#1 800 iluvhockey divorced parents follower special

[1-800-iluvhockey]

sad beautiful tragic - (m.estapa’s version)

summary - mark’s first love had a everlasting effect on his life, and his heart. so before the first game of the season, he finally told the boys about y/n…..

type - (3.8 wc) fic, for the 300+ special!

warnings - rollercoaster of emotions, read with caution. </3

When Mark first met Y/n L/n, he truly thought that he had saw an angel in real life. He had saw her outside the rink one day, with skates in her hand. She had a glow to her, even though she was wearing a tri city storm hoodie and leggings. He couldn’t approach her to talk to her, as he was starstruck and she was on the phone. She saw him, looking around and then making eye contact with her. She waved at him, smiling brightly as she said a “okay dad whenever you can unlock the door is fine.” and hung up to walk over to the cute boy anxiously freaking out.

“Hi I’m Y/n, I saw you—“ She started to say until Mark cut off in a quick way.

“Yeah sorry about that, I wanted to come up to talk to you but I saw that you are the phone. I can unlock the door if you need me to? My coach is still in there.” He laughed as they both walk to the door.

“My dad’s got it, he just got out of practice.” She told him, beaming at him.

“What’s your name, pretty boy? I’ve seen you around here a few times.” She flirted as she looked to see someone headed to the door.

“It’s Mark, Mark Estapa. It’s my first season with Storm. Y/n…..” Mark trails off.

“L/n, Y/n L/n. Nice to meet one of my dad’s players, I won’t tell him that you were flirting in the beginning, but I don’t mind.” She tells him as his face turns from pale to pink.

“I haven’t even tried to fully flirt yet, unless you want me to over ice cream.” Mark says as he flashes her a smile.

The door opens and Mark holds it open, thanking the person who held it open for them. Y/n took out a slip of paper and a pen, scribbling a few things down before handing it to the tall boy.

“Here’s my number, ice cream? I’m good with that but I prefer milkshakes, Estapa. Text me!” She says happily as she sprints off to the ice.

“I’m the lucky one— I have to text the guys about this.” He told himself as he saved her number under “Y/n 💖”

—-

He laughs at the memory now, as he sits in econ. Now he is a freshman at the University of Michigan, and that memory feels like a whole other lifetime ago.

He would never forget her though, she was his first everything. He would rearrange the stars for her………

His Y/n.

He has never told the boys about Y/n, and he never thought about it until recently.

They have been trying to set him up with a pretty girl that was in the sorority house next to the hockey house. She was gorgeous and super nice, but Mark just couldn’t say yes. Not when Y/n was still fresh in his mind. He saw her in everything he did. At practice, eating, sleeping, in the pictures on his phone, the music he listens to…… just everything. She meant so much to him, and he wasn’t ready yet. So he decided as he was listening to one of her favorite songs.

Sad Beautiful Tragic by Taylor Swift. At first when she talked of it, it didn’t make sense. Until after she left him, and he saw the lyrics for what they were. So, he texted the boys that they needed to meet after practice at his dorm, and he was going to tell them about Y/n.

—-

“Woodruff! If you drop me I am going to be so upset!” She giggled in his ear as he picked her up and spun her around.

They had “broken into” the rink at night so he could take her on a date for their 6 month anniversary. So naturally he took her to dinner and then to skate but this time to skate at the rink that they had met at.

“Babe I’d never drop you!” He told her as he pretended to lose his grip.

“MARK!!!” She yelled excitedly as they both laughed.

He thought of that memory as Eddy fell into him at practice and he caught him. Eddy was joking about how Mark was his “guardian angel” and Mackie joked about how Eddy wouldn’t be able to survive practice without Mark being a catcher for the team. Aka the one who would quite literally catch the people who fell into him accidentally, even with his stick in his hand. He’d laugh it off, but that memory of him & Y/n still played in the back of his mind.

—

Getting back to the dorm before the rest of the boys, he sat on his bed looking around his side of the dorm. Little things that he hung up for her that he didn’t even remember doing. The picture frame near his bed side with the two of them in front of the big M circle at the Quad. The little notes that he had kept in a jar on the shelf near his old hoodies that she had used to steal from him. The notes were hand written before every game, saying like “good luck marky!” or “I love you woodruff.” and stuff like that, that he loved. She had given him some keepsakes to keep for his dorm especially. Including her pair of skates at the bottom of his closet. It had her initials engraved on blade, and a 4 embroidered on the skate itself. 4 was her favorite number “of all time” she had said to him one day. He always looked out for the number 4 wherever he went. 444 was her “angel” number that she tried to explain to him one day, even though he had no clue what she had been talking about; he now saw it all the time.

The boys’ chaos by entering the dorm startled him out of his dream like trance.

“Hey Mark. What’s so important that it had to be after practice? You okay?” Duker asked him as they all took seats around the small dorm.

“I wanted to talk to you about something important to me— because you keep bringing that girl—“ Mark tried to tell them as Mackie cut him off.

“The one from the sorority that we keep trying to set you up with?” Mackie asked, smirking a little, hoping this would go in a good direction.

“Yeah, and nothings wrong with her, she is super nice and everything but…” Mark told them as Luke looked at him, thinking he knew something was up.

“It’s the girl. The one from Storm. I remember you talking about her when we were at a game two years ago for recruitment.” Luke said as Mark nodded.

“You had a girlfriend this whole time?! I’m your roomie man?!” Eddy asked him questionably, feeling bad that he didn’t know his roommate well enough apparently.

The whole room erupted into yells but Luke kept looking at Mark with a “something is up” face.

“There a catch isn’t there, Estapa? Tell us about it….. that’s why we are here aren’t we?” Luke asked him as everyone grew quiet.

“Yeah Marky, tell us about your girl!” Duker said excitedly and Mark grabbed the picture frame by the table.

“Well…….. it’s a long story guys. Let’s start from where Luke said.” Mark said to the boys as the flashback starts in his head as he looked down at the picture frame.

—-

He remembers taking that picture like yesterday. They had been dating for a year when it was taken, and he was on his “commiting” trip to Michigan on an off weekend with the Storm. He invited his parents of course, and Y/n & her dad, which was coincidentally his head coach at Storm. There was no “bad blood” between them, and Mark was so excited to have all of his favorite people with him to go visit again and sign. The group had taken a tour through the grounds, and we’re headed to visit the arena when Y/n made Mark take a picture with him at the quad.

“Cmon ruff!! Take a picture with me, please!!” Y/n begged him with her classic bright smile. He could never say no to her, ever.

“Okay babe. Let’s take a picture! Hop on my shoulders!” He said as she laughed, hopping on his shoulders and his mom took a quick picture.

That soon became his favorite picture from that day. Even though that day emotionally wrecked him. They went to tour Yost again before signing, and while on center ice, he quickly took a picture of Y/n looking up at the board. She was just angelic as she stood in the middle of the M, glowing once more in one of his wolverine shirts that she loved to steal.

Soon after that picture was taken, Y/n and Mark had a moment in the tunnel, as the parents and coaches talked before he signed. The couple sat in the tunnel, at its edge, looking at the ice. She was side hugging him, and they sat in silence until she broke the silence.

“I wish I could see you play next year, M.” She said softly as she sighed.

“You’re going to, honey. I will fly you out here multiple times for you to watch. You’re going to have your own seat in the stands and—“ Mark started to ramble about the future until he heard her sniffle.

“Baby?” Mark said as he turned to her, hugging her.

“I have something to tell you— I may not be here next year at all.” She told him, wiping the tears off her face.

“Why? I’m not leaving you—“ Mark said softly to her.

“I have stage four cancer Mark, it’s aggressive and I— I only have not even 9 months left if I’m lucky…..” Y/n told him as his face turned pale.

“What?” Mark ask her questionably.

“It’s a blood cell type cancer that isn’t responding to any type of treatment…. I didn’t want to distract you but since the season is getting close to the end and you go to school soon…..” Y/n explained as her words just rang through his ears.

“Estapa! We’re ready for you to sign.” Coach Pearson said, cutting off the conversation.

“Okay Coach! Give me one minute.” He told his future coach as the pair stood up.

“Listen to me, we have tons of time, and see those seats at center, about nine rows up?” He told her as she nodded, not understanding what he was saying.

“I’m going to be waiting for you in those stands at every game. Looking for you in my jersey during every warm up and pointing to it every goal. You’re going to be here, I promise. I love you— we can talk more about this soon, okay?” He told the anxiety ridden girl, trying to consol his girlfriend as they walked to the room so Mark could sign.

—-

Two months later is when Coach Pearson contacted him after signing and asked him about his potential number options.

“Okay so what numbers are you looking at?” Coach asked over the phone as Mark looked at his sleeping girl friend in the chair next to him.

“I want 94 Coach, if I can. 4 for my girlfriend and 9 for me..” He told his coach as he tried to confirm it with the company. But the 9 wasn’t just for him, but for her as well.

“Big number, Estapa. It’s going to look good. We will see you in August, #94.” Coach P said laughing and he said goodbye.

Y/n stirred in the chair and she looked up at her boyfriend. Her boy who she loved so deeply. She was going to miss him so much.

“Mark? 94?” She asked him sleepily as he hugged her tight.

“Yeah, 4 for my girl, and 9 to say fuck cancer. I think it’s a good number, I like 94.” He told his girlfriend happily as she cuddled into him.

“I love you Mark Woodruff. With all of my heart, you’re going to do great things as #94.” She told him, kissing him softly.

—-

Month three, and Mark’s & Y/n’s anniversary took the turn for the worst. They were at the anniversary dinner when she started to feel sick and weaker. She didn’t say anything to Mark, putting on a famous Y/n smile and having the best night with the love of her life. It was perfect, the best night she had in her life…….. and one of the last normal ones she had.

A week after their year and a half anniversary, she was then hospitalized and put on life support. Everything had gone downhill in Mark’s life and he couldn’t handle it. The season just ended, Y/n was now even sicker than she was before…… he wanted some more time, but time couldn’t help him. She was on life support and couldn’t even talk back to him, it hurt his soul to see her like this. Even paler than he had ever seen her, she was still glowing with her light. He didn’t know if he would even see her smile again, but it was all that kept him going.

—-

The month passed, and it was month four out of the nine that she had told him about. She had gotten off of life support a week ago, and everything was headed in a better direction, at least that’s what Y/n lead Mark to believe.

The doctor told her that once she woke up, if she went under life support again, she may never wake up again. Morbid, but finally to the truth.

She decided to write more notes to Mark…. Pregame ones, post game ones, birthdays, anniversaries, when he’s sad “read these” or when he misses her “read these” type notes and put them in a jar. She also wrote him letters, letters about how it wasn’t his fault, and how he needed to find love again. Some letters just about how much that she loved him, other letters about memories that were her favorite, she made playlists for him to look at after she was gone, a book list & more as well. She wanted him to be prepared, but not overwhelmed. The letters became a big journal, that was red and had a M on it for Mark, and a 94 on the back. She also wrote a list of stuff for her mom to give to Mark when she passed.

It was really sweet, the amount of effort that she had put into making everyone happy all the time. That’s why everyone was even more devastated when she passed away in her sleep one night. It was a night after Mark left the hospital late, because Y/n and Mark had a deep conversation about the stars and life. It was 4 hours of talking, laughing, snuggling and taking in every moment. She hugged him extra tight that night, making sure to get every kiss in before he had to leave.

“Woodruff?” She asked him softly as he made sure he had everything before he went to leave.

“Yeah, babe?” He asked her softly, as she sat up. She just looked at him, taking in every single feature of the 6’1 boy who she fell in love with, who stood by her side, and loved her unconditionally through everything.

“I— I love you so much Mark. I love you, I love you. My 94, my everything.” She told him softly as he came and kissed her softly and then kissed her forehead before leaving. “See you tomorrow baby, I love you.” He told her, looking at her, as she gave him one last smile.

“Wait, babe, let me take a picture.” He said taking his phone out, capturing the memory of the smile…. not knowing it would be the last time. She smiled as he took it, and she tried to reach for her phone to do the same.

“I would if I could lift my arms babe. It’s in my heart forever.” She told him as he blew a kiss to her, walking out the door…. without knowing those would be the last words they ever exchanged.

—-

That was the last time Mark ever saw that smile in person. The night that his Y/n left him, but not without being in her own terms. Her mom had a list of instructions, letters for everyone important in her life, and the journal with everything for Mark in it. He was heartbroken, but his heart soared at how Y/n not only left on her own terms, but impacted so many people along the way.

The first thing he did was read the letter entitled: “94”. (written in big gold letters.) To: Woodruff From: Baby (in the signature blue ink that she loved)

M,

If you are reading this, that means that I am not with you anymore. Not by choice, I promise. When I wrote this, I had full intentions on staying longer, but times change. I know it’s going to be hard, but stay strong babe. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you’re going to do great things in this world. You have meant everything to me, and I am so so grateful that I was able to have you in my life. My soulmate, my love, the hockey boy who changed my world for the better. I am always watching over you! I have left Mom to give you some things that I have specifically left for you, but you can take other things if you want; I just need you to have the ones that she give you. Keep it, throw it away, burn it or whatever, just at least get it. Please. I was thinking about some conversations about life and the future that we had recently, and writing this makes me realize that I don’t have that much time with you left. I am so sorry that I can’t stay longer, I wanted to be in those stands for your games so bad. I’ll be wearing your 94 jersey in— well, wherever I’ll be. I will be watching over you as long as you let me, honey. But don’t be sad, go live your life, have fun, travel, love again. Please, love again, because your love is too good to be kept hidden. Thank you for being my boy and I love you to the moon and to Saturn, my woodruff. My Mark. <3

- Y/n

P.s: look up at the stars or stands when you miss me, I’ll for sure be everywhere, but especially there <3

—-

He took all of the stuff that her mom had left for him like she said, and went through everything. He had it rough for awhile. July is when reality hit and he had to start packing for August. He packed all of the stuff that she had given him to put in his dorm, not forgetting her skates. Her lucky skates. The book was safely hidden, and the jar was too.

August came and life started to change. He moved into the dorms, read a note everyday from the jar, went to practice and started to feel normal again. He had new teammates, new friendships, and new girls. But, time could never erase the hold Y/n had on Mark’s heart.

He partied some to keep the pain at bay, but then he would meet more girls which made it harder to turn down. It was tough. But he had to do it for now, until he could heal more.

September came and hockey was about to have the first game of the season. Everyone was ready to keep it going, now with crowds and energy. Mark was nervous, as it had been awhile since he played a game without his girl in the stands, but he knew she’d be there, somewhere.

That’s when the boys started to talk to Mark about the sorority girl, and how this story got told.

—-

“Well, that is the story of Y/n. That’s the reason—“ Mark says until he is cut off by Duker hugging him.

“I’m sorry I pushed, I’m sorry.” Dylan said, almost crying on his friends shoulder.

Everyone started to pile in, except for Luke. Luke was intrigued by the jar, he had been eyeing it since Mark mentioned it. Mark saw him look at it, and nodded him to grab it.

“Can I read one for tomorrow? The first game of the season?” Luke asked him softly, as the group looked to Mark anxiously.

“Yeah— go ahead Hughesy.” Mark said to him as Luke opens the little handwritten note. It was in blue ink and swirly, neat cursive handwriting. It was beautiful, just like she was.

“Marky! Happy game day, you’re going to kill it #94! I love you! Section 4 Row 9.” Luke said as Mark teared up a little.

“She remembered.” Mark told the group.

“Gotta play your heart out every game, but especially tomorrow, stop sign! We love you so much and see you tomorrow.” Mackie said and everyone started to fan out.

—-

Eddy and Mark sat in silence for the rest of the night, and the morning was tense. They were both so nervous for their first NCAA game.

Eddy, however had made a plan with the social media team to leave a 94 jersey on a certain seat in the stands that night, for at least warmups. So, the boys got ready and leafy for pregame, Mark listened to some music that got him hyped, and he put his chain with her initials engraved on it for game day. His good luck charm we going to be with him tonight, extra. She bought that chain after their 11 month anniversary, after going to LA on vacation. He had little nerves about the game until they went to the tunnel. Seeing all of the fans there for warm up made him have flashbacks to the conversation he had with Y/n before he signed.

Stepping on to the ice, he felt good, getting all the nerves out. Looking at all of the sections in the stands, one by one. Almost like he was looking for a sign. Section 4, row 9 is where he saw the #94 jersey with the words L/N on the back, hanging on the front of the seat. His heart stopped, he smiled brighter than he had before, looking up to the roof for a quick second before whispering a “Hi baby.”

Time could never erase the hold that Y/n L/n had on Mark Estapa’s heart…. It was sad, beautiful and tragic.

—-

abbster’s taglist: @hockeyboysarehot @hockey-lover86 @hockey-lover-22 @bellaguarneri @owenpwr @pulpfixion @owenpowersglasses @boeswhore @jamiedryzdale @studsccsnackavoybambi @pierrelucduboiis @the-stars-shine-above-us @oskarlidblom @dylandukerr @bbrisson24 @calermakar08 @lwstuff @mattsboldyy @dracoswhore007

[1-800-iluvhockey]

this is me trying - (n.blankenburg’s version)

summary - being the best friend of nick blankenburg turned out to be one of the best things in her life, as she was going through one of the worst times.

type - fic, requested for the 300+ special (lower case intended) song lyrics will be in bold (you will know when you see them)

warnings - tw: talks of mental instability, su*cidal thoughts, depression. read with caution to these topics! </3 

being best friends with a captain of a ncaa hockey team was one of the craziest things that could ever happen to y/n l/n. she became best friends with nick blankenburg during the middle of freshman year, and were inseparable ever since. now they were seniors, and everything has changed. nicky was captain of the umich hockey team, and the pair of best friends became parents.. not parents to an actual child they had together, but a mom & dad duo to all of the team. it was mostly the sophomores and freshman, but it was still 15 manchildren to deal with. blanks had always been a leader, so it was no doubt in y/n’s mind that he would become captain. she loved the fact that he was there for the boys in any and all ways that he could be….. and kinda loved the fact that she got dragged along. blanks was secretly in love with the girl, and had no idea until it was quite literally, almost too late….. 

y/n had always struggled on the inside about image and mental health. but she never let anyone know, naturally. she was a girl, a woman who was one of the bubbliest, happiest people you could ever meet. her laughter was contagious, sense of humor was perfect, her kindness radiated through her words and actions. she was the perfect team mom, best friend, and student….. on the outside. but on the inside, she just wanted to break down and leave it all behind. she was having a hard time adjusting to some little changes in her world. graduation, nhl signings, leaving. not saying that y/n had attachment issues, but sometimes the anxiety and depressive aspects of those things made it hard for her to think straight. sometimes when she would be out with the boys, she would make a joke about something like that, forgetting in that split moment that they had no clue about her struggles. blanks had some idea about the anxiety and “what if I am not good enough” thoughts she had. they tried to talk it out a few times, but it would just end in an argument. blanks didn’t know how to help anymore. she was so closed off and he knew that what she had been putting on was a facade. this senior year has been so much for her, without the boys or hockey in the mix…… but on top of it all, was too much. y/n was ready to crack under the pressure, blanks was trying to be a good best friend and look for the warning signs…. but still couldn’t see them until it was too late. 

“y/n are you going to take a break soon?” blanks asked his best friend who was studying like a madman in his house. books and papers scattered everywhere. 

“I will once the boys are here— I just need a few more minutes.” y/n mumbled as she moved the papers out of his way. 

“you’re scaring me y/n/n…please put the papers down and cuddle. pleaseeeee.” nick pleaded to her, as he came up behind her and hugged her neck. He just wanted his best friend, the secret love of his life back. 

“okay okay, let me put my stuff away, nicky.” she told her best friend, as he laughed and helped her out her stuff away. they both cleaned off everything and then cuddled on the (brand new) couch in the living room. he played with her hair and they got into a conversation about life. 

“where are you going to go after graduation?” he asked the sleepy, burnt out girl who was cuddled into his side. 

“I don’t know blanks…. I can go anywhere I want.” she replied to him softly, as he rubbed her back. 

“would you say yes to a crazy idea involving you and I?” he asked her seriously, lifting the two of them up so he could face her. 

“I don’t know N, like what?” she laughed a little as he showed her an email conversation between him and a nhl team. 

“nicholas blankenburg so help me if you are lying—“ she told him sternly as he just smiled brightly at her. 

“I could be in the nhl, babes. I have almost made it….. and I want you to go with me. after you graduate of course, please please y/n.” nick told her, holding her hands as she kept looking down at the email and back to him. 

“why— why me? you’re about to go start a new chapter of your life, you don’t need me anymore. you need a girlfriend and a life not—“ y/n started to ramble until he cut her off, kissing her softly. 

she didn’t know how to react to it, but she kissed him back, deepening it gently. he grabbed on to her waist and pulled her into him softly. this kiss had been on his mind for so long, and he couldn’t believe it was working. she had thought that she wasn’t good enough for him in this way, and now she is kissing him? if cloud 9 was a real place, she’d be there right now. separating apart, the blushing pair were soon greeted by the front door opening and a pile of boys entering through. 

“I— I got to go blanks, we will talk about this later okay? roomie needs me again, you know?” she told him, trying to leave the growing room and his face went from a smile to a frown. 

“okay drive back home safe?” he said semi questionably as she walked out the door. 

he got a text message and quickly looked down at his phone…… and smiled again. 

y/n 💘 - see u later, that kiss….. blanks you’re making me fall for you I hope you know that lol 

he smiled and texted back a quick

nick🤍 - I’m glad you liked the kiss, because I hope that you know it won’t be the last between us if you let me….. :) 

his phone buzzed again with a text from her 

y/n 💘 - it won’t be ;) see you soon <3 

and then the boys started to ask about everything, and nick never checked his phone again, until the next night. 

—

y/n went back to her place, conflicted in her mind about her life. nick was leaving but now kissed her…… asked her to go with him, and now she is crying in the shower over her best friend. her life was already crumbling from the inside out. but that kiss….. everything was perfect about that kiss. she could feel his smile on his lips when she deepened it, and the way his hands felt so good on her waist. that moment was the only thing keeping the bad thoughts away. so she decided to drink some wine, listen to some tswift and fall asleep. 

—

the next morning came, and the thoughts that she was trying to avoid came with it. so that morning, she spent it journaling, drinking tea, relaxing, and trying to get the negative feelings and depressive thoughts out of her brain. but the thoughts wouldn't stop, the feelings of taking a little too much of her antidepressants to end the thoughts consumed her to the core. she didn't want to leave yet, but maybe she could…. she wouldn't be a burden to anyone, and she could leave her legacy as the bubbly girl she is.. was. the rainy day didn't help any, as it felt like the perfect breakdown day. shaking, she went to the bathroom and grabbed the pills.. and poured some into her hand. tears pooling in her eyes while doing so.. she popped the normal amount into her mouth, swallowing them quickly. then, as the shaking continued, she poured some more pills into her hand; but something changed when she poured them in her hand. 

the rain on the off weekend let the boys relax some before they had a series of weekends of important games. blanks invited all the boys over for a game day, playing chel, ping pong, snacking all day… just having a chill day. he had still not heard from y/n since last night, and he was getting worried. rain was one of her favorite things, and he knew that she’d love to be here with the boys hanging out. so as he was about to call her, she was calling him. Quickly, he told the boys around him to shut up. 

“y/n? are you there?” blanks asked as all he could hear was her breathing on the other line. “baby you have to use your words…. I can’t help you unless I know what is wrong.” he asked softly as he started to look around at the group who were trying to get his attention. putting the phone away from his mouth he whispered a “get the car ready” to bords, who sprinted to blanks’ car. 

“I-- I have to see you Nicky-- I am-- sorry. I can’t do this anymore.” she told him as the pill bottle dropped to the floor in the background, causing nick’s face to drop. 

“no-- y/n please stay on the line. you can’t leave yet, I-- we have to leave soon.. remember? just hold on I am coming over.” he told her as all he heard back was footsteps and rain. 

“I gotta go--” she said quickly and hung up, causing nick to throw his phone across the room as bords came back inside. 

“capt? what’s wrong?” kent asked as he approached the frustrated boy. 

“I-- I don't know what to do. I need to go after her--” nick said as he tried to sprint out the door. bords stops him quickly, and owen guards the door. 

“blanks! the rain is too much right now, you gotta wait it out!” bords told him, as brendan backed him up.

“she’s going to be okay for a few more minutes--” brendan said trying to reason with the anger ridden captain in front of him. 

“no-- you don’t understand how she was, it was a cry for help--- let me go.” blanks told the group of boys angrily as he tried to make his way through. the boys went into chaos, arguing over if they would let blanks go or not….. but 

a knock on the front door startled them. owen heard it first as he was guarding the door, he opened it to reveal a drenched, tear stained, y/n l/n. blanks’ body almost dropped to the floor when he saw the girl he loved looking in such a state. she was shivering, crying, and just broken. the boys couldn't even move until blanks made his way through the sea of boys to bring her into the house. blanks hugged her so tight, and all that mattered is that she was physically alive in front of him.

“now i’m here in your doorway-- I just didn't know if you cared that I came back.” she told him softly into his shoulder.

the boys gave her some towels and hot cocoa as they all sat around the couch, making sure that she was okay. blanks tried to kick them into another room so that y/n could have some space, but she needed the boys there. after getting some cocoa in and warmth in her system, she decided to tell the boys about everything. the backstory behind her depression, the anxiety attacks, the thoughts, and even about the attempt she had on herself not even an hour ago. getting it off her chest helped, but it didn't hurt any less. blanks was almost about to cry over the whole thing because he couldn’t be there to help, and y/n felt awful about it. the boys didn’t say a word, just sat and listened to their girl talk about the internal struggles she had / have been having. they felt awful, and as best friends and brothers, they felt that they have missed the warning signs……

—

now, after a good talk with the guys about her struggles, she could finally talk to blanks, alone in his room. 

“why didn’t you tell me? I wanted-- I am here for you for everything. I feel so bad that I let you down.” he told her as they sat down on his bed. 

“I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry-- I love you too much for you to do that to yourself.” she sighed as she grabbed on to his bicep to hold on to. 

“you love me?” he asked her softly, looking down at her. 

“always nicky, you're my person…. I hope you understand if we continue our talk and feelings from last night-- I am a broken person. I have too many prob--” y/n was then cut off by nick kissing her softly. the butterflies came back and the memory from last night's sweet kiss came back like a flashback in a film reel. 

“you will never be too broken for love y/n, let me love you. this is me trying to show you that you are going to have me there, always.” he told her, hugging her. 

“can I talk more about my anxiety and………..” she started to rant about how everything was crumbling around her, getting it off her chest. what she didn’t notice is the boy staring back at her, taking every word into his mind, making mental notes on how to help and love her… 

this was her trying, she was trying; she was trying for him. the boy who loved her and the man who she wanted to love for the rest of her life if she could, her best friend, her nick.

—

abbster’s taglist: @hockeyboysarehot @hockey-lover86 @hockey-lover-22 @bellaguarneri @owenpwr @studsccsnackavoybambi @boeswhore @jamiedryzdale @mattsboldyy @owenpowersglasses @pierrelucduboiis @oskarlidblom @dylandukerr @calermakar08 @the-stars-shine-above-us @pulpfixion @thedukes-56-5 @lwstuff @juliasahoshughes @dracoswhore007

[1-800-iluvhockey]

reputation - m.estapa

requested insta edit of mark & y/n soft launching their relationship by using rep tswift lyrics! I used mainstream ones so people could kinda know (even though I wanted harder lyrics lol) but I hope you enjoy! it is for my 300+ special <3

(all photos are not mine & the storyline is fiction)

——————————

yourusername

liked by @markestapa, @edwards.73, @brendanbrisson & others

yourusername - dress by taylor swift > 🖤☁️🤍🌅

tagged @/ none

view top comments

brendanbrisson - y/n, you’re a STUNNA🤩

markestapa - lucky man 😮‍💨

thombordeleau - ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

lhughes_06 - best friend 😩

dylanduke25 - yes our swiftie queen 👸🏻

erikportillo - 🤩🤩

audreyoconnor - both of those dresses are stunning n/n!! also….. you have “the” glow!! 😍

edwards.73 - ^^ AUDREY WHAT 🤨

yourusername - she is hinting at the “boy” glow 🥰

mackie.samo - WHAT IS A BOY GLOW?! ^ @yourusername

——————————

markestapa

liked by @lhughes_06, @dylanduke25, @mackie.samo & others

markestapa - stay here, honey, I don’t want to share….. ‘cause I like you 🤍

tagged @/ mylove

view top comments

dylanduke25 - why keep her a secret, marky?

lhughes_06 - I’ve been around y/n too long not to know that those are tswift lyrics (delicate, tswift)

markestapa - my girl would like you for that comment @lhughes_06 ^

edwards.73 - HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT YOU HAD A GIRL

markestapa - a magician never reveals his secrets 🎩❤️‍🩹

yourusername - she’s got you down bad if she tells you tswift lyrics / if you use them ❤️‍🔥

mbeniers10 - can confirm that statement ^

owenpower_ - back to classics + rep tswift?!

yourusername - BOYS KNOW THIS STUFF?! ^ @owenpower_

owenpower_ - no we have just been around our favorite girl for so so long 🤭 #y/nisourbiggestfan

——————————

yourusername

liked by @markestapa, @audreyoconnor, @mackie.samo & others

yourusername - ridin’ in a getaway car 🚨

(he put the bear’s bowtie in my hair <33)

tagged @/ none

view top comments

markestapa - sirens in the beat of your heart 🖤

dylanduke25 - @markestapa is putting his new girl’s tswift knowledge to work

lhughes_06 - no way 🫠

audreyoconnor - SO SWEET 😭❤️‍🔥

thombordeleau - PLACE YOUR BETS IN THE COMMENT SECTION 💰💰

edwards.73 - $200 for

brendanbrisson - $200 against (sorry marky)

mbeniers10 - $100 for

kentjohnson.13 - no bets from me, but just good luck ✨#gomark&y/n ✨

mackie.samo - CALLED IT

edwards.73 - HEY! we are waiting for conformation still!!! ^^ 😋

——————————

yourusername

liked by @markestapa, @edwards.73, @owenpower_ & others

yourusername - all eyes on you, my magician….. ? (where did you go) ❤️‍🩹

tagged @/ none

view top comments

markestapa - back against the wall??

dylanduke25 - it’s a blank space, y/n 🤨

lhughes_06 - wrong song @dylanduke25 ^. trippin when you call (so it goes, tswift)

brendanbrisson - WHY MUST PEOPLE TALK IN RIDDLES??

kentjohnson.13 - BRISS, it’s lyrics….. maybe for you it’s riddles 😀

owenpower_ - we listen to our y/n/n’s wonderful taste in music 🤩 idk about her taste in guys yet….. #200onmark!

——————————

markestapa

liked by @edwards.73, @kentjohnson.13, @owenpower_ & others

markestapa - and I’m just gonna call you, mine ☁️

tagged @/ yourusername

comments disabled

——————————

yourusername

liked by @markestapa, lhughes_06, @dylanduke25 & others

yourusername - I want to wear his intial on a chain ‘round my neck, chain ‘round my neck…… not because he owns me, but because he truly knows me

#nowitslatenovember #holdingmybreath

tagged @/ markestapa

comments disabled

——————————

abbster’s taglist: @hockeyboysarehot @hockey-lover86 @hockey-lover-22 @pulpfixion @bellaguarneri @dracoswhore007 @owenpowersglasses @calermakar08 @oskarlidblom @owenpwr @thedukes-56-5 @lwstuff @pierrelucduboiis @the-stars-shine-above-us @boeswhore @jamiedryzdale @juliasahoshughes @njdhischier @studsccsnackavoybambi

[1-800-iluvhockey]

hi :)

I wanted to make a list of what to look forward to (and what is) my special! (I am linking it as we go!)

also I like adding the (______’s version) to the titles, so I am going to with it and add that to my works for this special!

so here is list (right now)

F I C S -

sad beautiful tragic - (m.estapa’s version)

this is me trying - (n.blankenburg’s version)

wildest dreams - (t.bordeleau’s version) *

enchanted - (t.bordeleau’s version)

king of my heart - (m.knies’ version)

ivy - (k. johnson’s version)

E D I T S -

reputation…… - (m.estapa’s version)

as it was - (l.hughes)

sweet creature - (e.edwards)

B L U R B S -

I think he knows - (j.hughes’ version)

closure - (b.brisson’s version)

[1-800-iluvhockey]

I guess this means that you guys wouldn’t want my sad tswift inspired mark fic any time soon 🤨

[1-800-iluvhockey]

how I feel when I am going through my special list and see the mirrorball & betty requests sitting there

[1-800-iluvhockey]

will the cute Jamie drysdale fic be up? also what are some other posts that will be coming from the special?

jamie will be out tomorrow! I haven't gotten a chance to finish it today!

I have about 4 instagram edits, 6 more fics and a blurb to come for the special!!

[1-800-iluvhockey]

who is work 2 for though like who am I going to hate or which boy is about to make my heart sad

okay so it’s not as sad as the last one I promise….. even thought the title leads you to believe that lol

this is me trying - n.blankenburg is work #2

august or delicate is work #3

work #4 is hey stephen….. but it’s hey jamie :D

also have some edits I have been planning out for the special!!

[1-800-iluvhockey]

so um

you guys are going to want to kill me again for this

but work #2 of the special is coming out today for sure!

#3 is lighter and will be happier, I promise :)

[1-800-iluvhockey]

I am so excited to read whatever you are putting out the next few days! :)

😭🥺

omg stop I’m extra excited because you said that💘💖💞

[1-800-iluvhockey]

OHHH IT DOES RHYME.

also i am so so excited for your nicky b fic ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

rin

omg the anon who sent it, wrote most of the storyline for me and it is beautiful

will be out later today </3

also I’m listening to sweetest pie by meg & dua lipa JAMMING OUT right now as I head home because I bled through 😳

[1-800-iluvhockey]

my first post from the special will be out tonight!

sad beautiful tragic - m.estapa

[hockey-lover86]

ahh i am in love with this!!!

reputation - m.estapa

requested insta edit of mark & y/n soft launching their relationship by using rep tswift lyrics! I used mainstream ones so people could kinda know (even though I wanted harder lyrics lol) but I hope you enjoy! it is for my 300+ special <3

(all photos are not mine & the storyline is fiction)

——————————

yourusername

liked by @markestapa, @edwards.73, @brendanbrisson & others

yourusername - dress by taylor swift > 🖤☁️🤍🌅

tagged @/ none

view top comments

brendanbrisson - y/n, you’re a STUNNA🤩

markestapa - lucky man 😮‍💨

thombordeleau - ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

lhughes_06 - best friend 😩

dylanduke25 - yes our swiftie queen 👸🏻

erikportillo - 🤩🤩

audreyoconnor - both of those dresses are stunning n/n!! also….. you have “the” glow!! 😍

edwards.73 - ^^ AUDREY WHAT 🤨

yourusername - she is hinting at the “boy” glow 🥰

mackie.samo - WHAT IS A BOY GLOW?! ^ @yourusername

——————————

markestapa

liked by @lhughes_06, @dylanduke25, @mackie.samo & others

markestapa - stay here, honey, I don’t want to share….. ‘cause I like you 🤍

tagged @/ mylove

view top comments

dylanduke25 - why keep her a secret, marky?

lhughes_06 - I’ve been around y/n too long not to know that those are tswift lyrics (delicate, tswift)

markestapa - my girl would like you for that comment @lhughes_06 ^

edwards.73 - HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT YOU HAD A GIRL

markestapa - a magician never reveals his secrets 🎩❤️‍🩹

yourusername - she’s got you down bad if she tells you tswift lyrics / if you use them ❤️‍🔥

mbeniers10 - can confirm that statement ^

owenpower_ - back to classics + rep tswift?!

yourusername - BOYS KNOW THIS STUFF?! ^ @owenpower_

owenpower_ - no we have just been around our favorite girl for so so long 🤭 #y/nisourbiggestfan

——————————

yourusername

liked by @markestapa, @audreyoconnor, @mackie.samo & others

yourusername - ridin’ in a getaway car 🚨

(he put the bear’s bowtie in my hair <33)

tagged @/ none

view top comments

markestapa - sirens in the beat of your heart 🖤

dylanduke25 - @markestapa is putting his new girl’s tswift knowledge to work

lhughes_06 - no way 🫠

audreyoconnor - SO SWEET 😭❤️‍🔥

thombordeleau - PLACE YOUR BETS IN THE COMMENT SECTION 💰💰

edwards.73 - $200 for

brendanbrisson - $200 against (sorry marky)

mbeniers10 - $100 for

kentjohnson.13 - no bets from me, but just good luck ✨#gomark&y/n ✨

mackie.samo - CALLED IT

edwards.73 - HEY! we are waiting for conformation still!!! ^^ 😋

——————————

yourusername

liked by @markestapa, @edwards.73, @owenpower_ & others

yourusername - all eyes on you, my magician….. ? (where did you go) ❤️‍🩹

tagged @/ none

view top comments

markestapa - back against the wall??

dylanduke25 - it’s a blank space, y/n 🤨

lhughes_06 - wrong song @dylanduke25 ^. trippin when you call (so it goes, tswift)

brendanbrisson - WHY MUST PEOPLE TALK IN RIDDLES??

kentjohnson.13 - BRISS, it’s lyrics….. maybe for you it’s riddles 😀

owenpower_ - we listen to our y/n/n’s wonderful taste in music 🤩 idk about her taste in guys yet….. #200onmark!

——————————

markestapa

liked by @edwards.73, @kentjohnson.13, @owenpower_ & others

markestapa - and I’m just gonna call you, mine ☁️

tagged @/ yourusername

comments disabled

——————————

yourusername

liked by @markestapa, lhughes_06, @dylanduke25 & others

yourusername - I want to wear his intial on a chain ‘round my neck, chain ‘round my neck…… not because he owns me, but because he truly knows me

#nowitslatenovember #holdingmybreath

tagged @/ markestapa

comments disabled

——————————

abbster’s taglist: @hockeyboysarehot @hockey-lover86 @hockey-lover-22 @pulpfixion @bellaguarneri @dracoswhore007 @owenpowersglasses @calermakar08 @oskarlidblom @owenpwr @thedukes-56-5 @lwstuff @pierrelucduboiis @the-stars-shine-above-us @boeswhore @jamiedryzdale @juliasahoshughes @njdhischier @studsccsnackavoybambi

[matthewkniesys]

So cute <333 The divorced parents follower special is giving me life! 💖

reputation - m.estapa

requested insta edit of mark & y/n soft launching their relationship by using rep tswift lyrics! I used mainstream ones so people could kinda know (even though I wanted harder lyrics lol) but I hope you enjoy! it is for my 300+ special <3

(all photos are not mine & the storyline is fiction)

——————————

yourusername

liked by @markestapa, @edwards.73, @brendanbrisson & others

yourusername - dress by taylor swift > 🖤☁️🤍🌅

tagged @/ none

view top comments

brendanbrisson - y/n, you’re a STUNNA🤩

markestapa - lucky man 😮‍💨

thombordeleau - ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

lhughes_06 - best friend 😩

dylanduke25 - yes our swiftie queen 👸🏻

erikportillo - 🤩🤩

audreyoconnor - both of those dresses are stunning n/n!! also….. you have “the” glow!! 😍

edwards.73 - ^^ AUDREY WHAT 🤨

yourusername - she is hinting at the “boy” glow 🥰

mackie.samo - WHAT IS A BOY GLOW?! ^ @yourusername

——————————

markestapa

liked by @lhughes_06, @dylanduke25, @mackie.samo & others

markestapa - stay here, honey, I don’t want to share….. ‘cause I like you 🤍

tagged @/ mylove

view top comments

dylanduke25 - why keep her a secret, marky?

lhughes_06 - I’ve been around y/n too long not to know that those are tswift lyrics (delicate, tswift)

markestapa - my girl would like you for that comment @lhughes_06 ^

edwards.73 - HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT YOU HAD A GIRL

markestapa - a magician never reveals his secrets 🎩❤️‍🩹

yourusername - she’s got you down bad if she tells you tswift lyrics / if you use them ❤️‍🔥

mbeniers10 - can confirm that statement ^

owenpower_ - back to classics + rep tswift?!

yourusername - BOYS KNOW THIS STUFF?! ^ @owenpower_

owenpower_ - no we have just been around our favorite girl for so so long 🤭 #y/nisourbiggestfan

——————————

yourusername

liked by @markestapa, @audreyoconnor, @mackie.samo & others

yourusername - ridin’ in a getaway car 🚨

(he put the bear’s bowtie in my hair <33)

tagged @/ none

view top comments

markestapa - sirens in the beat of your heart 🖤

dylanduke25 - @markestapa is putting his new girl’s tswift knowledge to work

lhughes_06 - no way 🫠

audreyoconnor - SO SWEET 😭❤️‍🔥

thombordeleau - PLACE YOUR BETS IN THE COMMENT SECTION 💰💰

edwards.73 - $200 for

brendanbrisson - $200 against (sorry marky)

mbeniers10 - $100 for

kentjohnson.13 - no bets from me, but just good luck ✨#gomark&y/n ✨

mackie.samo - CALLED IT

edwards.73 - HEY! we are waiting for conformation still!!! ^^ 😋

——————————

yourusername

liked by @markestapa, @edwards.73, @owenpower_ & others

yourusername - all eyes on you, my magician….. ? (where did you go) ❤️‍🩹

tagged @/ none

view top comments

markestapa - back against the wall??

dylanduke25 - it’s a blank space, y/n 🤨

lhughes_06 - wrong song @dylanduke25 ^. trippin when you call (so it goes, tswift)

brendanbrisson - WHY MUST PEOPLE TALK IN RIDDLES??

kentjohnson.13 - BRISS, it’s lyrics….. maybe for you it’s riddles 😀

owenpower_ - we listen to our y/n/n’s wonderful taste in music 🤩 idk about her taste in guys yet….. #200onmark!

——————————

markestapa

liked by @edwards.73, @kentjohnson.13, @owenpower_ & others

markestapa - and I’m just gonna call you, mine ☁️

tagged @/ yourusername

comments disabled

——————————

yourusername

liked by @markestapa, lhughes_06, @dylanduke25 & others

yourusername - I want to wear his intial on a chain ‘round my neck, chain ‘round my neck…… not because he owns me, but because he truly knows me

#nowitslatenovember #holdingmybreath

tagged @/ markestapa

comments disabled

——————————

abbster’s taglist: @hockeyboysarehot @hockey-lover86 @hockey-lover-22 @pulpfixion @bellaguarneri @dracoswhore007 @owenpowersglasses @calermakar08 @oskarlidblom @owenpwr @thedukes-56-5 @lwstuff @pierrelucduboiis @the-stars-shine-above-us @boeswhore @jamiedryzdale @juliasahoshughes @njdhischier @studsccsnackavoybambi

[hockey-lover86]

my heart, this was so cute but at the same time so so so sad

sad beautiful tragic - m.estapa

summary - mark’s first love had a everlasting effect on his life, and his heart. so before the first game of the season, he finally told the boys about y/n…..

type - (3.8 wc) fic, for the 300+ special!

warnings - rollercoaster of emotions, read with caution. </3

When Mark first met Y/n L/n, he truly thought that he had saw an angel in real life. He had saw her outside the rink one day, with skates in her hand. She had a glow to her, even though she was wearing a tri city storm hoodie and leggings. He couldn’t approach her to talk to her, as he was starstruck and she was on the phone. She saw him, looking around and then making eye contact with her. She waved at him, smiling brightly as she said a “okay dad whenever you can unlock the door is fine.” and hung up to walk over to the cute boy anxiously freaking out.

“Hi I’m Y/n, I saw you—“ She started to say until Mark cut off in a quick way.

“Yeah sorry about that, I wanted to come up to talk to you but I saw that you are the phone. I can unlock the door if you need me to? My coach is still in there.” He laughed as they both walk to the door.

“My dad’s got it, he just got out of practice.” She told him, beaming at him.

“What’s your name, pretty boy? I’ve seen you around here a few times.” She flirted as she looked to see someone headed to the door.

“It’s Mark, Mark Estapa. It’s my first season with Storm. Y/n…..” Mark trails off.

“L/n, Y/n L/n. Nice to meet one of my dad’s players, I won’t tell him that you were flirting in the beginning, but I don’t mind.” She tells him as his face turns from pale to pink.

“I haven’t even tried to fully flirt yet, unless you want me to over ice cream.” Mark says as he flashes her a smile.

The door opens and Mark holds it open, thanking the person who held it open for them. Y/n took out a slip of paper and a pen, scribbling a few things down before handing it to the tall boy.

“Here’s my number, ice cream? I’m good with that but I prefer milkshakes, Estapa. Text me!” She says happily as she sprints off to the ice.

“I’m the lucky one— I have to text the guys about this.” He told himself as he saved her number under “Y/n 💖”

—-

He laughs at the memory now, as he sits in econ. Now he is a freshman at the University of Michigan, and that memory feels like a whole other lifetime ago.

He would never forget her though, she was his first everything. He would rearrange the stars for her………

His Y/n.

He has never told the boys about Y/n, and he never thought about it until recently.

They have been trying to set him up with a pretty girl that was in the sorority house next to the hockey house. She was gorgeous and super nice, but Mark just couldn’t say yes. Not when Y/n was still fresh in his mind. He saw her in everything he did. At practice, eating, sleeping, in the pictures on his phone, the music he listens to…… just everything. She meant so much to him, and he wasn’t ready yet. So he decided as he was listening to one of her favorite songs.

Sad Beautiful Tragic by Taylor Swift. At first when she talked of it, it didn’t make sense. Until after she left him, and he saw the lyrics for what they were. So, he texted the boys that they needed to meet after practice at his dorm, and he was going to tell them about Y/n.

—-

“Woodruff! If you drop me I am going to be so upset!” She giggled in his ear as he picked her up and spun her around.

They had “broken into” the rink at night so he could take her on a date for their 6 month anniversary. So naturally he took her to dinner and then to skate but this time to skate at the rink that they had met at.

“Babe I’d never drop you!” He told her as he pretended to lose his grip.

“MARK!!!” She yelled excitedly as they both laughed.

He thought of that memory as Eddy fell into him at practice and he caught him. Eddy was joking about how Mark was his “guardian angel” and Mackie joked about how Eddy wouldn’t be able to survive practice without Mark being a catcher for the team. Aka the one who would quite literally catch the people who fell into him accidentally, even with his stick in his hand. He’d laugh it off, but that memory of him & Y/n still played in the back of his mind.

—

Getting back to the dorm before the rest of the boys, he sat on his bed looking around his side of the dorm. Little things that he hung up for her that he didn’t even remember doing. The picture frame near his bed side with the two of them in front of the big M circle at the Quad. The little notes that he had kept in a jar on the shelf near his old hoodies that she had used to steal from him. The notes were hand written before every game, saying like “good luck marky!” or “I love you woodruff.” and stuff like that, that he loved. She had given him some keepsakes to keep for his dorm especially. Including her pair of skates at the bottom of his closet. It had her initials engraved on blade, and a 4 embroidered on the skate itself. 4 was her favorite number “of all time” she had said to him one day. He always looked out for the number 4 wherever he went. 444 was her “angel” number that she tried to explain to him one day, even though he had no clue what she had been talking about; he now saw it all the time.

The boys’ chaos by entering the dorm startled him out of his dream like trance.

“Hey Mark. What’s so important that it had to be after practice? You okay?” Duker asked him as they all took seats around the small dorm.

“I wanted to talk to you about something important to me— because you keep bringing that girl—“ Mark tried to tell them as Mackie cut him off.

“The one from the sorority that we keep trying to set you up with?” Mackie asked, smirking a little, hoping this would go in a good direction.

“Yeah, and nothings wrong with her, she is super nice and everything but…” Mark told them as Luke looked at him, thinking he knew something was up.

“It’s the girl. The one from Storm. I remember you talking about her when we were at a game two years ago for recruitment.” Luke said as Mark nodded.

“You had a girlfriend this whole time?! I’m your roomie man?!” Eddy asked him questionably, feeling bad that he didn’t know his roommate well enough apparently.

The whole room erupted into yells but Luke kept looking at Mark with a “something is up” face.

“There a catch isn’t there, Estapa? Tell us about it….. that’s why we are here aren’t we?” Luke asked him as everyone grew quiet.

“Yeah Marky, tell us about your girl!” Duker said excitedly and Mark grabbed the picture frame by the table.

“Well…….. it’s a long story guys. Let’s start from where Luke said.” Mark said to the boys as the flashback starts in his head as he looked down at the picture frame.

—-

He remembers taking that picture like yesterday. They had been dating for a year when it was taken, and he was on his “commiting” trip to Michigan on an off weekend with the Storm. He invited his parents of course, and Y/n & her dad, which was coincidentally his head coach at Storm. There was no “bad blood” between them, and Mark was so excited to have all of his favorite people with him to go visit again and sign. The group had taken a tour through the grounds, and we’re headed to visit the arena when Y/n made Mark take a picture with him at the quad.

“Cmon ruff!! Take a picture with me, please!!” Y/n begged him with her classic bright smile. He could never say no to her, ever.

“Okay babe. Let’s take a picture! Hop on my shoulders!” He said as she laughed, hopping on his shoulders and his mom took a quick picture.

That soon became his favorite picture from that day. Even though that day emotionally wrecked him. They went to tour Yost again before signing, and while on center ice, he quickly took a picture of Y/n looking up at the board. She was just angelic as she stood in the middle of the M, glowing once more in one of his wolverine shirts that she loved to steal.

Soon after that picture was taken, Y/n and Mark had a moment in the tunnel, as the parents and coaches talked before he signed. The couple sat in the tunnel, at its edge, looking at the ice. She was side hugging him, and they sat in silence until she broke the silence.

“I wish I could see you play next year, M.” She said softly as she sighed.

“You’re going to, honey. I will fly you out here multiple times for you to watch. You’re going to have your own seat in the stands and—“ Mark started to ramble about the future until he heard her sniffle.

“Baby?” Mark said as he turned to her, hugging her.

“I have something to tell you— I may not be here next year at all.” She told him, wiping the tears off her face.

“Why? I’m not leaving you—“ Mark said softly to her.

“I have stage four cancer Mark, it’s aggressive and I— I only have not even 9 months left if I’m lucky…..” Y/n told him as his face turned pale.

“What?” Mark ask her questionably.

“It’s a blood cell type cancer that isn’t responding to any type of treatment…. I didn’t want to distract you but since the season is getting close to the end and you go to school soon…..” Y/n explained as her words just rang through his ears.

“Estapa! We’re ready for you to sign.” Coach Pearson said, cutting off the conversation.

“Okay Coach! Give me one minute.” He told his future coach as the pair stood up.

“Listen to me, we have tons of time, and see those seats at center, about nine rows up?” He told her as she nodded, not understanding what he was saying.

“I’m going to be waiting for you in those stands at every game. Looking for you in my jersey during every warm up and pointing to it every goal. You’re going to be here, I promise. I love you— we can talk more about this soon, okay?” He told the anxiety ridden girl, trying to consol his girlfriend as they walked to the room so Mark could sign.

—-

Two months later is when Coach Pearson contacted him after signing and asked him about his potential number options.

“Okay so what numbers are you looking at?” Coach asked over the phone as Mark looked at his sleeping girl friend in the chair next to him.

“I want 94 Coach, if I can. 4 for my girlfriend and 9 for me..” He told his coach as he tried to confirm it with the company. But the 9 wasn’t just for him, but for her as well.

“Big number, Estapa. It’s going to look good. We will see you in August, #94.” Coach P said laughing and he said goodbye.

Y/n stirred in the chair and she looked up at her boyfriend. Her boy who she loved so deeply. She was going to miss him so much.

“Mark? 94?” She asked him sleepily as he hugged her tight.

“Yeah, 4 for my girl, and 9 to say fuck cancer. I think it’s a good number, I like 94.” He told his girlfriend happily as she cuddled into him.

“I love you Mark Woodruff. With all of my heart, you’re going to do great things as #94.” She told him, kissing him softly.

—-

Month three, and Mark’s & Y/n’s anniversary took the turn for the worst. They were at the anniversary dinner when she started to feel sick and weaker. She didn’t say anything to Mark, putting on a famous Y/n smile and having the best night with the love of her life. It was perfect, the best night she had in her life…….. and one of the last normal ones she had.

A week after their year and a half anniversary, she was then hospitalized and put on life support. Everything had gone downhill in Mark’s life and he couldn’t handle it. The season just ended, Y/n was now even sicker than she was before…… he wanted some more time, but time couldn’t help him. She was on life support and couldn’t even talk back to him, it hurt his soul to see her like this. Even paler than he had ever seen her, she was still glowing with her light. He didn’t know if he would even see her smile again, but it was all that kept him going.

—-

The month passed, and it was month four out of the nine that she had told him about. She had gotten off of life support a week ago, and everything was headed in a better direction, at least that’s what Y/n lead Mark to believe.

The doctor told her that once she woke up, if she went under life support again, she may never wake up again. Morbid, but finally to the truth.

She decided to write more notes to Mark…. Pregame ones, post game ones, birthdays, anniversaries, when he’s sad “read these” or when he misses her “read these” type notes and put them in a jar. She also wrote him letters, letters about how it wasn’t his fault, and how he needed to find love again. Some letters just about how much that she loved him, other letters about memories that were her favorite, she made playlists for him to look at after she was gone, a book list & more as well. She wanted him to be prepared, but not overwhelmed. The letters became a big journal, that was red and had a M on it for Mark, and a 94 on the back. She also wrote a list of stuff for her mom to give to Mark when she passed.

It was really sweet, the amount of effort that she had put into making everyone happy all the time. That’s why everyone was even more devastated when she passed away in her sleep one night. It was a night after Mark left the hospital late, because Y/n and Mark had a deep conversation about the stars and life. It was 4 hours of talking, laughing, snuggling and taking in every moment. She hugged him extra tight that night, making sure to get every kiss in before he had to leave.

“Woodruff?” She asked him softly as he made sure he had everything before he went to leave.

“Yeah, babe?” He asked her softly, as she sat up. She just looked at him, taking in every single feature of the 6’1 boy who she fell in love with, who stood by her side, and loved her unconditionally through everything.

“I— I love you so much Mark. I love you, I love you. My 94, my everything.” She told him softly as he came and kissed her softly and then kissed her forehead before leaving. “See you tomorrow baby, I love you.” He told her, looking at her, as she gave him one last smile.

“Wait, babe, let me take a picture.” He said taking his phone out, capturing the memory of the smile…. not knowing it would be the last time. She smiled as he took it, and she tried to reach for her phone to do the same.

“I would if I could lift my arms babe. It’s in my heart forever.” She told him as he blew a kiss to her, walking out the door…. without knowing those would be the last words they ever exchanged.

—-

That was the last time Mark ever saw that smile in person. The night that his Y/n left him, but not without being in her own terms. Her mom had a list of instructions, letters for everyone important in her life, and the journal with everything for Mark in it. He was heartbroken, but his heart soared at how Y/n not only left on her own terms, but impacted so many people along the way.

The first thing he did was read the letter entitled: “94”. (written in big gold letters.) To: Woodruff From: Baby (in the signature blue ink that she loved)

M,

If you are reading this, that means that I am not with you anymore. Not by choice, I promise. When I wrote this, I had full intentions on staying longer, but times change. I know it’s going to be hard, but stay strong babe. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you’re going to do great things in this world. You have meant everything to me, and I am so so grateful that I was able to have you in my life. My soulmate, my love, the hockey boy who changed my world for the better. I am always watching over you! I have left Mom to give you some things that I have specifically left for you, but you can take other things if you want; I just need you to have the ones that she give you. Keep it, throw it away, burn it or whatever, just at least get it. Please. I was thinking about some conversations about life and the future that we had recently, and writing this makes me realize that I don’t have that much time with you left. I am so sorry that I can’t stay longer, I wanted to be in those stands for your games so bad. I’ll be wearing your 94 jersey in— well, wherever I’ll be. I will be watching over you as long as you let me, honey. But don’t be sad, go live your life, have fun, travel, love again. Please, love again, because your love is too good to be kept hidden. Thank you for being my boy and I love you to the moon and to Saturn, my woodruff. My Mark. <3

- Y/n

P.s: look up at the stars or stands when you miss me, I’ll for sure be everywhere, but especially there <3

—-

He took all of the stuff that her mom had left for him like she said, and went through everything. He had it rough for awhile. July is when reality hit and he had to start packing for August. He packed all of the stuff that she had given him to put in his dorm, not forgetting her skates. Her lucky skates. The book was safely hidden, and the jar was too.

August came and life started to change. He moved into the dorms, read a note everyday from the jar, went to practice and started to feel normal again. He had new teammates, new friendships, and new girls. But, time could never erase the hold Y/n had on Mark’s heart.

He partied some to keep the pain at bay, but then he would meet more girls which made it harder to turn down. It was tough. But he had to do it for now, until he could heal more.

September came and hockey was about to have the first game of the season. Everyone was ready to keep it going, now with crowds and energy. Mark was nervous, as it had been awhile since he played a game without his girl in the stands, but he knew she’d be there, somewhere.

That’s when the boys started to talk to Mark about the sorority girl, and how this story got told.

—-

“Well, that is the story of Y/n. That’s the reason—“ Mark says until he is cut off by Duker hugging him.

“I’m sorry I pushed, I’m sorry.” Dylan said, almost crying on his friends shoulder.

Everyone started to pile in, except for Luke. Luke was intrigued by the jar, he had been eyeing it since Mark mentioned it. Mark saw him look at it, and nodded him to grab it.

“Can I read one for tomorrow? The first game of the season?” Luke asked him softly, as the group looked to Mark anxiously.

“Yeah— go ahead Hughesy.” Mark said to him as Luke opens the little handwritten note. It was in blue ink and swirly, neat cursive handwriting. It was beautiful, just like she was.

“Marky! Happy game day, you’re going to kill it #94! I love you! Section 4 Row 9.” Luke said as Mark teared up a little.

“She remembered.” Mark told the group.

“Gotta play your heart out every game, but especially tomorrow, stop sign! We love you so much and see you tomorrow.” Mackie said and everyone started to fan out.

—-

Eddy and Mark sat in silence for the rest of the night, and the morning was tense. They were both so nervous for their first NCAA game.

Eddy, however had made a plan with the social media team to leave a 94 jersey on a certain seat in the stands that night, for at least warmups. So, the boys got ready and leafy for pregame, Mark listened to some music that got him hyped, and he put his chain with her initials engraved on it for game day. His good luck charm we going to be with him tonight, extra. She bought that chain after their 11 month anniversary, after going to LA on vacation. He had little nerves about the game until they went to the tunnel. Seeing all of the fans there for warm up made him have flashbacks to the conversation he had with Y/n before he signed.

Stepping on to the ice, he felt good, getting all the nerves out. Looking at all of the sections in the stands, one by one. Almost like he was looking for a sign. Section 4, row 9 is where he saw the #94 jersey with the words L/N on the back, hanging on the front of the seat. His heart stopped, he smiled brighter than he had before, looking up to the roof for a quick second before whispering a “Hi baby.”

Time could never erase the hold that Y/n L/n had on Mark Estapa’s heart…. It was sad, beautiful and tragic.

—-

abbster’s taglist: @hockeyboysarehot @hockey-lover86 @hockey-lover-22 @bellaguarneri @owenpwr @pulpfixion @owenpowersglasses @boeswhore @jamiedryzdale @studsccsnackavoybambi @pierrelucduboiis @the-stars-shine-above-us @oskarlidblom @dylandukerr @bbrisson24 @calermakar08 @lwstuff @mattsboldyy @dracoswhore007

[hockey-lover86]

you did it again abbster! this hurt my heart but you wrote it so well and it was so good!

this is me trying - n.blankenburg

summary - being the best friend of nick blankenburg turned out to be one of the best things in her life, as she was going through one of the worst times.

type - fic, requested for the 300+ special (lower case intended) song lyrics will be in bold (you will know when you see them)

warnings - tw: talks of mental instability, su*cidal thoughts, depression. read with caution to these topics! </3 

being best friends with a captain of a ncaa hockey team was one of the craziest things that could ever happen to y/n l/n. she became best friends with nick blankenburg during the middle of freshman year, and were inseparable ever since. now they were seniors, and everything has changed. nicky was captain of the umich hockey team, and the pair of best friends became parents.. not parents to an actual child they had together, but a mom & dad duo to all of the team. it was mostly the sophomores and freshman, but it was still 15 manchildren to deal with. blanks had always been a leader, so it was no doubt in y/n’s mind that he would become captain. she loved the fact that he was there for the boys in any and all ways that he could be….. and kinda loved the fact that she got dragged along. blanks was secretly in love with the girl, and had no idea until it was quite literally, almost too late….. 

y/n had always struggled on the inside about image and mental health. but she never let anyone know, naturally. she was a girl, a woman who was one of the bubbliest, happiest people you could ever meet. her laughter was contagious, sense of humor was perfect, her kindness radiated through her words and actions. she was the perfect team mom, best friend, and student….. on the outside. but on the inside, she just wanted to break down and leave it all behind. she was having a hard time adjusting to some little changes in her world. graduation, nhl signings, leaving. not saying that y/n had attachment issues, but sometimes the anxiety and depressive aspects of those things made it hard for her to think straight. sometimes when she would be out with the boys, she would make a joke about something like that, forgetting in that split moment that they had no clue about her struggles. blanks had some idea about the anxiety and “what if I am not good enough” thoughts she had. they tried to talk it out a few times, but it would just end in an argument. blanks didn’t know how to help anymore. she was so closed off and he knew that what she had been putting on was a facade. this senior year has been so much for her, without the boys or hockey in the mix…… but on top of it all, was too much. y/n was ready to crack under the pressure, blanks was trying to be a good best friend and look for the warning signs…. but still couldn’t see them until it was too late. 

“y/n are you going to take a break soon?” blanks asked his best friend who was studying like a madman in his house. books and papers scattered everywhere. 

“I will once the boys are here— I just need a few more minutes.” y/n mumbled as she moved the papers out of his way. 

“you’re scaring me y/n/n…please put the papers down and cuddle. pleaseeeee.” nick pleaded to her, as he came up behind her and hugged her neck. He just wanted his best friend, the secret love of his life back. 

“okay okay, let me put my stuff away, nicky.” she told her best friend, as he laughed and helped her out her stuff away. they both cleaned off everything and then cuddled on the (brand new) couch in the living room. he played with her hair and they got into a conversation about life. 

“where are you going to go after graduation?” he asked the sleepy, burnt out girl who was cuddled into his side. 

“I don’t know blanks…. I can go anywhere I want.” she replied to him softly, as he rubbed her back. 

“would you say yes to a crazy idea involving you and I?” he asked her seriously, lifting the two of them up so he could face her. 

“I don’t know N, like what?” she laughed a little as he showed her an email conversation between him and a nhl team. 

“nicholas blankenburg so help me if you are lying—“ she told him sternly as he just smiled brightly at her. 

“I could be in the nhl, babes. I have almost made it….. and I want you to go with me. after you graduate of course, please please y/n.” nick told her, holding her hands as she kept looking down at the email and back to him. 

“why— why me? you’re about to go start a new chapter of your life, you don’t need me anymore. you need a girlfriend and a life not—“ y/n started to ramble until he cut her off, kissing her softly. 

she didn’t know how to react to it, but she kissed him back, deepening it gently. he grabbed on to her waist and pulled her into him softly. this kiss had been on his mind for so long, and he couldn’t believe it was working. she had thought that she wasn’t good enough for him in this way, and now she is kissing him? if cloud 9 was a real place, she’d be there right now. separating apart, the blushing pair were soon greeted by the front door opening and a pile of boys entering through. 

“I— I got to go blanks, we will talk about this later okay? roomie needs me again, you know?” she told him, trying to leave the growing room and his face went from a smile to a frown. 

“okay drive back home safe?” he said semi questionably as she walked out the door. 

he got a text message and quickly looked down at his phone…… and smiled again. 

y/n 💘 - see u later, that kiss….. blanks you’re making me fall for you I hope you know that lol 

he smiled and texted back a quick

nick🤍 - I’m glad you liked the kiss, because I hope that you know it won’t be the last between us if you let me….. :) 

his phone buzzed again with a text from her 

y/n 💘 - it won’t be ;) see you soon <3 

and then the boys started to ask about everything, and nick never checked his phone again, until the next night. 

—

y/n went back to her place, conflicted in her mind about her life. nick was leaving but now kissed her…… asked her to go with him, and now she is crying in the shower over her best friend. her life was already crumbling from the inside out. but that kiss….. everything was perfect about that kiss. she could feel his smile on his lips when she deepened it, and the way his hands felt so good on her waist. that moment was the only thing keeping the bad thoughts away. so she decided to drink some wine, listen to some tswift and fall asleep. 

—

the next morning came, and the thoughts that she was trying to avoid came with it. so that morning, she spent it journaling, drinking tea, relaxing, and trying to get the negative feelings and depressive thoughts out of her brain. but the thoughts wouldn't stop, the feelings of taking a little too much of her antidepressants to end the thoughts consumed her to the core. she didn't want to leave yet, but maybe she could…. she wouldn't be a burden to anyone, and she could leave her legacy as the bubbly girl she is.. was. the rainy day didn't help any, as it felt like the perfect breakdown day. shaking, she went to the bathroom and grabbed the pills.. and poured some into her hand. tears pooling in her eyes while doing so.. she popped the normal amount into her mouth, swallowing them quickly. then, as the shaking continued, she poured some more pills into her hand; but something changed when she poured them in her hand. 

the rain on the off weekend let the boys relax some before they had a series of weekends of important games. blanks invited all the boys over for a game day, playing chel, ping pong, snacking all day… just having a chill day. he had still not heard from y/n since last night, and he was getting worried. rain was one of her favorite things, and he knew that she’d love to be here with the boys hanging out. so as he was about to call her, she was calling him. Quickly, he told the boys around him to shut up. 

“y/n? are you there?” blanks asked as all he could hear was her breathing on the other line. “baby you have to use your words…. I can’t help you unless I know what is wrong.” he asked softly as he started to look around at the group who were trying to get his attention. putting the phone away from his mouth he whispered a “get the car ready” to bords, who sprinted to blanks’ car. 

“I-- I have to see you Nicky-- I am-- sorry. I can’t do this anymore.” she told him as the pill bottle dropped to the floor in the background, causing nick’s face to drop. 

“no-- y/n please stay on the line. you can’t leave yet, I-- we have to leave soon.. remember? just hold on I am coming over.” he told her as all he heard back was footsteps and rain. 

“I gotta go--” she said quickly and hung up, causing nick to throw his phone across the room as bords came back inside. 

“capt? what’s wrong?” kent asked as he approached the frustrated boy. 

“I-- I don't know what to do. I need to go after her--” nick said as he tried to sprint out the door. bords stops him quickly, and owen guards the door. 

“blanks! the rain is too much right now, you gotta wait it out!” bords told him, as brendan backed him up.

“she’s going to be okay for a few more minutes--” brendan said trying to reason with the anger ridden captain in front of him. 

“no-- you don’t understand how she was, it was a cry for help--- let me go.” blanks told the group of boys angrily as he tried to make his way through. the boys went into chaos, arguing over if they would let blanks go or not….. but 

a knock on the front door startled them. owen heard it first as he was guarding the door, he opened it to reveal a drenched, tear stained, y/n l/n. blanks’ body almost dropped to the floor when he saw the girl he loved looking in such a state. she was shivering, crying, and just broken. the boys couldn't even move until blanks made his way through the sea of boys to bring her into the house. blanks hugged her so tight, and all that mattered is that she was physically alive in front of him.

“now i’m here in your doorway-- I just didn't know if you cared that I came back.” she told him softly into his shoulder.

the boys gave her some towels and hot cocoa as they all sat around the couch, making sure that she was okay. blanks tried to kick them into another room so that y/n could have some space, but she needed the boys there. after getting some cocoa in and warmth in her system, she decided to tell the boys about everything. the backstory behind her depression, the anxiety attacks, the thoughts, and even about the attempt she had on herself not even an hour ago. getting it off her chest helped, but it didn't hurt any less. blanks was almost about to cry over the whole thing because he couldn’t be there to help, and y/n felt awful about it. the boys didn’t say a word, just sat and listened to their girl talk about the internal struggles she had / have been having. they felt awful, and as best friends and brothers, they felt that they have missed the warning signs……

—

now, after a good talk with the guys about her struggles, she could finally talk to blanks, alone in his room. 

“why didn’t you tell me? I wanted-- I am here for you for everything. I feel so bad that I let you down.” he told her as they sat down on his bed. 

“I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry-- I love you too much for you to do that to yourself.” she sighed as she grabbed on to his bicep to hold on to. 

“you love me?” he asked her softly, looking down at her. 

“always nicky, you're my person…. I hope you understand if we continue our talk and feelings from last night-- I am a broken person. I have too many prob--” y/n was then cut off by nick kissing her softly. the butterflies came back and the memory from last night's sweet kiss came back like a flashback in a film reel. 

“you will never be too broken for love y/n, let me love you. this is me trying to show you that you are going to have me there, always.” he told her, hugging her. 

“can I talk more about my anxiety and………..” she started to rant about how everything was crumbling around her, getting it off her chest. what she didn’t notice is the boy staring back at her, taking every word into his mind, making mental notes on how to help and love her… 

this was her trying, she was trying; she was trying for him. the boy who loved her and the man who she wanted to love for the rest of her life if she could, her best friend, her nick.

—

abbster’s taglist: @hockeyboysarehot @hockey-lover86 @hockey-lover-22 @bellaguarneri @owenpwr @studsccsnackavoybambi @boeswhore @jamiedryzdale @mattsboldyy @owenpowersglasses @pierrelucduboiis @oskarlidblom @dylandukerr @calermakar08 @the-stars-shine-above-us @pulpfixion @thedukes-56-5 @lwstuff @juliasahoshughes @dracoswhore007