#...and if i didn't transition - if i were cis? those same transphobes would think of me just as poorly and they'd hate my body and my soul

[redheadbigshoes]

I'm so done with being calm and respectful about my anger towards those who intrude on sexual boundaries.

Every time a man makes an advance when a woman says no, or that she is a lesbian and not interested, it is an attack on her agency, on the worth of her will, and many people will just say 'its weird' and try and shrug it off, but those were precursors to some of the harassment I experienced, to unwanted physical contact by a coworker in the office I used to work in, trying to erode my boundaries and self-respect.

After I publicly transitioned to a woman when I graduated and moved to a new city for my first job, I was able to come out publicly as a lesbian after having gone through literal comphet forced relationships with men in order to get a letter from my therapist for hormones. I was happy to finally be able to say who I really was, having to just hope that everyone would be nice and accepting of my gender and sexuality since working in an office means you have to be around people you dont choose every day.

I expected my main issue to be transphobia, but I didn't understand how well I passed after just 1.5 years on hrt while closeted, and I doubly didn't expect to get the attention of my male coworkers who kept on making unwanted advances over and over despite me getting upset, disgusted, and angry at them. I told them I was a lesbian and it only increased the degree of my harassment, they wanted to wear down my self-worth and knew noone else in the office felt like standing up for me. It got to the point where I had to file HR cases against two of them. Even when I broke the woman's dress code (yes there was a dress code mandating wearing skirts and dresses, Bank of America's IT department is fucking weird) and just wore concealing jackets and facemasks (this was before the pandemic) and baggy pants they kept pestering me until I got a doctor's note to work from home.

I know some of it was definitely because I'm a trans woman too, a vulnerable target, because few of my coworkers already bothered to talk to me, and when I went to HR and other company assets for help they never took my word above others. Trans Lesbians are more at risk of sexual abuse than most people because most people don't give a fuck about us or our safety.

I just get fucking incredibly upset every time I hear people pushing lesbian's boundaries to include men because that was the precursor to some of my abuse. So anyone who thinks lesbians are 'mean' for being fucking angry and upset when people push men on us can go fuck themselves, I could literally punch every man I see in the face and it wouldn't even be a fraction of recompense for what they did to me.

Just wanted to vent this after reading about a lesbian talking about how a trans man keeps flirting with her despite her saying no and it makes me want to rip something apart

-🌻

I am so sorry about what you had to deal with. I truly hope you’re safer now.

People don’t care about women’s safety in general, so when it comes to a trans lesbian it must be much much worse.

People who try to push cis and trans men in lesbianism are probably the same ones who say transphobic shit and who don’t care about SA.

[ventbloglite]

I think one of the biggest issues with modern transgender theory and thus the modern transgender community is this idea that each of us was 'always our real gender and thus saw the world from that point of view' which I'm sorry is just a load of self-validating crock.

As in, I think we're saying it in an attempt to not come across as transphobic but it directly ignores the lived experiences of 90% or more of trans people to date.

There was trans people who didn't realise they were trans until they were over 60 and there are trans kids who know they're trans and are only 5.

Can you really say that a trans woman, who lived 60 years fully perceiving herself to be a man as well as living as and being treated as one, doesn't know what it's like to be a man? Doesn't have a unique insight into what toxic masculinity, male social roles and potentially the effects of male privlege can have on a person? Not only this but would you seriously tear her apart if she said 'yeah actually I do see myself as having been a man up until this year, but that doesn't matter because now I'm 100% a woman, I just wasn't before now'? Is she not valid for that? Because I know plenty of older trans people who view this as their trans experience and they're completely correct if that's how it is for them, that's how it is.

For as many of us who feel we were 'always our gender' there are just as many who do see it as a change, a shift which happened to them after a life as our AGAB.

And really it doesn't matter which one is true. Trans people 'always having been their gender' or 'trans people becoming a different gender at certain times in their life' because at the end of the day we are what we say we are now and it doesn't negate the way others have treated us regardless of what was going on inside. Nor does it magically shield us from misogyny, toxic masculinity or people treating us with male privlege.

I think it's really ignorant to try and act like trans people are magically immune to things like toxic masculinity and misogyny. I think both binary trans men and binary trans women learn about these things in the exact same way as cis men and cis women.

The earlier you recognise your true gender, the more different your learning of these things will be. Sure, but what you learn and perceive and how other people treat you is still going to be different. If you look like a woman you will be treated as a woman.

A trans man that realises he's a boy at age 5 will learn about misogyny by and large because people will still be misogynistic towards him. Unless he is helped to transition early he will be treated as a girl and later a woman. This is not something he can escape, including if he transitions early and goes stealth but people know he's trans. Sure when he hears 'no girls allowed!' he won't believe that applies to him. When he hears 'girls suck at sports!' he won't believe that applies to him, but the older he gets without transition the more he will learn that those things and more misogyny is in fact being used against him because people see him as a woman. On that level at least he still understands what it is to be a woman in the world even if he doesn't understand what it feels like to actually identify as a woman/feel like a woman internally.

A trans man who has lived 40 years not only being perceived as a woman and treated like one but also believing he is one fully knows what it is like to be a woman. Heck, I'd even say that after 10 years, and especially if you believe you're a girl into puberty etc, you have a pretty good handle on what it's like to be a girl/woman again not just in how the world perceives people of this gender but in how it feels to be one (until you realised you weren't).

I think the whole issue here is the idea that people don't change, somehow.

'Do trans women view women the way men view women?' no they don't, because they are women, but many will remember how they used to think about women when they thought they were a man and how other men talked about women and about manhood and maybe you should listen to this trans women about the effects of toxic masculinity and how misogyny is reinforced in male friendships/spaces.

'Do trans men actually understand what it's like to be women or men for that matter?' of course they know what it's like to be men, they're men, but many will also remember what it was like to view the world through the lens of 'woman' or at least 'girl' and how they were treated so actually do have things that can be said about the misogyny they are still widely experiencing anyway due to 'you were born with a vagina so I can treat you like this' braindeadery.

And I say many because yes some of us transitioned early, or always felt 'off' as in not really our AGAB so learnt and perceived everything differently.

All trans experiences are different. But to somehow believe that no trans person knows what it's like to be their AGAB really ignores a lot of trans people. It's not validating, actually, it's ignorant.

It's trans double standards all over again. We are both incapable of understanding what it's like to be the gender we transitioned to because only those born into a gender can understand it regardless of how many years you've spent transitioned and completely unable to understand what it's like to be the gender we were assigned at birth and lived as for x number of years due to being trans.

Depends who you talk to and how it can be used to shut us down when we talk about our experiences.

And no shade to OP, I'm sure they were trying to be validating (unless some bs followed this), but it's not invalidating to acknowledge that trans men are well...trans*, and haven't always been their current gender (at least socially), so in fact do know what it's like to be something else either on a very deep or shallow level. It's just life. We shouldn't be ashamed of being trans and that means no shame if you really did believe you were cis and live as cis for any amount of time.

*ofc if he says he never was a woman and it makes him dysphoric to think of himself that way don't say it or insist upon it to that guy in particular.

i think im going to lose my fucking mind actually.

this little make believe game that yall are playing where ur all pretending that we have always been passing as cis men is honestly just really sickening to read. as if trans men have never been sexually harassed or abused because society perceives us as women. im genuinely of the opinion that u all just do not believe trans men face misogyny and thats so unbelievably fucked up and just not based in reality. its actually disgusting and vile.

[real-sun-wukong-fan01]

Wukong successfully gaslit the entirety of heaven into thinking he’s a cis man. “Didn’t you introduce yourself as a woman when you first-“

“No?? Obviously not?? What is with you??”

Wukong accidentally made everyone think he was a cis male and then he starts saying how he relates to women issues (physical ones) because he has them, because he never transitioned and never really had the idea of doing it. He has no gender or body dysphoria, especially because he's comfortable in his body and he has no real concept of gender. He knows he's a female, everyone just calls him a he and he genuinely dosen't care. He's male? Okay.

So, when he starts saying how he does relate to those specific women issues and sometimes talks specifically like a woman (those bits where man and woman can't comprehend each other, but wukong can exactly understand women, but can't understand men) everyone gets confused.

Because, weren't you a MALE monkey?

his case of trans (or well, genderfluid in my eyes) is really fun, because he isn't like the classic type of "i ain't a girl I'm MAN" no.

It's him. Not caring about human way of seeing gender. Being comfortable with his female body of a macaque. But he still calls himself a male because he likes it that way. (He doesn't like the idea of woman at the time jttw takes place at least, he's fine on being any kind of gender really. As long as you don't expect him to be something he isn't, he can be everything. Your mom, your dad, your uncle, a female, a male, non-binary. Anything he wants that day.)

But when heaven or the jttw do fits out, they need a minute to process, especially when it's very early in the time (around 1500, and people weren't so..fond of women being strong ect. Y'know, the stereotypes and patriarchy.)

Because, a FEMALE MONKEY DEFEATED HEAVEN?

A female is that strong? What?

Wukong must be joking.

I would say they would be rather transphobic or just straight up don't understand.

because i do know that they didn't care about lesbians or gays, they were fond of it, emperors used to have male lovers. Not only in china, but the Roman empire also had emperors who had male lovers as well, and so on. It was a common thing at the time.

But trans? Genderfluid? Anything that isn't in the binary?

Eh. I don't think so, i still need to research about it, but i doubt.

If they are fond of it, then the only problem would be the sexism.

If women couldn't even work, imagine how much of a shock it would be having a "woman" being such a strong demon. Y'know?

but again there's the Kingdom of women, and there's the king macaque (pretty sure it's QUEEN, king in Chinese is the same as queen) so i also wouldn't be surprised if jttw was okay with women being strong ect.

Silly thought.

[nervoustragedyluminary]

31 Nonbinary trans man They/Them pronouns only. Only started medical transition at like 27/28 wish I could've started earlier in hindsight but it's never too late. Adding some of my experience:

The things that made me realise I should stop putting off starting transition were :

imagining getting old as opposed to assuming I'd die young/of suicide and thinking about the kind of old person I wanted to be and how I'd feel comfortable in old age and that was a dudely person

( even though old women are awesome and badass and beautiful;not that anyone has to be attractive to have worth and even 'ugly' old people are fucking beautiful and worthful - I'm just saying I know some terf is going to read this and be like "internalised misogyny detected! you only transitioned because the patriarchy hates and devalues older women" no piss off also lol if you think older trans people have it any easier than older cis people - educate yourself asshats)

I realised that the idea of aging into an old lady was the reason I was having difficulty with seeing a future for myself and that it was the 'lady' part that was an issue not the 'old' part because I didn't feel the same discomfort when I imagined myself aging as a nonbinary dude & was overall excited to reach 30

Another thing was realising that if I didn't like T or the effects or changed my mind or realised I'd been mistaken that I could stop taking it and that would be fine and not the end of the world due to listening to detransitioners and retransitioners who weren't transphobic & also to trans women and trans people who'd gone through T puberty and had that hormone making changes to their bodies for yonks but were still women nonbinary etc and the sky didn't fall

- there is a reason terfs and transphobes who don't want trans people to transition only focus on and platform the small pool of detransitioners who are mired in self hatred and talk about themselves as 'ruined beauties/ lost fertility who are worthless to the patriarchy and thus miserable now' - it's to fear monger "you can never go back to being a woman if you realise you're wrong after a single drop of T you're poisoned you'll be forever dEsTrOyEd and marked and miserable so don't even try to transition medically in the first place "

Because once I realised that was complete fear mongering BS I felt less scared of starting T and then when the sky didn't fall and I was actually HAPPIER and more chill (still never experienced the so called T rage and I'm starting to think it's mostly about the same amount of BS as 'hysteria' is Tbh) I was like "Oh, dang why did I wait so long hoping my dysphoria would go away 🤦this is actually helping it holy shit"

Before any medical transition changing my name and pronouns helped SO much, as did doing mascara mustaches and sideburns and cutting my hair short and binding heck I even realised Id worn satin boxers years ago before I even realised what trans was or that I could be trans before feeling embarrassed and stopping,

I wore the uniform pants at school and had short hair then I tried to overcompensate by doing (in hindsight very drag like) makeup and growing out pigtails and then I'd get sick of it and cut my hair again then feel bad because I was told I was "making yourself unattractive" - just oof

I swung back and forth like that for a while I got really into funky earrings and shaved my head and wore dresses and skirts or jeans and button ups and tank tops - I was trying so hard to figure out what kind of woman I was (tomboy, butch femme futch, goth, punk, hipster, hippie etc etc-it always cracks me up people saying transness is a replacement for counterculture fashions because trying them and flitting between the styles was in hindsight a way I repressed my transness/ I was trying to find anywhere else that I could fit and not have to admit to myself what was really going on was gender dysphoria - also there are trans ppl in all those 'subcultures' lol we've always been wherever people are because we are people too) and never quite feeling comfortable and I finally realised that I'm just not a woman, I'm not a binary man either though I do feel more comfortable aligning with transmasc these days. It didn't make me unlovable or a pariah - I did lose some shitty people Ngl but I'm better off and happier without them and I wouldn't trade who I am for the fake love of what felt like a cage I was trapped in

but yeah it's been a wild journey and idk maybe reading this will help someone on their own journey to realise it's not all the neat and tidy just so narratives the cis media gives you ecspecilly if you grew up when transness wasn't really talked about. It's your body not your parents' or your partners' or society's it's Your life to live and your decisions to make

Also TBC not medically transitioning/ having a "non normative" transition doesn't make you 'less trans'or whatever either truscum can fuck off, as I said its YOUR body not anyone else's

i feel like there’s a very skewed perception of trans men or transmascs being only teenagers who i guess magically grow out of being trans??? so if you’re over idk lets say 21, and youre a trans man/trans masc person, can you please reblog this and drop your age in the tags?

i’ll start- im 27

[simptasia]

Hello! Im so sorry to bother but i just got back into Lost again and charlie has given me brainrot especially Trans Charlie and i was wondering if you had any specific hc or things like that? I really love Hurleys and Charlies friendship and i always feel when he finds out he's not only super supportive but also super chill

oh gosh! you're not a bother at all!

i do have specific trans charlie HCs and i never get to talk about this so thank you!

tw: references to trans/homo/biphobia both external and internal. and trans subject matters like transition, dysphoria, surgeries etc

there are many many words under here. so many :)

charlie realised he's trans when he was 5, that is to say, he realised he's a boy pretty much as soon as the concept of Boy could take root in his mind. picture 5 year old charlie walking into the kitchen and loudly announcing "i'm NOT a girl, i'm a BOY" to his parents and liam

the reaction is mostly amusement. liam laughs because he's 7. but yeah i do think his family assumed this was like, a tomboy phase that charlie would grow out of with time. but were still very cool with it. simon notes "i have two boys now ^_^", and megan offers to cut charlie's hair, which he happily accepts, he hated looking like a girl

over time it's clearly not a phase but the notion of charlie = boy, son, brother becomes second nature to the pace family. liam gets in the habit of calling charlie "baby brother" so he doesn't accidently call him his sister and that nickname sticks forever

so basically charlie's family is not transphobic. like i imagine the worse you'd get from these three is ignorant/well meaning comments. (and yes, simon was more bothered by charlie being a musician than him being trans. bless your strange heart, papa pace)

any bigotry charlie suffered in life, both from being trans and bi, was mainly from school and people he met outside of home (like, nasty groupies for example). i imagine he received slurs that typically apply to sapphic people. because his schoolmates assumed he was a butch lesbian. i can see charlie wishing they'd call him the right nasty words

charlie has a vicious combination of confidence and insecurity so theres bursts of "yeah i'm a bloke, i'm bi, what of it" and other times deep internal shame. and he's catholic too so that adds to the uh oh soup. i mention him being bi because i feel that adds to his guilt, like this notion of "even if i'd stayed a girl, i'd still be doing something wrong. i'd still be wrong"

and i think this shame and insecurity ties into his promiscuity, because he has this desperate need to be desired and validated. people wanting him, taking pleasure from him, gives charlie a sense of self worth. same with his need to be useful and have attention, etc, basically all that fucked up charlie jazz (...or punk rock, as it were)

ahem, heh, didn't mean to go down that road but writing meta about charlie is such an easy well for me to fall into. it's a rich tapestry

in regards to hurley. 2004 was a different time (gosh that feels weird to say) but i don't think its out of character to imagine hurley is cool with it. he doesn't fully, like, get it but he's like "that's great, dude" and that reaction is always a relief to get. hurley is the cis straight friend we all deserve. i think there are lost characters who would be weirded out by this or needed it explained to them but hurley is [thumbs up]

okay now an assortment of trans charlie headcanons/notes

teenaged charlie had the whole slouching in baggy shirts thing going on (making him look rather grunge). as soon as it was legal for him to get top surgery, he had it, he hated those things. so he had it done at 18, so by the time of LOST, twas 10 years ago and thus i imagine his scars are almost totally faded. you'd have to get real close and if you did you'd notice they're a tad janky because like, charlie was a poor street busker from manchester, he had to go for a really cheap option but hey it got the job done

he did try wearing a binder (i say binder, it was bandages) but he stopped because it was fucking up his ability to sing. it suits charlie that he'd put his musical ability over his physical well being. so most of the time that he had tits he made do with sports bras

side note: age 12 to 16 charlie was in The Worst Mood Ever. teen charlie makes adult charlie seem composed and rational. just a hormonal mess of anger, rebellion, poor posture, dysphoria, sexual discovery, messy greasy red streaked hair, FUCK THE SYSTEM THE WORLD ISN'T FAIR I HATE EVERYONE. with periods as a cherry on top. i just wanted to put the image of teen charlie in your head. i'm just being condescending for funsies, cuz pouty grumpy charlie is cute, but he really did have a lot to be upset about. teen years were rough for charlie, is what i'm saying, his main sources of joy being music, [redacted] and the few friends he had (liam and the other two members of driveshaft). oh and sweet food

but i digress

he has not had bottom surgery. if you asked him why he'd joke "what and give up multiple orgasms?" but the real reason is that charlie has very powerful drive to become a father one day and part of that desire includes with his own. body. so he's kept all the parts needed for that Just In Case. and yes, doing that would majorly trigger his dysphoria but people aren't always rational, charlie least of all. he's a barrel of conflicting emotions. he has good days and bad days in regards to his lower anatomy

charlie takes T patches. i chose these for practical reasons because he's on an island for 3 months. he wears them under his arm and claire assumes they're nicotine patches until she knows charlie is trans. he's wearing each patch for 3 days or more days instead of 1 day like he's supposed to, in order to make 'em last. charlie is clearly an already moody person, but man the concept that charlie is having hormonal issues too really adds to it

and thats something that i really love about my trans charlie headcanon is that i can think of so many canon things that make it make sense. like, the baby brother thing but also

physically: charlie is short, looks rather different to his brother (rounder face) and is hippier than the average cis man. and also charlie has a tendency to puff out his chest (going the opposite of his terrible slouch days cuz now he's titless babey). these are just aspects of dom that happen to work out well for this

story wise: in the show we only see charlie as a child and a grown adult, as such making it easy to fill in first puberty pre transition teenaged charlie off screen. he's possibly 18 in that desmond flashback so cutting it a tad close but i imagine he's had hormonal arrangements for himself since he was 16. and hormones really are fucking magic. also artistic licence, because at the end of the day i am still talking about somebody played a (presumably) cis guy actor

personality: well, besides the aforementioned hormonal mood swings. okay, the stuff i'm gonna say about charlie is not how i see all trans men. i just think being trans ties into certain aspects of charlie's manner. i mentioned before his desperate need for validation, to be useful, to be loved. charlie is really overcompensate-y, he's trying too hard All The Time, one could see that as him like overperforming masculinity. look, charlie has issues, and its clear as day he really really wants to slot himself into the role of husband, father, provider, protector. not inherently a bad thing and certainly not inherently a trans man thing buuut i think it fits. ties into the idea that most of his life charlie has felt the need to constantly prove himself, and that includes things like: a good musician, a good catholic, somebody who can take care of people he loves, being even worthy of love and. being a Real Man. all wrapped up in one confusing mess of a psyche

nah, i got more, still going. furthermore, i don't think charlie being trans is the only reason he's insecure (a rich tapestry) but what if one of many reasons charlie has his nasty jealousy issues with claire is that he thinks so little of himself that he's deeply afraid claire will leave him for a "Real Man". toxic masculinity hurts us all bro. and its not even like charlie is some kind of hypermasculine dudebro or anything like that (he wears nail polish and eyeliner for one thing. he's punk rock) but some odd harmful attitudes come out in subtler ways

to be clear i don't think charlie doubts he is a man but the human mind can be a total fucktruck and i'll say it again: charlie is insecure

anyways. charlie doesn't have a deadname, he was born charlie and he will die charlie. and another neat thing is that theres nothing in the show to suggest that charlie is a variation on charles. he is simply charlie. his middle name "hieronymus" was added by him though, obviously

he had a dildo/strap on packed with him but it was lost to sea during the crash. rip charlie's cock [plays off key flute version of my heart will go on]

he's not out to the wider public. basically in my version of ~canon~ the only people who know are his family, claire and uhh, well, the dozens upon dozens of people he's slept with (charlie's desire to keep this secret vs charlie's rampant desperate lust: the latter always wins). you would think rumours would spread and you're right! but charlie also spreads rumours, sneaky boy. yeah, i heard that the bass player of driveshaft has a big thick cock. a friend of a friend told me, trust me

basically trashy cringe inducing english tabloids have had some things to say about our dear charlie. which only serves to make the concept seem more unbelievable and silly to people. which, as backhanded as that sounds, works for charlie!

i realised i hadn't mentioned this yet: claire is very cool with this. charlie had never been so nervous to come out to somebody in all his life, because he loves claire so much, but once she understood what charlie was telling her (different time, claire didn't know that trans men existed), she rolled with situation. claire's a sweet girl, she's grown up uninformed about queer stuff (and she's bi but thought she was straight until kate) so i imagine her saying some not quite right things but she doesn't have a bigoted bone in her tiny body

and claire never betrays charlie's trust and keeps his secret forever (yeah at least 50 groupies know charlie's trans but thats not the point. it's the principle of the thing)

so yeah. there's defo more, if i like got into more specific scenarios, but thats the gist of what comes to mind and it was still quite a lot, so! thank you for your time

[e-the-village-cryptid]

Hi! I wanted to add an answer to your 'straight folks afraid to ask questions' post but I'm not out on any of my blogs so please excuse the long ask!

So I'm not straight but I felt kind of the same way when I first started searching info on transness and trans people. I'm not from any English speaking country, and where I come from, we weren't teached about labels or anything. For exemple, I knew that I ''wasn't interested in dating anyone'' but only learn the term 'asexual' (in english) when I was 23ish. A lot of the internet places I visit are in english, with a majority of the audience being from the USA. So a lot of usa/english queer terms are used, that are not present / translatable in my language. It's a first 'barrier' when it comes to asking questions, because sometimes it's not you being an ass, it's just that it is genuinely something you don't have the notion for (or a notion you never encounter before). So. Transness. I had a trans friend when I was 14yo, but never would have think of him as 'trans'; he was a guy, just in a 'girl' body, full stop. When I started asking myself questions about what FTM, MTF, trans men, trans women, gender dysphoria, etc meant (really basic questions) I couldn't ask him, because we hadn't been in touch for a while and it would have felt weird AF to contact him back with 'ulterior motives' (aka ask about transness). So I turn to tumblr, twt, and the answer was always the same: trans people shouldn't have to be your teachers, go do your research yourself. I was honestly a bit scared by the harsh words some of those posts/tweets had, but you know, it was fair. It's always weird to have random people ask you intimate things like that. So I tried to do my own research, on google, on blogs, etc. And in short, most of it were snippets of answers with the same conclusion ''But you should ask a trans person, they're the one concerned after all.'' At that point I was just lost. I *had* to ask trans people questions to understand them better (logical), but also asking them was kind of rude and tiresome for them because they just want to live their life in peace (also logical). I stopped looking for answers for a long time, because didn't wanted to bother people. I guess at that point I also started to develop a tiny transphobic reflexion, because I was frustrated by people demanding I knew everything about how to talk to trans folks but also not wanting to answer a single question and being ready to get mad at any mistake someone could make. (Fortunately, that phase didn't last long!) Finally at some point, I can't remember how but I came across youtube videos of trans creators talking about their journey, their transition and answering a lot of questions about transness, something that I was absolutely unaware existed. I was really uneasy at first, because I felt like I wasn't their demographic and shouldn't watch it (the idea that, despite being just watching a yt video, someone could call me out IRL for objectifying them, or looking at trans folks as ''curiosities'' when all I wanted was more infos to better understand) but I ended up discovering really nice creators, who gave a lot of informations and also covered fun other topics. That's how I still feel sometimes when I wonder things about other sexualities a/o genders, this idea that I'm just a really annoying tourist pointing at locals and going ''what is that?'' rudely. I am still incredibly uneasy at queer events (but that may be because I feel like I'm not queer enough for it, and people will be mad at me). But I'm getting better!! I guess the tl:dr of it is that people should do their own research on topics they want to understand better, but also the internet is incredibly effective at making you feel like shit for asking any question whatsoever, and it's something that affects you in real life too... Also, almost 5 years since I started asking myself questions about trans people and turns out I might not be cis myself ahah :,) That was a really long ask, sorry about that! Hope you have a nice day!!!!

Thank you for sharing your experiences with this! And yeah, like I understand not everyone has the energy to educate people and that's absolutely not something required of them, but I wish more in the community weren't needlessly angry or aggressive in their refusals to answer questions. And if a community member wants to help but doesn't want to answer questions, directing the asker to another resource is always a good middle ground, because as you said, "just google it" doesn't always turn up the best info. (lgbtqia wiki is one place I like to direct people for basic information and terms.) I'm glad you found those youtubers, youtubers are some of the sources I've found most helpful in learning about other parts of the community, too! (For people looking for such creators— try searching within youtube with keywords like "my trans journey" or "my bisexual life"— stuff that is likely to turn up individual creators talking about their experiences)

Also, you're absolutely "queer enough" for queer events— the people who try to exclude you are the ones who shouldn't be there, because they're actively harming the community. And good luck with the gender haha, have fun and explore! Thank you for the ask and I hope you have a lovely day!

[yharnamsnewslug]

I've lost countless friends.

When I came out, everyone was extremely happy for me, and supportive. It felt like I couldn't encounter anything bad with my friends backing me up. A friend of mine, we'll call him A, began his transition a year before me - almost exactly a year before me! It made me envious and I kept it inside, thinking I'd never get to medically transition, but he stood beside me and helped me out, helped me reach my goal. I felt incredible, when I got that first shot. I cried a bunch, and felt so elated that I actually threw a party.

It made me sad when....a lot of my friends didn't show up? A lot were saying things like "sorry, I'm busy" which was understandable, but I later saw a lot of them had an Instagram story about being at home bored that night. Some of them were telling to truth, but... a lot weren't. All my trans friends did show up, and we're the loudest and happiest. They still are - even my best friend, a trans woman, whose hands shake like mine did whenever A talked about medical transition. I've vowed to help her to the very end to achieve medical transition as soon as she gets a job.

As I began to get further along into transition, I felt incredibly relieved in looking at my body - I could see A's timeline and feel mine moving along that line. With less of a beard, with more body hair, but still the same. It made me start to look up to him as a goal, a realistic one that didn't mean cis men or fictional men hand-picked to be incredibly attractive.

But the more masc I got, the more comfortable I was with my deeper voice, my shitty beard and my thicker shoulders, the more some of those friends began to pull away from me.

I remember specifically a friend of mine from High School who was dating A at the time. She'd fallen into the radfem route of "wlw relationships are more pure" and "I'm a twit star who constantly talks about LGBT+ issues and berates other cis people about how trans exclusive they are". And it felt.... like a fucking crack in my heart when she gave A the ultimatum of "either we go open relationship (she called it polyamory, but in the past and until a few months ago she'd been ADAMANT that she never could be polyamorous) or we break up". And like, A didn't want to break up, he loved her, and he also wasn't polyamorous and couldn't do an open relationship so he said 'hey, if you're really that tied down and don't want to do this, let's break up.'

She went ballistic on him. Called everyone that was mutual friends with the both of them to say that HE broke up with her and get this.....because of toxic masculinity. She said he had a fragile masculinity and that he couldn't stand that he had turned from a nice butch girl into a raging mid boyfriend.

She said this to me. To me. Face-to-face.

I remember just sputtering out that she was a raging fucking transphobe and never to call me again. She grabbed my arm, tried to explain that I didn't understand "the kind of guy he'd turned into since he took testosterone" but I remember like, in the middle of the fucking street just wanting to spit at her.

A is autistic, sweet, mild-mannered and since he took T, he's never had anger issues again. And she knew that, because she'd been dating him since before he even knew he was trans. I knew that. We all fucking did. He was doing amazing.

I realized she was the one who had been telling him that he was awful in that moment. He'd been so fucking sad in the last months and I was just looking at her and at her twitter-rotted fucking brain and I told her plainly and clearly, "I hope no trans man ever comes near your misery-loving fucking ass."

She won't talk to me anymore. And no matter how much I or A try to explain things, most of the cis women who were friends with us and also that girl would believe us, even though we have proof of texts and texts and texts and even her own Twitter. She lied, she painted him as some roid-rage monster pumped up on testosterone and she still fucking won.

Because people already think of us trans men like this.

She lied about me punching her, too. I've a history of punching people (Nazis, mainly, and bigots in high school), that one is easy to believe. But also nobody asked me my side, they just believed everything she said. I had to leave Twitter when a bunch of cis lesbians began to harass me over there due to what SHE said. And they were all cis lesbians whom, I later found out, convinced her (bisexual) that she could only be a Real Feminist if she didn't date men anymore.

I lost a lot of friends over taking testosterone. A lot. But that one always hurts the most.

❗️❗️ This is asked entirely in good faith. This post is intended to open dialogue and help with solidarity and understanding. ❗️❗️

I would like to hear specifically from trans men and trans mascs how the system of [whatever the fuck you call the intersection of transphobia, misogyny, and specifically your gender- whether transandrophobia, isomisogny, antitransmasculinity, transandromisia, transmisandry, or any that I have missed as there are a lot of words to describe similar concepts] uniquely targets and affects you. Things that you feel other demographics do not experience. Reblogs and replies are very encouraged! If you would prefer, you could dm or send an ask to be added anonymously by me.

This is in the spirit of wanting to understand. I am listening. I encourage all non-trans-mascs to not speak on this topic and let trans mascs and trans men do the talking here. Reblog the post to spread it, but please say nothing.

Any and all people who identify as trans men and/or trans mascs are encouraged to participate.

This is not bait to start a fight. I will block without hesitation anyone who is actively being a shithead on this post. I want to hear and uplift your voices by getting it directly from you.

Click this to access the trans fem and trans women version of this post.

[lesakuraciel]

trans ask game!

original by @solareclipselgbt

1.) what’s your gender and pronouns?

nb and they/them!

2.) what does your name mean (either literally, or to you personally)

i don't feel a particular connection to my birth name, though it is based off anna karenina (it's anna corinne), but i've been toying w the idea of going by ashe... obv it's based on the tree but to me it means walking through a dappled forest near the end of winter, timeless and strange and perfect

3.) when and how did you realize you were trans?

not entirely sure, def after i figured out i wasn't straight(which was aug. 2016), but as far as accepting my place under the /trans/ flag (i knew i was nb, but was still hesitant bc of the people against enbys iding as trans), that didn't happen until like. end of last year,

4.) what was the most helpful in figuring out and accepting yourself as trans?

my trans friends definitely!! and also doing a report on enbys in the trans community, and subsequently finding what, the white stripe means, i still have trouble asking people who already know me to use they/them though,, (i still say she/her is fine even though it's kinda not)

5.) have you or do you plan on medically transitioning?

i do plan to get top surgery! and soon, hopefully!!! other than that, i eventually want a hysterectomy, but no hrt

6.) what’s something you’re most looking forward to in your transition (or something that was your favorite part of transitioning)?

no! boobs! i hate them!! and not having to wear extra layers (read: binder) in summerr

7.) do you have dyed hair?

sjsjsnd yea it's dark blue right now don't think /that's/ natural lmao i even have The Haircut (tm)

8.) who was the first person you came out to (or plan to come out to)?

i'm pretty sure it was my good friend henry!! i mean, he also basically told me i wasn't straight cause i wouldn't admit it :'>

9.) what’s your favorite season?

fall!! so many pretty colors and finally, appropiate weather for the jackets i wear year-round,

10.) have you ever been to pride?

yep! i went to pride for the first time in tacoma last year!! (plan to go to the seattle one this year)

11.) if you’re on hrt, what changes suprised you the most?

not on hrt!

12.) what gives you the most gender euphoria?

oh being called "sir" definitely, and a xloae second is when strangers use they/them to refer to me!

13.) do you have a specific piece of clothing thats especially gender affirming to you?

hmm i mean my binder obv but other than that, certain shirts when i bind? idk they just Do(tm)

14.) what’s your favorite trans joke or meme?

friend who is very comfortable in their identity: talks abt someone not realizing and being transphobic around them/other people not knowing how trans things work/etc.

(sarcasm) wow i can't believe you're really a cishet

15.) if you’ve had any gender affirming surgeries, how was your experience? what are the biggest positive effects?

not had surgery yet, but kaiser permanante has been great so far in working w me !!!

16.) do you have any piercings?

haha just one in each ear, and i basically never use those

17.) who’s your favorite trans character? or do you have any characters you headcanon as trans?

we stan lup from taz in this house

other than that, i hc a lot of characters as trans! e.x. bakugo, todoroki, and kirishima (bnha), snufkin (moomins), indrid and angus (taz), and like, a lot more,,

18.) what do you wish other people understood better about being trans?

just. it's okay to ask pronouns. god

better to ask than to assume

also use context clues, jesus (like if someone isn't out, they may switch to a diff name for some people. never use it unless they ask you to)

19.) top 5 fav songs?

bohemian rhapsody - queen

oi - carbon leaf

light in the hallway - ptx

ocean city - anthony ramos (this isn't anywhere but soundcloud but it's So Good???? go listen)

wait for it - hamilton soundtrack

20.) what advice would you give your younger self?

you can be more assertive about being trans, most people are good abt it and those who aren't can learn or fuck right off

21.) do you have any pets?

yep! my baby, friend

and my doggo, kody!

22.) do you find yourself fitting into gender roles, or consider yourself gender non-conforming?

def gnc!! i like to be androgynous, whixh usually means wearing masc clothes bc i still present fem, somehow,

23.) are you part of your schools gsa or any lgbt organizations?

nope! i prefer to make friends by just chatting, and they usually end up being non-cishwt anyhow lmao

24.) any trans role models?

not really tbh, i see a lot of people that i want to emulate, but i can't think of any in particular atm.

now that i think abt it though, my friend henry has been a sort of guiding light in figuring out, accepting, and then loudly proclaiming my identity, bc i've def come a long way since sophomore year! (if you're reading this, thank u henry)

25.) did you go through multiple gender identities before figuring out your gender now?

yep! i id'ed as genderflux very shortly, then demigirl for a long time, and finally nb/genderqueer!

26.) what makes you most proud to be part of the trans community?

it's so positive and uplifting!! i love that people are just, kind to others that's v nice

27.) favorite movie growing up?

princess bride was and is my favorite movie, but mulan was my fav disney movie and well, if that was someone's fav movie and they ended up cishet? i'd be surprised

28.) if you went by multiple names before deciding your current name, which was the first?

n/a

29.) do you have any pride merch or pride related tattoos?

i have a rainbow flag (handheld) on my bookshelf, and a genderqueer one behind my bed (big)! i also have a trans flag shawl that i made, pan flag converse, several pride shirts, and a pride hat! i'm not shy about letting everyone know i'm neither straight nor cis lmao

30.) if you experience dysphoria, what do you find helps you the most?

binding definitely helps! i get mild dysphoria wearing anything other than a binder or sports bra, and also on my period :/

31.) do you have any siblings, friends, or family who are also trans?

@dorkryptos is my friend and so is henry!! none of my family is though ):

32.) which gender roles or cis beliefs do you find most ridiculous?

nail polish is feminine?? deodorant and razors are gendered???? flowy things are feminine????? guys can't have style beyond Tux(tm)????????????????? fuck all that noise

35.) if cis people didn’t exist for a day, what would you do?

33.) how did you decide on your current name?

go out and make some new friends! ^^

34.) do you fit any trans stereotypes?

i have dyed hair and That haircut, i'm fairly short and afab, i mostly wear ""masc"" clothes, i'm in high school, etc. etc.

ahah, i didn't? but w ashe i wanted smthn with the same initial, old-timey, and connected to nature

only like, every single trans nb stereotype,

[crazyalien87]

huh, i guess there is literally no reason in debating with you due to an inherent difference in belief. (sorry if the bold seems threatening, i'm just trying to emphasize it because that is the main point of this ask, even as i fruitlessly try to debate you for the rest of it.) but seriously, you can't always tell a trans woman from a masculine cis woman, and attempts to actively remove trans women from the community will result in masculine cis women also being harmed. though you don't exactly make trans women feel welcome in the first place, so i guess it isn't THAT big of an issue, now that i think about it, as long as your community stays small; you've got me there. the right to abortion doesn't affect all cis women anyway, so i don't see why excluding trans women is necessary on that account. and i'd be happy to call you a gcrf (GeCRaF?) because it's funny-sounding and more accurate, even if your view on gender is transphobic to the vast majority of trans people and i'm sure most trans men would wish you were a terf. the lack of respect you have for... well, 90+% of society is staggering. you understand that plenty of people like and enjoy having a gender and having that gender respected, and you simply don't care? i don't understand how you can be willing to have a belief that treats so many people with such disrespect.

"you can't always tell a trans woman from a masculine cis woman". Masculine female people are not male people. Yes, some trans women pass as female. I am not advocating for forcefully removing them from bathrooms or something. I don't mind passing trans women in women's bathroom as long as they have good intentions (i.e. they just need to piss & shit like everyone else). I would enforce a female-only policy in other places as that is more enforcable. When someone has to pee, they just gotta go and there is no time to check if they are really female. People need to pee like several times a day anyway. However, I don't see how a trans women could possibly need to be in female-only spaces otherwise in daily life. She can get changed in a bathroom instead of a locker room at the gym. She doesn't need to be on female-only sports teams, etc. Many places have been female-only for a long time. It is not fair to say that female people have to allow males into our spaces just because those males chose to transition (although for some, the dysphoria is so bad that it is not much of a chouce). We didn't chose to be female, & it is not our responbility to cater to male people who chose to look like us. That is very sexist to say that we have to cater to male people. I made an exception for bathrooms because most places only have male & female bathrooms and no unisex ones.

The right to abortion only affects female people, as we are the only ones who can get pregnant. Yes, some of us are infertile & some fertile ones will not get pregnant. However, abortion rights getting taken away is a subset of female people's rigbts getting taken away. It happens mainly due to sexist people who think female people do not deserve the right to body autonomy. Many sexists see female people only as servants for male people, including incubators for the next generation, instead of people. Why would including male people in this issue make sense? Trans women cannot get pregnant because they are male.

"plenty of people like and enjoy having a gender and having that gender respected," no, they don't. A female person saying "I am female, therefore I am a woman (adult female human)," is not "[enjoying] having a gender and having that gender respected." It is simply a statement of biological reality and of the commonly used definition of woman. If anything, some people want their sex respected. Sex is different from gender. Same as "I am male, therefore I am a man (adult male human)." That is just a man stating that he is male (biological reality), and thus a man (according to how english speakers usually use the word man).

Ironic, as you are the one here with disrespectful beliefs. You keep insinuating that masculine female people look the same as male people. You keep saying that us female people have to bend to the demands of male people because sexists like you cannnot tell them apart from masculine female people. You keep assuming that 90+% percent of society has a gender identity. I thought most trans people hate assuming people's gender identities? Why are you being a hypocrite? Do you only respect gender identity when it is beneficial to you?

[gabesapwhoreta]

storytime

The first and only time I've been out during my stay in a mental hospital, there was a transgirl on the same unit as me. One day we were all having lunch in the main room, and a discussion got started up about transitioning, mostly me and her comparing mtf vs ftm transitioning and what it was like/the research we'd done on it. Naturally the other kids were curious about it, so we had like, a big discussion, just sort of answering every question they had about being trans- like, how pronoun preferences work, what's polite, and some of the less talked about stuff too, like what surgery is like and why dysphoria/wanting a full physical transition isn't across the board for every trans person. Neither of us minded at all since we were already talking about it, and since obviously they were just curious and seemed really scared of accidentally being rude.

But like, towards the end of the conversation, this girl says something that makes me wanna tear up- she's just like "You know, I used to disagree with people wanting to be called pronouns and names and stuff before they got surgery, but you guys completely changed my mind. Like, you're both completely the gender you say you are, anyone who talked to you would see that, it doesn't matter whether you've had surgery, you guys are both so sweet and awesome."

And like, it kind of made an impression on me, like- I changed someone's mind. Just by talking to her and letting her know me. It kinda blew my mind to think about how many other people are like that- people who seem transphobic and 'respectfully disagree' or whatever they say they're doing with our 'life choices', meanwhile they just grew up only surrounded by people and media that was telling them completely reversed facts. It's like those dumb videos you see on YouTube titled "Gay People Hug Homophobes" or whatever, and the videos end with the person saying something like "I didn't think gay people acted like you," and you almost want to cry because, what did you think we act like?

Impressions are so important, especially when the person you're talking to isn't particularly exposed to many viewpoints. I remember talking to my grandmother once, and she was talking about why she didn't believe in interracial relationships, or something insane like that, and she explains why- "I had a friend, he was black, and he used to tell me not to trust black guys who wanted to date me, because he'd never choose a white girl over a black girl, because they're sexier." Obviously the dude was joking to a degree, but she took it totally verbatim.

Anyway, that's why I answer questions way more personal than most trans people are willing to answer, provided the asker is just curious and not trying to be rude or something- I feel like there's a big trend in this community to hate straight and cis people, and yeah, it's hilarious and therapeutic to make jokes on tumblr, but sometimes impressions can change a person's entire perspective. Yes, I get it, it's not our responsibility to educate people, it's theirs to seek the information out- but that's not how to actually change anything. When people come on tumblr asking critical questions about being trans, most of the time, they're trying to seek that information out- but the response they get is just people yelling at them for their bad phrasing and overly formal nerdbro-associated typing style borrowed from reddit, and two months later they're an anti-sjw blog, because the conclusion they drew is that we're aggressive and entitled, since they had no fucking clue why anyone was yelling at them when they didn't know.

What I'm saying is we need to start differentiating between ignorance and people genuinely being rude on purpose. Privacy invading questions suck, but it's possible to gently tell someone why they suck, and giving them the benefit of the doubt, instead of just yelling at them. I feel like tumblr culture has a big tendency to fuck that up.

Yes, it's exhausting that we have to explain ourselves to every single person, and yeah, it's super fucking unfair. But no one is going to listen to us when we're insulting them.

[nothorses]

Not that you don't already know this, but. I really think the logic here goes back to people's inability to understand gender outside of a cissexist gender binary.

These people aren't thinking, "trans men get male privilege even pre-transition, even non-passing, even when everyone around them perceives them as women"

They're thinking, "if we admit trans men don't get male privilege in all situations, then the opposite must be true of trans women, and that would be transmisogynistic".

They're remembering years of (generally correct and useful) frameworks that exist to deconstruct transmisogynistic/TERF arguments, and because they don't fully understand these frameworks- and oftentimes, the people who created them didn't think through the underlying logic either- they can't actually think deeply enough about them to understand them in the context of new information.

These arguments were not designed with trans men in mind, and when confronted with the experiences of trans men, they tend to feel the arguments themselves are being threatened.

These arguments have been around for a while, and I suspect a lot of people know them already; but for the sake of being thorough, here are a few:

"Male Socialization"

TERF Argument: "Trans women were raised as men, which means they were taught to think and act the way men do, and therefore continue to think and act like men all their lives."

Counterargument: "Trans women can't be socialized the same way cis men do, because as women, they will understand those messages to be for someone else, and internalize messages intended for women instead."

"Sex-Based Privilege"

TERF Argument: "Trans women will always be Biological Males, which means they will never have to deal with problems like abortion access, stigmatization of periods, and other reproductive rights issues. This means they are privileged as cis men."

Counterargument: "Being a woman means you are always subject to misogyny, no matter what, and it is bigoted to say that trans women are not women. Even if trans women don't need access to abortion, neither do many cis women; besides, this is made up for in all the other ways transmisogyny impacts them. They do not suffer less on the whole."

"Oppression = Identity"

TERF Argument: "Trans women can't experience (what we consider to be) misogyny, therefore they can't ever truly relate to cis women, therefore they can never be Real Women."

Counterargument: "Trans women are perceived and treated the same way cis women are; their transness didn't take away from that, it just adds more, different oppression on top of it."

The problem with these counterarguments is that they meet the TERFs where they are. They don't challenge their foundational logic- they just argue that trans women fit into that logic as women rather than men. And because they fail to examine transness as anything but a more misunderstood, but otherwise indistinguishable copy of cisness, the gender essentialism and binaristic thinking are still incorporated into this logic.

This leaves us with a few transphobic implications:

Trans people do not share experiences with cis people of their AGAB; sharing experiences with your AGAB means you are not actually the gender you say you are.

Trans people are perceived and treated as their actual gender. Their transness is mistreated, but this is wholly separate from their gender.

But these implications can be ignored or skated over, so long as the original ideas are never put into a context that includes trans men's experiences. So people fight to keep trans men's experiences out of the conversation, and come up with arguments like:

"Trans men don't experience misogyny, because they aren't women."

"Trans men are not relevant in conversations about abortion and other reproductive rights issues, because they are not women and are not targeted by misogyny (If we do include them, it is "as women")."

"Trans men are effectively socialized, perceived, and treated as men, and are therefore exactly as privileged and dangerous as cis men."

"It is invalidating to suggest that trans men experience anything a woman does, or that trans men might ever be perceived as a woman, because that would make them women."

"Trans men experience oppression for being trans (transphobia), but this is wholly separate from their gender/AGAB."

"TERFs validate trans men's experiences with misogyny as an extension of considering them women, and as a way of invalidating trans women's experiences with misogyny. Therefore it is intently TERFy to say trans men experience misogyny."

("What the hell is a nonbinary person")

These are designed for the purpose of keeping us out of the conversation, both with the altruistic- but misguided- goal of preserving the only arguments against TERFs they know of, and because they don't really believe that including trans men in the conversation is important in the first place (we're men, after all, so why should they?)

This is already long, but. For the sake of being thorough- again- I wanna also talk about what happens when you argue these same TERF talking points while including trans men's experiences; as well as nonbinary experiences, which are generally left out of the conversation altogether (with the exception of these people sometimes saying "transmasc" and "transfem").

"Male Socialization"

There is no singular, universal "male" or "female" socialization, and trans people, having an incredibly complex relationship to gender in the first place, will often have an even more complex relationship to gendered messaging. Applying this idea to cis people is already dicey at best; applying it to trans people is fully nonsensical.

"Sex-Based Privilege"

All trans people are, or can be, subject to misogyny. Reproductive healthcare is only one aspect of a much larger system that impacts us all in different ways. The total amount of misogyny one faces from others also has nothing to do with anyone's actual gender, and everything to do with how they are perceived in various contexts, or what sorts of needs they have as an individual. This also has nothing to do with what makes anyone a woman.

"Oppression = Identity"

The oppression one experiences does not determine their identity; nor does one's identity determine what their experiences with oppression are/will be. There are patterns, commonalities, and certainly systems built with the goal of harming a particular group of people- but it isn't always that simple in practice. Most trans people will be perceived as both a cis women and a cis man at some point or another.

If someone knows you're trans, you likely won't be treated the way cis men or women are, regardless of gender or presentation. Trans people are generally treated as whatever gendered class (man, woman, or trans/"other") is most convenient to the cis person in that moment; oftentimes multiple at once.

Anyway. I know that wasn't really the point of the original post; it was just a very good jumping-off point, and well-worded to help me bring some thoughts together.

I still have yet to have someone coherently tell me how a non-passing, non-op, no-hormone, non-transitioning trans man has any power or privilege over a cis woman. Both of these people are named Julie and wear makeup and skirts and work the same thankless cashier job. Where is the privilege coming from here???