#2000 and i’d still be delulu about him

[tomatoswup]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THIS LIL BLONDE 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎉🎉🎉 best bday wishes for the next 1050 years!!!!! ?????

[underthebrightmooninterests]

TXT YEONJUN & SOOBIN FIC: LOVE UNDER THE LIGHTS

Like you? I love you! (fluff, crush)(2000+ words)

summary: I came upon this old vlive moment a while back and before I knew it I’d written an entire fic around it. Delulu’s be warned lol. (also on AO3)

or 

Yeonjun has a realization and handles it in all the wrong ways.

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“Is it buffering? It says that the connection’s a bit unstable.”

Yeonjun had done live streams with Soobin before, tons of them in fact. Today was no different, it was just another live stream with one of his members.

At least that’s how he wanted to treat it, but the events of yesterday made it difficult for Yeonjun to act like he was fine. And the worst part? Soobin seemingly had no idea that he was the cause for all of his inner turmoil…

-One week earlier-

Soobin lets out a loud laugh as Yeonjun launches himself on top of him and attacks his sides. Beomgyu is talking to one of the staff members and Hueningkai is having a conversation with Taehyun, none of them are even the slightest bit fazed at the two oldest members laying on top of each other in a tickle fight. Hueningkai simply smiles at the sight, Taehyun rolls his eyes and Beomgyu is so enthralled in his own story that he doesn’t even notice the two wrestling members behind him on the couch.

That is until his story gets interrupted by Yeonjun accidently pushing Soobin into him. Beomgyu lets out a yelp before getting up from the couch he was almost pushed off and crossing his arms.

“Can the two of you go be in love somewhere else I’m trying to have an adult conversation here.”

Yeonjun finally stops his tickling attack on Soobin’s waist and looks up at Beomgyu smiling. Soobin takes a moment to catch his breath before he too, looks up at Beomgyu towering over them on the couch, and scoffs.

“An adult conversation? Weren’t you just talking about video games?”

Yeonjun and the staff laugh as Beomgyu pouts in response to Soobin’s comment: “Video games are an adult topic. Now please move your cuddling to the floor if you really can’t help yourselves and stop disturbing me.”

Soobin rolls his eyes once more before getting up and announcing that he’s going to the bathroom. Yeonjun doesn’t get a chance to think about how he’s going to keep himself entertained now Soobin’s gone because he’s immediately called into makeup for the photoshoot. It seems the photographer they were waiting for has finally arrived.

As soon as he sits down in the makeup chair, Soobin returns and seats himself with the maknaes on the floor. When Yeonjun closes his eyes for his eyeshadow he can hear Soobin’s distinct laugh echoing through the room. He quickly opens his eyes to see what the commotion’s about. It seems Hueningkai made some kind of joke because Taehyun’s also laughing. As they work on his lip makeup his eyes stay on Soobin and his conversation with the maknaes. He’s so focused he doesn’t even notice Beomgyu sneaking up behind him with a mischievous grin on his face.

“Are you jealous?”, Beomgyu says right in Yeonjun’s ear, his voice laced in jest. Yeonjun lets out a yelp in response, startling not only the makeup artist working on his face but even Soobin at the other side of the room.

“Ah, you scared me.” Yeonjun says exasperated as both the stylist and Beomgyu laugh at him. It takes him holding his chest for a moment, waiting for his heart to calm down, to even realize what Beomgyu said.

“Did you just say jealous?” he inquires and Beomgyu laughs as he takes place in the makeup chair next to Yeonjun.

“Yeah, because you were looking at Soobin with those eyes again.” Beomgyu is still laughing to himself, but Yeonjun is confused more than anything.

“What eyes? And what do you mean ‘again’?”

Beomgyu finally ceases his laughing and looks towards his hyung.

“You know, the love eyes.”

“Love eyes?”

“It’s just a joke hyung, don’t think too much about it.” Beomgyu finally says as he turns towards the mirror and allows the makeup artist to start working.

Yeonjun scoffs and leans back with his hands behind his head: “Pft jealous, as if any of you can compare to me.”

Beomgyu chuckles and shakes his head: “This hyung’s really confident about everything.”

Their conversation falls silent after that, but Yeonjun doesn’t forget it. It’s a joke, he knows that too, they joke like this all the time. But for some reason today it bothers him. He tries to focus his thoughts on the upcoming photoshoot, but the feeling of Soobin’s touch lingers on his skin and breaks his concentration.

Love eyes huh…

Distracted or not, Yeonjun is a professional. So, when he gets called in for his solo portion of the shoot he poses with ease. He spends time eating lunch while the others are shooting and it’s not until they’re waiting for their group shoot that the strange thoughts return.

Yeonjun is telling a story about how he managed to get a really expensive shirt for a really cheap price in Itaewon. His eyes are on Hueningkai as he explains the excitement he felt when he saw the shirt he liked in the small vintage shop.

“I remembered that I’d seen it online and I immediately checked the price, you’ll never guess how much it was!”

Hueningkai seems slightly distracted by his food but tries his best to seem interested in his hyung’s story. Yeonjun’s eyes trail away from Hueningkai and land on the boy sitting on his right and he immediately regrets looking over. His eyes meet Soobin’s, and his head goes blank.

You see, Soobin isn’t the most intimidating person on the planet, anyone can see that, but he has this stare. A stare that’s silenced Yeonjun before, a stare that manages to jumble his thoughts every time. He’s tried to talk to other members about this, but they don’t seem to relate to the way Yeonjun’s heart skips a beat when he’s looked at like that. They admit that Soobin’s stare can be intense but none of them knew what he was talking about when he mentioned the sparkles in the boy’s eyes. The soft love that pours out of them every time he looks towards you like that. Looks at you like you’re the most important person in the world to him. For a moment Yeonjun considered that Soobin only looks at him like that but he didn’t enjoy the way that made his heart skip a beat, so he stopped that thought process immediately.

But even now when he’s doing something a simple as telling a story about a piece of clothing, Soobin’s looking at him with those eyes. It’s unfair really. Even with Yeonjun jumbling his words, Soobin doesn’t do anything but nod and encourage him to keep speaking. Yeonjun eventually looks back towards Hueningkai and finishes his riveting story.

But as they load into the car for their next schedule, Beomgyu’s words ring in his head.

Love huh…

Later that night they’re eating backstage at a radio station when Soobin sits next to Yeonjun to eat and the older man is overly aware of how close the boy is. He finds himself hyper fixated on Soobin and what he’s doing.

His heart didn’t skip a beat when Soobin casually wiped some food of his lip, and his gaze didn’t momentarily drop to Soobin’s lips when he did so. Because that would have implications that Yeonjun isn’t ready for in the slightest.

None the less, when they get back to the dorm, he decides that the man responsible for him overthinking his own feelings like this should be the one to help him.

“Beomgyu-ya.”

“Mhm?” Beomgyu is already seated behind his pc and Yeonjun knows he has max three minutes before Beomgyu starts a new game and he’s fully lost his attention.

“I need to ask you something.”

As distracted as he is, Beomgyu seems to notice his slightly serous tone because he even takes his headphones off and turns his chair to face Yeonjun.

“Ok, if I hypothetically wanted to make a joke about me and Soobin dating, how do you hypothetically think people would react to it?”

Maybe he empathizes the hypothetically a little too much but better safe than sorry.

Beomgyu quirks up and eyebrow, sending anxiety through Yeonjun’s system.

“You know, just in case. I remember I was going to make a joke like that during a past live stream, but I didn’t because I didn’t know if people would say it’s too far or something. Would they care? Probably not, right? Because you know… people of the same group actually dating is impossible, right?”

Yeonjun can almost physically see the cogs in Beomgyu’s brain turning. His question doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but he just needs a different perspective on things. Whether it’s the exhaustion or his desire to just get the conversation over with and return to his game, Beomgyu answers the question without asking a single one in return.

“I don’t think they’ll care. I mean I talk to Hueningkai and Taehyun all the time about how you two would be a ‘cute couple’, I’m sure if you were to make jokes like that on broadcast no one would take it seriously.”

When Yeonjun doesn’t immediately offer a reply Beomgyu decides that’s the end of their conversation and he turns his chair back around, puts his headphones on and starts on a new game.

Right, who’d believe that? Two idols from the same group dating, what an idea.

Yeonjun trudges back to his room and ignores the pit that’s forming in his stomach.

Luckily that doesn’t matter to me because my members are like my brothers.

Right?

Ugh, if it was about anything else he’d just call his mother for advice or something, but he isn’t sure how she’d respond to this.

Well, he got away with giving vague questions once today, maybe it’s his lucky day!

------------------

“Does my little healing have a crush?”

Well, that didn’t take very long for her to figure out. He shouldn’t be surprised that there was no way to ask her for love advice without her realising what’s really going on. Maybe he should just tell her?

Tell her what? I don’t even really know if I like him.

“No, I don’t. Well, maybe I do. I don’t really know.”

“Well, where did you meet this person? How long have you known them?”

Yeonjun silently thanks his mother for not assuming he’s talking about a girl, that immediately makes this conversation a whole lot less uncomfortable.

Maybe he doesn’t need to say he’s talking about Soobin? He has a lot of friends; she won’t know who he’s referring to.

“I actually met them…him… quite a long time ago but today was the first time that the possibility of me liking him crossed my mind.”

His mother ponders in silence for a moment before responding.

“Mm, what started these thoughts?”

Yeonjun lays back on his bed and sighs as he thinks back to their photoshoot from earlier.

“We were just kind of messing around and then someone pointed out that I’m always looking at him and touching him.”

“Well, you are a very affectionate person sweetheart.”

“That’s true…” Yeonjun sighs as he turns around on his bed and clutches his pillow in his arms while he talks.

“But I then started thinking about how he looks at me, he has this really intense gaze and whenever he looks at me like that my mind goes blank and my heart just kind of freaks out.”

His mother giggles slightly at the other end of the line making Yeonjun groan:” Mom, don’t laugh!”

“Sorry, sorry. Well let me ask you this, if this boy told you tomorrow that he has a girlfriend how would you feel?”

Yeonjun has to think about that one for a second. If Soobin got a girlfriend? He shouldn’t care, a lot of his friends are dating, and he never cared when they told him. He’d probably have a lot less time to spend with him if that was the case, maybe Soobin would even stop being as close to Yeonjun if he did. The thought of Soobin kissing someone kind of makes his heart ache though…

Oh my God

I like Soobin

“Mom… I…”

His mother lets out a breath followed by a slight chuckle: “Oh, it seems my healing really does have a crush.”

Yeonjun buries his head in his pillow, when did this happen? He’s an idol, being in love is challenging enough but that person being in the same group? Oh, he’s so screwed.

“I-I can’t tell him. Fans w-will…”

“When that day comes your fans will understand.” His mother replies and he latches onto her voice, his face still buried in his pillow. If only he could hug her, receive her comfort in real life and not just through a phone.

His mother continues:

“You worked very hard to get where you are, remember all those tough days when you were a trainee, remember how difficult that was for you. You and all your members worked very hard to get where you are today. It was tough but you paved a way to happiness then and you can do it again now with this.”

Happiness…

Yeah, he did work hard. And so did Soobin. He is happy. Soobin doesn’t have a girlfriend and as much as the thought stings, when Soobin gets a partner Yeonjun will just have to suck it up. They worked too hard for him to ruin it now. Dating Soobin is never going to happen, he might as well give up now. He’s been happily on Soobin’s side for years now, nothing’s changed. He can just do as he did before, he’ll be the same teasing but supportive hyung and band member that he’s always been. Soobin is a fellow member, a brother, nothing more.

“Healing-ah?”

Yeonjun belatedly realises that his mother is still on the line, he quickly wipes away the tear he didn’t realise rolled down his cheek and sits up to answer her.

“Yeah, sorry mom I’m fine. Thanks for the advice, I think I know what to do now.”

They hang up soon after. When Yeonjun wakes up with red rimmed eyes the next day, the members very easily accept his excuse that he watched a sad movie.

---------------------

“Is it buffering? It says that the connection’s a bit unstable.”

It’s been about a week since Yeonjun’s revelation about his feelings for Soobin and he can happily announce that nothings changed. He and Soobin are still friends, and the latter doesn’t seem to have noticed anything about Yeonjun’s crush.

Although that’s not for a lack of mistakes on Yeonjun’s part.

“What flavour Pepero do you like?”

Yeonjun saw the comment flying by so he shouldn’t have been surprised when Soobin turned to him and asked it. He’s had Pepero before, he knows he prefers the nude chocolate snack over the regular one. But his nervousness under Soobin’s gaze hasn’t changed and it takes Soobin prompting the answer out of him before he’s able to form an answer. Relief fills his system when Soobin breaks eye contact to complain to the camera about not really liking the nude flavour. Yeonjun’s able to give him basic replies as his brain tries to reboot and his heart tries to recover. Thank God the connection’s terrible at the moment, he didn’t need moa’s to capture this embarrassing moment of gay panic in 4k.

 Maybe hiding this crush won’t be as easy as initially expected…

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to be continued... (part 2)

[glassesandkim]

I would like to say my piece here about schmico, grey’s anatomy, and the fandom and it’s really for my own self-indulgence and benefit. I’m not asking for you to agree with me or even begin to understand what I’m going on about. I don’t even think half the things that I think about for this fandom exists on an important level. I fully believe in just ~vibin’~ to your own tune when it comes to participating in fandom spaces.

so this post is gonna be my way of getting stuff off my chest so i can continue to ~vibe~

First thing I’d like to address is: I know. I know the Nico Kim that I love and adore is not the Nico Kim in canon. He is who I hope he is in canon. But there’s not much to combat or support that he is or isn’t. He really could be who we’ve made up in fanon for him and at the same time, he really couldn’t. Grey’s created this character that is as blank as a dried piece of toast. So forgive me if I spread a bit of spicy jam here and there so I can swallow this bland shit down a little easier. 

So when people come to me to say, “Y’all are delulu and out of your mind to love this guy this much.” PLEASE, I know. This isn’t news, honey. I am well aware.

But I will continue to justify, romanticize, and put this boy on a pedestal for as long as his existence in canon continues to remain arbitrary and vague. And it makes me very biased to a fault but I have put too much time and energy into this character NOT to be. 

And then you might ask, why have I put so much of my time and life (THREE YEARS!!!! I’VE BEEN IN THIS FANDOM FOR THREE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!) into this character that has all but said maybe like a PAGE of dialogue at most? 

Because I was conned into it. Because they marketed the shit out of him when Alex Landi got the part. And I, as a casual viewer of Grey’s since I was in high school (I’m in my late 20s now, dawg) and of Asian descent was promised representation. Not just Asian rep, but queer rep. 

So naturally, I got extremely attached. It's not everyday a major Western mainstream prime time medical drama chooses to create a character as unique as Nico's. 

I spent so much time here. I was here when fandom decided Nico would call Levi “babe”. I was here when we all clowned that Nico didn’t know Levi’s first name. I was here when Josh died and the fandom went up in arms with pitchforks and stakes against Nico. I was here for all of it. I've seen it all. 

And unfortunately, seeing it all, makes me tired. Grey’s is time and time again proving to me that they don’t give a shit about the development and well-being of their existing characters at all. The show only cares about collecting diversity points and performing their wokeness to the general masses. (I talk a lot about how grey's is plot-driven vs. character-driven.) 

I will still get frustrated and annoyed at Nico’s lack of character development. But I mostly just laugh at the fandom nowadays. I know you guys want to fight the fight, tell everyone Nico is not toxic!!!!!! But bros, friends, lovers, it’s a tried and tired fight. 

Grey’s wants us to think Nico is a Bad Boyfriend. It’s as clear as the stench one comes across when they step on dog shit. That’s why I think it’s useless to fight people about Nico. Grey’s gets amnesia all the time. Grey’s forgot the whole season and half they invested in creating a loving boyfriend for Levi and up and changed Nico’s personality to fit a new narrative (that they, quite frankly, failed to even follow through because of covid and other filming hoopla hula hoops they’ve had to jump through that I’ve been informed of and which I simply don’t care for). 

So all this ~schmico is endgame!!! we deserve it!!!~ Binches, I have better things to fight for than schmico endgame. What’s the alternative? Levi lives in Jo’s closet forever? They’re going to be together in the end no matter what. Nobody on that show cares enough about Nico OR Levi to set up new relationships and stories for them. So don’t fret, my friends. They’ll be together in the end. It just comes down to the question of what stupid story they’re going to come up with for them to be together. (And might I argue that they already are together???) 

Speaking of the bogus story they’re going to write for schmico: you bet my rice eating, Chinese-speaking ass, that it’s not going to be a story written from a queer and poc perspective. It’s going to be some gag-worthy straight het story but made gay. (How many times do I have to hear, "I hope Nico comes out to his parents!!" NO, HE DOESN'T! Do you know how VIOLENT coming out is sometimes?? It's not a solution to Nico's problems with Levi. It's an introduction and invitation to problems over being queer -- but why would I expect anyone, let alone Grey's, to understand that prepetuating these types of stories is inherently damaging to queer people? They wouldn't know. The cishet fandom wouldn't know. Because no one is writing grey's in a queer, poc centric way.)

Which drives me to the next point: you know why Nico doesn’t get character development even though he showed up at the same time as Link? Because of ✨racism ✨. Because Link is a more conventional character (read: white) that is easier to write because nobody on this show knows how to write an Asian character anymore, let alone a gay Asian character. So of course, nobody wants to touch that shit even with a pogo stick. (Argue with me that Cristina exists and I will tell you, yes she did, but they RARELY touched upon her cultural and ethnic background. Also it was the early 2000s. Cristina was as ground breaking as it got for us Asians back then.)

And then because Nico isn’t developed enough, we have the weird phenomenon of people shipping everyone and their dog with Levi and it’s like, y’all know you got played by the racism game, right? You are hostages to this system that has taught you that white men are more desirable and deserving of story and humanity than a poc character who is instead, reduced to nothing but sex appeal and if he’s not doing well on that front, then he’s useless.

How many times does Levi say: Nico is so hot! Sex with Nico is so good! He’s a roman statue!

All!! the!! time!! Nico's worth to Levi’s character is to be the sex object that Sets Him Free. 

Which plays into the sexualization of Asian people which all comes from, you guessed it! Racism! (Levi really compared Nico to a fucking lifeless slab of stone.)

(Side note: I do think talking about how racism plays into Nico’s character and the fandom space is important and probably a separate post. I’m happy to write my opinion piece on it if it’s something people want.) 

But anyway, those are just some of my qualms with schmico, grey’s anatomy, and the fandom. I do not expect anyone to fully agree with me and I’m not asking the fandom to change or apologize or whatever. I’m just already grateful if you took the time to even read this post. 

I’ll leave with some parting advice: fandom is what you make of it. We won’t all agree with everyone’s hot takes, but that’s the beauty of it, yeah? So I chose to create this version of Nico Kim that brings me IMMENSE joy. Like, A LOT!!! I love this fandom for these reasons. I’m grateful everyday for the friends I’ve made and the works and creations I’ve created and I’m honoured to be able to consume other works made by fellow fans. 

I might hate a lot of things about grey’s and schmico, but I really owe a lot of myself to this fandom.