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collaredsoldat · 3 months ago

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Shower Suds.

summary: You give Soldat his first bath out of captivity.

a/n: This wasn't supposed to be so long, but somehow it always happens when I write about him. Something sorta comforting with some recovery thrown in there. Unedited because I worked on this for so long lol ignore mistakes please! ;; wc: 5.8k

Filthy. You felt bad, really.

There was a lot of problems to tackle with Soldat's condition, but first thing's first...the soldier needed a bath. Badly.

He was dirty, his hair knotted, matted, greasy, his skin was covered in sweat and dirt, probably blood under the black uniform he still wore. The poor man stunk, and he didn't seem to even notice. Or care.

You found yourself in a bit of a hard situation, unsure of the best approach to cleanse him. A bath seemed problematic; he would essentially be marinating in his own grime, which was far from ideal. Would he sit for that long? Would he fight you? You weren't entirely positive.

On the other hand, a shower presented its own set of challenges. Your observations over the past days had revealed his struggle with prolonged standing. He didn't seem to want to stand for very long and often sat or laid down when he could. The majority of his time was spent either huddled in the furthest corner of the room or barricaded within the confines of the small closet, as if seeking refuge from an unseen threat.

As you mulled over the options, weighing the pros and cons of each, you ultimately figured a shower would be better in terms of cleanliness…if anything, you could have him sit in the bottom of the tub. Better than sitting in dirty water with the increased possibility of infection.

But there was one problem. How the hell would you get him into the bathroom in the first place?

You took a breath in, preparing for the worst, and went to the room he stayed in. It was the spare room in your apartment you barely used, but had been furnished as a bedroom in case someone you knew needed a place for a night or something. Not that you ever figured your friends would want to stay with you, you didn't have many to begin with. When you came in, your eyes scanned the room until they landed on him, spotting him huddled up in the corner like expected.

He didn't look up at you when you walked in, his gaze fixed downward and obscured by the curtain of his long, unkempt hair. The stillness that enveloped him was almost unnerving. Only when you took a few steps closer did he react, his head snapping up at you. His eyes bright blue against the dark, messy ink that surrounded them, like he tried to smudge off the black paint but failed.

You took another step forward, your movements slow and deliberate. You could see the change in his demeanor immediately with your approach, even as careful as it was; his breathing became more rapid and shallow, his chest rising and falling at an accelerated pace like he was preparing to be harmed.

"It's okay," you murmured softly, your voice barely above a whisper. Your hand extended slightly, palm open to try to soothe him. Carefully, you lowered yourself to his level, bending your knees until you were crouching before him. This position, you hoped, would make you appear less imposing and more approachable.

In the few days he had been in your care, you had begun to discern patterns in his behavior, learning to recognize the subtle cues that indicated his comfort level. You had started to understand which actions he perceived as threatening and which ones helped him feel more at ease. It was a delicate balance, one that required patience and constant observation, but you were determined to create an environment where he could begin to feel safe and secure.

"I think...a bath sounds nice. Doesn't it?" You asked him softly, smiling slightly to show you weren't intending to do any sort of harm. "It will feel good to clean off all that dirt...nice and warm water too...you've been shivering." You noted how cold he appeared to be, he was still latched in his cold clothes from when you found him. You were surprised the uniform kept in water.

He remained motionless, prompting you to reluctantly take a step backwards to leave him alone, you’d try later. As you turned away, the faint sound of movement caught your attention. Glancing back, you saw the soldier had risen to his feet, his eyes fixed upon you with an air of expectancy. "Would you like to come and shower?" you inquired, your voice barely above a whisper.

"Да." His voice was a harsh, grating sound, reminiscent of shattered glass scraping against parched earth. It was as though he hadn't uttered a word or tasted a drop of water in an eternity. Despite the brevity and roughness of his reply, it carried a weight of affirmation. You found yourself oddly relieved by this simple acknowledgment. It wasn't much, but in that moment, it felt like a significant step forward. The fact that he had agreed seemed like a small victory.

You had him in the bathroom. That was a good thing.

You pivoted slowly to face him, your gaze carefully scanning his imposing figure. For behaving so meekly, he was an intimidating body to be this close to. Your eyes meticulously traced the contours of his suit, lingering on the intricate array of tactical belts and buckles that adorned his outfit. Each piece seemed to serve a specific purpose, hinting at the dangerous nature of his profession. Your hand tentatively reached out, fingers trembling slightly as they approached one of the sturdy buckles.

Your action was met with an immediate and startling response from the soldier. His metal hand shot up with inhuman speed, grasping your wrist tightly, the cold metal a stark contrast to your warm skin. His hold was firm and unyielding, like a vice grip, yet it wasn't painful.

As his hand clasped around your wrist, his entire body tensed, transforming into a living statue. You couldn't help but flinch slightly at the abruptness of his reaction, your body instinctively recoiling even as his grip held you in place.

"I-It's okay, I promise," you managed to say, your voice deliberately calm and steady to avoid startling him further. You took a deep breath, choosing your words carefully. "I'm just going to help you undress for the shower... I promise I won't hurt you or do anything you're not comfortable with. We're just getting you cleaned up, that's all."

Your words didn't seem to have much effect at first. His eyes narrowed suspiciously, and his jaw flexed with tension. You remained patient, maintaining a soothing tone and open body language. "Take all the time you need," you added softly. "I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere. It’s just you and me." His eyes scanned you intently, searching for any hint of deception or ill intent. You met his gaze steadily, allowing him to see the sincerity in your eyes. After what felt like an eternity, his grip on your wrist slowly loosened until he finally released you completely.

Second time's the charm. You reached out with steady hands, your fingers finding the first buckle on his tactical suit. With careful precision, you unfastened it, the metallic click echoing softly in the bathroom. Then, you moved to the next one, and the next, methodically working your way through each fastening. The process was slow but deliberate, each buckle giving way under your patient touch until, finally, the last one came undone. You paused, surveying your handiwork as the suit lay open, no longer confining him.

With the buckles undone, your attention turned to the decked out belt encircling his hips. You grasped the front, feeling the sturdy material beneath your fingers. You pulled the belt free from the thick buckle, the black leather sliding smoothly through the loops. As you removed the belt, you took care to lay it gently on the floor beside you, the heavy belt colliding with the tile was bound to make him jump and you didn’t want that.

The belt now removed, you returned your focus to the suit itself. Your hands found the straps, and you began to loosen them, pulling them out slowly and methodically. His uniform reminded you of a rehashed straight jacket, the uniform nearly acting just as one. When the tight suit gradually relinquished its grip, you noticed an immediate change in the soldier’s demeanor. The restrictive pressure eased, and you could see his chest rise and fall more freely. It was as if a weight had been lifted, allowing him to breathe deeply for the first time in who knows how long.

You watched, a mix of concern and relief washing over you, as he took in several deep breaths. The realization hit you then, a jolt of disbelief and worry. The suit had been so constricting that it had barely allowed him to breathe properly. The thought was infuriating. What kind of protection was that? What twisted logic had led to the creation of gear that endangered its wearer almost as much as it shielded them? You found yourself shaking your head in disbelief. What the hell...

"There we go...good..." You praised calmly, your voice a soothing whisper in the quiet room. He stood before you, now shirtless, his muscular frame tense with anticipation as he awaited your next move. Your eyes couldn't help but linger on his exposed torso, taking in every detail of his battle-worn body.

His skin was a canvas marked by the harsh realities of his past. Bruises in various stages of healing painted his flesh in a morbid palette of purples, yellows, and greens. Fresh cuts, angry and red, intermingled with older, silvery scars, creating a chaotic tapestry across his skin. Each mark had a different cause, accidental, intentional, self inflicted.

Your gaze was inevitably drawn to the most prominent feature: the junction where flesh met metal at his shoulder. The scar tissue surrounding his prosthetic arm was a sight that made your heart ache. It wasn't a clean, surgical line as one might expect, but rather a jagged, angry border that spoke of crude methods and little regard for the body it was attached to. The metal seemed to dig cruelly into his flesh, as if it were trying to consume more of him. You couldn't help but wonder about the pain he must have endured during the procedure, imagining how they had torn him apart with brutal efficiency, prioritizing function over comfort or aesthetics.

Despite the visible evidence of his suffering, he stood tall and stoic, awaiting your next move with a mixture of trust and trepidation in his eyes.

You offered him a gentle, comforting smile, you were acutely aware of his attempts to appear strong, but the reality of his fear was unmistakable. In that spare room, his demeanor reminded you of a cornered animal, flinching and retreating whenever the door creaked open. He cowered from you, even when you tried to give him water to drink. The sight tugged at your heartstrings, you didn’t know much of what happened just yet, but you knew whatever it was must’ve been utterly horrific.

"I'm going to help you out of your trousers now," you explained in a soft, reassuring tone. "Then we'll get you into the shower. The warm water will help you feel better, I promise." You paused, giving him a moment to process your words before adding, "Is that okay with you?"

He remained motionless. His lack of response was telling - not a nod, not a word, not even a flicker of acknowledgment in his eyes. He simply stood there, statuesque, as if bracing himself for whatever was to come next. The stillness was almost eerie, so you took a deep breath, steeling yourself for what was going to come. You truly hoped he wouldn't begin to put up a fight randomly, you knew you couldn't take him if he did.

You grasped the zipper of his pants and slowly pulled it down, the metallic sound echoing in the quiet room. As the fabric loosened, you gently tugged at the waistband, shuffling them down his muscular thighs and allowing the pants to fall around his ankles. Without a word, he stepped out of them, his movements controlled as he jerked his foot to get the leg of the pants off completely.

His gaze remained fixed on you, his expression betraying no hint of discomfort or self-consciousness at his state of undress. You found yourself averting your eyes, a mix of respect for his privacy and your own sudden shyness causing you to look away.

Turning your attention to the shower, you reached out and adjusted the taps, your hand testing the water until it reached a comfortably warm temperature, you could always adjust it upon request. The sound of cascading water filled the bathroom, creating a soothing ambiance. Once satisfied with the water's warmth, you looked back towards him, your arm extending in a welcoming gesture towards the bathtub. "Come on," you encouraged, your voice soft and inviting, "it's nice and warm." A gentle smile played on your lips, your expression meant to convey comfort and reassurance.

But even with your efforts, he remained motionless, his feet seemingly rooted to the spot where he stood. His lack of movement prompted you to maintain your encouraging demeanor, your smile unwavering as you waited patiently for him to make a decision.

The steam from the shower began to fill the room, creating a misty atmosphere that hung between you, yet he showed no signs of stepping forward or retreating. He just stood there, planted like a tree. You frowned, seeing that he wasn't going to budge.

"Hey, it's okay," you said softly, "It's just water, and it's nice and warm. I promise it will feel so good. You've been shivering for a while now, and I bet the warmth will be really comforting for your cold skin. There's nothing to be afraid of." You continued to encourage him, your tone patient and understanding.

The soldier's reaction was tense and wary. His metal arm plates made a series of soft clicking sounds as he shifted his arm and adjusted his stance, his body language radiating discomfort and distrust, maybe even a hint of growing agitation. The way he eyed the water, you could have sworn he thought you were about to subject him to some form of aquatic torture. His entire demeanor screamed of deep-seated fear and suspicion.

"It's alright, really... Look, see?" You demonstrated by reaching out and touching the water, letting your fingers trail through the warm liquid. You made sure he could clearly see that the water didn't cause you any harm or discomfort. Could he be afraid of the water? The concept seemed strange, but then again, you didn't really know or understand the full extent of his experiences or traumas. You had made so much progress with him already, and now all that remained was for him to sit under the water and allow you to wash him. It seemed so simple, and yet you could see the monumental struggle playing out behind his eyes.

He finally seemed to respond when he observed that you remained unharmed by the water, and he cautiously approached, his movements slow and deliberate. His eyes wore wariness with a flicker of curiosity, carefully scanning your form and ensuring you made no abrupt or threatening gestures. As he inched closer, his body language betrayed a conflicting desire for comfort and an instinctive need for self-preservation.

Once he had convinced himself of a relative level of safety, he gingerly stepped into the bath. The warmth of the water seemed to catch him off guard, and with an almost childlike lack of grace, he unceremoniously lowered himself into a sitting position with a loud thud and for a moment, he appeared startled by his own actions.

Now fully seated on the bottom of the tub, he allowed the soothing warmth of the water to cascade down his dirt-encrusted body. The grime that had accumulated over time began to loosen and swirl around him, running down his body and creating murky patterns at the bottom of the textured bathtub.

He sat motionless, gradually acclimating to the comforting warmth of the water cascading down his back in a gentle, soothing shower. It was foreign to him, a luxury he had been denied for far too long. His time with HYDRA had been bereft of such simple comforts; the organization was a cruel and unforgiving entity, more akin to a heartless taskmaster than a nurturing presence.

His experiences with something as harmless as water was vastly different to what you were treating him with now - he was subjected to harsh, icy streams forcefully directed at him, the intense pressure through the hose so severe it felt as though it was stripping away layers of his skin.

He remembers being forcibly submerged by his handlers, a cruel and twisted game that shattered his expectations of a simple, cleansing bath. What should have been a moment of respite transformed into a nightmarish struggle for survival, where he was forced to submit to their ruthless whims.

The memory of sharp, abrasive bristles tearing at his skin and the application of painful, saline substances lingers. He didn’t want to think about the unnecessary groping he encountered either, something he wished he forgot along with his life during the chair’s wipes.

These traumatic encounters left an indelible mark on his psyche, turning what should have been a basic human necessity into a source of fear and anxiety. The handlers' sadistic approach to something as fundamental as personal hygiene served as a constant reinforcement of their control over every aspect of his existence, even the most intimate and essential.

For him, the act of bathing became synonymous with vulnerability, pain, and the complete loss of autonomy, a far cry from the soothing, rejuvenating experience it was meant to be.

This gentle treatment you were providing was so different from the abusive handling he had endured in HYDRA, it almost caused him to panic, the feigning comforts he were offered by handlers before tricked him too many times, and he refused to let his guard down.

His glacial eyes gazed up at you, the poor man looked absolutely pitiful under the steamy water, his once greasy hair now thoroughly soaked as rivulets ran down the contours of his entire body. You took a breath and exhaled out a soft sigh, your hand slowly reaching for your own body wash. You didn't have any products specifically designed for men, so your expensive shampoo would have to suffice until you went shopping.

You pumped the bottle twice, watching as the clear, slightly viscous shampoo pooled into your open palm and the refreshing scent of cucumber and mint permeated the humid air, filling your nostrils with its crisp, clean aroma. You turned and addressed him softly, "Alright, I'm going to wash your hair now. Just try to relax and sit still for me, okay? This might feel a bit cold at first, but I promise it'll feel good once I start massaging it in."

The soldier regarded you with an inscrutable expression, his eyes betraying only a hint of that fight-or-flight instinct, his mind was reeling as he battled the urge to respond to your presence. You knew he had the strength to easily break your arm if he chose to, so you tried your best to be as slow and careful as possible. Your fingers delicately threaded through his hair, methodically working the shampoo into a rich lather. You watched as the suds multiplied and foamed, the soapy shampoo pure white on top and slowly stained the closer it was to his scalp.

You noticed that every so often he would flinch ever so slightly or instinctively pull away from your hands. You wondered if he had hidden injuries or tender spots on his scalp, or bruises or cuts concealed beneath his hair, or maybe knots of tension that had formed from prolonged stress or blunt impacts. His hair must’ve been yanked around, his scalp was extremely tender and while you did your best to soothingly massage, he didn’t enjoy it as much as you hoped because of the discomfort there.

"It's okay, I understand it might be a bit uncomfortable. I’m just getting all that pesky dirt and grime out." You spoke in a gentle, reassuring tone, moving a little bit quicker so you could rinse and move on. After thoroughly rinsing his hair, you applied conditioner in the same manner as the shampoo, and then rinsed it out again. He looked much better now, his hair was now clean, wet, and sleek, with a smooth texture and a noticeable shine. It was so much better than before, and it had to feel better too.

Your hand extended under the rain of water, dampening a soft, handheld washcloth and applying a generous amount of body wash to it. You worked the cloth until it produced a rich lather. The soldier moved which caught your eye, you looked up at him and saw he had recoiled, his gaze fixed warily on the washcloth. He became noticeably slower and more hesitant, his eyes widening slightly as he regarded the cloth with apparent apprehension, as if it posed a threat. You furrowed your brow at his reaction to the cloth, he looked at it like you held a weapon of some kind.

"Hey, it’s alright…this won’t hurt. It’s just a cloth, see? A cloth with some soap," you said softly, you felt so torn up about his reaction to the simplest of things. "I won't hurt you, I promise, I'm just going to wash you a bit...get all that dirt and blood off you." You raised your hand holding the washcloth in a placating gesture. “It’s warm, it will feel good scrubbing off all that dirt, you’ll be nice and clean.”

Gradually, he relented and shifted backwards to where he had been sitting, permitting you to gently glide the damp cloth across his skin, meticulously removing every trace of grime from his body. After a few minutes of washing him, you noticed he was beginning to find comfort in the experience. His eyelids drooped, and his head dipped down slightly, a tired expression settling over his features as he succumbed to the soothing sensation of your ministrations. He wasn’t exactly serene, but he was too drowsy to focus on much else other than the feeling of the rag gliding over his back and flesh arm.

You adjusted him and you tended to his metal arm, diligently working the cloth between the intricate plates and joints of titanium, ensuring that no speck of dirt remained. You weren’t exactly sure how the arm was cleaned prior to finding him, but clearly there wasn’t a worry about rust or anything of the sort. The soldier remained motionless, allowing you unhindered access as the warm water cascaded over his back, leaving a rosy tinge in its wake. He enjoyed the hot temperature, he hadn’t felt hot water in decades.

Your focus then shifted to his lower extremities, concentrating on scrubbing his legs and feet. As the rag moved up to a more sensitive area, you paused, pulling the rag off his skin and slowly extending the washcloth to him. You pointed towards his privates, you softly instructed, "You can…get right there, I’d rather not touch you in that spot."

The furrow on the soldier's brow gave away his visible confusion, his eyes darting between you and the offered rag with a mixture of uncertainty and hesitation. It was clear that he was contemplating with the decision of whether to accept your gesture or not, if there was an ulterior motive, or if this was some sort of test. After what seemed like an eternity of internal debate, he finally extended a trembling hand towards you. His movements were slow and deliberate, as if he were approaching a wild animal rather than a simple cloth.

He grasped the rag from your outstretched palm, his fingers curling around it slowly. Once in possession of the cloth, he set about the task of cleaning himself. His actions, though quick, lacked the assurance of someone accustomed to such basic self-care. Each motion seemed so carefully calculated, as if he were relearning a long-forgotten, essential skill. It had been so long since he was allowed to clean himself. His movements were unsteady, his hands quivering slightly as he went about his ablutions.

It had clearly been an extensive period since he had been granted even this small measure of independence. The concept of autonomy was a luxury he had been denied for far too long.

When he was done with his hurried cleansing, the soldier's gaze immediately sought yours out. His eyes, still holding the rag, were filled with expectation, awaiting your next command. His posture tense and ready to respond to whatever instruction you might provide. The rag remained clutched in his hand, as if he were unsure whether to return it or continue holding onto this small token of independence.

"Good, you're all done," you offered a warm smile to him. Despite the wounds still visible on his body, you felt a sense of accomplishment knowing that at least the layers of dirt and grime had been washed away, your work getting him clean would pay off and be better for the both of you. You reached over and turned off the water, the sudden silence broken only by the soft dripping from the showerhead. "Let's get you dried off," you said softly, gesturing for him to step out of the shower.

He complied wordlessly, his movements careful as he stepped onto the bathroom mat. You couldn't help but notice how vulnerable he looked, standing there dripping wet, his eyes never leaving your face, his body completely littered in discoloration. Reaching for a large, fluffy towel, you unfolded it and wrapped it around his shoulders, enveloping him in its warmth to fight off the rapidly cooling water droplets all over him.

As you began to slowly dry his body, you noticed a change come over him. His softened expression now returned to its usual blank mask and the brief relaxation he showed in the shower was long gone by now. His body returned to the stiffness he had before he got in. His eyes remained fixed on you, following your every movement with an intensity that was almost unnerving.

You worked in the quiet calm of the bathroom, carefully patting dry each part of his body, mindful of his injuries. The soldier remained motionless, allowing you to maneuver him as needed, but offering no assistance, like a doll. It was as if he had retreated back into himself, leaving only an empty shell for you to tend to. You wondered what he was thinking behind those watchful, guarded eyes, they were pretty up close. Glacial, stormy blue irises that had been glued to you since you started to tend to him.

After drying him off, you were lucky to find a pair of boxers in your apartment and helped him into them, where they came from wasn’t something you could remember at the moment, but you were glad you had them. He cooperated as you dressed him, then stood there clutching the towel around himself like a security blanket.

His gaze fixed on you with a mixture of expectation and vulnerability, as if silently asking for further guidance or comfort. His wide eyes blinked languidly, and his soft pink lips formed an almost imperceptible pout, giving him an endearing, slightly lost appearance.

Lost. He embodied the word entirely. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

Taking in his disheveled state, you smiled a little, "How about we get your hair detangled, hm?" Your voice was warm and reassuring as you reached up, your fingers lightly brushing against the damp strands, feeling the water practically seep out of the ends.

The soldier's reaction was a mix of acceptance and hesitation. While he didn't outright reject the idea, there was a noticeable lack of enthusiasm in his demeanor. However he didn’t dare reject the idea, worried about any kind of retaliation. So he made his way to the stool nestled beneath the counter and lowered himself onto it. As he settled into position, maintaining a stoic silence, his eyes continued to convey that enigmatic expression, hinting at unspoken thoughts or emotions.

You positioned yourself behind him, your hands instinctively reaching for a comb and a bottle of detangling spray already sat out from your use earlier that day. You recalled how your fingers had encountered numerous knots and tangles when you washed his hair, and thinking about how knotted it looked dirty made you sigh outwardly.

The fine mist of the detangling spray settled on his hair as you applied it methodically, you guided the comb through his locks, working patiently to untangle any knots you encountered. You tried to be as gentle as possible, knowing not only were there a ton of knots, but you remembered his scalp was especially sensitive and sore.

Soldat remained still as a statue, his posture composed and unwavering. His disciplined demeanor allowed you to work unimpeded, your movements careful and unhurried. He maintained a firm grip on the towel draped securely around his body, the fabric acting almost like a barrier and protecting him from the world. You continued to work the comb through his hair, encountering tangles and knots that spoke of recent exertion or neglect.

The process of detangling was slow, your touch continued to be gentle yet purposeful, muttering soft apologies when you ran into an unexpected knot. Teasing apart the snarls with patience and skill, the resistance lessened, and you found yourself able to run the comb smoothly through his hair, the strands falling into neat alignment.

"There we are... much better," you praised softly, your voice barely above a whisper. The sight of his hair, now brushed out and free of tangles, felt like a monumental achievement. You couldn't help but admire how the clean, detangled strands caught the light, a stark contrast to their earlier disheveled state. Your fingers ran through his locks, gently ruffling the hair from being so flat against his scalp.

You couldn't help but notice the angry red lines marring his skin, peeking out from beneath the towel. The blotchy colors on his skin that ranged from purple to blue, it made you frown. Your instincts as a caretaker kicked in, and you found yourself wondering if he would allow you to tend to those wounds. Hesitantly, you reached out, your fingers barely grazing the edge of the towel just wanting to get a better look at them.

In an instant the soldier suddenly sprang to life, standing with such force that the stool he had been perched on skidded across the tile floor, the harsh scraping sound shattering the previous calm. He retreated to the far corner of the bathroom, his body language screaming defensiveness.

His eyes, which had been closed or downcast for most of your interaction, now bore into you with an intensity that made you freeze. They held fear, yes, but also a raw, primal aggression that sent a shiver down your spine. It was the look of a cornered animal, ready to lash out at the slightest provocation.

You immediately backpedaled, not wanting to trigger any aggression from him. "Okay, okay... no wound checks," you reassured as you raised your hands in a gesture of surrender. You took a step back, giving him more space, silently cursing yourself for pushing too far, too fast. The fragile trust you had built over the past few minutes seemed to hang by a thread, you didn’t want to snap the little you had.

Your words had a calming effect on Soldat, who clutched the towel tightly in his fists, ensuring it remained securely wrapped around him. His gaze drifted down to his soiled attire, prompting you to shake your head in disapproval. "No, those definitely need to be washed," you explained, your voice dropping to a thoughtful murmur, "And to be honest, these can hardly be called proper clothes. I'll make sure to get you some suitable ones tomorrow, alright?"

Soldat's eyes met yours once more, his gaze still carrying a hint of coldness and wariness, but he managed a brief, almost imperceptible nod of acknowledgment. You gathered his discarded garments and deposited them into the washing machine, silently hoping that the combination of leather and other materials wouldn't prove too much for the aging appliance. The damn thing had to be ran twice already, you just couldn’t afford to buy a new one right now.

As you busied yourself with setting the appropriate wash cycle, Soldat seized the opportunity to hastily retreat to the room that had been designated as his temporary living space.

He immediately gravitated towards the floor, as he had been the past few days. You hadn't seen him use the bed at all, rather stay cuddled in the corner or inside the small space of the closet. The towel long forgotten and laid splayed out on the floor, he ripped the blankets off the bed in one fluid motion and proceeded to wrap himself up in them, burrowing beneath the layers of fabric for comfort and security. The blankets having replaced the towel's symbolism for safety.

You wished he’d rest on the bed rather than the floor, but you knew better than to try to alter what he was doing. Leave him to be comfortable on his own, that is the best thing to do in this situation. And if Soldat wants to sleep on the floor in a huddle of blankets, then fine.

You approached the doorway, peering inside to see him nestled in a cocoon of blankets. His exhaustion was written on his face, yet there was a noticeable improvement in his appearance. The layer of grime and perspiration that had clung to his skin was now gone, you knew he had to feel somewhat refreshed.

You cautiously stepped into the room and made your way towards him, acutely aware of how his body tensed at your approach. In response to your closer proximity, he burrowed deeper into the thick comforter that enveloped him, seeking refuge from your presence.

A soft, reassuring sound escaped your lips as you placed a water bottle within his reach. As you anticipated, he remained motionless under the comforter, offering no acknowledgment of your thoughtful action. He stayed hidden beneath the layers of fabric, like a child seeking shelter from imaginary monsters lurking in the shadows.

"Get some rest, Soldat..." you whispered gently, your voice barely above a murmur. "I'll be down in the other room if you need anything. Don't hesitate to call for me, even for the smallest thing." With that reassurance, you slowly stood back up and turned to walk out. A faint noise suddenly caught your attention, causing you to pause mid-step.

The gentle rustling of the comforter drew your gaze back towards the floor, curiosity piquing your interest. The soldier cautiously peeked out from under the blanket's edge. His tired, weary eyes met your inquisitive ones, there was a beat of silence.

"Спасибо," the soldier rasped out, his voice meek and slightly hoarse from disuse, but still loud enough for you to hear clearly.

"You're welcome..."

Dividers by @/strangergraphics

Cover images from Pinterest. I do not claim them as my own.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #the winter soldier #the winter soldier x reader #winter soldier #winter soldier x reader #bucky barnes x you #winter soldier x you #james buchanan barnes #james buchanan barnes x reader #james buchanan bucky barnes #captain america the winter soldier #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes oneshot #blythewrites⛓

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collaredsoldat · 17 days ago

Text

Stained.

summary: Soldat continues to have nightmares.

a/n: So sorry it took so long for another part. Been super distracted with other blogs and life stuff. There's a few more things I will write about for this 'series' then I will start another one with him. This one's a bit shorter but I have another one almost completed. Anyway enjoy comforting the baby <3 Unedited. ;; wc: 2.7k

His screams were so chilling.

They seemed to pierce through the very walls of your home. The haunting sound reverberated in the air, leaving an eerie silence in its wake that was almost as unsettling as the screams themselves.

Every single night, without fail, they never ceased. You could almost set your watch by their occurrence, anticipating the exact moment when the torment would begin. As the clock ticked closer to that dreaded hour, you'd find yourself tensing, waiting for the inevitable.

Then, right on cue, you'd hear him thrashing violently, desperately fighting against the blankets that enveloped him like a straitjacket. In a frenzied panic, he would scramble to the corner of the room, his movements frantic and uncoordinated. His eyes splayed wide with terror, darting around the room, seeing horrors that only he could perceive. His breathing came in ragged gasps, as if he had just breached the surface after being submerged in the depths of his nightmares, desperately gulping in air as if it were his first breath after a near-drowning experience.

The nightmares were a relentless, unyielding torment that plagued him night after night. They seemed to have a life of their own, cruel entities that delighted in tormenting him, forcing him to relive moments he desperately wished he could forget. These nocturnal demons dredged up memories from the darkest corners of his mind, parading them before him in vivid, terrifying detail, making him relive everything. It was as if his subconscious were punishing him for abandoning his previous affiliations, determined to extract every ounce of pain from his past experiences, leaving him raw and vulnerable each morning.

Just like its old handler had.

In an attempt to provide some comfort, you began a nightly ritual of telling him goodnight every evening. He began to seek out your company, a noticeable shift from his previous isolation, over the previous few days. He would actually spend time with you, choosing to sit by you as you watched TV on the couch. Although he still maintained a certain distance, unwilling or unable to fully let his guard down, he would position himself near your legs, just close enough to feel your presence without fully engaging.

Occasionally, in moments of vulnerability or perhaps seeking comfort, he would lean against your legs. You would gently, almost hesitantly, reach out to touch his hair, those fleeting moments of him actually initiating contact were rare. The contact was brief, barely more than a whisper of touch, before he would inevitably pull away, retreating back into his shell. But even these small moments of connection felt like monumental progress, a tiny crack in the walls he had built around himself.

Tonight had been a bit rough.

The weather conditions had deteriorated as the season switched from fall to winter.

A fierce snowstorm had been mercilessly battering the exterior of the apartment building you lived in for hours without reprieve. The violent gusts of wind sent snowflakes, dense and numerous, into a frenzied dance through the air, creating an impenetrable curtain of white that obscured nearly all visibility. That meant anyone driving was pretty much driving blind, and some places in the city have closed until the storm stops.

The persistent howling of the tempest as it wrapped around the building created unfamiliar sounds throughout your apartment, though these disturbances never bothered you when you slept. You had slept through thunderstorms before, howling wind wasn’t anything to bug you. Soldat, situated in the other room, was experiencing quite the opposite reaction to the weather.

There were things he remembered from HYDRA, memories that haunted him like persistent shadows, but the cold remained the most vivid and haunting of them all. The experience of cryo was something permanently etched into his being, a sensation that lingered long after each freeze. He could still feel with crystal clarity the way the freezing process felt. The gradual slowing of his blood flow, the painful stiffening of his muscles, and the biting chill that penetrated deep into his bones.

The cold would wrap around him like an unforgiving blanket, creating an impenetrable cocoon of ice that sealed him away from the world. In those moments, he became more than just a prisoner of HYDRA - he became a prisoner of winter itself, trapped from which he could never fully escape. Even now, warmth felt like a distant memory, a comfort that his body had forgotten how to truly experience.

No matter how many blankets he covered up in, no matter how hot the shower was, he still felt cold.

You shifted position in your bed, consciousness gradually returning as you stirred from sleep, your eyes fluttering open while your hands instinctively moved to clear the lingering drowsiness from them. You were going to just roll back over, but the unexpected presence of a dark silhouette towering above your bed startled you wide awake. Pure adrenaline rushed through your system, causing you to let out an involuntary shriek as you scrambled away from the mysterious figure. You realized it was Soldat, and you let out a breath you had been holding.

"Fuck...y-you startled me!" You exclaimed breathlessly, your trembling hand pressed firmly against your chest where your heart continued to thunder against your ribcage like a drum.

The man watched you intently from across the room, maintaining his silence. When the wind howled against your window panes with renewed intensity, his cold, calculating eyes briefly darted towards the source of the sound before returning to fix on you again. Before you could break the silence between you, he moved forward and crawled up onto your bed.

His movements were awkward and cautious, like an animal discovering new texture beneath its paws. His every motion was measured and uncertain, acting like the bed was going to fall out from beneath him. The soldier finally settled himself onto the bed beside you, positioning his rigid body so that he was facing away from you.

This was really unexpected but...you weren't going to complain. He was clearly struggling with something so you decided to just be quiet and pretend he wasn't there. Hopefully that would somehow make this fragile moment less overwhelming for him.

When you finally drifted back to sleep, consciousness returned abruptly as his sudden movements jolted you awake. He had jerked and scrambled, pressing himself firmly against the headboard of the bed, his rigid posture betraying his distress. His eyes were wide with an unnamed fear, darting frantically around the darkened room, searching desperately through the shadows for phantoms that existed only in his mind. His breathing came in rapid, shallow gasps, his chest rising and falling with an intensity that suggested he had been running for miles.

His fingers were wrapped so tightly around the bedsheets that his knuckles had turned white and his metal hand was whirring with pressure, the fabric bunching beneath his iron grip. When you spoke his name, his wild gaze snapped to your face, focusing on you with an intensity that was almost frightening. "Soldat...what's wrong?" Your words came out thick with sleep, barely audible against the war raging in his mind.

"What's wrong?" The handler's voice dripped with cruel sarcasm as his boot connected violently with the asset's stomach, sending a spray of crimson across the pristine floor as it doubled over, coughing and choking. "Can't sleep? I told you to quiet down." Its handler had a particular hatred for nighttime disruptions, especially the ones he deliberately orchestrated, taking perverse pleasure in ensuring the asset's nights were filled with terror while simultaneously punishing it for displaying any signs of disturbance.

The asset remained silent, managing only to expel the remaining blood from its mouth as it struggled to regain its upright position. Through its blurred vision, the handler's eyes stood out with terrifying clarity, piercing and unforgiving as they bore down upon the asset with unmistakable malice. His voice cut through the silence like a knife, the handler’s demeanor shifting to become much more threatening. "You stained my fucking carpet."

He shook his head vigorously, scooting away from you until he reached the edge of the bed and lost his balance. "Shit," you moved forward instinctively, witnessing his unsteady stumble and the harsh thud that followed as he tumbled off, he let out a small grunt as he hit the floor. "You okay?" You asked softly, your voice gentle as you carefully made your way down and knelt beside his huddled form.

Your bed was positioned close to the wall but not touching, creating a small, sheltered alcove that provided him with a sense of security. A perfect hiding spot where he could feel somewhat protected from the world, he had ventured from the small spaces in the spare room but he tended to resort back to them when he felt especially anxious.

"Hey, you're bleeding," you noticed with concern as a thin crimson line began making its way down his forehead and along his brow. His hand shot up immediately, pressing against the wound in an attempt to stem the flow. A flash of unmistakable panic crossed his features, causing your stomach to twist with worry. "It's okay, I'll go get something for it..." You reassured him gently, rising to your feet and making your way to the bathroom where you kept a small first aid box, tucked away under the sink.

When you returned to his side, you knelt back down and carefully held out some small pieces of sterile gauze. His lack of response to take them gave you an invitation, you took his stillness as silent permission to help. Your hand carefully guided his away from the injury, replacing his trembling fingers with the soft gauze, which you held there with the lightest possible pressure while maintaining a strong enough hold to stop the bleeding.

As you held the gauze against the wound, his eyes slowly trailed down to the floor by his feet. A deep frown creased his features as he noticed two tiny red droplets seeping into the little strings of carpet, expanding like delicate watercolor paint on wet paper. The crimson spots seemed to grow before his eyes, each fiber darkening as it absorbed the blood. "I...I'm sorry," He rasped, his voice so rough and broken that you almost flinched at the sound.

The words hung heavy in the air between you, and before you could register that he actually spoke to you again or even understand what exactly he was apologizing for, he spoke again, his voice growing more distressed with each repetition. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he whispered, his gaze fixed intently on those small drops staining the carpet. He curled in on himself even more, the apologies falling from his lips over and over again like he were completely overwhelmed with a foreboding sense of incoming danger.

You followed his line of sight downward and observed the tiny marks yourself, finding yourself fighting back an inappropriate smile at the situation. Here he was, clearly distraught over what amounted to barely more than pinpricks of blood on the carpet. The whole concept almost felt ridiculous, that among everything else happening, this would be what concerned him so deeply.

You couldn't understand why he'd be so genuinely upset about such a minor stain, but his distress was clearly real and you didn’t want him to feel this way over something so minor. "Hey, hey. It's fine, don't apologize," you assured him gently, trying to draw his attention away from the floor. "It's just a few drops. No big deal..."

He looked back at the crimson droplets that had dripped down the soft carpet, then shifted his gaze towards you while carefully avoiding direct eye contact. His shoulders hunched inward defensively as he spoke. "I...I stained." The words emerged as barely more than a breath, his voice trembling and uncertain, barely managing to push the confession past his lips.

"And stains can be cleaned." You responded, keeping your voice steady and reassuring. "It's not a big deal at all. I'm not upset - they're just a few tiny drops. And honestly, even if it had been a much bigger mess, I wouldn't be angry that you bled on the floor. Getting upset about something like that would be completely ridiculous..."

"Ridiculous thing you are." Its handler spat with venomous contempt, "Clean this up immediately. The more you bleed, the more you are corrected for staining my goddamn floor."

It wasn't fair.

Soldat shook his head vigorously, trying to dispel the vivid flashback that had seized him. As your words continued in their gentle cadence, so different from those memory-echoes, the sharp edges of panic began to soften and recede. You remained unaware of the depths of his psychological turmoil, but at the same time, your very obliviousness to his internal struggle served as an anchor that helped guide him back from the brink of his mounting anxiety.

If you had known earlier, your choice of words might have been different, more carefully selected to avoid triggering such a response.

However, for the moment, the situation appeared to have stabilized - his breathing had steadied and his trembling had subsided to occasional shivers. You gently finished cleaning and examining the minor abrasion on his forehead, the injury was superficial, requiring nothing more than basic first aid. Once you were satisfied with it, you helped him rise to his feet, "Would you like to try sleeping again?" you asked in a soft, reassuring tone, making sure to keep your voice steady and calm, "I can stay awake and keep watch, if that would make you feel better."

He remained silent, his eyes meeting yours with an expression that seemed vulnerable and childlike, caught between trust and uncertainty. The unfamiliar sensation of feeling protected and cared for seemed to war with his instincts to panic, but something held him back. Perhaps it was the realization that throughout this entire ordeal, you had been nothing but patient and had shown genuine concern for his well-being.

His response came in the form of a single, slight nod - brief but unmistakable. You accepted this minimal communication as a positive sign.

You guided him back to bed, allowing him to settle into a position that felt natural to him. Sleeping in a bed after literal decades of sleeping on the floor, cots if he was lucky, took getting used to again. Taking up your own position nearby, you reached for the television remote and switched it on, being mindful to keep the volume low so it wouldn’t be too loud. He assumed his previous position, curling up with his back towards you, creating a small barrier between himself and the world. The soft background noise from the television seemed to provide a comforting ambient sound without causing him any distress.

After an episode of the show you were watching passing by, he gradually shifted his position to face in your direction. Though his eyes remained closed, you had your doubts about whether he had truly drifted back to sleep so quickly. The distance between you had noticeably decreased as he moved closer and your heart ached with the desire to wrap him in your arms, yet you remained perfectly still, not wanting to make any sudden movements. The fear of startling him kept you frozen in place, patiently waiting to see if he would choose to close the remaining gap between you.

To your surprise, he continued his careful migration until his body was snugly pressed against yours, seeking comfort in your presence. You felt your throat tighten with emotion as you felt the warmth of his body against yours, touched by the fact that he had deliberately chosen to seek out your closeness. Slowly, you lifted your arm and positioned it behind him, keeping it relaxed and loose while he adjusted himself, eventually settling into a position where he used you as an impromptu pillow, his breathing steady and peaceful.

You eventually fell asleep after a while too, unable to resist. By now he had huddled against you, his metal arm draped across your form, the weight of it both reassuring and comforting against your body. The steady rhythm of his breathing and the warmth radiating from his presence definitely helped you grow drowsy.

Knowing he was at last getting the peaceful rest he so desperately needed brought a sense of contentment to your heart and gave you enough comfort to slowly drift off too.

Dividers by @/strangergraphics

Cover images from Pinterest. I do not claim them as my own.

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#bucky barnes #winter soldier #the winter soldier #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #winter soldier x reader #winter soldier x you #captain america the winter soldier #catws #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes angst #blythewrites⛓

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