#10.21.12

[colin-field-pics]

Sabino - 2017-03-17 10.21.12

[theresaathaai-blog]

Nice talk, eh?

I asked you how you and that girl are. It didn’t hurt a single bit!

You knew that I was over you already since I asked that. But .. Somehow it led to the truth. What I’ve been wanting to know for the past 7 months.

You asked me why I would do such a thing to myself. You called me stupid for doing so. None of my friends know what I did. Only you know, well at least now you do. Well to your answer your question, I did it because of you.

But here’s the outcome, I’m happy. I’ve never been happier. I’ve realized, there’s so much more to life. There’s so many things to be happy about. To laugh and smile about. I still have a long way to go and I’m definitely not going to spend my time moping around the past.

Besides, it’s senior year. I’ve got to make the best out of it and enjoy it. I definitely do not want to look back 10 years from now and see that I was miserable and depressed because of you.

Well, I hope you’re happy with her. You really do seem happy. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you as happy as she can, but my happiness ALWAYS comes first before anyone else’s. You don’t have to worry about me anymore, because I’m happy now. But it’s not like you were even worrying about me, afterwards.

We’ve finally managed to stay friends but the sad thing is, I’ve lost all of my trust in you.

{ I'd have to admit though, I miss the friendship we used to have before any of this started. And that is the only reason why you're still in my life even if you hurt me real bad. Our friendship was undescribable! No one understood our friendship except us! :) I miss the good talks and conversations we used to have. I guess being more than friends wasn't such a good idea for us. But I'm glad it happened. Because I've learned a lot and a lot about you during those 7 months we spent together. But hey, all good things come to an end. Also, I always kept a quote in the back of my head, "nothing lasts forever no matter how good it is today." Well, I guess you were right about how we had so much in common that it just wouldn't work. I don't know... It just makes me wonder how you could even give up so easily and so fast with no hesitation. I should stop now because I'm just rambling. }

"In my absence, he found his happiness."

[thedumblyfe]

10.21.12

I can't believe I still have to rely on sparknotes in college. 

[sicgurl]

I srsly need to be asleep right now, I have a super busy/exciting day ahead of me tomorrow at work. However, I am still on cloud 9 from tonight! :)

[journaldator]

(10.21.12/11:19PM)

I'm not really thinking about much tonight. Of course, this does not mean that I'm not thinking about you, I am. I'm thinking about you right now as always. I'm pretty sure you had a great day but I'm just going to go along with everything and hope that you had a great day. Whatever.

It'd be nice if you'd texted me for once to start a conversation. That'll probably put me in ease thinking that you might want to talk to me about things. I'm getting pretty bothered by the fact that I have to be the one checking up on you by texting you first, for a couple of days now.

Like, I don't get it. Do you not want to talk to me or am I just bugging you. And, on top of that, your responses are so different now. It's like you're too busy focused on talking to whomever, but when it comes to me, it seems like you'd have to write anything just to get it over with.

If that's the case then I'll just stop texting you from now on and pause any communication with you. And until you're ready to just pick up the phone and be the first person to opt a conversation with me, by all means go ahead. By you being happy, doesn't mean you can just shut me off. Jeez, whatever happened to mutual respect?

I don't want it to make it seem like you're hurting me, but you really are. I'm going through so much pain because you're finally at that stage where you're interested in someone and I have to be the one who'll put up with it. But I can take it. I don't know for how long, but I can take it. I'll endure it until the day we're ready to give "us" a try.

[lifted-words]

10.17.12

i am not who i used to be,

surrounded by people

but not knowing who they were.

i am not the same anymore,

laughing with the same people

but barely understanding their soul.

i am not the person you once knew,

crowded by people -- busy,

but not seeing their intentions.

i am what i am now,

stripping people left and right

from my reach,

if they ever try to hurt me -- in any way.

i am the one building the walls now

higher than the moon,

so they dont get in.

i am the person who is lonely

and trying so hard not to be

but asking

is it for the better?

[thedumblyfe]

10.21.12

Heyyy.

Again, thanks to Chanbara practice, my life's happy again. I'm not twisting down in a mental breakdown because some douchebag just betrayed my friendship. It reminds me of my mom and how whenever she's stressed out she would lash out on me and my brother. But sometimes she says that she needs to go to dance clubs and fuck with everyone just to forget all of that stress and how if she's not allowed to do even that, taking care of her children by herself is going to make her "mentally unstable that she needs to go to a mental hospital". 

Sigh. But I now understand why you just need to have those "hobbies" to take your mind off of horrible things. Chanbara practice always, always puts a smile on my face whenever we finish, and all the members there are just such wonderful people, even though they may be hardcore otakus who yell "shineeeeeee" or do this dance from Zelda. It's so uplifting that I rather do chanbara than draw. 

I don't know what I'm saying, but I just want to say that these people are so wonderful, and the good thing about this is that they're not "friends-friends", meaning that no, I don't hang out with them outside of practice and no I don't exchange secrets or crushes with them. They're just, really good people who I see twice a week, and maybe that's the way to go. 

Because in the current situation I'm in right now, one "close" friend just blow me off, and I'm still fucking pissed off about that. And now I'm even more fucking cautious of who's going to be my "close" friend and who's going to be my "acquaintances" here in this school. 

Love all, trust few. That's what one of my close friends said to me once, and I'm just going to stick with that, even though I strayed a little bit. 

With that, I need to join in on some more clubs, now that my friend count just depleted. 

[purenumbers]

10/21/12

1 = (2-1)*|1-2|

1 = (2*1)*(1/2)

|102-112| = 10

[thedumblyfe]

10.21.12

Urgh, I need a fucking self-improvement book or something because this dislike-turned-fucking-hatred is eating me up and I don't have anyone to talk to about these feelings right now besides this fucking laptop. 

[thedumblyfe]

10.21.12

Go fuck yourself. 

Everything's all fun and games for you while I'm suffering. 

And you call yourself my friend?

Go fucking kill yourself. You are the absolute WORST friend I ever had. 

Jesus christ, you are the second "friend" in my entire life who I had to sever ties with COMPLETELY, the other friend being Ref. I swear to god, that's the fucking rarest thing I would do in my life, but this time you completely fucked me over so hard that I do another "de-friending". 

This friend is the same friend who acts all depressed around everyone so that he can feel empowered. I am so FUCKING sick of his attitude, and because of his attitude, I wasted my time, my effort, and my money on him trying to cheer him up. And the really funny part about this is that he doesn't give a shit about what I do for him. He appreciates all the 'attention' he gets, but he doesn't do the same for his friends, which is ironic because many times he called me his 'only good friend'. 

Fuck you. Fuck you so hard, I hope you die one fucking thousand times over in hell or something. 

I'm not the type of person who appreciates being abused and left out to defend for myself because of my generosity. Believe me, I can be a complete bitch when I hate people, but to my friends, and only to my friends and family, I try my best to please them and have a good time together. I cook for them, I absolutely love having those long conversations with them alone especially on the subway or just walking on the street, I draw for them, I help them on their homework, I try my best to cheer them up when they're having a bad time (esp. for this fucking jerk who eats painkillers every 12 minutes like it's candy). 

And seriously, I don't NEED anything in return, because that's my love that I want people to receive without feeling guilty.

But. 

If your going to return my love by making me do it ever more just to feel good about yourself, or by making me feel like a tool, like a fucking sex toy that you play with and toss to the side when you're done doing your business, especially when you fuck me over by doing so because I have other priorities like my school grades or speaking to my mom who I haven't seen for 2 months now that I'm NOT doing because I'm making you feel good, then go find someone else to fuck around with. (lmao I sound like I had sex or something but I didn't, I'm just making figurative comparisons) 

Go fuck yourself. I swear to god I've never been this mad at a "friend" before since my fight with ref, which was back in sophomore year in high school. 

[thedumblyfe]

10.21.12

In the end, I think having no friends is the best way to exploit the most out of my college education. I can't stand how academically stupid and ignorant people are here who can't even understand someone else's emotions. 

[sicgurl]

Super excited for the Carina Round w/Rosi Golan show @ Jammin' Java tonight! :)