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roundabout-now-blog · 7 years

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Coffin Collector

Characters Cab Driver, scruffy-looking, over-worked, and slightly shady man in his mid-thirties. Franklin, middle aged, funeral home owner who is extremely lazy.

Setting: The play takes place in the front office of Franklin’s Funeral Home. To the right side is a large and very cluttered desk. To the left are several coffins on display and the front door.

Act 1, Scene 1 The cab driver walk’s into Franklin’s Funeral Home, frantic. Franklin is sitting in a squashy desk chair behind his messy desk, intently staring into space.

FRANKLIN (With little emotion and no change in focus.) Franklin’s Funeral Home, we take care of the deceased but not your grief, who’s dead?

CAB DRIVER You have to help me! A man just died in the backseat of my cab; I think he had a heart attack. I need the cheapest coffin you’ve got!

FRANKLIN (His tone of voice barely changes, despite the content of this conversation) Whoa, hold on mister, I don’t just sell coffins. We plan funeral services. Do you not want a service for your former customer? CAB DRIVER No! I don’t even know the guy. I just need to get rid of his dead body! My boss would flip and I’d lose my job. Can you take care of him for me?

FRANKLIN (Franklin looks down at the pile of papers in front of him and shuffles them around nonchalantly) ‘fraid I can’t son, too busy today, too many other funerals to handle.

CAB DRIVER (The cab driver, looking around sees nobody else in the office and no other cars in the parking lot outside.) But I’m the only one in here! Why can’t you help me now? (He begins to panic, he sees a plain coffin on display in the corner) I’ll take this one! (He tries to open the coffin but it is either stuck or locked)

FRANKLIN (From over the top of a crumpled newspaper that he has pulled out of his desk.) You need the key…

CAB DRIVER Well can I have it?!

FRANKLIN (Lackadaisically) No.

CAB DRIVER Well, why the hell not? I’ll pay for the damn coffin and his cremation right now!” (He begins to pull his wallet out of his back pocket.) FRANKLIN (Franklin sinks lower in his chair, eyes only half open.) You’ve got to fill out a ton of paperwork before you can have the coffin and I just don’t feel like dealing with all that right now.

CAB DRIVER Oh my god! (He exits and re-enters a moment later dragging the body of a well-dressed business man.) If you don’t help me, I’m gonna leave this guy here and it’ll look like you murdered him! (The cab driver hauls the body over to the chair in front of Franklin’s desk and shoves him into it.)

FRANKLIN Alright, relax, I’ll help you! Wait, didn’t you say he had a heart attack?

CAB DRIVER (Looking over his shoulder) Of course, he did! I just know it’ll look bad for you if you have a body here that you aren’t taking care of. (He puts his hands deep in his jacket pockets.)

FRANKLIN Whatever you say, I guess (Franklin closes his eyes and sighs. There is an abnormally long pause.) I’ll help, but you have to get me out of this chair first. (Cab driver walks around the desk hastily and begins to lift Franklin out of his chair. Franklin is making no effort to help and slips out of the cab driver’s arms. Franklin slumps to the floor. Only his head and upper body are visible from behind the desk.) The keys are in my back pocket, you’ll have to find the right one for that coffin.

CAB DRIVER (He digs for the keys in Franklin’s back pocket. Franklin continues to lay motionless on the floor.) Thanks for all your help, man. (He jams key after key into the coffin until he finds the correct one. He then gets the dead business man from the chair and drags him over to the open coffin. With a lot of effort, he hauls the man into the box.)

FRANKLIN No problem… but you are going to have to fill out the paperwork.

CAB DRIVER Alright, let’s make it quick though. I have to get back to work. (He sits in the chair that was previously occupied by the dead man and pulls a pen out of his pocket)

FRANKLIN (Franklin takes a deep breath from the floor and attempts to pull himself up into his desk chair. His strength fails him and he flops back to the floor.) Ugh… the paperwork is in the left desk drawer. (He points at the desk, barely lifting his arm.)

CAB DRIVER (The cab driver goes around the desk, pulls at packet of papers from the drawer and sits in Franklin’s chair to fill them out) Can I just sign this stuff and you take care of the rest? (He looks nervous and is bouncing his leg rapidly under the desk)

FRANKLIN (Franklin sighs again.) No, I just realized I’m gonna have to help you with the forms. Can you help me into my chair?

CAB DRIVER (The cab driver stands and starts to lift Franklin up from under his arms. It is clear that Franklin is nothing but dead weight and the cab driver struggles to get him back into the chair. Once he does and hurries around to the other chair, tapping his foot at high speed as soon as he sits down.) Okay, what do I need to do? Like I said, I need to get back to work.

FRANKLIN (He slowly takes a pen out of his desk drawer. It looks like he is trying to conserve energy.) What kind of flowers do you think he would like?

CAB DRIVER (He is starting to get exasperated and panicky.) How should I know? I only just met the guy.

FRANKLIN I just thought that since he croaked in your cab, you’d have more of a relationship, so to speak.

CAB DRIVER No, there wasn’t much of a connection.

FRANKLIN I guess we’ll just put down that you want lilies. They are very popular for summer funerals. (He delicately writes a notes on the form.) CAB DRIVER Okay, whatever. (He looks over his shoulder again.)

FRANKLIN So, is this your only job or do you make money on the side as well? CAB DRIVER No, I have a side job. You can’t support a family on only a cab driver’s salary.

FRANKLIN (For the first time, Franklin looks a little more awake and pushes himself to the edge of his seat. It obviously is taking a lot of energy.) I see, and is this side job going to get in the way of this guy’s burial?

CAB DRIVER (Something seems to snap inside the cab driver. He goes rather rigid.) No, why would it? (Franklin pulls his cell phone out of his desk drawer and starts texting someone, while the cab driver looks over his shoulder, once again.) Do you have anything to drink? I really worked up a sweat moving this guy. It’s not every day I haul bodies around, you know. (The cab driver pulls on the collar of his shirt and wipes the sweat from the back of his neck)

FRANKLIN Yeah, sure. (Franklin takes a bottle of water out of his desk drawer and gingerly hands it to the cab driver and quickly pulls his hand away. This is the fastest we have seen him move so far.)

CAB DRIVER Thanks.

FRNAKLIN Yup. (Franklin fills out some more of the paperwork, glancing at the cab driver sporadically. The cab driver is paying no attention. He is looking at the coffin that is occupying the dead man. His leg is bouncing faster than ever.)

CAB DRIVER How long is this gonna take, man? I have to get back to work.

FRANKLIN It should only take a few more minutes. I just have to put down how many people you will be expecting at the funeral, which priest will be giving the service, what church the service will take place at, how long the wake will be, what type of refreshments you would like at the wake, what cemetery or crematorium he will be sent to, and the dates and times of all of them. CAB DRIVER (The cab driver looks surprised and scared.) Wait, I thought I was only paying to ship the guy to the crematorium, I don’t want a whole funeral. I don’t have that kind of money or time. I just need to get rid of him. He’s not my problem anymore.

FRANKLIN (Paying little attention to the cab driver, Franklin continues to gradually fill out the forms) This is just part of our service. We don’t just cremate people. He will have to be laid out first.

CAB DRIVER Okay, okay! Fine! Whatever you have to do, just do it! (He begins to wring his hands in his lap)

FRANKLIN Why are you in such a rush? You are planning a funeral. It is going to take time.

CAB DRIVER How much time!? I need to get back to work!! (He jumps out of his seat and starts pacing around the office, staring at the floor, and biting his finger nail.)

FRANKLIN I don’t think that your boss would be too mad at you if he knew you were kindly planning a customer’s funeral instead of resuming your day on the job.

CAB DRIVER No, he would kill me! I’m supposed to dispose of, I mean, take care of the customers in a timely fashion! (A look of shock spreads over his face. He realizes that he has let something slip.)

FRANKLIN (Unfazed by the comment that the cab driver just made, continues to stare at the forms.) Well, don’t worry we are almost done here.

CAB DRIVER Thank god… (The sirens of a police car can be heard from offstage. The cab driver begins to panic and fidget madly.) I think I have to go now. Can we meet another time to finish this? What’s your number? I’ll just call you and give you the information that you need. How much is this going to cost me?

FRANKLIN It’s going to be about five grand, and that just the minimum. If you want to take advantage of some of the nicer things that we offer, it will be more.

CAB DRIVER What!? That much?!

FRANKLIN Yup. (The sirens are growing louder every second. The cab driver looks around and then makes a break for the door. Franklin lets him go.) Oh, well. (Franklin slumps back in his chair and goes back to staring into space.)

-Karolina Holmstrom

#10minplay

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