#...uh. self-misgendering at link

[makeroomforthejolyghost]

do you know what still kinda weirds me out?--maybe even pisses me off?

when i found out i was got diagnosed as autistic, two different brain doctors went out of their way to tell me how sorry they were it took so long to uncover this truth, how much it musta sucked to struggle w/ this disorder* for 24 years with no words for the problems it caused me and no strategies to mitigate them. they were, of course, wrong; i downplayed my knowledge of autism out of fear that if i seemed to seek a diagnosis they’d think that in my answers i was following a script,** but i’d suspected i was autistic for almost four years at that point. besides which it was 2017, so, if anything the official DX made me less sure

now, in 2019, whenever i come out to people (incl. the same psychiatrist), same deal. lots and lots about how much i must’ve suffered, and, what can we do to make this easier for you?--&c.

but in 2018, when i went to get my dysautonomia diagnosis all confirmed and official*** and to request medication for it: all business. lots of flattering jokes about how i obviously knew how to handle myself--how it’s not dangerous as long as you don’t do anything stupid. that kinda thing. which is fine? i prefer that! joking around but also giving me meds is great!**** it’s just weird, because... 

well, because it’s not weird. i’ve literally never had to have a Feelings Talk w/ a doctor about a diagnosis that wasn’t also an Identity Label (like transgender, autistic). not even in 2011, when i first went to see a psychiatrist and sobbed for half an hour about being depressed. and i mean i can see why they’d feel more responsibility to assure me of their support, when the thing about me they have to acknowledge is so socially loaded? just, in my case it happens not to be necessary, so it embarrasses me a little. but beyond that it seems extra incongruous to me because... well! if you’ve been following me long enough to remember 2017? then you’ll know that dysautonomia is the #1 Big-Deal thing that’s ever happened to me, and that year’s depression is a close second.*

so it’s Incredibly Fucking Weird, now that i keep having to come out to people, how they all act like being trans is obviously the most important thing about/that’s ever happened to my body. tho maybe i’m the one who’s weird? like, i’m 100% certain there are many chronically ill trans people whose dysphoria blows their pain/fatigue/illness out of the water on their mental lists of Things That Bother Them. it’s just... so weird to hear that humbled tone. (from healthy cisses, i mean.) 

don’t get me wrong, it feels weird when they do it about the illness too!** but in my experience, chronic illness is worse than people generally think it is--so that like, when people say they Can’t Even Imagine what it would be like, a small part of me thinks, no, you can’t. and somehow i get a way bigger jolt of absurdity when people say they Can’t Even Imagine an experience (like, for me, transness or autism) to which my mental response when they try is more like, well, probably not, but you needn’t, really.

*i think that’s the word they used? possibly also “condition”

**in case anyone’s reading this who doesn’t know me very well: i did not. often when trying on labels i go out of my way to catalogue the ways in which i diverge from the narrative, because Honesty Scruples. oh--also i should mention, my psychiatrist recommended autism screening to me w/out my ever having brought it up. i had kinda just decided not to pick that battle

***rather than just “yeah, some people have this problem sometimes,” and a list of poorly-typed facts about orthostatic hypotension my (other) doctor printed out from the internet

****incidentally, that’s what the hormone guy did when i came out to him, too.

*before 2017, the 2010-11 bout of depression came in second.

**never seem to act that way about depression, for some reason. maybe because to non-depressed people (incl. current me), depression tends to sound more like a logical error than a unique experience?--like, personally, i find my memories of 2017 only make sense when i think of depression as an altered state of consciousness. if i try to recall my thoughts of the time i just get bored, but if i read something from then and can still remember the day i wrote it i can reinhabit the mindset in a way that makes sense.

[leonawriter]

Since When Do Kami Care About Gender, Anyway?

Directory for all your trans Chuuya with a kid needs. May include literal fluff.

Please note that there are fics rated M due to mature themes such as discussed abortion, teenagers (soukoku) being referred to as sexually active, teen pregnancy, and more, including of course the expected tropes that go with Dazai himself (self harm, suicide, etc.), so please read all of these with that in mind.

Posting order is recommended reading order.

Main AU:

You Can’t Tell Me We Don’t Have History - Retelling of the infamous dungeon scene. 

Spring and Chances - An eighteen year old Chuuya realises he’s pregnant, but only after Dazai’s already long gone. Him coming to terms with this, and convincing himself and others that he wants to keep it.

Stale and Dismal Airs - Chuuya’s first use of Corruption in the AU. Also, why Corruption and binders don’t mix. (Note: not Stormbringer compliant, as this was written before that was released.)

Trust Fall - The Lovecraft and Dead Apple dragon fights, from Chuuya’s perspective. Includes some minor misgendering in a flashback.

As He Plays, Rain Falls - Short stories set in between Spring and Chances (when Chuuya is eighteen, and Fumiya is born) and Outbreak of Hostilities, focusing on Chuuya’s side of things. 

Bound - The events of Fifteen, and how things are (and aren’t) different. (Content warning: the Sheep are as emotionally manipulative as in canon, and there is now also some transphobia in there.)

Telling Tales - Dazai in the present day looks after a young girl, and Chuuya sees his dad mode activated.

Outbreak of Hostilities - Great google moogly it’s all gone to shit- I mean. Uh. Dazai meets Fumiya. Chuuya’s not happy. Things get worse before they get better. Warning for Dazai’s suicidal ideation taking a dive.

Spring Winds After Rain - Short stories set after Outbreak of Hostilities.

So far that’s it for the fics, although at times I may update “As He Plays, Rain Falls” and “Spring Winds After Rain” as they’re more collections of short stories than ongoing multi-chapters.

Art:

(I need to check my tags for this, and there isn’t a massive amount. If you want to draw me anything, I’ll link it here.)

Fluffy Son AU:

This one is basically just the above, but... Dazai is a kitsune. This does affect things, though, such as the timeline, and because of that it is also a canon divergence.

Why Is My Son Fluffy?! - The main fic. Multi-chapter, so far ch.1 is up. Chuuya corners Dazai. There are misunderstandings. Fumiya... is fluffy.

Art: 

Baby Kit Fumiya

(Same goes as above, btw, if you wanna draw this smol half-kitsune kit, go for it.)

[stubbornness-and-spite]

Life Is A Risk But I Will Take It (Close My Eyes And Jump)

Julie and the Phantoms has stolen my entire heart. So here’s a short fic I wrote feat. nonbinary Julie, Spite’s song lyric title agenda, potentially a series

Summary: Julie has something to tell the boys

Characters: Julie, Luke, Reggie, Alex, other characters mentioned

Relationships: platonic Julie and everyone, slight implied Julie/Luke

Word Count: roughly 800

Warnings: referenced period typical transphobia? I’m not sure what typical would be for the 80’s-90’s, Implied that the boys aren’t super aware of trans people and have heard bad things, internalized transphobia/enbyphobia(but not a lot)

Notes: AO3 link in reblog (contains a bit more notes about the story) I based this fic a lot off of my own experiences. I never had a moment like this because I had my gender crisis when the pandemic hit so I came out to my friends over text, but my use of pronouns here is deliberate and based on my own internal monologue and reaction to my internal self-misgendering, particularly when I was still trying to figure things out.

If anyone has any suggestions, I might try to start a series of short fics about introducing the guys to 2020 queer culture/labels/sexualities.

~

Julie was unusually subdued heading into the studio that day. The boys were already there, absentmindedly fiddling with their instruments. They all perked up when Julie walked in.

“Julie!” They chorused.

“Hey, guys,” Julie responded. She bit her lip and shifted her weight back and forth. Julie winced.

“Hey, is something wrong?” Luke asked, setting his guitar down and making his way over. Making his way over to her. Julie winced again.

“Do you think-” She shook her head.

“Jules,” Reggie cut in. “Everything okay?”

Julie nodded and forced a smile. “Everything’s great, don’t worry about it.”

Alex set down his drumsticks. “No pressure, but you can tell us anything.”

Julie took a breath and started again. “Do you guys think you could try using they/them pronouns for me?”

There was a silence.

“What?” Reggie broke it.

“Never mind, it’s stupid,” Julie said, shaking her head. “Let’s just practice.”

“Hey,” Luke said softly. “We’re not saying no. We’re saying we don’t understand.”

“Oh,” Julie said. “It’s kind of complicated, but do you know about transgender people? People who are assigned one gender at birth, but they’re actually a different one?”

Luke and Alex winced. “Not really,” Alex said.

“Probably not the kind of things you’re thinking about,” Luke added.

“Yeah, actually,” Reggie said, looking off into the distance like he was trying to remember something. “I think my one aunt grew up as a boy. There were some old pictures of her in my parents’ house and she was wearing pants which my grandparents would have never put their daughter in.”

“Exactly!” Julie smiled. “She was a woman, but when she was born, doctors thought she was a boy.”

“Okay,” Luke said slowly. “What does this have to do with you? Are you saying you’re a guy? Or that people thought you were a guy?”

Julie laughed a little. “No, I just wanted to try using different pronouns to see how it would feel. I’m not sure right now. I think I might not be a guy or a girl.”

“Pronouns?” Alex asked, walking over to sit on the couch.

Julie nodded. “Like how yours are he/him. Alex plays the drums. He is very good. There are his drums. That hoodie looks nice on him .”

The boys nodded.

“And you want us to…” Luke trailed off.

“Use they/them for me?” Julie asked.

“How would that work?” Reggie asked, not really looking at Julie. “Like are there more than one of you?”

Julie winced slightly but covered it with a smile. “No, like, when you find a lost jacket but you don’t know whose it is, what would you say?”

“Someone lost a jacket?”

“Or someone lost their jacket,” Julie explained. “If you saw someone walking a dog but couldn’t see if the person was a guy or a girl and you wanted to point out the dog, you could say, ‘Look at their dog.’ ”

“So,” Luke hesitated. “Julie seems sad today and we want to help them feel better.”

Julie’s lower lip trembled.

“Julie’s one of my best friends and I’m so glad they’re in the band,” Alex said a bit more confidently.

“Uh, I think you mean you’re glad we’re in their band, dude,” Reggie corrected. “They’re the main attraction here.”

Julie’s eyes were wet. “Thank you, guys,” they said. “I really appreciate this.”

“Of course, Julie,” Luke said. “You do still want us to call you ‘Julie’, right?”

Julie nodded. “I like my name. And I’m not sure if I’m going to want to keep using they/them or if I’ll want to try other things too. For right now, she and they are both okay.”

Reggie nodded. “So, ‘Julie is great. They’re an amazing singer and she plays the piano well too?’ ”

“Yeah,” Julie said. “Exactly like that.” She paused. “Oh, um. I haven’t come out to Carlos, or my dad, or Flynn, or anyone else yet, so if you could only use ‘they’ when no one’s around that can hear you?”

Alex grinned. “That’s most of the time, Julie.”

“Duh,” Julie said, hitting their forehead with their hand. “I knew that.”

“You told us first?” Reggie asked. He grinned at Alex and Luke. “Guys, they really do love us!”

Julie tried to scowl but they were smiling too hard for it to have any weight. “You know I love you. Now let’s stop wasting time and practice!”

Reggie and Alex grinned and jumped up, Reggie to grab his bass and Alex to grab his drumsticks. Luke lingered by Julie for a moment.

“You know we care about you, right?” he asked softly. “And making sure you’re happy is never a waste of time?”

“I know,” Julie said with a smile. “I know.”

[lyrick-buffpuff]

A Lyrick Portfolio

Some of my best/favourite works put into a post for zine applications.

Under the cut are these fics, in order with links, desc, & tags: 1. The Negotiation Gone Wrong, A LoV Fam Fic 2. Shigaraki’s Favourite Game, A ShigaDabi Fic 3. In The Shadows, An Aizawa-Centric Fic 4. Comfort, A Sero/Kaminari Fic 5. Unwavering, A Nao-Centric Fic 6. Big Sis Mag, A Magne Character Study/Backstory Exploration 7. Painted Devotion, A Spinaraki Fic 8. Wounded, A Shinso/Ojiro Fic 9. Sparkle, A Aoyama & Monoma Friendship Fic

The Negotiation Gone Wrong BNHA - League of Villains - Canon-Compliment Words: 3,939 Characters: Shigaraki Tomura, Kurogiri, Mr. Compress, Magne, Twice, Toga, Spinner, Dabi Ship: Gen/Fam Fic CW: Violence (mostly canon-typical), Blood, Death, Knives Description: The League is formally invited to forge an alliance with another group. Tomura doesn't like their tone nor the assumption they made about the League's true goals. He will deliver the message personally. But what happens when he finds out he was lied to about the real reason he received an invitation?

Shigaraki’s Favourite Game BNHA - League of Villains - Canon-Divergence Words: 4,937 Characters: Shigaraki Tomura, Dabi, Kurogiri, Mr. Compress, Toga Himiko, Twice, Spinner, Big Sis Magne Ship: ShigaDabi CW: Eh. basically 100% Fluff, humor, and slight agitation. Small drug mention later tho [like very smol]. Decsription:  Dabi is sent to go wake Tomura up, he fuckin’ overslept again. Only when he gets up there, Tomura hadn't overslept. And Dabi wouldn't believe what he saw if he hadn't seen it. If he wasn't in love with the asshole before, he definitely was now.

In The Shadows BNHA - Pro-Heroes - Canon-Divergence Words: 1,369 Characters: Aizawa, Oboro, Kurogiri, Sero Ship: Gen/Friend Fic CW: Mentions of Death, Thought Loops, Introspection, sorta a Hurt/Comfort Description: Aizawa speaks to both Shirakumo and Kurogiri once more in a time of need. Feeling immensely alone and trapped trying to figure out what he should do, he talks to them.

Comfort BNHA - UA Students - Canon-Dviergence Words: 1,125 Characters: Sero, Denki, Tamaki, Mina, Kirishima Ship: Sero/Kaminari  CW: Canon-Typical Violence, Injuries, Mentions of Anxiety, Mentions of Medication, Panic Attack, Hurt/Comfort, Angst Outtake: “I ran back.” Denki’s voice is soft and rough. The look of self-deprecation increases as the darkness in Denki’s eyes grows. “After I came to, all I saw was fighting and everyone’s quirks flying without rhyme or reason. I couldn’t focus on what was happening and I got scared and- and I just ran. I ran away like a fucking coward. I was supposed-” Hanta shakes his head, he feels the colour drain from his face. “Denki. Look at me.”

Unwavering  BNHA - Civilians - Canon-Divergence/Canon-AU Words: 634 Characters: Nao Shimura, Mako, Chizuo Ship: N/A CW: feelings of not being supported Description: Nao's parents try to talk her out of a decision she's not going to change.

Big Sis Mag BNHA - League of Villains - Canon-Compliment/Divergence Words: 2,256 Characters: Magne, Toga Himiko, Twice, Mr. Compress, Shigaraki Tomura, Spinner, Dabi, Kurogiri Ship: Gen/Fam Fic CW: Misgendering, Dysfunctional Family, Canon-Typical Violence, Backstory Exploration Description:  A life of social chains weighed Magne down until she broke free. Now that she's been able to fly, she's never going back to anything remotely like that life she once survived.

Painted Devotion BNHA - League of Villains - Canon-Divergence Words: 2,187 Characters: Spinner, Shigaraki Tomura, Dabi, Toga Himiko, Mr. Compress, Twice Ship: Spinaraki CW: Fluff. That’s it. Straight up gaymer fluff. Description/Outtake: Spinner thinks about his devotion to Shigaraki and proceeds to get teased by Dabi and Toga. ~~~ “A few days ago, I came to a realization, of sorts.” “Is that so?” “Yeah. I, uh… I wish I were the slightest bit inclined in the arts, in painting.” “And why is that, Shuichi?”

Wounded BNHA - UA Students - Canon-Divergence Words: 1,778 Characters: Shinso, Ojiro, Aizawa, Recovery Girl, Dabi Ship: ShinOji CW: Injured Cat. Fluff. Soft confessions.  Outtake: “You’re running late too? What were you doing off campus?” The uncontrollable urge to smile hits Shinso, almost making him trip. The tailed hero student smiles. “Visiting my parents for the weekend; and you?” “Visiting Eri.” Ojiro does a once over before suppressing a chuckle. “Are you smuggling something in your bag there or are you trying to fix your awful back posture?” Shinso gives the other a huff of laughter.

Sparkle BNHA - UA Student - Canon-Compliment Words: 867 Characters: Aoyama, Monoma, Denki Ship: Gen/Friend Fic Description/Outtake:  Monoma and Aoyama converse over a meal together. Monoma's slightly surprised at how much he likes mingling with the competition. ~~~ Aoyama claps. “You brought the non-alcoholic wine!” Kaminari’s smile falters to Monoma’s enjoyment, but only for a second. “Aoyama, I didn’t know I was supposed to buy anything fancy, you shoulda told me! I thought you preferred this kind…” In a moment of graciousness, Monoma waves Kaminari’s worries off. “You are correct. That is his favourite. We’re just higher class than you. Only peasants refer to non-alcoholic wine as ‘juice’. But of course, you wouldn’t know that, now would you?”

[thechildoflightning]

The Kübler-Ross Model Ch2- Anger

Title: The Kübler-Ross Model [Masterpost]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: background LAMP, Elliot/Mitchell

~~~

Chapter Title: Anger- Chapter Two

Summary: 

Stage Two: Anger- Characterized by high energy and coped up frustrations that begin to pour out by lashing out at others or yourself.

In which Remy is angry about everything.

Warnings: Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Verbal Fights, Toxic Relationships (hinted at), Transphobia (mentioned), Exclusionary Rhetoric (mentioned), Ableism

[ao3 link]

~~~

Anger- Chapter Two

“Selected: Voicemail. One item. Tab one of one,” Remy’s phone says, sounding almost bitter. Remy sighs, at this point already knowing who it’s from. He puts his finger to the screen, sliding it around as he searches for the desired section.

“Voicemail.”

One finger down.

“Daniel Zurko. M-”

Double tap.

“Remy. This is childish and has gone on way too long. I canceled the credit card. I expect you to call me so we can get you home. I get that you’re upset, but this is not the way to deal with it. You think I’m the bad guy but I am doing what’s best for you Remy, I always have. You need to grow up. You’re an adult now, act like one. Call me. Come home. Now.”

-

Moving into the dorms is a surprisingly low-key event. Remy gets to move in early, as does Kai, so they're not trying to get things done in the time most of the freshman are piling in. It’s a lot nicer that way. They don’t have people on top of them- actually they have pretty much no one on top of them- and that lowers Remy’s stress by a lot.

Except, this definitely wasn’t something he’s stressing about.

Okay, maybe he's been stressing about it a little bit.

It’s well- it’s just this an entire new place and the campus is huge. He’s visited a few times now to start getting a layout, but he knows it’s going to take weeks before he can find his way around with ease. It’s nice to start on that when no one else is here yet. It gives Remy space and he feels a little bit less self-conscious.

(It’s stupid that he feels self-conscious at all, he shouldn’t, but he does, so there’s that).

Kai and him get their dorm set up and decorated as well.

Or well- it’s mostly Remy setting things up while Kai comments snarkily from the corner that the bed doesn’t line up perfectly. (They had to move everything a bit to make space for Cha-Cha). Remy doesn’t really mind because it’s nice to see Kai relaxing. He seemed uncomfortable and unsure when he admitted that he couldn’t do any of the heavy lifting, so Remy takes the return to teasing as a good sign.

They decorate the dorm next and it’s fun and it’s easy and Remy’s really thinking he’s found a friend in Kai. 

Then Kai falls silent.

“Kai?” Remy asks when he stops making comments every two seconds.

“Yeah?”

“You good?”

Kai hesitates and Remy frowns. Remy’s about to ask a follow up question, but Kai beats him to speaking.

“Hey so, I brought two pride flags. I was hoping I could put them up in our room.”

Oh.

“Of course,” Remy says easily.

“I- yeah?”

“Yeah. Kai we’re literally in gender-inclusive dorming right now. But I mean, even if we weren't, yeah of course you can,” Remy insists, voice firm and even.

“Okay,” Kai says. He relaxes. “Okay.”

The tension in the room evaporates and Remy breathes out.

“Which flags?” he asks, curiosity peaking.

“Trans and demiboy,” Kai tells him.

Remy didn’t know you could be both trans and a demiboy. But that's probably better to google than to bug Kai with right now.

“I didn’t know there was a demiboy flag,” he admits.

The comment seems to perk Kai up and he explains to him the dark grey-grey-blue-white-and reverse of the demiboy flag. The two of them hang the flags up together. 

Kai gives him a hard time about hanging one up the wrong way and it takes Remy a solid minute to remember that both flags are reversible. He flips Kai off and scowls. Kai just laughs. The conversation turns casual once more.

“Oh!” Kai says at one point, moving quickly to sift through a bag on the other side of the room, “I got a thing and you can tell me if you hate the thing and if so I can return it, but you said that you have some light perception so…” he trails off.

There was a pause for a moment where neither of them said anything.

“Thoughts?” Kai eventually asks again.

“On?” 

“Ah man- you can’t see it?”

“Don’t know if we’ve talked about this yet but I’m blind actually,” Remy snarks back.

Kai groans.

“No just- okay catch.”

“Please tell me you’re not about to chuck something at a blind person Kai.”

The object lands softly next to him on the bed. Remy doesn’t know if that was intentional, or if Kai just failed to hit him. Either way Remy sighs and picks it up. The object is a box and has a thin circular button at one corner, but he still has no clue what it is.

“They’re fairy lights,” Kai explains, “Sorry. You said that you liked light and I thought you’d be able to see it because you said that you could see light.”

“Some light,” Remy says. He holds it up to his eyes and now he can barely see little tiny specs of light. “And I can kinda see it now. Is the box completely clear?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“Uh…”

“I told you I liked light. You went out of your way to get fairy lights for our dorm. It’s an awesome idea, not your fault my eyes don’t work.”

“Yeah but the gift kind of failed.”

“Well if you like them we can still keep them. And if not- well you said you can return them? Depending on where they’re from we can see if we can find fairy lights I can actually see,” Remy suggests.

“Oh my gosh we could- there was a ton of options.”

Remy nods and stands up.

“Okay, where too?”

“Right now?” Kai asks.

“I mean it depends on where you got these, but yeah? I mean we have the time.”

That they do, now that they’ve mostly finished.

“Target. So there’s gotta be one locally.”

They spend a few minutes online, figure out the address, and then Remy’s getting up to go. He gets Cha-Cha in her harness and grabs his things before opening the door for a swing and waiting for Kai. Kai joins him at the door, hesitates for a second, and then grabs something right next to the door. At first Remy thinks it’s the bag, but Kai’s already holding that. Remy exits after him.

“I have a cane,” Kai says quietly. Which okay- that was the object by the door.

“Okay,” Remy says. “Do you want to take the bus?”

“No.”

Remy listens. He knows if it were him, he would just want somebody to listen.

“Okay. Where’s the Target?” 

Kai takes the lead and they’re off.

The Target is massive. But also Remy’s depth perception is shit so maybe it’s that but he’s pretty sure this is the largest Target he’s ever seen. By a lot.

“Holy shit this place is huge,” Kai remarks.

Remy murmurs his agreement. He hadn’t really known what living in a college town would mean. He’s starting to think he understands.

They make a beeline for the fairy lights which take up almost an entire aisle. They mess around, pressing all the buttons to light them up and see what their options are.

“I can’t see any of these,” Remy admits after a while, “The lights in here are too bright. But brighter and bigger is better, so if you find something that-”

“Remy there’s rainbow ones. Come here, come here, they’re shaped like rainbows.”

“We’re getting those.”

“They’re not that bright.”

“I literally do not care.”

They get the rainbow-shaped ones.

They head back- both a bit too excited about the rainbow-shaped lights to be considered socially acceptable. But also fuck socially acceptable so whatever. They’re adults and they can enjoy fairy lights. Step off.

Kai and him are talking when he suddenly stops and leaves Remy’s side.

“Hi,” Kai says, “Are you moving in today too?”

“I- uh- yeah- hi,” a person stutters.

“Oh cool! I’m Kai. He/they pronouns but he right now.” The jingling noise that follows is indication that Kai holds up his pronouns necklace. “And this is my roommate.”

It takes a second to long for Remy to realize he’s supposed to introduce himself. 

“I’m Remy,” he says, turning to face the stranger. “He/him.” 

Something inside of him clenches hard when he says those words. Clenches hards, grips his heart, and burns. It burns so much, choking Remy that he almost misses the strangers next words.

“I’m Elliot,” the now not-stranger says, “They/them.”

“Nice to meet you Elliot,” Kai says.

They don’t get must further in conversation because another person speaks up.

“El, hon? Who’s this?”

“I’m Kai, he/they, he right now. This is Remy, he/him. We just moved in here across the hall.”

“Oh you get to do that whole move in early stuff too? You’re blind, right?”

The second question is obviously directed at Remy, so he answers both.

“Yeah and yeah.”

“Huh. Well I’m Mitchell, I’m his boyfriend.”

A boyfriend who just misgendered their partner apparently. But Elliot doesn't say anything and Remy just met them so he doesn’t say anything either.

“Uh, nice to meet you,” Remy offers. Kai offers the same pleasantries.

“Okay. Well Elliot, we should get to finish moving you in. You still have a lot of stuff and if you’re going to make me help you I don’t want to be here all day.”

“If you need to go you can,” Elliot says.

“What, you trying to get rid of me already? Plus come on, you’re not going to be able to do it all yourself. And you’re wasting time. Let’s go.”

“Okay,” Elliot says, “Yeah.”

“He’ll talk to you later,” Mitchell tells the two of them.

“I- Right,” Kai says, “Well, Elliot I- we’re just down the hall. 204. So, anytime, pop by, yeah?”

“Yeah alright I-”

“Yeah he might, bye.”

“Elliot seems nice. But Mitchell doesn’t seem like the nicest guy,” Kai comments when the other two have presumably exited earshot. Remy gives a shrug and a slight nod in response. He pulls out his key and finds the lock on their door before pushing it open with a swing.

“Fairy lights?” he asks.

“Fairy lights,” Kai agrees.

Remy still ends up not being able to see them all that well- though they were certainly better than the first set. But rainbows, so he counts it as a win.

When they’ve finished decorating their room, Remy relaxes on his bed and pulls out his phone. He plugs in his headphones and opens google. Kai had both the trans and demiboy flags. Remy wants to know what that means.

He researches a lot about being non-binary and trans and he reads a lot about the exclusionist who demand you have to be identify as binary and experience crippling gender dysphoria to be considered trans. Everyone else is just faking or special or being dramatic. He thinks of Kai and he frowns. He ignores the exclusionists.

He finds celebrations of being trans and non-binary and being happy that way. He finds non-binary people who consider themselves trans and others who don’t. He finds the range of non-binary from androgynous presentation to falling to the extreme sides of masculine or feminine. He learns that people can also be assholes about that, about how many people expect non-binary people to look “watered down male.” He learns that non-binary looks like anything and everything. He finds people who are trans that use all sorts of labels. He finds people who are trans and are binary. He finds people who are trans with all levels of fluctuating dysphoria, stages of transition- including not transitioning at all, and more.

He learns that there’s so many more ways to be trans than he previously thought.

He hates it.

He hates it because it means something to him, means something to him more than just being an ally. 

The transgender umbrella is amazing and beautiful and there’s so many people who have so many experiences, some they share, some they don’t. It’s a wonderful community and it’s gorgeous and Remy-

He’s angry.

He’s so fucking angry. Because he’s Remy and he’s a boy and he’s eighteen and he’s lived this way his entire life and this is who he is he’s Remy and he’s a cis guy and-

And what if he isn’t?

He squeezes his phone tightly in his hand. Hard enough apparently that Kai asks if anything’s wrong. He starts to answer no when he gets a phone call. From his dad.

He hits ignore angrily and stands up, shoving his phone in his pocket.

“I’m going for a walk,” he announces, and barely takes the time to grab his shoes before he’s slamming the door behind him. He doesn’t even bother with Cha-Cha, grabbing his cane instead.

-

That first week goes fast and soon enough everyone else moves in. They meet a few people, and start talking to Elliot. When Mitchell’s not around Elliot’s really funny. When Mitchell is around they short of shut down and Remy hates it. A little fire burns in his chest each time it happens. 

They go to the freshman movie night and both Elliot and Kai are already learning to give a shitty description of what’s going on on screen and they all laugh and the people next to them hiss at them to be quiet. It’s okay. It’s nice.

Before long, classes start and Remy remembers how frustrating it can all be.

He’s been working with disability services since he committed to the school. Over the years he’s learned that early is almost always better, because everything just takes time and then there’s issues and delays,  it’s a long process. 

It’s also Remy’s first time doing this alone and he makes mistakes and he feels like an idiot and he can’t help but hate his dad a little bit because he’s been asking to do some of this himself for years now, to get used to it, get some practice. His dad had always refused and now Remy is woefully underprepared. 

It reminds himself of when he was first going blind. When everything was new and confusing and he constantly felt lost and alone. 

It’s been years since he felt like that. 

He doesn’t like feeling like that. 

He figures the accommodations out in the end and gets the things he needs to set up. Note taker, permission to record, extra time, accessibility devices approved, and requests to all his professors to have things ready and accessible. It should all be good to go. But, there’s of course hiccups because there always is. And a week into school, he still doesn’t have notes from one of his classes.

It’s absolutely infuriating.

Because now he has a paper to write and he has to listen to the entirety of three separate lectures to find the things he needs.

It sucks and it’s unfair and time consuming and Remy hates it. He clenches a fist as he pauses the recording and goes back once more. 

It’s something so small but it makes him so goddamn frustrated.

He plays it again but he can’t hear it this time because at that exact moment Kai laughs from his corner of the room where he’s skyping his girlfriend.

He pauses the recording.

“Can you be quieter?” he hisses out, “I’m trying to write a paper.”

“Yeah. Sorry Rem. Want me to put in headphones?”

It’s a nice offer.

“Yes.”

“Okay,” Kai agrees. He gasps a bit when he stands, pauses for a moment. Remy doesn’t restart his recording and listens, slightly concerned. But Kai moves after a moment, grabbing his headphones from the desk next to Remy. He’s limping slightly.

When he returns to his bed and has the headphones in, Remy takes a breath and presses play.

And pauses a moment later because Kai’s a bit too loud again. It’s unfair- Remy knows it is- because Kai’s really not that loud. But it’s loud enough to be distracting and Remy cannot deal with this tonight.

“Can you shut up?” he snaps.

“...I ...Uh?”

Remy is so angry.

“Whatever. Forget it,” he huffs. He saves his work and shuts his laptop with a snap. He shoves it, his braille display, and the recorder in his bag. He grabs his phone and shoves it in his pocket. Grabbing his bag he heads for the door. He barely spends the time to get Cha-Cha in her harness.

“Remy- come on- wait-”

“I’m going out,” he hisses. The door slams behind him. It seems to be doing that a lot lately.

“Oh hey Remy,” Elliot says almost the moment he’s out the door. 

“I’m going to the library,” Remy grumbles and moves past them. 

“Okay,” Elliot says, running a few paces to catch up with him, “Can I join you? I have this thing for religions and-”

“No. You can’t join me,” Remy snarls, and pulls away. 

Elliot stops, stumbling for words behind him. Remy leaves them behind. He doesn’t feel bad. He doesn’t.

He goes to the library and finds a corner that’s empty. He sets his things up and tries to focus. 

He still can’t. 

He had to keep rewinding and replaying the lecture because he still doesn’t have the notes even though he was told he’d start receiving them a week ago. He checked again the other day and he was told he’d definitely have them by today. 

He doesn’t have the notes. 

He doesn’t know what to do. 

He’s mad and he’s angry and he’s frustrated and he’s so pissed and he thinks it’s a bit extreme but definitely not unreasonable. He hates this. Hates it. 

He used to hate being blind. Over the years he’s learned that’s not the part that frustrates him. It was scary at the time, sure. But losing his sight wasn't the upsetting part- the upsetting part was being in a world who wasn’t willing to meet his needs. A world that was certainly able to meet his needs, or attempt to if they really couldn’t, but wasn’t willing to even try.

It’s ableism that he hates, not being blind.

With a sigh he packs up his things. He’s not getting anything else done tonight. He pulls out his phone and messes around with it a bit, trying to ward off the creeping frustrations that are starting to overwhelm him. He feels choked up and he’s not sure why. 

Then he gets a call.

For a millisecond he thinks it might be Kai. 

God he was a dick to Kai wasn’t he? If Kai’s calling him Remy can apologize. He can make things right and things will be fine. It’s fine. 

It’s his dad. 

Remy chucks his phone. 

It’s extreme and so fucking stupid but he’s suddenly furious and he doesn’t know what to do about it. His phone goes skittering across the floor and the two people quietly murmuring near him fall silent. Remy sighs and hates himself a little bit.

He takes a breath.

It doesn't help.

He takes another.

It doesn’t help. Nothing’s helping.

He has Cha-Cha get his phone.

When she brings it back to him he checks it for cracks and then goes to his contacts. He finds the one he needs and double taps to call.

The phone rings twice before it’s answered.

“Hey,” Remy saus, “I- can I spend the night at your place?”

“Yes,” is Virgil’s immediate response, “Are you safe? Do you want a ride? I’m not home right now but I can text Patton.”

Remy checks the time. It’s not too late. The cool air will probably do him good anyways.

“I’m safe,” he confirms, “No to the ride. I’ll be there soon.”

“Okay,” Virgil says. He pauses, “Love you Remy.”

Something burns in his throat.

“Okay. Okay yeah,” Remy chokes out. He hangs up and blinks back tears, refusing to cry. He wants to scream. He doesn’t- everything’s just so much right now and he doesn’t know what he’s feeling anymore.

He packs his things up. Grabs Cha-Cha. Heads to Virgil’s apartment.

On his way there a random person grabs him by his shoulder and asks him if he needs help. He grits out a terse “no.” He gets a “well you don’t have to be rude about it. I was trying to help!” Remy’s teeth grit further, making an odd little screeching noise and causing pain to run all throughout his mouth. He doesn’t risk saying anything more, and just pushes past the stranger.

He knocks on the door when he arrives. He still has a key, but doesn’t really feel like digging through his bag. 

It’s Patton who greets him.

Remy shuffles off his shoes at the door, mind blurring. He hears Patton say something about Virgil and the library, he should've texted you- but Remy misses all the details.

“Hey Remy, are you okay?”

Remy is not.

He’s going to tell Patton he’s fine. He is. He promises he is.

He doesn’t end up saying that, but even he isn’t expecting what he says next.

“Patton, how did you know you were trans?”

“Oh,” Patton says, “Oh.” 

And that’s when Remy finally bursts into tears.

~~~

taglist below

-ask to be added or removed-

@mewithanie @eddies-spaghetti @lemonyellowlogic @savioursailor @goldteethandacurseforthistown @you-betcha-weirdo

[sideoffiction]

The Need to Lie

Relationship: Platonic DLAMP

Warnings: Dysphoria, Unintentional Misgendering, spoilers for Agatha Christie's And Then There Were None, Deceit might be a little OOC, idk

Summary:  Deceit is the embodiment of lies: any lie Thomas has ever told, or ever will tell, is placed onto Deceit. But this. This is a lie Deceit wishes didn’t have to be told, a secret that didn’t have to be hidden. Deceit wishes that this truth could be screamed across rooftops. But instead, it is kept hidden from everyone: from the other sides and even Thomas. And it breaks her heart.

Me: Look at all of these fics I can work on right now My Brain: Trans Deceit Me: Whaa? My Brain: Trans. Deceit.

Just a warning: I know nothing about women’s clothing, so if the outfit doesn’t make sense, don’t yell at me. 

This is also posted on AO3, I’ll post the link in a reblog.

I hope yall enjoy, at least a little. 

Deceit is the embodiment of lies: any lie Thomas has ever told, or ever will tell, is placed onto Deceit. But this. This is a lie Deceit wishes didn’t have to be told, a secret that didn’t have to be hidden. Deceit wishes that this truth could be screamed across rooftops. But instead, it is kept hidden from everyone: from the other sides and even Thomas. And it breaks her heart.

Deceit doesn’t quite remember when she figured it out. All she remembers is one day, she knew who she really was, and she didn’t know what to do from there. But, of course, she had to keep up her image, and so she suffered and showed nothing but a lie whenever she saw others.

She kept it hidden pretty well, only showing her true self behind closed doors. It was easy when she was a dark side. But then, she slowly started showing up more and more in the light side of the mind, and soon she became a part of them. When that happened, she started being able to show herself less and less. The only time she had was when she would wake up before the others and she would wear her favorite clothes and do her makeup and hair. Sometimes, she would do it at night, when she can’t sleep, as a way of relaxing. She would stare into the mirror when she is done, looking at her true self, and feel a pang of sadness at the thought that she can’t be like this all the time.

Today was just like any day. Deceit wakes up at an ungodly hour, and starts her day. She sits at her vanity, and starts to do her makeup. She hums softly, some musical Thomas has been listening to non-stop lately. When she finishes her makeup, almost an hour later (don’t judge her, she goes all out at every opportunity she gets), she starts to pick out her outfit. She goes for a simple crop top and jean shorts. Today feels like a simple outfit day, despite only being able to wear the outfit for an hour tops.

Deceit lays back down on her bed, and stares up at the ceiling. What else can she do? She can’t exactly leave the room like this. Who knows what the others would say if they saw her. They would probably kick her out, and back into the dark side of the mind. Deceit can picture it now.

Roman with pure rage as he grabs his sword and forces her out of the light side.

Virgil with a look of pure disgust on his face as he sits by watching.

The sound of Logan talking about how illogical it is that Thomas could have a female side, despite being male.

And Patton, sitting there, not saying anything, looking at her with a disappointed look in his eyes.

No. Deceit can’t tell them. They can never know.

Deceit feels a slight movement in the mindscape, letting her know that there is another side awake. She sighs. She doesn’t want to get dressed but she has to. Deceit shuts her eyes tightly and snaps her fingers. When she peers out again, she can’t help the disappointment she feels upon seeing her usual outfit. She knows that if she looks in the mirror she will have the same result: all of her makeup will be gone and she’ll look like her usual self. She takes a deep breath, closes her eyes once more, and sinks out of her room.

She pops into the kitchen, where the first thing she notices is the sound and smell of coffee brewing in the pot on the counter. She glances around and sees Logan sitting at the counter, engrossed in some book. He hasn’t noticed her yet, even as she makes her way over to the now finished coffee, and pours two mugs. She adds cream and sugar to one, and leaves the other black. She grabs the one with cream and sugar and brings it over to Logan, placing it down in front of him. She watches as he looks up with a surprised look on his face.

“Thank you, Deceit. I hadn’t noticed that you had arrived, nor did I notice that the coffee was done.” He looks down at his coffee and frowns slightly. “I’m sorry, but I actually prefer my coffee black.”

Deceit stares into Logan’s eyes with an unimpressed look, as if to say “are you serious?” Logan sighs, and picks up the coffee.

“I apologize, I sometimes forget that you are the literal embodiment of lies, and thus know when I am lying.”

“It’s not fine” Deceit replies softly, going back to grab her own coffee. She takes a sip as she walks back over to Logan, relishing the bitter taste. She sits down next to him, and glances at the book he is reading once more: And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie. He seems pretty far into the book, it is quite possible that he has already figured out who the murderer is. Still…

“The murderer isn’t Wargrave.” She says with a smirk. Logan looks up at her and smirks as well.

“I had already figured out as much, but thank you for the insightful information into the novel.”

“It’s a problem.” They fall into a comfortable silence as Deceit drinks her coffee and watches Logan read the book. Logan just about finishes the book by the time another side pops into the kitchen. It’s Patton, who tiredly makes his way over to the coffee machine to make his own coffee. He pours as much cream and sugar as he can without causing the mug to overflow, then makes his way over to the two of them. He does a double take when he notices Logan’s mug, which is still halfway full, Logan being too engrossed in the book to drink it.

“Logan, I thought you only liked black coffee.” Deceit has to hide her smile as Logan tries to come up with an excuse.

“Uh, you see Patton… Deceit here made my coffee this morning, and he doesn’t know how I like it. I didn’t want to be rude and not drink it.” Patton, still a little tired, takes a minute to process what was said, but when he does, he smiles.

“Aw, Logan, you do care!.” Logan sputters slightly at that, and tries to deny it, but Deceit shakes her head, to show just how much of a lie it would be. Logan backs down, and just grumbles to himself.

As the morning progresses, and the other two sides make an appearance, the kitchen slowly becomes a place of life and noise. But the more people there, the more people there are to tell a lie.

“Can you ask Dee if he wants pancakes or waffles?”

“He said it doesn’t matter.”

“Can you ask him if he wants any special toppings?”

“He says he doesn’t care.”

He, he, he. It’s all Deceit hears. And she wants so badly to say something, but she knows she can’t. She just has to deal with this everyday reality for as long as she possibly can.

Later on in the day, Thomas decides to do a video.

“What is up everybody?” is heard throughout the mindscape, as the sides listen in anticipation, hoping for an opportunity to turn the video into a Sanders Sides video. Deceit decides to tune it all out, as she is rarely ever needed for videos, even since being accepted by the light sides. Because of this, she is caught of guard when she is summoned into the real world.

She looks around as the other sides look at her expectantly. She tilts her head in confusion. “I totally know what is going on right now.”

“Thomas here summoned us because he has been feeling weird lately. He’s also had a sudden urge to make a video on respecting pronouns, and while Roman claims it wasn’t his idea, we decided to do it anyway.”

“And why wasn’t I summoned for this?”

“Well kiddo, first things first, we want to know your pronouns!”

Deceit stares confused. Why would they ask her for her pronouns? She just assumed that they all believed that all the sides were he/hims because Thomas is. Logan notices her confusion and provides some insight.

“As previously mentioned, Thomas has been feeling weird, and we believe this urge for a pronouns video has something to do with it. Maybe, if we all discuss our pronouns, as well as our friends’ pronouns, we may be able to get to the bottom of whatever is making him feel this way.” Deceit nods as it is explained to her, it all makes sense. The problem is, Deceit can’t get out of this through lying. If she tries to speak, the lie that would come out would be he/him, instead of the she/her lie that they would expect.

“So kiddo, what pronouns do you use?”

Deceit could get out of this by not saying anything, by ignoring the question and sinking out as soon as she can. But she knows that would just make them curious, and cause them to stop at nothing to figure it out. Or maybe her not responding would be just as telling as her saying it aloud. Maybe, just maybe, if she says it, they will forget that she can only tell lies, and believe it to be the truth. What other choice does she have?

“He/him” She replies as inconspicuous as she can. Please work, please work, please work...

“See Thomas, there is nothing to worry about here” Roman exclaims from his corner. “We are all he/him, and we all respect that about each other. So it cannot be us that is making you, eh… queasy, in a sense.”

Deceit tries hard to hide the sigh of relief that escapes her body. By the looks of it, she believes she has succeeded. That is until-

“Hold it.” Virgil replies from the stairs. The others halt their conversation and look over to Virgil. “Did you guys seriously miss that just now?”

“What is it now, Conspiracy Theory?”

“Deceit can only speak lies.” Deceit freezes at this and curses silently. Of course Virgil would be the one to pick it up, he’s known her the longest after all. They all stare at her, expecting her to say something, anything, but she can’t. She opens her mouth, but can’t seem to form the words that she wants to say. So she opts to not speak at all, and sinks out of the room as quickly as she can. She pops up into her room, and locks the door.

She goes and lays on her bed. What can she do now? By now, one of them has put together the pieces, and they’re probably up there right now trying to figure out how to get rid of her and send her back to the dark side of the mind. Maybe if she’s lucky, they’ll do it as nicely as possible. She feels tears start to well up in her eyes.

A soft knocking sounds throughout the room. Deceit holds her breath. “Kiddo?”

They sent the nicest side to send the worst possible news.

Deceit wipes her eyes and gets up, walking over to the door and opening it slightly. She sticks her head out slightly. “I don’t get it, ok. I’ll unpack my things and stay.”

“What are you saying Dee?”

“I’m saying that you guys want me here. I don’t understand.”

“Dee, no that’s not it at all. Can I come in please?”

Deceit opens the door all the way, and lets Patton in. She goes over and sits on her bed. Patton follows behind, and sits down next to her. They are quiet for a while, until Patton eventually speaks up.

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I knew you guys would accept me. I’m not a part of Thomas, I shouldn’t be the same gender as him.”

“You shouldn’t have to be!” Deceit looks up in shock at him. “Just because Thomas is one thing, doesn’t mean you have to be. You can be whatever the hell you want, and we’d still accept you.”

Deceit doesn’t know what to say. She continues to stare at Patton in shock. Tears build up into her eyes, this time falling freely down her cheeks.

“Oh, kiddo.” Patton suddenly pulls her into a hug. She sobs into his shoulder as he soothingly rubs her back.

“Let me tell you something kiddo.” Patton whispers to her through the hug. “You’re not quite the only one.”

Deceit pulls back slightly to look at him through tear blurred eyes. He notices the confusion on her face and continues. “I may not understand fully, I still use he/him pronouns so I don’t know everything you’re going through, but I do understand wanting to be more feminine. There have been many times when I’m in my room and I would wear a dress, just because it’s comfortable or just feels right. And I’ve also caught Roman quite a few times trying to do his makeup while wearing some sort of skirt. So, you have nothing to be ashamed of. We might not be quite like you, but we definitely won’t shun you for being you.”

Patton makes sure to look her dead in the eyes when he speaks next. “We love you, kiddo.”

He pulls her into a tight hug once more, letting her get all of her tears out.

That night, Deceit and Patton talk to the other sides (and Thomas) face to face, explaining why she ran off earlier. As Patton said, they were quick to accept her, not questioning it in the slightest. If that is what made Deceit comfortable and happy, then who are they to stop her. When Deceit finally made it to her room that night, she laid in bed for a while, processing everything that happened. Then she realized.

Tomorrow she can present as she wants in front of the others.

Deceit wakes up the next morning feeling... well, she doesn’t really know how to feel. Today is a big day, after all. She goes about her normal routine, putting a little more effort than usual into what she wears. She takes as much time as possible on her makeup, and spends forever figuring out what to wear. In the end, she ends up putting on a yellow snakeskin skirt, and a black top.

It’s not too long before Deceit feels movement in the mindscape. She smiles. She shuts her eyes tightly, and snaps her finger. When she opens her eyes, her outfit has been covered slightly by her cape, and her gloves and hat have appeared (she does still have an image to uphold, after all). She knows, however, that if she were to look into a mirror, her makeup will still be there. She closes her eyes again, takes a deep breath, and sinks out of the room.

When Deceit pops up into the kitchen, the situation is relatively the same as the previous day. Coffee sits waiting to be poured as Logan once again reads a book at the counter. Deceit goes over and pours two cups of coffee, bringing the sweetened one over to Logan. When she places it down, Logan looks up, less surprised than the day before about her being there and her making him his coffee. He doesn’t even say anything about how the coffee is made. However, his eyes widen in shock for a second when he notices what Deceit is wearing. Deceit nervously waits for what Logan will say about her outfit, or about her in general.

“You look nice, Dee.” is all he says, before taking a sip of his coffee. Deceit breathes a soft sigh of relief, and mumbles a quick “no thank you”, before going over and grabbing her own coffee.

She glances at the book Logan is reading when she gets back to the counter. It’s not a mystery this time, so there is nothing for her to really spoil. Instead she just sits, drinks her coffee, and watches him read silently.

Patton is the next side to arrive. He tiredly makes his coffee and walks over to them. He smiles slightly when he notices Logan’s coffee, the same as yesterday. It is then that he notices Deceit. All tiredness falls from his face as he takes her in.

“Aw, kiddo, you look so cute!” He says, rushing up to her.

“Be careful, Patton.You do not want to spill your coffee, do you?”

“Sorry, Lo.” Patton replies, slowing down and stopping in front of Deceit. “Dee, you look Dee-lightful! I love your outfit! . Oh, I would love to try it on sometime! Maybe we can play dress up together! Ooh ooh, maybe Roman could even join us!”

Deceit doesn’t know how to react; she’s not used to so much attention, especially to her outfit. Before she can say anything, Logan speaks up.

“Patton please, can’t you see that you are overwhelming Dee?” Patton then notices Deceit’s slightly uncomfortable look.

“Oops, sorry kiddo.” Patton sits down at the counter, next to them, trying to keep himself calm. They all fall into comfortable silence as they all drink their coffees and wake up more. Later on, Roman and Virgil show up. They both looked shocked at Deceit’s outfit, Roman more than Virgil.

“Look at you, Dee-who-cried-wolf! I love your outfit. And by gosh, your makeup! You have to show me how you apply it sometime! And...” Deceit zones out as Roman starts going on a tangent.She looks over to Virgil, who gives her a small smile and a thumbs up. She smiles back at him.

The morning progresses as usual, but Deceit can feel the difference. And it’s a difference that means the world to her.

“Can you ask Dee what she wants for breakfast?”

Yeah, she can get used to this.

[starshinewriter]

New chapter of Being Yourself is out now!!

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15039782/chapters/51232372

Chapter Title: Telling Part 5

Chapter Summary:  The triplets tell Della about them. Set sometime after 'Welcome Home'.

Alternative to Ao3: 

Huey was the one to bring it up, the thought of telling their mom about them. His siblings turned it down immediately, Dewey was too scared of her hating him or something and Louie didn't trust her. She had answered all their questions after the three of them asked even the inevitable 'why did you leave?' and Huey wanted her to know more about them. Even if his siblings didn't.

He could see both of their points, he knew how important a parent's acceptance was and he didn't completely trust her either, and it wasn't that he thought she deserved to know, he thought they deserved to tell her. They deserved to be able to their mom the truth about them. All of it.

Getting his siblings to see that though was easier said than done.

But in the end he told them he was telling her, with or without them. That had got their attention, he hadn't ever done that before, but this was something he really wanted to do. And the thought of doing it alone terrified him but if he had to he had to. He wasn't gonna pressure them, they could tell her when they decided they wanted to. But the thing was he knew Dewey did want to and was just scared. And the older brother in him was screaming at him to do something. The triplet brother in him knew that maybe that wasn't possible. It was up to Dewey to do that. He could give him advice when he asked for it however.

"Just be straight with her." He suggested.

"I can't do that!"

Huey gave him a look, "Dewey."  

He shrugged, "What? I can't." Huey continued to give him the look and he sighed, "That's easy for you to say, you're good at being direct, how do I know I won't say the wrong thing or whatever?"

"How would you say the wrong thing?"

Dewey sputtered at the confused look on his brother's face. "I don't know! I'd find a way though! I don't wanna mess this up, its mom I can't- I can't say something to make her hate me." He softly admitted as he turned away from Huey. "I'm not ready to tell her, Hue, what if she doesn't accept me? Accept us? Can't we wait a few more days?"

"You can if you want but I'm telling her, today."

Dewey turned back to him with resolve, "Then I guess I am too." Which only left one thing to take care of.

They both turned to their sibling, who had reminded quiet the whole time they had been talking. And stayed quiet as they tried to convince them to tell her too. It was hard to know what they were thinking exactly but their brothers had a pretty good guess.

"You don't trust her, that's fine, but aren't you tired of having to hide this? You've been dealing with hiding a part of who you are longer than we have, it doesn't seem very fair that you have to do it again. Tell her with us, and no matter how bad it may be we'll have your back. Promise." Huey told them. And Louie still thought it was a bad idea but if they had their back, things would be okay.

"I'm in." 

_______________________________________________________________

The three of them went to find Della, each of them growing more nervous as they did so. It was for different reasons but it all came back to the same thing, how would she react? And so, by the time they did find her they were having second thoughts. But they had come this far, they had to do it, now. They had a silent agreement that Dewey would go first so he was the one who got her attention. She smiled when she saw them; they tried to smile back.  

"Boys!" Louie tried to hide their flinch. "What's up?"

"We need to talk to you." Della nodded encouragingly. "Uh okay, I don't really know how to start this. I guess by now Dad's told you that we been through a lot, and figured a lot out. That's a bit of an understatement. Things weren't so good for us our first year here, and a little before that and sometimes we still struggle with things... I have problems with wanting to stand out, like a lot, and not always feeling like I belong. It's not as bad as it used to be, but it's still there." Dewey nudged his brother once he finished, not wanting the attention to be on him any longer.

"Okay guess I'll go next. There's a lot really but it boils down to my fear of the unknown and stress. I'm going to therapy for it now and it's helping a bunch, so much that I barely even think about it when I don't have to! But I still have bad days, bad periods, we all do; and I've figured out a lot about myself, including that I'm aromantic." Huey went silent after that waiting for Della's response. Thankfully he didn't have to wait long.  

"Thank you for telling me all this, it must've been so hard. I don't think any differently of either of you, you're my boys, no matter what happens or what you go through you will always be my boys. Dealing with all of that must've been difficult, it's a good thing you had each other, and our family." She turned to Huey. "Huey, I accept you, I'd accept you no matter what you told me about that stuff. I'd be a hypocrite not to." She added on with a wry smile.  

"We were right about no one in our family being straight." Dewey whispered to his siblings. Della looked at him amused and he knew that she heard, which meant he had to come clean about something else. "I'm gay." He admitted. And then the attention was on Louie.

"Oh boy my turn. This stuff really isn't easy for me to talk about and I don't exactly know how I feel about you right now but I was given a good point. I'm tired of keeping secrets from the people I care about. I have anxiety and self-worth issues, I haven't always been my biggest fan. I'm going to therapy too and talking to people about my problems but there are times when that isn't enough. It's hard, but it's not as hard as it used to be. And I also like guys... and am nonbinary." They tensed and their brothers put comforting hands on them, they were serious about having their back.

"Then I should apologize for calling you a boy. Misgendering people is wrong, I've always stood by that. Louie, thank you for telling me even if you're confused about me. Even if you didn't do it for me." She directed that at all of them and they gave her small smiles. She turned back to Louie, "What I told your brothers extends to you. No matter what happens you're my kid and I accept you no matter who you are. I'm glad things are easier for you now and I hope you'll let me be there when they're not, but I understand if that takes some time. For all of you." Their smiles grew and they raced to hug her.

It was true there was still some things to figure out and that this talk hadn't solved everything. But the triplets had gotten through everything else, they would get through this too. And the fact that it was a good thing and not a problem worked well in their favor. In all of their favors.

Family was the greatest treasure after all.

[jadecringecomp]

jade, of course, is still trying to deflect rather than own up to anything at all. im too lazy for screenshots so youre going to have to deal with text for this one. you can see their post here though. and if receipts are needed they are most likely on the callout blog or you can come to me if you cant find them.

“uses their own dead grandma as leverage out of nowhere literally months after the original argument”

jade are you really that braindead. like youre still just proving my previous point. youre still practically shitting on me for it. i gave a reason as to why that night was so traumatic for me because you keep trying to make it seem “like it wasnt that bad” by your own words!

also like uh, jade. you yourself have used your aunt having cancer as a reason to just... excuse every single action youve done. so again, take that and choke.

“abuses their own bf/ex but its fine because he abused her first lolololol!!!”

jade i... honestly have no words. youre still defending a pedophile, and you even admit he abused me. like, yes, i cheated on him. but how does the fact he is a pedophilic abuser not process through your head. why are you so set on defending that. a genuine question.

“flips back and forth on whether they were actually abused or not whenever it benefits her“

theres... nowhere that even says that in the link you posted. are you posting that to still try and imply i lied about the abuse you inflicted upon me or...?

“refriends their own ‘abuser’”

ok well one jade, you still have no actual proof ive befriended broden at all. all you have is a like on a fucking post. really how braindead is it possible to be at this point.

and regarding bailey, i never called her my abuser. you were the one to do that. you said she abused me after i showed you screenshots of what went down between us. and whats worse after i even came to you and showed you the screenshots and you got involved with that mess?? you still wanna try and say what happened was fake. like you wanna call me two-faced, yet youre so quick to change your mind once you realize that person doesnt benefit you anymore. 

also! for someone whos a survivor of abuse, you sure as hell dont realize a common thing between us survivors is literally going back to those who’ve hurt them right?? like you keep bringing this up as if im fucking lying about the whole thing when im not since again, i came to you while we were friends with the proof. i can even post them if need be. and honestly it doesnt even fucking matter anymore ive broken contact with her after shortly realizing my mistake.

“denies other ppls abuse just because they doesnt like them and a few vent discord messages means they knows literally everything abt it“

i can admit to saying i denied your abuse because there is actual proof that you werent abused two years ago, not because i dont like you. do you really just think nobody will believe proof right in front of them jade??? do you think youre some perfect princess who can do no wrong???? like jade the proof is right @deeancie, @estweri, @honeykeis-callout, and even here. you really expect me to just not believe it if i didnt hate you. you honestly need some real fucking help if thats the case jade.

and really like. if you say your bf clams up when you go to him... what else am i supposed to believe. sure i can be wrong, but reading that shit can really make you wonder what is going on between you two. and jade you wanna say that like you yourself dont do that shit. remember all the times you read vague text posts and would go on a tangent as if you knew every little thing about what was going on in my life. yeah kinda what i thought.

“says grooming minors is talking to people One time“

i love how you fail to leave out the fact that these people were minors and that youre practically defending loli. so if youre still talking to these minors and since youre still defending loli, then yes youre grooming minors into thinking loli is ok.

“straight up let a minor into their porn server on discord (they can go as rabid about this as they want but they still straight up showed an actual minor graphic porn but IM a pedophile bc i rb anime sometimes lmfao)”

again its been resolved. like ive acknowledged it was wrong of me to do and ive changed it. and how can you say you just rb anime sometimes when. you literally are reblogging this kind of fuckshit. like do you not remember reblogging that obviously naked child in a collar or what. the difference is i realized my wrong and changed it while youre still rbing actual loli.

“lied about the relationship (the one where they abused each other and she cheated on him with her other abuser???) having elements of pedophilia because they lied about her age”

this is so... ive told you i forgot. the ages. i was literally an age off for the both of us. like what else do you want me to do about this.

“has sketchy as fuck ocs, including one thats physically ten who would force their adult self insert to be naked around them and also drew them being physically beaten“

while the first was true (but i dont have that oc anymore), where in the fuck did i draw them being physically beaten lole??? are you pulling this out of your ass to deflect you yourself rbing beaten children????

and i swear to god if you bring up this comic, im going to scream.

“is a stalker and an abuser. by their own logic“

ok like. a couple of things to this. jade when are you going to get it through your thick skull i didnt give a shit if you were lurking or not, it was the fact you would comment on my every move. which is stalking by the way and incredibly creepy like get a life!

and an abuser “by my own logic”. the link you shared, again, doesnt show that anywhere. also with how badly of a hypocrite you are, thats you. you told me it was abusive to call people delusional. you started doing that once i realized my wrong and stopped. you told me it was abusive. you told me making people relapse was abusive. yet once i relapse you still didnt give a shit and somehow that makes you in the clear (though i still dont give a shit we both literally did that to ourselves the point is youre an abuser too to your own logic). you said trying to gaslight people is abusive (which it is). look at the stacks of proof i have of you gaslighting me. like i could go on but all the proof if here on this blog.

“oh and dont forget they foamed at the mouth that i didnt instantly know when they changed their pronouns but has been proven to have Actually knowingly misgendered me for weeks“

jade the fact you were lurking should make it fucking obvious you should have known my pronouns. and for weeks?? jade i misgendered you in your callout, which i immediately changed once pointed out. will you please stop lying to make yourself look victim and just tell the truth for once in your life.

“also apparently i can call them rae and its not deadnaming because its not their birthname so“

oh my god youre literally fucking braindead it hurts to watch at this point. no rae isnt my deadname. but i do prefer not going my that. the whole point of that was that you tried screaming transphobia because someone called you by a previous name you went by. you fucking dumbass.

“claims to have bpd but doesnt even know what cluster b is holy shit!!!“

what do i even say to this jade?? what does the fact i didnt know what that was at first matter to me having bpd??? also are you just gonna shrug off the fact that you first claimed you got misdiagnosed with autsim, then suddenly you do? you claimed to have bipolar disorder, then later you suddenly decide you have bpd??? kind of sketchy if you ask me!

“tries to send anons under my name but forgot that their friend levi doesnt even have me blocked so why the fuck would i go on anon if i would ‘sign’ it anyway hm“

a....... are you implying i was the one to send those....? is it because you realized once you did so it backfired?? jade for someone who wanted to claim i was the one making up conspiracies, you sure make up a lot of them.

in conclusion: jade you still are just deflecting! you still havent defended any of the shit me or my friends have called you out for! the fact you still havent admitted to them or so much as even defended the claims sure does speak a lot! stop deflecting and lying and just fucking come out about it!

[jasleh]

Philautia for the ask meme

oh boy, you didn't specify WoL or farmer (and on anon it's hard to guess which you might care about).... or question number -sweats- so uh.... guess we'll just see how much typing my wrists are willing to put up with this evening!

behind a cut 'cause even with bad wrists I'm prone to rambling

Does your OC have a healthy sense of their own worth and value? Or do they see themselves as failing to live up to their original potential? Perhaps they are convinced of their own sinful or inadequate nature?

for Rrahna... it's a bit of a mixed bag, really. on the one hand, it would be excessive self deception to not acknowledge that she can do what no one else can, and while she projects more confidence than she actually possesses, most of it is in fact real. on the other hand, I don't know that she sees much worth in herself outside of being the Warrior of Light, and it's not her expectations she strives to live up to, but everyone else's. Ultimately, however, I don't think this is a thing she thinks about very much. It just doesn't seem important to her.

My Sun Haven farmer, despite growing up surrounded by people who looked nothing like them, actually managed to develop a very healthy sense of their worth (their adoptive parents were really very good). While they have been known to... temper their opinions for the sake of diplomacy, she's never hesitated to look anyone in the eye - up to and including Dynus. Something is going to happen to them that will shake that self esteem down to the core, but by that point, they have a husband who is not about to tolerate any disrespect directed at his wife... even from his wife. (note: not misgendering. my farmer mostly uses they/them but also sometimes uses she/her and prefers 'wife' to 'spouse').

2. Does your OC believe that it is important to love themselves in the first instance? Perhaps in order to be able to give and receive love authentically? Or because they believe first and foremost in "looking after number one"?

Hmm, I think both are more or less in agreement on this one in that it can certainly help, but is not an absolute necessary prerequisite. neither one are terribly high on the "looking after number one" scale however lol. My farmer probably has the sturdier base of self love and Rrahna's higher on the self-sacrifice scale, but they're both relatively close in both.

3. Does your OC judge themselves by the same standards as they apply to others? Or are they sometimes hypocritical in condemning others for faults they also possess? Or perhaps they find it easier to forgive others for things that they cannot abide in themselves?

for Rrahna: hahaha absolutely not. Rrahna would never dream of holding anyone up to the standards that she feels she has to meet as the Warrior of Light. everyone else is allowed to be mortal. she has to be invincible, fearless, tireless, never wavering. absolutely none of that is true, but she does her very best to make it appear that way at great detriment to herself for the sake of everyone else's peace of mind.

my farmer's a bit more balanced on it. they have a moral code they hold themself to, and anyone who veers too far off of that is going to get judged for it, but she puts in more wiggle room for people who are not her. the judgement does tend to be silent, however. usually.

4. Which of your OC's qualities makes them the most proud? Do they think more people should be like them in this regard? Or do they quite like being rare in possessing it?

Rrahna is most proud of her skills as a monk (all IC, alas, I can't play monk well to save my life lol) because it's something she learned first from her father and is her strongest remaining link to him. while she tends to bring a scythe into battles these days, she would never let her skills slip. She is always a monk, first and foremost. And while she'd certainly like the practice to be less rare (and strongly supports the rebuilding of the Fist of Rhalgr), she certainly doesn't think it's for everyone.

my farmer is most proud of two things: 1) their ability to grow things, and 2) their mindset of seeing all people as just... people and fundamentally equal (although they acknowledge that for the general functioning of society some positions must be given a certain measure of respect, she does not feel it fundamentally places any given person over another). They very much support the spreading of both of those things. they anticipate a great many arguments with Darius on point 2, but they have centuries to work on him. Granted, he'll have those same centuries to work on her, so they might both end up budging at least slightly, but time will tell. her plan involves subtle nudges combined with stubbornly treating everyone like an equal. on point 1.... they know that eventually they'll probably have to deal with bodyguards. they plan to teach the bodyguards how to garden. please imagine a hulking demon guard trying to awkwardly hold a too-small watering can.

5. Has your OC always had the same opinion of themselves or has this changed over time? Have they learned to love themselves - perhaps with the help of others - as their journey progressed? Or have the consequences of their actions only served to erode their sense of self-worth?

ahaha, feel a bit like I covered this in some of the other questions. for the sake of my wrists, I may let those bits and pieces stand as the answer