#...because your relationship with a trans person will likely /not/ affect a trans stranger...

[tarotwithavi]

What first impression will your future lover have of you?

Let's find out what first impression would you leave on your future lover / future spouse / long term partner .

⚠ these pictures do not belong to me. This is a general reading so take what resonates and leave the rest that doesn't.

If you want to support me please leave a note.

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Thank you for your precious time! I hope you have a great day! ily ♡

PILE 1

Hello pile1, I'm really excited to interpret the cards you got! So first things first I'm getting that they will see you as someone who is not afraid to stand out of the crowd and do your own thing. Like you're not afraid to try new things . You are not afraid to dance without music, sing out loud, smile at strangers, do your little silly dance while eating something very delicious. I'm also getting that they'll see you as someone who can smile and laugh in stressful situations. You're someone who stands out of the crowd. You bring happiness wherever you go like sunshine or some of you might even be called by that nickname. They will see you as someone who has seen and experienced a lot of things in life. I'm also getting that you can meet them in an educational Institute or at someone's birthday party/ wedding/ etc. Of course these are not the only situations you can meet them but the one's I'm getting specifically. Also they'll see you as someone who has been through the same things as them , you both could mirror each other. They'll see you as someone who is emotionally mature and available. Someone who's not afraid of commitment. I'm getting that they'll see a mother/father figure in you because I see that they might have mommy or daddy issues or both idk. They'll see that you are not what you show the world. You could literally be crying on the inside but still have a smile on your face or vice versa. It's like they'll see right through you. They will see you as someone whom they'll like to settle down with or start a family with.

I'm also getting that if you're a closeted gay/lesbian/bi/trans they'll also see that because they have been in the same situations as you. They'll see that you're stuck somewhere and they'll help you out. This person can even be your gay awakening if you know what I'm saying. Leo / Aquarius / Taurus signs are really coming out here . Numbers 2,5,10 could be important for you. You'll see rainbows when you meet them or this could be important.

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PILE 2

Hello pile2, I feel like some of you might be attracted to pile 1 so make sure to check that out too. Okay so let's start with your reading. Your future lover will see you as someone who works for themselves. Someone who is not a slave of others and knows their worth. They'll see you as someone who won't settle down for anything less than what they desire. They'll see you as someone who is not affected by the words of others and always has their heads high. Someone who is very strong both physical and mentally. I'm getting that some of you can have curly hair/wavy hair or your hair will stand out the most to them. Someone who can offer a fulfilling relationship but they'll also see that you'll not be looking for a relationship at that time or it may seem like that to them. They'll see that you have abandonment issues and you don't want to be Left behind in the crowd. You fear that people will replace you with someone and that you're not anyone's first choice/priority, but that doesn't stop you or have any control over you. You shine for yourself. You're free like a bird and always put yourself first. They'll see you as someone who shines the brightest even when they are just sitting down reading a book or sitting in the corner with their headphones on. You'll be very noticeable to them. They'll see you as someone who is firm on their words and thoughts, if you decide to do something you'll do it nothing can change your mind. Another thing is that they'll notice your eyes first. You might have cried a moment before or they'll see a lot of sadness in them.

You might be rude to people or don't really interact with people because you fear that you'll unintentionally hurt them. But for some of you I'm getting that you guys will not just give your time and energy to people easily. If someone wants your time they'll have to work for it. Your future lover will find you very adorable and cute no matter if you will be younger or older than them. July month could be important for you. They could have K, V, U, A in their name.

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PILE 3

Hello pile 3 , how are you guys doing? I hope that you're doing great! Some of you might have been attracted to pile 2 too. For you I'm seeing that your future lover will see you as someone who is hungry for success or wants to achieve good things in life. Someone who is working hard for their passion. They will see you as someone who might struggle with choosing what's good for you or just not very in tune with your thoughts and actions. You might meet them on your way to achieving something , on your way to success or when you will be getting recognition for your work. They'll see you as someone who's very artistic . You might be listening to music, getting praised for your drawings/sketches etc. When they will notice you. They'll see you as someone who's very spontaneous and doesn't stop easily . For example if you have completed a task or work given to you , you'll find another one soon. You always try to keep yourself busy as if you're scared of your own mind. They'll see you as someone who's very popular or well known. Very attractive and charming too. They'll love the way you deal with people like not being rude but still proving your point? Something like that. They'll love your voice too. You might have a low pitched soothing voice. They'll think that you are their destiny. The person they have been waiting for. They'll see you as someone who is goal oriented. It might be a love at first sight for them.  You could even teach them a different language or your mother tongue. You might have a different cultural background. They'll see you as someone who has a lot of money, is very abundant and someone who comes from a rich and wealthy background. But also someone who needs to find balance in their life. Sometimes you might take up two works at a time or be involved in two different tasks, so that can be overwhelming for you. Also someone who goes from transformation or you will be going through a transformation when you meet them. Someone of power. White rabbits could be important here or they could give off the vibe of a bunny. Also white animals are very important here

Masterlist

[steddieunderdogfics]

This week’s writer spotlight feature is:  dartlekey! @dartlekey has 11 fics in the Stranger Things Fandom and 9 of them are in the Steddie tag!.

Our anonymous nominator recommends the following works by @dartlekey:

If you were church (I'd get on my knees)

RUSH! (T4T REMIX)

At a medium pace

With great power

"I read the "with great power" series not long after I got into the Steddie fandom and was instantly like "I need to raid this author's other fics" and subscribed to them. No regrets for that choice!!" -- Anonymous

Below the cut, @dartlekey answered some questions about their writing process and some of their recommended work!

Why do you write Steddie?

For me, Steddie hits that sweet spot of strong characterization but woefully underexplored details, both for the individual characters but also their dynamic with each other in canon. That makes their relationship the ideal writer's sandbox - since they're both so fluid, you can explore the characters through each other, showcasing many different and even conflicting facets of each other while still retaining their original characters and behaviors. Either of them can be rich or poor, famous or an everyguy, Gay or Bisexual, Dom or Sub, Top or Bottom, Trans in any direction - the details are up to you! 

What’s your favorite trope to READ?

I love a good slowburn friends-to-lovers fic. It needs to be a specific kind for me though - I'm not much one for prolonged pining, but I love it when the friendship is explored in such depth that the next step feels like an inevitability. Watching that deep platonic affection turn not-so-platonic, that's the good shit. 

What’s your favorite trope to WRITE?

My specialty as a writer, I think, is crack treated seriously, or crack with a twist. Usually the first question that sparks one of my fics is “If X happened, would that be hilarious or what?” and then the second is “But if it was because of Y, would that be fucked up or what?” I think you can see it best in If you were church I'd get on my knees (what if Steve was a stripper at Eddie's stag party BUT it was actually a social commentary on queerness and sexuality in the face of religious oppression), but it's in At a medium pace too (what if Eddie couldn't move his arms because of injury so Steve “has” to jerk him off, but it's actually about how growing up queer can warp your perspective on healthy sexuality) , or even in Don't look back (What if Eddie had to dom Steve for plot reasons, but it's all body horror and trauma and spiraling codependency). 

What’s your favorite Steddie fic?

I don’t think I could name one all-time favorite, because what I enjoy most about fanfic is that different writers bring different character interpretations, storytelling styles and plot ideas to the table, which I find incomparable. I have enjoyed many of the well-known classics, of course (pukner I owe you my life--), but let me use this chance to give a shout-out to some less well-known masterpieces! My top three underrated fics are Three Days on the Red Planet by CaptainHoney/@grandmastattoo on tumblr (retro scifi, gritty but humorous hopepunk, every single fic of theirs is a certified banger but I love this one the most for some reason!!), Love dirty men alike by wrenowich (chef au, an ode to kitchen culture in all its griminess, I love a detailed backstory plus Steddie being wonderfully weird about each other), and That’s just wasteland, baby! by fastcardotmp3 (post-s4 apocalypse survival, sweet and aching and tired and yet hopeful, made me cry in the best way). 

Is there a trope you’re excited to explore in a future work but haven’t yet?

One that's pretty unique to the steddie fandom, or perhaps general stranger things fandom, is “if canon event x had happened differently/hadn't happened at all/had happened to a different person, how would the rest of canon change?” I still need to work out a lot of details in my head, so that's all I'll say for now, but it's something I'm very interested in exploring.

What is your writing process like?

Much to the horror of fic writers everywhere, I don't do first drafts, I just write out everything in detail, scene by scene in chronological order. I edit as I go, and consider the many-numbered, often unplanned writing breaks an important part of my process - when I let the written portion sit for a while and the unwritten ideas percolate in my brain for a bit, I often end up with new plot points or solutions for problems I've been having! And when that inspiration strikes, I can write anywhere - on the train, during lunch break at work, in the vegetable aisle of the grocery store… I have gdocs on my phone and I use it liberally; I'd say I write at least 80% of any given fic on my phone. 

Do you have any writing quirks?

Apart from the hot mess I just described, I'd say it's that I never use Beta readers. I'll occasionally ask friends to help with specific details if I need an expert on certain subject matter, but I've found I get very grumpy and fussy if someone pokes at my plot (even if or rather especially if they’re right lol), and I don't want to subject anyone to that. 

Do you prefer posting when you’ve finished writing or on a schedule?

For oneshots or series comprised of single-chapter fics I like posting as soon as I'm done, but for multi-chapter works I've recently found that starting to post only after I've finished most (if not all) chapters beforehand improves the quality of the story! Since I tend to integrate new ideas or shift around plot points a lot while writing, I often end up in completely different places than my original concept, so if an early chapter isn't posted yet I can retroactively edit it to add foreshadowing or tone-match the end of the work, remove loose threads and suchlike. Don't look back is a good example of how this has worked out for me; comparatively It don't bite (Yes it do) - which I wrote and posted chapter by chapter - is tonally all over the place. 

Which fic are you most proud of?

Naturally I love all my babies, but I consider Don't look back my magnum opus - both because it is the longest fic I've ever written (13 chapters and 90.000 words in total, that's practically a novel!) and because it's the most plot-rich, labor-intensive, and overall serious in tone. I even worked in subplots about the rest of the cast, so it almost reads like its own season. I wrote it for last year's Steddie Bigbang, which means there's also a gorgeous accompanying artwork by @the-chilly-kat. 

How did you get the idea for With great power?

At the time I'd seen a few marvel AUs floating past me on the tumblr timeline, usually with Steve as Spiderman and Eddie as the human component of Venom, and having just recently seen the Venom movie depicting the rich relationship between Eddie Brock and the symbiote, it surprised me that most left the symbiote as its own character, and not substituted one of the ST main cast. The symbiotic relationship of Stobin immediately came to mind, though I also still loved the idea of Steve as Spidey - then I remembered that in the Toby McGuire movies, the two are not mutually exclusive, and it all spiraled from there. Eddie as Deadpool just made sense - immortal wild-card with a dubious moral code but a heart of gold? Obviously! Plus Spideypool is, of course, a classic ship. 

When writing With great power, what was something you didn’t expect?

I actually got several curious comments about the sex toy Steve uses in Because the night - a grindable or grinder, which is a flat-ish silicone structure, usually ribbed in an interesting way, that one can grind against to get off (as the name suggests). I thought it was pretty common, but apparently it's not very well known!

What inspired  RUSH! (T4T REMIX)?

Oh, it's my time to gush! Because the idea for the first work actually came about from a late night conversation I had with the beautiful, amazing, wonderful @maikaartwork, back when we were, how should I say, in the courting stage? Seeing as we met through the Steddie fandom, I decided to write Baby Said basically to seduce them - and I am happy to say it worked, as we've been dating for over eight months now and are planning to move in together next year! Both works from RUSH! - T4T REMIX (and the secret new WIP, shh) are thus somewhat inspired by our conversations and our t4t relationship, but also by the many interesting and different trans people I've met over the years, and trans solidarity and relationships in general.

What was your favorite part to write from At a medium pace?

The small-talk in between position changes - no, really! I love a mindless marathon-fuck story as much as the next person, but there's something very sweet and intimate about those little breaks in sex, the pass the lube, move your leg a bit, what's for dinner later of it all. That's where you see that emotional connection - there's no admission of crushes or big love confessions in this fic because it's right there in the details.

How do/did you feel writing RUSH! (T4T REMIX)?

Honestly, it's just really really fun and self-indulgent. The Steddie dynamic in it is so bitchy, all the bickering makes me laugh even as I'm writing it. It's also just really fun to write about the trans experience in a way that is curious and loving, and reflects all the very different and yet similar ways people experience living in a body that defies expectation. I've loved all my fellow trans people sounding off in the comments about their own transition experiences, it's wonderful to have such a fantastic community!

What was the most difficult part of writing If you were church (I'd get on my knees)?

Curiously enough, not the many religious trauma bits! Much like Eddie in the fic, I'm only church-freak adjacent - I grew up in a non-religious household but with extended family that were extremely catholic, so the odd juxtaposition of being occasionally close to but definitely not involved in what is pretty much cult behavior inspired much of this fic. The most functionally difficult part to write was actually the wedding - as an aro-spec & trans relationship anarchist, church weddings have never been relevant to me, so I had very little idea what actually goes into one! Very little of the research I conducted on the topic actually made it into the fic, but hey, the more you know. 

Do you have a favorite scene and/or line from any of your fics?

People keep asking me that, and I never know what to answer! If I had to pick one, though, maybe the last few paragraphs of Don't look back - where you can see the tragedy coming, but there's no way of stopping it, because it was always going to end this way. And then Eddie's last words before the end of the fic call back to the title as well as the general theme of the fic - it just all comes together for such a crescendo of an ending. 

Do you have any upcoming projects or fics you’d like to share/promote?

Yes, actually! Coming soon in the SteddieBang'24, me and my lovely artist @hawkinsleather have been working hard on a 20k post-s4 fic called A glimpse of your canvas, which is about closeted transfemme!Eddie, women's solidarity, and Steve's very confusing no-good trip to the gay bar. Both With great power and RUSH! (T4T REMIX) have another WIP pending which I'll eventually finish (I promise, I'm just easily distracted!!), and for those who are still mad about Don't look back’s open ending, I'm almost done with the sequel, which features a lot of bad decisions by all characters involved, the healing power of community, and a bit of accidental child acquisition. 

Outside of these questions, Is there anything YOU would like to add?

Given the chance of this platform, I would like to notify my readers that I'm a terrible procrastinator when it comes to replying to comments, but I read and cherish every one of them - and repeat commenters, I see you, I love you, I am chewing on your arm like a dog with a bone!! I would also like to thank the steddie fandom in general for giving me the hottest partner known to man or God, and for the many friendships I've been so fortunate to build here. Talk about transformative works, am I right? <3 

Thank you to our author, @dartlekey, and our anonymous nominator! See more of dartlekey's works featured on our page throughout the day!

Writer’s Spotlight is every Wednesday! Want to nominate an author? You can nominate them here!

[demonir]

dude now I'm just sitting here staring at a wall thinking abt how fucked up being lgbt is...

Don't get me wrong I'm happier knowing who I am and I shudder to think what would be of me if I had never found out, there's so many queer people out there that will welcome you with open arms and guide you through or just simply offer you a shoulder to cry on and that's wonderful I love that and we need more of that

But then there's the rest of the people, the assholes that want you dead just for existing, the ones that are less vocally hateful and might tolerate being in a room with you but should you need anything they'd rather let you starve than approach, the "I support you but" people that say are open minded and supportive but the moment you cross some invisible line of theirs you are no longer "one of the good ones" and must be dealt with.

We've all seen these people, they might be strangers, coworkers, acquaintances, friends, family and even our partners and their words and actions hurt like knives. But a lot of us have learned that we shouldn't waste our time with them if we can avoid it, turn around, block them, leave the room, move out of the house if you can, we can do these things

But what happens when the hatred is coming from inside the community itself? I cannot begin to tell you how soul breaking it is for me when I see discourse like "LGBT without the T!" or "Asexuality doesn't belong in the LGBT" or "If you're bi but in a straight relationship then you're a liar/traitor" or "If you don't pass as your gender then you're not truly trans" and these are just some off the top of my head, there are so many more and even if they don't personally affect me it still hurts me to see it so much.

You're not making the community nicer or safer by dictating how someone should exist, there are no "traitors" there are no "liars" there are no "pretenders" everyone is just trying to live their life while staying true to themselves but everyone around them is constantly telling them they are wrong for it, not gonna lie to you I'm sometimes afraid that I'll get someone telling me I'm not truly nonbinary because I'm not androgynous or use they/them and I'm easily perceived as a woman, I get afraid I'll be told that what I'm doing is just a phase by other queer people despite the fact that I've been trans since I was 14 and it took me all those years to be able to come to terms with the fact that yes I love dresses, yes I like makeup, yes I'm fine with she/her pronouns, yes I sometimes find it endearing to be called a girl, but no I am not a woman and I'll never be.

But guess what? being afab carries this weird notion that I am somehow harmless or at least less of an issue than lets see uhh oh yeah amab trans people! trans women get labeled predators, groomers and a danger to everyone around them so often and the punishment for not passing as their desired gender is far greater than anything I've ever personally received. People have let these notions about birth genders and sexualities carry on to their trans views in macabre and harmful ways. You want to be wary of men? sure, there's an extensive history of issues that make your fears rational and justified... but why are you pointing your finger at a trans woman? Because she has stubble or a beard? no long hair? doesn't like dresses? doesn't want hrt or surgeries of any kind? has a deep voice? because she has "male interests"? do you not realize how harmful that is?

That's not to say trans men don't get a similar treatment, but I don't see them being labeled as dangerous and violent even half as much as trans women do, it's this notion that being born with a penis somehow makes you vile or something???? unless you prove to us how innocent and righteous you are by looking exactly how I want you to, staying 5 meters away from me and never displaying any sort of sexual attraction towards anyone ever otherwise I am calling the police on you

That's bogus nonsense and I'm absolutely tired of it, stop carrying societies old and nasty views of gender and sexuality into this community that is about supporting and uplifting people no matter how they want to be, and while we're at it someone's presentation and physical appearance isn't indicative of their morality

I wish every trans woman on tumblr right now that feels afraid to speak up about the current situation or even just their life experiences as a trans person a very very happy rest of their lives, and I wish every trans woman who IS speaking up about stuff a very happy rest of their lives as well

Again just so we're clear, I'm nonbinary and afab she/he he/she whatever order so I should in theory not be the target to any uhh "mysterious" blog bans and stuff, however if my blog dies after this post know that I did not do it myself.

Stand up for trans women always and forever, we are all fighting together and there is no glory in hurting each other

[coff-in]

I fought with my ex partner (we’re (or, we were) friends) just because I like the game so I’m just going to request the first thing that comes to your mind

notes from coff-in: aw man, i'm sorry to hear that 'nonnie :( i'm not all that good at comforting strangers but i hope that you're able to enjoy the game still. this is jsut me rambling about my oc, i hope it makes you feel a little bit better or entertained

rambling, oc talk (amy "mimi" graves)

i've been mostly thinking about my oc amy lately. her relationship with nina is supposed to have made a big impact on her that persists after her death. nina was supposed to be her first friends outside of her siblings, a relationship that she would have to herself, you know? a more platonic (possible one-sided romantic) relationship rather than a familial one.

the romantic thing is something i've been focusing on too. mimi forms... really strong attachments to people. or maybe she just really liked nina, and it made nina's death disappearance more impactful to her. leyley's manipulation didn't help either since she told mimi that nina left because of her or something she did (though the reasoning was vague), mimi took it to heart and sort of internalized it.

nina and mimi's relationship wasn't the best because it was a friendship of convenience. they were both using each other for their own goals that weren't friendship or companionship (mimi was seeking it out, but she mostly just wanted to be able to have an outside life from andy and leyley [so she wouldn't feel like she was burdening them so even her outside life was for them] while nina was using mimi to get brownie points for andy's affection). i keep flip flopping their relationship in my head. i like the idea that over time, mimi and nina's relationship became something genuine and possibly sapphic (at least on mimi's side) and nina not reciprocating this feeling would cause mimi to close up and become more inward, i guess. on the other hand, i don't see nina hanging out with mimi any more than what she needed to in order to look good to andy. i'm pretty sure nina was older than leyley (she responds to leyley's plan of hide and seek with "you're such a kid" or something along those lines, which wouldn't make too much sense if her and leyley were the same age).

and since nina was mimi's main/only close friend outside of andy and leyley, the rest of mimi's social life kinda collapses after that. especially since mimi is associated with leyley, no one really wants to hang out with her either (i think her trans/queerness could also play a role in her isolation too, depending if you want to see the game's world as someplace harsh and cruel**). nina's disappearance affected mimi's grades, her mood and personality, and her self-image. what did she do so wrong that nina would just leave? what if she did it again? what she too much? was she too little? it would cause her to detach herself from having a social life... why bother if you're going to fuck up and they leave? it's better to just stay to yourself. if she needs to talk to someone she has andy and leyley to talk to (and even then, they could also leave her. they just can't because they're siblings and currently aren't old enough to move out. but they could. if her own parents don't love her then what's stopping her siblings from not loving her too?)

mimi and amy should feel different, even if it's subtle. nemlei is a remarkably great writer so it's a little hard trying to, uh, replicate her level of writing or depth in her characters. one difference in my head is that mimi likes having affection given to her ("i like hanging out with you" or "you're my best friend") while amy shies away from it (brushing it off or trying to deflect the complements to someone/thing else). having people tell amy that they like freaks her out so much that she screams and yells at them to take it back, to tell her that they think she's alright or the fucking worst or else she won't calm down. she doesn't want a repeat incident like nina again. she doesn't want to get so attached to someone that it'll hurt her when they inevitably leave. it's why she makes herself quiet and small (though she's naturally short), and by small i mean her presence. she doesn't have a lot of her own stuff and anything she has it kept tidy in a box somewhere under a bed or in a closet. her clothes are borrowed or handed down, they're in some sense not hers (even though they may belong to her currently).

i think of a scenario where andrew and ashley try to admit to amy that they like hanging out with her, that they don't want to leave her alone so they can live their own lives or whatever delusion amy tells herself is real. they love her. and she panics. she says "that's nice... thanks" or "if you say so" or maybe a "whatever you say, big bro/sis". the more persistent they are about it, the more aggressive amy gets until she's telling them to "shut up! shut up, shut up, shut up!" or "no! take it back, take it back!!" or even maybe "liar!!" she doesn't like it. how genuine they sound, the gentle looks they're giving her, the honesty in their voice. it's not real... it can't be real because if it is then it'll be more painful when they do leave. she's crying and sobbing as they hold her in their arms, "you can't do that! you can't do this to me..."

"you can't hurt me again... i can't... i can't..."

or you know, something like that. sorry if it doesn't make sense.

** i think queerphobia wouldn't be an uncommon thing to come across in the world of tcoaal, however i don't know if it would be so prevalent in elementary/middle school... i guess it could be since children tend to echo some bigotry that they hear from adults or others ("that's gay!" "you punch like a girl" said as something negative, etc etc)

----

coff-in

[cazort]

I find it very weird how so many people on Tumblr nowadays are like "age in bio or I block you" and it makes me wonder if these people have any experience living as an adult in the real world. These people never explain the rationale behind their demands.

Like 99% of the places I go it would be considered rude, socially awkward, and sometimes even creepy to ask another person their age, especially an adult. People can be touchy about age for a variety of reasons, most of which come down to some type of discrimination or bias which can go both for being old or being young.

Businesses or other organizations with legal cutoffs for age or other valid reasons to know a person's age will do so discreetly and only when needed. Most of the time the business doesn't even know or record the person's age, they just want to check whether or not it is over some sort of legal limit, like 21 for purchasing alcohol or 18 for a lot of other things, or older or younger cutoffs for a few other things. (Related: I'm fine with people saying their blog is for 18+ and they are 18+, or similarly, if minors say they don't want to interact with people 18+. There are good reasons for people posting about certain topics to want such restrictions and that's not what this post is about!)

Age can also be a sensitive topic for trans and gender-nonconforming people. We trans people often have a more complex relationship to age, especially people who pursue HRT but even those who don't, often experience a "second puberty" where we go through changes including both physical changes and social / mental / lifestyle changes that involve exploring various aspects of life and gender-expression, and we often do this a lot later for the gender we identify as, than our cis counterparts do. Gender also affects how people see us, like I notice that people often think I am younger than I am because of "feminine" presentation choices that I make, and this is less likely when I present more masculinely (such as if I don't shave my face), and I've noticed that people with more strongly pronounced sex characteristics (like facial hair, a deep voice, or a curvy build with big breasts and hips) are often seen as older than they are, especially in their younger years, whereas people with more androgynous builds and features are more likely to be read as younger. I've repeatedly had people tell me I'm lying about my age when I am being 100% honest, so it's like, displaying my age sometimes opens me up to negativity and harassment from people who think I'm lying. So again, all of this can be sensitive for us trans and GNC people, so demanding ages is likely to bring up more sense of weirdness and conflict for trans people, especially since a lot of us have people read our ages very wrong, just based on how we look, and because also people can judge us for "age inappropriate" behaviors as adults, which interacts with how we trans people are often viewed as "creepy". So demanding ages in bios is going to be harder on trans people and thus comes across as somewhat anti-trans and cisnormative, especially when it comes from cis people who show no understanding of trans people's issues. And I've noticed these are most of the people demanding ages in bios.

There are also other reasons not to want to share your age. People under 18, or even younger (or much older) people who are over 18, also might not want to advertise their age because it might attract predatory behavior or other unwanted attention. Younger and elderly people alike are often targetted with scams. And in general, age is yet one more potentially valuable piece of personal data that scammers are interested in collecting so it's not a good idea to just put it out in plain view on the internet for any stranger to be able to see and collect.

Demanding ages in bios is also totally unnecessary and doesn't seem to have any benefits. Tumblr already has built-in measures for marking content and/or blogs as NSFW. Anyone can lie about their age so demanding people put ages in their bio does nothing and may even create a false sense of security surrounding interactions where a person's age is relevant.

Also, so many people will update their bio once and then never change it. Like one person I follow, whose blog is very active, has had the same age listed in their bio for like 7 years, so the figures shown are often wrong just out of sheer negligence. And this is okay, like I'm not gonna run around policing people like "You have to update your blog bio or I'm gonna unfollow you!" what kind of uptight authoritarian bullshit would that be?

And like what are people even expecting to accomplish with this sort of demand? I just don't get it.

Here's how I think about ages in bio:

I don't care whether or not you put it there.

If I don't know you, I'm gonna take whatever number you put there with a grain of salt because I know you could be deliberately lying, or just never updating your bio.

Even if I trust your listed age is accurate, I don't really want to think about it very much. Ageism is a thing and people can have biases both against younger and against older people. I want to see everyone the way they are, not based on my preconceived notions about them. Things like maturity, wisdom, naivety, immaturity, experience or inexperience, will speak for themselves and manifest in different ways, and I want to focus on who you are and what you say and do, not some number that gives me an impression of how you "should" think at your age. If you have the maturity of a middle-schooler, I don't care if you're 55 I'm not gonna give your perspective special treatment. If you have something intelligent to say or some deep insight, and the idea speaks for itself, I'm gonna listen to you no matter how young (or old) you are.

If you demand ages in bios it makes me conclude you are probably not someone who is safe for me to interact with, even if you theoretically would want to interact with me (which you probably don't because I have never put my age in my bio.) As someone who has experienced sometimes severe ageism both for people judging me for being too young, or too old, in certain situations, it tells me you are out-of-touch with IRL social norms and are willing to impose new norms that 99% of people would find rude, and that you're probably the kind of person who would make negative or untruthful snap judgments about me for all sorts of reasons, probably not just age, and therefore that I don't want to interact with.

So yeah. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.s

[rotationalsymmetry]

Im mostly going to drop this because not all ridiculous arguments are worth engaging with. But hey. One more ridiculous argument for the road.

"It's like if someone wanted to come up with a white equivalent of transmisogynoir."

Ok, but "white woman" in a white dominant society (ie most of the people in power are white, there's a cultural history of presenting non-white people as less competent, safe, worthy of protection etc) literally means "a woman who is in the most privileged/societally default position possible in regards to race"

"Trans masc" does not mean "trans person who meets society's expectation of a normal, default trans person" or "trans person who is the most privileged sort of trans person."

Because, sure, cis men are privileged relative to cis women. (Which doesn't mean cis men have no issues special to men. Obviously they do. Men have shorter lives than women ffs. And men with other things going on -- men of color, disabled men, poor men, men with ADHD specifically, etc -- have stuff going on with that that are not automatically the same as or strictly less bad than stuff going on with women in the same situation.) But. Being trans...can't be separated from gender. A trans masc is generally speaking someone who used to move through the world as a woman, and for some trans mascs (like you know, me) still does.

And it's fucking wild to be told "oh, the second you decided your gender wasn't strictly uncomplicatedly just a woman, you became just as privileged as a cis man." That's got nothing to do with reality.

And I mean, I think there's room for nuance there. I think there's room for going huh, maybe I was resistant to some self image stuff that people who uncomplicatedly identify as a woman get. That's pretty cool! But it's not going to affect like my income. Or whether I got my ass squeezed by a stranger walking home from work that one time. Or whether I got sexually assaulted by my first boyfriend. Or whether I had extra medical needs in my late 20's due to a series of abnormal Pap smears. Or whether an ability to get pregnant has very much affected my relationship to sex. Etc etc.

And again, yeah, in some ways it would make more sense to call both things transmisogyny! But I don't think the people who hate the term transmisandry would actually be any happier about that.

As far as I can tell, what they actually want is a nice clean model of reality where they can always tell which group has more privilege than which other group. (So that they can always "elevate the more marginalized voices" and I guess just not ever listen to the people they've pre-decided are more privileged?) Which is...not a good understanding of privilege. And is really bad for people's ability to admit they have more to learn.

As a side note, if you were going to do some sort of riff on misogynoir, it would make more sense to go with black men than white women. But there's a whole history there that I don't actually know enough about to start expounding on, you know? I just see pieces. Black men being seen as dangerous in a way that consistently puts them in danger, and which is very much tied up with the prison industrial complex, and how that in turn also hurts black women, who tend to be stuck with all the childcare and none of the financial support, and with providing all the emotional support for a partner or son or brother or father who's been deliberately isolated from his community. And white feminist circles in the 70's being sure that they didn't have to worry about black women because something about "matriarchy" and black women having a lot of relative power within black communities? I think in retrospect it was just blatant "ugh we don't want to have to care about you at all."

I wonder how many people throwing around misogynoir as a comparison even understand what it means or whether they think it means "black women have strictly worse issues than white women" like, the whole point is that if your misogyny model of the world is based exclusively on white women's data, you're going to be missing stuff.

The point is, listen to more people.

Don't ever assume you know what someone else's issues are. Don't ever assume you're done understanding how the world works.

Anyways, in Meyers-Briggs terms I'm a Perciever if you couldn't tell, and I realize settling into models of the world is important at some point to do things. "There is a strict hierarchy of privilege and marginalization, and it's this:" is the wrong model. "Different people have different issues, there are certain patterns of some people's issues getting ignored more than other issues, it's good to look around for ways to counter that and also if marginalized people work together we're more likely to get what we want" is a good model. I like grounding it in class, that thing that US Americans hate talking about but which explains so much, but I don't think people strictly have to do that especially when they're putting anti-capitalism in the center of the wheel in its place. And for me there also a very strong "people forcing other people to do things is bad, more freedom/autonomy is better" and I don't actually know how you can even come to the conclusion that trans people -- that self-identification -- is a real thing without that.

This privilege/marginalization stuff doesn't exist so people can get "most oppressed" prizes. It exists as a conceptual tool to help us get things we want in the real world. Doctors who use our pronouns, and who know how to recognize medical conditions showing up on dark skin and who don't reflexively dismiss women's health complaints or assume black people don't feel pain as badly. Anti-discrimination laws. Trans women who get arrested getting to be in women's prisons and not men's prisons. (I mean, better to not have prisons at all, but one step at a time.) Higher minimum wage or UBI or both. In the US, student loan forgiveness, free higher education going forwards, and universal health care. Neighborhoods where you don't have to drive to get to the nearest grocery store or hardware store. Disability payments where you can save money or get married without losing your only source of income. A world where non-standard pronouns are normalized and kids grow up knowing they don't have to stick with the gender their parents told them they were. A world where people can walk down the street with any gender presentation holding hands with anyone of any gender presentation and not be in danger. A world where black people and disabled people don't have to worry they'll be shot dead just for existing in public, a world where black people and disabled people can thrive and life full long lives surrounded by a community that values our lives. A world where trans people of any age can get appropriate health care without obnoxious, hostile laws interfering, a world where people who want kids can have them and those who don't have easy access to birth control and abortion.

It's not about being right on the internet. It's about a world that's good to live in. And our main enemies aren't people who are marginalized in slightly different ways or people whose understanding of which groups are most marginalized are slightly different. Our enemies are people who hate all trans people, who hate all queer people, who want white people to be in charge and people of color to be subordinated or possibly be somewhere else entirely or dead. That doesn't mean we can't have our disagreements, some intracommunity conflict is normal and healthy and frankly inevitable. But...we should be seeing it as conflict, as disagreement, between people who are basically on the same side, not do the things terfs do and go "oh, wow, these other women are the main problem, no we can't possibly ally against the enforcers of patriarchy, here's the real enemy."

[lillified]

Hello! I hope you don't mind this, but I've been trying to better understand He/Him lesbianism, but google isn't very helpful and I've heard a lot of explanations and I wanted to hear your side of it since your Megatron seems to align with that? Your explanations tend to make more sense to my neurodivergent brain 😅

-Bi lady trying to better understand the peeps around her ❤

I mean, I’m probably not the best person to explain this and you’re probably better off asking someone who is one, since everybody’s reasoning and experience is different. I’ll try to give a basic overview to get you started, but I really can’t claim to speak to everyone, if even very many, people’s experience:

The basic principle is that pronouns are social arbitrage and are indicative of how other people in society perceive you, but they are limited to describe the scope of gender experience. you may not be a man, but still identify strongly with masculinity and “benefit” from some of the social consequences of presenting and performing masculinity—or, in many cases, the rigid expectation of femininity is just way too narrow and suppressive. The tragic fact is there really isn’t a lot of precedent or understanding for women who aren’t feminine or perform feminine roles, and those expectations are so ingrained that they infect the core of people’s expectations of womanhood. I’ve heard butches describe that sometimes it’s just easier to use masculine identifiers because it helps people understand, which is something I’ve experienced to a lesser degree (even now as I’ve become less ambivalent with my gender I still frequently call myself “guy” and “man” and similar things).

All that being said, presenting socially as masculine doesn’t necessarily change who you are, or how you experience the world. Butchness is very performative and masculine, but deep down most butches have a connection to women and femininity that is extremely strong. Womanhood is an isolating and often dangerous experience, and, historically, lesbianism isn’t JUST about relationships, but the effort of women to find protection and support from sexism, oppression and violence within themselves. Being butch, even to the point that you “pass” and don’t experience as much targeting for being feminine, doesn’t erase your connection and experience with the feminine, and with womanhood. Whether you are cis or trans, your experience of the world and your treatment at the hands of other people has, and probably will always be, affected by that overarching social expectation, and often detriment, of womanhood.

Being butch is a personal celebration of the fluidity of one’s gender and the performance of masculinity, but just because it rejects the appearance of the feminine, that doesn’t mean it dislikes or “rejects” femininity. This is something I’ve struggled to reconcile for myself, but it feels demonstrably true. Your physicality, appearance, and social role may appear masculine, but manhood is more than just short hair and pants, just like womanhood is more than long hair and dresses. They’re simple blanket statements intended to describe a range of human experience that is extremely vast, both socially and biologically. Your pronouns can describe you to strangers and peers, but they don’t always represent your experience and reality, and that’s where you get he/him lesbians, who are masculine in performance, but feel a connection and allegiance to womanhood that is far deeper than someone who identifies as a man might.

that being said in Megatron’s case (can’t believe we got here from a transformers question), while I use he/him pronouns for him, they aren’t his only ones, nor are they even the ones I’d say he’d choose. I see him as ambivalent, and a performer; he presents a very exaggerated, masculine persona to hold power and communicate strength, so masculinity is something others see and expect from him. In a situation where power games weren’t mandatory, I could honestly see him preferring other pronouns. I guess that does kind of tie in with what I described, lol.

Anyway, I hope this helped, at least a little bit! I got kinda rambly there, apologies. I feel like the nightmare scenario of guy whose interests include gender study nonsense and transformers. once again, I am just one person and I’m definitely not the best qualified, so please seek out other material if you’re confused, and remember that everybody’s relationship with gender is completely different!

[denjis-chainsaws]

°•●~| Chainsaw Man |~●•°

Character(s): Denji, mentions of Power and Aki Hayakawa

Genre: Headcanons, relationship, fluff

Reader: Male Reader (masc. pronouns and nouns, trans-inclusive), second person (you, your, yours), maybe a little dense pre-relationship?

Extra Notes: As per usual in every fandom I have seen very little male reader content, especially for Denji. If no one else will give him a boyfriend, then I'll write it myself. Also, no real idea for a time frame, this just generally takes place during Part 1, though certain bits can be applied to Part 2.

《 || - - - - - - - - || 》

Denji isn't a stranger to having feelings for someone, that boy falls for anyone who shows him a crumb of kindness. But he isn't used to falling for another boy. He's not opposed to it, it's just very new to him like most other relationship-type things.

So then in comes you to sweep him off his feet. Metaphorically or literally! Either way he is absolutely enamored with you. From your looks to how you carry yourself to the way you speak, everything about you renders him speechless.

At first he panics. He was raised by himself out in a cabin in the wilderness for most of his life, he doesn't have the foggiest clue about social norms and the like. By the time he's brought to Tokyo and is able to read manga and magazines, the only thing he's seen are relationships between men and women. The only time he's ever felt attraction up to that point was towards women. He didn't know if feeling this way about another boy was normal.

It causes him such distress and inner turmoil that it affects his patrols with Power and Aki. Power isn't much help since she has as similar a grasp of social norms as Denji. Aki, on the other hand, tells him quite bluntly that it's fine and shouldn't be causing him this much strife. After that his feelings towards you just kinda click, "Oh... Cool."

Once it sinks in, he's very obvious about his feelings. Everyone can read him like a book, it's embarrassing. Yet somehow it seems all of that has gone over your head, leaving you oblivious to his pining. It takes him asking you out directly to realize his feelings may extend past friendship.

Denji is a simple man that enjoys simple things, so simple dates are up his alley. Walking around the streets in the evening, going to a theater to watch a movie, or grabbing some good grub from a nearby food cart or truck. It would be his treat like a real gentleman, if he had any money to speak of. Though he promises to pay you back! Someday!

You teach him the intricacies of relationships. Largely of how they're take AND give. Many of the women Denji has chased after in the past were always taking and taking, and rarely ever giving if at all. Maybe he isn't feeling that way because he's dating a boy... Are men really that different from women in relationships? Denji doesn't know, and ultimately he doesn't care. He's happy to have a significant other who loves and cares for him as a real person.

Denji has no sense of personal space and is always clinging to you. He loves PDA and is incredibly shameless to boot. If you're walking around somewhere, he's holding your hand. Sitting somewhere to wait for a bus or just to relax, he's squeezed up tight against you and wrapping an arm around you no matter if you're smaller or bigger than him. Hell, at one point he begs you to try that cliche trope of using two straws to drink from the same shake or smoothie together. He saw it in a manga and thought it was pretty cute, so it had to be just as cute to try it in real life, no?

If you're not comfortable with the amount of physical affection Denji provides, you don't have to be afraid to speak up about it. Denji is crass and uncultured, but he's not that uncivilized. He is still getting used to everything, but above all else he wants to make sure his boyfriend is happy and comfortable, so he'll learn to tone down the clinginess if that's what makes you feel better.

You, on the flipside, learn more of his quirks. He loves praise and reassurance. All of this new stuff he's learning can be very intimidating, and as much as Denji can put on a face and handle it, he does doubt himself a lot. A simple pat on the back and words of "Good job!" can go a long way for him.

If you like to cook, Denji devours anything you make for him. Doesn't matter if you're a beginner or a five-star chef, he loves everything you make. His only request is to avoid any kind of coffee or tea, he's not too fond of the "mud" and "leaf" water.

At the end of the day, whether you're staying at Aki's his place or yours, his favorite thing to do with you is unwind in bed together. You could read him a book, he loves your voice and all the fancy words you read aloud. Maybe you have a TV in your room, you could watch one of those late night auction programs and laugh at the people who waste such exorbante amounts of money on mundane things with pretty names attached. Or if you still have the energy to spare, maybe you could let Denji rest his head on your lap and run your fingers through his hair. He loves it when you do that. He loves it whenever he can be close to you and will snuggle up to you at the earliest opportunity. He's so used to holding Pochita in his sleep, and has been using an extra pillow as a subpar replacement ever since Pochita gave him his heart. Now he doesn't need the pillow so long as he has you.

[whumpy-wyrms]

mundane and rot for the ask game :3

(from this ask game)

34. MUNDANE - Would you survive in the shoes of your main character?

I THINK ABOUT THIS A NORMAL AMOUNT (all the time) SO. would i survive if i was Dew… short answer: yes i’d basically become best friends with Anton right away because i’m insane.

long answer:

it depends on whether i Knew Anton beforehand or not (about to say the most unhinged shit and expose myself but idc), but either way, if i got kidnapped by a mad scientist who used me as a test subject but actually tried to be Nice to me and GAVE ME FREE TOP SURGERY AND WINGS… I DON’T THINK I WOULD WANT TO LEAVE. THINK ABOUT IT. if there was an autistic trans mad scientist who was best friends with a talking mouse and could give me wings i think i would choose to stay in sci-fi world instead of living on my own working at mcdonald’s and struggling to pay rent (that’s metaphorical, i don’t do that stuff (yet unfortunately)).

and i wouldn’t even be trapped there against my will for long either. i would literally Not last long as Anton’s test subject because the second we become friends and trust each other, he’ll just feel bad about hurting me and literally let me do whatever i want. we’d team up and become unstoppable. i would be free to do my own thing but like, still hang out with him obviously and i’d show him the beauty in the world and change his mind about the whole,, torturing innocent people thing. basically i can fix him. that’s what im saying here.

also not to spoil but Anton’s the type of guy where like, the second he’d form a genuine human relationship with someone, he’d just abandon the whole “kidnapping and (unethical) experimenting on unwilling human test subjects” thing. because there’d be no real point anymore. yeah, science makes him happy but so does having a best friend! and he’d still be a silly mad scientist!! but ethical!! mostly!! we’d team up, abandon the whole immortality thing because it’s stupid, and go hunt down Pierce and kill him!! it would just be fun.

if i was Dew, i would literally scrap trying to escape and instead focus on becoming friends with Anton because that Would Be one of the best outcomes. so yea :3 i may be weird but at least im honest about it (honestly though, i daydream about being friends with all my ocs :( they’re just so cool and we would get along so well. im normal. ignore me). this got long and rambly oops

OH YEAH about if i Knew Anton beforehand or not, like if it was a situation where the Present Me right now, like the person who is typing this and Knows everything about Anton because i created him, then that’d def affect things because i’d have access to all my prior knowledge about his character and backstory. it’d def make things faster and easier because like, i’d know who he is and what he’s capable of, and he wouldn’t be a complete stranger. but if i DIDN’T know Anton and if he was literally a stranger to me and not my oc, then it’d be scary at first but it’d still turn out the same.

i mean you guys don’t understand how deep this goes. before Dew existed, the daydreams i had with the unnamed scientist whumper (Anton) were all just,, Me as his test subject whumpee. i was Dew before Dew was Dew. OBVIOUSLY HE’S NOT A SELF INSERT ANY! MORE! HE’S HIS OWN COMPLEX FLESHED OUT CHARACTER COMPLETELY SEPARATE FROM ME! but that’s just how all my whump scenario daydreams started, and then i got attached and had to make characters and stuff.

i am rambling so much rn ANYWAY! yeah. this was a fun question that definitely won’t make people think i’m any more weirder than i already am (im not rereading all that so if there’s typos ignore them <3)

39. ROT - Which of your OCs is the best villain?

this is a hard one i think,, like out of the tllr ocs the actual villain of the story would be Pierce (not rlly a spoiler because it’s pretty obvious i think) but he’s not the BEST villain because i hate his guts (but he’s like Actually evil and terrifying and thinking about him makes me Afraid and filled with despair).

is Anton really a villain? yeah. but i guess i see his character differently than u guys because i know his character development later on in the story, and i know his entire backstory too. so that def chances my perception of him compared to how everyone else views him i think? maybe? idk

[violentviolette]

Hello, I was wondering if I could have a second opinion on something. I don't believe you have watched "Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" but I wanted your opinion on Leonardo possibly having ASPD. I apologize in advance if 'diagnosing' a character seems stereotypical and/or offensive, it isn't my intention and I don't believe he does have ASPD (he seems more ADHD/Autism coded than anything else) but wanted an opinion on the symptoms that do seem to overlap with the PD.

In short, I'm basically asking; what level of violence/aggression does one have to consistently showcase to be diagnosed as a pwASPD? It's hard to properly understand Cluster B PDs due to the spread of stereotypes and everything across all prevalent communities, which is why I'm asking. You're free to ignore this if you don't want to answer. I may be phrasing this ask wrong (I do Not Know Words) so I apologize again if I'm enforcing a stereotypical stance here unintentionally.

It's really annoying that this disorder is continually spread as an irredeemable criminal disorder and nothing else. It really messes with my understanding of it, so I want to better my understanding of the anger and violent aggression(s) struggle of this disorder without bias.

so okay a couple things, first i dont mind headcanon asks and i think its normal and natural to see urself reflected in characters and want to analyze them thru that lense and give them traits u have. every fictional character i have ever liked is trans cause i say so kinda vibe, so no worries there. altho ive not watched rise yet so i cant speak to any of those characters specifically (though ive heart its amazing and its on my list) when it comes to ur actual questions theres really 2 answers because talking about fictrional characters and real life people is completely differnt. for example, leonardo lives in a fictional universe where he fights bad guys for a living. him going out and brutally kicking the shit out of and murdering nameless faceless henchman of an evil organization isnt considerent agressive physical violence the way it would be if a real life person put on a turtle costume and went and did the same. we dont expect a mutant ninja turtle to feel regret or shame or sadness or deal with social and interpersonal reprocussions after slamming a hand members face into the ground u know? thats his job lmfaooo so u have to adjust ur thinking accordingly

so what is considerd a disordered level of aggression and physical violence in a real life person vs a character are going to be Wildly different. so the metric u have to use is less about individual specific actions or levels and is instead more questions of is this level of aggression and physical violence

1. a disproportionate and unreasonable response/reaction to the situation at hand. for example, if someone is threatning to stab u, punching them in the face is a reasonable and proportionate reaction to the situation. whereas punching a friend or partner in the face because they did something that upset u is very much not and therefore disordered. if ur immediate and instinctual response to small scale distress is violence that u impulsively act on, then it's most likely hit the level of a disordered symptom and should be counted and considered

2. does it negatively impact, affect, and get in the way of the important relationships with others u are trying to make. does it cause ur life distress, struggle, and make it overall harder for u to be close to and connect with others when and how u want to. is it harming the people around u and who come into contact with u in ways that negatively impact ur life and make it more difficult for u to interact. for example, there's a difference between being agry and aggresive and violent towards say a parent or ex who abused u and a stranger or good friend. being angry and reacting with violence towards people who are trying to or are/have hurt u is a normal and natural response to abuse

everyone experiences anger and agrression, and sometimes, violence and aggression are the correct healthy and normal response to a situation. othertimes they very much are not, and that distinction is what dictates whether or not something is a symptom that needs to be addressed. so looking at the situation around the aggression and violence and what causes it to manifest is very important when considering what is and isnt a symptom

[decaffeinated]

1.Which labels do you use? Nonbinary agender transmasc.

2.What are your pronouns? Mostly he/him, but also they/them.

3.How old were you when you came out to yourself as nonbinary? I think it was 2018, when I was ~22 years old.

4.What’s one thing you’d like to tell your younger self? Your aversion to bras isn't necessarily just sensory, but also dysphoria.

5.Is there a myth about nonbinary people that annoys you the most? That we're all perfectly androgynous. I'm more masculine (strictly in terms of appearance), and that's okay.

6.Is there a nonbinary celebrity you look up to? I don't think so.

7.If you’re out, how did you come out? Called my parents and wrote a Facebook post. And a little later, was also interviewed for a tv show about my nonbinarity and asexuality.

8.Is there a gender-related pun you like? Agenda? I don't have a genda!

9.Do you have friends who identify as nonbinary, too? Most of them tbh 😂

10.Do you have a favorite lgbt+ character? Garnet from Steven Universe.

11. Lgbt, lgbt+, lgbtqa+... which one do you usually use? LGBTQIA+

12. How do you explain the term “nonbinary” to people who have no idea what it means? Neither fully male nor fully female.

13.Tell us a fun fact about yourself (gender-related or random!) I do historical reenactment, and love dressing in "men's" Viking clothes.

14.How did you find your name? I needed an E name for personal reasons, and my first choice was Emi. Unfortunately that name means pistil in Finnish, and I didn't wanna name myself after plant genitals. Especially not female plant genitals.

15.If you’re in a relationship, how did your partner react to your coming-out? I actually met my partner at the trans support group, so pretty well I guess 😂

16.Do you prefer partner, datemate, significant other or something else? Partner. It tells people all they need to know about the nature of the relationship, which is almost nothing.

17.A piece of advice for questioning kids? Do whatever the hell you want to make yourself feel better, as long as you're not hurting yourself.

18.Which flag(s) do you use? The agender flag.

19.Any tips for bad days? Even if your bad day is because of physical pain (like period cramps or whatever), getting compliments or pronoun affirmations from strangers online can still make you feel better even if it doesn't affect the pain.

20.Do you have a favorite nonbinary blog on tumblr? So many I've lost count.

21.Feminine, masculine, androgynous - or none of those things? Masculine on the outside, closer to androgynous on the inside. In a perfect world my gender would be a total mystery to other people.

22. What are your three favorite things about yourself? My interests, the social circles I've formed around those interests, and my current outlook on life.

My dear lgbt+ kids, 

Since over 400 of you agreed that it’s Nonbinary November, I decided to do something fun for my nonbinary kids and came up with this: 

22 Questions for Nonbinary November! 

1.Which labels do you use?

2.What are your pronouns?

3.How old were you when you came out to yourself as nonbinary?

4.What’s one thing you’d like to tell your younger self?

5.Is there a myth about nonbinary people that annoys you the most?

6.Is there a nonbinary celebrity you look up to?

7.If you’re out, how did you come out?

8.Is there a gender-related pun you like? 

9.Do you have friends who identify as nonbinary, too?

10.Do you have a favorite lgbt+ character?

11. Lgbt, lgbt+, lgbtqa+… which one do you usually use?

12. How do you explain the term “nonbinary” to people who have no idea what it means?

13.Tell us a fun fact about yourself (gender-related or random!) 

14.How did you find your name? 

15.If you’re in a relationship, how did your partner react to your coming-out?

16.Do you prefer partner, datemate, significant other or something else?

17.A piece of advice for questioning kids?

18.Which flag(s) do you use?

19.Any tips for bad days?

20.Do you have a favorite nonbinary blog on tumblr?

21.Feminine, masculine, androgynous - or none of those things?

22. What are your three favorite things about yourself?

If you’re on the nonbinary spectrum, you can copy those and answer them on your blog (and tag me!).You can do all at once or one a day. Feel free to skip any questions you don’t want to answer. 

I hope this will be a fun way for nonbinary people to share their stories and a way for others to learn more about the nonbinary community! <3 

With all my love, 

Your Tumblr Dad 

[a-wild-things-rambles]

hi the post above finaly got me to wright down alot of my thoughts to do with john and the community's hes been part of and how that affects him [through my eyes as a younger person in alot of the same community's, looking at the people who have lead similar lives- minus the occult stuff[mostly]] its long but there is a tldr

[for context my tags on the post: #especialy “John wouldn’t probably own a bisexual flag ever or have any pride memorabilia”#that really made something click im my mind for john#alot of they way i approach john is through the lens of an old punk#idk how to explain but you have these people that are subtely off from the norm but normal people cant quite put a finger on#and you could never tell from looking that they say go to all the protests and riots and sing for the tories to die#theres people who wear it proudly#and people who hide it because of others reactions#or just cause its personal and not strangers buisness#i feel john grew up with people having enough reasons to put him down. hes not handing them more#but also theres a difference between pride in part of your identity and showing other ppl and strangers it#some stuff is very personal- im p out and proud queer but there are some other apects of my identity that im very proud of#but dont want to shout from the rooftops#cause its personal#and i think thats how john feels about his bisexuality#its part of him and i dont think he hates it#but its just. a part of him#sorry for the long tags tldr your right and i hadent thought about it like that but it makes alot of sense#john constantine]

I always feel it’s important to look at the character and the history, and not ascribe newer ideas and things to older characters- i think there is a lot of value in looking at how john would approach it differently than lot of people now- especially looking through the groups has been part of, the people I know like john [northern, working class, dysfunctional family situations, bounced around alternative groups and subcultures] sexuality isn’t really a big thing? people are accepting of queer people but. it’s just not a thing that’s announced, gender roles are being broken by most people anyway and there’s just this acceptance and disregard of labels that tends to come from being in the mixed community of all types of people who have all had millions of different labels - I found out that two of the people I consider my aunts are both bisexual cause my mum was joking about how they can pick anyone but neither have had a long term relationship. it’s just so casual, you love who you love, and you are who you are and it’s not really anyone’s business- i found out an old friend of both my parents was a trans woman- unfortunately I never met her before she passed- but I wasn’t told until years after I came out as trans because it wasn’t a big thing, just one part of the identity of an old friend. I think it’s hard for a lot of queer people to see someone talk about 'oh we don’t care about the labels' and how it’s not that important, but the way it is now and was seems to be the true ideal of that idea- no one cares about the labels- if they turn you down they turn you down, if they correct the pronouns they have corrected the pronouns, "be who you wanna be do who you wanna do". You’re the captain of your fate.

I mentioned bouncing around groups and labels, and it’s something I see a lot of irl and very much informs my view of john, I am part of a community of people who have all been through different subcultures and groups- rude boys and metalheads and hippies and punks and travellers- all having stood against the mainstream but found no one label fits them. most of the people I have met at the gatherings have very complex identities- rude boy to punk to post punk- hippie to punk and so on, the mixing and combining of subcultures to make something that’s the best of all the things you love and are- I know we talk a lot with john about him being punk/expunk- but he was a hippie for a while and has been part of many subcultures- to view him as a binary- punk and then post that, seems reductive- I know these days people have ideas more solid borders on subcultures, you’re a punk or a goth, rude boy or hippie- disregarding the long history of people being part of both or multiple groups- and the groups that form from those overlaps. so yea I think it important to acknowledge that john has been part of many subcultures and that informs him- especially the identity issues due to not being wholly one thing, it’s why my community is great- no one is simple, it always a mix- folk and punk, ska and folk, dub sets played on fiddles and banjos- it’s about celebrating our defences, and coming together in our differences to appreciate and celebrate the complexities and contradictions of others, and the things that come from that. one love and all that.

we are the sum of our experiences- and we should celebrate that!

but it comes to a point where you get tired of breaking down all the influences and your just you. are you punk? are you buy? are you a rude boy/girl? are you gender queer? you get tired of the labels and boxes and are just you- after all YOU are the sum of your experiences. other people can look at you and try an analyze you but that’s their thing- your you and the labels that used to matter don’t as much- your comfortable being you, you like some of the music some people do and some music others do- you dress like this but also like that. labels and trying to be a certain thing can get tiring, it’s easier to just be you. it’s a long road to get there- and a hard one to- but as much as I revel in being part of a group of people with the same experiences as me- it can get tiring having the only parts of my identity they engage with be the part we share- god knows I’ve made lots of friends through queer solidarity but sometimes I want to be me not the labels, to be looked at in three dimensions, its why there is a community of people whose best answer to most questions is 'it’s complicated'

ok that ran away from me but that’s why I think johns identity is complex and his queerness isn’t a big thing he shows of.

tldr: often people who go from subculture to subculture trying to find something that fits them get to old and tired to make themselves into the latest thing and no longer can be asked to care about labels and end up content being them and if u wanna try and break them down into all the separate identities then that’s your thing but it’s a bit weird mate. And that’s why I agree that johns not loud about his bisexuality.

[queerlich]

White Supremacy & Gender: Religion

Christianity as a religion has been used to suppress queer folks over the ages. It is also a foundation that many people have used to excuse their white supremacist beliefs and by extension, their anti-queer beliefs.⁠ From sex shaming to bioessentialism, we've all heard some form of these beliefs. A common example is how our bodies "are created in God's image" and how dare we change that or deviate from what their god intended for us.⁠ Whether it comes from a family member, a friend, or a stranger on the internet, it's a shitty statement that implies changing our bodies to reflect who we are is immoral/sinful.⁠

Many queer folks have had to re-navigate their relationship with spirituality (whether it’s Christian or another religion). For some, that means rejecting it, reframing it, or discovering something new to replace those beliefs. It can be hard to find the spiritual communities that do affirm us, and we know they are out there, but where? We often end up practicing alone, having given up on finding the community we desire for our own safety. For me, it looked like creating and believing in a spirituality of my own making. Where ancestral healing, queerness, and divinity co-exist. Where I (and every human) am as much a deity worthy of being honoured as any god.⁠

I believe all bodies are divine by existence. It is the one body we get. Changing it to ease dysphoria/experience euphoria over being in it, is worship and prayer to our own divinity. However, under white supremacy, there are ideals for women & men's bodies (that include being cis/white as a baseline). Trans, non-binary and GNC people don't fit those ideals, let alone the baseline expectations of what cis folks would expect of them. We often challenge these ideals because we don't adhere to the gender binary, and signal it through aspects like pronouns, names, or overall presentation.⁠ If someone is pre-surgery/HRT or opts for no surgery/HRT, we are asked "what is the point of you being trans?" or "are you even trying?". Many people conflate our worth with how well we conform to the ideals of women or men set out by white supremacy.⁠ While an ideal for non-binary bodies hasn't yet been created, we are starting to see something like that happen with many cis folks insisting we have to be "perfectly androgynous" for us to get respect.

Add being a racialized person to the mix and there is another layer of bias, expectations, and stereotypes that whiteness places upon us. Whiteness wants us to abandon the parts of our ethnicity and culture that challenge white supremacy. It seeks to erase culture and create a unified nothing. But we don't have to subscribe to that ideal, in fact, I encourage you to challenge it. How can you celebrate your gender, your queerness, integrated into your culture? What could that look like?

NOTE: If you are white and reading this, then yes, this affects you too! How much do you know about your ancestry? Just a thought.

But your worth isn't tied to how well you pass or perform gender. Your worth is something you decide for your Self.⁠

What does it mean to be worthy by being trans?⁠ What does it mean to be you & to express your gender in the ways you want?⁠ I invite you to reflect on what transition goals you have created because of genuine desire vs. what has come about because of the presentations that society wants for us.⁠

P.S. It's okay if you have a transition goal that is based around passing due to the inherent safety that can come from it or just because that’s how you want to look. My invitation is for you to lay out where your goals fall so that you know how you are influenced & to move forward with awareness. If you want to change a goal, it's up to you to decide.

[olderthannetfic]

Referencing post/683325663061655552/men-are-historical-oppressors-interacts-weirdly

Did we just forget what the word historical means?? Like I'm sorry if it hurts your feelings or something but cismen have, through nearly all eras of western and many other cultures been the oppressing class. Intentionally. Through much of our recent history (recent here meaning, let's say the 1200s until the 1900s) women were considered the property of the men in thier lives, could not own, purchase, hold money title or land, and could be savagely beaten without consequence.

Society is still widely built on many of the basic tenants and ideology that men are superior in all ways. This is just as much an issue for trans people because it negatively affects them no matter what thier agab was.

None of us get to live in a world divorced from this history and trying to pretend like it's problematic to point out its existence and influence because the idea of gender has expanded is misguided and wholesale bullshit. It's actively harmful for trans people of all stripes. It's just as much their history as everyone else's. They are just as affected by the societal implications.

And yes, that means trans women will feel the crushing weight of sexism in day to day life and trans men will too. People who pass particularly well in public will be treated as in/outgroup from strangers for all of the ways that applies. You can find a hundred and one discussions from trans people about the kind of culture shock they go through and the insidiousness of current gender relations between perceived cis women and men.

The present understanding of the world does not erase history, history informs the present wether we want it to or not. Trans existence does not fundamentally alter gender relations, culture, history, or relationships for the rest of the world. It just means they get to muck through even more of it.

Women, ALL women still deal with misogyny both systematic and interrelational. So do all men, because the societal power it affords comes at a cost. All of us NBs are at the whim of whichever group we're generally perceived as. Sorry it's historical. I think you'd find a great many of us wish that it weren't.

They're literally about to over turn Roe. While that is absolutely going to affect a great deal of trans men and other non-cis people, it is directly intended by cis men as a tool to subjugate cis women. This is not only ancient history, it is also current history. Trans people are still people in our society. Acting like they are above it or removed from it is insanely insulting and othering. They're not dogs, they don't get exempted from fraught social relations re:gender on the basis of not Being One of Us.

They are us, they are just as affected, they are just as vulnerable and susceptible to the messaging and groupthink, they are still people.

Not to bang that note a million times but these milquetoast takes really really piss me off. It's so fucking patronizing to act like trans people are somehow entirely removed from society and thus not a part of it or are exempted from how it's shitty. It quite literally presumes them to not be people.

I'm nb myself but presumed female in the world at large and like what? My personal take just removes me entirely from the situation? Cops won't arrest me for running around tits out bc 'no, no you see these aren't female breasts theyre entirely genderless.' No, the cops are going to take me and my nonbinary double ds to the county jail all the same, because I will be perceived as a woman by those around me and I will be treated as such, including the double standards on toplessness and nudity and every step above that on the stairs of oppressive sexism.

A transman with a crying cis woman in public will be perceived as the aggressor regardless of the situation. A cis woman hitting a trans man in public will not be taken seriously by 99% of the people passing by. Trans people are just as much victims of this system and history as anyone else.

--

[wet-from-water-water-from-wet]

this intrigues me also; sometimes contradictory labels make sense in that they can communicate a more complicated or otherwise difficult to accurately express idea via their contradiction, but to me this doesn't converge on anything comprehensible to me? it doesn't immediately make sense to me what being a man and also a woman who exclusively dates women without being non-binary or genderfluid could imply, as opposed to how I can glean some information out of "bi lesbian" that points towards a few possible coherent ideas yknow.

if I had to guess I would assume that it's guys who don't want to let go of their pre-transition lesbian identity; the lesbian part coming before the trans part chronologically. it seems much stranger to imagine a trans guy who later realizes he's a lesbian somehow. though, I still can't imagine why someone would want to do that? cynically I would guess it's a desire to not lose a minority status and the social authority that entails,

but also if there's such thing as a non-binary egg, that's definitely it, right? the tendency to believe that some part of your current identity has reached it's endpoint and the contradictions that arise because of it. when you consider the breadth of possibilities that exist for gender, it's way more likely you're non-binary than it is that every aspect of your identity lines up perfectly with the binary. sometimes you just gotta break through the gender inertia and you'll be happier for it.

but then also, is not every label contradictory from a certain viewpoint? when I was in middle school in my moderately transphobic stage, my main gripe with the idea of being transgender was that it seemed contradictory with how I knew to define gender. I thought gender was a pointless system that imposed oppressive rule on people, and the idea of transing your gender seemed counterproductive to my ideal of none of this gender stuff existing. but, it ended up being that it was far more practical and useful to redefine gender and twist the system such that the oppressive rules no longer existed and then you could leverage the categories that already existed to more efficiently express and identify yourself. it all depends on which rulesets you view as the "correct one," but we made all this up so it's entirely possible, likely even that there just isnt one.

I personally am in a pretty unambiguous straight relationship, but both me and my partner agree that something feels inexplicably gay about our relationship. perhaps it's because we're both bi, maybe it's because I'm trans and that brings with it a certain fun "taboo" vibe that makes it feel gay. neither of us are really sure but it's fun to say.

perhaps being a trans guy who's a lesbian is "just nonbinary and that's okay" in the same way that being a trans girl was "just a feminine guy and that's okay" to my middle school self. there's no way to really know until I understand the rules of the system they're operating within. it's a bit of a separate language.

it's a bit of a copout answer, but at the end of the day it doesn't really affect me any. it doesn't seem obviously transmisogynistic the way "afab trans woman" and the like are. it seems clearly not to be invoking the rules of the system I understand due to how it just doesn't make sense to me; I can't imagine how gender and sexuality are being defined here and I don't know if it's a useful way to do it, but as long as it remains not transphobic or misogynistic I guess I'm fine with it? perhaps I'm being too charitable but I like to assume the best of people. I wouldn't discard any of the possibilities I mentioned, though.

perhaps if you are a lesbian trans guy you could enlighten me as to the way the system you're operating within functions, if you're consciously aware of it.

time to be problematic on main i guess

i really don't understand people that say trans men can be lesbians. I've heard a couple of arguments about it here and there, and it just never made sense to me.

(i'm ignoring nonbinary people here, this discussion only makes sense within the confines of the gender binary)

I've heard people say that trans men have an inherently queer form of attraction, and that therefore it's fine for them to identify as lesbian. I don't buy that at all. A binary trans man that is only attracted to women is straight; and I cannot see a possible scenario where this person calling themselves a lesbian makes sense.

What confuses me the most is that we never hear binary trans women wanting to identify as gay. Not once have heard of it happening, which makes me think something fishy is going on.

My reasoning at the moment is that people think straight is a dirty word. They see themselves as queer and don't want to be called straight. It's nonsense. Straight queer people are valid and there's nothing wrong with that.

I'd love to know if i'm missing something or have i'm misunderstanding something because right now this doesn't make sense to me at all.

[homosexuhauls]

15 JUNE, 2021 by Chimamanda Ngozi-Adichie

IT IS OBSCENE: A TRUE REFLECTION IN THREE PARTS

PART ONE

When you are a public figure, people will write and say false things about you. It comes with the territory. Many of those things you brush aside. Many you ignore. The people close to you advise you that silence is best. And it often is. Sometimes, though, silence makes a lie begin to take on the shimmer of truth.

In this age of social media, where a story travels the world in minutes, silence sometimes means that other people can hijack your story and soon, their false version becomes the defining story about you.

Falsehood flies, and the Truth comes limping after it, as Jonathan Swift wrote.

Take the case of a young woman who attended my Lagos writing workshop some years ago; she stood out because she was bright and interested in feminism.

After the workshop, I welcomed her into my life. I very rarely do this, because my past experiences with young Nigerians left me wary of people who are calculating and insincere and want to use me only as an opportunity. But she was a Bright Young Nigerian Feminist and I thought that was worth making an exception.

She spent time in my Lagos home. We had long conversations. I was support-giver, counsellor, comforter.

Then I gave an interview in March 2017 in which I said that a trans woman is a trans woman, (the larger point of which was to say that we should be able to acknowledge difference while being fully inclusive, that in fact the whole premise of inclusiveness is difference.)

I was told she went on social media and insulted me.

This woman knows me enough to know that I fully support the rights of trans people and all marginalized people. That I have always been fiercely supportive of difference, in general. And that I am a person who reads and thinks and forms my opinions in a carefully considered way.

Of course she could very well have had concerns with the interview. That is fair enough. But I had a personal relationship with her. She could have emailed or called or texted me. Instead she went on social media to put on a public performance.

I was stunned. I couldn’t believe it. But I mostly held myself responsible. My spirit had been slightly stalled, from the beginning, by her. My first sense of unease with her came when she posted a photo taken in my house, at a time when I did not want any photos of my personal life on social media. I asked that she take it down. The second case of unease was her publicizing something I had told her in confidence about another member of the workshop. The most upsetting was when she, without telling me, used my name to apply for an American visa. Above all else was my lingering suspicion that she was a person who chose as friends only those from whom she could benefit. But she was a Bright Young Nigerian Feminist and I allowed that sentiment to over-ride my unease.

After she publicly insulted me, it was clear to me that this kind of noxious person had no business in my life, ever again.

A few months later, she sent this affected, self-regarding email which I ignored.

Friday September 15 2017 at 4.35 AM

Dearest Chimamanda,

Happy birthday. I mean this with all my heart, even though I know I have fallen (removed myself?) from your grace. It would be impossible for me to stop loving you; long before you gave me the possibility of being your friend you were the embodiment of my deepest hopes, and that will never change.

I think of you often, still – stating the obvious. I grieve the loss of our friendship; it is a complicated sadness. I’m sorry that I caused you pain, or to feel like you can no longer trust me. There’s so much that I wish could be said.

I pray this birthday is the happiest one yet. I wish you rest and quiet and abiding stability, and of course more of the kind of success that means the most to you.

I hope mothering X is everything you hoped and prayed for and more.

Have a wonderful day today.

Love always.

About a year later, she sent this email, which I also ignored.

Thursday November 29 2018 at 8.42 AM

Dear Chimamanda,

I realise this is long overdue and vastly insufficient, but I’m really sorry. I’ve spent so much time going back and forth in my head and my email drafts; wondering whether to write you, how to write you, what to say, all kinds of things. But in the end, this is the thing I realise I need to say.

I’m sorry I disappointed and hurt you by saying things publicly that were sharply critical, unkind and even disrespectful, especially in light of all the backlash and criticism you experience from people who don’t know you. I could have acted with more consideration towards you. I should have, especially given the privilege of intimacy that you had offered me. There are many reasons why I chose to behave the way I did, but none of them is an excuse. And I clearly realise now, after many, many months of needless sadness and angst and hurt and actual confusion, that I did not treat you as a friend would—certainly not as someone would to whom you had offered unprecedented access to yourself and your life.

You’ve meant the world to me since I was barely a teenager. It’s been very hard navigating the emotional fallout of the past several months, knowing you were displeased with me but truly not quite understanding why, then deciding I didn’t care, then realising that would never be true. I’ve always cared. But I was too mixed up about the situation to be able to make sense of it, or properly see past my own justifications. I’m sorry it took me so long to grasp how I let you down.

I realise that I don’t have room to ask anything of you, but I would be grateful for a chance to say this in person. Still, even if I never get that, I really hope you believe me.

Congratulations on restarting the workshop, and on all the other amazing successes of the past several months. I think of you often; it would be impossible not to. You look so happy in your pictures. I really hope you are well.

All my love,

I hoped never to hear from her again. But she has recently gone on social media to write about how she “refused to kiss my ring,” as if I demanded some kind of obeisance from her. She also suggests that there is some dark, shadowy ‘more’ to tell that she won’t tell, with an undertone of “if only you knew the whole story.”

It is a manipulative way of lying. By suggesting there is ‘more’ when you know very well that there isn’t, you do sufficient reputational damage while also being able to plead deniability. Innuendo without fact is immoral.

No, there isn’t more to the story. It is a simple story – you got close to a famous person, you publicly insulted the famous person to aggrandize yourself, the famous person cut you off, you sent emails and texts that were ignored, and you then decided to go on social media to peddle falsehoods. It is obscene to tell the world that you refused to kiss a ring when in fact there isn’t any ring at all.

I cannot make much of the hostility of strangers who do not know me – fame taints our view of the humanity of famous people. But the truth is that the famous person remains irretrievably human. Fame does not inoculate the famous person from disappointment and depression, fame does not make you any less angered or hurt by the duplicitous nature of people. To be famous is to be assumed to have power, which is true, but in the analysis of fame, people often ignore the vulnerability that comes with fame, and they are unable to see how others who have nothing to lose can lie and connive in order to take advantage of that fame, while not giving a single thought to the feelings and humanity of the famous person.

And when you personally know a famous person, when you have experienced their humanity, when you have benefited from their kindness, and yet you are unable to extend to them the basic grace and respect that even a casual acquaintanceship deserves, then it says something fundamental about you.

And in a deluded way, you will convince yourself that your hypocritical, self-regarding, compassion-free behavior is in fact principled feminism. It isn’t. You will wrap your mediocre malice in the false gauziness of ideological purity. But it’s still malice. You will tell yourself that being able to parrot the latest American Feminist orthodoxy justifies your hacking at the spirit of a person who had shown you only kindness. You can call your opportunism by any name, but it doesn’t make it any less of the ugly opportunism that it is.

PART TWO

When I first read this person’s work, which was their application to my writing workshop, I thought the sentences were well-done. I accepted this person. At the workshop, I thought they could have been more respectful of the other participants, perhaps not kept typing dismissively as others’ stories were discussed, with an air of being among people below their level. After the workshop, I decided to select the best stories, edit them, pay the writers a fee, and publish them in an e-magazine. The first story I chose was this person’s. I wrote a glowing introduction, which the story truly deserved.

They sent this email.

Fri, Aug 7, 2015, 8:20 AM

Thank you so much for that introduction. It means so much to me and I’m going to keep reading it to get through the rest of my stay at Syracuse. I sent it to my mother and she got nervous about the piece because you said ‘it disturbs’, said she’s not sure how she’s going to feel when she reads it. But she’s also one of those ‘let’s leave the past in the past’ people. My sister approved, which meant a lot because our childhoods were each other’s.

All that to say, I’m so grateful you gave me the space to write the short version of this piece, the encouragement to write the longer piece, and now, a platform for it. I definitely have plans to write more about Aba.

Thank you, with all my heart.

PS- I wanted to sign off gratefully + gracefully in Igbo but I said let me not fall my own hand 🙂

About a year later, they sent another email to let me know that their novel would be published.

Wed, Jun 8, 2016, 8:20 AM

Greetings!

I hope all’s been well with you this past year. Belated congratulations on the baby’s arrival, I hope she’s being a delight (I’m sure she is), and on the Johns Hopkins honors.

I was thinking about how this time last year, I’d just received the email from you about Farafina and I wanted to reach out with a quick update. I’ve just accepted an offer for the novel I excerpted as my application and it feels like the workshop was a catalyst for the events that’ve led me here. So, thank you, for the workshop and your words and the Olisa TV series and listening to me babble on about my story at the hotel. I deeply appreciate all of it and you.

All my best,

Before the novel was published, I spoke of it to some people, to help it get attention. I had not been able to finish reading it. I found the writing beautiful, but the story false-hearted and burdened by bathos. When I spoke of the novel, however, it was the former sentiment that I expressed, never the latter.

After I gave the March 2017 interview in which I said that a trans woman is a trans woman, I was told that this person had insulted me on social media, calling me, among other things, a murderer. I was deeply upset, because while I did not really know them personally, I felt they knew what I stood for and that I fully supported the rights of trans people, and that I do not wish anybody dead.

Still, I took no action. I ignored the public insult.

When this person’s publishers sent me an early copy of their novel, I was surprised to see that my name was included in their cover biography. I had never seen that done in a book before. I didn’t like that I had not been asked for permission to use my name, but most of all I thought – why would a person who thinks I’m a murderer want my name so prominently displayed in their biography?

Then I learned that, because my name was in the cover biography, a journalist had called them my “protegee” and they then threw a Twitter tantrum about it, calling it clickbait, viciously disavowing having received any help from me.

I knew this person had called me a murderer, I knew they were actively campaigning to “cancel” me and tweeting about how I should no longer be invited to speak at events. But this I felt I could not ignore.

I sent an email to my representative:

From: Chimamanda Adichie

Date: Wed, Feb 14, 2018 at 2:06 PM

I’m writing about X

She attended my Lagos workshop two years ago and I selected hers as one of a few pieces I published after the workshop.

Apparently I was referred to as her ‘mentor’ and/or she was referred to as my ‘protege,’ in some articles, which led to her tweeting about it. Her tweets were forwarded to me by friends. In them, she reacted quite viscerally to my being called her ‘mentor’ and her being my ‘protege.’ To be fair, she is not technically my ‘protege,’ and it is perfectly fine that she feels this way, but her ungracious tone and the ugliness of the energy spent on her tweets surprised me.

I recently received her book and noticed that my name was included in her official book bio. I was stunned. Surely if she is so strongly averse to my being considered a person who has been significant in her career, (which is my understanding of the loose use of protege/mentor) then it is unseemly to make the choice to include my name in her bio. I found it unusual, as I don’t think I’ve seen it done before in a book bio, but I also now find it unacceptably cynical.

It is only reasonable for a person who sees my name as it is used in her bio — ‘her work has been selected and edited by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’ — to assume some sort of mentor/protege relationship.

To publicly disavow this with a tone bordering on hostility and at the same time so baldly use my name to sell her book is utterly unacceptable to me.

I’d like you to please reach out to her publishers and ask that my name be removed from her official book bio. I refuse to be used in this way.

After contacting her publishers, my representative wrote:

They have asked whether your preference would be to remove the Acknowledgment to you in the back of the book also, in future reprints.

I replied:

I don’t think that is my decision to take, and so will not answer either way, although it would be ideal if she herself made the decision to do so.

On the subject of how to go about it, I was absolutely determined not to be used by this person, but I was also sensitive to the costs the publisher might incur, as this was not in any way the publisher’s fault. Instead of pulping the already printed copies, I asked that the jackets be stripped and rebound. To my representative I wrote:

I’m completely determined that I not be used in this opportunistic and hypocritical way. But I want to make sure to proceed reasonably.

I was assured that my name would be removed and I moved on.

But from time to time, I would be informed of yet another social media post in which this person had attacked me.

This person has created a space in which social media followers have – and this I find unforgiveable – trivialized my parents’ death, claiming that the sudden and devastating loss of my parents within months of each other during this pandemic, was ‘punishment’ for my ‘transphobia.’

This person has asked followers to pick up machetes and attack me.

This person began a narrative that I had sabotaged their career, a narrative that has been picked up and repeated by others.

The normal response would be to ignore it all, because this person is seeking attention and publicity to benefit themselves. Claiming that I have sabotaged their career is a lie and this person knows that it is a lie. But if something is repeated often enough, in this age in which people do not need proof or verification to run with a story, especially a story that has outrage potential, then it can easily begin to seem true.

My addressing this lie will indeed get this person some attention – may they bask in it.

Here is the truth: I was very supportive of this writer. I didn’t have to be. I wasn’t asked to be. I supported this writer because I believe we need a diverse range of African stories.

Sabotaging a young writer’s career is just not my style; I would get no benefit or satisfaction from it. Asking that my name be removed from your biography is not sabotaging your career. It is about protecting my boundaries of what I consider acceptable in civil human behavior.

You publicly call me a murderer AND still feel entitled to benefit from my name?

You use my name (without my permission) to sell your book AND then throw an ugly tantrum when someone makes a reference to it?

What kind of monstrous entitlement, what kind of perverse self-absorption, what utter lack of self-awareness, what unheeding heartlessness, what frightening immaturity makes a person act this way?

Besides, a person who genuinely believes me to be a murderer cannot possibly want my name on their book cover, unless of course that person is a rank opportunist.

PART THREE

In certain young people today like these two from my writing workshop, I notice what I find increasingly troubling: a cold-blooded grasping, a hunger to take and take and take, but never give; a massive sense of entitlement; an inability to show gratitude; an ease with dishonesty and pretension and selfishness that is couched in the language of self-care; an expectation always to be helped and rewarded no matter whether deserving or not; language that is slick and sleek but with little emotional intelligence; an astonishing level of self-absorption; an unrealistic expectation of puritanism from others; an over-inflated sense of ability, or of talent where there is any at all; an inability to apologize, truly and fully, without justifications; a passionate performance of virtue that is well executed in the public space of Twitter but not in the intimate space of friendship.

I find it obscene.

There are many social-media-savvy people who are choking on sanctimony and lacking in compassion, who can fluidly pontificate on Twitter about kindness but are unable to actually show kindness. People whose social media lives are case studies in emotional aridity. People for whom friendship, and its expectations of loyalty and compassion and support, no longer matter. People who claim to love literature – the messy stories of our humanity – but are also monomaniacally obsessed with whatever is the prevailing ideological orthodoxy. People who demand that you denounce your friends for flimsy reasons in order to remain a member of the chosen puritan class.

People who ask you to ‘educate’ yourself while not having actually read any books themselves, while not being able to intelligently defend their own ideological positions, because by ‘educate,’ they actually mean ‘parrot what I say, flatten all nuance, wish away complexity.’

People who do not recognize that what they call a sophisticated take is really a simplistic mix of abstraction and orthodoxy – sophistication in this case being a showing-off of how au fait they are on the current version of ideological orthodoxy.

People who wield the words ‘violence’ and ‘weaponize’ like tarnished pitchforks. People who depend on obfuscation, who have no compassion for anybody genuinely curious or confused. Ask them a question and you are told that the answer is to repeat a mantra. Ask again for clarity and be accused of violence. (How ironic, speaking of violence, that it is one of these two who encouraged Twitter followers to pick up machetes and attack me.)

And so we have a generation of young people on social media so terrified of having the wrong opinions that they have robbed themselves of the opportunity to think and to learn and to grow.

I have spoken to young people who tell me they are terrified to tweet anything, that they read and re-read their tweets because they fear they will be attacked by their own. The assumption of good faith is dead. What matters is not goodness but the appearance of goodness. We are no longer human beings. We are now angels jostling to out-angel one another. God help us. It is obscene.