#-that my identity is an insult to a character because people infantilize my identity enough for the general public to use that to define it

[devondespresso]

thank you for your addition to that ace dustin post, i really appreciated your take and your dedication to nuance that the original lacked. like you said, disqualifying the headcanon doesn’t actually address the root cause of why desexualizing dustin in fanworks could be harmful (and not exclusive to ace headcanons) and instead was just ‘i’m right you’re wrong and this is bad’. what bothers me the most about it is how much circulation it’s getting from allos who do not understand it at all, and are just jumping at a chance to exclude aces to be honest. like a post about an actual ace headcanon would never get nearly as many notes as this post is. and that’s upsetting. i’m even more upset that they’re saying ace will is bad when that’s been a headcanon long before he was canonically gay and there is so much canon relatability to me with will that i think lumping that in with this was even more harmful. anyway sorry if you’re getting any hate or anything, just wanted to say you’re totally right! 🤍

sykdjhshhsnh dude this is so sweet i really appreciate it!!

yea it really does suck how posts can get so popular when theres people getting hurt by it. its not even like the all statements are wrong. its 100% a real problem that disabled characters are infantilized and treated like they can't have sex because they're disabled.

its also a real problem that asexuality gets equated to infantilizing or assuming someone can't have sex because they're disabled because of our lack of sexual attraction or the different degrees we feel it. that it carries the implication that asexuals are comparable to infants and can't have sex.

and not only can these ideas coexist, but they're the same side to the argument against infantilization and stigmatizing sex by people who don't fit people's expectations of someone who has sex.

also i appreciate the concern about hate. thankfully i haven't gotten any direct hate from that post and honestly had no idea if it is still talked about. op blocked me (which to be clear im 100% fine with i really didn't want to have a big argument about it anyway) so i don't see the post on my dash and assumed people dropped it after a while. your message was actually the first direct response ive had about outside of the post itself

also also i hadn't seen headcanons about ace will before but i absolutely love it!! theres definitely problems in the fandom with babying him and making him out to be this sweet uwu baby angel too pure for this world and shit but again thats a problem entirely separate from asexuality. i could totally see will being ace, he strikes me as very romantic in season 4 with the painting and his car confession puting so much emphasis on loving mike as a person and what he means to him. they haven't had many chances for physically intimate moments so far so i feel like you could easily headcanon him as any type of asexual and especially if your headcanoning them to see yourself in his character

i hope you have a lovely day anon!! im not super well-versed in the byler fandom but feel free to gush about ace will (or any stranger things characters!) anytime in asks or dms if you feel like it 💕💖💕

[dreamwreaver]

It's because insisting a platonic relationship (nevermind slotting found family members into nuclear family roles that's a whole other can of worms) is familial gives them a moral high ground when they come across ships they don't like.

I've seen it a million times "oh they're father and daughter" oh, "they're creepy uncle and niece" and I side eye those the hardest because 1. They often infantilize the female to an insulting degree and 2. If they think some of these depictions are how actual irl older male/"younger" female (Charlie is technically many hundred of years older chronologically but physically maybe about five years younger) I worry for their relationships.

Nothing about Alastor and Charlie's dynamic shows them as business partners, maybe he finds her charming and mildly amusing. And maybe she enjoys having someone to fulfill her whims instead of just shooting them down for being impractical. There's no care, there's a lot of creepy touching and invading of personal space especially on alastor's end. But one important thing to note is that he makes exceptions for Charlie that he doesn't really make for anyone else. Both Mimzy and Rosie had to wait for consent from Alastor before engaging him in hugs. Charlie finds out he's alive;l, throws herself at him in a hug and he allows it even though he hasn't given any consent like normal.

But because they don't have the excuse of "Charlie's a lesbian" because she isn't, and even if she was to end up with Alastor in canon it wouldn't detract from either character's established queer identity, they now resort to the "they're [insert familial dynamic here]" as a way to justify their bullying. And that's what it is: bullying. It's not enough to just say "I don't like the dynamic" and move on blocking any and all appropriate tags if it squicks them that much. Modern fandom has such a moralistic element to it, if you don't like something it must therefore mean that thing is fundamentally bad/sinful/immoral and therefore anyone who does like it is a bad person irl who is allowed to be treated poorly. And you know how I know this?

Valentino cosplayers have been bullied into apologizing for liking the character. And let me be clear in my distinction, he's a bad person, but a great character. He's not on screen a lot but you get what type of person he is instantly. His va? By all accounts one of the nicest people. He literally was told once that someone was afraid of meeting him because they worried he was going to be exactly like Valentino. Clearly we have forgotten that VA stands for voice ACTOR. An actor that acts with their voice. There is no distinction in a lot of people's minds that an actor can embody a role without condoning every single action that character takes. And the moralization where the goal posts are consistently moved in fandom for ships does not help matters.

I'm also gonna say this, modern fandom is unnecessarily hostile to straight passing ships. Even though nothing about charlastor makes Charlie any less bi or any less aroace because it's a passing guy and girl couple. People insist charlastor is platonic and father/daughter but the popularity of radioapple ironically undercuts their arguments. Because controversial take; radioapple is charlastor but gay. It's enemies to lovers gay charlastor. Because alastor's aroace identity doesn't seem to get as much defensive haters in that tag, nor does the fact that Lucifer has explicitly stated he likes girls and has banged both of Adam's wives. Nope! He's gay and in love with the radio demon. Even though Alastor cannot stand men by and large and hates Lucifer especially (likely due to his issues with his own father abandoning him young). But again, they moralize everything. They don't like charlastor for whatever reason they have, and honestly good for them! No one says you have to like them! But to be mean to others that do?

In the immortal words of sonic the hedgehog; that's no good

Whats with hh fans hating on charlastor saying that they are father and daughter like 😭😭😭😭😭

I think It's bc of a "Hell's greatest dad" song, but yeah, actually they have no media litracy if they think he was serious

[greensaplinggrace]

honestly THANK YOU for saying all that abt baghra bc i thought i was going crazy from not liking her??? bc i haven't read the books and only summaries of them on wiki and like. i dunno why ppl like her actually even in the show bc this guy, her son, is like "i wanna make the world better for us grisha" and she's just like "no." even tho he sees that she's MAKING HERSELF SICK from suppressing her powers! she's literally like in bed coughing in the flashback yet seem much healthier at the little palace. also like after everything, after her disapproval, after the fold, after centuries of waiting for the sun summoner.. he never abandons her. he makes sure she's cares for. he doesn't harm her. and i have to wonder if baghra has ever thanks him for that, for just not leaving her alone. like i dunno how im suppose ro believe aleks is a heartless villain when he still cares for his abusive mom like this. like has baghra even told her she loved him (honestly she reminds me of a classic emotionally unavailable asian parent but maybe that's just me). also im wondering if baghra ever told aleks that he had an aunt.. bc like.. now that u bring up her isolating him it's like hmmmm...

not at me being like alina... why do u trust the bitter old woman who literally beats u with a stick and verbally abuses u every chance she gets.. just bc she showed a bad painting... like.. pls use two braincells to see that who u figured out as his mother... is also using his protection..

like baghra could've upped and left with alina. but no. she stayed bc she knew she was safe under aleks's protection.

alsoim just impressed that after his first friend tried to drown him and harvest his bones... he didn't go into hiding???? he still wanted to make a safe heaven for grisha!!! HE STILL WANTED TO PROTECT GRISHA EVEN AFTER HIS GRISHA FRIEND TRIED TO KILL HIM FOR HIS FUCKEN BONES. like... this is the guy im suppose to believe is the villain???

honestly i feel like part of the reason why LB's plotlines seem so bad and disconnected (and sometimes outright racist but that's another rant) and why darkles is disproportionately more violent and villainous in the later books is bc she didn't expect the darkling to be so popular and wanted to stick with her guns of making him the villain. but also wanted the money from aleks's popularity. but like you can't have ur cake and eat it too.

Well thank you for sending this ask! It's very sweet and very passionate. I'm glad you liked my post! I didn't put as much thought into it as some of my others lol. I kind of just talked. But it was nice to be able to finally talk about some of the problems I have with both her character and the fandom/author's perception of her.

HERE is the post this is referring to, in case anyone's wondering.

👀👀 You've hit the nail on the head for so many things, here!

Baghra is extremely emotionally unavailable, basically to the point of neglect. She's also verbally and physically abusive, traits which I doubt were only reserved for her students and not her son. Baghra claims she would do anything to protect him, but I've known a lot of parents who have that mindset and yet still harm their children because they think it's "good for them".

Aleksander stays at Baghra's side for years, and even when they're opposing each other she's never too far away from him. Idk if you've read the books but he does eventually hurt her. And as much as I don't like Baghra, I think his actions were horrid. But I'm also honestly kind of surprised it took him so long lmao.

Yeah I mean, in terms of isolation, let's not forget that she never wanted to introduce him to his father, either. Baghra's sense of eternity clouds a lot of her judgments on relationships, which means she views most people as dust and therefore teaches her son to as well. The problem with that is that he's a growing child, and he needs those social and emotional attachments for healthy development.

I would bet quite a bit of money that Baghra has either never told him she loves him or she has told him so few times it's practically forgettable.

And everything becomes more complicated because so many of Baghra's actions are understandable because of her life and her history, but the impacts they have on the people around her, especially Aleksander, are permanently damaging. And the fact that that's never gone over in critical depth in the books or how it's glossed over in fandom is just very disconcerting. Like, acknowledging Baghra's failings doesn't mean we're excusing Aleksander's actions, it just means we're holding Baghra liable for her own. Which the fandom should be doing, considering she's the epitome of an abusive parental figure.

And Alina trusting Baghra over Aleksander is even more confusing! Especially in the show!! This is the woman who beat her and abused her and tortured her friends when they tiny little children (and who probably still does so now that they're adults). This is the woman who mocks you and harasses you and insults you on a regular basis. Why does Baghra revealing she's Aleksander's mother make Alina change her mind?! Like fuck, I'd just feel bad for Aleksander. No wonder he kept it a secret, I would too! And that painting is enough evidence?! Really?! A random painting shown to you by this abusive mentor that's been making your life hell. That's what you're going to betray your new lover over?

The friends trying to harvest his bones thing is a good point, too. I think Aleksander, especially show Aleksander, is incredibly idealistic. I think he cares too much for others - those he's deemed worth his care (a sentiment given to him by Baghra). Despite everything she's tried to teach him about hiding and abandoning others and never caring and never doing anything to help or reach out or connect with people, Aleksander still continues to do so. It's likely because he never got it from Baghra growing up, and so is desperate for those emotional needs to be fulfilled elsewhere.

His turning point, when Baghra tells him it was understandable that those kids tried to kill him because the world is such a hard place for them - that's crucial. And the reason it's possible as a motivating factor is because of that idealism and that desire to help and that desire to be everything his mother isn't. Baghra tells him this trauma he just experienced was because of the oppression of his people, and instead of following her lead and accepting that, going into hiding and abandoning everybody to their misery, he goes I can do something about that. I can make it so this never happens again. Which is usually how trauma like that combines with one's core personality traits at a young age, especially when there's none of the essential support systems in place to aid in recovery (ie, the role Baghra should have been filling but wasn't, because she decided to exacerbate the problem instead).

And yeah, one of my biggest problems with the ham-fisted "beating you over the head with a sledgehammer of evil deeds" look-how-bad-this-character-is! portrayal of the Darkling in the later books comes from the impression I get that Bardugo doesn't trust her readers. She's so desperate to have us hate this character and think him an irredeemable villain, not trusting any of her readers to engage critically with a morally gray character, that it feels quite a bit like condescending fucking bullshit. Which ew, I know how to engage with literature, thanks.

She really does seem to look down on a large part of her fandom, and imo, the infantilization of the female characters in her books seems to carry over to her impression of most of her female readers as well. Which is why the Darkling's character arc gets fucking destroyed. But he's still a good cash grab, of course, so she'll shake his dead corpse in front of the fandom for money every time she wants something from it.

Also! Another reason I think her plotlines feel disconnected (I'm sorry Bardugo I respect you as a person, but shit-) is because the writing in SaB is just bad. I mean, nevermind the absolutely nauseating implications of the way she portrays the Grisha as a persecuted group who's situation is never actually fully addressed as it should be, considering Grisha rights is what her main villain is fighting for (imo for a series called the Grishaverse, LB seems to be pretty anti Grisha), but her characters and story alone are just wrong for each other. They don't fit together.

And the ending is one of the main pieces of evidence in that regard! You can’t say the ending where Alina isn’t Grisha anymore is her “going back to where she started” when she’s always been Grisha. She just didn’t know she was Grisha because she denied that part of herself that she was born with.

Alina is reluctant to move forward or change, she struggles with adapting, and she’s very set on the things she’s grown attached to throughout her life. She also has some latent prejudices against the Grisha, and so denies the possibility of being Grisha for those reasons as well.

Alina’s lack of powers in the beginning of her life because she willfully doesn’t learn about them to avoid change versus her lack of powers at the end of the book when she’s accepted them and then they’re stripped away from her by outer forces are two entirely separate circumstances. You can’t make a parallel about lost powers and lack of Grisha status bringing her back to the start when she was always Grisha and she always had powers and she simply refused to come to terms with it because of personal reasons.

The first situation is an internal conflict that indicates a story about growth and a journey of self acceptance. Denying herself the opportunity to learn about her heritage and to find acceptance with a group of people like her because she’s tied to the past and because of the way she was raised is the setup for a narrative that tackles unlearning prejudice and learning how to connect with a part of her identity that was denied her and learning how to grow independent and self assured. It’s the setup for a different story entirely. The second situation is an external conflict that centers around the ‘corrupting influence of power’... for some reason.

In a world where Grisha do not have social, political, or economic power and they are hunted, centering your heroine’s journey of self acceptance and growth around an external conflict about... the corrupting influence of power (in a group of people that don’t actually have any power?!) just doesn’t work. It is literally impossible to connect the two stories Bardugo is trying to push in Shadow and Bone without seriously damaging the main character’s developmental arc.

The only way a narrative like this would work, claiming that she has gone back to where she started, is either a) if the Grisha weren’t actually a persecuted group and instead were apart of the upper class, or b) if the one bad connection between the two instances is acknowledged - that Alina denied a part of herself crucial to self acceptance and growing up, and that losing her powers at the end has also denied her. It is a tragedy, not a happy ending.

Alina suffered because she didn’t use her powers. She grew sick. It was bad for her. This was not a resistance to 'the corruption of power and the burden of greed', it was her suffering because she couldn’t fully accept herself.

Framing the ending as a return to the beginning can’t be done if you don’t address how bad the beginning was for your main character. You brought her back to a bad point in her life. You regressed her. This should be a low point in her arc. It should be a problem that’s solved so she can finish developing organically or it should be something that is acknowledged as a tragedy in it’s own right, for the future the world (the writing) denied her.

This is a ramble and it makes no sense and I’m really sorry, but my point is that Bardugo put the wrong characters in the wrong story. The character arc required for organic development doesn’t match the story and intended message at all. The narrative doesn’t fit the cast. She's got two clashing stories attempting to work in tandem and she ends up with both conflicting messages that fans still can’t comprehend in her writing and an ending that doesn’t suit her main character to such an impossible degree that it’s almost laughable.

So yeah, there's a few reasons why I think the story and the plot feels so bad and disconnected. I hope you don't mind me making this answer so long! 😅 I was not expecting to write this much.

[mcmusing]

And now, for a rant years in the making....

The longest thing I've ever written began because X-Men First Class was such a well-acted breath of fresh air. The dynamic between Charles, Raven, and Erik really captivated and inspired me. Enough to create an ongoing series that has had more good years than bad.

Unfortunately, starting with Days of Future Past, FC's legacy was sacrificed to the creatively bankrupt egos of the very production team that ruined the X-Men film series in the first place. This, along with the misandry/racism disguised as empowerment/diversity plaguing modern media, torpedoed what could have been an amazing series. James McAvoy pulled off the impossible by cementing himself as an iconic Charles Xavier on par with Patrick Stewart. After years of Ian McKellen's hammy one-dimensional villainy, the God's gift to acting that is Michael Fassbender emerged as the definitive Erik Lehnsherr. In Jennifer Lawrence's casting as Raven, the producers took an asinine, fanfic-esque concept like making Mystique Charles' adopted little sister and pulled it off so unbelievably beautifully. Despite their limited screentime, Alex, Hank, and Sean displayed more personality and likeability than any depiction of Jean and Storm across multiple films. However, moronic Brian Singer and Simon Kinberg could not wait to destroy all of FC's good will for their own agendas.

James McAvoy portrayed Charles as spirited and slightly mischievous yet highly intelligent, altruistic, nurturing, and self-sacrificing. Then the sequels tried in forced desperation to paint him as an overbearing, elitist misogynist and the one responsible for Raven and Jean's destructive abuse of power. Even though all he did was give them a home, make difficult choices in order to protect them and others, and brought both of them onto his team due to his personal relationships and trust in them. Because women are so strong and capable except when it comes to taking responsibility for their horrible choices. No, human flaws are strictly of the Y chromosome. Charles has been abandoned his entire life, received no real support, had his body and mind mangled because of his 'best friend', yet puts everyone before himself and always forgives the undeserving. Still, the producers and equally idiotic fandom reduces him to a spoiled white male with no concept of pain or hardship.

Through extensive research and dedication, Michael Fassbender put more into portraying Erik than, quite possibly, any actor taking on a comic book role. Erik is so worldly intelligent, handsome, sauve, and masculine to alpha levels, but with a pained vulnerability about him. FC is the ONLY film to paint him in this light. According to the sequels, Erik completely abandoned the friend/brother he crippled, couldn't hold his own team together for even a year, got captured by regular humans- the strategic nazi hunter got captured by REGULAR humans for ten years, betrayed his friends who freed him at the first opportunity, took no responsibility for the unforgivable things he did to Charles, abandoned his pregnant lover, almost ruined the lives of mutants everywhere by attempting a terrorist attack on TV, then ran off with his tail between his legs once thwarted. And that was only DoFP. In the next movies, he gave up his mutant identity completely, married a regular woman two seconds after declaring war on regular humans, was a pitiful excuse for a father who couldn't train his ONE mutant child to control her powers, got his family killed by his own past actions, then went on a murder spree with a lunatic that resulted in Charles' torture, Alex's death, and the destruction of the school- with the students being saved only by Peter's coincidental presence. I'm not even going to talk about that stupid phoenix movie. My blood pressure is already to the ceiling. No wonder Michael Fassbender grew to hate his character.

Speaking of hating their own character, even Jennifer Lawrence doesn't like how the warm, familial relationship between Raven and Charles deteriorated into something so cold and bitter. Raven abandoning her devoted brother is not only never properly addressed but the sequels want to pretend like it's Charles' fault they're estranged. Raven spends their every scene being a hostile, rude ingrate towards him right up until she's killed by that monotone wet rag they call Jean. Charles is willing to sacrifice his own life multiple times for Raven but she shows more regard for her attempted murderer Erik. So, I suppose the feminist message is that a protective, peace seeking, reasonable man is too controlling and toxic but a violent, unhinged, homicidal man is worthy to be praised. That phoenix movie sure thought so, considering they completely demolished Hank McCoy.

These movies also have no care or concern for life itself. The hellfire club slaughtered an entire facility full of people and killed Darwin yet Erik and Raven jumped to join them. Then, we're supposed to care that those monsters are dead by DoFP. Meanwhile, Sean and Alex's deaths are glossed over but Raven's is supposed to be tragic and meaningful.

That brings up yet another problem with this cursed series. Mutation is supposed to be an allegory for various prosecuted groups. The producers really wanted the live action mutants to be lgbt stand-ins. I can't even begin with how insulting that is. So, Magneto's the face of the gays, huh? Meaning if other people do anything but pledge absolute loyalty to that  lifestyle, gays will react with violence and destruction, willing to kill anyone- even their own-, who gets in their way. Also, those who believe the lgbt lifestyle will lead to inevitable chaos are proven right by X-Men execs. Mutants have caused massacres of government officials, killed their own family members during uncontrolled rages, and nearly doomed the planet too many times to count. This is what gays relate to? This?! This infantilized depiction as sadistic megalomaniacs?!

Overall, FC- as engaging as it was- is a mere anomaly in the grand scheme of the X-Movies. A dour, joyless, soulless catastrophe of unforgivable discontinuity, underdeveloped characters, multiple horrid actors, outrageous missed opportunities, and nonexistence ethics with a transparent, hypocritical agenda.

I started my fic in 2011 as a way of addressing the growing racial upheaval going on in the US at the time. Ten years later and things are infinitely worse than anything I could have predicted back then. There are no intelligent conversations to be had nor heroes to look up to. The entire entertainment industry has become a battleground for the war of identity politics. Not even just fandoms arguing amongst themselves but also Hollywood creators taking the time to be aggressively insulting and dismissive of their own fans. The flames of hatred are being fanned and everyone seems so blind to it.

[jauneflowers]

Coming Out

I had been thinking about how to launch this blog for months. I considered the fact that my first post would say everything about the tone of this blog, what I wanted to achieve and who I am as a writer. Deciding this narrowed down my subject matter somewhat, but still left me staring blankly at finished writing unconvinced that this was the way to debut my work. Sitting at the computer to curate something new felt forced, and my brain felt drained of drive. Over the months of preparation, I felt my creative brain waste away and be left with a husk unable to deal with writing from the heart. That was, until, a small mundane event told me exactly what I needed to write. Something personal, something about being Trans. As Pride Month comes to a close, I would like to tell you my most recent coming out story. My name is Jayne Oscar Michael Flowers, I am Non-binary, I am Trans, with these things I am also Queer. At the age of 21, after being out socially for almost 10 years, I decided to come out to my mother as trans, and I would like to tell you this story. 

The inciting incident for realising I’d like to put pen to paper- or rather, fingers to keys- was when a poster fell from my wall. My room is littered with artefacts that are symbols of my queerness and icons of my identity I hold dear. My collection of Bee Illustrates posters (you should support her work here: https://www.beeillustrates.com/), a postcard of Marilyn Monroe from Gays The Word, a print of Travis Alabanza (you should support their work here: http://travisalabanza.co.uk/) face each other as totems of what I deem important as my inspirations. Under the poster of Travis Alabanza is a coming-out letter. On these hot summer nights, nothing seems to stick, and when I woke this morning I found the letter scattered to the floor. When I picked it up, I thought fondly of when I got it. It’s an A3 poster of the coming-out letter by the character Mouse in the book More Tales of the City, authored by Armistead Maupin. It’s even signed by Maupin, too, as it’s based off of his own coming out letter. I bought it at an event called “An Evening with Armistead Maupin” at the Southbank Centre. I had gone by myself, a nervous wreck throughout the whole experience, and had bought this poster as a reminder to do something important for my growth later. Tales of the City had always been a role model to me, an example of moves to take for myself. After all, the series Tales of the City came to me in a very interesting time of my life. I had just broken up from an incredibly unhealthy relationship and lost a lot because of it. I was growing up very fast due to how that relationship had kept me infantilized, working a job that I had to bury myself so far into the closet with, in fear of what might happen when I did come out and was realising some of my personal friendships were changing beyond repair. Things were not as I knew them for the last 2 years and Tales of the City gave me some neon signposts to follow when I did not know where to take myself next. 

I thought all about this when I held that poster this morning, thought about how I came so far in a short amount of time, and was only seeing it go backwards now.  I thought about how this poster held so much importance. I had to make tangible a coming-out experience that really has changed me as a person and the reaction that rehashed a lot of trauma. What follows next is some background, and what I wrote exactly. It also speaks on alcoholism and abuse, so if that is not what you wish to read, turn back now. 

You see, when I say I bought this poster for my own growth, I meant it. The coming out letter was written by Mouse, within fiction, to tell his parents he is gay. I found myself in a similar situation to Mouse. He’s an adult, living independently, finding the path for him in a world that shells a lot of shit his way. He’s out, proud, vocal, and yet he hasn’t come out to his parents. I am also an adult, I am also living independently, I am also getting shelled a lot of shit my way, I am also out, proud, vocal and yet I also haven’t told my only parent I am trans. In his situation, Mouse decides to write them a letter. He could have picked up the phone, visited, but he knew this was the right way to convey himself. I knew I wanted to do the same. 

I worried when writing this that someone would call the act of writing a letter, and this kind of fictional inspiration, “useless drama”. Why not just call my mother? Why not just text? Visit? Well. I want to start with that I had not spoken to my mother in a while when I made this decision. I changed my last name, to cut ties with abuse and to cut ties with a family name that made me feel dysphoric, and I had decided to do the right thing and tell her what I intended to do, before it was done. When I told her over the phone of my intention, she told me it was fine but then proceeded not to speak to me for weeks. When I did hear from her, try to call her, text her, I’d often get cryptic messages, no response or an answer like the one shown here.

To go back even further, to understand why I couldn’t just pull up my socks and call her anyway, you must also understand that my mother is an alcoholic. A binge drinker. Something that I had had to be exposed to since before I was a teen. I learned very quickly that texting was out of the question because her responses often weren’t as lucid as what is shown here, calling was no good because not only could she just not answer or put the phone down, I did not want to talk to a drunk person on the phone about my gender. For once, I wanted to be in control about the way I came out, have control over this facet of my life. So, I thought about Mouse and decided I would write her a letter. One she could not ignore, that also allowed me to explain myself and write from the heart, if I could find the words. 

I remember sitting alone in my flat, agonizing over what to write. I wrote draft after draft and nothing was good. The longer I took to put pen to paper, the longer it had been since we talked, and I had begun not fielding her random texts or calls in fear of her drunkenness. I realised it was not fair to go so long without communication, and I turned to the only inspiration I had: Mouse’s letter. It was a late evening as I sat with a pen, some paper and the poster on the table, reading over what Mouse wrote. I tried not to lift it word for word, but it often said it better than I could have. Do I think it was cheesy? Do I think I could have thought of something better if I agonized over it for a few more days? Yes and yes. But time was not on my side and sometimes cheese is all you’ve got. 

“Dear Mum,

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to contact you properly. Every time I try I realize I’m not telling you the truth. I realize that some of my life decisions may have upset you or seemed foolish because you haven’t really met me. That would be ok if I loved you any less than I do, but you are still my parent and I am still your child. 

If I'm honest, I'm scared to write this letter. These words on page have been waiting to be actualized. Said to you in some form since I was 12. They were withheld, not because I think you are hateful, because you loved and accepted me when I came out as gay. They were withheld because I hate the unknown. If you know me at all, you will know the fear of the unknown crushes me every day.

I might have never told you the following, if it were not for your radio silence after I said I’d be changing the rest of my name. I almost didn't tell you that, either. I told you many reasons for changing my name. Professionalism. Uniqueness. These are true, but the most important reason is because I am Transgender. More specifically, I am a Non-Binary person. Which is to mean am not a man. Not a woman. I am a person who lives in between those binaries. I use they/them pronouns. So, when people refer to me they may say, “This is Jayne, they study sociology.” 

I’m sorry. Not for who I am, being Non-Binary, but for how you must feel right now. I won’t put words in your mouth or project an idea onto you, but I want you to know. This is not a phase. This is who I have always been. And, if you want to love or loath me, at least love or loath your queer, Non-binary child; 

Jayne Oscar Michael Flowers. 

London has made me feel safer. I have people who are like me, who use the correct pronouns, who treasure me and see me as Non-binary. London never made me queer but it sure did queer me. I can do what I truly want here. But that didn’t ease the ache in my heart when you soured at a new change to me. I know that you may have been happier if I had just come out and said the damn thing. For that, I am sorry. 

There’s not much else to say, except that you know me so much better now. I have never done anything consciously to hurt you. I never will. 

Please don’t feel you have to answer right away. It’s enough, for now, to no longer lie to someone who has taught me to value the truth. Anna Madrigal once said, “There is only the truth.” 

People here send their love.

Your child, 

Jayne Oscar Michael Flowers”

I want to finish the story by telling you what happened next. I made the poor decision to tell my mother I’d sent a letter. Why was it poor? Because she spent a week insulting me, bombarding me with texts asking what it was, and if I couldn’t say it on the phone it wasn’t important. It didn’t matter to her how I explained my reasons for choosing a letter, because she didn’t accept it as an answer. Allegedly the letter didn’t arrive, and I had to go through the pain of writing and sending another, it taking even longer to reach her, and her finally receiving it. The two weeks this spanned across were hell for me. 

I wish the call about the letter had happened over text, because in my mind it just turns sour so fast. I was already on edge, vulnerable and angry, due to the situation and the weeks leading up to it. My mother told me she accepted ‘what’ I was, and spoke about me as if I was a thing, an item, a creature. At least, that is how I felt. With a somewhat positive outcome, despite her words, I expressed wanting to try and fix our relationship and address her alcoholism now that I was fully out to her. It had driven an irreparable wedge between us, and if I was on a streak of being honest, I wanted to let it continue. As you can imagine, that did not go down well. I will not delve too deeply into conversations after this to save her some privacy. However, it is needless to say they were not positive ones. The true breaking point was when these conversations turned into her insisting I was only angry because of my coming out, because of my own transness. Not, you know, her alcohol abuse or the decade-long emotional abuse and trauma caused by it. My coming out was weaponized against me on several occasions, used almost as a tool of doublethink whenever I brought up any actual issues. 

I supposed writing this was as cathartic as it was a cautionary tale. I came out, but at what price? With the other factors that adorned my relationship with my mother, would this have happened anyway? Was the familial estrangement that happened a month later, which I will recall on another occasion, worth my own gender freedom? If you come out of the closet for sexuality, do you crawl out of the cupboard under the stairs for gender? I had clambered out of said closet and ended up in that cupboard, and I know I am always better for opening the door again, even if it only adds to my trauma. 

When I finished writing this, I took up the note from Mouse again to read over it once more, comparing it to my own. A thought struck me, and I suppose hindsight is 20/20, which is why I wear reading glasses. Mouse did not continue his coming out journey completely unscathed. His parents had a very similar reaction, so perhaps I should have seen this all coming. There are lots of things you don’t see until you need to see them. Like, as I thumbed over the paper of this poster, I realised after owning this for all this time I had never noticed there was an image of San Francisco impressed onto the page. It made me smile because I feel like I couldn’t see it until now, until writing this. I hope through writing this and sharing it as I begin a wider writing journey, new truths about coming out and living my life authentically will be revealed to me, too. And I hope after reading this the same can be done for you, too. My name is Jayne Oscar Michael Flowers, I am Non-binary, I am Trans, with these things I am also Queer. At the age of 21, I chose no longer to lie about who I am to those I cared about. This was my coming out story.