#12 TIMES IS CONCERNING AND I'M NOT SURE HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN LIE TO MYSELF ABOUT THIS

[wyfy-meltdown]

Just because I've gotten Knight of Space literally everytime I've taken a classpect quiz doesn't mean I'm not a Slyph of Hope!!! Follow your dreams and lie!!!

[aishangotome]

Minamoto No Yoritomo: Chapter 13

Chapter 12

♡———♡

Yoshino: Excuse me, Yoritomo-sama.

(Whoa!)

As soon as the sliding door opened, my arm was pulled, and I was dragged into the room.

Yoritomo: Finally caught you. ...Geez, you've caused me so much trouble.

Yoritomo: Shall we hear your excuses, Yoshino?

Yoshino: Excuses for what...? Ah!

My shoulder was pushed, and my back was pressed against the wall.

My heart started racing, stealing away my thoughts.

(It's been days since I've seen Yoritomo-sama this close.)

Yoritomo: Don't play dumb. You've been avoiding me, haven't you?

Yoshino: B-but it was by chance!

Yoritomo: Oh really?

Yoritomo: You have guts to lie to me.

Yoritomo: If you want me to make you confess like last time, I can do that.

(Oh...)

The time I hid the brush I was going to give to Yoritomo-sama... the sensations of his lips and palms were recalled through words alone.

Yoshino: It's really nothing!

Yoritomo: Even though you were acting so strange?

Yoshino: Ah...

He lifted my chin with his finger, and our eyes met.

I thought he had a mischievous look on his face, but Yoritomo-sama's expression was serious.

Yoritomo: I haven't had time to check until today...

Yoritomo: You seemed very down. What really happened?

(Oh, right...)

(Yoritomo-sama noticed my state and was worried about me. Even though he's so busy.)

Warm feelings spread through my chest.

Yoshino: Thank you for your concern. But... I just didn't want to bother you.

(That's why I don't want to hold you back, especially since you're so busy.)

It wasn't a lie, but I phrased it in a way that hid the truth a little.

Yoritomo-sama let out a small sigh as he looked at me.

Yoritomo: ––I understand.

Yoritomo: But if you want to say something, say it.

Yoshino: ...Yes.

(Just those words are enough for me.)

A smile naturally appeared on my face along with deep emotions.

Yoshino: By the way... what did you call me for?

Yoshino: It wasn't just to check on me, was it?

Yoritomo: That's all.

Yoshino: Eh?

I opened my eyes wide at Yoritomo-sama's nonchalant statement.

Yoritomo: You're mine. What's wrong with calling you over whenever I want to check on you?

Yoshino: ...What's that supposed to mean?

(What's wrong with it... It bothers me.)

(I'm bothered by the fact that I'm getting flustered over something like this.)

Yoshino: Yoritomo-sama, you're a bit overbearing.

Yoritomo: You're telling me that now?

I secretly thought that maybe I would forget this love while we were apart.

But being in front of Yoritomo-sama like this, I realized that was a big mistake.

(I want to be with him more.)

Yoshino: Are you still working tonight?

I asked, looking at the large amount of papers spread out on the desk.

Yoritomo: Well, I'm almost done. Just the final confirmation of the rewards to be announced tomorrow.

Yoshino: Since I'm here, I'd like to help if I can...

Yoritomo: Oh really?

Yoritomo: You're offering to help after being summoned? I don't understand you.

(I know the offer to help is just an excuse to stay here a little longer...)

Yoshino: Will I be a bother?

Yoritomo-sama smirked at my quiet question.

Yoritomo: Idiot. Do you think someone like you could bother me?

(Hehehe, that's so like Yoritomo-sama.)

I couldn't help but smile at his twisted way of denying it.

Yoritomo: If you insist, I'll put you to work. Sort the documents piled up there by category.

Yoshino: Yes, sir!

I received instructions from Yoritomo-sama and silently sorted through the mountain of papers for a while.

Yoshino: Ah, this name...

Yoritomo-sama, who had been reading a long scroll, looked up at my exclamation.

Yoritomo: Hmm? Do you know him?

Yoshino: Yes. He's a regular customer who often buys medicine.

Yoritomo-sama nodded slightly as he looked at the paper I was holding.

Yoritomo: Ah, the medicine for his stomach, right?

(Huh?)

Yoshino: How do you know that?

The samurai whose name I found shouldn't have been high enough in rank to be close to Yoritomo-sama.

(I'm pretty sure he said before that he rarely had the chance to speak directly with Yoritomo-sama.)

Yoritomo: It's only natural to know about the people under my command.

Yoritomo: He often gets stomachaches before swordsmanship matches and battles. In short, he's weak under pressure.

Yoritomo: But he's also thoughtful and observant, so he can perform at his best when placed under someone brave.

Yoritomo: That's how he achieved great success in the previous battle and earned a reward.

Yoshino: You went into battle with all that in mind...?

I stared at Yoritomo-sama in surprise as he spoke so casually.

Yoshino: But there must be so many vassals under your command, right?

(I think it would be difficult to keep track of everyone...)

Yoritomo: Well, it's hard to interact deeply with those at the bottom,

Yoritomo: But I make sure to have their superiors report to me so I can grasp the information.

Yoritomo: If there's someone talented, I want to promote them quickly.

(So that's how it is...)

Yoshino: In the shogunate, everyone can demonstrate their abilities equally.

(Yoritomo-sama is aiming for a truly fair organization, not bound by bloodline or social status.)

My heart trembled, as if I had seen a vast landscape I had never seen before.

Yoritomo: It's not such a grand story.

Yoritomo: If you fight without knowing the cards you have, you'll just lose a lot of them.

(--Ah, I see.)

(For him, minimizing the sacrifices of those who follow him is a matter of course.)

Yoshino: ... I think I understand why so many people admire you, Yoritomo-sama.

Yoritomo: Huh?

I smiled at Yoritomo-sama from the bottom of my heart.

Yoshino: It's because you truly care about everyone, not just deceiving them with words...

Yoshino: That's why people follow you.

(I'm sure it takes tremendous effort, but Yoritomo-sama never shows any of that hardship.)

I was struck by his strength of will, and at the same time, a sense of sadness welled up inside me.

Yoshino: I also... sincerely respect you, Yoritomo-sama.

Yoritomo: .....

Yoritomo: Don't you dare try to seduce me.

(Ah....!)

Yoshino: I'm not seducing you! I just said what I was thinking...

Yoritomo-sama sighed, looking somewhat exasperated at my hasty denial.

Yoritomo: You blurt out such embarrassing things, that's why you're called an idiot.

--CHOICE--

Only to Lord Yoritomo...

To say such a thing...

I'm not ashamed.

-----------------

Yoshino: The one who calls someone an idiot is the real idiot.

Yoritomo: Yes, yes. You're cute like a child.

Yoritomo-sama's lips curved into a slight smile as he looked back at the scroll.

Just seeing that made the words I was about to retort disappear.

(He's sly.)

I returned to my own work, and the only sound in the room was the faint rustling of paper.

(I wish this time would never end.)

I savored the fleeting moment, wishing for such a trivial thing.

-

The next day --

(The ceremony is about to begin!)

Along with the busy maids and servants, I was also helping with the final preparations.

As I was looking at the inventory list in my hand, trying to carry out the necessary items from the temporary storage room...

Yoshino: Ouch!

I frowned as someone suddenly bumped into my shoulder.

Maid 1: Watch where you're going. That's why newcomers are...

(Not again...! I'll just leave this place quickly and get it over with.)

Yoshino: I'm sorry for my carelessness. Could you please move out of the way?

It's sad that I've become accustomed to this level of harassment in the past few days.

Maid 2: You still have that arrogant attitude.

Maid 3: It's fine, leave her alone.

Maid 3: It seems like she really likes carrying luggage, so let's leave everything in this room to her.

Maid 1: Yes, let's tell the others too.

Yoshino: W-wait...

(All of this by myself!?)

I watched in stunned silence as the maids left, giggling.

Yoshino: It can't be helped. If that's the case...

(It's not an impossible amount to carry, I'll do it no matter what!)

I rolled up my sleeves and renewed my determination.

-

(Phew... I'm exhausted!)

By the time I finished going back and forth between the storage room and the hall, all the other preparations were complete.

Yoritomo: Thank you for your hard work, everyone.

(Yoritomo-sama!)

Yoritomo-sama appeared with Morinaga, Kagetoki, and Shigehira, and everyone present hurriedly bowed.

Yoritomo: Ah, don't be so formal. I just wanted to check on things before the ceremony started.

Yoritomo: As I expected, you all worked hard.

Everyone's faces brightened as Yoritomo-sama smiled warmly.

(He's still as popular as ever...)

Kagetoki: Yoritomo-sama.

Kagetoki, who had been looking around the hall alone, suddenly raised his voice sharply.

Kagetoki: I can't find the scroll listing the rewards for the previous battle.

Yoritomo: It's missing?

(Huh?)

At his unexpected words, the people around us started to murmur.

(That's strange...)

Yoshino: Um, I'm sure I carried it here earlier...

(I double-checked with the inventory list one last time, so there's no mistake.)

Maid 1: But it's not actually here, is it? Did you lose it?

Maid 3: I've always thought you were careless with your work.

Yoshino: That's not...

I felt the blood drain from my face.

I suddenly noticed the three maids smirking slightly.

(Oh no, could it be these people...?)

Yoritomo: ......

Morinaga: Regardless of whose fault it is,

Morinaga: Yoritomo-sama, should we delay the start of the ceremony and search for it?

Yoritomo: ––No, we don't have time. Let's start as planned.

(Huh?)

Everyone looked at Yoritomo-sama in surprise.

Kagetoki: Are you sure?

Yoritomo: It's fine. I have the entire contents of that scroll memorized.

Shigehira: There were quite a few contributors. Are you saying you remember all their names and rewards?

Yoritomo: I thought about and carefully selected the rewards myself, so I naturally remembered them.

(Amazing...)

Not just me, but everyone present was overwhelmed and listened intently to Yoritomo-sama's calm words.

Yoritomo: It's about time the vassals start gathering. Now, everyone, return to your posts.

And a few hours later...

-

Tamamo and I, who had been ordered to attend the ceremony, were seated at the end of the hall.

Yoritomo: ––With this, I declare the ceremony closed.

Yoritomo: We have a small banquet planned afterward. Those who have time, please enjoy yourselves.

As Yoritomo-sama announced the end of the long ceremony, a buzz spread through the hall.

Tamamo: It ended without a hitch.

Yoshino: Yes, I'm glad...!

Tamamo and I, who had heard the details from me, exchanged a quiet look.

(To actually announce the rewards without the scroll...)

I gazed from afar at Yoritomo-sama, surrounded by his close associates and senior vassals, chatting and laughing.

Tamamo: Even if he had memorized it perfectly, a normal person would feel pressure during such an important ceremony.

Tamamo: Yoritomo didn't stumble over his words or show any sign of panic.

Yoshino: That's right! He even offered words of encouragement to each of the contributors...

I recalled the samurai who had been moved to tears by Yoritomo-sama's personal words.

(Those were warm words that could only be spoken because he knew each person.)

The conversations I overheard from the surrounding samurai were still filled with excitement.

Samurai 1: Next time, I will definitely achieve great success and be of service to Yoritomo-sama!

Samurai 2: I won't let you have all the glory. Everyone is aiming for that opportunity.

(As Yoritomo-sama intended, everyone's morale is high.)

Now that the military council regarding the battle with Yoshitsune-sama was over, a strong sense of unity permeated the entire shogunate.

Tamamo: I thought I had seen enough of the battles in the human world, but this shogunate is indeed refined as a military force.

Yoshino: Tamamo, do you think so too?

Tamamo: Yes. But at the same time, if something happens to Yoritomo, everything could collapse in an instant.

Tamamo: He's walking a tightrope with a cool face... He's an interesting man, Yoritomo.

Yoshino: That's... certainly possible.

(That's why Yoritomo-sama continues to work hard in a place where no one can see him.)

Yoshino: By the way, Tamamo, are you going to join the banquet later?

Tamamo: Of course. It would be a sin to miss out on such good food and sake.

Tamamo: You're not going to join?

Yoshino: No... I'm not really comfortable in places like this.

Tamamo: Why? You have more acquaintances now than when you first came to the palace.

Yoshino: That's true, but...

As Tamamo said, I know a lot of samurai through my work as a doctor.

(But... I don't want people to think that Yoritomo-sama is giving me special treatment.)

(I've already caused him trouble with the scroll incident.)

Yoshino: I'm a little tired. I think I'll take it easy.

Tamamo: Hmm... You don't look well. Should I walk you to your room?

Yoshino: No! I'm fine, thank you.

I part with Tamamo and quietly leave the hall.

-

(...! That's...)

Maid 1: Ah!

I made eye contact with the maids who seemed to be watching the hall.

Maid 2: ...Let's go!

Maid 3: Yes.

Yoshino: Wait!

I chase after the three of them as they scurry away.

-

Maid 1: ...What do you want? You're so persistent following us all the way here.

When we reached a deserted room, the maids glared at me defiantly.

(I'm not good at arguing, but I have to make sure of this.)

Yoshino: I want to ask you about the missing scroll. You know something, don't you?

Maid 3: Huh!? Are you suspecting us?

Yoshino: I'll apologize if I'm wrong. But it's true that you've been harassing me.

Maid 2: Harassing you? We were just trying to teach you a lesson.

Maid 2: Listen, all the maids who work in this palace are from respectable samurai families.

Maid 2: Don't think that someone like you, who we don't know where you came from, could receive Yoritomo-sama's favor.

Yoshino: ...I know that.

(That's why I decided not to reveal my feelings.)

The relentless malice directed at me hurts my heart, but...

An even greater anger was welling up inside me.

Yoshino: You can do whatever you want to me, but you don't know how hard Yoritomo-sama works for others.

Yoshino: I won't forgive you if you do anything to trouble him!

Maid 1: ...Hold her down!

(Ah!)

Yoshino: What are you doing? Let me go!

Two of them grabbed my arms and I tried to shake them off.

Maid 1: We'll teach you your place!

(I'm going to be hit...!)

Just as I was prepared for the hand raised to my cheek---

Yoritomo: I wonder who needs to learn their place.

.

.

.

.

.

Chapter 14

If you’d like to support my translations, feel free to buy me a coffee here! :)

[imaginewriting1]

falling

Ariana Grande x youtuber!reader

Part 9.5 of "positions"

Part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 5.5 (1) | 5.5 (2) | 5.5.5 | 6 | 7 | 7.5 | 8 | 8.5 | 9

You had been there before, having feelings for someone who might not reciprocate. So you knew how to act, how to keep it under wraps.

You managed to maintain a distance from Ariana for two weeks before she requested to FaceTime you instead of texting per normal. You figured it was her most urgent attempt to reach you. If it was any other time, the effort would have you elated - like a teenage girl being waved at by her crush. However, when you had been half-heartedly avoiding her, you felt the tiniest bit of dread. You couldn't do it any longer without feeling guilty either.

Her pronounced pout was the first thing that appeared on your screen, and you wonder how you managed to stay away all this while.

"Hey." You waved, putting on a placating smile.

Ariana barely concealed her eye roll. "Don't hey me. Who is keeping you away from me?"

Me, myself, and I - you thought about the irony of it. "Work. You know how clients are." It wasn't that much of a lie, since you did busy yourself by taking up gigs, hoping that it'll serve as a form of distraction and a credible excuse. However, now that you said it out loud, you knew that it was bullshit knowing how you would have dropped everything to spend time with her - like you did before.

Ariana's eyes narrowed before huffing. "You're lucky I do." In a blink, something softer reflected in them. "Are they still holding you hostage?"

"I have some loose ends to tie up today." You replied truthfully.

"So you'll be free tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I will be." You say. It's not like you could ever say no to her, not that you ever want to. "Do you want to come over or should I go to you?"

Your question made her pause unexpectedly like it was particularly hard to decide. Still, you waited patiently for her answer.

"I'll come to you."

-

You were both lying on top of your duvet, taking a breather.

It was surprising, to say the least, when Ariana appeared at your doorstep at 12 pm sharp, when you were still in the shirt you wore to sleep. Her response to you asking "don't you usually come by in the evening?" was simply "making up for lost time" and had you practically backtrack all the way back to your bedroom.

All your fears seemed to disappear when Ariana's hands were on you. Maybe this is enough, you thought, as you free-fall backward onto your bed.

"I was thinking," Ariana spoke up, breaking your concentration from your stare-off with the ceiling. "We should have dinner."

Your mind started to whir again after being blissfully blank. You shifted around to grab your phone. "Sure we can get takeouts. What are you craving?"

"I meant like at a restaurant."

It wasn't exactly out of the blue, but it was the first time in a while since she suggested a public outing. Instead, you jumped at the chance to make a timely joke. "You want to eat out?"

You laughed along with her, before addressing your main concern. "Aren't you worried about the paparazzi?

"Don't worry about them, or about what my publicist said. I'm sure I could think of ways to deal with being famous." Ariana sat up and flipped her hair theatrically. You would have chuckled at her antics, but you were too busy trying not to look at the sweat gleaming on her skin.

"Alright, I'll take your word for it, Grande."

-

If not for Ariana's defeated 'fuck' after the fifth phone call she had made, you wouldn't have known that her plans were being thwarted.

"Seems like everyone had the same idea of renting out restaurants today. Too bad I didn't plan for this earlier." Ariana sighed in frustration, running through her hair in a manner that had you wincing.

You reached out to hold her hand still before it could cause further damage to her scalp. "I may know a place," You suggested, "it's Italian, with in-house handmade pasta and all that. How does that sound?"

"That sounds really good actually." Ariana perked up but her smile remained cautiously small. "Are you sure we can get a table on such short notice?"

"I'm sure they might make an exception for me, being famous and all." You paraphrased her words, watching Ariana's shoulders relax with a laugh.

"We should head there early, to beat the dinner crowd." She advised you.

"I'll go get change." You replied, heading towards your closet. You decided on a simple black suit jacket over a white shirt and a pair of jeans - a perfect mix of formal and casual, and as a real treat to your feet, you decided to wear your blue sneakers for the first time. "Do you want to borrow my clothes?" You asked as you finished putting the shirt buttons in place.

Ariana had worn a black dress when she came by (now discarded on the floor somewhere), obviously meant for fine dining. However, since the place you brought up had a casual setting, she might be more comfortable wearing something else.

She put on one of your t-shirts (after you pointed out how hoodies or sweatshirts are too iconic on her to be a disguise) and a simple pair of jeans. You fitted a cap over her head and slid a pair of lensless glasses over her ears. "I know they're not exactly your style but that's the whole point of it." You justified, as she checked her reflection in the mirror. She looked better in your clothes than you do, anyway.

"Thank you." Ariana's voice broke you out of your reverie, and you realized that you had spoken out loud.

You felt your ears heating up as you smiled bashfully. "Are we ready to go then?"

You could call it a mistake, offering up your hand. But when Ariana took it, gently prying your fingers apart to fill up the spaces with her own, you couldn't bring yourself to let go. You only do so to grab a pair of sneakers for her. The restaurant was close by and it was easier to walk with them than high heels.

The stroll was enveloped in the kind of quietness that calmed you. You were content with listening to the rustling of leaves and chirping of birds, enjoying the cooling night breeze and the warmth of her palm.

When you arrived at your destination, you observed that the restaurant was definitely more crowded than usual, but unlike Ariana, you had no issues getting a table, not when you had special favors from being a regular. The two of you were shown to a private table at the back promptly as you requested. After you were seated and introduced to the menus, the waiter left. A few moments later, you heard a recognizable voice.

"It's been a while, my favorite customer." She greeted, before turning towards Ariana inquisitively, "And her date. Welcome!"

You looked up from your menu, smiling at the chef owner's presence. "Hey, Chef. Thanks for giving us a table on such short notice."

"You're welcome. Would you like your usual?"

You declined politely, "No, I'm trying to stop eating meat."

It was a funny sight, watching Ariana and Chef raising their eyebrows in sync. "Alright, I'll leave you two with the menu. Signal to a waiter if you are ready to order."

True to your word, you opted for vegetarian pasta while Ariana ordered a vegan special as per the waiter's recommendation.

"You don't have to eat meatless food just because I do." She said after the waiter left with your orders.

"Well, I do it for Piggy. Don't want her to bite me again." You watched in wonder when Ariana threw her head back in soft laughter.

Your orders arrived mid-conversation, but they don't deter you from talking and exchanging stories in between bites. You looked around to see other patrons enjoying their dinner with their respective companies. There were more couples than usual, but it was nothing unusual, given what today was.

Your mind took flight for a moment, wondering what it's like to have that, to be them. However, your eyes found their way back to Ariana, pulling you back to reality. You realised that you don't need to wonder, not went you already had a taste of it, not went you could have the full course meal if you just asked for it.

"Hey." She called out gently, breaking you out of your thoughts. "You looked like you were a thousand miles away."

"Sorry, I was just thinking about-"

You cut yourself short when you spot a waiter walking towards the table with two plates. You don't recall ordering anything else. "Compliments of the chef, vegan tiramisu." After placing them in front of you and Ariana, the waiter went away with your request to thank Chef on your behalf.

"She's so sweet," Ariana commented while snapping pictures of the desert with her phone. "How did the two of you become so close?"

You replied after swallowing the first bite. "Probably the week when I visited for three consecutive days. I was going through a stressful situation and her food comforted me. They were the closest thing I had to a home-cooked meal."

"I can see why." Ariana nodded understandingly after polishing her fork clean. "It's not just the food, the ambiance and decor are so warm and cozy - and the smell..." She took a deep breath in, a gesture so endearing you caught yourself doing the same. "It's so wonderful, so homey."

"Exactly. It's like a home away from home."

"Like yours." She supplied, and you had a sudden urge to reach out across the table to hold her hand. You settle for freeing your grip from your fork and grabbing the glass of water to drown the impulse.

"I'm thankful that you brought me here."

You gulped, "You're more than welcome."

-

Dinner ended when you realized you were the last customer for the night. You left a generous tip as an apology for staying way past closing time, even when Chef and the serving staff assured you that they were more than happy to accommodate.

With Ariana's car parked at your house, she had to walk back with you to retrieve it. "Maybe we should have driven here instead." You mused out loud, feeling a little regretful for causing her inconvenience.

"Nope, it was a good idea to walk." Ariana squeezes your arm. "It helps with digestion, and god knows how full I am." As the two of you rounded the corner, she continues. "Besides, it's a nice night to have a stroll.

It was true, with the stars and moon guiding you back home. You got to play the part of a romantic lead by lending Ariana your jacket at the first signs of shivers.

When you found yourself in the liminal space between your doorstep and Ariana's car, neither of you made a move toward your respective places. The both of you stood there expectantly, yet unsure of what each other wanted. It's a strange but not unpleasant feeling - not wanting to head home just yet. Or rather, not wanting the night to end. A small voice in you told you to take the lead, so you listened.

You had never asked this question in a while, but perhaps it's time to do so.

"Do you want to come in?"

Ariana's answer was so quiet you almost thought you imagined it. "Yes."

It was different, but not unusual, for the two of you to sit on the couch in the living room. You had never really thought much about what to do next after inviting Ariana into your house verbally.

That was because, usually, you didn't have to. All it took was Ariana wrapping her legs around your waist as soon you opened the door, pushing you back to your bed. It was routine, easy and compliable.

However, since you already completed that task earlier today, there was technically nothing else on the schedule. If you thought about it, you could find humor in how you and Ariana did the wine and dine in reverse - eating dessert first, so to speak.

Not that it was a bad thing, as was the silence. You were both full from a meal after all and needed some time to digest the food and the events that happened today.

What did eat away at you, was the lack of compulsion to turn on the television. Normally, you would have filled the space with a motion picture and white noise, but something told you not to. Instead, the black screen seemed to be watching you instead, or rather, reflecting the way you and Ariana are positioned.

Your body was angled towards her, like a comma, but still facing the screen in front of you. Her knees were barely touching your right one, her fingers fidgeted on her lap.

The urge you thought you had sunk rises back up in you, this time pushing you to kiss her.

If this was a movie, the moments leading up to now would lead to the confession scene. If there was one thing you learned from all the films you had watched, doing nothing often led to regret.

Olivia was right, you have to tell her how you felt. But what if that ruined everything? Text messages that helped you get through a stressful day, phone calls reminding each other to eat, telling her to take it easy, asking you to stay up with her on days when sleep evaded her.

But what if she felt the same? Yes, you knew that Ariana had trauma from her previous relationships. You remembered clearly that this arrangement was made solely because she wanted a simple, no strings attached sexual relationship. But, the touching surely wasn't purely platonic, was it? The constant want to hang out with you must mean something, don't they?

You focused on her again and had all the answers you needed.

"Ariana," You saw growing confusion reflected back at you in her pupils. "I want to kiss you."

You felt her body shift within heartbeats, before registering that her lips were inches from yours. "You can."

In another world, her permission would bring you joy. But in this moment, all it conveyed was she doesn't understand the gravity of your words, through no fault of her own, since you haven't fully admitted everything yet.

"It's not just that..." You trailed off, breathing in to gather more courage.

"What is it then?"

Maybe there was something in her tone, or perhaps it was the way her gaze was downcasted, looking away - that she already knew the answer, like she has seen this film before.

Still, you had to speak it into existence, for the universe to hear, so that maybe, just maybe it would bring it to life.

I'm not sure if it's Valentine's day, but seeing all those couples being happy, makes me want that too. With you. I want more than what we already have; I want all of it, all of you.

"That if I do, I will want more. More than what we already are. I want us to be together."

You liked to think that your confession have an extraordinary impact - like a star being born in a nearby galaxy, a flower sprouting from a crack on ice, the very first heartbeat of a newborn being heard.

However, as quickly as they were uttered, your confession dissipated into the silence, like light entering a black hole. And suddenly, she's light years away, a star you can never reach.

"I- I can't give you what you want. I'm sorry."

Instead, a million constructed realities collapsed in on themselves. All that's left in the aftermath were fragments of what could have been.

So, now what?

"Don't be. It's not your fault that you're so easy to love." You were surprised how you kept yourself from choking up. "Even if that's not what you're looking for."

It's funny, when Ariana looked more heartbroken than you are like she was the one who had lost something dear to her.

"We can still be friends," Her voice wavered in uncertainty towards the end, a question and a plea rolled into one.

Since you rather have a piece of her than nothing at all, you forced out: "I would like nothing less, but I need some time."

The light seemed to follow her out when she left. You watched it grow dimmer as the door closed, staring blankly in the dark like when the ending credits finished rolling and everything faded to black.

AN: i made myself cry with this chapter. so feel free to donate to my ko-fi page so i can buy some ice cream.

[dark-rose-clan]

MOON 2:

Ryepaw slowly opened his eyes and yawned, stretching. Yesterday they finally finished cleaning their camp and he was very tired, so much what he fell asleep immediatly as soon as his head hit the mat. He heard a slurping sound and looked at a place not far from him. His eyes widened in surprise. Snailpaw sat nearby and munched on yesterday's catch. The future warrior noticed his gaze and raised his head.

"Morning... Wanna eat?"

Ryepaw shook his head uncertainly, still getting used to the fact that Snailpaw was sitting quietly and not lying or sleeping. Now he resembled the same Snailpaw he had known since childhood. For some reason, the familiar sight evoked a warm feeling in the chest of the future medic.

Snailpaw no longer in shock!

"How do you feel?"

“Better than last moon. Thank you...” he muttered, poking the mouse with his claw. “For giving me time to come to my senses and not putting pressure on me.”

“Of course... Any time,” Ryepaw walked up to him and pressed himself to Snailpaw side. The friend pressed back and they sat there in silence for several minutes. Until a happy Plumpaw walked in on them.

"Heeeey... Do you know what day is today?" the cats shook their heads, and their friend twitched her whiskers, making a sound similar to a snort. "I'm 12 moons today!"

"Oh... Oh!" Ryepaw stood up in surprise and approached her, pressing his head under her chin. “You’re a warrior now! Congratulations!”

"Thank you!" - Plumpaw purred in response. - “But I can’t choose my warrior name by myself... Can you help me?”

Her friends were noticeably inspired and began to go through the suffixes for her new name. After a long time, they decided to go with Plumweb.

“So that you don’t miss the prey, like a spider’s web,” Snailpaw explained to her with a satisfied smile. Ryepaw saw that their friend liked the name and proudly accepted it.

Plumpaw became a warrior, Plumweb!

The days passed smoothly and calmly, apart from Snailpaw and Plumweb arguing over hunting or training from time to time. The future medic tried to stop them from quarreling, but one day Plumweb snapped at him. She said several offensive things and added that he was the youngest and therefore should not get involved in their squabbles. This bothered Ryepaw and he ran away from their camp to take a walk and calm down.

He wandered near the forest, head down and thinking about Plumweb's words. Surely she didn’t want to say that and now she feels guilty... But he was also offended and unpleasant. So he could be angry with her. Yes. He will do so. He will be offended by her until she asks for forgiveness... Although, deep down in his soul, he knew that he could not be angry with her for long. Even though he is younger, he is the moral support of the group and he should not give in to his negative emotions...

Ryepaw was so lost in thought that he tripped over a hole in the ground. He fell face down on the ground and felt pain run through his paw.

Ryepaw got a sprain

Fortunately, he made it home without any problems (although Snailpaw scolded him for his inattention, hiding his concern). After a while, Plumweb came over with her ears down and apologized for her words earlier. The future medic smiled back and offered to lie with him in the sun, to which the cat agreed with relief.

[yumehoxo]

Convinced- eren x reader

(⚠️WARNING⚠️ -this story contains substance use, strong language, sexual content and more)

*Ding*

Connie:

-Yo imma pick you up at around 7:30-ish to be ready.

"Ughh I hope I'm making the right decision" you thought to yourself.

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It's was already 7:12 pm and you haven't even gotten up to change yet, you look at the time one more time and see how late it has gotten and frantically rush to your closet to get something to wear. 'This is such a drag. Why did I even bother to say yes'. You chose a short miniskirt and a cropped shirt and put them on as fast as you can. You ran to the bathroom and fixed your hair and makeup. As your in the middle of doing your make-up Connie calls you. 'Oh no. don't tell me he's here already it's only 7:20' you whined. You pick up the phone call and Connie says.. "Yo I'm in the neighborhood but I'm having trouble finding your complex, mind giving me some directions again?" you sighed, " You have been to my apartment over 20 times now how do you not remember??" You asked. "Look bruh it's really confusing and you already know ian good with directions!" Connie said frustrated. "As soon as you enter the neighborhood you take a right, then two lefts." You said pissed off. "OH YEAHH I REMEM-" you ended the phone call. As you finished off your lipgloss, you grabbed your bag and debated on if you should wear shoes or heels 'I don't even know if I remember how to walk in those' you said looking at your heels, you grabbed your shoes instead. Then you heard it, a rapid knocking at the door, indicating Connie was here. You grabbed your things and did a little jog to the door.

"Woah you smell so good!" Connie said. He was wearing sweatpants and a Dolce & Gabbana long sleeved shirt. You couldn't lie he was a good looking guy and he knew how to dress, and on top of that he's one of the most funniest people you know.

"Thanks Connie" you said sarcastically, rolling your eyes. "Who's hosting this party anyways?" You ask as you lock your door.

"It's this guy named Jean or something like that" Connie says.

Your eyes widen to the name 'well now I know Alessia is going to be there'. "Wow I guess that's just my luck huh?" You say.

"What do you mean that's 'just your luck'?"Connie asks. The expression on his face is pure confusion.

"We used to date in high school, that's all" you state with a relaxed attitude.

Connie presses the elevator button to get back down to the first floor and he asks "Isn't that, kind of a big deal, like what were the odds that you both went to the same out of state University?" Connie asks.

"I dunno I guess it is." you shrug. 'I mean he isn't wrong I haven't seen him since senior year and I'm now a sophomore, that like what almost 2 years?' Your thoughts get interrupted... "Y/n ... Y/n... Y/N??" Connie basically shouts, gaining your attention back to reality.

"W-what do you want, goddamn?" You ask irritated by his loud tone.

"You weren't answering me, I was trying to ask you are you going to drink tonight?" Connie asks.

"Uhh I don't know yet, I'll see how crazy the party is when I get there, and if it's bad then I probably won't drink much" you say as you open his passenger side car door.

"Drink much?? SO YOUR GOING TO DRINK?" Connie asks excitedly.

"Why the fuck are you screaming I'm literally right next to you? But yeah I am." You respond back.

"O-oh sorry I don't realize how loud I get..." he says scratching the back of his head with a nervous expression.

As you guys are driving you don't even realize that it's almost dark outside as the yellow sunset hits your skin in the car. Connie's music was playing way to loud but you would have to get used to it anyway once you get to the party, 'at least his taste in music isn't bad' you think to yourself. As (s/n) plays in the background. You've been to parties before but since it's been so long, your nerves are through the ceiling and the butterfly's in your stomach are giving you mild cramps. 'Just take a deep breath, you've done this before.'

Before you know it, you and Connie are already at the party, it's being hosted in a big house with it's own gate (that was left open). You can see the flashing lights coming through the windows and as you drive closer you can feel the bass of the music. Connie parks his car off to the side so it's easy for him to get out, and you both exit the car.

"We won't be on the first floor, all the secondary people who didn't get invited personally by the owner or the owners friends stay on that floor" Connie says.

"Reiner invited me since we've been friends since Freshman year" he states.

"Oh okay, hopefully it's more calm upstairs.." you say as you guys walk to the front door.

As soon as the the huge double doors open you can see a sea of people partying. All packed together like it was a concert or something. You see couples making out, girls grinding on guys, people throwing up because they can't take what's in their cup any longer, there are girls without any clothing on waist up exposing their breasts to a group of guys. Connie grabs your hand and leads you threw the crowd. He can see the look of concern and disgust on your face.

"Sorry that you have to see this." He says rolling his eyes.

He grips on to your hand a little tighter since the crowd was getting more packed the further down you go. The finally you guys reached it, the stairs. There is a velvet rope indicating that only a certain few are allowed up there. Two men stood there, one of them smoking a cigarette and the other holding a list of names.

"Name?" The man with the list asks coldly. He had dirty blonde hair and tattoos on the sides of his face.

"Connie. Connie Springer." Connie says back equally as coldly.

You can feel the eyes of the other man landing on you, you can feel him looking at your body and then breasts.

"Your good to go." The blonde boy states.

'Finally' you think to yourself in relief. Just the fact that someone was probably just thinking of having sex with you without even knowing you made you feel uncomfortable. You start walking up the stairs and you can still feel his eyes on you, specifically your ass. You were fuming up 'does he have no shame?!' You think angrily to yourself. You've had just about enough you were about to turn around and tell him off.. then Connie walks right up behind you so it's blocks the mans view. You sigh out in relief.

"Sorry about that, some people just have no self control." Connie whispers in your ear so the man doesn't hear anything.

You and Connie make your way up the spiral staircase, you can imminently feel how much more quieter it gets when you get up there. In front of you guys is a hallway with 3 doors on each side and double doors at the end of the hall. You notice the doors have signs on them. "Vacant" or "Empty". Only two of the doors had the sign flipped to "Vacant".

"There for people who want private rooms, like if only a certain group of people wanted to do something together or if you wanted to hookup with someone." Connie says.

"Yeah I figured, that's really smart." You respond back. You can feel the vibrations of the music downstairs at your feet.

"Thank god were not down there" you say in relief.

"Yeah, that place is crazy all the time I don't know how people find that fun." Connie says rolling his eyes.

Connie opens the door for you. To the right there's a T.V hooked onto the wall and a group of 10 people sitting together just talking. To the left is a mini kitchen. You can see that behind the kitchen is a table with food, drinks, and cups there. You noticed the cups were color coded, three colors, neon blue, neon pink, and neon green. In front of each cup was a sign. In front of the neon blue cups was the sign "Taken", I'm front of the of the neon pink cups was "Not looking for any relationship", and in front of the Green cup was "Single". Connie went ahead a grabbed a blue cup and poured himself the fruit punch and alcohol mixture. Connie was currently dating Sasha but she was on a trip with her family for the holidays leaving Connie all alone. You went ahead a grabbed a green cup for yourself and poured (f/d) in it instead. You weren't going to have alcohol until a little later since it was only 8:13 pm.

"Come on let me introduce to everyone I know" Connie says taking your hand leading you to a room in the back.

Connie leads you to the room which contained a Billiardo table to the very right which two men were using and there was a couch at the back that had a group of people sitting there. You could see Jean sitting on the floor in between a black haired girls legs while throwing darts to the wall. His hair was grown out and he looked much more mature. Next to the black haired girl on the couch was a blonde boy with an undercut. On the couch on the other side was a brown haired boy with long hair tied back into a messy bun, he has tattoos on his right arm and some on his left, and he had stud piercings in his ears. He was wearing grey sweatpants with a shortsleeved shirt with the word "Primitive" on the front. They shirt wrapped perfectly around his sculpted biceps. You looked away to make sure nobody notices that your staring. Next to him is a blonde girl she was somewhat tall and had facial bangs. There are two girls on the floor, another blonde girl but she was short and more petite and another girl next to her with brown hair and freckles flirting with her making the blonde one blush. You realize Jean and the black haired girl cups are blue. You also see that The blonde boy and the girl next to the brown haired boy guys are also blue. Everyone else's cups were green. 'A lot of taken people' you think to yourself.

"WOAH NO WAY" you can hear Jean scream locking eye contact with you "IS THAT REALLY YOU Y/N?" He says while getting up. You can tell the black haired girl is staring him down.

"Y-yeah. It's been so long!" You say while side hugging him. You can smell the faint scent of marijuana on him. The black haired girls eyes reach you staring you down, looking at your breasts and body figure. You turn your head to the back of the room Where a tall brown haired boy and blonde hair boy make their way to you.

"Yo Reiner!" Connie says while dapping him up.

"Yo Connie!" He says back. His eyes land land on you, locking eye contact.

"Connie who'd you bring with you?" He said with a smirk on his face looking at Connie and then right back at you.

"Oh this is y/n, she's normally a homebody but she finally agreed to come with me to one party" Connie said while rolling his eyes.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Reiner." He said while sticking his hand out indicating to shake hands with him. You shake his hand, and he holds on a little longer instead. You manage to let go without being awkward or rude a flash a smile at him. 'What the fuck.' You think to yourself . You can see the brown haired boy next to him seems nervous and a little shaky. He look at him and smile and he gives you a nervous smile back.

"H-hi my n-name is Bertolt" he says clearly shaken up. Connie slaps his hand onto Betolt's shoulder and says..

"No need to be shy Bertolt just be yourself! Nobody is going to like you if your going to act so shy." Connie said with a cheeky smile on his face.

"Hey, I'm Y/n" you say with a smile on your face, making him blush even harder.

"Anywaysssss enough of that" Connie says while taking you to the group of people at the sofas.

"Everyone, this is Y/n L/n" Connie says 'I can introduce myself dickhead' you think to yourself.

"I'm Armin, nice to meet you!" The Blonde boy says sweetly. 'He's like a cute cinnamon bun' you think to yourself. You smile sweetly back at him.

"I'm Annie. I've actually seen you around we have a class together." She says with almost little to no expression on her face but you can tell that's the way she is. "Actually i remember you; you sat next to me in that chem lecture one time!" You say back.

" I'm Mikasa." She stated coldly. 'Damn mad at me already? I barely fucking did anything.' You think to yourself but not daring to say it out loud. You force yourself to smile  'I hate these type of things everything seems so forced' you think. "Nice to meet you" you say while giving her a fake smile.

"H-h-hi I'm H- histori-a" the blonde girl said barely managing to get any air as the brown hair girl is choking her from behind. "And I'm Ymir" she says with a huge grin across her face. You start laughing at their greeting. "Y'all seem close " You say as you sit yourself next to them Connie following behind you, finding a seat facing it backwards, and then sitting in it so his chest could be resting in the back side.

"I'm Eren, Eren Yeager." The brown haired boy said in a relaxed tone but you noticed his eyes went to the top of you, to your feet, and back up. 'Goddamn who gave him the right to be so hot' you thought to yourself. "Nice to meet you, Eren." you say in a relaxed tone making sure you hide your nervousness.

As the night went on, Reiner and Bertolt came to join you guys. After many attempts of Reiner trying to flirt with you he gave up as he got a drunk. They talked about all the drama that's been going around, who's dating who, who got arrested, who got so fucked up "that one time". They more they talked the more they drank. After awhile you saw it was 11:15 pm and you finished what was in your cup. You left the room and made your way to the kitchen to see if they had any good alcohol drinks, you open the fridge and grab and vodka bottle and pour yourself a shot. You jump up and sit on the counter and took a look around, everyone who was once watching infront of the T.V were either asleep or on the balcony outside. 'Ahhh some peace and quiet' you think to yourself then you remember that Alessia told you she hooked up with a guy named Jean 'wait a second something doesn't add up how could have she hook up with Jean if Jean has a girl friend?'  You go on your phone to see if she put anything on her story and she did.. she was a black haired boy who was tagged with the name "Jean". 'ohhh okay so it wasn't the Jean I knew' you thought to yourself relieved. You grabbed your bag to get the blunt that you rolled before you came... as your looking you realize you can't find it, you frantically search through your bag"what- where is it I swear I brought it?!" you say frustrated.

"Brought what?" A familiar voice asked, you froze for a slight second startled by it. You turned to to see who said that, it was Eren. He was even taller then he looked when he was sitting down.

"O-oh my god you scared me" you responded back sounding startled.

"Oh sorry I didn't mean too, I thought you heard me open the door." Eren said. 'Wait is that piercing on his-' you realize your staring too long.

"It's fine don't worry about it, but I brought a blunt with me before I came but I can't find it now." You say back.

"Damn maybe you dropped it somewhere." He responded not breaking eye contact with you as he comes into the kitchen.

"Y-yeah maybe.." you say back. 'Why's he coming over here?' . He walks over to the fridge and grabs a drink, leans his back against the fridge (which is right in front of you). After 15 seconds of silence he strikes up a conversation

"If you want I have a blunt? But we have to share." Eren says.

"Wait are you sure?" You ask him feeling guilty.

"Yeah it's no big deal" he says while smiling at you.

You were right he does have a tongue piercing.

"Thank you so much" you say back.

As you guys share the blunt you both start talking about your school schedule, turns out that you have the same lunch break and most of your classes are the same just with different teachers. By the time the blunt is finished both of your eyes are bloodshot. You look at his arm he has a tattoo of a dragon, 'that's the same one I have' you think to yourself in utter shock 'how did I not notice?'. Just to make sure you ask him..

"Do you mind if I see your tattoo really quick? You ask him.

He walks closer to you and lifts up his sleeve exposing the whole tattoo and arm. 'Wow he's so built' you think to yourself. You take a good look at his tattoo it confirms your theory, it's the same tattoo that you have. You got it the second you turned 18, it symbolizes 'strength' a lot of people have it but it's still quite rare to see someone else have it.

"Wow I was right!" You say excitedly.

"Right about what?" Eren asks confused. You lift up you one side of your crop top exposing the right side of your rib cage, showing him your tattoo. He puts down his drink next to you and asks..

"May I take a closer look? Only if you don't mind though." Your face turns a little red the thought of him being that close to you kind of scared you.

"Y-yeah s-sure." You say nervously. He brings his face closer and looks up at you realizing how red you are. He smirks. He traces over your tattoo with his thumb. Just his touch makes you shiver a little 'goddamn why do I have to be so nervous he's not even doing anything!'  You feel your face getting hotter as he traced it. Then you feel it, he places his whole hand on your waist and pulls you closer.

"W-what are you doing? You ask him super embarrassed as your face flushes an even darker shade of red. He gets up close to your ear and whispers.. "What? Are you just going to act like you haven't been thinking about this all night? I've seen the way you've been looking at me." Eren said with a smirk on his face. Just the way his breath feels on your ear made you shiver. You slightly spread your legs a little open so he can fit right in front of you. He grabs onto both of your thighs and pulls them more towards him making your entire body come closer to his. You can feel your skirt slight hiking up the more you legs spread apart. He looks you up and down before leaning in and gently kissing you once, his lips felt soft against yours, you can smell the scent of mint and weed mixed together, you can feel him smile against your lips. He clearly knows how much  your enjoying this. He kisses you again this time more passionately, you feel his hand move to your lover back pulling you even more closer, you wrap your hands around his neck and give in. He bites softly on your bottom lip making you moan slightly, he takes this chance to force his tongue inside, asserting his dominance. You fight to not let him win,you try your best, but you lose. He slowly stops, and kisses your lips tenderly one more time. Then he places his lips on your neck playfully nibbling at your neck, he finds your sensitive spot, causing you to stifle a moan, you can feel his smile against your skin. The coldness of his piercing against your skin makes you want more. He continues sucking,kissing, and licking your neck for a little longer and then he stops. He gets up close to your ear and says...

"Why don't we take this a private room? I would hate if anyone interrupted us." he said with his eyes full of lust.

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                                                                                                          Authors note:

This took me awhile to write I have a headache now lmao

Anyways if y'all could please lmk if I should change anything or if there any errors I would appreciate it 😌💞✨

[spicycreativity]

Soft-Shoe Shuffle - Ch 7

Chapter: 7/12 Additional Notes: See Ch 1 for more information. Read on AO3 under "WizardGlick." Any formatting/italics errors are holdovers from AO3 that I was too lazy to fix. Chapter Content Warnings: derealization/delirium, fainting, general depictions of illness Excerpt: It was quiet in the hall, but that didn't mean much as of late. Still, it didn't matter. Janus' days of skulking around in the shadows were well and truly over. Now he would stand tall in the light so intense it didn't even let him cast a shadow.

Mhm, a monster's here Mhm, you plug your ears But hey, you might just listen to it sing Please let the Devil in

Janus awoke with a single-minded focus and a fire raging in his chest; it burnt away the distractions and fears he built for himself. He had to talk to Roman and it couldn't wait another second. He'd already put it off for far too long.

Getting out of bed was a struggle; Janus' blankets were all tangled up in his legs. He threw them on the floor and got up, bypassing the folded paper on his nightstand. He had neither the time nor the patience for another one of Remus' awful poems.

It was quiet in the hall, but that didn't mean much as of late. Still, it didn't matter. Janus' days of skulking around in the shadows were well and truly over. Now he would stand tall in the light so intense it didn't even let him cast a shadow.

He knocked on Roman's door with a bare fist and listened for the shuffling of feet on the floor. No sound came. He knocked again. "It's Janus," he said, lest Roman mistake him for Patton and bury his head deeper in the sand. "I've come to apologize."

The door flew open and would have bounced off the wall had Roman not caught it with his hand. It left his chest wide open, vulnerable, showed Janus all the bleeding wounds he hadn't seen before. "Great," he said, glowering at Janus. "So you can run back to the others and brag about how much better of a person you are than me?"

Janus blinked hard. The lights from Roman's room formed a halo behind his head and surely that wasn't symbolic at all.

"No," Janus said with difficulty. His mouth was dry and his tongue didn't seem to want to work.

It had been warm in the hall but as he stepped over the threshold into Roman's room, a creeping chill made his joints stick.

"Are you coming in or not?" Roman asked.

Janus shut the door behind him and fought to regain his wits. The simple act of standing left him breathless and sore, but it made the fog roll out a little. "Aren't you going to offer me a chair?"

Roman glared at him. With choppy, deliberate movements, he grabbed the back of his rolling desk chair and thrust it at Janus.

"Thank you." Janus sat and fixed his eyes on Roman's hazy, angry features. The ceiling light made his eyes ache, but he refused to flinch. He had to get this right.

"Well, Billy Flynn-truder." Roman held out his arms, again opening up his chest. Janus blinked. There had never been any blood on him at all, had there? "What do you really want?"

"What?" Janus asked through numb lips.

"Like you'd ever apologize to me. That was just another lie to get me to let you in, and guess what? It worked. You got me again, Deceit."

"Janus."

Roman scoffed. "Spit it out already, Horrorboros."

Janus squinted. Hadn't he already said? Maybe he hadn't. He pulled his elbows in tight to his sides and shivered. "I came to apologize."

"Fine, we're sticking with that." Roman towered over him, anger blazing in his eyes.

For a split second, Janus was worried Roman might hit him, never mind the fact that, for all his boisterousness, Roman had never been the overly violent sort. But now the possibility loomed in Janus' mind and made him shudder and pull his arms tighter around himself. "I'm sorry."

"There, it's over." Roman turned away from him. "Run and tell Patton and Tho-- and the others what a good boy you are. Everyone loves a reformed sinner."

"I'm sorry," Janus said again. "I--" Shame made his face hot even as icy shudders ran through his limbs. "Roman, I n-never meant to hurt you."

"Never?" Roman asked, low and deadly.

"Well, at the end--" What was wrong with him? It was a struggle to get words out, any words at all. Even the wrong words. The walls tilted sickeningly. "It was wrong of me to use you. The courtroom scenario-- I told you what you wanted to hear."

"I know."

"And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have played with your emotions. I didn't-- I didn't know better at the time; I was scared, and... I-- I would have done anything to get you to listen to me."

Roman whipped his head around so sharply it made Janus' own neck ache in sympathy. "You're lying."

Despair rose in Janus' chest, trying to escape in the form of one desperate, broken sob. He swallowed it down. "Not this time."

"Why should I believe you?" Roman demanded.

"Because I mean it!" Janus shot back at equal volume. It sent waves of agony pulsing through his head. "I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry I used you. I'm sorry I hurt you. I just wanted you to listen to me. That's all I ever wanted."

"That's. Not. Good enough."

"It's all I have. I gave you my name, Roman. I don't have anything else to give." Janus' chest ached as he took in frantic, shallow gasps. Tears welled up his eyes, not of shame or penance, but fear. What if he wasn't good enough? What if he lost his place?

"Spare me," Roman said, voice sharp with disgust. Janus looked up at him, fighting exhaustion with every muscle in his body.

Roman frowned. "That's not going to work."

"What?" Janus sighed, feeling his posture worsen with the prolonged exhalation.

"Stand up," Roman demanded. "Stop looking at me like that."

It was the least he could do. Janus stood even though his legs shook underneath him.

"Where are your gloves?" Roman asked. He sounded very far away. "Where's your hat?"

"I don't know," Janus said numbly. He could feel himself shivering even though he could no longer feel the cold. He tried to stop and couldn't, and that fact bothered him less than he thought it should.

"Janus, seriously. I'm not buying it. Drop the act."

Janus just shook his head. Roman didn't have to keep rubbing it in, although he probably was revelling in Janus' failure.

He would crawl back to Remus, then, except… He couldn't seem to move.

"Fine!" Roman shouted. "You're scaring me. I'll-- I'll hear you out, just stop--"

His words faded under the sharp hiss and roar of static in Janus' ears. He fell to his knees, gasping for breath. White and red crowded his vision; his face connected hard with Roman's sash.

Then, just like the end of the movie, everything faded to black.

Aside

Roman's voice sounded in Logan's dreams and ripped him back to reality. His body moved before he registered what was happening, a fight-or-flight response he didn't usually exhibit.

He ripped the door open and came face to face with Roman, who…

Logan's stomach dropped.

In his arms, Roman cradled Janus' unconscious form. His chest rose and fell with shallow breaths and his face was frighteningly pale where it wasn't stained an angry, feverish red.

"I swear I didn't do anything to him!" Roman said frantically. "He was in my room and we-- He-- I don't know what happened!"

"Roman," Logan said. "I need you to breathe." He paused and made a split-second decision. "Follow me."

He stepped around Roman, careful not to bump into Janus, and strode down the hall toward Janus' door.

"When did that happen?" Roman asked, seeming to forget his panic in his surprise.

"After…" Logan said. "Well." He didn't usually shy away from difficult topics of conversation, but he thought it best not to upset or overwhelm Roman at the moment. He took the handle and opened the door for Roman. "Put him on the bed, please."

"Right." Roman entered and hesitated, letting out a shaky breath through his nose as he looked around.

"Roman," Logan prompted.

"Sorry." Roman swallowed hard and gently set Janus on the bed. "I just-- I don't know what happened."

"He's sick," Logan said, taking care to keep his voice even. It wouldn't do to further upset Roman.

"I can see that!" Roman snapped.

"Roman. Breathe. You didn't do anything wrong." Logan needed a scan thermometer, and one manifested in his hand. The readout forced him to swallow down a wave of concern. "I need ice," he said. Ice packs appeared under Janus' arms and legs where they connected with his torso.

Janus yelped and thrashed, tears forming in his eyes. Logan held him by the shoulders until his struggling died down into the occasional flinch and shudder.

"You're hurting him!" Roman shouted. He took a deep breath. "Sorry-- Sorry, I know--"

"It's okay," Logan said. "Sit down." He held eye contact while Roman sank down into one of Janus' leather armchairs. "He's going to be okay, Roman."

Roman braced his elbow on one armrest and cupped his forehead in his hand. "I keep messing up," he said in a strained, thin voice.

Calling Patton for backup would only add more emotions to the situation and make it harder to look after both Janus and Roman. Logan had to handle this himself. "Roman, Janus has been sick since last night. Whatever happened wasn't your fault."

"I can't believe his door moved!"

Logan sat down on the edge of the bed, apprehension increasing his heart rate. He had done all he could do for Janus. Now it was time to put his underdeveloped interpersonal skills to the test, as adding anyone else to the equation would only make things messier and less efficient.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"He apologized to me!" Roman looked angry. Logan couldn't fathom why. He had felt a nearly overwhelming sense of relief when Janus had apologized to him. Relief and responsibility to correct his own mistakes. Why was Roman angry?

"You didn't want that?" Logan guessed.

"I don't know! I'm confused." Roman sighed heavily. "I'm sorry, Logan, I know emotions aren't your thing."

"I…" Logan adjusted his tie. "I'm working on it. Please be patient with me."

"Jeeze, what all did I miss?" Roman asked, touching his forehead.

"Quite a bit," Logan said, before realizing that the question was probably rhetorical. "Roman, to be completely honest, I don't know what you need right now."

"I know." Roman sighed and shifted positions so he could rest his elbows on his knees. "I'll-- I'll figure it out. I'll go back to my room and get out of your way…"

"I want to help you," Logan said. His own emotions were distant, abstract, confusing things, so he used broad terminology to better make his point. "I feel… worried." Roman took a breath to interrupt, but Logan held up a hand. "I'm not done."

"Sorry," Roman mumbled

"I'm worried about you," Logan said. "And it was Janus who helped me reach the point where I can tell you this now: I care about you, Roman. I don't want you to go back to your room."

"But I'm… I don't--" Roman swallowed hard and tears welled up in his eyes. "I don't deserve--"

"Roman," Logan interrupted. Guilt reared up at his having done so, but he couldn't allow Roman to further agitate himself. "It's not about what you think you deserve. It's about trying to be better than you were before. Hiding away in your room accomplishes nothing. I know that's not who you are. You're brave and headstrong and I've never known you to run away from a challenge."

Roman sniffled and wiped his eyes on the back of his hand. "Wow, Teacher Feature. That was really…" He sighed and seemed to lose interest in what he was about to say. "Thank you, Logan. I'm just… Embarrassed. I acted like…"

Logan physically bit down on his tongue to avoid suggesting a few vocabulary words.

"Like Captain Hammer," Roman said.

Logan frowned. "You beat up Janus in an attempt to win Patton's and/or Thomas' affections?"

" No, Specs," Roman chuckled mirthlessly. "Well. Not literally. But I did make fun of him in front of everyone. And not in the fun way, like when I tease you guys." He flashed Logan a smile. "And then he apologized to me! Or tried to." Roman ran his hands through his hair. "But that makes me the villain of the story!"

"Ah," said Logan, thrown for somewhat of a (metaphorical) loop. "Well. Are you planning on building a giant freeze ray?"

"No."

"Do you seek world domination?"

"No…?"

"Do you believe that you are entitled to hurt others or that their desires are somehow expendable in service of your own?"

"No?"

"Then you're not a villain, Roman, super or otherwise. You're just human. Well, as human as any of us can possibly be. You made mistakes. So did Patton. So did Janus. So did I. The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is to work to make things better. I believe that's what Janus was attempting to do when he visited you "

"Ugh!" Roman ran his hands down his face. "I can't believe he beat me to the punch!"

Logan squinted. "So you did hit him?"

"Just an expression, Spocktor Who."

"I see."

Well… If Janus did it first, I'm going to do it better ," Roman said.

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Grace

Rio: Hey Rio: rough night, I hear Grace: Ugh Rio: That bad? Grace: Let's just not Grace: mum and dad have obvs given you the goss so like Rio: they just said you might wanna talk Rio: I'm out of the loop Rio: try me Grace: oh please none of you wanna pick up the phone unless Janis uses hers to call me out Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Rio: that ain't true Rio: and I'm here now Grace: sure babes Rio: come on Rio: you're gonna do me that dirty? Rio: pop an aspirin and spill Grace: there's no big drama, I've already told literally everyone that Rio: then why has it been made into one Rio: your chance to put your side across, don't be too pouty to take it Grace: UM hello, cos Janis is extra Grace: 🤞 that we'll all forget she took nan's car the other night if we focus on me rn Rio: So she made it up? Grace: she made it into something it's not duh Grace: so I hit up my ex Rio: Not like her to get involved, ever Rio: never mind for nothing Rio: what's up with that? Grace: like I said, mum and dad are !!!! about her and her bf so Grace: she's over it Rio: Who even is he Rio: some english kid, they said Grace: mhmm Grace: he's the hot new boy at school Rio: isn't there anyone new you've got your eye on Rio: exes are never a good idea, drama unwarranted or nah Grace: It's not like he's ever gonna be more than that Grace: I just needed a ride thanks Rio: You can't be doing that, babe Grace: I didn't end up doing anything, it's fine Rio: That ain't the point, you know that Rio: you treat lads like shit, give them the warrant to do it back Rio: you don't need to be living like that Grace: He already did, that's why he's an ex Rio: and that's why you don't hit him up Rio: that is not an ex, honey Grace: OMG he took me to a party not a registry office Rio: No one is concerned you're taking it too seriously Rio: not seriously enough Grace: Great, it's your turn to call me a hoe now Grace: love that Rio: Stop Rio: trying to be so right you hear us all wrong Rio: not taking serious how you let lads treat you Grace: No, Ri you can stop Grace: however bad you want me to feel I already do, trust Grace: it was the worst day, I tried to make it better Grace: that did NOT happen Grace: & now I'm over it Rio: I don't want you to feel bad, that's the whole point Rio: so what happened Grace: Nothing! I went to the fair with one boy, he left so I called another to take me home Grace: like I'm so sorry I'm not still there literally stranded Rio: You wouldn't be stranded don't be ridiculous Rio: we're not daft, you didn't need to go anywhere with that lad Rio: what happened to the first lad then Grace: well I OBVS wanted to Grace: who wouldn't after such a cringe date Rio: but your ex is a twat, no Rio: what kind of solution Grace: he doesn't pretend he isn't Rio: that makes it alright then Rio: come off it Rio: it's ice cream and bitching you need, not pencilling in another immediately after Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: I'm not 9 hun Rio: Yes, you're very mature Rio: for God's sake Grace: Excuse you Grace: I shouldn't have called him okay but it's not that deep Rio: you two need to sort it out Rio: mum and dad don't need this Grace: OMG Grace: how dare you Grace: that bitch literally put herself in REAL danger, that's not me Rio: that's not what I heard Grace: Yeah? Grace: so when you literally just said that they told you I wanted to talk that was a lie Rio: well they're not going to just throw that at me with no context Grace: & the context is ???? Rio: Grace, tbh, I don't have the time to relay to you what you did, hence asking you at the start of this conversation Grace: mhmm Grace: you never have time for any of us Grace: & now you expect me to open up to you or something Rio: things change Rio: I'm not a child anymore either, I've got my own family, a job Rio: just because I can't be here 24/7 doesn't mean I'm not still your big sister Grace: Just stop Grace: pretending that you care about me Grace: treating me like I'm still 12 Grace: you can just stop Rio: we all care about you, Grace Grace: thanks for not wanting me to also get killed, obvs Grace: but like I've got that covered Rio: Clearly not Rio: I thought you were better than this Rio: we need less people in this family acting so recklessly Rio: why do you have to join in Grace: UM Janis is the one drunkenly trying to joyride Grace: give her some of this energy Rio: and you think getting taken to a party where you don't know anyone and it's majority older men then getting blackout drunk is any less dangerous Rio: worry about yourself Rio: she's a separate issue Grace: That isn't even what I did Grace: he lied to me about the party Rio: this is why you can't associate with people you already know are bad news Rio: you're a smart girl, you need to act like it or you'll get taken advantage of Rio: none of us want to see that Rio: you don't need me to tell you all the worse things that could've happened, my god, just like Janis doesn't need us to explain to her the dangers of what she did, but we still have to if you're both going to be pulling stunts like this Grace: I need for Janis not to tell mum and dad that I'm following in yours, Edie's and Carly's footsteps depending on the mood Grace: if she'd left me alone I wouldn't have been that drunk Grace: it's totally her fault that I couldn't just go home Rio: You can't put yourself in needless danger because you two are having a spat Rio: there's no scenario in life you don't take responsibility for your actions, babe Rio: because you'd be the one getting hurt, not her Grace: OMG it wasn't about her! I literally told you I was having the worst day Grace: like you've never hit up an ex cos he's a sure thing Grace: & I'm so sure Buster was right there whenever & that was always a good idea Rio: You just said it was Rio: and even if this was about me and my mistakes, which it isn't at all, what, you think that means it's okay for you to repeat them and I'll be cool with that Rio: god love them but I am not mum and dad, that's not how I do things okay Grace: & you just said I'm the problem Grace: I know, okay? Rio: I did not Grace: whatever, babes Rio: Do not whatever me Rio: I didn't, and you don't get to dismiss actual advice and concern because you're in a strop Grace: ugh Grace: in a strop? Really Rio: Yes, really Grace: You literally have no idea how I feel Rio: then tell me Grace: I'd honestly rather die than have you report back to mum and dad anything I've ever said Rio: for god's sake Rio: that isn't what it's about Grace: Oh okay, you just happen to be in my inbox Grace: it's so not cos I won't tell them anything Rio: If you don't feel good, it needs to be sorted Rio: that isn't going to happen if you keep doing what you're doing and don't talk to any of us Grace: I can't talk to any of you, you're my problem Rio: if you aren't mature enough to talk about this, then I'll have to tell 'em as much Grace: No, this family is literally my problem Grace: growing up in it as the ugliest one, the stupidest one Rio: why would you even think something like that Grace: Duh, it's what everyone thinks Rio: no it's not Rio: and the ones that say they do are not worth listening to Rio: there's always going to be the ones that say horrible things, but that doesn't mean it's true Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Rio: don't roll your eyes like it doesn't matter Rio: it does Grace: your mum answers don't matter & they don't help me Rio: Grace, you need to help yourself Rio: you have to decide it isn't going to get to you, and then it's a process of actively ignoring that and telling yourself the opposite, surrounding yourself with other people who lift you up too, not drag you down Rio: then, you stand a chance of believing it Rio: lamenting how mean people are and blaming us, will never make you feel better Rio: you deserve to feel better than that, you need to Grace: OMG you chose to do everything you did online & marry our cousin, I didn't choose to look like this Grace: You don't know what it's like & you can't Grace: none of you do so stop judging me for how I deal with it Rio: And you can choose to reckon I deserve it then, that all the rest of us do Rio: but that'll never stop them judging you as well Rio: anything you do, they still will, that's just life I'm afraid Rio: and I'm not judging how you deal with it, I'm telling you I see that you aren't Rio: uncomfortable as that might make you, it's because I want you to, I want you to feel better Grace: Wow, thanks Rio: Deal with it, seriously Rio: this is no way to live your life Grace: Good talk, babes Grace: so motivational Rio: Shut the fuck up with your fake bullshit for once and take it in Rio: I am so sick of this, I'm not doing it again Grace: I have Janis for my tough love so Rio: It's not tough love Rio: consider why someone just trying to be real with you feels like an attack Rio: you can't fake that those defenses are real with me, girl Rio: I've known you longer than you've known yourself Grace: honey, I know why, I know everything I am & everything I'm not Grace: of course I'm the fakest Grace: why would I wanna be real? Rio: You know what they say you are Rio: and you're prepared to live up to that and that alone Rio: no life, like I said Rio: you can do so much better Grace: cos being real worked out so well for Edie, right? Grace: & Janis is really living her best life with that honesty too now Rio: Stop deflecting as if this is about anyone but you Rio: you are no better off Rio: it'll kill you just as fast Grace: I can't separate myself from any of you, that, like I said, is my problem Rio: yet again, because you're obsessed with the validation you'll never get from arseholes who have no stake in seeing you win Rio: they want another show and you are giving it Rio: this family has done nothing but encourage you to be yourself, ever Grace: Do you even remember what 15 feels like? Take a sec, babes Rio: Like I said, you won't get the 'we all make mistakes' off me Rio: you can learn, you have so much opportunity Grace: Opportunity to keep being compared & always come last in that comparison, sure Grace: 👌👌👌 Rio: so be a loser, yeah? Rio: prove them right Rio: because who have you won over here Rio: your bitchy friends that are more trouble than they're worth Grace: they OBVS are right, I'm not pretty or smart Grace: I'm a bitch and not in the way where it's actually goals Grace: so like ??? Rio: None of that is true Rio: but we can't have this conversation if you're at a place where you believe it is Grace: bye then Grace: catch you at the next crisis 👋 Rio: No, Grace Rio: you don't get to feel justified in thinking none of us care just because the help you need goes beyond what we can say and do Rio: I'm getting you professional help, but it won't work unless YOU want it to Rio: and if you don't, if you're happy to settle for this then yes, you are exactly like her Grace: You're not mum, stop acting like it Rio: it's your decision, and one you know full-well she won't think is a bad idea Rio: let alone put a stop to Grace: Duh, she never puts a stop to anything Rio: You'll be able to discuss all of that Rio: you need someone impartial Rio: you're never going to take on what we say, if we're the problem to you Grace: I'm not mental Rio: for goodness sake, who said you were Rio: you're having problems, you work on solving them Grace: OMG my problems aren't that big of a deal Grace: just cos most of this fam are in love with themselves Grace: leave me alone Rio: They are Rio: the way you've said you've felt is horrible Rio: you shouldn't have to live with that every day Rio: you don't have to Grace: the way you're trying to freak me out is worse Grace: I don't wanna talk to some random therapist wtf Rio: I'm not, there's nothing to be scared of remotely Rio: do you wanna feel better? Grace: I'm not telling a stranger everything about me, that's so gross Rio: You don't, you lead the conversation, talk about what you want to Rio: and it's totally confidential, she isn't on her coffee break slagging you off Grace: I don't want to talk about anything Rio: How well has that worked for you so far then, eh Rio: you will Rio: and the offer will still stand then Grace: STOP Rio: No, I won't Rio: how much shit has been allowed to happen in this family through not talking is ridiculous Rio: it's time for that to fucking stop, alright Grace: Please, Rio Rio: I'm not saying it won't be painful but can you tell me living like this doesn't hurt Rio: the mess we're all in Grace: it's like I told Janis, it's too little too late Grace: I can't just like undo everything Rio: It never is Rio: you aren't dead Rio: and being 15 will not last forever, the friends, the feelings, none of it Rio: you'll always have yourself and you should be fucking good with that Grace: I'll want to be if I have to talk about everything that's wrong Rio: it's daunting Rio: but you can do it Rio: if you live like this, you burn out Rio: we've all seen it, as I said, I'm not prepared to do it again so easily Grace: or I'll get pregnant & turn my life around like every other woman in this fam Rio: Give you that, but it's not funny Grace: 😂😂😂/😭😭😭 Grace: 🤷 it'll be Janis now she's so in love anyway Rio: it'll be neither of you, no discussion needed Grace: aw babes, it's okay Grace: we've all had that discussion Rio: I've already told you it's no joke Rio: so have I, so had mum Grace: Duh, me and my friends all went & got the implant together thanks Rio: Good Rio: babies don't fix anything Rio: especially not you Grace: I don't want any of my exes around that long, trust Rio: no more exes Rio: you know better than that Grace: Excuse me Grace: I'm not giving any new boys chances if it's gonna work out like Ash at the fair Rio: Boys are not the issue here either Rio: focus on yourself Grace: obvs Grace: that doesn't mean I wanna be constantly alone with myself Rio: of course not Rio: but you need to be comfortable with yourself when you are Rio: otherwise you'll be willing to surround yourself with anyone just so you aren't Grace: I thought we'd established that I am Grace: cue Janis' slut intervention Rio: You joke but tell me otherwise Grace: I'm sorry, who actually wants to be alone?? Grace: literally nobody ever so there's no need to target me Rio: Anyone who respects themselves would rather than be treated poorly Rio: that's the issue Rio: not that you want company, the company you're willing to accept and not know that you deserve better Grace: it's not my fault that decent teenage boys barely exist Rio: then wait Rio: you have options Grace: EW & do what 🙏🙏🙏? Rio: 🙄 Rio: If you're gonna be silly I've got to go now Grace: If you don't see that as ridiculous then yeah do go, hun Grace: I really would look & sound mental Rio: The only thing that's ridiculous is you would rather be treated like shit than to know and own your worth Rio: and you can blame the lads 'til you're blue in the face but it'll never change what happened and you will regret it, big time Rio: I would know Rio: and plenty of people don't have boyfriends at your age, at any age, respect that a fuck ton more than girls who are not ready rushing into bad situations because they feel left out somehow Grace: OMG like it's not bad enough that every boy at school wants to get with Janis over me, you want me to be like UM NO THANKS to any I can get Grace: nobody would respect that AT ALL they'd just think there's even more wrong with me Rio: exactly, in the grand scheme of things, they are nobody Rio: letting them dictate your behaviour will just leave you miserable because that's what they want Grace: if I leave school rn, sure Grace: but that isn't what you're saying I should do Grace: so that means years around these people Rio: I repeat, are you happy now Rio: is it working for you Grace: & I repeat, I can't change the way I look Grace: that's also years away Rio: that's the answer to nothing Rio: nothing I said and just nothing in general Grace: of course you'd think that Rio: It isn't Rio: you can change yourself beyond recognition but you'll never be satisfied with the results Grace: You've always been beautiful, you don't get to speak on it Rio: you're beautiful, Grace Grace: Don't even Grace: you literally sound like mum & dad now Rio: it's true Grace: it's embarrassing Grace: you call out all these lads for how they allegedly treat me, at least they don't lie about things like that Rio: it isn't a lie Rio: people use your insecurities against you for their gain Rio: those people don't love you like your family do, you choose to believe them, you're choosing to hate yourself Grace: Duh, I do that too Grace: like I said, babes, there's no beautiful personality either Rio: I'm fully aware, Grace, and I'm not the only one Rio: it's not just about looks, every bad thing you think about yourself, it's as clear as day for every predator that wants to take advantage Grace: okay great Grace: that makes me feel so much better Rio: yes, you need to make yourself feel better Rio: this conversation isn't here to make you feel better, no one is here to make you feel better Rio: nothing worth having is handed to you, you have to start working for it Grace: 👏THIS 👏 is 👏 who 👏I 👏 am Grace: so sorry if you don't like me Grace: I'm sure there'll be takers on the fam whatsapp to discuss that tho Rio: No, it isn't Rio: you're 15, you aren't the same person minute to minute Rio: and more importantly, these are unresolved mental health issues Grace: it makes no sense to label me if that's what you think Grace: so what's the thing here, am I just 15 or am I just mental? Rio: The thing is, Grace Rio: these issues didn't appear overnight, and they aren't going away any quicker Rio: you're talking of a lifetime of feeling ugly and stupid Rio: if you start addressing that, at 15, you stand a chance of seeing 30 Grace: I know, I've literally lived it thank you Rio: and if that's such a problem, stop Grace: stop stressing me out more!!! Rio: I'm sorry but you need it, you think you can go undetected doing the things you do and hope Janis or one of the others will always be doing something worse Rio: no, no one gets left behind Grace: they don't get left cos they leave Rio: they've not left Grace: Oh please Grace: reaching out now cos mum & dad made you doesn't mean you're here Grace: you literally said yourself that you can't be Rio: Good god, I'm nearly 23 Rio: did you expect me to stay in that house forever Rio: that isn't what happens, that doesn't mean we aren't family, that kind of feeling is what fucked it up in the first place Grace: &? nobody's ever at home but me & Gus or Diego somewhere Grace: I don't wanna stay here Grace: but I leave & suddenly it's the biggest drama ever Rio: Yes, because fact of that matter is you're 15 and that's where you need to be Rio: until you have somewhere of your own, somewhere better to be Rio: and you don't, now that's really sad, I'm sure but neither does anyone else your age Grace: Billie did, Janis does Rio: Billie should never have been allowed to go, and Janis isn't, either Rio: don't assume for a second she isn't getting the same talks Rio: and I'm doing all I can to talk to Billie but she's technically an adult now, she's got a baby, it's harder, much harder Grace: Can't I just come & live with you? You know I'm a really good babysitter Rio: I know you are Rio: but you need more attention, less responsibility Rio: it wouldn't be right Grace: Please, I promise I won't invite boys over EVER Rio: You know it'll be worse, right? Rio: we actually have rules at my house, routine Grace: I'm not Indie, I have a schedule Rio: I'm saying, even if I agreed to a short break for you, it wouldn't be Rio: you know full well you've got way more chance of mum and dad leaving you be Grace: maybe I don't want that Rio: if you're serious about this Rio: and I mean all of it Rio: not just the part where you get a break Rio: then I can talk to Buster Grace: Rio, I can't see a shrink rn, okay? Grace: talking about any of this is like Rio: I know Rio: okay, but we can start making the positive changes we can make, yes Rio: like I said, you're not stupid, you know what's good for you and what definitely isn't, more of the former, less of the latter, okay? Grace: I don't even really remember what I said to Janis or mum and dad when I was drunk and that still makes me wanna die Grace: Idk what to do but it isn't more of that Rio: We've all done that Rio: you will survive it Rio: couldn't have really said anything worse than you're in love with your cousin, can you, so I wouldn't worry Grace: I think I told Janis I love her & that's WAYYYY worse Rio: Loving your sister? Imagine that, I'd better find out an LBD for the wake Grace: I really REALLY miss you Grace: nobody else EVER wants to talk to me Rio: I miss you too Rio: we've all got to try to be better, alright Rio: it's by no means just you but you ain't exempt from my mumming, not sorry Grace: Yeah Grace: I think she's better, she never would have come to get me before that boy moved here Rio: I thought the same Rio: if Edie showed me anything, but she showed me a lot, it was that it is really, really hard to stop loving your family, Grace, even when you want to Grace: I know Grace: I miss everyone, even her Rio: I know, darling Rio: it's taking time, more time than we could've ever anticipated before but if we can all get to a place where we're all trying Rio: it's a start Grace: I don't ever wanna be older than her, it's too weird Rio: It is, but you will want it when you're there Rio: no one should be 16 forever Grace: I can't stop thinking about what Janis did either Rio: me either Rio: what do you really think of her boyfriend then Grace: he's really hot, everyone's lost themselves over him Grace: & them as a couple but ew Rio: thanks for updating me on the school ground goss, even though you clearly think I'm a grandma, you cheeky cow Rio: but I more meant do you think he enables her bad behaviour like Kai did Edie or Rio: though I have a hard time believing Janis could ever be as easily led, seen strangers things Grace: well babes if you wanna talk about my REAL trauma I've seen more of their PDA than I'll ever be comfortable with so Grace: & she smokes now which is GROSS Grace: but tbh he's not like that Rio: Hmm Rio: neither of those are exactly encouraging but not damning either Rio: say the jury is out on him for now but I'll be keeping an eye Grace: it's a good thing if someone she loves wants around though, yeah? Grace: maybe she won't run again Grace: *her Rio: yes and no Rio: short-term, sure Rio: but I don't need to tell you how much you wanna hide forever when it ends, do I Grace: idk I'm just saying I saw them at the fair & she was like ?? happy Grace: she said it was a sugar rush but I'm not stupid Grace: & he's got it SO BAD for her OMG Rio: That's cute Rio: and don't get me wrong, I want her to be happy, all of you Rio: I just know it doesn't immediately fix everything if she ain't also trying but maybe she is Rio: like you said, she did come to get you Grace: Yeah Grace: I didn't think she really would Rio: Any of us would Rio: you really can't just turn that stuff off Grace: she can, she has Rio: nah Grace: he's obvs turned her back on & I don't just mean cos he's the hottest white boy our school's had for ages, tho also obvs Rio: 😂 Rio: I won't ask for pics, feels a bit creepy Grace: [sends one anyway] Grace: not really your type, babes Rio: Oh, he is very cute Rio: and ha ha, if you think you can come up with any original joke for me, you can have at it but really decreases the chances of me making up the sofa for you any time soon Grace: no shade he's not my type either Rio: no? Grace: I would obvs hook up with him but I couldn't date him Grace: no way of that working he's too nice & too poor Rio: Grace Grace: ?? Rio: Not funny Grace: he is! I'm not even joking Grace: I'm too high maintenance for a boy like that Rio: You earn your own money then Rio: can't have things like money coming into it Grace: Duh, I will Rio: Good Grace: No boy's sticking around long enough to pay my bills, honey Grace: even if Janis thinks I'm selling myself now Rio: Not all it's cracked up to be Grace: I'll settle for a lot less, thanks to her, we all know Rio: Whatever she said, and I'm sure it was a lot Rio: you have to see her intentions were good Grace: her intentions were dramatic Grace: she can't ever stop being a bitch to me Grace: unless I'm blackout apparently Rio: that shows she had reason to be, no? Rio: not showing concern unless she has to Grace: I'm not saying it wasn't sketchy there Grace: that's why I asked her to come & not mum & dad Rio: how sketchy? Grace: like I was glad when I left Grace: & mum would've killed me Grace: or him Rio: Yeah Rio: I get you Rio: I'm just glad you're okay, but no more going off with people alone without telling someone, even if it's just your friends Rio: I know you think you know people, especially when you've hooked up with them and whatnot, but it's no real indicator Grace: yeah when a lad isn't really drinking but you are that's not a mood so obvs he's deleted 🙌🙌 Grace: I don't need the receipts Grace: be as much of a mess as me thank you Rio: 👍 Rio: what I like to hear Grace: I kept waiting for her to shout at me but she like didn't Rio: maybe she wants things to be different too Grace: There's no way though Grace: Mia is beyond extra about her dating the new boy Grace: she just won't let it go Rio: She liked him too? Grace: we all thought he was hot but idk it's like not about him, she can't deal that Janis finally said yes to someone Grace: has something Rio: It's best to not take sides Rio: but at the end of the day, they're different relationships, Mia will never be your sister Rio: and even if she does have issue with Janis, she shouldn't take that out on you, as a mate Grace: UM I wish you'd told me not to take sides before I threw her out of the house & made her hate me, babes Grace: 😱😱😱 Rio: why'd it come to that, like Grace: they were there too so she was just being THE WORST and would not stop Grace: like I don't wanna see them making out either but Rio: Sounds to me like she just needs to calm down Rio: what business is it of hers what Janis gets up to, really Grace: You literally have to let me stay with you 🙏 I'm so over it Rio: I'm asking, I promise Rio: I'll let you know asap Grace: 💜💜 ILYSM 💜💜 Grace: I get why Nancy moved schools now it's gonna be so annoying Rio: I love you too Rio: well she was really bullied but yeah Rio: fallings out always make it awkward Grace: it's not just Mia, everyone's like OBSESSED Grace: cos Janis finally lost her virginity & we still don't know literally anything about the new boy Grace: there's so many weird rumours Rio: your problem and your answer Rio: people always find new things to talk about soon enough Grace: 🤞🤞🙄🙄 Rio: I'm sure Janis isn't appreciating it very much either Grace: at least nobody's calling her a lesbian anymore Grace: she didn't appreciate that AT ALL Rio: being talked about is shit Rio: that's something we can all relate to Grace: 🤷 I tried to tell her there's way worse things to be called Grace: maybe when she has an ex she'll agree Rio: lies are always the worst, no matter if they're inherently insulting or not Rio: no one should get to dictate who you are Rio: let alone people who have no idea Grace: Yeah, I guess Grace: the truth hurts a lot too tho Grace: sometimes Rio: sometimes Rio: but you can always learn and grow from it Grace: idk hearing that someone thinks about you the way you do should be like this 🙌 yay 🙌 moment but it just never is Grace: it's just like 💔 Rio: when you don't like the truth, as you're seeing it now, it's always gonna hurt to hear it, even if it validates your worldview Rio: truth can be changed, is my point, lies stay lies Grace: okay yeah that makes sense Rio: oh, the kids just woken up from his nap Grace: laters then Rio: yes, I'll get back to you as soon as he replies Rio: 💛 Grace: he's so gonna leave you on read hun Rio: well that's charming Grace: you're literally the only one of us he likes Grace: if he can see my name before he opens it, there's no way Rio: very awkward if he can only muster like at this stage Rio: and give me some credit, not an amateur Grace: EW don't Rio: don't be silly, I'm married to and have kids with him Rio: you're coming over to OUR house, if you are Grace: exactly you're like so OLD! Rio: oh shut up Grace: it's like thinking about mum and dad Grace: so gross Rio: lead with all of this, shall I Rio: not selling yourself here Grace: if you wanna go in with screenshots, maybe pick the ones where I say ILY or something Grace: or send him a selfie of me crying Rio: how soft do you think he is 😏 Grace: duh Grace: boys are easy Rio: hmm Grace: go away 💜 Grace: I have a mum, it's time to be someone else's Rio: 👋 Grace: 💋

[oncethrown]

Some Sunny Day Chapter 12

On AO3

@daenw

@amirosebooks

The sharp heat on his skin is familiar enough to bear a little longer. The knives have shredded him before. But he starts to struggle as the burning rips across his skin. He kicks and writhes, helpless against the straps, Alastair's laugh loud in his ears as the handprint on his shoulder bursts into flame.

"Dean? Dean? Hey, you're okay, hey, wake up."

Dean's sitting up in the dark, gasping as he realizing he was just dreaming. He's not on fire, he's not even warm, the sweat across his forehead and shoulders is cold in the air conditioned room, and there are no knives on his skin, just Tom's light touch at his shoulder.

"You okay?" Tom asks.

"Uh…" Dean tries, his voice cracking. "It's fine. I'm… fine just…"

"Nightmares," Tom says, matter of factly. "Bad ones?"

"Yes."

Tom rubs the back of Dean's neck, his thumb petting along Dean's hair line, but doesn't push Dean further.

"I'm sorry," Dean finallysays.

"For what?" Tom asks, his hand still at Dean's neck.

"For everything being…" Dean huffs. "Look, all the other times I've seen you, you've been far away from all the usual crap in my life. I didn't want to make this… dark too."

"It's not your fault, Dean," Tom says evenly, scooting further forward on the bed and setting his head to Dean's shoulder.

"If I—"

"No. You didn't fill the hotel with ghosts. You didn't fill the world with monsters. And I know you don't think you had a nightmare on purpose."

Dean wants to fight Tom on this. The apocalypse they are heading into is his fault. None of this would be happening if he'd saved Sam in time, or thought of a better plan than selling his soul, or just been strong enough at any point in the last few years. But he knows if he brings that upTom will just push it aside, and so he lets Tom pull him back down, pull covers over him, hold him, nuzzle against his shoulder.

He's had nightmares during one night stands before, but this feels different. Tom isn't being showy or going overboard in comforting him. He's just sleepily curling around Dean. Touching him like his brain isn't even involved. Dean lets it go on until Tom has stilled, and his breathing has evened out, and Dean has realized that he isn't going to be able to get back to sleep. He starts trying to work his way-out of Tom's grip, moving slow so as not to wake him, but he hasn't even reached the edge of the bed before Tom mutters  "Where are you going?"

"I can't get back to sleep that easy," Dean admits as he hears a click and the bedside lamp suddenly blares into the room.

"Sorry," Tom says, bringing his hand from the lamp to his eyes."

"It's okay. I'm just gonna get some air."

"There's a balcony," Tom offers. "And more whiskey."

Dean waves down at his naked body. "Tonight probably isn't the night to cross naked outdoor whiskey drinking of my bucket list. I'm just going to walk around a little bit."

Tom nods, but his face falls. "Are you going to come back if you leave now?"

The question momentarily stuns Dean. No one he'd just slept with had ever asked him that.

But Tom's hardly a one night stand anymore. And Dean has walked away from him plenty of times not knowing if they would ever cross paths again, bu somehow now is the time Tom looks like he doesn't believe he'll see Dean again.

"Yeah," Dean says, bending down to kiss him. "Yah, I'm coming back. I can just… walk down to that little hotel store thing and get some Benadryl or something."

Tom climbs out of bed and rifles through his pants pocket, pulling out his room key. "Here, there's a little machine down there. You pay with the key and they charge your room."

"Am I taking your key so you're sure I'm coming back?" Dean asks.

"No, you're taking my key so you can pick me us up some ice-cream," Tom answers with a smile.

***

The pajamas that Tom had thrown at Dean while specifying that he wanted Ben and Jerry's Pistachio ice-cream are about three inches too long in the leg and Dean shuffles to the elevator glad that no one else is around this late at night, and wondering if Tom is really that much taller than he is.

That Tom didn't want to admit he was sending Dean downstairs in his pajamas and with his room key in order to make sure Dean would come right back was as obvious as that fact that that was exactly why he'd done it. And the idea that someone who'd woken him up from a nightmare, and knew what he did, and watched him fail at it only a few hours before putting so much effort into getting to spend another hour or so with him before falling back to sleep was…

… A lot.

Dean finds the little store, goes to the back where the freezers are, and finds the ice-cream.

Today the first time he's let almost all of the pieces of his life collide, and instead of everything falling to shit… he'd had a nice dinner. Maybe the best sex he'd ever had. Gone to sleep.

And, while he hated seeing Tom in danger… it wasn't terrible to have him know the truth. Telling him the kind of stories he never got to tell anyone had been fun. Made him feel lighter. And even with Alistair's laughter still in his ears being comforted like that was…

He's so absorbed in this thought that he's not even reading the labels, and he doesn't hear footsteps behind him.

He jumps when he hears his name, turns, and freezes when he sees Sam.

Sam's in gym clothes, just a little red in the face. He's giving Dean's clothes- the hotel bathrobe, the soft blue henly, and the overlong green and blue plaid pajama pants a once over that stops a little too long at the side of Dean's neck. Dean keeps himself from bringing his hand to the spot, but remembers with startling clarity the sensation of Tom's teeth there earlier.

"I followed you down to the bar to apologize," Sam says. "But you weren't there."

Dean shrugs and forces a grin. "I uh… met someone," he says. His tone is almost perfect. Almost convincing. Not convincing enough to over shadow the fact that he's standing here in what are very clearly another man's pajamas, though, because Sam crosses his arms over his chest and raises his eyebrows. "You picked up a girl in the ten minutes it took me to follow you?"

Dean shrugs. "There weren't a lot of people at the hotel bar. I went down the street."

"Where down the street?" Sam asks.

"The steakhouse," Dean answers. "The girl at the desk said it was good, I wanted to go somewhere quiet and I was starving."

Sam scoffs and nods. "Right. Okay. Fine."

Dean can feel the argument in his throat. Sam was lying to him earlier. Why can't Dean keep his harmless lie if Sam is keeping a bigger one? Why can't he just have this? After everything that collided today, can't he just keep this one thing separate?

"Why am I getting the third degree here?" Dean asks. "You're the one out running in the middle of the night."

"The middle of…" Sam starts. "Dean, it's 10:30."

This comes as a genuine shock. Dean recovers as quickly as he can. "Oh."

Sam's exasperation turns to genuine concern. "Are you okay? You've been weird all day."

It's hard to be mad at Sam when he's just trying to help, and it's hard to lie when Dean's been honest for the first time all night. He looks up at Sam's face, and remembers a couple years ago, when Tom had asked him how he thought Sam would react, and Dean hadn't been able to imagine anything terrible. Awkward. Uncomfortable. Embarrassing. Shameful.

But not terrible.

Sam had forgiven him for what he'd done in Hell. Nothing could ever be worse than that.

Dean clears his throat. "Okay, look… the guy who came by the room earlier? I told him where we were staying, because I ran into him earlier in the afternoon and I told him he should come by if he saw anything weird and I was a little freaked out to see him here."

"Why?"

"Because," Dean starts. "I know him."

Sam looks over Dean's borrowed pajamas and hickey again, then asks, gently, "From where?"

"Carthage, Oregon."

On AO3

[lettersofsky]

I loved the Strifesodos OTP thing!! Now, can I get a Closso one, please? (You've made me love the pairing, as I'm sure you've noticed.)

OTP QuestionsHere’s some more things for you Wings! These ones are longer and a bit more rambly as I haven’t written enough Closso stuff (but that’s gonna change!)

1: Who spends almost all their money on the other?Cloud does, he wants to show Rosso everything the surface has to offer withleads to a lot of adventures and having to explain things to her, which may ormay not force Cloud to consider his own thoughts and viewpoints on things. Rosso still has no concept of money and she prefers to expend effort on thingsfor Cloud; ‘You were tired after returning so I went out and killed somethingbefore cooking it, I hope you are pleased.’

2: Who sleeps in the other’s lap?Rosso does; she considers it an absolute show of trust, to make herself sovulnerable around someone else. She’ll sprawl out on the couch with Cloud, sohe can ensure that no danger approaches her while she’s vulnerable; a habit shehasn’t been able to lose since her DEEPGROUND days. Cloud will fall asleep on her on occasions and she feels very proud of herselfthen, that he’s extending that same show of trust to her is very gratifying,especially after a fight; they’ll be bloodied and bruised and he’ll justcollapse on her, uncaring of the fact that they both still held their weaponsin their hands. Rosso likes those moments, they’re good.

3: Who walks around the house half-naked andwho yells at them to put on some clothes?This is definitely Rosso (have you seen her outfit?) She’s so unashamed of itand doesn’t understand why Cloud keeps handing her things to change into whensomeone is planning to appear in their home. They’re warm and soft though, soshe’ll usually humour him and put the things on but they’re off the moment the guestleaves.

4: Which one tells theother not to stay up all night and which one stays up all night anyway?There are days when Rosso just won’t settle and won’t be able to sleep whichleads to a lot of coaxing on Cloud’s part to try to convince her to at leastlie down instead of whatever she’s doing, it doesn’t always work, and she’llspend some nights pacing the entire apartment tense and waiting for someone totry to attack them, often alone but occasionally Cloud will stay awake withher. The occurrences die down eventually until they only really happen after aparticularly tense or trying day.

5: Which one tries tomake food for the other but burns it all by accident and which one tells themthat it’s okay and makes them both cookies?Rosso can’t cook for the first few months out of DEEPGROUND at all, it’s aterrible mess of frustrating lessons and trying to figure out what she’s doingwrong. Cloud makes cookies for the both of them because cookies are good, heremembers making them with his Ma after a bad day and they helped so he makesthem, explaining everything he does as letting her see exactly what he’s doing.She can help him more the next time they make them.

6: Which one reads OTPprompts and says “Oh that’s us!” and which one goes “Eh, not really”?It’s more like Rosso asking “Is this supposed to be us? Are we going this ‘romance’thing wrong?” because she doesn’t under the society on the surface and on occasionsshe worries that she’s doing things wrong. Cloud tells her that relationshipsare widely different depending on the people in them and that theirrelationship was perfectly fine.

7: Which oneconstantly wears the other’s clothes?The only way to get Rosso into formal wear for the stupid parties Shinra andReeve invites them to is for Cloud to wear the dress in advance, which is a funday. She mostly resists now just to see him in the fabric, he may or may not beentirely aware of that.

8: Which one spendsall day running errands and which one says “You remembered [thing], right?”Rosso would spend the day running errands to try to do a nice thing only to becomeextremely irritated when Cloud points out that she’s forgotten something beforeleaving and possibly terrifying everyone around her as she retrieves the thing.Cloud’s very grateful to her for going out and doing all the things so he triesto calm her down and reassure her that it’s alright that she forgot one smallthing, to varying results.

9: Which one drivesthe car and which one gives them directions?Cloud drives while Rosso gives incredibly accurate directions, down to the mile.She was given extensive lessons in reading maps of all kinds while inDEEPGROUND, they won’t become lost on her watch.

10: Which one does theposing while the other one draws?Rosso definitely poses for Cloud whenever he asks her to, she’s used toextended periods of stillness and she enjoys having all his attention focusedupon her for that duration.

11: If they were aboutto rob a museum, which one does backflips through lasers and which one isstrolling behind with a bag of chips?Rosso would be doing backflips just to prove she could do it, probablybecause Cloud’s dared her to, and while it would be safer to do it in a morecautious manner, she’s going to prove that she can do it this way. Cloud’sslowly regretting the dare, but not because this is hilarious.

12: Whichone of your OTP overdoes it on the alcohol and which one makes the other stopdrinking?Neither of them really overdoes it with the alcohol; Rosso doesn’t often partakein it and Cloud over really has a few drinks with friends on occasion, so theydon’t really have that problem.

13: Which one likes tosurprise the other with a lot of small random gifts?Cloud will bring Rosso things back from his deliveries; little knick-knacks or thingspicked up from the local market to bring back, little bits of other people’sthoughts and lives imprinted on wood or stone or ceramic. She’s curious aboutthe objects and the reasons behind him and has a large list of places she wishesto go after she’s ‘allowed’ to leave Edge.

14: Which one keepsaccidentally using the other’s last name instead of their own?Rosso doesn’t have a last name and ‘Strife’ is so much easier to say than ‘theCrimson’, so she’ll use Cloud’s last name when she needs one or when she’sforced to introduce herself to people. Cloud’s friends tease him about this relentlessly.

15: Which one screams about the spider andwhich one brings the spider outside?Neither of them screams but Cloud needs to quickly take the spider outside elseRosso will kill it; spiders were very dangerous creatures down in DEEPGROUNDand many, many people died to their venom. She’s not taking any chances, shewatches Cloud very closely as he disposes of the arachnid, weary of thecreature biting him and ready to cast an Esuna on him if it does.

16: Which one gives theother their jacket?Rosso will not get a jacket for herself! And when she finally does, shedoesn’t take it with her anywhere! Cloud keeps shoving his jacket at herbecause ‘I can SEE your lips turning BLUE! Take the stupid jacket and STOP FREEZING!’

17: Whokeeps getting threatened by the other’s overprotective older sibling?The first time Rosso is threatened by one of Cloud’s friends, she’s offended onhis behalf and the fact that they think they need to intercede on his part in amatter that does not concern them. She ensures they know her stance on thewhole ‘shovel talk’ concept before leaving.

18: Who’s the first oneto admit they have feelings for the other?Cloud was, Rosso has no idea how emotions worked and didn’t have the knowledgeto realize that her lust for Cloud had grown into something a bit more. Cloudwas fully expecting to be turned down, kept to a casual sex partner, butinstead he had the trying task of explaining that particular set of emotions toRosso and somehow ended up with a kinda, maybe girlfriend? He’s not to sure fora while afterwards.

19: How good would yourOTP be at parenting?Terrible. No. Don’t give them children. Rosso would be an awful parent. Nevergive her a child. Ever.

20: Whichone types with perfect grammar and which one types using numbers as letters?Rosso has the perfect grammar typing and while Cloud does the text speak whensending messages to his friends, he doesn’t to her because she gets confused byit (so does Vincent)

21: Who gets attackedby a bully and who protects them?Systematic discrimination is something they’d both have to deal with after literallyeverything that’s ever happened, and while Rosso doesn’t notice it at all, refusingto let the opinions of others affect her but Cloud’s a bit softer than she isand while she doesn’t see the point of defending herself from someone sobeneath her, she’s on board for defending Cloud from those people, often to theextent of extreme violence.

22: Who makes the badpuns and who makes a pained smile every time the other makes a pun?Neither, Rosso doesn’t get puns and Cloud hates them just the tiniest amount.If anything, Tifa makes puns while they’re around, simultaneously trying toteach Rosso about humour and making Cloud cringe.

23: Who comes home fromwork to see that the other one bought a puppy?Rosso comes home to see that Cloud’s picked up a puppy/kitten, fully vaccinatedand with all the supplies the animal would need, as if he’s been planning thisfor weeks instead of it being a spur of the moment decision.

24: Which one gives theother a piggyback ride when they’re tired?Rosso refuses to show weakness, of any kind, if they’re coming back from aspar and she’s broken her ankle or leg during the fight then she might acceptit but beyond that, nope. Cloud will accept them shamelessly, Rosso’s verystrong and she could probably carry him for days.

25: Whichone competes in some sort of activity and which one does the overzealouscheering?Rosso’s so very competitive it’s not funny, she do her best to crush any opponentbeneath her heel. Cloud’s her very soft cheerleader, laughing at her for howintent she is to best all the children in the video game (I’m imagining Minecrafthere and Cloud insisting to her that it’s not a competitive game even as shemakes amazing structures, art pieces and murders any that come near her extensivenetwork).

26: Whotakes a selfie when the other one falls asleep on their shoulder?Cloud takes the selfie to capture the sweet image forever, because this neverhappens like this and she’s so cute and oh god Tifa help me I’m in affectionwith a maniac!

27: Whichone would give the other a makeover if they asked?If Rosso asked then Cloud would give her one, she askes him for help preparing forformal parties, because make-up is hard and she really doesn’t care to learnit.

28: Which one owns apet that the other is absolutely terrified of?Neither, I don’t think Rosso actually knows what fear is (aside from beingstrapped to a cold metal table as faceless figures in white stare down at you,sharp implements in hand. That’s fear) and Cloud loves all the animals ever.

29: Which one holds theumbrella over both of them when it rains?Rosso loves the rain so much, she loves being in it and Cloud has to force herto stay under the umbrella so she doesn’t catch a cold but it never works outthe way he wants it to and the umbrella often ends up on the ground as theybecome soaked to the bone (this is actually a really cute scenario and I needto remember it for later).

30: If your OTP went onvacation, where would they go and what would they do? Who would take thepictures?Cloud would take Rosso to all of the places, she’s never seen anything outsideof Edge so seeing all the different environments and ecosystems will besomething he’s sure she’ll enjoy. He takes all the pictures of her figuringthings out and discovering things for the first time (the picture of her out inthe storm is his absolute favourite)

[dankcranks]

I'm boreddddddd got any stories you want to share with the world? (It can be about cats because I know you love those fluffy babes)

you mentioned cats and Boy Howdy do i have some stories about cats! remember the other day when i was talking about how i’m like one of those dads with an accordion picture thing in his wallet overflowing with pictures of his children? yeah i’m gonna tell you the story about when i got tomi and him being but a wee babe.

putting this under a read more cause Hot Dang i gotta go through every fucking detail about how my babe came into my life like the proud dad i am (there will be a teeny weeny babe pic included at the end).

it was back when i was 18. i had a job at mcdonald’s as a manager. now, the mcdonald’s i worked at was one of those highway mcdonald’s. this particular one shared a building with a gas station, coffee shop, and a go kart place. 

it was the weekend, and i was working the closing shift. i was out on the floor covering the post-dinner rush breaks, when a girl who also worked there but had the day off stopped in with an ITTY BITTY BABY KITTEN IN HER ARMS!!! it was TINY!!!! i asked her about her little babe (mistake #1), and it turns out the guy who owned the go kart place was giving these kittens away for free.

so, after i finished covering crew breaks, i throw a drive thru headset around my neck (so i can stay in contact with my crew) and head out back to the go kart dudes to “just look at the kittens” (mistake #2). i go up to the owner and quite literally say “so i hear you have kittens”. he goes into the shop, and comes out with a storage bin that has a blanket covering the top. he sets this bin down in front of me, takes the blanket off, and i’m immediately confronted with four TEENY WEENY BABES making TEENY WEENY BABY NOISES. there was a significant amount of freaking out on my part. they were TINY. the babes were only three weeks old. they could hardly walk, let alone hold their heads up. i asked him a few questions about the babes, nod along to the answers, and end the conversation by asking what time he’s there til before i head back inside (the guy lied about, like, everything, but i don’t particularly want to go into that right now because i’ll get mad lol).

immediately after getting back (and checking on how the crew’s doing), i get on the phone with my parents (mistake #3) and start begging and pleading to my mother about getting one of these itty bitty babes.

now, a month prior to this, my parents just got their puppy jager. he was moreso my mom’s dog, and as such, she was exhausted from caring for and training the new pupper. my mom absolutely DID NOT WANT another baby animal in the house. i begged and pleaded with her about how she wouldn’t be the one caring for the kitten, that i’d be caring for it and all that, and she got fed up with arguing with me eventually and told me to “talk to your father”, thus handing the phone over to him.

some context here. my dad is one of those I’m Not A Cat Person and I Like Dogs kind of guys (you know, the ones that act like they don’t like cats because of their fragile masculinity). so, to this day, i’m 100% sure that the entire reason my mom even handed the phone over to my dad was because she thought my dad was going to Shut Me The Fuck Down. 

what happened was, he asked me a few questions. will i feed the cat (yes), will i help with cleaning the litter box (yes) (we also had a family cat at the time), would i take care of the vet bills (yes), would i love the kitten even when it becomes a cat and gets old (sweet baby jesus yes), all that kind of stuff. after what was probably less than two minutes of talking to my dad, he gave me the okay to get one of the kittens, to which i promptly freaked out, told him i loved him, and hung the up the fucking phone. 

(it was a few years after this that i found out my mom spent roughly an hour tearing into my dad for letting me get a kitten)

now, there was a cat carrier at my parents house for our family cat, but that was, you know, at my parents house, and not presently with me at work. also, the time between when the go kart dude would close shop and head home, and the time i’d be finished closing mcdonald’s was just over two hours. so i had to find something to put the kitten i’d be getting in for that last part of my shift. i ended up finding an empty ciabatta box, which were these shallow boxes, roughly the size of a computer tower on it’s side. i figured that out of all the other boxes, that would be best, since it was a decent amount of space for a kitten to crawl around in, and the sides of the box were high enough that it wouldn’t be able to get out. i put some tray liners on the bottom of the box and headed back out with it to the go karts.

so the dude sees me coming back with the ciabatta box, and gets the storage container with the tiny babes in it. now came the hard part - which babe did i want to dedicate roughly 18 years of my life to? again, i was 18 at the time, so i was about to make a decision to spend roughly the same amount of time i’d been alive with another living being. the four babes i had to choose from were partially white, with the other part of them being either brown or grey. two were brown, two were grey. i had no fucking idea how i was supposed to choose. there i was, in a back parking lot, squatted over a bin with kittens in them, making a decision on what animal i wanted to love and care for over the next 18 years. i wasn’t even done high school yet (i was going into grade 12 that fall), where the fuck would i even be in two years?

but then i noticed something. one of the grey babes, it’s left eye was a lazy eye. i was so fucking endeared. i’m pretty sure there was some stuff going through my head about how “this one’s the odd one out and i’ve always been the odd one out so i want this one” going on in my head, so i fucking took the grey and white babe with the lazy eye. i put the babe in the ciabatta box lined with tray liners, and headed back over to mcdonald’s.

i finished out the rest of my shift with ease. i was a champion closer, and it was kinda at that time before close where you get into closing mode anyway. i kept my babe on the desk in the managers office for the remainder of the shift, checking on him frequently as i helped with pre-close stuff, and finally, there with my babe doing the manager shit that’s gotta be done after close.

so once we’re all done closing and i’ve seen my crew off, i get my stuff, grab the ciabatta box my babe is in, and head to my car. i drive home with the ciabatta box in the passenger seat of my car (i couldn’t bare to put the babe in the back seat - i wanted the babe beside me for the drive). it’s not a long drive back from work, only 15 minutes, and before i know it, i’m in the driveway.

now, this next part sticks out so fucking clearly in my mind.

the door we use to go inside at my parents house enters into this landing that’s partway between the main floor and the basement. there’s a set of stairs from this landing to the basement, and a set of starts up to the main floor. the set of stairs to the main floor leads to the kitchen, which is directly connected to the dining room.

i come up the stairs, ciabatta box in hand, and there’s my mom, sitting at the table, looking absolutely furious (remember, we’d only had the pupper jager for a month, and my mom was exhausted from taking care of him, and hadn’t wanted me to get a kitten babe). she didn’t even look over at me (very out of character for my mom). so i waltz right over to the kitchen table, place the ciabatta box on it, pick up my babe, and plot the babe right into my moms hands (the babe is so tiny you can hold in one hand, but my mom held out both). the babe lifts his head up, looks up at my mom, and lets out the tiniest little babe meow.

and my mom immediately burst into tears.

any and all anger about the fact there would be another baby animal in the house was eliminated the moment this tiny baby looked up at her and made a little peep.

after my mom calmed down, we sat down together with the babe and started researching how to care for such a young kitten. my new babe was so fucking young, that my mom and i couldn’t even figure out definitively what gender the babe was. i tentatively called the babe tomi, after the guitarist in the band i was in love with at the time, and we continued about our research of how to care for this babe. 

i kinda mentioned earlier how the dude at the go karts lied about the kittens, and i’m still not going to go too much in it, but fact is, these kittens shouldn’t have been given away at this age. they weren’t weaned from their mother yet. so i was very hands on with my babe for the first little bit (like, i spend the first week wiping my babe’s bum with a warm cloth to simulate how cat moms get kittens to go to the bathroom). i had to get kitten formula to feed to my new babe through a syringe until i could get my babe onto kibble. but my babe actually growing up is a whole different story. this is about when i got my babe.

the day after i brought my babe home, i called the vet to make an appointment. i couldn’t get an appointment that day, but made one early the next. i was able to run into town and get a few things for my new babe, namely the kitten formula, so i could start properly feeding. i won’t lie, those first 24hrs were fucking stressful. i’d never had my own babe before, and my babe was young. neither of my parents had cared for a cat so young either. it took a while to get my babe to take the formula from the syringe, and even longer to go to the bathroom. but i was persistent. i loved this babe so much already, and i wanted to care for this babe the best i could.

anyway, i took my babe to the vet, and she was able to confirm that my babe was indeed a boy. she confirmed some of the concerns i had too, namely the fact that he shouldn’t have been taken from his mother for at least another three fucking weeks, but as long as i stayed on top of his care, he would be fine. and stay on top of his care i did.

so, pics.

these pics are from the day i took him to the vet. it’s kinda hard to get a gauge on size, but trust me, he was fucking tiny. again, you could literally hold him in one hand.

LOOK AT THIS SLEEPY BABE!!! the red towel i have on top of him is a small hand towel with “i love you” and some hearts embroidered on it. i still have this towel tucked away in my memory box.

unfortunately, i don’t actually have too many pics of him when he was this size. digital cameras weren’t commonplace yet, and most cell phones didn’t have cameras in them (yeah, i’m fucking old).

i do have this pic of him from the first week i got him, hanging with jager

you can kinda tell, but tomi still didn’t have his legs figured out yet.

also LOOK AT HIM BEIN A TOUGH BABE!! EVEN AT ONLY FOUR AND A HALF WEEKS OLD, HE ALREADY WANTED TO FIGHT!!!!

MY BABE IS SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT AND I LOVE HIM WITH MY ENTIRE HEART!!!!!!

this next pic is blurry af i know, but I HAVE STORY WITH IT TOO

this picture is about two weeks after i got him. he’s drinking formula from a saucer for the first time. but you see that green thing beside the saucer? that’s a bottle cap from an apple juice bottle, and that’s what i got him to drink formula out of only a few hours prior all on his own for the first time ever outside of a syringe.

anyway. i’m all weepy eyed now, cause i always get weepy thinking back on when i first got my babe, and anytime i look at these pictures. nine years later, i have a big fuzzy baby who i love more every day.

here have some pics i took just now for comparison

HE SO FUZZ!! MUCH TOE BEAN!!!! VERY SLEEP!!!!!! (also sherlock chillin behind him lol)

he very sleepy and grumpers here (he’s already back asleep lol), but LOOK AT HIM!!!!! MY BABE!!!!! LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BABE WHO I HAVE GIVEN MY WHOLE ENTIRE HEART TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway this has gone on long enough and has served as nothing but a way to expose myself further as a stereotypical dad that has to talk at length about and in great detail about his child. if you ever want more stories, i have plenty (the story of his dirty formula chin is probs my fav)

have one last departing sleepy face pic because i have no control and am always compelled to shove as many pics of my babe as possible down peoples throats (i DID warn y’all i’m one of those annoying dads)