#....oh fuck ...tthis..got long....

[strawberryseeded]

itadori yuji: unwavering humanity

sorry this is mostly rambling tbh i just need to get this STUFF out of my system !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ive had this in my drafts for over a MONTH now so i just need it OUT

from the beginning of jjk, itadori wants to help ppl by allowing them to die a "proper death". during his time as a sorcerer, however, and particulary after (his first time lol) dying in the reform school, he realized how weak he was & how much he wasnt even in control of his own death. the curses were. sukuna was. and itadori learnt what it felt to be scared of his own helplessness.

but still, bc hes itadori yuji (a very stubborn guy who keep moving forward no matter what, without thinking, without an ounce of self-preservation), he still mantained this goal of helping ppl. this time, however, understanding that in order to do so, he has to (in typical shounen fashion) get stronger.

in the next arc, itadori meets junpei and mahito. we learn that junpei is a nice kid, but as we know, after much pain and sorrow plus mahito's manipulation and corruption, he ends up trying to kill his classmates. itadori once again faces the fact that there's a lot of evil in this world. there's people he can't save, things he can't fix. even more importantly, if it's about curses as evil as mahito, he wants to kill (itadori and mahito's enmity is really prolongued and interesting in general, constantly making each other evolve).

a bit later, he and kugisaki kill two death wombs (who they believe are curses at first) and after that he learns (from sukuna who just needs to make him suffer more, as a little treat <3) that it's bc he ate sukuna's finger that many spirits are awakening and causing ppl to die. he doesn't exactly regret his actions, but it all weights on him, painfully so.

on his way to save as many ppl as possible, itadori has become stronger, but he's also killed.

then comes shibuya (ha.....)

after losing people so close to him, allowing sukuna to end so many lives and being made fun of by sukuna and mahito for being so naive and (again) so weak, itadori almost gave up his goal. it's thanks to todo's ted talk that he got up again (as he always does).

itadori thru this arc learns to see himself not as a hero but as a cog in a machine. he's only human, after all: an individual (a weak one at that), but also part of something way bigger. his values, beliefs and desires are itadori's: born from his temperament and upbringing. individual. but the fact that he is human shapes him, the same way being a curse shapes mahito.

itadori finally understands that caring about people it's in his nature because he is human, but also that the why doesnt matter. and so, to save people, he'll kill mahito like it's also second nature to him.

(is he fine with it? does he want to? thats not relevant anymore. he's only following his nature, moving in automatic-mode. like a predator when he sees prey. not evil, not selfish. just doing what he needs to, what he's made for).

after shibuya itadori changes. he's still him, but the way he kills curses and tackles his job as a sorcerer it's almost machine-like. it's kinda eerie. we know he's not a machine, obviously. by this point we know itadori well: his immense suffering caused by other's peoples deaths and pain, we see his scars. he's still very much human, and still very much itadori.

more than ever before he wants to help people.

the thing is... despite what he said to mahito about saving people "for no reason, just like mahito kills and makes people suffer for no reason", itadori's desire to help people says a lot about him.

from the very beginning this desire has profoundly affected the way he interacts with other people and also the way he views himself. he's only worthy and valuable when he's able to save people. it gives him a role to play, a reason to live, a way to connect with others.

(it always has: in one of the first chs (i think ch 3 in the manga?), when confronted with the reason for becoming a sorcerer, he finally admits that he wanted something only he could do. that's even why he joined the occult club (which was bound to shut down without him) but not the sports clubs even when he was clearly gifted for any sport he could play. yes, it was also bc he wanted to visit his grandpa at the hospital, but itadori wanted to be needed. to serve others).

even when it's hard, when he doesn't want to, when the price is so high...

for itadori it's not only an instinct, it's a choice.

and then the culling games happen... and sukuna takes megumi's body.

megumi's itadori's friend, itadori cares about him. and megumi saved him. and he is taken by sukuna bc of itadori's fault. bc of the vow he and sukuna made that itadori cant even remember.

itadori's no longer sukuna's vessel now, so his initial purpose of retrieving sukuna's fingers so he can be killed along him is over. by this point he's long realized not only that he can't save every single person, but that he cant avoid killing and hurting other ppl, can't control his own death, can't even protect people who are close and important to him. he's weak, he's "bad". guilty. but it's not like before; itadori doesn't want to absolve his sins, that's not why he does what he does.

itadori's only goal remains unchanged: to save megumi and fucking KILL sukuna once and for all. it's literally his life purpose; once a wish given by his grandfather, then a duty imposed by the jujutsu society. now, it's itadori's own will. he despises sukuna. it's absolutely personal.

more than ever, his capability to help and save other people gives him a purpose, a reason to live and keep moving forward. its what keeps him grounded and himself. what makes him so human, despite all the pain and all the evil, despite all of the powerful curses and curse users around him who thrive on hurting and taking. no matter how many times he's beaten to the ground, he gets up again, his ideal never faltering. he'll always care about and do his best to protect people.

this is the reason why sukuna cant really figure him out. why he says over and over again thru the series that itadori's boring and weak. sukuna was human once, a sorcerer as well, but the thing is... he was strong. insanely so. and the way sees it, being strong is everything, not a plus, but a must. being weak is equivalent to death, so helping the weak is pointless. being already at the top of the food chain, sukuna's only moved by and interested in power and strenght, and so, he doesnt really get itadori. he sees him as -basically- a pathetic insect, which is, funnily, part of the reason why he hasnt killed him yet (the other part of the reason is, as ive said, that itadori is tough as nails).

& maybe it sounds kinda cheesy but i do truly think that all of what i just said is the reason why itadori just might win. he literally represents the compassion and resilience of humans, even against pure evil. this unwavering humanity and love for other people, even when it's painful and hard, is what makes him so strong, in a way sukuna doesnt understand. this is why people love itadori yuji.

[cleocatrablossy]

Okay, so pirating Bill and Ted’s excellent adventure right now and it has adds in it too so I got this one add twice so far:

It was free/super low cost health insurance for kids that seeming mostly or fully paid for life saving prescription drugs and medical stuff(it appears from the add it covered insulin and inhalers at the LEAST).

AND IT STILL EXISTS. AND COVERS LITERALLY EVERYTHING(though I’d guess not to the same degree any more)

And if it’s survived this long, WHY ISN’T THIS A NATION WIDE THING FOR PEOPLE OF ALL AGES?

IF IT IS PRICE-ADJUSTED TO INCOME AND COST OF LIVIVNG IN ANY GIVEN AREA THEN HAVE IT BE A BASE LINE THING. PLEASE WE COULD DO SO MUCH BETTER NOWADAYS IF PEOPLE WHO HAD KORE TO SPEND PAID A BIT MORE AND GO TTHIS AND PEOPLE WHO DON’T HAVE THE MONEY TO AFFORD IT COMFORTABLY GOT IT FOR FREE AS A BASE LINE

It’s not a perfect solution to the US’s shitty healthcare, or even a solution in general, BUT IT WOULD BE A GOOD START.

And maybe take out a good bit of funding from the military and police and put it into this and maybe it can cover practically EVERYTHING cost-wise! And if possible maybe make it so it’s just free for everyone! WE ALREADY HAVE A FUCKING BLUEPRINT IN THE USA WHY DON’T WE DO ANYTHING WITH IT? ASSHOLES CAN’T EVEN TRY THE SHIT COUNTER OF “OH BUT BRITAIN IS GOING THROUGH A FINANCIAL CRISIS”(actual argument my grandparents used when I was talking about Ireland, Finland, and Sweden as well) BECAUSE IT’S IN THE STATES.

[macabrecleaver]

Been alone for too long, distractions aren't distracting, I am suicidal and alone.

That's okay! Nobody will notice, everyone is too much in agony to notice! Everyone is sad! Everyone is suffering! Nothing matters anymoreee!

A constant reminder the world will never revolve around me! I am not the main character, not even to my own life! I'm just a prick who will never see the light of day- I'm so selfish and foolish to believe I can save my home, my friends, and my sanityyy!

I am the problem. I am not hope, I am Icarus.

Let me disappear and never come back! Let me become a druggie slut cause that's all I'm good for! I can't even comfort anymore, so all I'm good at is sex now, oh well! I want to jump out my window so badly- someone please restrain me, someone please drug me till I can't feel what I have left.

Everything will be fiine! I just need to do somtheing ANYTHING- just something! but there's nothing there's nothing at all- oh well! that's okay! There was nothing to begin with! We'll be fine, everything will work out in the endd

I need to fucking kill myself istg. I hate breathing, I hate this body, I hate my life, I hate everything.

I need to be punsished for it all I need pain I need to be hurt its all that makes sense anymore. nothing makes sense anymore. nothing ever made sense. It will never make sense. That's life, this is my life! TThis is me! This is all I'll ever be! I'm going to die like this. I'm really going to die like this.. i never got to even see it. I never got to even feel it.

what a dissapointment.

[stormyweaver]

Okay so... *ahem* I feel like so far, my lil’ fics I’ve posted have had a decent balance of snz + story, which I personally like to read when I browse through stories in general. But uh... if you’re looking for balance/canon stuff/awesome wordiness, this ain’t it lol. This is pure indulgence that I drummed up one night and swore I would never show anyone. Then I decided ‘Eh, maybe someone else might get a kick out of it’ so! Without further stalling, here’s some pre-season 1 Wa/lking D/ead featuring Rick and Shane during their police academy days. 

"C'mon man, quit fightin' it!" "Shade, I swear to God I'm gonna... g-gonna..." "Gonna sneeze again? Hell, blind man could'a told ya' that," While a grinning Shane leaned against the end of the bed, Rick reclined off the side, hands shakily hovering over his nose. He'd had a cold for the past three days, and it finally made a head the day BEFORE their fucking latest physical test was scheduled. He could deal with the fatigue, aches and general malaise - he’d pushed through worse - but did he really have to sneeze every other minute?! "Ugh, n'do, I'mb-- hih!" Rheumy eyes glazed over, close to slamming shut as his nose twitched, tingles running rampant along the lining of his sinuses. He could fight it, he could, he just had to concentrate... "Swear to God, man, you look like you're about to cum," That- that did it. "hhiiIh-- ihhTSCHH! Hih'TXSHH! iiHHSHH! ih'SHH! 'TSHH!" The fit landed into his cupped palms point blank, each one spilling out until his body figured itself satisfied. Groaning, Rick grimaced at the mess left behind on his palms, leaning over to pluck a tissue from the box on his nightstand. "I'b blamig' you for that," Meanwhile, Shane merely side-eyed his friend, a light smirk on his lips."Told ya'. Bless you, anyway, like - times five? Shit, never could keep count with you," Teasing Rick had to be his favorite pastime, even vying for first with boning the hot chick from the local bar on the weekends. He was just too easy to get under the skin of, especially with how pathetically miserably he appeared. Though, Shane couldn't deny that, this particular jabbing session had an underlying purpose. After spending the last couple of days with a walking germ incubator, he'd already begun to feel a sore throat coming on day two. Now, there was a distinct heaviness lining his lungs, a sluggish lag creeping into his bones, and damn if he didn't wanna claw his own sinuses out. But like hell would he ever let Rick onto that fact. No willingly giving ammunition for being harped on, it simply wasn't allowed between them. The sound of Rick gently blowing his nose caught Shane's attention, another chuckle passing through his lips. "Can't imagine how you're breathin' through all that gunk, man," Going back to his book, Shane flinched as he felt something soft, papery and distinctly damp land atop his hand. Gagging, he quickly flicked the used tissue to the side, "Oh, fuckin' sick, asshole!" Turning around to reach up, he grappled for Rick's flannel to pull him onto the floor, but the other wasn't going without a fight. "Take's one to know one!" he shot back, shifting so he was on his belly and pushing himself back off the edge and out of Shane's grasp. Even the slight tousle had Rick coughing into his fist, but Shane didn't back down. Closing his book, he crawled atop the bed, taking the momentarily preoccupied Rick and pinning him down -- wrists in hand, knees locking his legs into place. Grunting in defiance, Rick shot daggers at his friend, not enough to really show anything besides a large irritation, though. "Dick," Shane merely shrugged, leaning in a bit to sing-song, "Take's one to know one~" with a snicker. Rick could only roll his eyes, sniffling heavily as he-- Oh, shit. He was gonna sneeze again. Though it would have been the ultimate revenge, the merciful part of Rick really didn't want to stack up the odds of his friend catching this. After all, Shane fit the mold when it came to who was a bigger asshole between them. Couldn’t go ruining that dynamic. "Shane, lem'be up," he insisted, shifting his hips between Shane's fucking thunder thighs as he wrinkled his nose tight. "Uh-uh, not 'til you say you're sorry 'bout tossing your snot rag at me..." His tongue prodded the inside of his cheek, "...aaaand you admit that I'm better at puttin' together a Remington. 'Cause you know it's the truth," Snorting, though Rick couldn't identify if it was indignant or reflexive, he began to squirm in earnest, shaking his head. "I-I'm serious, man, lebbe up, I gotta..." Rick felt his lungs begin to spasm, breath catching on the last word. Still clueless, Shane rose a brow at his friend, "What’s more important than tellin’ me I’m right? Nice try, but, nah. Jus' say it an' I'll let ya' go, brother," A sudden huff exited Rick's lungs, and this time his eyes rolled up in preparation of the sneezes just itching to barrel out of him. Shit, he had to move--! "S-Shane, I... I gotta... hiihhh!..." Oh, screw it, he wasn't gonna go through this again. Maybe it was time for a little bit of payback for all that teasing. It seemed by the time Shane had put two and two together, brows raising just as Rick tilted his head back, flared nostrils exposed and damp. "hh'ITSHH'uh! ih'TSHHH'uh! hih'ISHHU!" Whether it was shock or slowed reflexes, Shane got hit smack in the face with the first one, raising an arm to shield himself from the next pair. He groaned in tandem with Rick, who allowed his head to fall back with a thick snuffle. "Ugh, damb that felt good," and a mildly satisfied smirk. Wait, his hand was free-- YES! Ignoring his streaming nose with another sniffle, Rick took Shane's momentary stunned state and flipped him onto his back, reversing their position in under two seconds. "You fuckin'--!" Shane started, attempting to break free from Rick's grasp, but even with a cold the man still knew how to pin someone down. Nostrils flared, Shane sighed and glanced off to the side, swearing again before peering up at Rick with a grimace. "Seriously couldn'ta warned me before ya' sprayed all that shit on my face?" A scoff flew past Rick's lips. "I tried! You wouldn't listen, stubborn ass," Sighing, he glanced down between them before giving Shane an exasperated look. "What, you wanna get me back?" Well... maybe it was kinda too far. Definitely gross. Shane had asked for it, but, Rick honestly hated seeing that hurt puppy dog look on the others face. Damn struck sympathy chords. "... Alright here, you can punch me in the arm, alright? That make ya' feel any better?" Before he could get an answer, Shane had been silently fighting an internal battle of his own. While Rick tried and failed miserably to stave off his fittish sneezes, Shane had actually been doing a fair job of ignoring the tingling within his own crooked nose. But with all the rough and tumbling, and surprise from being sprayed in the face, tingling had morphed into an all out itch. His expression was already going slack, eyes lidded as his lips parted to suck in air so as to fuel the inevitable sneeze. Rick, knowing that expression all too well by now, groaned and tilted his head to the side. "Jus' make it quick, man," Shane managed to gasp out a chuckle, bunching his nose up and down as the tickle worked his sinuses. "T-tryin', man," Fuck, he had to sneeze so bad, why wasn't it coming out?! He sniffed, heavily, feeling his chest expand beneath Rick -- and then nothing. Groaning, he squirmed a bit under Rick, his left leg beginning to job from the anxiousness of waiting. "Fuck, man, i-ihhh... i-it won't come out!" He gasped in disbelief, feeling ridiculous as his expression twisted all from a stupid tickle in his nose. Oh. Oh, geez. Rick glanced back to Shane in a mixture of awkwardness and pity - he knew how much a stuck sneeze sucked ass. And as much as his friend deserved at least a part of this, he wasn't a complete jerk. "Alright, alright hold on," Letting go of his wrists, Rick leaned over and yanked another tissue from the box, trying to ignore how... weird it felt, having Shane kinda writhing underneath him. "Tried this the other night, an'... look, it's weird okay?" He sighed, fingers twisting the tissue until it reached a fine point, "But it works so, jus' shut up and lemme help ya'," Shane wasn't about to say no - he'd wanted to sneeze in the first place, now this was just getting ridiculous. "I-I'd try snortin' p-pepper at tthis point," But, he reckoned a tissue would be a lot less painful. He tried not to tense up as his friend brought the implement to his nostrils, but he couldn't help seizing up once it slid past the rim. "huuhh--uhhh-uuUUH--" Still, nothing but build up, and he let out an audible groan. Rick tried not to wince at his friend's obvious discomfort, biting down hard as he attempted to wiggle the tool deeper into his nose. "Jus' try and relax, s'what I had to do. Uh... t-think of somethin' that makes ya' sneeze. Like that one girls perfume, last month, remember? Shit, thought you'd just about sneeze out the entire club that night, firin' one after the other. Think'a that, okay?" Oh God, that... Shane could recall with almost perfect clarity that night, not too long ago. Whatever cheap, heady scent the girl had on, it did NOT agree with his sinuses. Shane had little problem sneezing then, barely able to get a word in-between, and Rick all but led him out into the night air. But, it stuck with him, all over his clothes, his hair... so tickly... and he'd been so.... so fucking sneezy... "Hhhhoooh God, R-rick...! T-t-think it--  think it's wuhh-huh! w-workin'..." Shane's head had tilted back as far as it could go, and this gave Rick better access to really work at his nose. He wiggled the tissue,  giving twists as he slid it in and out of his friends nostril. Just seeing the way his expression was falling almost made Rick's own nose twinge in sympathy. "Uhhh-UHHH---!" He'd hit the spot. Rick assaulted the area as best he could, hand clenched onto Shane's shoulder as he encouraged him. "Jus' ooone more..." With that, he flicked the spear, twisting it twice before sliding it out, slowly, from Shane's nose. And that seemed to do it. "huuhh--hHHUUUH---HHH! HH! HHHUURRRUUSHHHOOO!" Shane finally released, so powerful a sneeze that he rose and bumped his forehead against Rick's with the force of it. "Ghh--!" Rick staggered backwards, falling back onto the bed with a hiss as his fingers rose to massage his temple. "Shit," he chuckled, cracking an eye open to glance at Shane, "Damn, when I said fire, I didn't mean liter-- Oh..." Anyone could tell by the hazy desperation on Shane's expression that he wasn't yet finished. Hitching softly, he brushed the knuckle of his index finger against the tip of his nose, a shudder running down his spine before he sneezed again, openly. "hhHUURUSHHHH'UHHh! hHHAHHH'KSHHH AAHHH'SHHH'huh!'hue... Ohhh, fugck," Shane moaned, ignoring the ache in his head in favor of massaging the sides of his nose. It still felt like he could sneeze his brains out, but a little less insistent than before. He sniffled, yes, full on sniffled, feeling tears trickle from his eyes and sighed. "... So, uh... think ya' mighta' got m'be sick," he mumbled stuffily, sniffling again and scrubbing at the side of his nose with a finger.

Rick could only huff out a congested sigh of his own, gazing at his friend with a small, apologetic smile as he passed him the box of Kleenex. “Misery loves company,”

[probably-writing-x]

Further.

~Kind of like the idea of this becoming a series?? Thoughts??~

~~~~~~

"Alright I'll be there in five minutes," You comment hurriedly down the phone to your brother as you step quickly onto the awaiting tube.

"Did you remember everything?" Tom asks as he instantly makes the assumption that your forgetfulness had got the better of you.

"Yes I remembered it all. Your list was, and I quote, get shit for a barbeque and some ice creams," You shake your head, sitting down onto one of the free seats on the vehicle, "And yes I remembered Fab lollies for Haz,"

"Alright alright," Tom laughs, "See you in a minute then,"

You hang up and welcome your music returning into your headphones, settling your head back and blocking out the rest of the public as you await your stop.

~~~

When you get off the tube, the station is in a state of hustle and bustle as the heat begins to overwhelm London once again.

"(Y/n) Holland?" An unknown voice calls and you pull out your earphone to turn around and acknowledge the voice, "Oh my god hi! I'm such a huge fan of Tom and your family!"

"Aw thank you," You smile politely, giving the young girl a hug, "It's lovely to meet you,"

She takes a photo of the two of you and as her phone locks, you notice her lockscreen is full of photos of you and Harrison. It wasn't particularly surprising. Plenty of Tom's fans felt as though the two of you should be together and they already practically treated you like a couple. But still, it sent a little pain through your heart.

Nevertheless, you bid her farewell and dismiss yourself, ascending the escalator before beginning your walk back to the house.

~~~

"That was definitely longer than five minutes," Harry states simply as he opens the door, appearing alongside your other younger brother, Paddy.

"Well then you can go shopping next time you lazy ass," You roll your eyes, handing him one of the shopping bags.

"Public transport makes you cranky," Harry jokes, carrying the bag into the kitchen where the rest of the boys - Tom, Sam and Harrison - all wait.

"Finally!! Harrison's been in a foul mood, like full on hanger," Sam shakes his head, nudging Haz's shoulder.

"Somebody grumpy?" You pout as you reach behind him to put something in the cupboard, "Is it your time of the month?"

Harrison rolls his eyes and leans down so his face is inches from yours, "Must be, I guess we're synced!"

You hit his chest and push him away, busying yourself by starting to unpack the other bags.

"Alright how do we actually make a barbeque?" Tom clasps his hands together, lugging in a big bag of charcoal.

"I've been gone all afternoon and you guys still didn't figure out how to make a fucking barbeque?" You laugh, "I have to do everything in this family!"

"We were busy," Paddy retorts, "Harrison wanting to fill up the pool,"

"That pool we had when we were about five?!" You exclaim, running your hands through your hair to pull it out of your face.

"Well we couldn't find the pump so we had to take turns blowing it up," Sam admits and it makes you laugh even more.

"Something funny?" Harrison raises his brows, tickling your sides as you double over to avoid him.

"Come on! I'm fucking starving!" Harry encourages, all of them oblivious to Harrison's actions being anything more than brotherly.

And before you know it, all of your brothers have left to go into the garden and somehow work out how to make up tthis barbeque.

You and Harrison settle into a silence and it is only then that you can notice the lack of brightness in his eyes.

"Everything okay over there?" You frown, folding your arms as you stand opposite him in the kitchen.

"Um, yeah, yeah," He nods reassuringly, "Can we maybe just find some time to talk later?"

Your face doesn't falter from it's frown, "Yeah, of course. But for now can you somehow help me keep these boys under control?"

He laughs and it seems like he lets his worries slip away temporarily as he follows you outside, hand somehow subconsciously settling on your back as the two of you join the boys in huddling around their project.

~~~

In a while, after the barbeque took far too long to set up, you're all relaxing on the grass as Tom gets up occasionally to check on the cooking.

"Here you go boys," You call, carrying out four beers and a lemonade for Paddy and handing them out to each of them.

You hand Harrison's to him last as you sit down beside him.

"You even got my favourite," He comments, nudging your shoulder, "Thanks love,"

"What can I say?" You joke, "I'm just an all round ten out of ten,"

"You really are," He mumbles but its completely inaudible to you.

And its completely hidden to you how much his eyes focus on you.

~~~

"Ooh call me Gordon Ramsey boys, I am the Antoni Porowski of this group and you cannot tell me otherwise," Tom grins as he starts to plate up burgers and hot dogs for everyone.

They were slightly burnt and some of the burgers were strange shapes from his failed attempts to flip them but nonetheless, they were worth the wait.

"Did you seriously forget to buy ketchup?" Harrison sighs, his hand settling low on your back as he pokes his head over your shoulder to look at all of the food.

"On top of everything else, yes I may have forgotten ketchup," You admit, turning to face him and finding yourself a little too close to him. It provokes a blush to appear on your face and the words to fall away from your lips, no longer being important enough to break this moment.

Harrison swallows the lump in his throat and lets his eyes fall to solely focus on you, dancing across your face like they were terrified to be so close. He envied everything that had ever been closer than this. Every drop of rain, every kiss on the cheek from your brothers, every ex - he envied them all for being closer than it was possible for him to ever be.

"Harry fuck off!" Sam hits his twin over the head as Harry tries to flip the paper plate out of his hands.

It snaps you and Haz away from each other as you reside to your seats on the grass, still gravitating to sit beside each other.

~~~

When the evening begins to draw to a quiet close, your brothers have resided to sitting indoors to watch a match on the TV - leaving only you and Harrison outside after both of you offered to tidy away.

"Are you okay to talk now?" You ask into the quiet air as Harrison stops in his tracks.

"Oh no you don't have to-" He begins nervously but stops as soon as you take his hand.

"Come here," Fingers locking with his, you lead him over to the sofa chair that furnished the patio.

You both sit down and, instinctively, your legs lift up to go over his, one of his hands settling on your thigh whilst the other still plays with your hand.

"So, what's been on your mind?" You ask quietly, looking up to try and focus on his crisp blue eyes as much as possible.

"(Y/n) I don't know how I say this in the right way or how I say it without it seeming like I'm making things worse or I-" He sighs, running a hand through his hair, "But I'm just going to say it because you overthink just as much as I do anyway,"

You can't help but smile a little.

"I think you know how I feel about you,"

"And I think you know the same for me," You mention, watching as he focuses solely on the dance between yours and his hands.

"But I also know that you know where we stand," He admits, "You see, a number of years ago I knocked on the door to your house and it was the first time I'd ever been invited for dinner. And I remember your Mum ordered us pizzas and we played on Tom's old-ass PlayStation. And from that point on, I started treating that household like it was my second family. I confided in your parents like they were my own, I relied on your brothers like we were related and I started to love Tessa just as much as Monty," Harrison chuckles, "And Tom became my best friend. But bit by bit I found myself falling in love with his sister,"

You're silent because the lump in your throat is too prominent to overpower.

"She was this know-it-all that intimidated me and she was so sure of herself and she'd more than likely debate her opinions with me for hours. Sometimes, I'd just pretend to disagree with her just to let her talk," He chuckles deeply, "And I found myself wanting to see her every time I went round. She'd come back from a date with a guy and we'd critique what he'd ordered at the restaurant or which sweets he chose at the cinema. We'd stay up to finish the movie when everyone had gone to bed and we'd eventually watch the next one because we couldn't resist. In all ways she's way way too good for me but I fell for her,"

You finally manage to speaks as he falls into a silence, "And she fell for you,"

"But there are four boys behind that wall that I care very much about and so do you," Harrison gestures towards the house, "And thats the only reason that I can't act upon those feelings,"

"Haz, if we even tried to start anything between us, we both know the repercussions. We know Tom wouldn't handle things well and who knows about the others. If it goes well between us, we could risk losing what we have with the boys," You explain, "And if it doesn't go well between us, we lose us. And we definitely don't want that,"

"I really do like you (Y/n) but we can't do that to your brothers,"

You shake your head quickly, "So, I say we just keep things as they are. I'm sure we can handle that. Over time it will grow to be normal anyway, right?"

Harrison pauses, lifting up one hand and tucking your hair behind your ear, letting his fingers ghost across your jaw and brush past your neck, "Right,"

You're both interrupted by the boys yelling angrily at the game on TV and you take it as opportunity to snap out of the labyrinth that you'd got lost in in Harrison's eyes.

"We should probably head back in," You comment quickly, hopping up and outstretching your hands to him.

He stays silent and follows you back into the house, welcoming the typical sight of all of the boys crowding around the TV screen.

"What took you two so long?" Paddy asks, eyes not once leaving their focus from the blue lit screen.

"We uh-" You turn and glance once more at Haz, "Just had a bit of a debate,"

"Oh god," Tom laughs, "Just like the old days. Did you lose again, buddy?" He turns to glance at his best friend as Harrison takes the empty seat beside him.

"Always," He mutters, eyes watching only you as you take the other empty seat beside Sam, on the complete opposite side to the boy of focus.

~~~~~~

Tags: @imarypayne @sunshine112 @bringmethehorizonandpizza @supernatural-girl97 @vibhati123 @butithasntkilledyouyet @faefictions @carisi-sonny @trap-house-homiecide @spiderrpcrker @tommydaspidey @oneblckcoffee @darlingtholland @fanficparker @xxtomxo @httpfandxms @jackiehollanderr

[mingi-bubu]

Watch “Youth With You” with Me!

Episode 9 Part 2

aaaannnnnd we’re back!

every time i watch this i feel more and more sad that not every trainee got to debut esp as we narrow down the amount of boyos who’re here

bc theyre all so talented :(

but anyways

my phone’s not plugged in, i have water, my m&ms are gone

as mr long ass ride mark lee himself would say, lezgeddit

there are two?  maybe 3 stages left?

awww yixing is so cuteeee

his and jiang dawei’s greeting was so cutee

REBUILD DSATAEAGE

REBUILD STAGE

REAAKJG;ALKFJ;EAWFPOAWHE

MINGMING IN THIS SUIT HHHHH

kajs;flkds why does wenhan look like a disapproving mother im screaming

oh my goooodddd

hes literally doing the most before competing with bo yuan for it i

prince charming is so extra

everyone just watching him adlfjsdklj

shenshen is literally like the epitome of ......

ok i get that like “the competition is fierce” or w/e but also hanhan looks so soft in that sweatshirt im *pleading emoji*

afdjasdkl; shenshen moving in the background like a crab kills the man

pretty koala UwU

mingze mingze mingze

he holds free rent free realestate in my head

asklkdfl;aksdjf;ads the face that shenshen makes i

bittch me too the fuck

how does mingming look good blurry i hate it here

rabbit teeth baby boy im love himmm

also this is like the first time hanhan is competing for center so this inch resting

i hate them alfjalskdj

“we should stand handsomely”

mingming looking into the camera like hes in the office

falksjdfas;lkjf li zhenning said i am not having any of this shit turn around nerds

kadsj;lfkajsd them saying “i know who yangyang is going to choose”

the WAWWY SHENSHEN’S VOICE CRACKED I LOVE ONE (1) MAN

i love how the boys are imitating yixing 

shenshen is loving this

mingze is having too much fun i love to see it

akdsjf;lkas why cant i get a good picture of wenhan looking like a prince lakjdf;ks

bo yuan almost went into cardiac arrest alkfjalksdj

oh my god shenshen T.T

hes babie

li wenhan is a dramatic rabbit aldkfjaslkd

chunyang baby bbird imlove him

wkeakjskew chunyang what the fuck was that alskljfas

wenhannnnn

shenshennie is the cutest im *smiling face with three hearts*

*insert kermit holding the phone with hearts meme*

al;ksjdfklasdjf at this point i feel liek yangyang is just trying to fuck with wenhan

which

valid

ajsdlkfjadskjf he’’s so disappointed aldjkfslkad

mingze i have a ring just say the word

MIANGASKDJFA;SKLD

MINGZE’S FACE I

its really bully xixi hour in the groupchat

alkdjfaksd

i want a social media au for this stage adksjfskdj

i can jsut imagine them roasting xixi on twitter a ajds;faklsjd

xixi is babie

the proof is in the playback footage alkdfjalksjfd

hes like y e e t  gotta gooo

;lajsf;lkasjfasldk mINGMING OH MY GOD

MINGZE IN THE BACKGROUNADS FLAKDJFL;KADSJF;LKADKJF

bububuubbubu

alkkjfadsk

xixi: “[ymm] bullied me :(”

ymm: “like hell i did”

LI WENHAN DID NOT JUST CALL ZHENNING A SEXY KOALA

....he called himself king of stage

i hate him

i know ive probably mentioned it before but the fact that i get mickey d’s commercials in chinese is kind of hilarious

STAGE TIME STAGE TIME

STAEAGKAW;KLERJEA TIEMA

IM READY

god wenhan looks good

i want to preface this with an i have watched this stage a lot like a lot a lot

*jolin tsai voice* li zhenning

yangyang’s hair oml

mingmign pleaes

mingze pelase

my boys look so good

ugh the floral and gray suit i think abou tthis look A LOT

i cant get over the fact that ash calls xixi chicken legs

shenshen please i love you

wenhan that outfit ugh

LET ME SHOW THE WAY TO UUUU

BEATING ALL THE TRICK FOR YOUUUUU

NO OH OH OH OH

god they look so good

yaaas yangyang!!!

im so proud of him

i cant get over this stage ever its so good

i love everything about it

mingze ugh im so love

his rap is so good please im in love

literally mingming please

god theyre good im T.T

bo yuan with the mf high note we love 

he changxi what the FUCK WAS THAT MOVE

THROUGHT THE FIRE FUCK

UGH I LOVE THIS STAGE

LITERALLY MINGMING LOOKED SO GOOD

YOU GUYS

YOU G U Y S

MY BIAS IS OUT HERE AND I AM SCREAMING

one of my favorite stages i swear to god

awww linmo sipping on his fruit milk drink UwU baobeiii

there we go!!!  got my prince charming picture finally

whoever put him in bright pink lipstick deserves an oscar

that was a genius move and i lvoe it

god that crowd feels too close to the stage for me

home town time!!!!

mingze and wenhan from the same hometown?

mabye anyways

hes from ne china

can i visit shenyang imperial palace please its so pretty pleeeaaaassseee

the strange slope what the fuck thats 

i have to look it up after this so i can find out why it does that

no one knows!?

its one of 3 mysterious mountains apparently in that area

gotta go to shenyang i guess and see it irl

mingze did not adslkjfasdlkjf

zhennings turn and mingze goes “koala, which forest do you live in”

i hate them

arent you from the same company????

weirdos

shenshen smiles so much in this episode i love to see it!

chaoshan steamed vermicelli roll

looks so ooooo good

thats so cute that shenshen got to talk about his local dialects and phrases i love when theyre able to do that!

ramen time ramen time

mc jin is so fun genuinely i do love him and his personality

wish we couldve gotten him for qcyn2

MAZE!!!

wenxuannie-ah

guan yue

wang zhe!

oh my god theyre arranged by height

a;dfjalksdjfasd guan yue just hid ding feijun in the head im screaming

wenxuan looks like he wants to die adlfkjfskl

OH MY GOD I DIDNT REALIZE HE WAS THAT TALL I NEED SEVERAL MINUTES

he’s 6′0

i uh

yeah

so maze!

oh thats right

wenxuan was part of the tinder stage before getting voted out

yikes

uhhhhh

yeah

if he stayed all the yuehua boys wouldve been together for the first time since their audition stage right

yieks

anyways

jesus wenxuan stop being a bitter old man

fl;jkas;lkfdjas f

guan yue: maybe if you ate some fruit you would calm down

gy and dfj are really trying their best to make the other guys feel better but its not working :/

everyone else: complaining

din feijun pretending not to hear them: ANYWAYS

wenxuan literally looks like “if these cameras werent here right now i swear to god”

asdkfjasdklfjasd

chengze i

OH MY GOD

GUAN YUE DIDNT

“IF YOU WANT TO CRY GO CRY IN YOUR DORMITORY” IM

OH MY GOD IM IN LVOE WIT H WENUXANNN

not news but i feel like i needed to restate it

dkasfja;lksdjfasd wang zhe’s i

i die

“you know.  wow.” *soft clap*

everyone else: ......

aodsjfaksld

this is so much funnier than mc jin making zhe mimick him

l;kajds;lfkasdj everyone looks so disappointed

asjdfjaskdfaj;skdl guan yue is so tinieeeeee

i love him

li zonglin is really complimented by the yellow color of the maze group

oh my gooooddd

can i pleaaaassseee hang out with guan yue for like a day???

hes so adorable

i just wanna smooch his forehead and squimpsh him cheeks

lowkey

lowkey

its super cute how guan yue said “from the moment they walked in they were my teammates and so they all have to embrace the childlike happiness of this song”

sorry what the fuck???

is that all we get for the practice for maze???

fucking rude

but anyways

the opening is super nerdy aldkfjsdlkj

oh my god they put a heart in wang zhe’s hair im emo

wenxuan looks good in purple

honestly i think zhe and wenxuan kinda suit this stage a lot

but thats whatever aklfdj

he looks so cuuuuteeee

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME WENXUAN MADE A HEART WITH HIS ARMS AND IQIYI CUT AWAY FROM HIM

CRIMINAL ACT

ugh this stage is so cuteeee

awwww they put little colored somethings in their hair im soooo fucking sofft omg

ak;ldjfakds baobeeeiiii

hes so cuteeee

THEY GAVE HUAIWEI GREEN HAIR FOR TINDER AND IM JJST NOW FINDING OUT

CRIMINAL ACTS ARE OCCURING HERE I SWEAR TO GOD

oh my goddd

wang zhe with the arm heart im emoo

im going to gif the fuck out of this stage on god

oh my god this is the best stage bc its so cuteeee

oh my god the lil paws iiiii

its so cuteee

alkdfjasdklf he’s the big bad monsterrrr im akjfa;lksdj;fasfdk

omg theres a lil heart on zhe’s face too i

guyyysss

this was the best stage of this round bc it was so cute and fun i love it

i would die for any and all of these boys and you can quote me on that

hometown time!!

shi zhan and guan yue are from the same hometown

ooohhh prettyt

ciqikou is a place to visit

aslkldjfalskdjf wenxuan’s “wahow”

they keep zooming in on wenxuan swallowing adlkfjasdl;kjf

shi zhan really said if you find that the small noodles from chongqing taste like anywhere else’s its on sight*

*me eating the noodles

li zonglin and ding feijun are from hong kong!  cool cool cool

i deffo want to go there

me and wenxuan have the same braincell

oooh those foods look so good

next stage!

time stage

longhan looks

GO OD

they really called themselves 8 treasure porridge apparently

my eyes are literally only focused on longhan thoooo

not to be ugh im in love with longhan

but uhhh

:)

ok perhaps my eyes stray a tad to shao haofan but for the most part

longhan focus

if this man starts crying all bets are off

fucking

xu fangzhou is making me cry into my ice cream i HATE IT HERE

fuck is everyone in the training room crying now

shit fine i guess i’ll cry now

yeah we crying

keep scrolling 

if i start laughing i’ll start sobbing even tho this part isnt sad anymore

i literally hate it here

ok stage time

v steampunk opening

xu longhan i *ring emoji*

idk why this is giving me mafia!au vibes but it is

yaaassss sijian omg

fangzhou’s voice is really nice

longhan’s legs are so long

like i knew this but still

im in lvoe with him

thanks for coming ot my tedtalk

fangzhou is really putting his heart and soul into this performance

longhan like

you giuyyys

im sorry i love a man in velvet

i blame yanjun for my love of men in trench coats

fully and 100%

their set was really fucking cool to look at tho

wyh do lian huaiwei keep looking not happy :(

hometown time!

i love them teasing longhan about his accent alkd;jfasldkj

he takes it really well

results time already??

wowowow

who got no. 1 in each team

oh or not ok then

who is that guy?? again the cultural background i do not have

if next episode is another elimination episode i swera to god

anyways!  that’s it for this episode!!!

thank you for reading!!

stay safe and stay healthy <333333

[fluffypotatey]

#i saw sins of the father and started vibrating and i am still vibrating tthis episode is so. i dont even know the word for it#i think just the fact that any. ANY small change couldve literally changed EVERYTHING. like if morgana was in the throne room with uther#instead of leon. or if morgause checked in on them earlier and SAW merlin lying and SAW arthur about to kill uther. fuck idk. if merlin went#to KILGHARRAH instead and took too long to reach the throne room or HEY. IF HE JUST FUCKING REMEMBERED#THAT HE HAS VERY SUCCESSFULLY HELD ARTHUR BACK BEFORE WITHOUT LYING#BUT RATHER JUST BY PUTTING A HAND ON HIS ARM AND REASONING WITH HIM#LIKE SURE HE TRIED BUT THAT FUCKER COULDVE TRIED HARDER. LYING WAS ABSOLUTELY NOT HIS LAST RESORT ISNSJSBSKSNK and tbh i blame gaius for tha#t. like the fact that everyone. EVERYONE knew the way arthur would react if he learned the truth. ALL OF THEM knew hed blow up#anyway sorry im getting off topic. i agree that the episode sort of seems like a universe of itself because its. its such an important episo#de lol. like it toes everything together and it finally reveals the truth to the character who Needs to know it bc he needs it to FULFILL#THE MAIN GOAL OF THE SHOW and then in the last ten minutes theyre like oh lol no sorry nvm this is too quick jk! ~~it was all a lie~~

#its like ending a story with ‘i suddenly woke up and realized it was all a dream’ im crying plsjdnsksnsksnsksn but anyway#my point is that arthur really didnt need a big gradual shift into accepting magic like they were hoping for for the sake of the story#bc the natural progression of his character - as this ep shows - is that if he learns the truth and verifies it#he will act immediately and efficiently. but ofc they couldnt reach the main objective of the show 8 eps into the second season#so we were forced to get character regression and assassination and complete deafening silence plot wise instead#they just didnt introduce characters at the right moments is what i think but i digress#ANYWAY but the thing is i do actually find it believable that neither arthur nor uther would mention it at all again#once arthurs been manipulated back where he started and uthers finally in control again#arthur wouldnt want to mention it bc hes back to believing him and magic killed his mom - but now he ALSO almost killed his DAD bc he let#himself get manipulated - so im assuming that guilt is eating him alive so hed repress it bc Thats How He was Taught To Deal With Emotions#Especially When It Came To Uther. but then also. uther wouldnt want to mention it bc . he came this close to losing everything#he has very vividly seen that arthur Does have a limit and he got Lucky that a serving boy arthur trusts more than anyone decided to help#him. he might not get that next time. like ofc he always knew arthur had a limit but to SEE it probably really jarred him yknow#so i think hed be eager to be nice and affectionate enough just to secure arthurs devotion back to where it used to be. just in case there#were any lingering doubts as you said#anyway. i couldve even forgive all this if they had let arthur learn the truth one day later on or alluded to 2.08 again near the end#but just the fact that they isolated and let such an important (and honestly? EXTREMELY GOOD) episode be forgotten is. insane to me#i cannot believe they actually did that.#anyway im so sorry this is long im so scared the tags are gonna get out of order bc that happened once and this is gonna be jibberish and (@nextstopparis)

never apologize, deary, what you said was beautifully put

God, watched "Sins of the Father" last night and I. Just. Love. How the writers were like, "Ah, yes, let's finish out this episode with the most violent upheaval of Arthur's relationship with Uther. There is no need to mention this again."

Like, yeah, I get it, Merlin lied and stopped Arthur from killing King Cunt, but STILL. It happened. Arthur and Uther have had disagreements before, but those were small potatoes. Arthur challenged his father, the King, to a fight to the death. He was actively trying to kill his father. And that....had no effect on him? Or Uther?

Arthur doesn't always agree with Uther, and he does disobey him when he has to, but I don't think he ever would imagine himself capable of hurting his father, let alone killing him.

And Uther, being the manipulative, abusive piece of shit he is, was probably 100% certain Arthur would never turn on him, the same way any abusive parent is confident in their power over their victim.

But it happened.

And that's just........not important?

bestie.....are you sure you want the open that can of worms with me

------

NO BECAUSE LISTEN I HAVE TOO MANY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT THIS

imma holler @nextstopparis because they have bombass posts and meta about exactly this

anyway

yes bestie so true, we have seen in s1 and s2 that arthur is capable of having a little rebellious streak but not enough to truly slight his father because (despite his shitty and abusive uther is) arthur still loves him. arthur has craved uther's approval since day one. all he gets from uther is stunted shoulder pats and "you're my son" kind of affection. which, you know, explains SO MUCH about why arthur is emotionally constipated, compensates his emotions into hyper-masculinity, and a grade A jock.

we know arthur seeks uther's approval and just wants uther to be proud of him. motherfucker (uther) literally in episode 2 of s1 "stops by Arthur on his way to the stands and speaks to him in a low voice" about he "trust [Arthur] will make [him] proud" like bitch???? way to stress out your child.

tips on how to emotionally abuse/keep your child wanting you love

always makes sure you pressure them into making you proud

place conditions on your love (trust = love = pride for son = no longer disappointed = no longer sees arthur as the cause of ygraine's death oop did i type that)

move them away and speak in a low threatening voice because self image matters and your child would never risk that

undermine your child's worth to exterior factors, aka things your child never had a say in (being a captain/high ranking knight at 15, being the son of your dead wife, telling them to grow up when they literally are acting their age)

enforcing patriarcal ideals such as only encouraging stoicism for arthur because feelings are for weaklings and dismissing morgana's opinions for 'outbursts'

howdy folks! welcome to the uther sucks club and why the hell did bbc just ignore arthur's very understandable anger towards uther in s2 ep8

we will not touch arthur's self loathing blame for his mother's death because i will derail from this post

what happened in s2 ep8???? i'm so glad you asked

it is revealed that uther pendragon's reason for committing genocide for over 20 years boils down to a highly dangerous spell that he forced the high priestess nimueh to cast on his wife (who wasn't aware of the spell in the first place) so she could become pregnant and grant him an heir.

uther, the caricature of the british empire himself, caused the death of his queen then turned around and blamed a whole community of innocent people because "magic is evil and shouldn't be trusted" and "when you know one sorcerer, you know them all"

arthur, daddy issues galore, is understandably pissed and enraged. why, you ask? because for years he believed it was his birth that led to his mother's death

ARTHUR I'm so sorry. YGRAINE You have nothing to be sorry for. ARTHUR It was my birth that caused you to die.

ok so we are actually gonna discuss this

FOR 20 YEARS THIS MAN BELIEVED HIS FATHER'S GRIEF WAS HIS FAULT

AND YOU KNOW WHAT

UTHER NEVER CORRECTED HIM! UTHER NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO CONTRADICT ARTHUR'S INTERNAL STRUGGLE!

WHY YOU ASK????

BECAUSE THEN ARTHUR WOULD STAY LOYAL TO HIM, BECAUSE THEN ARTHUR WOULD DO EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO PROVE THAT HE COULD 'right this old wrong' EVEN THO IT WAS NEVER HIS FAULT!

ahem

and then arthur learns the truth. arthur learns that ygraine's death was never his fault. ygraine's death was all because uther pendragon "was so desperate for an heir". that was all uther cared about.

ARTHUR This is what fuels your hatred for those who practice magic. Rather than blame yourself for what you did, you blame them.

ARTHUR How many hundreds have you condemned to death to ease your guilt?

ARTHUR You speak of honour and nobility! You're nothing but a hypocrite and a liar!

do you think....after arthur learned the truth, he remembered all of morgana's old arguments that went ignored by uther? he could hear her voice, filled with self-righteousness and selfless anger about how uther always placed the blame on others, projected fear and hatred to those who were innocent. do you wonder if arthur thought of morgana as he spewed those words to uther?

and then he is told that morgause lied to him. that the ygraine he saw was actually an illusion meant to divide camelot. arthur is told that the ygraine he saw who told him that holding him was "the most precious" moments of her life was nothing more than a lie.

so, what does mean for arthur? does that mean that it truly was his fault that ygraine died? does he go back to blaming himself?

or

is there still that doubt of his father's ruling that lays restless inside of him? does he watch his father more closely and how he reacts to magic crimes compared to non-magical? does he begin to confide in morgana more because she, too, understand this kind of anger he feels nestled inside of him?

but we don't get that

what we get after this is a week or maybe more of a time skip where gwen is kidnapped and the show tries to further the arwencelot love triangle (and i mean, i'm not against the love triangle, it's just...timing my dude)

it just goes ignored by the show like it wasn't a big deal that arthur was ready to commit regicide (unlike morgana), like it wasn't a big deal that merlin lied to arthur like that and didn't feel conflicted, like it wasn't a big deal that uther's Purge began because of misplaced anger.

no, instead, arthur is back as his snarky and uptight self who never again thinks back to what happened when some big plot is heading his way. and so the show never dives back into that. mentions of arthur's mother don't come back until s4 but that's with agravaine and i do not have the time for that man.

this episode really seemed like it was supposed to lead to a shift in arthur's character, and yet it didn't. it was just...never touched on again and i will never forgive them for that

[nachtgraves]

a++ kuzuhina: maybe the same ship with #4.“I’m flirting with you.”?

Oh my god I am so sorry this took forever and a half BUT I FINALLY FINISHED IT. I experimented with writing a thing told mostly through texting so hopefully it still flows pretty well? It was an experience, I tell you. Also. I apologize for the awful title for this but it was literally the best I could think of.  And I probably should have used time stamps but I’m a dumb and hope extra spacing gives the same effect?

Title: Mis-Texting Could Possibly End in Kissing  // AO3Word Count: ~4200Warnings/Tags: PG. Told through texting with interspersed prose, high school au, hope’s peak still exists, but no despairs, some typos are intentional and let’s pretend the others are too, real minor angst. Hajime is non-italics, Fuyuhiko and the two instances of Chiaki are in italics.

[ughhhhhh][im so bored][she wont stop taking][talking*]

[That’s kind of the point of a presentation]

[nooneasked for ur sass]

Hajimedoesn’t know how it happened, but he and the infamous ‘baby-faced yakuza ofHope’s Peak High’ are texting buddies.

Well.

Maybethat’s not entirely true. He does know how it started, at least.

[heypres][its kuzuryuu][souda gave me ur number][wat do we need for teh fair agian?]

[Sorry, youmight have the wrong number]

[oh][ur not nanmi?][fuck][souda is dead][sorry]

[Noworries. Mistakes happen][But, by Souda do you mean Souda Kazuichi?And did you mean to text Nanami Chiaki?]

[yeah][who r u??]

[Chiaki’s a close friend. Ournumbers happen to be really similar. Hers ends in a 1 instead of a 2]

[ohthanks][srry for the mix up]

[Don’tworry about it. Happens fairly often :p]

Hajimedoesn’t hear back from the stranger for a few days and quickly forgets themix-up even happened. He hadn’t been lying when he said that such thingshappened fairly often, especially since Chiaki was voted as class rep. (She hadbeen so surprised and happy, Hajime thought a new VR game system was announced).Chiaki and him and found it quite amusing and it wasn’t much trouble to fix themistake usually. But one afternoon, he’s cleaning up his room and finds apacket of papers that look important by the large scrawling over the front pagein Chiaki’s loopy handwriting, reading: ‘SCHOOL FEST BUDGET’. He also knowsthat Chiaki wasn’t going to be home for hours, since her school festival wasthis coming weekend and she’s been staying back to organize, plan, and dowhatever it is class representatives do for events like that.

[Hey you left a packet of papers atmine. School fest budget?]

[Chiaki?]

[Goddmannit did u foget to chargeyour phone again?]

Knowingthat if the packet were important, Chiaki would be freaking out (she always putso much pressure on herself, especially since she became class rep), Hajimestares at the packet in his lap. He could run to Chiaki’s high school, butdoubts he would be let in since it was almost sundown and Hope’s Peak High wasone of the more prestigious secondary schools in their district. Hajime himselfgoes to a regular public school a short walk from their neighbourhood.

Staringat his phone, as if it was going to give him an answer, he finds one as hescrolls through his messages. He still has the short conversation from thestranger from Chiaki’s class. It’s worth a shot, at the very least.

[Hey this is Chiaki’s friend HinataHajime. I still had your number from when you mis-texted me and I was wonderingif Chiaki was nearby? She’s not answering her phone]

[yeah][why?]

[I think she forgot something at myhouse. School fest budget?]

[yeah][she thought she lost it][shes asking if u can drop it off at her place][her phone is dead]

[Yeah I cando that][Thanks]

Laterthat night, Hajime is attempting to complete a history essay due the nextmorning when he receives a text. His phone is plugged in by his bed, on theopposite end of where his desk is. He literally jumps at the distraction,hopping into bed and lying back against the pillows propped up against the headboard.

[Thanksfor dropping off the packet.]

[No prob][You need to remember to charge your phone]

[I know. (*_ _) ][How did you have Kuzuryuu’snumber, by the way?]

[The miss-text a few days ago.Figured it was worth a try]

[Thank you. You really saved me.]

Threehours later, it’s inching closer to midnight and Hajime hasn’t returned to hisassignment. Chiaki is not impressed.

[Doyour work.]

[I’m takinga break]

[(￢_￢) You’ve been ‘takinga break’ for three hours. Stop procrastinating and finish your homework.]

[You’re notdoing your homework]

[I finished my homework. I’m makingsure all the plans for the school fair next month are in order.

You’recoming to it, right?]

[Yeah][If I’m not stuck wiht tuorting…][Tutoring*][Can’t you help???]

[You know I’m not that much betterthan you. Sonia helps me.]

[Give me hernumber?][I’m desperate a tthis point]

[That’sa breach of privacy.]

[Chiakiiiiiiiiiii][Please?][I’ll do your Japanese hw next time?]

[No.]

[JapaneseAND math?]

[Tempting.But good night, Hajime.]

[Chiaki][Chiaki][Chiaki come back][Chiakiiiiii][What kind of friend are u?]

It’stimes like this Hajime sometimes wishes he was closer to some of hisclassmates. He’s not a loner, but he’s definitely a drifter of sorts. He has peopleto talk to and sit with at lunch, but rarely does he spend time with hisclassmates outside of school or for non-school related activities. Because ofthat, he’s not close enough to anyone to randomly message them at close tomidnight for homework help.

Justas he’s trying to figure out a solution – since it’s far too late to actually do his work like the goodstudent he only sometimes is, his phone goes off. And this, is the true startof everything.

[cmon i’ll pay u][and by pay i mean not break ur fucking teeth with my fist]

[Wrongperson?][Hopefully, at least]

[fuck][sorry][yeah][i meant to text the person above u in my message list thing]

[Everythingokay?]

[yeahjust some shitty hw]

[You too?][I have this awful history essay due tomorrow]

[historyis whatever][math is killing me]

[Math isn’ttoo bad][At least there’s always just one answer]

[historyand english u just bs tho]

[But it’sso subjective][Everything depends on something else]

[wannatrade then?]

Andthat is how Hajime found himself a homework buddy. Kuzuryuu is good at Englishand history, while Hajime’s strengths lie in math and science, and the both ofthem were pretty good at Japanese. One night of texting back and forth, helping(dipping into the realm of ‘academic dishonesty’ on occasion) with theirrespective assignments. They say goodnight close to dawn, but Kuzuryuu had stayedup long after his homework was complete and waited and helped Hajime until hewas done as well.

Fromthen on, Hajime would find himself texting back and forth with this boy he’snever met. At first, they exclusively went to the other for homework help, buteventually Hajime would send Kuzuryuu a short text about something funny that hadhappened (a cat attacking some dumb kids that were trying to taunt it) andKuzuryuu would send him a rant about something that annoyed him (old womenthinking that he’s younger than he is or a police officer asking if he’s losthis parents) and it snowballs into them casually texting throughout the day,particularly during boring presentations that no one, including the personpresenting, cared about.

[Payattention and stop distracting me]

[potnd kettle][stop looking at ur phone during class]

[Shush][I’m bored too]

[fuckinquit the holier than thou then][i can ignore u][nd u can be bored alone]

[Youwouldn’t do that][Who’d you distract if not me?]

[plentyof pple][ur lucky i deign to talk to u]

[Yeah][I’m sooo grateful]

[ushould be]

[Stilldoubt that you could ignore me]

[fuckintry me]

[Is that achallenge?]

Kuzuryuulasts all of until the end of the school day. Hajime can be quite theannoyance.

[jfc ur gonna break my phone]

[I win :D]

[uwin a fist to the face when i see u]

[Are wegoing to meet up then?][So eager to see me :P]

[Kuzuryuu?]

[I’m sorryif I made it weird]

[nahi had to hide my phone fr a bit][ur the one who sounds too happy bout gettinghis face smashed]

[You’re tooviolent][How do you have firneds if you treaten to hurt htem all the time?]

[nicetypos]

[Hush. Atleast I use proper grammar most of the time]

[yshould i waste my time with shit like that?]

[Forlegibility][I got to go][Got phys ed :/][Save me]

[ihope u have to run laps the entire time]

[You areevil]

Hope’sPeak’s festival comes and goes one weekend. As usual, it is a busy event due tothe school’s prestigious standing. Hajime, as promised, visits Chiaki’s class,doing an interactive murder mystery café of sorts where customers are givenclues with their orders to figure out the murder of a prop set up in the centerof the classroom. He finally meets some of Chiaki’s classmates whom she’stalked about and apparently she’s talked to them about him in return. However,and though he won’t admit it to anyone other than Chiaki if hard pressed, hekeeps his ears open for the name Kuzuryuu and is disappointed to realize thathis texting buddy was nowhere to be seen.

(“Kuzuryuu?We sent him to go advertise with Koizumi and Saionji,” says Sonia. “Do you twoknow each other?”

“Uh,he mis-texted me once,” Hajime replies. He redirects further questions awayfrom him and towards what they used to make the neon pink blood for the fakecrime scene.)

Hajimemay have lingered around for a bit until he couldn’t justify staying and beinga distraction any longer. By the time he leaves to go back home, he’s exchangednumbers with a few of them with vague promises to meet up some time and hangout. Even as he leaves the school, weaving past the steady stream of peoplestill entering the premise, his eyes roam for individuals advertising forChiaki’s class. He returns home to his books and TV without having met aKuzuryuu.

[You guysdid a good job at your school fest]

[uwent?]

[I promisedChiaki]

[u2 datin or somthn?]

[God no][We’ve known each other forever]

[doesntmean u havnt dated]

[Ew][She’s practically my sister]

[heardu got numbers frm some girls in my class]

[Oh yeah][Are Sonia and Mioda always like that?]

[annoying?][obnoxious?][preppy?]

[Haha][Your class seems really cool]

[seems][u dont see them 5 days a week]

[I bet your classmates have thingsto say about you too]

[maybe][but they wouldnt live for long if they say anything]

[Hahahawhat are you, the yakuza?]

[Kuzuryuu?]

[uhavent looked me up?]

[Why wouldI?][And you’ve never told me your first name]

[uwouldnt need my first name][but its fuyuhiko]

[You’re not pulling oneover on me are you?]

[i go to hopespeak idiot][sonia’s a motherfucking princess][nd y woud i joke about that?]

[You’re not going to send people after me for makingfun of you, are you?]

[ur entertainingfor now]

[Oh ha ha][Glad I amuse you]

[Wait][Oh my god][Is this you?][[image]]

[u got somethingto say?]

[No][Just][Not what I was expecting]

[think carefullybout ur words hinata]

[I thought I wasentertaining?]

[toys can getbroken]

[Now that’s uncalled for][I didn’t even say anything about how adorable you look]

[HINATA]

[It’s true though!][You can’t call a hit on me for being truthful]

[just shut up][y did i tell you to look me up][yd u look for pictures?]

[Curiosity][We’ve been talking for a while now and we don’t even know what the other lookslike]

[Kuzuryuu?][Did you know what I looked like?]

[bein cautious isimportant]

[Omg you looked me up][What horrible pictures did you find???]

[[image]]

[That’s from Chiaki’s fb!]

[not that hard]

[I TRIED TO FIND YOU ONFB THOUGH]

[securitysettings]

[Oh][Point]

It’snot too long after that Hajime receives a friend request from one KuzuryuuFuyuhiko. He hits accept almost embarrassingly fast and proceeds to exploreKuzuryuu’s newly unveiled profile with the eagerness of a stalker given an inchand taking a mile. There’s not much to explore, the other boy doesn’t seem touse the website very much, which honestly does not surprise Hajime though hecan’t help but feel a little disappointed.

[The last time you were active onfb was almost a year ago][And it was a profile pic update][That you didn’t even upload??]

[soudand sonia hacked my account][sonia was offended my profile pic was like 2 yrs old][koizumi has a fuckton of pics of ppl][nd i was 2 lazy 2 change it]

[It’s agood picture of you]

 [thanks]

Uponadding Kuzuryuu, Hajime’s flooded by friend requests from Chiaki’s otherclassmates and ends up talking semi-regularly with them. Kuzuryuu and him stilltext each other practically daily, to the point Chiaki comments on it whenHajime is over at hers to help her complete co-op achievements for a game she’syet to 100 per cent.

(“Youand Kuzuryuu seem to really get along.” Chiaki glances pointedly at Hajime’sphone as it buzzes several times, Kuzuryuu’s name flashing on the screen.

Hajimeshrugs noncommittedly, and is oddly relieved that the game finishes loading andthey’re thrust into a horde of mutant creatures.)

Evenhis classmates notice he’s on his phone a lot more often during and betweenclasses.

(“Gota girlfriend, Hinata?”

Frowning,Hajime shakes his head, “No, why?”

“You’realways on your phone texting and smiling down at it.”

Hajime’ssure his face has never been more red and when, moments later, he gets a textfrom Kuzuryuu complaining about the apparent Souda-Sonia-Tanaka love trianglethat should just turn into a threesome, he realizes his face does indeed moveon its own.)

[Oh my godhelp]

[what’dyou do?]

[Gave into peer pressure and wentto a goukon with some classmates -_-][I’m hiding in the bathroom][But I’ll have ot go back out there][:c]

[urnot drinking r u?][ur not 20]

[A yakuzaheir is against underage drinking?]

[udidnt answer]

[No one’sdrinking][We’re at a karaoke place][But htank you for caring c:]

[shutup][u dont usually go out w/ ur classmates]

[Yeah][Some of them have been teasing me about a girlfriend so I mostly just went sothey’d shut up]

[girlfriend?][u said u nd nanami werent dating]

[We’re not][They think you’re my secret girlfriend]

[?]

[Apparently I smiled while textingor something][And I’ve been on my phone more often][And you’re the only person I really text during class so]

[oh]

[Yeah, funny right?][Wonder what they’d think if they knew I was texting buddies with the heir tothe Kuzuryuu clan lmao][Though some ofthem already give me shit for being close to Chiaki just cuz shegoes to Hope’s Peak][They think you guys are snobby elitests just cuz you go to a prestigiousschool and we’re just public school kids][But you guys arent tat different][Just different talents and families][Woops sorry][Didn’t mean to get all ranty][Ugh I gotta go][Can’t hide here forever]

Afterthe goukon, which wasn’t horrible but neither was it all that enjoyable, Hajime’splunged into preparations for his school’s culture festival and upcoming exams. He’s barely had timeto text Kuzuryuu other than short greetings and the occasional tidbit from hisday that the other boy would find amusing. He misses their daily conversationsand when he finally has some down time, the day before the culture festival,he’s holed up in his room and on his phone while he catches up on TV shows onhis laptop.

[Hey longtime no chat][I’ve finally got free time again!]

[yea][school stuff?]

[Yeah][Every teacher decided to have everything due weeks early so we weren’toverwhelend when finals come around][Kill me -_-]

[shouldnt u be spending ur free timew/ ur gf stead of talking to me?]

[What?]

[ugot a gf or whatvr after that goukon][didnt u?]

[No?][Where’d you hear that?]

[therewas a pic on fb][u were tagged][it showed up on my feed]

[I haventbeen on fb recently][Lemme check]

[Oooooh][Yeah no][I wasn’t even aware this was taken][And the comments are baseless][I barely spoke to her][There was no ‘chemistry brewing’]

[shescute tho]

[Yeah Iguess?][Objectively][But not really interested][She doesn’t go to my school][And we met for like five seconds]

[datingimplies getting to kno eachother]

[Yeah but][Idk][Just nothing clicked?][And I wasn’t even looking for anything going to the thing either so][What about you?]

[watabout me?]

[You thinkshe’s cute][She your type?]

[no]

 [Am I notgetting more than that?]

[i’mmore into a dif set of anatomy]

[?????]

[shesnot a he]

[Oh][OH][You’re]

[homo]

[Oh]

[ifthats a problem u should delete my number]

[NO][Not a prob at all][Sorry][Just surpside][Supreied][SURPRISED][Fuck][I’m sorry]

[usaid that alredy]

[Well I am][Could have responded better]

[couldaresponded worse][so][not a prob?]

[Coursenot][That’d be stupid for one][And hypocrtical for antoher]

[hypocritical?]

[I’m bi][Or pan][Idk][Still nto sure about the difference tbh][Nd I have a friend who’s ace]

[nanami?]

[I cannot divulge something that isnot mine to tell]

[she let it slip when we werecleaning up after culture fest][sonia and mioda bugged her bout if u two were dating][hanamura wanted to know bout ur sex life]

[Hanamurascares me][And yes to Chiaki being my ace friend]

[hanamurascares everyone][u basically gave it away with ur notanswr answer]

[Shedoesn’t care][But I still didn’t actually confirm or deny][Because that would be rude][(◡‿◡✿)]

[fuckoff][dont u dare start using those kaomoji things like nanami]

[(。・ω・。)][( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)][*｡:ﾟ+\(^‿^✿)]

[imgonna block u]

[(◕‸◕✿) *pout*]

Theydon’t re-visit the topic of sexuality again and settle back into their frequentback and forth texting. Hajime’s still teased at school but once he finallycaves and lets his classmates know that he is not texting a girl, but a boyfrom Chiaki’s class at Hope’s Peak, all interest in his affairs are lost.

Winteris fast approaching and with that comes the school culture festivals foreveryone other than Hope’s Peak, who have their festival earlier because no onewould go to any other school event if Hope’s Peak is allowing outsiders to touraround. Hajime’s class decides what to do rather quickly since no one’s allthat interested in putting too much effort, but Hajime still ends up being runragged with the rest of his class in the last minute preparations.

[I hateculture fests]

[culturefest?]

[Yeah][My school’s one is coming up][My class is doing a butler/maid cafe][Because we are simple public school students who don’t have the resources forpink blood]

[I was kidding][Your class’ murder cafe was the best thing I’ve ever seen][Thouhg I admit I had high expectations since you guys do go to Hope’s Peak]

[it was nanami’s idea][nd hanamuras a creep but good cook][nd sonias gotta 1up everyone nd dished out money so we could go way overbudget]

[Haha][But it was great][I had a lot of fun]

[Btw][Your birthday’s coming up right?]

[no][y?]

[Is yourbirthday not during the winter?]

[itsin aug]

[But yourname is FUYUhiko]

[ndmy sis is natsumi but her birthdays in march]

[But][That doesn’t make sense]

[blameour parents]

Hajime’sculture festival comes and goes. It goes fairly well in his opinion, even ifhis butler uniform ended up shrinking in the wash and it was too late to fix. He’spretty sure his pants were borderline indecent with how tight they were and thefact that he had felt far too many eyes on his ass and crotch region during theday was not comforting in the least. No real disturbances occurred though, other than when Chiaki came by and was recognizedby video game enthusiasts and Hope’s Peak admirers.

[thoughtu were doing a butler cafe not a host club]

[?????]

[[image]]

[Where didyou get that???]

[ihave my sources][could u not find pants that werent 3 szies too small?]

[It shrankin the wash okay][But oh god][Did I look that bad all day???][Kill me]

[udidn’t look bad][how many ppl asked u out this time?]

[None??][Though now I know why girls kept giggling when I turned my back][I don’t know if I can show my face at school again]

[theywere prob giggling cuz u have a nice ass]

[Ha ha]

[urnot ugly idiot][i bet tons of girls are crushing on u at school][nd guys][im surprised ur single]

[Shut up][If it’s a surprise anyone is single it’s you][You’re funny, snarky, smart, and really attractive][And you pretend like you’re relaly grumpy and antisocial][But when Chiaki talks about school and you come up you’re always taking part][And the fact that you’re secretly really toned][Like seeing those beach pictures on Koizumi’s fb][Oh my god][And your eyes][If they look that gorg in candid photos I don’t want to imagine in rl][And I’m just this normal whatever][Mediocre in every way]

[Uh][Pretend I never said all that?]

[didu fb stalk me on other ppl’s fb?][nd ask nanmi to spy on me for u?]

[No]

[Maybe][No to the spying][Maybe I would ask about you though?][I’m sorry]

[ur not mediocre][wanna talk about pretty eyes?][and secretly toned bodies?][if u wore clothes that didnt swallow u][ud be batting away pple who wanna date/fuck u][nd ur eyes are the ones that are gorg and unique][u have any idea how many times ive thought of wanting to see em in person?][nad how nanami talks about u all the time][i knew of u before the whole mistexting crap][but as nanmi’s annoying notboyfriend][and now i get hwy she praises u so much][anyone would be lucky to go out with you][ur stupidly nice and considerate][but also a sarcastic little shit u cant hate]

[You don’t need to say nice thingsto me just cuz I made a fool of myself just now]

[imflirting wth u dumbass]

[Oh]

Hajime is typing…

Hajime is typing…

[uever gonna finish ur reply]

[I’mpanicking][Give me a break][I don’t know how to respond]

[fine][go on a date with me?][ y ( ) n ( )]

[How did Inever realize how dorky you are]

[fuckinjust anser or ill punch ur stupid face]

[Maybe I’drather you kiss it]

 [andi’m a dork?][fucking loser]

[Shut up][You didn’t say no though]

[ustill havent answered me]

[You first]

[fucku i asked first]

[I askedsecond]

[HINATAI S2G I WILL SHANK U]

[I’m sorry][I default to annoying when im embbarsed and dont know waht im doing][I want you to kiss me. I want to kiss you][So yes please]

[yesor no woulda been fine][dork]

“…”

“…”

“…”

“What?”Kuzuryuu finally snaps.

“This is a lot harder in person,”Hinata laughs weakly. And it really is. Especially because Kuzuryuu is even cuter in person and Hajime didn’tthink that could be possible. Also, the skinny jeans and casual button downcombo he’s sporting makes it hard for Hajime to look anywhere at the boy’s bodywithout blushing. He’d been so excited to finally meet up, expecting to fallinto conversation as easily as they do while texting, but one look at Kuzuryuuwaiting by the entrance of the movie theater, scowling at everyone who’d lookat him, had wiped most of the vocabulary in Hajime’s brain.

“Younever shut up when we text,” Kuzuryuu grumbles.

“It’snot my fault you’re even cuter in person and I forgot everything I wanted tosay.” Kuzuryuu scowls but he also turns redder than before. “See! If you canstop being so adorab—”

“Hinata,I swear if you call me c-cute or a—that, again you’ll wish I sent Peko afteryou.”

“Peko?”

Kuzuryuugives him a look that is equal parts fond and exasperated and a littlebewildered. “You could have found so much about me just from a few google searches.”

Hajimejust shrugs and looks down at his feet, “Yeah, but I’d rather get to know youby actually talking to you.” When he looks up, Kuzuryuu’s facing away but notenough to completely hide the fact that his cheeks and ears are tinged a darkpink-red, especially since Hajime’s got a 22cm height advantage. Hajime grins.“C’mon, we’re going to be late for the movie.”

Whenhe reaches forward and grabs Kuzuryuu’s hands, he files away the squawkingnoise the shorter boy emits as he tugs him along towards the movie theater. Inall honesty, Hajime wouldn’t be able to tell anyone about the movie they saw –he believes it was an action flick – since Kuzuryuu decided to pay back the handholding with a game of gay chicken that led to some intense public displayingof affection. They’re lucky the theater was mostly empty and they chose seatstowards the back. Hajime’s mental notes of Kuzuryuu by the end of the movieinclude several points relating to the plushness of Kuzuryuu’s lips, the factthat Kuzuryuu’s palate is quite the sensitive spot, and that Kuzuryuu has totry extremely hard to remain quiet.

[one-shoop]

I just had basically a panic attack or whatever over my dad calling for dinner. Oh but who would guess being singled out by a scream "FLOOOOOF! COME EEEAT!" every freaking night and told "COME ON HONEY" and "DID YOU HEEEEAR?" "FLOOOOOF?" "FLOOOF? ANSWEEEER?" doesn't give me, the girl who's terrified of eating to the point where she skips meals almost everyday, panic attacks. Dear god i cant freaking eat dad, I CANT EAT BECAUSE IT TRIGGERS MY GODDAMN OCD. But nooooooo. Apparently nobody bothered to ask me my triggers or even do some research after my diagnosis. And forgive me lord if Im not enthusiastic about explaining it myself becase EVERY GODDAMN TIME I TOLD SOMEONE THEY FORCED ME TO DO IT ANYWAYS. Told me "but the food is gooood" and "come oon, you need to eeeeeat" like i stg i'm so fucking tired

Of people telling me for an hour and a half to come fuck myself over with triggers and panic all the way and not be able to eat and be ashamed of myself and feel weak and unable to do anything. Like Jesus guys IT TRIGGERS MY OCD. MEANING THAT I CANT FUCKING EAT PEACEFULLY. I SONT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK IF ITS GOOD OR NOT. ITLL SCARE ME TO FUCKING HELL.

And yeah, for supportive parents they sure are doing the fucking lords job right? After fucking up myself to ask fir help thar never vame and was always denied or stripped to its bare minimums then told to accept that as tje ultimate help, I finally ficking tet someone who validates me and gives me a diagnosis. Ans yoy funky get fuckjng told to your faces that FORCING KIDS TO FACE THEOR FEARS IS THE WORST THING FOR THEIR HEALTH. And MAYBE if you knew anything at fucking all you'd fucking realize that when I HAVE NEVER ASKED FOR HELP OUT OF FEAR OF BEING SHAMED FOR IT, maybe is your fault???? And maune it impedes on mh recovery???? And maube i shouldn't be the only one to fucking take stepd to retake that???? Im all foe fu king getting the help I gucking need but for fucks sake cant any of you look like you can more for, I dunno, fucking parenting, other than whatever fycking meal you're having???? Is it roo kuch to ask to help me retake my right to asking for the hospital since its been mentioned at that same fucking meeting we talk about that I've tried asking for goddamn help and you said no????

Like you had a goddamn professional tell you that WHEN YOUR KIDS WANT HELP, YOU CANT DENY IT. And that by pretending that I jad to tough it up, you fucked me up way more. And thw most I got was a half assed sentence of "BUT IM PLACING ALL THE BLAME ON MYSELF, ITS UNHEALTHY" as fucking soon as the goddamn bells rang.

Like you had the nerve to ACXUSE ME of NOT asking for help and fucking NOT telling you anything. Ans believe it or not I STILL FUCLING THOUGHT THAT about a second ago. But honestly? WHY THE FUCK SHOULD ANULNE BE HONORABLY FORCED TO ASK FOR HELO THAT TJEU KNOW WILL NEGER VOME??? JUST SO YOU CAN SAY I WAS THE PERFECT VICTIM WHO STILL BELIEVED IN YOU???? BECAUSE AFTER ALL THIS CRAP, AFTER BEING TOLD THE TRUTH, THE FIRS TTHING IM TOLD WHEN WE GET OUT IS THAT I NEED "TO TRUST YOU MORE"? AND "TELL YOU ABOUT MY FEELINGS?" am I someone's fucking puppet here??? Do you just want ro ficking play with me until youre done?????

Like what the fuck???? YOU THOUGHT I "DID THE WRONG THING" BY NOR ASKING COR HELP. BUT YOU SONS OF DEMONS, YOU HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN YOUR PHILOSOPHY WAS THAT FUCKED UP PIECE OF MENTALITY FROM THE GODDAMN FARK AGES THAT YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR KIDS TO FUCK OFF. OKAY??? YPU KNEW THAT ENOIGJ TO EXPLAIN IT IN BARF-INCUDING CLARITY HOW APPARENTLY ONE SINGLE GUCKING BOOK ON ANXIETY IN KDIS WAS ENOUGB TO RID YOU OF YOUR ENTIRE HUMAN BRAIN AND SUDDENLY IT DIDNT MATTER HOW MUCH WE CRIED AND BEGGED AND GELT ALONE AND NEEDED YOUR SHIR COMFORT, TOU DIDNT CARE???? WELL FUESS WHAT???? THE FIRS TTHING YOU TELL ME WHEN SHE SPEAKS, BLESS THWT DOCTIR, IS THAT I DONT EVEN ASK FOR HELP. and bless me I told them YO I ASKED FOR THE HOSPITAL AND YOU TOLD ME I WASNT SICK ENOUGH. AND YOU BOTH HAD THE GODDAMN MIND TO REFUTE IT. UNTIL MOM TOLD DAD TO STOP BEXAUSE "SHES RIGHT, ITS OUR FAULT, OUR BAD".

Like what the fuck??? Tou already knew that you wouldn't have given any help anyways??? Why the fuck am I even supposed to fucking ask??? Why did you EVER tell me to ask??? Was ir so you could feel fucking welcome??? So you could feel so fucking badass and awesome telling me the goddamn word of light exquisite and God Almighty in his tree in heaven that "FIND AOLUTIONS AND STOP CRYING"???? OR, NO, WAIT, EZCUSE ME, WAD I SUPLOSED TO COME SEE YOU SO YOU COULD PEP-TALK ME INTO FUCKING OFF FROM FEELINGS LAND AND "FIND SOLUTIONS"??? Did you want to feel like you gave me comfort without actually giving me some??????

Like what the fuck???????????? And -- why the FUCK foes it STILL appear smart tp tell me to fucking TELL YOU SHIT? GUYS I TOLD TOU MORE SHOT I WAS LEGALLY ONLIGATED TO. YOU CAME TO MEET MY THERAPISTS. YOU GOT THE BRIEFINGS WITH ME WHEN I INVITED YOU. YOU GOT TO SEE MY PSYCHIATRIST, AND MY DOSSIER, AND MY MEDS. I TOLD YOU I NEEDED A LISTENING EAR AND NOT AFVICE, I TOLD YOU I FELT SCARED SOMETIMES OF EATING, I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY OBSESSIONS, I ASKED YOU IF I COULD GO TO BE HOSPITALIXED BECASUE OCD GOT TOO BAD.

And you laughed at my fuccking obsessions. When i was a kid my biggest trigger was barfing, and bile. And guess fucking what? You fucking laughed around and invented the worst fucking single thing ever to say "fuck you get better" which was switching the goddamn syllables together and fuckinf singing it to me like it was fine now. Fucking laughing at me whenever ai had goddamn panic attacks. I diagnosed my own goddamn trigger at, what, ten? BUT I NEGER ASKED FOR HELP BECAUSE YOU FUCKINF LAUGHED AT ME EVERYTIME I CLOSED MY EYES AND MY EARS AND PANICKED TO CHANGE THE TOPIC. I WAS FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. I COULD NOT BEAR IT. AND WHEN YOU SAW A TERRIFIED CHILD, YOU SID NOTHING EXCEPT LAUGH AND SAY "there, now they're done with talking, tou can stop closing your ears now". YOU FUCLING NOTICED JN THE WORST WAY POSSUVLR. I REGRET SHOWING YOU THE FIRST ENTRY I MADE ON THIS. I WAS SO ASHAMED OF IT. I THOUGHT IT EAS WRONG. OR SHAMEFUL. AND -- GUESS WHAT? I THOUGHT IT WAS YNIQUE TO MEZ TOO. IT WA THE SINGLE MOSR SCARY TJING IN MY EXIDTENCE. MY CHEST BURNED AND SQUINTED AND I FELT JOT AND I CRIED AND VRIED AND BEGGED AND YELLED IN MY HEAD FOR PEOPLE TO STOP, IN THE BUS, AT SCHOOL, AT HOME. AND IF YOUD BEEN SLIGHTLY GIOD AT YOUR FUCKINF JOB I MOGHT HAVE TOLD YOU FUVKASSES. BHT NO. AND GUEDS WHAT? UNLESS WHST YOUVE FUCKING TOLD ME, BEING IN PAIN IS NOT ONLY VALID OR UNSHAMEFUL WHEN YOU ASK ADULRS WHAT TO DO. FOR HOW FUCLING LONG HACE I BEEN TOLD THAT PAIN DOESNT MATTER UNLESS AN ADULT IS ON THE CASE? HOW LONG HACE U WANRED SOMEWHRRE WHERE GODDAMN ADULTS DIDNT FUCK YOU OVER? DIDNT CONTR EVERY THOUGHT YOH HAD? WHERE SAYING "YOURE WRONG" ISNT AN INSULT? WJERE KIDS ARENT JUST DENIED A COICE BECAUSE THEYRE KIDS?

Ughhhhh.how many times should I get convinced that your help is worth crap? That searching for your goddamn advice and "comfort" is of any goddamn help? That what shit you give me is actually good enough?? What this it worth my time? That I should be looking at myself??? That i should be squinting and hating myself???? That I'm not worth saving??? That -- goddamnit. God fucking samn jt. Goddamnit im so done with all these excuses. I'm so fucking -- I wanted help, I wanted love, I wanted excuses and loce and light and fear and farkness and friends and family and I cant even talk anymore. I cant talk from myf eeljngs anu.kre. I have ti go on goddamn instinct because my goddamn vortex is fucked up. I realize I eas incpaable of having a mental nature by myself at 8. When I eas alone, I couldn't feel anything. I felt aimless, I just felt nothing. I couldnt bring myself to feel anything. I ducking mtocied that, and yes, tou noticed to, but your goddamn reaction was to tell me to get a life and stop obsessing about that friend I used to play with and just learn to do shit myself and do shit on my own. (Basically, to my own stupid ass brain, this trainwreck of a sentence means I was like a kid who needed autonomy from their parents and needed to learn their life was their own.) Bur yeah!!!! Whenever I was alone I didnt give a shit!!!! I felt aimless!!! Lost!!! Shitty!!!!! And when I first saw myself as a disgusting hump of crap I was 10, I wss running happily and sang a song about witches ans I saw myseld in my head and god I looked like garbage and I hated it. I hated what I looked like. I resented the idea that people had to see me. I thought, why do people even stay with me, I'm disgusting. I can never pinpoint the reason becauee yes, my brain is that fucked-up. Someday it will be back.

But seriously. Does anyone else have old stores from early teens where everyone kept fuclibg Escalon without telling their parents?where kids didnt go home? Where the bes tthi g ws just leaving forever? Anyone think the second arc of Warriors was the bestBEXAUE THEY LEAVE and you KNOW they'll leave and you KNOW things are always better and sorry Leafpaw bur I hated tour arc like goddamn shit itself because SCREW THE CLANS, I hate them and I wanted ro leave anywhere that ft like home.

What do kids feel about their homes? Do fhey ever wish they moved? Do they ever seriously ask themselves why the fuck anyone would want to live here? Do they find it unnapealing? Are you supposed go be HAPPY to come home after a trip? Are you supposed to feel completely shitty from coming back, like a failure? Like you weren't supposed to come back, you were supposed to stay awau forever?

Did any kids have zero track of time? Did any kids watch old videos from babytime and realize that there's just something fucking terrifying about it without knowing fucking why?

I saw a kid watch a video on repeat of her dad doing something random like, an old baby recording from when the kud was running in the hallway and he caught her. She watched it on repeat for so, so long , until her phone stopped working I think. And i Remember being touched in a way I neger knew possible, and telling myself from the top of my ripe old 13th year, well thars not something ive ever done or wanted to do. I remember going, why the fuck would you do that? Aren't you happy hes gone? Aren't you happy to be gone?

I remember being straight terrified of my paternal grandmother at 5 only to realize yeara later that she used to be violent and terribly abusive to everyone. I remember being terrified of my aunt's husband, and feeling something undescribable that felt lile a stabbing wound in my aunt's eyes, until I finally learned that he used to beat her. I remembwr hating Éric Salvail for some reason and being really u comfortable around him until BAM, guess who was a goddamn creep and sexual harrassment pro? This guy. I remember so many fucking things that made me uncomfortable and it turned out to be right, about people at least.

But I remember hating my own picture for as long as I can remember. My face unsettles me. I never fully write why, or go to the end of my thoughts. I have problems, I know. I hope knowing what they are will help.