#.i like their romance as a short lived bout of emotional confusion while they work other things out. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lxnababy · 2 months ago

Text

TOUJOURS

COMMITMENT LOST CHAPTER TWO: TOUJOURS

part one

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

wc: 6.2k

Ariana is sad.

Well, that's a given. There is always a melancholy cloud that seems to follow behind her since she was a child, shrinking some years and puffing up others. It's a common occurrence for her to spend a day or two a month holed up in her room, surrounded by giant blankets and overstuffed pillows, reading a romance novel with tears streaming down her face.

By the end of the book, when the main characters get a happy sappy ever after, she shuts the book and lies on her bed, staring at the ceiling until the hours turn into a whole night. She calls it her version of Rest and Relaxation, but she knows it is probably a psychological problem she needs to evaluate much deeper.

But recently, the cloud of melancholy has grown so much it envelops her. She trudges to work, trudges to classes, hands in assignments late, and stares numbly out her old window to the beautiful view of the city. It doesn't seem to have the same spark as it did before; like she finally sees what every depressed, corporate New Yorker sees.

Today, on a particularly cold and rainy Sunday, she is on her old couch, curled up with a blanket as she cries. What she is crying for, she doesn't know.

She could be mourning the loss of Hannah, who hasn't returned any of her text messages since the event over a week ago. She could be upset by the unexpected absence of Harry—after all, she thought men like him enjoyed a good chase. She could be homesick, despite not traveling back to France for almost two years.

She can't figure out what has her so down until she finally understands. Everything. Everything has her upset and overwhelmed.

Knowing she has to wake up each morning with her heart full of unrequited love, aching heavily in her chest and weighing her down. Knowing she cares too deeply for the man across from her on the subway who seems to live there, his arms crossed as he tries (and fails) to get comfortable for a fitful bout of sleep. Knowing she has never felt the same amount of love she gives to others. No one ever thinks about how her day must have been as they lay awake at night, no one picks up a magazine off the stand at a convenience store simply because it reminds them of her.

But complaining about being too caring doesn't feel right. So she doesn't tell Niall, despite his prodding at her upset resting face at brunch the morning before.

"Ari," he pokes her with his fork. "You know you can tell me anything. I won't tell Hannah or Harry or anyone. It can just sit in my brain like a hen sitting on an egg."

Ariana remembers she shakes her head and laughs, then. "Your brain works in mysterious ways, Ni," she deflects his previous comment.

She could've told Niall her woes; in fact, she's unsure why she didn't. He wouldn't have judged her, she knew that. She's spent a fair amount of nights crying in Hannah and Niall's arms after getting ghosted by a man she swore was different—or the time her family canceled her flight home, explaining they needed the money to focus on the kids. The kids were the children her parents had together after she moved across the country.

Nevertheless, it has come to her attention that she is too emotional. From now on, she dedicates one woeful day to just herself, and the other six are complete with cheery smiles and bright eyes.

A loud, unwelcome knock on her apartment door, though, disrupts her misery.

It is sharp and short, though it repeats itself when she doesn't get up promptly. She curses to herself, blinking tears from her eyes and scrubbing her red cheeks as she makes her way to the front door.

Whipping it open blindly, she is met with sleek, black boots. Her head snaps up in confusion, her eyebrows furrowing when she sees who is at her front door, her hair slightly drooping and wet from the rain, white dress shirt sticking to a tattoo-clad figure.

"Sorry for no notice. Just figured I haven't seen you in a while and you weren't at BAR last night."

BAR, conveniently named, happens to be the club she keeps bumping into him at. BAR is the place she rightfully avoids now, knowing Hannah is probably occupying a table.

"So you... came to my house?" Ariana squints up at him, noticing his eyes already searching hers. His brows begin to furrow as she guesses he realizes she's been crying. "Well, I'm alive. Thanks for the wellness check, Harry." She figures a harsh bite of humor will hopefully stop Harry from whatever pity-filled question he would ask in regards to her crying. She leans against her door frame, suddenly aware of how little she is wearing.

Her sleep shorts consisted of women's boxers—a heather gray cotton fabric that could barely be classified as shorts, and her hoodie had the neckline cut off, exposing her braless shoulder. Her hair is woven into a thick braid that falls down her back, her bare face beginning to swell from the hours of drowning in her misery.

"Barely, it looks like," he cracks a smile. "Mind if I come in? I brought party favors," he holds up a bottle of red wine she hadn't noticed he was holding until now, the glass clinking against his heavy rings.

Ariana tilts her head, intrigued. "Why?"

Harry rocks back and forth on his feet. "Because a pretty girl like you shouldn't be upset on God's rest day. It's supposed to be a day of recharging," he explains, scratching the back of his head. It appears Harry has a very dry sense of humor; the kind where she can't tell if he is making a joke or being dead serious.

Ariana knows she shouldn't invite him in. She knows their priorities are different, knows she will read into every word he says and fully believe it. And Harry, well, is a flirt. A massive, beautiful flirt who probably has used that line on many women before her, and will on many women after her.

But she steps aside. "Only because red wine's my favorite," she justifies.

A half hour later, she is sitting across from him at her shitty dinner table, pouring both of them a third glass of wine while babbling about nothing of importance. When did you move to New York? Do you like it here?

"Why'd you come here? I'm sure you have better things to be doing on a Sunday," Ariana crosses her arms, challenging him. Her vision starts to blur and there seem to be two Harry's if she squints just enough, but the buzz of the wine seems to calm her emotions perfectly. Perfectly enough to begin questioning the odd, mysterious man in front of her.

Harry only matches her stature, leaning back in the rickety wooden chair. "Why were you crying? I'm sure you have better things to be doing on a Sunday," he provokes.

Ariana's fingers tighten on her wine glass. Her breath catches in her throat.

"Parce que, Harry, I think I've won the lottery of shittiest luck." She answers vaguely. "And I think I'm prettiest after I cry. It's my way of relaxing,"

Harry can't help the smile that floats over his face. He wouldn't have even noticed the change of expression if it wasn't for the ache his muscles felt; he doesn't smile genuinely often. It is an odd reaction to such a miserable confession, but it is her confession. She told him something that wasn't common knowledge. That is, after all, what he was trying to get her to do all night—tell him something she wants to say, not pleasantries or boring, overused questions.

"I will say you look beautiful bare-faced. Brings out your eyes," he compliments. "How many more wine do we have?" He stutters through the question after downing the last of his glass and shakily putting it down on the table.

"Many?" Ariana begins to laugh at his horrid grammar.

Harry simply grumbles, waving off his mistake with incoherent mumblings. "I think I have a rosé somewhere—"

"The piss of wines," Harry interrupts boldly, staring at her with a deadpan look.

Ariana gasps dramatically at his statement. "How dare you! It's pink!" She narrows her eyes. "Rosé is joyful. Do you hate joy, Harry?"

Harry scoffs. "Yes, I'm the Big Bad Wolf. I hate joy and also rosé. And this fucking chair—I mean, give my tailbone a break." He shifts uncomfortably in his seat, making Ariana giggle softly.

Maybe it is the fact Harry seems to have bought a forty-proof bottle of wine, or the fact she hasn't eaten all day, or the fact she just downed her third glass in a half hour, or the fact they finished the bottle, but Ariana is drunk.

"Well, let's move to the couch, Mr. Big Bad Wolf." She hops up, skipping over to tug on his arm annoyingly so he'd follow her to the overstuffed, very soft couch she bought from a thrift store two years ago.

Somehow, she ends up in his arms. His bicep is hooked over her neck loosely, her chin pressed against the muscle and her head resting in his armpit as she lays in one direction and he lays perpendicular to her, trapping her against him. It's not like she wasn't expecting it—their conversations felt like extended foreplay with how much sexual tension sizzled between them—but she was delightfully surprised at how gentle and slow he was being. How caring he is, for talking to her without trying to use her.

She looks up at him, craning her neck to see his bloodshot eyes. "Wanna know a secret?" Ariana asks, her smile disappearing and the playful tone falling off her words beginning to slow.

"Toujours," [Always] Harry replies.

"I've never been in a relationship. But they seem fun, I think I'd have fun in a relationship." Ariana speaks the last bit to herself, furrowing her brow at the indication she might be oversharing with a man she had promised not to get involved with. It slips out before her brain can stop the message, but it sounds pathetic to be telling a man who she just met how lonely she is.

Harry, with the hand that was tucked behind his head as he lounges on the couch, brings it up to brush the stray, feathery bangs of her chestnut hair away from her face delicately. "That's funny," he says after a minute.

Ariana scoffs, sitting up and turning to face him. "Why? Am I not meant for one?" She sounds hurt like the wine had stripped all of her comebacks and left her defenseless against Harry's wrath.

Harry shakes his head, the bottle of rosé he swore he wouldn't drink sitting tucked under his other armpit, almost empty. "You're meant for one. I'm pretty sure any guy in the entirety of New York would kill for a chance with you. I just think it's funny you want one so badly," he explains, never getting up from his lounging spot even if she was now towering over him.

Ariana squints, disregarding his compliments. "What do you have against relationships, Harry? It's cuddling and talking and sharing families and getting a cat—"

"If you think that's what a relationship is, I hate to break your bubble, but it's ninety percent arguing and ten percent crying." He interrupts. "I'm just not a relationship person. I can't handle... being dependent and constantly worrying about them and getting attached." He looks away from her, his hands squeezing the neck of the bottle as they fall into silence for a few moments. "But if you want a relationship, Ari, I'll help you find the best relationship out there."

She climbs closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder now and melting her body into his side. "We're very different people, Harry," she sighs into his neck, the sound reverberating off the walls of Harry's brain as he holds onto her tighter. "Why have a heart if you won't use it?" The question is vague. She wants to say, humans are supposed to love, but that sounds corny. She wants to convince Harry that relationships should hurt and that sitting in the numb feeling of loneliness created by none other than yourself is much worse than a few tears and rocky weeks with someone you love.

Harry looks down at her—she knows he wants her to meet his gaze, but she can't. She's hurt, hurt someone could feel this way about something so magical. "I think you know that answer," his voice is low like they were sharing a secret.

Her breath hitches. Harry Styles is scared.

She finally looks up at him. "We don't have to use our hearts, then. I'm willing to settle," his hand slides to her hips, the tension in the room filling her ears with fluid and making everything hard to hear. She chews on her lip; she wants to taste his, even if she knows nothing will ever come of it. And she knows he wants that too, with the predatory looks he's been giving her all night, the soft touches that turned into pure electricity.

Harry squeezes the plushy part of the skin sitting over her hip bone. "You're too sweet for this, Ariana,"

"No, I'm not, and you can't hurt me, Harry. We're so different, and I want this. Especially because you're..." she trails off, her eyes flicking to his lips as their heads draw closer together. She doesn't feel herself moving, she simply is. Or is Harry getting closer? She can't tell, but she doesn't care.

He smirks. "Finish the sentence," she shakes her head stubbornly. "Finish the sentence or I'll make you finish the sentence."

Ariana's heart drops and her cheeks flush, heat filling her belly as the leg thrown over his tightened against his. "Especially because you're a sculpture that should be in the Louvre. You're so handsome it almost hurts to look at you, and that's not my type. I like ugly guys," she cracks a joke, trying to ease the rocky ocean water settling between her thighs.

Harry pushed her gently onto her back as he opened her legs to climb inside. "Ariana, you're a putain d'ange [fucking angel]. You're just so you, I've never met anyone like you." He is mumbling, and she knows the sentence isn't meant for her, even though it is addressed to her. He is speaking quietly, eyes roaming her body like one would drink in a beautiful piece of art.

She reaches her head up to kiss him; she's never wanted something so bad. Her mouth feels chapped, her body on fire and the only cure is Harry's soft, wine-sodden lips on hers. But he moves back ever so slightly. "Let me show you?"

It comes out as a question, and Harry isn't sure why he said it. Let me show you the good parts of a relationship, is his full sentence. Let me show you what those other boys can't.

Ariana nods eagerly, though pauses. "I don't want to... do everything," she frowns, bracing herself for an explosion. It usually came from one-night stands who realized they wouldn't get lucky. "I'm sorry," she adds quickly.

Harry frowns. "Don't apologize. I could go home right now and still be over the fucking moon." His hand drops from her hip, a smile cracking onto her face almost like he is reassuring her it's okay to speak up for what she wants. He backs up a bit, thinking Ariana is a bit overwhelmed by how close they are.

But she just puts his hand back, shaking her head. "I wanna do some things," she shows him a teasing grin. "With you, specifically. Obviously,"

Harry laughs, cutting himself off by dipping down to kiss her. Their lips move feverishly, their mouths tasting of wine. It is sloppy and quick, forcing Ariana to arch her back into him, her hips involuntarily rutting against his.

After a few minutes of heavy, hot kissing, she figures something out: Harry isn't going to make the first move. He took her wariness as a sign and stayed in her comfort zone. His hands are on her hips, cemented in place, his lips never straying far from hers. So she squeezes her leg around him tighter, half-heartedly grinding against him. No real pleasure comes from that action; it is more of a way to initiate Harry, but he understands.

He grips her hip hard, forcing her against the couch as he starts to grind against the sweet spot in between her thighs. She gasps at the action, her hands going straight to his hair and tugging on the curls as he drops his mouth open and backs up slightly to look at her. When they glimpse at each other, they both unravel the slightest bit more.

His eyes are bloodshot and pleading, hers submissive and filled with want. Her cheeks are flushed, her eyebrows furrowed. He has to look away; it is like looking at the sun. She is so, so beautiful.

"Please let me taste you,"

His voice is raspy and broken, his lips wet with their saliva as he rutted against her for the minimal release it gives the tension tight in his belly.

Ariana nods. "I've never—no one's ever," she stumbles over her words.

Harry shakes his head in disbelief. "You fucked pussies, Ari. Let me show you," the phrase fell from his lips again, almost unwarranted. Let me show you real pleasure. Let me show you how you're supposed to be treated.

Ariana starts to giggle, the sound bouncing around his ribs. "I know. It's a little embarrassing to admit—" She cuts herself off with a high-pitched gasp once she feels his fingers pluck at the hem of her shorts, his eyes trained on hers.

"Is this okay?" He is itching to rip them off, itching to see her tiny cotton boxers in tatters on the floor, a reminder for her once he left of how good he made her feel. How responsive she is. How he notices every goosebump on her skin, every hitch in her breath.

She nods.

When he pulls her boxers down, her hand flies to the one resting on her hip. She laces their fingers together, nervous about how literally naked she is in front of him. He simply let her take his hand, not phased by her nerves.

"Si beau," [So beautiful] he mutters, eyes trained on the apex of her thighs, mouth watering. "You're so beautiful, Ariana." He then raises his eyes to hers, like he wants her to believe it.

She turns red. He simply repeats the sentence.

And then he dives between her thighs, ravishing her. Her head is thrown back, her fingers squeezing his. She tries to lock her legs around his head, the nudging of his tongue becoming overwhelming, but Harry simply pushes them back open with his elbows, eyes closed as he eats her out like he is starving.

She is whining and gasping, a coil in her belly appearing. "Harry, I can't—no one else has ever made me—please, H, ne t'arrête pas." [don't stop] She is babbling, her eyes shutting hard as he digs into her deeper.

When she releases, she swears she touched a star. Her eyes roll back, her fingers grip his hair so tight she is afraid she is hurting him, her legs tensing. He just moans into her, lapping all of her up until she is shaking from oversensitivity and pushing him away.

Only then does he climb up her body, kissing her with her release on his tongue, much gentler than he was before. Only then does he rub circles on her outer thigh, shushing her with soothing French nonsense.

"See? Now you'll never go back to those boys. You've graduated from my masterclass, mademoiselle." [missy] He teases, pushing her hair from her face.

Ariana rolls her eyes, pushing herself to sit up. "I think my legs are jelly," she frowns, trying to lean over and grab her boxers, but failing.

Harry retrieves them for her, even sliding them up her legs and over her stomach. "You really are beautiful, Ari. I didn't just say that in the heat of the moment,"

Her stomach flips. But you don't want a relationship, she reminds herself. You're just a flirt. But flirt or not, she can't get enough of him.

"Well, I really do think you should be in the Louvre," she smiles when he leans down to give her another kiss.

—

Ariana nudges at her eggs, stealthily checking her phone. 10:18 AM. She has an hour and twelve minutes until her class starts, but she knows Hannah will drink up her time greedily.

"—But Kian kept telling me my hair looked brown, and it was pissing me off! Like, as the best-rated hair stylist in the upper west side, he should know not to insult an ashy blonde like that." Hannah rants, throwing her arms up in annoyance as her barely touched avocado toast sits diagonal to her cappuccino.

They decided to talk things out.

Well, Ariana decided to. After Harry left last night (only after Ariana made him promise to get an Uber and collect his car the next morning), she decided to text Hannah. She knows Harry won't be long-term, she knows it will end up in flames, so she needs something constant. Even if the constant is Hannah's complaining and Ariana's internal eye rolls.

Now they are back to normal. "I don't think he was trying to be rude, though," Ariana counters, her mind wandering as she refutes Hannah's statement.

Maybe she should lie, and say her class starts early. Maybe she should cuss Hannah out in French again—it seemed to work the first time. Or maybe, the most likely option, she should sit in silence, trying to parcel out her relationships with dissatisfaction lingering in her mind. Dissatisfaction that she clings onto Hannah, or pretends to be loose and spontaneous with Harry.

Just be malleable, she reminds herself. People like being close to their reflections.

—

The texting started Monday afternoon.

Then fell into Tuesday, which led into Wednesday.

Then, they upgraded to calls.

"I think I'm free tonight. Just come over," Ariana surprises herself with how lenient she is being, inviting Harry over on a weeknight.

"I'll bring pizza. I'm ravenous after fixing cars all day," she can hear his douchey smile.

Ariana gulps. "Sounds good,"

"À bientôt," [See you soon]

Turns out, it was soon.

She is in ratty jeans and a hoodie from painting in her bedroom, her hair tied back messily and her face freshly washed when she answers the door. A smile climbs onto her lips as she invites Harry inside, his sneakers squeaking against the old wooden floor as he steps in.

"It's fucking freezing in here," are his first words to her.

"I have fuzzy blankets," she offers, though turns into his chest when he decides to surprise her with a one-handed greeting hug, the other hovering over her back while balancing a box of pizza.

She returns it with a delighted grin stretched across her cheeks, her head tilted up to meet his eyes. They sparkle like even his irises are excited to see her.

Following her to the living room, he opens the box on the coffee table and leans back on the overstuffed sofa, kicking off his shoes and running a hand through his curls tiredly. "How was your day, amour?" He asks, his head falling back into a beige throw pillow.

Ariana perches herself beside him, leaning over to grab a slice of pizza. Olive—somehow he chose the perfect topping for her without asking or discussing this beforehand. He just seems to know.

"Alright. I'm pretty behind on a few essays, but I hit writer's block." She shrugs, pushing a stray piece of hair that fell from the loose ponytail behind her ear. "Fix any cars today?" She has a teasing lilt in her voice.

Harry smiles. "I did. Can I read one of your papers?" He peers at her laptop, which is haphazardly thrown onto one of the cushions. "Is it gonna be, like, a manifesto of your dark fantasies? Do you write erotica? Holy fuck, is it with a centaur and a mermaid? You freak!" He gasps, speaking so quickly there is no point in Ariana interjecting.

She simply rolls her eyes, smacking his shoulder playfully. "You'd love that, wouldn't you?" Her eyes crinkle in laughter as he nods excessively. "No, it's pretty boring. I don't think you want to read my review of the Titanic. The book, obviously,"

Harry scoffs. "On the contrary. If the writer's this hot, I'd read anything,"

She rolls her eyes once more but picks up her laptop. He moves closer to her, their thighs pressed together. She ignores the fluttering in her belly and his breath on her neck as she types in her password. He is so close, he must know what he's doing. He is touching her, and any touch from Harry lights her up like Central Park during Christmas time.

Then, horror strikes.

Pulled up on her screen in large font is the introduction to a dating profile website.

"Oh my God, Ari! You're on Tinder? You little minx!" Harry gasps dramatically, prying the laptop from her hands before she can snatch it away.

Her cheeks turn red, her hands reaching for the computer in an attempt to snap it shut before he digs deeper. It's not like she has filled anything out yet—she is admittedly horrible at all things related to finding photos of herself or hyping herself up. "I was just thinking of joining. I know dating apps are mostly for hookups, and—"

"—and you have me for that," Harry interrupts, finishing her sentence. "So you actually wanna find a date, yeah? I can help," he looks over at her, smirking knowingly. He knows he has her flustered and a puddle at his feet, but he can't help it. He loves watching the pretty blush bloom over her face and her eyes widen in surprise at his bluntness.

They were opposites, which Harry knew. But if anything, it made him more attracted to her. He wanted to see how far she'd let him push her, the side of her she never let anyone see. He scratched at the surface, but he needed more. He was thirsty.

She nods pliantly. "C'mere. Are your photos linked to your computer? I wanna choose them for you," he rests the laptop on his thighs, letting Ariana tuck herself into his side, eyes trained on the screen curiously.

He clicks upload pictures and expands the screen, perusing through her camera roll. Most photos are of cats she found littering the streets or excerpts from books she found endearing or heart-wrenching. There are a few drunken selfies of her and Hannah and some photos she forced Niall to take for her as well. "Why not that one?" She frowns, and Harry stops scrolling.

It is a picture of her and Hannah grinning widely outside the club they were waiting to get into, Ariana's mini dress high up her thighs, her head resting on Hannah's shoulder with one foot on the brick wall behind her.

"Is that the night I met you?" He asks, noticing the same black dress with a pink bow, the same stick-straight hairstyle with smokey eyeliner. She nods absently, looking up at him for his approval. "You're so pretty. This can be, like, the fourth picture, though. You don't want Hannah in a lot of them 'cause you guys look like sisters and guys have weird fetishes about sisters."

Ariana narrows her eyes. "Ew, Harry! Maybe this is a mistake," she groans, slumping into his body. She is exhausted from her day, the pizza sitting untouched in her hand beginning to wilt downwards.

"Well, obviously no guy on a dating app is good enough for you, but it's good practice. Plus, you're gonna get a million likes because you're probably the hottest person on this app and I'm gonna get jealous as fuck." Harry says honestly, not even looking up from the laptop at his brazen, confident comment.

She blushes hard. "Jealous?" She asks, furrowing her brow. Jealousy would infer they have any sort of romantic relationship, and it's clear Harry doesn't want that.

"You're a catch, Ari. You know that, right?" He finally rips his gaze away from the screen just to stare at her with the same intensity. She almost wishes he was still distracted, because she is sure if her face burns any redder she'll be in danger of catching on fire. "If I didn't think marriage was hellfire I'd propose."

Yeah, she thinks, her heart beating rapidly at his confession, this is going to sting.

She nods slowly. He returns back to perusing her albums, and they sit in comfortable silence as he does so, highlighting a few pictures, and sneaking a few bites of her slice of pizza.

Until he immediately freezes, and Ariana looks away from her phone she picks up just a moment before responding to Niall and Hannah. She peeks at the screen, immediately burying her face in Harry's shoulder when she sees what is pulled up.

It is a photo she took a month prior, natural light streaming through her bedroom windows in the crest of the morning sun. In the top corner, her lips are parted to show just a fraction of her teeth, and her back is arched.

The main focus of the photo, however, is her deep red, puffy mesh panties. The hem bunches lettuce-style, and the mesh is just see-through enough to see her milky skin in a rose-tinted haze. The white cotton tank she is wearing just barely covers her breasts, with the straps falling down her shoulders, her nipples peeking through the thin, almost transparent material. Her legs are bent at the knees, slightly parted to show a wet patch forming at the apex of her thighs.

"I forgot I took that," is all she managed to say when the silence became awkward.

"Are you real?" He answers, turning to look at her. "Because I swear I had a dream that looked exactly like you. I mean, you're fucking perfect. And you're so sweet and your heart is so fucking pure, you actually can't be real. It wouldn't be fair,"

He's gushing, words tumbling from his lips before his brain processes them. "And you kiss like an angel, I haven't been able to stop thinking about your lips. And your tattoos are just—"

Ariana lurches forward, capturing his babbling mouth in hers. Immediately, he pushes the computer away and brings her into his lap, his hands tugging at her belt loops before sliding up her sweatshirt to warm her back.

When she pulls away, she is out of breath. The kiss is short and wild, but Harry doesn't seem to mind.

"Is that how I'm supposed to kiss my Tinder date?" She asks through fluttered eyelids and a lip bite. For once, she left him speechless with red cheeks and wide, blinking eyes. She feels so accomplished, her chest puffing in pride as she cements her words with the hem of her sweatshirt hiking up her belly to show a fraction of tanned skin.

He frowns. "No. That type is just for me," he finally responds.

She laughs, light and airy. She isn't familiar with this Ariana; the Ariana that moves without worry and kisses with no forewarning. The Ariana whose skirts are too short and lipstick too bold. This is the Ariana Harry draws out of her—maybe it is smart to be friends with benefits. That way, she wouldn't lose him to a fight or a tear-filled breakup. That way, they'd stay happy and platonic (or, as platonic as you could get with that mouth of his).

This Ariana also spoke up. "That was my friendly kiss," she teases.

Harry blows out a long breath. "I can't even imagine the Tinder date kiss then." He blinks away the shock from his eyes before grabbing her hips and flipping her so her back is against his chest. She sinks into his arms, pulling the computer into her lap as they look at more photos.

It feels a bit backward, sitting in one man's arms while creating a dating profile to meet other men, but she doesn't care. She will enjoy her time with Harry now, in case she won't feel this way ever again.

"Why'd you leave France?"

The question is out of the blue. Ariana just finished filling out her nationality and hometown, and Harry seems to be intrigued.

She shrugs, though won't look back to meet his gaze. "Better opportunities in America," she says simply, and doesn't elaborate.

"But you were so young," he presses for more detail, his hands squeezing her hips in a silent urge to meet his eyes. She won't.

"My parents kinda shipped me away through a school program. And then I stopped coming home for summers and started living with Hannah once my mom got pregnant. The move was slow, I don't know for sure when I started calling New York home." Ariana says vaguely.

It falls silent for another few beats, but more words are piling up on Ariana's tongue, and Harry's smooth fingers rubbing against the bare skin of her hip are coaxing them out of her.

"Well, actually I do know," her voice wavers. "I wanted to go to France for Christmas break, but my parents told me they couldn't afford my ticket home. Or my schooling. Or my boarding. They said they had two new children and needed to supply their real kids with money. With my money," she feels tears prick her eyes, but pushes them down.

When she is certain none would fall, she turns to face Harry, once more abandoning their quest to make a dating profile.

"I kinda knew then I wasn't welcome anymore. They told me I could come home, but I'd have to stay in a hotel because they refurbished my room with nursery stuff. I decided not to go home, and they mailed the rest of my belongings a week later. I didn't have any money, so Hannah spotted me for a bit.

"And that's why I'm still friends with her, even though she treats me shitty and is not at all the same girl that held my hand in middle school." She finishes. She knows she doesn't have to explain anything to Harry and their relationship consists of light-hearted conversation and casual make-out sessions, but she wants to.

She hasn't ever admitted Hannah has changed before, or really that her family replaced her with two chaotic younger siblings she has only met a handful of times. But he makes her feel seen and heard, even if he never speaks—so she allows herself to slip up just this once.

Harry wraps his arms around her, slowly at first, until he engulfs her in his lean arms, muscles flexing around her body. "You're the coolest girl ever," he hums into her ear. She decided that was the best compliment Harry could dish out, and simply thanked him quietly as she let him hold her. "And Hannah doesn't deserve to be friends with such a cool girl." He pulls back, his hands sliding to her thighs.

It is just then that her eyes flicker to his lips and his gaze glosses over that Harry's phone rings.

It is loud and piercing, startling Ariana off him. It is probably good not to be so close to Harry anyway—the familiar sandalwood scent of his cologne begins to have Ariana's belly fluttering at the mere thought of it.

"Niall, I'm with Ariana. I don't think she wants her house smelling like weed—no, there's pizza here! I'm not abandoning pizza to sit in the snow with you—fuck you, weirdo," Harry pulls the phone away from his ear to turn to Ariana. "Can Niall come over? He says he's not bringing a joint but I don't believe him,"

Ariana's laugh bubbles gleefully from her throat, a nod surfacing. "He can smoke here, I don't care," she then adds.

"Can we all share a blanket? I wanna feel like the grandparents in that Willy Wonka movie," Niall asks, tugging the blanket that was wrapped around Ariana's body undone.

She is lounging between her (new) two favorite people as they pass a joint over her head, taking hits and laughing at dumb comments the other made. "We're not all gonna fit," Ariana points out as both the boys struggle to pull each end of the forest green throw over their bodies.

"Just sit closer to me. I don't bite," Harry teases, eyes glinting mischievously.

Ariana scoffs. "I can't sit closer to you, I'll be on your lap." She points out, and Harry hums knowingly.

"If the shoe fits..." he winces for her slap before it comes.

The bickering is interrupted by Niall, who is now reaching for Ariana's phone that sitting on the coffee table under a layer of pizza grease. He is cursing, trying to guess her password. "Niall! What are you doing?" Her tone is almost motherly, causing Harry to snort from behind her.

"Why are you getting messages for Nahir saying 'I want to taste you'? Oh my God, Ryan said he wants your babies!"

"Harry!" She feels like she is chastising children. "Did you hack my dating profile?"

Harry frowns, the air of playfulness gone and replaced with annoyance. "I thought I chose good guys. Why are they so creepy? I'm sorry, Ari, I told you you're too good for dating apps." He snatches the phone from Niall, scrolling through likes and explicit messages.

Ariana, though, is now red-faced and embarrassed. "Why do guys only think about one thing?" She groans, dropping back onto the sofa. Her hands are folded against her stomach, and she avoids eye contact with either of them. It's a rhetorical question, and she won't be able to listen to not everyone thinks that Ari, you just need to find your person.

Instead, Harry puts his hand on her knee, which is pulled up to her chest. Niall holds her hand in his. "'Cause we're assholes," Niall is focused on the screen, though his thumb is rubbing soothing circles against the top of her hand. "And you're kind of a princess. Or something. Like the badass kind, though, that has a lot of cool hats."

Ariana turns to Harry quizzically, almost as if saying what the fuck is he talking about?

Harry just shrugs. Who knows? His eyes reply.

"Thanks, Niall. You know how I feel about a good fedora,"

part one

#harry styles #harry styles love on tour #lana del rey #commitment lost #toujours #harry styles series #harry styles fanfic rec #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles one shot #harry #harry smut

13 notes · View notes

aspecpplarebeautiful · 4 years ago

Note

what the fuck are emotions. What are they. I don’t get it???? Wh. What??? I can’t even tell what I want in life!!!!! What are emotions??!! What ARE WMTOIONSvvv????!!!!!???? I am having a crisis. Fuckibg. What. What is going on. What three fuck. WHAT THE FUCK. I hate it here. save me. I can’t tell what’s platonic and romantic and I’m suffering. I don’t think I’ve ever fully been in a romantic relationship where I actually wanted to be in one, more so just felt like I was supposed to want it and be happy with it. I love the idea of romance maybe?? Why does it hate me??? What’s going on. Hhhhhhh??????? I don’t get paid enough for this! Ajdjdjdjdjjj?????? I’m so confused????? I always think my feelings are romantic and daydream and all but like ARE THEY?????? It doesn’t feel like it???? Maybe?????? Cause I feel all butterflyey and airy and swoony and I hate it! I cannot handle having emotions, let alone when I can’t even tell what they are!!! Whyyyyyy????????? This is so chaotic but MY MAN I AM NOT HAVING A GOOD TJME IN THSI CHILIS RIGHT NOW. What’s a romantic thing?? Holding hands??? I don’t wanna hold hands lovey dovey if I’m not close friends with them. But exactly that! Friends!! Anything that’s romantic I could feel for a close friend!!! Fuck!!!! Is this queerplatonic??? Is this just platonic??? Is this romantic???? Is this the real life or is this just fantasy???? I DONT KNOW! I’m caught in a landslide no escape from reality! I DONT EVEN MIEK QUEEN THAT MUCH????? AHHHH?????? And of all people why must my heart have horrible taste! Like WHAT??? THATS the person you choose??? HHHHHHHH?????? I don’t know if I want a life partner!! The idea sounds cute in my little fantasy head filled with soft clouds and living in a cottage by the seaside drinking hot homemade coco but I don’t know about ACTUALLY doing that?? It’s cute but. The idea of my own little house or apartment. I can decorate it how I want, make it all my own, do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted how I wanted, have a garunteed space for myself... that sounds amazing! Any other seems like something I’ve thought I wanted for so long but now I’m questioning that and that’s a bit. Yikes. And I don’t wanna be alone! Society frames single people as alone and I just internalized that! Fuck amatonormativity all my homies hate amatonormativity!!! Girl help I have internalized possible arophobia!!!!!! Why do I keep quoting memes while having an orientation crisis??!?!?!?? WHAT IS HAPPENING???? What is existence??? WHY DO PEOPLE WEAR BASKETBALL SHORTS?????? Hhdjdhdjshjshshhdhhshdhh. Maybe I’ve felt romantic emotion? But did I? Truly? Maybe I’ve felt that attraction, but I never want to be tied down, however bad that sounds. Am I aro or just scared of commitment aJHDJDJDHSJDHJS,,, but like. I had a crush on a guy for a YEAR. I was head over heels. Like I was daydreaming bout love confessions babe it was bad. But I got over him. It was whatever. Then he like a year or two later said he had a crush on me, and asked me out, and I was happy??? I remember being estatic. And I agreed. But I have no idea why I was happy. Was I happy for the me from years ago? Did I like the attention and validation? Have I always had a problem of shooting for the high and then leaving the moment I reach the low??? I hated that relationship. I felt awful. Each time he did something romantic I felt sick, and I avoided seeing him even when I had the chance to visit. It was really bad and I felt really guilty. I’d gotten this nice little happy ending, and I ruined it. I got this cute fairy tale, and no matter how hard I tried, my feelings never came. I thought they’d come back. If anything they just fully yeeted themselves out the stratosphere ffs. It was terrible. I felt really bad but had to break up with him. And through the guilt I felt so relieved, like I was finally freed. Never really got why people were so emotionally destroyed after breakups when they’re still friends tbh. And we’re still friends. (1/2)

Oh yeah we get to do this again babyyyyyy!!!! Anyways, the other relationship I’d been in, I had actually wanted to be in a qpr, but he asked me out romantically and I didn’t know what to do. He didn’t even know what a qpr was. I was torn between happy at spending more time with him and saying how much I loved him and the crippling fear and disappointment and lingering uncomfortableness. It only ever increased. I was a million times closer to him, but I told him I thought I might be aro-spec, because much as I hate to admit it, I felt awful every time we did “romantic” stuff. It’s kinda flattering and also kinda freaky to think he likes me like that. I don’t fully get romantic feelings anyway, though. But I thought it would all be fine and then it just. Wasn’t. We switched to a platonic relationship and I’m much more comfortable with that, but he talks about our future and I feel this fear that I’m gonna break his heart, because genuinely, I could see myself living with him, but not out of romance or anything. Just kinda like. It’s free real estate if I need a bug killed, and also houses cost so much money, and also movie nights, but I could just invite people to my own place if I wanted a movie night. But I just don’t know. I thought for sure I had romantic feelings for at the very least one of them, but it just didn’t work, at all. And there’s this other guy, I swear I don’t only crush on guys lmaodnfjdjdjdjjd, but he’s,,,,,,,, a youtuber. Because I have terrible taste. He’s only a year or two older than me and is funny and cute (asexually, bcus I am ace) and so my stupid monkey brain was like ah yes, this one is who you’re gonna like! And now I’m just like 🥺🥺❤️❤️❤️ every time I think of him. Very annoying. My heart is like an annoying bug that keeps bonking it’s head against the window next to me while I tiredly try to drive. But like,,,, I think have a crush?? But I don’t even wanna date him??????? So????? What????? WhAt????? What are emotions I don’t understand them??? This is a lot and I’m sorry my fam squad but oh boy am I having a real funky fresh time over here (2/2)

So one thing that may help you here, we tend to think of what attraction am I experiencing as a big objective truth. But it can actually be very subjective. So changing your thought process from being a detective and figuring out exactly what you’re feeling, to going ‘what makes the most sense to me in how I conceptualize this’. So basically try and think more in terms of ‘this is a helpful way for me to think of this’ and don’t worry too much if it’s right or wrong because there may not be an objective right or wrong answer.

So maybe it is romantic, but you’ve also got strong romance repulsion for being personally in romantic situations (I definitely think from this do you do have romance repulsion happening), and that’s interfering with having a romantic relationship. Or you’re somewhere under the akoiromantic/lithromantic umbrella, where you do have romantic feelings but don’t want them reciprocated.

Maybe your feelings are more in the platonic or alterous scale. So still very strong, but not romantic, or not entirely romantic. (If you’re looking for a guide on telling romantic, platonic and alterous attraction part, the faq for this blog discusses it.)

Some people experience parts of romantic attraction but not all romantic attraction, some people find attraction blurs together and it doesn’t make sense for them to see it as a single distinct type of attraction.

And some people just in general can’t distinguish between romantic and platonic. And there’s some labels around that, two of the most popular are idemromantic (when someone categorizes relationships as platonic or romantic but feels no notable differences) and platoniromantic (when someone can’t tell the difference between platonic and romantic attraction).

You can also look into quoiromantic, which is basically disidentifying with the concept of romantic attraction entirely, or finding it nonsensical, inapplicable or inaccessible. So that’s another thing you can look into if it interests you.

So that’s a few avenues you can look into, if nothing here feels right, you can dig in more, but this is a good starting spot.

But yeah, I’d definitely recommend trying and thinking of it in terms of what feels right, or what would be a useful way of looking at this. And not worrying about if it’s right or wrong, only if it feels right or makes sense for you.

All the best, and good luck, Anon!

#Anonymous

16 notes · View notes

lilmajorshawty · 6 years ago

Note

Any idea how to spot the rising signs based on mannerisms (rather than physical looks)?

YES plenty :D

some quick short cuts though!

look for celebrities share their sun and search for people with that sun and the rising sign you might think they are!

the reason being is A LOT of similarities can be found with certain placements and positions. so say your crush is a Libra sun, you would look up Libra rising with various rising signs and what i usually do is watch interviews, look at young photos and so on! if you want to really dig into it you can look up sun and moon combos via house placements associated with the believed rising sign you think they may be. so say you thin the herd to a Scorpio rising and their Libra sun falls in the 12th while their Gemini moon is in the 8th you would then look up Pisces sun with Scorpio moon and see how they act, watch interviews and look for facial and emotional similarities! now this is stuff i do and it is quite a bit of work so i’m going to list a few simple traits that stand out and spread them out into decans to make it easier because not every decan share the same characteristics.

Aries rising : the first decan is the most energetic and impulsive of the bunch but also has tremendous stability. the last decan is superrrrrr grounded and can seem like an earth sign because their energy flows calmer. the second decan is a bit more untethered and can seem unpredictable and “hurt”

(first decan): Bubbly, headstrong, stubborn and incredibly childlike and youthful in mannerisms and in their outlook on life. always laughing unless Saturn or Pluto sit here or are in aspect.

(second decan): Lost, Confused or their attention span seems gated or easily distracted in some way. Sensitive, emotional, Independent but also cool and aloof, hard to read emotionally.

(third decan): Earthy, doesn’t seem like a fire sign, laid back, BLUNT, impersonal, INTENSE, strong observation and body language reading skills, tolerant and easily accepting of others.

Taurus rising: the last decan is fairly serious and can seem more like an angry bull if anything. they are also the most moody. the 1st decan is softer than the other two. and the second decan is the most detached of them.

(first decan): SWEET, impressionable, stubborn as hell, creative, artistic and deeply attuned to their feminine and emotional side, enjoying life by seemingly turning a blind eye. literal deer.

(Second decan): SMART, the mind is fast and sharp, stuck in their ways, scientist and “lovers of the ganja.” meditation, cautious and extremely personal and direct, sensual and horny, magnetism, hard not to fall for them flaws and all.

(third decan): stern, serious temperament, father time energy, stoic, erotic and sensual but more so in a environment way than a touching way. sublime attraction to music and art/dance. very nice weight gain, temper tantrums and aloofness. AMBITIOUS and shy/standoffish.

Gemini rising :the last decan is the most of an enigma and to me is the most complex of the three. the first and second decans are both fairy like but the first decan is more sweet and emotionally present while the second relies more on cerebral stimuli.

(first decan): Disconnected, strong romantic nature, seems grounded but also slightly off in a way. jaded personality. keeps interactions of all kind impersonal especially when in public. seem serious and rather harsh when meting a stranger. highly energetic and full of life at random moments(this is their real self).

(second decan): Magnetic as shit but also unstable as shit, passive, neurotic, camera ready personality, very silly and playful, emotionally available, very sympathetic and passionate, moody and escapist. can battle bouts of depression.

(third decan): ARTISTIC and extremely gifted in the art of human nature. More detached than any Aquarius you’’ll ever meet. live on another planet. can seem like they wont be staying for long. very strong energy and magnetism. “the demon gaze.” EXTREME emotional mood swings. Powerful emotions and can seem very tense or extremely disengaged.

Cancer rising : ALL of them are sensitive! but id say the first decan is the saddest looking or the most innocent and caring of the bunch even when they don’t want to be. the second decan is the more intense and aloof of them while the last decan is the most magnetizing of the three due to their flighty and intangible nature.

(first decan): Stoic, can seem miserable some moments as if the world is falling around them, or can look bright and innocent like a small infant. Very nurturing and cares a lot about the well being of others “genuinely.” can seem tired or agitated. VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY MOODY. hard to really understand or get to know. lives in their heads. very cunning and extremely smart and talented but never show this. detached and a bit cold to strangers.

(Second Decan): secretive. adaptive. extremely self aware. lack of pity or sympathy for others. INTENSE. intimidating. emotionally present but can also be too emotionally unavailable at times. cutting and raw. deep set stares. can be very private and hidden. STRONG sex appeal but in a divine feminine way even in men. strong sensuality and emotional sensitivity when they like you. VERY cold to outsiders and people who speak on their family or lovers.

(Third decan): The demon, chameleons, sheds personalities quite a bit. multiple personalities. dark.elusive. extremely caring and can seemingly surround a room in good vibes. very tender and very mothering. slow to except situations or circumstances. irrational tendencies. strong sex drive. illusion like temperamental. disappearing acts. beautiful energy.

Leo rising: the first decan is rather immature but they radiate the sun in full glory. the second decan is the most emotionally driven while the last decan is the most serious and mature of the bunch. dare i say they come across like a Capricorn/aries combo

(first decan): kitty cats. easily entertained. free love types. hard to tame and or get to settle down. LOVE the spotlight. strong aura. very easy going and deeply fixed personalities. Energetic as all hell. can seem bull headed or uncompromising. entertainers. sexually experimental and also very comfortable with sexuality and their expression of it both publicly or private. can be super detached especially when they are in a playful mood. SERIOUSLY they are like house cats so they are easily bored and can seemingly dismiss anything that doesn’t keep them entertained.

(Second decan): cubs. huge babies. can be very soft and act like teenagers from time to time. easily discouraged by things when they aren’t receiving encouragement. VERY personal. slow to open up. very sentimental and thoughtful. volatile emotions(in some men they can express this violently on their environment or on others, depends on the person and chart though). gentle. very goofy and playful people. negligent.

(third decan): Lions. Mature. stoic, intense. slightly emotionally unavailable for a long time until they trust you. Intense emotions. Lost. easily tired and can seem disengaged or disinterested. GETS very intent and serious when they like someone(their usual happy go lucky self disappears, they take romance seriously as hell.) intimate. sacrificial. very Strong instincts. observant. caring

Virgo Rising: the difference is that the first decan is more “virgo” than the other two. the last decan is the more completed version of virgo and seem the most emotionally available while the second decan is the coldest.

(first decan): Piercing energy. dark and sort of distant. strong mental activity. strong attraction to nature and the nitty gritty of life. Cerebral. very into conspiracy or the unacknowledged aspects of life. cynical. Very old souls. harsh beliefs. charismatic and poised. Very clear speakers and incredibly straight forward people. lacking in emotional compassion. can wear the work face quick. very sensual and touchy feely. very respectful and kind hearted. understanding. sensitive to others but may not completely “understand.” very warm natures.

(second decan): peaceful. keeps it simplistic and chill. not good at drama or confrontations. anger comes out at really bad times and have a hard time differentiating between their emotions. Strong sexual desires. can seem emotionally complex or as if they aren’t giving you “all of them.” doesn’t like being questioned. Domineering and dominate personalities(men more than women) types to give speeches or call everyone else sensitive. Hardworking and sacrifices a lot for work. weird relationship with romance, kinda center their life on it but also don’t care much for it.

(third decan): Another level. EARTHY. intense drive and passion. dedicated and loyal to friends and lovers and especially family. very sweet nature and comfortable with themselves. heavy energy. VERY charming and extremely sensual. can seem a bit like a ken or barbie with a more down to earth like energy. very clean and also very judgy of unsanitary situations. very emotionally open and extremely loving. relaxed and genuine.

Libra rising: they all share the very gentle and social nature but as you get into the ladder decans they become far more introverted. the first decan is the most lively and what you see in articles about Libra risings. the second decan is more quiet and slightly more emotionally scattered as they are more focused on others and struggle with identifying themselves. The last decan is the most intense of the Libra risings and can have very dark and rather isolated natures. they will seem the least like libra rising.

(first decan): playful and amiable. Very romantic minded but also Extremely self reliant and independent. Strong personalities. individuals. very perceptive and socially intelligent. very open and straight to the point. may struggle with darker emotions from time to time. Lighthearted as hell. naturally into the more darker or more sensual sides of life. bad boy and girl. feels everything hard. very innocent. not a mean bone in their body but boy can they be blunt as shit.

(second decan): sweet but distant. very present but also in a weird way not all the way there. emotions can hit like a nuke and subside just as quick. very sensitive to the emotions of others. can seem to lack deeper feelings or not really know how they feel. transparent. predictable. very likable. a military like personality from time to time. can seem to fluctuate between needing to be in control of things and not really caring. falls for someone sweet and understanding 99% of the time! looks don’t matter much to them.

(Third decan): Very dark. the emotional nature can be pretty intense and in some cases it can cause obsessive habits, self destructive habits, emotional disengagement, or even depression and unhealthy moods. tense temperament. do not like being alone. can be very mean or cold unintentionally. very distant. very magnetic and seem to have this spark about them that makes people naturally fawn over them. can feel draining. very giving and VERY passionate about friends and lovers but can struggle most with romance because their emotions shift A LOT. disciplined and extremely mature for their age. curious and also very responsible. can get stuck in ruts.

Scorpio rising: They all kinda share the energy of toxic behavior patterns but the types of patterns are unique to each decan(mind you this is a possibility not a norm) the first decan is the most intimidating and the more sexually and emotionally intense of the bunch. the second and third are a bit more relaxed emotionally but the second decan natives can be moody and harsh in nature due to their escapist tendencies. the last decan can be deceptive and slightly manipulative as they alter situations and perceptions as a means of concealing their actions or emotions.

(First decan): Intense. intimidating. thrill seekers. sex and emotions are hand in hand. manipulation and jealously can be very dangerously expressed here. they are highly self aware but may not try to fix their problems. emotionally intense and unreadable. lives in another mind space. gloomy and stoic. Can be TOO serious. Very slow to open up. can be very loyal and stuck on one person. hard to juggle their emotions and their everyday duties. very honest and genuine. lacks discipline or diplomacy. Dangerous energy. can seem like a bad idea. tend to tell people what they’re getting involved with before people try try to get close to them. not the type to cheat but can Be very contradictory personality wise. most of them are open to any and all sexual experiences be it same sex, orgy, and so on. they are big on accepting others as is. VERY sweet and gentle with their lovers.

(second decan): ominous. seems irritated. hates dishonesty and fakes. plays the field. strong sexual instincts. strong compassion for those around them. tries to fix everything. sharp tongues. may dress in brighter colors than most Scorpio risings and very big on expressing themselves. drug use and alcohol use is common territory, as are uppers and downers. using people, or things as escape mechanisms is a bad trait they have. understanding but also critical of others. lovers of music and dance. can be very strongly tied to music or have strong opinions about artist. HUGE judges of performances and what others create. very wet and or intangible presence. they don’t really seem there or can fade in and out of your memory.

(third decan): sunny but unstable. they are very open and smiley. can seem to have a positive outlook on life. may be emotional issues or inconsistent desires and needs. very smart and intelligent. athletic and or takes good care of their bodies. that said they tend to tie emotional states to their well being so if things aren’t okay with a lover or with things at home or even in general they can be sluggish, irritated, or even manipulate or hurt others just to feel in control of something. sweet but slightly disrespectful or lacking in awareness. moments of high energy and moments of low energy. usually very sociable and talkative. loves cerebral banter and can be very seductive vocally. may pick on or poke fun every once and awhile. super easy going and immature personality. risk takers and tend to see romance as a fun thing.

Sagittarius rising: energy colors all of the decans but i’d say the 1st and last decan are the typically loud goofsters while the second decan is more chill and more rebellious type.

(First decan): MASCULINE. can be pretty direct. they have this way about speaking and acting that can seem like they haven’t heard a word you said but their laid back and rather happy demeanor tends to throw you off. move fast and can seem to lack discipline. ACTIVE and can usually take the initiative in most situations. cool emotional state and usually avoids messier emotional displays. Likes fun and stimulation and can struggle when around more serious or intense feelings. HIGH sex appeal but can also seem like everything is just a game to them.

(second decan): somber. slightly ungrounded. can live life on a whim. goes where the wind takes them so to speak. the realm of sex and intimacy is always a curious world for them. can be very sensitive and emotionally expressive. very interested in the feelings of people. researcher types and tend to sort of investigate or interrogate people they meet. highly optimistic but a slightly more realistic energy. softies and don’t try to hide it. super supportive and sympathetic. LOVESSSSSSSSS foreign anything, tends to spend a lot of time going to culture festivals or out of the country. seems shy and quiet at first but can have the same gusto and enthusiasm as the other decans.

(third decan): very sensual and charming. they can seduce a room without much effort. they are great people readers. tend to be cautious of people and prefer their own space and their own time. down to earth but also a bit more intense. they don’t tolerate very much and can be very attracted to anything or anyone from a different region, culture or even long distance. they love a good party but also can fly into recluse mode real fast. temptations and lust can fuck them up. strong desire to live life their way, not overly tied to any one thing.

Capricorn rising: they all have the intimidating aura but i would say the first decan is the sweetest of them. the second decan is the most charming and romantically charged while the last decan is the most “Capricorn” like as they truly do prioritize their own goals and aspirations.

(first decan): Tender and sophisticated. they have extravagant taste and can have a hard time being around people who settle for whats given. strong minds and personalities. doesn’t trust much. very emotionally introverted. does not reveal all the details. can seem discerning. hard to please and also high standards. very abrupt. enjoys stable and more sensual means of enjoying themselves. the men and women tend to stay fit and can put a lot of work on keeping grounded.

(second decan): VERY stable. loves to explore and can seem like they are all over the place. very strong sexual drive and can be very obsessed with sex on the low(you wont know though). Takes their mental health very seriously and takes very frequent brakes and recuperation time. thinks everything over before reacting. prideful. usually a magnetic allure to them. can seem a bit tough or rough around the edges upon first meeting them. very sensitive and emotional and can have a very soft heart on a deep level when it comes to others and because of this they ARE very SOCIALLY awkward.

(third decan): Pompous and arrogant. Very aware of the potential in others. constantly working and pushing themselves to be the very best. Usually the types to place high value in fashion and their appearance. many of them have a strong energy and can easily intimidate you. they aren’t readily emotional and can lack the ability to understand the feelings of others. their emotions are not overly complicated which is part of the reason why. they enjoy a richness of character and can be very humble and appreciative of everything big or little. very much so Casanova types. many enjoy the chase while the ladder enjoy the rush of intimacy and romance. they are the hardest to get to settle down because they feel as though the world is vast, why waste your time on a fleeting moment. very energetic and drawn to movement.

Aquarius rising: the second decan is the most happy go lucky and quirky of the bunch while the first decan is kinda like a school student or researcher. the third decan is the most emotionally complex of them all.

(First decan): very soft nature. they are curious about everything. very dry on social media or through texting. love the unexpected and can enjoy challenging social norms or cultural exceptions of their era. The most emotionally available of the bunch and can have an easy time relating on an emotional level to people on a very deep level. kinda vain and lacks grounded beliefs. seems to spend more time questioning then answering. can be emotionally dark and intense but they have a naughty nature them as if they want things to get chaotic without realizing it.

(second decan): very earthy remarkably. they crave a lot of physical touch and can be a bit more communicative then the rest. they love all forms of communication and can use many as gateways to understand themselves. they are not easy to understand or know emotionally because they have so many unconscious walls. they live their lives in a sort of third person perspective. they can seem disconnected from their bodies or just move in a way that doesn’t go with their bodies. strong minded and can be very very brave. not the mist traditional of people but i’d say they are the most life on the prairie with flying saucers as you’ll get from Aquarius rising. THEY ARE ALWAYS TRANSFORMING AND TRYING TO BETTER UNDERSTAND THEMSELVES.

(third decan): can be very well spoken and incredibly mature. they take people and life pretty seriously but also have enough humility and good will to see life in a jokey and rather impersonal manner as well. they loveeeeee people and can be a people pleaser. this trait is most predominate in relationships though. they loathe falseness or a lack of genuine expression so they are keen on detaching or separating themselves instinctual if the sense it. they have the craziest fall back game. they tend to always be on the search for love but can seem to regret it once they have it. they struggle with finding a good balance between loner and co-dependent. they adore soft expressions of love from a far but can seem a little weird when it is done to them. They are always craving things that they don’t truly want.

Pisces Rising: all very intuitive but the last two decans can be more introverted about this.

(first decan): They have a beautiful presence. they have a very radiant and soft way of speaking. the manner in which they express themselves seems as fragile as glass and often times angel like. the eyes aren’t watery but they do have a aura of being delirious or mentally absent. they are very sensitive and can easily read intentions, desires or actions of others for what they are and react accordingly. They are VERY guarded spiritually and can seem to live on another plane. very strong musical ability or fondness of music. rarely in a foul mood but can snap very quickly when their integrity or their well being is put under spotlight. PRIVATE. likes to be left the fuck alone.

(Second decan): intense. nurturing and sensitive personality. slightly abrasive and raw. can seem a bit stoic or “too real” for some people. not the types to beat around the bush. makes emotional choices between them and other people before they get a chance to. can grapple with their intense feelings and emotions quite a bit so because of this they tend to be loners or picky socially and romantically about who they spend time with. LOVES kids. very spacey and intelligent. the manners are good but they can wane if they feel as though they are being disrespected. they aren’t moody when alone but much of their reactions and moods depend on the people they are talking to! so if you talk crazy to them expect that same energy back in full force and then some. VERY SEXUAL and these natives are also very private.

(Third decan): Ghosts. can seem secluded or emotionally tense. Takes things seriously and isn’t the type to reveal emotions or weaknesses. Very good at pretending or playing a role. “think drake’s song cameras.” they can have intense highs and lows behind closed doors and the only way of telling is by their detachment and escapism tendencies coming out full force. they are communicative to an extent but lack expressing the deep stuff. can take years to open up and can seem rather indifferent to emotions all together most of the time. strong desire to succeed and can have a very ambitious and emotionally self disciplined nature. may play the victim or manipulate in relationships but usually respect their lover HIGHLY to the point that they sacrifice much for them. typically grounded and stable they will seem the least like a Pisces rising and will seem more like Scorpio or Capricorn rising.

As a last note. planets aspecting the first house planet ruler or that sit in the first house period can greatly alter any of these interpretations. so try to guess the rising and use data of your generational planets to guess what might be aspecting what.

ex. Scorpio and Sagittarius risings might seem similar because Pluto in Sagittarius could rest in the 1st house or aspect the ascendant for both of these rising signs meaning you’d have to look at both interpretations.

6K notes · View notes

solavillain · 5 years ago

Text

Pas de Deux Ch 7: Discovery

+pairing: Spinel x fem!Reader +genre: Drama, romance, angst, slow burn, enemies to friends to lovers +warnings: semi-NSFW, sensual content, suggestive content +word count: 7.3K +Chapter 7 / ? previous || next

Read on AO3!

For a moment, you can do little more than stand still in shock as Spinel moves over you. You feel her tear stained cheeks against yours, you feel her hands slowly find their way into yours. But once the initial shock wears off, you give in to her, give in to the heightened emotions and sensations like you’ve wanted to for days now.

You keep one hand in hers, but move your other up to her shoulder, trying to steady yourself against the taller Gem who leans into you like you’re her lifeline. Her mouth moves against yours, soft and unsure- you doubt she’s ever done this before, but she’s certainly not the worst you’ve ever had...

Suddenly, she seems to find courage, and wraps her lanky arms once around you, squeezing ever so slightly. You welcome the sensation and grip both her shoulders with your hands, sighing softly into the kiss. She grows more forceful, more needy, and presses you up against her. You’re happy to let her take charge, but you reciprocate the effort, reaching up to wrap an arm around the back of her neck and press her closer to you. Her lips are thin and soft against yours, and you find yourself holding back a moan- she is undeniably attractive like this. You’re so used to her being rather quiet and unsure, for her to take charge like this is just... wonderful.

As quickly as it happened, it ends all too soon. Spinel pulls away and rests her forehead against yours, staring downcast at the sand beneath you, and you’re left to catch your breath and try to get your heartrate down.

“I...I’m sorry,” she says softly, beginning to loosen her hold.

You snap your head up, meeting her eyes fiercely.

“Don’t you be sorry for this,” you breathe out, full of emotion. “I... I wanted this too.”

“R-really?” Spinel asks, pulling back to look you directly in the eyes.

You meet her gaze easily, hoping she can see the resolve on your face. “Yeah, Spins...I meant what I said just now, I’ve...really grown to care about you, and it wasn’t until the past day or so that I really tried to figure out what that meant for me. I think I realized you meant more to me than just a friend the night you helped me keep warm... Waking up like that with you was just...so special...”

You start to tear up, the hours of being on edge and heightened emotions catching up to you. Spinel unwraps an arm from you and cups your face, wiping away the small tears that begin to fall.

“Hey, hey, I thought I was the crier ‘round here,” Spinel says softly, trying to lighten the mood. You lean into her touch and smile, your heart soaring at this intimate contact.

“I can cry enough for the both of us,” you mumble back, smiling and pressing a light kiss into her palm.

The two of you stay like that for a moment, just soaking in each other’s company and touch, both more touch starved than you had realized. After a few minutes Spinel sighs happily and pulls away slowly, gazing at you with affection.

“So what now?” she mutters, turning to admire the setting sun over the ocean.

“Well...I promised you I’d stay here with you, and I will,” you reply, taking her hand in your own. “And along the way, I guess we just see what happens?”

Spinel smiles back at you, her eyes shining in the twilight. “Yeah, Y/n... I’d like that.”

x * x * x * x * x

You stay on the beach a little while longer, so you can watch the night sky and stars. You end up sitting by the waves, both a little nervous around each other, but both incredibly excited.

“So Homeworld really doesn’t have stuff like this?” you ask, idly picking through the sand to look for interesting shells.

“What, the ocean?”

You nod in affirmation. “The ocean, sunsets...It’s so weird to me that another planet that hosts life can be so different from Earth,” you remark.

“I guess since we aren’t organic, we didn’t need to meet the same conditions that humans did to live on Earth?” Spinel speculates, watching the waves lap at her feet.

You raise your eyebrows at her comment. You knew she wasn’t stupid, obviously, but you hadn’t expected her to know much about planet conditions for life.

“Huh. You’re probably right.”

You turn back towards the horizon, and flinch when you see a large incoming wave. It’s too close to avoid, so you can do nothing but sit and let it wash over you, giggling as the water recedes once more.

“Aww, what happened?” Spinel teases in a sing-song voice, “Did the mean old ocean attack ya?”

You shoot her a playful glare. “Hey, you got hit a little too,” you point out, motioning to her wet legs. “Such is the hazard of sitting near the water, I suppose.”

You glance around at your sides and spot a large shell in the sand, washed up by the wave a few moments ago. You snag it and stand up.

“We should head back now though, I’ve gotta dry off before I sleep,” you say with a sigh. Sleep may have to wait now that your clothes are soaked.

She nods and stands as well, giving you a shy smile.

“Oh, and....here,” you say quietly, holding out your simple shell. “It’s, uh, just a shell, but I always like to have little trinkets to remember moments by, and since you’re new to the Earth and all... well, I thought you might like it,” you finish shyly, praying she doesn’t think it’s dumb.

She takes the shell from you, staring at it in wonder. You can’t help but smile at the look on her face. You know she has seen shells while you’ve been here, so why is she so intrigued by this one?

“Y/n, thank you,” she whispers, gazing past the shell to meet your eyes. “Since it’s from you...I’ll keep it forever.”

“Oh,” you reply, blushing furiously at her promise, “W-well that’s very sweet of you.”

You turn back towards camp and begin the trek back, butterflies still fluttering in your stomach. Is this how it’s supposed to be? You haven’t been in a real relationship for so long, you’ve forgotten what the norm is. Maybe it’s just something about Spinel that puts you on edge and makes you excited...

When you arrive back at camp, you stoke the fire, adding more firewood and kindling to make sure the flames are as large as possible. You watch as Spinel hunts for a spot to keep her new treasure from you, and you grin to yourself as she places it near the waterfall, giving it a cute pat as she puts it down.

Turning back to the task at hand, you wring out your clothes to the best of your ability, but it seems you may actually need to lay them out near the fire this time- you don’t want to be stuck in wet clothes when the night air turns cold.

With a nervous sigh you turn to Spinel, who has moved to stand against a tree, watching you work.

“U-um, Spinel, I... think I have to take these off now,” you mutter, gesturing down at your garments. “They’ll dry faster if they’re not on me... do you mind looking away for a while?”

Spinel furrows her brows in confusion. “Look away? Why?”

You let out a shaky breath and explain, “Humans... sometimes we’re self-conscious of our bodies and don’t like how we look without clothes. I... I’m just not much to look at.”

Spinel crosses the gap between you and places a warm hand on your cheek.

“Y/n, you’re beautiful, and that’s a fact. Please don’t ever worry ‘bout lookin’ bad for me, ok?”

You nod and lean into her touch, a soft smile gracing your features. “I know, but... just for now, ok? I’ll get better about it, but I’m just... still new to all this,” you say softly, not meeting her eyes.

She gives you a light kiss on the forehead and hums softly in agreement. “Okay, darlin’. I’ll go sit over by this tree, ok? I won’t look,” she promises.

You instantly relax, releasing tension you didn’t know you were holding. “Thank you,” you whisper, and move to start hanging your clothes by the fire. You don’t have much in terms of a clothesline, so you settle for stabbing some sticks vertically into the ground and just draping your shirt and shorts off of them haphazardly. You leave your undergarments on; those are thin enough that they’ll most likely dry off while you sit by the fire. You move to the nearby rocks and brush off any dirt before sitting down, placing your elbow on your knee and your chin in your hands. The warmth from the fire is nice against your bare skin, even if you feel incredibly uncomfortable being so exposed...especially around Spinel.

“Howzit goin’ over there, doll?” Spinel calls out from her place on the other side of the nearby tree.

“Fine, just hoping stuff will dry quickly,” you reply. You bounce your leg up and down nervously, impatient for the garments to be wearable again. In a way, though, you’re thankful that your clothes have gotten soaked the past couple days- you haven’t had a shower in almost a week, but at least this way your clothes will smell of the ocean and fire rather than...you.

After around half an hour of sitting, you get up to inspect the clothes, checking to see if there’s any progress made. Spinel seems to have heard you moving, because she calls out, “Are you all set over there?”

You can barely hear her over the roar of the fire, however. “Yeah?” you shout back, trying to urge her to repeat her question.

Unfortunately, she takes this as affirmation that you’re all done drying off, and that she can come back over. Your back is to where her spot in the tree line was, so you don’t hear or see her approach your spot crouched at the fire.

“O-oh,” you hear her stutter out, and you stand and turn to her on instinct, face warm from the flames and your own embarrassment.

“Spinel, I thought you were going to stay over there...” you plead, trying in vain to cover your body with your arms.

“I’m sorry, I thought you said I could come back over,” she mutters, trying to avoid looking your direction. But you notice her catch a few glances, and you watch as her face flushes a deep magenta.

You let out a shaky laugh, “I- I’m sorry I’m like this. I want to get better about being seen...”

Spinel cocks an eyebrow, her gaze focused up at the overhanging trees. “If you’re comfortable now, we can try... letting me look for a moment?” she suggests, hesitation and concern in her voice.

You take a deep breath in, and let out a resolute sigh. “Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.”

Spinel smiles softly and turns slowly towards you, reaching out and taking your hands as she does so.

“Wow...” she breathes out, and you blush almost immediately. Her gaze is so full of curiosity and wonder that you have to turn away.

“I mean...I knew you were gorgeous, Y/n, but my stars.”

She takes a tentative step forward, and places her hand on your cheek, staring into your eyes now. You meet her gaze, captivated by her pink swirling eyes, her signature markings, and her sweet smile that she now wears for you.

Her hand moves slowly down your face, through your hair briefly, and onto your shoulder. You shudder at the close proximity, and wonder how much of your face gives away what exactly you’re feeling right now. You’re nervous and worried about what she thinks of you, but you’re also enjoying her touch immensely.

“Just know,” Spinel says as she leans down closer to you, “that you are wonderful.”

With that, she places her lips on your shoulder and kisses across your sternum softly. You are putty in her hands, your knees feeling almost weak. You grip her shoulder to steady yourself, and she winds her arm around to the small of your back to help.

“You’re amazing,” you manage to breathe out, reveling in the sensations Spinel’s touch is sending through your body. She cups the back of your head with her free hand and moves her way up your neck. Her kisses aren’t hungry or demanding, you note, just... curious, and admiring.

“H-hah...” you let out a shaky moan as she finds her way to a sensitive spot on your neck, causing you to stumble forward into her at the sudden feeling.

“You all right there, doll?” she mutters into your ear, rubbing small comforting circles into the small of your back.

“Y-yeah...” you let out, and all at once you find your courage to turn to her and press your mouth into hers, causing the Gem to startle slightly. But after a beat she leans into it with vigor, encircling your waist with both arms like she had before at the beach. In tandem, you reach a hand up to Spinel’s face and gently brush your thumb across her cheek, where you know her markings sit. There’s just something about these that you find oddly attractive...

As the kiss deepens, Spinel lets out small sounds of pleasure; something you’ve never heard from her before. You smile softly and break apart slowly, your hand still on her cheek. This time it’s her turn to lean into your touch, a look of pure contentment on her face. With her eyes closed, you study her face more closely, and your heart leaps with how overjoyed you are that you get to be this close to her.

You suddenly feel a hot prick of pain on your upper back, and you yelp, moving away from Spinel and the fire.

“Guess the embers popped,” you say, chuckling at your own expense. Spinel had made it so easy to forget where you were, that you were basically naked standing next to open flame.

“M-maybe the clothes are dry?” Spinel stutters out. You turn in surprise at her tone, and you can see she still appears to be slightly shell-shocked from your...exploration of each other a few moments ago.

“Maybe she’s not used to all the touching...” you think idly as you go to inspect the drying clothes more thoroughly. “Hell, I don’t even think I’m used to it yet.”

You walk around to where your clothes are still draped unceremoniously over the sticks, and inspect them once more.

“Ah, finally!” you say with a grin, pulling your shirt on over your head. “Mmm, warm...”

As you slip your shorts back on as well, you glance at your companion, who hasn’t moved from where you left her.

“Hey, you all right?” you ask, echoing her earlier question.

“Oh, yeah, just...” she trails off and you tilt your head, wondering what could be wrong.

“Just kinda can’t believe you want me...like this,” she finishes quietly, sitting down on the rocks you had been perched on earlier.

You follow her lead and plop down next to her, and you tentatively circle your arms around her small waist, careful to avoid her Gem.

“We’re more similar than I thought, I guess,” you remark in a half joking tone. “But Spinel, if you’re talking about these...”

Once again you reach a hand up to her markings, and gently guide her head so you can look into her eyes.

“I actually really like these,” you whisper, taking her hand in your free one. “I understand why you don’t, but... they’re a sign that you went through something and came out of it on the other side.”

Spinel nods and leans against you momentarily, before taking your hand from her cheek.

“Thank you, Y/n,” she replies softly, her eyes gleaming.

You smirk and move onto your knees so you’re able to reach her face, and kiss each cheek once.

“You’re beautiful too, Spinel,” you say, staring down into her eyes and cupping the back of her head, as she had done for you moments ago. An idea suddenly forms, and your smirk grows as you lower yourself to reach her neck, peppering soft kisses on her pink skin.

“Mmm...” Spinel hums, sounding blissed out. From your position you can see her hands, clenching and unclenching, and you love that you’re making her squirm just as she had done to you.

You giggle mischievously and grow bold enough to straddle her, moving as quickly as you can before she can retaliate. You wrap your arms around her shoulders and bring your mouth to hers, pressing your chest against her Gem.

Spinel’s eyes flutter shut as she sighs into your touch, her hands finding their place on your back. She shudders when you press into her Gem, the closeness almost too much for her.

After a moment, she breaks away, face a deep magenta. You grin at her and she flushes more, earning a laugh from you.

“You tryin’ to one-up me or somethin’?” Spinel mutters, pulling you into a hug.

You squeeze her gently and sigh, happier than words could describe.

“Maybe,” you say in response, pulling back to look at her face once more. “Did it work?”

Spinel mirrors your grin and wraps you tightly in her arms, to the point where you can’t move away.

“I’d say so,” she says in a low, dark tone. Your eyes widen as you wonder what she could be thinking, and your heart beats faster in excitement.

But suddenly you’re unwrapped and standing, faster than you can follow what’s happening.

“Anyway doll, you need to eat some dinner, hmm?” Spinel says innocently as she makes her way towards the food storage. You raise your eyebrows incredulously at the Gem, and huff slightly at her.

“Really? Dinner?” you say, crossing your arms. You can’t help but smile, though- she really knows how to tease.

“Of course, darlin’! Can’t have you starving on me,” she replies, walking back over to you and handing you a banana. You take it with a roll of your eyes, still left with an ache from the sudden absence of contact. You try not to let it show as you rush through your “dinner”, watching Spinel as she wanders aimlessly around the camp. You finish the banana and sigh, still wishing you had some variety of fruit on the island.

A breeze rushes through the trees and you shiver, stepping closer to the fire. You look up to the night sky and smile- there are so many stars out here, and the sight just fills you with wonder every time. Most of the year you never get to see stars, since you go to school in Empire City. But you long for the summer when you can go to Beach City and walk on the beach in the starlight, unobstructed by the Earth’s artificial light.

The moon is fully out now, and you idly wonder where the time has gone. It must be close to midnight, so you decide it’s time to start thinking about heading to bed.

“Hey, Spinel?” you call out, and she glances up from where she was gathering kindling at the tree line.

“I think I’m gonna go to sleep, it’s late,” you tell her as she walks over to you.

“Oh, sure, you go sleep. I’ll keep the fire goin’ out here for ya,” she says, beginning to walk back towards the fire.

“W-wait,” you call out hesitantly, gripping her arm.

She turns back to you and cocks an eyebrow in confusion, and you squeeze your eyes shut as nerves flutter through you.

“Do you, uh...can you spend the night with me? Again?” you ask softly, unable to meet Spinel’s eyes.

Spinel takes your hand from her arm, and you glance up to see the warmest smile on her face, her eyes shining with adoration.

“Yes,” she whispers, “I can do that.”

You nod, face still flushed with embarrassment. Now that everything was out in the open between you two, shouldn’t you be able to ask things like this?

“I wish this stuff came easier to me,” you think as you head into the lean-to with Spinel in tow, “getting kidnapped is fine but I panic with intimacy? What is that?”

You duck under the entrance to your shelter, and plop down unceremoniously on your makeshift bed. Spinel follows suit, both of you avoiding eye contact and sitting in silence for a moment.

You let out a shaky sigh and wrap your arms around yourself, finally glancing towards the Gem.

“I’m sorry, I- I don’t know why I got all nervous suddenly. It’s just... been a long time since I’ve liked anyone this much and I don’t really know how to act,” you confess.

“Aw, Y/n...” Spinel gives you a warm smile and scoots closer to you, placing a hand on your back. “I’ve never done this before. I was infatuated with Pink Diamond, but I was made for her. With you it’s so new and... an’ scary sometimes,” she says quietly, trailing off.

Your head snaps up, your eyebrows furrowed. “Oh god, did I move too fast? Did I do something wrong?” you ask worriedly, thoughts rushing through your head. You never want her to feel scared around you; you’d do anything to avoid that happening.

“No, no!” she rushes to reply, eyes going wide. “Stars, no. I just meant... I’m still learning, you know? I think we both are,” she chuckles, earning a smile from you. “But... we can learn together, right?”

You nod and lean against her, placing your head on her shoulder. “Yeah, of course. We’ll teach each other,” you say quietly, snuggling into Spinel. She plants a soft kiss on the top of your head and hugs your body to her, squeezing gently.

With a soft sigh, she asks, “Are you ready to sleep now, doll? How would ya like to do this?”

Your face heats and you pull back, looking up at her. “Well, uh... can I lay on your shoulder while we lie down?” you ask shyly.

Spinel nods, and pulls you to her, laying down with you as you asked. “Like this?”

“Mmm,” you hum in affirmation, burrowing into the crook of her neck and breathing her in. Your heart thuds loudly as the Gem wraps her arms around you, once again pulling you closer.

“Good night, Y/n,” she whispers, and you drift off with your heart feeling more full than it’s ever been.

x * x * x * x * x

You’re pretty sure you’re dreaming. Your mind is all hazy, you can barely see, and there’s a light touch roaming up and down your arms, sometimes moving down your legs. You can’t move much but you don’t mind; it’s warm and comfortable in this dream and you feel safe, and at home. But as the fog in your mind clears, you realize you’re very much awake, and as Spinel moves and shifts around you, you realize it’s her who’s lightly ghosting her hands on your arm.

As you had the first night you spent together, you stay still and pretend to still be asleep, letting her do what she will. Her touch is tentative but curious, and every time your breathing changes or you shift slightly, she freezes, scared to wake you.

Keeping up the façade of sleep, you sigh heavily and snuggle in closer to her neck, making a happy sleepy sound as you do so.

“O-oh, Y/n...” she breathes out, moving her free hand back around your waist and squeezing you closer to her, making a small noise of contentment.

Fighting back a smile, you press your mouth to the side of Spinel’s neck, and encircle your free arm around her shoulders.

“Y/n... oh gosh, did I wake you up?” she says, interrupting your kiss.

“Mm, no,” you reply in a low, sleepy voice, “I just woke up...”

You pull back to look at Spinel, and smile at the sight you see. Her hair is slightly messy from having been lying down with you for however many hours, and her eyes are heavy and lidded gazing at you, her face slightly flushed.

“You all right?” you ask, propping yourself up on one elbow.

“Heh, ‘course I am, doll. Y’just... stars, I just love bein’ here with ya,” she says, her accent growing heavy.

You shoot her a small smile and reach to squeeze her hand. “Me too,” you reply quietly, “It’s... really comforting, being able to wake up with you like this. Even if it is the middle of the night.”

You look in her eyes before continuing, “And, uh, feeling your touch as I woke up wasn’t terrible, either...”

Spinel smirks, “Oh? You were awake then, huh? Sneaky girl...”

She shifts to position herself over you, and you look up to meet her eyes, your face flushing with heat.

“S-Spinel, what are you...”

“Shh, Y/n... lemme show you how much I appreciate you, now that you’re awake,” she says in a dulcet tone, making your stomach flutter in anticipation. Her hand finds its way to your shoulder, and she lowers herself to kiss your lips, letting out a hum of pleasure as you meet her in the middle.

She moves forward onto you, forcing you to lean back on the ground and letting her take the lead. You love that she’s grown confident enough to act this way around you, and maybe you even enjoy letting her push you around a bit...

You reach up to wrap your arms around her neck, and she growls lowly and pushes against you even more. Your kisses grow hungrier, wanting to make her feel as good as she’s making you feel, but she reaches up to take one of your arms away from her neck and pins your hand to the floor. She breaks the kiss and gives you a look, her eyes narrowed and wild, a telling smirk on her face.

“Now now, doll, be patient, hmm?” she whispers, and you feel arousal pooling in your core at her words.

“I’ve neva done anythin’ with someone before,” she confesses, trailing an idle finger down your face and jawline, never breaking eye contact, “but I know next to nothin’ about humans bodies... let me explore yours,” she finishes, her hand moving lower and lower down your body as she gazes down at you.

“If you’re okay with it, of course,” she adds, her eyes softening briefly. You swallow, your throat suddenly dry, and nod in affirmation.

“I may be nervous, but I’m excited, too,” you tell the Gem, hoping she can read the emotions on your face.

Spinel’s grin widens at that, her eyes growing wild and curious once more.

“Let’s see if we can get rid of some of those nerves, hmm?” she says quietly, leaning down to kiss your cheek. You smile warmly up at her, grateful for her constant reassurance. You try to remember that she’s here with you because she cares about you, not judging you, and that her gaze isn’t something to be feared.

“Lean back again, okay darlin’?” she instructs, and you happily do so, staring up at her in anticipation.

“I just love how you look under me,” she murmurs, stroking your face gently. Your cheeks heat up under her touch, and you have to look away, an embarrassed smile finding its way to your face.

Spinel takes that as her cue to start kissing your neck and sternum once more, and your hands fly to her back before you can stop them, gripping onto her to steady your shaking arms. Every kiss sends twinges through your body, and you let out an involuntary moan.

Spinel pulls back and raises an eyebrow, a proud smile on her face. “You like that, huh?” she purrs, “What else do ya like, love? Humans are just so...interestin’...but I don’t know what makes you feel good, so you have to tell me, yeah?”

She pulls back once more to gauge your reactions, and is met with your blissed-out expression, already on a high from all the contact.

“Well... you're doing excellently already,” you point out, earning a pleased look from the Gem. “B-but...”

You take her hand gently, and move her tentatively to your breast, placing her palm on the side over you shirt and bra.

“I-it feels nice for us when someone touches here, below the clothes. Kind of like how you were touching my arm earlier I guess,” you explain to a wide-eyed Spinel, who has begun to flush a deep magenta, “And, uh.... here as well...”

You part your legs slightly and guide her hand to your shorts, hand trembling.

“But I’m... I would love to just keep doing what we were doing, for now,” you whisper, feeling incredibly shy. “I don’t know if I’m comfortable with all that yet...”

Spinel’s eyes soften, and she moves her hand away from your legs and laces her fingers with yours.

“Hey, I didn’t... I wasn’t expectin’ anything, Y/n. I just wanted to make you feel good, but there’s no pressure, okay? I know enough to guess that stuff like this is really intimate and special for some people, yeah?”

You nod and sit up, and Spinel cups the back of your head gently, gazing into your eyes.

“Thanks, Spins. I’m sorry I’m such a mess,” you reply with a half-hearted chuckle, “I’m just a very nervous person when it comes to this, I guess... but it doesn’t mean I like you any less.”

“Aw, I know, doll. Sorry for pushin’ myself on ya. Guess six thousand years without any contact’ll do that to a Gem,” she jokes with a sad smile.

“You didn’t push, I promise. I was really enjoying myself...” you say, trailing off in thought. Your eyes travel down to her large heart-shaped gem, and suddenly you find yourself curious...

“Speaking of... I’d like to know what makes you feel good, too,” you continue in a lower tone, meeting the Gem’s eyes once more.

“More specifically, what happens if I touch here...?”

You ghost your fingers over Spinel’s gem, and watch as her eyes flutter closed momentarily.

“Y/n, I, uh... it’s a very sensitive part of me,” she explains in a shaky voice, “since it basically is me...”

You graze your thumb over the facets, watching her expression shift as she hums in pleasure. You inch closer to her from your sitting position, moving so you’re sitting cross-legged between her legs, facing her head on.

“Ah... stars,” she breathes out as you continue exploring her gem, your heart leaping every time her face scrunches up in bliss.

“Y’know, I genuinely had no idea your gems could make you feel like this,” you say softly. “Guess this is why I don’t see the Crystal Gems touching them unless they’re poofed...”

“Mmm... I suppose it’s contextual,” Spinel says, opening her eyes to explain, “Gems aren’t exactly... built for this, but since our entire being generates from here, I guess it was inevitable that we would be most sensitive here in moments of heightened emotion.”

“Heh, you sounded a bit like Peridot just then,” you tease, although secretly you’re impressed that she is so knowledgeable about certain aspects of Gem life. You idly wonder how quickly she would have been able to learn things, had she not been regulated to essentially be a jester...

“Heh, at least I’m t-taller than Peridot,” Spinel jokes back, stuttering as you continue your exploration.

You raise an eyebrow at her comment and smirk. “Oh, I’m so telling Peridot about that whenever we get back to Beach City,” you think, biting back a giggle.

Suddenly, an idea forms. “Hey... can I try something? Do you trust me?” you ask gently, momentarily stopping your touches.

“S-sure, doll, I trust ya,” Spinel replies, trying to avoid looking too eager.

You shoot her an innocent smile and lean down, entwining your hands with hers before planting a soft kiss in the middle of her gem.

“H-hah, oh my stars,” she moans out. You sit back up and squeeze her hands, trying to gauge her reaction.

“What did that feel like?” you murmur, genuinely curious.

“It... it just feels so nice,” Spinel breathes, “It’s hard to explain, to a human at least, but um... feels kind of like a hug, and kind of like pinpricks going everywhere.”

“Hmm...”

You smirk as you bend back down, this time peppering slow, deliberate kisses all over her gem. Her hands find their way to your hair, bunching fistfuls as she groans and squirms. After a few moments of this, you sit up once more, gazing at your companion in adoration. Her face is completely flushed, eyes unfocused, staring at nothing. You place one hand on the back of her head and another on her back to steady her, and she goes limp in your arms, her forehead landing on your shoulder.

“Ohmygoodness,” she manages to get out, her voice more breathy than you’ve ever heard it.

“You okay there, Spins?” you ask, slightly concerned that you may have given her too much to handle.

“Y-yeah, I just... wow, that was...” she trails off, unable to finish her sentence.

“Y’know... I think we may have just discovered the Gem orgasm,” you say light-heartedly, stroking the back of Spinel’s hair and rubbing circles into her back.

“What’s an ‘orgasm’?”

You snort and try to hold back laughter, realizing that of course that word would be entirely foreign to her.

“Hmm, well... I think it might be similar to how you were just feeling,” you explain, “In humans, it’s when the pleasure gets to be so intense and it kind of just...explodes all at once.”

You hope that’s an apt enough explanation for now, without going into terms and details that she might not understand.

“Huh... yeah, that might’ve just happened,” she says with a chuckle. Spinel snakes her arms around your waist, still leaning into your shoulder, and gives you that gentle squeeze that you’re becoming all too familiar with.

“I’m so glad I could make you feel good,” you whisper, kissing the back of her head. You sit like that with her for a few minutes, idly tracing patterns on her back and holding her head to you. Your eyebrows shoot up when, after a while, her head starts growing heavier, her grip around your middle going loose.

“Spins, are you falling asleep?” you whisper.

“W-what?” She lifts her head slowly from your shoulder, her face inches away from yours. Her eyes are half-lidded, and she looks almost in a daze.

“Aw, hon, you look exhausted,” you say with a quiet laugh. “I guess that took a lot out of you...”

She sits up fully and rubs at her eyes, blinking a few times. “Sorry doll, I guess so... Heh, I’ve never been tired before,” she says with a smile, and stretches her arms out to you. “You wanna lay down again?”

You nod in response, humming happily as the Gem takes you back into her arms and you move into the position you’d started in, your head on her shoulder, arm draped across her torso. She moves both hands to your shoulders and hums happily as you snuggle into her neck once more.

“Good night, Spinel,” you mumble. “I hope you get some rest, too...”

“Good night, Y/n,” she replies with a whisper, and you both drift off in each other's embrace.

x * x * x * x * x

Unfortunately, the next time you wake isn’t nearly as pleasant.

You awaken with a shiver, feeling cold and very damp. Your eyes fly open as you realize what must be happening.

“Oh, no!” you whine, sitting up in the lean-to. Rain is pouring through the roof, if it can even be called a roof anymore. Almost half the sticks have been blown off the structure, leaving you bared to the open sky.

Spinel sits up beside you, also awakening to the downpour.

“Y/n, we have to get you out of the rain,” she calls over the roar of the heavy drops.

“But the camp-”

“C’mon doll, we can rebuild and find more food later, we just have to get you somewhere dry first!”

You scrunch your face in defiance, but finally sigh and relent. Spinel stands and pulls you to your feet, an arm around your shoulder as if she could protect you from the rain.

“Do you think there’s a cave somewhere on the island?” you call as you head away from your camp into the forest.

“Don’t know, but we’ll check,” Spinel reassures you, “and if we have to, we’ll just find a nice tree to sit under, all right?”

You nod and let the Gem lead you around the island, both keeping your eyes out for a cave or other shelter to wait out the storm in. Spinel shoots you worried looks every now and then, like she’s checking to make sure you’re not dying. You want to roll your eyes at her over-protectiveness, but you can’t help feeling flattered that she cares enough to check in on you.

The longer you rush around the island, the more you start to shiver and shake with the cold. The rain shows no signs of stopping, and even you’re beginning to worry about what this might do to you in the long run.

The island turns out to be bigger than you and Spinel remembered. It feels like you searched up and down the place, but you’re almost positive you went in circles for a while there. The speed and denseness of the rain makes it hard to see very far in front of you, and there aren’t many landmarks you can remember where you’ve been with- it's mostly just trees and beach.

After a couple hours of searching, Spinel stops you under a tree and rolls her eyes at the sky. “Y/n, there’s no cave here. We need to get you dry and warm, or you’ll get sick, right?”

She looks to you for confirmation while rubbing her hands up and down your arms to create some friction. You nod in affirmation and sigh.

“Yeah, all right... it’s gonna be hard to get warm out in the open, though, “you tell her.

Her face betrays how worried she is, but her voice tries to stay strong. “I know, love. I’ll do my best,” she says.

Spinel moves you to a nearby cluster of trees, and immediately wraps you up in her embrace almost completely. You both sit gently on the soaked ground, and you try to condense your body in her arms, hoping to keep what little warmth you generate.

“It’ll be okay, doll,” Spinel murmurs next to you, “The rain’ll stop soon and I’ll build ya another fire real quick, yeah?”

You nod in between shivers, giving her what you hope to be a reassuring smile.

“Don’t worry about me, ok? I’ll be all right...”

You sit in silence for some time, the steady sound of rain and the feeling of being wrapped in your Gem’s arms making you feel quite drowsy. You doze in and out for a while, waking every time shivers wrack your body.

At some point, Spinel nudges you awake, having unwrapped one arm from you.

“Doll, the rain has slowed some. I had an idea- I'll run around the island some more and look for better shelter, I can move faster on my own. You wait here and I’ll be back in fifteen or twenty minutes no matter what, okay? If I don’t find anythin’ I’ll come straight back and keep ya warm some more.”

“That sounds good, Spins... just hurry, okay?”

Spinel nods once and springs up, rushing off into the tree line.

“She was right- she is faster on her own,” you think as you watch her sprint away. The minutes pass, and you lose track of how long she’s been gone. This day has been passing in a rainy haze, and with you feeling as poorly as you are, time has felt strange as it often does when you’re becoming sick.

“Oh no,” you think as you realize, “I’m getting sick, aren’t I... this is bad.”

You try not to fret too much as you wait for Spinel to return, rationalizing that it might just be the cold rain that’s making you feel this way, and that you’ll feel better once you’re somewhere warm again.

“Y/n!”

You hear Spinel before you see her, as she rushes up from behind the tree you’re leaning on.

“I found a cave, kind of! It’s more of a giant overhanging rock, but it’s dry and I can build you a fire there, okay?”

You grin at her and move to stand, and she races to support you, placing one hand in yours and another on your back.

“Thank you, Spinel,” you say softly, genuine gratitude plain in your voice.

“Yeah, yeah, I know I’m great,” she jokes with a grin, beginning to lead you towards her newfound shelter, “but let’s save the thanks for after you’re dry, hmm?”

With that she shows you to the overhang, towards the top of the island. No wonder you hadn’t seen this, your camp was to the southwest and if you had been going in circles all morning, you definitely hadn’t gotten up to the north part of the forest.

Eventually you reach the temporary shelter, and you plop back down on the ground, hugging yourself to try to keep warm again. The rain had slowed but hadn’t stopped, and the wind chill more than made up for the lighter downpour- you were freezing.

“You stay right there toots, okay? I’ll build ya a fire,” Spinel says, worry plain in her voice as she rushes to pick up any dry sticks she can find.

You watch her with a small smile, grateful to have her companionship and help.

“It’s silly... she’s the reason I’m stuck here in the first place, but... I guess everything turned out okay. I’m almost glad she brought me here,” you think idly as Spinel works.

The exhaustion from shivering for hours catches up to you, and you lean your head against the rock wall, telling yourself you’ll just close your eyes for a moment...

You wake to the soft pitter-patter of slow rain, and the crackling heat of a fire nearby. Finally, you feel warm again. You smile as you realize Spinel has moved you from the wall and rested your head gently in her lap, far enough away from the fire to avoid rogue embers, but close enough that you can still feel it’s warmth.

In fact, you’re almost too warm. You scrunch your forehead in confusion and sit up, your head spinning slightly.

“O-oh, Y/n! Hey there,” Spinel greets you. She reaches out and places a hand on your shoulder, “How are ya feeling?”

“Fine, I think? I’m just really warm,” you say, glancing back towards the fire. “How long have I been asleep?”

“An hour or two, maybe? It’s midday, I think,” Spinel replies, glancing out towards the forest. “Rain hasn’t stopped completely, so it’s hard to tell.”

“Guess we’re stuck here a while,” you say, following her gaze to the rainy island. “Ugh, it really is hot though...”

You move to stand, and your vision blurs, head spinning. You sway on your feet a moment and reach out a hand, trying to regain your balance. Spinel springs up to steady you, and you can see the concern plain on her face.

“Aw, I’m okay, Spins, just a head rush from standing up too quickly,” you reassure her.

But as you move to step away from the fire and Spinel relinquishes your arm, your knees buckle and you collapse, hitting the floor with a dull thud.

“Y/n!!”

#spinel #pas de deux #spinel x reader #spinel steven universe #spinel fanfiction #spinel fic #spinel x reader fic #spinel reader #spinel x reader fanfiction #steven universe #semi-nsfw #suggestive #suggestive content

300 notes · View notes

welcometothebookreport · 4 years ago

Photo

In 2020, I read 40 books (with maybe a few more to be added after I post this) after discovering my love of reading all over again. I am not a very hard reader to please, so it will be rare for me to rate a book with a low score, so I doubt you’ll ever see any criticism from me. So, here we go!

A few things before I start: There are three series in this list (but technically only two, because I’ve only read Serpent & Dove so far) but I’ve limited myself to no repeat authors. That must have been the hardest part for me. Since Jessi went the extra mile and ranked them in order, I’ve decided to make myself suffer the same. And while most of these were not published in 2020, they were read in 2020.

I am (sometimes) a picky reader, but any book that is on this list, I have loved. I chose not to rate them because honestly, they would have all been high. I give ratings easily, and try not to pick things apart even for books I truly did not like.

Please keep in mind that I do my best to add trigger warnings, but you should always check for certain triggers before reading. Triggers vary for everyone.

10. Saint Anything by Sarah Dessen

Warnings: There’s a male character that’s a creep and you’ll spot him as soon as you crack this one open. This tale deals with Peyton being sentenced to prison, and their mother practically glossing over what he’s done by victim blaming.

I have read Dessen’s books since I was 13 and I truly still enjoy her stories as much as I did then. While this was a re-read for me, it’s a tie for my favorite book of hers. It’s tied with Along For the Ride.

Sydney is left in the aftermath after her older brother, Peyton, is sentenced to prison after a drunk driving accident that paralyzes a boy. Formerly in his shadow, Sydney struggles to discover what it is she wants, and how she wants to be seen as her own mother seems to gloss right over her. It’s a YA read that always feels like more than the romance that originally interested me.

9. Serpent & Dove by Shelby Mahurin

Warnings: Misogyny. The church and religion plays an extremely heavy part of this plot, which was hard for me to get into. It’s clear that some characters do not value women in their actions and words toward Lou. It made me uncomfortable in spots because I just wanted to get past it, but I plan to read this one again since I know that it won’t bother me this time! Still, there is: violence in parts, religious zealots (in case that’s something that makes you uncomfortable like it did me), derogatory slurs toward women, and again, misogyny.

I finished this one two days ago, and I sincerely cannot wait to dig into the sequel. Lou is a witty, snappy character that was such a breath of fresh air from the normal. You usually see the male lead that’s a bit crude, a bit quick to pull the trigger, and the one that’s harder to crack. Is that what happened here? Absolutely fucking not. Shelby Mahurin took something I loved, enemies to lovers, and kicked its ass. Forced marriage? UM YES. A witch and a witch-hunter? Mortal enemies? Characters that can never possibly love each other? DONE DONE DONE.

It’s hilarious in parts. Serious when it needs to be. A bit spicy too, while not a lot, which I certainly appreciate. Reid’s character development is a wonder to watch, at least for me, and by the end of the book, I am so in love with him that I don’t know what to do with myself. I have so many annotations for this novel.

8. The Shadows Between Us by Tricia Levenseller

Warnings: There’s a fair bout of murder. Women are expected not to take lovers before marriage while men are not held to the same standard. Gross. Allessandra is continually underestimated so let me say: let the women do the work.

It’s called the Slytherin romance we’ve been waiting for, and I agree. While this is a shorter read, and a standalone, I was pleased with it. Both characters are incredibly ambitious, but it’s Allessandra that steals the show. The plan? To enter the palace, woo the king, and then kill him in order to take his kingdom. She’s wicked in all the ways I love.

I loved this book, and each page, but this was the line that will make me return to it: “I’m not a trollop,” I announce to the empty room. “I’m a sexually empowered woman, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

The Folk of the Air Series by Holly Black

Warnings: Aside from murder, there’s nothing that stands out to me as a trigger.

A series! The first! There’s something interesting about this series for me, and it’s that I didn’t fall in love altogether, all at once. It was gradual, like wading into water until it went right over my head. By the final fourth of The Cruel Prince, I was fully invested in this world and I absolutely needed to know how Jude and Cardan would become, well, Jude and Cardan.

As a YA series, I was not expecting the sheer amount of mystery, political intrigue, and plot twists that came with this series. However, I never knew what was going to happen, and if I did guess what was coming, Black had at least two more twists to send me for a loop. The Queen of Nothing was likely my favorite book of the series, with The Wicked King as a close second.

6. Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston

Warnings: Discussion of attempted non-con assault, forced disclosure of sexuality

I laughed until my eyes watered and I nearly cried in this book. Delightfully funny, and snappy, RW&B delivers on everything I didn’t know that I needed. I had never read a book where LGBTQ was represented in such a positive light. As someone raised in a more conservative household, I’ve known my own sexual orientation for a long time, but this book made me feel like I could relax in my skin because this story was stunning.

Alex and Henry left me with so much hope that it’s impossible to ever put the lid back on. I’m so happy I read this.

(oh, god, we’re in the final five.)

5. The Caraval Series by Stephanie Garber

Warnings: Physical and emotional child abuse.

I could dedicate multiple posts to this series. Maybe I still will. While this is at number five, it’s my favorite series I’ve ever read. If I could only have one series to read for the rest of my life, I would choose this one. Hands down. Full stop. These characters live in my head constantly and I would give an obscene amount of things to read it all over again for the first time. I actually read this with two of my closest friends in our many book club, and we all loved it.

Doused in magic, this world is unveiled to us with excellent descriptions. Truly, Garber owned my heart within a few chapters. Scarlett is the elder sister, Tella the younger, and if you don’t love Tella by the end of Caraval, I promise you will. I know because I was skeptical, but here I am. I’ve said it to my friends, but Scarlett is the one who holds my hair while I have a hangover. Tella is the one that helps me start the bar fight.

With non-stop turns, and magic, everything comes to life on these pages. And the romance, the romance. Please, please give me my great love in this style. It’s not too much to ask for, is it?

4. Letters to the Lost by Brigid Kemmerer

Warnings: loss of sibling, loss of parent, alcoholism, mention of infidelity, mentions of previous physical and emotional child abuse.

Mae sent this recommendation to me, and I devoured all of Kemmer’s books post-haste. Declan and Juliet fall in love without knowing who the other is, while also not liking the real version of their penpal. Juliet has lost her mother, and she’s treading water, but not well. Declan has suffered in the years that follow a family tragedy, and he’s not adapting to life with his new step-father.

But he opens with CemetaryGirl (Juliet) and it’s raw in the best of ways, and the openness between them that eventually moves from their bubble to reality is one of the most pleasing things to read. I’ve read it twice this year. I will read it again next year too.

I also read this twice this year and will for sure be reading it again in 2021.

3. The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

Warnings: Child abuse.

This was another novel that I fell in love with as I went, and that’s definitely because of the non-linear narrative. It was a little confusing, but I’m going to read it again someday since I know everything now! I read this to follow-up to Caraval with my book club pals, and it’s just what I needed to leave Caraval behind. Marco and Celia are incredible and I absolutely believe that the ending of this novel is one of the best endings I’ve ever read.

My book club has not finished this book entirely this so I’m not sharing any spoilers, but I would like to share one of my favorite quotes. “What did you wish for?” “I wished for her.”

2. Next Year in Havana by Chanel Cleeton

Warnings: Cuba is in the middle of a revolution, and it’s tense in parts. There are some bittersweet elements and I think the parts of the ending are like the punch in the gut you need in order to wake you up and remember to live.

This was my first read once I really dug back into this hobby in August. It was picked by Reese Witherspoon for her book club, and she always picks good books. This is a dual timeline romance, and mystery. It’s an absolute stunner of a book. It’s a dear favorite to me now. I’ve never been to Cubs, or heard stories, but Cleeton manages to make you feel like you’re right there feeling saltwater spray across your face.

The romance made me feel breathless, but truly it’s the strong familial ties that make this such a beautiful gem. It leaves you with hope even in the dark and with love in the absence of it. I could scream about this book for the rest of my life, which I absolutely intend to do.

Favorite line? “You’re going to be difficult to walk away from, aren’t you?” “I hope so.”

1 In A Holidaze by Christina Lauren

Warnings? There are none that strike me. This is a lighthearted read that pulls at the heartstrings, but it’s by no means short on the laughs. And, I’m sorry for the long wall of text below.

In A Holidaze is the story of a woman stuck in her ways of never going after what she truly wants until a stray wish lands her in a time loop over the holidays. It's only after repeating the same day a few times that she quite literally says "fuck this," and starts living for HER. I really expected this to just be a Hallmark kind of read, but it was SO MUCH MORE. You should read it, even if it's after the holidays.

It's witty, and heart-wrenching, and it's just everything I didn't know I needed. Mae is snarky, and brave when she figures out that there is nothing stopping her, and the romance is - GODDAMN. Andrew. I need an Andrew and a fan.

It's not quite a love triangle, which was what I expected and I was so pleasantly surprised. I have grinned like a goddamn fool all day. I have giggled all day in front of customers, and my co-workers. I have nearly CRIED in my bedroom when my heart fell out of my ass and landed somewhere near my ankles, because hello, it's gonna get you.

This is going on my yearly re-read list for the holidays.

In the two days since I’ve finished, I’ve convinced my two friends in book club to read it, convinced Jessi to order it from Book of the Month Club, convinced another friend to read it, and bought it for Mae on Christmas day because her library had a six month hold and that was simply unacceptable.

#kelseyreads #2020 Top 10 Reads

3 notes · View notes

arplis · 4 years ago

Text

Arplis - News: 2021 LGBTQ Books by Black Authors to Preorder (And 10 That Are Already Out)

Black LGBTQ books got a bump in June of 2020. With the George Floyd protests at their peak and Pride month still happening, lists of queer Black books to buy or preorder built up steam on social media. You Should See Me in a Crown, a Black YA F/F novel, was sold out everywhere. Unfortunately, this follows a pattern that Black and LGBTQ books often see: a peak during Black History Month or Pride month, but forgotten in between. Or, a hateful act will make the news, whether it’s police brutality or violent transphobia or a worrying new law, book lists will go around Twitter, authors will be in the strange position of profiting during a horrible moment for their community, and then public attention will shift to something else. Obviously, these authors deserve support throughout the year. Black LGBTQ novels are still underrepresented — and besides, there are some incredible titles coming out this year even without considering how important the representation is. Not long ago, it would be easy to keep track of all the Black LGBTQ books coming out — or even traditionally published LGBTQ books in general — but luckily, we’re approaching a point where there are enough that you can accidentally overlook a title. Preordering is a great way to both support authors and give your future self a treat! By preordering now, you can help the author, make sure you won’t forget to buy the title, and get fun things in the mail throughout the year. It’s win-win-win! Of course, if you are impatient, there are some Black LGBTQ 2021 titles that are already out, which I will include at the end of the post. You have to read something while you’re waiting for these books to publish, after all! I’ve arranged these by publication date, noted the genre in the title spot, and have indicated the kind of LGBTQ representation included whenever possible. The descriptions are from the publishers. Some of these titles may not yet be set up for preorders: put those on your calendar to order as soon as it’s possible! 29 Black LGBTQ Books to Preorder in 2021 Black Boy Out of Time: A Memoir by Hari Ziyad (March 1, Memoir) One of nineteen children in a blended family, Hari Ziyad was raised by a Hindu Hare Kṛṣṇa mother and a Muslim father. Through reframing their own coming-of-age story, Ziyad takes readers on a powerful journey of growing up queer and Black in Cleveland, Ohio, and of navigating the equally complex path toward finding their true self in New York City. Exploring childhood, gender, race, and the trust that is built, broken, and repaired through generations, Ziyad investigates what it means to live beyond the limited narratives Black children are given and challenges the irreconcilable binaries that restrict them. Heartwarming and heart-wrenching, radical and reflective, Hari Ziyad’s vital memoir is for the outcast, the unheard, the unborn, and the dead. It offers us a new way to think about survival and the necessary disruption of social norms. It looks back in tenderness as well as justified rage, forces us to address where we are now, and, born out of hope, illuminates the possibilities for the future. Queer man How to Dispatch a Human by Stephanie Andrea Allen (March 2, Short Story Collection) In this daring collection of speculative fiction, Stephanie Andrea Allen attends to the lives of Black women, mostly lesbian or queer, all keenly aware of the forces seeking to consume them. A Black lesbian working the gig economy runs into a trio of motorized scooters and helps them escape from Earth. An enchanted sleep mask gives a woman the gift of slumber, but what will it cost her? A suburban housewife is framed for murder by her homophobic neighbor. And in the follow up to “Luna 6000,” a young woman investigates her mother’s untimely death, and learns the truth about her family. How to Dispatch a Human: Stories and Suggestions is an unapologetic, often humorous, foray into the quotidian magic that envelops Black women’s lives. The eleven stories in this collection are filled with characters who will entice and delight readers as they traverse the worlds around them. With a mix of fabulism, near future, and speculative fictions, Allen reminds us in exquisitely nuanced prose that the fantastical can be found amongst the ordinary. Lesbian and queer women characters Pleasure and Spice (How Sweet It Is #6) by Fiona Zedde (March 2, Erotica) Mayson and Renée are best friends. Two women who’ve known each other for a lifetime and are as different as they are close. Mayson is a free-spirited and out lesbian, and very much desired in her Southern California queer community. Renée, straight and sheltered, is just getting out of a difficult divorce and searching for an escape from her pain. While Mayson slips in and out of affairs, taking pleasure where it bites the sweetest, Renée steps into a dangerous game of anonymous sex-by-dark that transports her to places she’d never dreamed. But the worlds of these two friends are heading for a dramatic collision. At the end of it all, will they or their friendship, survive? **A version of this was previously published as Dangerous Pleasures** F/F relationship Learned Reactions (Higher Education #2) by Jayce Ellis (March 9, Romance) Carlton Monroe is finally getting his groove back. After a year playing dad to his nephew and sending him safely off to college, it’s back to his bachelor ways. But when his teenaged niece shows up on his doorstep looking for a permanent home, his plan comes to a screeching halt. Family is everything, and in the eyes of social services, a couple makes a better adoptive family than an overworked bachelor father. A fake relationship with his closest friend is the best way to keep his family together. If things between him and Deion are complicated, well, it only needs to last until the end of the semester. Living with Carlton is a heartbreak waiting to happen, and once the adoption goes through, Deion’s out. He’s waited two decades for Carlton to realize they’re meant for each other, and he’s done. It’s time to make a clean break. But it’s hard to think of moving away when keeping up the act includes some very real perks like kissing, cuddling and sharing a bed. Even the best charades must come to an end, though. As the holidays and Deion’s departure date loom, the two men must decide whether playing house is enough for them—or if there’s any chance they could be a family for real. M/M relationship Black Girl, Call Home by Jasmine Mans (March 9, Poetry) From spoken word poet Jasmine Mans comes an unforgettable poetry collection about race, feminism, and queer identity. With echoes of Gwendolyn Brooks and Sonia Sanchez, Mans writes to call herself—and us—home. Each poem explores what it means to be a daughter of Newark, and America—and the painful, joyous path to adulthood as a young, queer Black woman. Black Girl, Call Home is a love letter to the wandering Black girl and a vital companion to any woman on a journey to find truth, belonging, and healing. Queer woman Bruised by Tanya Boteju (March 23, YA Contemporary) Whip It meets We Are Okay in this vibrant coming-of-age story, about a teen girl navigates first love, identity, and grief when she immerses herself in the colorful, brutal, beautiful world of roller derby—from the acclaimed author of Kings, Queens, and In-Betweens. To Daya Wijesinghe, a bruise is a mixture of comfort and control. Since her parents died in an accident she survived, bruises have become a way to keep her pain on the surface of her skin so she doesn’t need to deal with the ache deep in her heart. So when chance and circumstances bring her to a roller derby bout, Daya is hooked. Yes, the rules are confusing and the sport seems to require the kind of teamwork and human interaction Daya generally avoids. But the opportunities to bruise are countless, and Daya realizes that if she’s going to keep her emotional pain at bay, she’ll need all the opportunities she can get. The deeper Daya immerses herself into the world of roller derby, though, the more she realizes it’s not the simple physical pain-fest she was hoping for. Her rough-and-tumble teammates and their fans push her limits in ways she never imagined, bringing Daya to big truths about love, loss, strength, and healing. F/F relationship The Unbroken (Magic of the Lost #1) by C.L. Clark (March 23, Fantasy) In an epic fantasy unlike any other, two women clash in a world full of rebellion, espionage, and military might on the far outreaches of a crumbling desert empire. Touraine is a soldier. Stolen as a child and raised to kill and die for the empire, her only loyalty is to her fellow conscripts. But now, her company has been sent back to her homeland to stop a rebellion, and the ties of blood may be stronger than she thought. Luca needs a turncoat. Someone desperate enough to tiptoe the bayonet’s edge between treason and orders. Someone who can sway the rebels toward peace, while Luca focuses on what really matters: getting her uncle off her throne. Through assassinations and massacres, in bedrooms and war rooms, Touraine and Luca will haggle over the price of a nation. But some things aren’t for sale. 2 queer women main characters Sweethand by N.G. Peltier (March 30, Romance) After a public meltdown over her breakup from her cheating musician boyfriend, Cherisse swore off guys in the music industry, and dating in general for a while, preferring to focus on growing her pastry chef business. When Cherisse’s younger sister reveals she’s getting married in a few months, Cherisse hopes that will distract her mother enough to quit harassing her about finding a guy, settling down and having kids. But her mother’s matchmaking keeps intensifying. Cherisse tries to humour her mother, hoping if she feigns interest in the eligible bachelors she keeps tossing her way, she’ll be off the hook, but things don’t quite go as planned. Turns out for the first time in ages, she and Keiran King, the most annoying man ever, are on the island at the same time. Avoiding him is impossible, especially when Keiran’s close friend is the one marrying her sister, and he’s the best man to her maid of honour. Keiran doesn’t know what to make of Cherisse now. They’ve always butted heads. To him she’s always been a stuck-up brat who seeks attention, even while he secretly harbored a crush on her. Now with Cherisse’s sister marrying one of his good friends he can’t escape her as the wedding activities keep throwing them together. When things turn heated after a rainy night of bedroom fun, they both have to figure out if they can survive the countdown to wedding day, without this turning into a recipe for disaster. Bisexual man (M/F relationship) I’m a Wild Seed by Sharon Lee De La Cruz (April 6, Graphic Memoir) A collection of lively autobiographical comics guiding the reader through an understanding of queerness and what it means to one woman of color. In this delightfully compelling full-color graphic memoir, the author shares her process of undoing the effects of a patriarchal, colonial society on her self-image, her sexuality, and her concept of freedom. Reflecting on the ways in which oppression was the cause for her late bloom into queerness, we are invited to discover people and things in the author’s life that helped shape and inform her LGBTQ identity. And we come to an understanding of her holistic definition of queerness. Queer woman The Essential June Jordan Edited Jan Heller Levi and Christoph Keller (May 4, Poetry) The Essential June Jordan honors the enduring legacy of a poet fiercely dedicated to building a better world. In this definitive volume, introduced by Pulitzer Prize winner Jericho Brown, June Jordan’s generous body of poetry is distilled and curated to represent the very best of her works. Written over the span of several decades―from Some Changes in 1971 to Last Poems in 2001―Jordan’s poems are at once of their era and tragically current, with subject matter including racist police brutality, violence against women, and the opportunity for global solidarity amongst people who are marginalized or outside of the norm. In these poems of great immediacy and radical kindness, humor and embodied candor, readers will (re)discover a voice that has inspired generations of contemporary poets to write their truths. June Jordan is a powerful voice of the time-honored movement for justice, a poet for the ages. Introduced by Jericho Brown, winner of the 2020 Pulitzer prize in poetry. Bisexual woman Renunciations by Donika Kelly (May 4, Poetry) An extraordinary collection of endurance and transformation by the award-winning author of Bestiary The Renunciations is a book of resilience, survival, and the journey to radically shift one’s sense of self in the face of trauma. Moving between a childhood marked by love and abuse and the breaking marriage of that adult child, Donika Kelly charts memory and the body as landscapes to be traversed and tended. These poems construct life rafts and sanctuaries even in their most devastating confrontations with what a person can bear, with how families harm themselves. With the companionship of “the oracle”―an observer of memory who knows how each close call with oblivion ends―the act of remembrance becomes curative, and personal mythologies give way to a future defined less by wounds than by possibility. In this gorgeous and heartrending second collection, we find the home one builds inside oneself after reckoning with a legacy of trauma―a home whose construction starts “with a razing.” Lesbian author Meet Cute Diary by Emery Lee (May 4, YA Contemporary) Noah Ramirez thinks he’s an expert on romance. He has to be for his popular blog, the Meet Cute Diary, a collection of trans happily ever afters. There’s just one problem—all the stories are fake. What started as the fantasies of a trans boy afraid to step out of the closet has grown into a beacon of hope for trans readers across the globe. When a troll exposes the blog as fiction, Noah’s world unravels. The only way to save the Diary is to convince everyone that the stories are true, but he doesn’t have any proof. Then Drew walks into Noah’s life, and the pieces fall into place: Drew is willing to fake-date Noah to save the Diary. But when Noah’s feelings grow beyond their staged romance, he realizes that dating in real life isn’t quite the same as finding love on the page. In this charming novel by Emery Lee, Noah will have to choose between following his own rules for love or discovering that the most romantic endings are the ones that go off script. Trans man, M/M relationship Sorrowland by Rivers Solomon (May 4, Science Fiction) Vern―seven months pregnant and desperate to escape the strict religious compound where she was raised―flees for the shelter of the woods. There, she gives birth to twins, and plans to raise them far from the influence of the outside world. But even in the forest, Vern is a hunted woman. Forced to fight back against the community that refuses to let her go, she unleashes incredible brutality far beyond what a person should be capable of, her body wracked by inexplicable and uncanny changes. To understand her metamorphosis and to protect her small family, Vern has to face the past, and more troublingly, the future―outside the woods. Finding the truth will mean uncovering the secrets of the compound she fled but also the violent history in America that produced it. Rivers Solomon’s Sorrowland is a genre-bending work of Gothic fiction. Here, monsters aren’t just individuals, but entire nations. It is a searing, seminal book that marks the arrival of a bold, unignorable voice in American fiction. Queer, non-binary author (not sure of specific representation, likely F/F) A Master of Djinn by P. Djèlí Clark (May 11, Fantasy) Cairo, 1912: Though Fatma el-Sha’arawi is the youngest woman working for the Ministry of Alchemy, Enchantments and Supernatural Entities, she’s certainly not a rookie, especially after preventing the destruction of the universe last summer. So when someone murders a secret brotherhood dedicated to one of the most famous men in history, al-Jahiz, Agent Fatma is called onto the case. Al-Jahiz transformed the world forty years ago when he opened up the veil between the magical and mundane realms, before vanishing into the unknown. This murderer claims to be al-Jahiz, returned to condemn the modern age for its social oppressions. His dangerous magical abilities instigate unrest in the streets of Cairo that threaten to spill over onto the global stage. Alongside her Ministry colleagues and a familiar person from her past, Agent Fatma must unravel the mystery behind this imposter to restore peace to the city―or face the possibility he could be exactly who he seems… F/F relationship Thanks a Lot, Universe by Chad Lucas (May 11, Middle Grade Contemporary) Brian has always been anxious, whether at home, or in class, or on the basketball court. His dad tries to get him to stand up for himself and his mom helps as much as she can, but after he and his brother are placed in foster care, Brian starts having panic attacks. And he doesn’t know if things will ever be normal again . . . Ezra’s always been popular. He’s friends with most of the kids on his basketball team, even Brian, who usually keeps to himself. But now, some of his friends have been acting differently, and Brian seems to be pulling away. Ezra wants to help, but he worries if he’s too nice to Brian, his friends will realize that he has a crush on him . . . But when Brian and his brother run away, Ezra has no choice but to take the leap and reach out. Both boys have to decide if they’re willing to risk sharing parts of themselves they’d rather hide. But if they can be brave, they might just find the best in themselves and each other. M/M crush Punch Me Up to the Gods: A Memoir by Brian Broome (May 28, Memoir) Punch Me Up to the Gods introduces a powerful new talent in Brian Broome, whose early years growing up in Ohio as a dark-skinned Black boy harboring crushes on other boys propel forward this gorgeous, aching, and unforgettable debut. Brian’s recounting of his experiences—in all their cringe-worthy, hilarious, and heartbreaking glory—reveal a perpetual outsider awkwardly squirming to find his way in. Indiscriminate sex and escalating drug use help to soothe his hurt, young psyche, usually to uproarious and devastating effect. A no-nonsense mother and broken father play crucial roles in our misfit’s origin story. But it is Brian’s voice in the retelling that shows the true depth of vulnerability for young Black boys that is often quietly near to bursting at the seams. Cleverly framed around Gwendolyn Brooks’s poem “We Real Cool,” the iconic and loving ode to Black boyhood, Punch Me Up to the Gods is at once playful, poignant, and wholly original. Broome’s writing brims with swagger and sensitivity, bringing an exquisite and fresh voice to ongoing cultural conversations about Blackness in America. Queer man Off the Record by Camryn Garrett (May 18, YA Contemporary) Ever since seventeen-year-old Josie Wright can remember, writing has been her identity, the thing that grounds her when everything else is a garbage fire. So when she wins a contest to write a celebrity profile for Deep Focus magazine, she’s equal parts excited and scared, but also ready. She’s got this. Soon Josie is jetting off on a multi-city tour, rubbing elbows with sparkly celebrities, frenetic handlers, stone-faced producers, and eccentric stylists. She even finds herself catching feelings for the subject of her profile, dazzling young newcomer Marius Canet. Josie’s world is expanding so rapidly, she doesn’t know whether she’s flying or falling. But when a young actress lets her in on a terrible secret, the answer is clear: she’s in over her head. One woman’s account leads to another and another. Josie wants to expose the man responsible, but she’s reluctant to speak up, unsure if this is her story to tell. What if she lets down the women who have entrusted her with their stories? What if this ends her writing career before it even begins? There are so many reasons not to go ahead, but if Josie doesn’t step up, who will? From the author of Full Disclosure, this is a moving testament to the #MeToo movement, and all the ways women stand up for each other. Bisexual woman How to Find a Princess (Runaway Royals #2) by Alyssa Cole (May 25, Romance) New York Times and USA Today bestseller Alyssa Cole’s second Runaway Royals novel is a queer Anastasia retelling, featuring a long-lost princess who finds love with the female investigator tasked with tracking her down. Makeda Hicks has lost her job and her girlfriend in one fell swoop. The last thing she’s in the mood for is to rehash the story of her grandmother’s infamous summer fling with a runaway prince from Ibarania, or the investigator from the World Federation of Monarchies tasked with searching for Ibarania’s missing heir. Yet when Beznaria Chetchevaliere crashes into her life, the sleek and sexy investigator exudes exactly the kind of chaos that organized and efficient Makeda finds irresistible, even if Bez is determined to drag her into a world of royal duty Makeda wants nothing to do with. When a threat to her grandmother’s livelihood pushes Makeda to agree to return to Ibarania, Bez takes her on a transatlantic adventure with a crew of lovable weirdos, a fake marriage, and one-bed hijinks on the high seas. When they finally make it to Ibarania, they realize there’s more at stake than just cash and crown, and Makeda must learn what it means to fight for what she desires and not what she feels bound to by duty. F/F relationship Ace of Spades by Faridah Àbíké-Íyímídé (June 1, YA Thriller) All you need to know is . . . I’m here to divide and conquer. Like all great tyrants do. ―Aces When two Niveus Private Academy students, Devon Richards and Chiamaka Adebayo, are selected to be part of the elite school’s senior class prefects, it looks like their year is off to an amazing start. After all, not only does it look great on college applications, but it officially puts each of them in the running for valedictorian, too. Shortly after the announcement is made, though, someone who goes by Aces begins using anonymous text messages to reveal secrets about the two of them that turn their lives upside down and threaten every aspect of their carefully planned futures. As Aces shows no sign of stopping, what seemed like a sick prank quickly turns into a dangerous game, with all the cards stacked against them. Can Devon and Chiamaka stop Aces before things become incredibly deadly? Gay man and lesbian main characters Dead Dead Girls by Nekesa Afia (June 1, Mystery) Harlem, 1926. Young black women like Louise Lloyd are ending up dead. Following a harrowing kidnapping ordeal when she was in her teens, Louise is doing everything she can to maintain a normal life. She’s succeeding, too. She spends her days working at Maggie’s Café and her nights at the Zodiac, Harlem’s hottest speakeasy. Louise’s friends, especially her girlfriend, Rosa Maria Moreno, might say she’s running from her past and the notoriety that still stalks her, but don’t tell her that. When a girl turns up dead in front of the café, Louise is forced to confront something she’s been trying to ignore—two other local black girls have been murdered in the past few weeks. After an altercation with a police officer gets her arrested, Louise is given an ultimatum: She can either help solve the case or wind up in a jail cell. Louise has no choice but to investigate and soon finds herself toe-to-toe with a murderous mastermind hell-bent on taking more lives, maybe even her own…. Sapphic main character The Passing Playbook by Isaac Fitzsimons (June 1, YA Contemporary) Fifteen-year-old Spencer Harris is a proud nerd, an awesome big brother, and a David Beckham in training. He’s also transgender. After transitioning at his old school leads to a year of isolation and bullying, Spencer gets a fresh start at Oakley, the most liberal private school in Ohio. At Oakley, Spencer seems to have it all: more accepting classmates, a decent shot at a starting position on the boys’ soccer team, great new friends, and maybe even something more than friendship with one of his teammates. The problem is, no one at Oakley knows Spencer is trans—he’s passing. But when a discriminatory law forces Spencer’s coach to bench him, Spencer has to make a choice: cheer his team on from the sidelines or publicly fight for his right to play, even though it would mean coming out to everyone—including the guy he’s falling for. Trans man, M/M relationship Filthy Animals by Brandon Taylor (June 22, Short Story Collection) In the series of linked stories at the heart of Filthy Animals, set among young creatives in the American Midwest, a young man treads delicate emotional waters as he navigates a series of sexually fraught encounters with two dancers in an open relationship, forcing him to weigh his vulnerabilities against his loneliness. In other stories, a young woman battles with the cancers draining her body and her family; menacing undercurrents among a group of teenagers explode in violence on a winter night; a little girl tears through a house like a tornado, driving her babysitter to the brink; and couples feel out the jagged edges of connection, comfort, and cruelty. One of the breakout literary stars of 2020, Brandon Taylor has been hailed by Roxane Gay as “a writer who wields his craft in absolutely unforgettable ways.” With Filthy Animals he renews and expands on the promise made in Real Life, training his precise and unsentimental gaze on the tensions among friends and family, lovers and others. Psychologically taut and quietly devastating, Filthy Animals is a tender portrait of the fierce longing for intimacy, the lingering presence of pain, and the desire for love in a world that seems, more often than not, to withhold it. LGBTQ characters Darling by K. Ancrum (June 23, YA Fantasy) A teen girl finds herself lost on a dangerous adventure in this YA thriller by the acclaimed author of The Wicker King and The Weight of the Stars―reimagining Peter Pan for today’s world. On Wendy Darling’s first night in Chicago, a boy called Peter appears at her window. He’s dizzying, captivating, beautiful―so she agrees to join him for a night on the town. Wendy thinks they’re heading to a party, but instead they’re soon running in the city’s underground. She makes friends―a punk girl named Tinkerbelle and the lost boys Peter watches over. And she makes enemies―the terrifying Detective Hook, and maybe Peter himself, as his sinister secrets start coming to light. Can Wendy find the courage to survive this night―and make sure everyone else does, too? Multiple queer side characters, including asexual, lesbian, and bisexual characters This Poison Heart by Kalynn Bayron (June 29, YA Fantasy) Briseis has a gift: she can grow plants from tiny seeds to rich blooms with a single touch. When Briseis’s aunt dies and wills her a dilapidated estate in rural New York, Bri and her parents decide to leave Brooklyn behind for the summer. Hopefully there, surrounded by plants and flowers, Bri will finally learn to control her gift. But their new home is sinister in ways they could never have imagined–it comes with a specific set of instructions, an old-school apothecary, and a walled garden filled with the deadliest botanicals in the world that can only be entered by those who share Bri’s unique family lineage. When strangers begin to arrive on their doorstep, asking for tinctures and elixirs, Bri learns she has a surprising talent for creating them. One of the visitors is Marie, a mysterious young woman who Bri befriends, only to find that Marie is keeping dark secrets about the history of the estate and its surrounding community. There is more to Bri’s sudden inheritance than she could have imagined, and she is determined to uncover it . . . until a nefarious group comes after her in search of a rare and dangerous immortality elixir. Up against a centuries-old curse and the deadliest plant on earth, Bri must harness her gift to protect herself and her family. From the bestselling author of Cinderella Is Dead comes another inspiring and deeply compelling story about a young woman with the power to conquer the dark forces descending around her. Queer woman Rise to the Sun by Leah Johnson (July 6, YA) A stunning novel about being brave enough to be true to yourself, and learning to find joy even when times are unimaginably dark. Three days. Two girls. One life-changing music festival. Toni is grieving the loss of her roadie father and needing to figure out where her life will go from here — and she’s desperate to get back to loving music. Olivia is a hopeless romantic whose heart has just taken a beating (again) and is beginning to feel like she’ll always be a square peg in a round hole — but the Farmland Music and Arts Festival is a chance to find a place where she fits. The two collide and it feels like something like kismet when a bond begins to form. But when something goes wrong and the festival is sent into a panic, Olivia and Toni will find that they need each other (and music) more than they ever imagined. F/F relationship The Taking of Jake Livingston by Ryan Douglass (July 13, YA Horror) Get Out meets Danielle Vega in this YA social thriller where survival is not a guarantee. Sixteen-year-old Jake Livingston sees dead people everywhere. But he can’t decide what’s worse: being a medium forced to watch the dead play out their last moments on a loop or being at the mercy of racist teachers as one of the few Black students at St. Clair Prep. Both are a living nightmare he wishes he could wake up from. But things at St. Clair start looking up with the arrival of another Black student–the handsome Allister–and for the first time, romance is on the horizon for Jake. Unfortunately, life as a medium is getting worse. Though most ghosts are harmless and Jake is always happy to help them move on to the next place, Sawyer Doon wants much more from Jake. In life, Sawyer was a troubled teen who shot and killed six kids at a local high school before taking his own life. Now he’s a powerful, vengeful ghost and he has plans for Jake. Suddenly, everything Jake knows about dead world goes out the window as Sawyer begins to haunt him. High school soon becomes a different kind of survival game–one Jake is not sure he can win. Gay man main character Busy Ain’t the Half of It by Frederick Smith and Chaz Lamar (August 1, Romance) Elijah Golden and Justin Monroe are uncle and nephew with eclectic careers, friends, and family in LA, trying to center Black Joy in their lives.Then their worlds turn in ways nobody expects. Elijah, a dedicated thespian, auditions by day, does theater by night, and works two jobs on weekends. With enough life for three people, he keeps his recently divorced partner Zaire coasting on bliss…until secrets and real-life dramas test their love. Justin, Elijah’s uncle, is a single father with teenage twins, and a tv journalist who’s been replaced at the anchor desk when new management arrives. No longer in the public eye, living true to his sexuality is something Justin can finally do. Dating and romance—Justin’s ready for fun. Conflicts with fatherhood and career—he’ll have none. Elijah and Justin seek happily-ever-afters, but are they too busy to notice happy when it’s there? M/M relationship No Gods, No Monsters by Cadwell Turnbull (September 7, Science Fiction) One October morning, Laina gets the news that her brother was shot and killed by Boston cops. But what looks like a case of police brutality soon reveals something much stranger. Monsters are real. And they want everyone to know it. As creatures from myth and legend come out of the shadows, seeking safety through visibility, their emergence sets off a chain of seemingly unrelated events. Members of a local werewolf pack are threatened into silence. A professor follows a missing friend’s trail of bread crumbs to a mysterious secret society. And a young boy with unique abilities seeks refuge in a pro-monster organization with secrets of its own. Meanwhile, more people start disappearing, suicides and hate crimes increase, and protests erupt globally, both for and against the monsters. At the center is a mystery no one thinks to ask: Why now? What has frightened the monsters out of the dark? The world will soon find out. Trans and asexual main characters Things We Couldn’t Say by Jay Coles (September 21, YA Contemporary) There’s always been a hole in Gio’s life. Not because he’s into both guys and girls. Not because his father has some drinking issues. Not because his friends are always bringing him their drama. No, the hole in Gio’s life takes the shape of his birth mom, who left Gio, his brother, and his father when Gio was nine years old. For eight years, he never heard a word from her . . . and now, just as he’s started to get his life together, she’s back. It’s hard for Gio to know what to do. Can he forgive her like she wants to be forgiven? Or should he tell her she lost her chance to be in his life? Complicating things further, Gio’s started to hang out with David, a new guy on the basketball team. Are they friends? More than friends? At first, Gio’s not sure . . . especially because he’s not sure what he wants from anyone right now. There are no easy answers to love — whether it’s family love or friend love or romantic love. In Things We Couldn’t Say, Jay Coles, acclaimed author of Tyler Johnson Was Here, shows us a guy trying to navigate love in all its ambiguity — hoping at the other end he’ll be able to figure out who is and who he should be. Bisexual man Note: This is not a complete list! We will likely be hearing more about the Aug-Dec releases later in the year. 2021 Black LGBTQ Books Out Now If you’re too impatient to wait for upcoming releases, here are ten 2021 LGBTQ books by Black authors that are already out! They are ordered by genre. Honey Girl by Morgan Rogers (Fiction) When becoming an adult means learning to love yourself first. With her newly completed PhD in astronomy in hand, twenty-eight-year-old Grace Porter goes on a girls’ trip to Vegas to celebrate. She’s a straight A, work-through-the-summer certified high achiever. She is not the kind of person who goes to Vegas and gets drunkenly married to a woman whose name she doesn’t know…until she does exactly that. This one moment of departure from her stern ex-military father’s plans for her life has Grace wondering why she doesn’t feel more fulfilled from completing her degree. Staggering under the weight of her parent’s expectations, a struggling job market and feelings of burnout, Grace flees her home in Portland for a summer in New York with the wife she barely knows. In New York, she’s able to ignore all the constant questions about her future plans and falls hard for her creative and beautiful wife, Yuki Yamamoto. But when reality comes crashing in, Grace must face what she’s been running from all along—the fears that make us human, the family scars that need to heal and the longing for connection, especially when navigating the messiness of adulthood. F/F relationship 100 Boyfriends by Brontez Purnell (Short Story Collection) An irrerverent, sensitive, and inimitable look at gay dysfunction through the eyes of a cult hero Transgressive, foulmouthed, and brutally funny, Brontez Purnell’s 100 Boyfriends is a revelatory spiral into the imperfect lives of queer men desperately fighting the urge to self-sabotage. As they tiptoe through minefields of romantic, substance-fueled misadventure―from dirty warehouses and gentrified bars in Oakland to desolate farm towns in Alabama―Purnell’s characters strive for belonging in a world that dismisses them for being Black, broke, and queer. In spite of it―or perhaps because of it―they shine. Armed with a deadpan wit, Purnell finds humor in even the darkest of nadirs with the peerless zeal, insight, and horniness of a gay punk messiah. Together, the slice-of-life tales that writhe within 100 Boyfriends are an inimitable tour of an unexposed queer underbelly. Holding them together is the vision of an iconoclastic storyteller, as fearless as he is human. Queer men main characters The Prophets by Robert Jones Jr (Historical Fiction) A singular and stunning debut novel about the forbidden union between two enslaved young men on a Deep South plantation, the refuge they find in each other, and a betrayal that threatens their existence. Isaiah was Samuel’s and Samuel was Isaiah’s. That was the way it was since the beginning, and the way it was to be until the end. In the barn they tended to the animals, but also to each other, transforming the hollowed-out shed into a place of human refuge, a source of intimacy and hope in a world ruled by vicious masters. But when an older man—a fellow slave—seeks to gain favor by preaching the master’s gospel on the plantation, the enslaved begin to turn on their own. Isaiah and Samuel’s love, which was once so simple, is seen as sinful and a clear danger to the plantation’s harmony. With a lyricism reminiscent of Toni Morrison, Robert Jones, Jr., fiercely summons the voices of slaver and enslaved alike, from Isaiah and Samuel to the calculating slave master to the long line of women that surround them, women who have carried the soul of the plantation on their shoulders. As tensions build and the weight of centuries—of ancestors and future generations to come—culminates in a climactic reckoning, The Prophets masterfully reveals the pain and suffering of inheritance, but is also shot through with hope, beauty, and truth, portraying the enormous, heroic power of love. M/M relationship Love’s Divine by Ava Freeman (Romance) Go on vacation? Check. Sip cocktails and relax on the beach? Check. Fall in love? Definitely not on the list. On a whim, Genesis Malone decides to book a solo trip to the island of Barbados. A sunny beach vacation sounds like the perfect way to renew her spirit after a heartbreaking divorce. The trip takes an unexpected turn when she meets a woman who could be just what she needs to move on. That is if her heart, and the universe, will let her. Zuri Baker seems to have it all but what she really wants is someone to share her life with. When she meets Genesis, she is intrigued by her quiet nature and longs to get to know her better. Too bad her on-again off-again girlfriend isn’t willing to let her go quite so easily. When they return to their regular lives and find themselves in the midst of exes, not quite exes, and work drama, will they be able to hold onto what matters most; each other? F/F relationship Masquerade by Anne Shade (Historical Romance) Harlem, New York, 1925 is a mecca of cultural and creative freedom, where masquerade drag balls are all the rage and the music, dancing, and loose prohibition laws unite people from all walks of life. Dinah Hampton came to Harlem for better opportunities for her family but ends up working as a nightclub chorus girl to help make ends meet. Among the nightlife and danger, she finds love in the most unexpected way. When a scandal rocks Celine Montre’s family and sends them fleeing from New Orleans to Harlem, the gorgeous Dinah Hampton helps her to discover that there’s more to life, and love, than she ever thought possible. When a notorious gangster sets her sights on seducing Celine, Dinah and Celine are forced to risk their hearts, and lives, for love. F/F relationship Symbiosis (Escaping Exodus #2) by Nicky Drayden (Science Fiction) Nearly a thousand years removed from Earth, the remnants of humanity cling to existence inside giant, space faring creatures known as the Zenzee. Abused and exploited by humans for generations, these majestic animals nearly went extinct, but under the command of its newly minted ruler, Doka Kaleigh, life in the Parados I has flourished. Thanks to careful oversight and sacrifice by all of its crew, they are now on the brink of utopia, and yet Doka’s rivals feel threatened by that success. The Senate allowed Doka to lead their people believing he’d fail spectacularly—a disaster that would cement the legitimacy of their long-standing matriarchy. Despite vocal opposition and blatant attacks on his authority, Doka has continued to handle his position with grace and intelligence; he knows a single misstep means disaster. When a cataclysmic event on another Zenzee world forces Doka and his people to accept thousands of refugees, a culture clash erupts, revealing secrets from the past that could endanger their future. For Doka, the stakes are bigger and more personal than ever before—and could cost him his reign and his heart. He has fallen for the one woman he is forbidden to love: his wife, Seske. Doka and Seske must work closely together to sway the other Zenzee worlds to stop their cycles of destruction. But when they stumble upon a discovery that can transform their world, they know they must prepare to fight a battle where there can be no winners, only survivors. Sapphic main character Soulstar (The Kingston Cycle #3) by C.L. Polk (Fantasy) With Soulstar, C. L. Polk concludes her riveting Kingston Cycle, a whirlwind of magic, politics, romance, and intrigue that began with the World Fantasy Award-winning Witchmark. Assassinations, deadly storms, and long-lost love haunt the pages of this thrilling final volume. For years, Robin Thorpe has kept her head down, staying among her people in the Riverside neighborhood and hiding the magic that would have her imprisoned by the state. But when Grace Hensley comes knocking on Clan Thorpe’s door, Robin’s days of hiding are at an end. As freed witches flood the streets of Kingston, scrambling to reintegrate with a kingdom that destroyed their lives, Robin begins to plot a course that will ensure a freer, juster Aeland. At the same time, she has to face her long-bottled feelings for the childhood love that vanished into an asylum twenty years ago. Can Robin find happiness among the rising tides of revolution? Can Kingston survive the blizzards that threaten, the desperate monarchy, and the birth throes of democracy? Find out as the Kingston Cycle comes to an end. Nonbinary love interest One of the Good Ones by Maika Moulite and Maritza Moulite (YA Contemporary) When teen social activist and history buff Kezi Smith is killed under mysterious circumstances after attending a social justice rally, her devastated sister Happi and their family are left reeling in the aftermath. As Kezi becomes another immortalized victim in the fight against police brutality, Happi begins to question the idealized way her sister is remembered. Perfect. Angelic. One of the good ones. Even as the phrase rings wrong in her mind—why are only certain people deemed worthy to be missed?—Happi and her sister Genny embark on a journey to honor Kezi in their own way, using an heirloom copy of The Negro Motorist Green Book as their guide. But there’s a twist to Kezi’s story that no one could’ve ever expected—one that will change everything all over again. Lesbian main character Yesterday Is History by Kosoko Jackson (YA Time Travel) Weeks ago, Andre Cobb received a much-needed liver transplant. He’s ready for his life to finally begin, until one night, when he passes out and wakes up somewhere totally unexpected…in 1969, where he connects with a magnetic boy named Michael. And then, just as suddenly as he arrived, he slips back to present-day Boston, where the family of his donor is waiting to explain that his new liver came with a side effect―the ability to time travel. And they’ve tasked their youngest son, Blake, with teaching Andre how to use his unexpected new gift. Andre splits his time bouncing between the past and future. Between Michael and Blake. Michael is everything Andre wishes he could be, and Blake, still reeling from the death of his brother, Andre’s donor, keeps him at arm’s length despite their obvious attraction to each other. Torn between two boys, one in the past and one in the present, Andre has to figure out where he belongs―and more importantly who he wants to be―before the consequences of jumping in time catch up to him and change his future for good. Gay man main character Mouths of Rain : An Anthology of Black Lesbian Thought Edited by Briona Simone Jones (Nonfiction) African American lesbian writers and theorists have made extraordinary contributions to feminist theory, activism, and writing. Mouths of Rain, the companion anthology to Beverly Guy-Sheftall’s classic Words of Fire, traces the long history of intellectual thought produced by Black Lesbian writers, spanning the nineteenth century through the twenty-first century. Using “Black Lesbian” as a capacious signifier, Mouths of Rain includes writing by Black women who have shared intimate and loving relationships with other women, as well as Black women who see bonding as mutual, Black women who have self-identified as lesbian, Black women who have written about Black Lesbians, and Black women who theorize about and see the word lesbian as a political descriptor that disrupts and critiques capitalism, heterosexism, and heteropatriarchy. Taking its title from a poem by Audre Lorde, Mouths of Rain addresses pervasive issues such as misogynoir and anti-blackness while also attending to love, romance, “coming out,” and the erotic. Lesbian Looking for More Black LGBTQ Books? Of course, there are plenty of Black LGBTQ books from years past that are also worth reading! Here are some helpful resources to find more: Black Lesbian Literary Collective Sistahs on the Shelf YA Pride’s Queer YA Books by Black Authors Spreadsheet LGBTQ Reads’s Black History Month post I also discovered Jonathan’s To Be Black and Loved BookTube channel in the course of research for this post, and I sourced some titles from the video “Black & Queer Book Releases 2021 | YA & Adult Fiction.” Here on Book Riot, you might also want to check out: 20 Must-Read Black Authors of LGBTQ Books 6 of the Best Audiobooks by Queer Black Authors The videos Queer 2020 Releases by Black Authors and Black LGBTQ YA Titles Published in 2020 !doctype> #BlackAuthors #LGBTQ #RiotRundownSubjectLinePost #Featured #Lists

Arplis - News source https://arplis.com/blogs/news/2021-lgbtq-books-by-black-authors-to-preorder-and-10-that-are-already-out

0 notes

pendragonfics · 8 years ago

Text

Queen of Darkness and Daisies

Paring: Crowley/Reader

Tags: female reader, alternate universe - everyone lives/nobody dies, angst with a happy ending, fluff

Summary: Crowley is holed up in the Bunker after Sam and Dean's experiment. Much to their chagrin, he's got a girlfriend; the Queen of Hell. Unfortunately for the both of them, Abbadon's after them all.

Notes: I love the idea of Crowley falling for someone who is all flowery and cutesy. Sorta like Hades and Persephone. I'm not up to date with the current season atm, but I hope Crowley is okay.

Word Count: 1,827

Posting Date: 2016-05-19

Current Date: 2017-05-09

You'd never expected yourself to become the Queen of Hell. Or a Queen of anything, to be honest. But here you were, and here you stood. Or, sat, to be more accurate. In a bunker full of hunters and their friends, nursing a cup of something warm between your fingertips.

"How are we to know he has a freaking girlfriend?" The short one growled. "And that she'd stop the conversion?"

They stood away from you, in another room. Your ears weren't supernaturally gifted or anything like your husband, but the men were talking very, very loud.

The taller one, the one with the floppy hair sighed. "She didn't stop it. Abbadon did." He reasoned. "And while we need Crowley for interrogation, Dean, they're they're both fugitives. _________ needs a place safe from those creatures."

"No. No! I put my foot down. I've done it. My foot is down. I don't want that witch staying here."

"Don't listen to Dean, he's only half talk." You blink, and realise who had spoken to you. It's the girl, the one with red hair and a bright smile and brighter shirt. What had they introduced her as? Charisse? Charlene? Charlie. "He didn't much like me when we first met. It'll be okay."

You couldn't help but smile. "I'm sure it will, in time." You glance to your still hot mug. "But in time, what will happen to Crowley?"

She winced at the tender topic. "I'm not sure. All they really do is interrogate...and yeah, a little torture." You let out a whimper. "I mean, he's a strong guy. I mean, demon. Person. He'll, uh, make it through."

You cautioned a sip of your cup, feeling the tea heat you up. At the same time, you weren't sure, but an additional voice chimed into the Winchester argument, and drew the men forth.

"Hello, ________, my name is Castiel. I am an angel of The Lord. I am also a very good friend of Sam and Dean, and I have decided on behalf of everybody, that you will be granted asylum here for as long as it takes for us to get what we require from Crowley, or it is safe for you to return outside."

You nod, and slowly, beam up at him. "Thank you, Castiel." Shifting your hand to touch his, you add, "Your reputation for justice matches what I've you seen display. I'm very grateful."

The shorter one rolls his eyes. "Parasite."

Was this one Dean? Well, whoever he was, being rude wasn't going to get him anywhere.

"I'm not a vampire, nor one who climbs socially to reap what was not theirs to sow," you retort as quickly as you are quiet, crossing your arms. "Yes, I am married to your enemy, the King, and yes, I'm as human as you are, but can you not see how unfair this is?" You ask Dean.

His face lights up with fury, and somewhere near you, you hear Charlie whistle lowly, under her breath. "Where's Kevin when you need him?" she practically whispers, whipping her phone out to speed text.

"Unfair?" Dean repeats your words slowly, tauntingly. "Unfair? I'll tell you unfair. When your whole family dies and you have to spend all your time getting caught up saving the world from shitty stuff they all don't care about." He fumes.

You nod. For a few moments, you're not sure if you're about to cry or burn in anger, but you just sigh.

"I know. I love my husband, Dean, even if he doesn't understand feelings and love because he isn't human. And I love your fierceness to protect what is yours - a translator, a brother, a hacker, an angel, all living here ... You protect them from all to do with what's often at the other end of your gun. And, you've decided I am next in line."

You place your tea on the little table, and rise to stand off against him. Even if he's still much taller than you.

"_________, ignore Dean," Sam announces with a growl. "An idiot would come between Crowley and his...Queen. Like Cas said, you're welcome here."

Charlie pipes up. "Me and Kevin have a spare bed in our room," she pats your back gently. "Hey, roomie."

It's now many days later, and Crowley, with his new emotions, is borderline frantic. He lost it all - his reputation, his groove ... his _________. He had heard no word from his jailer, Dean, of her, and now he was afraid. Could a king be afraid? He wasn't sure. He'd only been the King of Hell for such a short time.

It was almost a week in, when he broke his resolve, and asked.

"Where is she?" He asked the squirrel, after another unsuccessful bout of torture. The room was dark, and so was his hope that ________ wasn't captured by Abbadon and waiting for death.

"__________, right?" Dean turned, just before leaving the dungeon. "No word of her."

Crowley's heart sank even lower than it already was. Could it be possible he was losing it? No. Crowley doesn't 'lose it', unless 'it' was his temper, not his sanity. He loves his ________, even if what he'd shown her before wasn't love. Crowley couldn't help but feel the cold touch of despair chill him.

"I'll find you, ________," he vows under his breath.

Meanwhile, upstairs in the shared room, you're striking awe and slight confusion into the hearts of Charlie and Kevin with the classic 'how I met my husband' story. Except, it's not like anyone's usual whirlwind romance.

"You met Crowley at a garden shop?" Kevin repeats. "What the frick was he doing there?"

You smile. "I worked there. The first time, he bought geraniums, and was considering daffodils. He needed help deciding for a plot of land, but I set him on the path to daisies." Your face lights up, and tracing a pattern on your arm, you add, "After that, he came nearly everyday and bought flowers, for almost a year. A new bloom every time. We took it -,"

Charlie's smile widens, and elbowing you, she stage-whispers. "Keep going, you're weirding out Kev. I don't think he ever thought of Crowley having a life partner."

She was right. Kevin did look uncomfortable.

You smile. "It was last year, we got married ... today's our anniversary." Suddenly, the weirded-out Kevin glanced up, with something in his eye you knew to be sympathy. "What I'd do to see him again."

The door to the bedroom opened slightly.

"__________?" Dean's jaw is set, arms crossed with his hostile air. "A word?"

Charlie and Kevin watched on as you left with curious, suspicious eyes. All week you'd kept under his radar, and they couldn't help but worry for you. Yes, you were the queen of darkness, but also of daisies.

You had to nearly run to keep up with Dean's footfalls. So this was a walk and talk. "Did I do anything wrong? Did Crowley? I've followed your rules -,"

He grumbles, and you aren't sure if it's a laugh or a throat clearing. "He asked about you. He's not cooperating, and I need leverage for this."

Your hands ghost upward to your neck.

"No, I'm not going to hurt you for him," Dean's smirk is as dry as his humour around you. "He needs motivation, and you're going to be there to help with that."

"If you think I'll help you torture my love, you're wrong," you tell Dean. "I promised him my loyalty, my love, my life when we were married ... I'm not sure I can be very useful if I'm afraid to see him hurt."

"I know. Just follow my lead." Dean stops, and turns into a door. Is it a supply closet? No, he's opened the shelves. Secret supply closet, then.

"Dean-o," the familiar voice announces. It's cracked and sore as if he's been yelling for days on end. As you come out from behind Dean, you nearly cry; Crowley's beaten up and chained to a chair like an animal. There's dried blood and sweat and muck everywhere. His eyes flicker, and still on you. "_________? Love?"

Dean nods. "She's here to help you talk. I'm sure we can work something out. I need those names, Crowley." From his jacket, he brought out a crayon, and a small paper. "Here."

"Dearest," you whisper, holding back. He is such a mighty king, but here, he looks more man than monster. Maybe that's what Sam was speaking of. Had they changed your Crowley?

Dean drew a pistol from his jacket. "If you don't give names, I'll shoot her."

Crowley's breath changed. "Your code wouldn't allow it, she's human, as human as you."

"Make a choice, Crowley." Dean growled.

"I want fifteen minutes with my wife," Crowley bargained. He was in no position to, but you knew it to be a part of his nature. "And then I'll give you a hundred names."

Dean stilled, and lowered his gun. "You've got ten minutes. I'll be outside."

The door didn't shut behind him, but as soon as Dean departed, you rushed to your King's side.

"Oh Crowley, forgive me," you shuddered, a week's worth of tears falling. "I've missed you."

He withdrew as much as he could've from your embrace with all the chains. His face was lit with confusion - and an unsullied adoration shining through his gaze.

"Me, forgive you? You've not done anything wrong, love," his voice is steady. "I'm - I'm deplorable. Despicable. A demon. And you still love me. I shouldn't even have you, I don't deserve -,"

You end his words with a kiss. "You may be a demon, and you may do wrong, but do you do them for your right reasons? I know you do not love me -,"

Tears watered in his eyes. "But I do, my Queen. I've missed you, and I know I shouldn't have..."

You gripped his collar, gripped his shoulders, gripped his dilapidated spirit in a hug. "I do not care how we came together. I do not care horrid you can be. I care that you can protect me and we have something special, something worthwhile together."

"I love you," Crowley whispered. "But how can I protect you? You're here. In a den of hunters, and I -,"

"Give Dean the names, darling," you whispered without blinking. "I know it means betrayal of our kingdom, and our way, but it is the only way we can get out from this."

Crowley was the King, and he was the King of Hell. But there was one thing a king would never do. And that was to ignore his Queen.

"Okay, time's up," Dean announced, sauntering back in. "You gonna write or writhe?"

You stepped away just in time to see Crowley roll his eyes. "Sounds like the opening line to a badly written porno," he drawled, "I agree to your terms."

The Crowley you knew was back.

It would all be okay.

#crowley #crowley supernatural #crowley x reader #crowley supernatural x reader #supernatural fanfic #crowley/reader #crowley/supernatural #pendragonfics #chaotic--lovely #Female reader

56 notes · View notes

filmista · 8 years ago

Text

Pierrot Le Fou/Crazy Pete (1965)

A film by Jean-Luc Godard is always an experience. In almost every shot, the director does something special to stimulate the viewer. Something cinematic, something in the "mise-en-scene", something that goes against the rules of (the continuity of) filmmaking. Sometimes the "fourth wall" is suddenly broken through because the characters suddenly stare directly into the camera in order to cast the audience a glance.

Godard's tendency to cover as many topics as possible and different styles appears in his later films. Pierrot le fou is almost consistent in its inconsistency but it is also a complete whole. There is a plot: A married man, Ferdinand, escapes his everyday existence with his mistress Marianne leaving behind, as they are chased by gangsters that are after Marianne, a trail of death and destruction.

Pierrot le fou is thus a kind of road movie, or perhaps a real Odyssey. Ferdinand, played by Belmondo, is cool in a Belmondo kind of way, and Marianne, played by Karina, is beautiful and fragile in a Karina way. The two communicate badly, perhaps a metaphor for the divorce between Godard and Karina in real life. Nevertheless, Pierrot le fou was the sixth Godard film in which Anna Karina appeared.

The story seems less important, though the themes that it covers do appear throughout. 'Pierrot le fou' is therefore not an incoherent film without content, which only means a style exercise. Godard's well-known philosophical speculation is again well represented, while the film has a mildly melancholy yet amusing atmosphere as it explores the subject of the illusion of love and romance. At the same time, the style of the film is one of it’ greatest forces and what makes it’s fascinating.

"Everything you need for a movie is a gun and a woman," Godard is said to have said once (although he’s denied that he ever said it), and these elements are, in any case, again well represented in 'Pierrot le fou'. And at the same time. The image of a fragile beauty in an airy summer dress that runs over a roof with a big gun is a fascinating combination.

In addition, Godard, of course, wanted to put his wife Anna Karina in the spotlight, in the role of Marianne. And pistols come back regularly because of the crime scene in the film.

A storyline - in the style of Bonnie & Clyde - swapped somewhere halfway through the film for a Jules Verne-like paradise. When Marianne literally says, "And now we have to go back to our crime story with guns and villains", after which they suddenly drive to their car and literally put the film in another gear. As a viewer, you are constantly made aware that you are watching a film. Of course, this is not permitted, according to the unwritten rules of cinema, but not allowing something is prohibited in his films.

Ferdinand, Marianne’s lover, named Pierrot Le Fou by Marianne, is played by Belmondo who is once again his familiar, cool self, the quasi-nonchalant, a slightly cynical man with a cigarette dangling from his mouth, as in Godard's best-known film 'À Bout de Souffle’ (’Breathless).

And Anna Karina is always her charming self and works that seemingly effortless magical, lively energy of hers on the camera. Now I find that most reviews of any film of Godard focus more on the male actors than they do Karina.

But the truth for me has always been that she steals the show seemingly more naturally and effortlessly than anyone else, and the same film would without her not have the same spark, why do people generally watch them? Often the answer will be: because of Anna Karina, because seemingly anyone male or female, can’t help but develop a cinematic crush.

Also, some have speculated that she’s actually not that good an actress, well that’s very easily disproven by just how many emotions she can convey with just her face; she can cast a furious look, just as well as a sly smile with the same ease.

Pierrot le fou' is best seen as a collection of scenes in their own right, each of which has something unique. Sometimes there is special color use, such as shots that are full of red or blue, or a nightly car ride accompanied by switching neon lights a scene that might have inspired the rainy ride in Dario Argento's 'Suspiria'.

Sometimes there is a song and dance number - in the middle of the room or in the forest - as in a musical, and at other times, sound or music is used remarkably, for example by playing up the volume or suddenly stopping the soundtrack.

It's funny too when a confusing element appears that stimulates and raises questions, but it never, or only later, becomes clear what they meant and how they bore relation to one another, they’re truly moments that seemingly make no sense at the time and that you have to let wash over you.

This is the case when Marianne crosses her apartment to get to her bed where Ferdinand is smoking a cigarette and passes another bedroom in which a dead man is lying on a bed. This is just visible and no attention is paid to it. Marianne first talks with Ferdinand, and only later becomes aware of the man, and the viewer suddenly sees that all sorts of guns are strayed about the apartment.

The movie also contains a lot of humor, physical humor and verbal humor in the form of dry remarks, such as: "It's good that I don’t like spinach. Otherwise, I’d eat and I hate the stuff.” But also, it’s often interesting because of the philosophical speculations that Godard expresses through his characters.

Just as in "Vivre Sa vie", the status and value of thoughts and words are discussed here, and love is analyzed from the difference in communication between men and women, in which words and feelings sometimes seem to collide, although both contain ideas, says Marianne.

Godard was the most political of the Nouvelle Vague movement, and that is also apparent in this film. The radio brings messages from Vietnam, and to earn money, Ferdinand and Marianne play a play about US soldiers in Vietnam for tourists. But despite the political burden, Pierrot le fou is especially an intriguing film, in which Godard again shows why he belongs to the greats of French cinema.

In short, 'Pierrot le fou' intrigues on many levels. A conventional, coherent story is not what you should expect here, but whoever wants to see a director who manages the art of cinema perfectly and wants something to think about after, has an excellent choice in ‘Pierrot Le Fou’.

“Look at the sea, the waves, the sky. Life may be sad, but it's always beautiful!”

16 notes · View notes

overly-affectionate-animatronics · 7 years ago

Text

Full Circle

DISCLAIMER: This story was written back in 2015 before FNAF 4 came out. If canon divergence doesn’t bother you, it’s still a fun read.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Title: Full Circle Part: 1/1 Author: Murasaki Rose Beta: none Genre: Horror/Romance Rating: PG-13 Spoilers: Major ones from the third game. Warnings: Violence, Slash ~i.e. male x male pairings Pairings: Golden Freddy x Phone Guy

Disclaimer: Here we go...Five Nights at Freddy's and all related characters are the property/creation of Scott Cawthon. In other words, they aren't mine and I'm not making any money off of this, I'm just a fangirl having some fun.

Author's Note: Sequel to - Ashes, Ashes, They All Fall Down

Flames will be used to keep me warm while I write and will only serve to make me more determined to continue. (They may also cause me to break out in bouts of maniacal laughter.) Soooo......come at me bro.

Summary: The restaurant is gone but they still can't cross over. Not when HE is still there. When an old evil is unleashed in a new location, it may provide the key to their salvation. Will Fazbear's Fright finally grant them the peace they deserve? Or will Golden Freddy, "Phone Guy", the Marionette, and the children be forced to watch the tragedy of Freddy Fazbear's repeat itself?

Again, MAJOR SPOILERS for the third game.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

The sound of playful giggles echoed through the empty restaurant, bringing a smile to the guard's face. It wasn't often that the children left the suits to have fun. Suitless, they couldn't go any farther than the main party room or the cove, but it was enough.

Sensing the familiar presence of Golden Freddy behind him, he turned to face the other spirit. "What is it?"

"Watch."

Golden's form began to flicker wildly, going between the empty suit and that of a twelve year-old child like someone flipping a light switch on and off. The flickering grew faster and faster until the guard grew nauseous, an impressive feat for someone without a living body, and had to look away. A sudden burst of energy knocked him back a few meters, disorienting him enough he had to reform his "body".

"Sorry about that," a new but somewhat familiar voice said.

Looking in the direction of the voice, the guard was met with an astonishing sight. Golden had finally stopped shifting forms...and was now something altogether different. For the most part, he looked like an adult human though his hair was the same yellow-gold color the suit's fur was and his eyes...at first glance they appeared black, but a closer look revealed that the irises were bright blue. He was wearing a light yellow dress shirt, yellow-gold slacks, and navy blue dress shoes, bow tie, and top hat-

"You have bear ears."

Wiggling the appendages, Golden grinned. "But I don't look like a suit anymore."

The guard rolled his eyes, "You don't look like you did when you were ah, alive either." He'd made the connection between Golden and his young friend, the first of the five to go missing, years ago.

"Hey, I had to wait like...ten years to get you and unlike them, I grew up. I'm way older than I was back then, so why not look like it." He jerked a thumb in the direction of the other spirits, "I also think like an adult, but they're still stuck as kids."

A wicked idea crossed his mind and it must have reflected in his expression because the guard was now giving him a wary look. It was all the warning he had before all 221cm of Golden's new human form tackled him to the ground.

"Adult. Riiiight."

"I'm young at heart."

"You're impossible," the other groaned.

Laughing, Golden rolled them over and pulled the former guard into the same position they usually rested in, with the shorter man draped across his larger form, head resting on the other's chest.

Looking down into the smiling face of the other man, Golden felt the urge to try something he'd never had the chance to do before. He knew it wouldn't be the same as if they were alive, but he wanted-

Gently cupping the smaller man's face with both hands he pulled the unresisting guard into a kiss.

The physical sensations were missing, but the warmth and emotion behind the action was still there. It felt amazing.

Pulling away just far enough to press their foreheads together, he smiled. "This okay?"

The guard gave a shy smile in return, "Yeah."

x-x-x-x-x

A thunderous crash was the only warning the guard had before four small forms flung themselves at him and Golden, clinging to them for comfort as they trembled in fear. "What happened?!"

"ThE sUiTs HaVe bEeN BrOkEn bEyOnD RePaIr."

Done speaking, the Marionette appeared before them and raised an arm to point down one of the halls. Golden looked confused, but the guard-

"Stay here," he ordered, running down the hallway.

"What?!" That was usually his line.

He knew something was off. Should have known that HE would find a way out. Reaching the scattered remains of the animatronics, he knew he was right. Stepping through a door no one could see and few knew ever existed, he scanned the dark room, his eyes landing on a familiar figure leaning against a wall.

"I knew it was you."

Chuckling, the other spirit, this one clad in the purple guard uniform, gave him a mocking bow. "You always were the observant one."

He tried not to show how close to home that dig had hit, but judging by the smile on his face, the other knew.

"Haven't you hurt them enough?!"

"Until I'm free, it will never be enough." He gestured to the rotting Golden Bonnie suit behind him, "and thanks to you, my body is still trapped in that damn thing."

"You want MY pity? The way I see it, it's your fault we're ALL here," he glared at the purple-clad spirit. This monster had taken something wonderful and used it in acts so foul the taint never escaped the company. When he'd found the man's corpse, he and the current employees decided it would make for an ironic sort of justice to leave him there. He was the one that convinced the uppers to rush the sealing of this room and since they were retiring the spring lock suits, no one asked about the Golden Bonnie in the back.

"YOU!" Golden roared, startling both guards. He'd followed the energy of his guard to this room, not expecting to find his killer too.

"I see you still have your shadow." The purple uniformed guard smirked, "He followed you around like a lost puppy for months. It was so easy to trick him..."

Golden roared and took a swing at the smug spirit, stopping short when he vanished and the other gold suit jerked. Dashing between them, the guard placed his hands on Golden's shoulders. "Let's go."

"But he-"

"Can't leave. Now that he's broken the others, h-he doesn't have a strong enough anchor to leave the room." Moving his hands from the spirit's shoulders to take his hands, he gave him a sad smile. "C'mon, the Marionette can't keep them entertained forever."

x-x-x-x-x

"No. No. No. No. No. No. No damn it!" They'd found him. Those damned amusement park people had found the Golden Bonnie suit and brought it here! If HE had figured out how to move...

The familiar giggle of Balloon Boy echoed the halls confusing the former guard, breaking his train of thought. 'What the hell?' He went back to the security room where a replica of the light blue night shift uniform was draped over a chair and three of the attraction's employees were checking over the equipment.

"So if this thing starts to move, our night guy can just lure him away with this?" one said, watching another casually flick through the glitchy cameras making a deep feeling of dread come over the spirit.

"That's the idea. I read that noise attracted these guys," he waved a hand at the box containing the shells of the toy animatronics. "They were made by the same company, so I bet they all react like that."

"I still don't see how that rotted hunk of junk could possibly move," the lone female commented.

"Dude! Didn't you read all the lore?"

"Yes, lore," the woman scowled. "Just because I'm a fan of horror, doesn't mean I think any of this is anything but urban legends gone wild."

"You gotta be kidding me! This stuff is totally real!"

Closing both panels, the third worker stepped between the other two before they got out of hand. Again.

"All right, let's compromise. Even the boss knows that something freaky was going on with the animatronics. Remember when he found the employee records and tried calling all the old surviving night guards?" Both workers nodded. "Well, none of them would talk about it. He even tried offering them money to talk and they still wouldn't say anything." He fixed his over-excited co-worker with a stern glare. "That doesn't mean that every story about the place is true." He clapped them both on the shoulders and led them out of the room, "Everything in here is working so let's move to the next room, we've still got a lot to do before the park closes."

"These guys are idiots. Are you sure we need to do anything?"

The guard gave Golden a warning look, "Yes. You and I both know HE won't stay ah, idle for long. He's had nothing to do but practice."

"It's not going to be easy. None of us have a suit to fight back with." The others had been trying to move the empty suits but without endoskeletons all they had accomplished so far was popped lights and further strain on the building's already over-taxed electrical wiring.

"Let's hope this guy can keep himself alive until we figure something out."

x-x-x-x-x

"No fuckin' way!" Dodging an arm that came so close it knocked his hat off, the young man was just barely keeping his disbelief from interfering with his actions. He'd been warding this damn thing off for four nights straight and the over-taxed wiring in the building had finally given in, leaving him defenseless. There'd barely been time to call 911 before the thing had appeared, peering into the room from the doorframe. Now the damn building was on fire and a rotted animatronic rabbit was trying to kill him!

Tripping over his own feet, he landed painfully on the ground, gasping for air. The ventilation was already off and now the fire was taking what little good air he had left! Rolling over, he looked up and flinched backwards violently, the thing was leaning right over him, its' permanent grin mocking him in his failure. One huge hand reached towards him when suddenly something large and brown crashed into its' side. Scrambling to his feet, he saw that the Freddy suit that had once stood outside his office had been what saved him.

'What-?'

"Don't think about it! Just run!"

With the rabbit getting back to its feet and the fire still an immediate threat, the young man took the voice's advice. In the hall he could see the fire was spreading quickly and wasted no time heading for the fire exit.

He came to a jerking halt as something grabbed the back of his shirt and hoisted him off his feet, bringing him face-to-face with the molding animatronic.

"NO MORE!" a new voice bellowed just before the rabbit was knocked off its' feet again, sending the guard crashing painfully to the ground.

"They can't hold him off for long, you need to keep running!" Invisible hands pulled him to his feet.

Not questioning the oddly familiar voice, he took off down the hallway once more. Above his head, a beam cracked and groaned and he felt two hands push hard on his back sending him rolling to relative safety on the opposite side of the burning beam just as it crashed behind him.

He didn't have time to wonder as flaming debris had caught the sleeves of his shirt on fire when he'd covered his head and now the cheap fabric was rapidly burning. Tearing it off and scorching his hands in the process, he continued to the fire door and pushed, only for it to rattle in place. "You have GOT to be kidding me!" Kicking the door, he could hear the sound of a padlock rattling on the other side. 'Those assholes locked me in!' He couldn't go back, his path was completely blocked by fire!

"Hold on!" A transparent blue-clad figure passed by him and through the door. Seconds later the door swung open and he stumbled outside, taking deep breaths of the clean night air. Looking back at the burning building, he saw a man wearing a dark blue version of the reproduction uniform he'd been wearing. The man smiled and tipped his duty cap, "See you on the flip side."

Watching him fade away, the young man didn't know what he'd just seen, but he was damn sure it was no hallucination.

The wail of approaching sirens reminded him that he was still too close to the burning building and he stumbled to safety of the boardwalk just as the fire trucks pulled up.

x-x-x-x-x

Going back inside, it didn't take him long to find the others, they were standing around the burning remains of the spring lock suit and the murderer it contained.

"You missed it," Golden commented, not taking his eyes away from the corpse.

"Missed what?"

"The light didn't come for him. Something else did."

The former guard decided it was best he not ask.

Suddenly a bright light pierced the room, so white and pure it made the light of the fire appear almost black. In this light, the Marionette looked like a child in costume and the four children human, with masks of the suits they once inhabited on their heads. Smiling, the Marionette ushered the younger ones into the light, beckoning to the guard and Golden.

"Ready?" he asked, turning to face the other spirit who now looked fully human, eyes and ears normal, his height closer to the guard's and a Golden Freddy mask tilted back on his head.

"Yeah," he reached over and took one of the guard's hands. "Together?"

"I promised, didn't I?" he replied with a smile, wrapping his free arm around the other spirit's waist. Pushing up on his toes, he connected their mouths in a kiss just as the light enveloped them both.

x-x-x-x-x

Epilogue:

'I can't believe I'm doing this.' A few days had passed since the fire and the young guard was still bothered by the events at the horror attraction. The fire had destroyed almost everything on site, leaving little besides the Fazbear personnel files that the owner had kept at his home. He'd managed to get his boss to give him the contact information for the guards who'd survived and hadn't gone missing and the list had been depressingly short. There was one though... the young man felt that maybe this guy...one who had survived a whole week before quitting...he thought that maybe this guy would understand. So now, just days after being released from the hospital, he was standing like a crazy person on the guy's doorstep.

'No backing out now,' he thought as the door opened revealing a blue-eyed man in his late forties, maybe early fifties.

"Mike Schmidt?"

Blue eyes narrowed in suspicion, they wouldn't be this damn determined.

"I...I know this'll sound crazy....and I won't blame you if you slam the door in my face...but...I think you're the only one I can talk to that won't think I'm insane."

Looking into the young man's eyes, Mike saw something familiar in his haunted gaze.

"You worked at that amusement park."

"Yeah. I-I was the night guard for Fazbear's Fright."

"Real or an actor?"

"Real," he cringed slightly, "They were going to add me to the attraction...even had a new uniform made so I'd look "authentic" while I worked." He took a deep breath, "It's gone now. Everything burned to the ground...including..." He cut off, not sure if he should continue.

"Come in," Mike moved aside, guiding the shaken man into the living room and pushing him to sit on the couch.

Picking at the bandages still covering his burnt hands, he gave Mike a nervous smile. "Do...do you believe in ghosts?" Not waiting for an answer, he continued, "Because, I've met one....and he saved my life."

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

March 09, 2015

#fnaf #phone guy #golden freddy #springtrap #fanfic

0 notes

arplis · 4 years ago

Text

Arplis - News: 2021 LGBTQ Books by Black Authors to Preorder (And 10 That Are Already Out)

Arplis - News source http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/Arplis-News/~3/XhOiUdqOj10/2021-lgbtq-books-by-black-authors-to-preorder-and-10-that-are-already-out

0 notes