#067. ❛ my childhood spat back out the monster that you see. ❜ — ( main verse. )

[iceablaze]

  Shouto’s heartbeat stutters as he shakes, so torn between running and staying, because, well, Izuku’s right. he’s not okay and he can’t even keep pretending to be because Izuku knows he’s not. before anything can even attempt to run across his mind, Izuku tugs his mask down and moves forward. the small movement makes Shouto flinch in anticipation of a hit he logically knows won’t come. 

  I am your friend.

      (  how can he still consider you that? horrible, selfish child.  )

  part of Shouto wants to argue that he is just as capable as Izuku, just as able to handle a jailbreaker, but his lukewarm core temperature betrays him. even if he could attempt to use his quirk in a fighting capacity, he is too exhausted and malnourished; the little energy he can muster with his quirk is keeping him at an alright temperature, so he can’t even guarantee he’d be able to cool or heat himself after a fight.

  anxiety rattles around in his chest but he nods, hands gripping around the two items Izuku bestows upon him. he lets out a shuddered breath and turns on heel, obeying Izuku’s instructions as best he can. nowhere is safe, no, but he allows his feet to take him until he can’t quite feel the tremble of the earthquakes. close, but not close enough to interfere.

  slumping against a wall, he lets himself slide to the ground and relax for a moment before inspecting the boxes Izuku had handed him — a first aid kit, which he surely knows Izuku won’t mind him dipping into, and a bento full of food even he can tell is warm. unsurety peaks in his brain, so he crosses his legs and settles the bento on his left and first aid kit on his right. the bento will stay warm from raising his temperature however much he can until Izuku can come to eat, and in the meantime he rifles through the first aid kit to patch up his rougher wounds.

"You are not fine." It was a fact, that Izuku was unfortunately forced to state out loud. Neither of them was fine, because they were teenagers who belonged in school, but instead were out in the ruined civilization, caught in a war.

At least with Izuku, it was a personal choice.

"Todoroki-kun, I-" A subtle jab at the back of his head swiftly shut down his train of thought. Izuku whipped around, eyes narrowing as he tugged the mask back over his face.

"It's a jailbreaker. You should get somewhere safe," Izuku said, as the ground began shaking underneath them. It was not a regular earthquake, and their time was limited. "I'll come to find you after, Todoroki-kun, and I promise I won't call anyone." He still had so many questions, but all of them could wait. Izuku pulled off his backpack and shoved both his first aid kit and still-warm bento into Shouto's hands. He had received homemade lunch from All Might a while ago, and Shouto looked like he could use it more. "Please don't hide from me. I am your friend."

[iceablaze-blog]

@explosiveheroics​ liked for a starter

          the  underworld  has  not  been  kind.  he  never  thought  for  a  moment  that  it  would  be,  but  he  found  himself  always  on  edge,  always  ready  to  take  off  at  a  moment’s  notice.  apparently,  that  turned  out  to  be  pretty  good  in  the  staying  alive  department,  because  he  was  really  out  of  his  league  tonight.  huffing,  he  jumps  down  from  over  the  fence,  dropping  and  pausing  for  only  a  moment  before  he  takes  off  again.

          he’s  not  the  fastest  but  that  really  didn’t  mean  much  if  he  could  outsmart  the  runner  after  him.  taking  a  sharp  turn,  he  knows  he’s  lost  them,  but  what  he’s  found  instead  is  a  whole  new  problem.

          one  he  slams  right  into,  toppling  himself  and  rolling  a  few  feet  away  by  pure  momentum.  he’s  back  on  his  feet  in  an  instant,  pushing  red  bangs  from  his  face,  hood  askew.  

          ❝  damn,  you  okay?  ❞  he  asks  with  shuddering  breaths,  too  pumped  on  adrenaline  to  really  care  about  who  he  just  trampled  or  if  he  was  sufficiently  covered.

[iceablaze]

Entry 07/XX/XX

Todoroki came to his second appointment, which is more than I expected. He was not late nor early, but seemed to appear nearly the second I looked for him. He’s quiet, and it seems to be a very common trait of him.

I try the casual approach again. Slowly, I learn his favorite things. The color green. Soba. Reading. He likes to paint and do things with his hands. He seems to have taken quite the liking to the wood pattern of his chair.

I ask him if he has any favorite childhood memories. He freezes. There’s no answer, but I know I’ve touched on something. His childhood must be a sensitive topic — that can come later. I ask him instead what his favorite memories with his siblings are. Hesitation, again. If not for my hearing, I wonder if I would’ve missed his words. “I don’t know them very well.”

It’s an odd choice of words and intriguing all the same. He doesn’t know his siblings very well? They must’ve grown up together. Does he mean they’re no longer close? When I ask, he tells me that he didn’t always get to see them. I prompt him, but he only says that they didn’t get much time together growing up.

There’s something about Todoroki hesitating about his childhood that makes my gut twist. Nezu had told me that he wanted an evaluation on each of the UA students involved with the incident with the Hero Killer Stain. The others knew why they were here and got to the point rather quickly, but Todoroki seems not to know why he’s here.

Despite my better judgement, I ask Todoroki if he has any fond memories of his father. That seems to only anger him, and he tells me just as much. I don’t recall his exact words, but I do believe they were along the lines of “I don’t care about that bastard.”

I figure it’s not a good idea to ask about his mother. The session is over. Todoroki doesn’t seem to care when I request to see him again.

I’m going to speak with his homeroom teacher tomorrow.

[iceablaze]

@merrysband​ 

"Shochan, are you ok? Are you sick? I can make you some tea!"

          ❝  somebody’s talking about me.  ❞

[iceablaze]

  somehow, Shouto’s kicking himself for — well, being so obvious that someone he can barely remember the name of can recognize him the moment he steps into a cafe. he figures it’s the hair, obviously, but he can’t deny that there’s little that can cover up as much facial scarring as he has without looking terribly suspicious. though his scarf helped, well, that scar over his eye was pretty recognizable.

  ❝  I...  ❞  the confusion is clear on his face; he’d spent so long thinking that if he got caught, that was it, game over. yet here is Jirou, of which he’s somewhat positive is her name, offering to just chat with him, no parade or call to the police. it’s nice.

  ❝  I suppose I have time.  ❞  because how long had it been since he’d held a conversation with another person? too long, enough that he knows he is terribly, terribly lonely. some sort of deep melancholy weighs him down as he’s forced to address the earlier mention of one of their friends.  ❝  does...she have a favorite you can recommend?  ❞

@iceablaze​  ||  continued from  💜.

An observant gaze lingered over his appearance, a brow raised in thought. If he had been trying to stay lowkey he had been doing a great job of it. Had it not been for the strands of hair poking out of his beanie suspicions over his identity wouldn’t of arised. Her earjack retracted back as hands found their spot in her jacket’s pockets. Despite being dead he looked good, not that she’d say that outloud. A hum to begin her response, bringing her back to the cafe. 

❝ This is a new spot for me so I can’t say i’ve tried much. But Yaomomo told me their herbal tea blends are stellar. ❞ An earjack pointed at the herbal side of the menu board. Who knew a day out & away from school would turn out so odd. 

❝ If you were wondering, no. Nobody else is here with me. And I don’t have a big mouth about things that aren’t my business, so, we’re cool. If you’re not rushing off though did you want to chat? ❞

[iceablaze-blog]

A HEADCANON ABOUT:  friends.

Shouto has never had much luck with friendship, whether making or maintaining friends. this is mostly due to the fact that he was homeschooled until he attended UA, so he missed his most important years of development with other children. his limited contact with his siblings built the basis for how he would come to socialize up until the present.

that’s why, for the most part, Shouto is and will always be a sort of a loner. even after befriending those in his class, he enjoys his solitude and time on his own. he could be described as an introvert, as he cares little for going out and doing things and can only take small bits of socialization before he needs to recharge.

despite his cool demeanor, Shouto is fiercely loyal. those he’s brought close enough to his heart to call his friends already know that he wouldn’t hesitate to do anything for them. whether it’s staying up late to study or facing off against villains for them, Shouto’s friends can rest assured that he is always ready to defend them.

this isn’t a quality that magically disappears once he runs away in his main verse. he loves and cares for his friends, but he’s blinded by insecurity and doubt to how much they care for him. that’s why he can justify leaving, often remarking that they will simply “forget him and move on.”

this is because while they have such a monumental impact on every aspect of Shouto’s life, he does not feel like he impacts their lives at all, and thinks himself easily replaceable.

loyalty doesn’t die due to insecurities, however, and if his friends were in need of help, he would gladly expose himself  (  knowing that the result would be going back to his life before, which terrifies him  )  in order to help them. this is, of course, a heroic trait that isn’t singular to his friends, as he would blow his cover to help anyone in mortal peril. but with his friends, it is done not out of a sense of obligation, but out of love and loyalty. no amount of reassurance would stop him from helping a friend, because they are sometimes all he thinks he has.

they say Todorokis are immensely stubborn, and in some ways that’s a blessing.

[iceablaze-blog]

@animabenevolus​ liked for a starter

          it’d been a little bit since Shouto had agreed to stay with Natsuo. it was warmer than the streets, and Natsuo was the one person in their family that he could trust in this time. that was ironic, considering he and Natsuo knew nothing about each other, and he has only the barest fragments of childhood memories involving his brother.

          the thought nags on him. he doesn’t know Natsuo, yet crashes at his apartment simply because they’re family.

          it’s not like he’s mooching. he tries his best to make himself small, stay out of Natsuo’s way, and he does his best to earn money because he’s pretty sure that Natsuo doesn’t accept their father’s help, monetary or not. he wonders if Natsuo realizes that Shouto keeps slipping crumpled bills in his wallet, earned through means that he’d never say.

          it bothers him.

          ❝  Natsu-nii,  ❞  he says, and he’s adopted this specific way of addressing Natsuo because it feels familiar, feels like they actually have some sort of relationship.  ❝  what’s your favorite color?  ❞

[iceablaze-blog]

@merakiroas​  /  unprompted ask.

"Todoroki?" finding his missing classmate was the last thing he expected to happen. He approached, not quite believing it yet. "... You don't look so good" - Tokoyami

          his breath’s coming out in pants, body slumped back against a wall. he was hot, moreso than he’d felt in a long time, and trying to cool himself wasn’t working. he wasn’t near heat stroke, he could tell, but something else was wrong. he hears his own name echoing in his ears and it’s the only thing that makes him look up, blinking several times in confusion.

          ❝  Tokoyami?  ❞  he asks, as if he almost doesn’t even believe it. his vision’s blurring a bit, but he recognizes the voice easily enough.

[iceablaze-blog]

@shinyoi​ liked for a starter forever ago wtf I’m sorry Remy

          one thing Shouto didn’t expect, first all, after taking a sip of his overcomplicated coffee and tucked into the back corner of a hole-in-the-wall coffee shop, was to run into another UA student. panic doesn’t even start to immediately rise in his chest; he can’t remember the kid’s name, just knows he fought in the Sports Festival against Midoriya.

          ❝  are you going to keep staring?  ❞  he snaps before he can help himself, pulling his hood down and back into place, glaring over his coffee.

[iceablaze-blog]

@animabenevolus​ since I’m on a roll with angst

          he  knows,  deep  down,  this  is  a  terrible  idea.  his  family  is  the  worst  possible  option  when  it  comes  to  who  he  should  go  to  in  order  to  help,  but  he  is  bleeding  so  profusely  that  his  next  option  is  a  hospital  that  will  hand  deliver  him  straight  to  his  father.  it’s  by  sheer  luck  that  he  is  near,  and  Shouto’s  chest  rattles  with  every  breath  as  he  plans  how  the  hell  he’s  going  to  explain  himself.

          he’s  got  nothing  still,  he  realizes,  as  he  raises  a  bloodied  hand  and  knocks  three  times,  rapid  as  his  breathing.  he  is  shaking,  his  whole  body  trembling.  he  wants  to  apologize  already,  plead  for  forgiveness  for  being  the  worst  kind  of  brother  possible,  to  ask  Natsuo  before  he’s  even  answered  the  door  to  please  forgive  him,  he’s  sorry,  he’s  sorry  that  he’s  such  a  burden.

          but  he  can’t,  not  yet,  and  so  he  waits  with  bated  breath,  pressing  his  jacket  a  little  tighter  against  the  wound.

                    (  please,  I’ll  never  ask  you  for  anything  else.  just  answer  the  door.  )

[iceablaze]

tag drop: verses.

[iceablaze-blog]

@punkedhero​  /  unprompted ask.

"Hey, are you ready to go?" There was a soft knock on his dorm room, the petite leaning into the doorframe. Onyx gaze stayed downcast in the event she was intruding. "That is if you're not already trying to chicken out of the piercing." A teasing tone laced her words with a smile.

          they’d agreed to go together because  —  well, he actually wasn’t sure why. it wasn’t like he and Jirou were friends, and he hadn’t exactly ever had an in depth conversation with her either, but he had offhandedly mentioned he wanted to pierce his tongue, and now here they were. or would be, if she would let him get his shoes on, his fingers stilling around the laces as he blinks up at her.

          ❝  I don’t think I’ve ever given you a reason to think I’m a chicken,  ❞  Shouto says, eternally glad he’d gone through the embarrassment once already with that particular sort of phrase and wouldn’t need to repeat his dumb experience, and knots up the laces of his sneakers.  ❝  in my opinion, I think I’ve given you plenty of reasons to know I’m serious about this particular thing.  ❞

[iceablaze-blog]

@explosiveheroics​ sent,  Talk about Midoriya? anonymous sent,  talk about deku !!

          ❝  Midoriya  is...  ❞

          it’s  hard  to  come  up  with  the  words  to  describe  Midoriya.  it’s  hard  to  put  all  of  the  things  that  come  to  mind  in  words,  in  a  phrase  that  makes  any  sort  of  sense  or  means  as  much  as  Midoriya  does.

          ❝  Midoriya  is  like  a  star.  ❞  if  that  makes  sense.  Midoriya  is  something  he  thinks  of  when  he  looks  at  the  sky  and  wishes  he  were  home.  ❝  he  is  bright  and  he  sparkles,  and  he  lights  up  the  room  the  way  a  star  does  the  sky.  he’s  brilliant  and  caring,  and  he  feels  things  so,  so  deeply.  ❞

          ❝  Midoriya  is...  ❞  so  many  things  and  feelings  that  he  cannot  put  into  words,  into  phrases.  ❝  he  is  strong  and  intelligent  and  he  never  knows  when  to  quit.  sometimes  it’s  good,  sometimes  it’s  not,  but  he  never  lets  that  stop  him.  he  never  just  leaves  someone  behind,  because  he  sees  good  in  everyone,  even  the  tiniest  sliver.  he  wants  to  save  everyone,  and  he  hasn’t  learned  yet  that  he  can’t.  Midoriya  is  infuriating  and  stubborn  and  rash  and  invigorating—  ❞

          ❝  and  he’s  wonderful.  ❞

          (  and  he  means  so  much  more  to  me  than  I  can  ever  say.  )

[iceablaze-blog]

@vespyren​ sent,  ❝ In the end, it doesn’t even matter.❞ 

          ❝  don’t  start  this  again.  ❞

          Shouto’s  tone  is  icy  and  emotions  kept  carefully  off  his  face;  he  knows  this  downward  spiral  like  his  own  breathing,  like  the  texture  of  the  scars  that  litter  his  body.  he  knows,  he  knows,  and  he  knows  her.  she  knows  him.  but  he  knows  more  than  logic,  the  crippling  self  doubt  and  self  pity  is  a  worthy  foe,  one  that  is  not  so  easily  pushed  away.

          doesn’t  he  know  that  himself  best  of  all?

          mismatched  eyes  flicker  up,  locking  on  her  face  before  he  stands,  leaving  the  comfort  of  itchy  motel  couch  to  stand  in  front  of  her.  she  is  tiny,  moreso  than  when  they  first  met.  he  has  grown,  but  she  hasn’t,  and  he  swears  right  now  she  sits  a  full  foot  shorter  than  him.

          ❝  in  the  end,  we  will  stop  all  of  this.  so  it  does  matter.  ❞

[iceablaze-blog]

          ❝  if  you’re  trying  to  take  that  line,  you  just  missed  the  last  train,  ❞  Shouto  muses  from  under  the  hood,  barely  able  to  see  the  other  person  with  how  big  the  hood  was,  the  rim  of  it  falling  into  his  eyes.  how  annoying.

[iceablaze-blog]

@eldabilo​ sent,  Shouto gets a staple for his birthday.

          is this...is this a threat? is Dabi threatening him? is he going to need a medical grade staple in the near future? or is it just some psychopath giving him things? Shouto may never know but if the point was to make him nervous, consider the point made.

          ❝  what the fuck.  ❞