#2) no one owes you forgiveness for your past fucked up behavior

[swiftiesimonriley]

hurts like heaven (divorced! frankie x lawyer! reader)

divorced! frankie x lawyer! reader, silver linings playbook! au

rating: teen (I guess), no explicit content except for drug use

warnings: depictions and descriptions of drug use (if this makes you uncomfortable you may want to skip this one), mentions of divorce and custody battles, mention of time spent in an inpatient behavioral health setting

word count: 3.9k (WHOOPS i got excited)

a/n: I am so excited for my first frankie oneshot!! thank you so much to @hailmary-yramliah​ for this request, I hope you like it!! here is my masterlist, and if you have any requests you can send me an ask! also credit to @hunterschafer​ for the beautiful frankie gif!!

"Mr. Morales, after a thorough review of the details of this case, including but not limited to testimonies of your close friends and NA sponsor, revision of your record, and speaking with the judge who oversaw the suspension of your pilot's license, I have come to the conclusion that you are currently unfit to have full custody of your daughter. I am hereby granting full custody of Eleanor Luciana Morales to her biological mother."

The minute Francisco Morales hears the words of the family court judge before him ruling in favor of his now ex-wife, he nearly passes out.

The former Delta Force soldier vaguely heard the protests of Pope, who is the only person sitting within the rows of seats on the side of the courtroom where he currently resides. He doesn't register his lawyer uttering a half-assed apology or even the cheers from his ex-wife and her family on the other side of the room.

All he hears is white noise as the judge bangs the gavel to settle the room, explaining that Ava now will have primary and sole custody and that Frankie will only be allowed supervised visits with a social worker, and that Ava can take her daughter home today.

Their daughter.

Frankie knows he isn't perfect - fuck, he is far from it but this just seems like a sick joke.

As soon as his license was officially stripped from him, he knew his marriage was over. The tension had started almost a year earlier when Ava suspected Frankie of using, to which he vehemently denied.

Of course, it was true, but how was he supposed to explain and admit to the love of his life that he needed the cocaine flowing through his body in order to feel anything anymore.

Things began to crumble soon after the initial suspicion by Ava. 

The best way Frankie thought to deal with this problem was to put some space between himself and his wife. He didn't want her to see him when he was strung out and begging for one last hit - God forbid his daughter see him like that.

In a way, Frankie was grateful that Ellie was still an infant, and that she would have no memory of the fights he had with her mother over his addiction.

He began staying out late at bars and other places downtown where he knew he could meet his dealer and get more of his fix, trying to keep it as far away from his home as possible. 

After a few drinks and a successful meeting with his dealer, he would make his way home where he eventually came down, the immediate rush of guilt and sorrow filling his heart as he would return home and see the bedroom door was locked, indicating he had to crash on the couch.

It was when he stepped through the threshold of his small cottage that he felt the shame bubble up from deep inside him, knowing that he couldn't just snuggle up next to his wife and pretend things were fine, or even cradle his daughter in his arms and rock her to sleep, as on these nights Ava made sure to keep Ellie in the bedroom with her. 

Those were the nights that haunted him the most.

Breaking Ava's heart was something long in the past - and he knew she wouldn't be able to just forgive him for what he put her through. She was always the one to give people the benefit of the doubt - something he used to tease her about but now feels scorned by. She was the one who stood by him when he admitted he had a problem - giving him support and resources for healing all while lending a helping hand. 

She knew he wouldn't try to harm their relationship on purpose.

But when his use began to impede more on their relationship, Ava put her foot down. She was getting tired of the cycle of hurt that came with each band of withdrawal and promises of this being the "last" time, only to see her husband relapse again and again. She tried her hardest to continue supporting him, her high school sweetheart, but she had reached her limit. She started spending more time with her parents, leaving Ellie in their care for most days so she didn't have to see her father stumble through the door after a night out. 

Two weeks later she served him with the divorce papers.

Frankie knows that he fucked up, be he never meant to harm Ava or Ellie along the way, especially his baby daughter, whose brown eyes were almost carbon copies of his own. He can't even stomach the idea of Eleanor growing up without her father in her life - she is his whole world, and since the day she was born he promised her that he would always be there for her.

But now, his heart aches knowing he is going home to a semi-furnished one-bedroom apartment, no wife or daughter waiting up for him like when he returned from missions or deployment.

Francisco Morales was not one to take the easy way out.

He clutches his patient belongings bag tighly in his right hand as he walks out of the lobby of the inpatient rehabilitation center, scanning the outside pickup area for a familiar truck. After looking around for a moment a truck horn beep startles him, turning to see a familiar mop of black hair peeking out of his truck.

Chuckling to himself, Frankie jogs over to the passenger side and hops in, feeling Pope immediately wrap him tightly in a hug. "I missed you Cat," he murmurs into the pilot's shoulder, giving him a comforting pat on the back before releasing the brown-haired man from his arms.

"I missed you too Santi," Frankie sighs, placing his bag down on the floor at his feet, "I don't know how much longer I could stay there without seeing a familiar face."

Santi lets out a low laugh as he starts up the truck and pulls out of the patient drop-off area before turning onto the main road. The two sit in silence for a few moments as Frankie stretches out his limbs, turning his head to look out the window as they drive down through the city.

The black haired man knows better than to pry and quiz the pilot about his 2 month stay at the local inpatient rehabilitation center. After the fallout of the trial, things got rough really fast. Santi knew deep down there was a chance of relapse, even with Frankie left the courtroom promising that this would never happen again - but it was all too much.

At 3:11 am Santi got a call from Frankie.

By 6:30 the pair were at the very same doors that Frankie had just emerged, with Santi comfortingly rubbing his hand up and down the brunette's back and they waited to check him in and head over to intake.

But Santi doesn't pry.

He just drums a tune on the steering wheel as he continues driving down the main stretch of road in the city. He watches out of the corner of his eye as they get to a red light as Frankie fixes his hair, running his fingers through the brown fringe across his forehead and he lets out a chuckle.

"What's so funny Pope? I don't wanna look like I'm fresh out of the hospital." He huffs, looking over his hair again before closing the mirror.

To say Frankie was nervous was an understatement. He had been out of the hospital for less than ten minutes and he was already on his way to meet a new lawyer. His new lawyer.

The previous week Frankie received a call from Santi during his afternoon rec time. At first he couldn't make out what the other man was saying, he remembers huffing out something the lines of "are you fucking drunk?" but made sure to keep quiet as he knew some people in the rec area didn't take too kindly to brash language.

He then remembers the hearty chuckle on the other end. "No I'm not fucking drunk 'fish, I'm excited! I just ran into one of my old college buddies-"

"Do you mean fuck buddies?" Frankie teases, letting out a quiet laugh as he hears a scoff on the other end of the line.

"No you idiot! I didn't sleep with every girl I knew back then, I know it's hard to believe," Frankie lets out a loud laugh, "I ran into an old friend of mine who went to law school, and let's just say she owes me a favor and she agreed to take on your case! Fish? Frankie?"

The pilot drops the phone as soon as the words are processed.

He has another chance. Another chance to see Ava and his baby girl. A chance to get them both back into his life for good this time, now that he has detoxed and spent his time working on his coping strategies.

They could be back in his arms once again.

"Mr. Morales? Mr. Garcia? She's ready for you."

"It's go time." Santi nods, standing up out of his seat and motioning for the pilot to follow him.

The pair make their way down the white and bright hallways of the law offices, walking past several cubicles full of lawyers and other workers chatting away before coming to an office with a glass door at the end of the hallway.

Frankie nervously plays with his fingers as Santi knocks on the door, hearing a soft "come in" from the otherside.

He follows the black haired man into the office and freezes in his tracks when he sees you get up from your desk and rush to pull Santi into a hug. He tries to keep his eyes from widening like a cartoon character but he can't help it - Santi didn't mention how gorgeous you are.

He listens to you both talk for a few moments before you reach your hand out and introduce yourself, a light smile playing at your lips. Frankie nods and takes your smaller hand in his before watching you go back to your desk. You open your laptop and pull out the file your assistant gathered on the details of the previous case.

"Mr. Mora-"

"You can call me Frankie," the pilot interjects, his cheeks turning red as you nod and take a mental note of that. "Frankie, do you want to start off at the start of your story for me? I always find it more beneficial to ask from the client's perspective about the details of the case, it makes a stronger case," you say, picking up a pen and looking at the brunette sitting across from you.

Frankie lets out a small cough and takes a soft breath in before laying his cards out on the table.

Santi stays quiet in the seat next to him, nodding along at the details of the story and offering a comforting hand on the back as one of his closest friends speaks about some of the darkest points in his life with you as if you have known him as long as you have known him.

It takes about 45 minutes of Frankie's explanations and your questioning to get all of the information you need for the initial meeting, making notes of the progress the pilot has made within the inpatient treatment center as well as Santi's testimony. You put your files away in the folder on your desk and stand up, making your way over to the two soldiers and giving them each a handshake, telling them both that you feel extremely confident in this case, and that you can't wait to help Frankie get his family back.

You can't miss the way he breaks out into a grin, probably one of the first genuine ones in a while, and you see Santi nod his head approvingly at you before giving you a quick "thanks" as the two begin to stand up and walk towards your door. 

Before they leave you quickly call out to Frankie, who turns around quickly and his chocolate brown eyes lock with yours.

"What's your daughter's name?" You ask softly, watching as his posture relaxes at the mention of his pride and joy. He reaches into one of his back pockets of his jeans and pulls out a small photo from his wallet and hands it to you.

You look over the tiny photo - it must have been from the day she was born. Her big brown eyes are the same as her father's, a small smile on her face.

"Her name is Eleanor, Eleanor Luciana," he smiles, a small tear welling up in the corner of his right eye.

A smile plays at your lips as you see the absolute adoration in his eyes as he talks about her.

You know you have to win this case.

You spend the next 3 months prepping for the case.

You know this process is not an easy one, especially for Frankie. At first, he came to your office twice a week in the afternoon right after his NA meetings, most times with Santi in tow. It was awkward at first for sure - I mean it isn't fun working with a lawyer about the bad choices he had made or the fact of the matter that he feels like a piece of him has died since he has been away from his family.

Santi helped ease the tension.

When it got hard for Frankie to talk about some of the details of his drug use, or the fights he had with Ava, Santi was there to help ease the conversation and help Frankie get through it. It helped that the two knew each other like the back of their hands, with Santi being able to crack a joke at a moment's notice and bring the pilot back down to the ground.

It was when Santi brought up old memories of your time back in college that you heard real laughter from the brunette.

They weren't your proudest memories, but the way that Frankie laughed at you and Santi's old college stories brought a smile to your face and gave you a feeling of butterflies in your stomach that you didn't want to go away. You knew deep down you shouldn't feel those butterflies, especially when dealing with a client, but something about the pilot made your heart flutter.

But the minute you would feel the butterflies, like after Frankie gave you a compliment about your outfit, you would feel the guilt wash over you in waves. Frankie was a father, a former husband who was working with you in order to win back his ex. How could you feel this way about a man who was fighting through hell to get his family back.

You were just his lawyer.

Seeing him open up each time he came into your office was something that struck you deep down, knowing that being this vulnerable is something that he doesn't take lightly. 

The two of you continue meeting twice a week after NA, with Frankie telling you about his feelings from his meeting and talking about his goals for this upcoming trial.

You continue preparing him with questions you know will be brought up by the family court judge, focusing on his plans for the future after his discharge from the inpatient center, focusing on the changes in behavior he has made of the past few months. His answers become more confident the harder you work, and you feel your heart start to swell as he talks about how excited he is to see his baby girl again.

But you also feel pain in your heart at the thought of the man before you leaving your life after this week.

It's the Friday night before the trial, a night you typically take off early on, but tonight is different.

Frankie was sitting here in your office earlier this week when he casually mentioned that he was getting his 6 month sober chip on Friday. Upon hearing this news you gasp and stand up from your desk, your feet carrying you over towards him before you could even register what you are doing - suddenly you realize that you have pulled him into your arms.

Frankie is shocked at first, a small "oof" escaping his lips as you held onto him, but he is grateful you cannot see the blush rising on his cheeks.

You quickly pull yourself back and subconsciously smoothing out your light green work pants before taking a step back. "I'm so proud of you 'Cat, that's so amazing!" You smile, brushing a piece of hair back behind your ear.

The pilot nods, a small smile playing at his lips.

"How about you come here on friday. You, me and Santi can have some pizza and a beer to celebrate," you suggest, watching as Frankie furrows his brow before letting out a chuckle.

"You don't ask all of your clients to have a pizza party in your office after hours do you?" He laughs, taking his hat off and fixing his brown locks before sliding it back on his head.

"I can't say that I do, but this is what Santi and I would do back in the day to celebrate, so why not celebrate this achievement before we get in the courtroom." 

You chuckle, remembering the days spent in the shitty apartment Santi had off campus. "Alright I'm in." Frankie smiles, "I'll bring the beers."

That night the three of you sit on the floor of your office like kids and chuckle at old stories, both from college and from the boy's times spent overseas. You watch as Frankie laughs at something Santi says and you feel the pain in your heart return, knowing that in a few short days your client would be back to his old life, and you would be stuck here back in the real world at your job. You know it's wrong, but these past months have been different than any other case you have taken on.

You know Frankie is going to be able to go back to his family after all of this - he is stronger than when this whole ordeal started and he has the support to prevent another relapse. 

Hell, you are proud of him outside of work, knowing this process wasn't easy - but the idea of this man walking out of your life brings you sadness. Knowing he won't be in your office twice a week for hours, cracking jokes and talking about nothing in particular towards the end. 

Sometimes you wonder what things would be like if you met under other circumstances. Maybe you two would have a shot - walking hand in hand at the local farmer's market, singing karaoke at the bar with Santi, Benny and Will, or even going on a flight with him.

You even opened up to him, telling him things even Santi doesn't know. But you need to remember why you are here - to win this for your client.

"Mr. Morales, after going over the details of this case, I see the dedication you have made towards your rehabilitation and future. I have talked with the treatment team at Maple Grove rehabilitation as well as your NA sponsor, and based on all of the information I have gathered is that you are fit to have custody of your daughter. You will now have shared custody of Eleanor Luciana Morales."

Before you can properly process the words of the judge, you feel two strong arms wrap around your torso and lift you in the air. You feel a blush come over your cheeks as you hear Frankie saying "thank you" over and over again as he sets you back down on the ground.

You both simultaneously pull back and hide your blushes as you thank the judge for his discretion and you faintly hear the bang of the gavel in the background as the court is dismissed.

You don't miss the way Ava storms out of the courtroom with her family and you have to stop yourself from rolling your eyes. Santi walks over to the two of you and pulls you both into a hug, rubbing a hand comfortingly up and down your back and thanking you for everything you did.

You nod as Santi pulls back and turns to his brother in arms, chatting about something you can't quite hear as you begin to pack up your white briefcase, pausing when you see a photo of Ellie on the table.

Since the beginning of the trial Frankie felt the nerves wash over him as this suddenly felt so real. You had suggested that he bring in a picture of Eleanor to place on the table so that whenever he became nervous, he could look down and see who he was doing this all for. Seeing the photo now brings tears to the corners of your eyes and you close up your briefcase - turning around to see that Santi has left the courtroom, just leaving you and Frankie.

"I just wanted to say thank you, for everything," he says softly, nervously scratching at the hair at the nape of his neck.

You nod curtly, trying to ignore the sore feeling in your throat - a telltale sign that you were about to cry.

Frankie tilts his head in confusion and walks closer, reaching out and grabbing your smaller hands in his. "I mean it - you have helped me through this whole process, and you are the reason I get to see Eleanor again, and for that I cannot thank you enough."

His words cut through you like knives - you knew this was coming. Your job is over, and it's time for him to move on.

"All in a day's work," you chuckle quietly, having to look down at your shoes to avoid letting the tears fall.

You suddenly feel softy fingers tilt your head up. Blinking through your lashes you see the pilot looking at you with only adoration in his eyes. You lock onto his chocolate orbs and nod slightly as he moves closer, softly crashing your lips against his.

You feel his strong arms wrap around your waist, pulling him flush against his chest in a soft yet comforting way. You find yourself getting lost in the moment, one of your hands tangling in his hair as he pushes a strand of hair behind your ear.

A moment later you both pull away, leaning your forehead against his as he lets out a small chuckle.

"I've been wanting to do that forever," he smiles, locking eyes with you once again, "I had to wait until I wasn't your client anymore, I didn't want to make it awkward or unethical."

You smile at his confession, brushing a piece of his brunette locks out of his eyes.

"Well now that you are no longer my client, would you like to go grab a beer?" You ask, looking at the way his eyes light up at your question.

"I would love that."

He watches as you grab your briefcase and wraps an arm around your waist as the two of you head for the courtroom doors.

He feels his heart swell in his chest knowing he not only has Eleanor back in his life, but now he has you too.

taglist: @hailmary-yramliah​ @babyprim​ @shadowolf993​ @jasterslegacy​ @collectorofexperiences​

[johnsamericano]

“Mine.” l.m.k

Genre: suspense (kind of), smut-ish, angst.

Pairing: yandere/stalker!mark x fem!reader

Warnings: Possesive behavior, metions of death, yandere mark, psychological abuse, blackmailing, obsessive love

Disclaimer: This fanfic does not reflect the actual personalities of the idols mentioned, this is purely fictional.

a/n: I wanted to write something halloween-like before spooky season is over. This is actual shit please forgive me 😔

Taglist: @floweringtheflowers

“Where’s your friend, Hyuck?”

“Look, there he is. Jeno!” He walked towards you with a slightly shorter male by his side. “Hey man.”

“Hey Hyuck.” They hugged each other briefly. “I brought Mark, is that okay with you?”

“Sure.” You both answered at the same time.

“Thank you for driving us home, she doesn’t trust Uber drivers.”

“Shut up.” You’d seen the enough horror movies to know it’s never safe to get into a car with a stranger. “Thank you...Jeno and Mark, right?”

“No problem.” You noticed the shorter guy’s gaze was fixated in You. “Let’s get going.” You walked towards his car under the moonlight, the only audible sound was the one from your high heels clicking in the pavement.

“I’ve never seen you at our campus.” Mark suddenly blurted out.

“I’m an arts major, our building is literally hidden behind a bunch of trees.” He giggled. You swore it was the most beautiful sound you’d ever heard.

“I’m an architecture major.”

Hyuck sat beside the drivers seat while you kept chatting with Mark in the back row. He was the sweetest person and his laugh was so contagious. You exchanged numbers before hopping out of the car.

Mark texted you the moment you stepped inside your apartment, beginning a conversation that would keep you up till 2:00 a.m.

Your late night conversations kept happening for at least a week.

“Mark?” He was standing right at the entrance of your building.

“You weren’t lying when you said it was hidden behind a bunch of trees, it took me hours to find it.”

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” He was using a plain black shirt along with beige trousers. His silky hair covered his forehead almost completely.

“I found this nice Italian restaurant nearby and I remembered you said you liked it, so uhm...can I take you there?” He didn’t casually find it, he stayed up all night long looking up for places you’d like.

“You remembered!”

“So...is that a yes?”

“Yes!” The corners of his lips went up, revealing that beautiful smile you hadn’t been able to stop thinking about for the past week. “Let’s go.”

The food was absolutely delicious and the company was even better. Mark kept talking about whatever came first to his mind, installing a nice atmosphere around you.

“Wait, so you’re from Canada?” You asked before stuffing your mouth with lasagna once again.

“Yup.” He smiled while grabbing a napkin and wiping the corners of your mouth. “Sorry, it’s just that you had some tomato sauce.”

“It’s alright, thank you.” You couldn’t deny that the sweet gesture made your heart flutter.

The blush in your cheeks only made you prettier, and Mark couldn’t help but to imagine how would it be to cup your rosy cheeks. He almost felt the heat irradiating from them in the palms of his hands.

“So, uhm, do you have a girlfriend or something?” You shyly asked.

He laughed nervously before answering. “No, I’m single.”

“Is this a date then?” He was about to deny it, but you cut him off. “I mean, I wouldn’t mind if it was.”

“I-I guess it is then.” You giggled awkwardly, proceeding to take another bite of your delicious food. “So, can I hold your hand?” There was it again, that beautiful blush tinting your cheeks.

“Sure.” You extended your free hand, looking at your plate while you waited for him to take it.

He hesitantly reached out for it, taking your small hand between his fingers and caressing the soft skin. Everything around you seemed to have stopped, it was just you and him in your little bubble of happiness.

“Hyuckie.” You greeted him through the phone. “You won’t believe what happened today.”

“You finally got laid?”

“Asshole.” He giggled. “I had a date.”

“Yeah, I know. Mark wouldn’t stop talking about it.”

“Really?” You couldn’t hide the smile forming in your lips.

“Listen, I need to go now but we’ll talk later.” He made the sound of a kiss before hanging up.

(...)

You had a few more dates before he officially asked you to be his girlfriend. Despite everything was going too fast, you were happy with him.

“Y/n?” You were stuck inside of a classroom, trying to portrait the nude model in front of you as well as you could. There was a strange feeling burning in his chest.

“Oh, hey Mark.” Your gaze was fixated in the other male. “Johnny, you think we could finish later?”

“Sure.” He grabbed a silky robe and covered his exposed body. “See you.” He bowed before exiting the room.

“What exactly were you doing?” Mark’s usual sweet tone had become lower.

“Oh, Mark. Don’t tell me you’re jealous.” You mocked him. “Don’t worry, I only have eyes for you dummy.”

But your reassuring words weren’t enough. His mind was full of that naked man, his imagination creating wicked scenarios of you with him.

“I’m serious, Mark. You’re the only one that I love, okay?” He nodded, despite there was a voice in his head telling him not to believe you, that you were a liar. “Do you want to know how much I love you?” You slightly palmed him through the fabric of his jeans.

You made love to him in the middle of your classroom, but his mind was still somewhere else.

“Mark, what’s going on?” You asked while putting your clothes back on. “I told you it’s nothing to worry about, besides, it’s not the first time I-”

“So you’ve done this more than once.” A sarcastic grin adorned his lips. “I think I’ll go home now.”

“But what about our date?”

“I’m not in the mood, y/n.” He slammed the door on his way out.

He’d never talked to you like that before, and it was certainly disconcerting. You picked up your materials, turning the lights off before exiting the room.

That night you recieved a text from Mark apologizing for his behavior. But something felt off. You decided to let it slide, he’d probably be back to normal the next day.

But the thing is, he never completely went back to normal, his scary persona would come out at the minimum sight of you with another boy. And it was frankly pissing you off, but again, you let it slide.

“Touch her again and I’ll crush your legs.” You were taking to one of your classmates when he ruffled your hair, little did you know Mark had been watching the two of you.

“Dude, chill. We’re just friends.”

“Mark, what the hell?” You whispered.

“Let’s go.” He grabbed your wrist harshly, dragging you out of the building while you struggled to get out of his grip.

“Stop, Mark. You’re hurting me.”

He stopped, letting go of you. “Are you cheating?”

“You’re being stupid right now.”

“Well, how about you stop being such a slut with your classmates, huh?” That was your breaking point.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” His heart was aching, regret filling every inch of his body. “I’m sick of your possessiveness!” You crossed your arms over your chest. “And calling me a slut? I think we should take a break.”

“I’m sorry, babe, I didn’t mean any of it.” He tried to embrace you, but yo pushed him away.

“Leave me alone, please.” But how could he stay away from his precious little angel? You were asking him to do the impossible. He’d fallen for you so quickly, yet so hard.

“Please, y/n. Give me another chance, I swear to god it won’t happen again. But please, don’t leave me.”

You went back in, ignoring your boyfriend’s sobs.

‘I can’t loose her.’ The thought kept repeating in his mind over and over again. He had to be with you at all costs, even if it meant threatening you.

“Mark, I swear to god if you call me once again I’ll block you.” You picked up your phone after listening to your call ringtone for about thirty minutes.

“I’m outside of your house. Let’s talk, please.”

“Mark, we’re done. So please, leave.”

“We’re not done until I say so.” There it was again. That cold tone that gave you goosebumps. “Check your messages.”

Your phone vibrated against your cheek, signaling you had a new text. You opened your chat with Mark, only to find a picture of you naked, legs wide open.

“H-how?” You never noticed he’d taken pictures of you, and it made you wonder how many times he’d done it.

“You better open the door before I post this so everyone can see it.” He smirked at you as soon as you opened the door. Dark circles and puffy eyes adorned his face. “Always so obedient.”

“What the fuck?” You tried to grab his phone, earning a small grin from him. “Delete them.”

“Bossy, aren’t we? You should reconsider your words or I might just send the video as well.”

“There’s a video?” Your eyes were wide open, fear taking over your body. “Please don’t, I’ll do anything.”

“Now we’re talking.” He wasn’t capable of sending them to anyone since it would mean that other man would see you naked, but you didn’t have to know that. “Let’s take a seat, shall we?”

He made himself at home. He even had the audacity to hug you.

“I missed you.” He leaned closer to your hair, sniffing it, the calming scent of coconut filling his nostrils. “Did you miss me?”

There was only one correct answer.

“Yes.” You forced yourself to say.

“That sounded like a lie, baby.” He warned, unlocking his phone and mockingly playing your video.

“I-I missed you M-mark.” He hummed in approval, proceeding to turn his phone off.

(...)

You tried your best to please Mark for the next weeks, letting him take you out on dates and grab your hand, like he used to do.

“Mark.” Your voice was shaking slightly. “I need to stay for a few extra hours to finish my project.” He wanted you to inform him about each and every one of your movements, even installing a tracking device in your purse while you weren’t paying attention.

“You know, babe. I’ve been thinking, wouldn’t it be more convenient if we lived together?” At this point, you knew you wouldn’t be able to decline his offer. Nevertheless, you tried to talk your way out of it.

“But we’ve been dating for less than three months and we have different schedules-” His thumb found it’s way to your lips.

“We’ll figure it out. I’ll go to your house on Friday to help you packing. I can’t wait to live with you.” He let out a soft giggle before saying goodbye.

So now you were losing your only private place too. He’d be watching you 24/7, controlling each and every one of your movements. You were doomed and needed to find a way out of it.

You looked for your only trustworthy friend whom you’d not seen very often in the last few months.

“Hyuck can we meet?”

“It’s the first time I hear from you in weeks and you’re not even gonna say hello?”

“I’m sorry, but it’s really urgent. Are you free right now?” He hummed. “I’ll wait for you at the cafeteria.”

You sat down at one of the tables in the corner.

“I thought you were dead.” He hugged you tightly as soon as he saw you. “What’s going on? You sounded uneasy through the phone.”

“I need you to promise you won’t tell anyone.”

“Fine, just spit it out.”

You resumed all the events from your first date to the actual situation. Haechan’s jaw dropped by the end of your story.

“If this is a prank I’m gonna be pissed.” Mark was his friend, so of course, it was shocking to find out what he’d been up to.

“I really wish it was.” You were on the verge of tears, holding them in as well as you could. “Please, hyuck, help me.”

“First of all, I don’t think Mark will send those pictures to anyone. He’d only get himself in trouble.” He combed his hair back using his fingers. “And y/n, is your reputation really more important than your freedom?”

His advice helped you make a decision. You bid hyuck goodbye after promising to call him if anything happened and made your way to your building, where you knew Mark would be waiting for you.

“Mark.” You called him. He turned his head to the side, a big smile adorning his face as soon as he saw you.

“Hey baby. I have a lunch break now, wanna go to that Italian restaurant?”

‘That fucking Italian restaurant started everything.’

“No.” His eyebrows twitched the slightest, but that creepy grin remained.

“Have you forgotten about that photo?”

“Just do whatever you want.���

There was no way you could’ve known he’d take it so literally.

“Hey, y/n.” Johnny was standing a few meters away from you. “Ready for today’s session? You better make me look pretty in that canvas.”

You giggled. That was enough to set a fire inside Mark. He was the only one allowed to make you smile.

“Goodbye, Mark.” You went inside the building with him, laughing at whatever he’d just said.

‘Get rid of him.’ The voice inside of his head kept repeating. He was an obstacle between you and him, and obstacles need to be removed.

Hours went by quickly as you worked on your final project. You took a break to go to the bathroom and rest your mind.

“This is so tiring.” You said to yourself as you washed your hands. A loud thud was heard from a nearby classroom.

You quickly dried your hands and made your way to the room Johnny was in.

“Hey, is everything okay? Why did you turn off the lights?” You used your finger to turn the switch on.

‘Is this...blood?’ There was a poodle of opaque red liquid surrounding your classmate. Multiple injuries were visible in his naked body.

“Hi honey.” Chills ran down your spine as you heard Mark behind you. You turned around to face him.

“M-mark, what did you do?” He smirked, apparently unbothered even though he was standing over a poodle of blood.

“I’m sorry, baby. But he deserved it.” With every step he took forward, you took one back.

“He didn’t do anything!” Tears streamed down your face as he caged you between his arms.

“Oh, but he did.” You could hear some guttural sounds coming out from the limp body. He was still alive. “He looked at you with that dumb little smile, he even made you laugh. I needed to teach him not to mess with someone else’s property.” His breath was fanning against your nose. “And my little girl needed to be taught to behave.”

“Please, Mark. Stop this.”

“But I did it for us, babe. So we can be together forever.” The touch that you once craved now made you nauseous. “Don’t you want to be with me?”

“Mark, please, let me go.”

“I think I wasn’t clear enough.” His blood stained face came closer to yours, tracing your jawline with the tip of his bloody knife. “We’re soulmates, and soulmates are meant to be together.” He tilted his head as the metallic blade slightly pierced through the skin of your neck. “Don’t you think so, honey?”

The sounds coming from Johnny distracted you from the pain in your neck.

“We need to get him some help!” You tried to reach out for him, but Mark slammed you against the wall.

“You like him, don’t you?” Sadness peeked through his voice. “It’s okay baby, my love is enough for both of us.”

“Stop it!” You screamed while pushing him away with all your strength, getting enough space for you to run.

You ran as fast as you could, nevertheless, luck wasn’t on your side. You took a wrong step and fell down the stairs, a rib or two breaking in the process. You whined, hugging your chest in an attempt to ease the pain.

“Oh, sweetie. Look what you’ve done.” Mark smirked as he looked down at you. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.” He crouched beside your curled up body with a grin. “Let’s take you home.”

[seyaryminamoto]

Masterpost: answering a single anon in a single post

So. I wasn’t going to answer asks today but frankly, considering what I should be writing I’d rather answer asks, might actually get a laugh out of it. Most of all, because of what I intend to answer here.

To spare y’all from the pain and annoyance of having to read through any of my answers to we-know-who, I’m going to do it differently this time. All in one post. Because frankly, filling my blog with their TWENTY asks, no less (and it’s official this time, used to be sixteen but then I reblogged that post about conflict in stories and they went wild, as usual) isn’t worth anyone’s time. Hell, it’s not even worth mine, but procrastination is overpowering.

Here we go. If you’re not the anon in question and still want to read this, I hope you have fun.

This is a free world. That means multiple things some people can’t seem to accept. One such thing is that people have no obligation to even interact with each other, let alone to do what others demand of them, especially when they don’t want to. The fact is, being harassed (because, yes, there’s no other word for it) by someone has been a pretty irritating and stressful thing for me, to the point where it has impacted my ability to write...

And the harasser doesn’t give a single fuck about it and just keeps going :’)

With such introduction, I decide to engage my least favorite person in this site once again because clearly, ignoring them, blocking them, closing asks, deleting and rewriting reviews, is still not enough to get across the message that reiterating an opinion a million times doesn’t automatically make it more valid. So let’s see just what’s going on with this very much desperate person who apparently can’t stop seeking my attention:

First of all, I asked this person, point-blank, to address their asks, if they would continue sending them, to my main blog. Let’s see how that request turned out:

Oh my, astonishing! They sent it to Gladiator’s blog instead! And what a bigger shock: they’re, as usual, trying to control and direct what I write and how I write it. While sprinkling empty compliments that don’t mean a thing, such as claiming RESPECT for me and my work when every single ask they’ve sent is an outright disrespectful act against me, considering how many times I’ve requested, directly, that they stop this, and how many times they’ve ignored me. It even is extra poignant considering my request for them to send asks to my main blog instead, and yet they deliberately sent it to Gladiator’s blog. This is what RESPECT looks like, in this anon’s head. Fascinating stuff, isn’t it?

And then comes the mad onslaught that left me facedesking for days:

... I mean. Can someone please read this and tell me the person on the other side, with their vague condition, whatever it may be, has any idea what an apology even MEANS? 

For someone who’s so obsessed with alleged consistency, you’re damn bad at it yourself, Anon. You can’t send four asks in a row, to the WRONG BLOG, demanding for explanations you don’t even care to read, because every single time I’ve taken your whining seriously you’ve disregarded all my responses and gone right back to the same BS as before, and THEN pretend you’re here TO APOLOGIZE.

You don’t feel any remorse. To this day, you don’t even KNOW what you did wrong. This is NOT expressing yourself: THIS IS HARASSMENT. Need me to define the word for you to understand what it means, seeing as it’s becoming abundantly clear your reading and interpretation skills are not the greatest?

Definitions of harassment:

1. (n) the act of tormenting by continued persistent attacks and criticism 2. (n)  a feeling of intense annoyance caused by being tormented

I’ve said it before: PEOPLE HAVE HAD COMPLAINTS ABOUT THIS STORY, FAR MORE VALID THAN YOURS, AND I’VE NEVER REACTED THIS WAY. Care to guess why?

Because you NEVER stop. Because you keep going, constantly, never slowing down to think YOUR behavior is affecting a REAL LIFE HUMAN BEING. You’re obsessing over what happens in a fictional story that, by the way, is a fanfic, ergo, it obeys certain rules that general fiction does not. Among such rules is abiding by ORIGINAL characterization to a certain extent, and that means, hahaha, that Azula ISN’T an experienced character in any social or romantic situations because she ISN’T in canon, and there was no reason to change that, especially considering the worldbuilding I crafted, which makes it CRUCIAL for Azula to be careful with her virtue, despite she doesn’t want to be and realizes the whole notion of female virginal purity is absolute BULLSHIT.

But why am I explaining anything anyway? You won’t understand it, because you don’t want to. You claim, constantly, that you’re asking things OUT OF CURIOSITY, as if that makes ANYTHING better, when the truth is you’re just here to impose your cursed opinions on everyone else, especially me, and pretend you somehow own this fic and ship and your demands mean more than anyone else’s. Meanwhile, oh, I understand you PERFECTLY: you don’t want Sokka to ever have any experiences with any other women because you only believe in pure, untainted love of virgins who wait for each other and don’t ever make mistakes or are forced into unwanted situations. Because, again, you can’t understand that those sorts of things CAN happen. Because you don’t see there’s nuance to human beings, nuance I attempt to capture through my characters too.

I said it semi-jokingly, back in my past answers, now I say it directly: IF YOU CAN’T STOMACH THESE SITUATIONS AND CAN’T ACCEPT THEM, THIS STORY IS NOT FOR YOU.

An M-rated story doesn’t owe you any apologies for being what it is. An M-rated story, at the end of the day, is a STORY. You are a human being who should be capable of controlling not only your impulses but your reactions to things, at least to some degree, and yet you refuse to. You, in fact, continue to prove you CAN’T control yourself in the least because hey, just now, halfway through writing this post? I got THREE MORE ASKS by you. No less than three. And you finished them off, again, with a pretense that you’re going to stop pestering me...

... But hey. You said that at the end of the last ask I pasted up there. Hmm. And yet...

You came back, over and over and over again? :’)

RIGHT ON ALL ACCOUNTS! So... how do TWENTY ASKS, after claims that you’d finally stop, count as “regret”? You’re not changing at all, anon, because YOU DON’T WANT TO. You don’t, to this day, see what you did wrong. You don’t get it. And you won’t get it. So how about we just keep going with the next four?

Oh! But hey, you actually switched blogs this time. Super sweet of you to finally listen to ONE thing I said. Very nice.

I’ll just point out: I received the last NINE asks I’ve pasted here in a SINGLE DAY.

Nine. In one day.

I only ever got that many asks in a single go during review parties (admittedly, there were more than that, but still). The fact that you felt the need to send me NINE ASKS, to beg for forgiveness with a completely dishonest apology, is all the proof of harassment anyone could possibly ask for, right? If you weren’t an anon and at least had the GUTS to own up to your opinions, which you seem to consider absolutely sacred and completely correct, you’d have never gotten away with this. Ergo why you don’t have those guts, and why you keep sending anon reviews and asks too.

The fact that you’re so obsessed with this problem, to the point of believing Sokka’s best sex was with JUNE? We’ve literally finished an entire arc of Sokka and Azula banging across the Fire Nation with no restraint, with the two of them repeatedly remarking this is the best time they’ve ever had, and you’re so completely obsessed with this problem that you apparently think Sokka angrily fucking someone WHILE DECEIVING HIMSELF INTO THINKING IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE is... better? Are you FOR REAL? Are you seriously THAT BAD at reading?

Please, click here. I can’t even stand it anymore. It’s not even for my own sake but yours. You need it.

Also... you’re projecting so bad. Like, so bad. June’s teasing in that chapter is 100% intended to piss them off. The fact that she starts asking for Azula to lend her her “second boyfriend”, AKA Rui Shi, should tell you just how much stock June puts in what happened between her and Sokka: SHE DOESN’T GIVE A DAMN. She’s honestly more entertained by pissing off Azula as a consequence of it than over the sex she had with Sokka, especially considering she even lost her temper with him after he started apologizing in 28. You’re so completely beside yourself you can’t see ANYTHING clearly?

If you REALLY need it spelled out, no, Sokka wasn’t June’s best sex. June has probably done anyone and everyone she ever wanted to, and chances are she absolutely found someone, or several someones, who actually wanted HER, for HER, just as much as she may have wanted them. And that, you insecure mess of a human being, would absolutely make for a much better lay than what she got with Sokka. Why don’t I outright state this in the story, you’ll ask? Because despite what you may believe, this story ISN’T a love triangle between Azula, Sokka and June! Oh my, the horror! We’ve literally spent 198 chapters building up the story and developing Azula and Sokka’s relationship but the ONE TIME encounter with June apparently makes her that pivotal for your whole existence?

Dude, I literally don’t look at 28 AT ALL these days, because I don’t care to. Because even when I wrote it, it hurt me so bad having written it that I was crazy about getting to everything else so I could put it behind me. Whenever I reference it, I do the same way I reference ANYTHING ELSE. The only person who seems to think I’m doing it to further torture anyone IS YOU. 

And yes, did I just say it hurt me too? Oh, my, what a SHOCKER! The fact is, that scene is only as intense as it is because I literally couldn’t bring myself to write it. It wasn’t until it came to mind that Sokka COULD imagine Azula in June’s place that I finally found the way to do it: it wasn’t just Sokka imagining Azula instead, it was ME. Because if it had been anything else? I wouldn’t have been able to write it at all. I basically wrote it as hatesex Sokkla because I NEEDED to in order to write it. “THEN WHY DID YOU EVEN WRITE IT?!?!?”, you’ll scream, I’m sure: BECAUSE I TREAT MY CHARACTERS AS HUMAN BEINGS WHO MAKE MISTAKES AND DO THINGS THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE. BECAUSE SOKKA WAS IN A DARK PLACE AND DIDN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT AZULA WAS FEELING OR THINKING. BECAUSE AZULA WAS IMPULSIVE AND CONTROLLING AND COULDN’T REALIZE THAT THE MORE SHE TRIED TO FORCE SOKKA TO BEND TO HER WILL, THE MORE HE WOULD TRY TO BREAK FREE.

But all this is clearly too complex for you. Can’t even fathom understanding anything remotely close to characterization and conflict within relationships, no. You’re something else entirely.

And so, we move on to the post-apology Anon: you DO realize that forgiveness is something earned? I mean, it’s kinda funny because Sokka actually earned his own. He spent ages working for it, and even AFTER Azula told him he was forgiven, he still feels so bad about having hurt her that, to this day, he regrets it. Being FORGIVEN was not a condition for him to feel remorse. He regretted his actions because HE KNEW THEY WERE WRONG. Because he’s an actual, decent human being who, when faced with a catastrophic mistake, actually wants to amend it and wishes he had acted differently despite he can’t take anything back anymore.

But you? You can’t even begin to understand what regret means. I guess another dictionary definition would help?

Definitions of regret

1. (v) feel remorse for; feel sorry for; be contrite about

2. (v)  feel sad about the loss or absence of

3. (v)  express with regret

4. (v)  decline formally or politely

5. (n)  sadness associated with some wrong done or some disappointment

So, your attempts to beg for forgiveness fall completely flat. And I say it in plural, ATTEMPTS, because in case you think I’m daft and forgot your old reviews and asks, I didn’t: THIS ISN’T YOUR FIRST ATTEMPT TO APOLOGIZE FOR THIS BULLSHIT. I thought I should clarify that, because heh, you have claimed you won’t come back, you have claimed you’re sorry, you have said many platitudes in the past that actually had no meaning... and I could tell they didn’t, which is why I never answered them. Because there was no way someone who had exhibited such obsessive behavior would actually control themselves and get over their issues after MONTHS of persistent harassment.

And so, you didn’t disappoint, because I had zero expectations that you’d actually abide by your apologies. Empty apologies, again, because to this moment you don’t even know what you did wrong. You don’t get it. To put it in the way I did for someone else who talked to me about this mess:

You could be complaining to me about something else entirely. You could be here, demanding that I explain why I’ve been writing Sokka killing people, for instance. You could be disregarding all sense, reason, historical precedents and what-have-you as to why a warmongering, canonically genocidal nation like the Fire Nation would ever have a system like the Gladiator League and enslave other cultures to do their bidding. 

And if you came back with those complaints PERSISTENTLY, FOR A YEAR, I’D BE JUST AS ANGRY AS I AM NOW.

It’s NOT about the situation you’re throwing a fit over. It’s NOT about me having it out for you. It’s about YOU not knowing limits or boundaries, going as far as you constantly, consistently have, ever seeking to twist my story into whatever warped, fucked up perception you’ve developed over it, without ever slowing down to think that your actions and your behavior are affecting someone else. I’m not just a rambling robot who can’t seem to stop talking or writing or whatever you may think I am: I’m an actual person with a FUCKLOAD of problems, who literally just had the WORST year of her life, and you just decided to continue adding to the pile, never slowing down to consider that your feelings, and your opinions, and your pain, does NOT invalidate other people’s, let alone does it make you EXEMPT of hurting others. Which, heh, if you knew how to read, you could’ve even LEARNED this from Gladiator! :’D 

Because Azula, so hurt as she was, took to hurting Sokka too, in many, many ways. And Sokka, once he understood how wrongly he had judged Azula, simply let her hurt him because he thought he deserved everything she threw at him. Later on? Azula realizes all the pain she caused Sokka COULD have led him to choose the White Lotus over her. She’s in a life-or-death situation, unable to fight back, and the ONLY reason she doesn’t get screwed over and captured by the enemy is because Sokka decides she matters more to him than joining forces with sketchy people who are out for revenge. But what if she’d hurt him more than she had? What if she’d done WORSE than she did? Maybe he would’ve been so hurt too that, at this point, he would’ve chosen the White Lotus and not only abandoned her but handed her over to her nation’s enemies! :’) oh, the horror. Is it really that unthinkable? Why, it’s not to me. And why not? Because if Azula had been as unforgiving and unyielding as you are, if she had been so obsessive over whatever caused her pain and refused to move on... this story would SUCK. BADLY.

Makes you wonder what that says about your mentality, doesn’t it?

Alas, after all this digression as to why your behavior is absolutely appalling to me, let’s see what you did indeed, right after your absolutely shallow apology that was obviously not sincere, because you don’t regret having bothered me at all, you just regret that I won’t abide by your whining...

Is THIS what an apologetic, remorseful person looks like? Really, now? Honestly, if Sokka were half as bad as you are, he would’ve slept with half the Fire Nation by now while constantly coming back to Azula like “Oh woops did it again, sorry!”

Yes, I can honestly make the link pretty easily. Must be why you keep assuming he’ll ever be with someone else, because if you were in his place, you would do exactly that :’) beautiful how things just come full circle, isn’t it?

That ask came as a response to another, potentially ill-intended one, potentially sent by you too. An ask I answered with a whole list of unique things Sokka has done for Azula. Not only did you NOT understand the list’s purpose despite you may have even been the one to ask for it... but you took a line directly referencing OBVIOUS events like chapters 64, 69 and 93, moments in which Azula either put a stop to opportunities where she and Sokka might have ended up going too far, and he accepted it without complaint... or Sokka himself put a stop to them, KNOWING that Azula would be taking a huge risk if she gave herself to him completely as she does from 97 onwards. That you literally took something that was SO VERY OBVIOUS, and twisted it into chapter 28 again speaks LENGTHS of how absolutely messed up your perception and interpretation of this whole story is. You have issues. Serious issues. And I’m not saying this just to be an ass, I’m saying it because it’s clear as day that if you CAN’T stop linking absolutely everything I say or do to chapter 28, whether it’s being referenced or not (and in this case, it was NOT), the problem isn’t me, IT’S YOU.

And here we go again. You are actually trying to POLICE the Sokkla fandom at this point? An ANON? And hey, you returned to the Gladiator blog! Which means you were so pissed that I didn’t answer your previous asks and your phony apology because I KNEW you’d come back that even your teeny, tiny behavioral correction was pulled back because you were MAD. And you HAD TO MAKE YOUR OPINIONS KNOWN, AGAIN.

Do tell, are you the same ass who harassed a pretty new friend I’ve made in this fandom? An honestly solid writer who happens to feature Sokka having other, prior relationships to Azula because, haha, if you work with CANON settings, that’s basically guaranteed since Sokka already has canon relationships before even knowing Azula exists? And then, even if in those experiences Sokka ends up going “... I bet it’d be better with Azula”, you STILL take this as a slight and you consider it a reason to go around harassing writers and potentially even THREATENING to report their content because you’re mad that Sokka isn’t exclusively Azula’s in every single story you pick up?

The worst part is, I actually wrote at least 2 stories in my Saturdays’ oneshots where Azula and Sokka are each other’s first everything, absolutely so. And I got nothing from you for it, not even a teeny tiny “HEY THANK YOU YOU FINALLY WROTE WHAT I WANTED TO SEE!”. No, you only come out of your hole to ATTACK writers. To tell us what to do when you think we’re not doing it right. As if you had the SLIGHTEST right to tell ANYONE what to do.

I literally have been here for EIGHT YEARS. I’ve been creating content for this ship for that long, when nobody else was anymore. I won’t take credit for the ship’s rise in popularity, despite yes, it’s far from a major ship no matter how far we’ve come... but my story didn’t reach the heights it has out of sheer dumb luck. I worked my ass off with Gladiator in every way I could to make it a story of the scope and depth it deserved to be, and the fact that people who didn’t even ship Sokkla were interested in reading the story all the same has always been something I take pride on. A ton of multishippers read this story, and support Sokkla too: neither you nor ANYONE has any right to demand or claim or pretend that someone else has no right to be part of this fandom or to set guidelines as to what their content should be. There’s LITERAL stories out there of Sokka having a goddamn HAREM, just so you know, with Azula included amongst the women involved in it... and you’re here, throwing a fit over people featuring Sokka having one-time encounters and brief relationships with other girls before committing completely to Azula.

I’ve been here, working my ass off for Sokkla, not only in writing but literally developing my art skills to the best of my ability so I could ONE DAY create the visuals and images these two evoked for me... 

And yet I don’t feel I have any right to tell ANYONE how to make their content. 

If there was a set number of words in fics or artworks someone needed to make for a ship to prove themselves worthy of obtaining the skill of GATEKEEPING, I am 100% positive I have more than outdone that limit.

And yet I DON’T play gatekeeper. I NEVER have, and I NEVER will. People can create whatever they want to create, whether I enjoy it or not is up to me, and if I DON’T enjoy it, I DON’T read it. If there’s Sokkla content out there I can’t even STOMACH? I would ignore it and move on with my life. You? You make it your whole life’s crusade to attack people over anything that tickles you wrong. That’s how it works, isn’t it?

Unless you’re planning on pulling a Scooby-Doo-esque twist where you remove your mask and reveal you were a known Sokkla fan and content creator all along, which I find ABSOLUTELY unlikely, then this means you haven’t done anything, ANYTHING, for this fandom beyond sending anonymous harassment to people who are actually taking time out of their lives to create content for this ship. The main reaction I’ve seen at you from ANY of us, whether anons like yourself or actual content creators like myself, is that you have too much time on your hands and need a better hobby. And I agree, completely.

So, where people like me and my fellow Sokkla creators are actually making content that convinces people, if not to ship it, to at least CONSIDER this ship a possibility... you’re out there, in hiding, pretending you have any right to tell us what to do and going ignored on most accounts. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: if I had any respect for someone, and they either stopped responding to me or started responding by telling me to leave them alone, I’d feel like such stain of garbage I’d never even try to interact with them again. While people absolutely can be different and react differently to things... I can’t see how, exactly, you have any respect for me when knowing you’re a problem for me has never stopped you and most likely never will.

I’ll admit, this one actually made me laugh. Like... you’re seriously trying to tell me that a sex scene was way too good and that’s why I have to change it. I actually disagree on every account, because the last time I revisited 28 I thought the scene was absolutely distant from my best work? I’ve written soooo much smut recently and literally any of those scenes kicks 28 out of any “best smut” contest by MILES. But... heh. This one, apparently, was too good.

I mean... thank you? For telling me that my smut skills are apparently that great they need to be toned down? Fascinating, really.

But again, “it sadly seems to be a too late to write chapter 28″. Sadly?

SADLY?

You can stick your sadness up where the sun doesn’t shine, dude: 

SOMEONE WHO THREW SUCH A FIT OVER THEIR REVIEWS BEING REWRITTEN SHOULD

NEVER

TELL SOMEONE ELSE THAT IT’S TOO BAD THEY CAN’T REWRITE ANY OF THEIR CONTENT.

EVER

You can’t pretend, again, that you were EVER sorry for ANY of what you did... while still trying to tell someone they should rewrite their content. Honest to gods, you’re an asshole. You are. And if you think I’m one too, great, I own up to it gladly. But you’re the one willingly intoxicating their brain with my content, only to consistently go MAD over it, and then unleash this kind of illogical nonsense right back at me. I know art can generate a myriad of responses, but I am NOT responsible for your immaturity and inability to handle serious subjects and topics that SHOULD MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE. If you don’t KNOW how to deal with the fact that there’s a lot of questionable, dislikeable things in this world, then my damn story is the least of your concerns because you’re well on your way to leading a VERY miserable life, Anon. Better get ready for it, will you?

And again, the Gladiator blog. Again, pretending to be well-mannered, and also, again, using the world “sadly”, same as the ask above. Like... man, what on earth is wrong with you. Are you seriously this masochistic? Do you also drink arsenic for sport? What on EARTH brings you the belief that asking how far or how much was done between Sokka and his previous one-night-stands would help you IN ANY WAY, WHATSOEVER? 

I think I’ll answer that question, for once, with actual quotes, taken right from some of your favorite chapters, no less:

"When you and Ruon Jian got married, was he…?" she asked. Mai only raised a confused eyebrow, and Azula had the distinct feeling that Mai knew what she was talking about, but would force her to blurt it out anyways. She sighed: "A virgin."

Ty Lee's hands flew to her mouth as Mai raised her eyebrows. To Azula's astonishment, she merely shrugged.

"I don't know. I never asked," she said. Azula snorted.

"Then you're smarter than me. By far," she grunted. Mai smirked.

And as things digress there into Azula explaining what happened, let’s skip that and go straight to Mai’s direct answer:

"I've never asked Ruon Jian about whether or not he had anything serious with other girls before me because I seriously don't care," said Mai. "If I knew about it, I'd probably have a bout of jealousy like yours, I suppose… but it's in his past, and he left them behind to make me his present and his future. So, whatever he might have experienced before, with however many women there were, isn't something I'm overly concerned about."

"You're awfully mature compared to me if that's the case," said Azula, slipping her fingers through her hair again. Mai smirked.

"You've been complimenting me quite a lot today, Azula, that's not like you…"

"Shut up," Azula grunted. Mai chuckled.

:’) 

This is the only answer this ask warrants. The fact that you’re so immature and so obsessed as to want to know more about what happened with something you HATE is completely cringeworthy and absurd. If you want to get angry imagining Sokka having wild sex with every woman who crosses his path, go ahead and do it, but do us both a favor and torture yourself, and yourself alone, with those thoughts rather than coming back TWENTY TIMES to my inbox looking for MORE reasons to get angry. You’re honestly unbelievable.

You know, that reading comprehension site I linked up there? Courses, 20% off! Seriously, perfect fit for you. You need it, direly.

Like... how can someone read a story built on the premise of Azula literally defeating Sokka painfully in battle to the point he’s left unable to move, taking Sokka away from home, turning him into a slave, being objectively responsible for the WORST TWO YEARS OF HIS LIFE... and then come to my inbox asking if Azula will ever hurt Sokka?

Dude, you’re off the deep end. You can’t even pretend you have a grasp on reality if you SERIOUSLY THINK Azula has NEVER hurt Sokka. Like, seriously, it feels like you’re reading this truncated version of Gladiator that’s only chapters 28, 111, 112 and perhaps 123? Is that what’s going on?

I’ve had Sokka and Azula arguing over ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING, whether for humorous or for serious purposes, since the very beginning of the story. Their first serious falling out is LITERALLY caused by the direct conflict of their worldviews clashing in chapter 12. Their second falling out was indeed caused by women: by Azula’s discovery that Sokka didn’t want to fight women, which of course, doesn’t bother you in the least because you and I both know that’s NOT what your problem was.

I could literally run through the whole story listing every single argument they’ve had, every single time they’ve hurt each other if that’s what you want: their first time? It literally comes from a very serious argument where Sokka believed he had reached the pinnacle of his potential as a fighter and feared Azula would need someone else to achieve her goals instead of him.

AND YOU’RE SERIOUSLY HERE ASKING IF THEY’LL EVER ARGUE OVER ANYTHING ELSE.

You don’t read this story. This ask absolutely proved it to me. You only read chapter 28 and everything potentially connected to Sokka having anything with other women. You don’t CARE about anything else, simply. Because if anything actually had ANY impact on you? You’d say something about it. But the only thing that touches your weird heart is Sokka sleeping with anyone else or having any potentially romantic interactions with someone else, whether he rejects them or not. 

You don’t care about Gladiator. You only care about your ego, and the validation of your worldview and puritanic morals.

And to that I say, fuck that noise. I write whatever the hell I want to write, and you’re not going to rope me into playing it safe just to please insecure harassers who don’t know boundaries and are completely incapable of empathizing with anyone while demanding everyone should understand their feelings.

Final note on this matter: you, also, have no idea what love is. You plain and simple don’t understand it. You’re even more confused by what love should be than Azula was at the start of this story. You don’t get it, AT ALL.

All you want is for them to get even on things? You literally asked me, when I was in my angry spree of deleting your bullshit, to make Azula and her future husband have happy consensual quality sex with who knows how many orgasms... because it was only fair!

AGAIN: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND LOVE IN THE LEAST.

If you think love is about getting even, you’re seriously an asshole. If you think love is about both people being 100% equal in social regards and experiences, you don’t even UNDERSTAND human relations. Do you live in a bubble, by any chance? Maybe you do! You must have zero contact with anyone other than people with your same puritanic beliefs, right? So that means you assume everyone who’s different from you is fundamentally a bad person? I take it?

Like... literally at this point I think you’d hear about someone who was abused in their childhood, molested, and your reaction would simply be “Oh wow I hope someone molests whoever they end up marrying too, so that way they may be even in the future and been molested by the exact same number of people, otherwise it’s not really love��.

This is fucking sick. I’m not holding back at this point, it’s SICK. It’s TWISTED. It’s VILE. Your mentality is absolutely repulsive to me. You don’t know what love is, and you have the most literal, obvious change to understand it better by reading this story properly, but instead you just read chapter 28 over and over and over again, isn’t that right?

And here’s the evidence of that. You really want me to answer that last question?

No, it doesn’t bug me to read that AT ALL. Because unlike you? I don’t obsessively reread 28 while disregarding everything else in the story. Unlike you, I don’t revisit the chapter every day to pick apart every line to look for reasons to get extra angry at those developments.

Most of us, when faced with things we DON’T like in fiction? We move past it. You, instead, dig yourself into a hole and continue digging, and then pretend to hold other people responsible for whatever impact this may be having on your psyche. Because yes, you’re holding me responsible for whatever trauma or insecurity this is awakening inside you when you continue to pester me as you have: if you’re an adult, you should have the tools and brains to determine what is and what isn’t acceptable behavior, as well as to curate your own experiences with media, with fandom, with EVERYTHING to do with these communities. If you choose to look for things to hate instead of things to love, THAT’S ON YOU.

And if you’re allegedly looking for things to love but can’t find ANY that suit your purposes (which... is bullshit. Clearly, your only priority is “Sokka must be a virgin who never had anything with anyone else”, and such stories DO exist, which I guarantee considering I’ve written at least THREE of them, where it’s absolutely stated that Sokka’s first and only one is Azula)...

Well, it’s funny. Because when I got here? I was looking for some very specific fics so I could explore whether or not Sokkla made any sense. And I didn’t find them.

Which resulted...

... In me writing the very stories I wanted to see.

Oh, my. Imagine taking your impulses and channeling them into something productive rather than looking for reasons to get angry 24/7! Must be such a NOVEL CONCEPT for you!

Seriously, you have no right to dictate what anyone does. Again, worth bringing up because you INSIST on the rewriting matter. Even if you’re claiming you’re done asking for it, you somehow KEEP bringing it up. And then you act like me mentioning 28′s events here or there in the story is absolutely outrageous... but you just go right on ahead and do the same thing yourself, don’t you? Funny how much of a hypocrite you really are, isn’t it?

The fact that you’re bringing up something I have NEVER written, and have NO INTENTIONS of ever writing, as some sort of stupid, ridiculous argument to be made AGAINST the post I literally reblogged TODAY... is just absurd beyond belief.

The fact that I ever even wrote Sokka cheating on Suki with Azula, which I DID, still bothers me. Because yes, it made for a good story, but the truth is, it doesn’t sit well with me. It worked in The Reason, worked in my collab story with a friend, but it doesn’t mean I feel 100% happy with that choice. Even if the cheating only amounted to a kiss in The Reason, and then a lot worse than just that in the other story, it’s still not cool! :’) I know this!

... And yet no one, NO ONE, has ever caught me writing Sokka cheating on Azula. In fact, when my collab story with my friend seemed to start moving towards that angle I BEGGED her not to do it, and then she didn’t, and my heart was deeply relieved and blissful for it. Because not only did it mean we wouldn’t have to deal with the very controversial and unsettling notion of someone in a good relationship cheating on their significant other... but because in that story, it also showed how much he had grown, and how he was truly devoted to Azula despite he hadn’t been to Suki.

But alas, I have my qualms with that concept, of course I do. And I don’t like it. Ergo, I’ll never write it.

Which begs the question as to WHY, exactly, you’re so obsessed with the notion of Sokka cheating on Azula? Like... do you get off on it? Are you wanking at the idea of Sokka and June every single night and then wake up feeling like crap and then take it out on me, by any chance? Is that what’s going on? Because I’m seriously starting to believe it is.

You clearly don’t understand anything about storytelling, which is probably why you don’t have the guts to create your own content in the first place. But the fact that I reblog a post about how conflict in a story is GOOD, and your first thought is “THEN THAT MEANS YOU APPROVE OF SOKKA CHEATING!” actually says A LOT MORE about you than it says about me. You need help. Clearly, the therapy site I was sending you to the last time wasn’t much good, was it? I guess you just ignored it in the end. Hopefully the reading comprehension one will suit you better, right?

Fuck you, seriously, for coming to someone who has been working this hard for this long, for a ship that they’re completely devoted to, to spout this kind of senseless shit. To think you seriously ever believed I’d accept your half-assed apologies when you’ve been doing this sort of bullshit for this long... you’re a piece of work. If you have the time to write that BULLSHIT into my inbox, at the very least use that time to look INWARD and ponder just what your damn problem is, resolve it on your own, AND LEAVE ME THE HELL OUT OF IT. Someone as immature and unstable as you has no business reading M-rated fiction, and I honestly rue the day you ever clicked my story. Both your life and mine would be countless times better if you simply had scrolled past it.

And on and on we went today. The THREE MORE ASKS that arrived as I was typing this insanely long response. Which resulted in you bumping the total, successfully, to 20. MIGHTY NICE OF YOU TO PROVE ME RIGHT! :’)

Now then, getting serious here... I must say your priorities are fucked. Like. Really fucked.

You’d rather Sokka tries to KILL AZULA than have a one-time sexual encounter with someone?

Like... you’re here, condoning VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN to that extent...? :’D and then you... you actually have the balls to whine because apparently him  hurting her feelings is WORSE?!

Are you EVEN LISTENING TO YOURSELF???

You know, I think I have to offer you some REALLY good advice right now: go watch Naruto. Seriously, all of it. Go watch it, and enjoy your sweet loins’ release once Sasuke and Sakura start trying to kill each other, ONLY TO END UP TOGETHER AT THE END! :’) They were both 100% faithful to each other too, in the sense of Sakura getting depicted as a girl who can’t ever get over the guy she had a crush on when she was 6, no matter if he tries to kill her or her friends once he starts to go off the deep end, and Sasuke getting depicted as a guy who treats everyone like garbage, even the people he loves, because his manpain story somehow validates him being absolutely toxic to everyone he knows, so that’s absolutely up your alley! 100% the love story you’ve been looking for! You’re gonna LOVE IT.

Man, I just can’t believe you. I really can’t believe you. You’re seriously asking me to feature Sokka trying to kill Azula because that’s more acceptable to you. There was a story out there, you know? With Azula basically using Sokka to commit suicide, impaling herself on his sword and dying? You should just go look for that too, perfect fit for you (though it may be gone from the depths of this wretched site by now, which tbh I’d be grateful for, since it was the most unsettling, disturbing read).

Also? Thank you, truly, for all  the remarkably shallow compliments you’ve thrown at me to “soften” your “criticism” (which, again, is whining, not legitimate criticism). Calling me a capable writer is super NICE of you, especially after all these months of persistent harassment and constant repetition that I should rewrite whatever you don’t like. I mean... that’s definitely the way someone treats a capable writer, isn’t that right? 

“The problem isn’t conflict it’s what the conflict is”, the anon says. I’ve been writing a story for 8 years, 198 chapters and counting... and I’ve had a ton of different types of conflicts for Sokka and Azula to deal with. If your problem is “I don’t like this conflict”, FINE. But... hey. There have been THOUSANDS of other sources of conflict across the story, so many I don’t think I can even promise I’d ever take my time to count them all... there’s whole ARCS with conflicts regarding world politics and the war’s consequences and both Azula and Sokka completely changing their worldviews as they realize their realities are soooo much more complicated than they ever knew...!

Ergo. There ARE other conflicts. There are SO MANY of them that there’s no point in even listing it all out.

And yet you are obsessed with the one conflict you didn’t like, outright acting like THIS IS THE ONLY CONFLICT THERE EVER WAS, as proven by that preposterous and mindless “when will Azula ever hurt Sokka” ask. The one development you were pissed at, because it tickled your loins the wrong way. Oh yes, I’m a capable writer, I could’ve done things differently...!

BUT I DIDN’T!

And aren’t you thrilled that I didn’t? You would be a complete nobody in this fandom if this hadn’t happened, because otherwise what would you POSSIBLY have to complain about?! To harass someone about?! You’d be SO BORED! You’d be so unknown, nobody would even be aware of your existence...!

Though.

Wait.

You’re an anon.

You’re unreachable and nobody really knows who you are.

... So never mind, you actually still are a complete nobody in this fandom and your only attempt to even take part in it is to be a negative, irritating presence that literally makes people facepalm, laugh and ridicule you to the extent I and many others have laughed at you.

And yes, that post I reblogged was 100% worth reblogging. Why? Because it hits the nail on the head:

I DIDN’T WRITE 28 SO YOU’D BE HAPPY WITH SOKKA.

I DIDN’T WRITE THAT CHAPTER TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK “OH WOW WHAT A WHOLESOME SITUATION”.

I WROTE IT BECAUSE IT WAS MEANT TO DETONATE CONFLICT AND SPEED UP CHARACTER GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT, WHICH IT DID.

And the thing is? Maybe, in the future, I’ll write other stories, just as I wrote the Saturdays’ stories, and Sokka won’t have either meaningful or worth mentioning encounters with anyone else in them. Maybe I’ll write original fiction, and there won’t be any twists like what happened in 28! 

But you will never get over this.

You will never care about any other content beyond this.

And that’s your failing, not mine.

If you would rather obsess over what makes you angry, that’s on YOU. But I’m damn sure I wrote a pretty reasonable conflict, character-wise, that was not only consistent with characterization but with the slightly darker take of the Avatarverse I’ve been working with. Not only that, but I NEVER skipped the consequences of their actions. I literally had them facing those consequences for whole arcs. Sokka assumed he’d never have a chance to be with Azula and made his peace with it, WITHOUT EVER PRETENDING HIS DEVELOPING FEELINGS FOR AZULA WERE ANYTHING THAT ENTITLED HIM TO HER LOVE IN RETURN. But oh, that’s too complex for you to understand, isn’t it? The fact that Sokka actually loves Azula for her, and not for himself, that he devotes himself to her in every imaginable way, that he fights people who dare disrespect her, that he would stop at NOTHING, even coming close to killing someone, to keep her safe despite he’s completely against killing people? That all means NOTHING to you.

And again? THAT’S YOUR PROBLEM. THAT’S YOUR FAILING. THAT YOU’RE SO OBSESSED WITH 28 AND CAN’T MOVE PAST IT IS NOT MY FAULT, IT’S YOURS.

Because I damn right moved past it. I’ve moved so far past it I literally don’t ever THINK about that damn situation until your stupid asks start arriving. Heck, maybe if you didn’t ASK so much about it, I’d stop bringing it up in recent chapters of the story :’) how do you feel about that particular kernel of unexpected information? Maybe you’re impacting the story in a whole shocking manner by inception-ing 28 into my head all the time and that’s why I can’t seem to stop throwing in lines referencing it for you to go completely BONKERS over. How about that? :’)

Say... how exactly do you think this fic is special? Literally all I know is you think I’m a capable writer who can create something perfectly catered for you, and yet ALL the feedback I’ve ever gotten from you is “REWRITE 28 AND EVERYTHING ABOUT SOKKA HAVING ANYTHING WITH OTHER GIRLS I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS I’M GENUINELY CURIOUS THIS IS LEGITIMATE CRITICISM SIGNING OFF BYE”. Your compliments are completely devoid of meaning because they’re literally just a handful of “you’re a good writer” and you don’t even say WHY you think I’m good. You don’t ever come here to tell me how much you enjoyed a certain scene, or how happy you are with a certain development... No.

Because when Sokka and Azula got married? What did I get?

“HOW CAN YOU LET SOKKA AND AZULA GET MARRIED NOW WHEN HE SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE IN CHAPTER 28?!”

I wish I had screenshots for those, but you and I both know the truth, you irksome anon, and the truth is you did exactly that. And with every new development in Shu Jing, I got yet more reviews and ask(s), persistently whining about how UNFAIR it is that now Azula apparently is locked in marriage with this unfaithful man who has been unfaithful to her a grand total number of ZERO TIMES ever since their relationship began! How DARES he even think about marrying her?! Scourge of earth, let’s murder him in cold blood because DEATH IS BETTER THAN CHEATING!!!

If you think highly of Gladiator for ANY REASON, you’ve kept those reasons well and safely tucked away in the depths of your broken heart or shared them with anyone but me. Look at all these asks, damn you, and tell me at what point in time did you convey ANYTHING beyond “why don’t you write what I want you to write?”, huh? Because hell, I don’t see it in any of them. Literally nowhere. No backwards (: emojis are compliments or evidence of how much this story allegedly means to you. All I know is that you hate 28 and everything about it.

And you see...

I don’t give a flying fuck. 

I don’t.

You can hate 28 all you want.

You can hate June.

You can hate Sokka.

It is, INDEED, a free world.

But you have no right, NONE WHATSOEVER, to commit to this level of harassment as you have, for A WHOLE YEAR, and pretend the problem is that I, Seyary, the “evil super-sensitive author who writes Sokka sleeping with other people and doesn’t even break a sweat but then crumbles to pieces when “negative” feedback arrives”, can’t handle your comments properly.

I’ve said it before, damn you: NO ONE NEEDS TO REITERATE THEIR OPINIONS A MILLION TIMES. NO ONE. NOT YOU, NOT THE PEOPLE DEMANDING FOR THE PLOT TO KICK INTO HIGH GEAR, NOT THE ONES WHO THINK THIS SHIP IS GARBAGE, NOT ANYONE.

NO ONE HAS ANY RIGHT OR REASON TO COME BACK PERSISTENTLY THORUGHOUT A YEAR TO HARASS SOMEONE NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES THEY’RE TOLD TO STOP IT.

Point being: HATE WHAT YOU WILL! But keep it the fuck off my blog. And if you CAN’T? Get used to these responses. Because you’re going to get them, constantly. I guarantee it.

I know your damn opinion already. I know it by heart and I damn wish I didn’t. You are perfectly free to go read all the other stories where I’ve had Sokka staying faithful to Azula, with Azula being his first, or with Azula being much more experienced and sleeping around while Sokka stays mostly chaste... but you don’t. You come back, every time, to my miserable inbox that must cry every time you show up in it, to make these demands and pretend you have any power over what I should be writing.

Again, no, I have no idea why this story matters to you at all. And at this point? I’d rather NOT know. Because I’m 100% sure the only thing that matters most to you is chapter 28. So you know, go ahead, wank to it again and cry yourself to sleep. It’s kind of fascinating to have written something that has such a visceral emotional impact on a complete and total stranger. Makes it clear I’ve made a lot of progress as a writer if I can fuck up someone’s life to this extent with what I’ve written.

Yeah. Sure. You really think I’ll buy it? You really think this is goodbye? Oh, no, Anon. You can’t stay away. You’ve been told to, you’ve been asked to, but you can’t.

So no, I’m not wishing you good luck back. And I’m certainly not wishing you any fun with my fic, because it’s more than clear that the only source of entertainment it provided you was chapter 28, seeing as it’s the only impactful thing I apparently ever wrote. And someone who’s that obsessed with one of the chapters I most disliked writing despite I knew the plot would benefit from it in the long run simply can’t deserve to have fun. So... good suffering over Gladiator, if anything? Go ahead and continue to wrack your brain while trying to unravel why, oh, why would ANYONE ever write what I wrote and still call themselves a Sokkla shipper?! 

I dunno, maybe go on and write something similar yourself. Could be you’ll finally figure out what your problem is if you take to writing the cheating storylines you’re so very much obsessed with. Only, heh, I can guarantee I’m not touching anything you write, out of principle more than anything. I plain and simple don’t want anything to do with you... but as I don’t intend to close my inbox again, it seems I have no choice, do I?

Good fucking luck sticking to this alleged goodbye... but we both know you’ll be coming back very soon, won’t you? No worries, Anon, I’ll be waiting this time. Let’s see if you can break your 20-ask-streak record next time, shall we? :’)

It’s December 13th, at 2:32 PM, in my location. Let’s see how long it takes you to come back, shall we?

EDIT: I neglected to check constantly so it definitely arrived earlier than this, but officially received a response at least 2 hours after this post went live.

Didn’t I call it? Yep, absolutely called it.

[shoutoismybaby]

Enouement- Ch 1

Pregnant!Reader X Bakusquad boy (He is a secret until next chapter! Can you guess who it is?)

Enouement- The bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self.

Hi! This is inspired by all of those unexpected pregnancy AU’s that I love reading, but it always made me sad they were only a one-shot, so I turned it into a chaptered series! I hope you enjoy and tell me who you think the boyfriend is!

(also special thanks to @liliesoftherain for helping me with this story, a true MVP that you should follow)

masterlist/ part2

***

This wasn’t supposed to happen. It was a one-time thing, an accident. After being together for 2 years you both had finally turned 18 and decided it was time to take the next step in your relationship. You didn’t think that this would happen. You were careful every time after, neither of you thought that this would be the outcome of a one-time thing. He COULDN’T know this was the outcome, he couldn’t know that there was any outcome at all.

But there was, and it sat there in your shaking hands, a small test with two lines. Tears welled up in your eyes as you muttered to yourself about how this couldn’t be happening. You were on winter break, graduation was only 3 months away!

Could you hide it until then? You could only be about 2 months now, so no way that would be possible. Should you even hide it in the first place? Could you even take care of a baby? Did you want to give up your dreams of being a hero for a baby? And what about…

No. You couldn’t do that to him. You could never ruin his dream, a baby would set him back so far. He would never be able to forgive you. Even if he did, you wouldn’t be able to forgive yourself. Not only that but he totally was not mature enough to even think about being a parent. Those thoughts only left you with one option, abortion. You knew you couldn’t talk to your parents about it, or you felt like you couldn’t anyway. They would be so disappointed in you. Not only that an abortion sounded so terrifying to you.

Would they have to reach inside of you? Suck the baby out?

The thought of it made you nauseous.

“(Y/n), you alright?” you heard your mother’s voice from outside the door, “you’ve been in there for a while.”

“You having diarrhea?” Your dad laughed, and you hear the ‘ow’ that left his mouth after being elbowed by your mom. You quickly wiped your eyes and tried to clear your throat,

“Yeah,” you tried to figure out an excuse, “I was um, just fixing my hair.”

The last few days of winter break went by pretty smoothly, though you couldn’t help but feel like puking every time you thought of the test you had buried into your trashcan. Going back to the dorms was nowhere near easy, however, morning sickness hit you hard and excusing yourself from class in time to run to the bathroom was one of the most difficult things you had ever accomplished. Luckily for you, no one seemed suspicious of your changing behavior. In fact, your boyfriend just thought your increased appetite was cute. Part of it was probably due to being in different classes, you used to hate being in class 3-b, but at the moment it was giving you the time away from your boyfriend that you feared would reveal your secret.

“Hey, (Y/n), you okay?” your boyfriend’s happy voice broke through your thoughts. “You’ve been spaced out a lot recently.”

“Yeah I’m okay,” you tried to bring yourself back to the present, “it’s just that even though it’s only been a couple of weeks since break I’m already worried about our final.”

It wasn’t a lie. While you were worried about the exam, your biggest fear wasn’t about knowing the answers. No, you were terrified at the thought of not being able to take it in the first place.

“What do you mean, you've got nothing to worry about babe!” His chipper attitude brought a much-needed smile to your face.

“Yeah, you’re like totally smart!” Mina agreed, the rest of the Bakusquad you spent most time out of class with made various noises in agreement. 

“Thanks, guys, but I’m more worried about the application portion. I heard the teachers won’t be wearing any restrictions thi-” Your phone buzzing on the table cut you off. Your boyfriend picked it up for you,

“It’s your mom,” he said, handing it over. You stood up and ruffled his hair gently,

“I’ll be back,” You answered the call once you stepped out of the cafeteria, “Hey mom, what's up?”

“Hey honey, I just have a question.” Her voice sounded shaky and a nervousness built up in your stomach.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, of course. Your father and I just decided to get started on some cleaning, he wanted to beat the neighbors to spring cleaning, you know how he is.” Her laugh didn’t comfort you as much as it usually would.

“Yeah,” was the only way you could respond. You could tell that she was upset, but what was it about. “Is dad okay?”

“He went into your room to get your trash today.”

Your heart sunk.

“Mom I-”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Her voice broke and tears sprung up into your eyes. 

“I was scared! I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me, it was an accident and I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do!” Your voice sounded strangled as you struggled to not sob in the middle of the hallway.

“Honey if you have this baby,  your hero career will be ruined. You might not even be able to graduate at this point.”

“I know that,” you sniffled and wiped at your watering eyes.

“But Does your boyfriend?” It was a reasonable question but it caused a sharp pain to shoot through your chest.

“No,” You walked over to the window to watch the snowfall outside,

“(Y/n), you need to tell him,” Obviously you knew that, but you just couldn’t.

“He’ll hate me! I just- I don’t… I don’t want the baby. I want to be a hero, and I can’t ruin his life like that.” You could hear her sigh as you wiped at your eyes.

“Listen, I’m going to pick you up from school, and we will figure out what to do okay?” You could only mutter in agreement before wiping your eyes some more. You turned away from the windows and back to the doors of the cafeteria only to let out a startled gasp. Standing in front of the doors was The Bakugou Katsuki.

“B-Bakugou, I don’t know what you think you heard but I can assure you it’s definitely not what it seems li-”

“You’re pregnant?” His eyes were blown wide open, and while you had seen him shocked in battle before, you had never seen him look so agape. Your once loose grip on your phone tightened to the point your hand ached in protest. The soft fabric of your shirt as you held the device close to your chest did little to comfort you as you began to shake.

“No, it’s not like that, I just..” Your grip on your phone slackened and your arms dropped to your sides, Bakugou wasn’t going to believe whatever shitty excuse you came up with, so you gave up.

“You’re fucking pregnant.” His eyes pierced through you and you couldn’t help but look down at the ground in shame.

“Yeah,” Your headshot up along with your hands, phone abandoned in your pocket, “but you cant tell! No one can know.”

“You’re not going to tell him?” His brows furrowed now, looking deeper to how you were used to seeing his face,

“Who knows what he would do if he found out! Hate me, leave me, give up on his dream to take care of the-” You pause, some part of you can not bring yourself to say the word once again. The whole situation was already too real for you. “I just need to deal with it by myself, then it won’t matter and everything can go back to feeling normal!”

“Is that what you want?” His voice was uncharacteristically gentle,

“What are you talking about, what do you mean?” You scrunch your face in confusion. Not only did you have no idea what you were going to do, but now Bakugou was acting weird. As the blonde moved to open his mouth he was cut off by the bell. You both knew that your conversation would have to end there as people were about to walk through the door, and the relief caused your body to slacken.

The rest of the day went by pretty fast, other than hero training which really wore you out. You walked as slowly as possible to avoid seeing your parent’s faces again. You knew they would be in the parking lot of the cafe across the street, and they would be so disappointed in you. So you lingered about once school ended, spending some extra time hanging out with the Bakusquad. You were trying to be as normal as you could, but that unwavering stare you felt on your back just made your nerves skyrocket. You wanted to say you were being paranoid, you really did, that Bakugou glared at everyone. Yet the longer he looked the more unease you felt that wasn’t one of his normal stares

Would he ruin everything for you? He understood that this wasn’t his place to tell right? Plus, when had the Bakugou Katsuki ever cared about things that weren’t supposed to involve him? Still, he did what he wanted when he wanted, and that was that. His extremely strong set of morals is what guided him in life, despite what some liked to believe. He was definitely going to let your secret spill. If he did that then..

Oh god, you needed to get rid of this baby. It could ruin everything you worked for, and you couldn't imagine living without your boyfriend by your side. He was such a happy guy who lit up every room he walked into. His smile was contagious and he always knew how to cheer you up. This time though, you knew that this was something you would have to deal with without him, even though you hated the idea of keeping a secret as big as this. You two were so honest with each other, you were open books the other could read at any moment. But if he knew about the baby..

You must have cradled your stomach without thinking because everyone started looking at you weirdly,

“Is your stomach upset (Y/n)?” Your boyfriend was at your side, concerned for you as always. You wondered if he could tell something was wrong.

“Maybe you should head home and rest, we can’t afford you getting sick!” The group agreed with Mina, and strangely that included Bakugou.

“Yeah, you should go home to your parents.” He grumbled the others teased him about caring for you, but you saw the look in his eyes. You knew what he was thinking.

With that, you turned and headed towards the gates of UA high.

***

Please tell me your thoughts, I love feedback! And maybe if enough people like it ill create a tag list?? Now that we’ve reached the end, do you know who the boyfriend is?

[bullet-farmer]

long ass personal post of three a.m. thoughts

(Okay, so it’s not quite 2 a.m. here, but it’s 3 a.m. in the Midwest. So.)

That guy who wrecked his girlfriend’s game, and the replies it got on Tumblr about how bad his behavior was (which were far less charitable than my response) sure got me thinking about a lot of things. Like:

1) How I’ve been culturally conditioned and/or gaslit to belittle and ignore my own feelings.

2) Even when someone does something horrible to me (for example: apologizing for my very understandable upset over how poorly my previous therapist handled a suicidal crisis and the comparatively minor thing I did during said crisis that was maybe not the best idea.) 3) How I apologize for and excuse people’s toxic, cruel, bad, or just inappropriate behavior toward me by handwaving it away or blaming it all on myself. I mean, as a kid, I always got angry when people said, “If you just stopped doing x/wearing y/behaving like z, then people would stop hurting you,” but I guess I internalized some of that, huh?

4) How I don’t trust my own instincts because anxiety, gaslighting, and invalidation has fucked up my understanding of what my instincts even ARE.

5) For example, even as I write this post, I’m thinking, “Jo, seriously. People haven’t treated you THAT bad in your life. You just took things too hard/were too sensitive/probably provoked them. And anyway, you caused people a lot of problems in the past, so just forgiving people for everything, right away, is just what you should do because you Owe a Debt.”

6) Like, no, seriously, it’s very hard for me to even figure out sometimes if I don’t deserve to be treated like shit. Or if I’m overreacting to something. 

7) I was abused viciously by my peers from the age of seven on up. Nearly every day. And then by my father when I wasn’t around them. I maybe got 1-2 weeks off EACH YEAR from about the ages of 6-12 from constant verbal and emotional abuse. So no wonder I’m nearly forty and don’t know what to think when I have an argument with someone, or when someone does something that hurts me. I barely even know what I’m feeling or what I NEED in a relationship.

8) I’ve just made it a policy to Be There for anyone who needs me, constantly. Always open for business.

9) So now I’m nearly forty and have no idea who I am or what I want out of life, or what a healthy relationship even looks like. 

10) My only goal in life is to be of service to people, but... service can’t be what I think it is. Not if it’s damaged me this deeply and made me alienated from myself to the point that I couldn’t even begin to elaborate what I want out of a friendship that isn’t “what can I give this other person?” This just doesn’t seem right. Or sustainable. Or even helpful to my goal. How can I help anyone if I don’t even know what I need out of life? 11) Fuck. No wonder I’m almost 40 and never truly have a day where I can say without reservation that I would NOT take a ticket to the grave if I were offered one without strings attached.

[keprambles]

(GoT) Theon Greyjoy | A Stark by TheGaroStudios Artist notes: "You are a Greyjoy and... You are a Stark" I've been meaning to do a tribute about Theon for awhile. I think the character arch of Theon is by far one of the best ones in the show. I don't think we really appreciate him as a character and I hope with this we can all see where he comes from and where he'll end up. and we must also underline Alfie Allen's acting. He is just amazing. WOHOO! Game of Thrones is back !!  My notes: I like this video but have a huge problem with the premise and that is not related to how good the video is. I know a lot of people like this premise and value it intensely so, I will put my opinion below a cut.  It’s SUPER LONG. 

I like any well put together Theon video. That said, thematically I don’t love this one even if I love the art. IMO Theon’s relationship to the Starks is the least important and interesting thing about him. I dislike the idea that redemption for what he did to them is the core of his arc because redemption, to me, is worthless. You can’t live your life looking for forgiveness you may never achieve. You should always do better. You should do your best not to hurt people who are close to you but you cannot and should not make their forgiveness your purpose. (mini real life rant)(mini real life rant)(mini real life rant)(mini real life rant) You will lose. Even if they forgive you, you will lose. I promise you this. I saw this A LOT in rehab. I went to inpatient care for severe alcoholism and have been sober since like 2014. While I was there I saw a lot of people try and 12 Step it, and like that works for lots of people but the people it failed for were the ones who NEEDED to be forgiven for the TERRIBLE shit they did in active addiction.  You cannot take back the terrible things you do. You cannot ever do enough good to guarantee forgiveness. No one actually even owes it to you. If you make it the core of your life, you may never achieve it and if you do you’d be shocked at how empty that feeling actually is.  You are way better off changing your behavior for yourself. Or in my case you adopt a dog and you do it for your dog. The point is you look to the future and present and not the past. It is 3000x more productive. I do not buy Jon Snow’s “You’re a Greyjoy and Stark” changing Theon’s behavior. I do think it’s what he wanted to hear...But like...It’s stupid. Theon was going to save Yara anyway, that’s why he wanted to talk to Dany.  (mini real life rant)(mini real life rant)(mini real life rant)(mini real life rant) Also the Starks kinda sucked: 1.They  to war with Theon’s family (I know Balon started it) 2. Killed members of his family in said war and destroyed huge parts of his home. 3. Ripped him from the only home he ever knew, without taking A SINGLE Iron man with them because the point was to brainwash Theon into becoming a more palatable “Stark-like” lord. This under the excuse of him being a “Ward” but he was NOT a ward. Wards don’t have to stay with their foster family until their father DIES. Wards don’t live under fear of “honorable execution” from age 10 onwards.  4. Theon would have been killed if Balon ever rebelled again. Ned thinking this was an actual deterrent was stupid, Balon was FINE with losing Theon and planned to rebel once he had the strength to do so...See also Balon REBELLING AGAIN BEFORE THEON EVEN GETS TO PYKE. 3. Poor Alannys Harlaw , Theon’s mother who isn’t in the show visibly, but genuinely loved her children, of which like Cat she is sure are mostly dead and loses her mind, sitting in a tower all day crying for her “baby Theon.”  4. Theon was treated at best with scorn by the Northmen, THE ONLY person who grew to like him at all was Robb who was a baby when he got there. Like you can’t tell in the show and no one says anyone’s ages in the show but Theon is like 5 years older than Robb. They were not peers. He was a literal 5 year old at best when Theon got there.  5. It was really hard for Theon to see a family built on love like the Starks knowing he could never be part of it. This is because...They wouldn’t let him. Ned knew he might have to kill Theon so he kept his distance. Cat didn’t like any child at Winterfell who was not one of her own children. All her children besides Robb took her lead with Theon, with Sansa even taking Cat’s lead with Jon. (I like Cat but this is a character flaw of hers that makes sense and has consequences though not the ones the show says but like, another rant) I could go on.  Like even if you don’t think these things mattered THEON DID. It’s why he loses his SHIT at Winterfell when he’s faced with the realization that he belongs nowhere. He is split between two cultures that are opposed at their very core. THEY VERY GODS. In the show you can see what Ned did visually. Theon dresses like a Northman. Theon SPEAKS with a VERY THICK Stark Accent. Theon says his VERY NAME differently then his Greyjoy family members do. YET Theon isn’t a Northman. So the northerners treat him with similar scorn. Theon COULD NEVER even rule the ironborn as he is post Ned’s GREAT IDEA. They would REJECT HIM. They wouldn’t ever listen to him. They wouldn’t change their ways just because he was more like a Stark. AND THIS. IS ALL. NED’S FAULT. Theon did betray Robb. He did. And it’s something he feels bad about after he’s been tortured, though honestly not before. He says in the dungeon that he took Winterfell because he LOVED AND HATED THE STARKS. What do you do when you love a family who DID OBJECTIVELY HURT YOU? What do you do when no one else gives a shit about that pain? How fucked up is it that The Starks fucked up Theon and no one cares because morally they just PREFER them to the Greyjoys? I reject this interpretation of the arc. I reject the idea that the Starks are perfect. I think they are kind of trash and my second favorite character is SANSA STARK.  Like I GET that people love this and that the show has doubled down on this but it’s like...Really to me a shame. There is so much more going on with Theon and the Starks then “They were so good to them and he was so mean! But he feels sad now so it’s good!!” Like no, fuck off.  ------ Also this video is still good. If you like this idea cool, we do not have to agree on this or anything else.  Also sorry for any typos, I can’t edit this right now. I shouldn’t have wrote it. I have like no timeeeee akjxsdhjkcdjkh

[statusquoergo]

I should have write "what H would have become" because there's some growth : no 1 night stand, forgive his brother quickly, can have a conversation with his mom. But other than that, yes it is a little like S1 without the big arc. That's what missing from S8 : there's a plot for every episode but none for the season. Unlike S1-6, there were subplots : everyday life and work, & big plot : keeping the secret keeping M out jail, getting M out of J.... S8 : nothing, no suspense, no cliffhanger 1/2

2/2 . Even in S1-6 the subplots were more than just one episode : Hardman, Tanner coming after H’s licence. The show use to be a little more complicated, it use to take time to solve their problems. Now, they just solve everything in one episode. Well, there is no huge problem : you could say S8 lack substance. Oh, when I said Marvey, I meant the actual relationship in the show and the screen time they had together. Ask wasn’t long enough for to say that, that’s why I’m splitting this in 2. 

I would say he’s had some growth and now, suddenly, a lot of steps backwards, or laterally. Sure, he’s stopped having one night stands (as far as we know), which I suppose shows some emotional development if you interpret it as “He now values long-term romance over casual sex,” but once he got over Mike being gone (i.e., s08e05 had zero mention of Mike), that was the end of that.

And I’m sorry because I don’t think this is what you were expecting from this ask, but now that I think about it, the show’s whole take on forgiving his family feels lacking to me, and I’d like to explain why. I suppose I’m glad he’s decided to stop being angry, if that’s what makes him happy, but there’s a difference between heedlessly forgiving people after they fuck up, and talking to people about what they did, why they did it, and why you’re so angry about it.

One big feature of the entire Specter family debacle harkens back to one of my major problems with “The Painting”: Marcus never actually apologizes. (Neither did Lily.) Harvey apologizes, weirdly enough, when he explains to Marcus that he isn’t going to be able to win the case as easily as Marcus seemed to think he would, but Marcus himself never does. What he does do—a lot—is excuse himself and assume he has a right to Harvey’s help, seemingly for no other reason than that they’re family.

M: “I don’t need to hear how I screwed up. What I need to hear is that you’re on your way up here to help make sure that I don’t lose my kids.”

Marcus feels bad that he did something wrong and wants Harvey to come fix it for him.

H: “Marcus, you said you wanted peace, so I tried to make peace.”M: “Yeah, well, what you did was make it worse.”

Harvey did exactly the right thing in trying to keep this case out of court, but it didn’t work, in no small part because he went in under false pretenses (i.e., he thought the problem was Marcus’s infidelity when it was actually his gambling and asking his children to lie about it). Despite this, Marcus blames him for Katie’s lawyer’s actions, even though custody battles are famously messy and underhanded, and Katie’s lawyer actually acted without her knowledge or permission (which is bad form on the lawyer’s part).

H: “Marcus, I am sorry. You asked me to come up here, and like it or not— This is tough for me too, so I tried with Katie.”M: “Okay, Harvey, I get it. I just wish there was a chance in hell that it would’ve worked.”

Harvey is apologizing for something that is not his fault, and even then, Marcus doesn’t accept it so much as brush past it.

M: “Hey, hey—where are you going?”H: “Back to New York.”M: “No, please, you can’t— These are my kids!”H: “Your kids that you asked to lie for you, which makes you no different than Mom was.”M: “No, that is not fair. What Mom did is nothing like this.”H: “You asked your kids to keep your secrets. How is that different?”M: “Because it was one time and Haley had no idea what I was doing was wrong.”H: “You know what? Tell yourself whatever you want about what kind of man you are. You’re not just a shitty husband; you’re a shitty brother, and I’m done here.”

Actually yes, what Lily did was a lot like this. She did something wrong, which she knew she shouldn’t, which she knew her partner would be justifiably angry about, and she was found out by her child, whom she asked to lie on her behalf to cover it up in the hopes that her partner would never find out. That’s exactly what Marcus did. The fact that her fault was cheating while his was gambling is essentially irrelevant, if the issue is about trust and honesty, which, to Harvey, I think it is.

L: “What Marcus did was horrible, and I understand you being furious, but Haley’s in fifth grade. She barely knows what gambling is.”H: “She knows what lying is. She knows that her father asked her to do it.”L: “And Marcus feels terrible about that.”H: “Yeah, that’s what all addicts say.”L: “And your brother has never been as strong as you are, but that doesn’t mean—”H: “This isn’t about strength.”L: “No, it’s about forgiveness. And Marcus forgave me, even when I failed you both, and then he forgave you when you walked away.”H: “Are you saying I owe him?”L: “I’m saying people make mistakes. Harvey, I know how angry you are but you can’t let him lose his children. Because I can tell you from personal experience there is nothing worse for the parent or the child.”

So…because Haley didn’t understand the backstory on Marcus’s gambling addiction, that makes his actions okay? The problem isn’t what Haley did (lying to Katie, I assume), it’s what Marcus did, and what he asked of her. He’s the adult in this situation, and he’s her father, and he has a responsibility to both teach her and model good behavior for her. (I still don’t think Harvey needed anyone’s forgiveness when he walked away, but that’s a separate matter.)

Incidentally, losing a parent isn’t by default the worst thing that can befall a child; I’m not saying it would be best for Haley and her brother, but sometimes it is actually in the child’s best interest.

M: “Thought you were done with me.”H: “I’m your brother. I’m never gonna be done with you.”

See, here’s that “we’re family so I owe you” mentality again. Harvey’s family continues to use him to their own benefit without giving him anything in return other than…the having of a family who treats him like a tool to pull out of the closet whenever they get themselves into a mess.

H: “I told him this was the only way. He told me to find another one because he doesn’t want to hurt you any more than he already has. Katie, he loves you and whether or not you’re willing to give the marriage another chance he deserves another chance as a father.”K: “I never thought I’d hear something like that from Harvey Specter.”H: “Well, if there’s one thing I’ve come around on, when it comes to family, forgiveness is a hell of a lot better than anger.”

Again, “I forgave him because we’re family, full stop.” Actually, Harvey doesn’t really have anything to forgive Marcus for other than lying to him, which doesn’t seem to be the issue here; I suppose part of Marcus’s recovery might be apologizing to his family, but he and Harvey seem to rarely be in contact, so it’s a pretty low-level priority, and Marcus asking Haley to lie for him is something he needs Katie’s forgiveness for, and Haley’s, but Harvey has nothing to do with it. Yet the way this is framed makes it sound like Harvey is forgiving Marcus for…everything the happened, which, why? Just because they’re family? Family who uses him for their own convenience in return for…the having of a family?

Alright, I’ll get off this soapbox now, but if Harvey’s new emotional home base is going to be his relationship with his family (his blood relatives rather than his “You’re not the only one who got more family out of this deal” family), then I expect I’ll be having a bit of trouble staying off of it.

But on another note, I think the running subplot is supposed to be who will become the next name partner, Samantha or Alex. The problem with that is that there’s literally zero stake attached to it; the firm’s title changes all the time, being a name partner means about as much as being picked first for kickball at recess.

[vroomvroombaek]

Please Don’t Part 3

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4

A/N: I do not own the picture

Summary: When Baekhyun shows up at your door in the middle of the night begging you not to leave him, you never imagine the heartbreak you’re in for

You don’t know how long it will take to get over Baekhyun. It has been three days and so far, you only feel worse.

At first, you would get a nauseating feeling that would wash over you every time you would think of Baekhyun and the way he had looked leaving your house. You tried to drown it every time with sleep, but would burst into tears whenever his leftover scent from the night before drifted to your nose. It was poison but, like a drug addict, you couldn’t get enough and made no move wash the scent out. For that first day, you stayed in your room, clinging to the sheets like a child. Despite what Baekhyun had done, despite how he had hurt you, his scent made you feel safe.

On the second day, you had become numb. You had cried everything out to the point where you had no more tears. So you would sit on your bed staring at the ceiling, eyes bloodshot and nose dry and raw from constantly blowing into tissues.

It was Monday and you had work, but despite knowing that your absence could be detrimental for a potential promotion, you just could not bring yourself to get dressed and head out into the real world. You had managed to call your boss early on, who agreed that it was best you stay home, especially with the amount of photographers parked right outside of your work place. Upon hearing that, you had made sure all your blinds were closed. If they had found where you worked, there had been no doubt in your mind that there was paparazzi outside you house.

Other than calls from your boss, you had only accepted ones from your worried family members and your best friend, all of whom you had to beg to leave you alone for now. You'd given the excuse that you just wanted to hide from the media right now and that accepting visitors would fuel people's curiosity. But really, you just couldn’t deal with the inevitable questions about your broken relationship.

Sehun had tried to call after the whole incident a few more times but you hadn’t picked up. You weren’t sure if he would make excuses for Baekhyun and couldn’t risk it hearing him trying to justify or downtalk his behavior. While you two were friends, he would ultimately have to remain loyal to his member. You could respect that but it didn't mean that you had to deal with it. He’d left a message asking how you were doing and asked you to give him a call, but you hadn’t sent anything back. Other than him, the other members of EXO hadn’t made a move to contact you. They didn't owe you anything and really, you had been rather grateful for it. The less people from your ex-boyfriend's life that bothered you, the better.

You knew that you couldn’t avoid the world forever. You just needed a little more time. The world would be watching you the moment you stepped out the door, eager to see how you looked. You weren’t strong enough yet to bear the weight of their eyes yet.

You had expected to be better the next day. But instead, you wake up on the third day feeling shittier than ever before. Baekhyun’s scent has finally faded from your sheets and you now have nothing to hold on to. You are emptier than ever and you don’t think you’ll ever be full again. It hurts more than you thought it would. You’re not crying anymore and your lungs don’t feel like they’re on fire anymore, you’re just empty. And somehow, it’s worse. You think you prefer when you had been numb. At least then you didn't have to feel. Now, you feel lonely and sad and scared. Scared because it feels like this will go on for eternity, that you’ll be a shell of your old self for the rest of your life. You miss smiling, you miss being happy.

For hours, the fear dominates your body. You stare at yourself in the bathroom mirror. You’re paler than you’ve ever been, your lips are chapped, skin is flaking around your nostrils. You’re miserable.

Suddenly, you feel a hot flash of anger. Your whole life has been ruined because of one person. You allowed someone to have this much control over you. You had given your entire heart to someone with the hope that they would be delicate with it. And now you’re surprised over that hope being crushed? It’s your fault for trusting someone like him. Someone like Baekhyun, a man who lives in a different planet from you. Maybe it would have been different if you had been an idol too. But you’re not. You’re an ordinary girl that thought she could be a part of Byun Baekhyun’s world without getting hurt. Fuck, you had been so foolish.

This is it. This anger is the surge of energy that you have been waiting for. You won’t let yourself be foolish anymore. You’re not going to let Baekhyun affect you like this.

You take a long bath, washing the stress and tiredness from your body. You pick out a nice, clean set clothes and apply some makeup, trying your best to conceal the impact these few days have had on you. You’re going to go out today and try to be normal. You think maybe you'll visit your best friend and have a nice, normal conversation with another human being.

You actually make an effort with breakfast, seeing as how you’ve only been living off of potato chips and ice cream lately. You put together a nice plate that you devour immediately, your stomach thanking you for a real meal.

You put on your shoes and get your coat from the cabinet and open the door with a small smile, one that immediately falls short when you’re met with an older-looking man standing in front of you, his hand reaching towards the doorbell. You must have opened the door just as he was about to ring. He looks surprised to you see you and clears his throat.

”Miss Y/N, if I could just have a moment of your time-,”but you cut him off immediately.

”I’m sorry, but I’m not taking any questions right now. I’m not comfortable with having an interview.” You try to move past him but he steps in front of you, shaking his head quickly.

“No, no, I’m not a reporter. I’m here on behalf of SM Entertainment to discuss the future actions that will need to be taken to protect yours and Mr. Byun’s reputations.”

You roll your eyes. SM couldn’t care less about your ‘reputation’. Of course they would try to cover up the cheating scandal to protect their idol. You hadn’t expected anything else.

“Let me guess, the company wants me to come out and say that Baekhyun and I broke up before the pictures were taken?” Your voice is so cold and void of emotion that the man flinches and at the very least seems to have the decency to look ashamed.

“Miss, I know you must be going through a lot right now but it is important to consider the implications that come with this ordeal. It will likely follow you both and ruin your careers. The company is already going to issue that Baekhyun’s relationship with you has been over for quite some time and your statement about having had an earlier, amiable breakup with Mr.Byun would put an end to the media threats, ” the man swallows as your face darkens, “Please, if you could just conduct an interview in about a week’s time, the company is willing to offer a large sum of payment.”

An interview? They want you to go on television and lie to paint Baekhyun as an innocent person. Are they fucking serious?

You almost release a sad, bitter laugh “Sorry, I won't do it.”

This time, when you step out of the house, he doesn’t try to stop you and just lets you go. Your anger has now doubled. If the company had tried to cover it up, does that mean that Baekhyun knows about it? The idea that he is trying to cover his own ass drives you even more crazy.

Suddenly you can't stop yourself from reaching for your phone and sending him a text.

‘If you thought I would help you cover up what you did, then you never knew me at all. I don’t care how much it hurts you career, I’m not doing an interview and lying about what you did. I don’t want anything to do with you.’

You let out a breath you hadn’t realized you had been holding. You’re about to put your phone inside your coat when his caller id appears on the screen.

You answer without even thinking. You curse yourself over and over again because now you’re holding the phone to your ear and you don’t even know what to say.

“Y/N, hello? Are you there?” he sounds sick and you hate that you that the first thought you have when you hear his voice is if he’s eating and sleeping enough. You hate that you still care.

You didn’t think you’d be hearing his voice so soon, if ever. You’re not ready for this. It still hurts too much.

You keep your mouth shut, not trusting yourself to speak. After a bit, he realizes that you’re still on the line and continues. “Please, you have to know that I would never do that to you, the company is doing this without my say. I can’t control what they release to the media.”

’I would never do this to you.’ You had thought he would never do a lot of things but clearly, you had no idea what he was capable of.

“I now I’ve hurt you, but I never wanted to. God, Y/N, I love you so much. So fucking much. I’m going to be sorry for what I did for my entire life. I deserve everything that comes from this. I deserve your hate and if you want to hurt me back, you can do anything you want. I can take it, I promise. I’ll never forgive myself. I’m so sorry. You know I’m sorry, right? Please answer me.” His voice breaks off into sobs and you can’t understand what he’s saying anymore, everything comes out in unintelligible mumbles.

"Please just let me hear your voice, baby. Say something."

You fight the urge to comfort him. You want to say something, tell him it’s okay, that you know he regrets it and that you forgive him. The words are all on the tip of your tongue. But you can’t. You would be lying, not just to him but to yourself as well. It’s not okay. You do not forgive him. You can’t comfort him. Not anymore.

You hang up and begin to walk to your friend’s house.

[natasha-cole]

Like the Heart Goes Chapter 12: What a tool I am, what a fool I’ve been

Pairing: Past Rob Benedict x Reader, Reader x Adam Fergus

Summary: Breaking up is hard. Especially when you are going through it publicly. Rob and Reader are doing just that; trying to navigate the difficulties of an emotional breakup while still trying to remain civil enough to work together, and adding inquisitive fans and over involved friends to the equation certainly isn’t helping.

Rob knows that he’s a screw up. But, does everyone else have to keep reminding him of it?

Word Count: 2323

Warnings: angst, swears, even more questionable life choices

Note: A couple of people asked for Rob’s POV in this fic. I gave it a shot because you asked so nicely. Not sure if it works, so if if it’s terrible, just pretend it didn’t happen.

Okay, for real though. I have so many other things I need to do but I literally wrote two chapters in one day. What am I doing with my life?

Also, you didn’t think I’d really offer you the actual reason behind Rob leaving, did you?

Catch Up:  Chapter 1  Chapter 2  Chapter 3   Chapter 4   Chapter 5  Chapter 6  Chapter 7 Chapter 8  Chapter 9  Chapter 10  Chapter 11

Rob’s POV Sunday

He had been an idiot. He knew that. He also knew that it was out of line for him to check up on her this morning, following what had apparently been a rough night for her. All he could think about today was how he had made her cry… again. He thought that by letting her know that he still cared for her, things would be easier between them, maybe this breakup would be easier on him too. Unfortunately, it hadn’t gone that way.

Seeing her kissing Adam, that had been a whole new experience. Sure, he had been hurting as well; but seeing that, it devastated him. When that kiss had apparently turned badly, he couldn’t help himself but to try to make a move to go to her. It came naturally to him. Seeing her crying and yelling at him like that, he only thought the worst. He only thought about how he could get her out of the situation. Matt however, wouldn’t allow it. Rob had become increasingly irritated as he watched the scene unfold; close enough to see that she wasn’t okay, but too far to be able to hear what was actually happening. Regardless of how concerned he had been for her well-being, Matt told him to back off. He held him back, probably just as irritated with Rob as Y/N was.

It had been his own mistake to seek her out today but he really thought that by the way she had watched him as Adam pulled her from the bar, she might have been secretly pleading with him to help her.

That was all a stupid idea. Apparently, Adam was a nice guy. Apparently her meltdown had nothing to do with Adam and had a whole lot to do with Rob. Standing there at her door, as she reminded him again of how much he had hurt her and how she wanted him to just leave her alone, he realized that he really had fucked up. So, he had done as she had asked and kept his distance the rest of the day.

It was a strange thing; not talking to her every day, not seeing her smile when he approached her, not being able to touch her anymore.

He hadn’t considered all of this when he decided to end things. He hadn’t thought about the possibility that she wouldn’t even want to stay friends.

Now, he was at the con early, going through soundcheck with the band. It wasn’t going well and he only had himself to blame for it. He couldn’t even focus on what he was supposed to be doing because all he could think about was the look on her face when she had finally told him to back off. All he could think about was Adam kissing her. He shook the thoughts from his head, determined to focus.

“You’re not really with it today,” Billy had mentioned.

“I’m a little off today,” Rob replied.

“Don’t let it get to you.” Rob knew Billy was referring to the events of the other night. “Sucks to see your ex with another guy, but you had to be expecting it.”

“Yeah, I know she wasn’t going to stay single forever.”

Later on, in between introducing panels, he had caught sight of her a few times. Nervously, he continued to try to stay away, not even attempting to look at her. She was angry with him, she had every right to be. Even during their group panel, he kept his back to her, not acknowledging her. Maybe if he did exactly as she had asked, she could forgive him a little.

After their panel, Rich had pulled him aside.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

“Not really,” Rob replied honestly, “I just keep fucking up. She’s so angry at me, and I don’t know what to do.”

“What you need to do is leave her alone,” Rich said, “you walked out on her, for whatever reason. You can’t keep trying to stay involved, it doesn’t work like that.”

Rob only nodded, knowing full well that his friend was right. It wasn’t fair for him to continue to show his concern for her, to keep telling her that he loved her. Not after what he had done.

Even though Rich had already talked to him, it seemed that he wasn’t in the clear when it came to over involved friends. Briana all but chewed him out over his behavior at the bar. She had told him repeatedly to quit staring, quit talking rudely to Adam, and to quit thinking that he needed to jump at every instance where he thought Y/N was in trouble. It was no longer his place. Today, Briana had more to add. Obviously Y/N had already talked to Briana about what had happened this morning.

“I’ve tried to remain neutral in all of this, you are both my friends and this fucking sucks. But I have to step in and say I’m siding with her on this. You have to leave her alone. You are only making this harder for her, the girl is a mess.”

“I don’t mean to make it harder for her. I don’t want her to be sad,” he argued.

“Look, I don’t know what happened between the two of you, neither does she, and God knows you won’t explain yourself; but you left. You have to stop trying to be in in her life, especially when she might finally be getting over you.”

“She’s getting over me with him?”

“I don’t know what she’s doing. I do know that he makes her smile. I haven’t seen her this happy in a while Rob.”

“She was so upset with him last night, I was worried. I only wanted to make sure she was okay.”

“It’s not your place anymore,” Briana reminded him, “I know you think you owe it to her to show that you care, but you have to stop.”

“She already told me that,” he said.

“Then listen to her. Adam isn’t a bad guy.”

“I know he’s not. I know what happened last night. It wasn’t him… it was me. I’m doing this, I’m ruining her life still. I’m not even with her anymore and I’m still ruining her life.”

“I wouldn’t say you’re ruining her life,” Briana said softly. She eyed him carefully, realizing that the man was overcome with regret. “You’re just… making it hard for her to find something that does makes her happy.”

“I’m backing off,” Rob mumbled, “it won’t be easy, because I really do love her. But I know that I hurt her and I can’t keep doing that. She doesn't deserve any of this.”

Briana watched him still, curious as to what he was getting at. Rob had never told anyone the real reason behind him ending things. Mostly because he couldn’t even wrap his own mind around his justification. In all fairness, he had tried for a long time to get her to walk out on him instead. No matter how terrible he treated her, she stuck around. She tried so hard to make it work and that only made him want to end things sooner.

“Why did you leave?” Briana asked finally. No one had actually ever asked him. For the most part, everyone stayed out of it. It wasn’t usually appropriate to ask someone why a relationship has ended, especially when his friends were also her friends.

“I told you, we weren’t happy. We both got to the point where we no longer wanted the same things.”

“Still with the lame ass excuse?” Briana rolled her eyes.

“I couldn’t stay in a relationship that was going nowhere.” He of course was referring to what he had originally told everyone. He had mentioned the idea of a family and marriage. He wanted stability. Y/N didn’t. So, he told everyone that he left because they obviously weren’t on the same page. He knew the truth behind all of that though. She had made it very clear that she was unwilling to tie herself down to someone who was never around.

“Then why are you still doing this to her?”

Rob only shrugged, acting unsure, but knowing full well that he knew he had made a mistake and found it impossible to let her go. Now that Adam was in the picture, it only made his mistake seem all the more horrible. He had basically stepped aside and allowed another man to swoop right in to possibly make her forget all about him. His mistakes were only expanding. He had hoped that he could keep her interest for some reason. Keep her tied to him; because, although he had walked out on her, he very selfishly wanted to keep her.

“I worry that she’s not ready emotionally to date again. Adam is going to take advantage of her.” Rob replied. It wasn’t true, he knew that. He knew damn well that Adam had always harbored a crush on Y/N, ever since the man had first met her. Rob could read him like a book. At the time, Rob felt he needed to step in and remind Adam that she was taken, that he might need to back off. Fortunately, Adam had done that on his own. He didn’t try to flirt with her, in fact, he often turned into an awkward mess any time she was around him. She never caught onto it, and thank God for that. If she had been aware then, this relationship probably would’ve ended a lot sooner. She might have realized there was someone better out there for her, someone who would give her his time and attention. In the end, maybe it would have been better that way. At least Rob wouldn’t have to eventually be the one to break her heart.

“He’s not taking advantage of her,” Briana promised him, “he’s just not. I’m not giving you details about them, but he’s not that guy.”

Of course he wasn’t that guy. You have a secret crush on a girl for that long, you’re going to do everything you can to not fuck it up. Rob knew that Adam was most likely treating her well, taking it slow, probably being her shoulder to cry on when she felt the need to talk about what a dick her ex-boyfriend was.

“I only want her to be happy, that’s why…” he trailed off, not really wanting to say the rest of his thought out loud. He had kept his reasoning for leaving her to himself for this long for a reason. It was better that he seem like a jerk rather than having anyone run off and tell her the truth.

“Then, let her be happy,” Briana said simply. She looked at him sympathetically. Maybe she realized that this was difficult on him too.

“I don’t want her to be happy with him,” he said. It was selfish really. But, he didn’t leave her so that she could go and immediately find someone new. He had thought she would take some time for herself to realize what it was that she really wanted, what Rob knew she needed. Instead, he basically offered her up to Adam, the jackass who had obviously been interested in her for some time. It only made sense that he would find out about her broken heart and move right in to fix it for her. The thought if it made Rob sick. Goddamn, he really was a fucking idiot. It wasn’t so much that he thought Adam would hurt her, he really didn’t think that at all. In fact, he realized that Adam could very well be the one man who really could make her happy. That’s what he wanted for her, right? No, this wasn’t about Adam at all. It was jealousy.

He knew he had no right to be jealous. You don’t just leave your long-term girlfriend suddenly, after months of treating her like crap, and then feel jealous when she she finds someone else. Although, that would be true if the breakup had happened for the reasons that Rob had given. Given the true context of the situation, he was insanely jealous. He had never wanted to give her up.

“Well, you don’t get to have a say in her happiness anymore,” Briana replied. God, he hated it when she was right.

Y/N had left the convention early that day. Took a flight home when she was finally done for the day, leaving the rest to finish up on their own. Rob ached a bit over the fact that he didn’t know where she was anymore. She had moved out of their home, leaving him to live with the memories. He couldn’t give it up though, couldn’t move on from it. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he thought that someday they could go back to how they had been, maybe at a time when he could stop being such an idiot. He only knew that she had found an apartment in the city, away from him. Possibly she was heading home right now to meet Adam. He became annoyed at the thought of it.

Everything was changing. Everything had gone to shit and it was his fault. The one person that he had as his constant companion; through life and even work, was no longer speaking to him. His own friends barely talked to him, unless it was to remind him of what an idiot he was. The fans were disappointed that the couple that they ��shipped’ was no longer a real thing. The Saturday night concert would no longer be the same, that was already apparent as she chose to back out last night.

She couldn’t even stand to be around him anymore, not even for work. To be honest, even Rob couldn’t stand himself right now.

Tag List: @gabriels-trix  @waywardswain   @winchestergirl-13  @soythedemonqueen  @laffytaffyhumor  @hunterpuff  @smoothdogsgirl  @reparo-live-soul  @riversong-sam  @angelsandhuntersgalore  @capital-eyyyy-ohhh  @girl-next-door-rps  @a-banana-for-your-thoughts  @lefthologramdeer @lamthetwickster

[to-be-mary-jay]

You know there are days when I relate to the song "I'm still here" from Treasure Planet a little too much. And personally I would live to have a more solid father figure in my life like he did... maybe just more solid family members in general. I hate askin for things like to hang out or help with homework or help in general because my family was supposed to be that growing up and they weren't. Mom treated me like I was a lesser being because I didn't understand math a lot (jokes on her cause it changed about 8 years later and was proven right about it when only one question was right and it was the one I had figured out and all the others were wrong).

The brother that's just above me (i have 4 older brothers for reference, we'll call this one brother 4 or b4 for short) hated me for years because I took his place as the baby of the family (even with the 11 year age gap). Still pretty sure b4 hates me a bit still, when his wife treats me better than he ever will (won't go into that right now).

Brother 3 (b3 for short is just above b4 in age) is a con artist and owes me 3,000 something and I'm not even going to go into all the things before he moved out (most of which I can't fully remember except the bad stuff no one believes me about which I didn't learn was bad till later in life. Fuck the education system.)

Brother 2 (b2 for short the second oldest just above b3) is probably the most adjusted out of all of us but is still hella fucking unreliable because his "help" constitutes as agreeing to it and then never fucking doing it (just like mom) closest thing I had to a father for years till I moved away from upper utah.

Brother 1 (the eldest b1 for short) he was already an adult and got married when I was 4 (I was a young flower girl along with another girl but not the point). I don't have a great relationship with him because of that (and my mom telling me about their disagreements but now i know that she is narcissistic and not in the looks way) but he's also smacked me for barely tapping his car with a plastic chair (i was like fucking 10 asshole i don't care if you have an inferiority complex i was just a kid and it didn't do any fucking damage). I have a better relationship with his wife (but that remains to be seen sometimes because they can both be pretty bad but she's mellowed out a bit cause of their 3 kids).

Now here we are onto my dad in this 230 am rant because I can't sleep again (probably cause I'm on my phone) and I just, don't know where to begin with this because i don't remember it all. Like i have the c-PTSD triggers but I also have survivors guilt because I'm the only child who didn't get beat at the drop of nothing (although according to mom [which her information is pretty unreliable tbh] I may have been touched as a child in a sexual way but they couldn't find any evidence besides baby me physical reaction.) Like I hate having these triggers, people start yelling or fighting and I'm just like there witnessing in 3rd person i get incredibly tense and it takes me hours to try to calm down if I'm by myself. And like I'm terrified of men that are older than me especially if they get angry in anyway. What's worse is i don't actually remember any of what caused the c-ptsd just what I've been told and what c-PTSD b3 has (he can't stand to have people come up behind his back... it was dad's favorite place to hurt them or rather him).

I'm not gonna go into the other stuff I remember that wasn't cause by my family directly (I've already vented about indirect stuff that my mom could've prevent in a previous rant and some I'm... not proud of even if it was through coercion of a child's mind [cause let's be honest if your a quiet lonely kid who can't/ isn't allowed out much it's easy to convince them to do things thinking it might be normal] but you can gather it from this huh? Sorry... if you think less of me now) I guess my point is I've never been in a solid enough place to have people to rely on that actually prove I can rely on them and now I'm so messed up that the only way I can get it out is on fucking here because I'm so used to hardly anyone listening to me when it comes to me venting. Because God i know i can be too much, i know I'm annoying I know I'm not a choice. Because maybe... maybe if I was a choice then maybe... maybe i wouldn't have been so alone growing up? They... they cloud've made time to hang out with me or chose to just put aside their work for an hour... but it was always everything else first... I hardly ever got to go to friends houses and they wouldn't come to my house because mom wouldn't allow it or something. And there were times when my brothers (mostly b4) were supposed to be watching me and I would find myself alone in an empty house waiting for hours just four someone to come home and help me or something. But they didn't. The funny thing is this is just the tip of the iceberg (probably) that's wrong with me that I can piece together. Other stuff... happened later... things that made me wish I had never met that person or became friends with them. People that don't understand why I cut them out (2 so far, I really should stop being so forgiving of other people and maybe forgive myself more?) Honestly I don't think anyone knows fully everything at least not verbally... maybe here... i don't have the courage to ask my friends who follow me here if they do. If they think less of me... if i really do annoy them and they just tolerate me and are being polite. I just... i just wasn't too be able to talk to someone without fear of being interrupted or told that's not gonna happen because bla (loose version of something my mom told me) and like everyone started out with the trust of maybe I can tell them things until they prove otherwise (eg cutting me off abruptly while in the middle of explaining a thing I found that I thought was cool) and it will take them ages to get that trust back (if they ever do because I don't tell them because I know that I'm just a burden who's barely worth hanging out with and don't want to hurt them [probably a learned behavior from calling out my mom on her bullshit and getting lashed and abused verbally because she would start crying as soon as we pointed out what she was doing] yes I know I shouldn't think that. Hard not to... I've always felt like I've never really belonged anywhere even in this dumb family.) I've had past experiences with friends/bf/family who turned the fault back to me. (Guess that's where I got my it's always my fault thing even when it isn't, thank mom for most of that complex). God I've gone on a few tangents sorry... I'm sorry if I scared you with this... and I'm sorry my friends here if you think less of me. I wish that it wasn't almost always in the early/late morning when it gets to much to hold back and just comes flooding to the front of everything. I just... I need to let it out I'm sorry... I'm sorry...

[yochess]

2) The Power of Habit

My Introduction: The next book I’ve decided to read was The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. According to Duhigg, the reasons why I have bad habits such as 1) procrastinating, 2) being compulsive, 3) not brushing my teeth as often, 4) consuming weed daily, 5) munching on an unholy amount of chocolate (10+ servings somedays), 6) acting out and resenting my parents for my shortcomings, ... 1000) barely exercising is because I have been programmed by my environment to develop those habits. He is claiming these behaviors (bad habits) can be changed. On one hand, I think a lot of my bad habits are formed due to me potentially having ADD. I basically believe it is easier for me than others to develop bad habits. I think I am by nature an instant gratification monkey. I love to procrastinate and I am also very compulsive. Hell, I fucken turned a compulsive addiction that is all about instant gratification into a fucken career. OTOH Duhigg is claiming bad habits are within my control to change. He did not put genetics into the equation. If I can somehow strategize to minimize bad habits and replace bad habits with good habits, then I will not snowball myself into disaster. Even if I do have ADD, with the right knowledge and resources, I can compensate for what my genetics lack by just putting in the extra effort. I mean everything and everyone is just on a spectrum somewhere right? I just happen to be closer to the tail end (the bad side) when it comes to forming habits. For all I know I don’t even have ADD and I’m just looking for excuses on all my shortcomings. Whatever the case, I believe I have the knowledge and resources to improve this area of my life. I have to fucken work on this. Hell... EVERYONE has areas in their life where they are on the bad side of the curve. It would be insanely stupid on every level for me to say I don’t have to work hard on something just because I was born with some kind of deficit. That is self-entitlement. The world owes me shit. If I can fix it then I SHOULD fix it. It is STUPID and IRRATIONAL for me to lay around doing shit and go around blaming genetics. On November 22, I signed up for a 3-day trial at 24 Hour Fitness. On November 25, I applied for a membership. I’ve walked/ran 2-3+ miles at least 5 times already since the free trial. I haven’t done ANY weed in over 3 weeks after daily consumption since it became legalized in California. I barely ate junk food since. I have been brushing my teeth most mornings and nights. I have been making a conscious effort to connect towards my folks. I mean I’m not even sure what empathy is anymore and if it is just some fuzzy wuzzy buzz word. I’ll eventually read about it. There are still a bunch of unfinished tasks on my TODO list, but I have been making a conscious effort to complete them. Lately I feel hopeful. I am motivated. I am trying. I am no longer blaming my genetics. I am no longer blaming others. I am not going to lie to myself and believe I’m the victim. I am no longer making excuses. I’ll continue to look for ways to find solutions instead of blaming a condition. I’ll stop dwelling in the past. I can only be sorry for what has yet to happen yet. I am human. I know I am hard on myself, but I got to be. Otherwise I will not grow. I also need to forgive myself when I fail. Hehe! =) ——————–————— Summary - Part 1: The Habits of Individuals Chapter 1: The Habit Loop In 1993 Eugene Pauly suffered permanent brain damage. He had significantly impaired memory, but surprised scientists with his ability to learn and perform new behaviors. The scientists learned that his basal ganglia (located in the center of the brain) was left unimpaired. This led to experiments on rats, which confirmed that this part of the brain is responsible for storing habits. Duhigg explains that the formation of a habit, known as the Habit Loop consists of three parts: 1) the cue - anticipation (eg. ringing noise from slot machines, smell of cigarettes, sight and noise of people having fun at a party) 2) the routine - an automatic process that can be physical, mental, or emotional (eg. pulling the slot machine, smoking a cigarette, drinking alcohol) 3) the reward - craving (eg. winning some money, the high off nicotine, having fun at a party) Over time, this loop becomes more and more automatic. Duhigg goes on saying habits are very hard to break, because it is an automatic process. He also says this is why it is hard to create exercise habits or change what we eat, because once we develop a routine such as sitting on the couch (instead of running) or snacking whenever we pass a doughnut box, those patterns will always remain in our head. Below is a quote I find inspirational and full of hope: ”We’ve done experiments where we trained rats to run down a maze until it was a habit, and then we extinguished the habit by changing the placement of the reward. Then one day we’ll put the reward in the old place, and put in the rat, and, by golly, the old habit will reemerge right away. Habits never really disappear. They’re encoded into the structure of our brain, and that’s a huge advantage for us, because it would be awful if we had to relearn how to drive after every vacation. The problem is that your brain can’t tell the difference between bad and good habits, and if you have a bad one, it’s always lurking there, waiting for the right cues and rewards.” - Ann Graybiel, a scientist at MIT who’s done many basal ganglia experiments (pg. 20). Chapter 2: The Craving Brain The reward is the craving we seek before performing the routine. It is what initially drives us to perform the routine. Once this Habit Loop is done enough times, the habit is formed, and we will just perform it automatically from just seeing the cue. Scientists have studied this behavior by examining it on monkeys. They would give Julio the monkey blackberry juice (the reward) every time he touches the lever (the routine). This behavior eventually became habitual to the point where Julio’s brain would anticipate the reward by just seeing the monitor (the cue). Scientists then stopped rewarding Julio blackberry juice and not surprisingly, Julio would still touch the lever every time he sees the screen over and over again (pg. 44-49). Duhigg uses numerous examples on how numerous companies capitalized on this aspect of human behavior during the 20th century (eg. smoking, advertising). P&G marketed Fabreze by telling its audience the product adds a nice smell (the reward) after cleaning (the habit). Shockingly this method saved Fabreze, which can be read about here. Chapter 3: The Golden Rule of Habit Change The Golden Rule of habit change is to change the routine, while keeping the same cue and the same reward. This is obviously easier said than done. Perhaps smokers can replace the high from nicotine with coffee. Perhaps they can just exercise instead.  When alcoholics initially drank, the cue is probably seeing others socializing, and the reward is to socialize with them. The routine is of course to drink until blackout drink. Perhaps a better way to perform this habit is to go socialize somewhere that does not involve drinking. One example would be to to join a tennis club. The cue and reward is still the same. It will just take some time for the new and better routine to replace the old one. ——————–————— Summary - Part 2: The Habits of Successful Organizations Chapter 4: Keystone Habits The key takeaway is organizations get their members to have one key habit. This habit in turn spirals and snowballs into other good habits, which in turn increases productivity. He uses numerous examples such as Alcoa with safety. Once safety became a priority, productivity soared. Some keystone habits on an individual level would be exercising and writing. For me, reading makes me feel incredibly good about myself. I am not giving a fuck what others are saying. More examples of keystone habits can be found here and here. ”Once a small win has been accomplished, forces are set in motion that favor another small win. Small wins fuel transformative changes by leveraging tiny advantages into patterns that convince people that bigger achievements are within reach.” - Duhigg (pg. 112). Chapter 5: Starbucks and the Habit of Success Starbucks believes that willpower is a learnable skill. Employees are trained the LATTE system. Chapter 6: The Power of a Crisis There are tons of bad habits and rivalry going on within organizations, which results in less productivity. Numerous examples are given in which a crisis is a catalyst for drastic and positive changes. Chapter 7: How Target Knows What You Want Before You do In the past, big companies used small bag of tricks (tactics) to take advantage of its customers. The issue with these tactics is there was no one size fit all. Target used big data to predict who’s pregnant. Once they succeeded in this, they sent out coupons of baby items to the future mothers. This gives them a huge advantage within its competition, because they understand that once a big change happens in one’s life (such as becoming pregnant), then new habits (shopping at target) would emerge. More can be read about Target here. ——————–————— Summary - Part 3: The Habits of Societies Chapter 8: Saddleback Church and the Montgomery Bus Boycott I skimmed through this chapter, because I found it boring. The Montgomery Bus Boycott succeeded, because it tied people together. Even if one did not want to get involved, they would feel the pressure from their community due to mutual ties. More can be read about here.  Rick Warren who created the Saddleback Church believes it is important for its followers to have good habits in faith. More of this stuff can be read about here. Chapter 9: The Neurology of Free Will This chapter is more philosophical and focuses on the philosophy behind the autonomy of bad habits. One guy killed his wife due to night terror. He was unconscious when he performed this act. One woman lost millions and owed the casino money because she could not stop gambling. The guy who murdered his wife was not criminally charged, while the woman who owed the casino money was criminally charged. Both actions were pretty much autonomous. The difference is the guy had no idea what the outcome would be (murder), while the woman was clearly aware (owing money).  I think this basically implies society holds us responsible for our bad habits if we are aware of its negative outcome. On the final pages, the author gives a passage written by David Foster Wallace: “There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says ‘Morning, boys. How’s the water?’ And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes ‘What the hell is water?’” Duhigg goes on saying that the water is habits, the unthinking choices and invisible decisions that surround us everyday. I think what this means is to be aware of our habits, the things we are automated to do. ——————–————— Final Thoughts Personally I don’t believe in free will and I think our actions are deterministic. So far I see nothing wrong with this statement. The thing is this thinking that I’m destined to a certain doom has led me to not even attempt to do things. I just say stupid shit like “What’s the point if the probability is low.” I make excuses like “I can’t help it, because that’s just the way I am.” “I’m depressed, I can’t help it.” “I have ADD, I can’t control my impulses.” “I am addicted to marijuana, I can’t help it.” “I love sugar too much, I can’t quit.” “I’m bad at this, I should not try it.” The thing is that does not give me a pass to not even fucken try. Trying to change my course of action does not equate to believing in free will. I should not let what I think is my doom control my life. I’ve learned something very valuable here. I have to believe in what I’m doing no matter what.

[thorne93]

What Are We Gonna Do? (Part 16 - FINAL)

Prompt: Imagine that you’re Spencer Reid’s wife, and you get the news of his arrest in Mexico. But you’ve been keeping something from him and the team. How will it affect Spencer?

Word Count: 1163

Warnings: Language, violence, anger, drama, angst

Notes: This picks up right at the beginning of Season 12, episode 13. Spoilers from here till then. Thanks to my beta @like-a-bag-of-potatoes​

Tags: @ultrarebelheart @cocosierra94 @marvel-imagines-yes-please @demongodess @brooklhyn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Waking, you were in the hospital. Spencer was right next to you as you woke up.

 “Hey,” he said gently.

 “Hi.”

 “Look, Y/N,” he started but you glared at him.

“You wish it were yours? You wish she was your wife? Really? Are you fucking kidding me?” you asked, enraged. Your memories were quickly coming back.

 “Y/N, it’s not true. You know that.”

 “Do I? These last three months have been a god damn nightmare, Spencer. And do you know why?”

 “Because I went to Mexico?”

 “Because you lost faith...You lost faith that your mom would be okay, you lost faith in me, the justice system, all of it. And I had to pick up the slack, all of it. All by myself.”

 “I know, and I am so sorry you had to deal with that.” He leaned forward and held your hand but it didn’t feel right. “I’m going to do everything I can to make it up to you.”

 “How can you possibly make any of this up?” you asked.

 He pursed his lips. “First off, none of that was true. And me impregnating Cat wasn’t real. So, tell me what’s left. Please? I know I was horrible while I was in prison. But...Maybe we can move forward.”

 “How?” you asked desperately. “How can we possibly move past all of this? You danced with her, you let her wear the watch I gave her, you played her game a little too well...” You huffed a sigh as you stared at him.

 He thought for a moment. “Before I left for Mexico, did you love me?”

 “Don’t be stupid,” you said angrily, crossing your arms.

 “Y/N,” he chastised, wanting you to just answer the question.

 You sighed. “Of course I did.”

 “And after, what changed?”

 “You were in jail.”

 “But why?”

 “For getting your mom drugs to help her.”

 “And what was I charged with?”

 “Nadie Ramos murder? Spence, what does this have to do with anything?”

 “My point is, the only thing that changed was false accusations towards me. Now, that day you saw me in Mexico, that very first day, you were hysterical and the angriest I’d ever seen you.”

 “And? I was pissed for what they were doing to you. You didn’t deserve it. I knew you were being framed.”

 “Exactly. And now, is anything different?”

 Reluctantly, you admitted, “Nothing.”

 “Precisely. The only thing that’s changed is your perspective on me. Please don’t let what Cat and Lindsey did to you and me destroy us, otherwise they win.”

 You nodded. “You’re right. I love you.”

 “Thank you.” He leaned up and kissed you.

 “How is the baby?” you asked suddenly, your hand on your stomach. It just dawned on you that he’d never touched the small baby bump. This was the first time he had a chance to.

 “Well, we don’t know,” he admitted. We’re waiting on the doctor.”

 “Oh,” you said, worried instantly. “So we don’t know if it’s okay?”

 Spence frowned and shook his head. “But I’m sure everything is fine,” he assured.

 “You didn’t see me for three months. I barely ate, I barely slept, I didn’t eat healthy. I wasn’t exactly good on this baby…” Your hand ran on your stomach, terrified that you’d lost it. What if your behavior caused you to lose your first child? You’d never forgive yourself.

 Just then, a doctor entered the room.

 “Oh, look who’s awake! Hello Dr. Reid, I’m Dr. Thomas.”

 “Hello, Dr. Thomas,” you greeted as you shook his hand. “Is my baby okay?”

 “Well that’s what I came into tell you. It isn’t perfectly fine. It looks like it’s been malnourished and it’s a little behind in its growth.”

 “But...it’s okay?” you asked again.

 “We’re going to keep you for a while and give you a feeding tube and constant IV fluids to get the little one’s growth back to where we’d like it. We’re also going to inject some prenatal vitamins daily, as you didn’t seem to have any in your blood stream.”

 “And after all that, it’ll all be okay?”

 “Yes. I think within a week, you’ll be okay to return home. You’re very lucky.”

 “Thank you, doctor,” you said quietly as he left and turned to Spence. “I’m so sorry, Spence,” you said, tears spilling over. What had you done to your baby?

 “Hey, shh, no you’re fine!” Spence got up and kissed your forehead. “You’ll be fine. The baby will be fine.”

 “But...you heard him, they’re malnourished. I’m going to be an awful mother. I already am.” You started sobbing.

 “No, you were thrown into an awful situation,” Spence tried.

 “I bet Cat’s baby is healthy,” you remarked, pissed off.

 “Cat has nothing to do but sit in a cell all day. She doesn’t have someone she loves in jail.”

 You smiled at him sorrowfully. “You’re not mad?”

 “No! I could never be mad at you, my love.” He leaned up and kissed you.

 After a few hours, Spence gave the greenlight to let everyone into your room. Everyone poured in at once. Garcia and JJ both had flowers and balloons. Rossi had liquor for Spencer and a spa gift card for you to use when you got out. Emily brought in some food. Walker and Luke brought in teddy bears.

 “How's the baby?” “Are you alright?” “How are you feeling?” “Have you thought of a name?”

 Questions were hurled at you as you and Spence laughed.

 ------------------

A year seemed to escape you and Spence. After one week in the hospital, you were released to go home. The FBI gave you medical leave for the stress put on you and your baby and Spence, so you got some much needed alone time. You re-hired a new live in nurse for Diana and she was doing better. Once the medical leave was up though, you weren’t sure you wanted to return. You loved the FBI. You loved your job. But now, with the little one almost here, your life was about her. After what happened to Spence, you realized your child didn’t need two parents with scary jobs. You decided to quit the FBI and go into therapy full time, of course, that was after one year off with the baby.

 Aurora Rose was born at a healthy 8 lbs and 2 oz. The team had given you a proper baby shower while you were first on medical leave from the FBI, getting more than you needed from the team.

 As for you and Spence, you were better than ever. Aurora Rose was just two months old but he took off paternity leave for a few weeks and the time home with you and the baby was amazing. It was just what the doctor ordered.

However, you did have a score to settle. Shortly after Aurora Rose was born, you made a visit to the women’s correctional facility.

“Hello, Cat,” you greeted as you sat down. Somehow, your anger was entirely in check. You didn’t want to bash her face in the metal table…too much.

“Dr. Reid,” she responded with a blank face. “What do I owe the pleasure? Wondering why I’m still in your husband’s head? Does he say my name when you make love and you wanna know why?” She leaned forward and you just smiled at her.

“No, Cat, my husband doesn’t give you a second thought. I know that must eat you up inside. Knowing that you lost twice to him. Knowing that you don’t occupy a thought in his head. Knowing that he won.”

“You know, this is bold. I got to him twice before, I could do it again.”

“Well, that might be true. It would be quite hard to find a guard or another inmate willing to help you, but on the off chance that could happen, you won’t get that far.”

“Why is that?” she wondered.

“Because, I have a daughter now, and after the hell you put my family through, I won’t let you do that again.”

“And just how would you stop me?”

“Well, first off, if you were even successful, if you did win another game, it would be two for three for us, and even if you won, it would still devour you inside out that you lost twice in the first place.”

She just stared at you, a glint of anger flashing in your eyes and you swallowed it as if it were air to you.

“Secondly, you were able to do your dirty work outside the prison, what makes you think I can’t do the same from the outside?”

“Hah, you couldn’t do that, you’re a fed. No one would help you.”

“I’m not any more,” you answered with a bit of a grin.

“Doesn’t matter, you couldn’t kill anyone.”

“Oh, I can’t? I think you’re mistaking me for my husband. See, he’s always morally upstanding, and I love him for that. Me? Not so much. If I have the chance to put a bullet between someone’s eyes, someone's psychopathic, twisted mind like yours, I wouldn’t hesitate.”

“You couldn’t kill me. You might think you could but you can’t.”

“Are you absolutely positive about that?” you wondered with a daring look. “Are you absolutely sure I haven’t paid one of the workers to slip something extra in your food? Are you sure I haven’t promised freedom to one of the inmates if they beat you until you bleed from your eyes? Are you sure I haven’t pushed for your freedom, just so I can come to you when you least expect it and kill you with my own hands?”

“You don’t have it in you.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, dear. You hurt people because it’s fun to you, it’s a game. And people who play games always tire of them, at some point, eventually. Me? I’ll hurt someone because I fucking need to,” you said with a dark tone. “If I even think that you’re going to come after my husband, me, or god forbid, my child, you won’t live to see the light of day. Just know, I can get to you inside or outside of these four walls. You’ll live the rest of your days wondering when it will happen...when your last day will be.”

She smirked as you stood up.

“I was wrong, you know,” she suddenly said, as you back was turned. “You’re more like me than I could ever imagine, I thought it was Spencey, but I was wrong.”

You turned and smiled at her. “Why do you think he loves me? We’re so much alike, you and I. It’s no wonder he played your game and worked with you, was okay seducing you...It was like he was working me.”

The look on her face was satisfaction enough.

------------

Life was good. You had your mother in law, your newborn baby, with bittersweet feelings you left a stressful job to help people in a few months, and your husband was supportive, patient, and perfect. Whenever issues arose though, you often found yourself still asking, “What are we gonna do?”

 But Spence always answered, “What we do best, face it together.”

[theboardwalkbody]

47, 42, 37?

37. What’s your relationship with religion like?

The short version: Complicated

The long version: I was brought up Roman Catholic at my paternal sides VEHEMENCE. The same forcefulness that forced a Jewish woman to convert and baptize her children unless she force them and herself to face ridicule their entire lives at the hand of their own family members. My mom, a Methodist, was never too religious and mostly celebrated the Major Holidays and called it a day. The Roman Catholic side ALSO celebrated the Major Holy Days (added Ash Wednesday and Palm Sunday) but were never the ‘grace before meals and church every Sunday variety’. But for some reason the ALIGNMENT or DESIGNATION of Roman Catholic was/is a DEFINING CHARACTER TRAIT. This I do not understand. Anyway - my mom refused to convert despite their protests.

Still - I attended a Christian Pre-school (location was a factor) and before/after classes we would say the Our Father. I was baptized as Catholic, I was enrolled in CCD (I still have no idea what that stands for) and attended every Sunday during the school year. I made my Holy Communion and my Confirmation. My mom picked out Cecilia (saint of music) for my Confirmation name because of how much I liked music. My sponsor (the person who is with you when you make your confirmation and is ‘responsible for guiding you to jesus’ or something) was one of my Aunts. I was my sister’s sponsor for her confirmation as at the time my parents were in the middle of a nasty divorce and my mom did not want my dad or his family to be there (as a huge FUCK YOU because THEY are the Catholics) and because my mom and her family are Methodist they can not be sponsors. So I was the only option. 

But what does this mean? I have no idea. 

1. I hardly understand any of my own religion. I don’t know the difference between Catholic and Christian. Why are fucking FB notifications popping up on my computer all of a sudden I did not authorize this what the fuck. I learned NOTHING in CCD despite the fact I was SUPPOSED to be taught about the Saints and the various religious texts. I never paid attention because I was bored the fuck out of my mind. I never really cared.

2. But I was scared. Catholicism, in my own personal experience, is based on FEAR a lot. NEVER DO THIS AND NEVER DO THAT BECAUSE YOU WILL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL DO NOT PASS GO DO NOT COLLECT 200.00. I have been to church only when FORCED for someone’s baptism or communion or confirmation (or my own) or marriage. Here’s the three things you experience in church: a) lovely music that is kind of warming to the soul, b) SINNERS GO TO HELL c) your family members yelling at you to sit still, be quiet, do not embarrass us, be a perfect little angel all while you are UNCOMFORTABLE AS FUCK in a starchy dress because apparently when you go to church you need to be dressed like you’re about to meet God himself.

I was always scared I would go to Hell for one thing or another growing up: swearing, lying, stealing an eraser from a classmates desk in 2nd grade and feeling guilty so ditching it in a different classmates desk a few feet away, and masturbating. LOL During your confirmation you’re supposed to go into a confession box and confess all your sins so you can start your Confirmed Life free of sin - I didn’t tell the priest about my masturbating and when he asked “is that all you have to confess?” I said yes. So I started my Confirmed Life with two sins: a) chronic masturbating, and b) I fucking lied to a priest. So I assume I am going to Hell in a hand-basket. 

I was fortunate enough to be invited to a synagogue a few times by a friend. I remember I was TERRIFIED the first time I went. I assumed, due to ignorance and my only experience thus far, that I would be yelled at and dammed - the norm at church. I tagged along anyway, to make my friend happy, and borrowed some clothes to attend (black skirt and shoes, white shirt). I was even more scared after learning there was an even stricter dress code than Church. As I sat there, trying to understand the words the rabbi was saying for a SOLID TWENTY MINUTES before leaning over and asking my friend “wait - is he speaking English?” only to have her look at me with WTF written all over her face and reply “no....”, I was so paranoid I’d be “found out”. What I mean is - I felt like an Outsider. Like I was Intruding. Like I had “Catholic” stamped all over my forehead and everyone could see it clear as day and that someone, eventually, would stand up and shout at me to leave and curse me for desecrating a holy place with my presence. None of that happened, naturally, but when my friend and her family went to the rabbi after the service to discuss with him plans for her bat mitzvah I was shaking with fear because HE’S LIKE IN CHARGE AND WE’RE TALKING TO HIM AND HE’S DEF GOING TO KNOW I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE. Anyway - I was never kicked out, I went back a few more times and the anxiety went away. My mom was like ‘that’s cool - it’s a new experience’ and when my GRANDMOTHER found out... well, she flipped. “DO YOU STILL LOVE JESUS? YOU’RE GOING TO GO TO HELL IF YOU EVER GO BACK THERE. YOU NEED TO GO TO CHURCH TOMORROW. YOU NEED TO BEG JESUS FORGIVENESS”. I went back a few more times and just didn’t tell her. 

I think I actually liked it better than Church. 

And other side note: whenever Jewish people happen to ask me my religion (not often but it has happened a few times working in the hospital and once during nursing school) I always feel really bad about telling them I am Catholic. I become ashamed and feel like I need to apologize. I never quite understood that, until I met a Jewish Classmate who explained that “all the Catholic’s I have met in the past have been really antisemitic”. And then I remembered my grandmothers treatment of Jewish people, including my aunt and cousins - her own grandchildren - and I realized. I feel like I owe everyone an apology on behalf of people like my grandmother.

3. Here’s my Adult Feelings. I don’t have a problem with religion. Any of them. I also don’t have a problem with anyone’s lack of religion. As long as you’re NOT AN ASSHOLE then you and I are good. I don’t go to church - I don’t care to. I do not want a religious wedding ceremony. I will PROBABLY baptize my children (unless perhaps I go the route of my uncle and marry outside of my religion in which I will allow my children to get older and DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES what they would like to do/which religion they want IF ANY - this was what my aunt and uncle wanted to do before my grandma and some other family members got involved). I will teach my children what I know - Jesus is a dude I guess - here’s easter and christmas and here’s your presents. But it’s never going to be a Big Deal. Because it’s not a Big Deal to me. 

4. Why It’s Complicated. Do I believe that God exists? I want to say yes, but I know I say it out of FEAR. I believe “I may not go to church, and I may curse like a sailor and masturbate like my fucking health depends on it, but fuck - I know I am a morally sound person and God knows this, too, therefore He can judge me in the way I conduct myself with other human beings. I don’t need to get on my knees and send him postcards for him to know I’m Good™.” However - recently I’ve had some Jesse Custer level moments of “God, I am reaching out and I really need some fucking help here” only to be met with NOTHING in response. I prayed during my Nursing School Grade Appeal meeting. Just praying for ANYTHING so I could get back into the program. What happened? Reality happened - I did NOT get back into that program. In that moment I thought: That’s it - there is no God at least not one who GAF about me. I cried harder.This month I went to a University to try and get into their nursing program. Upon arriving at my meeting I was told I had been misinformed and the school did NOT offer a Nursing Program. As I waited for the woman at the desk to grab the advisor anyway to discuss options I tried praying again - just for things to work out. They didn’t and I got angry - Of course they didn’t work, I thought, because it’s all a bunch of Bullshit.

SO yeah - it’s complicated. I verge on “It’s all bullshit” after spending about 10yrs thinking “well MAYBE it’s not - maybe it’s real - but I’ll be judged on my treatment of others, not on my practice of going to church and shit”. And even still all of it was based on FEAR. Also the sky outside has gone from green to red. What a storm.

42. What’s something you’re afraid that you’re capable of?

I am afraid that I am capable of fucking my entire life up. In two ways: 

1. Suicide2. Self-Sabotage. 

In terms of Issue 1 - I have gotten close with a lot of thoughts in the past. Three times I almost actually carried through with it. Twice spontaneously, and once was a “if no one answers my next phone call for help I am going to just give up and go swallow all those pills”. Someone did answer that phone. I called 5 people because I think deep down I didn’t want to give up, but every phone call that went unanswered I got closer and closer to ending it. My stepbrother answered call #5 on what I am almost convinced was one of the last rings. In the past I maybe had something to stop me - something saying ‘you need to live because XYZ needs you or because you need to ABC’. I’ve got none of that left anymore.

In terms of Issue 2 - I talked about it a little the other day, but my therapist isn’t wrong in regards to the fact that all my behaviors are destroying myself. I complain about being broke and yet I spend every dollar I have on garbage and food. I complain that I am unattractive and overweight and yet I continuously eat nothing but fast food and go out to restaurants by myself. I am out of shape and have high cholesterol, I continue to sit on my ass and shove fried food in my mouth. I want to get back into Nursing School but I spent all summer moping about not being in Nursing School and Having No Money and Being Depressed that I made 0 fucking effort to get back INTO it. I want to be hired as a nurse for the company I work for and yet I call out of work constantly and now have gotten FUCKING IN TROUBLE for it. It’s like I have two lists in my head. Good Wants (nursing career, weight loss, health increase) and Bad Wants (immediate satisfaction: clothes, food, vacations, etc.) and the ONLY wants I give into are the BAD ones. 

Yes, it’s hard - I’ve got the Anxiety and the Depression. I have no motivation, think everything is pointless, and have 0 hope for the future. 

But I am also lazy and impulsive and both of those things need to stop. I have coddled myself all summer and said it was OK to lay down and Give Up. Hell, LAST NIGHT I laid in bed and thought “but what if I did just give up? what if I quit my job, stopped going to school, and just decided to lay down in bed and never move again. I could be 800lbs and shit myself and then probably go to jail for never paying any of my bills - maybe I could say I’m insane and be locked up in a psych facility for the rest of my life - I could go through the motions of just existing every day.”. Of course it isn’t what I WANT with my life - I want to LIVE it and I want to be HAPPY - but this is the way I function anymore. 

I am single-handedly destroying my OWN life. And that I KNOW I am capable of now.

47. Have you ever forced or let someone take a fall for you?

I understand this to mean “take blame for you” and not “have you ever pushed someone down” but yes - I have actually pushed someone and they fell down. I shoved a friend of mine back when we were like 14 and he tripped over a log behind him and fell on his ass. He was very upset and didn’t want to talk to me for a bit until I apologized. I feel bad now because I know what inspired the push and it was REALLY SHITTY of me to do it. But yeah.

Anyway - the real question: The only thing I can remember is that time I stole that eraser from my classmates desk back in second grade but then I felt guilty (and also knew that they would recognize the eraser as theirs if I took it out) and ditched it in a different classmates desk. 

My logic there was: they wont think it was me because they’ll see it in THEIR desk and not MY desk and they will thing THAT PERSON stole it and get mad at THEM instead of me because they won’t know I did it. I honestly don’t remember the outcome of it. But I don’t think anything happened. I think, if I remember correctly, the person pulled it out of their desk and was like “how did this get in my desk” and handed it back to the proper owner and said “i found your eraser in my desk I don’t know how it got there, but here you can have it back” and the owner said “ok thanks”. and it was 100% not a big deal because they were both confused as fuck.

I KNOW I GET REALLY IN-DEPTH WITH THESE I AM SORRY BUT DO PLEASE ASK MORE.

[xxmiaxx]

deep, extremely personal things about me (pt. 1)

 I’m extremely afraid of being rejected by my family, so there have been many things in my life that I had to let go of because it was easier to go along with what my family wanted than what would make me happy. Even if what they wanted went against everything I believe in, I was expected to go along with it. I think this is what’s made me so stubborn in other relationships with people and made it hard for me to compromise, because I’ve had to give up so much of myself to appease my family.

 My dad has an extremely explosive temper, very Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde, sometimes we’d say something to him and he would be calm and not react, other times he would scream at us for hours. When those were his reactions, it was best to assume I was wrong and he was right. I’ve always resented that, because a lot of the time I was right, morally, literally, whatever the case was. More importantly, I’ve always felt he was always in the wrong for yelling at me like that, for saying some of the things he has to me throughout the years. My mom is kind of the same, not as bad and not as unpredictable usually, but I feel the same about her in those situations. They tried to make us feel like they were always right and we always had to be submissive to them when they said something, that we always had to listen to them, even if what they said was completely bigoted or wrong in my eyes (if I use we, I’m referring to myself and my brother, because they did the same to him). This has definitely translated to my personal life, I tend to be more submissive and I rarely stand up for myself.

I think deep down I feel like even if I stand up for myself that it won’t matter. That whatever I have to say isn’t as important, even if it is to me. Especially with people of authority, I usually get extremely bad anxiety about talking to my bosses or teachers, especially if I’m trying to stand up for myself or challenge them in any way. I’m not a huge fan of confrontation with anybody, but especially people who are in positions of power over me. 

I have developed some really poor coping strategies to my anxiety because of the household I grew up in as well I think. When I get anxiety, one of two things typically happens (sometimes both): I’ll either start crying, or I’ll blow up on the person/situation/cause of my anxiety. My first response has been for most of my life to break down, that’s what I’ve pretty much been conditioned to do in feelings of anxiety. The reason my anxiety even started, in my opinion, is from these conflicts I would have with my parents; they typically didn’t stop yelling until I agreed with them and complied with whatever they were demanding and most of the time it ended with me in tears. Naturally, this is my go to response. However, the response I’ve been modeled my entire life is to get angry, to react to the situation violently and blow up verbally at whatever the situation is. I hate this response, because I feel myself doing the exact same thing that they have done to me my entire life. But, sometimes I feel like I can’t help it, it just boils over inside of me and comes out in the form of yelling and swearing and seeing red. The worst part is I tend to have this reaction with those closest to me, just like my parents have.

I’ve had a lot of problems with my parents over the years because of the way the react to situations that they don’t like, and because of this I don’t trust either of them. At all. With anything. And it sucks, because I genuinely really love my mom and I want to be able to trust her, but she’s said some things to me that I can never forgive her for. When she goes into a rage she takes the lowest blows possible. When I was 17 and my boyfriend at the time had broken up with me (probably for the 24027849 time), she told me in a fight that “he left you because he had sex with you and now you’re worthless to him”. To her 17 year old daughter, who was heartbroken over her first real, serious boyfriend (who I lost my virginity to). She didn’t know that one of the reasons he stated for breaking up with me was because I was bad in bed (to his defense, I pretended to have had sex with someone else before we got together and that I was experienced, which I wasn’t, so that’s honestly probably what he thought looking back, but that’s a story for a different day). Regardless, it was fucked up. I’ve never really forgiven her for that, and since then she’s said things similarly and even lower. 

My dad on the other hand.. I just don’t really connect with him at all. Despite him and my mom being married and growing up living in the same house as him, he’s basically an absentee parent. All he ever could think about was the next time he’d get to escape for 2 months at a time to go back to Italy. He spent all his time working when I was growing up, so we never really had a relationship. He never attended a dance recital, band concert, cheer game, nothing. Not because he was busy, because he was uninterested. Everything in his life is about him. My mom tries to justify his behavior, acting as though we owe him something because “everything we have is because of him”. At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I don’t feel like he did any of the things he did for us. I just can’t see the thought running through his head that he was going to go out and work to afford braces for me and my brother, or cars, college, weddings, etc. I don’t see that being the picture in his head of what he cares about. I feel like he views all of those things as expenses, and he works the way that he does to ensure those expenses are paid for when he decides to run off and live the life he actually wants, in another country with none of us there. I don’t think he’s ever even thought about how that might have hurt me throughout the years. I don’t think he’s even ever missed me when he’s been gone, why would he, he doesn’t even know me. He usually complains that nobody ever calls him or reaches out to him while he’s away. It’s funny, because he was gone almost 2 months last September, and he only messaged me one time, on Facebook. I replied, no response. Didn’t speak to him again until he returned to the US.

The mentality that I owe him respect because he makes money and provides for us has been really damaging throughout the years. It put me in a mindset that if someone buys you things or gives you a gift of monetary value that you owe them something. I had this mentality when I dated Tristan (my psycho ex-story coming soon). Had I been raised to think that love, respect, and gratitude is given to those who talk to you about your day, support you when you do something, and genuinely cared about you and what you are interested in and not that it’s owed to those who pay your way and buy you stuff, probably wouldn’t have stayed in that relationship as long as I did.

My parent’s marriage isn’t a healthy example for me either, and maybe that’s contributed to my ridiculously horrifying dating past. They fight constantly, it’s been loveless for a long time. They’ve fought so terribly (always verbally, never physically that I’m aware of, not that it makes it better) that me and my brother, even as little children, used to BEG my mom to leave him. Her response was always that she couldn’t leave him, that she wouldn’t do that to him after all this time. That’s been a really negative example in my life. Although I am an extremely loyal person to those who are good to me, which is a quality I admire about myself, I tend to be loyal to people who aren’t good to me either. I give people who are toxic and destructive in my life chance, after chance, after chance, because that’s what I saw my mom do with my dad. No matter what mean things someone says or does to me, I tend to overlook it and allow them back into my life with an “I’m sorry”. It’s pathetic. 

My family is extremely dysfunctional, I think everyone’s family is to an extent. Things haven’t been all bad always, but there is a decent amount of negativity and pain that stems directly from my parents. There are a lot of things about me that are the way they are because of my upbringing and because of the way my parents are.