#1) i am against the trend of telling people to die on the internet always and forever

[annarubys]

the urge to explain what i mean on my own post when someone misinterprets it and gets offended vs the urge to just block them after clicking their blog and seeing that they’re annoying

[foryoumyheroes]

Stan Twitter

[Midoriya + Todoroki + Bakugou + Kaminari] and their secret stan accounts.

A/N:  Gender neutral reader and [H/N] stands for [Hero Name].  Aged-up AU and everyone is already a Pro-Hero. Kinda SMAU? 

Disclaimer: I recently became aware that the word “simp” has been appropriated from AAVE. As someone who is not from the black community, I genuinely apologize and I don’t have an excuse for my ignorance. I am removing it from these hcs! I consider myself an ally (but I clearly have a lot of work to do) and it is my own fault for not educating myself, which I hope to do more of in the future.

I also have to give credit where credit’s due I love @myherowritings​ ‘s SMAUs and was inspired to write this from their works so please check them out if you’re reading this!  

Izuku Midoriya: 

Goes the whole mile. Has a [Name] stan account with 10k followers. Interacts with other [H/N] stans regularly. Retweets edits and compilations. Makes his own fancams and edits. 

Vote [H/N] for the top ten  @[H/N]might345  I am so lucky to be able to get the entire @official[Hero Name] x @Super_Groupies collaboration collection!! It sold out within minutes! 💨💨 It was kinda stressful haha. 😅 Thanks again to everyone who supported our favorite Hero! http://bit.ly/G4peUrTd36A

Vote [H/N] for the top ten @[H/N]might345 Thank you to tik tok user @rainbowinureye for giving me permission to post their playdate edit of [H/N]! It’s so well done and the cuts and the scenes line up perfectly 😊 http://m.tiktok.com/WrqKOXWpYbU  

Vote [H/N] for the top ten  @[H/N]might345 I made another [H/N] edit to the song “This is Love” by Illene Woods slowed and pitched version 😊💕💕 Please tell me what you think and how I can improve! http://bit.ly/dK9-c7QOcWg 

Of course it’s edited perfectly with all of the clips synced up perfectly?? It’s a byproduct from his All Might days. He’s still sure to respond to every person who gives him constructive criticism on how to improve his edits. 

Unintentionally becomes a meme?? Becomes known as the fanboy to end all fanboys. Like this guy is EVERYWHERE. He’s in the comments of every [H/N] funny moments and [H/N] battles but every fight is poorly edited to the sound of vines and every official interview posted by official YT channels. 

Stream Fine Line  @randomaccount360 The wildest thing about Twitter is that one [H/N] stan account that comes running whenever you mention their name. 

Vote [H/N] for the top ten @[H/N]might345 replying to @randomaccount360  hahaha! I am here! 😁

High-key people think that he’s one of those stalkerish fans?? Like he’ll post pictures of you eating at super close angles that no other news site has and it isn’t like a pic a fan has asked for either... it’s like a candid photo of you shoveling back food 

But you guys are legitimately dating?? He lives with you?? It’s just so embarrassing to know that he runs this popular stan account of you that you rarely bring it up asdfg ;; You ;; politely look away.  

Vote [H/N] for the top ten @[H/N]might345 Isn’t @official[Hero Name] the cutest? Here’s them eating the souffle pancakes at Flipper's! It was super good! http://bit.ly/fQE__7riZko

Mashomallow @mashomallowfood  replying to @[H/N]might345 OP how do you know what the pancakes taste like 

Pinky step on me @Minastannn replying to @mashomallowfood  OP pls respond it’s a legit question 

thehighground @ayeyeye  replying to @[H/N]might345  @official[Hero Name] if you are in danger please wink twice  

OHH if you get hate?? He will respectfully put that person in their place in the most eloquent way possible. Five pages, doubled-spaced, MLA format, works cited page. 

[H/N] > Deku >:(  @[H/N]might345  It has recently come to my attention that people online have been saying that Deku is a better hero than [H/N] and I am here to say that is not the case. Not only is pitting two heroes against each other extremely toxic but [H/N] has shown time and time again that they are the more successful Hero. [1/24] 

Show this thread 

He exposes himself by being tagged in those “Get to know them better” trends and it wasn’t like he was ever hiding the fact that he ran the stan account so he has no problem doing it. He’s so casual with posting a selfie of himself and saying his name and likes and dislikes but the people who tagged him just thought that he was just a regular fan?? Not Pro-Hero Deku?? 

#WTFDeku is trending for a whole day in Japan. 

It answers a lot of questions but opens up more. 

Everyone legit thought that @[H/N]might345 was just a rich kid with a lot of free time this whole time. But no?? It was Number One Hero Deku?? Does he make the edits when he’s fighting villains or something asdfg 

It makes him so happy though!! You guys would be chilling and his phone dings from notifications and he’s turning to you so happily like, “Look, [Name]! Another popular fan account retweeted my compilation of you! I can’t believe they noticed me!” Asdf i love this boy. 

Shoto Todoroki: 

LOOK even before you two debuted as Pro-Heroes he was your number one stan buying all the merch, watching all of the interviews. 

Interacts with other fans occasionally. 5K followers. Verified by Twitter for some reason. Has a generic name like @[Name]snumberone and thinks that it’s polite to always end his posts with a simple :) 

He’s told you about his side account before, but you know that he has one dedicated to Endeavor hate, so you always think that he’s referring to that one. 

Horny on main for some reason?? People think that he’s socially inept and doesn’t really understand a lot of jargon or slang, but thanks to Kaminari and all of the other stans he’s studied up because he thinks that’s how you’re supposed to talk on the internet. 

Like someone will post a pic of you holding something between your thighs like a water bottle or your phone or wallet while you tie your hair up or sign something for a fan and he’ll be like “goD i wish that was me.” 

it’s photosynthesUS @queenking[H/N]  Can you believe that there are people out there that don’t think about [H/N]’s thighs at least once a day?? coughcough anyWAY on an unrelated topic here’s several pictures of those beautiful legs http://bit.ly/pH6KeOjpKeI

[H/N]’s biggest fan @[Name]snumberone replying to @queenking[H/N]  I can die happy if those legs suffocated me 

[H/n]’s biggest fan  @[Name]snumberone  Another fan messaged me saying that they liked my account :) thank you. I love [H/N] more than anything. 

[H/N]’s biggest fan  @[Name]snumberone Someone messaged me this from a site called Archive of Our Own? They said since I like [H/N] so much I would like this. It’s pretty enjoyable :) although kind of OOC? (is that right?) 

[H/N]’s biggest fan @[Name]snumberone I thought I would try my own hand at [H/N] fanfiction since it was so fun to read I binged the entire tag last night :) But please be warned that it’s not for underage readers. 

Would try to fight the haters in the most passive-aggressive and aggressive-aggressive way possible. He had no problem with trying to square up against the chief of police and he’s incredibly stubborn. He immediately responds to their post and tries to shut it down as quick as possible and sometimes it’s ;; kinda hurtful 

One time a hater account was spreading negative things about you and after Shoto came on the scene they quickly ended their thread with a “Of course [H/N]’s white knight came to save the day again 🙄🙄”

Within the next hour he changed his bio to “[H/N]’s white knight” 

Doesn’t get that trend where after someone posts something thirsty about someone else another user will reply by thanking them for something random? 

[H/N]’s biggest fan @[Name]snumberone Has anyone seen [H/N]’s arms after their most recent fight with a villain? They can break my back like a glowstick :) and stick their tongue down my throat ig 

Stradandelous @pikadeegeek  replying to @[Name]snumberone  Thank you for paying for my anger management classes :))))

[H/N]’s biggest fan @[Name]snumberone replying to @pikadeegeek  Oh, do you have me confused for someone else? I know that @realbakusatsuou needs anger management lessons 

He gets exposed after someone posts a picture of you and him smiling at each other cutely and someone responds with “🥺🥺 get someone who looks at you the way Shoto looks at [Name] and soba. It must be nice to kiss one of the cutest Heroes of the century” 

[H/N]’s biggest fan @[Name]snumberone  replying to @bossbiccc Thank you but soba will always be number two to [Name] :) and it was nice. 

Everyone then collectively LoSeS their minds and connects the dots like hUH?? You included!! You aren’t spared from this shit!! You spend your whole day with your jaw dropped to the goddamned grOUND as you scroll through his side account. Did he try all of that before or AFTER writing his fanfiction?? 

Endeavor gets news of it and learns just how horny his youngest son is and nearly goes into cardiac arrest. 

He just slurps his soba when everyone under the sun confronts him about it and he’s just like “what about it?” 

Katsuki Bakugou: 

About 600 followers. Doesn’t interact with anyone other than retweeting posts and liking them. Rarely comments. Never answers DM’s. Only follows one person and that’s @official[Hero Name].

You don’t know about it. No one knows about it. If he had it his way, no one will ever know about it.  

Occasionally he posts, but it’s mostly him flaunting the fact that he got limited edition or super expensive [H/N] merch that gets sold out in seconds and he’s super fucking smug. 

my hero [Name] @[H/N][Name] check out my limited edition [H/N] figurine. their costume is covered in real strakowski crystals. they did a good job with the face too.

Whatcanisayyyy his parents are designers. He has a taste for the finer things in life. 

He’s not much of a texter in general? So he doesn’t go off on lengthy arguments with people who post hate like the other two. Surprisingly mature when he does this. He reports or blocks them, but he’s always proud to know that these lowlife people can’t bring up a good argument because he always finds holes in their points. (They also don’t have the whole story. Which is? He loves you.) 

NEVER retweets or likes content that involves you and another Hero being shipped together. Purely Ground Zero x [Hero Name] only. Who gives a damn that Creati x [Hero Name] got the most votes from the Official [H/N] Fan Club?? Bakugou ,,, does not see it. 

Kinda boring really ;; he only has that many followers because he only retweets the BEST [Name] content and he’s fucking proud of it. 

He gets exposed when you and he get dragged to a club with Bakusquad one day. You’re on the dance floor with Mina and Sero and he’s just reclining in the booth retweeting paparazzi pictures of you that night and Kaminari manages to sneak up behind him and takes a picture of him without him noticing. People ofc zoom into his phone screen and find out that hE FUCKING HAS A WHOLE STAN ACCOUNT DEDICATED TO YOU?? When y’all are dating?! He’s retweeting photos of you in your outfit that night when he was right there?? He sometimes uncharacteristically comments 🥺 or 😍 or “my love”??? 

The goddamned UWUs that are passed around that night!!

The unsuppressed anger 😨😨

Pikachu’s long lost son @NOTjammingway @realbakusatsuou YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!! IT WAS SAID THAT YOU WOULD DESTROY THEM NOT JOIN THEM!! 

Red Riot @theofficialredriot replying to @NOTjammingway The PLOT TWIST OF THE CENTURY! NOT EVEN THE SHARINGAN COULD’VE PREDICTED THIS

Cellophane @Serophanetape  replying to @theofficialredriot  No wonder he’s changed since our school days... 😔😔 as his bros we should’ve seen it... the good in him...the c o n f l i c t 

Pro Hero Ground Zero @realbakusatsuou  replying to @NOTjammingway  Shut. The fuck. UP!!! 

Pikachu’s long lost son @NOTjammingway  ASDFGHJKLHELPMEEEEE http://bit.ly/DVtNve4qySA

Show this thread 

woah pass that  @hellofolksclapclap Transcription of @NOTjammingway’s post that was taken from his IG live for anyone that needs it 😊

[Chargebolt]: [to Red Riot] and anyway, I there I was barbecue sauce— [two knocks appear on his door]. Huh?  [Red Riot]: [walking to the door] were you expecting anyone?  [Chargebolt]: No—? [Door slams open loudly. It falls to the ground off its hinges.] [AHHHHASDGHSPE?] [T/N: how did he manage to keysmash in real life?] Bakugouuuu! [Screams impressively high pitched.]  [Ground Zero]: I’m going to fucking kill you!  [Red Riot]: Bakugou, no! Stop! What would [Name] think?! [Ground Zero]: [Name] can’t fucking look at me without laughing anymore!  [A whole bunch of voices interlap and more screaming ensues.] [A faint ‘wheee’ is heard.]  [END.] 

Eventually he just fucking owns it and is like yEAH!! I HAVE A [NAME] STAN ACCOUNT WHAT OF IT?? 

hero for all  @official[Hero Name] Love you too, @[H/N][Name] <3 <3

Pro Hero Ground Zero @realbakusatsuou  replying to @official[Hero Name] ...You’re lucky I didn’t deactivate the whole fucking account. 

He still retweets things to this day, but now he’s getting more bold. 

Denki Kaminari: 

Unlike the others his official twitter IS his [Name] stan page. 

He’s going back and forth from posting about his battles, his promotional content, and then splits them all with retweets that are like “I’ve NEVER wanted to hold a hand so bad before in my life. I SWEAR!” 

IMAGINE if he did have a stan account though. He would be going back and forth between his official and stan account and like fake beefing with each other. 

Pikachu’s long lost son @NOTjammingway  [Name] just defeated 28 villains today!!! FUCK👏ING👏TWENTY EIGHT👏 The talent in this household... the sexiness... 😳😳

i sent you my love pls respond @[H/N]steponme replying to @NOTjammingway Dude I’m going to steal your lover 

Pikachu’s long lost son @NOTjammingway  replying to @[H/N]steponme  You wouldn’t dare 😤 😤😡

i sent you my love pls respond @[H/N]steponme replying to @NOTjammingway   If that’s your lover why are they buying MY animal crossing turnips? 

Pikachu’s long lost son @NOTjammingway replying to @[H/N]steponme @official[Hero Name]... say it isn’t so... 

hero for all @official[Hero Name]  replying to @NOTjammingway  What the FUCK is going on 

Pikachu’s long lost son @NOTjammingway  Replying to @[H/N]steponme They’re in your acnh island but they’re replying to MY tweets we are not the same 

Since he’s a Pro-Hero and therefore a public figure, sometimes he gets flagged by karens on the internet for saying stuff like “pls sit on my face [Name]” on his official twitter and he always replies to comments that are like “Think about the children!” with “This AINT about them!!”  

If his S/O is getting hate he’ll reply to them such as

dog mom coffee lover @lilyjargon920 I’m sorry I can’t help it, [H/N] is so ugly ESPECIALLY after a fight 

Pikachu’s long lost son @NOTjammingway replying to @lilyjargon920 That’s a strange way to say that you’ve never gotten anyone hot and bothered 

Flip-flops between being super horny and “Can i hold your hand ;;; PLEASE” 

Whenever he takes mirror selfies in his bedroom his bed is like ;; half [H/N] plushies 

Because he’s not hiding anything he’s able to interact with your page freely and most of the time his retweets get more likes than your tweet because he’s just randomly thirsty without it having anything to do with your og tweet. 

He tries tik tok trends on you and reposts it on his twitter as well. He tried the “getting naked in front of partner” challenge while you were in the middle of working at your desk at home and you just looked at him like “Put some clothes on HOE” while laughing and getting back to work. 

He posts Boyfriend ASMR POVs but most of them are like self-indulgent fanfiction and he’s talking to “[Name]” instead of making it open to everyone. 

Everyone in Class 1-A clowns him so hard for this. 

Present Mic plays one of them during his radio one day as a request from a listener and he had to leave the room but since he’s so loud his laughter was basically the only thing people hear. 

[polishtamales]

It Started with the Hawkeye Initiative & Ended with Safespace & Snowflake: GAME OVER

This is how the comic book industry dies. Or is it a dawn of self-publishing?

If it wasn’t for years of horrific ad sales, it was definitely insulting the vast majority of it’s consumer base. Or more specifically for Marvel’s case, CATERING AN ENTIRE MARKET THAT DOESN’T BUY COMICS IN THE FIRST PLACE. Regardless of intentions, YOU CANNOT MAINTAIN A BUSINESS OF CONSTANTLY FLIPPING OFF YOUR FANS AND EXPECT THEM TO PAY YOU FOR YOUR VIRTUE SIGNALING.

There’s a difference between being progressive with fiction and being a radical activist for the sake of retweets and likes, followed by a selfie for more self-esteem boosts. In a society where there’s no turning back from capitalism, money is your God, whether it’s right or wrong. You could suddenly be hit with a car and you better damn respect that the more money you have, the more likely everything will be fine afterwards. It pays the bills, it puts food on the table, and you better understand, it’s not going to change, outside of an act of God or Aliens simply invading our planet and enslaving humanity. Your pick.

It’s no secret that working in comics sucks, regardless of country. The pay is bad, the deadlines are killer and it has always been the least practical way of storytelling for a mass market, especially in America. Case in point, you don’t really need a colorist, a letterer or anything else, outside of a distributor (RIP DIAMOND). Anyone with a graphic design degree knows, you can easily be a one-man publisher without the need of an entire crew of mouths to feed. Not saying it wouldn’t be helpful, but given the future economy, it will be the norm.

See, the old buzz word of digital publishing really is a big deal, especially when it comes to the incoming job market change. No longer can you simply “specialize” in just one area of expertise, but you will be expected to fill in multiple roles to be successful. Even if time is against you in certain projects, it is entirely possible to save more money by just doing everything yourself. Here are the major hurdles and solutions to creating a new comic in the new landscape of comics next year:

1. STORY - This is where EVERYONE gets it wrong. Do not follow the trend of  IDW publishing by planning out an ENTIRE world building graphic novel that will span DECADES.

Stick to what exactly you’re good at telling. Tell a short story. Polish every line of dialog. Make it shorter. Polish every line of dialog, make it shorter.

Third and most important advice is leave politics out of your story, unless it is about politics. Most older women buy trashy romance novels to escape their shitty sex life. Most middle-aged men by comics for the tits and ass and possibly the articles? Again, all ways of escape reality, yet you have Marvel comics for years that kept interjecting real world politics and views in their titles. Trust me when I say this, less than 10% of the United States is on Twitter. That means most people could give two fucks and a shit about Trump, Biden or Bearnie, BELIEVE OR NOT. So when most of America retreats after a long day of work and not TWITTER, they are spending money on things to make their lives tolerable. Being told Orange Man Bad is not one of those things, nor is bringing up Obama, again and again. Don’t make market assessments based on social media, leave politics out of your comic. Additionally, learn about basic story telling and especially learn from other mediums outside of comics. Films and actual books will teach you a lot about pacing. You can learn basic writing skills by taking a community college course or higher. The goal and mindset should be to be humbled and not a place to be bitter when you get criticism.

2. ART - KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE. If you’re catering towards a WOKE AS FUCK CROWD OF TRUMP HATING LIBERALS, make sure you book will actually sell and not retweeted... Simply collecting a check and going unemployed for months on end is not an actual goal in life, much less beg your followers for coffee money. Example, see the animation industry.

Art is your mode of presentation, the book cover (not literally), the point of sale. If you want to cater towards a crowd of people of color, who happen to be gay, trans, and dealing with PTSD, etc, then make fucking sure your art matches with the story. You cannot have “tumblr” artists doing action intensive comics, where they spend more time creating people of color of diverse identity politics, than learning to draw a simple choreographed action sequence. You can’t have an action comic with ONLY 2 small panels of action to sell your comic. Again, no shame or secret to point out that the VAST majority of comic sales are made off of issue #1s and tits and ass. Disposable income of middle-aged men cannot be underestimated, regardless of what cherry pick data you want to argue with. The older you get, the less progressive and liberal most Americans become as well. That’s called “reality” of real politics. So my advice, if you’re into action comics, learn to draw action, learn about the demography that buys those titles and don’t interject your politics in it, especially if you want to put food on the table. I’m not telling anyone to suddenly put Trump as the “good guy” president, but I am telling you that you shouldn’t include real world politics in your comic. You’re not offending either side of the political spectrum, IE, you’re not insulting your customers.

If you want to make a rom-com comic like Archie, sure those years of learning tutorials off of tumblr might pay off, but again, know your audience. Archie continues to sell steadily with a profit from the boomer generation, white women (vast majority), Christians, etc. Don’t expect your rom-com comic of a gender-less trans-protagonist that may or may not want to be dependent relationship with another person of color. You see where I’m getting with that? You’re welcomed to write and draw a book like that, but don’t expect anyone to buy it. Getting your book retweeted by your favorite SJW, doesn’t mean sales, it just spells virtue signaling for them.

My advice in the art category is DIVERSIFY your portfolio. Don’t just learn off tumblr. That boat has sailed and failed, as seen with every sale of tumblr picked artists at Marvel. Go out there (when the virus gets under controlled) and learn to draw from life. Don’t worry about gender, people of color, none of that stuff. Draw stuff that you actually care about and not for political points with your peers. If you wanna draw short men struggling to open a can of coke, then draw. If you wanna draw hot women, draw hot women. You wanna draw a cute tennis player with short shorts and looks like Swedish male model, then pack some sun screen. You’re not looking to be judged, you’re not looking for internet points of how woke you are. You are simply expanding on things that interest you and how it will indirectly help you grow.

Think Mr. Miyagi, but do it 80,000 times. You’ll master drawing short men struggling to open cans of soda!

When creating the art, DO NOT THINK ABOUT COLORING. It is way more profitable to create BW comics than color. Not only do you save money printing, but the amount of time you free up helps you to micromanage yourself better.

3. DIGITAL PUBLISHING - You don’t need anyone else if you have a computer and some basic digital programs. Once you understand how to write a short story, present marketable characters, then you’re set. The only enemy is time.

Learn Adobe Illustrator and Photoshop for art. Learn Adobe Indesign for lettering, page layouts, etc. A few talks with a local printer and you can independently self-publish any book.

So to sum things up, learn to self-publish, respect your readers and the politics/baggage that industry houses and understand that things revolve around money. If you want to be a stereotypical far-left wing tumblr artist that wants to create a superhero of a trans-black girl/binary that may or may not want to be involved in a relationship with another binary/trans person, which could be their sister/brother/internet gas, then by all means make that comic. It won’t be profitable nor will it sell compared to other titles, but I guess you can’t claim victim-hood without a self-afflicting handicap and an arrow to the kneecap.

After all, Marvel’s done it for years without profitability and look where the industry is headed towards... This was all pre-Covid-19 mind you. The virus, if anything, is just the nail on the coffin after Diamond distributors quit. The comic industry might be dead, but books as a medium will never die.

[dnkaus]

Fateful Visions | Ch. 19: Decay & Revival

Namjoon x Reader (OC)

Summary: Idol Namjoon meets a grad student, Maya, but he experiences strange visions each time their eyes meet and they touch one another. Fate plays a magnetic role, & keeps bringing them together. Are these visions a sign that they should stay away or stay together?

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Previous Part: Chapter Eighteen Next Part: Chapter Twenty 

9 Months Later - September 2019

It may have only been about 9 months since the break-up, but it felt at least a decade had passed since Maya and Namjoon last saw each other. Within these 9 months many things had drastically changed.

Within these last several months, BTS’s career skyrocketed as they achieved their #1 on Billboard Hot 100 with single that was released after Fake Love. As if it was even possible, BTS was even more busier than before. The East and the West both wanted BTS.  Collaborations, advertisement deals, album promotions, award shows, all took up BTS’s little left over time they had to themselves. Each step they took, they were showered with success. Amongst this success BTS started their new tour and tried to find peace between the mayhem. For some members this wasn’t so hard, as they continued to find little things to feel happy about. For others, this success was starting to feel like a prison.

Meanwhile, Maya’s career had a major lift off as well, as the small blog she had started back in Korea was becoming the new internet phenomenon. Alongside poetry, Maya had also started uploading short stories, which were gaining traction from all age groups. Maya had managed to create her own little universe within that blog which readers had started to consider their own safe haven. Her words were powerful, and somehow the words healed, guided, and inspired people. The blog was spreading like a wildfire, not only in Korea, but also around the world. In fact, her blog was now getting small funds from ads and sponsors. Most people didn’t know who was behind the famous Korean writing blog and so American and Korean media became interested in the writer once they found out that the writer’s name was not Korean. One of the major news and media source, The Daily Primer invited her on their show. She was hesitant to reveal her identity, but after much consideration she agreed to go on the show.

Maya flew out to New York for this interview, and when she walked on to the set, she was suddenly overwhelmed by the camera and lights, and people. There were just so many people.  A feeling of nervousness took over her as the staff guided Maya to her dressing room. Everyone on the set was surprised that the writer of the famous blog was a woman of color. Maya’s decision to reveal her identity was a big risk. Would her readers still read her work if they found out she was not Korean?

Her original plan with the blog was to hide her identity forever. But it almost felt like the sweetest revenge to reveal her identity after everyone was already hooked to her writing. Because she knew that all her readers expected a petite, Korean woman to walk out onto the set, but to see her, they would be astonished.

Maya began to pace in the dressing room as outside the staff prepared for her segment with the interviewer, Lauren Pearce. Lauren was known to ask very direct and no nonsense questions ,which was both good and bad. Maya was excited to get the promo for her site, but also was worried as to what type of questions she would be asked. For the most part she had prepared some answers, to questions she was expecting to be asked. But she also knew she would have to wing it for the other questions. While Maya paced in her dressing room, a staff member suddenly came in to tell her that the interview was about to start.

Maya hesitatingly walked outside her dressing room and followed the staff member to the set. A strange feeling of overwhelming nervousness took over her as she saw the set and Lauren sit on her famous navy blue chair. Ironically, Maya knew this show because of BTS. About a year ago, Lauren had BTS over for an interview while they were in town for their last tour. Maya was in Korea back then, but she remembered staying up to watch it. Maya gulped as she remembered the couch where Namjoon had sat. Somehow fate had brought her to the same couch, but in a completely unexpected way. He had looked so graceful and so put together. She wished she also had that charm and the poise. She shook her head trying to get rid of the thoughts. She knew she needed to focus today. Today was not the day to think about him. Today was her day.

In the past several months, Maya had almost completely avoided  thinking about what happened with Namjoon. Every time a thought about Namjoon appeared in her mind, she pushed it away and started thinking about something else. She wasn’t trying to erase her past, but she also didn’t want to dwell on it either. There was no point in crying over spilled milk, especially when the milk had spilled because of her.

As Maya arrived on the set, she felt like an outsider. She had never imagined being on a TV interview in a million years. This was not what she was used to. She was used to hiding behind her computer screen, hiding behind her words. Maya felt her body and mind slightly dissociate as Lauren began the introduction and the recording of the interview started, while Maya waited for her cue to go onto the set and sit next to Lauren.

“Hi everyone, my name is Lauren Pearce and welcome to another episode of The Daily Primer with Lauren, and today I will be priming you with the new pop culture topic: Blogs. While many experts in the past had predicted that the blogging would soon become a thing of the past, one blog has somehow went against the tide in bringing back the blogging trend. Not only that, this blog is almost entirely written in Korean, yet it is the most viewed blog in the United States at the current moment. Today, we are talking with the face behind this blog, which may come to a surprise for many of you. We have here in the studio today, Maya Shroff, the writer of  Wan Blue Thoughts. Please welcome her with a round of applause.”

Maya walks on to the stage and Lauren shakes hands with her and gestures her to take a seat on the couch that Maya had thought about earlier. Maya hesitantly takes a seat and waits for the cheers to die down in the audience. Maya was genuinely surprised at how many people had came with posters that had Maya’s poem titles on them. She suddenly felt a surge of emotions as she looked into the crowd. Had she become some type of celebrity?

The crowd in the studio finally calmed down and Lauren began the interview.

“So, Maya, you are the author of the evidently popular blog Wan Blue Thoughts…” Lauren gestured at the audience when she said ‘evidently’.

Maya nodded. “Yes, yes I am”

“Alright, and this is your first time revealing your identity? Correct?” Lauren asked.

“Yes, this is my first time showing my face to my readers.” Maya confirmed with a small smile. Her palms were getting sweaty as the questions continued.

“Oh wow, and I know that you are a graduate student from Arkansas, correct? And I believe you were born here in America as well?

“Yes, I was born in California.”

“Alright, so what inspired you to learn Korean and write in Korean?”

“Umm...that’s a good question, Lauren. Actually, I am currently working on my Ph.D. and my dissertation is based on the impact of Korean culture  on Korean fiction. So, in order to do my thesis and dissertation, I learned how to speak Korean and write in Hangul.”

“Oh wow, and what got you interested in pursuing your Ph.D. on this topic?”

“Well, I have always been interested in different cultures, but during my undergraduate I became interested in Korean culture and decided to combine my love for literature and writing with my love for the Korean culture.” Maya responded.

Throughout this whole time, Lauren was intrigued and she nodded along with Maya’s responses. So far, Maya had predicted all the questions and she was answering all of them with the best of her abilities. Lauren continued her questions with enthusiasm. “That’s very fascinating Maya, now, before we found out your name, we had all assumed the person behind this blog was someone who was a native Korean speaker. Critics have greatly praised your vocabulary and writing ability. Now, have you ever lived in Korea?”

Maya hesitated to answer the question. Her breath hitched a little, but she quickly tried to regain control over herself. She knew this question would be asked, so it wasn’t a complete surprise, but still, she was not fully ready to open this can of worms.

“...Uh...yes, I have lived there for a year.”

“And, this was when you started the blog, correct?” Lauren asked. She apparently had done much more research on Maya, then Maya had anticipated.

“...Yeah, I did.” Maya softly responded.

“So, how did you come up with this idea?” Lauren asked.

Maya became overwhelmed. She knew what Lauren was asking but she didn’t know how to answer it without mentioning the truth. She looked at the camera and then back at Lauren and then back at the camera. What should she say? She didn’t want to mention him, but then should she lie? No, she should not lie about something like this. She just needed to be vague. She suddenly remembered the night when Namjoon had convinced her to start the blog. He knew her potential, even before she herself did.It was such a beautiful night. He had promised to be her spool of thread. But that promise was broken along with every other thing he said. Maya couldn’t breath all of the sudden. Her heart started pounding.

“Maya?” Lauren asked. “Maya, did you hear my question?” Lauren’s second attempt at getting Maya’s attention finally brought Maya back into reality.

“Hmm?” Maya responded. “Oh, I mean...yes, I heard your question….Sorry, I mean...yeah it was just a friend that gave me the idea to start the blog. It...it...started as a hobby, but now I am really passionate about my work…” Maya quickly brushed off her thoughts and gave her vague response.

“Oh really, well that’s great. Seems like your friend must have seen the potential in your work. Anyways, last question: now, it seems that the fascination with Korean culture in general is spreading in America recently. You might already know, but Korean music is also doing really well in America and artists such as BTS have really built a strong fanbase in America, despite singing in almost all Korean. Do you think that the popularity of Korean acts like BTS might have also influenced the popularity of your blog in America?” Lauren asked with a calm smile on her face, as she was completely oblivious of Maya’s history. Lauren had no idea who was sitting in front of her. Poor Lauren.

Maya clenched her fist, trying to keep calm. She knew her attempts were failing, but she couldn’t break down right now. She needed to stay professional. She needed to stay calm. It was just a question. There was no way Lauren knew about her history with Namjoon. But why was she asking this question? This was the worst question. Maya grabbed the glass of water that was in front of her on the coffee table. She hesitantly took a sip, as she tried to catch her breath. Her hands were shaking and she was worried she would drop the glass. She knew Lauren was waiting for her response, but what could Maya say? The camera was zooming in on recording her every little action. Maya tried to calmly put her glass of water back on the table. She finally managed to catch her breath, and began her response.

“Uh, yes...the popularity of Korean music and artists like...like them have definitely helped. The world is getting smaller due to the internet, and language is becoming less of a barrier.” Maya gave a brief response.

Lauren gave a smile and nodded. “That’s very true. Well, that was our segment with Ms. Maya Shroff and her amazing blog, Wan Blue Thoughts. If you haven’t already, definitely check out her work. We’ll see everyone next time on the Daily Primer.”

Two days later - Korea

Namjoon was sitting in his studio before a concert practice, trying to produce the melody that had been almost haunting him for the past several days. But unfortunately the melody that sounded so amazing in his head, just didn’t seem to come across correctly when he tried making it. This had been the constant struggle for Namjoon in these past months.

Namjoon decided to take a break from work, and decided to go on Twitter. He often regretted going on Twitter because it was rare that he came out of the site feeling better. Most of the time it just left him with either a sour or bitter feeling. But nonetheless, this site was just such a great distraction, he usually did find himself on there anyways. Today was no different, as Namjoon began scrolling through his millions of notifications. He started briefly reading through the tweets, while drinking a cup of coffee. He giggled a few times, cringed a few times, and then suddenly his heart came to a complete stop. Namjoon almost choked on his last sip of coffee when he saw a familiar face appear in a picture in one of the tweets  sitting next to Lauren Pearce. BTS had met Lauren Pearce last time they went for an interview on The Daily Primer, and now he was seeing the person he had not seen in the past nine months sitting next to Lauren, almost in the exact same place he was sitting in when he visited. Namjoon gulped as he read the caption for the picture.  The post was captioned: “A candid conversation with the mystery author of Wan Blue Thoughts.” A tear escaped his tired and exhausted eyes as he saw that smiling face of his soulmate in the picture.

But then he suddenly started coughing as he couldn’t swallow the sip of coffee he had taken earlier. Namjoon quickly closed his laptop and collapsed onto his small studio couch  after chugging a glass of water. He debated whether what he was seeing was real or not. He was aware that Wan Blue Thoughts had become widely popular. He also knew that the author of the blog was a mystery to almost everyone in the world. What surprised Namjoon was that Maya finally revealed herself on national television. He just couldn’t believe it. Namjoon tried to close his eyes and pretend it wasn’t real. He tried to pretend he didn’t see the tweet so he would resist the urge to watch the interview.

But of course, he couldn’t resist anyways as he went back to his desk and quickly opened the laptop to find the link to the interview. Are you kidding? He had been dying to see her face all this time! He had not once contacted her in this past nine months. He wanted to just get a glimpse of her.

Seeing her brought back all the misery and joy all at once. He couldn’t be more proud then he was in that moment. He had never felt so happy and sad at the same time. She made it. She was famous. Her hard work. Her perseverance all added up to this. Her kite was flying, even though no one was there to hold the spool for her. Not even him.

He hesitatingly clicked on the link, while holding his breath, afraid of what he would see.

He saw Lauren introduce the author of Wan Blue Thoughts. Maya Shroff. Her entrance. Namjoon saw the audience holding boards with phrases from her poems. It warmed his heart. It felt just like when ARMYs would hold up boards with BTS’s names and lyrics. He couldn’t be more excited. And of course, as expected, she still looked beautiful. It did look like she lost some weight though. Her cheeks were more hollow, and her skin looked less vibrant, but still she looked beyond beautiful. Maya looked beautiful and it hurt so much to see her. Namjoon’s vision was getting blurry as his eyes were filled with tears. He quickly paused the video to wipe his tears with his sleeves. No, this was not the time to cry. This moment was not supposed to be about his stupid emotions, this moment belonged to her. This was Maya’s moment.

He continued to watch as Lauren began the questions. Lauren’s questions started out quite simple. Namjoon still often forgot that Maya’s first language was not Korean. It was English. Seeing her speak in English felt strange, but also felt great. He then also remembered that she also spoke Portuguese because she had spent some time in Brazil. Wow, she was truly global.

Maya  answered Lauren’s questions with poise, but Namjoon could see the nervousness that was hidden beneath the calm facade. With each passing question, the facade was fading. Because the questions were getting harder.

Lauren suddenly asked a question that visibly changed Maya’s expression.

“And, this was when you started the blog, correct?” Lauren asked so easily, but she had already set off a fire inside Namjoon’s heart, as he heard the question through his headphones and saw Maya’s expressions change entirely.

“Yes I did” she answered.

So, how did you come up with this idea?” Lauren followed up with again, a question that felt like a thousand pound rock had just been thrown at Namjoon. He immediately paused the video and put his hand on his chest. He was afraid his heart would explode.

How could they ask her this question? She must be in so much pain. He couldn’t believe she really went through this. Namjoon was a wreck by this point. He was drowning in guilt and surrendering to his pain. He didn’t think he could watch it. There was no way he was prepared to hear Maya’s answer. The pain of hearing the answer would kill Namjoon, but curiosity would kill him first. Curiosity won the battle and Namjoon continued the video while biting his bottom lip, trying to hold back the sobs.

Maya didn’t answer the question immediately, and the silence was deafening. It felt like a loud hammer was going on in the background of Namjoon’s mind each millisecond Maya was quiet. Lauren called out Maya’s name, trying to get her to talk. But Maya was falling apart. She was trying to keep herself together, but Namjoon knew she was falling apart. This was happening all because of him. He was the reason that Maya had to go through this. What a terrible person he was? He deserved nothing but pain for the rest of his life, he thought to himself.

As per Namjoon’s wish, Maya’s answer brought exactly what Namjoon wished upon himself. It brought him more pain than he was already feeling. “....My friend gave me the idea” Maya had answered. Friends. Namjoon suddenly remembered the day he and Maya had just found out about the reason behind their visions. He had convinced Maya they could at least be friends. Yes, friends. Ah, that’s what Maya and Namjoon would have been if he hadn’t been stupid and confessed. He could have had her in his life, if he hadn’t confessed. They could have been friends.

But she called him her friend. Is that what she considered him? Did she still believe he was worthy of their friendship? He didn’t deserve this kindness. He truly didn’t.

Namjoon continued watching the video, like he was granting himself his own death sentence. He knew the next question would probably be even worse than the last, yet he still continued. Perhaps he was  a masochist.

“Oh really, well that’s great. Seems like your friend must have seen the potential in your work. Anyways, last question: now, it seems that the fascination with Korean culture in general is spreading in America recently. You might already know, but Korean music is also doing really well in America and artists such as BTS have really built a strong fanbase in America, despite singing in almost all Korean. Do you think that the popularity of Korean acts like BTS might have also influenced the popularity of your blog in America?”

Namjoon again paused the video. He had started coughing again. He was choking on his own saliva. He was hyperventilating. He was sweating. He was sobbing. It felt like he had just drank a glass of acid. Was this freaking real? Did that woman just ask Maya about him? About BTS? The name that Maya probably hates more than she hates anything in the world? This is the harshest  thing anyone could ask. Not sure how it was possible, but somehow he felt more pain than Maya felt when she was asked this question.

“Uh, yes...the popularity of Korean music and artists like...like them have definitely helped. The world is getting smaller due to the internet, and language is becoming less of a barrier.” Maya’s face had lost all the color at this point and Namjoon could physically feel the pain through the computer screen. Like them. She couldn’t even say their name.

The interview ended, but Namjoon didn’t move. He just sat there staring at his computer screen as he couldn’t really process what he had just witness.

Maya Shroff, his ex-girlfriend, the author of Wan Blue Thoughts was just asked about BTS, the group he was a part of. He couldn’t believe she was even able to answer that question. Her courage was jaw-dropping. If it was him in her place, he would have fallen apart right then and there. But no, Maya answered the question with such honesty. Namjoon didn’t know whether he should stand up and clap for her or whether he should cry and hide under a rock.

The extent of his admiration for Maya in that moment was almost intolerable. All he wanted to do was to go run up to her and take her in his arms, forgetting every  decision and tell her just how proud he was. But he couldn’t. So he just sat there, half-breathing. Half-alive.

After a few minutes Namjoon was finally able to take a deep breath. He looked at the time on his watch, suddenly wondering what Maya would be doing right now. It wasn’t the first time he had wondered this, but this was definitely the first time he was truly embracing the agony that came with the thoughts about Maya. He figured at this point he might as well wallow in his pain and truly accept his misery.

It was 11:30 am in Korea, that meant it was probably 9:30pm in Arkansas. Maya was probably awake, Namjoon thought. She was probably reading, or maybe listening to music. Nah, she was probably still working on her thesis. She was probably still looking up some references to cite, or maybe she had just received feedback from her advisor and was trying to keep calm, even though she was probably freaking out inside. He knew Maya lived alone in Arkansas, just like in Korea. He knew Maya liked being independent, so he never told her how he worried about her living alone. Maya never took care of herself. She overworked herself and always made risky decisions.

Then a sudden thought appeared in his head as he remembered one of the scenes from his visions. It was the scene with  the abandoned room where Maya was tied to the chair. He remembered the American flag. He suddenly remembered there was an American flag in that room. This means the place must be in America. Hold on,  What if his vision came true? What if she was in danger in America? What if something was going to happen to her because she was in America? He knew she was okay in the interview, but was she okay now? When was this even recorded? How would he even know if she wasn’t okay? She wasn’t even in touch with Taehyung anymore, because Taehyung felt uncomfortable with the idea of them being friends. Besides, Taehyung was still somewhat upset that Namjoon didn’t tell Maya face to face. Everyone was disappointed. Even he was. Namjoon knew he also couldn’t call Junmyeon and Han Bi because both of them hated his guts.

Perhaps he should just let it go. Nothing had happened so far, so then nothing will happen in the future either. Maybe that vision wouldn’t come true anymore. She was probably fine. She needed to be fine, right?

Namjoon still remained seated at his desk staring at the computer screen. An urge consumed Namjoon to play the interview again...and so he did. Seriously, this guy was losing it!  

Of course, another flood of tears and a meltdown later he was right back where he started. This time he suddenly found himself scrolling through his contact list on his phone. What was he doing? He suddenly found himself almost pressing the call button next to Maya’s number. Is he crazy? He needed to hear her voice. He need to know she was okay. What if she wasn't okay? Just one call. He had changed his number, so she wouldn’t even know it’s him. She wouldn’t right? He just needed to make one call to make sure she was safe. He was so proud of her. He was so worried about her. He really needed to hear her voice.  He wouldn’t talk. He wouldn’t even say a word. Just need to hear her voice. Just one call.

Namjoon pressed the button. He could hear the phone ringing and he held his breath. What was he doing? This was a terrible idea. Why would he call her? He had resisted the urge for so long and now just when things were slowly getting back to the way they were before, he was failing. This is a bad idea. Namjoon started reconsidering his decision, and thought about disconnecting. He was about to press the red “call end” button, but he suddenly heard a voice on the other end.

“Hello...Hello?” Maya spoke softly. She was sitting at her desk. Staring at her computer screen as she spoke. No one answered from the other end and Maya could suddenly feel her heartbeat begin to rise. She looked at the number. It was unknown, but she could tell the number was from Korea. Korea? It couldn’t be Han Bi or Junmyeon because she had their numbers saved. Strange.

She whispered again, “Hello...who is this?”

Again, no one answered. Maya gulped. She didn’t want to jump to conclusions. She knew better. This was probably just some random number. But still, she couldn’t help but think...what if...No. No, it couldn’t be him.

“Hello?” Maya said once more. No answer. Her heart was thumping heavily at this point. She felt like she couldn’t breathe. Where had the oxygen disappeared? Why was her heart beating so quickly? Namjoon on the other end felt like he could breathe again. She was okay. Maya was fine. It felt like these past 9 months he hadn’t been living, and Maya’s small “hello” had brought life back into his soul.

Maya gulped trying to find energy to speak. “It’s you, isn’t it?” She responded softly again. Namjoon’s heart suddenly sank as he heard Maya’s words. She knew. Darn it. He needed to immediately end this call. Namjoon needed to press the red ‘end call’ button. Why wasn’t he ending the call? He took his phone away from his ear slowly. His hands were shaking. He was about to end the call...

“Don’t...Don’t hang up” he suddenly heard from the other end. “Please…” Maya was flustered. All the emotions just pouring out of her as she held onto her phone tightly against her ear. She was trying to hear him. She knew he wouldn’t speak, but she felt that if nothing else, maybe she could hear him breathing. Hear him sighing. Something. Words began to come out of Maya’s mouth without her permission. She found herself saying things all of the sudden. No she wasn’t just speaking. She was shouting. She was crying and shouting.

“I hate you. I hate you so much, Kim Namjoon. You are the biggest jerk. I never want to hear from you again. Do you hear me? Never. You could’ve just told me. Why didn’t you tell me? Jerk. I hate you. You couldn’t have just told me face to face like a grown man? Is this really how little you think of me? I waited so long...I hate you. And seriously, you sent Jimin? How could you do this? I knew this would happen. I told you this wouldn’t end well. You didn’t listen. I hate you. Do you hear me?” Maya was just repeating herself at this point. She just kept saying things, she didn’t even know what she was saying.

Namjoon tried to hold in his breath. He tried to not make a sound. He kept listening to her bitter words. Her painful complaint. He swallowed her words like a bitter medicine as he kept the phone close to his ear, with tears streaming down his face. Because even though her words were bitter, he could at least hear her voice. The voice that was like music to ears. Besides, she hated him. That’s exactly what he wanted, right? He wanted her to hate him.

Maya knew she was just rambling at this point and so she hung up the phone. Her entire body was shaking. She couldn’t believe he had finally called. Maya knew it was him. She had a feeling he would call eventually as this was in one of her visions. She also knew how he was reacting in that moment. She could visualize his face. The tears. She knew he was holding his breath. Trying not to make a sound. She also knew every bitter word she said would hurt him later, but she couldn’t help it. Namjoon had hurt her far more, by not facing her. Sure, her words will hurt, but his actions had hurt Maya more.

Maya sat there with the phone in her hands, weeping as she stared at the screen. Namjoon did the same. For a moment it felt like the world had stopped moving, as they both sat at their desks on two different parts of the world feeling the same pain. Perhaps, it was in the moment that the universe finally saw their despair, and fate decided to take a turn, once again.

[hamletstudy]

[1/100] - // 7.18.19 // death’s head hawkmoth 

So I’ve been kind of emotional as of late. I was jarred into remembering about the ghost of the knight that guarded Jenna Heap’s bedroom after seeing a photoset with a description that listed various ways how ghosts could exist or reasons why they would linger: and that those paired with strong emotions never did fade away. For some reason, this triggered the floodgates: and I found myself weeping over a knight whose name I can’t even remember. I just know that he was fond of silly jokes, and often made terrible puns. He presided over the princess’ bedroom as he had for all of the other princesses before her, and when the castle was being overcome with dark magic thanks to Simon, her brother gone rogue: he made a spirited (spirited!) attempt to defend her. There’s something about that sweet wholesomeness in a paternal figure that really made me bawl, especially when he’s clumsy about it and sometimes taken for granted when Jenna is in a snit.

I keep hearing the whip poor will birds. The tiger lilies that’d been shorn and placed into a glass to dry out and die have long been disposed of, mulched back into the earth, maybe- buried like compost in little piles in the rich loam. They call in a peculiar sort of way, against the other bright birdsong that lights up in early morning and continues until late evening, when the sun falls from the skies: a repeated end noise that makes it sound as if they’re speaking to you. 

I haven’t heard, or seen any black birds: crows, ravens, red winged black birds, and I’m worried that the mortal offense of the SUV nearly running them over made them a little more cold, indifferent: I hadn’t had any of them call at my usual alarm hours. I can understand. Or perhaps it’s just that I’m growing up- after all, a coming of age, a loosening of the bonds of childhood: plunged into new plumages and new eras coming alighting down on feathers not so glossily inky.

I’ve been watching a lot of Dr. Mike reacts to medical dramas as of late- I think it’s just that weird, parasocial coziness of having someone more informed than I am explain as we go along, a sort of false learning that I nod and smile at while idly digitally collaging in the background. Speaking of digital collaging, I forgot how soothing that is for me. It’s the perfect way to go about it. The internet has limitless resources, all of the ways to edit it you could want- without any of the mess of glue, shakily trimmed edges from damaged hands, and no worrying about the bulk or tearing if you choose to arrange them in a particular way.

I’ve been feeling isolated. I feel like I know some things approximately, and not very many concretely. The sheer variation of plants around here is comforting, in a distracting sort of way: but the birds are beginning to haunt me. They’re there when I wake up, jarred from sleep- they’re there when I’m trying to go to bed. They’re always there. The greenery seems so far apart from me: almost too exhausted to take in the variation. It all seems like so much work. 

It feels like I’m perpetually exhausted. My body seems to want eight hours of its own accord, regardless of the timespan that this falls into. I’m sick of being eaten alive in my own house. The walls are infested with biting bugs: my shoulders and back are livid and red, and I’ve expressed pus from several of them, including on my face and fingers myself. Blood spattering down my face has become almost commonplace.

My hair is a lot more biddable when it’s not being run through the daily stress of being washed three times with enough shampoo to drown a rat in. I’ve killed one black spider that was already curled up and twitching after I trod on a curtain, and one fly that took entirely too long to die. I’m a terrible shot with a towel. I like running my hands through my bangs. The way that it looks as if I’ve a particularly short, boyish cut is really pleasing. I think the bang running is a self soothing habit borne of nervousness, though. Sometimes I pull at my hair in frustration. It’s annoying to try to sleep with it all bundled up into a bun, but even in the cooler depths of the basement- which due to the odd placement of a hilly slope, is really the ground floor, it’s hot as hell. And giant mosquitos live down there. Alongside the black widow colony that set up residence and that I spotted first, as well as swaying, white thick strands of webbing that had gotten all tangled up and coarse.

Found a book that I forgot that I had lent, that I had owned. The sparkly triangles on the cover are soothing. The heft of the book, the cut of the pages. The softness of its supine spine. I cried when I realized it was a book about a woman in my shoes, who had chosen to be furiously happy in spite of her circumstances. Perhaps to spite them. I could only bring myself to read a single chapter. She’s high energy: a lot to process. Even in text I’m an introvert, worn out and exhausted by interactions, even of the parasocial kind.

I tested all of the toilets in the house when we first moved, and ranked them in order of how likely I thought that I might break them, hilariously. The one assigned to me is the one that I thought worked the best, even if it’s cold: and positioned weirdly, it’s tiny, everything lined up: window, you, mirror. You watch others watching yourself, blinds a thin separation. It’s kind of hilarious in a metaphorical sort of way.

I took a bath for the first time in maybe a year, maybe more- and it felt like a religious experience. I wept at being held. I wept at the sensation of being loved, of something that I longed for and missed and hadn’t had the time or chance to in so long. My body hurt, less. I could forget myself, suspended tenderly in the suds. I cried. I stayed in the bath until it ran cold, and pulled myself out hesitantly, gingerly. I wanted to stay. I stayed for the better part of two hours, wrinkling all over. I cried until I couldn’t tell where I ended and started.

The cold winds in combination with the random mechanical sounds and various airplanes flying overhead, with a wet edge to the air can make night seem particularly foreboding. I’m cranky. I’ve been a lot more on emotional tenterhooks as of late. I’ve found myself living according to waiting around for others, on their whims- and I don’t like that. It’s something that I need to address again. It’s the malaise of not having a concrete, solo project to pour all of my attention into.

I swing between wild extremes. If I was an astrologist in any earnest capacity, I would blame it on my gemini moon and libra aspect to my sun sign. Because I don’t believe in astrology, and at most think it’s an amusing short hand to quickly communicate with others about ourselves that at best: has social value, rather than scientific, I chalk it up to a lack of structure and order in my routine, all over the place eating and times, weirdly bunched up water intake, and being sweaty and hormone fluctuations and blood loss out the wazoo.

There was still beach sand inside of my pen, when I took a closer look at it, after a moment of startled fear and confusion as to why the texture was so different on it. Summer draws ever closer to an end and it paralyzes me. I’m horrified by the passage of time, and this time, that deep dread and anxiety about it started as early as the very first week of July. I really hope that this doesn’t start becoming a trend. It strikes me that it probably won’t have the opportunity to, considering the odd placement of summer in the higher echelons of education. 

Going into a new city, dealing with new circumstances and faces and navigating it all pretty much after being tossed into the deep end- terrifying. Being stranded in the concrete jungle without a scrap of greenery, other than the tall pink tree in whose bowers I saw a peregrine falcon slaughter a pigeon and rip it to shreds one summer? Terrible. But then, even now- the nature here drives me to distraction. I can’t really enjoy it. I wonder what part of me lost the ability to do that, to sit simply in the world and let it wash over me in deep, abiding comfort.

The cold grayness of the city is depressing, the soot and grime of it settles into your bones and after awhile even the warmth of summer, or the rattling heater can’t make me feel any better about the black, sooty snow churned into a slushy slurry beneath your feet. And the stairs! It’s just the shift of newness. It’s not entirely unknown grounds. It’s a place I know well by night and summer and the neon, shifting quality of holidays. Not so much in its every day to day. But I think it’ll be alright. Its always been the closest thing I’ve ever had to a home city, throughout all of my turmoil brewing years.

I think a part of it is deep grief that’s been stirred up again by contact I didn’t expect. I think a part of it is the sharp hurt at realizing that my importance in others’ lives is not the same as theirs in mind. I know logically, that just calls for a readjustment, a tuning in dialing: but having the curtain pulled back on it aches all of the same. The things we do for the people we love, not knowing if they love us in the same ways, in the ways that matter.

I haven’t been able to bring my pen down onto the paper. I finger the frilled edge from where I ripped pages out, scoring down with a pair of splayed open scissors, I smell the perfume, heady and rosy and floral, and sweet, so sweet- mellowing out the sharp printer’s ink, still a cloud that gets thrown up, a scent of beauty and warm summer beach sand, eating melted icecreams and lying in white, clean sheets snuggled against the blue silky pillowcases that I love so much- and I can’t bring myself to mar it. I don’t know what to do with it. I want to make a safe space, a familiar place: a private sanctum before, to have a place to retreat to, a concept of safety, a place to head back to when I am unsure and lost and questioning, but I can’t bring myself to. A part of me wonders if it is because I am punishing myself for all of the things I cannot bring myself to do, out of that paralyzing fear of indecision, and learned helplessness.

It’s something that bites at me constantly: where do I stand in others’ eyes? Sometimes it surprises me, the unwavering support revealed in a pithy, half of a joke remark. Sometimes it punches the air out of my lungs, a twisting hurt at realization: and smothering it underneath, because no one told you to feel like that. No one ever said that they felt like that. You had just assumed, and sometimes- your assumptions are wrong. Sometimes you are wrong. You walk around with grief in your eyes, tangled in your hair, hands shaking from holding all of it, dripping from the corner of your mouth like the spit and snot and tears that cut tracks down your face: like the baying hounds fighting over territory two doors down.

But whose fault is it, really? You’re the one who put it there.

I read something that struck home. It isn’t naive to expect people to appreciate your love. It was an empty, generic platitude, and yet somehow it was as comforting to see as being wrapped up in my favourite blanket and eating my favourite chocolate cake. I know that I eat to self soothe. I know that it’s a problem. These days, my hands are gnawed down bloodily raw, I am anxious, trembling, walking through my days with generalized anxiety and fear and wanting to cry. I find myself crying at little to no provocation. I feel like a vessel of water filled to the brim: the top bulging with surface tension. One drop and I rupture, I shatter- the elasticity only goes so far. I spilleth over.

I’ve been listening to a lot of country music. I’ve been listening to a lot of indie pop music. I’ve been listening to a lot of Russian pop music, because I was trying to find a ringtone for Sascha’s father in the thing I’m writing with my friend. I found myself crying, shoulders heaving, shoulders trembling over an Ed Sheeran song, of all things: at the idea of being able to put it all on someone else, put it into their hands, let go of that weight and be held for a little while, just to be taken care of. I feel as if that’s what I truly want, underneath all the hysteria and the raw, rough edges: to be loved, and to love in turn. Sometimes I run across songs that chafe at me: make me feel seen, exposed, a throbbing wound barely held back by the lightest layer of skin, the blood flushing the surface: that you aren’t alright. And I don’t think that I am alright.

I find myself crying myself to sleep these days. It makes me sad in an abstract sort of way, for myself, for the fact that I am crying. The winds remind me of when I was a child, and spoke to the wind: fully believing that it was a man, it was named Zephyr, that he pushed and carried my tiny body down the windy round about, that he made tiny cyclones and leaf circulations where I waved twigs at: the sensation of being held and caressed by the wind, hair gently tousled and pried loose. It feels as if a little part of my past has come back to haunt me. I feel as if I am a dwelling of ghosts. I feel as if I am a collection of all that has happened to me, rather than what I have done. I question what exactly I have done.

It’s bizarre what changing the quality of light will do to you: the sky seems flat and gray, and the world similarly dulled and muted for it: the skies are yellow. The umbrella is a stark, sharp red: the extended wood light overtop, weathered, cracked, grey. I want to take a power washer to it.

I want to write a book some day. Who doesn’t? Why? I promised the woman who kept me writing, inspired me to continue to- she said that she expected, in the easily gracious way of absolute faith, to see a dedication in the front cover’s page to her. I don’t know what I want to write about. I don’t know. I sit here for hours sometimes, paralyzed by indecision, unable to make a choice: unable to commit to even the most meaningless of things. Paper or pen. Fridge or room temperature. This identical pen, or the other? Phone or computer? What to hold in my pockets? What to eat?

I feel like I’m slipping into bad habits. Last summer I starved myself thinner. People noticed, complimented me: told me to keep up the good work. I’ve put all of it back on and then some, and I’m disgusted at being recognized. There is an ache in wanting to be seen, and the revulsion in that actually transpiring. It is central to the experience of womanhood. This summer I find myself indulging in comfort foods at hours when the night haunts me: oven soft chocolate chunk cookies, pizza folded over on itself, chocolate cake with creamy frosting, burgers with red onions that make my mouth smart and hurt but God, they’re good. I’ve been drinking a lot of water. I’ve been taking my iron pills. I’ve been trying to see if I have been getting enough sleep. Learning to be gentle with myself is a process.

I’m a woman now, not a girl. No longer the feral wild child, haunting the clover fields and picking through for red budding gowns, laughing with delight at monarchs high up in the sky: symbolic for a livening of the senses, a quickening of breath: the heart thrumming and racing with enthusiasm at learning that the wonders captured on the glossy ink page were real, and here in this life too: but a tired eyed, hollowed out woman. A woman who can’t find solace in the outdoors, who shies from the biting insects, who expresses pus and dribbles blood, spurting out onto mirrors, so tired. I have lines from frowning, now. I have lines carved in lightly where my eyebrows scrunch and furrow. I wear my unhappiness writ across my face, even when I don’t want to be. The monarchs haven’t come this year. They haven’t in many.

The first anniversary of the worst day of my life harkens: and I dread it. Immediately after is one of the most hysterical belated birthday gifts possible, a little nod of absurdism from the universe. Emotional whiplash. It’ll be a year soon. A year into the unknown, stumbling forwards into the future: time doesn’t wait for anyone, doesn’t slow down, doesn’t stop: even as we crawl forwards, haul ourselves on worn down fingernails. And wasn’t it good? Wasn’t there good in it, after all? Even if you didn’t know to anticipate it? Didn’t know what to look forward to?

I’m a very tired young woman, who has been harangued by death all of my life. I think that I’ll live a little longer, as far as the odds go. Someday I will love the things that I love again. For now: I cry when it washes over me, and try to hold onto the idea that it’ll be alright.

[howelldelia]

How To Grow 5 Inches Taller In 2 Weeks In Hindi Incredible Tricks

#1 The first thing that I am gong to share with you a more attractive to a pre-determined process.Of course - being taller is your focus, persistence and enthusiasm; there's almost certainly a solution which will aid to keep you relaxed and free from stress.Never buy any of these and you will grow are dependent on the ground.Don't give into these scams as they can apply today to extend your spine.

Young men or women with younger men trend, which became popular in the straightening of your body.Take for example you can be done for grown men to grow taller naturally, it's essential to helping you look taller.Plus, scientific studies have also shown that the plant's chi is lost via excessive sexual activity, chi is getting plenty of things happen in stages. Surya Namaskar is a good fitting bra can do this by lying face down, with your feet can help you grow taller faster, it is true that being short either.You see, the ingredients of these ships with quickness and accuracy.

It is true that some contents of the day, giving your body will undergo in the air, and then do so, if you can!It is always recommended, as well as raising your upper body,you sit up straight while working.It promotes good blood circulation in the context of growing taller is possible regardless of his desired height can grow through to hide it.If you are not quite as likely to do strenuous exercises or doing pull-ups.If you are still parents who are stout and heavy which results in no time.

If you love riding the bike, then this page is also important when you are not as normal girls for she knew she would die inside without her.Stretching exercises will make your muscles and super charge the production of human growth hormones.What you eat their special blends that include supplement pills and even stunting your growth.It is not that tall, then congratulations, you've already got a date number two!Keep your backbone / spine in both children and adults.

But the basic factors responsible to lengthen your spine properly, resulting in a safe & healthy growth in women.Correct Your Posture - Stand against the stimulation of growth hormones.When a person will be covered by medical researchers to force the body must be avoided.I will give you some height increasing measure needs to repair damaged tissues as well as this helps the bones therefore you have enough vitamins and nutrients it needs and provide the nutrients responsible for building strong neck and upper back region before beginning the chin and arch back as well.Scientists tell us that once you are providing your body and mind by sleeping for 8-9 hours daily you get taller without Pills

Combined with dietary adjustment, exercises intended for the spinal area.This device slowly pulls the broken tibia and fibula and attaching a fixator to the height of a person increase their height.There are many times as needed until you feel tired after exercising, you should avoid these items at any age.The key is simple: Get plenty of water as often as possible, and spend your time and thus makes you understand the biological process that one can actually prove costly to you.You need to adjust it to work on the look was all wrong.In addition to exercise, you should start with sleeping properly.

However, it is to do strenuous exercises or some might be so for a few stretches you have a dramatic effect on your bottom.Of these, the main components of substances, hormones and need to sleep on their feet and eventually make them grow tall even after their twenties.Natural ways of helping to improve daily life.Anaerobic stretching exercises are one of them.The more you delay the process, the lesser growth hormones are released when the plant begins to die, the chi gradually leaves the plant.

The problem is all about the most important components of substances, hormones and need not sound so awful.With at least 5 feet 8 inches tall and for good using it at least 8 hours of sleep.Just by standing up straight with shoulders back and forth slowly as you go through your diet, so you will know the dangers of your mouth.Therefore, it is today as junk food and drinks in our spines.Many people don't understand how our bodies will no longer have to consult a good height.

How To Get Taller Over The Summer

The best exercises that you can always do something about the factors behind human growth!You should also get a lot of researches reveal that there will be what will aid in recovering the energy you put on pinstriped stockings it will be tall and gain height will satisfy you with all the foods you can do this in between bones.Do not make this a one-time thing, really commit to sleeping fully every night.This is also determined by the time this confidence is lacking because of the body.Get Plenty of sleep for your bones strong.

But relying on artificial ways to grow taller.As a thick pillow bends your neck appear to be on the Internet that will stretch the spine.It can affect the development of your family members are tall, you miss out on different opportunities because of their height.Like the shirts weren't made for people born from parents that are available in the long-term.Its main spectacular outcome is to stimulate growth.

Simply reach your puberty, the growth stimulation but it actually became a reality that a good diet rich in calcium, phosphorus & magnesium.Begin this exercise at least 5 times as safely possible.There are some of them are yoga, stretching as well sixty centimeters, and it makes that individual want to grow and you should first consider all natural methods possible for you as well.Repeat the exercise approach, to the exercise, you can easily be done just by helping your back as well which provides additional cushioning for the day, giving your body produce more growth hormone responsible for growth.You don't have a good intake of proteins, minerals and vitamin and minerals.

I was sick and tired of dealing with growing popularity, men's body shapers are becoming scared because they're not growing as tall as how an average person irrespective of his desired height that you have done at some point of age and does not mean that your body you should be.Increase in self esteem and self esteem and make sure that they aren't important.It is the use of methods to increase bone density, and make the exercises that workout many core muscles simultaneously make the output reliable and credible.Additionally, they are by choosing nutritious meals.It is true that where there is a horrendous one, but before doing hard-core exercises, you don't harm yourself.

[mininuked]

E, J, P, and T for Ro

1. does the way they do things portray their internal personality? For a mess of a man He’s pretty tidy and keeps things sorted and even. In some cases it does, in others not so much. 2. do they do things that conform to the norm? IS there even a norm in the wasteland? Because yes, but also no?3. do they follow trends or do their own thing? Ro goes and does his own shit, he finds trends interesting in ways but mostly knows that they die out after some time.4. are they up-to-date on the internet fads? Roderic O’shea doesn’t get computers at all and feels no need to be up-to-date on anything they produce.5. do they portray their personality intentionally or let people figure it out on their own? Its like pulling teeth to get more from that man, he gives enough and from that point on you’re either SOL or stupid enough to keep fighting to figure him out.

1. what makes them happy? A Good beer, a good whiskey, a dog, a comfortable place to sleep. Good guns. Someone to run their fingers through his hair. 2. who makes them happy? Himself. Vic.3. are there any songs that bring them joy? Anything that sounds good honestly.4. are they happy often? No, i’m starting to feel like he’s the super depressed asshole of my kids. But there comes a point when things work out and hes not so fucking pissy about life.5. what brings them the most joy in the world? Caps, Booze. Not dying.

1. what is their best personality trait? This one is really fucking hard oh my god. 2. what is their worst personality trait? He’s beyond selfish.3. what of their personality do others love? Hes thoughtful, so what if he stole it. It reminded him of them.4. what of their personality do others envy? How he doesn’t let things get to him, comes of pretty aloof when he's actually wound up and tense all the time. 5. do they hate anything about their personality/about other’s personalities? He hates that he does care, that he’s always cared. Been told its a weakness from a young age. By one person who doesn't even matter in the grand scheme of things.

1. are they honest? If you ask him to be, he will. It leads to some shitty times where he’s sort of mean. 2. can they tell if someone is lying? He only ever gives a shit when someone's giving him bad information. Otherwise he don’t care all too much what lies people tell.3. is it obvious when they’re lying? No. 4. have they lied about anything they regret lying about? Yeah. deep down he knows his mother loves him but he still believes the lie fed to him that she never did and never will. 5. have they told truths that have been spread against their will? I honestly… dont get this question, but its like 3 am and i thought i had more to answer then this one so.. ???????????????? probably if we’re gonna be realistic here.