#125. ❝we weren’t just born to fade.❞ — V1 ( main )

[decoysouled]

asoiaf: a dance with dragons starters // accepting. @galactia // ❝ do you mean to spend your whole life running away? ❞ (from Alhaitham for Kaveh)

NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE, Kaveh finds himself wondering if Alhaitham knows how to have tact or whether he simply ignores the idea of it entirely — the latter is most likely, he supposes, considering the other has also managed to turn a blind eye to the idea of a beautiful home & furniture that isn't abysmal to look at.

Not for the first time in his life, Kaveh wishes that Alhaitham had simply kept quiet.

Yet, he doesn't. Alhaitham speaks & so Kaveh must conjure up some sort of response. His roommate ( not quite friend, not quite anything else ) is not the type to give up in his endeavours to make Kaveh feel... frustrated? He's not sure that's Alhaitham's goal, exactly, nor where his question comes from ( concern? cruelty? ) or what has brought it on in the first place.

His lips press into a thin line as he places down his pencil, on which his grip had become ever-so-slightly too tight, & looks up to face Alhaitham, displeasure evident in the expression that has taken over his face — the concentrated look, one that was fueled by inspiration, that it was scrunched into beforehand does not linger. Instead, there is a confusion that flashes across it before it settles into something that resembles irritation.

As it often does when Kaveh is faced with questions he doesn't wish to answer from a not-stranger not-friend.

Truth be told, Kaveh wishes he understood what Alhaitham was truly asking — or more specifically, what he was allegedly running from to the point his friend roommate had decided to call him out on it for no discernible reason. After all, he has confronted the past ( yet he cannot atone for it ) & while his future is like a mirage in the desert ( out of reach, unknown to all what its true shape is ), Kaveh cannot say he runs from anything.

( instead, he makes up for it. gives & gives until there is nothing left & then he will give more. )

❝& what am I running from, exactly?❞ Kaveh enquires. He makes his best effort to stay calm & not allow Alhaitham's words to frustrate him, to not allow his feelings to leak into his voice — it's a monumental task, considering he would claim Alhaitham enjoys seeing him worked up to the point of being infuriated if he didn't know any better. He does know better, unfortunately.

Yet, sometimes it feels like he knows nothing at all when it comes to someone he was once so close to, for distance had separated them like the oceans separated the land, & now it felt like he was living with a stranger that he knew far too well. A stranger who knew him much the same.

❝For someone who tends to speak plainly, you could surely consider clarifying your point if you wanted an actual answer.❞ Then again, perhaps Alhaitham does not ask to be given an answer but simply for the reaction. Kaveh casts that thought aside the moment it comes to mind — one does not ask if they don't wish to learn, especially not a scholar who had a habit of asking ridiculous questions.

❝Or maybe you should ask yourself that question, considering you run from any sense of aesthetics when it comes to furniture. Have you ever thought about self-reflecting instead of asking me ridiculous questions?❞

[decoysouled]

unprompted asks // accepting. @aalberich // ❝ what do you say we grab us a real drink? ❞ [ for kaveh! ]

& IT'S A SURPRISE TO BE ASKED THAT — while the time he had spent speaking with Kaeya had been filled with a remarkably relaxing flow of conversation, it was unusual for others to consider spending even more time with him outside of his small group of friends. He knows why, at the very least: it is his stiffness, the falsity of his calm façade that is easy to pick out from the crowd. Few know of his argumentative nature, even fewer having been on the receiving end of his annoyance, but it seems he must have made quite the impression to be asked that question.

( or perhaps it is his own apprehension that leads to such thoughts, for surely no one would wish to spend time with someone who bottles up his feelings for the good of others. )

❝Now that,❞ Kaveh says, lips curled into a small smile, ❝would depend on what you call a real drink, wouldn't it?❞ & yet, he cannot find it within himself to truly decline, as if he seeks companionship from someone who is not quite as familiar as the friends he has fallen into a routine with. Besides, maybe Alhaitham wouldn't bother him if he stayed a little late with someone else, rather than following the usual routine in which he drags Kaveh home for whatever reason he so chooses.

( he could avoid the scolding that comes with drinking himself into oblivion, too, he hopes. )

❝If you're talking about a night out at the tavern, I'd be happy to join you, Kaeya.❞ He finds there is no point in pretending otherwise — he would make quite the interesting friend, after all, & it isn't as if they would have many more chances to get out & go drinking in the future. ❝After all, someone should show you all Sumeru has to offer before you head home.❞

[decoysouled]

prompts for workaholic characters // accepting. @galactia // "no matter how hard you work, it won't bring them back." (for Kaveh, from Alhaitham)

THERE IS A MYRIAD OF BLUEPRINTS SPREAD ACROSS KAVEH'S DESK — it is a sign of days of work with little rest, as is evidenced by how some have splotches of ink & lines that are not quite as crisp as his work usually has. Later, he will take the time to redraw them, but today, he simply leaves them be, imperfect blueprints that would not see the light of day until they were pieced back together neatly in such a way that no one would ever know the messy versions had ever existed.

As with all of his rules, Alhaitham is the one exception, the witness to his frenzied sleepless nights in the haze of inspiration & one too many deadlines coming up. It is a fact Kaveh does not mind some days & detests on others — the other has seen the darkest recesses of his self-destruction & the anguish that has threatened to consume him for so long it has become part of him; like a parasitic presence in his brain, like a virus in his DNA.

( the sort of which he is almost afraid to part with. )

Perhaps he has stretched Alhaitham's patience thin ( he seems to be very good at that, these days ) or there is some sort of genuine concern in those words rather than a simple annoyance for the lack of quiet that his working must bring to their shared home — or maybe it is because he hasn't kept up with the housework in his artistic daze. Whatever the reason for those words may be, there is something within him that finds them irrevocably cruel.

They have fought before, many a time, but only once can Kaveh remember words that cut so deep that Alhaitham may as well have plunged a sword into his chest & called it mercy — that day many years ago, the argument that had lead their paths to diverge for so long that Kaveh had worried he had destroyed their friendship for the rest of eternity.

( he still regrets what he said that day. he wonders if alhaitham does, too. )

Yet these words are no personal attack on the ideals that have been ingrained into his heart since he was merely a child, ignorant of the ways of the world & the grief of losing a parent — no, they seem almost worried, if he were to make the assumption that Alhaitham was disquieted by his antics at any point, considering how he seemed apathetic at best some days. Kaveh knows, at least, that what seems like apathy on the surface is nothing of the sort.

( it would be easier if it was. )

Alhaitham is right, in a way — working himself half to death, as the scribe liked to put it, would not resurrect the dead ( his father who was only gone because of his encouragement, a soul he cannot put to rest ) nor would it bring their mother back to Sumeru, or into his life at all. She had moved on long ago & had a life to worry about that did not concern nor involve Kaveh, something he had encouraged if only because she deserved to be happy after the tragedy he had caused & the agony that had befallen her in her grief.

( yet it was kaveh who could not move on. the creator of his anguish from the very start, delivering retribution upon himself as if he deserves nothing else. it was he who would ruin all things kind & good someday, no matter how he tried to pretend otherwise & fix all he had destroyed in his life. )

❝If there's a chance it will, then at least I can try.❞ He replies, a little more snappishly than he would have liked — it can more aptly be described as defensiveness, the sort of which curls its tendrils around him whenever he feels his beliefs have come under fire by his roommate, as if his words would shatter any semblance of truth that Kaveh had gained throughout his life. ❝But that isn't why I've been working so much as of late.❞

If he felt less vulnerable in this moment ( exhaustion having crept into every crevice of his body, fully on display ) then perhaps he might have been kinder in his response & described to Alhaitham all the work he had to do & the deadlines he had to meet; the crushing weight of too many revisions & the loss of his artistic vision through the wishes of clients who asked him to change far too many things until his work became bland & unrecognisable. Simply another building in a sea of such things.

But today, Kaveh does not explain a thing. Today, he does not look up from his work to gaze at whatever expression the other holds on his face, if only out of fear he might see the same scathing look from many years ago that had been burned into his memory on a night he wishes he could forget.

❝If this is about the housework, I'll get to it soon, Alhaitham. Let me finish up this blueprint first & then I'll make sure the house is nice & tidy.❞ Or as tidy as it would be with the various books strewn throughout it — sometimes, Kaveh swore he didn't neaten them up on purpose, but he has no proof of that. ❝Also, if you wanted me to take care of things, then just say so, instead of...❞ Insulting him? No, that likely wasn't the intention. He can't describe, really, the way those words make him feel.

( the way they cause grief to come back to the forefront of his mind. )

❝Besides, if you really want to focus on which of us has the most problems... Have you even bothered reorganising those books of yours? If those shelves are even dustier than the last time I saw them, I'll make sure you don't even think about leaving them to collect any again.❞ Perhaps it is a welcome distraction, this familiar bickering & the routine between them. It is a small thing to say, the sort of which he has said time & time again.

There is something in him that loosens just a bit at changing the topic. He wonders how long it will take for it to start suffocating him again.

[decoysouled]

bg3 companion banter starters // accepting. @marchingasone // “Let's have some fun.” (sethos to kaveh?)

KAVEH IS WELL AWARE THAT LIFE SHOULD HAVE SOME FUN IN IT — such as drinking in the tavern ( when another thing in his life has gone so wrong that there is only one way to drown out his racing thoughts & sorrow ) or sketching whatever comes to mind ( at least, when he isn't busy with his work or obsessing over perfecting his designs on sleepless nights & coffee-fueled days ) whether he's alone or with friends ( & Alhaitham, nowadays ).

However, when it came to the people he was close to, Kaveh was aware that fun could mean anything from sitting in silence to read; playing Genius Invokation TCG ( sometimes it could be fun, but he can't deny that Cyno is the better of the two of them at it ) or something of the sort.

That is to say, he knows what to expect out of the word fun when it comes to the people he spends the most time with — but not when it was Sethos, who he really only knows through Cyno for the most part, & Kaveh can't exactly say he wasn't dreading what the answer would be. Although, whatever regrets he might have if he agrees to making a new friend could wait for later ( & a listening ear in the form of an unwilling roommate over dinner ) instead of now.

Living in the moment was the most important part of living a life filled with inspiration ( & avoiding the grief that has always lingered in his soul ).

❝Having some actual fun sounds amazing.❞ Kaveh's response is not exactly cheerful, rather it is polite & only barely betraying his apprehension at what this could possibly entail. ❝What- is your idea of fun, by the way? Because knowing the people I do, that can range from reading to a lecture on what not to do in the forest. Not that either of those is undesirable-❞

& he hopes that if either of those things are Sethos' idea of a good time, that he hasn't inadvertently sounded as if he was uninterested in either.

❝I'd just like to know what I'm agreeing to.❞ & while Kaveh is the type who trusts far too easily ( according to everyone else in his life ), he has no reason to distrust Sethos' or believe his plans would be anything other than fun. ❝I trust that you'll at least be more fun than Alhaitham, at the very least, but it never hurts to check what you're doing before you regret the outcome. Not that I will- or plan to.❞

( not that he has ever been the type to double-check before everything comes crashing down. )

[decoysouled]

REGARDLESS OF WHETHER HIS WORDS BETRAY HIS NERVES, Kaveh is not the type to say anything he doesn't mean — unless a certain someone is involved, but Kaveh's trip to Mondstadt did not include any of his not-quite-friends ( of which there is only one ) considering he had travelled to study the architecture of a foreign nation to find some sort of inspiration for his next project.

He can't say he understands their doubt, but Kaveh knows there must be a reason behind it & perhaps one day, he may learn it. Or perhaps not. In the end, it isn't something that affects the matter at hand, so now isn't the time to think too hard about it.

❝Well, I wasn't trying not to be reassuring.❞ He says after a moment of steeling himself so that his voice did not betray any swirl of uncertainty or doubt. There isn't any use in appearing as anything other than confident & Kaveh has spent far too long drowning his guilt & uncertainty in his work to put them on display to someone he doesn't know particularly well.

❝If we work together, then we'll succeed no matter what. That's what I like to think. Don't you agree?❞

“I can assure you that the three-to-one odds don’t frighten me.” (Kaveh)

"It's often the case that when someone says assure you and frighten in the same sentence, there is a certain likely hood that they are afraid or trying to scare their intended target. So I honestly I hope you mean that as reassurance."

[decoysouled]

200 random dialogue prompts // accepting. @resolutepath // ❛ is this seat taken? sorry, it’s a bit crowded here. ❜ ( childe to kaveh )

SUMERU'S NIGHTLIFE WAS ALWAYS AN INSPIRATION — on the nights when Kaveh found his mind too busy to pick ideas from each other, heading to the tavern offered the perfect place to get away from the house for a short time. The lively atmosphere was, of course, an added bonus when all Kaveh had any interest in for tonight was poring over his recent sketches ( initial ideas, not quite enough to work with yet ) to make sure everything was perfect before he began to translate any of it into usable blueprints.

( piecing together his mistakes into a tapestry was best done amongst a crowd with some wine to drown his sorrows in, at the end of the day. )

Of course, Kaveh didn't expect to remain completely undisturbed throughout the evening, if only because there was no expectation that Lambad's would not be busy ( vibrant, full of life ) & because he was used to someone deciding to come & drag him home eventually. However, that was a voice he didn't recognise, which meant it wasn't simply one of his friends deciding to join him.

( not that he'd have been the best of company, papers stacked in front of him & eyes trained on them as if nothing else existed. )

❝No, not at all.❞ Kaveh's response comes shortly before he lifts his head, quick to finish the line he was sketching before shifting his attention from his sketchbook to the stranger who had approached. ❝Feel free to sit with me. I don't mind.❞ It wasn't as if he would even consider denying such a request in the first place, whether because the company would be appreciated or because it was simply the right thing to do.

( there was never any other option than doing the kind thing. )

Kaveh is careful as he closes his sketchbook, quick to move it out of the way — drawing out his ideas could always wait for later & there was no better use of the evening than socialising. ❝Company is always welcome, after all..❞ In most cases, at the very least, considering there are some people Kaveh is sure he wouldn't greet with open arms if they were to be the person in front of him.

❝My name is Kaveh. It's a pleasure to meet you.❞

[decoysouled]

transferred from archived blog & lost meme // not accepting. @apocryphis // ❝ you wage war with your own nature. that is what you do. ❞ (alhaitham to kaveh)

THERE ARE ONLY TWO WARS KAVEH HAS EVER WAGED IN HIS LIFETIME — one of those, he supposes, is with the guilt that had carved itself into his soul as a child & named itself grief ( for all that was lost because of his own two hands ) before it made itself at home within his life to the point that if he were to lose it, he isn't quite sure what he would do with himself.

( what pieces of him would remain. )

The second war ( which he wasn't sure even counted, as Kaveh had lost it from the moment it begun ) was one he could name far more easily: Al-haitham. More specificially, if one were to ask, his roomate's ( friend? can he even be called that anymore? ) ability to get under Kaveh's skin & upend any positive mood he wakes up with.

( although, guilt grief would eventually catch up with him anyway. )

He isn't exactly sure what inspired those words — as much as he would claim to know Al-haitham, he isn't sure whether he'd ever understand his motivations when it concerns Kaveh himself. Whether he is some sort of research experiment, or if saying things like this is some odd way of expressing concern, although he's starting to think the former option is more likely.

❝That isn't true in the slightest.❞ He refutes those words almost immediately, trying his best not to sound too snappy or bristle too much, although he's sure he's failed considering his eyes narrow in annoyance as he fixes his gaze on Al-haitham. ❝I'm very in tune with who I am, thank you very much.❞ Because it is easy to know himself & all that makes him.

Kaveh's nature is grieving & giving & trying to ignore the anger that rises in his chest but failing to do so. Kaveh's nature is attempting to forget the way grief makes his hands shake sometimes, the way he tries to atone for the death of his father yet never really can. Kaveh's nature is trying to find beauty in the world because if it doesn't exist, if there is no reason for art & no soul in it, then what place does he have within it?

Kaveh's nature, in the end, was to cling to his ideals as if they are all he has left & allow them to eat him alive until he becomes a shell of himself ( & how long is left before that happens? ) — after all, was it not Al-haitham who once called him too idealistic as the brushstroke that severed their friendship like a line on a canvas?

Was it not Al-haitham who once asked how realising those ideals ( the ones that pulse beneath his skin like the ghost of a heartbeat ) had gone for him once everything he worked for had resulted in him having to accept the charity of a once-friend so many years after they tore each other apart?

He still wonders why Al-haitham decided, that day, to help. He isn't sure he'll ever know the answer.

❝To wage war on my nature would mean I go against it in the first place.❞ Which he doesn't, because it is in his nature to chase his ideals until he has run himself ragged & still continue, which Kaveh has spent his entire life doing & has yet to stop. ❝What, exactly, makes you think I'm at war with myself? & why are you saying this now? If I've done something to annoy you, it'd be easier just to tell me than- whatever you're trying to do.❞

After all, he's sure that this isn't Al-haitham's way of picking a fight, because Kaveh doesn't think doing so intentionally ( in bad faith, at least ) was in his friend's nature.

[decoysouled]

all the things i should(n't) have said dialogue prompts // accepting. @galactia // ❝ you shouldn't look at me like that. ❞ (from my Alhaitham, for Kaveh)

THERE IS A MYRIAD OF WAYS KAVEH HAS LOOKED AT ALHAITHAM THROUGHOUT HIS LIFE — with fondness ( that of a close friend who feels nothing but happiness in the company of someone they care for ), with sorrow ( as he walked away from the chasm between them that he couldn't face, hiding the regret of ever saying i regret becoming your friend ), with annoyance ( never anger, because Kaveh has never truly allowed himself that, but with a frustration that was on the edge of anger. )

( the type of frustration that boils over into upset, that leaves him feeling both everything & nothing all at once in a hollowed out place in his heart where fondness used to live. )

Rocky relationship aside, Kaveh had thought that they were doing better. After all, there have been far fewer arguments between them & even a tentative peace at times ( even if that is quick to dissolve some days ) that Kaveh has grown to accept as a shard of what could have been if their argument had never torn them apart. He does not let himself think of that often.

( perhaps if they had never done that group project, they would still be friends rather than acquaintances who have long outgrown each other. )

Kaveh doesn't believe he's looked at Alhaitham any particular way today — he does has yet to feel anything boil over into annoyance nor does sadness ( the grief of all his mistakes ) linger more than usual. The morning has been peaceful ( in contrast to the usual bickering that leaves his day ruined before he has the chance to enjoy it ) & their coexistence much the same, although he's sure it is a fragile type of serenity that won't last.

The peace between them never does. Perhaps that, Kaveh considers, is the issue at hand — the peace that reminds him of the days they were friends, the once-common look of fondness having appeared within his expression for only a moment. It's different, he knows, to the usual disbelief & incredulity & resignation Kaveh looks at him with when frustration is not running rampant & sorrow has not consumed him.

Maybe Alhaitham, too, does not like to remember the days they were friends. Maybe Alhaitham, too, does not enjoy the reminders of their closeness & Kaveh has allowed himself to indulge in the peace between them too much.

Kaveh does not respond at first, instead choosing to turn away & finish making the coffee he typically had on a morning, a sprinkle of cinnamon sugar mixed into it. His fingers wrap around the cup, as if to seek warmth, and he picks it up before turning back to Alhaitham, confusion dancing in his eyes.

❝Then how should I look at you?❞ He asks, uncertainty tainting his words in much the same way mud would change the colour of water & rot tainted the flowers within a vase. ❝Do you like it when I look at you with disdain, Alhaitham? Or sadness? Or annoyance?❞ It is not a genuine question, but he asks it all the same, for Kaveh is nothing if not someone who bites back at Alhaitham's words like a fish on a hook.

( later, he will regret these words. later, he will allow himself sorrow. )

❝Even if we aren't friends anymore, I want-❞ to be your friend again goes unsaid because he cannot allow such words to leave his mouth, the sentence instead being cut-off suddenly, much in the same way anger cuts things apart. ❝I want,❞ Kaveh repeats, ❝there to be some semblance peace between us. I don't want to argue, but it seems you're incapable of letting me indulge in a single moment when we aren't bickering.❞

It seems that Kaveh will never allow himself the peace he craves, either, but he does not mention that to Alhaitham. He doesn't think he ever will.

❝How have I looked at you for you to tell me that, anyway? Archons forbid I show any sign of happiness with you around, but I suppose that serves me right for thinking you'd let me have one good morning.❞ He grips the cup of coffee tighter, if only to keep his hands busy & to ground his mind in what is around himself rather than the spiral of thoughts in his brain.

❝Why can't I look at you the way I want to, for once, rather than the way you wish I would?❞

[decoysouled]

asoiaf: a dance with dragons starters // accepting. @ayahimes // ❝ not all risks lead to ruin. ❞ ( for kaveh )

TO THOSE WHO WERE NOT RIDDLED WITH MISFORTUNE, such words would likely ring true, but Kaveh is not one of the people who has luck on their side — every risk he has taken has ruined something, whether it has been his own life or his relationships with others. Yet, he does not find that he shies away from risk, for what use is there in avoiding the misfortune that follows him around like a shadow?

( his entire life had been marked with ruin & there is no use trying to escape a cage that his been built especially for oneself. )

Whether it was the death of his father due to Kaveh's own request he participate in the Interdarshan Championship so many years ago ( which he has never quite been able to forgive himself for ) or the destruction of the friendship he once held with Alhaitham, he has learned that taking risks when it comes to the people he cares for ( to participate in something, to work with him ) has been marred by his need to help others, a cycle that he has never quite escaped.

( his impractical idealism, as someone had once called it, would never truly allow him to rest. )

Despite the conflict within, the unease resting in his heart, Kaveh simply offers her a smile — the sort of which is typically reserved for clients rather than visitors. Albeit there are few who are given the opportunity to see through Kaveh the Architect & at Kaveh, the person behind the buildings he has created. Even fewer manage to elicit any reaction from him that isn't either kindness or sorrow, although those who manage to frustrate him surely have a talent for it.

❝If you take the wrong risks, they'll always lead you to ruin, even if you didn't expect them to.❞ & no one could truly foresee the consequences of their decisions — to live within the ruins of one's life were worth it, in the end, if the world surrounding them was filled with joy at the cost of oneself. If he could put a smile on people's faces, if he could bring happiness to those around him, then to be buried in the ruins of his life was no burden.

( to live within the ruins of once-happiness was not as fleeting as the joy it once represented. )

❝That doesn't mean they should be avoided, I'm sure.❞ Because avoiding any risk meant never truly helping others — if one isn't willing to sacrifice all they could to ensure someone's problems were solved, there would be no point in claiming to be helpful at all. ❝After all, if you risk nothing to live your life in perfect stability, then have you really given all you can to your passions?❞

( to love something was to give all you had, even if that love was for arts & aesthetics & his work. )

❝Even if a risk will someday lead to ruin, there's no point in thinking about that too hard.❞ Before it happens, at least, for each risk Kaveh has taken would always have the time to be thought about later when his sorrows were the only company he had left. ❝So long as you're happy with your choices and the risks you take, the consequences are only as heavy as you allow them to be.❞

( sorrow is only as heavy as the heart that holds it. )

[decoysouled]

TAG DUMP // KAMISATO AYATO, KAVEH, ASTER KNIGHT.