#19AUG2024

[tinlizziedlinwa]

Don't read this.

I'm sooo damned tired on so many levels

My back is freaking killing me. I can't walk upright, it hurts like hell to stand up from my chair, and I probably couldn't get up at all if it didn't have good armrests I can push off against.

My neck is giving me stabbing "twinges" if I move my head too fast or too much.

Mental health has been in decline for years, and the last 6 or 8 months it's accelerated. I've been a chronic depressive for most of my life, with constant negative thoughts and a steady background of passive suicidal ideation. My baseline has usually been hoping that I'll go to sleep and never wake up again.

Well, that "baseline" is creeping a bit. Now I find myself wondering more and more about ways to end myself that won't make too much mess for others to clean up. I've always had self-destructive tendancies, and self-harm is commonplace. These last few months I've been smoking like a freaking chimney and my diet has gone to shit. Given my past cardiac history, I'm headed for another heart-attack. Of course I can't predict when it'll happen... it's kinda like I've put myself in Schroedinger's Cat's place. When the waveform finally collapses, I'm not calling 911. If that takes too long, there are options.

Does this mean I'm a selfish asshole? Possibly. Part of me doesn't care for that, but as a defense-mechanism on the survivor's behalf, I can't really blame them, either.

I could spend a million words blaming everyone else for all my problems... A part of me really does want to point fingers... But what purpose does that serve? That particular instinct of mine will only spread even more pain and won't benefit anyone.

My employment has most likely ended by now (I've not spoken with anyone at work in over a month), I've not made a mortgage payment since April, my bank accounts are empty. Soon, my time here will end and after a brief time closing down this "estate," nobody will have to think of me again. This existence will disappear.

So many times I've been made to feel like I'm a blight that others are forced to deal with. They'll breathe easier once I'm not taking their oxygen anymore.

I'm too damned introverted, with too many autistic traits (no, I've not been formally diagnosed) to ever "fit in." So many times my perspective on things is unwelcome. People have the reality they seem to desperately want to live in, and then I'd come around and wind up poking holes in their ideas and beliefs. My choices then get reduced to having to lie to myself, to lie to other people, to sacrifice my honor and integrity, and sit there quietly while molehills get piled up into mountains and shit burns all around. Things that should be at most a singular tempest in a teacup get turned into raging shitstorms for no good reason, while important long-term issues are swept under the rug. Consequences and spill-over effects completely ignored until they flare up and bite everyone on the ass.

I'm tired of the hypocrisy that seems inherent in human nature. People who can't even see that they're lying to themselves... I truly don't understand how they do it. But it's fucking everywhere.

If that's what "normal" is... no, thank you. I'm too tired to play those games. I've been browbeat too many times when I've spoken my mind.

This will be over soon.

[kinetickwame]

im me.

19AUG2024

[04pudcviews]

19. Petals Unique Day Care & i3Qube: Raksha Bandhan 19Aug2024

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Contact: 84317 71470 / 98866 43033

[kinetickwame]

19AUG2024

just loving my hair growth.

[04pudcviews]

19. Petals Unique Day Care & i3Qube: World Humanitarian 19Aug2024

www.petalsdaycare.co.in

Contact: 84317 71470 / 98866 43033

[04pudcviews]

19. Petals Unique Day Care & i3Qube: World Photography 19Aug2024

www.petalsdaycare.co.in

Contact: 84317 71470 / 98866 43033