#...maybe not as many attacks though i ended up making 106 which is probably why i stopped doing as much art for a bit oops

[spxtse]

hello tumblr dot com i am back and went through another hyperfixation since i was last here. here is some of the art from it that i did not post because for some reason i stopped posting here even though it used to be my favourite platform to post art on

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #106: Jeanne d’Arc (Alter)

Today on Fate and Phantasms, we’re making the burning dragon witch of France, Jeanne d’Arc (Alter)! Jalter’s pretty good- Fire, more fire, and bullying dragons into serving you- solid kit!

Check out Jalter’s build breakdown below the cut, or her character sheet over here!

Next up: We’re really testing that “All Dogs Go to Heaven” theory, huh?

Race and Background

Like I said with Mash, Homunculus isn’t really a race in D&D, so we’ll have to keep things simple. While you are a magically made copy, you’re a copy of a Human, so we’ll have to stick with that. This gives you +1 to all abilities. Make up the Magic Doppelganger background (or just use Haunted One) for Arcana and Religion proficiencies. You’re made of magic, and you have to know about God in order to spit in His face. 

Ability Scores

If that custom background wasn’t weird enough, we’re also using the Point Buy system for this build, because we need a lot of stuff right away. You were made by an evil wizard, so a little bit of minmaxing is probably fine. Unfortunately, we have to keep Intelligence at 8- I’d like to make it higher, but we need the points for other abilities. You don’t really go on a self-improvement kick until you’re a berserker anyway. After that, set Dexterity and Wisdom to 12- they’re needed for multiclassing. You can fight (and presumably dance) in a dress, and you can still pick people out in your Grondement du Haine, so they can’t be that bad. Set Constitution to 13 for some toughness-you’re a frontline fighter, and your Avenger class makes absorbing peoples’ hatred (read: their attacks) a bit easier. That leaves us just enough points to bring your Strength and Charisma up to 14. You have one of the highest attack stats in the game, and you’re damn scary when you want to be-and you always want to be scary.

Class Levels

1. Barbarian 1: Avengers are good at hitting things and taking hits, and so are barbarians! When you pick up the class, you get proficiency in Strength and Constitution saves, as well as two barbarian skills- Intimidation and Athletics. You’re strong and scary. (Pretty sure we said that already.)

Either way, barbarians can Rage as a bonus action, gaining extra attack damage, advantage on strength saves and checks, and resistance to the physical attack types. In exchange you can’t cast or concentrate on spells, and it ends early if you don’t attack or get attacked by something in a round.

You also get Unarmored Defense, giving you an AC based on your dexterity and constitution. I’d highly recommend not using that because yours is pretty bad, but it’s available if you really need to fight in a ballgown. Sometimes showing up the Ice Bitch Queen is worth the pain.

2. Sorcerer 1: A Jalter just wouldn’t be a Jalter without plenty of fire and draconic imagery, and that’s why you’re a Draconic Bloodline sorcerer. A black dragon would be more on brand, but we have to go with a Red Dragon Ancestor for the fire damage. This also lets you read and write draconic, and more importantly, your proficiency bonus is doubled for charisma checks against dragons. You may not have magical control over them yet, but you can probably keep the younger ones in line already.

Your Draconic Resilience gives you an extra hp per sorcerer level, as well as an AC of 13 + your dexterity modifier. That’s still not great, but it’s much better than what you had going before.

Finally, sorcerers can cast Spells using their Charisma as the casting ability. Control Flames, Green-Flame Blade, and Burning Hands should give you more than enough fire to start with. Friends will make it even easier to control dragons, while False Life will give you just a touch of healing. NP bars don’t exist in this game, so we had to represent your Self-Restoration somehow.

3. Barbarian 2: Hitting things with sticks powers up a lot faster though, so let’s stick with that for now. Second level barbarians can make Reckless Attacks, giving themselves advantage, but also giving enemies advantage against them. Your Danger Sense also gives you advantage on dexterity saves you can see coming. You don’t really care where your spells hit-this will help keep you out of your own fireballs.

4. Barbarian 3: You might have figured out where this was going with all that fire talk, but your subclass here’s the Storm Herald! When you rage (and as a bonus action each turn afterwards), you can use your Storm Aura to deal extra damage to enemies. The desert aura deals a bit of fire damage to all creatures within range save free! A perfect option for those fidgety monks and archers. You also gain Primal Knowledge, giving you proficiency in Animal Handling. I mean, for a given definition of “Animal”, I guess that works.

5. Ranger 1: You didn’t think we were done making this build weird, were you? I promise this will make more sense in a bit. For now though, you get Perception proficiency, as well as the ability to mark a Favored Foe with your bonus action. For a minute afterwards (or as long as you keep up concentration) you can add an extra 1d4 damage to any damage done to it once per turn. Also, while it does use your concentration, it technically isn’t a spell, so maybe it works with rage? (I’d rule it does, but I’m not your DM.)

A less complicated feature you get is Deft Explorer, specifically the Canny feature, which doubles your proficiency bonus in a single skill. Power up your Intimidation to become even scarier to everyone, but especially dragons. A +14 to intimidate means you can really turn heads, even at level 5.

6. Barbarian 4: We’re about to jump back into sorcerer now, but it might be a good idea to be skilled at casting spells before we do that. Use your Ability Score Improvement to nab the War Caster feat for advantage on concentration saves, the ability to cast cantrips as opportunity attacks, and most importantly, the ability to cast spells with full hands. Now you can upgrade to a proper flagpole pike!

7. Sorcerer 2: It’s been a while, but now that we’re back you’ve become a Font of Magic, giving you Sorcery Points that you can spend on metamagic (later) or more spell slots (right now). You also get another first level spell. Shield’s useful at least, but we’ll get something more “you” at a later level.

8. Sorcerer 3: Now that you’re level three, you get that Metamagic thing we just talked about. Casting an Empowered Spell will let you re-roll damage dice to make sure everything hurts as much as possible, while a Heightened Spell will make it harder for a target to resist. Trust me, you do not want a dragon breaking out of Charm Monster.

Speaking of spells, you get second level ones now, like Dragon’s Breath, which will let you turn anything you want into a smaller, less cool dragon. Other flavors are available, but why would you not pick fire breath?

9. Ranger 2: Bouncing around even more, you get a Fighting Style. Rangers don’t get any styles for big weapons, so we’re just grabbing Defense for an extra point of AC while wearing armor. You can go without, but you have a look to maintain, you know? 

You also get another set of Spells that use Wisdom to cast. Your wisdom isn’t that powerful, but luckily Searing Smite and Absorb Elements don’t use it, so you’re set! I guess good things really do happen to bad people!

10. Sorcerer 4: We’ve had way too many odd numbers for way too long, it’s time we did something about it. Use this ASI to round up your Strength and Charisma for stronger hits and stronger spells.

You also get even more spells- Blade Ward gives you some defense without having to rage, and Aganazzar’s Scorcher got you covered on the offensive side. There’s a bit of a theme here, if you haven’t noticed.

11. Barbarian 5: It took us a while, but you finally get an Extra Attack for each attack action. You also get Fast Movement, adding 10 feet to your walking movement. It’s about time you got a little violent.

12. Barbarian 6: Our last level of barbarian unleashes your Storm Soul. The desert soul gives you resistance to fire damage, and you can also ignore extreme heat, which is super useful given how much black you wear. You can also set objects on fire by touching them.

13. Ranger 3: Now that we’re finally getting to this subclass, it’s time we justified this multiclass. You get Primeval Awareness to help you track down and “convince” dragons to help you, but if your DM is really uncooperative, you can also summon a dragon thanks to your subclass. (We know, we went ranger to make a build less situational. We think we just saw hell freeze over. 

Surprisingly, there are still subclasses left in UA after Tasha’s blew through. The Drakewarden lets you cast Thaumaturgy thanks to your Draconic Gift. You can also summon a Drake Companion as an action once per long rest (or by spending a spell slot) You have to use your bonus action to command it, but it can always use its reaction to infuse weapon attacks with its element of choice. (Do I even have to say we’re picking fire?)

You also learn Entangle this level. Your Grondement du Haine leaves a lot of spears all over the place-it’d be pretty hard to pick your way through those.

14. Sorcerer 5: Fifth level sorcerers get third level spells, but they also get Magical Guidance, letting you spend 1 sorcery point to re-roll a failed ability check. I’d save those for something you’re really good at, like intimidation.

You also learn Erupting Earth at this level, in case you wanted to actually do damage with your noble phantasm. Sadly your spears are a bit dull, but bludgeoning damage is still better than no damage at all.

15. Sorcerer 6: Sixth level dragon sorcerers get an Elemental Affinity, adding their charisma to fire spells. You can also spend sorcery points to resist fire damage, but you’re already good on that front.

Speaking of things that aren’t really needed, you can cast Fear this level. You already have Expertise/Super Expertise in intimidation, but sometimes you just need magic.

16. Sorcerer 7: Seventh level sorcerers can cast 4th level spells, and you can finally cast Charm Monster to take control of a dragon of a dragon for up to an hour. We can also finally replace Shield with Wall of Fire to really set the scene for your dramatic confrontation with that goody-two-shoes you share a face with.

17. Ranger 4: Use your last ASI (they go by so fast, don’t they?) to become an Elemental Adept in fire. This means every die you roll for fire damage will always count as at least a 2. Also, your spells now ignore fire resistance! Just your spells though, your rage is out of luck.

18. Ranger 5: Your Extra Attack doesn’t do anything this level, but you do learn how to cast Spike Growth, for those times you want to sit back and let your enemies throw themselves on your spears.

19. Ranger 6: Your Favored Foe bumps up to a d6, and you become Roving! This adds 5 feet to your movement, and you can climb or swim at the same speed. Now nothing will be able to escape your wrath!

20. Ranger 7: Your capstone ability gives you a Bond of Fang and Scale, allowing your drake to fly and deal more damage with its bite. You also gain resistance to whatever damage type your drake deals, which can help your survivability against themed enemies (like you).

You can also cast Lesser Restoration this level. Memory correction is a little vague-status correction is a bit easier to implement.

Pros:

You’re good at burning things, and yes we count people in there. You can deal a lot of fire damage through rages, dragons, and spells. You also have multiple ways to make that fire even more dangerous, and can spread it at a touch. Great for property damage!

It can be pretty hard to escape you, thanks to your buffed movement speed and the ability to swim and climb faster than most people. Worst comes to worst, you also have a dragon you can sicc on people.

You’re pretty terrifying, especially towards dragons. Beyond having direct control over them, you can also intimidate them with advantage, a third die from sorcery, and a +27 to the roll. Barring an act of god, you can probably get most dragons to stand down, if not obey you outright.

Cons:

You have some power in your corner, but it’s all focused on fire, one of the most immune-to damage types in the game. When it’s good it’s great, but when it’s bad it’s awful. At least you can swap out your dragon damage each summon if you really need to.

Speaking of, your drake’s pretty weak, with only 40 HP at level 20. It’s probably best for you to think of it as a limited use feature than a companion, because it is absolutely not sticking around.

Really there’s a lot of multiclassing problems to go over here. Beyond the classic “spells and raging” thing, there’s also a severe lack of ASIs, several overlapping abilities, both your rage and drake using up all your bonus actions, and an overall lack of focus. You might not be great at doing any one thing, but nobody will have the nerve to criticize you.

[snkpolls]

SnK Chapter 121 Results

The chapter 121 poll closed with 1,812 responses. Thank you to everyone for participating!

  RATE THE CHAPTER 1,644 Responses

Welp, it’s official. Chapter 121, the 10th anniversary chapter of Attack on Titan, was the highest rated chapter this year. In fact, in the last two years, the only chapter that scored higher was 112. Bravo, Isayama!

Attack on Titan can’t get any crazier after THAT chapter!” I say for the fourth month in a row, like a fool.

Jesus Christ Im so happy I was born at the time aot was created

Eren is *chef’s kiss* so perfect and well written and scary and amazing. The best character of anything I’ve ever watched or read, I’ll love him for a very long time.

I had to physically lie down, I was that confused.

It was perfect. From the reveal of Eren to Zekes meeting with Grisha. This chapter changed our whole view not just on the characters, but the whole story itself. Simply amazing.

I honestly think this was the most mind blowing chapter since the Basement reveal chapter. To think Future Eren was the one who convinced Grisha at the last second to massacre the Reiss family blew my mind!

This was an amazing chapter. Regardless of what you think of Eren, he has to be one of the most well developed characters in all of manga. I like the direction of the story and can't wait to see what Isayama has in store for our beloved characters.

This chapter solidifies SnK as manga of the decade.

I'm not sure if Isayama planned this from day n°1, but him saying the story is about surpassing the father takes up a whole new meaning: how can your father enslave you when you enslave him yourself?

The next big twist? “Oh-ho, onii-chan, I was the Founder Ymir all along!”

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT? 1,684 Responses

There were a LOT of moments in this chapter, and a lot of people had a lot of different favorites. The one that seems to stand out the most was the reveal of the Attack Titan’s ability, beating almost every other answer by double digits. Other favorites include Eren reliving the famous childhood scene with Mikasa, the significance of the royal kiss, and Eren breaking free of the PATHS chains. Interestingly, “You haven’t gotten to the part where I eat our old man yet,” and Grisha telling Zeke to stop Eren had a nearly identical number of responses, with a difference of only 2.

I'd choose not have any time travel shenanigans in this franchise if I was asked for an opinion beforehand, but it has been executed really well.

The real question is: could Zeke or Grisha feel the hug?

i want to hug mikasa

  WHAT IS “THE SIGHT” (FAN TRANSLATION "THE SCENERY" ) THAT EREN SEES FONDLY? 1,646 Responses

Oof. The majority (37.2%) believe “the sight” Eren sees fondly is the trampled burning earth, post -rumbling. “His friends living freely”(16.2%)  was the second option followed by “The child from the final panel” (13.5%) in third.

"Something beyond that hell..."

Eren saw his own death. His death is somehow going to be the set up for a peaceful future. That’s why Grisha was so upset. His *actual* death is going to be gruesome af. Definitely more gruesome than getting his head blown awff.

I do not understand Eren at all, so I won't even try to give an answer to this

I think it is possibly a ruse since I am still thinking he has some plan concerning Founder Ymir. I actually still believe VERY strongly that Eren is obviously aiming a future where he can save many. But... For the sake of answering this question shortly: not too sure atm on the ‘fixed’ sight, but I think it’s possible he is seeing a ‘way’ for the Titan curse to finally end. I think every shifter, including Armin, will die still tbh. :P

The rumbling scene we saw in chapter 106, when Eren was smiling

The Walls destroyed and the colossus titans inside freed and marching, but it doesn't necessarly end with world scale rumbling.

I know it may not be moral, and maybe it's not even going to happen, but i REALLY hope "that sight" is the world-scale rumbling actually happening.

Grisha knew about the rumbling, and I don't think that happening nearly as horrified as he looked. My first theory was Eren was going to end the ability of Eldians being able to transform into titans, now I believe he wants the rest of the world to become titans.

The fact of being able to tell to the child of the latest panel "You're free now", we all know that freedom is Eren's weak spot

he saw a jo jo reference

  HOW DO YOU VIEW GRISHA’S UNWILLINGNESS TO KILL CHILDREN? 1,673 Responses

SnK is relatively (in?)famous for its "gray morality" takes. It has been pretty consistent that you probably shouldn't kill children though, and Grisha seems to agree. 41% of you guys admire him for at least temporarily rethinking his plan to kill the Reiss children. 52.5% of you don’t fault him for hesitating, but understand that it was ultimately necessary to achieve the end goal, and 6.5% of you think it was weak given the circumstances.

Seeing Grisha how he talks about not being able to kill kids since he's a doctor and then seeing said kids cheering on their sis to kill him was :((((

Grisha has moved from "ugh, I despise him" to "guess he's slightly better than Rod Reiss?"

  WE HAVEN’T SEEN EREN RECEIVE ANY FUTURE MEMORIES, AND HE'S VERY CERTAIN THAT HE'S NEVER BEEN CONTROLLED BY ANYONE ELSE. DOES THIS MEAN THAT EREN IS THE LAST ATTACK TITAN? 1,668 Responses

Just over 70 percent of you think that Eren is the last holder of the Attack Titan; that’s pretty cut and dry! The next largest group was ‘I don’t know’ at just over 21 percent, with most other responses negligible. It seems that most readers therefore think that, one way or another, the Attack Titan’s path ends with the Eren’s story.

Eren is the Attack Titan. Period.

He's the first and the last.

I think it's just possible that Eren is the only one who is able to have complete control over the Attack Titans abilities. It is mentioned in this chapter that the previous holders of the Attack Titan didn't have full control over it...

What if a more future attack titan manipulated Eren so that he cannot see future memories

I think it's likely, but something Kruger says prevents me from being positive. In chapter 89 "If you want to save them all; Mikasa, Armin and the others; carry out your mission to the end." This could be a message from Eren to Eren, from Eren to Grisha, or from someone unknown to Eren.

  IN CHAPTER 1, DID GRISHA SEE CURRENT EREN WHEN TALKING ABOUT THE BASEMENT? 1,673 Responses

For all these years, we thought  Grisha was just being rude - not even looking at Eren as he promised to show him the basement. Finally, an alternative explanation! 81.5% of us choose to believe that Grisha was looking at Eren - just not the smol Eren of Chapter 1.

  WHEN ZEKE AND EREN BREAK CONTACT, EREN MENTIONS ZEKE NOT YET SEEING THE NIGHT HE ATE HIS FATHER. IS THIS SIGNIFICANT? 1,677 Responses

As much as we've learned about what's driving Eren this chapter, he's still sketchy enough to raise some questions. 59% of you guys think he still has more information to share with Zeke, and by proxy, with us, about the memory of the night he ate Grisha. ~28% think he was just mocking Zeke and the fresh wounds of his reunion with Grisha, and about 12% aren't sure.

Grisha received more memories of Eren's plan, and gave the Attack Titan willingly

Maybe...? Maybe there's something else Grisha tells Eren while injecting him. Something other than the words we've already seen.

It felt like Eren was mocking Zeke, almost as if Zeke bailed out of the memory at a convenient point where he and his dad reconcile to the point seeing the latter's death to Pure Titan Eren later on could have hit him hard.

Oh lawd

  THE ATTACK TITAN’S ABILITY REVEALED! WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THIS TWIST? 1,665 Responses

Despite some initial confusion, nearly two thirds of the fandom (72.6%) are delighted with the Attack Titan’s ability to see the memories of future. However, while not an option on the poll, a significant number of write-ins believe that Grisha was wrong and this isn’t a typical Attack Titan ability at all, but rather the result of Eren entering the PATHS realm.

Totally supported this! As Time-Loop Conspirist! xD

AoT shouldn't be a story with time travel (memory transfer is still time travel in my book)

But I don't think it is the Attack Titan's ability at all?? That is just Grisha's conclusion from his very limited experiences. But we can actually see in this chapter that his conclusion is not true when considering the larger context. The only one who can show people the future is Eren while in possesion of the Founding Titan being in PATHS realm while touching another shifter with royal blood. That are very specific conditions to be met. Without them there is no future memory shenanigans. So while it seems like being able to get glimpses of the future is the ability of the Attack Titan to Grisha, it is only an ability of Eren's Foundig Titan under very strict circumstances. I think any other titan shifter could pull of the future memory thing as well given the right circumstances.  

Calling it an asspull means you're a speedreader, Kruger mentioned Mikasa and Armin by name years before they were born, it gave us a hint at the Attack Titan's power without telling us directly

Grisha misinterpreted this. He's wrong.

Didn't feel like a twist since we already knew since Kruger that it was possible to see into the future. It was just confirmation.

I just hope Isayama develops this time-thing concept a little more, and for it not to be a kind of fix-all-the-plot-holes narrative magic trick.

It's cool but it still made me roll my eyes so hard you could hear it

So if the founder cant do that, does that make the attack titan the strongest there is ?

  EREN LOST HIS THUMB WHEN HE BROKE FREE FROM THE CHAINS TO STOP SAND YMIR. IS IT IMPORTANT THAT HE LOST HIS THUMB, OR JUST THAT HE BROKE FREE? 1,671 Responses

A majority of you (59.6%) think that Eren’s thumb being lost is merely to show how he managed to break free from the chains, and has no deeper meaning. However, almost a quarter of respondents believe that Eren losing his preferred method of shifting is significant going forward (perhaps indicating he will lose his titan powers in the future if not necessarily his life?) Some of you even brought up that it might be significant that this happened in the Paths dimension itself.

I only noticed the thumb when taking this poll.

It’s foreshadowing for sure, lots of focus on that panel. The literal cost for his freedom from shackles was his preferred method of transforming. We can’t tell yet, but Eren lost his thumb in paths land. As far as we know no one has been injured in this place. It could be permanent. Also worth noting that he’s about to touch Ymir with a bloody hand... blood, sins of the past... there’s something there

It’s only important that he broke free of the chains

It’s to show how heavy those chains were. That, or to show that Eren has literally the pain tolerance of the one guy who got stuck in a canyon and sawed off his arm.

Eren losing his thumb is very important, it happened in the paths dimension.

  IF YOU THINK IT IS IMPORTANT, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS? 1,463 Responses

Building on the last question, we asked those of you who think Eren’s loss of his thumb important to say why. 57.8% of you think it was an important display of his determination. However, the point was brought up by some of you that the Devil as drawn in the manga and anime only has four digits on his hand!

He can no longer show approval

Grisha stabbed himself in the right hand, the one that led Faye to her death. And now, Eren's left thumb is chopped off, the classical symbol of his ability to lead humanity to salvation/destruction. It might not have any deeper narrative impact than just reminding the reader these Jaegers are at fault for whatever the outcome is, shaped by their own hand.

The devil depicted in the book is shown with only 4 fingers.

Is it too late to say I'm just in this for the fight scenes?

Because we haven't had a gratuitous moment in over five pages.

  RATE THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT: AT THIS POINT IN THE STORY, EREN IS A VILLAIN. 1,673 Responses

Another point on that gray morality, how many of you think Eren is a villain at this point in the story? 5.5% of you strongly agreed with that idea, 15.2% agreed, but a little less, and 37.2% were neutral. On the other hand, 24.3% disagreed, and 17.8% look at the aforementioned 24.3% disagreers and say, “I’m you, but stronger.”

  IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE ONLY ONE OPTION, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY EREN’S MAIN MOTIVATION IS? 1,662 Responses

Just over three quarters of you (76%) believe Eren’s main motivation is still Freedom; the alpha and omega of the manga, his driving force as much now as it ever was. Just over 17% of you think that Eren’s main motivation is his friends, a shockingly low number, unless many of you believe Freedom for himself and for his friends is one and the same. Very small numbers of you believe that he is motivated by an external force, such as the will of a Titan, or his country.

I wish Eren showed Zeke the pain the Warriors suffered due to their lack of freedom.

Does Historia fall under friends for Erens motivation?

You can't chain freedom

Eren’s about to have a heated freedom fighter moment and destroy the whole world

I think Eren kind of knows that he is doing a bad thing. We just have to look his eyes during  the Reiss attack to see that he knows he is taking a big risk. But I am sure he does that for his people and his freedom.

  ON A SCALE OF 1 TO HANNIBAL LECTOR, HOW MUCH OF A PSYCHOPATH IS EREN? 1,672 Responses

We got some bombshells this chapter about Eren. Some answered questions, some raised them. Of the 1,672 responses, 78.5% of you, when factoring in this new information, rated Eren Jaeger a 3 or higher on the Psychopath Scale™, with 4 being the most popular rating. 12.4% of you rated him a 2, and 9% rated him a 1.

  REGARDLESS OF HIS MORALITY, HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE EREN JAEGER ANYWAY? 1,672 Responses

Regardless of any perceived psychopathy, about 56% of you guys still dedicate your hearts to Eren Jaeger. 21.5% of you dedicate like, 80% of your heart to him. ~14% rated their love at a 3, 3.9% rated it a 2, and 5.6% rated it a 1.

  DO YOU THINK ISAYAMA'S "EVIL" PORTRAYAL OF EREN IS A RUSE? 1,654 Responses

We are clearly a fandom divided with almost an equal number of yes’s and no’s. The remainder of the fandom is unwilling to commit but holding out hope. This wasn’t the only three-way split on the poll. The question “Does the ends justify the means?” has a similar result. Maybe there’s a connection.

The thing I love about attack on Titan is that there is no good and evil. There’s more nuance to the characters’ motivations and actions. Eren is not evil. He just is. His actions may be viewed as evil by those adversely affected by him, but I don’t think Isayama is portraying him as evil or as an antagonist. He just is. And I’m looking forward to seeing what it is exactly that he’s fighting so hard for.

Even so after what Eren did to Grisha, of how he persuaded him to remind him his hatred, plus this "EVIL" dye of his persona, I want to believe that this is his only option, it's the sacrifice that is worth paying if that means making reality " that scenario." And it is evident seeing his expression that he does not enjoy doing this at all.

Zeke and Eren are supposed to appear as an angel and a demon on each of Grisha’s shoulders, but neither is fully evil or good, so I’m not sure where Isayama is going with this.

This fandom has been in constant denial about Eren character direction, the reaction to this chapter is another show of that. I cannot wait to see what mental gymnastics they do to justify genocide once the full Rumbling Is confirmed as Eren plan.

If eren indeed become the final antagonist and plans on mass murder/ending the world.... REINER HELOS BRAUN, PLEASE SAVE US ALL.

  ARE YOU HAPPY ZEKE AND GRISHA RECONCILED? 1,671 Responses

Whether or not you like Grisha and/or Zeke, most of us (63.5%) thought the moment the two of them shared this chapter was beautiful. 23.1% are hesitant to jump to conclusions however, and think it is too soon to be certain of the authenticity of this reconciliation.

Grisha's feelings were unambiguously genuine, but it wasn't reconciliation he sought. As for Zeke, I'd say his current full opinion of Grisha remains to be seen, likely even by Zeke himself.

I actually teared up omg they deserve it

I know, I'm supposed to feel good about that moment and probably pity Zeke, but I just don't have it in me to sympathize with a person working hard to euthanize a whole race of people, tragic backstory or not. I do, however, sympathize with Grisha. Constantly struggling with his knowledge of the outside world and the past, struggling to bring his mission to an end because the greater good doesn't seem so great when you have to kill innocent children for it, etc. I'm happy he got some closure with Zeke at least, even if it was just in PATHS realm.

It's nice this moment happened but it still does not erase what horrible things grisha did to zeke as a father

It's nice to see Grisha has redeeming qualities and to see Zeke making a slip of the tongue and calling him dad. I loved how Zeke contrasted with Eren in comparison to Grisha.

Meh. Zeke got closure with his father, fuckin yay. -_-

  HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE ELEMENT OF TIME TRAVEL? 1,669 Responses

It’s finally confirmed! Almost half of the fandom (48.7%) can get behind Isayama throwing time travel into the mix since he’s been dropping hints since chapter one.  25% of respondents straight up love it, and 9.3% say the concept is growing on them.

Confused, but I'm loving the direction of the story. I was hoping there'd be a sci-fi element to the story, and it seems like we're starting to get it.

I do like the time travel concept but it doesn't fit in SnK universe, imho.

If AoT world indeed works in predetermined fashion it nullifies element of freewill for me. And it kinda cheapens the struggle of characters which is sad. Like, now it's all as if Eren is just following sophisticated instruction. Does that all matter? I hope so.

I'm worried about it but I hope Yams can pull it off amazingly

I don't know how people could think that the Attack Titan's ability came out of nowhere, it has been foreshadowed since literally the start and time loop theories have been going around for years. Not just based on the first few panels either but on Eren instinctively knowing how to use the power, and when Kruger got memories from the future it was pretty much confirmed.

Isn't it more like "mind travel" at this stage?

its interesting but i dont think its as complex or crazy as its made out to be

I really didn't like the time travel aspect as it leads to a paradox. I get that it was foreshadowed, but I just wish it had been handled better. Time travel is easy mess up, and these recent chapters has given me doubts on the story's direction.

Ouch. Please. How??? Why?? I still don’t get it.

Seems to have been woven into the story incredibly well and I do not really see it has time travel.  Instead it seems to be that the memories of certain titans are linked and can trancend time.

  ARE OG YMIR'S EYES CLOSED, OR ARE THEY OPEN BUT BLANK? 1,666 Responses

This chapter provided us with a better look at OG Ymir, but even that wasn’t enough to settle the issue of her eyes. While half the fandom believes they are closed, the other half isn’t so sure, selecting the “Open and blank” or “I’m not sure” options.

  TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU BELIEVE THAT THE ENDS JUSTIFY THE MEANS? 1,649 Responses

The fandom is fairly evenly split three ways here on the morality question.  Slightly more than a third (34.8%) say that sometimes things can be taken Too Far and there are some lines that should not be crossed.  The remainder of the fandom was divided, with 31% believing that any action can be justified if the outcome is favorable, and 31% being unsure on this one.  There were a ton of write-ins on this one:

Any outcome is justified if you win

Since Isayama introduced us to very interesting topic of time as not a progression of events, but as a big ball of things happening all at the same moment, I think that gives us a cue to think about the artificiality of the idea that some things are just means while others are just ends, and that they are unrelated. Means and outcomes are an item, I don't think it's posible to get a good outcome from cruel means.  

In real life: it depends. Here, reading a fictional story: anything goes. You guys take it this too seriously.

I lean pretty heavy into consequentialism, so I do believe in the ends justifying the means, but you also have to be careful that the means don't make you lose sight of the end. Having all the information you possibly can regarding how to reach said end is vital. Eren's ends are possibly noble, but he's working with incomplete information and could easily end up causing something terrible because of this, which is what I think will happen.

*Erwin has entered the chat*

Regardless of my own personal opinions. I do enjoy reading about characters who will do anything to get to their desired “end”

It's completely unethical to kill humans for a 'better future'. That's what Thanos and Daenarys did and they both were villains. It keeps the story spicy but I will could never write off what Eren did, even if he saves everyone in the end.

If it benefits Paradis then yes. If it benefits Marley, absofuckinlutely not

I believe in the end justify the means if it involves saving a lot of people. Not as a personal use, just like Eren is doing.

Depends on the ends and depends on the means. Context matters.

Eh I don’t know. A favourable outcome is subjective and the cost of getting there is also subjective. If I have lines I think should ever be crossed, then why shouldn’t they be crossed? What if my perspective changes afterwards? No one knows how things will turn out in the end.

"No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise."

  WHO DO YOU HOPE WINS THIS COSMIC BATTLE? 1,749 Responses

Morally questionable or not - most respondents (66.6%) want Eren to be successful and carry out his plan. In contrast, only 2.3% want Zeke’s plan to come to fruition. Pretty much everyone else wants both of these problematic brothers to be stopped.

A meteor. Just put them all out of their misery.

Both of them are awful so I hope everybody will join hands and stop them. This way the other characters will receive the spotlights they deserve as well. After all this series shouldn't revolve only around the Yeager bros for god sake. I'm sick of their shit.

Everything is already preordained, Erens plan will come to light. Its just interesting to see how it unfolds.

I hope someone (my boy Reiner needs his redemption, please) stops them both

I just want to know how the story will end. I don't want to have any expectations.

I think Armin will come into play somehow. He was brought back for a reason and that Eren was right when he said Armin would be the saviour of humanity.

I want Eren to just “Win”!⚡️ (But also say sorry in some way to people he has hurt >:()

I want to see eren carry out his plan BUT not because I’m rooting for him just because I have no idea what he’s trying to do now and im confused

I'm still a slave because of my ignorance so I can't make that choice for myself yet.

  WHAT ARE YOU HOPING TO SEE NEXT CHAPTER? 1,764 Responses

Once you got PATHS™, you never go back - or at least that’s how almost half of respondents felt. Levi and Hange are certainly missed though, almost a quarter of respondents are hoping to see them next chapter.

Each chapter I get more and more confused by what's going on i'm so confused pls isayama i beg you just leave us on a cliffhanger for like 3 chapters and take us to levi and hange at least that wouldnt have confusing plot points.

MOAR P A T H S and Annie plz

It's about fith or sixth time I'm choosing "levi and hange" when questioned what I'm hoping to see next chapter. Someone go tell Isayama...

Too tired of the Yeager Bros. Wanting my Levi and Hange back.

I *would* like to see what happens when Eren catches OG Ymir, but next chapter, can we please cut away to all of the above?

I hope we get to see Ymir's memories in the next chapter, at least the memory related to where it all started

PATHSland is great, but the travels through Grisha's memories were getting a bit boring. I'm glad we're back in current PATHSland and am excited to see what happens with Eren and Ymir next chapter.

Ugh I just really REALLY want to see Historia after these Path dimension shenanigans. Non-pregnant Historia. Please.

Memories of Ymir the Founder first and foremost. Not holding my breath for a Historia cliffhanger but it would be nice too.

(Guys, where is the Floch option, I miss him)

  WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 1,607 Responses

While Reddit continues to make up the majority of our respondents, the Attack on Titan fandom is everywhere. Wherever you choose to discuss the series, we appreciate your support of this chapter poll!

Add an option for discussing the series on Snapchat. We have been discussing on snap since chapter 91

  ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER? 250 Responses

Eren was his daddy's daddy

It has come to my attention that I am too stupid for this manga

Gotta love the irony : Zeke wanting to save eren from grisha's brainwashing while in fact grisha's been lowkey brainwashed by Eren the whole time. Also zeke turning out to be Dad's favourite, who would have thought ? And remember when Eren wanted to die because he learned that his dad slaughtered the Reiss family ? Yeah, didn't age well...

Probabaly one of the better chapters. Much explanation and dialog. Less Titan action and SC flying around. Just how I like it.

Thank fuck Isayama has the IQ of Einstein hopped up on speed, any lesser writer would've fucked up the time travel aspect.

So Grisha is asking his older son, who murdered maaaaany people for the sake of his terrible plan, to stop his younger son from executing his terrible plan and murder more people? The Jeagers are all psychopaths.

Having mixed thoughts about all of this. I've been getting more and more skeptical at each chapter about the direction of this whole arc, and I wonder how Isayama will wrap up all of this in a satisfying manner under a year.

shit wus hapening

Gimme rumbling pls.

I think the roller coaster has just begun

Eren told Isayama to make Reiner suffer

i am patiently waiting for isayama to finish the series and THEN comment whether it was bad writing or not. I just hope he is not writing himself into a corner and pull a GoT ending....

I hate both Zeke and Eren’s plans ( if Eren’s plan truly is the rumbling) . However, if I had to chose one to carry out I’d probably go with Zeke’s. Euthanasia is terrible but if Eren’s plan truly is the rumbling then that would kill almost everyone. At least with Zeke’s plan less people will die. Killing off one race is better than killing off almost everyone.

Eren Kruger telling Grisha that Mikasa and Armin need to be saved despite the fact neither were born at the time makes perfect sense now: it was Kruger's Attack Titan powers kicking in where he received a future vision of when Grisha would pass the Attack Titan to his son. That was the earliest foreshadow I was able to pinpoint regarding the Attack Titan twist, but the title "To you, 2000 years in the future," seems to also tie into this as well since it addresses someone in the future, as if someone from long ago is talking to someone from the future (a future Attack Titan user--most likely Eren)!

this chapter is mind blowing. the moment where grisha reconciled with zeke, i wonder if eren purposely made it to save his father from regret before died and to save his brother from his dead father's shadow.

Since the next chapter is the final chapter of the volume I feel like we will get the conclusion of the path realm arc thingie, it wouldn't make sense if they were going to do a levi chapter at the last chapter of the volume

So far, chapter 50 is still my favorite anniversary chapter. I feel like the actual climax of the story, which is possibly what we heard in the ending audio, will be the chapter that's most likely to be able to top that. I genuinely enjoyed this chapter as well, but I was expecting a bit more out of it than what we got considering this chapter marked the 10th anniversary of the manga's serialization. Regardless of that, this chapter did offer very important revelations that I'm excited to see play out in future chapters.

Look, I just want Eldians of both Paradis and Liberio live freely and happily and I don't want the entire world to be destroyed. Eren wants the first part (at least for Paradis) and Zeke wants the second. Armin save us!

I don’t see why so many fans are surprised about Eren’s behavior. He was 9 when he killed two men willingly. He’s always so full of hate during some of his titan fights. That boy will always prioritize what he personally believes is right in the moment, even if it ruins his friendships. He does care a lot, which is why he’s so passionate about his actions, & that’s dangerous.

I really liked the visuals, I feel like Issayama is having a lot of fun drawing these paths chapters.

The Reiss kids actively wanted Frieda to kill Grisha so why was he even conflicted about killing them, smh

We have Three-eyed raven time travel magic now, won’t be surprised to see Greenseers, Skinchangers or dragons in the future.

I tear up every chapter recently man. every time we revisit old memories, something is revealed or people talk about their dreams. It all just makes me realize how much time has passed and how we’re so close to the end. Fantastic 10th anniversary chapter and a fitting reveal of the Attack Titan’s power. It really highlights how while this is Eren/Grisha’s story, but really it’s the Attack Titan’s. They’re connected through that Titan but simply because of that Titan this entire history can be made. And that’s why the work’s title is also the name of the one thing that drives this story, much like itself, forward. 進撃の巨人

Zeke’s PowerPoint presentation was completely hijacked. There is no objective truth regarding heroes and villains. However, it remains unclear whether what Eren wants is ideal for everyone, eldians or just the people Who aren’t important people to him. I still think the rumbling is bogus. It’s been talked about way too much, if it were to happen where’s the shock? Also it screws everyone over because of how fire tornadoes work.  

I wish Eren would teach me 9D chess

You think they have sour cream in paths? (PT:: We missed you!)

[darkzorua100]

So now that I got all my jokes out of the way, time to talk fully about episode 106. For what it was, it was enjoyable and my love for Human!Ai just continues to grow with each passing episode because he’s just so ridiculous. Like Ai has always been a silly character but now combining that truly with his more serious side as the villain and he’s just like lowkey terrifying and I love villains like those. The ones that truly catch you off guard because you never know what it is that they can actually do since they hide their true plans so well behind the mask of a fool. 

And that’s what I really like about Ai as the villain for this season because there has to be more to his plan instead of suddenly just going “yeah all my friends are dead so I’m going to kill humanity now” like he has been saying. We know for a fact that Ai is smarter then he lets on and this wouldn’t be the first time he has lied about his true intentions. All the way back in season 1 he lied to Yusaku about all that he truly knew in order to protect himself. Lightning even called him the wisest of the Ignis. There is something here that he isn’t telling us and I’m wondering if Ai is purposely trying to make himself the villain in everyone’s eyes as part of his survivor’s guilt. Maybe a part of him wants to be killed in order to be with his kin again and if he isn’t able to bring them back, he is trying to make himself humanity’s enemy in order to make things easier for himself by having everyone hate him and in turn making it so they need/want to kill him. Maybe the decision that he has come to is that artificial intelligence with free-will, like himself, shouldn’t be allowed to exist in order to protect humanity? So unless his backup/Lightning’s data did end up corrupting him, there just has to be more that’s going on there then meet the eye. After all, why would he give Akira a notice that he was coming after him instead of just attacking him right away once he was finished with Queen? And like people have been pointing out, the only human he has actually attacked was just Queen and that probably was mainly due to the fact that she was the reason why Earth was killed. As for Roboppy’s side of things, I don’t know if they could be in on this plan or Ai just sending them to their death by making them hate humans. 

I liked how the episode began with Ai making this tier list of the best to worst duelists in the show. I mean, it is completely wrong percentage wise (I literally checked) but I do like the comment he made about how Playmaker wouldn’t have won as many of his duels as he should have if Ai wasn’t there to help him and it is true to some extent. Playmaker vs Revolver round 3 only ended in a draw because Ai was willing to sacrifice himself to shield Playmaker from the Tower of Hanoi’s Data Storm as he used his Storm Access and Playmaker wouldn’t have even been able to beat Bohman during their final duel of the season if Ai didn’t do all that he did during that duel. So while I think Playmaker can duel on his own just fine, we seen that he can during episodes 64 and 65, losing Ai is probably still going to be a big hit for him going forward. 

I really do like how Ai is smarter then we actually give him credit for because he knew that Akira was going to send in the three best duelists (Playmaker, Soulburner, and Revolver) as his first line of defense and right away had a way to push them to the side so he wouldn’t have to worry about them. And while I’m kinda disappointment that his version of Flame wasn’t a Ritual, Fusion, or Pendulum like how his archetype was leaning towards with his first three Extra Deck Monsters being Link, Synchro, and Xyz, I still thought it was pretty cool how it still had Flame and Takeru’s reincarnation theme built into its effects and it being a phoenix and all that. I do find it funny though how when all the copies of Ai were able to set up their stall wall, Soulburner was just like “if we can’t use Links, how are we supposed to beat them?!”

Takeru, honey, you, Yusaku, and Ryoken have other Extra Deck monsters besides Links! You have a freaking Super Poly in yours and a monster that can bounce Spell/Traps when it is summoned! I think you have the easily way out between three of you. Speaking of which, thank you Vrains for finally acknowledging the Disaster Trio. Now when are we going to see the three of them duel against someone together?

Getting to the meat of the episode, BS and GG vs Roboppy. Got to say, I love Roboppy’s archetype and how it works. It is nothing to crazy but I like the simplicity of it. Nothing really stood out in the duel to me besides that but it looks like the half siblings could be turning this duel around next week but we still don’t know what Roboppy’s Skill is. They said they weren’t going to be using it but if they are able to drive them into a corner, they might have to break that role they set for themselves to be able to turn the duel around and win. And after seeing BS and GG’s duel percentages on paper, I’m even less confident then before that they are going to be able to win. Now we saw in this episode that Genome and Baira lost to the real Ai and just got disintegrated basically. I don’t know if that means they were turned data or they were forced to be logged out but I guess we will find out that answer next week. 

Since Soulburner and Revolver aren’t speaking in 107, unless the cast list lied again, it doesn’t look like they are going to be freed from their current situation in this episode. So it looks like we could just be getting the conclusion to this tag duel and then jumping right into Ai vs Go and oh my god Go is going to get murdered. The preview out right states that Ai is still a little bit pissed about what happened to Earth and Go is about to go through hell once more. I do wonder how they are going to try and redeem the guy finally in this duel. From  what we got from the 108′s summary, it seems they are going to try and go back to the orphanage route for him and hopefully it doesn’t feel bullsh*tted and after that I think we might be getting Revolver vs Ai since the title for 109 “The One Who Hunts The Ignises” has to be referring to Revolver. Honestly, I don’t see that ending very well either but hopefully we can get some more good Ai roasts out of it. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #106

gonna start making the surveys i compile a tad bit shorter.

Does your mom have nice hair? I guess? Do you prefer really cold water (to drink)? Yes, I'd prefer to not drink warm water. But that's true with any drink. Kiss with your eyes open or closed? Doing that with your eyes open would creep me out. Can you keep a secret? I have literally never told a secret before. Because I respect people trusting me enough to tell me about such things. Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them? Meet my best friend and crush ya'll lmao. Has anyone ever told you they couldn’t trust you? I don't think so. Who in your family has the prettiest eyes? Probably my brother. Are you an aggressive driver? Or more passive-aggressive? When I drove, I was far too passive to be safe. Too skittish. What would you consider an unacceptable first date? Uhhh idk. Probably going to his/her house and being home alone with the person. I'd be scared. Would you rather help others, or just help yourself? Help others. Are you the kind of person that’s afraid to cry in public? I don't know anyone who isn't. It's embarrassing. Have you ever been rejected by someone you really liked? More like loved. Have you ever used fake tan? No. Have you ever had a panic attack? Probably around 100 times. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows? Yes, because they’re often better than “grown-up” movies. <<< This. Who is one person you wish you would have never met? Rachel. She had no form of positive impact on my life. What was your 1st alcoholic beverage? A lemonade daiquiri, but drinking it was actually an accident. x_x What’s your favorite type of milk? If chocolate milk doesn't count, 2%. Are you laid-back? No, I'm constantly anxious. When at home with nothing to do, do you wear socks? I wear socks as little as I possibly can because I hate them. Is your bed actually a bed? Yeah. Do you prefer other sleeping arrangements rather than the usual bed? Why? No, I prefer a bed. Comfier than pretty much anything else. How often do you shower?  Every other day unless I feel dirty for whatever reason. If you were given a plane ticket for free right now to Florida, what part would you go to/what would you do? Orlando for Disney World, obviously. When you get upset, do you prefer to go to friends for support or to be left alone? Do you wallow or do you continue on with life? It reeeaally depends. Would you rather have the ability to speed up time, freeze time, or go back in time? Probably none, honestly... Have you ever had a teacher you got really close with? Many. What chain restaurant (Applebees, Ruby Tuesdays, Outback, etc..) is your favorite? Olive Garden omf Can you actually picture yourself getting married/having kids, or is that something that seems too distant in the future to imagine? I can see myself married, but not with kids. Ever. Would you rather eat all day or exercise all day? Uhhh neither? Eating all day would fuck someone up, and God knows I don't have the endurance to exercise all day, I legitimately would pass out. Do you write? Daily. Have you ever gone to see a movie past 9:00 PM? Pretty sure I did with "Silent Hill: Revelation." Would you rather hold hands or link arms with your significant other? Hold hands. Truth be told, are you more into looks or personalities the most? Personality. A pretty face doesn't mean they've got a pretty personality whatsoever. How is/was your chemistry class in high school? Actually, I never took it. There was an alternative option called physical science. Would you rather eat rice or bread? Depends on the type of rice or bread, but let's just say it's my favorite bread (pumpernickel) versus my favorite rice (pork fried). I'd go with pumpernickel any day of the week. Have you ever taken a shower with anyone before? Not since I was very little with my younger sister. I wouldn't do it as an adult because it's both impractical and claustrophobic, and not to mention it's my personal time to get clean and such. Are you hard to please?
 No. When are you at your happiest?
 Hm, I dunno. Do you have a waste basket in your car? We have a bag. Have you ever told a friend you thought their parent was hot? God no, even if I did, I wouldn't tell them. Awkward. Have your parents asked you to explain a term and you lied because it was inappropriate? No. If I didn't want to explain the term, I'd just tell them to look it up. Do your parents know you have a Tumblr account? No, but it's not like I'd hide it if they asked. Is there anyone you wish you could apologize to? Who? Maybe... no one's coming to mind now. Typically, do you like being asked a lot of questions? Strictly depends on the questions. Do you put up with more in friendships than in relationships? Yes. I'm way more picky with an s/o. Do you feel better sleeping alone, or with someone else? Alone. When I was with Jason I was sometimes happier sleeping with him, but in general, I find sleeping alone more comfortable. Do you enjoy applying make up, if you wear it? God no, hence why I wear it less than once in a blue moon. Do physical exams make you uncomfortable? Holy fuck yes, don't touch me. Do you like ketchup or mustard better with your corn dogs? I haven't had a corn dog in YEARS. I probably wouldn't put anything on one. Do you like peas? NO. Apparently I loved them as a baby, though. Don't know what the hell happened. Have you ever kissed under water? I think I have? Your ex calls wanting to hang out. What do you say? Don, yes.  Any other, no. Have you ever swam while it was raining? Yeah, no harm in that when you're already in water. Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older? THEN WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO WAIT SO LOOOONG Is your hair a lot different from when you were little? Not really, other than the fact I had bangs as a kid. Have you ever gotten stung by a stingray or a jellyfish? No. Do you know how to do laundry? This is extremely embarrassing, but no. My mom has always done all our laundry together and likes to do it herself. But I still need to learn for obvious reasons. When you wash your hands, do you use the cold or hot tap (faucet)? Hot, but our water heats up slow, so. If you had to be straight/gay for a day (whichever you’re currently not!), what celebrity would you most like to take on a date? I'm bi, so. What is the biggest injury you’ve ever sustained and how did you do it? I fell onto the road while running and skinned the actual fuck out of both knees, especially my right. Like to the point there was pus. What is the most unique animal you’ve ever touched? Probably just a reticulated python (pretty sure that's what it was, maybe I'm wrong...). Not all that strange, but. What’s the scariest nightmare you’ve ever had? Describe it in detail. It involved my dad and no, I'm not describing it. Put these in order of your favorite movie genre to least: Horror, action, thriller, adventure, superhero, romance, drama, comedy, musical and dance? Horror, comedy, superhero, adventure, romance, thriller, action, drama, musical and dance. If you had to lose one of the 5 senses, which would you choose and why? Smell, as I think that would affect your life the least. Name all the drugs you have tried: None that weren't prescribed. Name all of the alcoholic beverages you have tried: Only daiquiris and margaritas. Name all the drugs you’d never do: I'd never do any. What is the most alcohol you’ve drank in a night? Four daiquiris on New Year's and it did almost nothing. @_@ I handle alcohol extremely well. I should probably add though that I wasn't drinking with the intent to get drunk, I just drink drinks in general a lot. I'm always thirsty. What do you order from McDonald’s? It alternates between McDoubles and chicken nuggets with usually a small but occasionally medium fry. What do you order from Burger King? I don't like BK. What do you order from Wendy’s? A Baconator like a fatass cries. What do you order from Sonic? A hot dog. I tried a bacon cheeseburger there recently tho and I liked it, so I might get that sometimes. What do you order from Taco Bell?  The only two things I like there are the chicken and cheese quesadillas and fiesta potatos. I hate Mexican food. How would you feel if a girl asked your boyfriend/girlfriend out for a drink?
 I'm single.  I broke up with my ex just today because I'm just too scared of men.  It had been almost four months and I was coming no closer to him than I was as his friend.  I didn't feel safe opening up to him.  It's going to take me a while to be comfortable romantically around a man again.  Another reason I broke up with him is because I realized I have a crush on my best friend. Any idea what you want for your next birthday?
 A bearded dragon. Name some models you think are hot: I don't know of any models. Not my thing. Have you ever been called a skank/slut because of the way you dress?
 No, considering I'm not even somewhat revealing. Where did you lose your virginity, if you have? I haven't. What are your views on getting rid of the penny? Don't care. Have you ever kissed someone underneath mistletoe? Maybe, but I don't think so. Do you have a weak stomach?
 Nope. Do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer?
 Three people that I know in my family have had cancer. I think I know one other, but probably more, realistically. Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? No, but really, I prolly shoulda the night my friend was so wasted she called her husband to ask if she could get high (her sister's fuckboy was brazen enough to bring his weed to her house) despite her being against drugs. I went the fuck to bed because I was exhausted and had to leave the next morning at 6 AM. @_@ Which website do you spend the most time on?
 YouTube Do you read fanfiction? If so, what fandoms?
 Believe this shit or not, no. It's usually waaaaaay too smutty. Are you more introverted or extroverted?
 If it gives you any idea, you know the popular site where you can take the personality type quiz? I am almost entirely on the introvert spectrum lol. Do you like meatball subs? Nope. Like I'll eat one if it's the only choice, but I don't enjoy them. If you have a sib, do you call him/her “brother” or “sister” sometimes? I only ever call them by their names. Have you ever lived in a mobile home? No. Do you consider dogs inside or outside pets? Both. I support most being inside, but larger breeds should be outside so they can get rid of all that energy. Obviously bring them in in unfavorable weather, though. Do you feel comfortable asking your parents or grandparents for money? NOPE. Scariest driver you’ve ridden with: One of the scariest experiences in my entire life was this time Dad had to pick me and Nicole up from middle school, or maybe I'd just gotten into high school. He was in an awful mood so went WAY over the speed limit, ran red lights, and passed illegally. It was absolutely terrifying. And mind you, the ride home normally took about 25 minutes. Do you know anybody who is afraid of clowns? Lots of people. Do you listen to ASMR? No. The ones with people whispering make me super uncomfortable. Rain storms or a light drizzle? STORMS What snacks do you usually get at the theater? Please, I bring my own shit. Sometimes buy popcorn tho. What’s an underrated video game/ movie/ show you love and think it needs more recognition? UGH "Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs." It's my third-favorite game of all time, but it's pretty criticized for not being what people expected. Would you fill your house with plants if you had a green thumb? No, too much maintenance. Thoughts on freckles? They can be super cute. What band do you never get tired of listening to? Ozzy<3 Like I'm not constantly in the mood for him, but if I listen to a song, I always enjoy it. Do you have anything that belongs to an ex? Yep. Do you put marshmallows in your hot chocolate? No. Does it bother you when dogs lick you? Not usually. What is the best thing you can draw? I think I'm best at meerkats. Are you good at wrapping presents? NOPE I AM THE WORST. Do you put your hair up when you cook? I don't cook. Do you prefer Mountain Dew or Sprite? I don't like Sprite, so. Have you ever encountered a ghost?  I feel that I have. Does anybody in your contacts have a heart after their name?  No. Who was the villain in the last superhero movie you watched?  Hmmm... it has been a LONG time since I've watched a superhero movie.  I actually enjoy superhero movies, I just don't see them much. Does your phone have hole for charms? No cries. I have a Pyramid Head phone charm and I wANNA USE IT DAMMIT Who was the last person you spoke on the phone for over an hour?  I don't even think we've ever talked that long, but the closest and most recent would probably be Colleen.  I never talk on the phone long. Ditched school to do something more fun? No. Do you take compliments well? I appreciate them immensely and even the smallest one will literally brighten my day, but I get very shy about it, especially if you say it to my face. Has a boy/girl ever called you babe/baby? Yup, fucking hated it. Do you hate it when people smoke around you? Yes.  It gives me a headache.  I also don't fancy cancer. Have you ever kissed on a boat? No. Do you have to check in with your parents before you go some place?  No, but I'll let my Mom know. Would you rather have big or small dogs? I like bigger dogs because they act like they're so smol and are usually babies at heart. Do you trust all of your friends?  No. Are you afraid of falling in love? FUCK YES I AM Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize?  Yes, but I don't believe he meant it, honestly.  I feel he was just trying to appease me. Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest/fastest for? Nope, which is for the better. Jim Carrey movie or Adam Sandler movie? Jim Carrey, but I can enjoy both. Favorite music genre?  Heavy metal. Do you like your body?  I enjoy how resilient it is, particularly as far as bone strength and my immune system, but I don't like it in general at all. Zombies or vampires? Vamps. Do you like mood rings?  I don't believe they work. How many stories does your mall have?  One.  It's an awful mall both in stores and things that happen there. New York City or Paris? I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy Paris more. Ever been skydiving?  If no, would you want to? No and no.  I'm scared of heights and the idea of the parachute failing is just... no.  The idea is thrilling though. Do you order your burgers with only ketchup? No, they also have mustard. Skirts or jeans? I wouldn't wear one, but skirts are super cute. What is your worst relationship quality?  I think the fact I'm very distrustful and need a lot of personal space are tied. Are you a fan of cake?  I don't always enjoy the frosting, but I love cake itself. Do/did you get into trouble a lot at school?  No, I was essentially the teacher's pet ha ha.  Didn't try to be, but. Are you a very affectionate person? Verbally, very, almost not at all physically. What is something that makes you very squeamish?  Vomit. Do you have any godchildren? AHHHHHH!  I have one coming in May!! Ever had to take a sobriety test?  No. If your old class was to have a reunion, would you attend it?  No. Have you ever abused an animal?  Holy fuck no. Have you ever been homeless? Technically, yes, but I lived with my best friend for a month. Did the last book you read have a good ending?  No.  Well, no as in what happened, but good as in I liked it. Did the last book you read have a character in it that made you mad?  She doesn't make me mad, but I hate Jaina. Do you like the color orange?  Yeah. Would you ever drive an orange car?  Actually, I've known for a long time that if I ever do have a car, I'd prefer a burnt orange one. Do you own a fall wreath? Yeah. What event did you last dress up for? Who went to that event? Uhhh probably Ashley's wedding, so over a year ago.  And plenty of people. What is the last illegal thing you did, even the smallest crime? Rode in a car with my friend while she smoked weed because I was too nervous to tell her I didn't want to go with her.  I was terrified. Beard or moustache? I don't particularly have an opinion on either, but I'm more likely to like a beard. Have you ever witnessed a birth?  I've seen cats give birth many times, and while I'm honestly terrified to because personally I find birth more disgusting than miraculous, I really do want to be in the room with Colleen when she has her baby.  I mean c'mon, she's my best friend, and I'm also going to be his/her godmother.  I want to be there. Where’s your favorite place to be when you feel depressed?  My room.  But that's no different than any other time. Would you like to be able to read thoughts?  Not really, no. Have you ever been on a farm?  Yes.  Ashley had a friend who lives on one. Do you have freckles?  No. What is the temperature currently in the town you live in?  According to my phone, 60.  So glad fall's here, and the middle of the night. Have you ever made out on a couch?  Yeah. What are you doing on Halloween?  I don't know, but I hope I do something. Do you own any Sims games? Which ones?  I own most of the animal ones.  I used to looove them. Do you know anyone who still doesn’t have a smartphone?  My mom.  She legit has an ObamaPhone because we're poor. What is your favorite kind of fruit juice?  Mango and peach mix. Do you acknowledge your feelings or ignore them? I've always acknowledged them. If you have kids, do you pack lunches or send lunch money?  I don't have kids, but if I did, I'd pack lunch for them if they didn't like what was being served that day. Do you have any cousins that you’re jealous of? Why?  Robby and Audrey, yes.  They're both veeery ambitious, smart, talented, and on paths to great success. Do you hate your last name? Do you want to get married so you can change it?  I actually don't like my last name, but I don't want to get married just to change it, that's ridiculous. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Why did you break up?  Aaron, and I realized it was merely platonic attraction. Is green your favorite color?  I actually don't like green unless it's pastel or mint, and even then, I'm not big on it. Have you ever fallen asleep laying on your boyfriend/girlfriend?  One ex, yes. What was the last vacation you went on?  The beach with Colleen and her husband last May. Describe your best friend’s hair. Colleen's is short, somewhat curly towards the end, and light brown right now, and Sara's is long and brown. In school, what subjects did you achieve your highest grades in? English Which of the seven deadly sins are you most guilty of? Quite easily sloth. Do you have very strong opinions?  Usually, yes.  Sometimes I'm totally ambivalent, occasionally on important issues, which honestly bothers me, but I just.  Can't always pick a side. Do you believe in reincarnation? No. Have you ever had to give a pet away?  Our neighbors called animal control once because they complained about our cats wandering into their yard.  The bullshit thing is they never actually confronted us about it, they just called them and they were all taken.  I fucking sobbed, especially because this included Aphrodite, one of my favorite cats we've ever had. Have you ever cooked anything other than s’mores over a fire?  Yes, hot dogs.  They taste amazing like that. Is anybody in your family disabled? I don't think so. If you have Facebook, how many friends do you have on there? I checked, 116. Have you ever worn a corset?  No but I totally would if I was smaller because they're fucking hot. What is your favorite pair of earrings? I have these really pretty, hanging earrings that are circular-shaped, the outside being made of black gems and then three chains hanging down inside of it, the center of each having a little black bow.  They're super cute; I wore them to I think both of my proms. Do you have health insurance?  We're in the process of trying to get it. When was the last time you cleaned your ears via QTip?  It's been like a month because I was instructed not to after I got my ears cleaned after wax being literally adhered to my eardrums because I used q-tips so frequently; it pushed it back too far.  My mom now uses some kind of tool to clean my ears for me because my ears have always produced waaay too much wax and I don't want to not clean them. Ever lived through a natural disaster?  Yes, hurricanes. How many tattoos do you want?  Oh my gosh, so many.  I want my arms and shoulders essentially covered, I know I want one on the top of my right hand, there's one I want on my hip, I might get one on my foot...  I don't think I'll get any on my legs, though.  There's few I like that look good there imo. Are you planning to go see a movie anytime soon? I totally wanna see "Happy Death Day."  It looks pretty creepy. Which of “greasy, salty, bitter, sweet, spicy, bland” do you react most strongly against? Bitter. When you’re completely exhausted, do you prefer to be around people or not?  God, no.  I get irritable. Rank Oceans, Forests, Tundra, Deserts, Mountains, Prairies, Lakes with whatever comparator you like. Mountains, deserts, tundras, forests, lakes, prairies, oceans. Abolish human-caused death, or disease-caused death?  Hmmm.  I think... disease-caused?  You can't change diseases, you can educate people.  Now, that obviously hasn't worked on many people, but I feel it would be more beneficial. Is it better for things in general to err on the side of too simple, or too complex? Too simple. Do you have any phobias?  Pregnancy and childbirth, VOMIT, whale sharks, situationally claustrophobic, mildly afraid of dolls, mannequins, and animatronics.  Probably others I'm forgetting. Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret?  Kinda. Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”?  Eh, I think so. Do you pop your bones or crack your knuckles? Ugh no, the sound is disgusting. Would you rather have an owl or a snake? God, why not both?  But I think an owl would be more interesting. Are you a mean drunk? I've never been drunk, but any time I've been tipsy, I've just been giddy. Have you had any major tragedies in your life? The biggest was the breakup; that was absolutely a tragedy.  The almost total loss of sanity that followed that was also one. Name the last 10 people in your Facebook inbox. 1.) Don, 2.) Colleen's father-in-law, 3.) Summer, 4.) Colleen, 5.) Sammy, 6.) Miss Tobey, 7.) Everett, 8.) Morgan, 9.) Kieley, 10.) Nicole When was the last time you saw 4?  Last weekend, I think it was. Has 2 ever made you cry?  No. Where did you meet 3?  Pretty sure when Nicole was in kindergarten.  True story, it was them who started out as friends, then me and her shifted into being closer. What’s the age difference between yourself and 6?  At least 30 years.  She's a family friend. How old is 2? I don't know. Have you ever slept in the same bed as 5?  No, we've never even met. Is 4 attractive?  She's beautiful. Does 3 care about you?  Well considering she cried and reminded me how loved I was when she got me to talk about my suicide attempt, I'd think so.  She's a sweetheart. Have you ever kissed 10?  No. How long have you known 6? Since my senior years of high school. Is 9 younger than you? No. What if you had a one night stand with 8? Nope. What’s the first letter of 7’s last name? H Have you ever met 5’s parents?  No. What if 3 told you that he/she liked your ex? She dated Tyler briefly, but she can't stand him anymore.  She agreed he got attached far too easily.  She brought him up at the party. 1 is coming to your house for dinner, what will you cook for him/her? I don't cook. Has 9 ever cried in front of you?  I think she might've teared up while talking to me in Skype once, I'm not sure. Describe your relationship with 2. I don't really have a relationship with him, and I can't pinpoint why, but he actually mildly creeps me out.  I don't have a reason, he just does. When was the last time you saw 10? Earlier. What’s 5’s favorite food? I think pizza? Do you know 3’s middle name?  Rae Does 6 have long or short hair? Long. Have you ever held hands with 1?  Yeah. Does 8 have any piercings or tattoos? I think she has her ears pierced, don't know about tats. If 3 never spoke to you again, how would you feel? That would suck. Have you ever felt jealous of 4?  Envious, yes. Which of these 10 people would you say you’re closest to? Colleen. Do you listen to music simply for the melody or for the lyrics?  Mostly melody.  I can listen to songs with horrible and/or offensive lyrics and still enjoy the song for the melody. What is the most visited website on your Internet window?  YouTube. How many windows are in the room you’re in, if there are any? Two. Do you always voice your opinion to random people? NOPE Would you ever consider yourself over-dramatic?  I can be.  Used to be way worse, though. Do you like to sing? Do you personally think you have a good singing voice?  No and no.  Even most of the closest people in my life haven't heard me sing What is one word you could never properly pronounce?  People will ALWAYS point out how I say "breakfast."  I don't know why, but I always put a "t" sound after the "k."  I literally can't say it right. ;-; Three of your favorite movies in the world: My first two are Burton's "Alice in Wonderland" and "White Chicks," but I don't have a set third one.  Maybe "Troy?"  I need to watch that again, I love it. Do you ever get paranoid about who your significant other hangs out with? I'm single. Which one of your guy friends is the best looking?  Probs Kyle.  We don't really talk anymore after high school, but I still consider him a friend. Which one of your friends is the most brutally honest?  Colleen. Which band do you have the most of on your iPod/music player? Ozzy Osbourne.  Metallica comes close. What color is your shower curtain? White. Do you like screamo music?  No.  I want to be able to hear words. What song are you listening to, if any?  I am like??  Obsessed with "Cool Patrol" by NSP??  It is so catchy and the music video is like aesthetic as fuck?? Do you like the color purple?  Yes, especially pastel shades. Do you have a sensitive gag reflex?  You would not fucking believe it.  I can barely brush my tongue.  If it gives you an idea, dentists have to use those things that go in your cheek when doing x-rays meant for children versus adults. Have you ever had an online argument?  I have been socially active on the Internet since I was nine.  Take a guess. Are you at risk for any medical issues?  Quite a few.  Cancer might run in our family, diabetes does, and I found out very recently that I have inactive MRSA, which could become active. Would you try to be a hero in a hostage situation? I'd probably be too terrified to. What flavor [in general] is your favorite?  Strawberry Have you ever lied about your sexual past?  No. Dark hair or light hair in the opposite sex? I apparently have a thing for dark hair. Have you ever stayed up very late talking to the person you like[d]?  Yeah. Have your parents ever not approved of someone? You mean of someone I dated?  Mom never liked Juan, but we weren't even together for a day, so he doesn't even really count. Have you ever snuggled with someone you weren’t dating?  No. What is your best friend’s mom’s name?  Cindy and Donna. Who is you BEST friend ever's name?  I think the person I've ever been closest to was Megan, but considering most of what I knew about her was a lie, y'know.  Maybe Mini, then. What is your favorite Hostess/Little Debbie snack?  Omg Twnkies.  True story, Mom's nickname for me has been "Twinkie" since childhood (I know, embarrassing, right), so I guess it's fate lol. Do you/your family buy loaf from the bakery or bagged on the shelf? Bagged. White, wheat or other?  My favorite's pumpernickel, but of those, wheat. Do you embarrass easily?  Almost everything embarrasses me, holy shit. Are you afraid of heights? Yes.  Not horribly, but still afraid. What’s the best thing about being your gender?  I dunno. And the worst thing?  Menstruation is some bullshit. What’s one subject that makes you feel uncomfortable?  As far as talking about?  I can get uncomfortable with sexual stuff.  Not always, really just depends on who I'm with and the subject. When does your driver’s license expire? I don't have a license, but my permit expires in December. Do you like pulp in your orange juice? NONONONONONONONO I CAN'T DRINK IT NO If you could donate to any charity, which would it be?  There's one that focuses entirely on suicide prevention, can't remember the name, but totally that one. What’s one old school Nickelodeon show you wish was still on? Stealing the last person's answer, "Drake and Josh."  I loved that shit. Does it make you uncomfortable when your parents talk about finding people attractive? If your parents don’t make comments like that, what sort of things can your family members say that do make you feel uncomfortable?  No. Are there any subjects that you are interested in so much that you would read whole books or academic journals about them?  No. Can you write in cursive?  My handwriting is mostly cursive. Where do you like to sit in the movie theater? Pretty near the back and in the middle of the row. Would you rather live in Oz, Neverland, Wonderland, or Middle Earth? Wonderland! Don’t you just love it when guys sing to you? If it's directly at me, I'd feel super awkward.  Like how would I react. Ever taken dance lessons? For a good number of years. What is your favorite kind of cookie? Chocolate chip. Can you play the saxophone?  No, but I actually wish I'd played that instead of flute in high school. What kind of camera do you have?  Nikon D3200 Who is your favorite superhero?  I don't have any strong opinions on superheroes, but I guess Batman. Who is your favorite supervillain?  She's really a sidekick, but whatever.  Harley Quinn's a beb. What is your dream job?  Meerkat biologist.  I don't pursue it mainly because I don't want to move out of the country. What’s your favorite TV show of all time?  "Meerkat Manor." What do you want for Christmas?  This year I'm legitimately only asking for one thing, and that's a tattoo.  I don't know much about pricing tats, but I'm going to guess it'll be around $150.  As I get older, the less things I really want, and there truly isn't many other things I'm like dying to get, and I don't like my parents buying me too much shit anyway.

[mst3kproject]

106: The Crawling Hand

A movie in which a guy is brutally attacked while Surfin' Bird plays on the soundtrack.  We can all strike that off our list of Shit We Never Thought We'd See.

As the film opens, astronaut Mel Lockhart (no relation to Gilderoy, but perhaps an ancestor of Brant) hasn't quite made it back to Earth.  He gets blown up before he can complete the trip, but his severed arm somehow survives re-entry and washes up on a beach where it comes to the attention of a kid named Paul Lawrence.  The arm is carrying some kind of alien organism that infects anything it touches with the desire to kill, and soon Paul Isn't Paul Anymore as the space bugs take over his mind.  The arm, meanwhile, goes on a rather more limited rampage of its own, strangling Paul's landlady and knocking over her preserves.  Cops and scientists argue over who's in charge of the investigation, and horror and comedy argue over who's in charge of the script.

I had forgotten, but Allison Hayes is in this, too.  She plays Captain Lockhart’s girlfriend in a subplot that goes absolutely nowhere and she’s still more into it than she was in The Unearthly.  I’m gonna assume that her boyfriend blowing up in space was what caused the nervous breakdown that landed her at John Carradine’s little home hospital.  I told you guys the movies were coming together!

The bit about infectious alien bacteria in the summary isn't quite accurate.  The two scientists, Dr. Curan and Dr. Weitzberg (whose name the movie has to take the trouble to spell for us), spend significant time expositing poetically to us about what's been happening to living tissue sent into space.  Something about an Earth cell romancing a cosmic ray and giving birth to some vital force that evolves intelligence within minutes or hours, turning men into killers and rats into brooding supervillains.  I don't know why they went with this labored explanation when 'angry space germs' is literally three words. Generally in movie exposition less is more, unless the 'more' is somehow vitally important to the plot – which here, it is not.

The Crawling Hand is a dumb movie, and it's not my favourite film or my favourite episode, but I've kind of been looking forward to writing about it because this is my chance to share my theory about Hand Movies.  There are a surprising number of animate severed hands in movies.  Attack of the The Eye Creatures had one, for instance, as did The Evil Dead 2, and everybody remembers the Addams family's pet hand, Thing.  But hands also have movies of their own: in addition to The Crawling Hand there's The Beast with Five Fingers and The Hand, Severed Ties and that one short in Dr. Terror's House of Horrors.  What can we take from this, besides the fact that I watch way too many movies?  Well, I think that the Hand Movie is actually a sort of necessary partner of the Brain Movie.

We – or at least, those of us with an unhealthy love of awful old horror movies – have all seen a Brain Movie.  Stuff like The Brain from Planet Arous or Donovan's Brain, and several movies simply called The Brain.  Even things like It Conquered the World can be thought of as variations on the Brain Movie, because what the brain represents in movies like these is intellect unfettered by morality.  Either because they have no emotions or simply no interest in the lesser beings still trapped in the flesh, these brains apply their intelligence to doing things normal humans could but know that we shouldn't.

There's a problem with being a disembodied brain, though.  Humans are very proud of our brains, claiming they're the main thing that sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom etc etc etc, but our brains wouldn't do us much good if we didn't also have hands. The thing humans do, to a degree no other creature does, is build shit.  Our brains are vitally important in figuring out how to build shit, but it's our hands that do the actual work.  We talk about finding 'intelligent life' in space but intelligence alone is not what we're looking for – dolphins are smart, but an alien SETI program would never find them. That's why dolphins need that alliance with the electricians, so there'll be somebody to build their warships for them.  Our search for life in space is a search for fellow builders.

The lack of hands plagues the villains of brain movies.  Gor from The Brain from Planet Arous needs a body in order to take over the world, so the poor thing is forced to possess John Agar's. Donovan's Brain uses its telepathic link with Dr. Cory to carry on shady business dealings.  In It Conquered the World Beulah uses human slaves, either willing or unwilling, to do its bidding.  A brain without hands is mere purpose without action – which brings us to the Hand Movie.  If an isolated brain is purpose without action, then an isolated hand is action without purpose.

Sometimes evil hands in movies do have a purpose – The Beast with Five Fingers seems to be taking revenge on the people who wronged its owner in life, for instance, and Ash' possessed hand in The Evil Dead is being controlled by the movie's nameless evil force.  Even in these cases, however, the hand itself is just a tool.  It cannot be reasoned with, and killing it does not mean killing the controlling influence, which can find another tool and try again. The Crawling Hand isn't one of these, though.  It is in fact a particularly pure example of the Hand Movie, because the titular crawling hand is animated by the alien bacteria and there is no purpose to its actions at all.  It's not trying to rule the world, or to make money, or anything like that.  It just kills people because it can, and there's no way to stop it from doing so except to either lock it up or destroy it.

If Brain Movies are about intellect without emotion, it's also possible to read Hand Movies as emotion without intellect.  The emotion involved is usually anger, whether the vengeful rage of The Beast with Five Fingers or the undirected murderous instinct of The Crawling Hand.  Whether the dichotomy is thought/action or reason/emotion, Hand Movies represent the partner of the Brain Movie, and the end result is the same whether it's the hand or the brain that has been isolated.  Either is an incomplete, perverse entity that cannot contribute anything to the world.  True creativity, true invention, and true humanity can only come from brain and hands working harmoniously together in one being.

This line of thought, that wholeness is essential to human-ness, is probably why we get things like bad guys with partially or even mostly-robotic bodies, like Darth Vader or that guy in Lois and Clark who wanted to transplant his head onto Superman's body – which I would much rather watch than bullshit like Me Before You, in which a man who has lost the use of his limbs cannot be convinced that life is still worth living even with Emilia Clarke.  For the record, if I ever lose a major body part, I am definitely going the supervillain route. If I get to hang out with the cast of Game of Thrones while I do it, bonus!

But let's get back to The Crawling Hand.  The movie presents this unreasoning incompleteness as something infectious, that can spread to humans and deprive us of our intellects, leaving only the purposeless rage of the hand.  In the opening scene we briefly see the doomed astronaut begging for help.  He is well on his way to hand-zombie-hood, periodically breaking off his sentences to chant, “kill, kill!”, but when he describes his situation he refers specifically to his problem being in his hand. It started there, 'making him do things', before moving on to the rest of his body.  The fact that it started in his hand is in large part responsible for the mess he's now in, since with that appendage out of his control, he can't activate the spacecraft's self-destruct mechanism.

Maybe it's because of the alien influence that the hand survives to land on Earth and be picked up by Paul Lawrence (man there were a lot of Pauls on MST3K), who it infects in turn.  Under the influence of the angry space germs, Paul too becomes little more than what the hand is: an undirected, purposeless killing machine. In this form he attacks people he knows, but there's no hint that this is because Paul himself is in any way resentful of them.  The soda shop owner was a weirdo but Paul had no reason to want him dead, and Marta is explicitly somebody Paul loves.  Zombie-Paul attacks them not because he is letting out anything he has suppressed, but simply because they are available.  When he has a choice, he tries to make Marta leave his house, or decides to run away from home, in order to avoid harming her or anybody else.

Sadly, most of what's interesting about The Crawling Hand is the opportunity to examine the sub-genre it lies in and how it relates to other types of body-part movies.  The movie itself spends way too much of its time on Paul and the scientists, and not nearly enough on what drew the audience in to see it, which is the unavoidably humourous image of a disembodied hand strangling people. Instead the film-makers use Zombie-Paul as the main villain, probably because they knew damn well the hand thing would make people laugh rather than scream.  This was probably a mistake.  The surf movie soundtrack, the crusty soda shop owner, and the scientists' clumsy improvised investigation are all clearly meant to be funny, and the movie as a whole would probably have worked better as an explicit horror-comedy about a murderous hand than it does trying to divide itself into discreet 'horror' and 'comedy' sections.

And yes, you can expect to see both The Brain from Planet Arous and The Beast with Five Fingers in the Episodes that Never Were section.  I wouldn't miss them for the world!

[argonapricot]

when you REBLOG IT do ALL OF THEM

1: Name - Julia

2: Age - the number of protons in an argon atom! My favorite element! That didn’t even occur to me until just now and I am delighted.

3: 3 Fears -

1. Plane crashes

2. Dementia

3. Bad things happening to pets

4: 3 things I love -

1. elves

2. Dvorak

3. making fun of you

5: 4 turns on

1. Linguistics

2. The end credit music from Attack of the Clones

3. Girls

4. Chord resolutions

6: 4 turns off

1. Sex

2. Existentialism

3. Depression

4. Logistical complications

7: My best friend - three of alex in a trenchcoat

8: Sexual orientation - homosexualism

9: My best first date - I’ve only had one! Unless you count Mackenzie Week which wow I sure don’t yikes

But yeah, the actual first date was cute af we were adorable and drenched

10: How tall am I - not tall enough

11: What do I miss - so much all the time, god. Having it be a normal and socially accessible activity to play pretend when you hang out with friends. Having a girlfriend, lol. Playing outside in the yard, my brother being a tiny little puffball. Being an impressive child. So many childhood things actually I’m an enormous sap. Not being depressed?

12: What time was I born - 7:02 in the evening, I think

13: Favorite color - poorple

14: Do I have a crush - um i have like 7 I’m bad at getting over people

15: Favorite quote - “the answer is six” - alex, that one time the answer wasn’t six

16: Favorite place - it’s a secret!

17: Favorite food - academic vigor

18: Do I use sarcasm - no of course not

19: What am I listening to right now - the clock trying to guilt me from across the room

20: First thing I notice in new person - whether or not they are painted green 

21: Shoe size - 9/12

22: Eye color - Brown! Maybe like ¼ hazel

23: Hair color - also brown! It gets lighter in the summer, the sun bleaches it a bit.

24: Favorite style of clothing - gay

25: Ever done a prank call? - I used to prank call Clarissa every time I called her in like middle school, but it was always super obvious that it was me I think

27: Meaning behind my URL - my favorite element, paired with a handy dandy alliteration fruit that I enjoy

28: Favorite movie - Alex making a fool of herself

jk it’s I guess Lord of the Rings but I’m honestly so bad with favorites especially movies

29: Favorite song - I’ve been listening to Hurt by Johnny Cash a LOT lately, for fictional angst purposes and also it’s just a really good song

30: Favorite band - the Grady Knights Philharmonic

31: How I feel right now - sad that I’m only on number 31

32: Someone I love - Lee Pope

33: My current relationship status - so single you don’t even know

34: My relationship with my parents - good! I have great parents they are great!

35: Favorite holiday - I’ve only actually been to a Tu b’shvat seder once, but it was so incredibly rad and it’s a good holiday I approve of it.

36: Tattoos and piercing i have - none

37: Tattoos and piercing i want - none?

38: The reason I joined Tumblr - to get in on that sweet pjo fandom action

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? nah bro @alphaj8de hi five

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? - I exchange “goodnights” with someone if we end a conversation by going to bed?

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? - quite possibly!

42: When did I last hold hands? - I hold hands with Tolkien every day of my life

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? - Depends on how slowly I get out of bed

44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days? - yeah

45: Where am I right now? - on a couch

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? - fanfiction, probably, since all of my good caring friends are Leaving me to go to Party College, or alternatively Very Far Away And Stupidly Cold Stupid College

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? - I like my music neurotically soft

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? - for the next like two months

49: Am I excited for anything? - college! Hannah’s lake house! garbage on the internet! 

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? - I rarely tell Everything to anyone

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? - I suck at fake smiles, and can only maintain them (when called for) in three-second bursts

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? - I hugged Benjamin earlier today

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? - I would stand there like a tool.

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? - YEAH @cognitivelyagitated I can’t believe you took advantage of my eighth grade self like that and I can’t believe my eighth grade self was that stupid.

55: What is something I disliked about today? - Discord crashed and my online friend was not online.

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? - *mumblemumble*

57: What do I think about most? - characters doing Things

58: What’s my strangest talent? - I have the power to make sleeping possums knit

59: Do I have any strange phobias? - macaroni and cheese, also certain noises that make me flip out and cringe

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? - I can go both ways!

61: What was the last lie I told? - the answer to that sarcasm question

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? - what is communication

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? - I don’t devote a lot of energy into having opinions on ghosts or aliens one way or the other.

64: Do I believe in magic? - sometimes

65: Do I believe in luck? - I mean luck is just the concept that sometimes good things happen and sometimes they don’t? So yeah, the experimental probability of good things that happen is a thing.

66: What’s the weather like right now? - hot and humid

67: What was the last book I’ve read? - I’m in the middle of like four books right now, the last one I finished was I think A Conjuring Of Light? In the shades of magic trilogy, which was hype.

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? - no!

69: Do I have any nicknames? - julesliaia

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? - I broke my arm in seventh grade

71: Do I spend money or save it? - both!

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? - no

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? - there are some pink things visible on the screen where this is being typed?

74: Favorite animal? - I like all kinds of cats

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? - watching Episode 3 of IDOL Drama Operation Team

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? - why would he have a last name

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? - I can’t think of the best answer right now

78: How can you win my heart? - elf appreciation

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? - my name would be nice

80: What is my favorite word? - right now, sepulchral

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr - I don’t really rate tumblrs!

82:  If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? - stop! being stupid! stop being mean! Help the planet and also other people! I don’t know

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? - no

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? - being able to sing well would be nice

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? - are you spending your time responsibly?

86: What is my current desktop picture? - Yosemite

87: Had sex? - y

88: Bought condoms? - n

89: Gotten pregnant? - n

90: Failed a class? - n

91: Kissed a boy? - n

92: Kissed a girl? - y

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? - I think so, yeah

94: Had job? - y

95: Left the house without my wallet? - y

96: Bullied someone on the internet? - n

97: Had sex in public? - nah that’s your gig

98: Played on a sports team? - I was a part of the Lucky Clovers soccer team in like 1st and 2nd grade

99: Smoked weed? - n

100: Did drugs? - n

101: Smoked cigarettes? - n

102: Drank alcohol? - some! on special occasions

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? - n

104: Been overweight? - n

105: Been underweight? - n

106: Been to a wedding? - Yeah, a couple!

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? - ………..probably on some late nights, but that’s terrible and I feel ashamed and sad

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? - n

109: Been outside my home country? - twice! Once to Spain and once to Mexico

110: Gotten my heart broken? - There have been a couple instances of vague heart breakage idk

111: Been to a professional sports game? - during TIP camps, yes

112: Broken a bone? - y

114: Been to prom? - I was busy Killing It at Carnegie Hall

115: Been in airplane? - y

116: Fly by helicopter? - n

117: What concerts have I been to? - @queer-sighted took me to a Fall Out Boy concert two summers ago, which was lots of fun! I’ve been to a lot of ASO concerts that Mom gets tickets to for producing the show, and a bunch of other classical music occasions, and some concerts that I’ve played!

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? - yeah. like. a Lot.

119: Learned another language? - I learned some okay French

120: Wore make up? - y

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? - y but virginity is dumb

122: Had oral sex? - y

123: Dyed my hair? - n

124: Voted in a presidential election? - I was too young!

125: Rode in an ambulance? - n

126: Had a surgery? - yeah, on my foot in second grade

127: Met someone famous? - my crush met Selena Gomez does that count

128: Stalked someone on a social network? - only a tiny bit

129: Peed outside? - of course

130: Been fishing? - I’ve stood near some people who were fishing sometimes

131: Helped with charity? - I’ve worked on a lot of tikkun olam projects? And volunteered places? And donated tzeddakah? I don’t know what specifically constitutes charity.

132: Been rejected by a crush? - only very indirectly I have the forthcoming romantic initiative of a slug

133: Broken a mirror? - no

134: What do I want for birthday? - ummmm books and mamamoo I guess? Maybe a new tablet

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #106: A Traitor Stalks Among Us!

December, 1972

A traitor on the team? Someone has signed the Judas Contract?? This would be suspenseful except we know its Hawkeye, just itching to shoot Wanda. Orrr maybe Vision wanting to get a hooman body so he can feel hooman emotions like love.

That’s where I’m placing my chips.

Last time: the Avengers fought the Beast Brood in the Savage Land because maybe Quicksilver was there except he wasn’t. And Vision decided that since mind control didn’t work on him, HE WAS INCAPABLE OF LOVE.

This time: He is still sulking about it.

In fact, that’s where Cap finds him when he returns from imposter issues in his own book. He switched to a less comfortable looking chair though, to really hammer in how much he’s brooding. Which is a lot.

Vision proceeds to vent at an increasingly confused Captain America.

And before he can even try to get to the bottom of all those complicated robo-angsts, Rick Jones bursts in to vent his spleen.

They really need to have someone at the door to screen out certain visitors.

Anyway, this is dump your baggage on Cap day because Rick yells at Cap for not inviting him along to fight killer robots and how he doesn’t need Cap anymore he’s got a cooler friend and he’s a Captain too thank you very much!

And Rick Jones does the legally distinct shazam and switches places with Captain Marvel.

And Captain America just screams.

Although the art looks more like a face palm and groan.

Because for some reason, forgotten memories come flooding back. And doctors can tell you that forgotten memories really hurt.

Cap and Rick Jones in Bucky’s outfit (Cap why) fighting Hydra in a cemetery.

One of the Hydra goons finds a Multi-Struct Weapon and blasts Cap and Rick Bucky. Assuming them dead, the Hydra agents flee.

But Cap and Rick were just playing possum. Presumably the Multi-Struct Blaster had been damaged and wasn’t working at full capacity. Whatever.

And there the weird flashback ends.

Rick Jones unshazam’d when he saw Cap flip out. Cap reveals he was remembering the events of Captain America #113, where he thwarted Madame Hydra’s plan to kill the Avengers.

But he was remembering it differently! A second fight in the cemetery!

Meanwhile, Black Panther. Remember, he was in town to do a favor for Daredevil but then Quicksilver’s disappearance has kept him in town. It’s been like old times when he was a regular Avenger and he’s wondering if he should make old times new times again.

I mean, you left the team in the first place because the guy running your country for you died but sure, get someone else to do your job so you can help save the world. Bit of a warning though: you are a terrible judge of character with people you leave in charge.

You had no qualms about M’Baku until he tried to kill you so he could usurp the country. And N’Baza was just a real standup guy who only wanted best for Wakanda even though you kept side-eyeing him in suspicion.

Maybe have your sister exist decades early and put her in charge. She always seemed like she had a good head on her shoulders.

Anyway, Black Panther, Iron Man, Scarlet Witch, and Hawkeye are investigating that disappearance that was mentioned on the last pages of last issue.

Hawkeye is fairly dismissive of the whole thing until he falls into a hole in the ground and disappears.

Meanwhile, Captain America. Returned to Drearcliff Cemetary to try to jog his memory.

And if not jogs, then at least speed walks.

He remembers him and Rick chasing after the Hydra agents who disappeared into a gutted tenement after they fled the cemetery. He remembers him and Rick falling down a hole into a hidden base.

They enter an elevator BUT IT WAS A TRAP! The panel borders close in on them, threatening to crush the pair.

With Cap stuck trying to brace the walls, Rick Jones rips out the elevator controls and hotwires them.

They burst out of the busted elevator to the consternation of the Hydra agents who thought they were dead in the cemetery.

And here I think I need to mention a weird art gimmick. I mean, aside from the panel borders closing in to represent a crushing trap.

When one of these flashbacks starts, everything is shaded green. As it goes on, other colors brighten up until the panels are colored normally. And then when the flashback reaches its end, things greenify until everything is green tinted again.

Its a decent way of marking off flashbacks without being too confusing.

Anyway, things greened out so now we’re back in the cemetery with Cap, bent over a headstone from the trauma of remembering. But now he has an additional bread crumb to follow and he leaves the cemetery to look for that gutted tenement.

Meanwhile, Iron Man! He and the other Avengers have jumped down the hole to look for Hawkeye. They find themselves in a tunnel so they split up to head in both directions: Iron Man and Scarlet Witch one way, Black Panther the other.

But Black Panther kind of cheated when he split up. He sensed danger down the direction he chose for himself but he wanted to face it alone. I guess to prove that he still was Avengers material after being away from the team.

One would think that one of the most important parts of being Avengers material was good teamwork. But lets not lie. We know that This Is Something I Have To Do Myself is an unwritten rule on this team.

Anyway, lurking around a corner, Hawkeye ambushes Black Panther and tries to stab him with an arrow.

Black Panther is confused, on many levels, but he doesn’t let that stop him from knocking Hawkeye to the ground.

The other two Avengers hear the commotion and come running. They find Black Panther standing above a prone Hawkeye. But Black Panther accuses the bowman of trying to kill him.

Scarlet Witch wonders if Hawkeye is a traitor but Black Panther is noncommittal. Something seems strange about Hawkeye. His attack was clumsy and he forgot that you can shoot arrows out of a bow. They’re not supposed to be daggers with a long wooden hilt.

Then the lights flash off.

When they come back, Hawkeye is confused. He asks when the other Avengers got there and why his head hurts like someone kicked his ass. When asked, he doesn’t even remember attacking Black Panther.

And then Iron Man punches Black Panther.

Geez, Tony can’t be the traitor yet. We have to wait until a really bad storyline in the 90s for that (spoiler warning).

Traitor Tony waffles on what to use to attack Black Panther but then exclaims “Die, Panther!” just like Hawkeye had before.

But Hawkeye grabs Iron Man and wrests his arms up so he blasts into the ceiling of the tunnel. Scarlet Witch tries to muffle the force of the blast so they don’t collapse the tunnel in on themselves.

And then Iron Man collapses and the lights blink out again.

And when the lights come back on, Black Panther punches Hawkeye in the face.

And with Iron Man dazed and Hawkeye unconscious from face punch, that just leaves the suddenly menacing Black Panther and Scarlet Witch. And her powers are exhausted from muffling the Iron blast.

And then Iron Man tackles Black Panther who lands without his typical grace. But when he scrambles to his feet he doesn’t try to attack.

Hawkeye is conscious by this point (say what you want about Clint Barton but he recovers from a smack to the gob like a champ). All four Avengers warily watch each other.

And then Iron Man has an epiphany. He has realized who is behind this! And then he pauses, expecting to be silenced.

But he isn’t so he knows that the perpetrator doesn’t expect the knowledge to help.

IN FACT, he’ll go ahead and introduce himself now.

HEY EVERYONE, REMEMBER THE SPACE PHANTOM!!?

From issue #2? He was like the Skrulls except used to retcon a lot more things down the line?

Man, talk about a deep cut.

The other three Avengers grasp what’s going on now. They may not have been around years ago when the Avengers fought this doofus but this was back when new Avengers diligently read all the old case files.

So obviously, whenever the lights went out, the Space Phantom swapped who he was replacing to wear down the whole group with punches and suspicion.

The reason why Space Phantom hasn’t been heard from in years is because he has been planning and plotting and scheming his revenge this whole time and probably trapped in limbo for a significant fraction of that time too.

He staged the disappearance that lured the Avengers down here by replacing a human causing them to disappear into Limbo. And now that the Avengers have been lured, their end is inexorable.

THE AVENGERS WILL CEASE TO EXIST!

To just heap on the ‘you are screwed’ feeling, he shoots them all with a paralysis ray when they leap to attack him.

But also, as if the situation wasn’t already plenty dire: Space Phantom has teamed up with Grim Reaper!

Now there is an odd couple. Although, if Grim Reaper has a gimmick aside from one-note brother issues, its weird team-ups.

But how does this tie into the weird painful forgotten memories Cap is following? And Vision, what of he and his angst?

The next time box promises that in regards to that, SHOCK FOLLOWS SHOCK!

And one more little note. I forgot to mention it last issue, but Steve Englehart has taken over as the writer for Avengers. Englehart is one of those mostly fondly regarded comic authors. He was the writer of the “Laughing Fish” Batman story. He’s the one that wrote the Nomad story in Captain America and made the book one of Marvel’s top sellers. He co-created Shang-Chi and Star-Lord - although granted a much different take on the latter character than he is now. He’s also the author of one of the classic Avengers epics and the creator of my inexplicable fave Avenger.

And he also dropped acid with Jim Starlin. So that’s neat.

[radramblog]

Every Mono-Black Commander Part 1: Oh right, old magic design

A while back, I did a couple of articles regarding every single (at the time) Boros legend available to helm one’s commander deck. It was a long, slow process, but it’s a color combination I care about a lot, so I think it was worth the while.

I kinda felt like doing this again, so I was wondering what colours would be best to do this about. And it turns out the colour combo I care about the most after Boros is…mono-black. I mean, I have 2 mono-black decks at time of writing with a third half-built, so it stands to reason that I’m clearly an expert in this field.

Now…this might be a mistake. This might take a while. Because as it turns out, there are almost 3 times as many B commanders as RW ones. But, we’ll figure it out as we go. This is: Every Mono Black Commander. Part one. Of I don’t know how many. Once again I’m not including the partners because that’ll take too long, but to be fair, it’ll be a hot minute until we get there.

Baron Sengir (12 decks, 88th most played)

Oh right. Homelands. Part of the upside with doing Boros last was that I got to skip this entire phase of Magic’s design, since Enemy colour pairs weren’t allowed to have cards until, like, Apocalypse. There wasn’t a Boros commander until Ravnica, so the cards I was talking about were at least functional.

Baron Sengir is an old, old classic at this point. The original Vampire tribal commander, it’s an 8-mana flyer with two basically shite abilities and has been pretty heavily outdone by, among other things, himself. But, he’s still Baron fucking Sengir, so you can’t help but appreciate him. Just read that flavour text, it’s so unbelievably edgy but still so cool.

 Grandmother Sengir (4 decks, N/A)

For some reason, EDHREC doesn’t list anything below a card we’ll get to later on the list, so I don’t know how Grandmother Sengir stacks up against such powerful competition. Look, she’s an overcosted creature with a bad ability, I know I love jank but this is just uninteresting. Next.

(Also if she’s part of the Sengir family why is she a Human not a Vampire?)

 Ihsan’s Shade (32 decks, 69th most played)

If I had to guess, Ihsan’s Shade has such a nice position on account of its reprint at Uncommon in Masters 25, letting it be one of the 15 commanders available for the colour identity in Pauper commander- though most of those are fairly new cards, so for a while the Shade was probably one of the better options. And that’s just sad. But hey, still dodges White removal and most of Red’s, so eh. He’s the only Legendary Shade (barring changelings), so I guess he’s got that going for him if you want to build that deck.

 Irini Sengir (6 decks, 102nd most played)

Legendary Creature- Vampire Dwarf is a fun typeline, but that’s about the best Irini has going for her. I guess she’s a Black card that messes with Enchantress, so if you’re really struggling with like, 4 Estrid decks in your meta, why not. Or just play a deck with Fracturing Gust.

 Veldrane of Sengir (9 decks, 94th most played)

…holy shit this card is just awful, isn’t it? Looking at what’s below it on the decks list, some of these cards are a lot more interesting and I have no idea why you’d play this idiot over any of those. I’d rather build Irini, man.

Aight are there any other Sengirs I should know about? No? Good, thank fuck.

 Purraj of Urborg (3 decks, N/A)

Well we’re through Homelands, but it’s still early Magic design. Purraj at least does A Thing, where she gets bigger if you cast black spells. I can actually envision a decklist built around Purraj in a way that I couldn’t with half of these Sengir dorks. She’s still comically underpowered, and I of course understand why people wouldn’t build her, but you could do something here.

 Shauku, Endbringer (16 decks, 83rd most played)

Shauku is the first of these cards that is like, actually kickass. It’s kind of unfortunate that she’s been overshadowed somewhat by similar murder commanders, but she’s still the original. Not only that, but she exiles things too, which is honestly a pretty decent effect in the zone. Shame about that drawback, though, because you’d love to attack with your big flier. Oh well, guess you have to keep exiling things.

Oh right, 7 mana. Yeah ok fair enough moving on.

Spirit of the Night (16 decks, 82nd most played)

Spirit of the Night has the same number of decks as commander as Shauku, but I assume its slightly higher because more people are playing it in the 99? Either way, here’s your first Big Daddy Demon to ramp out. 9 mana, huh? It’s one of the first Keyword Soup cards, and it’s art is absolutely phenomenal- gotta be one of the genuinely scariest pieces of art from that era of Magic, maybe all eras- but it is kinda let down a bit by the statline. Legitimately, if this card had 1 more power (and therefore could 3HKO people with commander damage) it would see so much more play.

 Gallowbraid (5 decks, 106th most played, the bottom of the list)

This is the card I mentioned earlier, the lowest thing that EDHREC has deigned to put on its list. I can see why people wouldn’t want to run it, though. Not only is it basically a French vanilla creature, it also actively hurts you for playing it. No one likes cumulative upkeep, and I cannot imagine wanting it on your Commander. This thing isn’t worth the skin it’s made of, apparently.

 Morinfen (11 decks, 92nd most played)

It’s Gallowbraid but it traded the Trample and a point of toughness for Flying, making it substantially better and yet still completely useless. Next.

 Commander Greven il-Vec (4 decks, N/A)

I’m… actually surprised to see Greven below Gallowbraid, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the case a couple years ago. Don’t ask me why I remember these things. Considering, however, that his only real claim to fame is his story presence, and people who like him now have a better card with his face on it, I guess it isn’t much surprise his numbers would drop off a bit. He’s at least got some flavour, I guess, considering he’s apparently a very outlived-your-usefulness kinda leader, but that’s not going to make up for being yet another overpriced card with a downside and a mediocre evasive ability.

 Crovax the Cursed (7 decks, 97th most played)

Hey look, they spent an entire line of text on this guy making sure you know he’s a Vampire because Summon Legend Vampire was to complex a technology for 1998. Wait, 1998? I thought Stronghold was way older than that, huh. Regardless, like a bunch of these cards so far, Crovax pretty much just a dude, except he has to eat other dudes to stay relevant. Can’t relate, frankly.

 Cao Cao, Lord of Wei (33 decks, 66th most played)

Oh fuck, we left the Homelands zone and ended up in the Portal: 3 Kingdoms zone. For the unaware, P3K was the third “starter” set Magic released, this time targeted towards the Asian market- hence the whole set is a reference to the famous historical novel Romance of the Three Kingdoms.  Considering the book in question, a lot of these cards were probably real people at some point, which just makes me feel weird.

Anyway, Cao Cao is actually one of the more interesting ones. He’s the first Discard commander on this list so far, and tapping to Mind Rot is actually pretty solid. Cao Cao walked so Tinybones could run. He’s also one of the less expensive ones, owing to having been reprinted in From the Vault: Legends, but the price tag he commands is still comical for the card you’re getting. It’s fine.

 Cao Ren, Wei Commander (5 decks, 105th most played)

Oh horsemanship. Literally just flying but for the historical fiction set where things aren’t allowed to fly. Cao Ren is literally just a draft common, man. I’m not paying $200 to put a draft common in my deck.

 Sima Yi, Wei Field Marshal (5 decks, 104th most played)

Sigh. Wait, this might have been the biggest Human creature in Magic for a while, that it’s this random old strategist is kinda hilarious.

 Xiahou Dun, the One-Eyed (77 decks, 53rd most played)

Wait, this guy is the most played so far? Xiahou Dun? I mean, I know he was in the MTGO cube for a bit, but really?

Ok alright fine. He’s probably the least bad of the P3K commanders (at least in black) because he can replace himself with a card or just swing in, his stats aren’t completely unreasonable. But still, this is silly, there are some genuinely bonkers cards that are seeing less play than Xiahou. What am I missing here? I just don’t know.

 Xun Yu, Wei Advisor (2 decks, N/A)

I distinctly remember once looking at the total commanders on EDHREC with no decks. I don’t remember if I saw this guy. I do remember actually being able to see the bottom of the list, so what the hell man maybe I want to build Zuo Ci.

…someone has actually built Zuo Ci, now, huh. Anyway point is Xun Yu is both bad and boring so next.

 Zhang He, Wei General (3 decks, N/A)

…he’s better than Xun Yu, at least? He’s still a hundred-ish dollar bad card, but you know. Technically speaking, you could do worse.

 Zhang Liao, Hero of Hefei (1 deck, N/A)

While a lot of P3K cards are just reflavoured vanilla magic cards, in this case they decided to just take flying off Abyssal Specter and…not put Horsemanship back on it. Shoutout to the one guy apparently playing this deck, but I’ve got to ask why.

I don’t know if there even are any 0-deck commanders left at this point. I should look into that…

 Ascendant Evincar (34 decks, 65th most played)

Finally free of P3K, we’re closing off today with yet another meh card that has been overshadowed by newer ones, great. Shrinking your opponents stuff down one is a super good effect in limited, not so much in Commander- two, of course, is nuts, Elesh Norn is a very good card, but -1/-1 just isn’t worth your time most of the time. And you can’t even really abuse it on your own stuff. I guess he’s aight with Heartless Summoning? I’m really grasping at straws here!

 Okay, so, that’s the first 20. Sick. Now at this pace, I’ll be done after another….5 articles? Holy shit, I forgot how many bad magic cards WOTC has put out, didn’t I��

Next time (whenever I continue this series), we enter a substantially more interesting, if longer, zone- the Kamigawa Zone. Ta-ta for now.