#...this has gotten significantly off track. hope you enjoyed hearing about the state of my art during my initial lotr-enjoyer phase? :]

[chiropteracupola]

hi :) I saw in your tags you might draw boromir……..And uh. I’m just here to say I would absolutely looooooove to see your boromir 📯

well hooray! stay tuned, then - perhaps that'll be a reality sometime in the vague future!

[trainthief]

hello james hope you’re staying safe and healthy!! i’m moving to colorado next year (got my dream job :’)) and i’m really excited to spend a lot of time outdoors!! i’ve skied and snowshoed a ton, but i’m hoping to expand my repertoire. what resources/tips do you recommend for a beginner hoping to safely enjoy the rocky mountains?

First of all, congraturitos on the dream job! Very happy to hear some good news is happening to someone. Second of all, I’m happy to help, let me make you a list of suggestions: 

It sounds like you’ve got a solid amount of outdoors knowledge already, but if you’re not from the American West I would very much prepare yourself for a completely different experience. Colorado is a bit more tame than many of the states that surround it, but the intermountain west is where most of the public lands are, as you can see above. What this means is that your access to trails isn’t just limited to groomed out-and-back walks to a single viewpoint located on a contained plot of government-maintained land, although we do have those out here. Additionally, though, there’s tens of thousands of acres of unmaintained actual wilderness that you are allowed access to.  You should be aware of the risks you assume any time you step into the backcountry, because these are the last truly wild places left in North America, and at any given point you can assume you’re an entire mountain or two removed from the closest person who could offer help. But if you ask me it’s so much more thrilling to go out into the unknown where you’re not likely to see a single sign of human activity, and the views out there are so much better. 

Building off of that, you should familiarize yourself with the dangers of the area. Colorado has elk, moose, deer, a few bison, and plenty other of the more charismatic megafauna everyone wants to spot. They don’t have grizzlies, lucky for you, except the few that occasionally wander over the borders. But they do have black bears, cougars, and a wolf population that’s starting to re-establish itself. Of the ungulates above, I wouldn’t be too deeply afraid of any of them except bison. A bull moose or elk during rutting season might get pissed off by your proximity and charge you if you’re not careful, but at worst it will give you a good beating that you’ll still be able to walk away from. Bison are unpredictable and much more dangerous, but as I understand it Colorado has very very few in the wild, and coming across one by accident is extremely unlikely. As for the predators, a quick overview is that for grizzlies you’ll want to hit them with bear spray before dropping and covering your head and neck, for black bears you’re going to want to stand your ground and make it clear you’ll give them a tough time if they try to mess with you. Cougars I hardly feel like it’s worth worrying about, because they’re so secretive it’s tough to figure out where they are, and if one is in your vicinity you’re very likely not to know. But if one is stalking you and you manage to catch it, make yourself big, speak calmly but firmly, don’t retreat, let it leave the area and then go the opposite direction. For wolves, do the same but do retreat, as they don’t tend to get aggressive with humans and are likely acting territorial if they do. Never turn your back on any prey animal. Research these ideas in more depth, because I’ve really only given the basics here. Keep an eye out for tracks and scat and any other signs that an animal might have been around recently. I don’t tell you any of this to scare you off, and in fact one of my favorite pastimes is going off trail in search of some of these guys. But there are real dangers out there, and it’s been my experience that people who move west for better access to nature will often refuse to believe that they really are heading out into completely unmaintained territory, with all the dangers that come with it, and they tend to pay for that lack of respect sooner or later. At the end of the day, going into the backcountry means you’re going to have some close calls of some sort or another, and there’s no amount of learning about a situation that will make you fully equipped to handle it in real life. Things never go exactly the way they’re supposed to, I know a guy who fought off a grizzly with a trekking pole somehow, and while I personally have never gotten lost enough that search and rescue had to come after me I’ve got plenty of friends who have. Stuff happens, but having a baseline of knowledge you can rely on when it does means that you’re much more likely to live long enough to head back out into the wilderness again.

In addition to wildlife concerns, you should also stay aware of the natural dangers of the area. Download an avalanche tracking app and stay smart about what places you choose to venture into. Learn how to respond to avalanches as well, and consider dropping money on an avalanche beacon. I don’t have one, because they’re expensive, but that means if I ever get caught in an avalanche I’m pretty much toast. 

Try to make some friends who want to be outdoors, and have them show you the ropes of the area. It’s not recommended you ever hike alone, because it’s much more dangerous for a variety of reasons, but I have to admit I do most of my outdoor activities - including hiking and even backpacking - solo. The solitude and silence is part of the overall experience for me, as it might be for you. If that’s the case, be extra knowledgable, bring a backpack with emergency items, make noise along the trail so you don’t startle any wildlife (I will usually sing or whistle, anything to let animals know theres something distinctly human in the area), and always tell someone where you’re going. I’ve got more tips for solo hiking somewhere on my blog, so I won’t go on about it any more. 

If you’re looking for other excuses to get outdoors, you’re very likely to find some bouldering fanatics in Colorado, so that will be an option. This time of year the deer, moose, and elk are all shedding their antlers, so antler shed hunting is also one of my favorite activities. Here in Utah you need a license to go during the prime season, but I don’t know the restrictions in Colorado. There’s also mushroom hunting a bit later into the year, which is fun, as well as the more basic stuff like fishing, backcountry skiing, resort skiing, ATVing and snowmobiling, etc etc etc. Any excuse to get outdoors is always a good one. 

If it happens that where you’re moving is Denver, I should warn you that - while the coffee culture there is awesome - it’s significantly further from nature than even most people who live there think. You’re likely to be an hour’s drive away from the mountains, which isn’t insurmountable, and it’s very possible I’m spoiled by the fact that I live right in the middle of a mountain range and have the wilderness in my backyard…. But even so, make sure you commit yourself to getting outside, because working up the effort to get out the front door can sometimes be a lot, even for me. You should definitely try to avoid turning into the Denver stereotype the rest of the intermountain west likes to make fun of, because so many people there like to buy the latest Cotopaxi jacket and wear it to a million dollar cabin in the mountains that they rent on AirBnB, where they will never actually end up going outside. 

More basic pieces of advice: buy crampons, hike early in the morning or late in the afternoon to see more animals, wash your glasses with soap before you head out to keep them from fogging, the best trail mix is the cheap bulk stuff and not the fancy REI stuff you get for $15 a pound, the best hot chocolate for backpacking is and always will be Swiss miss, download the alltrails app and check it frequently to see if there’s anything to worry about on your favorite trails, always carry a knife with you because a knife is 20 tools in one, buy bear spray

Have fun out there!

[jamaisstae]

part two: japchae

runaway train

[ nonidol!yoongi x female!reader ]

  ┕ a story in which you are a college student running from home in search of a new adventure and min yoongi is a broke underground rapper who has no place to go.

          The continuous low rumble the train made as it rode over the tracks easily put you to sleep, but unfortunately, you found it hard to stay asleep. You were not used to sleeping in such a tiny bed, so you woke up multiple times with half your body hanging off the mattress; the tiniest of bumps nearly made you fall onto the floor. Though despite these hardships, you didn’t have much to complain about. You enjoyed the privacy of your little compartment. Once the curtain was drawn over the entryway, it was as if you were in your own little world, and you enjoyed that after a day of seeing the faces of nothing but strangers. The mattress wasn’t the comfiest thing you ever slept on, although that oddly added to the, dare you say, hominess that the compartment made you feel. Over the rattling of the train, you could just barely hear the snores of the other passengers in your train car… along with continuous movement inside the compartment across from you. 

          After nearly an hour of listening to the shuffling of feet from across the aisle, you decided to investigate what was going on. Groaning slightly as you sat up in your bed, you slowly stood to your feet. You had been nice and warm beneath the sheet on your bed, and the sudden chill that crept into your compartment past the glass in your window made you shiver. You pulled back your privacy curtain slightly to steal a quick peek at the commotion, surprised to find the warm yellow glow of a light on in the compartment across from you. Every other light in the train car was out, excluding the ones that lit the aisle between the compartments (although even those were dimmed significantly.) A shadow paced back and forth in front of you, cast onto the yellow glow on the floor from the tiny gap between the curtain and the floor. You could barely make out low mumbling, and you immediately know that it was coming from the boy whom you attempted a conversation with earlier: Yoongi. You took a step forward, ready to ask him what he was doing pacing back and forth in the middle of the night, but then you suddenly remembered the rather cold attitude he showed you earlier. You did not want to witness a repeat of that event, so you decided against intruding on his pacing.

          Instead, you simply pulled your curtain shut once more, turning around and returning to your warm bed. Pulling the blankets up and over your shoulders, you did your best to block out the shuffling of feet, but you found it hard to ignore the soft sounds. You ended up pulling the sheets all the way up over your head, blocking out the noise as best as you could to try and get a little sleep.

          The train stopped at a station in Busan early the next morning. One family in your train car hopped off, and another woman took their place. In her arms, she carried a young child, probably no more than three years old. You couldn’t help but wonder what their story was. Were they simply going on vacation? Or was the train their only form of transportation from one place to another? You wished you were able to speak with the woman, for you were longing for some type of human interaction, but she disappeared into her compartment far too quickly, pulling the curtain closed.

          It was barely six in the morning, and normally you would sleep for another two hours, but you knew that you wouldn’t be able to sleep any more if you tried. So you made your bed as nicely as you could for the sake of attempting to keep your compartment clean and pulled back your privacy curtain for the day. You then grabbed your duffel back from the overhead compartment, reaching into the side zipper and pulling out your cell phone. You were too scared to check your phone all day, but you knew that you couldn’t keep hiding from your family forever. Tentatively you turned the phone on, allowing the lock screen to be displayed brightly. You were taken aback by the number of notifications that appeared on the screen: dozens of missed calls from your parents, countless texts from your siblings. For a moment, you felt guilty; you hadn’t even thought of how scared your family would be to wake up to find you missing. 

          You decided to check your text messages first, clicking on your brother’s name to display the messages that he had sent you.

“Y/N where are you???”

“Mom and dad are freaking out.”

“Why won’t you pick up the phone?”

“Dammit Y/N… please be okay.”

“Knowing you, you just went on some spontaneous adventure. I hope I’m right. Please text me to let me know that you are alright.”

           You bit the inside of your cheek harshly to hold back the rush of emotion that rose in your throat. You quickly typed out a quick reply, a simple message that stated that you were okay, and sent it. Then, you moved on to the messages that your sister had sent you.

“Y/N we thought you left for your classes early… we didn’t realize something was wrong until dinner when you weren’t home…”

“Are you okay?”

“I hope you are.”

          Your mom left you a voicemail; you realized that it was nearly three minutes long. You wondered if you even wanted to hear it. You knew your mother was worried sick about you, for she loved you dearly, but you knew that half of the voicemail would be her scolding you for being so irresponsible and disrespectful for taking your dad’s money. You didn’t want to hear that, at least not now. Turning your phone off completely, you tossed it onto the bed and took a seat in the chair closest to the window. 

          You would talk to your family eventually, but right now, you needed to worry about yourself.

          You soon realized how hungry you were when your stomach rumbled loudly. Reaching into your backpack, you pulled out a shiny red apple that you had swiped from your kitchen. Wasting no time you bit into the juicy flesh, savoring the sweet taste with your eyes shut tight. The train had a couple food cars available for its passengers, but you decided that it was better to save your money and eat the food you brought from home while you still could… but you sure were craving some kimchi.

          You turned your head as movement beside you caught your eye. You noticed for the first time that Yoongi had gotten up, pulling back his curtain and moving briskly to the bathroom located on your train car. You stared after him in silence, chewing slowly, as you wondered if he had eaten. You hadn’t seen him eat anything, and since the dining car closed at eight pm, you knew he wouldn’t have been able to eat when you were asleep. You knew he must have been hungry, so when he returned from his trip to the bathroom, you pulled out another apple from your bag. Leaning over in your seat slightly, you held the fruit out to him. “Are you hungry?” He stared at you in bewilderment for a moment, and you hesitantly added: “I haven’t seen you eat anything, so I figured you must be hungry.”

          “I don’t need your charity, and I don’t need someone to look after me.” His words took you by utter surprise; his harsh tone sliced through your chest like a blade, releasing unwanted and unpleasant emotions. So much for a friendly gesture.

          Tears brimming the corners of your eyes, you stuffed the apple back into the bag. Hurt quickly turned to anger as you realized the amount of disrespect he just showed you, turning back to glare at him harshly. “I was offering you some of my food as a kind gesture, and you want to disrespect me like that? You are a very rude person and you should be ashamed of yourself.”

          You ignored the look of shock that spread across his features, standing up and pulling your curtain shut angrily. You were beyond mad, you were irate. Never had someone been so rude to you for offering to help them. Groaning in frustration, you plopped down in your seat once more. You turned your attention over to the snow-covered landscape moving by outside, hoping that the gentle snowfall would ease your mind a bit. 

          You eventually cooled down. You still thought that Yoongi had been unnecessarily rude, but you hadn’t really thought of it from his point of view. It wasn’t easy for someone to accept the help of a stranger, for it would make them seem weak and unable to take care of themselves. You couldn’t exactly blame him for getting defensive of his pride, and you wondered for a moment if you should apologize. You stood up from your seat and pulled your curtain back, ready to admit your mistake to the man in the compartment across from yours, but just as you did so, you saw him disappear into the bathroom. Acting quickly, you reached into your backpack and pulled out the notepad that you always carried with you. Quickly scribbling down “sorry” on to a blank page before tearing it out, you grabbed the apple that you had offered to Yoongi earlier. Moving across the aisle, you set both the fruit and the note down in his empty seat, disappearing back into your own compartment just as the door to the bathroom opened once more. You sat back in your seat, looking out the window as if you hadn’t moved since he left; though out of the corner of your eye, you watched as he noticed the objects in his seat.

          You could barely see him roll his eyes, reaching down and picking up the small piece of paper that you scribbled your apology on. You heard him huff as he read it before sticking it into his pocket. He then reached down and grabbed the apple off of the seat, looking down at it in silence. You half expected him to just set it aside and act as if it didn’t exist, or perhaps even throw it at your head, but he did neither of those things. Instead, he simply held on to the fruit and sat back down in his seat.

          A moment later, the sound of crunching met your ears, and you turned to see that he had taken a bite out of the apple.

          You smiled.

          The train rolled to a stop about an hour later, now at a small station just outside of Seoul. You hated being so close to the city that you were trying so hard to get away from, but you knew that you couldn’t avoid it for very long; Korea is a fairly small country, and there were only so many places the train could bring you. You decided to get off the train at this stop, for you hadn’t properly stretched your legs since the day before, and you longed for some fresh air. 

          As you hopped off the train, you found yourself wandering. You didn’t know where to go nor what to do. Having become so used to the climate-controlled train car, the below-freezing temperature of the outside world pierced right through your heavy clothing. This made it impossible for you to stop moving, for at least the friction caused by your pacing warmed you up even the slightest bit. You had to admit though, you weren’t just pacing aimlessly. You were searching for something… someone… Yoongi. Despite the fact that he had eaten the apple you had placed in his seat, you still found yourself worrying over his hunger situation. Surely a single apple wasn’t enough to satisfy his hunger if he really hadn’t eaten since he got on the train. You just wanted to see if he was getting food, and then you would feel much better. It took you several minutes of searching through the crowded train station to finally catch a glimpse of him. He was standing beneath an overhang in a secluded part of the station; his back was to you, hunched over against the freezing wind, but you could tell that he was holding a cell phone to his ear.

          You hated being nosey; You were always taught against it growing up… but you just couldn’t walk away. You found yourself staring at the man, hoping that he wouldn’t turn around to find you creepily staring at him while he was in the middle of a phone conversation. Suddenly, startling you and causing to take a step back in surprise, he whipped around and tore the phone away from his ear. You thought that he had noticed you spying on him, but the amount of pure rage that shone in his eyes could not have been caused by your harmless curiosity. You watched in silence as he slammed his cellphone to the ground, taking his foot and stomping down on it as hard as he possibly could. Your eyes were wide as he looked up, his gaze catching yours for a split second before he left his shattered cell phone on the concrete. You could see the tension in his clenched jaw, the fury in his dark eyes as he passed you. You turned around to see him hop back on to the train, wondering what the hell could have happened during that phone call to make him so irate.

          And, much to your frustration, you realized that you hadn’t seen him eat.

          Ten minutes later, you boarded the train once more, carrying a styrofoam container of steaming japchae in your hands. Your heart hammered against your ribcage nervously, your throat dry as you wondered if what you were about to do was a good idea. As you entered your train car, your eyes immediately drifted to Yoongi’s compartment. He sat in his seat stiffly, and you were thankful to see that the anger was now nonexistent on his features. Now, he simply stared out the window blankly, a frown tugging down at his lips and a faraway look in his eyes.

          Hesitantly, you knocked on one of the wooden panels of the entryway, catching his attention. He turned to look at you, gaze still blank as if he hardly even knew you were there. You nervously cleared your throat, holding the hot container of japchae towards him. “Take it,” you insisted, though your voice was small and shaky in fear of him snapping at you with the same anger that you had seen just ten minutes prior. “I don’t care if it hurts your pride. I’ve only seen you eat that damn apple this entire time, and I know you must be starving. So, please... Just take it and eat it.”

          Much to your dismay, Yoongi nodded slowly and held his hands out to you. You handed the container to him and smiled weakly. Without another word, you turned around to return to your own compartment. As you did so, you heard him call after you, grabbing your attention. You looked over your shoulder, surprised to find him slightly smiling. “Thank you.”

          His gratitude was enough to satisfy you, filling you with joy as he took a bite of the steaming food.

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[madisbrooks]

My Best Day

Planning my best day gave me a ridiculous amount of anxiety. All of the Disney movies I have watched have turned me into a bit of a hopeless romantic. The hopeless romantic in me really hopes the actual best day of my life just ~happens~ with no plans. That said, I decided to have the best day of my life Friday, April 4th. Today is Sunday, April 11th, and it turned out to be one of the best weekends of my life (or at least college). Here’s how it went:

I woke up and went through my morning routine of drinking coffee, doing a small devotional, and working out. I find my days are really off if I leave out any part of this equation. I was really nervous about the task of having the best day of my life, but during my devotional it hit me how silly it would be to ruin my best day but stressing over it. My faith is where I find peace in most everything, so it’s not shocking this is where I had that revelation. I finished the devotional in a more content state of mind. My workout was just a 20 minute HIIT video I got off YouTube, as my gym is almost entirely closed due to COVID, but it was nice to get the blood flowing and feel like I at least accomplished one thing that day. I think the best part of working out for me is that few minutes when I can just not think about much else… today specifically, it also included listening to the new Taylor Swift album. Appropriately, the re-recorded version of The Best Day was released so even TSwift was rooting for me.

After my workout, I got dressed and went to Chick Fil A for lunch. I’ve been trying to eat healthy, but yolo - this is the best day of my life. I thought it would be really sweet to pay it forward and practice kindness by paying for the car behind me. I did not consider how messy this would get at Chick Fil A where there is a line down the street and you order on iPads rather than at a window… honestly the chaos took all the happiness out of this activity. But I hope the car behind me enjoyed their nuggets!

I took my food to campus and found a table in front of the JAAC, where I got VERY nostalgic. With only one day of class left in undergrad, all the feels came flooding in. I am a huge fan of nostalgia, and I am just so, so grateful for these past four years. I really never thought I would stick it out and graduate. I definitely never thought I would meet all the incredible people I have. I sat, basked in the sun and in my emotions, and wrote some thank you notes to professors and leaders in my life that have played a huge role in how I got this far. I think I have always been a big gratitude person, but this sweet season of life has really emphasized this.

Then I went to work, where I get to spend my afternoons with my favorite K-8 kids. I decided not to take off for my best day because this job has honestly been one of my favorite things about college. I have been working at the same school for almost four years, so I have gotten to watch my students grow and change; it’s absolutely heartwarming. It was a beautiful day, so we went outside, watched a track meet, and they played with a worm they found. It’s been an honor to watch these kids grow up - I am going to miss them so much. Knowing I am leaving them soon has made me quicker to say “yes” to a game of Four Square or to just sit and hear about their day. They are funny, smart, strong, courageous, and make me a better person. Despite how hard the day was, I always leave work knowing this in the back of my mind. What a blessing.

After work, I went to our senior leadership for Young Life, a ministry I have been a part of for 8 years, the most recent of which I’ve been leading high school gals. Leadership is a monthly event we have for only leaders, and all 12 of us graduating or moving away had to say a few words about the past few years we have spent together. I cry just thinking about not seeing them everyday anymore. They have poured into me, shown me Jesus in ways I didn’t think possible, and loved me even in the moments I have been really hard to love. I would not be who I am without them, and I hate that it is time to say goodbye. Leaving this event was one of those keep-it-together-until-you’re-in-your-car-then-lose-it situations. Despite the bittersweetness, they make my heart so full.

After leadership, I went to a friend’s house to hang out. Just being with my friends is what makes me the happiest, so this was probably the best part. We simply sat in a living room hanging out and playing games, but that’s enough for me. I think I gain the most from the small moments like that; they seem mundane but they leave me feeling overjoyed.

The whole day turned into a real sentimental event for me, and I’m really glad I got to experience that nostalgia and all those emotions. I may have used this assignment as my excuse to be a little dramatic about it all, but it was exactly what I needed. It feels like everything I have ever known is coming to an end (like I said, DRAMATIC), and that feels like I completely missed the point of the assignment. But I was so, so happy all day. In the wise words of Winnie the Pooh, “how lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard?”

I don’t know if Friday was really the best day of my life. I kind of hope it wasn’t. But I do know this: it was a very good, very sweet 24 hour long wrap up of these past four years. And I know they have been the best of my life, so what more can I really ask for? Since Friday, I’ve gotten to build a blanket fort and watch Disney movies with some friends, have ice cream and hang out with high school girls I’ve gotten the privilege to lead, celebrate two of my friends who are getting married this summer, have bottomless mimosas, and sit by the pool in this beautiful weather. It’s been a wonderful weekend, and I think intentionally participating in these happiness activities contributed significantly to this. 

I cannot help but be a skeptic in every sense of the word, so I would be lying to say I didn’t scoff at some of these pages. However, the more I let myself buy into it, the more results I saw from a lot of these happiness activities. The How of Happiness is certainly a book I’m going to keep around for a while, because as life inevitably ebbs and flows over these next few years, God knows I’m going to need some of Lyubomirsky’s suggestions.

To sum it up… I’m really thankful I have a life that allows me to live such good days, I’m thankful for friends who hype me up when I say “today is the best day of my life- my grade depends on it,” I’m thankful for a college experience that has been absolutely unforgettable, I’m thankful to have taken classes like these that are going to impact how I live for years to come, and I’m thankful to now know just how much being thankful can impact my happiness.

[erendis-the-star-brow]

My Lion

A little drabble (ok, it’s only barely over 5,000 words...) of my Inquisitor Aeryn and Cullen. You can read it on AO3 as well. (”The Lion of Ferelden” belongs to Suzanne Van Pelt, song can be found here. I DO NOT CLAIM HER SONG, IT TOTALLY BELONGS TO HER)

Cullen rubbed at his neck as pain surged from his spine. He had been bent over his desk, reports and surveys strewn across the expanse of oak. After his morning drills with the troops, he had spent the majority of the day pouring over parchment that needed his attention. The last time he had looked up, sun was spilling into his tower through the slits of windows that faced the east. Now, the sun was gone, the sky outside a rich pink with splashes of orange highlighting the high clouds.

Cullen stretched his back, groaning from the pops of vertebrae. His stomach ached from the lack of food, but he pushed the sensation away. He’d luckily ate a slice of hard tack and drank water before his morning routines, which was better than some days when his withdrawal symptoms wouldn’t allow anything to cross his lips without fear of it coming back up.

A stack of reports sat in front of him, ones that needed Aery- the Inquisitor’s attention as well. He felt his cheeks redden with the thoughts of the mage. What was brewing between them was … well, he wasn’t sure what it was yet. He’d had liked to think they were friends.

But there was more than that. She had been there when his will to fight against lyrium almost crumbled. She was the face who walked in on his and Cassandra’s argument about his remaining the Inquisition’s Commander. He felt he could no longer serve to the best of his abilities. Nausea and heat flashes dogged him all day long. Sleep eluded him most nights and the night did find peace, the fade laid traps and nightmares for him. When Aeryn walked in, the shame of his state forced him to leave the room, begging Aeryn’s forgiveness. He half-expected her dismiss him on the spot, seeing his weakness and knowing he wasn’t worthy of the Inquisition’s or her time.

He had sat out his lyrium kit on his desk in his tower afterward, hating himself and the glowing blue liquid, and yet, yearning for it. He should have gotten rid of it months ago, but he just couldn’t let it go. Yet another weakness…

Self-loathing, rage, frustration boiled within him and he threw the kit, narrowly missing the blonde mage’s small form as she crossed his open door as the kit practically exploded on the wooden frame. He begged yet again for her forgiveness and confessed to Aeryn about… everything. Kinloch, Kirkwall, his desire to serve and be more, but it just wouldn’t leave him. He had sworn to fight for the Inquisition’s cause, he shouldn’t be hindered by anything. He should give as much as he had the Chantry years before. Lyrium would help him focus, help him to forget the past, help him to be a better leader.

He should have been taking it…

He wasn’t even aware of the pain in his clinched fist as he slammed it against his bookshelf until he felt the sticky warm blood within his glove. Aeryn rounded to stand before him, though she was significantly shorter than him, her beseeching gray eyes peering into his as she asked him to forget the Inquisition, and asked of what of he wanted. What did he want? Did he truly want lyrium? To fall into the nothingness of the drug; to forget the bad, but also the good?

No… he wanted to be free.

But his past still haunted him; it may never leave him. He didn’t know if he could endure, but Aeryn pressed her palm to his chest, above his heart, storm eyes gazing into his soul as she confirmed her belief that he could.

Maybe if she believed, maybe he could as well.

After that, Aeryn was constantly on his mind, even when he struggled with the torment of withdrawal. Pain blinding him to all else, he’d lie in his bed, tossing and turning, sweat clinging to his brow. When he thought couldn’t get through it, lying under the stars, with thoughts of an end bringing peace almost overwhelmed him, she’d materialize in his mind. Her soft gaze, her smile, her dedication… Aeryn playing with the children of Skyhold, teaching them about plants and their many uses. Laughing over a vain one-sided complement from Dorian or reading a new book with Varris, playing chess in the garden… her bringing him a bite to eat or a book she thought he’d enjoy. Those thoughts made the pain a little easier. As the days passed, his mind cleared, focusing on her, which helped spur him to his work. What little he could do to make the world a better place would help her to be safe as well.

Some time passed, he found himself crossing the battlements, thinking on all the things he needed to bring to the war council when the breeze ruffled his hair, catching his attention. Normally, Skyhold was a bustling center of commerce, a military hub, a network of spies, but at this one still moment, with no one around for once, Cullen found his feet transfixed against the dark stone. Skyhold was a truly wondrous place, mountains towering on all sides, the sun glinting against the silver white snow and blue ice. The air was crisp and cool, but fresh. Kirkwall was a city of pollution and mist, the air always heavy and muggy. But Skyhold was the opposite; so open and free.

Cullen smiled in spite of that small voice in the back of his mind whispering all the tasks undone that day. It was nice to be able to relax and enjoy the moment. Times like this were few and far between. Honestly, he couldn’t remember the last time he had taken the time to just breathe.

Cullen heard the soft footfalls coming up beside him. He knew who it was even before she spoke. He had grown to know her footsteps. Her supple boots padded softer than the troops hard boots.

He thanked her awkwardly for her kind words and affirmation in his abilities, tripping over his words. Why was it always hard to say the right thing to her? Everything always sounded better in his head before he spoke with her.

Aeryn stood beside him on the battlement, eyes bright and alive, listening to his every word. The light breeze lifted strands of her straight blonde hair. Cullen was always annoyed how he would get so distracted over those tiny little details about her. As he continued, he expressed his regrets, his hopes, and she hung on every word. He gazed out at the surroundings while her eyes were glued to him.

A smile touched her lips as she spoke, “For what's its worth, I like who you are now.” Even after all he had done? Done to mages? All his sins had been laid bare before her, she should have accosted him. Threw him to the wolves. Being a mage herself, she shouldn’t be so at ease standing next to him, the infamous Knight-Captain of Kirkwall, Meredith’s second in Command.

“Cullen, I care about you. You’ve done nothing to change that.”

She cared. Aeryn was willing to see beyond Cullen’s past. Beyond Kinloch, beyond Kirkwall, to see the man he truly was. The man whom he hoped to be. For nothing else, at least, for her.

So, where did all this leave them? She did only care for him as a colleague? Friend? Maybe something more?

Maker, he hoped so.

Shaking his head slightly to shake his pointless wishes, he pushed the chair back away from his desk, gathering up the reports in his gloved hands. He wanted to make sure to drop these off to the Inquisitor’s desk before it became too late in the evening. The Inquisitor tended to drift toward the tavern some evenings, enjoying the company of her inner circle, especially Dorian, Varric, and Iron Bull.

He made his way through the main hall, quickly pardoning himself around the many nobles who congregated in the hall. One time a noble complained to Josephine that the Commander would never get a proper arrangement for marriage if he didn’t slow down and mingle -which, of course, ensure that he would always rush through the hall even more briskly, just to stick it to the Orlesians.

Cullen entered into the Inquisitor’s door, marching toward the door to her quarters. As he approached her door, he pecked on the door with his knuckles. No answer. In case she didn’t hear, he rapped again, and once again, no answer.

Assuming Aeryn wasn’t in her quarters, already retired to the tavern for the evening’s festivities, he opened the door.

As soon as he began to walk through the threshold, he immediately regretted his impetuous assumption. Far above, even through the small opening, he heard the strum of an instrument. Maker damn it all, why would he think its ok just barge into her quarters? He should have come earlier and dropped off his reports to her at a more appropriate time. The Inquisitor only had one desk: the one in her quarters. Maybe he should have sent a female messenger to drop off his reports. Thinking back on the Orlesians hovering all over the hall, he could only imagine the rumors those vultures are formulating. The Commander sneaking into the Inquisitor’s quarters this late in the day, stealing her virtue?

Cursing himself, he made a turn to rush back to his tower as fast as his feet could carry him, but Aeryn’s voice stopped him in his tracks.

“Oh, lion, my lion, your deafening roar…”

Her voice flowed over the chords on the lute she strummed, like water over a brook. He had never heard her sing before. For that matter, he never knew she was musically inclined. Some mages would be taught by the chanters some musical talent, but they tended to be limited in their lessons since the chanters could only sing the Chant. He had heard her hum before while bounding around Haven and Skyhold, but nothing quite so… enthralling as this.

Cullen wasn’t even aware he entered fully into her quarters, standing at the bottom of the stairs, hand on the stone wall, straining to hear her melodious voice.

“Will again be as loud as it once was before

We fight through the nightmares, the shades and the fade

Til the war has been won and the tides have been swayed”

Cullen felt his feet being pulled by her voice, taking the stairs slowly one at a time. He was entranced by her, drawn to the plucks of strings at an andante pace.

“Haunted by your past

those that came before

Nightmares rule your night

fear they come once more”

Stopping short of the final stair, Cullen peered over the wall separating the stairs from the floor of the room. He tried to hide between the space of the railings so he could duck back down if need be. Aeryn wasn’t found at her desk or anywhere in the room. Confused, Cullen craned his neck to see that she had moved her desk chair to the open balcony door, a lute laid over her lap, her fingers dancing across the frets as her other hand plucked the individual strings in a cadence of chords. The last bands of light from the setting sun shown upon her face, her blonde hair unbound, falling down in swirls of gold and silver, framing her freckled face.

Maker’s breath, but she was beautiful.

“Chased by memories

figures in the dark

Clawing through your mind

they have left their mark”

Images of Kinloch immediately appeared in his mind, causing Cullen to start to tremble. No, this is real, Aeryn's singing was real. Cullen’s chest burned where the scars of the desire demon’s claws had cut into him years before. There were no demons now; no blood mages, no claws, no pain. Just her voice. Only Aeryn.

She repeated the chorus as Cullen listened intently, forcing his focus on her eyes as they fluttered close on she held out notes with her voice.

“Oh lion, my lion your deafening roar

Will again be as loud as it once was before

We fight through the nightmares, the shades and the fade

Til the war has been won and the tides have been swayed

Sword and shield in hand

not a soul can see

Behind those amber eyes

lies a silent plea”

Her song reminded him of Maryden, the minstrel in the tavern, and songs she would serenade the tavern patrons. If Aeryn ever wished to perform in the tavern, she would the star of the show, Aeryn’s sweet lilting voice would win over any who listened, and Maryden would be out of a job.

“Suffering in silence

the burden you must bare

Getting lost

in the depths of your despair”

Whoever Aeryn was singing about was someone she definitely cared greatly about. He could feel the conviction in her voice, as if it were sitting beside her and singing along with her in harmony. Her emotion bled out of her and into the room around her. Nothing else stirred in the room, not even Cullen. He was bewitched by her.

“Oh lion, my lion your deafening roar

Will again be as loud as it once was before

We fight through the nightmares, the shades and the fade

Til the war has been won and the tides have been swayed”

Cullen couldn’t help but feel as though he was trespassing. The song was definitely not for herself. Her heart bled for this person she was mentioning in the piece. He sifted through every person he could think that the Inquisitor’s song could have been meant for. Someone who suffered, someone whom she fought beside, especially in referenced to the nightmares, shades, and fade. But who? Iron Bull? A lion was an animal to be feared, much like the Qunari. He had not love for the fade or the denizens of the Fade. He was also a Ben-Hassrath from Seheron. Cullen heard the tales of the suffering of that island, and Bull made no secret his time there or the hardships he experienced there.

“Lay your past to sleep

let the fear subside

No matter how lost you are

You don't have to hide”

Aeryn’s voice quivered slightly as she sang, making Cullen’s heart squeeze in his chest. He saw a single trail of silver slide down her cheek.

He shook his head, it couldn’t be the Iron Bull, not that she didn't care for him. He was like an older brother, constantly picking and protecting her, never indicating that she had such strong feelings about him. This had to be a person that Aeryn cared for deeply, maybe even loved.

Cullen’s heart sank. Was there another? Rubbing the back of his neck, Cullen made to turn back down the stairs, feeling like an intruder on the Inquisitor and her secrets, shame biting at his heel. He shouldn’t be there, he had no right to listen to her song, to her heart. Especially when it would never belong to him. Whoever was lucky enough to be given hers better realize how grateful they should be. What he wouldn’t give to her his.

“The templar on his knees

fighting to be free

Rise anew to be the man

you were meant to be”

Templar? Cullen was struck frozen in place. A templar fighting to be free? There were few templars in Skyhold, and none of which Cullen knew spoke with Aeryn outside of decorum. A faint hope swelled within him. Was this song about… him? Was he self-absorbed enough to think that she was singing for him? He returned the top of the stairs, feeling like a child pressed against the stone wall on the night before Saturnalia, peeking over the edge for presents.

“Oh lion, my lion your deafening roar

Will again be as loud as it once was before

We fight through the nightmares, the shades and the fade

Til the war has been won and the tides have been swayed”

Cullen could no longer stand in the shadows. He should have turned around, returned to his tower, holding her secret as his, like a precious pearl that belonged only to him. But he was compelled to remain. It was the power of Aeryn. Not the Inquisitor or the Herald of Andraste, but Aeryn Trevelyan. Only her.

Haunted by your past? The burden you must bare? Fight to be free and arising a new man? It was everything he had told her… She had taken the things that he had told her: his pain, his suffering, his curse, and created something beautiful from it. Something that was hers, something that was a burden to him and now was a beacon, all leading back to her.

As Aeryn began the ritardando to the end, her breath becoming airy and soft.

“Til the war has been won… and the tides… have been…”

She hesitated on the last note, as she breathed out, “swayed…”

Cullen paused in place as Aeryn huffed at herself, her arm swinging around the lute to rub the sleeve of her long tunic against her cheek.

“Get ahead of yourself, Aeryn,” she breathed as she vigorously wiped her eyes. Cullen wanted very much to cup her face in his hands and wipe her tears away with his pads of his fingers. The thought of her crying, especially on his account, broke his heart. He wasn't fooling himself hoping she was singing for him, but in any case, he couldn’t allow her to cry alone.

“That was-“ Cullen began, but Aeryn gasped and jumped, leaping out of her chair, her lute clattering to the floor.

“Cullen!” Aeryn yelped and Cullen immediately regretted his intrusion yet again. Had he no shame?

“I-I’m sorry! Pardon my intrusion,” Cullen took two long strides to her desk, depositing the reports, and turned to leave. He knew his face was beat red.

“No! Please wait,” Aeryn raced after him, but he made it to the stairs first, taking each step as fast as he could to escape. He couldn’t face her. He thought he could, but, turned out, he was a coward; he couldn’t stand in her light.

“Cullen, please!” Aeryn pleaded, and Cullen couldn’t ignore it. He paused as his hand touched the knob on the door, pivoting toward her.

Aeryn stood at the top of her stairs, her right hand over her chest, gripping the front of her tunic. Her eyes were panic-y as a halla's, her lips parted slightly as she breathed quick breaths. Was she out of breath because he had frightened her or because she had rushed to catch him?

“Did,” she began quietly, seemly fearful of scaring him away, “I mean, did you need something from me, Commander?”

Commander? Disappointment coursed through him. The unemotional moniker struck him wrong, especially after what he just heard. Obviously, he had been mistakened.

“Just had some reports for that required the Inquisitor’s attention, I humbly apologize. I did not mean to intrude on your Worship’s time,” his words came off more harsh than he meant it. He wasn’t angry with Aeryn… He wasn’t sure what he was feeling at that moment. And he was not a man who enjoyed feeling not in control, so he twisted the door handle and tried to make his way out.

“Cullen, wait! Please,” Aeryn bounded down the stairs and Cullen felt his feet plant in place. Even his own two feet betrayed his senses. At that moment, he just wished he had stayed in his tower. Then he wouldn’t be in this ridiculous situation.

Aeryn took her place at his side, her fingers reaching out tentatively to touch his armored arm, “I thought we could talk?”

Cullen turned his head toward her, his brows low over his eyes in confusion until she continued, “Alone?”

“Alone?” Cullen echoed, his brows now lifted up in surprise. Backtracking quickly, “I mean, of course. But I think we are already alone," he observed meeting her gaze.

“Right, of course, how silly of me…” Aeryn scrubbed her hand over her face in frustration. He couldn’t help but find the action adorable.

Finally she looked up at him, “Could we speak some place else alone?”

Cullen stepped to the side, indicating with his hand for her to lead the way. Holding up a finger in a gesture that made him wait, she raced back up the stairs to grab her cloak and met him at the door, ready to go.

They walked side by side, walking in cadence with each other. They made their way to the battlements again, which had become their impromptu meet-up spot. They walked in uneasy silence, neither wishing to break it in fear of shattering what was between them, causing the other to run.

Cullen couldn’t stand it any longer his hand finding its way to rub the back of his neck, “It's a nice day.”

“What?” Aeryn stopped dead in her tracks, perplexed. Of course he had to say the most absolutely idiotic thing he could think of. Day had ended some time ago and now, the sky was a rich purple, tiny glittering lights flickered to life in place of the once bright white clouds.

“It’s,” Cullen storked his neck like mad in embarrassment, “There was something you wished to discuss.”

Aeryn paused and looked up at the stars. It reminded him of that night back in Haven when they star-gazed together after she had returned from Redcliffe. He waited patiently. He’d wait all night if she needed it.

“Did you at least like the song?” Aeryn asked offhandedly. Cullen couldn’t help but laugh at the question, letting out some pent up energy that had been inflating him since he had first stepped into her quarters.

“It was... lovely," again, very eloquent, "I didn’t even know you could sing,” Cullen moved toward her.

Aeryn gazed down at her twisting fingers, “My mother had me take singing lessons at an early age, then, in the Circle, the Reverend Mother had a lute and taught me how to play. Maryden has been showing me more techniques.”

Aeryn paused, her fingers twisting more harshly against each other, “Do you know who that song is about?” Her question barely above a whisper.

Cullen’s breath caught, he prayed he wasn’t wrong, “I- I believe so…”

Aeryn’s hands wrung together so hard that she grunted in frustration, throwing her arms out wide, before stating, “Cullen, I care for you, but-“ she stopped short, becoming somewhat agitated at herself.

Cullen was bewildered, “What’s wrong?”

“You left the templars, but… do you trust mages? I know what they did to you in Kinloch, I wish I could go back into the past and save you from having to live with those experiences every day… I completely understand if you can’t, but… Could you think of me as anything more?”

This was not how Cullen envisioned how his evening would have turned out.

“I could. I mean, I-I do… think of you,” Cullen stumbled, again hating himself for his lack of eloquence at times like this, “And what I might say in this sort of situation.” Cullen walked ahead of her, his head hung in shame at his clumsiness.

“What’s stopping you?” Aeryn breathed, following closer than he anticipated.

Cullen once again turned to her, facing her with her back to the battlements, “You’re the Inquisitor. And we’re at war. And you…” he felt like he was babbling, “I didn’t think it was possible.”

This was her chance. If she felt nothing for him, this was her out, he would not hold her to him. As much as he yearned for her, she was free to leave.

Aeryn shifted slightly, looking a bit sheepish while glancing away then back at him. “And yet I’m still here,” she replied coyly to him with a lift of her shoulders.

Cullen couldn’t resist anymore. He would not push her, but if she was saying what he thought she was saying, he couldn’t hold back any longer, “So you are…”

He leaned into her, he could smell the vanilla and lavender soap she used. He didn’t dare touch her yet, allowing her all the chances to move away from him if this wasn’t what she wanted. “It seems to much to ask.”

Cullen looked into her gray-green eyes, looking for any signs of displeasure, and when he found none, he lightly laid his hand on her hip, moving closer, “But I want to-“

They were only inches away from each other, all one had to do was move in and their lips would brush. Cullen’s heart thundered in his chest. Never had he felt this way about kissing a woman, but something about Aeryn caused him to feel like that young templar recruit again. He never wanted it to end.

Aeryn’s lashes fluttered close, her head tilting toward his, and he closed his eyes as well, ready to take the plunge.

A door closed nearby, “Commander!”

Cullen was stricken in place, his hands on the Inquisitor’s hips, entirely too close to even be thought of just having a friendly discussion.

Aeryn’s eyes rolled up into her head as she expelled an exasperated breath. Her head bounced to the side, allowing Cullen to leave to talk to the intruder.

Jim, the young recruit from Lelianna, approached with a small pile of reports in his hands, “You wanted a copy of Sister Lelianna’s reports.”

Cullen couldn’t hold back his biting tone, “What?” It was evening, and while normally he didn’t mind receiving late reports, he had hoped that this would be the one night he would not receive any reports!

Jim was clueless, “Sister Lelianna’s report? You wanted it delivered ‘without delay’.”

With Aeryn standing awkwardly behind him, Cullen bared down on the poor recruit. He hoped his expression was as frustrated and angry looking as he felt. Jim just looked at him, then peered at the Inquisitor, who was self-consciously wheedling back and forth.

Finally, the boy put two and two together, realization dawning on him, “Or... to your office… Right…” He backed off, arms off to the side as you would do to an angry animal to make yourself look smaller.

Cullen felt himself straighten as Jim receded back from whence he came.

He heard Aeryn’s voice behind him, “If you need to-“

Cullen turned back quickly, pulling her into him, cutting off any words with a gasp. He framed her face with his hands, and before Aeryn could question anything, Cullen captured her lips in his

At first, he was worried he was being too bold because Aeryn froze in place, but as he continued to kiss her, she gave into him with a small sigh, pulling him closer with her hands buried in his mantle.

This was… pure paradise. If he died at that moment, he would die happy. He had kissed other women in the past, but those were all fleeting and lustful, usually a means to an end. But this -this was something different. Something more. He couldn’t describe it, so lost in the experience of it. They were both wrapped within each other’s arms, safe from the world, lost in each’s breaths and soft brushes of lips.

Cullen was the first to pull away, “I’m sorry. That was- um” he felt lightheaded, “really nice.” Cullen smiled in spite of himself, relishing the memory of her lips on his.

Aeryn’s eyes were still bright with surprised, “I believe that was a kiss,”  but a sly demure turn of his mouth spoke of other things, “But I can’t be too sure. It’s all a blur.”

Cullen couldn’t suppress his laughter, too caught up in Aeryn just being herself, “Yes, well…”

No more words were needed, he could take the hint. As he moved back to envelope her, he hoped this wasn’t some cruel joke of the fade. He was in too deep to turn back now or to have this ripped away from him in burning light of morning after a bad dream. But, nothing from the fade ever felt this real. Aeryn was here, he was here, and at that moment, that was all that mattered.

When they both parted again, Aeryn pressed her forehead to his, her lashes resting on her cheeks, a contented smile gracing her features as she breathed heavily.

“So,” Cullen broke the silence, lifting his hand to gather the fly-away hairs the wind had captured and place them behind her ear. He pressed his palm to her sun-kissed cheek, “Am I the Lion?”

Aeryn snorted, “Of course! Have you seen how intimidating you can be?” She leaned back away from him, not to escape, but to have a better look into his eyes.

Cullen’s happiness bubbled within him, “You know, lions are associated with Orlais, and as fond as you know I am of Orlesians, I think a Mabari would fit me better.”

“Oh yes, Mabari just rolls the tongue,” Aeryn lifted her hand in a minstrel flourish as she sang, “Oh mabari, my mabari, your slobbering drool. See? Not quite as fanciful as a roaring lion.”

Cullen laughed heartily, enjoying her joke at his expense, “Okay, okay, I understand. Lion does sound better, even if it does remind me of those vultures.”

He gathered her hands into his and brought them to his lips as he pressed a kiss to her knuckles, “Just know, if this isn’t what you want… If ever, you want to get out-“

Aeryn pressed up to his mouth one last time that evening to silence him, surprising him this time. He felt a shudder slide down his spine as her tongue feathered over his lower lip, “I think less talking would be prudent in the future, especially of things that are better left unsaid.”

Cullen nodded, not sure what just happened. But whatever it was, he looked forward to more of it in the future.

(”The Lion of Ferelden” belongs to Suzanne Van Pelt, song can be found here. I DO NOT CLAIM HER SONG, IT TOTALLY BELONGS TO HER)