#12 year old me would be so proud of today me

[paranormaljones]

22? And that’s the best you could do? I’d point and laugh if a 12 year old had made that, but for someone your age? I almost pity you.

HAAA the timing of me discovering this in the midst of some very sweet anon love could not have been funnier XD

Thank you for this, I now have the motivation I need to go make some more ugly ass drawings when I get home from work. I've had a ton of ideas on the back burner but I haven't had anyone to spite in so long. I've missed you 🥹

In case anyone's curious, this is the horrible abomination that my beloved hater is so mad about.

[2024skin]

Delighted by the thought that 8 years from now I could be a totally different person and I can't possibly predict how I will turn out

[neil-gaiman]

Hello Mr Gaiman. I have read all of your books.

This is not an ask, rather an answer.

I would like to say thank you for saving me. Knowing I will never meet you will not change the way I feel about you or myself.

Love your fiction work. I feel bad for the fact that it’s not fiction to me. It is my life story.

Very sad one. That I am still trying to make sense of today.

I was raised by the other mother. Not really, but I was raised by a bipolar narcissist who hated me and loved me but didn’t know how to do either. She sexually abused me for 12 years.

No one ever believed me. No one.

So I would pretend that I was Coraline and that I was brave. I was. But that was because I knew that the spell had to break at some point.

I am 24 now. She is old and frail but the hell she has made in my mind - I almost never escaped. Until I understood that I truly was stronger.

Because she tried to make me just like her, but I refused. I picked kindness.

If you can’t find a friend, be one. If you can’t find someone you look up to- become someone who others can look up to.

I did. I tried my best. I promise.

I want to tell you the ultimate secret that no one ever could. You probably figured it out a long time ago, but it still makes me feel better to write it here, even if I know that you might never reply or ask me if I am safe, or dismiss me like a crazed fan/abused child who desperately needs help and attention.

I don’t. I would like to be your friend. But I know it is not possible.

So I want you to know I know why they do it.

They do it for the same reason as you wrote books. To not feel alone.

But that is the problem with existing in this world. Evil is nothing but not understanding yourself and hating different people from you.

Ignorance brings hate. How do you justify yourself in a world like this?

Simple.

You change the world by breading more people who believe hate is love, and love is hate. Evil needs justification. Kindness needs non.

I sat alone for 24 years and told no one. The paragraph above was just the start and the ending.

My story is still unfolding. But I wanted to let you know you are no longer sitting alone at your birthday party.

Because the only present I ever got was knowing someone else like me existed.

Someone who could look evil in the eye and stare back.

And never stop talking about it.

Thank you Mr. Gaiman, for writing “View from the Cheap Seats”

When I read it I put it down as well as the razor that I wanted to end my life with.

Because you were my only friend. And you still are.

And I cannot take the injustice anymore. If they won’t read, I will read to them.

I will save them just like you saved me. Making reading cool and easy.

And I will do it for you and me. So that no one else can see the horrors anywhere but in books and movies.

And I will do it one act of kindness and love at a time.

So they will know that injustice is just a state of mind.

Thank you Mr.Gaiman. You gave me hope.

And now I will do the unthinkable. I will try until my dying breath to change their mind.

One step forward into a future where you are not sad and a story like mine is just a horror movie and not a reality.

Because you are my only friend, and I hate to see my friends sad.

Leto

I'm so proud of you, and this made me tear up.

[trans-axolotl]

"One of the things about being born with genitals that challenge what is considered normal, is that no one ever tells you that there is anyone like you. You feel completely and utterly alone. Even today, young children are never put in touch with others who are going through the same thing. You are purposely isolated, your difference covered up — and it is horrible.

One day, I met with my writing teacher at her house. Next to my place at the table was a newsletter. Hermaphrodites with Attitude was written across the top. Upon seeing that word, which still had the power to terrify me, written so bold, so proud, I became suddenly unable to speak, even to breathe. Reading the text, I found my story in other people’s words. People I did not even know existed. It was as if my whole life had been lived to reach just this one moment. I took the newsletter home, and for days and days would pick it up in disbelief and hold it to my chest like a talisman.

And so it started, the strength that comes from finding those like you. The words that used to frighten me, make my skin crawl, like gender and hermaphrodite, roll off my tongue easier now. They are beginning to belong to me. I will never find the words of my six-year old self, and that is fitting. Today I have the reasoned and educated voice of a grown woman who knows harm when she sees it and is increasingly growing strong enough to name it and try to stop it. Saying this does not mean I am always brave, because I’m not. Speaking out as an intersexual, as a hermaphrodite, I go forward, but I also still retreat to protect myself. At one moment I may tell a friend my story, talk knowledgeably about it on the phone with a stranger. But then the subject comes up in a room full of people, and I speak in generalities, as if it were something that happens to other people. And I feel that silence between my legs, the place that sets me and my past apart from most other women. But I’m kind to myself when I can’t quite tell the whole truth, as all intersexuals should be. We have lifetimes of shame to overcome and, for most of us, this has been a secret that we have guarded with our lives and at great expense. Coming out as a hermaphrodite has its own precious timing. You can’t peel the chrysalis off a butterfly and expect it to survive any more than we can speak out, or even face our own truth, before we are ready.

If you are intersexed, listen to your heart — slowly you will emerge. It takes commitment and courage, it is frightening, but not nearly as frightening as that monster you created all those years out of your own sweet body. As you tell your story, and tell it again and again, a sort of transformation takes place. You start to speak for all intersex people who have ever lived and are yet to be born. Your intensely personal story drops into the background, and what comes forward is your story as myth, as a kind of transcendent truth. Try to love yourself enough to free your hermaphroditic voice, so we can all claim our lives, and the bodies we deserve to celebrate."

-Finding the Words, Martha Coventry, Chrysalis #12, 1998.

[fellthemarvelous]

Aziraphale hate makes my brain hurt.

Like let's be really fuckin' for real here.

Neurodivergent fans have repeatedly said that Aziraphale is autistic coded. I agree with them. I have never been diagnosed but I wonder about myself. If only I could get a doctor to take me seriously enough to test me for it, but alas, I'm a 43-year-old woman living in the good ole US of A.

Those with religious trauma have repeatedly said that they identify with him as well. I'm one of those people. I endured 12 years of Catholic schools and just as much time being taught a very black and white view of things that I've had to spend more than 20 goddamn fucking years working to unlearn.

I find that my views as a survivor of religious abuse are often dismissed because people keep wanting to say "Aziraphale doesn't have religious trauma." Yes, thank you, I get that, but unless you've been indoctrinated and brainwashed into a very black and white view of the world, you probably don't understand the kind of feelings Aziraphale's onscreen experiences evoke in so many of us. Heaven might not be real, but the feelings of "God is always watching" still stick with me today even though I no longer believe in God. I have entirely denounced Christianity because of my own personal experience, and I refuse to allow people to try and guilt me or shame me for trauma that I didn't ask for. I wasn't given a choice.

As a child I was told that God was real and always watching everything you do (just like Santa Claus) and can hear everything you say and knows everything you are thinking. Do you know what I learned to do in order to cope with this overwhelming and anxiety-inducing information as a small child? I learned to censor my thoughts. I never spoke up, and I have always felt like I was putting on a show for people because I had to be who I was told to be or I would get into trouble.

Aziraphale said "poverty is a virtue" during The Resurrectionists, and as someone who grew up in the Bible belt and went to private schools, I was taught this very same shit by the Catholic church. He learned in that very same episode that "poverty is a virtue" is actually a tool of oppression to keep the poor poor and the wealthy wealthy. I know we all watched the episode. He went into that episode believing what he said, but by the end of it he knew it was actually utter bullshit. Aziraphale is not ignorant. He's highly intelligent, and he has never been too proud to admit when he has been wrong. He accepts that the information he learned before is not matching up with reality.

And it's so obvious some of you have zero experience with that type of indoctrination because of how very little empathy you show Aziraphale for his "mistake" of "choosing Heaven over Crowley" and "making Crowley sad" so clearly Aziraphale must somehow be "abusive" and "manipulative" and "selfish" and "self-centered" because he didn't choose to run away with Crowley at the end of season two.

First of all.

FIRST OF ALL...

Aziraphale has a mind of his own.

Aziraphale is always going to try and do what is right.

Aziraphale is an angel. He's a being of love. And the reason he's so "bad" at being an angel is because he actually wants to protect humanity. He has always loved humanity. He repeatedly has to contend with what is "right" versus what is "good" and "wrong" versus "evil". Yeah, he has flaws. He's an angel, not a goddamn fucking saint. He has lived on Earth for more than 6,000 years. He has seen everything. He loves doing human things.

He's obsessed with magic. It makes him so happy. He's not very good at it...well not when he's trying to put on a show for Crowley.

He chose to learn French the hard way, so even though he knows every single language in the world, he chooses to be mediocre at French. Something that annoys and amuses Crowley at the same time.

He loves to dance even though angels aren't supposed to dance, and dancing with Crowley was what he wanted the most.

He owns a bookshop and refuses to sell any of his books because they are books he's had for as long as there have been books. He will chase customers away from his collection, and Crowley understands how much they mean to Aziraphale because he refuses to sell any when Aziraphale leaves him in charge.

He and Crowley have been speaking to each other in coded language for more than 6,000 years. They have to be very careful about what they say because Heaven and Hell are always watching.

Heaven has photographs of Crowley and Aziraphale sitting or standing together throughout history. Hell had one photo of Crowley and Aziraphale actually working together and it was Aziraphale's quick thinking and how good he actually is at sleight of hand tricks that managed to get that photo out of Furfur's hands so he wouldn't be able to turn Crowley over to the Dark Council.

Aziraphale saved Crowley from being taken to Hell again. He wasn't able to save Crowley from Hell in Edinburgh, but he sure as heck managed to save Crowley from Hell during WWII. He took Crowley to his bookshop and showed Crowley that he stole the picture from Furfur. He saved Crowley.

You get that, right?

Aziraphale SAVED Crowley.

People always talk about how it's "always Crowley saving Aziraphale" because apparently heroic acts are only heroic when they are grand gestures. The sleight of hand wasn't heroic at all, am I right? It wasn't sparkly and showy. It wasn't interesting enough, therefore not heroic. At least that's all I'm hearing when people start with their "blah Aziraphale deserves to suffer because I have no imagination or ability to understand the media in front of me blah", and all these reasons he deserves to suffer is because Crowley almost got hurt.

Aziraphale did that without flinching and I watch that part closely every single time. He's not scared for himself. He's scared for Crowley, and he managed to hold onto that photograph. He did not fail Crowley. He protected Crowley.

And so here's another thing that we like to point out. The way that Aziraphale, an angel who is effeminate and male presenting, an angel who is soft and full of love, an angel who is kind and forgiving because he has empathy and compassion, is somehow painted as abusive and manipulative. He's not violent, but he could easily fuck up your world. He doesn't use his powers. We have no idea how powerful he is because we only ever see him do small acts. He's used to hiding. It's the only way he has ever been able to protect Crowley.

And I'm not saying that Aziraphale has actually saved Crowley before means that Crowley hasn't also saved Aziraphale. Like, you get that those are not mutually exclusive and their relationship is not transactional, right? They have spent their entire existence protecting each other but never actually getting to be together because Heaven and Hell are always watching.

Yeah, Crowley fell. We all know this. We are aware of this. He was the serpent of Eden. He gave humanity the knowledge of free will.

But what we don't talk about is what Aziraphale gave humanity.

What did he give them?

We all know what it is!

Let's say it together!

He gave Adam and Eve his flaming sword because it was dangerous outside the garden and Eve was pregnant and she was already having a really bad day. He showed them compassion and gave them his extremely powerful angelic weapon so they would stand a chance on the outside of the garden. He gave humanity the gift of compassion. It's just unfortunate that his flaming sword became a weapon of War.

And then what did he do after that?

Ooooh, yeah, that's right.

God asked him about it and he straight up lied to her and pretended he had no idea where he'd managed to misplace it. She didn't say anything after that. He told Crowley the truth though. He told Crowley the truth even though Crowley fell.

Yeah, we know Aziraphale has done some really fucking questionable things. He and Crowley both suck at passing for human in front of observant people like Nina. They're not human. They are still learning, but they managed to experience human history together despite being on opposite sides and their experiences with humanity are what has shaped them into the compassionate and loving duo they are now. One of them is not better from the other.

This, my friends, is what we call meeting in the middle. It's why shades of gray is so important. Aziraphale constantly breaks the rules. Crowley refused to play by Heaven's rules. It's the reason he fell. He doesn't play by Hell's rules either. These two dorks figured out how to cancel each others' miracles out throughout human history in order to have more time learning about humanity and each other because working all day every day sucks when there are so many new things to learn and experience with the people you love.

We know Crowley and Aziraphale both love each other. Neither of them are good at hiding the hearts stars in their eyes.

But here's what's really fucking annoying about the Aziraphale hate.

Aziraphale was already crying when Crowley grabbed him and kissed him. Aziraphale is trying so very hard to do the right thing. He loves Crowley. He does. But he also has a duty to humanity, and he has taken that job very seriously since the creation of Adam and Eve. He sent them out into the world with a flaming sword so they would have a chance at surviving beyond the walls of the garden.

And he knows that Something Terrible is going to happen and he spent all of second season trying to figure out what that Something Terrible was while trying to have some sort of more honest and open relationship with Crowley, but again, they aren't human, they are a demon and an angel approaching life from opposite sides who met in the middle and fell in love with humanity together.

He wants more than anything to tell Crowley how he feels about him, but he wants to do something grand for Crowley because Crowley has always been grand and dramatic and sexy and a little bit scary.

Crowley is impulsive and has a temper and sometimes says the wrong thing but he has always trusted Aziraphale because Aziraphale gave him a chance even after he fell. Aziraphale chose to shelter him instead of smiting him while they stood on top of that wall. He knew he was supposed to kill Crowley, but oops, he gave his sword away to the humans so he didn't really have anything to kill him with and Crowley is the one who created nebulas. The Pillars of Creation is Crowley's work and Aziraphale was there to witness that, but he watched Crowley more than he watched the nebula. He witnessed the pure joy on Crowley's face when he said "let there be light" as a nebula full of colors exploded before their eyes. He was fascinated by Crowley.

But Aziraphale is going back to Heaven even though he has made it perfectly clear he absolutely has no desire to go back to Heaven. He told the Metatron this during their conversation. He spoke these words out loud. They exist.

But then The Metatron said this....

The Metatron. The very same angel who told Aziraphale in season one "to speak to me is to speak to the Almighty." He's the boss. He's the big guy. He's used to existing as a giant head and he had to give himself a body so he wouldn't stand out on Earth. And he knows that Aziraphale and Crowley have been working together since the beginning. He knows they worked together to prevent Armageddon in season one, and now he's made it clear he knows they were working together long before that. And let's face it, Aziraphale really wants to know what this Something Terrible is that Gabriel is running from so he can try to prevent it from happening.

It makes sense that he would want to take Crowley to Heaven with him because he would be able to keep Hell from getting their hands on him again. Aziraphale hates it in Heaven. He doesn't want to go, but Something Terrible is happening and Metatron isn't taking no for an answer, and maybe Heaven won't be so bad if Crowley is there with him. At least they can fix Heaven together.

But Crowley can't go back. We all get that. We don't blame him for saying no. It doesn't change anything.

Something Terrible is about to happen and Aziraphale has to figure out what it is. He wants to change Heaven.

He is fully aware that Heaven sucks. He still has faith in God. His faith isn't in Heaven. He deserted his platoon in season one and threw himself back to Earth so he could figure out how to make sure the war between Heaven and Hell doesn't happen.

But see, here's the thing. Heaven is at the top. Heaven has all the resources. Heaven is responsible for the creation of Hell. Heaven is empty and Hell is overpopulated. Aziraphale knows this. Crowley knows this. It's obvious every time we see either place. Both sides are desperate to go to war and will not hesitate to destroy humanity in the process. This is the opposite of what Crowley and Aziraphale want for humanity. If anyone can change Heaven, it's Aziraphale. He's the only one up there who gives a shit about humanity as far as we know. No one else is going to speak on humanity's behalf.

Some of us are so busy getting mad at Aziraphale for going back to Heaven and giving Crowley a Big Sad. Newsflash: Crowley is not the main character of Good Omens. Aziraphale and Crowley are equals, yet we wanna hold Aziraphale to higher standards because he's an angel, and when he makes mistakes it's proof that he's the bad guy.

Holy mother of all things that trigger my religious trauma, let me tell you. I spent my entire life hating myself every time I made mistakes. I've had to teach myself that just because I mess up sometimes doesn't mean I'm bad. It means I'm human. I still struggle with it. I probably always will. So when you say that Aziraphale deserves to be punished for breaking Crowley's heart, you not only ignore that Aziraphale's heart is also broken, you're saying he deserves to be punished for doing what he thinks is right.

Wanting to change Heaven for the better is not a bad thing.

And some of y'all wanna see him suffer for going back into the lion's den that is Heaven, knowing that he is already an outcast, that they have already tried to kill him once, knowing that he is a deserter, that he has been lying to Heaven about a lot of things, and you still think he's blinded by Heaven? You think he's just so naive and that's the only reason he's going back. He doesn't show his emotions the same way Crowley does so it means he doesn't care as much. He's expected to consider Crowley's feelings over his own when making choices. Like holy shit if all of that hasn't defined my experience as a woman with religious trauma in this fucking society. He's expected to be subservient to Crowley and if he doesn't do what Crowley wants then he's being unreasonable and illogical.

What the actual fuck, y'all.

Like seriously.

I'm sick of this bullshit. I had to step away from this fandom because of how toxic some people in this fandom are. It's not chasing me away, but the fact that I chose to hang out in a a more toxic fandom that is already notorious for being really toxic over a fandom that claims to be more open-minded and welcoming should probably tell you something.

It gave me a lot of perspective, and yeah, I'm still gonna speak up against the bullshit Aziraphale hate.

People are entitled to their opinions, but the Aziraphale hate isn't an opinion. It's just ableist, misogynistic garbage. At this point we all know y'all say these extreme things about Aziraphale because y'all get more joy out of the harm and alienation it is causing others.

Keep being loudly wrong, but if you think I'm not entitled to challenge shitty-ass, harmful, hateful discourse, bite my ass.

I'm not the one who lost the plot in this fandom.

[joltai-showa]

still thinking about Obito's tendencies to hang upside down so why not talk about something even more funny

now Obito is obviously trolling the Konoha squad in that moment, acting like a complete idiot and weirdo and all, usual stuff for Tobi. Obito is being a weird little bat on purpose, it's all an act

you know who among Akatsuki, a very scary and a totally serious organization, also acted like a weird little bat, but without it all being an act?

allow me to introduce you to the final page of chapter 238

Kishimoto, why is Deidara's first appearance is him being upside down during Akatsuki's zoom meeting?

(which is supposedly the first one in 7 years since Orochimaru ditched them, but whatever, no fucking way these guys can remain semi-organized without a good old online meetup, I do not care for canon's opinion when it conflicts with my funny headcanons)

But seriously, it's been almost 10 years since I read the manga for the first time and there's still no explanation as to why Deidara did that LMAO. Logic dictates that it's simply Kishimoto not finishing up the designs for his new villains (rinnegan's design wasn't finalized until, like, Akatsuki Supression arc, I believe? there's someone TOWERING over Kisame who is 195cm already and at the end of the day remains Akatsuki's tallest member, etc etc), but I've got a PhD in overthinking Naruto details and turning them into shitposts that sometimes also turn into fanfiction, so I will take this one tiny detail and make myself laugh until I cry.

To me this moment is just so precious because it's actually a scene from OG Naruto, meaning that it's pre-timeskip, so Deidara here is only 16. And this just proves to me that Deidara's puberty (there is no exact indicator as to when Deidara was abducted recruited into Akatsuki, but I assume it happened sometime when he was 12, because during his recruitment we see Itachi (and we know that he joined Akatsuki after the massacre, so he was 13 and he's got a 2 year difference with Deidara), Kisame (who, judging by his pre-death flashbacks, joined AFTER Itachi, meaning some time had to have passed since the massacre) and Sasori (who wouldn't have a partner after Itachi joined because Orochimaru just couldn't resist trying to get that Sharingussy, but Akatsuki don't operate on their own in general, so I doubt Sasori would have been left without a partner for a long time, a year max) and during this zoom meeting 16-year-old Deidara speaks like he's very much aligned with Akatsuki's goals and grudges which would be very weird if he joined them against his will just recently, so a year or more would have to pass between Deidara's recruitment and the OG Naruto zoom meeting) was arguably one of the worst things that organization as a whole had to go through because teenage Deidara was JUST BUILT DIFFERENT.

Don't mind the fact that even as an adult he starts tweaking if he doesn't get to explode something every few hours (I would imagine that teenage rage and angst would only exacerbate this issue), but he would also just want to "look cool" and wouldn't listen to anyone in any position of authority AT ALL. Going back to this scene of Akatsuki's zoom call, we can see (and for certain characters assume because once again designs here are kind of wack) that these overly serious members like Pain, Konan, Kakuzu and Sasori are PRESENT and just... don't do anything about Deidara's antics? They just gave up at some point LMAO. And a while ago, I presume.

16-year-old Deidara, proud and puffed up as a lion: You can stay on the ground as boring old men you are, but I'm going to hang upside down today, hm!

Pain, the acting leader of this very serious and lethal organization that for some reason took in a 13-year-old and a 12-year-old because, I dunno, the real leader thought it would be funny, sighing: okay, Deidara...

I also don't believe that it was ever specified how Nagato's zoom jutsu works, but I think Akatsuki's members simply sit in whatever position they want and their projection is different from their actual position which means that. yeah. Deidara does a bat cosplay. because he wants to. baby why are you like that.

but I also like to imagine Deidara actually hanging on the ceiling during the meetup and the gang just going

Pain: Sasori, can't you grab a mop or something and swat him off of there?

Sasori, in the most dead inside voice imaginable: you are not paying me enough to do that. in fact, you would not last a minute in the asylum I'm living in. you can't give me 40 minutes of peace, can you?

honestly props to Onoki for finding a way to both continue using Deidara's skills for his goals (by just fucking paying Akatsuki and calling it a day) and keep the village intact, teenage Deidara just seems like the trial version of what Akatsuki members could expect on their missions. like, if you can't manage the stress of dealing with the (pony)tailed beast, you have no business trying to fight an actual tailed beast.

I'm also thinking that adult Deidara aka Shippuden Deidara would think himself really cringe for doing this shit when he was younger and feels kind of embarrassed in front of the other members (who unfortunately besides Hidan were there to witness his cringe bat phase of growing up in your local terrorist daycare organization), so he's pretty quiet during the zoom meetings when we get properly introduced to him.

That's, of course, until Deidara gets partnered with Tobi.

I can imagine the two of them competing who can last longer hanging upside down and now Pain really can't do anything to stop this bullshit because it's his actual boss and his clueless partner making their own bat nest during their zoom meeting. He just tiredly glances over at Konan who gives him a "I told you Yahiko was right and we shouldn't have joined forces with this guy, but when do you ever listen to me" look.

The gang would be discussing something like Kakuzu and Hidan brutally murdering Asuma (who's Obito's classmate btw and whose mother he already killed a while ago) and trying to steal his corpse to sell for some cash and in the background above them Tobi'll be yelling something like "senpai, watch what I can do" and start turning cartwheels on the ceiling.

tl;dr Obito and Deidara match each other's freak when it comes to doing weird shit for no apparent reason other than to fuck with everyone while on the job. thanks for coming to my TobiTalk

[caffeinemachine]

Life Jacket- Chapter 2

Hi!! Thanks for all the love on the first chapter! Sorry this out later than I expected but I couldn't stop writing and I didn't want to end the chapter at an odd spot.

Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list! Hope you like this chapter!

WC: 4.8K

Conrad Fisher x Eldest Conklin Sibling Reader

Blurb | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

~~~~~~~~~~

The first day always went the same. Unpack, swim, shower, nap, dinner. Sometimes the first bonfire of the season was the first day we got there, other times it was the next day. This year it was the first. So today’s order was, unpack, swim, shower, nap, dinner, get ready, party. 

We all gathered around the table for dinner in our usual spots. My Mom, Belly, and me on one side,  Steven and Jere across from us, then Conrad on the end next to me, and Sussanah on the end next to my Mom. The spots never changed over the years, unless we had guests to squeeze in somewhere. The other thing that never changed was the food. Susannah was an amazing cook. She had taught me to cook over the years. I had spent many hours by her side being her ‘little sous chef’ as she called me. This summer she told me she would show me her old college food recipe hacks. 

I picked my head up from my plate when I heard Jeremiah’s voice, “So Y/n/n when do you leave for school? Do they have the swim team go early?” 

I nodded, quickly swallowing my food so I could answer, “Yeah I have to go early, It's not too bad though only 2 weeks before the regular move-in date. I leave on August 5th.”

Susannah spoke next, “We’re so proud of you, our little fish.” Everyone chuckled at the nickname, ‘little fish’. Susannah had been calling me that for years. 

“So what about you man when do you leave for training camp?” Steven asked Conrad, only he wasn’t the one who answered. Jeremiah did.

“He uh quit football.” Silenced stretched over the table. He what? I stared at him in disbelief, but in my heart, a part of me felt relieved for him. Being a student athlete isn’t easy and I knew Conrad only did football for his father. Sure he still loved the sport, but not enough. 

“What you quit? Why man, I would’ve killed to play college ball?” Steven asked Conrad but again he didn't respond, his mother answered this time. 

“He can always change his mind.” That made Conrad speak up, getting defensive towards his mother in a way I didn't usually see from him.

“I’m not gonna change my mind, I was just gonna sit on the bench all season anyway.” I sat quietly. I didn’t know what to say. Conrad and I bonded over our athleticism over the years, it felt weird to think we didn’t share that similarity anymore. 

I hadn't realized I was staring at him until he looked back at me, our eyes locked and yet I still couldn't move. You'd think it'd be instinct to look away but as he came into focus, we just stared. I tried my best to read him to understand why he might do that, Why would he quit? I knew he didn't love it but he had gone this far with it, What made him change his mind?

There was something unreadable in his expression I didn't think it was regret or nostalgia or sadness or anger but instead some combination of all of it. I wondered why. He looked away first turning his attention to his plate as he picked at the food in front of him. I didn't push him on it, I wasn't sure I'd push him on it later either. I’m sure he had a reason, maybe it’d be best if I just let him tell me if he wanted. 

The rest of dinner continued on like normal on the first night. Catching up, making jokes, and just being happy to be in each other's presence again. Everyone went their separate ways to get ready for the bonfire, and Belly and the moms stayed downstairs preparing for their movie night. Their tradition started a few years ago when Belly was 11, almost 12. That was the first year we went to a bonfire, Conrad and I were 14, and Jeremiah and Steven were 13. The bonfires were different then, we were with the younger crowd still unmixed from the older kids.  It was in the backyard of the house owned by a kid Jeremiah and Conrad knew from sailing camp. Belly was so upset she couldn't come with us. She was too young and we didn't want to have to watch out for her the whole night, or entertain her for that matter. I love my sister and she's gotten a lot better over the years but she loves attention, even though she won't admit it. Having her come meant that I would have to keep her by my side the whole night, that I couldn't mingle with new kids and make new friends. The moms promised to hang out with her that night. They went to the drugstore in town and bought a bunch of candy. Susannah made brownies and they watched a movie, a PG-13 movie which Belly thought was awesome at the time. 

I didn't do too much to get ready for the bonfire, it wasn't anything new, but I still like to look a little bit nice. It was the first time I was seeing everybody for the season after all. My hair was down, air-dried from the shower I took earlier so it had a natural wave to it. A little concealer under my eyes, some mascara, tinted lip balm, and that was that. I put on a tank top and some jean shorts with my navy Cousins Beach sweatshirt on top. It tended to get a little bit chilly on the beach at night. I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyes catching on the shimmer coming from my ears. My pearl earrings, Susannah's pearl earrings. She gave them to me for my 16th birthday just like her mother did and I've treasured them every day since. 

I had to shoo the thought away as I felt myself getting choked up. I exited my room and went down the stairs, slipping on my very worn-in black Converse by the door.  I heard stories of people in college having a designated pair of shoes they called their ‘frat shoes’. This pair of black Converse was that for me over the summer.  They had been covered in sand, soaked from water, and scuffed with dirt, more times than I could count. 

As I finished tying my last lace, the boys walked down the stairs. I sat up, shoes now tied, and patted my knees, “You guys ready to go?”

“Yep let's do this we're taking my car. Y/N you promised to be DD for the night right? Don’t worry though I won’t drink too much anyway, wouldn't want to be hungover for my first day of duty, right Y/ N?” Jeremiah answered.

I laughed, “No Jere, you definitely shouldn't be hungover. Wouldn't look good for me either after I vouched for you to get this job. But yes I’ll be DD.” He laughed with me throwing his arm over my shoulder as we walked to the car. Steven called shotgun which left me and Conrad to sit together in the back. I hated to admit it to myself but he looked good. How someone could pull off a gray hoodie that well I didn't know, but he pulled off a gray hoodie and jeans better than I'd seen ever before. 

The drive was silent in terms of conversation but in the front seat, Jeremiah and Steven were singing their hearts out to Steven's ‘pregame’ playlist off Spotify. I kept my gaze out the window. Partly because I was still taking in the beauty of Cousins, partly because I could look at him. He looked too good and I always had to distance myself from Conrad before parties. I never knew how they’d play out with him. Sometimes he’d just stick close to us, the crew, and have a super fun night hanging out. Usually, that’s what he did when I was at the party with the guys but I’d been told the stories of his playboy party actions when I wasn’t there, and last summer I had gotten a glimpse of it. A girl named Nicole had come up to him and started chatting with him. Within seconds she was quite touchy-feely. Her hand was on his chest or upper arm, even playing with his hair every once in a while. I had whispered into Jere’s ear who was between me and the horny fest, “Who’s that?” 

Jere took a quick glance over his shoulder and then whispered back, “Nicole, she and Conrad hook up every once in a while.”

I furrowed my brows, “I’ve literally never seen her before.”

“They met at a party last summer when you had left for swim camp, I think her family like only comes out for August.”

I swallowed the information and then excused myself to get a drink. I stole a beer from the kid's fridge and walked back feeling a little bit better now that I had a drink in my hand. But when I looked up to find Nicole on her tiptoes kissing Conrad against the wall, the power of the drink in my hand ceased. I turned back to the kitchen, leaning against the counter by myself for a few minutes. I had my focus down on my hands when I suddenly looked up at the sound of the refrigerator doors flying open. It was her. She was seemingly grabbing a beer from the fridge the same way I had been just a second ago. I expected her to walk back out to Connie, but instead, she stationed herself on the counter, so I took that as my sign to walk back. It was the first, and only time since I had seen Conrad's fuck-boy behavior, but the stories continued, and I never let myself feel unprepared for the chance I might see it again.

Now sitting in the car with him I did just that as I watched the houses go by. The streets are littered with beautiful bloomed hydrangeas. Suddenly, my hair was pushed behind my ear. I turned my head as his hand draped its way down from my ear to the ends of my hair. His face was soft but I could see the dimples around his smile starting to crease. I shifted in my seat, nervous with his attention on me. 

“W-what are you doing?” I spoke lowly. Not that it mattered, Jere and Steven had no chance of hearing over our screaming.

“You’re hiding.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. And it left me speechless. “Your hair is always so soft, you’d think after years of chlorine that wouldn’t be the case.” 

That eased the tension a little, as the corner of my mouth turned up. “Well, that's because I wear one of those swim caps.”

He laughed, “I’d pay to have a picture of that.” 

I laughed with him, “Don’t say that to my mom 'cause she’d easily take your money for an exchange.” 

“Let's go!” Jeremiah shouted, exiting the car along with my brother. I hadn't realized we had stopped.

I looked over my shoulder to see Conrad hadn’t moved. His eyes looked at me like he was observing my soul. I held my breath. As if not breathing would help ease the bubbles floating around in my chest. 

I couldn’t bear it.

With an awkward laugh, I scooted out of the car and jogged over to Jere and Steven. I didn’t want to walk down alone. I knew the boys wouldn’t stay by my side the whole night, they’d go do other things within the first hour, but I liked to hold onto them for as long as I could. I didn’t mind the girls I’d met with the guys here over the years, but we were never that close. Nicole, Dara, Gigi, Marisa, and Shayla, we’d all lose contact over the school year. I also knew some people who weren’t from that crew. Some of them I knew from the swim club I used to do at the Country Club when I was little under the Fisher’s name. I wasn’t exactly supposed to be in the club seeing as I wasn’t truly a member but Susannah had a way of getting people to do what she wanted. Kindness can be blinding. The club was mostly made up of little boys, there were only 3 of us girls, Sydney, Ally, and me. Sydney was a nice girl. She was super smart, and ambitous, she’s set to start at Princeton for business in the Fall. Ally, I remained better friends with as we grew up. She was a dedicated swimmer like me so we even ran into each other sometimes during the school year at competitions. Ally was a total sweetheart, but she liked to have fun. She was easy to hang out with, she understood. I hoped they were here, I had forgotten to text them when I got to Cousins.

The fire wasn’t too crazy, they had to be careful not to draw too much attention from the cops. A big crowd of people had already formed though and it was only 9:30. I grabbed a cola from the cooler as I said hello to everyone coming up to us. Chit-chat was made with numerous people, and I couldn’t help but feel these conversations were really competitions for these kids. It was like every comment had to be a one-up to the one previous.

It was around 10:30 when a hand plopped down on my shoulder abruptly.  I assumed it was one of the guys but then he came into my eyeline, Peter Millington. 

“Yooo Y/N what's good?” He said a little slurred. As he moved to stand in front of me his hand dropped from my shoulder. 

“Hey Peter,” I laughed. Peter was a good guy, he was flirty but it was harmless. Annoying, but harmless. I met him at the swim club when we were 10. 

“So miss big shot where you heading this fall?  I’m sure schools across the country were practically begging outside your front door!” 

I laughed, “I won’t deny that, but I’m actually not going far. I’m gonna be going to Harvard.” His mouth hung open.

“No shit.”

“Yes, shit. How about you, still swimming?” 

He shook his head, “Nah nah, I’m trying to be a sports agent, I’ll be going to Penn State.”

“That’s great, congrats.” I smiled at him. 

He pointed at me a big smirk spreading across his face, “Yeah so you better remember me when you go all famous.” He finished his statement by slightly hitting the side of my arm. 

“You got it Pete, I won’t forget you-”

“Belly what the fuck!” My head snapped and my jaw dropped. I took off over to them. I sort of abandoned Pete but eh, he’ll be fine. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Steven yelled.

I smacked his shoulder once I had run up to them. “Stop yelling! You’re making a scene!” I whisper-shouted at him. 

Then I turned my attention to my baby sister. My baby sister, who wasn’t supposed to be here. My baby sister, who was just talking to a man 5 years older than her. My baby sister, who chose to wear a tiny skin-tight pink mini dress. My clueless, trouble-causing, baby sister. 

“What are you doing here?” I asked her as calmly as I could. 

“What I can’t go to a party?” She bit back defensively.

Excuse me? She didn’t get to give me shit for being concerned when she's the one who showed up out of the blue. I scoffed, “Did I say that?”

“What are you even wearing Belly we are on the beach why would you-“ 

“Steven. Knock it off. Go hang out with Shayla.” This was getting too aggravating. Steven was instigating too much, he must have already pissed Belly off by the time I ran up and now I had to deal with it.

“Did Taylor tell you to wear that or something?” I asked Belly, trying my best to figure out what was going on without having to have an argument in the middle of a party. 

“Why can’t I just dress nicely without being questioned?” Why the hell was she being so defensive? 

 “Again did I say that?” I couldn’t hold back the bite to my tone.

She rolled her eyes before looking at me. But then her gaze sharply caught something over my shoulder. I turned to look. Jeremiah. Drunk off his ass. Standing next to the fire trying to strip and go skinny dipping. He had already stripped off his sweatshirt, shirt, shoes, and socks. 

“Great.” I scoffed, running over to my now 2nd problem of the night. 

When he saw me running over he smiled brightly, “Y/N! We are going swimming come on! OH MY GOSH Belly! You’re here! You come too!”

Belly laughed beside me and I would’ve thrown a dirty look her way if I had the energy to spare. 

“No. No one is going swimming. It’s pitch black, the rip currents are crazy, and you are wasted. That’s all recipe for disaster.” I said authoritatively. 

Jeremiah pouted. “Please?”

“No. Now put your clothes on.” 

“Booooo.” Was he serious? He swayed as he re-dressed, his shirt blocking his vision. Good god.

“And get rid of the drink Jere, You’ve had enough.” 

“Ughhh fine party pooper.” Before I could stop him he threw his drink into the fire. 

“Jere-” The fire grew, a blaze lighting the beach. Shouts were heard as other drunk idiots followed Jeremiah’s lead and fueled the fire. “I can’t with this, Jere hang out with Belly.”

He smiled at that, “Alright come here belly button sit with me by the fire.” She giggled and obliged.

I took a deep breath, my feet taking me to the shoreline without even thinking. I needed to calm down. The chaos was overwhelming. I sat down on the sand a few feet away from where the water reached. The breeze flowed against me and I felt my mind begin to ease. This. This is why I always loved Cousins. I will never feel as at peace as I do when I’m next to the ocean. Water just calmed me down. I was the little fish. 

I hoped that would never change. I hoped I would always be the little fish, no matter how big or how small the pond. No matter what happened down the line, the peace I felt by the water would never be disturbed. I’d always be, as Susannah so deemed me, a little fish. 

I felt a plop next to me in the sand. I knew who it was without even looking, I could simply feel his energy. It was Conrad. He looked out on the water as he placed whatever drink he had in his hand down next to him. I kept my gaze out on the water as well. It felt good to just sit with somebody. With him. 

“So you go around telling everybody you’re going to Harvard?” He said, slight humor in his tone.

I sighed, “I mean only when anyone asked.”

“No shouting from the rooftops?” 

“No shouting from the rooftops. I’m not a big bragger.” I snickered, and so did he.

“You? Please! You have always been humble but you never shied away from sharing your accomplishments. You should be proud of yourself, it’s a big deal.” I just shrugged in response.

“I’m proud of you.” I looked at him then. His eyes were full of sincerity. I don’t think he knew how much that meant to hear. I caught his eyes flicking to my lips. 

Wait what-

He was looking at my lips and when he looked back up his eyes shone with vulnerability. I couldn’t help myself when my eyes dipped down to look at his. I imagined what it’d be like to kiss him. His soft pillowy lips moving against my own. I wondered where he’d put his hands. He seemed like the type of guy to cup the back of your head. I’d feel the weight of his hand as he pulled me into him like he was desperate for our connection. Maybe one hand would fall to my hips or my thigh, acting like an anchor. 

I couldn’t let my mind wander too far. Lord knows where that would lead. When our eyes met the tension was unmistakable. I couldn’t. I couldn’t let myself fall into him. I’d never stand back up. 

“Stella? Alright, thanks man!” 

Spell broken. Peter had just snatched Conrad’s beer from its spot between us and was taking a big slug of it. 

“Pete what the hell?” I said, standing up from my seat on the sand. 

“Dude give me my beer back.” Conrad stood up as well, Pete was standing between us. 

“Whaaaat? You weren’t even drinking it man! It was just- you know just sitting there and all the- all the other Stella’s are gone.” He was plastered. I felt my chest sink. This isn’t gonna go well.

“I don’t give a fuck if there aren’t any left, that one is mine now give it back to me.” Conrad defended.

“Connie come on-” 

“It’s just a beer man.” Pete turned to face primarily towards Conrad. 

“Exactly, so give me my beer back and get yourself your own.” 

“No.”

“Pete come on you definitely don’t need another drink.” I approached him, going to put my hand down on his shoulder to try and calm him down. Then just as I did he rolled back his elbow saying,

“Oh fuck off.”

I fell to the ground. His elbow collided right with my ear and the side of my face. Well, that hurt like a bitch. I’ll have a black eye on my first day back to work. Awesome.

“Y/N-“

I kept my eyes clenched shut for a minute before I felt a hand come to my shoulder, it was Belly and Jeremiah helping me up. My ears rang for a minutes before clearing. I watched as Steven and Jere broke up the fight. 

Conrad looked at me as Steven pulled him back. I shook my head and looked away. Actually, I looked right at the flashing blue and red lights now coming from the top of the dunes. Cops, awesome. 

“Enough!” I snapped everyone out of it, “Let’s go! Come on!”

I grabbed Belly’s hand as we ran up to the car, glancing over my shoulder quickly to make sure the boys were behind us. 

“Jere keys!” I caught the keys as he tossed them to me, unlocking the car doors. “In! Now!”

I started the car, a scowl on my face. My head felt like it was vibrating but it wasn’t like any of them could drive with their intoxication level. I couldn’t believe them. How on earth did they think it was appropriate to act like this?  I kept my eyes on the road, but I was sure they could feel the anger radiating off of me. 

“Y/N look I-“ Steven started but I cut him off.

“I don’t wanna hear it.” 

Then Jeremiah came in, “We didn’t mean to-“

“I said I don’t wanna hear it! Unless you want me to hit a drunk teenager stumbling home, you’ll shut up and listen to me! I’m distracted enough by the pinging in my head.” 

They were silent after that. 

I was mad and I had plenty of reason to be. I had been in this position with my sibling plenty of times, a few with Jeremiah, but never Conrad. I knew he started fights occasionally, but never with me around. 

I pulled into the driveway and parked the car. Then I child-locked in all those mother fuckers. I unblocked my seatbelt and positioned myself to be able to see them all. Steven and Jere struggled to open the doors while Belly sat in the middle confused. To my surprise Conrad just sat in his seat, his focus down in his lap, he made no objections. Once the three backseat idiots figured it out they looked to me expectantly. 

I raised my brows, “What you thought just cause I didn’t want you distracting me while driving you were gonna be off the hook?”

“Y/N what do you even care? You’re not our mom.” Belly said, rolling her eyes.

She only fueled my anger, “Yeah no shit I’m not 'cause Mom wouldn’t have put up with even an ounce of the crap you guys pulled tonight. Do you think I like playing mommy? Do you think I wouldn’t have rathered to enjoy the first night of my summer stress-free? You are lucky I’m a good sister, 'cause I could so easily walk inside and tell Mom everything that went down tonight. Then maybe you’d realize that having you deal with me instead of mom, is me being nice.”  I watched my sibling's attitudes deflate. Jeremiah on the other hand was sitting there trying and failing to hide the smirk from his face. “What’s so funny Jeremiah? Do you think I’m not talking to you too right now? All of you put me in bad positions tonight because of how you acted. ”

Jeremiah chimed in again, “We weren’t that bad.”

My jaw dropped, “Not that bad? Let’s see who should I start with. How about you Jeremiah, I stopped you from getting naked in front of every teenager in cousins, potentially drowning and killing yourself, and even after I did that you acted like an idiot! Throwing alcohol into the fire, you’re probably the reason the cops came! Oh and just the cherry on top, the fact that you’re wasted after promising me you wouldn’t be.” He was quiet now. 

“Steven had to cause a whole scene, but I’m not even that mad at him because he was right to be questioning you Bells! How the hell did you even get there?”  

She peeked up sheepishly, “I walked.” 

“You walked? Belly do the Moms even know you came to the bonfire?”

“No, I snuck out.”  She spoke in a quiet tone.

“Jesus Bells! If you had just told me you wanted to come I would’ve vouched for you. For god sake, I would’ve given you a ride!” My head pounded. I rubbed my forehead trying to ease the pain, I needed some advil. “You guys can’t act like that. It’s dangerous, and quite frankly embarrassing. I’m just- I’m done dealing with it.” I took a breath and unlocked the doors, “Go inside guys. Go to sleep.” I sat forward with my head in my hands. I heard the doors open and close as they got out without a word. 

Except he didn’t. I didn’t look over at him. I honestly didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t know how I felt at the moment. 

“Are you ok? Is your head alright?” He had worry in his voice and I couldn’t help but feel a flutter in my heart. 

“I have a headache and I’ll probably wake up to a huge bruise on my cheek but I’m fine.”

“How come you’re not mad at me too?”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t mad at you.” I felt his eyes on me the whole time but mine stayed forward at the house. 

“You didn’t yell at me like everyone else.”

“Because I didn’t know what to say to you not because I’m not mad at you.”

A beat passed. Just us sitting in the car before he spoke up again, “I’m so sorry you got hurt, Pete was plastered-“

“You could’ve just let him have the beer.”

“Y/N I wasn’t going to-“

“Look it’s been a long night, just- just go to bed Con.” I grabbed the keys and left the car. I hadn’t looked at him once and I didn’t look back at him.  I couldn’t. I don’t even think I was truly mad at him, I mean it was Pete’s fault, not his. I was more overwhelmed with tonight’s events and I didn’t have the energy to unpack anything right now. My head was pounding and I needed to lay down. Work would be a nightmare tomorrow morning. 

I went straight into the shower when I got inside. I gave myself a quick rinse. Susannah always stoked our bathroom with luxurious bath products for me and Belly. But I know Steven liked it too.

I walked into my room and plopped right down onto my bed. Man, it was soft, and it only seemed softer after a hard night. 

I went to grab my phone when I saw it. A water bottle, advil, an ice pack, and a cookie, sitting on my bedside table, and I most certainly didn’t put it there. I knew who did. I knew it was him, and I could feel myself smile a little. I felt myself forgive him, he was hard to stay mad at. He wouldn’t mention it, I probably wouldn’t either, but we knew that we knew. That was enough. 

For now.

~~~~~~~

Tag list:

@mid-80s @geekinthefuschiahair @paytonloiselle

[yeloenk]

Not a traditional request, but I'm curious to see how your art is formed and what your process is. It's so cool that your art is similar to comyet's!! I always wondered what other people in their newer artstyle would look like but they only ever drew Ink. I guess now I have a chance :D

Drink water and i hope you have a good day!!!

this is a really interesting request!! thank you for asking, actually! i like questions like these :-D

i'll start by explaining my personal art process—how i, 12-year-old me started out, and then explain how i got where i am with my art today! buckle up, because this will probably be a lengthy post :-)

The Progression of my Art

my first ever art posted online was at the beginning of 2020, when quarantine first hit. i had always had a knack for art; doodling in class, making OCs, etcetc. however, when i heard about undertale through a friend, that's when i really started to take things serious.

i did all the things kids do when they first find out about undertale—i watched countless comic dubs, animation memes, looked up fanart, etc. i first started my real art journey when i began making fanart for undertale and the AUs. this is why undertale is so special to me, and why i have loved it for so long! it has fueled my creativity for almost five years now.

this is the first fanart i ever had done. i posted it on amino sometime in may.

i was SO so proud of this piece. i showed it to my friends & family, and then decided to show people online! this was my first big milestone as an artist.

as time went on, i improved more and more, creating countless UT AU artworks in my spare time. and it was all because of the people who were kind and supportive of my art! the UTAU amino will always hold a special place in my heart, because of the positive experience i had. the positive feedback i got is what drove me to really want to start improving my skills and become a better artist like the ones i looked up to 💛 this is why it's so important to be kind to beginners. even if their art isn't the best at first, you bet your asses it'll be in the next few years!!

SO! i drew and improved, really just trying to find my own style that i liked. i had always loved ink sans, and that prompted me to look into his creator's artwork around late 2022-early 2023. i followed her instagram, and at first, just admired her work from afar.

then, i tried out replicating her style! this is the first piece i ever drew inspired by mye! i made this last fall, in 2023.

after that, i tried to find my own style some more, leaving the lineless style behind. but, in may of this year—2024—myebi decided to hold a DTIYs, and that's when i decided to replicate her style!

i know, i know, kinda defeats the whole "draw this in your own style" thing... but i had been wanting to try and replicate their style for quite some time, and i saw this as a perfect opportunity to try it out!

this is myebi's OC, aheran, that i drew for the contest !! it isn't exactly like her style, obviously, since i didn't want it to be too similar and weird mye out. however, i did replicate the lineless style, the grain textures, and the shading style as best i could. i also played around with shape language.

this piece was SO fun to do, and i did end up earning an honorable mention!

this was also my first post on instagram. after this, i started to draw all my art in a style inspired off mye's!

How do I draw in Comyet/Myebi's style?

here is where i'll be answering your question: what does my process look like when I'm replicating myebi's style?

i'll try my best to break it down into seperate steps that i usually take!

1. References!

References, references, references! References are the most important thing you need when trying to replicate something specific. I am currently at a point in my style where I do not usually need references, but you bet I used them big time when I first began to replicate mye's style!

Personally, I believe her instagram (@mye_bi) is the best place to get recent refs of her style! It's the social they post most often on. For Undertale specific references, I gathered them from her Tumblr (@/comyet) because her insta doesn't have Undertale related art. You may have to scroll a bit, but you'll find it on her blog!

I also have some niche references from other online sources, but I had to dig quite a bit for them. You don't need to be that thorough lmao

all art by myebi/comyet!

2. Sketching

After I gather references, I start with a sketch! Really, it's just taking a bunch of references and finding things you like/need to replicate in your piece. If there isn't a reference for something you are trying to draw, then the best you can do is guess! I have to make guesses on how Myebi would draw something all the time, because I draw a wide range of different characters. It's all about experimenting and doing your best!

sketch by me, ink reference by @/comyet, error reference by @/loverofpiggies

3. Coloring over the sketch

After I finish the sketch, I go straight over it with all my base colors! I typically do everything on seperate layers, which procreate... hates. I use a lot of layers.

And, to finish off, I really just add details! Lines, textures, shading, etc. I can't quite explain how I do it—I just go off Myebi's style!

Finding the right brushes

I have spent a long time trying to find brushes that best replicate Myebi's style, and the one I linked below is the best I've been able to find! It's the pack I use right now.

I use Weak Pencil 3 for any lineart I do, I use Fine Pencil 2 for color blocking, and Weak Pencil 4 for the grainy textures/shading :-)

The pack does cost a bit of money, but unfortunately, I haven't been able to find a free brush pack that gets the job done quite the same!

and that's all there is to it! i hope this answers your question and gives you some insight on how i make my art :-D

DISCLAIMER: i am not attempting to be a "myebi 2.0" or anything like that. i simply really enjoy how their style looks, and i enjoy drawing in a similar style! i mean absolutely NO ill intent towards mye—she is my biggest inspiration, and i will always have the most amount of respect and admiration for them and her work. 💛

[larluce]

If all the Arthurs I created met each other

There's already a post with my Merlins meeting too here ➡︎ LINK

Arthur from "The Dragonlord's son series"🐉: I'm just saying, my Merlin is better than yours.

Arthur from my "Merlin as a familiar/shapeshifter falcon AU" 🦅: No, mine is better! He can shapeshift!

Arthur from my "Time travel AU" 🕐: (laughs) They all can shapeshift, boy. Don't believe yourself special.

Arthur 🦅: Don't call me boy! I'm 18! 😡

Arthur 🐉: So? We're in our 20's (pointing himself and Arthur🕐). We're older than you.

Arthur 🕐: I'm actually 40.

Arthur 🐉: What?!😨 But you don't look like 40.

Arthur 🕐: Well no, my body is 20 but my mind is 40. It's a long story.

12 year old Arthur from "From the grave to the cradle" ⛏️: (enters) Sorry, I was milking the cows. What did I miss?

Arthur 🦅: (pointing at Arthur ⛏️) See! That's a boy! (happy) I'm not the youngest anymore! Wait... (looks at Arthur ⛏️, confused) Did you say "milking the cows"?

Arthur ⛏️: Yes, I'm a farmer.

Arthur 🐉, Arthur 🦅 and Arthur 🕐: (shout, very surprised) A FARMER?!😱

Arthur ⛏️: (defensively, crossing his arms) Yes, and I'm very proud of it! 😠 What are you anyway?

Arthur 🐉: The prince.

Arthur 🦅: Me too.

Arthur 🕐: We're all princes, little one.

Arthur ⛏️: (shocked) I'm the only one who isn't royalty? (pouts) Awww, that's not fair. ☹️

Arthur 🐉: (kind of sad) Wait, does this mean Merlin is never going to be your servant?

Arthur ⛏️: (shouts, escandalised) Merlin is your servant?! 😨

Arthur 🐉: (relieved) Oh, so you do know each other. Good.

Arthur ⛏️: It is not!😠 How can you have your friend as your servant? That's horrible!

Arthur 🦅: Well, tecnically, in my case he isn't my servant, he's my pet.

Arthur ⛏️: WHAT?! 😱😡

Arthur 🦅: I mean... half-animal friend companion? 😅

Arthur 🕐: (To Arthur 🦅) You're not helping your case. (To Arthur ⛏️) I'm really curious, how did you became friends with Merlin?

Arthur ⛏️: (smiles) Oh, we've been friends since forever. We live in the same village.

Arthur 🕐: Which is?

Arthur ⛏️: Ealdor.

Arthur 🕐: (realising what happened to this Arthur) Oh, boy...

Arthur 🦅: (still confused) But... but you're from Camelot.

Arthur ⛏️: (ofended) No! I'm from Essetir. I would never associate with the likes from Camelot. They kill people like Merlin for sport! They are murderers!

Arthur 🐉: (starting to understand, increasingly disturbed) Arthur... Who are your parents?

Arthur ⛏️: Hector and Adeline from Ealdor, why?

Arthur 🦅: Those are not-

Arthur 🕐: (covers Arthur 🦅 mouth quickly)

Arthur ⛏️: (a little sad) I know they are not really my parents, but they adopted me when the real ones abandoned me as a baby. So I love them as if they were. (smiles brigthly) I wouldn't change them for anything, even if they are not royalty as yours. So the king of Essetir adopted you instead? That's so cool! Even if you have your friends as your servants.😊

Arthur 🐉: ...

Arthur 🕐: ...

Arthur 🦅: I'm going to tell him.

Arthur 🐉 and Arthur 🕐: Don't you dare! 😡

....

I reached 300 followers today, guys! Thank you so much! 🤧 I love you all 💕

[whentherewerebicycles]

my baby is six months old today!!! he’s been alive for half a year!!!!! it somehow feels both like he's been in my life forever and like i just gave birth days ago. I love him so much it makes me feel a little frantic sometimes. he is down for his first nap now and I can hear him in his crib grumbling to himself about the terrible indignities they subject sweet little babies to these days (chief among them being wrapped in blankets in a soft little sleeping bag in a cozy warm room for a nice restorative nap).

I think I want to journal a bit today—six things about the baby + six thoughts about my experience of parenting thus far. baby first!

well i mean. he is just perfect. he is just the best little guy ever. all babies are the best little guy ever but he is MY best little guy you know? i love him so much. what is his personality like? i would say he has definitely retained something of the watchfulness and slight reserve he had as a newborn. he has these huge dark eyes and he studies things very intently and in general likes to Observe the Situation before wading in. but he is, so far, not especially shy? the stranger danger phase has not set in yet so he enjoys being held by a wide range of people and will warm up to new faces after a bit, especially if they make silly expressions at him or sing to him. he also definitely has His People, who he is not reserved with at all. the second my sister walks in he starts kicking his legs furiously and babbling to her to get her to come over and talk to him. he looooves my mom and is way snugglier with her than anyone else. he adores his primary babysitters (his nanny + liz's husband A) and is sooo chatty with them. he was slow to smile (liz's baby was beaming at everybody from like five weeks on but i don't think O was smiling regularly until about 12 weeks) and he is still pretty selective with them (strangers do NOT get smiles unless they make a very silly surprising noise). but his general temperament is just like… he’s a calm, even-keeled, good-natured little guy who is down for pretty much whatever. this kid can hang.

he is REALLY good at independent play. if he's fed and changed he can pretty much entertain himself for 45-60 min at a time without any input from me. he just kicks around on his mat and plays with his toys. in the morning he wakes up around 6:30 but the family does not get up until 7:20 and he will just hang out in his crib making his hands dance in the air and chattering happily to himself. i think this is probably like 80% inborn temperament... my mom says i was the exact same way as a baby, just like totally content to chill and think and talk to myself. but i think maybe 20% of it is also things i consciously did to encourage this from about four weeks on and i am proud of that! i think one of the qualities i like best in myself is that i have a high tolerance for boredom because i can just get lost in my thoughts/imagination. as long as i have something to think about or some imaginary situation to play out in my head i am content. i really want that for him too! idk more thoughts about this when i journal about parenting lol. but i appreciate that he doesn't have to be entertained 24/7 (at least at this age). he is content to just be on his own or just be in the room watching people do other stuff.

obviously i adored him from the start lol but i would say that four months marked a big turning point in terms of how much fun he was to hang out with. he just started seeming so much more alert and engaged around then. and then this last five to six months span of time has just been SO fun. he's fully a little person. he has preferences and opinions and favorite toys and favorite people and favorite animals (ruthie). he is learning ALL the time. you can see him puzzling things out and beginning to develop a rudimentary understanding of cause and effect. right now, like in the past week or so, he is extremely into TEXTURES. he must scritch-scratch absolutely everything with his little baby nails. he is obsessed with his "baby paper" (crinkly paper) and he is much more open to tummy time now mainly because it allows him to scritch-scratch all the different quilts we use as playmats. he likes to scritch-scratch the glass when i take him to the window in the morning to show him his friends the trees, and if there is any kind of graphic on my t-shirts he MUST scratch the edges of it. and he does all of this with a look of total focus lol this kid is LOCKED IN on scritch-scratching.

he laughs so much these days. he also seems to have figured out that people react positively and often rush over to engage with him when he laughs, so sometimes if i'm on the other side of the room and he wants me to pay attention to him he will just do this "huh-huh-HAH-HA! HA!" belly laugh so i'll come over and make silly faces at him. i do pretty much nonstop funny accents and comedy bits for him and i'd say i get a laugh 50% of the time... the other 50% of the time he just gives me this wide-eyed look that clearly says "ok... this lady is nutso and i seem to be trapped in her care... i need to proceed carefully here..." which is also very funny.

he is really into being gently manhandled right now haha. i think it is probably related to developing proprioception? but he loves to be "flying baby" (where you lift him over your head and zoom him around like an airplane) and he loves being a pendulum in a giant clock (where you hold him under his arms and swing his body back and forth as you lift him up and down) and he REALLY loves it when you wrap him up in your arms and roll into a ball and roll over and over a bunch of times. also it delights him when you play-wrestle with him and tickle him even though he cannot yet really wrestle back lol. bonus points if you also growl at him and pretend you are going to eat him up... that's a big hit right now. when i was a kid my dad would wrestle with us all the time and pretend to be a bear chasing us around the house on all fours and let us ride on his back and stuff and it was so much fun. so far it is also pretty fun for the grownup lol i feel like it's a great way to get some silly energy out. but also i think i need to start lifting weights lol because this kid is already so heavy and i want to be able to keep tossing him around and wrestling with him when he's even bigger!!

on a related note: he is getting much stronger!! he is a big boy (as of today: 75th percentile for weight, 98th percentile for height, and wearing 12 month clothes). some of the physical milestones have been challenging for him because he weighs a lot and has a big ol noggin, so it's a lot of work to lift/maneuver his body. but he is rolling over pretty regularly and happily now, and in the last day or two he's started pushing up on his hands a little when he's on his tummy which was the big tummy time milestone he hadn't hit yet. he can also sit up with hip support and is starting to brace himself on his hands while sitting. the contrast with my nephew has been so funny to watch... my nephew is two and a half months older and is the tiniest, springiest little guy, so it's a lot easier for him to monkey around lol. but my nephew also just has this truly nonstop internal motor that seems to drive him to MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE at all times. my baby uhh does not have that motor lol. he finds my nephew's frenetic energy a little overwhelming and is like actually i would prefer to lounge around here on my mat scritch-scratching a quilt, thank you. truly my child lol. why "move around" when you could instead sit in one place daydreaming. it's funny to watch them together and just be like ohhh kids are SO different there's such a wide spectrum of normal.

ok there are six things!!! some other rapidfire facts just for my files: he is still quite gloriously bald but he's started getting hair! no eyebrows yet though lol and no sign that they are on the horizon. he loves taking baths with me except maybe "loves" is the wrong word... he takes bathtime deathly seriously because it is Water Kicking Time and he was put on this earth to Kick Water. so bathtimes are training sessions... he does not smile at ALL during baths he is too Locked In, but he screams and screams when you try to take him out because he was STILL TRAINING. his eyes still have a little bit of that newborn dark blue left but are mostly dark brown now with perhaps the barest hint of hazel. he is really into music and will go into a trance state when you sing to him or play instruments for him. he loves to chomp on his toys. he used to "kiss" your cheek but now just wants to nom nom nom on your face. his cheeks get so rosy when he's worked up or chilly or excited. he is transfixed by his own hands. he does this sharp startled little inhale when something surprises him. he can now take his pacifier out of his mouth and sometimes put it back in (i'd say we have a 20% success rate of getting the pacifier back in the right way). he is almost always a perfect sleeper although we had a little rough patch last night so i'm holding my breath hoping he's not about to have some kind of regression. he loves to kvetch and has mastered the fine art of lowgrade grumbling and complaining. he is teething and so there is a lot of drool everywhere all the time. he likes to hold his board books while i read to him i think it makes him feel important and involved lol. he is very soft and warm and smells good. he loves to snuggle in the big bed with mom. he is the best. he is just the best!!! i am the luckiest person in the world. i love him so much and i love being his mom. what a good baby!!!

[archaiclumina]

I am sappy atm and this post will likely not stay up forever, because I am nothing if not notoriously fickle about sharing facts about my life with the old world wide web. But, I miss my brother and I wanna talk about him. The rest is under the cut <3 to avoid upsetting folks. tw include cancer and death

I truly do believe the dead only die when we forget to remember them. And while I remember my brother all the time, I rarely talk about him with strangers on the internet. But today, I want to. So I will tell you a bit about my brother, and share some of my family photos with you all!

People in my day to day life, and a few online friends who have gotten to know me really well, (and some folks who saw a post kinda like this one but a bit sadder at the start of the month you guys know who you are c':), already know how much I love my brother. He is gone now, but that doesn't stop me loving him at all. I speak of my love for him in present tense, because it didn't die when he did. Nearly every day I see or learn something that I wish I could share with him and tell him about. I wish I could tell him that David Byrne made new music with Montaigne. Or show him the Monster Hunter Rathalos Telecaster that Fender released. I wish I could tell him I got into my PhD! Because life is strange and maybe a little bit ironic, I found out about the approval for my PhD proposal on his birthday this year, so maybe in some strange universal way he does know about these things, even if I can't tell him. I like to think of it that way sometimes and sometimes, it is comforting to think that might be the case. But most of the time I am cold, and hard, and logical. I know my brother doesn't know anything anymore, because he is dead now. In those moments, I remind myself it's my job to learn about the things he loved still, to keep him close in an abstract way. I suppose in another way, it's also my job to tell other people about the things he loved, and the sort of person he was, to keep his memory alive. And I guess that is why I am writing this essay thing right now.

My brothers name was Marco. I used to call him Marcy. When I was 5 I apparently explained to him this was because "Marc" was for short, and "Marcy" was for long c': His friends called him pumpkin seed <3

My brother was 12 years my senior. We didn't really grow up together. Our home life was not great and he was a homeless youth due to those circumstances. But despite our big age gap and the fact neither of us got to spend our childhoods together, we were probably as tight as sibling could be in adulthood. We saw each other regularly, we texted regularly, we went to the movies together, went shopping together, we browsed second hand bookshops and scoured for occult classics from AE Waite, or epic fantasy from Le Guin. We sat on the grass in the park and looked up at the trees and he could tell me their names just by looking. My brothers love for plants is a huge part of why I worked plants into Oli's character concept tbh.

He was the person there for every important milestone. Graduation, birthdays, all that stuff. Funny story, digital cameras didn't exist when I turned sixteen and my bro spent a whole evening snapping pictures of my birthday with the lens cap on c': we don't have any photos from that birthday, but the memory of discovering all the blank photos when we developed them still makes me laugh a lot c: Here's a picture of us the day I graduated from my Masters.

I get emotional to look at it because you can see how happy I am and how proud he is of me. He always told me he was proud of me, I am sure most, if not all, big brothers are like that. And I know he would still be proud of me today if he was around, but gosh, wouldn't I give anything to be able to hear him say it again in the flesh instead of just in my memories. He was so supportive of me, and my dreams, "I never want you to stop writing," he used to say to me, I really wish I could tell him the book I was working on when he was sick is not only going to get read by people, it's going to form an entire academic work on the journey of authorship in the digital age.

When he was dying of pancreatic cancer, he was really adamant he needed to take lots of selfies for us all of him being silly, and joking around, often with silly snap chat filters, so no matter what, we'd remember him that way. Here are some examples of the ones he would send us c':

He was an amazing self taught guitarist. One of my favourite things in the world was listening to him learn a song by ear. He would pluck his way through it, learning the notes perfectly for each bar of the tune. Like my husband, metal was his main love, but he also was eclectic in tastes like me. He loved that "Enter the Ninja" song by Die Antwoord so much it's what we played when they cremated him. We made a playlist together when he was dying so I'd always have music to remember him by and he asked me to put on Betty by Taylor Swift because "it's a nice melody". He was a man of diverse and discerning tastes c':

When he was dying, his muso friends all brought their amps and instruments around, and our neighbours in our apartment complex were all beans who never complained once about the noise. (Obviously we had explained the situ before we let a bunch of metal heads rock up with marshall stacks c': ) Here's a photo of him playing just after the selfie he took during his chemo that I posted above!

He was the best and coolest brother I could have ever asked for. Even though his life was so hard, he was nothing but gentle and compassionate. He taught me how to be kind to others. Please know that every time I am writing a nice tag on your stuff, it's because he showed me how important it is to do that. The way he lived and the way he died taught me to say the kind words, to tell people how you feel, to take chances to connect with others, because time is so, so short, you know?

Sorry to maybe be a bit of a downer to folks, I know it's not great to hear about people dying of cancer. But he was so special to me, and I miss him a lot and it's been four years without his laugh and his jokes, and four years without him telling my husband he is the best cook, and four years without him asking me "where's my zucchini bread!?" (He was a vegetarian for nearly all his life and very fond of zucchini in just about every form you can cook it c': )

My husband knew my brother since he's known me, they were great friends, even before we dated, when we were just neighbours! (yeah my husband used to be my neighbour, but that's another story c': ) My brother and my husband were so tight they used to hang out together when I was living in the USA!

Here's the three of us together in October 2020 at a cool nature spot near where we used to live. He was so sick he couldn't go far from home really, but this place was super close and had a Japanese garden there too, which he loved, because I love Japan. We had a picnic there by the river the day we took this photo, it was about two weeks before we found out the treatment hadn't helped his prognosis and he only had two weeks left. Actually they told him he had a week left, but my brother was a resilient mother fucker and outlived their estimate by an extra seven days!

I know my husband misses him as much as I do. He was like a brother to him too. An unofficial brother-in-law, because he could only be there in spirit on the official day.

Boopoween day was an amazing blessing, I usually spend Halloween looking at photos like these and crying. But for the first time in a long time, I spent the day laughing and feeling connected to the world, instead of all alone with my grief. So thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who indulged all my silly spam boops that day. You really don't know what a gift you gave me. Halloween was our favourite holiday, it's another really strange, and ironic, and hard thing to deal with, that he died on that day. His birthday was October 2nd too, so the whole month is a bit of a write off for me honestly and why I don't spend much of it on socials.

This past few days my husband decided he would put some positivity into the universe and use his talent to do some nice things for people because he thought it was something my bro would have liked, and because it is nice when you're feeling sad to find a way to make someone else smile c: and, It really made both of us smile to see how happy everyone was with his little gifts, so thank you all!

And thank you for reading a little bit about my brother. It was nice for me to share some stuff about him with folks <3

[lattedusks-mochadawns]

BACK IN EDDSWORLD PHASE -

I FINALLY RECOVERED MY TOMEDD SHIP ART I MADE WHEN I WAS IN GRADE 7 (12 yrs old)

Back when I was Milo Mornings.

The quality fucking sucks but AHHH I’M ACTUALLY SO HAPPY. Because (story time) when just got back in my Eddsworld phase almost a week from now, I remembered I made this when I first got into Eddsworld 3 yrs ago, although I never posted it (I recall trying to post it on tumblr, but when deleting it quickly in fear I’d get hate).

So I had it on my old iPad for a good while, then over the years I got a new iPad and gave my old iPad to my brother. Procreate on that old iPad is long gone and even if I did redownload it, it would delete my stuff (I don’t think I backed up my stuff). I recently tried to find it on my old iPad as I know I’d already deleted it a while back from my phone. But today I remembered on my instagram account, I used to text myself photos of my own art, other gacha life stuff and other official arts and fan arts for fandoms. I looked and after a bit of scrolling, I FINALLY FOUND IT. Quality is shit because texting images through Insta ruins the quality. But this is the best quality I can get so far. And honestly, I’m actually quite proud of 12 yr old me’s art, it’s actually a lot better than my other work that same year.

When I get the chance to, I wanna redraw this for 2024 and maybe add some more TomEdd moments.

[readandlisten]

Shouting

Contains content describing a disruptive home, no violence or physical abuse

Once upon a time you looked into my eyes and saw the future,

A grey gaze reflected back, and laughter followed, cut and punctured

The love in your heart grew to hold mine,

But conditions were placed, for a dangerous time

When the laughs came less, and you had to work harder,

The betrayal hit, a fire made with a quick, igniting starter.

Burns felt like blows, and voices turned louder,

There was aggression in every question,

no answer, to maintain your power

And the blame went to me,

Your 12 year old girl,

Being asked to turn her cheek,

And silence the burning rage,

I was told to “just sit there and behave.”

But when the adults acted like children,

And tempers were flaring,

The true adolescent erupts,

Exploding, imploding, not caring

A time bomb that was set,

When her mouth was washed with soap,

No example was around to model respect or give hope

Children are seen and not heard,

But I was too loud.

Attention was stollen,

Given to a different crowd.

And there I sat,

Waiting with angst,

Needing comfort,

And love,

A hug, an embrace

Slowly it came,

When my body began to falter,

Patience returned,

I was placed on an alter.

A place to rest,

Or Sacrifice my body,

The affection came quicker,

But repairs to my heart were quite shoddy

my body healed again,

And Withdrawn was the love,

And patience dissipated,

Pushed out with a shove,

Again she’s too loud,

She has too many needs,

Toughen her up,

It won’t make her bleed

So reality hit,

There’s no way out,

My life would forever be followed by shouts

I’ve accepted my fate,

Made peace with the loud,

Learned to crumple a little less when harsh words are around

I will do better for myself, my children, my spouse,

There will be peace, hope and patience, when I’m in my own house

Until then, I’ll find security in my own mind,

Carve a piece of my heart, to treat myself kind,

I’ll do it day in and day out,

And Once every night,

I love my loud voice, and my brilliant mind,

I deserve to have hugs, and I’ll accept what I get, I’m cared for and valued and will be self confident.

I can do hard things, and the future can change,

Patterns and behaviors don’t have to be the same.

I love my loud voice and my brilliant mind,

I love my body that carry’s this baggage behind, the weight on my shoulders can feel a bit lighter, because when I love myself, I set down the igniter.

I love my loud voice and my brilliant mind,

I love my round belly, and I’m patient, I’m kind, I love the style I choose, my tattoos and my scars,

the loud voices around me, I’ll send them out far, my voice is true, it deserved to be heard, so I’ll say it again, for that 12 year old girl

I love my loud voice and my brilliant mind,

I love my round belly, and I’m patient and kind,

I love the styles I choose, my tattoos and my scars,

I’m proud of myself, I shine like a star,

I love my face, and the smiles it shares,

I know I have empathy and the capacity to care.

I love myself for days when I could not,

I love her yesterday, today and for years- I won’t stop.

[pandenewie]

12 - Our Get-Along-Shirt

Prev | Masterlist | Next

“Would you stop following me? God, it’s just like when we were kids.”

Y/n simply shrugs at Heeseung's words, adjusting their bag on their shoulder as the two walk to Heeseung's next lecture.

“You’re the one who invited me to hang out with you guys.” Y/n points out, earning an eye roll from Heeseung. “You invited yourself, Y/n. Besides, I told the guys that you might be coming - that’s not confirmation.”

“It’s close enough to one. And you saw how excited they were to hear I would be there.” Y/n teases, the playful tone in their voice causing Heeseung to groan as the memory plays through his mind. “Don’t remind me. I would like to remain blissfully unaware that my entire friend group thinks my cousin is hot.”

The two walk in silence for a few more moments before Heeseung realises that Y/n will not be giving up anytime soon. "Don't you have your own classes to go to?" He asks, side-eyeing his cousin. "I only had one this morning so I have all day to annoy you." Y/n teases. 

“Can’t you just go do something else today? I’ll call you when it’s time to leave.” Heeseung attempts to persuade. “You won’t call me.” Y/n deadpans, causing Heeseung to laugh sheepishly at how easily they can read him. “Got me there.” He mumbles.

“Okay, let’s make a deal. I’ll finish up my work here while you go and wait in my apartment. I’ll have to go back there to meet the guys anyway so we won’t leave without you., I promise.” Y/n narrows their eyes as they take in Heeseung’s words, scanning his own for any signs of bluff. With no clear signs of deception, Y/n reluctantly agrees - taking the keys to Heeseung’s apartment and getting out of his hair.

Heeseung’s apartment is very… Heeseung. It’s the first time Y/n’s seen the new place and let’s just say, they were not surprised. Under-decorated, aside from a few pieces that he clearly took from his parent’s house, a shelf dedicated to his growing Lego addiction and far too many shades of blue in a single space. Nothing quite matches… but Y/n supposes that’s expected in the house of a 22-year-old man.

Y/n makes themself at home on the one couch cushion that appears to have been used (a large Heeseung-sized dent giving away his typical spot) and pulls out their phone to buy some time. Heeseung mentioned that he had classes all day today - meaning they will be here for at least a few hours before hearing anything from him.

After helping themself to the food in the kitchen (which consisted of mainly ramen, chips and coke) and playing a few rounds of whatever games they could find in Heeseung’s collection, Y/n flops back down on the couch - completely bored out of their mind. Just as they’re about to take an afternoon nap, a loud knock at the door jolts them upright.

Checking the time, Y/n’s eyebrows furrow. Heeseung’s still got uni for another hour at least and the guys aren’t supposed to be coming over until after he’s done. Another knock sounds through the apartment, followed by a loud shout:

“Open the door, dude. I need to pee!”

Y/n stifles a laugh as they walk to the door, glancing through the keyhole to make sure it is in fact Heeseung’s idiot friends before opening the door. Jake immediately rushes past them, mumbling out some form of greeting before slamming the bathroom door behind him.

“Heeseung isn’t here yet, by the way.” Y/n says as the other two friends walk into the apartment. “Why, where is he?” Sunghoon asks, his brows furrowed in confusion. “Uh… school.” Y/n states the obvious, flopping back down onto the couch. “Yeah, he’s pretty serious about his studies this year, maybe you should give it a go.” Jay laughs, nudging Sunghoon with his shoulder. “Um, no thank you. I’m a c’s get degrees kinda person.” Sunghoon boasts as if what he’s saying is an achievement of sorts. “That’s not something to be proud of.” Jake states as he walks back into the room and takes a seat next to Y/n.

“Anyway, how’s my favourite window-climber?” Jake asks, teasingly resting his arm on the back of the couch behind Y/n. “How do you even know about that? You passed out drunk on Keeho.” Y/n laughs. “Y/n, darling, basically everyone knows.” Sunghoon says, sitting on the only free cushion. “It was like the highlight of the year so far.” Jake laughs.

“So… why did you have to escape from him anyway? Did he try to make a move on you or something?” Sunghoon asks, suggestively wiggling his eyebrows. “And they had to climb out a window? Aw man, that’s tough.” Jake cackles, pointing accusingly at their other friend, who stands unimpressed by the front door.

“Knock it off, guys. You’re gonna make them uncomfortable.” Jay scowls, his words going ignored as the two continue to pester Y/n about the events. “It was nothing like that. I was just drunk and did something stupid - I’m sure you guys know what it’s like.” Y/n says, their gaze pausing on Sunghoon, causing him to scoff in offence. “Why are you looking at me like that? I’ve never done anything stupid in my life.”

The conversation quickly gets interrupted by the sound of Heeseung entering the apartment, looking around confused when he notices the group of people sitting on his couch.

“Um… hi everyone?” He says, clearly puzzled by the situation. Walking into his apartment to see his cousin and three of his best friends sitting on the couch was definitely not what he expected. “I thought you guys were coming later?” He asks. “We wanted to come and hang out early but some loser was in class.” Jake frowns. “That’s you. You’re the loser.” Sunghoon adds as if to clarify. “So you guys just broke into my house instead?” Heeseung asks. “We didn’t break in… Y/n let us in.” Jake blames, pointing at Y/n accusingly. “Not on purpose! I opened the door to tell them to fuck off but then someone ran in to use the bathroom.” Y/n argues back. “Okay, okay, it doesn’t matter. Everyone, just grab your shit and get in the car. Y/n, you’re up front.” Heeseung orders. Jake and Sunghoon burst into a fit of complaints - mainly about Heeseung’s favouritism towards Y/n - but quickly quiet down with a quick glare from Heeseung. This is going to be a long trip.

“Y/n, can you turn up the aircon?”

“Y/n, pass me the aux.”

“Y/n, could you move your seat forward? I’m kinda squished back here…”

“Y/n… could you pass me an M&M?”

Y/n is starting to regret sitting in the front seat. At this rate, they’d rather be squished in the middle than take another stupid request from one of the boys.

Jay’s been oddly quiet. Aside from the times Y/n caught him looking at them through the rearview mirror, he’s spent most of the ride staring silently out the window. Come to think of it, he didn’t say much in Heeseung’s apartment either. Is he really that suspicious of Y/n? They try to think back to the one text conversation they had but nothing seems to stand out as any clear signs for why he’d be avoiding them.

Eventually, Jake and Sunghoon doze off in the back seat - leaving just Heeseung, Jay and Y/n awake in the car. “How long do we have left to drive?” Jay asks, leaning forward to prop his arm on the back of Heeseung’s seat. “Either 20 minutes or an hour.” Heeseung replies, making Y/n’s eyebrows furrow with confusion. “How can it be 20 minutes or an hour? Do you even know where you’re going?” Y/n accuses, causing Heeseung to roll his eyes. “Of course I do. We used to go here all the time. It just depends if the main entrance is still blocked off or not.” Heeseung shrugs, his words only adding to Y/n’s confusion. “What kind of place is this?” They ask, more to themself than anyone else. “Trust us, you’ll love it.” Jay mumbles.

It’s the first thing he’s said directly to Y/n since they left Heeseung’s apartment and judging by the lowness in his volume, Y/n’s not sure if he even wanted them to hear it. They turn back to look at Jay to find that he’s already moved back to his previous position - avoiding eye contact and staring at the passing cars. Y/n glances at Heeseung to see if he’s noticing the strange behaviour but his eyes stay focused on the road. They’ll have to ask him about it later.

Heeseung is a liar. That 20 minutes to an hour quickly turned into an hour and a half. “I haven’t been here in over a year, cut me some slack!” He claimed but the others just chalked it up to him having a bad sense of direction. Finally, just as the sun was beginning to set, the car came to a stop on a gravel road.

“Okay, you guys get out and start walking towards the spot. I’ll park the car so it’s hidden in the bushes and then I’ll join you.” Heeseung instructs. “Is this place illegal or something?” Y/n asks, their eyes wide. “It might technically be private property… but the owners are super old now so they’re never up here.” Jake says, his attempt at reassuring Y/n completely missing. “It’s just better to hide the car for safety reasons, we’re not gonna get in trouble, I promise.” Heeseung says, ruffling Y/n’s hair. They look at him apprehensively before getting out of the car and following the rest of the guys down a ragged path between some of the bushes. A few moments later, Heeseung rejoins the group and they walk for a few more minutes before finally reaching a clearing.

There, in front of them, is a small waterfall flowing into a beautiful freshwater swimming hole. It’s surrounded by an array of different rocks, with one large one that appears to be carved into some sort of diving platform.

“Oh my god… this is gorgeous.” Y/n says, in awe. “Welcome to our number one drinking spot.” Jake says, holding his arms out as if giving a tour of the swimming spot. “Wait, drinking? You’re telling me you idiots mixed alcohol and water?” Y/n asks in disbelief. “It’s fine,” Sunghoon waves them off. “Jay only almost drowned like, twice.” His words earn him a shove from Jay. “Just go get changed, idiot.” He laughs.

The group all split off behind some bushes to get changed into their swimsuits. Once reunited, Jake makes the first move by running and jumping into the cool water - letting out a loud “yahoo” before he gets submerged. “Race you to the top!” Sunghoon exclaims, pointing to the diving rock. He suddenly takes off, running towards the surface with Jay following quickly behind him.

Using this as their chance, Y/n gently pulls on Heeseung’s arm to gain his attention. “Is Jay acting weird to you?” They ask, causing the man to look down at them, puzzled. “What do you mean, weird?” Y/n rolls their eyes at their cousin’s poor observation skills. “Like… he’s basically ignoring me,” They point out. “I think he’s spoken to me maybe twice tonight.” Heeseung laughs at this. “Maybe you scared him off by climbing out his window.” His words earn him a harsh slap on the chest, making him yelp in pain. “That joke’s dead, Hee. And I’m being serious, it’s like he’s completely avoiding me.” With Y/n’s words, Heeseung looks out into the pool - spotting Jake obnoxiously waving the two over. “Maybe he’s just in a shitty mood. I’m sure he’ll talk to you eventually.” He says, giving Y/n a reassuring shoulder squeeze before getting in the water. Y/n sighs, looking back up to where Jay and Sunghoon are jumping off the rocks before joining the boys in the water.

As the group continues to play in the water, Y/n can’t help the way their gaze constantly shifts to Jay. He's the whole reason they're here, after all. Despite a diving competition, a game of water volleyball and being literally sat next to each other for dinner - he has barely looked Y/n's way (aside from a few glances when he thought Y/n wasn't looking.)

Growing tired of it, Y/n takes the chance when Heeseung, Jake and Sunghoon go to start another diving battle. Just as Jay is about to follow after them, Y/n grabs his arm - stopping him in his tracks. With furrowed brows, Jay turns around to look at Y/n.

“What's up?”

It's the first words he's said directly to them all night - and he's so casual about it. Y/n feels like their head is going to explode. 

“What's up? That's the first thing you say to me after ignoring me all night?” Y/n asks. “I haven't been ignoring you, Y/n.” Jay states, simply. “Then what the hell have you been doing?” They ask, beyond confused. Just as Jay opens his mouth to respond, the sound of Jake calling out to the pair interrupts him. “I’m sorry.” Jay sighs, going to join his friends before Y/n can get another word in.

“You coming, Y/n?” Heeseung shouts. “Uh… I think I’ll just watch this one.” Y/n responds, hoping the guys can’t hear the disappointment in their voice.

Throughout the rest of the evening, Heeseung took note of the weird tension between Jay and Y/n. It was obvious that Jay was not going out of his way to talk to Y/n but now, for some reason, Y/n wasn’t trying either. He tried subtly asking how the mini-chat went when Jay, Jake and Sunghoon were arguing over whose roasted marshmallow was the best - only to be met with a small pout and shake of the head.

As everyone begins packing up their belongings and heading back to the car, an idea pops into Heeseung’s head.

“Hey, Jay. Do you mind driving back? I feel like I’m going to pass out.” Heeseung mumbles, stretching his arms above his head as a large, exaggerated yawn escapes his lips. “It’s like 8 pm. What are you, a grandpa?” Jay asks. “Hey, all that swimming took it out of me! Besides, it’s a 2-hour drive. Do you really want me falling asleep behind the wheel?” Heeseung asks.

“Yo, we can cuddle in the back!” Jake exclaims, jumping to wrap his arms around Heeseung and Sunghoon’s shoulders. “I’m taking a window seat!” Sunghoon shouts, pushing his friend off before running to one side of the car. Y/n rolls their eyes at their childishness before moving to get into the passenger seat, pausing awkwardly when their eyes meet Jay’s.

The two watch each other for a moment through the open car door. Like each of them has something to say but can’t find the words to do so.

“Well, are you getting in?” Jay asks. Y/n nods silently, sliding into the passenger seat. Their eyes catch Heeseung’s in the back, him sending a small thumbs up as encouragement, before they turn to close the door.

Merely 20 minutes into the drive, Jay checks the rearview mirror to see all three of his friends passed out in the back. Relaxing slightly at the knowledge that they are asleep, he moves his gaze in Y/n’s direction. Their body is turned away from him, arms crossed as they focus their attention out the window.

“Are you cold?” He breaks the silence. The sun has long set and Y/n’s wet hair must not be helping fight off the night’s chills. “So, we’re talking now?” Y/n scoffs. Jay sighs, reaching forward to turn up the car’s heaters before turning his attention back to the road. It’s silent for a while before Jay speaks again. 

“I’m sorry for ignoring you… I just still can’t get over what happened at my party. I know you said I shouldn’t worry but I can’t help it. It’s like I can’t get you out of my mind for some reason.”

With his confession, Jay turns his attention back to Y/n. They’re still turned away, although he can see their lips curl up into a small smirk at his words. “I don’t mean it like that.” He quickly follows up, the urgency in his voice causing Y/n to finally turn to him. “In what way do you mean it then, Jay?” They ask, voice teasing.

“I… I don't know, you're weird. I just don't get you.” Jay stammers, his odd reason causing Y/n to laugh slightly. “Well, lucky for you, you have plenty of time to figure me out.” They shrug. Jay goes to reply but is interrupted by murmuring from the backseat. He checks the rearview mirror to see Sunghoon shuffling around.

“Can you two shut the fuck up? We're trying to sleep.” He yawns, eyes still closed as he makes himself comfortable against Jake's side. “Sleep sounds good.” Y/n sighs, moving their body to face away from Jay once more. “Try not to kill us.” They mumble over their shoulder, earning an eye roll from Jay. “Yeah, whatever.” He grumbles, watching Y/n out the corner of his eye as they slowly drift off to sleep.

TAG LIST (open): @bringer-ofchaos @yenqa @fakeuwus @mrchweeee @jjongshrts @oldjws @jxp1-t3r @wildflowermooon @sunseeking-cryptid @miniature-tragedy @ashiitex @raginghellfire

[orlissa]

Have you always known you want to be a literary translator?

Lol, no.

I think I've told this story here before, but here it goes, like, from the very beginning.

Ever since I can remember, I've always had a knack for storytelling - I actually had a short story published when I was 11 -, and got into fanfic at 12. Back then, it was only in Hungarian, and at the point like 99% of Hungarian fanfics were Harry Potter. It was like other fandoms didn't exist.

But a year or two later I got into a fandom (X-Men: Evolution) that very little Hungarian following (well, I remember there being a few fics, but really just a few and not the best), so I found myself having to venture to English sites - and what happened is that my "good for school" English got... pretty good. By the time I was 15, I was reading novels in English and trying my hand in writing fics in English (I was shameless, too. I lived in a dorm during my high school years, and I remember I was the only member of an English club there, so I got the teacher holding the club to devote it to editing my fics. Something I would definitely not have the guts to do today). In the next few years, I pretty much transitioned to English fandom places.

Then the summer I turned 17 - that was the age of Twilight, and everything was about vampires - I found a book series that spoke to me: it had vampires and a touch of Wicca, and the main character, at least it was prominently displayed in the blurb, was struggling with Math and paralell parking. My weakest subject was Math and I was struggling to get my license at the time - this book spoke to me. Looking back, the series wasn't... great, but at the time it really hooked me. I read the first four books of the series that summer.

As it happened, when I was reading the first book, it's Hungarian edition was already in the works, coming out in that September. And the publisher had a really good marketing manager at the time, who saw to it that the series had an online forum for the fans. I found this forum maybe a week after it launched, and being my shy and and not at all attention seeking self (*sarcasm*) I pretty soon became a central figure there - so much so that the aforementioned marketing manager soon sought me out and offered me an admin position there.

(It was such a great community, too. We did launch parties, and almost had a camp, which then was thwarted the last minute by the weather. I still have friends from there.)

Anyway, so the forum flourished, books in the series were steadily coming out in Hungarian, and we were having fun. Christmas came, and me being me, I wrote a little fic for my friends on the forum, as a gift (I guess I ended up translating it to English, and I think it's still on my old ff.net account). And the forum being an official one run by the publisher, my little fic got to the marketing manager, who sent it to the owner of the company and the translator of the series. And the translator loved it - like it was just fluffy piece, and apparently he said that it was "better than the original" (which is not a big deal, because, yeah, looking back the series wasn't really quality). I took the praise blushing.

A few months went by and the publication process for the fourth book in the series went underway - only they couldn't contact the person who did the editing of the previous books (later it turned out that they died, but no-one knew thaty yet). And they needed an editor ASAP.

That's when the translator, already a veteran in the business, said that hey, they could try me out. So they offered me a job - I was 17, still in high school, and I had an Adult Job, with actual Adult People. I was fucking proud of myself.

And then we did... 4 or 5 books like that. He translated, I edited. Then when I was nearing my high school graduation and we were heading towards the next book, the translator said that he didn't feel like translating this series anymore, but he would be okay with me translating and him editing. And, well, that's what happened. Like, literally I had my high school leaving exams one week, and was working on the translation the next.

He ended up recommending me to some other publishers as well (I work for neither today, either because they've gone defunct or because I wasn't satisfied with the way I was being treated), and then I was just... there. I had references, and I had connections, and I had a job I could do whenever and wherever I wanted while working on my degree. It definitely beat fast food.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job most of the time, and I think I'm good at it (i just heard it back last week that some bloggers were praising my work at some event), but it was never planned and me being where I am today is absolutely due to some events that were mostly out of my hands.

[uselessbard1031]

Orphaning My Old Work???

Howdy everyone!

I'll keep this short, but I just wanted to hop on and let you all know that today I orphaned some of my old works on Ao3. I've been wanting to do so for over a year now and finally bit the bullet. Yes, this includes my most popular fic "Legend of Korra X Reader Oneshots" (for anyone whose request I didn't get to, I apologize. I bit off way way more than I could chew with that and have over thirty requests and a dozen half finished fics).

Why?

Well, when I started writing fanfiction for Ao3 I was 17/18 years old. I started publishing said fanfiction at 18/19/20 (19? I think?) and I am now in my mid-twenties so...I've changed. Lol. I've grown up.

When I first started writing I was immature and unexperienced with the world. I wrote for characters I never had attraction to myself (Ex. Adult! Toph, Suyin, Korra, Asami) because people asked me to, I saw those characters got hits, and I wanted to be liked online. It was hard because I didn't see them as romantic interests and I feel the writing suffered for that. Even 'I Bought A War Criminal' (another popular fic I wrote) I fell out of love with Kuvira while writing and it had a rushed ending due to that fact.

The X readers in particular had some smut chapters that explored kinks I don't have and truthfully had never even heard of until reading some other fanfictions. I won't get too personal, but, like many of us on here, I was exposed to way too much shit way too soon in my life so I found new edgy smut topics to keep me engaged. I've since dealt with some of that trauma and also experienced more IRL trauma around relationships and sexuality that make me read some stuff I wrote -- and stuff I READ while underage -- (ex. knife play, non-con, etc) and go woah hey who let me have Wattpad at 12 and what kind of effect did that shit have because--??? (I would like to say that being into certain kinks is not bad and I'm not trying to kink shame but to me I was desensitized due to exposure too young to NSFW material and due to some IRL trauma -- reading and writing that was my way to cope without actually working through any issues. An unhealthy way to cope. I didn't know healthy relationships because everyone in my life up to that point had abused me or hurt me in some way or another either intentionally or unintentionally so I figured Ao3 / Wattpad / Fanfic.net smut wasn't 'that bad'. Now, I deal with my trauma in healthier ways and realize it's just not what I'm into. A lot of it I wasn't even into when I wrote it. But I read it, so I wrote it. Even recently with Outlander I wrote wildshape smut not because I was into it but because all the other Jaheira fics had it and I figured hey it will get views. Because yes, smut gets views).

I'm just not proud of the writing quality. The first chapter of that X Reader Oneshots collection switches tenses like a million times. Who let me do that? Lol. I have a published book IRL that I'm taking down too because omg don't let 17 year olds self-publish XD

The point is, I never really wrote much of that stuff for me. I wrote it to get views. To get comments. To explore things I thought I was suppose to explore. Because no one in my real life was telling me I was good or capable. I wanted reassurance that I was writing the 'edgiest' stuff or the 'fluffiest' or the 'right characters' and the 'right stories'.

Going forward, I want to write for me. It's why I've moved fandoms because yes, I love Legend of Korra and Lin Beifong, but I'm not obsessed with it like I was. I found community in LOK and in AO3 and online in general but, after getting offline -- deleting social media -- reading things other than fanfiction -- basically, as I became less chronically online for the first time since Middle School, I realized that there's so much more out there that I enjoy. And much healthier ways to enjoy it.

I love all of the support you guys have given me and I stand by the amazing love and community I've gotten from all of my commenters and kudos-ers. But those fics just don't represent me anymore. Few of them ever represented me at all. Many were just what I thought would 'sell'.

I want to keep writing, so I will. But for the stories and characters I want to write about in ways that I actually enjoy. I want cute romances and metaphores for life. Writing smut feels like a chore most of the time so I'll probably just fade to black most of the time with a chapter or two exception. I still love fanficton -- it's an artform all its own. But yeah. Anyways, I hope my little ramble here makes sense and I hope you all get what I'm trying to say.

And if you are like past me -- having interacted with the internet and NSFW and smut since a young age and now feeling like every boundary isn't enough in fiction (*clears throat* I see you BookTok wth r those abusive ass relationships you're reading?) just know that maybe that kind of content isn't good for you and know that vanilla isn't lame. Know that you can write the stories and characters you want and that you don't have to write characters you don't want to write or situations that scare you. And you don't have to pretend not to be scared just for the sake of not kink-shaming.

Yeah. Anyway, if ya'll have any questions fell free to reach out to me! I hope you continue to like my work and if you don't, that's fine too. I hope you don't feel like I'm abandoning you. I think I'm just growing up and getting better mentally. <3

~UselessBard1031