first-time-mom-and-college

[first-time-mom-and-college]

Overwhelmed and Annoyed

So, update on everything. I am jumping through a ton of hoops to try and fix my residency at my school. I have to get a new license and have to jump through multiple different hoops for that. I am trying to get a job to help cover our expenses. Our son is probably going to start daycare in the next couple of weeks, and honestly, I’m not sure I am ready. Finally, i learned tonight that my boyfriend and his parents were keeping something from me regarding our son. 

The hoops for school residency are tied to me having a license from a different state. To remedy that, I am trying to get a license in this state. Because I have a foreign birth certificate, I am having to jump through hoops that may result in me having to prove that I am a citizen. With the way the country is going, I am a little worried about not having technical citizen papers will cause me to be deported to a country that I haven’t been too since I was adopted. But all of this is what is overwhelming me, and I don’t really know where to begin this process. 

However, when it comes to the new obstacles or challenges that comes with being a first time mom, I feel very sad and annoyed. I’m sad because even though there are rough days with my son [like today], I still am not ready to not get to spend so much time with him. I mean, he is just about three months old, and even though I don’t start school for another month, I have to put him daycare as soon as possible to secure his spot. Those are days that I could be savoring that I’m giving up to insure that he will have a spot in daycare when I really need it. 

I am very annoyed and hurt by my boyfriend and his parents right now. He told me tonight that his parents have given my son some mashed potatoes when they were watching him. They had asked my boyfriend not to tell me because they were worried that I was going to freak out. However, right now, I’m just upset. 

I don’t understand how they can justify keeping something like that from me. There are just so many reasons why this is disrespectful to me.

First, I had told them specifically that I didn’t want to introduce real foods until he was a little older [even if my son is built like he is closer to 4 months old]. 

Secondly, they went against how I was choosing to raise my son.

Third, they didn’t tell me about it when they did this.

Finally, they asked their son to keep this from me, and he did for the last few weeks.

How could they do this to me? They have known me for years, and if they knew me as well as I thought they did, they would have known that hiding it from me does far more damage than just being honest with me.

I just feel like I was robbed of seeing my baby experience his first food. I know it wasn’t a lot, but it is one of those things that I was looking forward too. I also feel like they disrespected me, and didn’t take me seriously as my role as my son’s mother.

I understand that they have raised children before, and that giving my son a taste of solid foods probably wouldn’t hurt him. But, I am a first time mom. I should be able to try things myself and try to learn for myself before someone tries to fix it for me. I know how to ask for help when I have tried everything else, or simply don’t have any idea. But this small decision has really affected how I see them and our relationship. 

I have tried my best to not be the helicopter parent, and, honestly, my boyfriend can be worse than I am. Out of all the grandparents in my son’s life, they are the ones I trust the most with him. 

Now, I don’t feel like I can trust them in the same way. I wonder if they would tell me if they gave him anything else, like medicine. I feel like they are going to judge me on any other decisions, and if it is something they deem unnecessary and excessive, are they going to follow through with it? My boyfriend and I use an app that tracks our sons feedings, diaper changes, and naps throughout the day. It helps me know when something is off, but I haven never asked them to do the same thing. Especially since they found out we did that and laughed at us. 

These are the same parents that always joke that they can’t wait to give our child ice cream and hype him up and send him home to us. They complained when their parents did that with their son, so they are going to do the same thing with our son as payback. I think it’s twisted. I don’t understand why they don’t consider just giving us the respect they didn’t receive from their parents and break this endless cycle of payback for spoiling the grandkids. 

[first-time-mom-and-college]

First Family Trip

So, for the recent holiday, the three of us took our first trip out of the state to go to my mom’s house. I was more than a little nervous taking our little family on a (typically) four hour drive with a car filled with all the necessary baby things [including his favorite chair]. At first, it went smoothly. Baby slept a full hour until I had to stop to use the restroom myself. From the state line to the first rest stop in the new state, we had stopped three time, adding about half an hour to our trip. The whole trip about six hours.

When we finally got there, my brother wanted us to go out, and my mom and step-dad wanted to babysit. So, I thought, Okay. Why not? 

My boyfriend, my brother, and myself went to local adult arcade and played games, got a few drinks from the bar, and had a couple of rounds of bowling.

It was a lot of fun but at the end of the night, I missed my baby. So, we went home. 

The next night. my mom suggested that my boyfriend and I to go see some firework shows nearby, and she could babysit. Although we weren’t planning on going out, I went along with it just because it would work. 

The next [and final] night, we were just hanging around, and my mother suggested that we go out for dinner. Take some time. I really didn’t want to, and I didn’t think that we could afford it. Nevertheless, we went out and came back home after eating. Only out a couple of hours. 

My main point throughout this trip that bothered me was how my mom kept pushing my boyfriend and I to go out so that she could watch our son. I understand to a point about how she doesn’t get the chance to see him as often as she would like because she lives so far away. Overall, I just wish that we had taken the time for the three of us to go out. Walk along the beach [even though the water was off limits due to a toxic algae bloom]. 

I was so looking forward to taking my son and sitting on the edge of the waves lapping at the sand. Him feeling the water for the first time. I’m not sure that he would like it, but it would have been a first. I’m looking forward to it later I guess. 

[first-time-mom-and-college]

My little boy is now 8 weeks old and doesn’t act like it one bit. He is showing signs of teething already. He wears a size 2 diaper. He is moving out of a 3 month onesie and into a 6 month onesie. He has been able to hold his head up since the day he was born, and now, he enjoys looking at someone and just staring at them. 

I now can understand how parents gush about their children and rave about their intelligence even if it isn’t always easy to see or prove. I just know that my son amazes me every day.

Everyday, one of my favorite activities is just sitting him up so he can look at me and him just smiling the huge grin that is slightly lopsided. After that, he will just laugh at me. And the whole interaction makes my day. It may only last a few minutes, but it seems to last forever. It is just so much fun. 

I am about to travel with him for the first time to my mom’s house, and I am a little nervous about it. This child loves his normality. Same bed, same routine. If something changes, it can throw off his whole day. I have been trying to see if he will sleep in his pack-and-play, but right now, he doesn’t want anything to do with it. The minute he is put down in it, he wakes up and starts crying. I don’t know how we are going to have him sleep during this trip. 

But, I know that my mom wants to see him, and if I don’t do it before I go back to school, we won’t be able to make it down that way for quite a while with my boyfriend starting a new job soon.

That reminds me, in the midst of getting ready for school again and taking care of our son, my boyfriend also got a job that is requiring us to relocate, at least somewhat closer to his job than we are now. [ Think one hour commute one way versus a two hour commute one way.] 

House hunting is so stressful!! 

Especially since both of us have poor to zero credit. [Seriously, my boyfriend tried to look up his credit score and they couldn’t verify his identity.] With that, and the fact that on paper, I have a shitty tenant reputation [very long story for another time], we are having a difficult time trying to find a house or apartment with the following criteria: 

At least 2 bedrooms

More that 1 bathroom [even if it is just 1 and a half bath]

Cat-friendly

Low crime area [don’t want to be scared to be at home]

Within our budget 

Seems like it would be simple enough but alas, it is not.

Overall though, I’m not as worried as I could be. This post was more to vent. Thanks to anyone who reads this. 

[first-time-mom-and-college]

One crisis averted

Apparently, I just was reacting too quickly about school. I found a way to check my residency, and I am still an in-state  resident. Thank god. I am just so glad that I don’t have to worry about school half as much as I thought I did.

Although if anyone has any tips on picking out a daycare, feel free to let me know because I feel totally lost. Also... does anyone know where I could sell a kidney to help pay for it? 

[first-time-mom-and-college]

Next obstacle...

So, now that I am about to go to school and since I had to reapply, I have been reclassified as an out-of -state student, and I now don’t have enough financial aid to cover my next year by a long shot. I’m hoping that I can find some way to get reclassified as an in-state student without the help of my parents. I mean... I have lived and worked in the state for four years now. The only reason I think I got reclassified is because I was too lazy or worried about renewing my license in a new state. 

With moving around so much in the last year, I don’t think that I am going to be able to really prove that I was a resident in the state through a utility bill. I know that I need to just go talk to the office face to face, but that is difficult when you also have a newborn. 

I just need to see if there is anyway for me to prove that I am a resident. Pay stubs? Doctor’s bills? 

I mean, if I have to prove that I was in the state for reasons other than education, shouldn’t a pregnancy do that? Domestically living with my boyfriend? If I can’t get changed over to an in-state student, I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. This on top of everything else just seems to be too much. 

[first-time-mom-and-college]

Already feel like a failure...

Today, my boyfriend and I went looking at day-cares for our relocation in mid-July. After hearing that it basically costs the same as college if I don’t want my child to be forced into a religion that neither I nor his father believe in, I feel like I have made a huge mistake trying to go back to school so soon. 

If I hadn’t reapplied for school before we had made a decision regarding my boyfriend’s career options, we wouldn’t be facing paying the same amount of money for rent as we would for day-care. [Seriously... the cost for day-care in the area that his job is located is around $1200 a month.] It wouldn’t cost nearly that much for me to just stay at home with my son and just start paying on my own student loans and just going back to school when he is older. 

I feel like I made a huge mistake... I mean, now that I am registered for classes, I am financially responsible to pay 70% of the costs at university, whether I actually attend or not. Which means I can’t just back out of it now. 

He and his mom are both talking about him backing out of this job offer. But I’m not sure that his other offer is any better. Running those numbers in a different area also seems to make my decision to go back to school as stupid decision.

And if I’m being honest... I think I just made myself go back to school because I felt like everyone was just expecting me to drop my own goals and move wherever my boyfriend went and take care of our son because that’s what I’m supposed to do. I feel like a shitty mom because I know that I couldn’t handle being a stay-at-home mom. I’m doing it now, and I already feel myself being on edge. However, it’s not because I love him. If anything, I love him to pieces. I just know that I love him so much that I would lose myself in him. 

Long term, that wouldn’t be healthy. 

Long story short... I am worried about living the next year stressing so much about money that I can’t enjoy being with my son or look forward to the future. I know that stressing over money for me just seems to make my world feel so small and suffocating and I’m not ready for that to happen again.

[first-time-mom-and-college]

Introduction

As of today, I have decided to start a blog to be my place to vent about being a new mom and making the decision to go back to school when I am halfway through my degree.

A little about me: I am 22 years old, and my son was born on 5/3/2019. I carried him until the 40 week and 4 day mark (so a little overdue), and he was an overachiever in his weight and height. He arrived weighing 11 lbs. and measured 22.5 in. That is a huge baby. 

I didn’t have any complications with the pregnancy, other than being extremely uncomfortable for the last 2 or 3 months. 

I was taking some time off of school when I became pregnant. It was not planned, but I knew that I couldn’t go through with any other option besides keeping him myself. He is absolutely the love of my life, along with his father.

Anyway, after a lot of thought, I have started the progress of re-enrolling at my university, and I am nervous about not being at home with him all the time (especially since he is going to be so young). 

There’s worries about putting him in daycare and trying to balance school with taking care of him at night as well as trying not to spread myself so thin that I bomb this semester like I did a couple of years earlier. 

This past year, I mainly worked while taking care of myself through the pregnancy. It wasn’t the relaxing year off I had hoped. I didn’t travel by myself or save a ton of money. If anything, I feel less like I belong on a college campus than I did before. Maybe I’ll figure this out. Anyway.... this is a very brief introduction.