#129. ❝pull the wool out from your eyes.❞ — V1 ( hsr )

[decoysouled]

asoiaf: a dance with dragons starters // accepting. @astrcls // ❝ if this is the price for peace, i pay it willingly. ❞ [ from dan heng, for caelus ! ]

WITH THE WAY DAN HENG SAYS IT, an onlooker might have thought Caelus had requested for Dan Heng to surrender himself to the Cloud Knights & confess any crime he had ever committed ( if any were to exist ) rather than to accompany him throughout the Xianzhou Luofu as he searched for whatever books had been left out in the open, just waiting for someone to snatch them up & read them — however, it seemed that Dan Heng was not all too pleased with such a plan.

Caelus isn't so foolish as to believe he didn't have ulterior motives in agreeing, namely the fact he had promised that he wouldn't rifle through a single trash can ( if there even were any on the ship ) during his pursuit of knowledge so long as Dan Heng went with him. While he had meant it more as a way to reassure him that he'd stick to investigating packages & furniture, it seems his companion might have taken it as a threat.

( if you don't come with me, i'll go through every trash can on the luofu must be what the other had heard. they try to contain their laughter at the thought. )

❝Don't be like that, Dan Heng.❞ Caelus speaks & one might have thought him upset if not for the laughter in his voice, despite his determination to feign offense at the statement. He moves an arm around Dan Heng's shoulders, as if offer him some semblance of comfort, for a moment & squeezes before he lets go, arm falling back to his side. ❝My company isn't that bad. You know you want to join me, so no need to be so dramatic.❞

Caelus isn't sure he'll ever get tired of teasing Dan Heng like this — he doesn't want to stop, either. While he's sure the other truly was after a peaceful day, there will be plenty of moments of downtime when they were back at the express. For now, there's no need to give up their typical back & forth. ❝Who else will keep me out of trouble, after all? Definitely not March.❞ & truth be told, he's a little worried that Mr Yang would simply scold him if he asked for his company instead.

[decoysouled]

unprompted asks // always accepting // @astrcls. the sun hangs low in the sky, painting the horizon in all hues of pinks and purples and oranges. dan heng sits on the banks of the ancient sea, knees pulled up to his chest, the look in his eyes faraway. every now and again he reaches out and dips his fingers into the seafoam, seemingly lost in thought. ( one day, when he's at the end of his time, he is going to come back here and step into these familiar waters. he is going to sink into them and go to sleep, and when he wakes he'll be someone else but yet still himself --- and he might not remember all of this. he might remember only echoes, faint memories of places and things and people, that will tug at his reincarnation's heartstrings and yet still be unable to be placed. a senseless samsara, a neverending cycle of karmic debt. it's all so unfair. dan heng rubs at his eyes, furious at himself for being so worked up over it. the others want to go explore, now that the worst of the threat is over, and yet here he is --- ) --- it's not until he feels a familiar presence at his side that he slowly emerges from his reverie, fixing jade-green eyes --- deep like endless pools, tinged with a certain sort of sorrow --- on caelus. "do you think," he starts, swallowing thickly around the lump in his throat that refuses to quit, "that you ... are going to ... live a long time ?" ( --- like me ? )

A LONG LIFE WAS NEITHER A BLESSING NOR A CURSE — despite his lack of knowledge on the nature of it ( all the ways a person can be made to live beyond what should be considered natural ) Caelus has seen far too many times, in such a short period, what immortality can do to a person. A life that is far too long was not unkind, but that did not make it appear any less cruel.

He does not want to live like the people he has met, who wish for better times to last forever or who do not seem to recall them at all. He wants to live like his loved ones, who are undeniably mortal, yet treat the universe as if it is a gift — Caelus is uncertain, in the end, of whether he would be loved the same by someone with a long life.

Dan Heng has always been the exception to that rule.

& he can see the way a long life is a person's downfall. He can see a longing for days gone that can never return in Jing Yuan's words & a deep mourning for people who stand before him, not the same as they once were. He can see the rage in Blade's eyes before they settle into something far more troubled, especially when he was roped into helping Kafka during an ordeal that lead to far more questions than it did answers.

& he can see it in Dan Heng — in the way he wars with a past he does not wish to claim, for it is not necessarily his & yet it is in all the ways that matter. He sees it in the nightmares that haunt him, in the figures that do so as well. He sees it in the questions he asks, even now, in which he seeks answers that Caelus does not have to give & comfort that he is not skilled enough at to offer.

He sees it in the way that his companion returns to the shores of Scalegorge Waterscape, to a past that is not quite his own, & grieves for something beyond Caelus' own understanding.

He cannot answer in any way that matters, in any way that will bring Dan Heng comfort, other than the way he does now: kneeling to sit by his side, head resting on the other's shoulder, with arms wrapped around his chest as if to keep him close, hidden apologies written into the ways that Caelus has learned to be gentle as if it is an art rather than something that should have been innate.

For a moment, Caelus wonders when everything will come naturally to him rather than being a skill that must be learned. He wonders if it would if he were to live a long life, if he were to learn enough that everything became second nature rather than a struggle between what he knows should be right & what he isn't certain ever has been.

Sometimes, he is almost glad that his two closest companions do not recall pasts that aren't theirs, too. Sometimes, he feels guilty for that. Sometimes, Caelus wonders if his past is worth remembering or if his memories being taken away is a punishment for something. He wonders, in the end, whether Kafka would tell him if he were to ask.

He wonders if it would be worth it to know.

❝I don't know.❞ Caelus says eventually, his voice far too level & filled with a feigned peace he has perfected, the sort that one may hear on a night during which he cannot sleep because his dreams have never been kind. When trailblazing, they have become memories of distant pasts that do not belong to him. Otherwise, they are the manifestation of fears he did not realise he even had, drowning him beneath waves or sorrow, choking him like a noose.

Some nights, he dreams that the stellaron within him is out of control & everything he touches turns to ashes, almost as if it never existed at all. Those nights, he awakes slowly, the world around him feeling as if it is not quite real, his emotions feeling as if they are not quite his own. Those nights, he lays alone, gazing at the ceiling, & wonders if he will one day become the monster that he dreams of being.

Some nights, he dreams that his friends are dead & he remains alone, or that none of them existed at all. He dreams of a reality in which he did not join them, in which each & every one of them met fated deaths at the hands of aeons, regardless of their success in their goals. Those nights, Caelus awakes with tears in his eyes & the urge to cry. Those nights, he rises from his bed & wanders the express, wishing to check on the others but never daring to do so.

Those nights, he is afraid that he will be the one to kill them. That he will be the one to turn the express into a relic of an ancient past, into halls of ruins that no one would ever see again.

Some nights, Caelus dreams that he is someone else — that he has lived a different life as a different person, that he himself did not exist any longer. Those nights, when he wakes up, he sits & writes in a journal that would never see the light of day, that would never meet the gaze of another soul, & he writes until he has convinced himself that he is still Caelus, that he is still a trailblazer.

( those nights, they wonder if the person they claim to be exists at all, or if they are simply a puppet created to be controlled by the scripts the stellaron hunters claim are written in the stars. )

❝I don't think I would want that, even if I had the option.❞ Caelus says, albeit it lacks conviction, for he knows that a long life may not be worth the end results, but he knows that a short life is not what he wishes for either. There is a beauty in the way life can be fleeting, in the way nothing remains the same forever, but there is also a dread in never knowing when one's last day will be.

To live a short life means never achieving everything he wishes he could & dying with regrets, regardless of what choices he makes & what the ending of his story is. To live a short life would mean leaving behind those he loves, forcing each of them to say farewell to someone who will be dead for longer than he was known by them — it would be immensely unfair of him, he knows, to expect otherwise.

Some nights, he hopes that he will be the one to say goodbye to everyone he has ever loved, to immortalise them in memory like a tapestry of everything they have ever taught him. Some nights, he wonders if he could handle the grief that would come with it, but he knows that should the day come, he must learn to live with it.

He is tired of learning to live with things that are out of his control.

Caelus is afraid, he finds, of a life cut far too short — of not having spent enough time with friends & loved ones, of not having the ability to say farewell before death's jaws snap him up & devour everything he ever was. He does not want a life filled with uncertainty of how long it will last. He does not want a life so short that those he loves do not truly feel loved, for what point is there in adoration from someone whose life had only just begun?

❝The idea of a life that's too long scares me.❞ He finally confesses, although these are the words that will only ever be said to Dan Heng, for there is no one else that he treasures enough to truly bare his soul to — if only because he does not wish to burden March & Himeko & Mr Yang, for they have so much else to focus on that Caelus should not be a priority.

Perhaps it is selfish to demand that Dan Heng treats him as one, but he has always been an exception to the way Caelus tries not to intrude on other people's lives, regardless of what the end result is.

❝I think... It's because I don't know how long the stellaron will keep me alive for.❞ Or whether it will kill me altogether. & he tries his best not to let his voice tremble in the same ways as his hands seem to. & he tries his best to hide the tears that threaten to form in his eyes by hiding his face in the crook of Dan Heng's neck, albeit it is more of an attempt to seek whatever form of comfort the other would allow him to.

Dan Heng tends to let him get away with far too much, these days. Caelus can never ignore the way it warms his heart, differently to the feeling of the stellaron in his chest.

❝I don't want to live for a long time & lose everyone. I don't want to- forget myself & everything I love now.❞ I don't want to forget you goes unspoken, & Caelus wonders if Dan Heng understands the words that hang in the air between them, remaining forever unsaid. ❝I don't want to mourn the life I have now.❞ Even if it may be inevitable. Even if it may not be at all.

❝But I also don't want a short life.❞ & perhaps it is this that does not make sense: that he wishes to live a long life, but not so long it is noticed. That he does not wish to live a short life nor to live longer than he must. The two, he knows, make little sense & are ideas that are juxtaposed, but they are his feelings all the same. Conflicted, but his nonetheless.

❝I don't want to burn from the inside out.❞ Like the stellaron threatened to once, back when they had all first met & he tried to protect March only to become more of a threat than the beast they were fighting. ❝I don't want to live a life so short that I don't have enough time with the others. With you.❞ He does not want to live a life filled with regrets only to never have time to regret them.

❝A long life... A short life... I don't want either of those.❞ He murmurs, as if he has come to some sort of epiphany, as if he understands the secrets of a universe that remains unknown to him. ❝I want my life. To spend the time I want to with the people I love.❞ I wish to spend it all at your side, he doesn't say. He thinks, for a moment, that perhaps he does not need to.

❝I want a life that is long enough that you're content & don't need to mourn me, but I don't want to live so long that I forget myself. Do you think that's fair, Dan Heng?❞ He asks, softly, as if his words have been any comfort throughout the moments he has spent ruminating on the future. ❝I want to die when I've lived enough & when I'm still myself.❞

( but i know it will not be my choice. )

[decoysouled]

smash or pass // accepting. anonymous // For Caelus, smash or pass: Dan Heng, March, Jing Yuan. Bonus points: rank in order of "smashability" or lack thereof

IT'S A DIFFICULT QUESTION TO ANSWER — for the most part, he has put little thought into such a thing when it comes to the many people he has met, far more occupied with investigating trash cans & solving puzzles ( the hexa... whatever those were a prime example of something that consumed far more of their time than they had liked ) to really focus on his emotions. He does, at least, have an idea of his own answers.

❝I would rank Dan Heng first.❞ Caelus proclaims after several minutes of silence, having been lost in his thoughts — more accurately, half of that was spent daydreaming rather than coming to a conclusive answer. ❝Definitely a smash — I would kiss him if he let me, several times over.❞ Given the chance, he might even ask the man out on a date. How scandalous.

❝March would be second. She's really pretty & she's a good friend that I spend a lot of time with. While I can't say it's something I'd approach her over, or even ask if I could, if she wanted to kiss me, I wouldn't really say no.❞ At the very least, he admits he's rather curious as to what it would be like — nor can he deny that she is, indeed, rather attractive, both in looks & personality.

❝I'd have to place Jing Yuan last. I don't really know him all too well, even if I could agree that he's nice to look at.❞ But there is no true substance there for him to desire to act on any form of attraction. Besides, something tells him that Jing Yuan is a little more caught up with his past than the present when it comes to the people around him, most days. ❝But that doesn't mean I'm not curious.❞

[decoysouled]

pull my muse into a sudden hug // accepting. @astrcls // 💗 [ for caelus, from dh ! ]

IN THE HOURS FOLLOWING THE FIGHT, Caelus had grown accustomed to the odd feeling in his chest — the dull ache of pain, a wound that had healed almost as quickly as it had appeared. He doubts he'll forget that moment anytime soon ( the coldness in their chest, the feeling of falling falling falling. ) & that itself is likely why he finds himself still awake, wandering the halls of the Goethe Hotel as if to search for something to occupy his time, whether it be a book or some odd secret like the many others hidden within Belobog.

( a land of fragmentum, where even the most real things could be ghosts. )

Of course, he should have figured that his pacing would eventually wake someone up, but the creak of a door opening startles him nonetheless. Caelus turns toward the noise, eyes narrowed as if he were expecting a hotel devil ( although, maybe that would only happen when they hid in closets? they aren't sure ) or a phantom, a memory of the past, to appear — he is both relieved & disappointed upon the realisation it's only Dan Heng. After all, he had been sure that it was something else creeping through the halls.

He can't always be right, Caelus concedes, but a distraction would be far nicer than the company of a friend right now.

❝Sorry.❞ Caelus speaks, voice a hushed whisper if only to avoid waking March up, too, as he lifts a hand to the back of his neck, scratching at it lightly. ❝I didn't mean to wake you up. I couldn't sleep, so I was trying to distract myself... And you know me, I'm always-❞ He finds himself falling silent before he can even finish the sentence, all too aware of the way Dan Heng has moved closer during his apologetic rambles, his arms wrapped around Caelus as if afraid he might disappear if Dan Heng were to let go of him.

( perhaps they might. perhaps they, too, have become one of belobog's ghosts. after all, they had died, hadn't they? for just a moment, but that was death nonetheless, so maybe... they really have become a ghost. )

Rather than making any protest, ( not that they want to ) Caelus elects to return the hug with his own, looser grip — perhaps this is Dan Heng's way of reassuring himself that he is still here, alive & well ( or so they hope ) or some odd dream, the final vision of a dying mind. Then again, he's sure if this were a dream, it would make far less sense than this does & provided far less comfort than it, too. Maybe he should wait until morning to gather his own thoughts, to feel his pulse beneath his skin as a reminder that he is alive.

( that they are okay. that everything else is okay. )

❝I'm alright.❞ Caelus mumbles a few minutes later, as if it has just now occurred to him that Dan Heng could do with such confirmation — it isn't necessarily a lie, albeit it isn't the truth, but how is he to describe the pulsating pain in his chest & the icy feeling that refuses to dissipate? It would serve no point other than to cause further worry & Caelus has caused enough distress for his companions as of late, with both this & his other antics.

( the trash had valuable knowledge in, at least, although they weren't blind to the disgust of their companions at their actions. )

❝You're here with me, after all, so how could I be anything other than okay, oh mighty Cold Dragon Young?❞ The words are accompanied by a slight laugh, as if Caelus had come up with a joke that he found all too amusing. He's not so sure it would lighten Dan Heng's mood, but it's worth a try & even if he doesn't succeed, at least he didn't leave the other to stew in his emotions.

( what kind of friend would allow that? )

❝I'm here, too. With you. I'm okay, Dan Heng, so try not to worry yourself too much. I don't want to be responsible for those grey hairs of yours.❞ His lips are curled into a smile, one that is no longer uneasy, but filled with sparks of joy. ❝I'm sorry to have woken you & to have worried you, but I'm alive. I'm okay. I promise.❞ & maybe, soon enough, those words would be true.

( maybe they already were. )

[decoysouled]

transferred from archived blog & lost meme // not accepting. @astrcls // [ FOREHEAD ]:  placing a hand on the back of the receiver’s neck, the sender guides them close and rests their foreheads together. [ for caelus, from dan heng ! ;~; ]

OF ALL THINGS THAT ARE FOREIGN TO CAELUS, perhaps he is lucky that affection is not one of them — it is something offered freely by those around him, whether in the way of grabbing his wrist to deter him from rifling through investigating trash cans or the verbal acknowledgement of care that is often given to him. There has been no shortage of care offered by the members of the express, albeit it is not necessarily the offering of affection that is unusual in this moment.

It is who it comes from. The usual exchange with Dan Heng has been on Caelus' terms in the form of loose & quick hugs; or out of necessity, such as help offered between them. Even the comfortable silences that stretch on for eons do not hold the same weight as this seems to — this closeness that Caelus is so readily offered in this moment, a proximity that he hadn't expected to be allowed, nevermind given without question.

& thus, Caelus also does not bother to question it, simply offering a small smile; the type one might describe as a ghost, for it is almost imperceptible despite the way it lingers on his lips. ❝What's gotten into you?❞ Caelus does ask, a concerned lilt within his voice — he may not question the action, but surely the motivation is best left spoken between them rather than hanging in the air; an uncertainty that would forever haunt him if he does not know of its existence.

❝Is everything alright, Dan Heng? Or are you trying new things today?❞ Despite the half-teasing tone, the fact he has asked once more & simply rephrased his question hopefully meant the underlying message of I worry for you would be picked up on rather than brushed off — even so, he can't exactly guarantee that he will receive an answer, but perhaps making it known is enough. Perhaps returning the affection with an arm wrapped around his shoulders is enough.

Of all things that are foreign to Caelus, affection has never been one of them, but perhaps Dan Heng is. & as with all things he doesn't know, he will learn.

[decoysouled]

smash or pass // accepting. @chasersglow // Smash or pass, respectfully for Himeko? uwu

❝Pass.❞ The response comes quick, after only a moment of consideration, as if there is no real alternative to consider. ❝Himeko is stunning & she's lovely, don't get me wrong, but I think I'd just annoy her — there's no way she'd let me get away with half of the things Dan Heng & March do. She'd probably end up scolding me more than anything, so I think I should save her the trouble... I wouldn't want to give her grey hairs.❞

[decoysouled]

200 random dialogue prompts // accepting. @etherealguard // ❛ i can’t leave you alone for one minute, can i? ❜ / @ caelus!

IN MOMENTS LIKE THIS, Caelus wonders whether he could get away with blaming his penchant for finding trouble on the stellaron thrumming in his chest rather than his insatiable sense of curiosity — he's not so sure it would matter either way, considering the look of exasperation in Dan Heng's eyes would likely remain the same no matter what was behind it.

( it seems to be a staple, these days. )

Besides, it wasn't as if he deserved that expression today — he had simply been wandering around the Luofu when he ran into the abundance sprites. It wasn't as if he had been trying to attract trouble. Not that he ever did, albeit he's sure if he were to tell Dan Heng that, he'd see straight through such an obvious lie. The pursuit of answers was far more important than the trivial matter of his continued existence, in Caelus' opinion.

Not that it would suddenly become an discontinued existence, considering his own skills in battle & the fact that whenever he truly needed help, it seemed at least one of his friends was lurking around the corner — something he is both thankful for & unnerved by. Although, he wouldn't say that aloud, if only to avoid the potential question it may come off as.

Although, he isn't too surprised by Dan Heng showing up to fend off the sprites ( as if they needed it. which they did. they really did. ) & turning his eyes upon Caelus. Not when they had technically been looking around together prior to his decision to wander off & explore a different part of the waterscape instead — maybe he should have taken a moment to inform his companion, but there was no time for trivialities in the pursuit of answers!

He's not sure anyone else would agree, though.

❝Technically, you can.❞ Caelus says, lips moving before he can actually think through his response — it wasn't as if Dan Heng's statement was meant literally & he's very much aware of that & he's also aware that Dan Heng knows he's aware. Probably, at least. Maybe he doesn't & Caelus is just overthinking it. ❝Whether I can keep out of trouble if you do might be a different answer, but you don't need to keep eyes on me constantly. Don't worry. I'll always come back in one piece.❞

( it isn't as if they need the supervision, no matter how much they appreciate time spent with a friend. )

❝At least it was just one little fight?❞ There was no need for him to relay the details of his other discoveries while he searched through the Luofu for something that would relieve his boredom or answer some of his questions about the area. If anything, maybe he should keep those to himself — he's not sure mentioning his search through random packages would garner anything other than disappointment.

( at least it's better than trash cans? )

[decoysouled]

COMFORTING WORDS ARE NOT HIS STRONG SUIT — after all, what can he even say to quell the other's worries when he can hardly comprehend the reasons behind them at all? What use is comfort from a person who will never be able to relate to your plight, no matter how hard they try? Even his presence may not be a comfort, but something to abhor in moments of emotional crisis, & he wonders if he'll ever get better at it.

If he'll ever figure out how to help another person, rather than being a catalyst for more grief with his silence & his inability to process his own emotions, nevermind those of another person.

❝I'm sure she worries about you, too.❞ His suggestion is one offered tentatively, as if he's unsure of whether it would be received well or if it would simply make Aether feel even worse — truth be told, he isn't sure the other would tell him if it hadn't helped, & perhaps that is why he rarely tries to offer comforting words at all. ❝I know it's not the same, but I get it. Kind of. Worrying about the people you care for.❞

But it isn't the same, he knows, for his relationship with their shared companions on the express is a far cry from what it must be like to have a sister. Or to have family at all, considering he has never quite experienced what it must be like.

❝The best thing you can do is keep moving forward, to make choices you won't regret, no matter the outcome.❞ & perhaps it is ironic, that he repeats words from someone he hardly remembers ( for all they had followed her, according to others, they do not recall anything about Kafka aside from the way she had left & the words she had spoken ) as if they are supposed to be a comfort to anyone but himself.

❝I'm sure that when you both meet again, she'd rather see you happy, rather than being able to tell you've worried half to death about her.❞ Then again, it isn't as if he knows anything about Aether's sister. It isn't as if he knows anything at all, these days.

aether knows the feeling well and he smiles a bit sadly as he turns his head to look out the window, the same direction he found caelus looking when he entered the train car. he can tell that it's not just the phone games that's keeping his companion up at night, but doesn't really feel the need to call the other man out on it. after all, it's been a growing trend for aether to realize that everyone on this train has a past of some sort that haunts them.

the blond only chuckles quietly, "sure, i just couldn't stop thinking about my sister," he says with a hum. "if she's okay... where she is right now." if she's even alive, he thinks to himself. aether shakes his head to rid himself of those types of thoughts, though, and instead glances into caelus's face. "it's on these nights i like to roam around the train."

[decoysouled]

send "let me take care of you" for my muse's reaction // accepting. @astrcls // 'let me take care of you.' [ for caelus, from dh ! ]

ON DAYS LIKE THIS, Caelus ponders whether Dan Heng can see right through him & into the depths of his mind — if he is like one-sided glass fitted the wrong way, never seeing the way people look into his heart & soul, never able to see them in return & finding them to be a mystery, a puzzle he must put together. Perhaps to others, the puzzle is Caelus & his less than desirable antics when it comes to learning all there is to know about the worlds the express travels too.

On days like this, Caelus ponders whether there is any point in protesting the care shown by his friend in spite of his own eccentricities — since the day they have met, it feels as if Dan Heng has spent his time looking after him & March, keeping them out of trouble when necessary. Except, Caelus realises ( it is a slow realisation, yet inexplicably quick, like the sunrise on a summer morning ) that Dan Heng had not, in fact, been there to take care of him today.

Dan Heng has not been around to take care of any of them, having stayed on the express & then spent his time separated from them — it makes sense, now, why he wants to keep Caelus within arm's reach & make sure he's alright. Or so he assumes, if only because he can't think of any reason than the other's worry to say such a demand so boldly ( because it is a demand, not a request. it is a statement, not a question. ) & yet with the intention of doing so any.

None of Caelus' denial would be met with anything other than protest, that much he's sure of, & so he offers a smile. He lifts a finger to poke Dan Heng in the cheek, his own words holding a teasing lilt to them: ❝You're like a bird, you know? Making sure everyone in your nest is alright.❞ There is some truth to the statement, albeit it is more an attempt to make him laugh than anything & Caelus stares intently at his face, awaiting the crease of his lips in a smile that he would try to hide & he listens for the quiet ring of laughter, almost inaudible.

He does not see a smile. He does not hear laughter. He wastes little time, after realising that perhaps Dan Heng is a little more concerned than Caelus had realised, in moving a hand to his sleeve, lightly tugging on it as if to get his attention. As if he is stuck in his thoughts. ❝If it'll make you feel better, you can take care of me for as long as you want. I don't mind.❞

[decoysouled]

200 random dialogue prompts // accepting. @etherealguard // ❛ i hope to repay your kindness someday. ❜ // @ caelus

& THE THING IS, Caelus has absolutely not clue what Dan Heng is talking about when he mentions kindness — if anything, it is Dan Heng ( & the others on the express ) who had treated him with kindness simply by allowing him to tag along on their voyage, regardless of the reasoning behind it. Then again, he must have done something to be worth the idea of being repaid, even if he can't figure out what it is.

( or maybe you're overthinking things again. )

Perhaps that's how it has been: repaying kindness with more of it. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be & Caelus can't say he dislikes the idea of continuing such an arrangement with those in his life — even if sometimes, there are parts of him that don't want to be kind, those are reserved for people he doesn't plan on being around for long.

( & for those who have treated them in such a way that their ire is deserved. )

❝You already have.❞ Caelus says after a moment, scratching at his cheek slightly. The words aren't exactly as confident as he'd like, wavering with an uncertainty that lingers in his eyes & the way his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes. ❝I mean- You protect everyone & you uh, tolerate my lesser liked qualities, right? So that's pretty kind of you.❞

If only he could find the right words for this situation, it would make his life much easier.

❝But there's nothing to repay. Honest.❞ He eventually says, only after being quiet for long enough that one could describe the silence as awkward, even if it isn't actually that long when he thinks on it. ❝There never will be. Not with me, at least, because- kindness isn't really a transaction? People aren't nice to you because they want to be repaid.❞ Even if sometimes, it could feel as if there an ulterior motive behind some people's nice facade.

❝What I mean is- You don't need to worry about repaying me, or anyone, for being nice. Seriously. Especially when you're kind in turn — I think it all evens out eventually, on purpose or not.❞

[decoysouled]

smash or pass meme // accepting. anonymous // for Caelus: smash or pass, Dan Heng?

THERE IS LITTLE FORETHOUGHT PUT INTO HIS ANSWER — perhaps because he already knows what it is & that much is reflected within the way he replies without hesitation. ❝Smash — I'd be down to hold his hand, too.❞

[decoysouled]

THERE IS NO NEED TO FOCUS ON THE PAST — that which was already written in the lines of the universe could not be changed, of this Caelus has been aware since the moment he awoke on the space station. Yet, he still finds himself curious as to what secrets are held within the distant pasts of his friends, as if to know their lives would be to know his own. It isn't, that much he is entirely aware of, but there's no harm in asking the others, right?

Or so he hopes. Perhaps there were better things to do than bother his companions currently, such as collecting books from the various places within the Luofu, but he sees no reason not to when he hasn't quite been told to stifle his curiosity & look elsewhere for answers to his questions.

❝Does that bother you?❞ Caelus asks after a moment of thought, settling on the question rather than the myriad of others he has — he wants to ask about why Dan Heng wasn't meant to be there, why he'd decided to come anyway, why he no longer looked the same as he once did; but for all he may be impulsive, he is intuitive enough to realise those weren't the types of questions he should be asking.

❝The things you don't remember well... Don't you wonder what the details you're missing were?❞ He wonders, for a moment, if he only assumes Dan Heng might be bothered by this because Caelus, with knowledge knew about the life he once lived, had found himself searching for answers he could not find. ❝What if they were something important to you?❞

✧ STARTER CALL.ㅤ|ㅤ@artificeheart ( Caelus )

ㅤㅤ❝ It was a long time ago — I don’t remember all the details. ❞

[decoysouled]

TAG DUMP // BLADE, CAELUS.

[decoysouled]

HE HADN'T BEEN THROUGH THAT MANY — or so Caelus would claim until his dying day, the true number of trash cans he had rifled through to remain a mystery until he revealed it on his deathbed like secrets often were in those television shows he had taken to watching as of late. He's sure that neither March nor Dan Heng would approve of something so utterly melodramatic & unnecessary, but he's sure the former would at least approve the artistic prowess.

( or maybe they should forgo that plan altogether? )

❝Right, right.❞ Caelus responds, sheepishly, lifting his hands in surrender as he steps away from the trash can, casting one final forlorn glance at it as if he is leaving an old lover for the last time — farewell, trash can, may the two of them meet in a different lifetime without anyone to separate them. He tries his best not to look as if she had just stolen the last slice of his favourite cake from his plate, although he's not so sure he manages it.

❝But you know, if you're going to spray people for their... eccentricities...❞ It is a nice way of putting bad habits, if only because he refuses to admit that digging through trash cans is such a thing. No matter what anyone else has to say, Caelus knows his truths & the secrets within trash is the most important of them all. ❝Then maybe there are other people to threaten, too..?❞

( they miss the trash already. how sad a day this is. )

s.c @artificeheart (caelus)

"Alright, you -" her tone was firm and crystalline eyes narrowed for emphasis of how SERIOUS she was.

"I can't let you dig through any more trashcans ...." and then she revealed the item that had been hidden behind her back, a WATER GUN.

"step away or I'll have no choice but to shoot!"

[decoysouled]

HE CAN UNDERSTAND THAT, to an extent — perhaps not his exact worries, for those are not something Caelus can relate to, but he knows that remaining in his room would do little for him when he is consumed within his thoughts & it is not a stretch of the imagination to believe that Aether may be similar to him in some regards. It seems all those on the express are searching for something; whether it is a long lost past or redemption or something in between.

He does not need to wonder what it is that Aether searches for. He already knows that.

❝I get it.❞ Caelus speaks, deciding that it is no use in holding back his thoughts — it has never been like him to suppress the emotions he wears on his sleeve & there is no use in doing so now, despite the part of him that wishes to. ❝Sometimes you need a change of scenery & it's not like our rooms are great for that. Unless you're Dan Heng, of course.❞ It is evidently an attempt to make Aether laugh rather than a dig at his friend's constant presence within the archives, although he hopes that much is obvious.

❝What's your sister like?❞ Caelus questions after a moment, hesitation hiding within his eyes as he looks away, worried he has asked something that he should not have & in doing so, has overstepped the boundaries of their tentative friendship. ❝I don't remember if I had a family or not before I joined the express... I've wondered, for a while, what that must be like.❞

( does it hurt to lose them? they do not ask. they want to. )

aether knows the feeling well and he smiles a bit sadly as he turns his head to look out the window, the same direction he found caelus looking when he entered the train car. he can tell that it's not just the phone games that's keeping his companion up at night, but doesn't really feel the need to call the other man out on it. after all, it's been a growing trend for aether to realize that everyone on this train has a past of some sort that haunts them.

the blond only chuckles quietly, "sure, i just couldn't stop thinking about my sister," he says with a hum. "if she's okay... where she is right now." if she's even alive, he thinks to himself. aether shakes his head to rid himself of those types of thoughts, though, and instead glances into caelus's face. "it's on these nights i like to roam around the train."