#2. 'I'm angry hurt or scared and I can't process this feeling very well so I'm going to lash out'

[reachingmygoalsss]

Life Update

April 25 2024

Got multiple new jobs, a new apartment and new dogs literally 5 days after the December post. Lost some weight around 15lbs rn! Things are looking up the dogs have helped me relax so so much.

My boyfriend got a new job as a carpenter now and actually stepped up after a fight we had on Valentine's Day. He started trying really hard, and I admit I wasn't the best person during the time because of how hurt and betrayed I felt. I feel a lot of guilt for that, and like I don't fully deserve this new beginning to some extent with him because of how angry I was up until he got the job. I'm really happy for him and thankful too. After all I wouldn't be dating him this long if I didn't love who he is. Stress just gets in the way of that sometimes.

My new dogs are the best little girls! They are German Shepherd lab mixes and are beautiful. Now around 7 months old. I will upload some pictures with this of them! They literally help me so much in my dream realms and through my healing stuff as well as with the transmutation of my emotions. I try to give back as much as I can to them by getting them treats, bones, and things they need or want. I really think I'm gonna try and walk them more, though. It's something I have been lacking with. That and training, and they deserve more of that, so that is a new thing I want to do for them going forward.

I have lots of big plans for the future. I'm going to make a goals list soon, so be hopeful for that. But I think the rest of the post I'm going to rant.

My parents still suck. I don't like how they take everything as me trying to hurt them. It's very frustrating. I'm not going to say I didn't have a lot of hate for them from all the buildup and stuff but I have let go of most of that now. I don't hate them anymore I just don't like them because I realized they will never actually understand me or how I speak.

Something I have been having issues healing lately is feeling like I'm hurting others. Today I talked to my mom for the first time in months and we were having a conversation about my brother since he is in the process of having a kid. Said conversation:

"you know your brother he gets stressed so easily and is nervous"

"that's because you yelled at him for so many years"

"that's because he never would listen unless I yell at him"

"he never was able to hear you because his ears were damaged from you yelling at him"

"I'm not going to let you ruin my day today I'm about to have a grandkid"

"I'm just telling you where that comes from"

✨️conversation ended 2 mins later✨️

This is how every conversation goes and yet I still somehow feel like I'm a dickhead for just stating what I see when she tries to bring stuff up. I feel this way with everyone, either in a state of confusion or guilt and shame for triggering them. I genuinely don't mean to trigger them either I'm just looking at a situation and word vomiting what I see, hear or feel. Sometimes I think I'm autistic because of this. With my mom though I do question if my motives are good. Like is it a subconscious jab at her character? Am I living in the past? Part of me does feel like I am still there in the house a scared kid waiting for her to come in my bedroom and tell me to do some chore or scream at me. During those times my throat feels tight like I'm being strangled and I still can't seem to get the words out clearly. It's hard for me to be in a relationship when there is no relationship because it will always be one-sided. She still wants me to wear the golden child, straight A student, favorite cousin, grandchild, bullshit mask I wore for so long. Perfection mask curated to her, otherwise I'm imperfect, but more importantly she is imperfect. I find myself with traits like her sometimes. Cold and cruel due to insecurities and superficialities. I see how hurt she is too and I guess that's why I still hold so much guilt, shame and hurt for cutting her out. She will never see me. Just like her mother never saw her.

I hope I'm not like her.

My father, I cut off from Jan 1st to early April. It's nice to talk to my dad, and I miss him. The problem is that I usually go into an anxiety attack after I get off the phone with him. Even if the conversation is good, it feels like he invades my whole being, and I have intrusive hate thoughts every time I talk to him that I have to clear out of my head almost every time. He also defends my mom with her behavior, and then he lets her into conversation a lot. Which has put a lot of strain on our relationship in general. I didn't want to have to make him choose between me or mom, but she made that the case a lot of the time. I wish he had the balls to say no to her and just have a relationship with me. I don't expect him to ever stick up for me though at this point. If he defended her to a 5 year old me saying I was the problem at 5 why should I have expected anything different at 22. That's the part I think that hurts the most is still dealing with the same thing younger me dealt with. No one to help me stand up to my bully other than myself.

Good news is I'm an adult now and I no longer feel helpless against them. I can stand up to them and they can't put their shit on me anymore. Though I'm the villain now and that kinda sucks considering I went from being perfect in their eyes. I destroyed their image of everything they saw in me and I feel like myself for the first time but I have no family because of it. I will have to build my own.

Everyone in my family looks at me like I'm an asshole and none of them other than my dad want to see me truly succeed. And even then my dad will try to change my plans or will outright judge or insult them behind my back to my mom. I know this because that's how they all work. Then they get sick or get into a car accident or some shit because they are fucking mean. I don't know why I keep going back. When I disconnect from them I feel so much anxiety, sadness, and hate and it's hard to focus on anything else. I hope there's a day where I can just let go or talk to them without feeling so fucked up. Self harm or self hate maybe? Self sabotage? Layers of bullshit that needs to go. Too much manipulation. Sometimes I wish they would just die so I can move on and get some relief.

I guess the end of this is just me wishing I had a supportive and loving family. One where I don't have to be fake to avoid making people upset or afraid.

[conceptalbon]

drop the all hunger all restraint and poised bones annotated playlist bestie

i wanted to actually link the full spotify playlist here but i don't want to doxx myself and remaking it would take ten thousand years SO i'm going to add my comments here and link it later cool cool

1. i'm a fool to want you by billie holiday

this aligns with soulbond!george so perfectly in my head. his perspective on the whole relationship is that it's doomed from the start; he knows alex is not in love with him since before they share their first kiss, he knows this relationship will end before it even starts.

he promises himself he will end it on multiple occasions and yet he can't bring himself to do it. he wants to minimize the heartbreak of losing alex by breaking it off on his own terms but every time the possibility of it becomes real (especially during the infamous George Bakery Breakdown or, as we in the business call it, the gbb) he falls apart.

'i'm a fool to want you // pity me, i need you // i know it's wrong, it can't be right // but right or wrong i can't get along without you'

like come onnnnn it was ghostwritten by sb!george

2. wish on an eyelash by mallrat

i found this when i was nearing the end of the writing process already and went insane over how well it works with sb!au. literally almost every line is about them my god. but especially 'made a wish on my birthday // talk about you to heaven // i plan my days all around ya // planets orbit around ya'. it's so short but it talks about yearning and devotion in such a specific and hard-hitting way

it also works very well with a certain space au. 'i was lost till i found ya'? yeah.

3. futile devices by sufjan stevens (original version)

ah yes the song about how words fail when your feelings are too strong. in a story about characters whose feelings are so strong they literally develop a telepathic bond because they can't use their words. i am SORRY okay i love sufjan so so so much and age of adz is an incredible album and this song specifically creates a mood like no other does. this might be at the top of my spotify wrapped this year with how much i've listened to it and i adore the word choices in it and i am insane over it forever and always.

4. the bug collector by haley heyndericks

everything i write i write to spread our 'alex cares so much' agenda. i've done a tiny bit of director's commentary about him in the ao3 comments already but i will literally talk about him for hours if anyone will listen. the thing with alex in this fic is that he has never wanted anything without reaching for it with both hands. that's his modus operandi, which george correctly identifies (and incorrectly decides that alex not fighting for him means alex does not want him). BUT alex believes that he came on too strong when it was unwanted, thinks he has hurt george by displaying affection so directly and so he tries to tone down how intense he is as not to scare or hurt him further. still, he can't just Stop Loving him and defaults to acts of care that can be interpreted as more platonic (not really but that's what he thinks). he makes george avocado toast when he can't sleep, he skips his own debrief because he feels george's fear, he kisses his temple telepathically (god) when george is having a breakdown in the bathroom. he cares so much. in the words of haley heyndericks he must make him the perfect morning. he doesn't know how to do it any other way!

note also: alex saying 'you can be angry at the way i've expressed it but not at the feeling itself, george. i know you're not cruel enough for that' which is so important to me and which i can write an essay about because outward expressions of inner processes are The main theme of this fic and i have thought about this so much while writing. good god.

honorable mentions: flight risk by tommy lefroy (thee doomed from the start anthem! 'i wanted to be something you couldn't put down but i'm already gone' pleaseeeee), waltz right in by matt maeson (the second most listened to song in this whole playlist after futile devices, i'm so so so insane about it), gregory alan isakov's whole discography (very very galex coded!! gregory what a legend you are)

[thecottageinthedark]

#this post made by childcare gang#like ok. here is the thing.#virtually all child misbehavior consists of#1. 'I'm BORED and I can't leave this environment/didn't choose to be here so I'm looking for something to do'#2. 'I'm angry hurt or scared and I can't process this feeling very well so I'm going to lash out'#3. 'I'm lonely and want attention/I have a very fragile sense of self at this age and I don't know how to exist without someone focusing#on me; I need you to acknowledge that I'm playing on the monkey bars / bouncing a ball because this is how I ask to be okay'#and grown-ups do this all the time in ways we don't usually consider misbehavior because they have more resources to offset it

Okay so here's the take.

I don't trust people who hate kids, but I also don't trust people who refuse to believe that you can be bad with kids or incompatible with parents.

I don't trust people who hate kids, but I understand that on a root societal level people don't properly respect childcare as anything that can be difficult or kids as something you're allowed to not want to have or spend time with.

I don't trust people who hate kids, but I have patience and forgiveness for people who come to the point of saying they hate kids because they're not allowed to say "kids are fine, but not for me" because unless they turn this answer uglier and uglier people will keep trying to talk them out of it because having children is treated much like romance- nobody is allowed to think "that hard" about it or practice it in any sort of """aberrant""" manner but also everyone has to always do it because otherwise we'd have to independently negotiate our relationship with it and that's scary, so it gets turned into a norm that its most enthusiastic defenders all joke about hating anyway.

Kids cannot help but need you. They are not monsters. They're just humans at their most vulnerable. I think everybody should work to gain the skills to make cohabitation with children as mutually painless as possible. That's the baseline I think you can reasonably require as other people. Kids are in society, that's where they should be, and if you are driven to fury by this notion you may be exhibiting an intolerance of vulnerability that probably bleeds over into other areas of your life, maybe examine that.

Nobody is ever obligated to have kids, nobody is ever obligated to like being around kids, nobody is ever obligated to want kids. If someone doesn't think they'd be a good parent it is not your job to talk over this.

Producing a child isn't a badge that you're a real grown-up. (also, holy hell, fathers should have a meaningful stake in their kids' lives, but that's a different issue)

Nobody should have kids unless they earnestly and wholeheartedly commit to it and nobody should take it upon themselves to get on their friends', neighbors', relatives', acquaintances' case about So When Are You Gonna Change Your Mind And Have Kids

but don't take that out on the kids themselves, guys? Kids live in the same reality as adults but they have less experience, less control over where they're going or what they experience, and less ability to separate what's happening right now from what is true of all reality forever. This can be super frustrating to deal with from the outside but I guarantee it is worse from the inside.

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

I Need You

A/N: This was found on Pinterest, so if you're the owner, let me know so I can give you the credits.

Pairing: Daryl Dixon X Reader

Word count: 2 K

Requested by anons: 1- I'm like super in love with a certain Daryl Dixon and I was wondering if you could write about them getting into a big argument and they like avoid eachother for a while (super angsty if you care lol) and then Carol and Rick just kinda make yall talk and it ends fluffy? 2 - Can i request a daryl x reader where the reader’s been with the group since atlanta, maybe set during when they’re at the prison?? daryl realizes he has a crush on the reader and just p a n i c s ? and just really sweet fluff????

Summary: After you almost get bit, Daryl loses his mind and lashes out on you. Tired of the constant arguments, the group finds a way to out you two together to try and fix things up.

{The Walking Dead Masterlist}

×

“Yer almost got bit!” Daryl shouts, voice echoing through the prison. “Yer too damn stubborn, yer not goin’ on runs anymore.” He has his back at you as you follow him, struggling to keep his pace.

“I had everything under control.” You complain, ignoring Carol's questioning stare.

You, Daryl, and Maggie went on a run earlier today. Not too far, just to get some more formula for Judith. A walker fell from the roof, and it happened to be on a specific place Daryl told you not to go. The thing's teeth got a little too close to your arm, and Daryl shot an arrow through its head.

“Ya sure did!” He stops, turning around and pointing a finger at you. “If I weren't near ya, I'd be carryin’ ya back here with a freakin’ bite.” His voice gets louder, and you never saw Daryl so... Angry. So pissed. He's scaring you. “Or would ya have me cut her damn arm off? How does that sound?”

“Stop yelling at me!” You burst out, giving his chest a push.

“I'll stop yellin’ when ya understand how stupid and dangerous that was!” He steps forward, towering over you and you never felt so small.

“We needed those antibiotics!”

“Well, I freakin’ need ya. I need ya alive! Alive and well and breathin’.” Daryl shouts, right at your face. But the moment the words come out, he stops, stepping back. He seems confused, taken aback by something. “Screw that, I need a break from savin’ yer ass.” And then, he leaves, walking fast.

Huffing, you turn around, going to your cell.

You take the longest shower you can, washing the sweat and all the disgusting things the dead left on your skin. But most of the time, you were already done, dressed, and dried. You just wanted to be away from everyone. But eventually, you have to walk out. And of course, Carol finds you on your way back to your cell.

“(Y/N), I–”

“Daryl is such an asshole.” You say cutting her off and dropping on bed. “Did you see that? Did you see how he yelled at me? As if he has the right to do so.” Getting back up you pace around.

“I just think–”

“You know what? He can go to hell.” Throwing both hands in the air, you complain. “He and his crossbow, and-and his super hot stare and the stupid angel wings vest. And the bike too. All it. Straight to hell!”

“Aren't you just–”

“Uhg! Damn it.” Crossing your arms, you sigh. “Did you hear him forbidding me to go on runs?” With your hands now on your hips, you stare at Carol. “As if! Who the hell does he think he is? My boyfriend? To hell with him.”

“Will you let me talk?”

“Sure, go ahead.” Shrugging your shoulders, you nod.

But she doesn't say anything, she just takes a deep breath and shakes her head lightly. “Look, why don't you calm down first, and then we talk.” Carol gestured at the bed and you sit down, sighing. “Good... Try to relax and deal with it after a good night's sleep.”

“I could sleep a thousand years and I'd still be mad at Daryl.” You mutter as she leaves, lying on your back with your eyes closed.

You don't know where all this anger comes from, but it's always there, waiting to flow out. You do care about him, maybe too much, but it doesn't mean he gets to yell and boss you around like that. “Asshole!” You shout one last time, arms crossing as you drown in anger.

“I saw it,” Daryl exclaims, pacing around the guard tower, breathing and talking fast. “I saw her dyin’. I saw that thing bitin’ her, tearin’ her flesh.”

“She's fine, Daryl. You don't have to keep thinking about it.” Rick tries to calm him down, both hands raised at the archer.

“No, ya don't understand.” It's useless though. Daryl is a mess. He got into the shower as soon as (Y/N) got out, rubbing the walker's blood out of his skin. But after that, he went straight to Rick because he needs to vent. He needs to yell and understand why he feels so damn scared.

Why he feels like a switch was turned on, lighting up something that was there all along, but only now was brought to light.

Losing anyone from his group, from his family would hurt bad.

But he just found out that losing her would be far worse.

“I her dyin’, man.” He slows down, both hands on his head. “I saw her dyin’ and–”

“You love her.”

“What the hell, Rick?” He snaps, a hand violently gesturing at his friend.

“You might not want to admit it, but it's true. You know it.” Rick nods, a hand casually resenting on his holster. “We all know it since Atlanta. She loves you too.”

Daryl grunts, turning his back at Rick. “Yer crazy. And so is she.”

“You should sit and talk like civilized people.”

“I ain't gonna talk to her. Crazy chick.” He mutters, grabbing his crossbow a bit tighter. “She ain't goin’ on runs anymore. At least not without me.”

“Daryl–”

“Gotta go.” The archer cuts him off, leaving the guard tower at a fast pace.

He didn't like the ideas Rick put in his head.

“Rick wants to make a room for Carl and Judith on the second floor,” Carol says as you climb the stairs next to her. “So we're cleaning up the cells.”

“Alright.” You don't really want to help. Not today at least. The nap you took didn't help much with the last issue, and you're considering going out tomorrow, just to clear your head a bit. “What do you need me to do?”

“We're just setting things up.”

“Mmm.” You mutter, running a hand through your hair as you follow her pace. Carol takes you to the very back of the corridor, to a pretty isolated cell. “You gonna put the kids here? This cell sucks. It's too–” You stop talking when you see Daryl inside, eyes-rolling. “Look, I won't help if he helps.” It sounds childish, but you don't care. You're far too pissed at the man to be near him.

“Look, I don't care if you guys argued.” Rick walks over you, friendly touching your arm. “You two just have to get your shkt together.” And you're suddenly pushed, almost stumbling inside the cell.

“What the hell?” You shout, but the moment you move, Rick pulls the bars close locking you inside. “Rick, drop it. I'm not joking.” Holding the bars, you shoot him and Carol an angry stare. “Open up.”

“There are blankets and dinner will be brought to you,” Carol says, arms crossed. “We did that because it's the only way to force you guys to talk.”

“Yeah. You'll have the whole night to figure out whatever has you both always at each other's throat.” Rick adds, sliding the key into his pocket. “Have a nice time.”

And like that, both jerks leave, talking something you can't hear. Sighing, you lay your forehead on the cold metal bars, not wanting to look at your company for the night.

“Yer can take the bed.” He says after a while.

“Obviously.” You're quick to snap. “It's your fault we're here in the first place.”

“How's that?”

“If you didn't come back from the run making a hell of a show about something that didn't even happen, we wouldn't be locked up in here.” Turning around, with both hands on your hips, you stare at him.

“If ya had listened to me, ya wouldn't have–”

“And why in the hell do I have to listen to you, Dixon? I know my way out there as well as you do.”

“ ‘Cause I jus’ wanna keep ya safe.” He's yelling again, stepping forward.

“Stop acting like I mean anything to you!” With a finger on his face, you move closer to him. You wish you could look intimidating, but being so small, that's very difficult.

“Maybe ya do mean somethin’ ta’ me! How could ya know that if ya never ask!”

“Well, I–” The answer is cut short when your furious brain processes what he just said. Furrowing your eyebrows together, you shrug your shoulders. “What do you mean?”

“Nothin’.”

“Daryl, what do you mean?” Raising your voice again, you follow him as he moves further into the cell. “What would you answer if I ask?”

“I ain't gonna answer.”

“Daryl–”

“I ain't gonna answer!” He shouts again, turning around to look at you.

Taking a deep breath, you sit on the edge of the bed, folding a leg under you. “Do you hate me?”

“What?”

“Do you hate me, Daryl?” Your voice is lower now because you do want to know.

He remains silent for a while, those blue eyes locked on yours. “No.”

“Then why–”

“I can't lose ya.” He bursts out, eyes now looking at the floor. “At that moment back there, I... I saw it happenin’. I saw ya dyin’, and I... I can't lose ya. I can't see ya gettin’ hurt.”

His voice is so low you can barely hear it. You've never seen Daryl so... Scared. Vulnerable. “You can't protect me all the time, Daryl. Accidents happen.”

“I can. I can keep ya safe if ya listen to me.” You're about to protest when Daryl comes to sit next to you, eyes on the wall across the cell. “I know ya can survive out there. But my mind works in a thousand different ways ta’ get stuff done without anyone gettin’ hurt. I need ya ta’ trust me. Ta’ believe I can keep ya safe.”

“But I need you to believe me too. To believe I can do this.” Turning your body towards him, you friendly touches his arm. “Daryl, I... I like you... A lot. And I admire you, I trust you. You taught me so much and I need you to trust me. I promise I'll be more careful, but I need you to–”

“Don't go out there without me.” He suddenly says, voice heavy. “I trust ya. Yer brave and strong. But if ya go out there and I can't keep my eyes on ya... I'll lose my damn mind.”

“Alright.” Nodding, you sigh, smiling a little. “Just don't yell at me again, Daryl Dixon.”

“Yer almost died and I... Damn it, (Y/N), –”

“I like you too, Dixon.” Standing up to your feet, you smile, looking down at him. “You don't have to say if you don't want to, just... Let's get this over with. The world is a freaking mess and if you like me and I like you we should be together.” You can't believe you're saying this, after so long. But it feels good. You feel good, secure. “Just let me know what you want.”

“Ya.”

“Me?”

“Yeah.” He nods, blue eyes locked on yours.

“Alright.” Mirroring his head movement, you clear your throat, cheeks burning. After a few seconds of silence, you walk to the bars. “RICK! CAROL! Daryl and I are dating now, can we go?” You yell, and the low chattering downstairs goes silent.

“Would it be so bad ta' stay locked in here with me for a night?” Daryl asks, and you turn around, biting your lip to hold back a smile.

“Absolutely not.” Shrugging your shoulders, you slowly move to the bed, climbing on and lying down. “I'm actually sleepy and it's cold so it'll be nice to have someone to warm me up at night.”

“Don't push it.”

“I'm not.” Giggling, you feel as he lies down, close enough so his shoulder is touching your back. “Night, D. It was good to sort things out with you.”

“Good night, pretty girl.” He mutters and you smile, eyes closing and sleep easily overcoming you, thanks to the amazing feeling of having Daryl lying next to you.

[dykethevvitch]

ITS LITERALLY LIKE THREE ACTS!!! Like three whole songs in one song, it COULDA been three songs but they made it one cause they knew what they were doing. please tell me about it being three acts about trauma.

OKAY so when listening to the song, it's easy to tell when the acts begin and end, each one has a very distinct style. Act 1 is very very slow. Act 2 is rhythmic, you can feel every beat. Act 3 is fast and jig-like. And you could even go as far as to say each act has one of the stages of grief (depression, bargaining, and anger, in that order.) Though I'm not a 100% confident on that and literally just thought of it while writing this.

Act 1 is the start of the song through the first singing of the chorus. There are multiple lyrics referencing hollowness ("Through the roles that the millions/Of hollering hollow folk know how to play," "They’re just shadows searching for light," "Then the hollow folk come") which, combined with the almost sluggish music is why I think this part is about depression.

Act 2 starts at "Somehow now I'm drinking and I'm lifting my glass/To that last good man grace" to the second singing of the chorus. Like I said this is bargaining. There's a lot of back and forth, starting with "and I laugh/Cause laughing right now, it’s all, it's all that I have" and "I can't do this you don't understand." But it's contrasted with lyrics like "Yet broken still you breathe/So breathe, breathe just breathe." And it finishes with the chorus, which unlike in the first act includes the "and I'll take my fucking time" line, which does a really good job of propelling it into less moping and more to moving forward. Overall the it acts as an in-between for acts 1 and 3.

Act 3 starts with "Let's bury this" after the second singing of the chorus and lasts until the end of the song. The "let's bury this" sets the tone for this act, a sort of desperation to move past it all. The act is angry. From lyrics like "Cause I when I stand oh those folks will run" to the the frantic feeling music. This is my favourite part of the song. It has layers. The top layer is angry and lashing, ("now I'm leading doesn't that just scare you to death," "Cause I when I stand oh those folks will run,") it makes you want to set fire to something. But underneath that is desperation and a feeling like the anger is a mask to the sadness so present in the previous 2 acts. Let's bury it, after all.

The reason I say this creates a story about trauma is because the song feels like a reaction. That someone did something (what that is I couldn't say, but what the trauma is exactly isn't the point anywho) and this is what comes after. The sadness, leading to helplessness, followed by an understanding ("And I forgive them at last" from the pre-chorus in act 2), and finally to anger and a desire for revenge. The lyrics I think most illustrate this are "And I’m learning to be so much more than my tiredness," "Yet broken still you breathe/So breathe, breathe just breathe," "Don’t you think I look pretty curled up on this bathroom floor," and of course the chorus. Specifically the versions in the 2nd and 3rd acts, "Cause you are in the earth of me/You are in the earth of me/My head’s not yours it’s mine/And I’ll take my fucking time/Cause I know, I know, I know." This has become apart of him, and he'll deal with it how he deals with it. It's a pain filled retaking of what was lost when he was hurt.

(Tangent Zone: the fact that "I'll take my fucking fucking time" is only in acts 2 and 3 has to mean something. And my guess is that those are the only acts where there seems to be any sort of reaction other than wallowing in a bed like in act 1. Act 2 being coping through alcohol as there's 2 different lyrics about lifting/drinking from a glass. Act 3 being more emotional, the overwhelmingness of the whole thing like he's just now processed it and isn't dealing with it well)

[allthemenofmydreams]

Euro Final - Ben Chilwell

This whole tournament has been full of ups and downs for Ben. Starting with his absence from the bench in England's first game, everything seemed to be going well in the next one when Southgate finally put him on the bench. But as I said, all seemed to go well because, after that game, Ben had to isolate himself, and if things weren't already difficult just because he couldn't see his family. Now he was deprived of seeing, and training with, his teammates. He had to stay alone in his room.

I always admired Ben for his strong mentality and positivity, but with everything that has happened to him these past few weeks, I started to worry about his mental health. He had to miss a game, and in the next game, when his isolation was over. He reappeared off the bench. Honestly, I lost faith that Ben was going to be able to make his major tournament debut after being isolated for having contact with his clubmate Billy Gilmour who tested positive for Covid.

If I lost my faith, I couldn't imagine how Ben would feel. Every time we talked on the phone or FaceTime, I knew we were both lying. I knew he was trying to sound positive about all this stuff and that it would be a matter of time before I saw him play. Because that's what I told him and what he told me, I don't think either of us wanted to face that reality, so we lied to ourselves in a way that didn't hurt us.

Every time I hung up, I started crying. And every time I saw England's starting line-up, I was pissed off. I was angry because I knew they were wasting Ben's talent. After all, he had had an incredible first season with Chelsea and because he played a big part in the Champions League final. I knew Ben deserved to play, more than some of his teammates, I knew he had all the weapons to prove he deserved to play in the Euro, yet they deprived Ben of playing and showing his skills.

As England progressed in the tournament, I had a lot of mixed feelings; I was sad, angry, and happy. And when England beat Denmark in the semifinals, I was very happy. I felt this would be Ben's chance, or at least I was trying to convince myself. I was happy for him because after everything he's been through in this process, and playing or not, he deserved it as much as the rest of the team because they were all making history.

The final match arrived and I was on my way to Wembley Stadium, wearing my England jersey with my boyfriend's last name on it. I had a knot in my stomach, my palms were sweating, and all the noise was overwhelming. After being stuck at home for so long with no social contact, this was a bombshell for me and was making me anxious. If it wasn't for Ben's message, I definitely would have freaked out.

Ben

"Breathe in and out Y/N."

Your message came at the best time. As I inhaled and exhaled, I imagined a moment of Ben, so I could relax. Eventually, that relaxed me. I started breathing normally and feeling better.

"We're not together but I know all these people are going to scare you. It's more than we're used to in the last few games, and it's a hurricane after over a year of not socializing... And I don't want you to pass out again."

After a long time watching the games from home, when we finally had the opportunity to go and watch a game, which was also the FA Cup final. The number of people that attended to watch the game was not even half of the number of people that attended today. That day, I remember I was walking down the aisle to enter the stadium when I started to gasp for breath. We were still in an open area, but all those people made me feel like I was in a room where the walls were squeezing in. I was also wearing a mask that made breathing difficult, and a few seconds later, everything went black. The last thing I remember is waking up in the team infirmary, and at halftime, Ben went to see if I was okay.

Another message brought me back to reality.

"I'm off the bench again, but I trust this team, and I know we're going to bring it home. Besides, I don't mind not playing if I'm finally going to get to hug you."

I read his message and replied to it as I walked around the stadium to find my seat. I was sad for him because all his chances of playing were now zero.

Me "Oh, babe. I'm sorry to hear that, but I know you'll make the country proud. I'm so sad that my vacation break from you is coming to an end."

I replied sarcastically. I couldn't wait to feel his strong arms wrapping around me. I was eager to feel his warm body and his perfume, I mean his perfume is all over our house, but it sure isn't the same. It's not the same fragrance when it comes from Ben's body.

Ben "If you prefer, you can stay at home while I go to Ibiza."

Me "I'm not letting u go without me."

Ben "If your good to me, maybe I can take u with me."

Me "I think it should be all the opposite."

We exchanged a couple more messages until I found my seat and the game started. Minute 2 and England scored! Luke Shaw gave us the lead. It was too early to think about the trophy but, it gave us hope. Unfortunately, in the second half, Italy scored and tied the game. Time passed, and it went to extra time, which led to penalties.

We were waiting for the penalties. My heart was racing, my hands were sweating, and my stomach was burning. From goals and missed shots, happiness turned to sadness. We lost, England lost. Italy was now the new champion of Europe.

As soon as the ceremony was over. I ran to the room where the post-match dinner with the families was to be held, and where the players would finally see and have contact with their families. I couldn't wait to see my man, to hug him, but most of all to comfort him. It was a hard blow, but I was proud of him and the whole team.

I opened the door and looked for number 21. Ben's number. I was about to take a step when a voice behind me stopped me.

"Looking for me?"

I turned around immediately. I knew that voice perfectly well. It was the voice I had missed for over a month. I rushed into Ben's arms and burst into tears.

"I missed you!" I murmured into the crook of his neck.

"I missed you too, like crazy." He kissed my forehead. "These days have been hard without you."

"I know, and I'm sorry for what happened, although I'm still proud of you."

"None of that matters anymore, when I can finally be with you" we both smiled. I was more than happy to finally see that beautiful withe smile and those blue eyes that made me fall in love every day. "Shall we get in?"

"Yup," I said, taking his hand. "A well-deserved dinner. I still can't believe you guys made it to the finals."

"It didn't end the way we hoped, but it's still something I'll never forget, and I'm proud of what we accomplished."

After all of Ben's ups and downs, I was glad to see him smiling and positive. I could tell he was looking forward to the vacation because I was too. He has worked so hard these past few months that he deserved a break.

We walked into the lounge to join the rest of the guests.

[theweirdwideweb]

I'm feeling so sad about this whole thing and I don't have anyone to talk to so I guess it's you, internet.

This evaluation was horrific. First they had me lay on my side and they stuck sensors on either side of my butthole. They inserted a catheter and told me to squeeze, relax, and then push like I was trying to poop. This process repeated 6 times, each time pulling it out 1 centimeter to get different readings. I didn't have a correct understanding of the balloon test going in. What they actually did is start inflating the balloon and I had to tell them 1) when I could first feel it, 2) when it felt like I had to poop, and 3) when it felt like an emergency run-for-the-bathroom type poop. Okay so that's all bad enough. Next they take me to a room with a big scanning machine. I lay down on my side and they used a syringe to fill up my ass and pussy with a viscous barium solution intended to mimic the texture of feces. I'm laying on my side on the horizontal bed, then the whole bed starts going vertical I have to let myself slide onto a "toilet" they set up underneath me. I don't know if I'm describing this well enough but the entire table is now vertical and I'm sitting on a toilet seat over a bucket with the table to my right and the scanner to my left. They tell me to try and poop it out so I'm pooping this white barium solution in front of these doctors until I say I can't get anything else out. They have my step off the machine, NO WIPING, and sit on another toilet they have set up which is just a toilet seat sitting over a mirror. I had to push like I was pooping with this doctor looking in the mirror at my asshole.

Finally they gave me some babywipes and a pad and I could put my clothes back on. Went into the next room to hear my results. So. I have pelvic floor dysfunction.

My puborectalis muscle, shown here, is frozen tight. My asshole is extremely good at clamping shut, normal at relaxing, but when I try to evacuate it causes my sphincter to clench. I think I'm trying to open my butthole, but it' s closing tighter instead. That's why I can only pass very very soft stool unaided. Sometimes I've noticed that it comes out looking skinny like noodles and I guess that's why. Not only that, but it's cause my rectum to prolapse internally. Here's an example marked "R".

This is why I've had to use a thumb up the puss to manually evacuate, because I have a prolapsed rectum. I have to get physical therapy to unfreeze my puborectalis muscle, god knows how, and then I need surgery to fix the prolapse.

I'm just so depressed. It's not like I need any more proof that I have complex PTSD, but it's genuinely shocking to see it manifest this way inside my body. My poor abused body. I've been walking around with this muscle malfunctioning, not being able to use the bathroom, damaging my internal organs, for 25 years. I searched it on the C-PTSD board and other people say the physical therapy is triggering but has changed so much about their bodies---how they walk, how they experience sex. I just feel like giving up. I'm so so so so broken. My brain is broken, my body is broken. I'm turning 37 in 2 weeks. My youth has passed me by while I was busy being a drug addict, alcoholic, traumatized, hurting, angry, and wound up so tight inside. I know this isn't a rational thought but I keep thinking, What's even the point of trying to fix myself now? My life is halfway over already and the 2nd half isn't the point. I'm single, significantly mentally ill, fat and misshapen, I have a prolapsed rectum from being sexually abused, I have body dysmorphia and I'm scared of men. No one has ever been in love with me and no one ever will. It's the one thing I want and it's like there's this thousand foot tall steel barrier of sickness keeping me out. All I want is for someone to hold me and care about me and to stay. What's the point of anything without that? I'll be okay I just needed to express this.

So I haven't been able to poop normal for about ~25 years. Chronic constipation since Y2K, can you imagine it? I had to get an appendectomy at 15 for impacted stool! Years went by and I've always just dealt with it taking laxatives, enemas, suppositories, or honestly been so disconnected from my body that I just let it go. I'm talking when I'm not taking laxatives I poop maybe once a week and it's terrible. Miserable all the time. I had a colonoscopy last month, then a followup with a GI specialist. We talked about what's wrong with my butt and settled on pelvic floor dysfunction. Essentially my muscles are weak down there and my butthole can't open all the way. I've got to stick a thumb up my puss to help evacuate manually (I literally have no idea how males deal with this issue). Tomorrow I'm going in for my official pelvic floor examination. They're going to stick a catheter up my asshole, inflate a balloon, and see if I can poop it out. I'm depressed though because guess what? In my case it's 99% probability that this dysfunction was caused by abuse. I got molested so hard as a kid that I haven't been able to poop since 9/11. I make jokes ya know, hee hee haw haw 9/11, etc, but that's actually so fucked up. I honestly don't think I will be able to poop this balloon. I think they're going to have to extract it manually.

[vannybarber]

Prank Backfired

Summary: This idiot plays too much.

Christopher Jamal Evans x Black Reader

Warnings: cursing, weaponry, mentions of cheating, threats of christopher jamal evans' life.

Chris, the most mischievous man you know, decided to upgrade that status and play a prank on you. A stupid one might you add.

You walk through the door after a long day of work. Even though you loved what you did and it paid amazing money, it could drain the hell out of you. You set everything down and kick off your shoes in the hall, heading towards the couch and plopping down.

Chris comes through into the living room and identically plops down beside you. You slackly move over to kiss him.

"Hey bubba", you say, but before you could reach his lips, he quickly leans back with a hardened look on his face. Confused you lean back as well.

"Chris, what's wrong?" He takes a deep breath, which does not help your racing heartbeat whatsoever, and starts talking.

"I'm just gonna be straight with it. I've been seeing this girl, well sleeping with her, for a few weeks now."

If looks could kill, you'd be sentenced life without parole for murder in the first, second and third degree. But hearing his words had you feeling all types of emotions. Angry, hurt, confused, flabbergasted, scared even, just to name a few.

"It was eating me up inside and I just had to come out and say it. I couldn't hold it from you anymore." He was fiddling with his hands and not even looking at you. It was quite strange because if he had something important to tell you, he would always look you in the eye.

"Who is she? Do I know her?" Your leg is bouncing and you're cracking your knuckles trying to hold it together.

"It was that waitress from Durty Nelly's on Blackstone. When you went to the bathroom, she slipped me her number."

"That bleach blonde, trailer-park trash, cousin-fucking tramp with those ugly cut out shorts and uneven boobs?" Oh there was no way in hell he cheated on you with that. Something was up.

But then you remembered. You never went to that bathroom because ew. You were considering it and you got up only to make 2 steps before sitting back down. And that girl was 2 booths down from y'all. There was no way she 'slipped him her number'. This motherfucker was lying.

"Yep.." he bites both lips. "That's her. Look babe, I'm sorry. I truly am. I don't know what I was doing. You know I have a habit on hopping from one thing to another." The fucking nerve of this fool. He finally looks at you and he honestly deserves all his success because he's really pulling this prank off.

"Well, I don't really have anything to say to you right now. I'm just gonna get my shit and go. You cheat on me with the literal definition of vile and expect me to forgive you like that? I mean out of all the people in this world, Christopher."

Still playing into his prank, you get up and walk towards the bedroom. He follows suite, totally thinking he's the shit pulling one on you, but things were about to get interesting. You turn into the bedroom going straight for the closet.

"Listen Y/N, I don't want to lose you okay? I just can't seem to let go of her. She's addicting, if I'm being honest." You just shake your head and chuckle. If you didn't know this was a prank, he'd probably be in intensive care right now.

"Baby boy, that is fine. You don't gotta worry about me anymore."

You move around his duffle bag and your never ending boxes of shoes until you find the one box you're looking for. You pull out the Yatch Club Vans box and set it on the island in the closet.

"You know, I don't know how you could cheat on me. I mean, besides the fact that I'm literally the best person over, look at me. Look at this fine black queenyou got standing infront of you. This shape is unique and very much rare. It don't get no better than this, honey. That's a fact."

You open the box and stare at your Glock 19. Yes, you had a gun. No, he didn't know about it. But he was about to find out now. You pull it out and insert the magazine. In the process, you hear Chris very audibly gasp and you smirk to yourself.

"Y/N Y/MN Y/LN! What the hell are you doing with a gun?" He absentmindedly backs up out of fear, for you were a very unpredictable person that it was actually scary.

"At first it was just for safety. I learned how to use it and everything. But since my mans wants to go out and have an affair, don't you think we should end it with something for you to truly remember me by?" By the time you're done talking, the gun is loaded and ready to be used. Only you had it on safety, of course.

"Babe listen calm down. For real Y/N. Look okay I was just joking. It's-it's just a prank. I didn't cheat I swear!" He has his hands up like he's surrendering, but pushing you away. Probably because you have the gun pointing to him. Gosh, this was so fun.

"Yeah sure it is. You can't even lie right. Well, one of us isn't making it out alive and I'm sure it's the one without the gun." You evilly smile and move closer to him. You lowkey feel really bad because your puppy is legitimately scared out of his little mind.

"Baby please listen to me. I was just joking! I would never cheat on you. I mean look at you. Why would I want that walking Pacific Ocean when I have you? I would never hurt you like that. You gotta believe me. I promise, just put the gun down please."

You tried to hold on for a few more minutes, but he was near tears and it tugged at your soft heart. You lower the gun and take it back apart.

"That didn't feel so good did it? I knew it was a prank. I just wanted to get you back." You close the box and put it back in it's place. You turn to him with your hands on your hips.

"Y/N, that wasn't funny. Why would you do that?" He moves closer to you, now angry. But oh well.

"That feeling that you had in your chest, that anxiety and fear. That's what I was feeling when you told me you cheated. You know I have trust issues and that wasn't funny at all. I wanted you to feel the same way. Maybe I went too far, but it's a done deal now."

You brush past him and back into the room. When you get into it, he is right behind you and grabbing your arm.

"I'm honestly sorry okay. I was just messing around and I wasn't being considerate of your feelings. I didn't think it would affect you like this. I didn't mean to put you in that position." You smile at his apology, knowing he was truly sorry.

"I will admit, I went a little overboard, knowing full well it was a prank from the start. You're a smart man. You know what you got right here." You trail your hands down your body playfully and pose. He giggles and wraps his large biceps around you.

"I won't do this again. I promise." He leans down and connects your lips, finally giving you what you wanted since you stepped foot in the door. You pull back and look up at him.

"To redeem yourself, you can order me take out and grab that foot massager I just bought and get to work, peasant," you giggle out while he rubs your sides.

"Your wish is my command." He grovels at your feet.

"As it should." And with that you sashay away like that HBIC you were 💅🏾.

This scenario came up in my head this morning and I wrote all of it tonight. How great is that? Now I shall work on my Andy Barber fic 😌

masterlist

[nicholasthepunisher]

hi im still mourning netbop a little bit like i really did have a lot of fun with in spite of everything and totally wouldve loved to see where it was going ,, at the very least i do feel a little comforted by the fact im not in the total minority here and that there are a few other people who liked it too <:] which reminds me since we're not getting a s2 what were some things you wouldve liked to see in it?

i loved netbop a lot! i was very excited for its release and i had so much fun watching through it! even though it was flawed and misguided i enjoyed it for what it was and for the new things it brought to the table. i was incredibly glad it wasn't trying to be a one-to-one recreation cus if i wanted to see the anime again... well, i'd just watch the anime.

but for season 2 i was really hoping for julia to go off the fucking walls cus i think that's what she deserves, for gren to be more than a background character who for the most part appears to be there just to look nice (which they do but c'mon) and has some actual story happening for them, for the hammerhead to make an appearance, for more kimmie and jet screen time, and, in particular, to see what they would have done with andy cus i love that stupid bastard a lot and cowboy funk is honestly my favourite episode of the anime. (also i really wanted to see live action VT!!)

of course the main thing i would have loved to see in S2 is that prospective jetspike reunion after supernova symphony. jet feels like he could rip spike's head off with his metal arm for what he did, for how angry at him he is for all the trouble he caused, but as much as he feels like he wants to put a bullet in him he knows he'd never be able to do that cus he just loves him too much. jet's always forgiving when it comes to spike, so i think after he's taken some time to process everything that happened with him and kimmie and vicious he'll eventually come to realise he can't be - doesn't really want to be - mad at spike for the rest of his life. i assume ed would have brought them together again, probably having them meet up to try and catch vincent together, and i can imagine that for spike seeing jet after he basically told him to die and just abandoned him on the docks would be pretty intense regardless of whether or not he knew he would be meeting him again. i know jet would hurt him again, cus he's still so mad at him and spike would take whatever he says cus he's just so relieved to see him again. but jet relents eventually cus spike always has a way of worming his way back into jet's heart. he does it all the time.

i would have loved to see how john cho and mustafa shakir further developed spike and jet’s relationship and dynamic through that turmoil and inevitable resolution, especially when you consider spike's initial motive for withholding his past from jet; how he was scared of potentially hurting jet and by extension hurting them and their partnership. frankly i think that's delicious cus spike is so conflicted about it. would have loved to see him try to explain to jet how he didn't tell him about his past cus he thought he was protecting him only for jet to refer back to what happened in that church, to him and kimmie, to tell him Yeah, what a lot of good that did. spike deserves that to be honest, but again, jet will decide that he doesn't want to be mad at spike forever

i guess really i just wanted to see spike and jet more. they were what made netbop so so enjoyable for me and now i'm really upset i won't get to see anything more of them

[hot-wiings]

Leave An Ask Or Comment To Be Added To A Specific Characters Taglist.

Edited: 7-28-20

You paced the floor of your dorm room back and forth as you impatiently waited for a knock on your door. You held a stick in one hand, one that displayed two positive lines. In your other hand was your phone, displaying an urgent text to your boyfriend, Inasa Yoarashi.

We need to talk! It's important... [Sent: 2:34 PM]

Your phone displayed that he'd seen and opened your text, but you'd gotten no response from him. From the tone of your text, it sounded like you wanted to break up, but the contents of what you needed to tell him were much more heart wrenching and serious than that.

There was a knock on your door and you knew it was him. After years of dating Inasa, you could recognize the way he knocks on your door.

You walked up to your door and unlocked it for him to come in. You quickly moved the hand holding the stick behind your back. You knew it was stupid, you called him over here to tell him in the first place, but now that it was facing you in the face you were scared.

"Hey, are you okay? I heard you were sent to your dorm and excused from your classes because you were ill."

Your heart ached at the words you had to tell him. He was so worried for you, and you feared the bomb you were dropping on him would ruin the relationship you had, but he is your boyfriend and the father of the baby in your womb. He had to know.

"I'm... I'm pregnant."

The words just tumbled out with a stutter and there was no taking them back. The truth was out there for Inasa to take however he pleased.

"What...?"

"I'm pregnant! There is a baby inside me. Your baby."

"You... You can't be. We were careful! We always used protection."

"Accidents happen, with or without condoms. The only one hundred percent protection is abstinence."

You quietly looked at the floor as you let him process the bomb you dropped on him.

"We can't keep it, you know that right?"

"They're not an it, it's a them... For now at least until I get an ultrasound."

"You're thinking of keeping it? You can't be serious! What about our careers, your career. You won't go to school, you'll never become a hero. You'll spend the rest of your days, picking up trash and waiting tables, your life will be over."

You picked up your eyes from the ground and faced your lover. The hatred and hurt could be seen in your eyes. They were glassy, and tearful, but what Inasa said was too late to take back.

"Six hundred, sixty-four thousand, four hundred, and thirty-five babies are lost to abortion each year. Sure, maybe those women were living in poverty, but I'm not. I have the means to take care of the life growing in my belly. I made the decision to sleep with you, therefore I have to own up to my responsibility."

"No one would blame you if you got rid of it. You have a career to think about. Fuck, you're a Todoroki, your business is everyone's business, you have a reputation to think about."

"I don't give a shit about my Todoroki status! Did you know Steve Jobs was almost aborted? One of the smartest men in the world. Did you know Celine Dion was almost aborted? She was her mother's 14th child and she wasn't sure she could handle it, but she did, and now her daughter inspires people through lyrics. If you don't want this baby, then our hearts will go on fine without you."

"[Y/N]..."

You avoided his eyes and pointed to the door. Maybe you were just being emotional and overreacting to him, but you knew you had to have this child, with or without his help.

"You should leave."

As you watch Inasa walk out your door one thing was for certain in your mind. This baby would grow up without having to worry about financial support from Inasa or Enji. Single mothers all over the world were surviving, so could you.

Inasa stood outside your dorm room. Your door was wide open and there were boxes scattered around. You were scrambling about, folding clothes up and sorting items to boxes and bags.

"Hey..."

Your eyes flashed up to see Inasa. Shock flashed your face before quickly looking down at the box you were trying to fit clothes in.

"Hi... What are you going here?"

"I... I heard you were dropping out of school."

"Well, the school board made it known that I'm not welcome here pregnant."

Instinctively, your hands went to the small but noticeable baby bump. Inasas followed your hands and he stared down at the bump bulging out of your stomach. His child was in there. His child. A literally baby.

"How'd Enji take the news?"

"I cut ties to my father once my pregnancy was leaked to the tabloids. He was angry that I tarnished his name, I couldn't really give a shit."

You taped up the last box and made a movement to pick it up but Inasa swooped in front of you and lifted it before you could. He gave you a very sheepish expression.

"It's bad for the baby."

"Thought they were an it?"

"[Y/N], I'm sorry. I shouldn't have acted like that. It was irresponsible and out of line. You have to understand why I freaked... Babies require a lot of attention and needs. They have to be thought out and planned, that being said I've had time to think."

Inasa placed the box on the ground and knelt in front of you. He grabbed your hand cautious and carefully in case you rejected his display of affection. He placed a ring box in your palm as he started reciting the speech he prepared.

"I want to take responsibility. I want to be in this baby's life. I want to be in your life. I can't imagine doing this with anyone else... We can get a house and other mundane things. You can go back to school afterward. I want to do this together... If you'll have me."

"Inasa... Yes. Yes, I'll have you."

The months leading up to the final trimester of your pregnancy went great. You and Inasa found a three-bedroom apartment for a cheap price, and you even found a school that would take you despite the fact you'd be a teenage mother. UA high said it wouldn't be any issues considering you only had to finish up one semester, and the handwritten recommendation from your brother, Shouto, a stellar top student at UA put you into good graces.

"Do you want any tea?"

You looked up from your book to see your brother peering down at you with a soft smile.

During the process of your pregnancy, your brother really helped out. Shouto was constantly there for you when Inasa was gone. He forced you to be on bed rest while he retrieved things like entertainment and food for you. Truthfully, your mood swings scared him a little bit.

"I'm good Shouto, have a seat you don't have to cater to my every need."

"Tea is good for the baby."

"Your brother is right. When I was pregnant with you I'd drink a cup of chamomile every night."

Your mother walked into the room and took a seat by your feet. Ever since your mother was released from the mental institution she'd been living with you and Inasa. She'd been very supportive and nice over the pregnancy. She'd been very motherly, the kind of motherly you'd missed out in your childhood, but she was making up for lost time now.

You smiled at your mother when you felt a warm trickle at your legs. You grasped the now huge bump on your stomach as you gasped.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?"

Your brother was by your side in a minute, concern and worry displayed on his face as you turned to him with just as much panic.

"My water broke."

"What? But your not due til next week!"

"I don't think she gives a shit, because my water just broke."

Your mother blatantly ignores your brother's freak out and calmly knelt next to you.

"Sweetheart, we're hours away from any hospitals, if your having the baby your gonna have to give birth here."

"This baby wasn't planned in the first place, neither should the delivery. Let's do it."

"Shouto, get me some buckets of water, clean towels, and pillows."

Your mother helped you adjust your body so you were in a birthing position.

"You need to stay in this position until your dilated enough to push. Take deep breaths. I'll have your brother call Inasa."

You started to feel cramps and pain. Immense pain as your mother walked away and talked to your brother. Shortly, she returned with a grim expression.

"Inasa is stuck at his internship. They won't let him leave."

"Okay. It's okay. I have you. I have Shouto. It's okay."

Your mother guided you through the process of birth-giving. She helped you get into positions that would help induce a faster birthing.

"You need to take a deep breath and push. I can see the head nearing. Just give me one more big push."

Exhaustedly, you pushed just as your apartment door swung open.

"Where is she? Is she okay?"

The urgent sound of Inasa resounded throughout the apartment as Shouto directed him to you.

"I'm here. I'm here."

"What about your internship?"

"Screw them, I said I wanted to be in this together! My daughter is being birthed, I'm not missing it."

With one last push, your mother pulled your daughter out of you. She sniped the ambiblical cord and cleaned her up before wrapping the baby in the clean towels and bringing her around for you and Inasa to hold.

As you looked down at your precious bundle of joy you squeezed Inasas hand. Months ago you thought you'd be alone with this, you were scared and frightened but you weren't alone. You had Inasa, your brother, and your mother. They weren't going anywhere.

[watchinglikeafangirl]

Kiss Me Again - first reactions

Out of boredom, I started watching Kiss Me Again also because I've already watched Dark Blue Kiss. I saw many people saying both shows should be seen as two seperable things because some important details got lost on the way of making spin-off.

Let's see how much of a difference there actually is. From what I've heard, Pete is going to be very different. Anyway, here are my first reactions during the watching process:

Episode 1

Oh well, Pete is so different. He's a whole other person here. He's the typical cool guy who just wants to show off but at the same time, he's a bit socially awkward and I love it. This faked boredom and annoyment are only there because he doesn't know what to say when Kao is around and especially when they are alone because the atmosphere is just weird between them. Acting all annoyed is his way of socializing and I like it because I believve we all have weird tactics to try to lighten the mood or find a topic with peopl we don't know. Here, Pete is "annoyed" to look cool but I guess, he does this because he tries to find something they both can agree on and annoyment is the simpliest way. You can easily agree with people on negative emotions concearning a topic, so it's the easiest choice to pretend to be annoyed. What's funny here is that Kao is really not impressed by it and already knows Pete just wants to be cool. I think, Kao just doesn't like Pete in the beginning because he sees Pete is just pretending and is never true. I guess, that's why he will fall for him later, because they will probably have real talks and bonding moments.

Episode 2

Okay, Pete and Kao shared an awkward kiss and now things are even more weird. Here's one difference to the Pete I know from Dark Blue Kiss: he's not honest. Now, whenever Kao wants to address the kiss, Pete gets defensive and aggressive. Yes, it's probably because of his confusion but in Dark Blue Kiss, Pete always addresses everything - even the uncomfortable or negatively loaded topics - but not at this moment.

And also, I know, Pete is not the nicest person at this moment but he is really respectless. After the kiss, he stares into Kao's eyes in surprise, pulls away and then wipes his mouth in disgust more than once. As if Kao's lips and the taste of them are dirt on his lips and that's so disrespectful. Kao is obiously hurt by it and I would be too. Of course, you are allowed to not like a kiss but reacting so disgusted is very harsh.

Episode 3

And now, Pete is bullying Kao by isolating him from the group. He makes the others believe Kao doesn't like them, so he will end up being the king of the group since Kao is not the kind of person who talks about such things and just accepts the circumstances.

The scene between So and Sansuay in the parking lot was obviously not right bahavior on So's part because Sansuay was clearly uncomfortable being pressed against another car. She had no way out and I love the random dude walking by and just checking if she is okay. No romanticizing. Just a statement that this behavior is wrong.

Episode 4

Pete and Kao now claim to be "annoyed" of each other and all the other ones are still left wondering what the real problem is.

But at least, Pete confides to Sandee and confesses he only gets angry because of the kiss. I mean, we as the audience understand him better but I just find Sandee's frustration very amusing. Pete is obviously not realizing his feelings and is just helpless. Sandee is such a mood.

Until now, I really don't like R at all. He is pushing Sanwan around and invades her ersonal space all the time while saying he cares. Dude, if you care, don't force her, don't drag her into your car and especially don't kiss her when she doesn't want to.

Episode 5

Its just my speculation but I'm pretty sure Pete is bisexual because he has an ex-girlfriend (we know of) but seems to be attracted to both gender and he's not the kind of guy who falls for the personality or character of someone. The gender matters to him, I would say. But it's nice to see a bisexual character because mostly shows want to tell me that people are either homo- or heterosexual but there are obviously many other sexualities in between. Living in a gay relationship doesn't mean you define yourself as homosexual, real life doesn't work like that and I like they give us a character who is neither homo- or heterosexual.

What's going on with the men in that show? WHy are there so many red flags? Except for Kao, Mat and Sun, everybody pushes the women around and invades their personal space in a very uncomforting manner. Are they all going to "change"? I don't know if I will be able to believe them...

Episode 6

Mat's mother wants Sanson to "turn her son straight"? Okay, just gonna leave that there because I don't have words how wrong this thought is.

Oh, the scene which I saw many gifs of, happened. But I thought Pete and Kao would spend more time laying in the grass. I though this was a very romantic scene. But it's just a second long. But who cares, their relationship took a next step. They stop fighting and come to some sort of agreement (the agreement being that fighting is pointless). But somehow this scene feels like they broke the ice and finally found peace.

Episode 7

And again, a scene I've seen very often: the hospital. But it's really sweet they all went there because of Pete and wait all together until he can go home. That's real friendship and I think this show portrays their friend group really accurate because they are so natural with each other. They are a bunch of people thrown together who bond over weird fun talks at night and getting home drunk. Even though they are so different, they are loyal and trustworthy. It's heartwarming to see a group of friends be portrayed like this because mostly in shows, the protagonist has one really good friend and just a few people they know but are not very close to. but a group of friends is exactly this and it's rare on TV because showing a whole group bonding is difficult and also because they dynamic is totally different.

Episode 8

Kao (giving me the chills): Mint, even if he doesn't like you back, it doesn't mean you are not good enough. No matter how beautiful you are, no matter how good you try to be to him, if he's not into you, he's not the one for you.

I can't believe So gets away with stealing Sansuay's phone. She will never know it was him. I don't know what to think about him.

Epsiode 9

Sun flirting with Kao over coffee makes me cringe so much right now. This is uncomfortable and not as romantic as Sun may think it is. And then, Kao is scared Sun meant him, this is uncomforting to watch. Also, I really don't think Kao and Sun are a match. It doesn't fit at all and I hope it will be over soon.

What? Wayu wants to rape Sanwan? Did I miss something? How did we get here? I thought this was a warm show for teenagers. Now there's rape? I could deal with the sexual harassment even though that was not fine to watch, but rape? I'm confused how we got there? But of course, R saved her.

Not Mork casually cleaning his gun...

Episode 10

I love the fact Pete and Kao just quietly accept the fact they spend a night together. It happened and they can't change it. They don't even mention it and I'm relieved there's no "don't ever tell anybody" or something. It just happened and that's it. Nothing further to dicuss about it. Also, they made pretty clear already they have certain feelings for each other. The wuestio now is just how they are going to deal with this and if they will be in a relationship.

Kao: I will stop seeing other people when things between us become clearer.

Episode 11

I can't believe they actually address the bullying I mentioned before. Kao is very right when he says Pete needs to earn his trust because of the past. This is just right because you can't forget the past just because of romantic feelings. If you don't address the other person made you feel ad, you won't be able to move on from that and relationships are about trust, so I find this very mature and good for both of them. Pete needs to understand he hurt Kao in the past and can't just change his mind over night and Kao will say yes right away.

A planned engagement? Isn't that a bit old-fashioned? Sanwan and R don't know each other at all and why would their parents decide this for them. It doesn't look like it would be good for family's business or something. This seems so random.

And Wayu tries to rape Sanwan again? How? Why? And what is wrong with Sindee for initializing this? But of course, R saves her again.

Episode 12

Oh Mint. I always had mixed feelings about her and now i know for what reason. Is she fine? Making someone feel bad for leeting her go by threatening she would hurt herself is not healthy or normal or anything. That's a serious matter. No wonder, Pete feels like his life is messed up and is extremely stressed about it. And then, Mint woders why he's not comfortable at all and doens't see Pete just let her stay out of fear her threat might be the truth. Because he's a nice person. But Mint is just crazy and plays mind games.

I've never seen a drunk kiss be that cute and meaningful. They are just pure. Now, I really know why people love Pete and Kao so much. I already fell in love with their dynamic in Dark Blue Kiss but seeing the beginnings of their relationship tops that. This script is too good. They both know, the kiss meant a lot and I like they are way past the regretment state. Or at least, they don't regret the kiss. They regret they are not in a relationship which makes the atmosphere afterwards more sad and hurt. Again, they are so mature about this.

Mint took a picture? I can't with this woman.

Episode 13

Why did tehy not report Wayu? They are covering up a crime. And Sanwan doesn't seem to be traumatized which makes me wonder a lot. She is more than fine and I'm not buying Wanyu's apology at all.

And now Mint send the picture to Pete's dad. Does she have no shame? It's not her right to out Pete. That's a thing between Pete, his dad and Kao. Mint has and nothing to do with it and shouldn't have ever. She took Pete's power away by letting his dad now. Things were in Pete's hands and I hope Pete will tell mint very clearly she had no right to do that and her behavior is wrong.

Wow, Pat has guts. Telling your best friend you like them even though you know they don'yt like you is very brave. I love Mat being so cool with it because it's obviously a hard moment for Pat to outlive.

Episode 14

I love Pete's dad. They both were so scared but he doesn't say anything and I like what he says. He talks with them like they are adults (which they are) and doesn't talk to them like they are kids who don't know anything. They don't need to be lectured by their parents. They are adults already and make their own life decisions. I like very much he has this calm talk with them and then drops the topic.

Sanson being the first to confess fits very good because mAt is alway the wuieter one of them. This scene is so bittersweet and Sanson is so vulnerable, it hurts my heart. If it stays like this, then it would be a strong statement of the show because not everything works out in the end. You can try, you can ask, but in the end, maybe your efforts were all for nothing.

Finally, Pete calls Mint out. But he forgives her?... But at least, he doesn't want to be her friend any more.

Of corse we have happy endings all over the place.

[yuvon-writes-letters]

Hey guys,

Yu, Rai and both Jakes.

Actually..If I talk about my feelings I'm pretty well. Don't tell Jake I said that, but I couldn't be happier about our situation. I mean, we can talk again. Without me being kidnapped and finding a weird Tumblr profile of him. (Which we think was a set up by one of the entities of my world since he obviously doesn't have one. Jake thinks it was goldies doing, I on the other hand don't believe that. Don't ask me why, but it feels like goldie wouldn't do that. And it didn't help me either but only made problems. I was distracted because I was writing the profile (you read it, right Yu? I don't know about the others) and angry. Like, really angry.)

Putting that aside, Jake called me, like he promised :) And it was the longest phone call I had for some time. Most of the time I talked and he didn't get distracted once, just listened to me and everything that happened. And then he started cursing, which is kind of understandable. He apologised for being into stasis. And for this other version from before the 'time setting back' thing. Because I don't find a name I'll call it TSB from now on.

The only problem I have now is going to work, I guess I'll take me some vacation...But at least I'm not as scared of the raven-ass anymore. I mean, I still am, but in the moment I know his steps. And I am not alone.

Jake, I intentionally write the next part in red, please don't read it. That's for Yu.

I know you think that Jake sees you as a threat. If it still is like you wrote in the letter. Jake knows that, too and he doesn't like it. You know him better than I do, of course, but without saying too much...I think it's quite the opposite. Talk to him about that. Even though it's probably not the best circumstances I think he enjoys being with you :)

The next part, purple (damn, I need more coloured pens), is for you Jake.

You already told me that you don't like that Yu thinks you see her as a threat. I only have to say one thing, if it still is like that, talk to her about it. Earlier than later.

The new thoughts about the blood ritual are really interesting. But please don't put yourself in this danger (or not, but I think it's understandable what I mean?) if it isn't necessary. But I also agree with Rai, I thought the same thing for a while. That you desired having someone, Jake, with you. It sounds plausible.

What more was there...Wait, let me reread the letters.

Oh yeah, Rai! One, till now my crow crew seems to still be in stasis (Jake realised that now, too) and two..Please try to take care of your health, yeah? I'm worried for you.

Lis🐾🔥

Ps. Damn...I'm writing this exactly when I wanted to leave the house (I mean, I sadly cannot hide my face forever).

Two new things...I got a message. I mean, it was a threat (because I am the obviously the bad girl that kidnapped Hannah), but I don't care. Maybe that means the stasis is slowly dissolving!

But number 2...I didn't get the vacation. My boss called me almost immediatly. "Under no circumstances [a word is blacked out] Liska. We have July and Alice, Tim and Jenny all want to take free time, too. You are one of our best workers and we can't afford you leaving now. You have no children so you have to wait. Also Max told me that you don't have any problems in family."

So long story short: He wants me to be there tomorrow. Argh, if he would pay me like he's talking that would awesome. And I'll kill Max when I see him next time. (My cousin that thought it was fun to try and steal my work so we both got the rank of 'one of the best workers'. The only problem: Max' title is official. -.- Overall, I'm so much more annoyed than some time earlier. Maybe I should ask Jake for help

Lis,

Okay, the Crow Crew drama is fading a bit, so I'll answer this now. Sorry if I seem disjointed at all, I'm probably going to be going back and forth from conversations to this letter a lot. I can't afford to have them all think I'm compromised, I need to focus on getting out of here and I don't want to deal with their pressure on top of everything else.

Yeah, I don't think the Tumblr profile was Goldie either. Goldie seems to try to be very much a "hands off" sort of entity, like my own. The Tumblr profile thing seems a little out of character for at least my Jake. At least, publicly answering your submission certainly was, though he may have panicked since you sent it in on anon and answered publicly without really thinking about it. I guess I could see him having a Tumblr profile for purposes of following people on social media and watching what they post, though. And then deciding he likes the media and posting a little bit of impersonal things that can't lead back to him. Probably my Jake will say something about that when I hand this letter over to him, stay tuned.

Yeah, I at least read some of the things you sent that profile, and I showed what I had to my Jake too. I'm not sure if I read all of it, since it was a bunch of printed-out screenshots in an envelope, but I read the ask where you told him you hated him (fair at that point but ouch that's got to have hurt) up to when you said you'd found Hannah. After that you sent me your letter telling me time had turned back and the Tumblr screenshots ended.

I'm glad you and Jake managed to talk things out. I was sort of worried about how he'd react, but it sounds like he took it pretty well, considering. I'm... not exactly sure he should be apologizing for the stasis, though. Or the TSB!Jake. Maybe especially not the TSB!Jake. Jakes seem to be oddly different from timeline to timeline, just based on what I've seen of them. TSB has been one of the most different so far.

Oh. One thing I should mention that you might not have seen from the profile: The MWAF used your phone to mock the TSB account, and mentioned that TSB wasn't the only person who could hack, and the MWAF blocked TSB from finding your location. Might want to warn your Jake about that.

A vacation sounds like a good idea :/ It's really hard to go back to normal life right after tragedies or trauma. It feels like the world keeps moving on and you're still stuck in place, and you just want to scream at them that they need to slow down, can't they see that the world is

Good. I'm glad you don't feel alone. It's easier to deal with this stuff when you're with someone else, even if it's not physically.

(Jake, my Jake I mean, if you're reading over my parts of these letters skip to the ||| now please.) I'm not saying he doesn't also enjoy my company. I can tell he does. That doesn't make me not a threat. Like how early on I suspected Thomas, but still thought he was a nice guy and enjoyed talking to him. (Obviously I don't suspect him any more XD ) Still, if you think I should talk with him about it, I'll try to find a tactful way to bring it up.

Yes, because obviously tact is my greatest strength. Sigh.

Like I said to Rai, the underlying desire thing is definitely possible. That'd either mean I'm more obvious about how I feel for Jake than I think I am (very possible, I'm not great at hiding how I feel in person) or the entity has some level of telepathy/mind reading. The reason is that chessboard. Since Jake likes chess, it's clear at least to me the entity expected him to come here at some point. I THINK, if the underlying desire thing is true, I can manipulate myself into wanting specific things by doing things like writing it over and over and repeating it out loud when doing the ritual, but I'm not sure.

|||

It's probably good that your Crow Crew is in stasis, like how it's objectively probably good my outside life is going on without me. Less drama, less pressure.

Huh. The harassment is definitely a promising sign. Maybe you should try contacting Darkness again, same way as I suggested near the beginning? That feels so long ago, but it really can't have been much more than a week, can it?

You... didn't get the vacation. Fucking hell. Is there ANY way you can convince your boss? You really should have time off. Maybe your Jake can help you come up with ideas.

Or at least maybe he can come up with a way to have your boss give you a bonus for your trouble -_-

Oh shit Cleo's interrogating me I'm gonna hand this to Jake now

(The handwriting changes to Jake's.) Hello, Lis.

I agree with Yuvon: "TSB" acts markedly different from myself. There would be no benefit from me promising to be there to find you in the moment, and indeed I would have been falling for a very transparent trap. Even in my possible state of panic, I cannot see myself being there physically, much less revealing myself physically to authorities in the process, unless I was playing the role of bait in a counter-trap. While it is plausible that this was TSB's plan, TSB gave no indication that Yuvon or I could tell that this was the case. Of course, I would have done my best to be there physically in the aftermath of the kidnapping, but not in the moment.

I also agree that the Tumblr profile seems to be out of character for both myself and for "Goldie", though I hesitate to judge TSB's actions by what I myself would do. I seem to vary in surprising ways across universes and even from timeline to timeline, based solely on your current Jake's reactions thus far. I do actually own a Tumblr profile for the exclusive purpose of following social medias I wish to track, but I used a random username generator website for the username and not my own name, and I certainly never posted anything.

The news about the MWAF being able to hack is new to me; I must have missed that the first time I read through the screenshots. That is quite troubling. I suppose I will need to be more careful in future.

I am sincerely sorry your request for a vacation was rejected. I do not know how much you intend to separate your personal life and the Duskwood case, but if your stasis is truly wavering, you may be able to reveal some measure of the danger you are in to convince him to let you flee the area for a small while. Especially since you mentioned in your Tumblr post that you saw a raven note in your wor

Oh.

You need to leave that place. Now. Do not inform your employer of the danger you are in, reveal nothing to him or to anyone, take unpaid time off if you need to. Get your cousin and anyone else you care overly much about out of there too. Invalidate any information you can your employer or coworkers knows about you. Do not tell the truth to anyone, even your cousin. Make up any excuses you need to, ask your Jake for help with ideas if you need to. You may also wish to check that the coworkers your boss listed who are going on vacation are ACTUALLY going on vacation.

This is a priority, Liska. You need to tell your Jake all of this too, especially the part with the note in your workplace. You need to get out of there.

Good luck.

—Jake & Yuvon

(The letter tucks itself into the paper clip with the others.)

[itsonlyahiatus-ihope]

Harry Imagine

Dear Diary, Today I was watching tv when all of a sudden my brother walks in the house with all the boys. They were all laughing and talking and they didn't even know I was in there. Louis was about to say something about me but he stopped as he noticed I was there.

*flashback*

"I mean, be careful Harry. If y/n-" Louis cut himself off as he saw me. "Hey y/n!" Louis shouted. "Hey." I said not looking away from the tv. "Y/n, why don't you get off the couch and come socialize." "Omg... My brother... The Niall Horan... Wants me... To talk.... With his friends.... It's a dream come true..." I said sarcasticly. "Haha very funny! And they are your friends too." Niall said. I got off the couch and said hi to the boys. I hugged them all but as I got to Harry I just put my hands in my pocket and said 'hi'. It was awkward with Harry. I liked him. Niall of course knew this, but he always says things along the lines of, he's way to old for you. He also always talks about how old he is compares to me. He is about to be 20 and I'm about to be 16. Yeah, I know it's only 4 years, but it's still a lot. "Earth to y/n." I was snapped out of my deep thoughts. "You alright? You zoned out for a moment." Niall asked with a worries tone. "I'm fine. I was just thinking." "About what?" Louis asked with a smirk. "Nothing important." "Okay then." "Hey do you guys wanna go in the pool?" Niall asked. Everyone agreed and I went upstairs and changes into my swimsuit. It was a bikini that was white, orange, and yellow tie dye. I slipped on a pair of shorts not really planning on getting wet. I pulled my hair into a messy bun then went downstairs. "Took you long enough!" Niall said joking. I rolled my eyes then we all went outside. I sat down on a chair by the pool and the boys jumped in. "To lame to jump in the pool?" Harry said as he walked up to me. "Well it doesn't look like you have jumped in either." I said sassing back. "Touche." He said as he tried to keep a serious face. I laughed at his attempt causing him to laugh as well. "Why do you come in the pool?" Harry asked. "No thanks, I don't really wanna get wet right now." "Then why are you wearing a swimsuit." "Duh, so I can tan!" He rolled his eyes and said, "please jump in with me." "No harry!" I said laughing. "Well I'm sorry." Before I could say anything he grabbed my hand and pulled me onto my feet. Then he grabbed me by my waist and picked me up. He ran straight to the pool and jumped in with me in his arms. As we resurfaced a hit his arm playfully. "I hate you!" I yelled. "You love me and you know it!" I smiled a bit, and I hope he didn't notice. "What going on over here?" Zayn said as he swam over to us. "Nothing. Just talking." I said. "So not flirting?" He asked surprised. "No, why would we." Harry said through his teeth. "No reason." Zayn said. Then Niall shouted, "Leave the two love birds alone!" I started to blush a little at what Niall said. Then Louis yelled, "Look, y/n is blushing!" I hid my face in my hands and Harry just pulled me close to his body so I could hide my fave into his bare chest.

*after swimming*

We all decided we wanted to watch a movie. "Y/n?" "Yes Niall?" "Could you go get some snacks?" "Sure since your Lazy ass cant." "Harry why don't you go help her." Niall said. I mad an angry face to Nia and he made me a kissy face back. I walked in the kitchen with Harry not to far behind me. "I'd say let's just grab some popcorn and chocolate." "Okay, I'll get the popcorn." "Okay." We got the snacks and as.we walked back to the front room I handed the snacks to Niall and Louis. The boys were already on the couch. Leaving one seat. For the two people left. Harry and I had to sit in litterly the smallest seat in the house. "Seriously guys!" I said. "It's fine y/n. I'll sit on the floor." Harry said. I felt bad that he was going to sit on the cold and hard ground. "I don't mind if you sit here with me. As long as you don't mind either." "Really?" "Yeah, I mean I guess there is enough room for two." I said with a small smile. Harry sat down and I sat in the remaining area. I put my legs over his since that was the. Only way we could sit comfortably. Louis decided to pick out a horror movie. I wasn't too worried. I could normally handle how easily I can get scared by movies. Half way through the movie there was a jump scare and I jumped and latched onto Harry. He let out a small chuckle and I stayed like that for a few minutes. I soon realized what I was doing so I moved back to where I was before, and said, "Sorry, I just got really scared." "It's fine." He said with a smile. We continued with the movie and another jump scare happened. I did the same thing as last time. But as I went to move Harry stopped me. So I stayed like that the rest of the movie. After the movie I was terrified. I looked over and saw all the boys were asleep. The only two people who were awake was me and Harry. I started getting tired so I laid my head on Harry's shoulder and he said, "If you want I can move so you can go to sleep." "It's okay." I said as I looked at him and smiled. We sat there looking into each other's eyes for a few moments until he started leaning in. No way.... He wasn't... He couldn't.... Before I had time to process it his soft lips were on mine. As soon as I realized what was happening I started kissing back. As we pulled apart he looked at me. Then i snapped back into reality. "Um, I'm tired. I think I'm going to go to bed." I said as I fadtky stood up and went straight to my room.

*the next morning*

I was woken up by large warm hands shaking me. "Hey, Niall told me to find wake you up. Breakfast is ready." Harry said in his morning voice. Hard stood up and was about to walk out, but then he turned around and said, "Can we please talk?" "Whats up?" I asked hoping it had nothing to do with last night. But I couldn't be more wrong. "Listen about last night. I really l-" "Harry please stop." "What?" "This... Can't happen. We are basically four years apart. Your 19. And I'm 15." He looked hurt by my words. "That's just a number." "Harry..." "Please give me one chance." "It won't work Harry." "Then I'll wait for you. I wait for you to be old enough. I love you. And I don't want to loose you." "Ha-" "don't try getting out of this. I'm going to be waiting. I promise I'll be waiting. As soon as your old enough, I'll make you mine." I smiled and then he kissed my forehead. Then it was time to go out for breakfast. We walked out and my hand in his. As we got to the kitchen Liam said, "What's going in with you two?" While gesturing to our hands. We immediately separated our hands. I blushed a little.

*two years later*

(pretend all the boys are still GREAT friends and that one direction was still a thing.)

It's my 18th birthday. I'm not gonna lie. My crush on Harry never went away. If anything it got stronger. But since the day after we kissed. We never talked about what would happen for us. Harry has had a few girlfriends. Which I will admit it sucked seeing him with a bunch of other girls. I mean he said he would wait for me to be of age so we could be together. But that didn't happen. But I didn't really expect it to. I mean there are so many beautiful girls out in the world. And they would all be begging to be his. So it makes sense. He could basically have anyone he wants. It makes me sick sometimes seeing him with another girl. Currently he's not with anyone. But he keeps talking about how he really likes this one girl. And I guess all the boys are helping him ask her out today. Oh and I forgot to mention, they all forgot my birthday. Including my brother who I have lived with for 18 years! I changed into a pair of ripped jeans and a white flowy crop top and white high tops. Since I'm going out to hang out with y/b/f/n.

*at the mall*

"So do you think Harry still has feelings for you?" "Of course not. He's asking some girl out today." "I'm sorry." "It's fine." "I'm sure Niall will make your birthday amazing though." "Yeah, that is if he remembers it." "He seriously forgot!?" "They all did. I've been best friends with them for 8 years and I've lived with Niall for 18 years. And none of them remember my birthday." "I'm sorry." "It's whatever." "Well let's go back to your house and we can have a spa night." "Yessss! I've been needing one of those." She laughed and we headed back to my house. I hoped the door and immediately I heard, "SURPRISE!" I was completely shocked, but I saw all my friends and family. Including the boys. "I thought you guys forgot." I said as I hugged each of them. "We could never forget." Niall said. I hugged Harry but it was really awkward. "So how did it go asking that girl out?" "I'm not sure yet." "Well good luck. And let me know how it goes." I said, trying to be supportive. "I will, and I'll need it."

*few hours later*

We were all outside. There was a huge projector and we were watching a slideshow and videos of people saying happy birthday. Then came Harry's video. "Um hi, I honestly don't know what to say. To start off, Happy birthday! You are now legally an adult. About 2 years ago I made a promise. I said that I would wait until you were old enough. After a few months I thought you lost interest. So I tried to move on. I had dated a few girls, but they all said the same thing, they knew I loved someone else. I promised I would wait, and I never planned on breaking that promise. I've been in love with you since day one. Please, help me keep the promise I made two years ago, and go on a date with me?" I huge smile rose to my face as I turned around to see Harry. I hugged him tightly. "I can't believe you actually waited." He smiled. Then before I knew it I pressed my lips to his. Our lips moved in sync. We pulled away after a moment. "So, is that a yes?" "No, it was a no." I said sarcasticly. He faked a frown then I said, "Of course it's a yes." I kissed him again and then just hugged him. "Oh and just since you asked me to let you know how it went, the girl said yes." I shook my head and laughed.

[ganymedesclock]

Okay so here's the take.

I don't trust people who hate kids, but I also don't trust people who refuse to believe that you can be bad with kids or incompatible with parents.

I don't trust people who hate kids, but I understand that on a root societal level people don't properly respect childcare as anything that can be difficult or kids as something you're allowed to not want to have or spend time with.

I don't trust people who hate kids, but I have patience and forgiveness for people who come to the point of saying they hate kids because they're not allowed to say "kids are fine, but not for me" because unless they turn this answer uglier and uglier people will keep trying to talk them out of it because having children is treated much like romance- nobody is allowed to think "that hard" about it or practice it in any sort of """aberrant""" manner but also everyone has to always do it because otherwise we'd have to independently negotiate our relationship with it and that's scary, so it gets turned into a norm that its most enthusiastic defenders all joke about hating anyway.

Kids cannot help but need you. They are not monsters. They're just humans at their most vulnerable. I think everybody should work to gain the skills to make cohabitation with children as mutually painless as possible. That's the baseline I think you can reasonably require as other people. Kids are in society, that's where they should be, and if you are driven to fury by this notion you may be exhibiting an intolerance of vulnerability that probably bleeds over into other areas of your life, maybe examine that.

Nobody is ever obligated to have kids, nobody is ever obligated to like being around kids, nobody is ever obligated to want kids. If someone doesn't think they'd be a good parent it is not your job to talk over this.

Producing a child isn't a badge that you're a real grown-up. (also, holy hell, fathers should have a meaningful stake in their kids' lives, but that's a different issue)

Nobody should have kids unless they earnestly and wholeheartedly commit to it and nobody should take it upon themselves to get on their friends', neighbors', relatives', acquaintances' case about So When Are You Gonna Change Your Mind And Have Kids

but don't take that out on the kids themselves, guys? Kids live in the same reality as adults but they have less experience, less control over where they're going or what they experience, and less ability to separate what's happening right now from what is true of all reality forever. This can be super frustrating to deal with from the outside but I guarantee it is worse from the inside.