together and find the futures they didn’t think they deserved. 

Prompts filled: Popsugar – About a holiday that’s not Christmas; Romanceopoly – Soldier Street/One of the MCs are in the military 

Biting Through The Skin: An Indian Kitchen In America’s Heartland by Nina Mukerjee Furstenau 

⭐⭐⭐⭐ 

I’ve had this on my shelf for … probably two years now? At least a year and a half; I’m pretty sure I bought it at the library fall book sale on Fill A Bag day. Food as a vessel for culture has always interested me, and the idea of a memoir pairing Indian food with Midwest culture (where I’ve lived my entire life) was particularly fascinating. Turns out the author spent most of her childhood like three hours from where I grew up/live, in the same small town where one of my friends is from! Every chapter includes stories about the Indian foods that flavor her memories, and the recipes are at the ends of the chapters. I haven’t cooked any of them yet, but maybe someday! The essays were heartfelt and compelling, like I could feel myself in the kitchen right alongside the author and her family, with the warm, hearty spices and sentimental stories.  

Popsugar – favorite prompt from past challenge (2022 – a book with a recipe in it); BTBL – Epistolary/unusual writing style (recipes) 

Darcy by RJ Scott, Meredith Russell 

⭐⭐⭐⭐ 

At some point, I got this for free on my Kindle, and it got the callup this month for being something short enough that I could read it in a couple of days, but compelling enough to hold my attention (also, for having a five-letter title!). I’m admittedly a sucker for fake dating-turned-romance, but usually the “dating” couple is the endgame, so it was interesting to read a story that turned the trope on its head. Darcy and Adrian had such an instant attraction, but more than just sexually. I loved seeing them open up to each other, and how supportive Darcy was through the whole story, of both Adrian and his sister, and especially at the ending. I’m definitely planning to pick up the rest of the series at some point.  

BTBL – less than 170 pages; CRAD – half as many letters as May; Popsugar – Forbidden Romance; Romanceopoly – Passion Place/slow burn or instant heat contemporary romance 

The Water Baby by Roz Denney Fox 

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 

Finally, I got back around to reading this for the first time in … 15 years or so? I don’t remember exactly when I read it for the first time, but I do remember picking it up from my mom’s book stack when I was probably too young for Harlequin romance novels. I liked it then, and saved it from a garage sale pile a few years later. It’s well-loved and rough around the edges, but the best books always are. Luckily, it’s just as good now as it was years ago, and absolutely worth the shelf space for all this time. 

Prompts filled: BTBL – released at least 23 years ago; Popsugar – Set in the decade you were born 

Egghead: or, you can’t survive on ideas alone by Bo Burnham 

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 

I don’t have much to say about this one that I haven’t said before. I love poetry, I love Bo Burnham, and some of my favorite poems ever are in this book (look at you, The Letter!). This particular reread was just shy of an hour, sitting on the floor of my denbrary, looking for something to spark inspiration for an upcoming writing project I'm trying to plan. I’m not sure yet, but I think I figured it out, at that! 

Prompts filled: None 

The Last Flight by Julie Clark 

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 

Fuck this book. Five stars. I’m writing this right about an hour after I finished devouring the book in three days. Mostly two days – the first day I only had time to read like the first chapter. Usually, I’m not one for thrillers, but this caught my eye at the same thrift store as Blackberry Beach up above. Once I realized it’s a signed copy, and was only three dollars, I basically had to give it a try. And holy HELL, am I glad I did! I was sucked in from the first few pages, absolutely enthralled right down to the end. In fact, on page 142, I actively shouted “what the fuuuuuuck?!?” out loud to my empty apartment. It’s that sort of a book. I had a loose suspicion of how it would end, but there were a lot of things I didn’t see coming. I’d KILL to see this one as a movie, and I’m absolutely going to read the author’s other thrillers. Sometimes, there’s a benefit to stepping outside my wheelhouse, because I have a feeling this is going to be a top 10 for 2023.  

Prompts filled: Popsugar – A book about divorce; Romanceopoly – Killer Crescent/a thriller of your choice 

[skeletonfarmer]

I know tumblr is not the best place for relationship advice but pls lol

Also fair warning this is a long post and TW for mention of suicide

Some backstory: my boyfriend (21) and I (22) have been together for two and a half years. I struggle with severe depression and occasional psychotic symptoms (mood swings, hallucinations, irrational thoughts, etc). I was also diagnosed with cancer in January 2022. I recently had to quit my full time job due to mental and physical health reasons, so he is the only one working right now.

So for the past several months, but especially the past few weeks or so my boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot and I’m not sure what to do or if it’s healthy.

There’s always an array of things the arguments are about but usually they can be boiled down to one of us not feeling appreciated/not feeling loved/feeling like we’re being taken advantage of.

Our most recent argument started yesterday afternoon. A mutual friend of ours surprised me yesterday late morning and helped me clean our apartment almost the whole day, it was like 4-5 hours, with a break for lunch of course. Later on she had asked me if my bf and I could babysit because her fiance had gotten tickets to a baseball game and she wanted to go, but she didn’t wanna ask her mom to babysit since she had been watching her all day. I agreed but let her know that it would probably just be me.

Later when we were on the way back to her apartment my boyfriend had gotten off work and gone home. He called me and was immediately rude as I answered the phone, and he complained about how when we were cleaning/organizing, we moved some of his stuff to where he didn’t like it. He was mainly upset that we moved his (large amount) of alcohol bottles to a separate shelf rather than it taking up 1/3 of our already limited counter space. I told him that if he didn’t like where we put the stuff then he should help me clean on the weekends so he could decide where it goes himself. He got really upset and said that since he works and I don’t, it’s my job to clean and he doesn’t have to clean since he works, and that I should know it’s rude to “throw his stuff on a shelf in the corner”

Our friend hears him and when she sees him she goes off on him for awhile about how you talk to someone you love that way, and I didn’t hear much of what was said but what I did hear it sounded like he mainly put blame on me and put me down to try and justify his words and actions.

We argued about it on and off for the rest of the night but I thought by the time we went to bed we were fine.

When we woke up this morning within 30 minutes he was mad again, this time about how we don’t have enough money for groceries this week, bills, or gas for him to get to work. The way he said it made it feel like he was blaming me for not being able to work, so I felt guilty and asked my mom for $30 to help with groceries. He also somehow got a refund for our dinner we had last night, so that was $25-30 back.

After we go grocery shopping I have to go make a return at Big Lots, and when we’re walking out he insists on going into the liquor store next door. I say okay but let him know he shouldn’t get anything since we don’t really have money to pay our bills. Well after 20 minutes in there he buys a bottle of liquor, not sure what or how much but most of the stuff he was looking at was $30-45.

I get visibly upset and when he asks I tell him that it’s irresponsible for him to have an attitude with me and get mad about not having enough money for bills and food, to where I have to ask family for money, but then he goes and buys alcohol. This causes another fight and he goes off on me about how he’s “tired of me bitching at him” and that I won’t let him have fun, I have a problem with everything he does, etc.

A couple of months ago he had mentioned that I need to be more appreciative of him because not many people would have stayed with me through my cancer treatments and my psychiatric hospital stay for a suicide attempt. I haven’t brought this up to him since he said it but I think about it often.

I know I am definitely not perfect and I know I can get an attitude pretty easily sometimes, but I feel like he doesn’t give me as much credit as I deserve. My mental health makes it extremely difficult for me to regularly keep up with house chores, and I always let him know when I’m having a particularly bad day and not much will get done. At the time he says it’s okay but he always holds it over my head the next time we have a confrontation. I really do love him but I am also so tired of feeling like I’m just a maid that’s shitty at her job. I don’t know how to go about fixing this or if there is any way to even do so.

[callunavulgari]

Year-in-life | 2022

Or that annual New Year’s meme where I talk about what the year was like to live through. 2022 features: wedding planning stress, 3 (?!) different vacations, and probably a little too much backsliding.

1. What did you do in 2022 that you’d never done before? Attempted to plan a wedding! Saw four out of five of the Great Lakes (RIP Lake Ontario)! Saw New York City! Went to Florida! Rode the subway! Had engagement pictures done! Went on a ten mile hike (and didn’t die)! Saw Florence freaking Welch in person!! Got a tattoo in a different state!

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? My resolutions for 2022 were to lose weight, get healthier, expand on the outlines I produced, and be happy. I have failed at... almost all of these things. There has been some happiness, though, I am happy to report.

Resolutions for 2023 - you know what, since next year is the wedding, let’s not jinx it and just have the goal of being happy.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes! One of my bridesmaids had the sweetest little girl a little over a month ago.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Not this year. 

5. What countries did you visit? Alternatively, what is your favorite place that you did go this year? Alas, no countries. We did go on three (?!) trips this year though: a surprise trip to Florida in April because Nick’s grandmother wanted us to visit their condo which I’d never seen, our planned trip backpacking around Mackinac Island and Michigan’s upper peninsula, and a surprise trip to NYC at the beginning of this month. Of the three trips, the Michigan trip was definitely my favorite. 

We stayed in Mackinac Island for a few days and hiked around, ate some fudge, smelled some horse piss, then we went up to Munising to hike at Pictured Rocks, stopping in at a couple different waterfalls along the way. From there we ended up in Traverse City, then Frankenmuth on the way back. And then! A week later! We were back in Michigan to see Florence Welch and concert. Divine experience, 10 out of 10, would simp again.

6. What would you like to have in 2023 that you lacked in 2022? Hm, in 2021 my answer to this question was “a marriage” which did get delayed, but is at the very least on track. I... think my answer is going to be the same this year? I would like to have a husband this time next year.

7. What date from 2022 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I... honestly don’t think that any of them stand out. It was a very in-between sort of year. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I survived. It was a hard year. Not all of it, granted, and it was better than 2021, and leagues better than 2022, but. Still hard. I’m still tired. I desperately want to quit my job. I didn’t have any medical procedure done this year, which is the first year I haven’t had some kind of surgery since 2017-2018.

9. What was your biggest failure? Technically not keeping the weight off was the biggest failure, but I’m not holding it against myself. 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Not... yet? I have like a week left, so hopefully that holds true.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Hm, most of my money this year went to tattoos. I may have gone slightly overboard. I am slowing down. But I do love them so! 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My own, always. But also, Nick’s. He has been just... the absolute best person these last two years. It’s been so hard, but he has helped so much. 13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I don’t know. I’m close to not inviting my mother to my wedding, so her, I guess.

14. Where did most of your money go? Tattoooooooos. God, way too much money. Like on one hand, yes, I am making up for not having any spending money to give myself the things I wanted in my twenties, but on the other hand... holy shit, I have spent too much money on tattoos. 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Tattoos. The Florence concert. The Michigan trip. The new God of War and Horizon games.

16. What song will always remind you of 2022? To Be Human. Foundations of Decay. The Encanto soundtrack. Florence’s Dance Fever, but King in particular. The Spiritfarer and Hollow Knight soundtracks. This Is a Life. 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Technically speaking, compared to this exact time last year, I am sadder. But this year I have been happier. ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter. iii. richer or poorer? Eh, maybe a little richer? I’m not obscenely broke and I remember being obscenely broke until like February last year. 18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish I’d done better. With my mental health, mostly? I spent a whole lot of this year suffering from some really intense anxiety. Been having a lot of heart palpitations, which are either from the anxiety or lingering covid issues (or both.) I just wish that I’d taken better care of myself, and hope that I’ve taken care of myself better next year.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Moping? Grieving? Hiding in my apartment?

20. How will you be spending Christmas? For Christmas Eve tomorrow we are probably going to stay in, play some games, maybe watch a Christmas movie or two, and then make pirozki. For Christmas Day the plan is to drive to Nick’s aunt’s house and have Christmas with his family, but with windchill it is -30 outside, so we’ll see.

21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? Honestly? I’m not sure. We’ve been invited to a warehouse party of all things, but we are old and set in our ways, so there is a very high chance that we will just stay in. 22. Did you fall in love in 2022? I’m marrying him next year!!!! 23. Best month for you this year? End of August/early September was amazing, mostly because of the trip. <This was my answer last year, but it still holds true. 

24. What was your favorite TV program? Of just 2022? Hm, Station Eleven, Our Flag Means Death, What We Do In the Shadows, Stranger Things s4, Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, Paper Girls, The Sandman, House of the Dragon, Rings of Power, and Love Between Fairy and Devil were my top shows this year. I think my absolute favorite was probably The Sandman, with Our Flag Means Death as the runner up.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don’t think I have enough energy for hate at this point. I’m just tired.

26. What was the best book you read? Absolute favorite was A Prayer for the Crown-Shy by Becky Chambers. After that, probably Nona the Ninth, The Golden Enclaves, A Priory of the Orange Tree, Nettle and Bone, and Summer Sons, likely in abouts that order.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? MCR. released. a. new. single. MCR RELEASED A NEW SINGLE!!!!! 

28. What did you want and got? Um. A lot of tattoos. To put this into perspective... since last September I have gotten eight. It is, in fact, a problem. I am here on out restricting myself to only one a year, maybe two if the second one is something small.

29. What did you want but didn’t get? I do still wish that Mal were here. 

30. What was your favorite film of this year? I actually didn’t watch a lot of new movies this year. I rewatched various Lord of the Rings movies about five times this year, but so few new ones. I think maybe Wendell and Wild.

ETA: What the flying fuck am I THINKING, I watched Everything Everywhere All At Once this year, which is my favorite film this fucking DECADE. Watch it, if you haven’t yet.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I actually had a fairly horrible day. I had to work for the first time in four+ years and I was covering for a co-worker so it was very busy and very stressful. Nick didn’t get me a gift which I? Shouldn’t be upset about? But I kind of am. And then his company Christmas party was scheduled on my birthday at a restaurant that I hated, which COULD have been awful, but actually ended up saving the day because I got to geek out with one of his coworkers about books. 

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Mal. Still. 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2022? I mean... comfy? I started a hybrid work from home schedule so I actually wear my pajamas more than ever now. Considering upgrading to some really good ones since I’m in them so often. I bought a REALLY gorgeous warm red lipstick though, and bought this really pretty white dress, and EARRINGS that are SWORDS. So. That’s cool. 34. What kept you sane? Nick, usually. Rigby has been a huge help too. 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I don’t know. I’m rewatching Fellowship though and spoilers, I’m still hot for Cate Blanchett. Oh oh oh! Gwendoline Christie! She is just. So much. Gorgeous. Intimidating. 10 out of 10, would call her mommy. Also, seeing Florence live was a magical experience and did awake something in me. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? I have had “fuck Donald Trump” as the answer to this question since 2015. And for the first time in half a decade… it’s not him. It’s all the problems he left behind. So I guess it is still at least a LITTLe bit “FUCK DONALD TRUMP IN THE EAR 20156789 2022″

37. Who did you miss? Mal. Also? My dad?  38. Who was the best new person you met? I mean, she’s not really NEW but I got to know one of Nick’s coworkers better. She’s SO nice and really cool and I want to be her friend. I actually got her number this time though, so hopefully we’ll actually hang out.

39. Talk about a new friend that you made this year: I mean, I’d like to say the ice is broken enough to consider her a friend, but we’ll see. 

40. Post a picture from the beginning of the year: From February, I don’t think I have anything earlier, Please ignore the silly pose, lol, I was going out that night and if I remember right, already pre-gaming a little.

41. Post a picture from the end of the year From December 15th - we’re experimenting with red glosses for the wedding to brighten up my natural color and this was the result. My hair is so long!

42. A memorable meal discovered this year? Definitely the meal we had in Little Italy! I had a passionfruit martini that was literally the best drink I’d had in my life, then veal parmigiana, and the best tiramisu I’ve had since I was in Italy.

43. What was your favorite memory this year? I actually think it might have been the Florence concert. Every vacation was obviously good in different ways, but seeing her in concert made me realize why people DO concerts. I’d never really understood before.

44. What are you excited for next year? Wedding! Also nervous about it! But also excited! It makes me want to puke!

45. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2022: My valuable life lesson in the year of 2020 was: Life sucks. Keep your head on straight. Mourn your dead and love your living like you’ll never see them again. Live life like you could die tomorrow. And don’t take the little things for granted.

And you know what, I’m going to keep that. I think it’s a good reminder.

46. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: to be human, i want direction i wanna feel human again - To Be Human, Marina

2018 me apparently quoted Singing in the Rain. 2019 quoted something sad and pretentious. 2020 me quoted This Year, because she was a dramatic bitch and hurting. 2021 me quoted an assurance that I wasn’t broken.

2022 me is just tired. Tired of being strong. I want to feel normal again.

[heartkyeom]

putting my results under a read more so it doesn't clog the dash but thanks for supporting me this year y'all! <3 (also took some things out so people aren't tagged hehe)

I posted 1,093 times in 2022

That's 1,093 more posts than 2021!

418 posts created (38%)

675 posts reblogged (62%)

I tagged 965 of my posts in 2022

Only 12% of my posts had no tags

#seokmin - 119 posts

#seungcheol - 115 posts

#soonyoung - 71 posts

#mingyu - 62 posts

#wonwoo - 52 posts

#jeonghan - 41 posts

#heartkyeom - 39 posts

#vernon - 37 posts

#joshua - 36 posts

#minghao - 31 posts

Longest Tag: 103 characters

#if you think you’re above wearing a mask so svt can stay safe you have build a bear stuffing for brains

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

everyone loves you but i think you're so obnoxious au

kwon soonyoung x fem!reader

warnings: smut, angst, slight description of female anatomy; enemies to lovers

notes: AHHH this is the au I've thought about for the longest time and it's finally done!! I wanna hear all your thoughts about bratty hoshi <33 pls enjoy!

soonyoung is a famous soloist who is beloved by the korean public and most of his staff too... except the stylists

he’s run off 12 different stylists at this point and it frustrates his team so much

why is it the stylists and no one else??? no one knew but you got hired as a last resort, as you were known for working with notoriously difficult celebrities

those celebrities were famous but soonyoung is FAMOUS famous, definitely the most notable celebrity you’ve worked with but it didn’t intimidate you

you were used to bratty celebs and them acting out, so it couldn’t be that bad? right?

wrong. he made you do the most tedious shit like making you go through 100 fabric swatches for him to possibly approve for his tour costumes only for him to like none of them, creating a shit ton of revisions for his costumes only for him to prefer an older version of it

just subtle ways to keep you working on meaningless shit

he fought you on so many small things and for what reason? none except to make you upset and get under your skin

he probably enjoyed seeing his stylists stressed and crying but you wouldn’t let him see you break, you weren’t some crazed fan- you were there to work

soonyoung knew you probably hated him and he expected to hate you too

after dealing with so many stylists who were clearly only there to get clout and not do their job, it was hard to think of you as an exception, at least at first

the first month he treated you quite terribly, even by his standards. once you stayed past the first month, he knew you were quite different- he decided to see how much you could handle

he notices that you don’t buckle under pressure and adapts to that, starts calling you byeollie (별이/star) instead of your name since he spotted a childhood photo of you in your office with star printed pajamas on- he teased you relentlessly after this

you think about quitting but the money is consistent and it’s so much better than what you’ve made before, you were known in korea and could keep a roof over your head

but the industry was still so fickle that you were only needed as a stylist for idol comebacks and assorted projects- not a full time position anywhere

so you had to stay. plus you’ve been trying to pay some debt off and this was getting it done much faster than before

even though soonyoung was insufferable, you wanted to style him in a way that made him feel seen and understood as an artist

even if he was a pain in the ass, his style clearly meant a lot to him

you always watched old videos of clients to see their style evolution and study where their styling had ended up by the time you started working with them

his personality was so sweet and you could see that in the way he interacted with his fans, you didn’t ever see this side of him so it was a bit shocking

he seemed very confident around his peers but ultimately he was shy, he just knew how to hide it through his work

a part of you knew he was never gonna show you this side of him, but he was genuinely a charitable man who wanted to help others and connect to them through music

yet there was clearly a wall up with him, so you kept yours up too

soonyoung saw the care you put into your work, he just didn’t know how to express any feelings about it. it felt like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for you to betray him in some way but it never happened. you were always going above and beyond for him

there was a casual intimacy in the way you remembered what fabrics made him uncomfortable, how you picked up on the styles he liked and put them aside for him without him even asking for it

the notes you left with his costumes were always detailed and you were committed to making things right despite how much trouble he gave you

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661 notes - Posted February 4, 2022

#4

now or never pt. 1

xu minghao x fem!reader

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 (finale)

word count: 7k

synopsis: when you make a chance encounter with your ex, you end up saying that you're engaged to your estranged neighbor xu minghao. when you find out your ex is coming to your friend's wedding, you've only got a month to become a convincing couple.

warnings: (almost) strangers to lovers, fake marriage, shitty ex!joshua, scenes with enclosed spaces (only in this part), angst, a tiny bit of fluff.

notes: hi omg! my first series!!! i repurposed this first part from something I was writing for another fandom forever ago and it inspired me to make it into a series! hope you enjoy it!! tag list: @venusdaisies @mangogyu @idyllic-ghost

You didn’t want to admit that you were having a terrible day, but it was getting ridiculous at this point.

You managed to almost miss the train, get stuck on said train for an hour, and break a heel the moment you arrived at work. Luckily, you had a pair of tennis shoes on standby at your desk, but that pair of heels happened to be one of your favorites. You silently mourned your shoes and questioned your will to live throughout the day, praying that your luck would turn around. 

However, that wouldn’t happen. 

When you were sure the day couldn’t get any worse, you somehow lost your train card on the way home. Of course, you didn’t notice until you stepped into the station. You internally cursed yourself for fucking things up once again today, but you had to focus. You didn’t want to give up any more money for a new card, so you begrudgingly made the 40 minute walk back to your apartment.

Naturally, you weren’t expecting any more obstacles. You wanted the universe to spare you so badly and your body was spent from all the mishaps you handled throughout the day. You felt as if your body was floating as you walked into the apartment building, closing your eyes the moment you stepped onto the elevator. The ride to the 5th floor wasn’t nearly long enough, and the chime signaling your destination jolted you awake. You were almost at your apartment door when you heard a voice call your name.

“Y/N? Is that you?” The man’s voice called out excitedly, convinced that he knew you despite your back being turned. 

You slowly turned around, your eyes widening at the sight of the man in front of you. It was your ex-boyfriend, looking almost exactly the same as when you two dated. With the exception of a different hair color, his presence brought you back to the tumultuous points of their relationship. 

“Joshua! Hi! Yeah, it’s me,” You clutched your tote bag tightly out of instinct. Of course you see your ex when you looked and felt like shit. 

He still looked like the human embodiment of a golden retriever and now he had sandy blonde hair to match. It was actually unfair that he looked so well adjusted, so normal after all this time. He was just so happy and it lit a fire in the pit of your stomach.

You watched his eyes scan your body up and down, taking in the sight before him. “It’s crazy, I haven’t seen you since everything happened.”

“Yeah, since you cheated on me,” you responded with a sly grin. There was no reason to pretend with each other, especially since things ended so abruptly. You had spent too much time crying over him to not enjoy this moment.

“Yep,” Joshua replied quietly, clearly not prepared to be confronted with his past behaviors. 

“So I assume you’re still with her, then?” you asked.

“Yes, we actually moved into the building a few months ago,” Joshua softly smiled, seemingly trying to cut the tension between you two.

“That’s great,” You mustered the smallest bit of compassion for him, trying not to let your resentment rise to the surface. His new girlfriend was pretty enough, and it didn’t surprise you that Joshua had moved on to someone who eerily looked like you. If you had learned anything from that disaster of a relationship, it was that he definitely had a type. 

“How have things been for you?” Joshua asked, giving you almost no time to make a plan to respond. 

Would you tell Joshua the truth about your life? How you had been single ever since the breakup and hadn’t been able to quit your dead end job? Absolutely not. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you spotted your neighbor Minghao. You didn’t want to resort to anything crazy, but the situation required it. If you were going to lie, you would have to go all in. 

“I’m with Minghao,” you said it loud enough to catch the man’s attention. He stopped next to you, the confusion evident on his face. 

“What?” Minghao took out his headphones, staring at you as if you had two heads. 

“We’ve been together for a few years, actually,” you looked at him with a mix of desperation and kindness, silently hoping Minghao would play along for a few minutes.

He seemed to catch on pretty quickly, leaning on your shoulder and smiling fondly at you. Despite the minimal amount of contact you had with Minghao in the past, he was quick on his feet. 

“That’s great! Are you getting married?” Joshua pointed to Minghao’s silver band on his ring finger. He smirked at you, clearly interested in how you would dig yourself out of this.

See the full post

918 notes - Posted April 29, 2022

#3

1:02 am

kim mingyu x gn!reader

word count: 1k

warnings: alcohol, slightly stupid drunk antics, fluff

notes: did I just sit here and write an entire 1k word piece based off the pics mingyu just posted on instagram? yes. yes I did. and it’s cute as shit! not proofread at all sorry about it

tag list: @bfwonu @thetigeragenda @lavenderautumnx @husbandhoshi @soffrine @sapphichui @dokyeomblr @mangogyu

dinner dates with mingyu were always lovely, especially after a long work week. over big bowls of pork noodle soup, you both talk about the highs and lows of your week.

yet, this time, mingyu didn’t have anything to do the next day, so you both indulged in too many bottles of soju. by the time you were done with dinner, you were both a little too far gone to appear composed.

it didn’t help that it was pouring rain for most of your time in the restaurant, so you had both prolonged leaving for as long as possible.

“shit, is it still raining?” mingyu turns his head to look out the window, squinting his eyes a little too hard. it wasn’t hard to see the rain droplets stuck to the window, but everything he does while drunk is somehow more endearing than he already is.

you glance to see for yourself, but the rain seems to have stopped. “no, I think we’re good,” you exclaim. he gives you a slightly more exaggerated nod than usual and stands up from the table easily.

thankfully, you both organized your bowls and bottles before paying, so you didn’t feel too guilty standing up from the table and nearly stumbling. mingyu rushes to your side, catching your waist and helping you to the door.

“please don’t fall, we can’t bring more attention to ourselves,” he whispers not so quietly into your ear and it leaves you laughing a little bit too hard as he pushes the door open with his free arm.

you knew the elderly patrons were already staring at you before you left, but you couldn’t be too concerned.

you both make it outside and the smell of fresh rain hits your nose immediately. the large trees that lined your path back home were dripping, and you hoped the wind wouldn’t blow any of it on you.

you both walked a considerable amount before you realized mingyu was still clutching onto your waist, but his weight started to crush you.

his chest was exposed, so you took the chance to hit his skin with your hand to grab his attention. he freed his arm to clutch his chest in fake pain.

“you hit me!” he gaped at you, suddenly stopping in his tracks to face you.

“your grip was so tight that you were gonna break my waist in half!“ you exclaim, breaking into laughter before you could finish the sentence.

you keep walking without him by your side, you don’t wait for him to catch up and you start to think something is wrong before you turn around.

you see him take off running toward you with a devilish grin on his face. you scream in fake surprise and sprint away from him, you can hear the heaviness of his footsteps behind you but you’re convinced that you can outrun him.

you almost think you’re in the clear until you hear him right behind you.

“I’ve got you,” he snatches you up with a low growl, his arms are tightly wrapped around your middle while spinning you in a circle.

you’re only scared for a brief moment when your feet lift off the ground, but you screw your eyes shut to stop yourself from getting too dizzy.

“kim mingyu!” you scream his name over and over, each with a bit more laughter than the last until you can’t stop yourself from laughing.

you can hear his laughter ringing in your ears, it sounds so sweet that you want to sit in the feeling forever.

he finally places you down, taking a deep breath. you finally open your eyes to see that he’s beaming at you.

“you’re so pretty,” he says suddenly. he always has stars in his eyes while looking at you, but the way he stares at you tonight feels even more precious.

“you are too,” you reply.

“I love you,” he says it before he can catch himself. his eyes widen and he puts his hand over his mouth.

See the full post

987 notes - Posted July 16, 2022

#2

pretty party favor

kim mingyu x fem!reader

word count: 3.7k

tag list: @onlymingyus @junkissed @maijunejuly @hyucks-rose @freakyfriedrice @aceofvernons @fallinwoozi

warnings: not really enemies but they know and hate each other lol, gendered nicknames, reader has vagina, reader receiving head, overstimulation, squirting, slightly fluffy

a/n: hi this is halloween-esque but not necessarily spooky. just tension between idiots which I love to write! shoutout to june giving me the title to this + getting me to finish this with her comments on my google doc <3 pls enjoy

“get in the car.”

“fuck you,” you muttered under your breath.

“what was that?” mingyu spoke up again, clearly trying to push your buttons. he’s always done this, always acted as if he’s entitled to an answer even when it was none of his business.

you stopped in your tracks to look at him. “I said fuck you, prick,” you spat out, quickly facing your attention toward the path back home. 

you were coming back from a friend’s Y2K themed costume party which unfortunately meant taking the short walk back home in a denim miniskirt, a baby tee with a stupid saying on the front, and a pair of sneakers. it was a fun night, you drank sufficiently to the point where you felt light on your feet while walking home.

sure, your feet were comfortable, but it was still an inconvenience to walk back when it was cold and dark, but you typically never encountered any trouble since your apartment was located on a quiet residential street. 

however, tonight, mingyu had other plans. you thankfully managed to avoid him the entire night at the party, so much that you almost forgot he existed for a few hours. you spent the night catching up with friends that you hadn’t seen in a while because of work, gossiping a bit too much over red plastic cups, but you still spotted him occasionally doing the same thing. 

despite your friend group’s best efforts to help you make amends, you two didn’t get along one bit. there was too much tension for them to cut through as a collective group, so they eventually let it go in an effort to keep the peace. 

“get in the car right now. cheol’s gonna have my head if I don’t take you home, especially since you were drinking. I know you were taking shots all night,” he responds with that sly grin of his, you don’t even have to look at him to know. 

“that’s not true and cheol should know better than to expect me to ride with you,” your words slur slightly, exposing yourself a bit too much. you subsequently trip over your feet on a crack in the sidewalk, losing your balance momentarily.

you hear him laugh a bit too loud at the mistake and you feel your cheeks heat up in embarrassment. of course, he saw it and he’s not gonna let you forget about it either.

“you can’t even walk in sneakers right now! get in the car, princess, seriously,” he objects. you look over and you’re shocked that he’s still bored enough to keep up with you, it’s actively starting to piss you off.

“fuck, just let me fall on the pavement and die,” you yell into the air with your head tilted back, “you’re not even supposed to care what happens to me!” you turn your head to him again with a bewildered look.

“stop before you wake up the whole neighborhood,” he warns. “you know what, enough,” you hear him shut off the ignition and get out of the car, shutting the door behind him and meeting you on the sidewalk faster than you expected.

“you’re being ridiculous,” he points at you with an accusatory finger. 

you scoff. “do you think you’re gonna fuck me? is that why you’re doing this?” 

it feels wrong the moment you say it, but what else were you meant to say? he has notoriously only been friends with girls just to have weirdly long situationships with them, never establishing a proper relationship due to a lack of commitment. he thought it was convenient, you thought it was irritating.

“what? are you fucking kidding me?” he seethes, running his hands through his hair. you’ve really done it now, you don’t think you’ve ever seen him this flustered and angry at the same time. yet, it was the truth.

even when the rest of your friend group teased him, mingyu always took it without too much resistance, that’s just the kind of guy he is. 

“am I wrong? you think every girl you come into contact with wants to fuck you,” you insist, you cross your arms in front of your chest and stare at him intensely. 

“i’m doing this because you need to get home, whether I like you or not,” he clenches his jaw, not breaking eye contact for a second. it would probably scare you if you were less drunk, but you were feeling testy. 

“what happened to princess? hmm?” you smirk.

he barely lets you finish before he picks you up by the waist, doing his best to place you in the passenger seat despite you hitting his back with your fists.

“put me down!” you scream into his ear over and over until he’s somehow opened the door and clicks your seatbelt across your waist. you immediately shut up the moment he throws your discarded purse in your lap, you clutch it while looking down at your feet.

See the full post

1,313 notes - Posted October 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

fine line

figure skater!joshua hong x f!reader

synopsis: as a joshua fangirl, getting the chance to interview him as a teenager was an absolute dream. 10 years later with a flourishing career as a writer and a strained relationship with him, he wants to do a 10 year reunion interview about his path to the upcoming Olympics. there’s only one problem: you’re staying at his house and trying not to address your old feelings for him.

word count: 19.9k

tag list: @junhui-recs @bfwonu @huiranghaes

warnings: figure skater!joshua, writer/fangirl!reader, best friend!jeonghan, dad!seungcheol, smut, fluff, angst, some occasional skating jargon, this is a lot about the Olympics

a/n: y’all. this fic has been reworked over and over and over since spring 2022, it’s the longest fic I’ve ever done. it’s given me so much trouble and seen me through so many changes in my life. doing my final undergrad dance show, writing my undergrad capstone, finishing undergrad, and finding my first apartment. it is my baby and has grown as much as I have since march. thank you to the sports au discord for being so lovely <3 I hope you enjoy it as always and I hope you can feel how much heart I put into this! this is for @gyukult’s sports au collab + this is loosely based on the plot of the book “funny you should ask” by elissa sussman which I can’t recommend enough! title also inspired by the harry styles song ok bye lmao <3

Work isn’t particularly difficult, in your opinion. You’re used to hearing the people around you complain about how much their workload consumes them to a point of no return, but as you made your way into your first adult job as a writer, you tried to stop that from happening.

It’s not exactly easy when you have to navigate the entertainment industry while writing, but the idea of trying to craft new narratives about celebrities that the public is convinced that they know inside and out still excites you.

Even if you’re not exactly fond of whoever you’re writing about, the challenge still intrigues you. Thus, the conversations surrounding ideas for new profiles are always equal parts captivating and nerve-wracking.

“How do you feel about Joshua Hong?” Your manager asks. You look up to see her balancing her weight on the side of your desk, a neutral expression paints her face.

She knows this is a loaded question, all things considered.

“You know how I feel about him,” You blink at her before facing your computer again.

“I do, but I need an updated response considering the anniversary,” She persists. You sigh, swiveling around to face her again before responding.

“He’s great. I like him,” Your voice trails off, you try to nod to convince her, but it’s not working.

Your life has been so intertwined with Joshua Hong’s career as a professional figure skater that it’s hard to delineate life before and after him. He wasn't there, then one day he seemed to consume your life completely.

Before your start as a journalist, you ran a very well-known, albeit secretive, blog about Joshua Hong as a teenager. It was relatively harmless and safe for work, spare the occasional thirst posts sprinkled in. It mostly contained updates about the then emerging skater’s career, offering illegal torrent links for broadcasts of his performances that weren’t available worldwide and communicating with other fans about your love for him. Yet, some random post about him qualifying for the Olympics went insanely viral when you were 17, garnering over 1 million shares in under a week.

It was substantial enough to get his management's attention, and you had the opportunity to interview him not only for your blog but for a major publication for their Winter Olympics coverage series.

With two opportunities to write about him, you were able to fulfill the fan service pleas from your fellow fans for the blog and write a serious piece that made the general public interested in him from the perspective of a fan that knew the general timeline of his career.

The quick success felt like a fluke, but it led you to an undergraduate degree and a dream job as an entertainment writer at one of your favorite companies almost immediately after graduation.

He technically made your career, whether you wanted to admit it or not.

You’ve been trying to forget about the anniversary, but everyone in your life seems determined to bring it up whenever they see you.

“Well, we want you to do a 10-year reunion interview piece with him. That’s only if you want to,” Her voice was sympathetic, but you’re mainly focused on the number. It really had been 10 years, hadn’t it?

You were both incredibly established in your respective careers, him as a 5-time gold medalist with appearances at 3 Olympic Games, and you with a prolific image as a relatable yet incisive celebrity interviewer. It completely makes sense for you two to meet again, considering how much the first interview changed the trajectory of your lives.

It would feed into the nostalgia of Joshua fans that grew up alongside you as readers of your blog and new fans that clamored for any new Joshua content.

Yet, you weren’t exactly convinced.

“I mean, his team could’ve had anyone else write a big profile on him. We’re not the only website in the world with an entertainment section,” You fight the urge to bite your nails and instead choose to wring your hands together.

“He asked us to do it,” She admits.

You try not to look too shocked, but that definitely changes things. You were not close with Joshua whatsoever. Sure, he’d occasionally like your social media posts and wish you a happy birthday every year, but that was the extent of your relationship.

Your teenage self thinks it might be him looking for closure, wondering what might have happened if you stayed in touch.

See the full post

1,656 notes - Posted September 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[drunkkenobi]

I posted 607 times in 2022

That's 176 more posts than 2021!

55 posts created (9%)

552 posts reblogged (91%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@monsteraficionado

@ostensiblynone

@sequencefairy

@worksongnatural

I tagged 597 of my posts in 2022

Only 2% of my posts had no tags

#watcher - 275 posts

#shyan - 52 posts

#star wars - 48 posts

#my fic - 24 posts

#ghost files - 19 posts

#buzzfeed unsolved - 18 posts

#fic rec - 12 posts

#kenobi spoilers - 10 posts

#gorgeous - 9 posts

#my spreadsheets - 9 posts

Longest Tag: 128 characters

#i dont think its about the gf premiere selling out since this is in a hotel room (probably in chicago based on outfits and hair)

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

MADEJ: The fun part about that is, anytime Ryan and I are sort of figuring out an aesthetic thing that Ryan always voices of what I'm thinking, and then I bring visuals to him, and he is like, yes, that's exactly what I was thinking of. BERGARA: Yeah. It's great. MADEJ: It's pretty sweet.

This Collider interview ruined my day

391 notes - Posted September 21, 2022

#4

Blane 2.0 continues to be so important to me

477 notes - Posted October 1, 2022

#3

For fuck’s sake

656 notes - Posted September 16, 2022

#2

These two are killing me tonight

687 notes - Posted September 5, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Thinking today about two guys who only met because of a number of vaguely absurd circumstances. How one of them was older, but graduated college during the Great Recession and couldn’t find an adult job for years, so when he applied to the BuzzFeed internship, he was 4 or 5 years older than everyone else in his class. And how the other one was supposed to be a cinematographer, but took a chance on something else when the grip life wasn’t cutting it. How neither of them expected to last that long at Buzzfeed, one sure he would get fired for being slow and meticulous, the other assuming he’d cut and run and/or get fired if he didn’t pull unpaid overtime. How they ended up at the same set of desks. How movie trailers got the one to open up. How the other one was, quite literally, not there to make friends. How they became friends anyway. How the one took a simple idea and made it into a five minute video on the Somerton Man with his carpool buddy. How he then asked the other to fill in when the carpool buddy got transferred. How the other one had a free calendar to film a video about the Illuminati. How he kept having a free calendar to go ghost hunting in a mystery house, a terrible island of dolls and spiders, and a unassuming Kansas home. How one of them screaming at a flashlight and the other one laughing changed both their lives forever. How they took an oath to keep doing this with no one but each other. How they took a leap of faith and bet on themselves to start something new with the smartest person they knew. How their timing was cosmically horrible, launching this new thing right as the world shut down. How they persevered when it seemed like it might all end at any second. How they grew their little company, in fits and starts, until they finally got on stable land. How they didn’t even wait before ending their original ghost hunting series to start planning a new one. One where they could make all the rules. And how after months of planning and shooting and editing, that new series is here. And it’s bigger than either of them imagined. How shocked they are that thousands of people have come to see them, how dozens have flown across states and countries to celebrate with them, how millions have watched this show that they’re so proud of. How for the first time, their company has breathing room. How they can finally exhale. How all the hard work and long hours are paying off. How this is just the beginning. 

Yeah, I’d be smiling like that too. 

1,039 notes - Posted October 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[purplesurveys]

1604 - hi from 2023!

This past year...

who were your favorite singers, musicians, or bands? This just reminds me of how much my Spotify Wrapped struggled because the only thing they could recap for me is how much I listened to BTS and the boys’ 2022 solo ventures hahaha. But now that I think about it, there was also Beyoncé’s Renaissance. Other faves were Seventeen and NewJeans; and new discoveries I would say were Tiger JK, Paul Blanco, and SE SO NEON.

what were some of your favorite foods? If there was also a Food Delivery Wrapped, I’m so confident chicken and waffles would top my list lol. Apart from that, what I’m gonna say is gonna sound so basic lol but I think I ordered McDonald’s more times in 2022 than in my entire life overall; then for the last, it goes without saying but there was also sushi/sashimi.

what was your favorite dessert? Didn’t have many dessert discoveries this year although I did follow a ton of local bakeries that I just didn’t have the time to order from in 2022. In any case, my ‘favorite’ for the year would probably just be Starbucks’ chocolate chip macadamia cookie.

what was the best thing that happened to you? I’d say all the growth and experience I’ve gained from being a manager. I’ve talked about it before but my promotion was as premature as it gets – I was called to step up to the plate because nobody else was capable at such a critical time; nobody in the company gets promoted within a year. But I didn’t want to leave the group more shorthanded than we already were, so I took up the challenge and it’s only opened more doors and opportunities since then. 

Apart from that, finally being able to afford trips/vacations even if just out-of-town was also significant for me. I’ve gone to Zambales twice with friends this year, and first weekend of 2023 I am also taking my family to this quaint little place in Tanay for a quick weekend getaway, all out of my pocket. It feels great, not gonna lie!

what was the worst thing that happened to you? Kimi passing away. I couldn’t grieve him the way I would have wanted to because of work reasons that I am still and will always be infuriated about; though I made sure he got the farewell he deserved thanks to this superb pet cremation company that helped us out, even picking him up at 3 AM. That sweet, sweet boy...14 years by my side. I’m forever grateful.

how have you grown as a person? So much. I think 2021 me would be very shocked to find out how extroverted I became in the last 12 months.

what have you learned? That everybody puts their pants one leg at the time. Considering I used to be extremely shy at work (to the point where I was wondering why the fuck I wanted to be in PR), this was my most significant and most helpful learning for the year. I went from running away from clients and hiding behind my manager to being the first to argue with a client if I didn’t like what they were saying lol.

how old did you turn? 24.

what did you do for your birthday? On the day of, I rested at home and took my family out to a ramen dinner. That same weekend, my friends and I drove off to Zambales to get some lovely vitamin sea. Then I sprained my ankle heh.

what did you accomplish? Successfully held major events, bought a new phone, dyed my hair for the first time, DID NOT QUIT MY JOB(!!!), worked even more towards happiness. 2022 was definitely more of a business-as-usual year compared to 2021 but there were lots of good things that came out of it too. 

where did you live? Still at the same home I’ve lived in for 14 years.

who was your best friend? Angela, Reena, Andi.

This past year, have you....

made a new friend? Other than co-workers I’ve formed bonds with, not really.

lost a friend?

made a new best friend? I’d say Reena got ‘promoted’ to best friend status this year, haha. 2021 was largely a year of getting to know one another and just fangirling over the boys; but as I got more settled into the fandom, we were able to connect beyond BTS in 2022.

lost someone close to you? I lost a great-uncle this year. Was not necessarily close with him bond-wise as our blood relationship is already quite distant (he was a cousin of my late great-grandma), but he was family nonetheless.

attended a funeral?

attended a wedding?

gave birth to a child? 🤰

"came out of the closet"? More like threw out the closet, lol. I don’t give much thought to my orientation but I think I identify as asexual with straight tendencies now.

traveled? Little bit! Few out-of-town trips here and there.

felt depressed? 😔 I hit a low point sometime in June-July, same time as when Kimi passed. I was dissatisfied with my job which seemed to never cease giving me major things to work on all while forcing me to go overtime multiple times a week, and I didn’t have my best friend anymore. It really felt like drowning/suffocating at the time, but the difference I made this year is to ensure I was doing things to address the sadness instead of wallowing in it.

felt suicidal? 😔

felt happy? 😃 At many points throughout the year. I’m largely healed now which is great.

felt at peace? 😊 When I’m happy, I’m at peace.

felt overjoyed? 💃 Sure, I’m easy to please haha.

felt blessed? 😇

felt amazed? 🤩 ^ Samesies, I’m easy to impress.

fallen in love? 😍

had your heart broken? 💔 Kimi’s death.

got a new car? 🚗

graduated? 👩‍🎓

experienced something miraculous? ✨

had a better year than last year?

had a worse year than last year?

been to see the doctor? 👨‍⚕️ If the dentist counts, I went twice. Once to get a general cleaning done and the next was to get a wisdom tooth extracted.

been to the hospital? 🏥 To visit my mom after her breast surgery.

had a severe allergic reaction? 🤧

had COVID? 🦠

found out someone you knew had COVID? 🦠 A few people here and there.

used an epi pen? 💉

had a fever? 🥵

had a migraine? 🧠 Numerous times before clocking out of work. 8 hours of continuous screentime (sometimes more) can take such a toll on your head. Even threw up a handful of times.

gone on a date? 🌹

written in a journal or diary? 📔 This blog stayed updated, that’s for sure.

given someone a hug? 🤗 I love hugs.

cut your hair? 💇‍♀️ At a salon, yeah. I’d never touch my own hair lol.

danced around your living room? 💃 Just about every time there was a live online BTS concert.

prayed? 🙏

worshiped Jesus?

read the Bible? 📖

discovered a new favorite book? 📕

gone to church? ⛪️ We started going back to church i.e. face-to-face, this year.

went for a walk in the fall? 🍁

set up and decorated a Christmas tree? 🎄 Always do every year. We record the entire process in timelapse too because my mom likes posting it on Facebook.

threw up? 🤮 From both alcohol and work-induced stress/exhaustion, yep.

almost threw up? 🤢 From work, yes.

discovered a new music artist you really liked? 🎤 I’d say either Paul Blanco or SE SO NEON were my favorite discoveries of the year.

discovered a new song you really liked? 🎶 NewJeans’ Attention is crazy good.

seen snow? ⛄️

seen beautiful fall foliage? 🍁

gone to the beach? 🏝 Yesss, I went multiple times. 

rode a bike? 🚴

rode a horse? 🐎

swam? 👙 Every time I went to the beach.

worn makeup? 💄 For events and parties, yeah.

done a craft project? I started a paint-by-number this month.

made a scrapbook page?

written an essay? 📝 Many personal essays as I’m prone to letting out brainfarts about things I’m passionate about on social media. I’ve also penned a few articles for work.

painted something? 🎨 I painted the walls of my room a couple of days ago, and then there’s also the paint-by-number I mentioned.

drawn something? ✍️

sketched in a sketchbook?

written someone a letter? 📝 I always write short letters to people I give Christmas presents to.

been to a concert? 👩‍🎤 Not face to face ones, but I paid to see virtual concerts.

driven a car? 🚘 To get to just about anywhere, lol.

kayaked? 🛶

gone on a cruise? 🚢

made a big purchase? My phone.

moved to a new home? 🏡

got a new pet? We got Agi in April.

lost a pet? Kimi on June 10. Proof day; that’s why the album will always be bittersweet for me in many ways – the context behind it already is to begin with.

gotten a tattoo?

gotten a new piercing?

started a new hobby?

worn a mask? 😷 Every time I leave the house.

felt afraid to leave your house? Like I said in a previous survey, the one time I felt this way was when I learned about the shooting in Ateneo.

celebrated your birthday alone?

celebrated Christmas alone?

went for a long walk through the neighborhood? With the dogs, yeah.

Favorites of this Year (Pick one for each.)

Song: Run BTS, by BTS. I fought for that damn song the moment it came out when everybody else was paying attention to Yet to Come/For Youth and I feel fucking proud about it lol.

Book: I didn’t have one.

TV show: Our Beloved Summer was the one series I watched this year and I didn’t even finish it, lmao. It’s good though!

Youtube channel: Bangtantv saved my sanity at many points throughout 2022. I loved Josh and Ollie from Korean Englishman too.

Food: I was obsessed with chicken and waffles. Also got to try Panda Express for the first time and I’d say it’s definitely at least a top 10 placer when it comes to fave food this year.

Dessert: From this point onwards I’m taking this survey from 2023! Lmao I didn’t expect to be so busy on NYE. I didn’t have too many new sweets in 2022.

Drink: Water and peach soju.

Friend: Angela, always.

Thing you did: Trips with friends. Also that ‘talk’ I had with Kimi the night before he died – I knew he was fading away and knew he had less than 24 hours. So when everyone was asleep I got him alone in the living room and just talked, and talked and talked and talked to him. I knew I wouldn’t have wanted to say all my thanks the following day when my entire family would’ve already been there to count down the seconds before he went.

Place you went: San Felipe in Zambales. Best little hidden gem we accidentally discovered.

Person you spend time with: Myself.

Thing you did for your birthday: Went to the beach.

Celebrity: BTS.

Website: Spent so much time on YouTube and Twitter.

Emojis: The smiling with a single tear one is a good reaction for pretty much anything.

Colors: Purple.

Restaurant: The Swiss restaurant we dined at plus the rooftop restaurant/bar where my mom works were equally fantastic.

Tea flavor ☕️: I don’t drink tea.

Final Questions!

Would you say this past year has been a good year overall? It was great! But I also think I could have done more. I focused way too much on my promotion and not fucking up and trying to meet everyone at work’s expectations that I unwittingly sacrificed many things in my personal life and sometimes at the expense of my well-being too. It’s something I started to address and change by the end of the year, and something I’ll be even more aggressive about in 2023.

What are your goals for the new year? Actually have a financial goal, explore more new restaurants instead of going to the same places and ordering the same favorites, lesser inclinations to buy merch especially since the boys are on break. And update my closet!

How old will you turn next year? I’ll be 25! Did you make any big mistakes this past year? I was still really bad at saving. Do you have any big changes coming? I’ll have to see if this is the year I’ll be resigning.

How will you be celebrating New Year's Eve this year? That was last night - we hosted dinner for extended family, I skipped out on the 12 AM fireworks to be downstairs with the dogs and to serenade them with karaoke LOL, and I drank lots and lots of soju. What was the best day of this year for you, and why? October 15, enjoyed the Busan show with a group bigger than our usual.  What did you spend the most time doing this year? If not sleeping, working.

[michellesmusing]

ABOUT ME

First name: Michelle

Nickname: Subikid… Where did It come from? I have owned 5 Subaru cars in my life (I love Subarus). Love to drive and I love everything about cars. One day, I saw on a Subaru Facebook group, someone who had this license plate and decided to get the same for my car… It’s now my nickname at work and to everyone who knows me ahah! Zodiac Sign: I was born on August 31st, so I’m a Virgo Birthplace: Quebec, Canada  Height: 5’3” What are you doing for a living: Remember when I said that I love Subarus? Well my dream job was to either become a parts advisor or service advisor for The Subaru Dealership here in my town, and this since 2013… My dad passed away on November 1st, 2020 and I decided to go back to school to get a diploma in Parts/Service Advisor. Alas when I got my Diploma, Subaru didn’t have a job for me and I was quite sad, I knew everyone working there and I wanted to be part of that Subaru Dealership. Hyundai Hired on March 2022 me and I quickly learned the job as a Service Advisor, and I really did enjoy it (For 11 months I did own An Elantra N Line)  In August 2023, Subaru was looking for a Service Advisor and even though the men and women at Hyundai were super cool, I wanted to be part of the Subaru Team. I called Max (The Service Manager) and ask him if could meet him and the new boss and an hour later, I was shaking hands with the new boss! I left Hyundai on September 21st and on September 22nd, I was already at Subaru! Where you would go if you could travel anywhere right now:  I’d go back to Las Vegas. I lived there for a year (well, almost) and I really did love it! I’m glad to be back in my hometown though, but I miss Vegas. I miss the Desert and its Landscape… And The Dry Heat ahha! The things you’re allergic to: Hmm I’m allergic to nothing, but I can’t eat Pineapple. My stomach burns like hell after this!! Your favorite type of food: I really enjoy Pasta, Seafood, and Tacos!

Favorite Sports: As a Kid I grew up Playing Hockey, hey, I’m Canadian after all🤣, Skateboarding and Snowboarding were my favorite sport from 1996 to 2022, I had to stop though, thanks to my right knee that love to dislocate from its groove (after 10 patella luxations, I had to say goodbye to snowboarding, and plus the luxations didn’t even occur while snowboarding… Not cool!) I love working out, Cycling and Swimming.

Tattoos and Piercings?: My right arm is covered in Tattoos (We could say a Sleeve, right?) One tattoo on my left arm, and 3 others on the back and 2 on the neck. I got ears piercings like most human beings on earth ahah!  Your go-to cocktail order:  I love a good Rhum & Coke. I actually enjoy getting a new Rhum bottle each time I’m out of rhum, so I can taste and discover a new Rhum each time! The last song you played on Spotify:  Blue on Black - Kenny Wayne Shepherd To be honest, I enjoy a lot of music styles… From the 80’s, 90’s, Electronic music (Above & Beyond, Armin Van Buuren and many others), Alternative rock, Pop, and Country. I don’t really like Rap though 😐 Your guilty pleasure TV show:  I love everything about Cars mechanic shows where they’re revamping cars haha! If not, my favorite shows are “Breaking Bad”, “Better Call Saul”, “Timeless”, “The OA”, “Chernobyl”, “True Blood”, “Six Feet Under” and “The Sopranos”

Favorite Actors and Actresses: Goran Višnjić, Willem Dafoe, Stellan Skarsgård, Alexander Skarsgård, Keanu Reeves, Dennis Hopper, Mark Rufallo, Eric Bana and John Cusack // Charlize Theron, Saoirse Ronan, Reese Witherspoon, Anna Paquin, and Shailene Woodley.

The languages that you’re fluent in: I was born in Quebec, so my first Language is French. I Started learning English when I was 7 years old. My mother grew up in Toronto and she had many books in English and I simply loved the language, and I wanted to learn it as fast as I could! English is my second language, and I use it a lot for my job as most terms used on work orders are in English, and so are the car parts! I know a bit of Spanish, but never really got the interest in learning it. A strange talent that you have: Quite Frankly I don’t know haha! Let me think about it   The names of your pets: I only have one pet and it’s a Sphynx Male cat named Igor. The best place you’ve ever been to: Phi Phi Islands in Thailand. It was Epic! Would do it again! Especially since I love traveling and flying! What you wanted to be when you grew up: After seeing “Twister” on VHS in 1997, I wanted to become a Storm Chaser. I always did love observing Severe Weather. I was the kid on a BMX bike riding outside when the sky was growling!! I once got caught in a Thunderstorm and saw a bolt of lightning striking a power line near me, needless to say that I screamed at the tops of my lungs hahah! What would you pick if you won a sweepstake that gave you a lifetime supply of anything you wanted? Free food hahaha! Your favorite memory from your childhood. I think it’s the fact that I grew up with the same childhood friends for over 12 years. We were together everyday and without them, my childhood wouldn’t be the same. I still talk to one of my childhood friend everyday 🙂 What you were known for in high school. Hahaha! I used to love Wrestling (Especially The Undertaker) During my teenage years. I was also a tomboy and loved doing sports with the guys at school. So I was known for that I’d say. The career you almost ended up pursuing.  I wanted to become an English Teacher… But It never happened. I did enjoy doing Theater as well, I did a lot in High School and I miss that a lot! I’m also an aircrafts enthusiast, and I would've loved to work in an Airport or a job related to the Aircraft industry. If there’s a plane passing by, you can bet I will look up at the sky! ✈ Your biggest fear. Spiders and Pool Drains hahah! If I go to a pool I’ve never been to, I will check first where the drains are located. That’s my weird side 😛 The celebrity you’d most want to meet. That one is easy, right? Ahha! I’d like to meet Goran Višnjić, have lunch with him, hear him talking about his career and have a selfie with him haha! Of course, I really doubt it will happen, unless he comes to Quebec for a theater play or a movie 😛

My Instagram 

[bystreetlight]

Apparently it's the 21st of December so I better do this!!

1. What did you do in 2023 that you hadn’t done before? Went to a therapist, went to a Grand Final at the MCG, participated in the inaguration of a Governor and the swearing-in of a Premier…

2. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not this year!

3. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully, no.

4. Did you travel? Where did you go? Best holiday memory? Went to Mildura twice (in March and December) and had THREE actual HOLIDAYS (to Brisbane in May, King Valley in September and Adelaide in October). Best holiday memory was the amazing vibes in Brisbane, a city I've always treated with disdain but turns out it's actually quite cool and I enjoyed it thoroughly?!?!? And seeing Chromeo in Adelaide.

5. Best thing you bought? Even though we "bought" it in 2022 we only got our new car in May and that was definitely the highlight of the year 🚗

6. Where did most of your money go? Savings? Mortgage repayments? When our hot water service died and we had to replace it? Far out when did I get so fucking old 😭

7. What do you wish you had done more of? I feel like I got the balance right in a lot of areas this year so I can't really think of anything!

8. What do you wish you had done less of? Stressing about rain and bad weather THANKS PTSD!!!!

9. What kept you sane? Having a job that I enjoy and an awesome team! I had to spend a lot of time back in the office this year and that made it a lot easier!!

10. What drove you mad? When Finland got robbed at Eurovision. When the Premier resigned during Grand Final week and I had to work my tits off instead of enjoying the week. When our car kept taking longer and longer to get delivered.

11. What made you celebrate? Seeing Collingwood win a Grand Final IN PERSON! The Matildas amazing run at the Women's World Cup!

12. What made you sad? Andre Braugher dying, the genocide in Gaza, the Yes referendum failing so fucking miserably, Rafa missing the entire year through injury.

13. How was your birthday this year and how old did you turn? It was a Wednesday so I worked from home and no one in my new team knew it was my birthday and I didn't say anything so it was very uneventful! Went and saw &Juliet that weekend which was fabulous! I turned 39.

14. What political issue stirred you the most this year? Probably the referendum. Best not to think about it.

15. What was the best meal you ate in 2023? The sandwiches from Sardinas are genuinely the best sandwiches I've ever eaten in my life.

16. What would you like to have in 2024 that you didn’t have this year? I would love to leave the country but if that's the only thing I can think of it seems very self-indulgent, especially in this economy!!!

17. What date(s) from 2023 will be etched in your memory and why? 5-8 May - went to Brisbane for MAGIC ROUND and it was truly a life-changing experience.

18. What song will remind you of 2023? Dance the Night - Dua Lipa.

19. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I think so! My resolution was to look after myself after forming some bad habits during the Lockdown Years™. I got back into pilates and have been pretty good with exercising and eating well and keeping on top of all my boring health responsibilities! I also wanted to do an insta post each month and to read more books and I achieved both of those! Next year I think I'm going to make a fun resolution. I want to take more photos or do something creative on the regular.

20. Did you suffer illness or injury? I developed eustachian tube dysfunction after an ear infection, which has not gone away and FUCKING SUCKS. Otherwise I think I've kept pretty well this year. And I've managed to avoid getting c*vid again which is a miracle.

21. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? A bit happier, mainly because this time last year we had no car and we'd just been robbed hahahaha. ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner, although as every year that I fill this thing in goes by I feel like it's less about being thin and more about just being fit and healthy! iii. richer or poorer? Richer? Marginally?

22. How will you be spending Christmas? I have 10 days off over Christmas/New Year, which I was "strongly recommended" to take as I have "excess leave" lol. Christmas Day at the in-laws as per usual, then maybe a day at the cricket, maybe a beach trip or two, and hopefully some sleeping past 7am?!?!

23. What was your favourite movie? PAST LIVES. My god. As someone who often drifts off into nostalgia and 'what-ifs' and thinking about people I cared about in my younger years this movie floored me.

24. What was your favourite TV program? The final season of Succession DESTROYED me. I still think about it on an almost daily basis which is probably unhealthy 😂. Also loved The Last of Us, S2 of The Bear, the final season of Reservation Dogs, The Newsreader, Alone Australia, Beef until everyone in it got cancelled…and I just started Yellowjackets (late to the party) and I'm obsessed with it!!

25. What was the best book you read? Crossing the Line by Nick McKenzie. And I'm about halfway through Still Life by Sarah Winman which I am LOVING.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? I feel like I flogged some old favourites this year (hello Chromeo as my top artist on Spotify Wrapped hahaha), rather than getting into anyone new...

27. What did you want and get? A holiday! THANK CHRIST! And for my period to stop after having a Mirena put in late last year 🥳🥳🥳

28. What did you want and not get? To recover properly from a traumatic experience that has left me sometimes crippled with anxiety. I suppose there's always next year hahahahah.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2023? I genuinely tried not to spend too much on clothes this year but I had to step up my work outfit game for my new job which was sort of annoying? I don't really know what my 'concept' was though…trying not to get sucked in to 90s trends that I lived through the first time that didn't warrant a second go?

30. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Pedro Pascal and Bad Bunny together on SNL, Arian Moayed until he came out as an Isr*el apologist, several NRL footballers that I'm not inclined to admit to publicly…

31. Biggest achievement this year? Not killing myself when we had to wait 7 months for our car and had to walk and get the bus everywhere and it truly sucked my will to live.

32. Biggest disappointment this year? When our amazing lawnmowing man closed his business and we had to try and find a new person and it's been a fucking nightmare!!!!

33. What is the one thing that would have made you more satisfied? If Tim and Dale had got together on The Newsreader. I'm going to say that every year until I'm dead.

34. Best new person you met this year? The kookaburras that live in the park next to work don't really count but I'm putting them anyway. And Boyd Cordner.

35. A valuable life lesson you learnt this year? They say a change is as good as a holiday but actually a holiday is the only thing as good as a holiday.

[thegravityblog]

Tuesday: 06-05-2023

8,25,41,500

A hell of a day! My morning routine is the usual one, but I just felt waves of happiness throughout the day. Focus was clean, precise didn’t wobble at all. Work started with 2 meetings for Stellar and Dexa. Stellar is a challenge for me, and I love challenges. One of my traits that I adore is my ability to not taking a “NO” for an answer. Either you are with me, or I will pursue you. There’s nothing like NO in my dictionary. The challenge I am facing with stellar is raising the rest of the capital to invest in stocks and bonds. Stellar Capital Management is a hedge fund that I have started, pretty small starting with $1M (Rs.8,25,41,500 INR). The pitch is to provide an annual return of 10-12% but that absolutely depends on the face of the market. Volatility ride is obvious, hedging the market is a tough feat, with already established player with a track record in your competition. But that doesn’t really matter, I always try to learn from my competition, its healthy unless someone is jealous ass. Can’t be around there. So the challenge I am facing is being a newbie, and the only track record I have is my 9 Years of investing experience in both domestic and international securities. I won’t call myself the best trader, but I am pretty good at it. There have been years where I was hitting 12-14% returns, and that’s the only CV I have while raising money. And when you have established competition, and mind you competition in finance is fierce, many prospective clients I pitched, has ultimately refused to work with me. 19 people I pitched have said No to I’ll think about it. And hedge funds are not open to everyone, or the general retail investors, these are high frequency investment engines for the HNI (High-net individuals) and UHNI’s (Ultra High-Net Individuals). I haven’t pitched any UHNI, because simply they won’t even talk with me or book an appointment, they can only be pitched once I hedge the market and perform well my first year. They don’t talk to newbies.  So, these are the cream of this country and also a couple of people from the US. I cannot name them here, but I am fortunate enough to pitch a couple of very wealthy entrepreneurs from Silicon Valley as well and all from my bedroom. I have had a couple of in-person meetings with prospective clients from my own city Majority of them has appreciated my drive and determination, that I am not throwing flashy acts of hiring finance graduates, with a swanky office. None. All from my bedroom. I have always been an advocate of the fact that if you want to pursue something, and you really know your shit? Well you can do it. So the challenge now is raising the rest of the money. And in India to start a fund affiliated with SEBI (Securities and Exchange Board of India) you have to start with atleast Rs.20Crors ($2.7 Million), and to start privately you need to put Rs.50 lakhs of your own money. So I sold an E-commerce store recently and made a major chunk from the sale, and put that all into this fund. Later on, you have to get a SEBI license, and will get that when the time comes.  I don’t shop, although I have enough to, but the money is being aggressively invested into my personal portfolio and building new things. So I control the urge to splurge, but I still spend a lot on buying books every month. But my birthday is next month and I am surely gonna splurge like a madman. Also my new ride will be home around my birthday only. But the caveat - A present to my parents from me. Personal and family expenses are different. I also work as a consultant cloud engineer at AWS, so that gets injected at my house. Dexa will start generating revenue by the end of July, right now, on-boarding events and allowing users to love the product is the goal. It’s BETA now, v2 will launch by December this year. I started Dexa officially after a 3 month internship at Norton LifeLock, in October 2022. I quit a cushy job at Norton as a system admin, afraid but brave enough to risk it. So in short it doesn’t really matter if it’s Tuesday or Sunday, I am putting off fires everyday. And I love it, this is what I always wanted to do, an from here it’s only the way ahead and above.  So then after tackling the meetings, I started coding the AI therapist and did that all day long. My CTO looks after Dexa and provides me a report every night. Evenings are mostly listening to music, podcasts, interviews and reading a book. I have to read VERTEX Pharma’s 10-K tonight too. In short, I am having a blast and I am all grateful for this. I am alive after a long period of abuse and nothing can be much better than what I have now and will have. My therapy session is on Thursday, it has been moved due to our schedules. Grateful for a family who allowed me to chase my dreams What is Dexa? - https://www.crunchbase.com/organization/dexa-3906 https://www.dexa.club Stellar Capital Management: https://www.stellarcapital.info Tech Integrated Inc (My first startup - My background): https://www.crunchbase.com/organization/tech-integrated