#-TOSSES MY 4AM THOUGHTS INTO THE VOID-

[lunarlegend]

imagine if they'd accidentally added Stella to the group chat

[buunbaanbeen]

mine w/ johnny ‘soap’ mactavish

hello? is this thing on?? i’m a writer but i’ve never written anything for COD before so uh…. here you go!! anyways, it’s just an idea that’s been on my mind for a while and i thought it would be best to shove it into the void in the hopes that it sticks.

MDNI!!!!

not proofread bc it’s like 4am and i’m tired…

——————————————————————————

there’s something about his upstairs neighbour that johnny just despises. he’s never met you, nor does he even know your name, but with the amount of times you’ve almost come through his ceiling with your banging about, he things he has more than enough reason to. he’s spend hours imagining whoever it is that lives up there, sketching out face after face in his sketchbook before scribbling moustaches and glasses on them like an immature child defacing a magazine. he feels childish whenever he tears the random faces out of the book and tosses them into the bin, but then he hears your forgetful self open and slam your front door 3 times before leaving, and he reminds himself why he hates you so much.

one morning, when the banging starts at 6am, johnny decides that he’s had enough. he’s big and bulky enough to be an intimidating presence to anyone that comes down those stairs, and the bullet scar that sits on his bicep, just beneath the hem of his sleeve, only adds to his overall aura. it doesn’t matter if it’s a little old lady with an equally old dog in her arms, or a man twice his size; john is ready to confront them. maybe a few harsh words will get them to shut the fuck up and give him a little peace every once in a while.

he waits to hear the door upstairs shut once, twice, and then finally a third time before stepping out into the corridor, still barefoot with his pyjama pants hanging slack on his hips. images flash through his head of who you might be, months worth of hate-filled drawings fluttering around his head like kites. the sound of the steps creaking fills him with anticipation until you come into his like of vision.

and john really can’t help the way his breath hitches in his throat upon seeing the way those thigh high socks and that tiny little skirt make your thighs look extra plush. the way your ribbed tshirt sticks to your chest and makes your tits look extra perky as they bounce with every step you take. his throat goes dry as he sees the collar-esque choker that bobs up and down your throat as you swallow down your energy drink, only for it to fill with drool once more when his gaze finally settles on your face.

fucking hell, did his pants feel tight.

you’re still an annoyance, he reminds himself as you offer a polite smile in his direction, your face lighting up like you’d stolen the light from the sun and taken it for yourself. you’re still loud, and clumsy and forgetful and he still despises every bone in your pretty fucking body. you’re still the bane of his—

“can i just squeeze past?” fuck, johnny thinks he might be in love. he’s never believed in love at first sight before, but as you flutter those thick eyelashes at him, he can’t think of any other reason as to why his heart is beating so fast. so perfect, so pretty; you were made for him to have and to hold, and he’s never believed anything more firmly.

“you’re gonna be cold dressed like that,” he blurts out, feeling stupid the second the words leave his lips. why couldn’t he just give you a cheesy pick up line and leave it at that?

but still, you smirk up at him as you lift the can of pure caffeine to your lips, and johnny thinks he dies a little inside. men have gone to war for faces far less pretty than yours, and johnny knows that if you asked him to, he would as well. a single word from you, and he’d be at your beck and call, feeling like a loyal hound at your command. his eyes can’t help but linger on the collar around your neck, and something twinges in his chest.

a mutt and his little pedigree pup; yeah, that feels correct.

“my hoodies are at the laundromat,” you shrug off his comment as it makes him feel any better about you going outside in your current state of dress. as lame as his pickup line was, it was a real concern of his. a precious thing like you out there on such a cold january morning? it just didn’t sit right to him, “which is where i’m going, if you’ll just let me—”

you try to shuffle past his larger form, but a hand on the shoulder stops you in your place. your flesh is so warm to touch, even when hidden beneath your tshirt, and johnny decides then and there that he never wants to be without it again. all he wants it you in his arms for the rest of eternity, and he’d be happy until the end of time.

“you’re headed to do your laundry at this time?” he quirks an eyebrow at your odd decision, and yet you nod back like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“there’s no one there at this time of day; it means i get best pick of the washers!”

johnny’s heart clenches as he listens to your excitement over being able to choose which washer you want to use. if small things like this bring you so much joy, he wonders what it’ll be like if he were to put a ring on your finger? he scolds himself for thinking something so silly and corrects himself; when he puts a ring on your finger.

“so you get up this early just to wash your hoodies?” he thinks about you lay on his bed looking all sweet and pliant in one of his own, the hood hanging over your eyes and the sleeves tucked over your fists like little paws. he can just imagine how sweet you sound when you giggle over him jokingly scolding you for your theft. one day, the sound of your laughter will be his ringtone so he can hear it whenever he’s away from you.

there’s a funny look on your face just before you tip your drink all the way back and finish it off with a gulp. the collar tightens on your throat, and johnny’s boxers tighten even more around his cock. it only gets worse when you put the can on the ground and crush it beneath the sole of your boot. he almost chokes on his spit when you lift your shoe up to reveal the can reduced to nothing more than a flat chunk of aluminium.

fuck, that’s hot.

“not gone to bed yet,” you admit as you pick the debris off the floor and cram it into your bag. johnny’s face falls, “i’ll sleep when i get back, if i have the time. if not, then… tonight? i don’t know, i’ll figure it out.” you shrug like it’s nothing; like neglecting yourself—johnny’s future wife—is an acceptable thing to do. it’s not, and between the lack of clothes and your irresponsible sleep schedule, he feels a sense of duty to take over. after all, it’s clear that he can’t trust your well-being to you.

“which laundromat?” he asks, voice dipping an octave as he lets himself take control of the situation. there’s no way he’s letting your quite frankly stupid behaviour continue, and his intervention starts now, with collecting your laundry for you.

“the one on the corner,” you respond, and johnny nods before telling you to wait a moment. you do, watching as he disappears into his apartment, only to reappear a few seconds later with an oversized grey hoodie in his hands. you wonder what it’s for until you see him hold it up above your head.

“arms up,” he instructs, and you do as he asks with absolutely zero resistance. witnessing your obedience makes his already aching cock twitch, and he can only hope that there isn’t a wet patch on the front of his pants. it’s already humiliating enough that he has a raging hard on, stiff enough to cut glass. “good girl; arms down,” and you do as he says, and he loves every second of it.

[maxipad032]

pov: you have a bad habit of going out and drinking, which shuri doesn’t like as she worries for your safety.

short + sweet headcanon w/ protective shuri✨

shuri sighed heavily as she put her phone down on the bed next to her after calling you for the past hour. you haven’t been picking up and she grew more and more worried, her bouncing leg showing her anxiety. she tried to connect to your kimoyo beads but quickly noticed that you’d left them at home as you always did even when she told you it was important you took them with you incase anything happened.

you left to go to the nightclub with your friends at around 8pm and it was currently 4am as shuri purposely and patiently stayed up to wait for you. normally, she was in the lab anyway so it wasn’t hard to avoid sleeping but being in her bedroom was making it increasingly difficult to remain awake. although, her constant worrying about you made it easier. she’d insisted to come with you but you knew she had work to do in the morning and you’d feel guilty if she wasn’t able to so, so you convinced her not to come and just stay home.

“shit man, where the fuck is she?” shuri questioned into thin air as she sat up, running her hands lazily through her curls as she thought about what to do. just then, she heard the door slam open and shut as the sound of clacking heels echoed around the house. hearing it, shuri shot out of bed and went into the living room, seeing you leaning down on the counter and looking absolutely out of it with your head down and hair splayed everywhere.

“y/n, baby are you okay?” shuri hurriedly rushed over to you, lifting you up by your shoulders and checking to see if you were okay. you lazily lifted your head up at her and smiled, trying to reach up to her face but nearly falling in the process as you missed your footing. shuri held you again before you fell and put an arm around your shoulder, guiding you into your shared room. she sat you on the soft bed and turned off all the lights in the house before closing the door gently.

you slumped down onto the bed, your eyes barely opening as your head pounded and mouth was dry; you didn’t mean to get so wasted, but your friends were egging you on to drink more and you never turned down a challenge so…voila.

“y/n y/l/n.” shuri called out in a stern voice as she stayed, leaning up against the cream coloured door, arms crossed like a nursery teacher.

“mmm.” you groaned out, not able to make sentences yet as you tossed and turned.

“do you have any idea what the time is?” shuri asked, her tone becoming harsher.

“ehh…no.” you said quietly, not really being able to comprehend what she was saying.

“it’s fucking 4am and you left at 8pm? you said you’d be back by 1am, and not to mention you didn’t answer your phone or bring your kimoyo beads? what if something happened to you? i stop at nothing to guarantee your safety but you go and do incredibly stupid things that make it hard to look out for you. at this point i’m actually so tired of it, you need to limit your drinking because it’s getting out of hand!”

you slowly opened your eyes and leaned up, sensing that she was upset at you.

“baby…are you really that mad? come on, i’m here aren’t i?” you pouted, squinting at her as you tried to make out her face.

“that’s not my point here,” shuri began as she walked towards you, “my point is that you are being very irresponsible, you’re an adult for gods sake not a teenager.” shuri said sassily, sitting on the bed as she watched you try to talk back, but not being able to because you’re completely drunk out of your mind.

“mmm..sorry baby.” is all you managed to get out as you were completely void of emotion which was a complete contrast to your sober self which would’ve been sobbing if shuri talked to you like this.

“whatever, just go to sleep, i’ll get you some pills and water or else you’re gonna end up with one heck of a hangover tomorrow.” shuri rolled her eyes, getting up to rustle through her drawers for the pills and opening an unopened water bottle to place at your bedside.

she was able to make you take them before helping you to undress, taking off your high heels, tight blue dress and even wiping off your heavy makeup. then, she dried your face off and slipped you into some comfy pj’s whilst you basically fell asleep as was doing it like a literal baby. yes, she was mad at you but fucking hell you were cute as hell, she’d give you a proper scolding tomorrow, when you were sober and could actually understand. she tucked you in and got in bed herself in which you were already snoring hard as fuck and she quietly laughed , kissing your forehead before wishing you a goodnight, “goodnight my angel, bast i don’t know what i would’ve if something bad had happened to you.” she muttered, finding comfort in hearing the low thrumming of your chest and eventually going to sleep too, dwelling in the comfort that you were safe and in her arms as you should be.

[yeosin-n]

4am

4 am and Sans was still awake. 

4 am and you were still awake. 

It's an awful, terrible habit of yours. 

Staying up late doing who knows what-- 

Sans had been laying in bed, waiting for you to join him... for a while now.

 "aren't you coming to bed, babe?" 

You waved him off, telling him you'd be there soon.

"...babe." 

"babe, you said you'd come to bed soon 3 hours ago." 

".....babe."

You ignore him. 

He rolls his eyelights. 

"y/n. sweetheart. light of my life. look at me." 

Looking up from your project and furrowing your brows at the nagging skeleton, you grumbled out a simple "Wuht." 

"can't ya work on that tomorrow?" 

You huffed and turned back to work. "But I'm in the zone! And the sooner I finish, the better!"

"aren't you tired, though? you-" 

You grumble, slightly tuning him out, "Tired of you, maybe.." 

... 

...... 

......... 

The silence the night brought was suddenly deafening. 

Peeking over at Sans, you see that his eyes were void of any light and his usual lazy grin, strained. 

Quickly looking away, you try to swallow down your guilt, "Sorry. I didn't mean that."

The sound of the bed sheets rustling and coming to a stop makes you think that Sans gave up and was going to sleep without you. 

Good! 

But... you didn't want him to think that you were actually tired of him. It was a dumb thing to say. And if you were tired enough to say that kind of thing without thinking, maybe you should head to bed too.. 

You set your things down and get up- only to bump into something, making you stumble a bit back. 

"Wuh." 

You look up. 

"Sans?" 

He's smirking now. 

"tired of me, huh?" 

"I really didn't mean th-" 

His arms snake around your waist, and he chuckled, giving you a chaste mock kiss on the side of your head. Before you knew it, you were thrown over his shoulder. 

"Sans?!" 

He pats your butt, as if it would comfort you, and you try to wiggle yourself down. 

"Sans-" 

You're falling and the bed welcomes you with a loud thwump. It didn't take long for Sans to crawl onto the bed with you, on top of you, caging you in between his arms. 

"you gotta stop resisting a-rest."

The cheeky smile and glint in his eye was almost.. no... definitely.. predatory. 

"maybe you need a pun-ishment?" 

Curling up and into yourself, you cover your warming face. 

"Sans, it's four in the morning...!" 

He scoffed, shaking his head at you before leaning down close. "you think i don't know that, babe?" Sans asks you softly. 

"i've been," 

A kiss on your neck. 

"waiting to do this," 

A kiss on your chest. 

"all night." 

He brings your hand up to his face, kissing that as well, as his other hand claws down your back, causing your body to arch up into his. 

You let out a whine, "Sans, wait-" 

He cuts you off, chuckling, "i've waited enough, y/n."

R r r i i i p p p p p

Toss. 

"Wh- I liked that shirt!" 

A brow was raised, "that's my shirt." 

"Yea, so?  I liked it..! It was soft!" 

"there will be other shirts for you to steal." 

"But-" 

He cuts you off again, catching your lips into a deep kiss, one that leaves you just a little bit breathless.

Leaning back, Sans grins down at you, taking a moment to savor the look of your flushed cheeks and the hint of desire in your eyes. The rise and fall of your chest enticing him to lean back in. 

"i love you," he says against your skin, causing your breath to hitch. "i love you so much, y/n.." 

"I --" 

You opened your mouth to reply but what you thought was going to be a kiss above your heart turned out to be a stinging love bite..! Immediately turning your words of affection into an embarrassing, choked moan. 

He chuckled against your newly formed bruise and you press your lips shut tight as he bites down again, in a new spot. Try as you might, you couldn't stop the small whimper from escaping your throat. 

As his hand slid down your sides, Sans relished the feeling of your soft skin at his fingertips. 

He loved everything about you.

Your laugh.

Your smile.

Your eyes.

Stars, and your voice.

So sweet.

So cute.

He wants to hear more.

He wants to hear you whimpering his name.

You were his.

And he wanted everyone to know it.

He…

His hands stop at your hips, confused. You weren't wearing anything else? How did he not notice?

"naughty…"

You bend your knees, pressing your thighs together. "I couldn't find any… It was laundry day and we didn't-"

"cute." He grabs your knees, easily prying your legs apart despite your wiggling. "but you don't have to lie, babe." He teases.

You pout, deciding that arguing with him wasn't worth it. Instead, you turn your body sideways, thinking it'd be easier to escape if-

It wasn't.

Sans pulls you closer, his knee in between your legs, preventing you from closing them again. "stop squirming."

"we don't have all night, y'know?"

[thatesqcrush]

Deseos de la Navidad

Rafael Barba x Reader.  AN: Prompt #2 (Decorations) from the @thefanficfaerie Christmas OTP challenge found here. CW: Angst, talk of loss/death of family member. Reference: SVU, S.16, E.16 “December Solstice.”

Tags: @theenchantedgalleryofstories @madpanda75 @ottosuricato @delia26 @dreila03 @sass-and-suspenders @glimmerglittergirl @melsquared79 @mommakat32 @garturbo @southern-magnolia @niyashell @tropes-and-tales @imjustreallynosy @whyissvuruiningmylovelife @sweetsummertime99 @evee87 @scarletsoldierrr @kscarlett1 @cesarofangirl78 @redlipstickandplaid - anyone else just ask.

****

As a child, Rafael Barba loved the Christmas season. He loved getting to open a present on Noche Buena and feasting on lechon asado (which took all day to make), ropa vieja, moros y cristianos, maduros and arroz con leche. He loved hearing his grandmother tell stories about Cuba and if he was particularly good, she would let him have a sip of the heavily spiked crema de vie.

Rafael had been having a hard time getting into the festive spirit after his grandmother passed away, especially since he felt as if it were his fault.

This was the first Christmas he wasn’t single, however. The DA’s office had a mixer and that was how the two of you met. He worked with SVU; you worked in white collar crime. The two of you bonded over a discussion of Macallan rum while being miserable at the much forced work/social event.

While Rafael was grateful to have met you, his heart was hurting. He had longed for his abuelita to meet you. After she had passed, his mother gave him the engagement ring his grandmother wanted him to give to you. He carried the ring with him for weeks; though he still intended to ask for your hand, the ring felt like a stone dragging him down. Subconsciously, as a result, he distanced himself from you.

That morning, he woke up after another night of restless sleep. The clock read 4am and it was still pitch black outside. Carefully, so as to not to disturb your sleeping form, Rafael crawled out of bed and got ready for work.

You woke up startled. Seeing the empty spot next to you, you looked at the clock - 5:30 AM. You sighed, before collapsing back into bed, pulling the comforter over your head.

****

Two and a half hours later, you padded around the kitchen, ready to grab your purse when you noticed yesterday’s dinner untouched and uneaten on the counter. With a sigh, you tossed the plate of salmon and buttery potatoes (that had congealed) into the trash.

You knew grief was full of ups and downs - fits and starts. It was anything but a linear path. You could tell when Rafael was having a good day - he was jovial and confident. Other days, he appeared weary, as if the weight of the world was his burden. You tried to give Rafael as much space as he needed to process. As much as you were tempted to, you didn’t want to fall prey to the temptation of filling the silence with platitudes.

You headed out of the apartment and made way to get breakfast at the local coffee shop. If you knew Rafael well - which you did - you knew he hasn’t had breakfast. The DA’s office wasn’t far, so you carried a tray over - a large black for Rafael, a soy latte for Carmen and a flat white for yourself. In your other hand was Rafael’s favorite: a guava and cheese croissant, a rift on his favorite pastry growing up.

You walked down the hallway towards his office. The DA’s office was surprisingly quiet, but you knew that would soon change. You rapped softly, before entering.

“Carmen, I said no interruptions,” Rafael barked before looking up. His gaze subtly softened. “Cariño.”

“You were gone early. Didn’t get to say goodbye. I brought you something to eat,” you replied softly.

“Thanks but I’m not hungry,” Rafael grumbled before going back to his notes. “I’ll take the coffee though.”

You sat down in the chair in front of his desk and pushed the coffee and bakery bag in front of him.

“You aren’t taking care of yourself amor. You came home late last night, you haven’t shaved,” you continued eyeing the more than a 5 o’ clock shadow Rafael sported “and you didn’t eat because the leftovers in the fridge —“

“I said I wasn’t hungry! Drop it,” Rafael snapped, cutting you off. He looked up and saw the expression on your face. You gave him a small tight lipped smile and nodded.

“I’ll see you at home,” you replied, standing. At the doorway you paused to look behind you and saw that Rafael had resumed his writing. You nodded once more and shut the door behind you with a click.

Rafael looked back up as the door shut with a click. He sighed and tossed his pen onto the desk, his head falling into his hands.

***

Back at home, you blasted the local radio station that started playing Christmas music early. You bopped along Rockin Around the Christmas Tree.

You had the Christmas decorations brought up from storage and you had just finished hanging the stockings from the mantle, when a sharp knock interrupted you.

You hit pause on the stereo and then looked through the peephole. You smiled at the visitor and opened the door. “Mrs. Barba! What are you doing here?”

Lucia gave you a look. “Please, how many times do I have to tell you to call me Lucia.” She reached down to pick up a box. “Is Rafi here?”

“No - at the office,” you replied.

“Como siempre,” Lucia replied with a sigh, opening the box. “I was cleaning out my mother’s apartment and I found some of her old Christmas ornaments that she smuggled out of Cuba. These have been in our family for generations. I thought Rafi would love them.”

You gently picked up an frosted glass ball covered in lace. “These are gorgeous; thank you.”

Lucia gave you a warm smile. “You’ve done a lovely job decorating — why are there three stockings though on the mantle?”

You gave her a coy smile. “I haven’t even told Rafael yet,” you confessed. You placed a hand on your stomach.

“Ay dios mio!” Lucia exclaimed, enveloping you into a hug. “This is so exciting! When are you due? How do you feel? ¡Mija, siéntate!”

You let out a small giggle. “I’m only 6 weeks. I’m due August 19th. I feel good; some nausea. Nothing too bad.”

“Oh Rafi is going to be so happy!” Lucia exclaimed.

“I hope so,” you replied. When Lucia cocked her brow, you continued. “He’s been having a hard time since your mother passed.”

Lucia nodded, and walked over to the mantle, gingerly touching the stocking that had Baby Barba embroidered on it. “They were incredibly close. I know he feels guilty about the nursing home.”

You nodded, wrapping your arms around yourself. Lucia walked up to you and enveloped you into another hug.

****

Rafael wearily shuffled into the apartment. He took off his coat and hung it up, before removing his suit jacket. “Cariño?”

You pressed the button on the remote and the entire apartment lit up in sparkly lights. The apartment was decorated to the nines in Christmas decor.

Rafael was stunned. ‘When did she do all of this?’ he wondered.

“Surprise,” you replied softly, from across the room, by the mantle. “I know you have been having a hard time. And I know nothing I saw will bring her back, and nothing will change that void in your heart, but I just want to bring some joy back into your life.”

Rafael walked up to you. Wordlessly, he pulled you close to him. Your hands on his chest, you breathed in the scent of his cologne. Rafael tipped your head back slightly with his finger and brought his lips down to yours. You moaned into the kiss as his tongue tangled yours. The stubble of Rafael’s unshaved beard irritated your skin.

You hesitantly broke the kiss, trying to catch your breath. “Do you like it?”

“I love it. And I love you,” Rafael replied, pushing your hair back.

“Look, your mom gave us your abuela’s ornaments,” you replied, pulling Rafael towards the Christmas tree. You gently tapped a lace ornament.

Rafael’s eyes watered as he took an ornament in his hand. You wrapped an arm around Rafael’s waist and rested your head against him. Rafael kissed the top of your head. He looked behind you and towards the mantle, his eyes tracking the stockings that hung. “There are three,” he noted curiously.

Rafael walked to the third stocking; he looked at you, his eyes watering once more. “It says ... are you?”

You bit your lip, nodding. “Yeah.”

Rafael swept you into his arms once more, twirling you in his embrace. He set you down gently, your back to him, with a hand firmly pressed against your abdomen.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I’m sorry if I’ve been distant, Rafael apologized, his voice cracking a bit.

“Don’t,” you shook your head. “I understand. It’s okay.”

Rafael pressed a kiss into the slope of your neck. You both watched the decorations and lights sparkle on the tree. Rafael knew somehow, with you by his side, he’d get through this tough time. Rafael also looked forward to the future and the new beginnings that awaited the two of you.

FIN

[honeymoonjin]

A/N: I can’t wait to hear your thoughts after this chapter! A lot of vital information is contained in these 3k words, and I’m curious to see how your theories have changed after reading it! 

Synposis: Your boyfriend, Kim Namjoon, has gone missing. After acting erratic for a few weeks, spending all his time locked away in his studio, he suddenly vanishes into thin air, leaving only an unreleased album behind. Zodiac.

Chapter Five – 이 모든건 우연이 아냐  (all of this is no coincidence)

It’s Monday morning, not quite 4am. That means it’s Day 4 of your boyfriend being missing, Day 4 of no news and seemingly nobody caring.

Jin had kept you mostly inside for the remainder of the weekend, trying to keep you occupied, it seemed, with food you had no appetite for and visitors you weren’t interested in chatting with. Just last night, his youngest brother had come over with a couple of DVDs and some microwave popcorn, like it was a fucking sleepover.

Quickly, the two of them had realized that your despondency wasn’t going to be solved by the latest superhero flick, and Jin had muted it and left to go make some dinner while Taehyung shuffled over to your side of the couch, resting his head on your shoulder.

“You know,” he said conversationally, but ever so softly, “us Kims have always been a strong bunch. We stick together and we’re loyal to a fault. In fact, the biggest tension between us since I can remember has been Jinnie not showing up to our Christmas dinner. Family is incredibly important to us. So, I know how you must feel right now. Because trust me, we’re all feeling that way.”

You leant into the weight of his body on your side, enjoying the small comfort it brings as you stared blankly at the flashing colors on Jin’s oversized television. “It doesn’t feel like that. It feels like I’m trying to find my missing boyfriend and you all are planning what hymns to sing at the funeral. I don’t understand why you’ve all given up so soon.”

He stiffened. “We haven’t given up,” he said, voice gravelly, “not a single bit. There’s nothing I wouldn’t give to…see him again,” he pushed out through a voice thick with tears, “to hear him laugh, to give him a hug, to tell him how much I need him right now. There’s nothing. But right now, I can’t do anything except hope and pray that the detectives do their job. Because what else can I do?”

You twisted your head lightly to stare at his orangey-red hair, dull and flat compared to what you knew was his normal brilliance. “Maybe there is something,” you whispered.

He froze. “What?”

You eyed the doorway. “Listen, I…there are lots of things I can’t explain right now, but there’s something seriously fishy going on, and I think Namjoon knew whoever took him was going to take him. He wrote a secret album and I think if we really listen to the lyrics, we might be able to piece something together.”

He lifted his head off of your shoulder and blinked at you in confusion. “He wrote an album saying that someone took him?”

You shrugged. “I don’t know, here,” you fished the USB out of the pocket you had stubbornly kept it in since you were in Namjoon’s studio and handed it to him. “Listen to it, but don’t tell anyone else but me, okay? Maybe you’ll pick up on something I didn’t. I thought I could figure this all out on my own, but I can’t. I need you to trust me and trust Namjoon, okay?”

He stared down at the hunk of metal and plastic in his hand. “Sure. Yes, okay.” A noise in the kitchen startled you, and you shoved his hand towards his pocket, insisting he hid it, and then the rest of your night with the two Kim brothers went uneventfully, Taehyung luckily not mentioning what you had told him.

Now, though, it was a couple of minutes before 4, and you found yourself roaming Jin’s house in socked tip-toes, unable to sleep as was now usual. In fact, you don’t think you had slept at all since Namjoon went missing apart from those few hours on the first night.

The house was freezing, and apart from the whistle of the wind outside, and some branches scratching on window glass, it was silent.

Being a lawyer certainly had its perks, and an insanely big house was apparently one of them. You had only just begun to realize now how big it was. This past weekend had seen you remaining on the ground floor, with no need to venture further, but after getting sick of sitting in your bed and thinking for hours on end, you had snuck out of the guest bedroom and had a little snoop around.

The excess of windows provided some moonlight to see by, but it wasn’t much, and you moved slowly up the stairs to the second floor, finding a study and a couple different storage rooms as well as his laundry, but nothing else of interest. The third floor looked technically more like an attic judging by the narrow, steep wooden stairs leading up into darkness. You decided to leave exploring that until daytime, knowing that you wouldn’t deal well with the cobwebs and spiders you were likely to encounter.

You remained on the second floor for what could’ve been minutes or hours, sitting in front of the large bay window that looked out onto the street. Streetlights made puddles on the dark road glimmer, and it looked more like a still-life painting than reality. It was peaceful staring at the shifting of bushes and trees all down the road and were it not for a sudden noise you could’ve stayed there until the sun rose.

The noise was a plank creaking, and you shot around, convinced it was Jin coming up the stairs to yell at you. Squinting into the shadows by the stairwell across the hall, you thought you saw a black figure, and your heart leapt into your throat.

It was hard to tell with how shadowed the area was, and your distance, but you froze and stared wide-eyed at a vaguely humanoid area that was darker than the rest. It didn’t move. Neither did you.

You forced yourself to breathe again. “Jin?” you called out quietly, weakly. No response. “Jin, is that you? I’m sorry, I just couldn’t sleep.” Still nothing.

You groan, letting your face fall into your hands, rubbing at your tired eyes. When you look up again into that void, you can’t make out the space where you thought you had seen something before.

Fuck. Namjoon’s sleeping pill prescription sounded fantastic right about now.

It had taken you a long time to work up the courage to approach the stairs in order to return to your room, but when you did, your worries were dissolved. There was nothing there. After tossing and turning in your bed until it reached an acceptable hour to get up, you got dressed in a warm sweater and some fur-lined leggings and made your way out to the kitchen.

Jin was there, eating a piece of buttered toast while in full lawyer get-up: suit, briefcase, slicked-back hair to expose his serious brows. He looked up when you walked in and gave you a cheery nod.

“Back to work?”

He nodded again, finishing his bite before he spoke, dumping his dishes in the sink as he went. “’Fraid so. Duty calls. Will you be alright here by yourself?”

“Of course.”

He wipes his hands delicately on a hand towel. “I’m always a call away if you need me, okay? No problem is too small; if you need me, if you feel scared or upset and you need to talk it through with someone, I’m here.”

You forgo a verbal response, nodding instead. He grins at you, walks over, and places a hand on the back of your head, bending down to land a gentle kiss on your forehead. You blink in shock, but he just sends you another soft smile, waving a hand as he exits the kitchen.

Once he’s gone out the front door and the house falls silent, you exhale noisily. “Man,” you mumble to yourself. But there’s no time to think on the sweet intimacy of the gesture, because today you have a two-step plan: discuss the album with Taehyung and confront Hoseok.

Taehyung is on the agenda first since you know he works afternoons at a nearby café, and so you call him to arrange a meeting over breakfast. He comes by shortly after you finish cleaning up, and the two of you take a walk over to the park down the road, sitting side-by-side on a bench opposite a frozen-over duck pond.

“What did you think?” you ask finally, breaking the silence you two had gotten stuck in.

His hair is a little shinier today and the tip of his nose is red from the chill. “Why didn’t you come to me with this sooner, Y/n? Namjoon’s been gone at least three days.”

“I didn’t know who to trust,” you fire back defensively, “I just needed time to see things straight.”

“And can you?”

“Can I what?”

Tae sighs. “See things straight now?”

You consider. “Somewhat. Maybe.” You bite your lip and turn to face him, shoving your hands in your jacket pockets to fight the cold. “Anyway, what did you think? Do you believe me now?”

He rests his chin thoughtfully on a gloved fist. “Namjoon definitely thought something was going on, alright. Some lyrics are clearer than others, but on a first listen I could tell that he knew something was up.”

“Good, so we’re on the same page about that, at least. Things…I’ve found out some things, along with the lyrics, that make me suspect Hoseok.”

Taehyung’s face immediately breaks into a frown. “Hobi? Hobi’s an angel, he and Namjoon are closer than anything.”

“I know,” you ease, “but just hear me out. Detectives Jeon and Park told me Hoseok said Namjoon and Yoongi fought, which is a big reason why they suspect Yoongi. But Hoseok told me that he was angry at the detectives for locking up Yoongi without looking further.”

“So the detectives were lying?”

“No. Well, I thought that too, because I trust- trusted Hobi, but when I told them I’d talk to Hoseok about it they didn’t even flinch. If they were the ones that were lying, they wouldn’t want me to cross-reference and catch them out. But they didn’t care. Hobi must be the one lying.”

Taehyung puffs out his cheeks and rubs his cold ears. “Y/n, that’s not evidence. Maybe both things are true, you know? Hobi did hear them fighting but he still wants the detectives to be thorough. That’s perfectly reasonable.”

You huff, reaching into your pocket to retrieve a piece of paper you had folded away that morning. “Look, I went through ZODIAC and found some lyrics that really point to him.”

“Y/n…”

“The title of the whole album is ZODIAC,” you interrupt, “so what zodiac sign is Hoseok?”

“Uh, Aquarius, right?”

“Chinese Zodiac, Tae.”

“Same year as Joon. Year of the Dog.”

“Exactly. Track five: ‘you better keep the wolf back from your door.’ Wolf like dog.”

A pained look flits across his face. “Y/n, I don’t think this is healthy.”

“Track eight,” you continue stubbornly, “’what had you expected? Me to make my art and make you a star and get you connected.’”

“They broke into the industry at the same time, Y/n,” Tae protests, staring down at his shoes and ignoring your gaze.

You frown at him. “You just told me you believed that Namjoon put clues in his lyrics and now you’re ignoring them! Look, track two. ‘I’m trying to land this airplane of ours gracefully.’ What was Hoseok’s first single? Airplane.”

“Come on!” Tae sits up at glares at you, eyes shining. “Do you know how hard this is for me, Y/n? My big brother has disappeared off the face of the fucking earth and you’re putting on a tin foil hat and playing conspiracy theorist? Either someone took him, and we hope to God the detectives have gotten the right guy, or he just ran away. All this,” he waves at your piece of paper bitterly, “isn’t helping. It’s just upsetting me. So please, stop.”

You bite your lip and shift in your seat. “I- I’m sorry, Tae, I’m not trying to upset you. But there’s more, here, track nine: ‘dreaming of a place and time where you and I remain the best of friends, even after all this ends.’ You can’t deny that one, Taehyung. It all points to Hobi. I want to talk to him, try and see if he acts guilty or maybe has some motive. This is our chance to get Namjoon back, T. Don’t you want that?”

Taehyung stands up suddenly, pacing back and forth a little before stopping in front of you. “I’m not doing this, Y/n. I can’t believe that Hobi would do something like this, I’m sorry, but I just can’t. Detective Jeon called me and told me what you did the other day. Said that I should call him if you acted strange. I won’t tell him, because I think maybe this is just your way of grieving, but you need to stop.”

Your grip slackens on the piece of paper. “Jeon called you and got you to spy on me for him?”

“Seriously, Y/n, it’s not like that! He’s worried about you, we all are! Just talk to us!”

You scoff. “I did try and talk to you and look where that’s gotten me.”

“About your feelings, Y/n, not about who faked the fucking moon landing!”

“Oh, fuck you, Taehyung,” you spit, standing up off the bench and glaring at him. “This isn’t my grieving process, this is me trying to get your brother back, so give me a fucking break. Tell Jeon whatever the fuck you want. I’m sure I’ll hear all about it when I see him later. Goodbye.”

You’re so furious you’re practically steaming out your ears, but you know that this fury of yours is just a front for the betrayal and uncertainty you feel. This morning, as you prepared your thoughts, you were sure of yourself, and looking forward to having someone to affirm you and someone to trust. But now you felt more alone than ever, and Taehyung’s rejection gave you concern that perhaps your ideas weren’t as solid as you had once thought.

Nevertheless, you found yourself making your way to Hope Studio, where you now stood, knocking on the door less confidently than you had intended.

Before the door opens, you send off a text to Park, not interested in dealing with Jeon’s attitude. I’ll be at the station by midday, just stopping off to speak with Hoseok first.

Hoseok opened the door after your second knock, and immediately went in for a hug. You let yourself relish it for a moment but pushed him away and sat down on his couch. “Hobi,” you begin, “Jeon and Park told me you heard Namjoon and Min Yoongi fighting.”

His eyebrows raise in the center. “Good morning to you, too. But yeah, dude just showed up one night and went apeshit on Nam. It was last Wednesday. You know, after Min lost the Album of the Year award to him.” He collapses onto his desk chair with a smile, mouth closed but cheeks still raised. The expression is familiar to you.

“I saw in Park’s notes that somebody filed a noise complaint. Was that Yoongi?”

That same tightlipped beam, completely at odds with the topic. “Yep.”

“Hoseok, you’ve never been good at lying.”

His face falls. “I’m not lying,” he insists weakly, “not completely. Yoongi did come over that night, I swear. But…the noise complaint was me.”

You frown. “You filed the noise complaint.”

He sighs. “No, I was the one being noisy.”

“Oh.” You open your mouth to ask him why, but your phone vibrates violently against your thigh. You tug it out of your pants pocket and check the screen, a message from Park flashing up.

Don’t let him get you alone. Leave now and come to the station, Y/n.

Your eyes widen, but you manage to school your expressions into general annoyance rather than suspicion and fear. “Dammit,” you groan, “sorry, Hobi, I have to head off.”

He stares at you in confusion as you stand up. “How come? You just got here.”

“Tae thought I was at Jin’s house still and he’s waiting outside without a key.”

He frowns. “So? Can’t he just leave?”

“We were meant to be hanging out and it totally slipped my mind. I’m sorry, Hobi, is it cool if I come back tomorrow?”

He pauses. “Yeah. Sure thing, sweetheart, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

You smile at him placidly and try not to rush out the door.

Once in the hallway, your heart begins to beat again, and your breath returns. You flick a message to Park. What the fuck? I’ve left now, what’s going on?

It’s a couple minutes before he replies, long enough that you’re out into the open air of the street, thanking your lucky stars that the Cypher studios and the police station are both in the same area of the city center. We’ll explain at station. We told you not to get involved.

You roll your eyes and groan. Seriously? Tell me something now or I’m not coming to the station. You need to stop lying to me.

Instead of Park, it’s Jeon that responds, again a few minutes after you sent off your message.

Don’t act like you don’t know. Min Yoongi is being framed.

You reel back, coming to a halt ten or fifteen meters from the doors of the police station. You blink at your phone, rereading the message, then stare at the tall, imposing building in front of you. This whole time, they knew. They knew Min Yoongi was innocent and still they were preparing to lock him up. And with the way they reacted to you visiting Hoseok, you knew he must’ve been the one to frame him.

Both parties complicit, and every other person didn’t seem to care at all. Perhaps you were walking into the lion’s den, but at least there were answers on the other side. You take a deep breath, resolve your courage, and make your way inside.

TAGLIST Message me or send in an ask if you wish to be added to the taglist. You’ll receive a notification every time I update ZODIAC.

@itishebihime-samaforyou || @hoodiebangtan || @sunnysideupsmile|| @emilypkuzu || @youngmsfts 

[kamari333]

That last ask reminded me! How would Resonance Red, Lust and Dance react to seeing the Burlesque boys now that the poly is official?

A continuation of (sequel to?) this post from forever ago!! Which is for this ask meme i thought of!!

because this is what im doing at 4AM instead of sleeping or working on the next update jfjfofsjkyifdsuyfjhfkvchnbhkuderyogjg

Resonance bois: rX

Burlesque bois: eX

All 6 of the boys appear in the void room place thing again. There are now ugly ass couches for their sitting pleasure.

rLust and rRed had apparently been brought in halfway through a makeout session, as rRed’s coat is missing and he is purring rather loudly with rLust clinging to him as they stand upright, holding each other close.

eRed and eDance were both laying on the couch together, and, despite there being couches present, the two of them appear a little to the side on empty air, and like rDance they immediately fall the foot and a half to the ground. They had been more side-by-side (eDance tucked under eRed’s arm), but eRed reacts quickly on sheer reflex and yanks eDance on top of him to cushion his fall. When they land, its with eDance on top of eRed in a compromising position.

eLust came in mid step, freezing with his foot in the air when he realized he was not where he expected to be.

rDance must have been sitting on something because he immediately sinks to the floor with nothing but empty air to support him, swearing loudly.

Upon hearing rDance swear, rRed pulls back from his mate, choking off his purring with a vicious snarl as he scans the area.

eDance tenses at rRed’s pulse of LV-drenched intent. eRed scoops eDance up, strategically positioning himself between his pet and the perceived threat. It would probably look a lot more badass if eRed wasn’t in a pair of mustard yellow boxers and matching tanktop, barefoot save for a single sock.

The the sudden jostling of eDance against his own power has caused his bell to ring, and eRed is sporting a faint pink blush that would be much brighter if so much of his cognitive power wasn’t focused on the fact his pet was upset.

“oh sweetheart, baby, are you two okay??” eLust exclaimed as he darted to his lovers’ sides, checking eRed over for injury, running his hand along his sacrum and back over his clothes.

eRed’s blush deepened. “‘m fine. check dance,” he growled out, lowering eDance to his feet carefully.

eLust moved around to check eDance next, leaving eRed’s back exposed to the resonance multiverse monsters.

rLust spun around to see what the fuss was about, his eyelights lighting up at the sight of eRed. “hello~” he purred, slipping from his own mate’s arms to sidle up to eRed’s back and ran his hands over eRed’s hips, thumbing at the bit of his ilium that had become exposed thanks to the fabric of his shirt being torn on one side.

eRed stiffened, the sensation of fevered bones with obvious intent to excite sliding over such a sensitive area enough to override his focus. His face was burning brightly despite himself.

rDance picked himself up off the floor, dusting himself off and looking up just in time to see what happened next.

eDance ground his teeth, slipping out from between his datemates and gripping rLust’s wrist, yanking it off eRed as he pushed himself between eRed and rLust. His smile and grip were equally tight. “heh...” he tossed rLust’s hand away, stuffing his own hands in the pockets of his mechanic’s suit. His eyelights guttered out, his shoulders hunching forward defensively, aggressively. “dont do that.”

rLust is perplexed at first, before he looks to eLust with a giddy expression. “oh my stars, did they-?!?!”

eLust grins back, draping himself over eDance and nuzzling. “yeah..!”

“who did what now?!” rDance demanded. “and why the hell are we back here again?!”

“like i fuckin’ know,” rRed snapped.

eLust giggled, kissing at eDance’s teeth. “baby~ show it off~” he whiled, tugging at the velcro around his neck.

eDance flushed a bit, before shooing eLust back to get the velcro himself. He unbuttoned the top of his suit entirely, sliding if down to expose the simple while tshirt beneath and tie the suit’s long sleaves around his waist.

The silver bell on his pretty blue cat collar glittered prominently in the inexplicable light.

rLust gasped. “oh my stars that’s adorable. thats adorable..!!!”

eRed composed himself, settling a protective hand on eDance’s shoulder, grinning smugly as he scratched at eDance’s jaw. “hear that, kitten, yer adorable.” his voice was dripping in pride.

“you’re the kitten, shut up,” eDance grumbled, blushing a bit and wishing he had his hoodie to hide in. He only showed the collar off to try and make rLust understand that eRed was his and he needed to step off he did not want this attention..!!

“‘kitten?!?!’” all three resonance monsters gasped at the same time with different emotions: rLust in delight, rRed and rDance in incredulity and horror.

rLust purred, clapping his counterpart on the back. “oh you lucky~ i bet its so satisfying to utterly ruin them both at once~”

“actually,” eLust starts to explain, but eDance cuts him off.

“excuse you, but i am the one who did the ruining.” eDance growled. his hand came up to grip at eRed’s wrist, holding it there. The joints flushed brightly under his hand, mimiced by the rest of eRed’s joints a moment later. eDance’s other arm wrapped around eLust, batting rLust’s hand away and pulling eLust closer. “and they liked it.”

eRed is on fire just like his life and he is praying his internal screaming doesn’t become external. eLust is happily nuzzling into his datemate with a contented sigh.

rRed and rDance look at each other, make identical faces of embarrassment and anguish, then shuffle farther apart from each other.

“what th fuck.”

“i need brain bleach.”

“th fuck.”

“lots of brain bleach.”

“imma be sick.”

“me thinks that thou protest to much~” rLust purred at them. “this could be us but you’re both still in the closet~”

“im not in the closet and neither is red!!” rDance spat.

“yeah!” rRed growled.

“red is clearly openly gay!”

“fuck you!!” rRed snarled.

For a moment it looks like its gonna devolve into another insult exchange, but rRed immediately regrets his choice of words and flushes a deep crimson. rDance is no better, pulling his hood up to hide.

[chiefhiccstrid]

"I can't breathe" or "You come to my room at 4am to cuddle?!" Please I've missed your writing:D!

Oh my goodness thank you! I have missed writing these two so this was fun. 

I did both for you and hope it is worth having to wait so long to read my writing again LOL! 

Enjoy, my friend! :D 

Astrid had tossed and turned all night long. She knew it was all night because even though the sun wasn’t up yet, the birds outside were beginning to chirp and that meant that it wasn’t long until morning. 

She knew why she couldn’t sleep and it was stupid. So stupid that she figured it was best to just lie here and stare at the details of the wood on her ceiling instead of fixing the problem. 

But then again, she missed him. Gods, did she miss him. 

She hadn’t talked to Hiccup in days. How many days was it? Five? Six? Maybe even seven. She wasn’t sure anymore. 

Sure, she had seen him around the village. But that obviously wasn’t enough and it was keeping her awake. Stupid. So stupid. 

She was a warrior. She was strong. She was a Viking. Not seeing her boyfriend for a few days should not be keeping her awake at night. 

But it was. 

Astrid sighed and forcefully threw the blanket off her. It slipped off the bed and fell to the floor beside it. The chill of her room was a bit of a shock from the warmth beneath the fur blanket. 

She put on her boots and quietly walked out of her house, not wanting to wake her parents. She did not want to have to explain her reasons for sneaking out of the house in the wee hours of the morning. 

It was chilly outside and Astrid wished she had grabbed her fur hood off the hook before walking out. The cold just make her walk faster. 

Once she made it to Hiccup’s home she paused at the front door with her hand on the handle. What the hell was she doing? What was she even going to say to Hiccup?

“Oh, hi babe. Sorry to wake you but I just wanted to…”

What did she even want to do? 

It was early in the morning and they couldn’t do too much talking with Valka sleeping downstairs. Not unless they wanted to have that awkward encounter. 

But if she was really being true to herself, she just wanted to be close to him. She missed the way his hand fit perfectly with hers. She missed the little circles he drew on her hip. She missed his smell. She missed him. 

So, she quietly pushed the door open. The warmth from the fire hitting her immediately and she could finally relax. 

Astrid walked up the stairs, cringing when a loud creak from one of the steps echoed throughout the quiet house. 

She walked into Hiccup’s room and smiled at the sight in front of her. His hair, which was usually in a mess, was even more of a mess and one of his arms was slung over his face. But he looked peaceful. She wondered what he was dreaming about because he had a tiny smile on his lips. 

Seeing Hiccup like this was something she didn’t get to witness often. It was almost enough to take away the void she felt from not seeing him for days. Almost. 

She walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge, and she ran her hands through the messy hair. Her hand paused on the braid she remembered tying for him the last time they were actually together. 

Hiccup sighed in content as her hand continued running through his auburn locks. His eyes fluttered open and Astrid looked into those green eyes she fell in love with all those years ago. 

“A-Astrid?” Hiccup asked, his voice still thick with sleep. 

“Hey, babe,” Astrid smiled at him. 

“Are you okay?” He asked and sat up. He rubbed his eyes, trying to rid them of sleep. 

“I’m fine.” 

“What are you doing here? What time is it?” Hiccup looked around his semi-dark room. 

“I don’t know. Four in the morning?” 

Hiccup still looked confused. Probably a mix of still being asleep and his brain trying to figure out why Astrid was sitting on his bed at such an early hour. 

“I missed you,” Astrid blurted out and she looked away and stared at Toothless sleeping in the corner. 

There was a moment of silence and Hiccup grabbed her hand that was sitting between the couple. 

“Let me get this straight. You come to my room at 4am to do what? Cuddle?” There was a hint of amusement in his voice. 

She turned her head back towards him to see that amused little smile spread across his face. She wanted to smack it right off him for making fun of her. 

“If you are going to make fun of me then I’m just going to go back home,” Astrid began to get up off the bed, but Hiccup pulled her back down. Damn him for getting so strong over the last few years. 

“I missed you too,” Hiccup said. He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and rested his hand against her cheek. Astrid leaned into his warm touch. 

The two moved in sync as they laid down on the bed. Hiccup wrapped his arm around her shoulders and Astrid laid her head down on his chest. The steady beat of his heart was the most soothing sound. More soothing than the sound of the crackling fire downstairs. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been making time for us lately,” Hiccup’s voice broke through the silence. 

Astrid sat up on her elbow to look at him, “Don’t apologize. You’re busy and I understand that. What you do is important.” 

“Astrid, I don’t ever want you thinking that my job is more important than you are. Ever.”

Astrid smiled and buried her face his chest and tightly wrapped her arms around his neck. 

They stayed that way for a few moments, wrapped tightly around one another. 

“Uhh…Astrid, as nice as this is…I can’t breathe. If you could loosen the grip around my neck…” Astrid quickly released the tight hold around his neck and chuckled. 

“Sorry,” she sat up on her elbows again and stared into those bright green eyes before going back to her original position with her head on his chest. 

Hiccup kissed the top of her head and made a silent promise to never let Astrid think she came in second to his role as Chief ever again. 

Astrid took a deep breath. The calming sound of his heart and the comforting circles he was drawing on her side was making her eyes heavy. The last thought she had was how stupid she would have been if she hadn’t come here tonight. 

[royallyanxious]

Keep It Safe

I’m such a trash

Many of you may know that I’m a huge fan of the story called Keep Him Safe by my wonderful friend @whatwashernameagain. I tend to write comments longer than chapters and I think I re-read the whole thing at least 10 times. And recently *ekhem* under I suggested my dearest Eva that I would write an addition to the chapter 12 of this absolutely amazing story. Just because I effing love it. And also because I love Roman to the bones.

... I'm not good at writing but oh man, can i talk about Roman in the most elaborated way possible? Y-yeah, I think I can. I mean...

So let's go back to Chapter 12 of Keep Him Safe... Speaking more precisely to the moment when Virgil admires Roman’s painting. So like- in case someone wanted to read how I see Roman creating masterpieces in the middle of the night, here it is:

spoiler alert please don’t be mad at me

This is basically me describing that romantic fool. Nothing more.

It was past midnight. Actually way past midnight but Roman, despite the tiredness running through his veins, just couldn't seem to fall asleep, tossing around the bed in much more chaotic manner than usually. His mind was free, like a little sheep, bouncing in the sweet, dark, void of the night that was surrounding him. No matter how many time he closed his eyes all he could see was His face. Tinted in the most adorable shade of pink, cruelly painted with red and purple bruises and cuts. Without a fail, still mesmerizing, beautiful, enchanting...

How could anyone wish that little angel any harm? Roman abruptly prompted on his elbows, the rage and fury spilling out of him like a rich vine out of a golden cup. His shining, brighter than the stars on the sky above him, eyes snap opened. It was 4am, the lovers hour. And He was here, so close and Roman was painfully aware of it. Just a few meters away. Did his bruises still hurt? Was he in need of a comfort? A hug? Innocent kiss on the top of this wise head of his? The door leading to his little lynx’s tower were in the line of Roman’s sight. Someone, distantly, was rhythmically bumping into the wall. It took Roman a while to understand that it was his own heart, trying to rip out of his chest to rush on the rescue. Or maybe it was his soul desperately looking for a way out of his body to finally connect with its soulmate which, Roman is sure of that, was just a door away. Cautious ears were sure that he could hear His stable breath. Nostrils had no problem with catching His sweet, pure, reminding of chocolate with a pinch of chili, scent. In the ocean which smelt like old books and cleaning products (seriously, Logan’s a little bit freaky when it comes to cleaning his apartment), Virgil was like a subtle scent of white orchid, its petals dipped in purple blood on the edges. The crimson blanket slipped down Roman’s board chest as he quietly got up of the bed. His feet, instead diving in the soft carpet, seemed to be sinking in the endless sea of silence and uncertainty. It was so quiet. Only His breath behind that door and Roman’s heart, playing their melody in absolute synchronization.

 Roman’s steps were light and perfectly silent as he sneaked across the corridor. His head was spinning more and more with every step, pleasant nervousness raising up in his stomach. “So this is what they called being drunk with love” a shattered thought crossed Roman’s hazy head. When he finally found himself standing in front of the door to the guest room, he had to hold his breath. This was wrong, he shouldn’t be here. Would Virgil be frightened if he found out? Most probably yes. But Roman didn’t want to walk in, he didn’t want to watch him in his sleep (…maybe just a little bit), he just wanted to be as close as possible. He just wanted to make sure that maybe at least tonight Virgil was sleeping peacefully. Roman’s hand lingered on the cold doorknob. It was smooth, almost as smooth as His skin. As much as he dreamed of gently caressing His slender wrists, as much as he wished he could kiss His slim, pale arms, the thing that Roman wanted the most was to show Him how beautiful he was. He wanted to devote every inch of His skin, like an expensive, Chinese silk. He wanted to admire it like beautiful, antique painting. Roman’s thoughts started burning as the images of His bare, milky body appeared in his head. He respected every boundary Virgil was putting. He never meant to look at Him in the way He didn’t want to be looked at. It was not Roman intention to stare, when with Logan, he was trying to untangle this beautiful cat out of His clothes, but his eyes almost involuntarily got to spare a glance at His beautiful body.

 Thick brows furrowed and the hand slipped off the handle. That skin, milky, pale, perfect without a doubt, had been stained. The fear he felt when he saw Him lying on the ground, Scorpions surrounding him like hyenas, flushed Roman’s body again. They did that to Him. They fouled that angel, tried to break him as if He was a branch to snap. But He was fierce till the end. The spark in deep like an ocean, obsidian eyes left no doubt in Roman’s heart. That sent by heaven’s angel wouldn't stop fighting until the last drop of blood. And that was precisely what Roman feared the most.

 Biting lips, sending one final wistful glance at the doors behind which his beauty was sleeping peacefully, Roman made his way to his personal artistic corner. He had been spending so much time in Logan’s apartment that finally his beloved nerd agreed on Roman bringing here his painting utensil. Roman critically seized up the lion lined on the canvas. He had dreamed of this lion. Beautiful mane, blooming with thousands of exotic flowers, wise, thoughtful eyes, safety that was beaming from that fantastic creature. And yet something wasn’t right. Something was missing.

 One whisper from his heart and small wisp of passion was enough for Roman to grab the brush. His gaze suddenly exploded with colours as he looked at his paints, before finally his eyes rested on one colour. The paint came out smoothly, as if it was waiting to be used. As if it knew what its purpose. As soon as the brush touched the canvas Roman lost the contact with reality, swimming on the line between consciousness and unconsciousness. One feet resting on the floor, the other curled up, his hips leaning against the chair, his eyes so wild but, oh so gentle and loving. In his head this lion was becoming something more, something made out of colour purple, passion, strength and love. A symbol.

 When he finally dropped the brush, his hands were all covered with paint, his eyes hazy and his body more tired than ever. With the last, final spark of strength curling in his body, Roman rolled into Logan’s room. Not bothering to wake up his friend, knowing that he could explain later, he lied down on the bed. They would talk about it in the morning.

 Roman smiled faintly. So be it. So he foolishly chose a half-wild cat to be the love of his life. So be it, if He was enchanting lion, then Roman would be the painter, always ready to draw the thick wall defending Him from everything that meant harm. From everything, anything that could tangle His mane, that could bruise His utterly perfect face, that could rip out His fur. Roman was ready to fight and more than happy with that choice.

fin.

I’m very trashy fan.

[markgetsetgo]

The Only Exception

Author: ohhhkenneth

Pairing: Markson (GOT7)

Category: Romance

Length: 20 Chapters

Rated: M for smut, cursing

Summary:  Jackson is no stranger to one night stands or hookups. When the sun sets he comes alive; losing himself in the city lights, finding his way into the beds of guys whose names he didn't even bother to get. Relationships are off the table - he's more interested in the pursuit of unending happiness. Cars, clothes, money, sex. Life is easy for a twenty-something gay man in New York, especially when they're as hot as Jackson. What the boy wants, he gets. That is until his favorite coffee shop barista, Neil, is fired. Jackson is thrown for a curve ball when the coffee shop hires Mark Tuan as a replacement for Neil. Mark is a pale and beautiful young man who seems to have everything that Jackson wants, except one thing: he doesn't want Jackson.

Chapter 1

I have to be perfectly honest, I wasn't expecting to have as many potential suitors as I ended up having when I went out to the club on Saturday. I mean, being a young, wealthy, and good looking man - if I do say so myself - works wonders when you live in a large metropolis like New York. Over the year or so that I've been frequenting the bars my "little black book," if you will, has become filled with a dozen or so names of gorgeous and well endowed men that would drop anything if I called them, whether it was 4AM or 4PM, needing a hit. Typically I liked to find myself wrapped up in the sheets with another new body a few times a week. It was almost like a game to me, who could I get next, how long would it take me, that sort of thing.

One of my favorites, if not my absolute favorite, was Joel. He was a little older being 38 and all, but he was the epitome of a great fuck. I had heard stories of the mythical "monster dick" and men whose penises were that of tales and legends, but I hadn't run into one of those prized jewels until Joel. Turns out, they do exist. Unfortunately Joel is married and has three kids, so getting out and away from the family is sometimes tricky. We meet at motels and pretty well anywhere that we can. Sometimes I let him fuck me in his car. When you're horny you become crafty - every surface becomes a perfect place for fucking.

I met Chad online, he was a veteran, back from his tour in Iraq. He and I met on Grindr one evening when I realized that I was too spent and couldn't be bother to go out into the real world to find my night's fun. We exchanged a few contrived messages, "What's up?" "What are you into?" "Where do you live?" etc. After seeing a picture of him, I had to invite him over. I normally wouldn't host, because I don't like the idea of having perfect strangers in my condo where I have artwork that costs upwards of a hundred thousand dollars, but his ass was too great, it was an ass worth breaking a couple rules for.

Chad told me, the first night we met, that he was freshly single and wasn't well versed in bed. I told him it was okay, because I could take the lead, but I was pleasantly surprised that his own self evaluation of being an amateur was completely unfounded. Chad was a maniac.

Within minutes of me opening the front door, I found myself pressed up against the wall and my pants around my ankles. Chad bent me over slightly and buried his face into my ass, eating me out aggressively for what seemed like half an hour. I guess he had been deprived of ass eating for a while, and I was glad to help him out and be his late dinner.

Chad was the one with the perfect ass - even nicer than mine - so I was surprised when he took his saliva coated finger and slipped it into my quivering hole knuckle deep. He began fucking me in my front doorway for fifteen minutes, then lifted me into the living room where he threw me down, flipped me over, and took me for the ride of my life in one of the four positions he had in store for me that night. I guess being in the military really did have its advantages. Chad was incredibly strong, and tossed me around with ease. 

Finally, he finished me off by sticking his perfectly curved cock into my ass and pounded the cum out of me, making it sprout all over my chest. When he finished after me he mouthed a "thank you" and quickly did up his pants. Turns out he hadn't even taken his boots off, and with that he was out the door. I didn't mind that he trekked a little bit of mud in, I'd let him dump dirt all over my house if it meant that he would fuck me like that again. The maid would clean it anyway.

It's true that I have a wide range of men at my beck and call, some are into darker things like BDSM and role playing, some into feet and me stepping on them, still others are into romance and cuddling and "making love." I've been feeling a void inside my chest lately; something I can't quite put my finger on, that's making me anxious. For someone who can have literally anything he wants, why do I get the sense that I'm missing out on something? 

***

Work is something that keeps my mind busy when I'm not cruising or searching for the next hot guy to hit me up. I go into the office almost every day. One thing about me that I take pride in is my time management and conscientiousness; I stick to my schedule and respect my own boundaries and capabilities when it comes to work. My father's business got to where it was with my help, and together we have become incredibly successful. 

The only thing that makes work unattractive at times is the drudgery. It becomes incredibly slow and monotonous at times. Sometimes I find myself playing cheap games on my phone during meetings. That's why I take solace in the small things: the songs on the radio in the morning drive to work, seeing Neil each morning and getting my macchiato, the view from my office when the sun is rising. These are the things that maintain my sanity during the day.

Today was a morning just like every other. I pulled out of the car lot and headed towards Steepz, the coffee shop at the end of my street. They have a drive thru, but I insist on going in to speak with my favorite barista, the hilarious and cheerful Nathaniel.

When I step into the coffee shop, there's a small ding on the door as it closes behind me. There's a lineup of about 30 people, all tapping their feet and looking at their watches for the time. Seems there's a hold up; which is odd, considering Niel is practically a mad genius when it comes to coffee. He'd never let the line get this long.

"What's going on?" I softly ask the older woman in front of me.

"Ugh, they're taking so long. I think they're training a new staff member." she said over her shoulder to me in a very pointed tone.

I was tired too, so I understood her impatience. Coffee was like a drug, and this new staff member was the only thing between these angry addicts and the one thing they desired the most.

I waited and waited in the line, and since I'm my own boss I don't care about how late I am getting into the office, which is why I'm honestly not that upset when I finally get to the counter nearly 20 minutes later. 

The morning gets even weirder as I approach the counter and see that Niel is not working today. Surely he'd be the one training this newbie - he's the best there is. Instead, there's a shy and timid girl showing an even shyer and timid boy his way around the register. His face is down and his visor is hiding his face as he presses and prods at the till's buttons, nodding sternly to himself as the girl explains things to him.

When he lifts his head and greets me, I nearly lose my train of thought. 

"Hi, what would you like this morning?" the boy asks me in a gentle and warm tone.

It takes everything in me not to reply with "You. Right now. In front of everyone here."

I look down at the boy's name tag. Mark.

If I wasn't the most logical and rational thinker that I know, I would've believed anyone when they told me that Mark was an angel sent from the heavens to deliver coffee to me in that very moment. His hair was fluffy, a warm and deep golden color, falling neatly over his forehead. 

His eyes were two perfect slits of black that looked like they held the entire universe in them, and when he looked at me with a questioning gaze, I felt as though he had just looked right into my soul.

"Sir?" he asked. A single word that shattered me inside, arousing me beyond all control. It sounded so innocent, yet charming at the same time. What I wouldn't give to have him under me, begging me to enter him, whispering that same word to me in that same voice.

"I'll have a venti, skinny, caramel macchiato. Sorry." I finally answered when I had regained composure.

Mark nodded and turned his attention to the machine. His eyes went from innocent and loving to determined and focused as he worked away on the register.

"That'll be... $3.49 please." he said, looking back at me. I flashed him my gold American Express card, "Oh, credit. Okay, please insert when you're ready."

Insert when I'm ready? God, this boy. I thought.

"So, you're new. How are you liking it so far?" I said, punching my pin into the pad.

"It's really fun. I've made a lot of mistakes so far, but I'm excited to keep learning." Mark replied, beaming with light. 

"Ah, customers can be a bit unruly. Don't worry about it, I'm sure they'll warm up to you in no time. You have a very very inviting presence about you." I told him, wanting him to understand that I thought he was doing a great job.

"Thanks." he pursed his lips back and blushed.

"Here, this is for you, keep your spirits high. I'm sure it's the first of many tips you'll get." I handed him a fifty dollar bill and winked, heading off to the side to wait for my drink.

As I walked away I caught Mark's reaction to the tip. He was stunned, he picked the money up and quickly pocketed it, then shouted a thank you to me to which I nodded back at. 

I spent the next few minutes examining the new barista further as I waited for my drink. Mark looked to be about my age, although his gentle and loving demeanor made him appear a lot younger. He was fresh faced, with perfect soft skin and a winning smile that just begs to be returned. Though his eyes were determined and wise, they were juxtaposed on his face by his cute and boyish features. He was truly a sight for sore eyes. Maybe Neil being gone wasn't all that bad, after all.

[annnnnnabanana]

How can you tell them that you want them and that you care for them but you can’t be with them. I’ll always be there for you. when it is 3am and im drunk or when its 2pm and im working. I’m there. always there. it’s you; it’s always been you since I met you five months ago. The way you make me feel is insane. It’s an indescribable feeling. You made me feel every single fucking emotion. You made me so happy but you managed to make me so sad. Luckily the happy outweighed the sad. Maybe one day we will cross paths, you’ll see me, i’ll see you, we’ll meet up and reconnect and talk like we never stopped. Our passion was like fire. Bright and hot. We loved hard for five months. We definitely fought to be together. You picked me. You wanted me instead of her. I picked you over everyone. You understood me. I remember staying up for nights in a row just to talk to you until morning. Our silences were so calming and weren’t awkward. I could sit there and listen to you breathe and be so content with life. I wish we were in my car and I was driving doing something stupid and you just laughed like I was an idiot but I really knew you were falling in love with me with every little moment we spent together. From the waffle house dates to playing monopoly to getting lost in Narnia a.k.a. IKEA to sitting in my room just talking to being on facetime and you making music or you showing me your favorite songs. God I miss you. To be honest, I don’t think i’ll ever stop missing you. You were something special. You didn’t know how to open up to me. I struggled because i knew you wanted to let me in but you couldn’t. You didn’t want to get hurt. You didn’t want someone to learn so much about you that they could hurt you. I wasn’t ever going to hurt you. I never planned on it. But you, you hurt me. You destroyed me. I’m broken because of you. But there you are, partying and getting drunk with random people you don’t know, probably fucking some girl in your room, to suppress your feelings; but here I am, getting drunk and crying my pitiful, sad tears all alone to let out my feelings. You’re numb. You put up these walls that I spent five months trying to break down. I let you in straight away because i’m too trusting. I care too much. I love too deeply. I get attached too easily. It fucks me up. Maybe one day i’ll learn to not do that to keep my heart from being broken and crushed. You ripped my heart out of my chest tonight. I’ll be numb too, just like you. But eventually i’ll be okay. I’ll find someone who won’t make me feel like this. You’ll still be sleeping around trying to forget your hurt and pain. I wonder if you’ll lay in your bed at night tossing and turning because you can’t sleep because you’re thinking of me and if I still miss you. If you’re wondering, I do. We both have some growing up to do. We both were changing. You couldn’t handle having someone there to help you through it. You didn’t want to change together. You didn’t want to grow with me, I did. I wanted to go through everything with you; the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. You were scared you were going to hurt me so you let me go. It was more painful to know you didn’t want to try with me. You tried to spare my feelings. I’m not some fragile fucking doll. I am a damn human. I am strong and I can take what you throw at me. I wanted us to work out. In all honesty, it got to the point, for me, where I was day dreaming about our future together. Our house, our jobs, our kids, our wedding. All of it. But it doesn’t matter now. You threw it all away… But I hope you can be happy and successful just like I hope you wish the same for me. I won’t talk bad about you because you were and still are what I wanted. You’ll forever be engraved in my heart and my mind. You taught me how a guy should treat me, how I should be loved, and I can’t thank you enough for it. Hopefully, I taught you something too. Maybe you can love your next girl even better and treat her even better. Maybe she will be more than what I could/ did give you. I hope she does you well. I hope she checks up on you while you’re drunk. I hope she likes your music and she supports you. I hope she doesn’t get mad when you need to be alone because you’re going through something you can’t explain. I hope she knows your favorite colors, that you only like Chickfilas diet lemonade and that’s all you will drink from there, your slightly unhealthy obsession with Selena Gomez and butts, that you love choking people and that it is your job, that you can eat seven plates of food and still be hungry, that your favorite movie of all time is Dead pool, that you’re insecure about your calves and only you can make fun of them or you get upset, that you and your sister are really close, that you and your dad share college stories, that you love memes and deadlifting, that your favorite animal is a penguin, that you believe in aliens, that even though you are lactose intolerant you still choose to eat area 51 ice cream because that is your favorite place, that you also really love chicken nuggets and I think if it were possible you would marry them, that you love waffle house, that you love crazy crew socks, that you love being dressy and you love playing dress up, that when you start tapping your fingers to the beat of a song you are playing the beat in your head and trying to figure it out, that you’re weird but it makes you ten times funnier, that you are charming, that you are the perfect gentleman, that it is hard for you to open up and let people in, and I hope she gets to know more of you than I got to know even if I wanted to know every detail about you; from the day you were born to the very day and moment we are in right now.

Why can’t you get drunk and text me that you miss you like I do when i’m drunk. It doesn’t seem fair that you hold it together so well while i’m barely holding on by a thread, just dangling there waiting for someone to cut the string. You remember how this whole thing started? It started with Grey’s Anatomy. You tweeted, “what’s so hype about greys?” I replied, “hot doctors and crazy cool illnesses.” You said, “hmm maybe i’ll watch an episode.” A few days later, I dmed you because it gave me the perfect excuse to talk to you. Of course you said you didn’t watch it. I remember the first thing you told me was that you thought your middle name was weird and then you randomly told me your middle name. we talked every day from that night. We made so many memories starting from that night. and now… now it’s all over. Both going through the same cycle. Heartbreak, sadness, possibly anger, happiness. But then we just start over with someone new and then go through that cycle with them. I didn’t want to have to start over. I didn’t want to go through the heartache or the breakups or the sadness. I wanted to be with you and only you. I wanted to wake up at 4am and look to my left and see you laying next to me. I wanted to make breakfast together in our cute apartment/ house. I wanted to cuddle up next to you on our couch eating dinner and drink some sort of alcoholic beverage enjoying each others company watching some weird ass show I probably found. I’ll always wonder what you’re doing. If you’re talking to some new girl. If you’re having sex with some girl to fill the void like you do. I’ll wonder if you’re okay. I’ll wonder if you wonder about me. I’ll wonder if you want to get back together with me. I’ll always wonder. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I miss you and I hope you miss me too. 1/22/2017 2:05am 1/24/2016 11:03pm You texted me today. I replied with I miss you. You didn’t reply. I drove to all of our places today. I cried and I laughed because of our memories we made. Im sad because I know that it’s completely over between us and I wish it wasn’t because we had so much growing to do that we could have done together. I know you want to be with me but right now it’s too hard. We could have been something special, ya know? Really special. We could have given each other the world. I miss you so much. Its only been four days but all I do is cry. 1/27/17 8:07am I am in class. It’s boring. And all I’m doing is thinking about you. I still miss you. It’s been 6 days, almost a week since we broke up. I’m still sad but I’m better. I hope we can try again one day. You were and still are my favorite person. You make me so happy. You said you wanted to be with me but you couldn’t. It hurt but it didn’t hurt nearly as bad as when you said you are trying to detach yourself. That broke me. I’m sorry for talking about my feelings and oversharing and just missing you. I don’t really know what to do. I have this feeling that we will get back together but in my mind we won’t. I have not been able to get the thought out of my head that you are fucking some other girl and the thought of that makes me sick. Like honestly sick, like I could throw up at any moment. I had a dream last night: you came to my house with flowers, talked to my mom. You didn’t tell her we were broken up because you knew that I never told her in hopes of us getting back together and I didn’t want her to not like you. You came to my room and asked if we could talk and I said get the hell out because I didn’t want to speak to you because you broke my heart. You didn’t leave. You came in, shut my door and sat on my bed. I sat up and said I didn’t want to hear anything you had to say because I was sick of your bullshit. You talked to my anyways because you knew I would listen. You said, “I want to be with you, Anna. I miss you and I keep coming back to you. You are my favorite person. I would do anything for you. I care about you so much. Do you miss me? (as if you didn’t already know the answer).” “Of course I miss you, Braeden. How could I not? You were so special to me and I don’t think you realized it. But I am so sick of your bullshit excuses and I’m tired of running back to you just so you can break my heart again and again and again. You showed me something about myself that I didn’t think anyone could show me. You showed me how I should be treated by everyone that came into my life and I can’t thankyou enough for that.” “Do you wanna go for a drive with me”, you asked. “Yeah, I do.” We got up to leave. My mom said be safe and that she loved us. We got in your car and started driving. You told me why you left and that there was no ulterior motive behind it, that you weren’t lying. I am so appreciative of the fact that you are so honest with me. I stared out the window while you were talking to me. I couldn’t look at you without crying. I just wanted to hug and kiss you but I knew I couldn’t do that. That it wouldn’t be fair to me or you. I am always looking out for you. I always have and will put you and your feelings above myself even though I know I shouldn’t do that. You looked at me looking out the window and you smiled. I saw it in the reflection of the windshield. I said what. You said, “I have to tell you something and im not sure how you will react or how im going to react after the words come out of my mouth.” I said, “what is it? Are you gonna tell me you slept with 15 girls in the matter of a 2 weeks and then got back together with Mallory?” “No I wasn’t going to tell you that. Why would you think that? I never even thought of sleeping with someone else Anna.”, you said. I said, “ that’s what you do Braeden. When you are single, you fuck. That’s all you do is fuck.” I knew when I said that, I hurt you. I didn’t mean to. I apologized for saying it. You know I would never hurt you on purpose. You told me that it was okay; that you knew I was sorry. You acted like it didn’t affect you. I hate when you do that. You put up this façade and act like nothing matters to you and that nothing hurts you and that you don’t care. I do it too. I am trying to stop it. You said, “can I tell you what I was trying to tell you ten minutes ago?” we are in horn lake somewhere, I don’t remember driving that far. “yes you can, Im sorry.” Im always apologizing for something. “don’t be sorry, Anna. But * long pause* I think I love you.” I sit up and I finally looked at you. “what?” “Yes, Anna, I really do.” “Since when Braeden because you sure as hell don’t act like it,” I said. “since I met you. I knew it on our first date that I was gonna fall in love with you.” “oh…,” I said. Then I woke up and Im not quite sure what happened after that.. I know that this dream will never happen in real life. I know that you don’t love me like that. I know you don’t want me. And that’s okay. I’m eating. More than the last time we broke up. Im not drowning my feelings and filling my veins with alcohol like I did before. Im better. I might be sad but im better. My mom asked about you Friday, I had to tell her and she got mad at me for not telling her sooner… Telling her, made it seem so much more real. I didn’t want her to know because it gave me some sort of hope in us getting back together. I didn’t want her to not like you but she still likes you even loves you. I had another dream; all you did was text me about some hockey player attatched with a picture. It was weird and I don’t know what’s happening to me. Its been 4 days and I still haven’t cried.. its been a week and one day since we broke up and it still hurts just like it did the first time you broke up with me. Day 11 since we broke up… 2/1/17 10:31am Well its our almost what would have been six months of being together. 3 months of officially dating. But that doesn’t exist anymore. I got sad yesterday and of course im still sad today. I think about you all the time. You never leave my mind. It’s literally impossible to go a second without seeing thinking of you. I see you in everything I do. It hurts me but somehow makes me happy at the same time. I still have all our pictures and videos because I can’t seem to delete them. It would make me sad to know that I could never look back at all the memories we made. I am honestly surprised I am doing as well as I am. When we broke up the first time, I was a mess. I didn’t eat or sleep or anything really. The only thing I did was drink and drink and drink. Its all I did for a week straight. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t breathe. I felt sick. I missed my home. My comfort. My safe place. You were my home. I never felt safer than when I was in your arms. Your hugs made me feel warm and happy. No matter what I did or how I felt, you were always there for me. It’s hard to do things without thinking of you or it bringing back memories. I can’t listen to certain songs or go to certain places or order certain things without crying or feeling sadness because it is all associated with you. I remember every little detail about you and our relationship. It’s a constant cycle of me just replaying our memories in my brain. It’s never ending. You are on my mind when I wake up, all day, when I go to sleep, and even in my dreams. I can never get away from you no matter how hard I try. I know it’s not over for us. I feel it in my bones, my heart, my brain, my blood, everything. We are nowhere near done; not any time soon. I was talking to Meagan last night. I know what you are thinking; your best friend. My Mallory has told me over and over that all you did was use me for sex. But I don’t think you did. If I did, you wouldn’t have stayed with me for five months. You would have left me the second after we did stuff together. I think you genuinely cared for me and showed me how I should be treated and I cant thank you enough for that. I am so appreciative of you. I know you know that I am always there for you no matter what and that I will always care for you and that you will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart. I told her that I think we were getting super serious too fast and it scared you. You aren’t used to something like that. You take your time but I think you realized that you were falling and falling hard and fast and you didn’t know what to do or how to handle it. I was scared because I didn’t know what was happening. Im terrified. I didn’t know what I was feeling or how I was feeling. My emotions went crazy. I think I realized that I was falling too. I’m scared of being happy. Scared of being in love. Scared of fully opening myself up to someone. I know you are too. I don’t think you and Mallory or any of your exes had a connection like we did. I don’t think you felt like this with anyone but me. I really do hope you are doing okay because im not. Im doing horrible. Im constantly being asked if I am and I say yes but I know I am lying and I think they know im lying too. They still like you. They hope that we get back together. They want you to come over on super bowl Sunday. My dad asked about you… He said he missed you and he never says that about anyone. Im sorry I feel the way I feel. Im sorry I couldn’t help you get through what you needed to get through. I told Meagan that she could read this one day but I don’t think I will let her. Maybe one day I can stop writing because A) we get back together or B) I finally get over you. Man, I hope it is the first one. I really do. But for right now, I’m not done writing and I won’t be anytime soon.. I Love You So Much. Its 3:03am on Friday February 3rd, 2017. You sent me a song yesterday that you remixed. It was another one of your breakup mixes, you know, the ones that make you a lot of money and get you a lot of views… yeah one of those. I don’t know why you did it. Was it to hurt me? To remind me of you and that you still existed? Either way it was still good and I really like it. But I decided to look up the meaning of the lyrics and it hurt me. “fighting flames of fire hang onto burning wires we don’t care anymore Are we fading lovers?” It makes total sense. We had hardships in our relationship. A lot, actually. We are fading; we don’t talk anymore. We hung to burning wires; clinging for us to stay together. Fighting for what we wanted and needed. I cried for so long today. My mom is worried. I don’t know how long it will take me to be happy again. I’m getting drunk tonight, and Saturday and Sunday. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take my feelings and emotions and the pain. It feels like my heart has been ripped out and stepped on by a bunch of elephants. You were like the ocean and I was drowning. I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know how I’m functioning. I am a functioning depressed person. I hope you regret it. I hope you regret leaving me. I hope you realize you made a wrong choice and that you come back to me. I hope that you think about me everyday.. and what we could have been. You texted me today.. 2/9/17.. you asked about your red jacket. I know you knew I didn't have it, or so I thought? Was it just an excuse to text me, to see me? What was it? Because i cant keep having you text me randomly when you miss me or when you feel like. Its fucked up on your end knowing how much I care for you.