#2) i need to watch the rising spoilers myself just thinking of the screenshots i was sent is NOT ENOUGH

[toestalucia]

MY CAPTAINS ❗❗❗❗❗❗❗❗

[miradanii]

More Transformers Spoiler thoughts...it's a jumbled mess.

1. I don't know why I didn't catch the rocks in the mines were moving on their own for the first time.

2. Also, I noticed and kept laughing way too much when someone said the word MINERS. Like I can't. It's the point where I wish there was a secondary word for it so I can stop giggling when someone on screen refers to them.

3. Silverbolt and Jetfire are in the race!!! And now gives me a shit ton of questions aside from the organic life that's on the surface of cybertron.

4. they did a close up shot of Optimus grabbing on to D-16 when he's about to go off the edge of the road. Had an ouch in the moment.

5. I wanted to watch this movie again cause someone pointed out how D-16 licks his teeth before fighting Starscream and...yeah wow one side of me appreciates small details about a character. Like think of Chihiro in Spirited away putting on her shoes and after standing up tapping the tip of her feet so the shoe feet's right before walking off. There's a lot of mini actions characters kinda do that you might miss and it's just wonderful attention to detail....and the other side of me just wanted to witness this man's tongue for myself because I did not catch it the first time. Because my first thought seeing the screenshot was...."they have tounges?" And I see it right?

I won't comment further.

6. Watching a second time had me pay way more attention to D-16's decent and inevitably to become Megatron. Cause I have seen some of the criticisms. Of maybe it coming out of nowhere or could do a bit more and yeah maybe? It felt much smoother second time around.

7. I also didn't realize Sentinel was the one who told him to "Rise Up" and not even like 10 minutes later D-16 uses it in his grand speech/as Megatron in the aftercredits. Orion making such a bad move to tell him not to be like Sentinal just ahhhh. So this reminded me of a show that did the same thing, a friend turning evil before their eyes, but despite being a good person, she says all the wrong things in the moment. Literally everything wrong.

Orion begging D-16 not to be like Sentinal is not what should even be said at the moment. It just made him more defensive and double down.

8. Facial expressions that are ingrained in my head

-B-127's face when D-16 is arguing with Oron nearly insulting B in his face.

-Orion's really sad during the second half of the movie

-Megatron's optics slightly dimming for a few seconds when Optimus tells him that he's banished from Iacon.

-Elita's change of expression when they reach the surface and Optimus looks at her though in the trailers seems romantic (knowing the history of Oplita) but it's more relief and a I told you so kind of way????

9. I like Elita more now. Her dialogue is what uplifts it for me, mostly in the realm of a supervisor in desperate need of a promotion. Idk if you work 9-5 or a nightshift that spans 10 hours her dialogue is really funny to me.

My least favorite trope is when there's just "girl that is competent and kick ass". For once, Transformers One doesn't let that bother me.

Pretty much due to all the characters having the same level of combat knowledge or scenes punching Orion because it's funny. Arguably Elita-1 doesn't heave weapons like the dudes, and is a fucking bike...and she's pink but overall it's not like there's anywhere in the film that remotely mentions any type of sexism or "girl needs to prove something". She was kinda already doing that with her job until she got fucked over.

Having at least another character relating to her goals in the movie helps too. She and D-16 emphasize wanting to rise the ranks and fear demotion/living through it.

(Now that I think about it...Elita hinting to becoming close to Optimus after Megs is more entwined in the story than I thought. It feels like a slow friend switch and then B-127 is also there).

I wanna see the movie again so I can she Elita-1 and D-16's interactions. Cause I can't think of any specific ones at the top of my head aside from the fight at the end.

10. I love B-127. I think he's a bit older given his immediate knowledge of the High Guard (idk)??? Yeah it's a gag pointing out WaveWave but I like it's his character moment where he just contributes to knowing something.

[geekgemsspooksandtoons]

My thoughts on Bioshock 1

I just wanna put this out there. It’s 12:01 am and I find it nice that I finished it before Sunday popped up. This post is gonna have major spoilers. I’ll post the screenshots in a different post. I don’t know if I should call this a review. But yeah I didn’t wanna make this quickly. Took time making some popcorn(two bags for a bowl) and getting a Diet Dr. Pepper.

But my thoughts on the game itself. A game that gamers have considered one of the greatest video games ever made.

I want you all to know. The reason I went back to playing it because I was looking up the terrible voice acting of the original RE game. That it got me to wanting to play a older game...which is the first Bioshock on my main computer. 

But in a nutshell I thought it was a pretty nice game. The gameplay is pretty stellar. Especially the combat. But I will admit, the game didn’t really scare me. Because it was considered horror by some folks. But the way I was playing I think a way how you would describe....something out of the Doom series. 

Yet this is because I was playing on easy mode. Because I wanted to experience the story. Especially when I upgraded my weapons. I was basically a walking powerhouse. Along with the fact I didn’t use my plasmids a whole lot. But I did use them when they seem needed or when I wanted to try them out. I was mainly a weapons guy. 

But yeah upgraded weapons made the journey easier. Even during the final boss with Frank. 

The story is pretty alright. Even though some of the audio diaries I decided not to listen to except for some. Especially when the big reveal was coming. 

I will admit and I think people may know of this. But I knew of the big twist and read stuff about how Jack was basically controlled through most of the game. Where the phrase, “Would You Kindly” Atlas was saying to control him. Where this becomes more clear when you enter a room that has, “Would You Kindly’ on the wall and...those diaries crap....a dog getting it’s neck snapped....to be honest I feel like the moment Jack see’s that. I feel like he was probably confused or just wondering, “What the fuck?”.

But basically where Andrew Ryan exposes this by saying the phrase a couple of times, and asking Jack to kill him with the golf club. Gonna admit to watch that twist in motion, for some reason I wasn’t expecting it to be that dramatic. Because I was expecting it to be simply casual with Andrew explaining what Jack is actually. Where Jack realizes when Andrew asks Jack to kill him, he was telling the truth. Yet I strangely like it how Andrew was trying to showcase more that using the phrase a few time to really showcase Jack was never in control. 

Yet it was nice to finally see the scene in full motion in the original game. Since I’m not playing the remastered version.

To be honest I think the most shocking thing was the fact when I went on the Bioshock wiki. That Jack is literally 4 years old. 0_0 Just....I actually found that to be the most surprising.

Including just the whole set up of why Jack is there isn’t by chance. Honestly despite the dimension hopping that surprised me a lot. Just Jack growing up and all that...surprised me the most. 

But I find it nice how Andrew during the game as you get closer to him. He’s alluding to the fact that it seems like such a coincidence that Jack crashed near that lighthouse above Rapture. As if it was some sort of miracle. 

I’ll stop talking about the twist sorry. So I was right, Atlas who is Frank didn’t really have a family. I will admit Frank’s a pretty damn good actor. Because I feel like people who first played this and if I didn’t look into certain stuff. It would of been more of a surprise. Because I find it amazing he can change his voice. 

Including the fact when you get closer to him. He’s just talking about you and him tricking you. Including why are you even still trying to get him. When Jack doesn’t have a family. I guess I can say he didn’t disappoint me as a villain. 

Again the gameplay is wonderful, Rapture was a interesting place. Both to look at and I guess to explore. I will admit I sometimes couldn’t find some stuff right away. Such as a Big Daddy helmet after a while.

The Splicer are cool and have some variety, the Big Daddies are pretty nice too. Yet what I’m amazed by and I’m glad I couldn’t find that Big Daddy helmet right away because the last two Little Sisters that were with Big Daddies were near by. 

I actually got all the Little Sisters that I recall. Basically rescuing all of them. Meaning I got the best and what I know canon ending. Gonna admit that last scene and just watching that cutscene. Despite it’s actually very quick. I can’t believe I had tears or so....despite I don’t seem to build a connection with these girls.

There is just something beautiful about that ending. Including to see they offered Jack the key to Rapture but he denies it. 

Also there is something of just seeing all these Little Sisters just literally murder Frank and I got a shot of that actually. I saw that in a video once and it’s just intriguing. It seems kind of ridiculous but once you play the game, you understand how they are overpowering him. 

The soundtrack....I’ll be honest I didn’t think about it much. Mainly because I was so focused on gameplay and getting through the game. Also weird thing this didn’t happen a lot. But I remember one time one of Franks line was up and he wasn’t talking. 

Listen to any fans of Bioshock, sorry that I’m rambling. But I’m sorry I’m not praising it to the heavens. But I felt like I did myself a favor because this is a very loved game. It was nice to finally play it and finish it. I think it’s because I’m still processing some stuff. Including during a time in my life I thought gameplay is more important than story. Which was a thought I started having when I became a fan of Doom. But then loving Resident Evil again got me to realize liking video game stories. Considering before the gameplay thing, I would always prefer a single player over multiplayer. 

But now I like both. It’s just I was I guess annoyed by how much praised Bioshock gets and it makes it seem like 2 and Infinite are hated on a lot. Including it just...bothered me and that I’d felt rebellious to not play the original. Because people made it seem like what I like to call it, “The Citizen Kane Of Gaming”. It was a game changer and I should understand that.

Yet you can thank my good bro and buddy @pikablob for being the reason why I got into this series more. All because I was wondering why does Elizabeth in Burial At Sea look so young but in the timeline she would be 66. Until he explained to me things about dimension hopping and after my surprise and shock of what he told me. That got me basically be like, “Okay I need to play these games because holy shit”. Even though I’ve played 2 before and finished Infinite and Burial At Sea episode 1 before. 

It was just so insane to learn that I needed to experience these games myself as I’m older now. 

I feel like overtime I’ll like Bioshock more. Because I had predicted this could become one of my all time favorites. But I don’t think so right now. Maybe when I ever replay it again and maybe even the remastered version. I may love it more. But I felt like compared to games like the original Doom, Doom 2016, Halo Combat Evolved(Because I recall from my experience that game is a classic), and even the Call Of Duty Modern Warfare trilogy. Especially 1 and 2, with 3 being a fitting conclusion to it. I got more out of those games.

Which I sound stupid for mentioning. Bioshock is a whole different beast. I’m talking about a game where someone like Andrew Ryan literally made a city underwater that wouldn’t be affected by what he considered, “Petty morality” and look where Rapture ended up as....a fucking shit hole. 

That I recall I don’t feel terrible seeing Andrew Ryan die. Yet it’s probably because he wants to die and he accepts it. Including his final words and the way the scene went. Yet I was surprised that golf club got stuck in his head when Jack did the final blow. 

But I think that’s just my mind set. Including on a silly note and I’m finally gonna say something I’ve had in my head. I just miss Elizabeth. Again I may enjoy it more as time goes all. Because it is a excellent game. 

Because even though I haven’t played the remastered versions of Bioshock 1 and 2. I feel like if you want to. I’d recommend checking out the original Bioshock if you want to. It’s a well made game and I hope I think it’s genius about the fact The Bioshock Collection exists and it’s on 8th gen consoles now(Especially it got released on Nintendo Switch last month) and for PC’s if you want remastered versions of the first 2.

Basically was looking at trailers for the collection. I think it’s genius because that package seems perfect for any new fan who wants to experience the complete saga as of now. 

I think I’ve said enough on my piece on the original Bioshock.

Anyway during the making of this post. I was listening to this kick ass rap. I find it awesome I finished the game and got to experience it for my own. Here’s JT Music’s Bioshock 1 rap, “Rapture Rising”. Been listening to this when making this. Warning in case even though I talked about spoilers in here, you have spoilers in this rap. Again well done rap.

[shenmeizhuang-blog]

 the firmament of the pleiades – midway musings 

(Or, in other words: I intended to post about The Pleiades earlier, yet procrastinated until I ended up about halfway through. Specifically, at the time of writing I am at episode 12 of 28.)

Depicted above is a seemingly benign scene – Emperor Guangxu’s beloved Consort [at this point in time, Concubine] Zhen (Lemon Zhang) trying her hand in court painting under the tutelage of late Empress Dowager Cixi (Yuko Tanaka). But things are never so simple – even Cixi’s lessons and compliments are lined with terse warnings: in the Forbidden City, never think too highly of yourself. (And if you know how the history goes …)

The year is 1889, and at the ripe age of 18, Emperor Guangxu (Zhang Bo) is finally allowed to assume full powers as rightful ruler. But with the Qing Dynasty in major decline, with foreign threats and influences, a weakened military, ludicrous palace spending, the rise of the noveau riche, as well as Cixi’s unwillingness to so easily hand over power, we’re really in here for a long ride. 

As a rather well-known and well-documented period of history, admittedly I find it shocking that there haven’t been many hit dramas and movies depicting the dramatic occurrences revolving around the second-to-last reign of the Qing Dynasty – a time filled with both court splendor and major foreign influence, not to mention the almost fairy-tale tragic love story between Emperor Guangxu and Consort Zhen that quite nearly spells the perfect formula for hit cdrama. But The Firmament of the Pleiades, though not perfect, is most definitely a masterfully directed and relatively objective, authentic taste into the doomed time period. 

Rather than take a side in depicting the tense and fearful relationship and power plays between the Emperor and Empress Dowager, The Pleiades actually brings focus to an unexpected bromance between newly appointed court minister Liang Wenxiu (Zhou Yiwei) and Cixi’s favored eunuch, Chun’er (Xu Shaoqun). Instead of pointing fingers at who may be right or wrong, the historical figures, as well as the two original protagonists (technically Wenxiu sort of does have a historical counterpart), in their own way represent conflicting ideals – the Emperor’s willingness to open up to reform (and I imagine, later on in the drama, Consort Zhen’s fascination with Western traditions and objects such as photography, as well as directly further encouraging reform) that clashes with Cixi’s far more traditional take, be it her shock at “Western” customs, universal education, and the Gregorian calendar, or even the way she so cleverly retains power through means of “political tutelage” – the way Qianlong supposedly did when he served as regent after passing the throne on to his son, Emperor Jiaqing – something she was willing to do because there was a precedent, as if it followed a tradition of sorts. 

However, twelve episodes into the drama, we’re really still at a set-up of sorts, with all sorts of political machinations happening in the background as we witness “ordinary” things such as various traditions and rituals, and most especially some angst and relationship-building – a “calm before the storm” of sorts as Guangxu meekly and fearfully attempts to appease his adoptive mother, while princes, ministers, and eunuchs take sides in two clearly forming factions – all the while attempting to pretend that all is fine and dandy. While I squeal over all the drama going down while the Qing Dynasty is clearly increasingly weakening, here is what I’ve surmised (spoilers below the cut): 

1. Easily one of my favorite things about The Pleiades is how they’ve so deftly fleshed out and humanized Empress Dowager Cixi. Cixi is really often depicted as an “evil, power-hungry” figure of sorts who supposedly brought about the fall of not just the Qing Dynasty but Imperial China itself. Through not allowing Guangxu’s 100 Days Reform, as well as her excessive spending, popular culture likes to blame her for the dynasty’s ultimate demise. Which isn’t necessarily completely false, and might happen in this show, too, but there are many other factors in play – including the various ministers, most prominently Rong Lu, who desperately need Cixi to remain in power so that they can continue their acts of corruption. 

Yuko Tanaka is… amazing in her portrayal, and while I somehow find myself feeling compassionate for Cixi’s loneliness, her frustration at the confines of the court (in a way, she really has a more ambitious and rebellious personality, which is a fascinating dichotomy considering how traditional her values are), disappointment at how most people around her either hates and/or fears her, never for a moment does she feel whitewashed, and really still remains true to the depictions of history. There are also some intriguing questions of morality and how even she isn’t completely understanding of herself. Overall, if you want an objective look into Cixi, this is the drama for you. 

2. Unfortunately, I almost get the feeling that Rong Lu ultimately ends up shouldering a good portion of the “evil deeds”. Current state of affairs almost feels like evil evil and greedy Rong Lu creating havoc throughout the already strained relations within the Qing Court, while the honorable 醇亲王 (Guangxu’s biological father/the seventh prince of the previous reign) tries to do good, and while I love watching the political maneuvers here, I just think more nuanced characterization of the court ministers would actually really improve things even more. I also foresee Rong Lu screwing things up with Guangxu’s shifu Yang Xizhen and Wenxiu.

3. Speaking of flat characterization, I find that both protagonists Wenxiu and Chun’er can easily be placed into “earnest cinnamon roll” category. Both Wenxiu and Chun’er are really likable, and Chun’er especially I find really hard to not adore (I didn’t take screenshots, but Chun’er is just SO. CUTE.), but there’s really little meta that I can offer about both of them. 

Wenxiu’s motivations were clear-cut from his entire backstory (his biological mom is a literal saint), though his current angsting with “Madame Zhang”, as well as his overall political involvement does allow him more credibility as a character. However, his entire narration feels so very extra, to the point where I feel like rolling my eyes. I was never particularly keen on shipping him and Madame Zhang (Yin Tao) together (though Madame Zhang herself is awesome!!!), and I really feel like part of the reason for that is the extraneous narration. Things like: “that very instant I laid my eyes upon her, I knew we were fated” (I know I’m making this up, but like actually), or “I don’t even know her name, but I know her more than others”, and somehow I wish the show wasn’t so upfront about it. Perhaps it would be better if they allowed us to interpret the signs of attraction ourselves. 

While Chun’er is ridiculously adorable, there’s no denying that he’s essentially a Mary Sue (Gary Stu), so far with really little meaningful character development. He’s good at, like, everything probably, except I guess sleazily maneuvering the Qing court, and also is a well-meaning moderator. Honestly, I can completely see why Eunuch Li (not him, of course, the older one – also, is it just me or have all the recent dramas I’ve watched featured a prominent Eunuch Li of sorts? First there was Li Fuguo is The Glory of Tang Dynasty, and then Li De Fu in Legend of the Dragon Pearl, and now even The Firmament of the Pleiades.) finds him irritating. But, like, even when he found out about his first shifu “Lao De Zi”, as well as Cixi, using him for the 龙玉 (“Dragon Jade” – more on that later), he just completely accepted such with zero frustrations or grudges on his part. 

4. So there’s a supernatural element to this show. Well, for one, this is called The Firmament of the Pleiades, or, more literally, The Firmament: The Pleiades, referring to Chun’er’s special star, and how his fate is somehow tied to this “Dragon Jade”. Supposedly it’s a treasure of sorts that gave legitimacy to the Qing Dynasty, but was lost during the latter part of Emperor Qianlong’s reign, which was *gasps* about when Qing began to decline. 

Herein lies the more questionable execution of the show, be it the creepy Twilight Zone-like background score, the ridiculously campy and dramatic zoom-ins (I tend to giggle), or how Cixi’s vision with Qianlong in the temple quite nearly blinded me (with the way they used the backlight to create a “supernatural aura” and to hide Qianlong’s face). However, I do love how the show questions whether Cixi really wants the “Dragon Jade” for herself or the Qing Dynasty. 

Also, how unsubtle! at how even upon 醇亲王’s deathbed, he’s gasping for breath about the freaking “Dragon Jade”. What is the deal? 

(They’ve also began to incorporate the notorious “curse of the Yehenara clan”. Interesting.)

5. Occasional questionable execution aside, this show is ridiculously gorgeous and refined. The sets and costumes are probably some of the most historically accurate I’ve seen to date. (Since photography existed at the time, the producers of this show were at a greater advantage.) 

While I might complain about some of the camera-work, and I find it a pity that this was produced in 2010, since a production with improved lighting and clarity would have been simply amazing, most of the camera angles are gorgeously deliberate. From the way the camera follows a person from behind, as if lost or in great tension, or the way it focuses down from above, creating a suffocating space, to how it shifts from Guangxu to Cixi, always there behind the curtain, I find myself squealing in excitement more often than not. 

6. There’s more Ling’er in this than I expected. To all the Zhao Liying fans: this is worth watching! Ling’er actually manages to make an appearance about at least once per 1 or 2 episodes, which I find rather impressive. So far, as the younger sister of Chun’er, she hasn’t seen that much character development either, but her character has to deal with a major shift in changing social classes – that moment when she was perceived as a mere servant, even though she was really supposed to be Wenxiu’s little sister was very nicely included.

7. It’s a really nice way for me to improve my Chinese. Since I’m stuck at that point where most other cdramas tend to not teach me that much. 

愿君多采撷 此物最相思 refers to the “red beans”, or the 相思豆 that grow on trees.

Overall, though flawed at times with more flat and obvious characterization of the side male characters, this is a very solid show that I’m excited to see more of. (For a moment I was slightly disappointed at a lack of Guangxu x Consort Zhen so far, but judging from the credits they’re going to be angsting a lot in the latter half.)

Miscellaneous:

Rumors are flying everywhere that (either) Zhang Bo (or Yang Shuo) is to portray the male lead in Zhao Liying’s upcoming drama Do You Know? Do You Know? It Ought To Be A Red Flower Among The Green Leaves. If so, I’ll definitely be looking forward to a nice reunion between the actors, even if Ling’er most probably never gets a chance to ever meet the Emperor. 

Opinion: Zhang Bo low-key looks like Hu Ge from some angles? But I would imagine Hu Ge being hotter in the Qing queue – so very sorry. 

[pomegranate-salad]

ÜbeR-rated

For whatever reason, Word War 2 and Nazism have been on my mind a lot lately, so I finally got around to reading Über, all 27 issues of it, plus the specials and the beginning of Über Invasion. And I wrote a 5K analysis of it in the context of the fictionalization of Nazis. This is a thing I did to myself. And if you don’t want to feel left out, now you can read it too.

Heavy spoilers for the whole Über run, TW for pretty much everything you’d expect from a WW2 comic (except screenshots, because… well). Enjoy (?)

…

 What am I looking at here ?

  It’s 11 pm here and I’ve been staring blankly at my computer screen for thirty minutes, trying to find the proper way to kick off this essay, when all I had to do was to take a look at the additional rewards of the Kickstarter for the new Über arc, in order to introduce the point I want to start this piece on : I AM VERY, VERY WARY OF WW2-BASED FICTION. It’s not to say I’m opposed to it on principle, as I know some people are ; no matter how hard the topic, there’s always use for fiction. Fiction is a vector. It can be used right and it can be used wrong, but while on some levels it cannot hope to ever hold the same value as historical content, there are similarly elements only a piece of fiction can grasp. And if this kind of ethical discussion is always going to be around, it’s because fictionalization of real-life events is always going to be around. It’s an inevitable processing device of the human mind, and as much as possible I try to examine artistic material without resting my entire appreciation on their rapport to their source material, if only because part of their value comes from their ability to stray away from it.

But if there’s one event around which the tensions between history and fiction have made themselves an integrant and even a central part of any discussion of their artistic merits, it would be World War Two, and more specifically the Third Reich aspect of it. Maybe that’s unfair. But the historicity that has to be worked with on other topics here becomes a prerequisite concern : if the transposition from real events to fiction is handled poorly, it stands at risk of disqualifying the entire work. And even in works from thoughtful, ethically-minded creators (as it is the case with Über) you’re never safe from a “what the hell were they thinking” type of blunder. I hope they still sell those shirts next time I visit an Avatar booth so I finally get something to go with my “I <3 Auschwitz” tote bag.

 However, once we get past the fact that the “offensiveness” of the work is always going to be part of the discussion, there is a lot to be said on the link between historical events and their fictionalization on a pure narrative level. Even when this fictionalization is done wrong from an ethical point of view, it can teach us a lot about our own need for fiction and the inner workings of real events-based artworks.

 I felt this introduction was necessary, as this piece is going to feature both discussions of the ethical stakes raised by the choices Über made when fictionalizing WW2, and discussions of the same choices from a storytelling and aesthetic perspective. Nevertheless, even when these two aspects – ethical and artistic – are discussed separately, it should be understood that they are coexisting lenses of appreciation of Über as a whole, and that a negative or positive appreciation of a narrative choice from one perspective should in no way be taken as a validation or denigration from the other. To put it simply, the fact that I will praise some of Über’s creative decisions doesn’t mean I consider them free of ethical issues ; reciprocally, my criticism of Über’s handling of some ethical issues doesn’t mean I consider it worthless as a piece of art.

If you are of the opinion that ethical deficiency should prevent any artistic analysis of this work to take place, I will not argue ; similarly, if you want to avail yourself of a right to enjoy fiction without concerning yourself with ethical debates – well, you’re wrong, but that’s not an argument I will start here. Personally, I think these two aspects need to be analysed concurrently here, as Über is kind of a perfect case study in WW2 fictionalization in that it’s a thought-provoking work in large part because it is riddled with questionable choices, instead of being thought-provoking in spite of them.

 In conclusion to this introduction folks, Über is a land of contrasts.

  The Three Big Bad Wolves

 At its most basic level, the premise of Über is nothing that hasn’t been done before : at some point in WW2, we enter an alternate timeline in which Nazis somehow manage to take the advantage thanks to a technical breakthrough. It’s a handy premise as it has long served as an oblique way to discuss the American use of the atom bomb in Japan, and the subsequent nuclear race, without being hit with the “would you rather have had the Nazis win the war ?” inevitable defence. Put the dangerous toy in the hands of the most recognizable villainous figure of the 20th century, and suddenly, the conversion loses its controversial aspect. However, I’d also argue it loses its pertinence. It doesn’t have to, but more often than not, the identification of debatable means to an undebatable villain tends to wash out any reflexion on the mean itself to instead reinforce the evil of the character. The Nazi atom bomb is evil because it’s Nazi, not because it’s a weapon of mass destruction. There’s no equivalent to the nuclear escalation started by the US bomb in the Nazi atom bomb timeline : any technological progress made to counter Nazis is ultimately being coloured as good, because it’s fighting Nazis we’re talking about.

This is where Über does something interesting : instead of trying for a weak “no blameless sides” approach that could only pale in comparison with the culturally engrained goal of stopping Nazis, it turns the original premise to eleven and watches it unfold. The Nazi atom bomb is not just the American one with the eagle painted black, it’s one that dons an unmistakably Nazi idea : the rise of a superior race of men. So when the USSR and the UK and then the US have to retaliate, they have to do so by implementing a technology that is tainted with the very ideology they are fighting against. In that sense, it’s very telling that we see this technology collide with the Allies’ own racist ideology : America is willing to put itself at a disadvantage by under-employing some of its potential “enhanced men” because they are black. In the war of ideas presented in Über, Germany has already won : it’s now fighting on its own field.

 That’s the enhanced men premise in terms of sides ; what about the enhanced men on their own ? Where do they stand in the context of fictionalizing WW2 ? There’s of course an inevitable comparison to be made between Captain America and Über, but one I will leave to someone who actually knows their stuff about Captain America. Instead, I want to look at this premise from a larger perspective : is there a use for a superior version of Nazis ? A sci-fi device is handy to compensate for an overpowered adversary ; in Über’s case in particular, any modern WW2-based fiction has to work with the limitations of hindsight : we live in a world that was built on a Nazi defeat, therefore it is hard to conceive of a winning Germany without somehow rebalancing the odds. This is where fiction might benefit from a re-actualization that is inherently impossible for historical material : we could make Nazis win, so we can beat them again.

 However, this is where the unicity of WW2 as an historical event comes to undercut the use of fiction. WW2 and the Holocaust aren’t just real events : they were a cultural breaking point. To grossly paraphrase Theodor Adorno, one cannot think in the paradigm that led to Auschwitz anymore. With the end of WW2, a page of the human book of thoughts was turned. Our intellect, our culture, came across something that couldn’t be assimilated : both had to be profoundly rerouted to make sense of the world. Nazism is an intellectual dead-end : it represent the moment an entire intellectual and cultural paradigm imploded into total loss of meaning. What it means is that, even today, Nazism is Nazism precisely because we can’t conceive of it, and yet it did come to exist. Understanding the historicity of Nazism takes more than faith in the facts ; it takes suspension of disbelief IRL. The key factor in understanding the cultural impact of WW2 is its reality. Nazis aren’t scary because they were evil, they are scary because they were real. So if your premise is something along the lines of “Nazis, but scarier”, all you can accomplish is further remove Nazism from what gives it its cultural impact and straight into fiction territory. By pushing it into deliberate incredibility instead of forcing the audience to confront its actual incredibility, you anchor your story into a sanitized environment in which Nazism has been replaced by its cultural shorthand. Your Nazi is evil, but they’re not real, and therefore not scary.

This is why to me, using fictional enhancement to compensate for the historicity of Nazism is a device that is doomed from the start. This is a case where Reality wins ; even the slightest confrontation to real-life Nazi brutality has more narrative impact than all the sci-fi body horror in the world. What it meant for me reading Über is that I was aware of the impact the übermensch were supposed to have on the reader but I never felt this impact for myself. I’d argue the scariest moment in the whole Über run occurs in the Special, specifically Markus’ backstory. Here we see a child born into national-socialist ideology commit a hate crime. The implacable use of infantile impulses to indoctrinate hatred ; now this is a taste of the unbelievable Reality of Nazism. In comparison, Klaudia destroying all of Paris elicits no emotion because it belongs wholly in the cogs of fiction.

Now this would be alright if Über’s only ambition was to tell a story set in the context of WW2, but it’s a comic with the ambition to make a statement about WW2, meaning it wants me to be invested both in its actual story and in the fact that it’s a WW2 story. But it doesn’t work as a standalone story because its stakes are so rooted in its historical basis, and it cannot hope to one-up this basis as a work of fiction. As a result, Über sits uncomfortably between its premise and its stakes, lowering the latter by furthering the former.

  Killing cities in a night, repeatedly

 The fictionalized and historical aspects of Über also come to collide in its graphic decisions. Violence – both its level and its regularity – is a recurrent issue encountered by WW2-based works, including non-fiction ones : what to show ? How much to show ? This is a matter of responsibility but also impact : setting a standard of violence is also what will help you to highlight and judge these actions relatively. What kind of violence do the “good guys” allow themselves ? What is the line that indicates a wrongdoing ?

WW2 here comes with its specific set of problems, as it is an era in which brutality and barbarism wasn’t only pushed further than ever before, it was also generalized and systematized ; meaning that violence can virtually be present at every instant and not feel like an exaggeration. Moreover, there is such a variety of ways this violence can be painted, from clinical and cold to outrageous and unbearable, that each representation of violence cannot help but feel like a statement.

Every WW2-based work has provided us with its own answer to this problem. In Merle’s Death is my trade, the violence of Auschwitz is perceived through the eyes of a detached, efficiency-minded SS top officer : here, violence is a numbing succession of technical examination, the result of a cost and benefits analysis devoid of any empathy. In Inglorious Basterds, Tarantino went in the opposite direction : this is one of his least violent films from a frequency perspective, but when violence occurs, it is never anodyne. Sometimes it is glorious, other times gruesome, but the movie makes sure you are there to appreciate every single bit of it.

 So safe to say there are many ways the litany of horrors of WW2 can be approached. But the solution Über came up with is in my sense a particularly creative, meaningful one, and one I can’t recall ever seeing before. Violence is Über is ever-present, ever-extreme, and yet somehow always centred. Generally, representing violence in WW2-based work takes the form of an arbitration between frequency and impact. You either use violence to world-building purposes in order to create an ever-brutal environment, or you save it to put emphasis on a couple of significant moments. But in this debate of violence as a beat versus violence as a drop, Über never really takes position. Every other panel features someone being ripped apart, some mash of flesh on the ground, every confrontation brings its lot of snuff visuals. It should be numbing or acclimating, but we are forced to keep paying attention by the constant spot the story shines on it. Violence in Über is both the stage and the play ; even when it has relatively little effect on you – as it is my case – you are always half-forced to integrate it and half-forced to focus on it.

But even more interestingly, if everything is violence, then it means there is no background or forefront violence. A plot-wise insignificant rape of a nameless character in the first issue is depicted with the exact same crudeness as HMH Churchill’s leg ripping off during the most decisive battle of the first arc. No violent act is either meaningless or meaningful. No violent act is ever narratively highlighted, therefore no violent act is ever justified. I’ve often read that Über “doesn’t pick sides”, but it definitely does ; what it doesn’t pick is a demarcating line. Violence is the great equalizer of Über : brutality is brutality, whether it’s kicking a puppy or winning a war. This is a courageous position because it goes beyond the “all sides are bad” easy rhetoric of most Manichean WW2 narratives. The violence in Über is not a rhetorical tool, it is not up for discussion, it resists both analysis and relativizing. It is a whole that cannot be picked apart and deconstructed. This is a very punk rock use of violence in that it says almost nothing but makes it emptiness meaningful.

 [I can’t help, however, but point to the only narrative decision so far I consider unequivocally wrong : to wait until the story takes place in the US in Invasion to dedicate some consequent space and speaking time to casualties and civilians. I know where this decision comes from – render the stakes of a Nazi invasion more personal to an historically untouched America – but the fact that this is the first time this aspect of war is evoked on its own feels not only like a gross erasure of actual history, it perpetuates the long Hollywoodian tradition of only being able to care about things when they happen to good US citizen. Somehow I feel like if millions of people can march around the world in preventive solidarity with the US, any member of the presumed Anglo-Saxon readership should be able to grasp at the horror of devastated Europe and Asia without being able to spell the last name of the victims. Anyway, Über Invasion #2 is a perfect example of how a good standalone chapter can lose all of its compelling power when taken in the context of its own series. Back to the essay.]

  The Jewish Question

yup and I’m sure this header will never bring in my notifications the delightful people who frantically search it on every website

 Because violence is an equalizer in Über, it means everything that’s represented in the comics stands at the same level of horror as everything else. What this entails is that, if there is something the authors do consider reaching a superior level of horror, this superiority cannot be expressed within the pages ; there is no way to double down on ultraviolence. Therefore, the only solution to do this particular act justice is to leave it out. There are no degrees of violence, only representation or lack thereof. And this is a determining factor Über uses extensively.

Despite being described in virtually review as “uncompromising”, I find Über to be on the contrary built on compromise ; only the compromising happens before anything makes it onto the page. Because of its particular subject matter, it gives ethical significance to anything “making the cut”, which reveals a level of thoughtfulness of the creators that I wish I could see more often around difficult material.

 And maybe with no surprise, there is one thing Über is decidedly not showing. I call Über a WW2 comic, a Nazism comic, but it is not, by any means, a Holocaust comic. You could count on one hand the number of times the camps are mentioned ; we witness but two acts of antisemitism, and that’s if we include the special ; of the two featured queer characters, one is a Nazi ; there is no Rromani character ; and if not for Leah Cohen, the comic would be entirely devoid of named Jewish characters. Really, this is such a glaring hole in the comic’s narrative fabric that it cannot be something other than intentional. The comic twists into at times frankly comical contortions to avoid the subject : the Nazis are experimenting on humans, but they’re mostly non-Jewish Slavs. Bloody doctor Mengele shows up and he doesn’t do a goddamn thing.

So I think the intentionality is pretty clear here. Now I’ve said in my Tara piece that I will always respect a creator’s decision to stay away from a topic if they don’t see themselves having the legitimacy or the shoulders to handle it properly. It’s especially true when this decision was made out of respect for that topic, which I believe was the case here. I do see why one would want to avoid discussing the Holocaust in their comic about human nuclear bomb Nazis wiping off most of Europe.

 However justified – and possibly right – this choice was, it begs a different question regardless : can you make a comic about WW2, and one exploring literal Nazi doctrine at that, that mostly ignores the Holocaust ? Well obviously you can, but can you make this work meaningful while cutting out the most central and recognizable aspect of WW2 ?

Let’s say it straight up : I don’t have an answer to that. I don’t think an abstract answer can even be given here. But we can look at the answer Über gives us.

 On a pure narrative level, Über does evacuate most of the problem by situating its story after the liberation of the camps. I’d argue that given what a pressing matter the imminent discovery of the camps by the Allies was to losing Germany (google “death march” next time you feel like your life is going too well), it’s hard to conceive why Sankt didn't just take one of the battleships for a stroll to the camps and have them literally blink every evidence out of existence, but let’s accept there are in-universe reasons why the topic can be cautiously worked around.

On a conceptual level, things are more complicated. Über is a comic about WW2, but one that explicitly focuses on Nazis and Nazi ideology. It’s natural for a work about Pearl Harbour not to peep a word of the Holocaust. But when the foundation of the comic rests on Nazi soldiers and the people directly fighting them, the absence of the Holocaust aspect feels like there’s something missing. As a thought experiment, I tried to imagine if the comic would have worked if it had taken place in WWI instead. The protagonists are similar, so are, roughly, the battlefields. There is virtually no reason why WWI Germany wouldn’t work as an antagonist in a sci-fi comic. In fact I’m pretty sure there’s at least one comic out there with this scenario. And yet it feels like Über wouldn’t work at all in WWI. As a second thought experiment, I wondered if the premise would have worked if the Allies had come up with the enhanced human first and realized I’d invented Captain America.

In both instances, the transposition doesn’t work, because of one reason : Nazis. As I said earlier, there is something irreplaceable in the combination of Nazi characters and Nazi ideology-based sci-fi. Über doesn’t work as simply “a war comic in which one side gets enhancing technology” because its core relies way too much on our shared understanding and approach to Nazis. And this is where the absence of a Holocaust narrative in the plot can deprive it of meaning. Nazism is Nazism and not Any Other Nationalist ideology because of the Holocaust. The world we live in today is built on the identity between Nazism and the Holocaust. You cannot think of one without thinking of the other. So when Über rests its premise on Nazism while consciously avoiding discussing the Holocaust, it’s effectively using Nazis out of their context and into a made-up one. It borrows the cultural significance of Nazism while cutting out its signifier.

This leads to a bizarre situation in which only two of the Nazis featured in Hitler are ever seen partaking in Nazi ideology, and the people who are actually seen torturing an –  albeit willing – Jewish character are British. A situation in which the entire core of the racist Nazi ideology feels like a bygone idea destined to die with an insane Hitler to make room for tacticians and economists.

 To reiterate, I don’t know if leaving the Holocaust out was the wrong decision or not. Maybe the risk of feeling exploitative was too great and the creative team was wise to leave it out as much as possible. But as a result, it can’t help but lean a bit more on erasure. The fact is that when your mean of respecting something is to leave it out, then you won’t have the opportunity to compensate for whatever opposite content does make it in the comic. There is nothing offensive about the Holocaust in Über, but there’s nothing reverent about it either.

  Prisoners of fate

 In fact, there’s not much reverence for anything inside Über. There is respect as I’ve discussed earlier, on a structural level, determined by what makes it into the comic. But what gets to be on the page cannot expect any kind of special, tasteful treatment. I think Über readers only learned exactly what they were in for with the concurrent deaths of Hitler and Churchill. If Hitler gets regularly offed by more or less talented creators, Winston Churchill is one of the Gandalfs of WW2, an immediately reassuring presence who eases out your reading by bringing one certainty to it : no matter how bad things get, he’s not going to die. This is the most commonly adopted bias in WW2-based materials : preserving historical figures in order not to throw the audience too much off track. In Über, historical figures enjoy no such immunity. This is an extreme but equally crafty solution to the coexistence of reality-based and purely fictional characters. This is a problem with which a fair share of WW2-based works struggle. Take something like Costa-Gravas’ Amen : the superposition of real-life figure Kurt Gerstein and fictional character Riccardo Fontana doesn’t work at all, as they both serve basically the same narrative purpose and diminish each other’s impact on the story. But in Über, a character’s real-life basis always comes second to the internal logic of the story. That’s not to say there isn’t room for them in the grand scheme of things, but as more and more enhanced characters take the stage, these characters can’t help but feel more and more irrelevant. That is maybe the great paradox at the heart of Über, that it still features a division between the enhanced soldiers instead of one between them and regular humans – a transition Wicdiv underwent recently. I suspect the simplifier or this paradox lies on what Über has to say on Authority, but I’m saving that subject for a separate essay.

 But this “no character is ever safe” stance contributes to another sentiment that runs all the way through Über : implacability. This is a very fatalistic comic, probably even more than Wicdiv. This is particularly palpable in the fight scenes. Despite what the covers would have you think, battles in Über are quite short : four, five pages at best before something breaks it down. But most importantly, they are predictable. There is no last minute turnaround in Über : the second the protagonists collide, you know who’s going to fall short. The only unknown factor is just how scarring this defeat will be. Not only that, there is no narrative logic as to who’s going to emerge the winner : Allies are not due a victory because they last suffered a loss, no side can expect proportional returns to its sacrifices, no battleship is guaranteed to win out of virtue of being a charismatic character. There is only one law in Über, and that’s the Rule of war. The winning side wins because they had the superior technology, the superior information, the superior strategy. The issue of a battle is settled long before the two enhanced fighters even meet, as two groups of high-ranking officers stand above some maps. This is why the story of Über so often seems to be happening in its own background : most of the time, what we see is a consequence of the plot more than the plot itself.

The story is not completely devoid of typically Gillen-esque clever bits, like the “cloning” of Hitler and pretty much everything about Maria. But those are outstanders waiting to be integrated in the grand logic of the story, and until then, often feel out of place – Maria in particular.

 Then there is the second lens we have to see the story through, one that gives the story the full measure of its fatalistic weight : the narration. I said I wasn’t particularly touched by the art on its own ; however, the contrast between the extreme graphics and the cold, factual narration is one of the comic’s best assets. One of the issues’ back pages feature a script excerpt describing a gory mutated monster in very graphic details ; but this sort of writing never makes it into Über. The narration is abundant, but always curiously removed from the visual action, at times even clunky and annoying to read. I wasn’t sure how to make sense of it until I got to a particular description of a piece of art created by the power of the enhanced men. What was interesting is the mention that it was the “first” one, something that would be impossible to know unless you were observing the scene from a distant point in the future. The narration is dry for a reason : this is archivist talk. Whatever perspective we’re observing the story from, this is one that is way ahead of us, possessing some additional information, short on more trivial matters. Über only tricks you into thinking this is a re-actualisation of WW2 : in its own timeline, the war we’re looking at is long over. The fictional heroes, the historical figures, the technological progress, the countries, they are all trapped in their little sandbox, playing a game that only seems undecided, when in reality everything that will happen will do so to arrive at that unknown moment in the future, the vantage point from which we are watching the ants burn each other.

  How can you read Über while holding this intense feeling of vanity ? You can’t ; you have to get into the story, do what the narration cannot do, get closer to these characters, and try to understand them. But you can never fully connect with them either : you are from a different world, both outside and inside the story, a world built on the ashes of the one fuming under your eyes. A world that had to reinvent itself to make sense of the contagious barbarity born of revenge, ideology and desperation. What does the world Über is talking to us from look like ? Does is look like ours ? Is it better ? Worse ? Only one thing is certain : it, too, has suffered a scar. One that may never actually have healed. And this is why, despite the inherent limitations of its premise, despite maybe being too well-minded for its own good, despite the tragic irony of trying to one-up the Nazi threat right at the time it’s being proven the world doesn’t need any kind of incentive to fall for the exact same act a second time, I still think there’s a place for something like Über in WW2-based material. At its core, like several other works over the last year, and maybe premonitorily, Über is about what killed the world.

[wonderofwander-blog]

Two Whole Years Later...

Two whole years later. I’m sharing my story because...well the chances of anyone reading it are slim...

I am currently two years apart from my best friend. I know he’s by my side everyday but it’s not the same as being in his physical presence. Calling when I need him. Texting just because. Talking shit all day long and bullshitting because we could. It’s not the same. I miss him. My whole family misses him. 

Two years ago, this week was the WORST week of my life. I hated living in this world knowing Jessie was no longer around. I didn’t seem right, it didn’t feel right and I was just plain ol’ lost. I can remember exactly how I felt because I still feel it to this day. Trav & I loved Jessie with every beat of our hearts. It wasn’t enough for him. Everything quickly turned to slow motion. I suddenly stopped caring if people saw me crying. I didn’t feel the need or the motivation to be my best. I just existed. While everything moved around me, I was not. I was still, watching and waiting for this to be a joke. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t a joke. He was, in fact, gone gone. For good. I was crushed. 

Imagine sitting in a room full of glass windows... You can see and hear everything around you. Nothing stopped. Nothing waited for you to heal. I couldn’t come to terms and I couldn’t get a grip. I was an empty shell of a person. A big part of me died when Jessie died. A big part of me left... for good. There is nothing in this world that could prepare me for this moment. I’m sitting here trying to gather words to explain how I felt but there aren’t any words big enough or great enough to describe my loss. 

But I’m just here writing to express the flashbacks of this week -- two years ago. I found out Jessie had passed away in a weird way. His mom posted a status on Facebook but I was at work. I tried to call Jessie the day he passed away but his phone was off. Uncommon, but not uncommon at the same time. I didn’t think anything of it because I knew he was out the night before so I just shot him a text. Probably a stupid text because we were always bickering at each other to stop being potatoes and get up for the day. So I went to work. Around 2:30 my friend Lanie texted me & was like Jessie died?!?!??! & I was like yeah, girl! Like a week ago. It was horrible. Jenny is out of work for some time. You didn’t hear?? (Someone who used to work with us, named Jessie, had passed away about a week or two prior) and this is where she kicked me right in the gut... She said “No, Jessie Jessie... like your Jessie...��� & I was like “...Nooo????? What are you talking about!! He is fine???” *Cue bone chilling screenshot* Yes, she sends me a screenshot of the post his mom made. Mind you, I am a service manager at the time and I’m about 30 minutes into my shift. I literally stopped breathing. I was shaking and I was scared but I had to see it for myself. So I went to Facebook and there it was. My worst nightmare. So I ran. Don’t know why, but I ran. For a long time, I ran. I was running up Fairbanks like a lost dog. I knew I couldn’t run away from work without explanation so I ran back. I crumbled behind a dumpster and just cried. I called my mom and I told her what I saw. She didn’t believe me either so she had to look for herself, too. There was silence on the phone for a minute or so. I knew she was reading. She just said “Melani, you need to leave work now. Do not get in your car, do not leave. I am sending your brother to get you.” I said okay and got off the phone. I just sat there behind that dumpster like a pile of bones. Other managers came to check on me. At that point, I was in shock. I could barely speak. The GM came out and told me to grab my belongings and take the day for myself. I took his advice. I sat back there until my brother got there. I went inside and grabbed my stuff and left without speaking a word. I got in the truck, which was a quiet ride. My brother could only utter the words “I’m sorry, Mel. Are you okay?” All I could say is “Why?” Why me, why him, why this? WHY? 

I made it home. All my friends, hearing the news started calling and texting. I got a lot of those “I’m sorry for your loss” texts and “When I heard the news you were the first person that came to mind and I wanted to check on you” texts. All of them were meaningful, but empty at the same time because I knew they didn’t get it. 

So I dragged myself around for a few days. The tears never stopped. Everything made me cry. Nothing made me cry. It was all I could do to express myself. Eventually, the CEO and his business partner came into work and sat down with me. They expressed their condolences. They knew Jessie pretty well and they knew how close we were. Jeff sat with me for almost 30 minutes just looking at me while I stared at the floor. A puddle of tears beneath me and he finally spoke up. With tears in his eyes he talked to me about how he also lost someone. And a lot of times he did this same thing. He just cried. There are no words or thoughts that can get you through it. Nothing is enough. His conversation was sort of empowering because he never cried. He was the tough guy. He was the one to kick you in the ass when you needed it and kinda maybe sort of tell you that you were doing a good job when you were. I respected him. I still do. He let me cry. He didn’t ask if I was okay. He didn’t hug me and tell me he was there for me. He just let me be and I really needed that. It got me through my day. He hugged me before he left and told me to call him if I needed him but it wasn’t and I’m sorry hug. It was a “I’m genuinely here for you when you need it” hug. He stayed out of my way after that and let me grieve. He was exactly what I needed at that moment. 

I eventually gathered myself enough to reach out to Jessie’s mom. Jessie was her only child. He was her everything. She was HIS everything. He told us that everyday. I met her a few times before this and she was an awesome person. The kind of mom I want to be. She loved and she loved well but she had rules. Easy to abide by rules. Her door was always open and she never had a problem with us overtaking her couches and blankets to watch Rick and Morty in her living room. She was just such a gentle and caring human being and it was easy to be comfortable around her. She even met Rohan once when he was a tiny tiny little baby. She told me what happened to Jessie when he passed away and URGED me not to watch the news or read the articles. She was having nightmares. I did it anyways. Sorry. The reports were horrible. Headlines read “Possible Overdose At WaWa With One Alive In The Car”. News broadcasting videos of them shooting the one living person passed out on the sidewalk, and his car... covered in plastic. Police and Ambulance everywhere. Not something you’d ever dream of seeing. And the comments. Oh my god, the comments people were making. As if this wasn’t someone’s child or family. It was sick. But I couldn’t stop. I had to know this was real. I talked to his mom about services and such because I had to say goodbye. He was not leaving this earth without me, selfishly, saying goodbye. She respectfully opted out of services. I thought that was a good call and I think it was Jessie’s style. His family wasn’t here and he didn’t have many people around him. He didn’t live here for very long. I asked her if I could do a memorial for him and his friends. She said that Jessie would love that. And he did. I expected maybe 15 people to show up... over 50 people showed up in Jessie’s honor and we listened to the stupid music we listened to in the car everyday. I was so taken away by the fact that Jessie touched this many people. We had drinks, we played games, and we laughed.... and we cried. A lot. At the end, we all released balloons and lanterns for Jessie. His mom made a HUGE bouquet of balloons and even tied his name, letter by letter, to the strings. It was perfect. I can remember exactly how that bouquet of balloons drifted off into the sky. It was slow to rise but once it did, it flew away in the most perfect way. I loved it. 

After that day of saying goodbye to my best friend, it wasn’t over for me. I worked late nights as a manager. Often, I would come home to Travis and Jessie on the couch hanging out. Every time, he would say “Hey Mel, how was work?”.  When I started coming home and the house was empty, I started hearing his voice like he was right there. It almost haunted me, in a way, but I would reply anyways. I started calling my mom every night when I got close to home just so I couldn’t hear it. I still did but I didn’t answer because I didn’t want my mom to think I was crazy. I probably was crazy at that time. Eventually, she said “Mel, why do you call me at the same time every night? Are you scared to go home alone?” So I told her the truth. I told her I was hearing Jessie every day and it wasn’t in my head. It was audible. So audible, I could respond. So yes, I was scared. She told me to tell him to stop for a while so I could grieve. I took her advice and never heard his voice again. There are times I regret that so much and there are times I don’t. Now he is invading my dreams. I like that because it’s refreshing to know he’s still around after all this time. I need him sometimes to just be in my dreams. The only thing is, I can never hear his voice. I see him clearly. I see he is talking and I kind of know what he is trying to say, but I can’t hear his voice. I am grateful he is there either way. 

I got pregnant again shortly after he passed away. I named my daughter after her Uncle Jessie because he will ALWAYS be a part of me and my kids will ALWAYS know who their Uncle Jessie is to their Mom and Dad. Rohan had the pleasure of meeting him, but will never remember. It’s okay, though, because they will know him so well as they grow. I will always keep his memory alive and when I get to a place where I just really need a friend, I just call out to him. And he meets me in my dreams. Call me crazy, I don’t care. I will ALWAYS have a friend in Jessie. Present or not. And he will always have a friend in me.