#-free but at what cost? the one thing that made him happy wasnt there anymore. but this was the punishment for his sins.

[fatuismooches]

OH. MY. GOD...... please GO READ EVERY ONE

eons adrift ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ wanderer x gn!reader

˗ˏˋ꒰ 🎐 ꒱ "i'll come and find you in every life celestia will give me." "that's not possible, you and i both know that." "watch me!"

 ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ cw: character analysis-ish, mildly proofread, drabble but it's kinda messy, its more like an idea than a fic LOLLL im sorry, hurt/comfort

scaramouche took you for a naive fool, just as he was when oh so stupidly believed those words as kunikuzushi.

you are but a human. a mere breath of his everlasting eternity. a few hundreds of years and he would forget everything about you.

insignificant, you humans were.

frail.

vulnerable.

so so easy to break.

as he walked into the path of darkness; consuming him and turning him into someone he doesn't recognize in the mirror no longer—kabukimono, kunikuzushi, the love of your life, was long gone. memories like the leaves that turn yellow and crumble to ashes as winter approaches.

yet the winter will remain in his empty chest for as long as he walks teyvat. churning into a blizzard of ice cold pain, destroying everything around him as it grows. he continues to walk this wretched path he chose.

but then he met someone, rekindling the spark that was once there beneath his porcelain skin. trying to light up a burn out wick, to bring an end to his winter and bring forth the beautiful spring he was once.

scaramouche never thought he'd love again.

even after all through the pain he went from the doctor's experiments, after roaming the great expanse of the abyss, after becoming the balladeer, the 6th of the fatui harbingers, he still felt.

love.

happiness.

pain.

sorrow.

and regret.

he hates it, but he loves them, just as much as he loved you.

though he allowed someone new worm their way into his heart, he kept them in arm's reach. he cannot bear to be vulnerable to someone else. they were human, they were to die; he is a puppet, he is meant to live on forever.

but then he heard them say things only you would say. giving him lavender melons you bought off the market, accidentally calling him names only you would know.

he remember that promise you made him before you died.

"i'll come and find you in every life celestia will give me."

scaramouche did not understand what he felt when he realized that his new lover, was in fact, just a reincarnation of you. and just like that, your name burns back itself into his mind—a name he thought he had erased into obscurity, along with his past.

he was a fool, scaramouche thought. he laughed at himself, a laugh void of humor, nor joy.

it was your name, your first incarnation, just in a different language.

it appears that scaramouche didn't like this feeling. of bitter butterflies in his stomach, the familiarity when you try to get close to him, the same smile you had, the light full of love in your eyes—it was all too much for him.

so he left you in the snow of his ever growing blizzard. buried under the thick layers of freezing ice.

and again, to your next reincarnation. a fatui, a vendor, an adventurer, a knight, a scholar—male, female, neither, or all of them; tall, short, plump, slim, dark or light skinned,

he cannot bear to lose you just as he first did.

slipping by his fingers, to the one thing he is not affected by.

death.

he doesn't accept the fact that your love has led you back to him, again and again.

why do you even keep coming back? don't you know he's part of the fatui? don't you know what he has done? don't you know what he has become?

and yet you'd knock on his door, calling his name with your voice full of warmth, arms wide for him to take and allow himself to be called yours again—all he had to do was open the door.

he has kept a lock on it ever since he met you again.

worn down and rotten; chains all rusted, handle jammed and barely working. he approaches the door once again. this time, as wanderer. a better version of himself,

one that's finally willing to open the door to you.

but you weren't there anymore, waiting for him on the other side.

how could you? you were never there in the first place.

not with this version of himself.

not as the wanderer.

and maybe that was for the best. even though he cries himself to sleep at night for all the things he has done to you. weeping, as he curls onto the sheets, praying to the stars above in hopes you'd hear his heartbroken apologies, yearning for your love, your touch, your smiles—

this was his punishment for hurting you, for being a fool. he was underserving of your love, after all.

"hey, wanderer, was it?"

a new voice, someone unfamiliar. he refrained from sighing, for buer's sake, and instead took a deep, refreshing breath. he turns, and the stranger smiles brightly at him.

immediately, as if the winds of spring has hit him all so suddenly in the face. the fragrance of blooming flowers that was once buried under the snow, the sun shining brightly in the skies, and birds chirping symphonies.

like the mornings brimming with new found hope, the smell of dew sticking onto his clothes as he trace his fingers all over the a tree's trunk. like the the juices of a fruit he sank his teeth into, dribbling down the corners of his lips and down his arms.

warmth tingled on his skin, and his heart leaps.

"nice to meet you!" you say your name, a name he has heard hundreds of versions before, all so different and yet they all felt and tasted like honey dripping down his tongue. "i hope we get along."

"yeah," he says, almost breathless, as the tears begins to well in his eyes. his fingers tremble, and his smile grew wobbly. tipping his hat down to avoid your gaze, his voice cracks. "i hope so too."

his door was wide open, waiting for you come in.

you grin, and take a step inside.

 ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

author's note: "i thought this was a dottore only blog? SHUT UP!!!!! SHUT UP!!! 🥹🥹🥹🥹 IM MAD AT MYSELF TOO BUT THIS IS FOR @fatuismooches also new format because im too lazy to open my files :/ not back yet, i just wanna write this for the pookie 💗💗 ty for listening to me ramble like a madman ur single handedly gettin me thru it ong LMAOOO /lh

[slow-button-off]

Mattia and charles both saying they were happy with the pace. I just can't understand because even with charles new softs after the 2nd stop vs Max's not very new mediums he was barely catching him. Even in Max's first stint, when charles had already pitted for the mediums and max was going long on the softs, max wasnt losing a crazy amount. It's actually scary to see the laptime difference of charles on new mediums after the 1st stop vs carlos on his old mediums compared to max on his old softs. Carlos' old mediums were doing so much worse than Max's old softs, and yeah max has clean air and carlos did more overtaking, but I don't think it would make thaaaat big a difference in laptimes. Maybe Mattia and charles means the laptime is good when they comparing to Spa and the recent races and its good for monza where they were expecting to struggle. But I just can't see how you can be satisfied that you've gone backwards vs your rivals for a few races and now you're happy because you're not as backwards as you initially were. Like the second half of the season is for bringing updates to improve the car, not make it slower and then pat yourself on the back when you make it not so slow anymore. Very sad to look at the gap in pace now vs what we had in the beginning of the year. I really think they've dropped the ball on developing the car (sorry if this is very confusing, just needed to get it out)

Don't worry I got what you are saying and feel free to keep ranting in my inbox!

So I think there are multiple things that combine that make them happy about the race pace. I haven't looked at race pace plots yet so I don't have the full full picture (I might post some tomorrow).

Ferrari were always going to have more tyre deg than the RB and the track was hotter today than it was during the other session so that increases the tyre deg even more especially when you are running low downforce. And the RB was running more downforce so they were always going to be better on their tyres. Plus RB just have been better than Ferrari on the tyres lately in general but less downforce means more sliding and sliding when it's hot is death to the tyres. But they had to go with low downforce.

Spa is also definitely part of it. Monza was never going to be a Ferrari track this season but after Spa it looked pretty bleak. And things in the end were much better than expected! Charles took pole on merit, and they clearly had the second fastest car.

I still don't think that the upgrades made the car any slower and Monza isn't really the track to measure that on anyway. To me it looks like the new floor + the TD just shrank the setup window significantly. The Floor probably made the car faster but getting that setup absolutely right got more difficult and it changed the balance and how the car interacts with the tyres so they had to work that one out again. The Ferrari had horrible deg in Imola and Miami too and then they figured it out. So I hope that they will do the same now.

I think they are also happy because they didn't really seem to understand the car much lately but after the extra tests with the old floor they seemed to make some progress there in Monza. Because the tyres were working! There was higher deg but again that's a downforce and temps issue too. But they got them working.

I do think that they probably could've done better with some developments but they aren't the first team where something doesn't immediately work out. Like RB were trying a floor in Austria that didn't work and then they scrapped it but now because of the cost cap the two drivers are running different floors.

The thing is it's so hard to actually know whether an upgrade will work and then they usually don't work 100% the way that the engineers think it will. That's just down to 60% wind tunnel and only a certain amount of wind tunnel and other simulations hours that they are allowed to use.

So I think the pat on the back is justified considering it was Monza and how the last few races went. Add onto that it looks like they are understanding their setup window some more now and that is always a good sign.

It wasn't perfect but it was a decent step forward after the last few races.

[xplrvibes]

Not Sam the literal guy who told us not to put so much energy into vacations & time off, crying over his life “feeling like a job” now. Wasnt this the same man who has been posting about expensive meals, and amazing friends, and amazing parties, and woo hoo this and woo hoo that?? So it’s all been for show you say? And he really wasnt or hasnt been “having the time of his life?”. I think instead of buying self help books for dummies, this man needs to take a crash course on sociology, and human behavior/social environment to really understand where most of his followers are coming from because he does not present himself to be relatable at all. Its like me reading one history chapter and calling myself a historian. He works for himself and complains more than someone like myself with a grummy 9-5 would, and not saying he isnt allowed to complain but why write bullshit think piece after bullshit think piece telling fans that vacations and relaxing arent all thats cracked up to be. He goes back and forth. Why not be real and show who you really are rather than pretending shitty music being played by a boombox is making you have the time of your life with “friends” who come and go yet always seem to be the best people ever for 2.5 seconds.

Sorry for ranting but this kid is really getting on my nerves, and i think you always give real raw opinions on them instead of sugar coating everything.

I will say this: for better or worse, his speech on snap yesterday was probably the most real I've ever seen him be. No bullshit, no trying to sell us a bill of goods about how great life is...nope, it was just, "Things are really hard and I'm very stressed about it."

I appreciated hearing that more than some "working all day, everyday, is the only way you'll ever achieve true greatness and happiness," bs.

Sam is hard to figure out and relate to, because he's so damn focused on building a persona of himself instead of just being himself that it just comes across sometimes (to me at least) as someone who is just playing a part in a one-man show that we all didn't know we bought tickets to, and that's the thing that can sometimes be grating about his little "think" pieces. They aren't always genuine, they aren't always true, and I don't think they are truly him- they come off as the him he wants to be perceived as, and not the person he is inside.

I also think a lot of his posts about loving the job and the grind and the "party life" is all part of that- he wants to be perceived as a fun guy with a great life and an internal library of great stories and life lessons because of it, and sometimes he has to alter the perception a bit to make the reality he's presenting fit the narrative he's tryjng to present, you know what I mean? I believe they call it "smoke and mirrors."

Now, does that mean he isn't always having a grand time in life? No, he does have a unique and high adrenaline, fun life and I'd love to hear all about it- but I can never tell with him when he's genuinely having fun and having a good day vs when the smoke and mirrors are out in full force and hes trying to justify a way to continue to live at as fast of a pace as he's living, or trying to sell this made up perception of himself. Whats real and what's a bill of goods? I don't know. I don't even know if he knows anymore, which is a little sad.

The food posts, btw, are them just trying to use payola to their advantage to get a free meal, which I have no issue with- if I had that kind of juice, you'd best believe I'd never pay for food again lol.

Anyway, for once, he wasn't sugar coating shit yesterday. He wasn't trying to sell anyone (at least on snap) on how great life is. He's stressed, his life choices are starting to cost him strain in places he didn't realize he couldn't afford to have strained (primarily relationships) and he's approaching burnout.

And btw- I said they would burn out eventually, if they had to do their own editing. I said this back when their fandom bullied them back into doing their own editing again, and look where we are, right on cue. Sam's crying in the parking lot of the post office, Colby's turned into a self help guru on snapchat as a way to try and avoid his own issues, they've got two mansions and no furniture in either one and that is somehow a great symbolism for how empty their lives are right now.

Let these boys have editors.

Anywho, Sam, if youre out there in tumbrland (please dont be out there in tumblrland): I'd appreciate it greatly if you were more honest and direct, not just with us, but with yourself more often. Not everything needs to be a Ted talk, a teachable moment, or a self-help quote. Sometimes, life is awesome and sometimes it's balls. Be honest and raw and not preachy about it all, and for fucks sake- stop trying to sell that more work = more happiness, cause you, Sam and Colby, are a textbook example of that not always being the case.

Also, please don't ever tell people again that vacations aren't the bomb dot com, as we used to say way back in the 1990s. Downtime is a necessary tool for anyone looking to not burn out completely.

[earthlyemily]

I’m struggling so much financially and honestly just wanted to vent somewhere. I’ve always lived in poverty and I think in my whole life I’ve had maybe 2 years where I didn’t have to stress about money and not be able to buy groceries or pay rent or be put into collections for not being able to make payments etc and that was when I was in college. For at least the past 5 years I’ve been struggling but I never talk about it. I don’t even know where to start haha I don’t even know what it’s like to not stress financially and be in debt. I’ll just start with the first things that come to mind with what I’m owing maybe. So it’s Dec. 23 and rent was due yesterday because we moved into this small suite attached to someone’s house on Nov. 22. It’s $1200 which is so expensive, but also the average price for BC if not even cheaper for a one-bedroom with a yard, utilities included. and no first and last, no pet deposits, etc because this is just short them for 4 months until the end of March because i reached out and asked and they said yes.

After 1 month I already remember why we went into the trailer almost 2 years ago and it’s literally because we can’t afford any other lifestyle. I think that’s the difference between us and some people that live in trailers, vans, etc. like we lived in a mouse & mouse shit infested trailer for 6 months breathing in their feces and urine and having it all over all our belongings. i literally had to take my whole life to the dump and we officially have no food storage because they ruined it all. there were at least 50-60 mice because a few birth cycles happened in the ceiling. I could write a whole post about my experience of living with field mice, but now isn’t the time so for rent, i only had $600 yesterday so that’s what I gave them. thank goodness they were okay with me asking for a few more days to make the other half. but I don’t even know when that’s going to be :(

my etsy shop veganveins has been doing so bad lately for more than one reason, most of my orders are just postcards and stickers, and while I’m grateful for them, that $1-3 profit isn’t going to keep my business going. and it’s so hard for me to work lately. the wifi doesn’t work sometimes for hours and I always get distracted by shawn and the dogs working from home in a small space. I need to get better at my time management. I got up at 8:30 today which is actually early for me so I’m proud of myself. I’m chronically ill and I really need to go get a blood test and see what’s happening because I haven’t gotten one since being diagnosed with graves disease again 1.5 years ago. anyways. i switched to a print on demand method this year for veganveins for some shirts and sweaters because i couldn’t afford to keep ordering shirts in bulk, and it’s honestly been so, so expensive and i barely make any profit. I’m currently owing my t-shirt printer $999 on one invoice (it was originally $2196 so I’ve at least paid half of it) but that was 2 weeks ago and I still need to pay it. Mario, my t-shirt printer has been with me since I started veganveins and I’m so grateful he gives me extensions on paying the invoices. every other t-shirt printer I’ve ever asked has said no. in addition to the $999 there’s going to be another $2200 invoice I’ll be receiving this week for my last order. I think because of the holidays he’s going to give me some time to pay off that too, but the problem is when I have outstanding invoices he doesn’t print new orders for me. He’s closed now until Jan. 4 so I just need to somehow make that much before then.

btw I don’t have a credit card ($8500 all used on veganveins and it got put into collections last march) and I had a fully used $5000 line of credit but I got a debt consolidation loan for $16,000 1 month ago and my payment for that is $167 a month. it fully paid off and closed my credit card and line of credit + $3000 overdraft which is nice. but now I don’t have any extra money except for what comes in. my credit is only 640 which is really bad in canada so I won’t get approved for a new credit card or loan until I build that up, which is going to be a few months of regular payments. so for regular payments, the $167 for the loan is due on Dec. 27. Yesterday the trailer loan which is literally unliveable from what the mice did until we renovate it came out for $260, that’s how much I pay once a month for it on the 22nd. I didn’t have $260 in my account so it got rejected and I got charged a $48 NSF fee. omg if anyone is reading this long i’m shook. i’m genuinely just writing this for myself to process my feelings and in case anyone was curious about my financial situation here you go haha. maybe some of you can relate, maybe some can’t. anyways. so now I somehow have to get $260 in my account for that for when they try to take it out again in the next few days.

another payment that was supposed to come out yesterday but hasn’t, but I’m sure will come out today is our truck loan. they deferred it for 8 months because of covid which was so nice, but we started paying it again 2 months ago. for both those months I called and made my payment a later date and that helped, but there’s barely any service here so when I called 4 times yesterday to try and change the date the payment comes out, I was on hold for 20-30 mins then my phone would disconnect and hang up. so that’s $586 and it will come out today, I have $0.46 in my account right now so it will get rejected and I’ll get charged another $48 NSF fee. this is why being poor always costs more and the banks are always harsher on those who don’t have money. today I’ll try calling again to see if I can ask for it to come out on a different day like january 10 instead, so I can first have time to pay rent and the trailer and also our $190 truck insurance which got rejected from my account 3 days ago, which was another $48 NSF fee. oh and something else i’m so stressed about is CIBC is going to put me into collections on December 28 if I don’t pay $1000, $700 of which is purely their fees. I have a $300 overdraft which they said i have to cover by then and the $700 is literally their $48 fees added up over the past 3 months. I got a text from them today saying my account is over and it’s because an amnesty international $11 monthly donation came out and obvi there’s no money in there, so that’s another $48 they charged. they’ve already given me a month to pay it and don’t want to wait any longer :(

I owe everyone in my family money, my sister $1650, my mom $700 and my brother also lent me $700. none of my siblings have money either and my mom definitely doesn’t so I hate that i had to borrow that much, and it’s literally been months. thankfully they’re so patient but i can’t wait to not owe them that

omg and i can’t even think about the amount of money shawn’s grandma has lent us. she’s genuinely the only reason we haven’t been completely homeless. but it’s a lot. like i don’t even want to say the number on here. she let us use it from her line of credit over the years and we’ve been slowly paying her back, but she lets us go months at a time without making a payment which i honestly hate doing, but have no choice. i’ve felt a lot of shame and guilt about this, but I also know that she genuinely would rather help us than see us suffer.

so i’m gonna talk about a big reason I’m broke this month especially - saving a pig named buster. his rescue cost me $1850 out of pocket that I didn’t have. but otherwise he was going to be killed in 2 days, he was my baby and I loved him so I had to do it. I somehow made $1350 that went towards it but I’m still owing $500, which I just asked for an extension for today until the new year. i’m not really supposed to talk about it but everything I’ve ever posted here has stayed here, so that cost was literally just from me buying the pig off the farmer. myself along with everyone else ive talked to is disgusted that he charged that much, but he wasnt budging and if that’s what it was going to take, of course I’m going to do it. I wouldn’t think twice about doing it for my dogs and Buster was smarter and more affectionate than them. i love him and I’m so happy he was saved. a non-profit organization transported him to a sanctuary and it was my biggest wish come true and the happiest moment I’ve had all year. my eyes are literally tearing up haha i love him so much. i could write a whole post about his neglect but basically he hasn’t had fresh water in weeks, he was only being fed handfuls of mixed nuts, he was constantly dirty in a muddy enclosure with an electric fence that he was always getting shocked on. he never got true love or affection except for when I gave him it. i posted an instagram story about him and asked people to message me and that i needed help, 2 people donated $111 and $120 each, and 2 other people donated $15 and $12. Someone also e-transferred me $20. These 4 donations equaled almost $300 ($277) and I was so grateful for those people wanting to help me help buster. if anyone else wants to help me with the cost of his rescue i still do need help and would appreciate it so much. this feels really weird and vulnerable for me to do and i’m sorry if anyone is annoyed by this post, I just genuinely am struggling and figured if someone does have extra and wants to help, there isn’t harm in that. but i do feel guilty for asking because i know there are so many other people struggling out there that need even more help than i do :(

i haven’t talked about it publically but i guess I will now, this farmer that I bought buster off of is the owner of the organic vegetable farm i was living and working at this past spring and summer. we worked really hard all summer to be able to stay there and park for free in the winter, but this past fall he told us no one was allowed to stay at the farm anymore, including us, so we had to find a new place to bring our 14ft trailer in to live. so that was an unexpected bummer and if we had known we wouldn’t be allowed staying there anymore (despite doing the labour of $1200 a month for free harvesting organic kale, for an off-grid spot he told us was worth $350 a month to park) we wouldn’t have driven 8 hours with the trailer and we would have stayed in the snow in northern BC and sucked it up and lived on the land we got the opportunity to rent this fall. Donna, the woman who is renting the land to us has been the biggest blessing in my life this year. I love her so much. Basically, she’s letting us live on 170 acres for $600 a month. letting us do whatever we want on the land (building a cabin, setting up rainwater catchment systems, having a solar passive greenhouse and a huge garden) LIKE WHAT. we could even open a farm sanctuary if we had money, i wanted to so bad but obviously that dream didn’t even come close to being reality. opportunities like this literally don’t exist in canada, especially not in BC. i cant even process my gratitude, i cry everytime i think about it. when we go back in the spring it’s going to be the beginning of the rest of our life :) i want to rescue so many senior dogs. everything we’ve always wanted to do we’ll be able to do, assuming we have money haha. but i want to have an organic farm and grow veggies to donate to families in need, especially since we live on stolen indiginious land and I see how the goverment actively restricts their access to fresh healthy produce. but anyways by then it was too dangerous to drive 8 hours back hauling a trailer in the snow and it was just easier to stay in the okanagan until the spring. i know the farmer probably doesn’t realize this and he’s also probably struggling financially but not being able to stay at the farm for the winter months we worked for, and buying buster for that price is a big reason I’m in the financial stress I am now so I figured i’d talk about it.

anyways. i think this is long enough and i think anyone reading this gets the point, i’m drowning in debt, my small business is almost costing me more to run and i’m not making nearly enough profit to live, the past few months ive been living off grid (not by choice) and just focused literally on surviving and not freezing and getting water etc and not having service or internet has affected me negatively. there’s internet now in the suite I’m in, it works really good in the morning and not as well at night, like for example tumblr doesn’t work past 5 pm for me to post photos. but ive been in a bad sleep schedule since i got here that i need to change. im sick and i need to heal myself. tomorrow i’ll set my alarm for 7:30. hopefully i make some money today. i got a social media managing job and it will end up being $1000 a month once i do the 3+ hours a day of work which im already feeling like i barely have time for my own basic life tasks. but i can do this.

if anyone reading this wants to help me out a bit, my paypal email is emilymiddin@hotmail.com or http://www.paypal.com/paypalme/veganveins

and my e-transfer email is emilymiddin@icloud.com i have auto deposit so you won’t have to ask a question :)

this is my first time in 7 years i’ve made a post like this or asked for help. i won’t do it again but figured i have nothing to lose. if you read up to here i love you a lot and thank you so much for being here <3

[yggdrasil-mith0s]

Wtf wtf. I have to rant so please ignore this. Truly it's just a rant and way for me to vent right now and just talk to the void. I actually dont want anyone to read this cause it's me crying and venting. I dont want to annoy anyone or worry anyone so just scroll past. I'll probably delete it soon.

My roommate is fucked up, I think. He woke me up, threatening to kick me out saying I owe him 250 in rent. He said I didnt pay the second half of it. Which we talked about it a while ago and he said I was okay. That we were squared away cause I paid an extra 250 in October when there was 3 pay periods in the month. I told him I was short and my check was shit and brought up October. He said it was okay and I still paid him 100 but now he is saying I still owe him 250. I'm so close to moving out but i cant until i get my car but i might be kicked out anyways? Idk what to do. Why does bad shit keep happening. My anxiety cant take anymore, I am about to break. Im gonna have another panic attack here soon. I know it. I cant. I cant do this anymore. Im tired of my life. Im tired of living in this shit. Please someone get me out of this hell hole. Someone get me a job doing whatever anywhere else and I will be so grateful. I will work my ass off. I need help. I need to get away from this area. I was happy when I got to NC because I wasnt around all these bullshit people and liars. Now I'm stuck back in this town and I just want to get away. I want a job that pays well. Or a job that's hard working but gives me a place to stay. I'm not religious, though I grew up going to church, but I've been rocking back and forth praying to god a miracle happens or something changes. Idk if god even exist or even so if he would listen to me. I dont deserve this. I know I dont. I've been clean for over 2 years trying my hardest. I made all my amends. I've been giving and giving. I help so many people even if it's small stuff like picking up a few bucks that someone was short on for food at work. Or giving them free food/desert just cause they are kind. I always hold doors open, I gave people rides even when I couldn't afford gas. I dont have a car anymore but I would do the same now. It's going to cost me 300 total to get my car back now. Some as a down payment, gas to it, and gas otw back cause I owe 500+technically to the tow place. But I cant afford that. I had some but had to use it for food. I wish I would've worked while I had the flu but I knew I would get other people sick so I didnt. I was out 10 days and only had 2 short days on the pay period. I've racked up decent hours for this pay period cause my boss gave me 2 doubles to help make up but it doesn't help when I get paid the friday after next. I'm so so so screwed now and I'm panicking and dont know what to do. I've asked for too much help and I dont want to ask, I'd rather give up. Thatd the best thing for me to do instead of annoy people. I'm sure people are sick of me. I'm sick of me at this point tbh. I tbh. I give up. I'm done. I cant do this anymore. I'm sorry but I can't. I love you all so much and appreciate everything. I'm sorry I'm a failure, though. I'm sorry I never amounted to anything more. I'm so sorry that I have no strength left to fight. I know the stupid little kind things and gestures I do doesn't mean the world or anyone else owes me anything at all. I know that's not how things work. No one owes me shit but c'mon God/karma/whatever. Please give me a break. I cant fight and keep going like this anymore. I'm begging and pleading for a break right now.

[imherebecausemymomdoesntloveme]

Chaotic Neutral (2/??)

Summary: The residence of Storybrooke concoct a plan to rid their town of this newfound threat. With the help of Regina and Henry, they try and convince Carter to leave on her own accord. 

Word Count: 1538

Warnings:?? none 

feel free to leave suggestions or prompts!! 

“You really don’t have to help me, I’ll be fine on my own,” said the girl, sitting on a spare bed in Regina’s home. Ms. Mills had her doubts about the kid. It wasnt a terrific thing to have a very powerful and possibly temperamental child running about the streets. Carter looked to be around Henry’s age, perhaps a tad older. She was someone that they’d like to keep their eye on.

“It’s really no problem, I can’t have a young girl all alone in the forests,” Regina replied. More like she didn’t want the kid to be left to her own devices. Who knows how much power she had or how well she could control it. “How old are you anyways?”

“Well, I don’t really know. All I know is that I’ve been around as long as the fairy tales have existed. I was the first of the authors creations…” The kid replied, observing the room.

“So you’ve been stuck in that body this whole time?” Regina remarked. Sure, time worked a bit differently with magic, Rumplestiltskin was surely old enough to have generations of children (if he could ever get anyone to love him) but even then, he had some wear and tear. This child was absolutely radiant in energy and youth. She didn’t even have eyes stained with war, not that Regina could see.

“Well, no. I’m able to change appearances as I please. The sorcerer thought that, y’know, that would be good for stealth and stuff.” Regina just noticed, the girl did not have a single item with her. Not a luggage, no type of possession. She didn’t need it. She had all the magic she could ever need.

Regina looked closer at the kid. She saw herself. And not in a shapeshifty kind of way, but when Regina looked into Carter’s eyes once more, searching for the death ridden bags or lifeless gaze, she only found sadness- rather, emptiness. Regina understood what it looked like to be alone. She had spent so many years looking such.

She left Carter alone, not wanting to pry anymore.

She soon after rejoined Emma and her family at Mary Margaret's house, in need of an emergency meeting over the newfound threat.

“So, where’s the kid?” David asked, no longer having the forgiving tone that he once had in the diner.

“She’s in the house with Henry, probably hanging out as I see that they get along,” Regina replied, partially defending the girl.

“And you trust her with him?” Mary Margaret gasped, concern staining her voice.

“I can assure you, she means no harm.” Regina took a sip of her coffee, “I could see it in her eyes. She looked.. sorta empty.”

“Isn’t being empty, like, a motive to become evil? We all just got our ‘Happy Beginnings’ less than a year ago! I’m not going to chance it,” Hook said. Many of the group nodded in agreement. They didn’t have anything personally against Carter, but things were finally beginning to become normal. None of them wanted to give that up.

“So then what are we supposed to do? Kill her? She’s an immortal entity,” Regina retorted. As much as she didn’t like it, Regina had seen herself behind Carter’s facade. She had seen her lonely years, trying to fill the hole in her heart with revenge. Distracting herself. Carter- she had a different problem. She busied herself with other so much that she forgot to be happy and enjoy herself. Regina didn’t want to hurt her or banish her. She wanted to help.

“Then.. we’ll send her away,” David chimed. David was among the most fearful of losing his happy ending.  

“And what makes you think she won’t portal herself back to this land?” Emma added. None of them were willing to admit, but all were slightly jealous of the bookworms unlimited power. Portal making would make all their troubles much smaller. In spite of this, none recognized the great cost of that magic. They feared losing their happy ending, not realizing that Carter could never have one herself. It wasn’t that Carter didn’t have the time to give herself a happy ending, but that she wasn’t willing to risk receiving one. Having a happy ending could interfere with the story or end hers. If her story ends, she would no longer be able to assist all those in need. Such a burden would disrupt any type of conclusion.

“Why don’t we just find her an assignment. Give her a person to fix and then she’ll be on her way,” Regina suggested, “Someone that would take her ages to fix… Someone who is all kinds of messed up. By the time she’s done we’ll have been gone from this town and into the next.”

“I don’t think you mean who, I think you mean where,” Hook interjected, “Let’s send her to Neverland.”

--

“Henry, are you sure that you can do this?” Emma cautioned.

“Yeah! It’s not like this is a secret mission,” Henry reassured, “As her friend, I’m going to give her a suggestion as to where she could help out.”

As Henry entered the room Emma tried to calm herself down. Why was she so nervous all of the sudden? This girl had done close to nothing and yet here they were taking every precaution protect their safety. Their safety weren’t even at risk. The truth was, the heroes weren’t scared or worried. As much as they hate to admit, they’ve become bored. Every one of them have been fighting a battle since day one. They weren’t accustomed to normal life where the most difficult challenge you have is filing your taxes. They were doing the right thing helping out Carter.

“Hey Bird!” Henry chirped, entering the room where the girl was lazily playing a video game she didn’t seem to be much good at.

“Hey Mother Hen, what’s up?” She paused the game.

“Nothing much, I was just thinking about how you fit within the book and I was wondering, why are you here?” He blurted, “Not to be rude…”

“Oh it’s fine,” she chuckled, “Well, honestly, I’m not too sure. I guess this place had a big ending. Or beginning or whatever you guys would like to call it. I was sorta just called here, but it seems that you guys aren’t in need of any assistance so I’ve been just enjoying the milkshakes.

“I have a feeling that this story… isn’t over yet, but honestly who knows.” She finished.

“Why even waste your time here? You are such an important asset to the harmony and function of all the fairytales, shouldn’t you like utilize your time and go help someplace that needs it now and then come back later?” Henry asked.

“I suppose you’re right. Things aren’t wrapped up here anyways, I should get going.” She began to pace the room, mentally getting ready to take a journey.

“Where are you gonna go?” Henry crinkled his eyebrows, analyzing Birds steps.

“Not sure, but I’ll figure it out when I get there,” she answered honestly.

“Maybe you could go to Neverland. Last time I was there the place as in anarchy, the only kids left there are super evil. You could help them be happy!” Henry smiled, attempting to calm down carter who was very obviously worrying.

“What if i can’t give them a happy ending.. What if I fail?” Bandit sat down, a vacant look on her face.

“You won’t I believe in you. If you ever need my help just pop in and we can figure it out together. I’m the author and you’re the happily ever after repair troops. We’re practically brother and sister.”

“Actually there is one thing…” Bandit admitted, “Can I see your story book?”

Henry pulled it out of his backpack, holding it in his lap. Carter then duplicated it into her own hands and made it vanish into the place where she likes to store her things. (the void ;)

“Thank-you Henry. I’ll be back for another milkshake eventually,” Carter chuckled out as she stepped through a portal that had just appeared. Just like that she was gone.

[hotcocosharing]

Second Chance Part 14 (IM RP)

Shunichiro Tachibana 

I never mean for it to happen. Actually, I’ve done everything in my power to prevent myself from this exact situation however going to her place would be worst. At least, I will be no where near this comfortable in lying on someone’s bed or start a feast without waiting.

With chips in my mouth and a bottle of coke in hand, I almost cry in joy. “God, I feel alive again.” Midi giggles and snatches a handful of fries into her mouth, not very ladylike but neither of us care about formality anymore. Although I resist the urge to laugh, the biggest grin slowly crawling across my heated cheeks as I hand her the half burger.

After my saving grace of the best junk food, I flop back onto the hotel’s bed as the pills begin to get to me as well as my memory. The flu must be really bad since my mind have been playing tricks on me all day but I’m sick, gonna cut myself some slack here.

Letting out a long, slow sigh as I roll to a side and wonder if I should take my vest off but stripping anything more than my suit jacket maybe a misleading move, so I lay as still as a rock and have my eyes closed. Ignoring the hot and cold shivering within my aching body as a familiar scene plays in my head.

It was an anniversary trip, was it third or fourth anniversary, or possibly the fifth. I could not remember which year it was but that was a trip both of us couldn’t forget since it took forever for it to finally happened. Midi had been complaining for years (which she’s rightfully so) that my work was always in our way and as soon as a project came through I took leave and booked two tickets to Australia. Despite the first 20 minutes of yelling on the phone for almost costing her job and whinning of the unprepared packing, the girl could not hold her smirk all the way onto the flight.

The first few days were perfect, everywhere was lovely. With the right person by your side, anywhere was superb until I fell ill and stuck in bed for two whole days. Midi nursed me back to health and kept her sense of humor by putting on a nurse outfit (with nurse cap!) but the most vivid moment during that trip was the time I rested on her lap while she stroked my bangs with whatever movie was playing on tv.

Feeling the same kind of warmth wrap around me and the gentle touch through my hair, I vaguely murmur the same thing. “You’re the best you know that Midi….. I love you so much, you know that, right?”

Midori Katayani 

Whether Shunichiro likes it or not, as soon as he’s on the bed, I’m quick to spot an empty space on the right - that was always my side- and crawl on getting comfortable in the gap it seems he’s almost left vacant for me or at least that’s my wishful thinking. I had been looking forward to tonight; from the networking through to the gossiping which happens all to regularly at functions such as this, the free drinks, the dressing to impress, the showing off of a date - the whole kit and caboodle. Right now though, I’m can’t quite contain how thrilled I am something so simple such as this is happening. It’s just like how it use to be, or it’s at least how I like to remember it being. A little bickering which always eventually turned into smiling in one way or another. Having my entire world trapped inside one person who was always by my side and next to me. I was happy, right now made me happy - even if Shun and I weren’t together emotionally or physically, simply having him around eased and completed me. I hadn’t felt this satisfied since the night I walked out three years ago - a night I’d regretted every single god darn day since. Reaching out to stroke his hair how I always did whether it was a concerning I’m taking care of you’ gesture or a sweet ‘good morning sleepy’ everything seemed to be just fine and dandy until a few uttered words I wasn’t expecting to hear shattered me into a million tiny pieces. “You’re the best you know that Midi….. I love you so much, you know that, right?” Was it the tablets I’d insisted he take? Was the food drugged that he just ate? Was it a slip of the tongue he was about to retract and tell me to forget? Was it honest or just a tactic to try get me into bed? Overwhelmed by the constant mixed messages he was not only receiving from me but also himself sending, I figured that now was better than never to make some kind of move. Shuffling closer across the bed to where Shun laid, I took the liberty of letting a gentle fingertip trace along the line of his jaw and draw softly onto his chest, eventually stopping at the first button which it met as resistance on his vest. The soft fabric under touch was incrediblt satisfying. Being this close, the overwhelming scent of his earthy, signature cologne was beginning to make my head spin. If he rejected what I was about to do, I could possibly, if my excuse was cunning enough blame it on, blame it on… fuck it. I didn’t waste time closing in. The kiss was soft; deliberately, just like a first kiss should be - I needed to define just how far he’d let me push this without causing a problem which could lead us further back than square one unfortunately. As much as I wanted this, not wanting to take control or advantage of situation that wasnt mutual in agreement, I broke the kiss, caught my breath and rolled away. “You need to rest so get some sleep”, I muttered quietly beneath my breath - throat burning dry, “If you still feel the same way we can talk about it in the morning.”

[tumblunni]

Ok just... just... GIVE ME A SECOND to talk about the spoilery monster rancher stuffs, okay? Why THAT ENDING hurt so much but also fit so well with the rest of it, and why the third season kinda sucked so much despite being the continuation we all desperately craved. And why its still gonna have a place in everyone’s hearts, even the haters, JUST because it gave a conclusion to THAT FUCKING ENDING! I dont care if people say it would be more deep or whatever to leave on the downer cliffhanger, I still think it SHOULD have had a third season, just that it should have been better. Or I mean... maybe it would have worked better as a movie or a short ten episode season or something. Just there should have been SOME sequel to that ending, but a very very lighthearted season about a goofy tournement kinda wasnt what it should have been.

OKAY THE ENDING THE SEASON 2 ENDING the giant and damn awesome subversion of everything about the genre, which fit so well with everything else the show ever did, GAHHH Like.. there were SO MANY subversions and just interesting detailed twists on common ‘mon show’ tropes. One of the earliest episodes begins with an asshole trainer treating his Worm monster the same way a lot of people honestly might do while min-maxing in one of these videogames. He’s disgustingly abusive and feels like he’s justified because he’s making his monster stronger, and that’s all that it’s good for. And the show establishes its tearjerker tone early on by having this guy only repent after his horribly abused monster sacrifices itself to save him from the baddies, even after how badly he’d treated it. And he’s begging apologies to its dead disc stone, while it’s too late to do anything about it. But the show STILL gives him a chance at redemption, because our heroes trust him to raise a new newborn Worm, and to do it right. That’s just... what the show is. It went really REALLY dark, but it did this with this kind of determined optimism! And even the funnier episodes could have high stakes, and there was always the reminder that we were living in this dystopia and just trying to keep our smiles during it, because otherwise how can we change it?

And thats why season 3 fumbled by like.. not introducing its stakes early enough. Or.. at all. it was good that they finally introduced some good comic relief villains and generally villains with more motivations and backstory, but it combined badly with the no-intial-high-stakes thing to give a season that just felt way too happy. In a show that certainly had happiness in it before, but I mean it never felt hollow?? It kinda felt disrespectful to follow up a super depressing cliffhanger with such a badly explained and rushed flip back to the status quo, and then such a sparse plot with so few incentives to keep watching. Its only initial good point was that it resolved the cliffhanger AT ALL, but it could have done it WELL, and also established a new reason to wanna watch the show now the one big huge main plot has been resolved. Following up after the bad guy is defeated is always a hard thing, you cant just put no effort into it... Tho I feel bad even saying that, cos seriously season 3′s villains were the best part. They just might have fit better in season 1, or just if the plot kept up the slack surrounding them...

BUT YEAH JUST THE SUBVERSIONS!! I could fuckin ramble forever about how great they were! Seriously it was just THE BEST ‘ending’ to a ‘stuck in another world’ story, ever! Having the main kid finally get back home, but at the ABSOLUTE WORST MOMENT, after all his friends have sacrificed themself to save that world and he’s the only one left alive. And he doesnt even get enough time to process the shock, he barely even sees the rescued world before he just wakes up home as if nothing happened. And he’s stuck feeling like he can’t adjust to being part of this world anymore, and he’s mourning people he can’t even talk to anyone about. Imagine how worried his parents must have been when he became depressed seemingly overnight and refuses to tell them why! And then it just ends on him crying in the rain and the ghosts of his friends trying to motivate him to get back up and find a reason to live again. That was ONE HELL of a cliffhanger, yo! So yeah OF COURSE people were cheering for a new season, but also OF COURSE that new season would fail if it insufficiently followed up on the emotional impact of the cliffhanger and then had a bazillion episodes of barely anything emotional ever happening again, when the first series had you crying your eyes out as early as episode 4...

oh and like DEAR GOD all the OTHER really good subversiony episode plots aaaaa like even down to little stuff like how genki actually fights alongside his monster pals. And he’s a total badass who does succeed in doing more than most humans could do, but still he’s just a human going against monsters. he knows what he’s doing is rash, but he does it anyway because he cares about his monsters and couldnt just let them die without throwing himself in front of the bullet. And every battle in this show is life or death rebellion against an oppressive regime like that! Random low risk tournement episodes used to be.. like.. FILLER in this series. It was a terrible idea for the entire third season’s plot... And I also loved how the team actually did help people along the way as they journeyed to defeat the baddies, and it wasn’t JUST fighting. They had a whole tearful episode about everyone struggling to hold back a dam that the baddies had sabotaged to wipe a village off the map, and it was INFINATELY MORE INTENSE than half of the things Pokemon has ever done, lol! (not that I dislike pokemon, just the anime in particular is a bit naff) God, how they were all strangers to this village and how they actually had bickering between the team members on whether they should really do this, and all the different ways they tried to save the dam and how they made it way too clear that they were gonna die from friggin holding this thing back with their bare hands. And how they organized the whole town to work themselves to the bone trying to divert the dam, and how a bunch of their attempts failed and they came so close to not having enough time! You had me weeping for the potential deaths of a hundred nameless faceless npcs just from putting me in the shoes of our heroes reacting to it! You made a little kid understand the complexity of civilian casualties in war! And OH MAN, Golem’s backstory! How he was a former war soldier who just shattered mentally after being forced to kill so many other monsters. And he was so gentle at heart, and he sat there guarding this church full of disc stones for god knows how many decades, blaming himself for what happened. Like.. it showed that even when you’re fighting villains, killing still breaks you. Dear GOD, his face when he came back down from his friggin ptsd flashback anger episode saving the heroes from the baddies, and he saw all the dead baddies, and just... you could not talk to that man and tell him that killing was justified just because they were BADDIES. Even if its in self defense, he still has to look at his hands that just murdered people. I’m so damn glad the heroes managed to befriend him and take him away from that place, cos that moment came so close to sending him back to his guilt spiral! If anything, I think that the dub calling them ‘baddies’ actually made all these moments way more effective. The childish terminology makes you think this is gonna be a paint by numbers story, so it hurts more when its anything but! Even in a world with a concept like ‘the bad guy magically turns people into his bad minions’, they still managed to deal with complex grey morality, and that’s one hell of a crowning achievement!

...plus it allowed for a happy ending after all. God, i cried for all those poor minor mooks getting brought back to normal in the end. Honestly, even though it hurt, I would have accepted it ending on all of the hero monsters being dead forever for the sake of bringing back all the dead civilians and brainwashed baddies. Sacrificing yourselves to save so many others! God, this show’s characters are too goddamn pure. AND COMPLEX TOO! man I loved how grumpy and selfish half of the hero cast is, yet they’re still heroes despite it, and god just HOW THEY ALL DIED TOGETHER AND OUR PROTAGONIST IS THE ONLY ONE FORCED TO KEEP ON LIVING that was such a fucking cliffhanger thank you terrible season 3 for fixing it man i can forgive anything you do because you did that baby mocchi lived and ate some mochi cakes and tiger and hare lived to bicker with each other once more and golem could find some peace knowing all the people he saved, even if he might never be free of the guilt of those he failed to save and suezo and holly didnt have to be apart again, he didnt have to end his life finally proving his ‘usefulness’ at the cost of everything else (SERIOUSLY SUEZO LOW SELF CONFIDENCE EPISODES KILL MY HEART) and genki didnt have to have his childhood completely destroyed by his ‘magical adventure’ plot ending on so much of a trope subversion even if still it was good that it happened it was a really fuckin good plot all that suffering just made the happy ending that much happier! GOD I miss this show very much...

[scorpioslut-blog1]

Social media, vices, drugs, intentions..again

On adderall. My chosen drug of preference right now. it makes me think, it makes me feel, it makes me express... i havent done it in like a week tho, so i'm sorta cracking out... bothering mila... thinking about life. I also just am always thinking, thinking so hard and about so much that I don’t even know what to do... and adderall makes me productive. it makes me feel, makes me think, makes me walk briskly and crave cigarettes and black coffee. my brother thinks i’m undiagnosed bipolar 1 and adhd, so maybe adderall was fated to be one of my many, many vices. which reminds me... i deleted instagram AGAIN, or my main account, just sort of disgusted with the distraction of it all... how i’m roaming these pages, even as an outsider, an outcast, a loner, comparing myself to everyone, being influenced by them... i dont really care about any of them... i mean i see wonderful people and wonderful things but i feel so detached, so isolated from everything and everyone. and i know i'm doing it to myself, but i dont really know how going back on instagram was supposed to help. i did it when i was lonely, and was stuck on there for a few weeks before it let me delete again. but i dont know. i guess i'm trying to live in the moment, in the real world, without the needs to broadcast everything or prove to people that i’m doing things and have friends and i'm beautiful and cool and all these things i used to care about. i just dont care, or am trying not to care, about how people perceive me. i feel like i dont, compared at least to a lot of people, but still, its this all consuming thing that ties into a lot of my concerns regarding the power of perception. and i’m just so angry. sooo angry at everybody, so angry at myself, i hate myself, i hate my family, i hate everything, and it isn’t fun. i wallow sometimes, i enjoy cigarettes and the smiths and being angry at the world but i dont know. today i missed a really important doctors appointment that, unlike most, wouldve been probably really useful and productive and instead i showed up fifteen minutes late (which is standard and not even that late) and they said i should reschedule but instead i didnt. afterwards i wanted to throw my skateboard off the second floor but i didnt, then i thought about throwing it down the stairs but i didnt. then i went outside and considered smoking a cigarette but i didnt. i instead walked back up the stupid hill i skated down in the rain just to make this stupid appointment and did all the things i'm supposed to do (after taking adderall). i went to the student store and stole a hydroflask, which felt really good, especially since i lost my old water bottle and thus my body and skin has literally suffered. then i went to walgreens and stole some black hair dye, which will give me something to do tonight besides all the responsibilities i'm perpetually neglecting. then i got a black coffee from strada (not a latte, because apparently adding any milk negates all the good shit coffee does for ur body, according to a random white guy in a dashiki i bought chips for outside of trader joes the other week). then i came to kroeber with the hopes of working on this project i'm pathetically half assing for sculpture, ran into mila, and have made him be the brunt of my adderall induced psychosis (not psychosis; using this word lightly). 

now i’m outside of kroeber because i wanted a cigarette, one of the few vices i’m not even attempting to mitigate at the moment. even though its not good for my skin and my stomach, two things i've been trying to really improve. the one thing i cant bring myself to do is get up and start my day and do all the motions of a regular person. i love sleep, and there’s nothing wrong with it, except i had been having a hard time going to bed at a decent hour for a while, so i got a dab pen which helps. all i've done the last week was sleep, though, and i'm enjoying it again. i can now go to bed early ish, if i try, which is good. i think i'm also getting better at thinking, which was the main reason, i believe, i was drinking. so i wasnt thinking so damn much. i've also tried not avoiding thinking of certain things, which i historically do, distracting myself with my social life and other people’s problems and my problems and boys i like and parties i’m going to. i dont worry too much about death anymore, which might be my greatest feat. i'm going through what i'm tell my friends is a quarter-life crisis, something they will understand when they turn 21. i think that’s a big part of it. i think a lot about where i am and what my twenties are supposed to mean, where i wanna be, the person i wanna be. i had a thought the other day that i had no sense of who i am. no sense of self or identity. especially after being consumed so heavily these past few years. i dont even remember the last year. i felt like i was floating through it. which i guess is the point of all my isolation and self punishment. i want to be present for my own fucking life. i think about the last year of my life and it just feels like i never digested it, realized my context in the world, outside of my house or my friends. which is the benefit of being alone. thinking, digesting, unpacking... but then i get so lonely and bored and unmotivated and then i just distract myself with television. which is so bad, but so good. i can think about these fake lives so much more, and not think about my life, or my lack of one. i dont want to feel bad for myself. but i guess i just want things that i'm not getting right now. i want friends i can laugh with and enjoy life with. i want things to look forward to, which come and go. i want love, i want someone to sleep with at night and cook with and watch tv with. i think a lot about the things that i've had, or when i had them. i had all these emotional, physical things with justin. and it’s been almost a year since i’ve had that. i had a sexual experience after thanksgiving, i went over to this guys house who is really nice and smart and a great but just terrible in bed. TERRIBLE. but he was a good cuddler, he’s really nice and respectful (i just dont want ANY sexual relations with him at all). i think i wanna be his friend. but it was really nice to have someone in bed with me. i think its also more hard when i see everyone around me in these beautiful relationships of all sorts, so happy and productive, even if everyones mentally i.ll too, they can sleep together and do things together... but i can do that too, by myself or with friends, which is what i'm trying to do. also not use other people as crutches, as reasons to get up or wake up early or eat food or have fun or socialize. after i get through this week or two of making up an entire semester’s worth of shit i didnt do, once i have free time which i simultaneously always yet never have, i want to love life by myself. i dont want to need adderall. but at this point i just wanna do anything that fixes things. i keep telling myself that if i just get through this and keep sticking to these changes I'll be happier. my new life will cost my old one. but then the pattern tells me that i need to stop hiding from who i'm meant to be. so i dont know what to do... i know i'm a social creature, i love people and connections, but i hate everyone, i'm sick of loving and giving, i'm trying to be intentional and waring and careful with my relationships but i'm just so lonely and bitter. i'm driving everyone away, killing the few relationships i do have, i hang with bree and like her a lot but like she pointed out, thats because we live together, not that i dont like her but i'm forced to socialize with her which is good but also i should want to socialize with other people. i think going home will be great for me. connect with people. i dont want to tell people how lonely i am but i am. and itl be really nice to spend time with the people who matter to me over there. about this whole not-present-in-my-own-life-for-a-year thing, i havent really been there on the east coast. like i want to be there. i was there for so long, and i thought this place would be my home, but now i'm wondering. i think also its realizing that its me, not where i am, so i need to fix me. and i'm trying to fix myself but also, at what point do i need help? how do i get that help? i know it sounds easy, my mother says so, i just call and make these appointments. but then its just so hard to do, hard to establish these schedules and hard to get there or even want to go, and money, so i dont know. i want to take a semester off but thats not gonna happen. i want to stay but i want to go. i want to get better, but i dont want to fall into the same patterns. i want to break the pattern. i want to stop floating through my own life. i want to be productive, successful, functioning, and I want to be that fun time, that fun funny beautiful person i know i am, but i dont want to be destructive or toxic to myself or others. i want to love myself, i want to be that person i used to be. i want to be as brave and confident and sexy and interesting and mysterious as people perceive me to be, but i feel like none of those things. i dont want to shower because i dont want to look down at my body. i want to get dressed and feel good about my appearance in the morning but i just always feel so ugly and insecure and uncomfortable, and i know i wasnt always like this, sometimes i am, but i wonder if i was just faking it, and i think in many ways i was. i know growth and self improvement is not linear and not always an upwards trajectory and i am trying, but it just almost feels like I'll never be that person again, and i want to. i want to go back in time. i want to always be doing things and having fun, but i know i cant. i know i cant because its not sustainable, its self destructive, its destructive to others, and that is how i became a commodity. i became something to consume and distract and give and create fun and introduce and party with and take pictures of and with. it makes me sick. it makes me sick how people want to be me or be with me or theorize on me and my personhood and think of the ways in which i serve them, how i'm always up and happy and fun and if i'm not then i did them wrong, or i'm wrong, or i'm mad, or i'm rude. i dont like how people want things from me, how i'm always performing, always pretending. i dont like how people dont want to understand how complex people are, but then again maybe its only in regard to me. then its my fault for creating this persona, feeding into it, allowing and encouraging them to take from me, its not that theyre taking but its that i'm giving, so i dont want to give anymore. i'm sick of giving and giving then being painted the devil. i dont like trying to be this or that or hoping for this or that. so i'm not giving anymore. which hurts me, i want to give, i want to love and create and bring together. but i think about how i surround myself with beautiful people and things, hoping that if i am surrounded in beauty that it will make me beautiful. i fetishize everything, everything fetishizes me. i like to be looked at but i hate when people look at me. i want everything to be about me, but i am nothing. this is not a movie, this is real life, people die, people take drugs, people hurt, we hurt each other, the world is unfair and fucked up and some peoples likes just arent supposed to be easy. i know i'm grateful, and i'm trying to be more grateful and appreciative and exist in this life. i am thankful for my parents, but i'm mad, and i cant even vocalize or express in the ways that i want to. i cant say anything real without crying. i'm not even particularly more sad than usual, i think i'm just depressed and lonely. which i've been many times before. anyway, i'm trying to take advantage of everything around me, like i'm supposed to. i want to go to dolores and bask in the sunlight, i want to enjoy being with people but not be the entertainer. i want things to feel natural and effortless but i want to be intentional so bad, i want to be thoughtful and intentional with words and actions and situations i put myself in. like when i hooked up with that boy, i didnt want to, i didnt know how to say i just didnt want to. when i actually am invited somewhere and i socialize i want to enjoy it without drinking or drugs but i cant. i had a nice day the other day, me and my room mate and her mans and her friend who’s my friend who i love dearly and is really awesome, we all went to sutro baths and had a grand old time, a great day, we went to an estate fair and a coffee shop and we went to sutro baths then got vietnamese food, it was lovely. i want more days like that. it felt nice to socialize, be with a group of friends, having fun, being young. i want that balance, i want to focus on my career and studies and interests, i even want more days like today. i failed miserably but i took adderall and did some things in between before it hit and now i'm writing my feelings, which feels absolutely amazing. i'm on my 4.5th cigarette today, but like i said, one allowed vice in the place of many. i want to do things, to be functional, to live in this moment with full presence and action.

[inactive-mermaid-in-a-trash-can]

vent pls ignore

i miss him so much i wish he meant the things he said because it feels like he did at the time but it changed and he didnt say anything and i asked him i asked whats wrong are you mad because i could feel it i could feel something was wrong but i cant tell bc ive never even kissed a boy god knows this is the closest ive ever been to a fucking relationship by miles i dont understand him at all its like he was scared to be alone with me but missed me every damn day and i told him i was honest he deserved to know, someone as overwhelmingly more experienced, that i’ve never done anything like this before he knew that and he told me he fell in love with me when we met and i wasnt ready and i dont even think thats true anymore and he woke me up to tell me he was in love with me and two weeks later!! two  fucking  weeks he just wants a hookup and i want to give him the world what did i do he wont even tell me i tried i asked him and he ignored me for hours and didnt even give me an answer by the end of it school is awful i knew i had depression but this... i dont know how to handle this im crying right now out of the blue not because of stress not because i was yelled at but im just fuckign sad so overwhelmingly sad i can drown it out i cant escape it the ways i used to and im pretty sure i got anxiety now too i wake uop every morning scared that i have to go to school it doesnt end and i wont ever end i feel sufficated and i have the most free time now then i will ever again for the rest of life i dont know what to do it feels like im wasting my youth bc how rigioursous my courses are but idont want to drop them because I want to do well bc im capable im fucking capable but at what cost every day is stressful and i get home and take unhealthily long naps and then cant fall asleep until past midnight i dropped my friends but i picked a fight with the wrong people and i dont fw anyone in my classes i cant be there for my best friend and now theyre finding new friends like they do every year which i have literally never been able to do and hes going to parties and has MULITPLE GUYS INTO HIM but still gets to say he thinks hes unattractive and basically doing everything highschool thing i thought only happens in movies and i have no friends i do nothing outside of school the one guy whose ever liked me back realized i wasnt enough and i wasnt worth it and its unfair hes so attractive and he was crazy popular in highschool and by all means should have been comprehensive of whatever the fuck it is we had like he was older and crazy hot and ive been complemented on my looks my a stranger exactly one time by a stranger and i remember it vividly bc no one has ever called me cute but he called me cute and said i was beautiful and he loved me bc i like him for who he was but isnt it fucking ironic that he never cared about me like i know so much about him bc i CARED I FUCKING CARED AND I ASKED BECAUSE I WANTED TO KNOW I GENIUNELY WANTED TO KNOW HIM AS A PERSON and he never asked me a fucking thing. he never asked about what music I liked or the what I was studying in school or what I wanted to do after highschool. he never cared he never bothered to ask i shouldve known bc when he told me i said!! i said we dont know eachother!!! and he let his emotions get ahead of him and cant even let me have fucking closure... two weeks... what did i fucking do... he isnt a great guy i dont think a relationship w him would b all that great... but i miss his touch i miss the attention i miss jsut feeling fucking wanted its hard to love yourself when it feels like no one has ever liked you your entire life for a goddamn reason. i know im stubborn i know i have strong opinions i know i dont act like a girl i know i dont act like a boy i know i look funny i know im not pretty I KNOW. sure im cute from a distance i guess. I dont click with anyone im an art kid at heart but im not artsy any more i still dress emo and my music is just basic alternative im not into anything intresting at all. im not intresting. Im not worth it to anyone i dont know what im fighting so hard for. i need to keep my grades up because if i dont and i end up figuring things out in the end but i cant do it bc of my grades id hate myself for the rest of my life im just.. trying to keep my oppurtunities open... but i just.. wish it were easier. i might have to drop my courses and not do the diploma i wanted.. but i can do an entire year of this... im not even studying for my SATS or applying to colleges yet. i dont have the energy to hang out with the one friend i have and i dont have to time to draw or play ow i just. im not enjoying my life. im young and im fucking wasting it. i hate this. i just want to be happy. i just want to be happy. why am i sad. its been a month it isnt just him i didnt fail a test it isnt my grades im not stress crying it isnt homework my relationship with my parents is better then ever it isnt them. maybe it is him. or at least hugging him seems like it would make everything better. fuck it really is him haha. it isnt even really his fault. he cant help if his feelings changed. i guess he was scared too. i hate him i love him i hate him i love him. i miss him. god i dont even know what i want i dont even want him i want how he made me feel. loved wanted pretty attractive. i fucked up 

[jess-oh]

Reflection

i need to stop getting distracted and procrastinating and “treating myself” bc i’ve been doing that way too often

i really want to just chat with someone rn. idk why im so hyper so late at night. i think staying up late is one of the things i define myself by. i almost dont want to sleep before midnight bc that ruins my character. no, not almost. i dont. straight up.

im just gonna try and write a quick thing here before getting back to homework. i think another thing is i know that i dont have a lot of homework to do do im avoiding my homework so that i have an excuse to stay up later. shoot. this is a deeper psychological problem. even when given the opportunity to sleep early, i dont take it. i think i just really need to ask myself if it’s worth it. to be losing sleep. to not be so in control. to have poor memory. and i know im writing these things in an effort to convince myself that i should make more of an effort to sleep earlier but i also know that im too stubborn for that and will probably just continue to sleep late but this doesnt define me! i do want to sleep earlier. there are so many other things that define who i am and theyre actually healthy. im just making life so much harder for myself by purposely staying up so late all the time.

i also want to make more of an effort to be more aware of other people’s feelings. i think i do speak without thinking sometimes and i dont realize how it’s affecting those around me. today, i remember i mentioned how i was so relieved to have gotten 100% on my graphic design project while my friend got a 64% and i didnt know how to respond. i do think i was bragging a bit but i really was proud of myself. i just set a really high bar for myself and feel bad when i dont reach it. but thinking in his shoes, i have struggled in the past. and being in an environment with pro graphic designer and me, a novice, it did feel like my best was never good enough a lot of the time. and i dont want anyone else to feel like that bc it really does suck. theres no way around that. John kept complaining again today and I could hear that he was a bit proud of his friendship with me and i just didnt have the heart to tell him that i didnt want to take graphic design classes with him next semester bc he’s been a burden to me lately. i dont want to keep taking care of you bc youre holding me back from doing more. i am your friend and will continue to be but im tired of babysitting you and spoonfeeding you all the time. i wish you the best of luck in your endeavors but please, dont sign up for the same classes as me. i know he isnt going to actually sign up until way later and im just gonna hope that his schedule wont work out with mine. and if not, it’s just 2 classes that im in with him. how bad could that be? right? i hope? i dont know if i should say something or not bc i dont want to be a bitch about it and i know hes going to talk hella smack about me and be mad at me but honestly, im not going to back down from this decision. bc it’s how i feel. and if it’s gonna cost me our friendship, then maybe it wasnt meant to be in the first place. im a blunt person and i will do and take what i want. and i dont think this is just a case of me being overly selfish. he literally made someone else do the classwork for him today bc he was “bad” at it. he didnt even try. he just complained the whole time. and i tried to call him out on it  but he also gets so defensive about it and comes up with a plethora of excuses. you cant live your whole life blaming the world for who you are.

finally, i was a bit touched today bc my dad messaged me, asking if i could come home for thanksgiving. he seems to really miss me, hehehe. he was even so willing as to sell his old macbook pro to help fund my homecoming and i felt so bad bc i really dont think im deserving of that much love and sacrifice. i eventually convinced him that itd be better for everyone i just came home for winter and not at all during thanksgiving. but i also just felt really shitty bc i didnt feel as bad as i wanted to feel. i was def taking it for granted and i dont want to do that. ive been getting more and more spoiled recently bc ive been getting what i want, when i want without having to think of the consequences. i think it’s bc i have the luxury of being able to freely choose what i want to sacrifice. i would rather starve than to get a bad grade. i would rather go days without clean hair so that i can eat. my priorities are all out of place. and i know that but i also dont know how to fix it. 

i also miss my free talks with andrew. i think im a lot more nervous now. i was blunt with him earlier and he actually responded positively to it, phew. but, yeah, idk. i think it’s in part to just time and us growing apart and hanging out in person and now being so many miles apart from each other. but it’s definitely different from before and idk if that’s a good or bad thing. i get that we’re both busy people but i dont think i consider him my “best friend” anymore which is a bit disheartening. we just grew apart. and thats that. and i am genuinely happy that hes doing better mentally and emotionally and im more than happy to be here for him. i think we’re just trying to figure our own shit out as we continue to grow but i also feel like theres this block or barrier that wasnt there before. and now im a bit afraid to say or do certain things around him. and i do want to feel free with him but i dont. not anymore at least. and it sucks. but i also dont think it’s his fault at all and i definitely dont blame him for that. it’s just.. what it is, i guess.

[humanitys-shortest-sassmaster]

Dumb relationship rant, sorry this won't be regular

So the other day my almost 25 year old boyfriend was asked to leave a language class by a teacher Apparently the reason why is that the teacher asked the class to do group work on something, and he said no She told him to do it and he said no again, saying that he doesn't like teamwork She let him do it for a few minutes and then eventually told him to go home because it was disrespectful to her and the other students He started ranting to me about it and how the teacher is crazy and loves being in authority But like... I think he's being a huge fucking child. He doesn't have social anxiety or any of that, he just simply doesn't want to work with other people, even if it's filling out a worksheet. I said I was sorry that happened, and he said, "But I know you're not on my side anyway." And that really angered me. I wasn't on his side, but I didn't want to not support him when he was frustrated, and so I pushes my own thoughts aside and was supporting him and he passive aggressives me. Just last week he had an issue with the same teacher, he made a mistake when writing kanji, and she told him to write it 4 more times. Which yeah, sounds kinda bitchy of her. But then he sat there and said no. She told him to and asked him why he wouldn't and he said because it was stupid, and he won't do anything that's stupid. Additionally, just before that he was angrily told by his landlord to throw his trash away using the proper bags designated by the city, which you can buy at any convienence store in the area, and they cost like $1-4 for a big pack of them. And he told me that now because that guy was rude he will never ever buy the correct trash bags. I told him that he could start using them once he finishes his current pack, and he said no, it's stupid. I told him to be careful because there are stupid rules in Japan, and as a foreigner you can be subject to more criticism over them, and that if his landlord is a really big ass, he could potentially be evicted if he doesn't use the correct bags. Boyfriend said "I don't care, it's stupid." "But being evicted over that would suck, and I know it's stupid, but wouldn't that be even more stupid? You'd have to move back to the guesthouse and you hated it there because of the stupid people." "I don't care." And I know they're small things. I know I create issues in the relationship with my poor communication, and I fully take responsibility for that and have been doing a good job in recent weeks changing that, even he's commenting on how I'm doing better. But I just absolutely have not been in love with him at all for the last like 1+ year of our relationship, and I keep trying to push aside things that bother me. Things like all the passive aggressiveness towards me if I let go of his hand for a while while walking, absolutely no sexual attraction or satisfaction in the relationship due to him basically wanting me to be a dominatrix when I am absolutely not lmao and he goes I'm absolutely into being submissive but he said I don't know what I want, (lol aight) and the bizarre demand that later when I'm working I need to take two weeks off and go meet his family and travel with him. When I told him that I can't just take 2 weeks off for fub, especially considering it'll be a new job, he basically demanded that before my free flight benefits end in April I have to fly to meet his family with him before then. Like I am just REALLY not happy being with him, and future stuff doesn't look good either. He's studying Japanese for fluency, but even after almost one year of intensive study he can hardly say an extremely basic sentence. He's now saying he wants to go to university in Japan and signed up for an exam at one of Japan's top most difficult universities next year, even though his Japanese is extremely basic now, and his academic background and transcript is very poor. He skipped almost an entire year of school because he didn't feel like going, and got a lot of bad grades in what I think was French remedial or alternative school. When I say that he'll need to study for the actual tested content on the university exam, which are famously difficult, extremely intelligent Japanese people study incredibly intensely for months or years before taking it, especially considering its one of the most difficult schools in Japan, (and it's a private school and he has extremely little money, I don't know how he expects to pay???) And he says he doesn't need to study for it. He says all he needs to study is just Japanese himself. (Which will require a metric fuck ton of studying considering he struggles to even order at a restaurant or at Starbucks and can't understand convienence​ store questions like would you like another bag, would you like this heated, do you have a point card...) And I try to help him with the university stuff, because I did graduate from a top Japanese university and kind of know a bit of the ropes, but nope, he says all he needs is one more year of study. It's additionally frustrating because his English is poor too. As someone living in another country speaking another language, I complete understand and sympathize with the struggle because I experience it in Japanese. It didn't bother me at all for one year, and then more recently it's starting to frustrate me, because we just can't properly communicate anything. And I'm sure it frustrates him as well, because I absolutely know the feeling of frustration of not being able to say something in another language even though IT SHOULD BE THERE IN YOUR HEAD. But he always says "Ahhh I can communicate so much more and be so much funnier and cooler in French" Which I did believe and sympathize with. But I really am realizing that other French people don't really like him. He'll consistently make a new French friend for a week or a month or so, and then will tell me that the person is a jerk and went to a party or something without asking him. When I suggest that maybe he should try asking the other person to hang out, he says he doesn't need a friend like that, and then (super cliche-ly) "I don't need friends." I do understand the struggle of making friends with other people because that was basically my entire high school life and dealing with bullshit people. But I still had just a few close friends in high school, and internet friends. Once leaving high school i have a ton of friends, I'm not super crazy close with every friend because I do often have antisocial tendencies, but I'm on good terms with all of them and don't have trouble making plans with them. But what worries me about him with friends is the inability to keep friends. Because he makes new French friends often. But literally every single one after a time reportedly don't want to hang out or be friends with him anymore. He has one friend who he is still friendly with in France, but my boyfriend said they aren't really close at all. My boyfriend has said, ever since the relationship started "oh once you start to know me better you won't want to be with me anymore, because everybody does that" I always ignored it because it sounded so cliche and edgy that it was difficult to take seriously, but he seems to almost take pleasure in stuff like that. He used to often say 'oh one day I'll tell a joke but you will think I'm serious and will be mad at me' and I'm like, no shit that happens with literally everyone person at some point. Well, eventually I happened. Except he wasnt telling a joke, he said something pretty rude or inflammatory to me in order to start a fight. I immediately warned him not to start with me, which followed with 'lol, I was just joking!' which we all know is what people usually say to cover their own asses and make the offended party look bad. Then he immediately goes on with "SEE???? I told you that one day I would tell a joke and you wouldn't know it was a joke!!! I knew it would happen! See I know these things!" And going on like that for five minutes, which was pissing me off more because he was gloating about it and was clearly not joking. So this is all obviously a big ass rant. I know I cause a lot of big ass problems in the relationship, mainly me not always messaging him enough and not hanging out with him enough, which then makes him jealous, so he'll accuse me of cheating, which I absolutely have not done and never would, and then he's told me he's sent me pictures of himself with other girls in an effort to make me jealous, and then was angry when I wasn't jealous. But.. the reason why I didn't always message him every single day (fixed now) and don't hang out with him as much as I should (partially financial, he lives about $60 round trip away) is because I just genuinely don't enjoy being with him. A couple of months ago I wanted to break up for many of those reasons, but didn't because I didn't want to let some dumb short term feelings of negativity in the relationship end things. But nothing has changed since then, and I think I'm even less happy now, despite fixing a few of my own personal issues and issues in the relationship... Just Lord What do