#--comfort them. often when we were in the midst of our *own* breakdown because we were hurting from what they did!

[lesboylycan]

so. hm.

[dontshootmespence]

Through It All

Part 27

Summary: Now married, Spencer & Y/N navigate the D/s lifestyle. How will their relationship change?

Words: 1,923

Warnings: Anxiety.

A/N: No smut, just fluff!

The birth parents, Ai Campbell and Kyle Richardson, could meet you and Spencer and decide that they didn’t like you as much as they thought, so instead of telling your parents or Diana about the possible new babies, BABIES, you just ask your parents to babysit Charlotte while you have a date day.

Once Charlie’s out the door with your parents you start to get shaky, your legs barely able to hold up your weight. Spencer wraps you in his arms. “In through your nose and out through your mouth. We can do this.”

“What if they don’t like us?” You ask as loudly as your voice can muster. You feel so small, so scared. Your hopes are already up.

Spencer takes a deep breath, clearly a little on edge himself and chuckles. “Well, one, they’d be wrong. We’re amazing. And two, like you said before, it’s either meant to be or it’s not, but we’ll get through it.”

“I want these babies, Spence.”

Reaching into your bag, he pulls out your hairbrush. “We have a few minutes before we have to go. Turn around and close your eyes.”

His instructions pull you away from your thoughts for a moment so you turn around and do as he says, smiling softly when he pulls the brush through your hair. “This always relaxes you.”

“It does.” Nothing puts you at ease more than having your hair brushed.

Minutes flow into hours, at least your body believes it. When you’re finally peaceful, Spencer taps three times on your shoulder and whispers that it’s time to go. As his hand slips into yours, you swallow back your fear and hope for the best.

---

Cradle of Hope practically crackles with electricity. The moment is now. On the way over, Minnie called to let you know that Ai and Kyle were there a little early and excited to meet you both.

Spencer parks the car and comes to your side to open the door, taking your hands in his. “Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.” He repeats himself two more times before asking if you’re ready to do this.

You breathe calmly. “Let’s go.”

Inside, Minnie ushers you in and preps you both that way Spencer had prepped you. She just tells you to be yourselves. “Because if they fall in love with who you are, the people right in front of them, you’ll probably get chosen. It’s when people are closed off that these kinds of meetings don’t go well.

After a quick introduction via Minnie, she leaves the four of you alone. Ai is barely showing, but she has her hand on her stomach anyway, clearly protective. Just as you are, she’s a little nervous, but Kyle and Spencer take the lead and introduce themselves. “How are you?” Spencer asks. “Ai, how are you feeling?”

“A little morning sickness,” she replies. “But nothing too horrible just yet.” Sitting down on the couch, she cuddles into Kyle, clearly they’re on the same page about this and they love each other. In terms of birth parents, if they choose you, you couldn’t be luckier. “Minnie just said that we should get to know each other. We’ve read your file, but maybe you could tell us a little bit about your lives.”

Spencer gives your hand a squeeze. Your nervous energy is now his, so you tell Ai and Kyle all about how you met at a bar and fell hard and fast for Spencer. He smiles at your words and pulls you close. “We’ve been married for a couple years now and have a beautiful little girl named Charlotte Magnolia. We call her Charlie for the most part. Occasionally Maggie and Spencer calls her little flower.”

“She is,” Spencer continues. “I used to work for the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit as a profiler. After nearly 20 years with the Bureau, I decided to start teaching and consulting on occasion so I could be home with Y/N. Best decision I ever made after asking her out and asking her to marry me.”

“Stop, you guys are so cute,” Ai laughs. “Okay, so Kyle and I are really intent on these babies being adopted together. We want them to be wanted by whoever adopts them. Not just they’ll take two because they don’t want to lose the opportunity for one, if you know what I mean?”

“I do,” you reply. “I would be lying if I said that taking on two babies at once didn’t scare the ever-living shit out of me-”

“Me too.” Spencer nods vigorously.

Laughing, you continue. “But we want them both. Having them will complete the family we’ve always wanted.”

Kyle leans forward and opens his mouth, hesitant at first. “Can I ask why you want to adopt when you do have a biological child? Do you think you’ll feel any differently about her as opposed to them.”

Spencer responds immediately, ensuring them that children are children and if they choose you, those babies will be your children in all ways but one.

“As for why adoption, I’ve always wanted to adopt. And although I love the result of my pregnancy, the pregnancy itself was taxing on my body and to be truthful it’s not something I want to put my body through again.”

“With all this morning sickness, I feel you.” Ai takes a sip of water and pulls Kyle back into the couch so she can lean on him. Nearly an hour passes as you trade stories. Almost nothing about the adoption itself, just random stories that allow you to get a feel for who everyone is as people. “Do you have any questions for us?”

Spencer wrings his hands together and leans up, having slouched into the couch over the course of the last hour. “We do. Umm, what made you pick us to meet out of all the files you read?”

“We both like the fact that you already have a baby.” Ai rubs her stomach, a somewhat sad smile crawling across her lips. “I guess it gives us the assurance that you’d be good parents, because you already are. We also liked your FBI background, Spencer. We feel like they’d be safe, which is all we want. Safe and happy and-”

Without meaning to, Kyle cuts her off. “Sorry, babe. We really liked the way you spoke about each other. Kind of reminded us of us. We’ve been together since high school. And although we would like these babies, we don’t feel as if we can give them the life they deserve while still working to cement our own lives.” The last few words catch in his throat and Ai begins to hold back tears.

“How involved would you want to be post-adoption?” You ask shakily. You feel for them. Though you want these babies, you feel awful that they do too and just aren’t in a place to provide for them. “Do you want updates?”

“We’d definitely love updates,” Kyle says, squeezing Ai’s hand. “As often as you would be comfortable. Possibly visits, again if that would be okay with you. But those don’t have to be as often. Probably couldn’t be, especially while in college. Is that something you’d both be okay with?”

Nodding, you reach across the table separating the two couches and wrap your arms around Ai’s neck. She’s full on crying now. You don’t know what else to say, so you tell her it’s going to be okay and no matter what happens things are going to work out. “We definitely want them to know that they’re lucky enough to have four parents that love them.”

Kyle pulls Ai in for a hug and soon enough you’re all at least a little bit teary eyed. There seem to be a few whispers between them before he responds. “Ai, yea?”

She nods.

“We choose you. We want you guys.”

Your quiet stream of tears becomes a raging waterfall. “Thank you,” You cry. “We promise they’ll never doubt how much they’re loved.”

---

Once it truly settles in that you’ve been chosen the panic starts to settle in. Less than a year from now, your little family of three will become a family of five. Two newborns at once? Twice as many bills? Three children under the age of three? It’s both exciting and vomit-inducing. Obviously, it’s what you and Spencer both want, but you will have to go through that period of uncertainty again, where you question every decision you make as a parent and a human being.

For nearly a month, you and Spencer busy yourselves with reconfiguring the apartment to accommodate two babies. There’s a small office across the apartment where you move Charlotte, so that her old bedroom, the larger room, can hold two cribs. In the midst of trying to put everything together you have a little bit of a breakdown about how cluttered everything feels, which leads to you and Spencer discussing the possibility of a move into the suburbs once the babies are ready to transfer into big kid beds.

So much is happening at once and despite wanting to take your time with each other, quickies in the morning become the norm. Eventually, you’ll both settle into the building anticipation and get back to your preferred sexual routines, but neither of you can focus at the moment and with all the preparations and nervousness you’re too tired to do anything but snuggle.

“Should we tell Charlie about the babies?” You ask, basking in the afterglow for a brief moment before pushing yourself up. “I mean I know Ai and Kyle could still back out, but I have a good feeling.”

“And we don’t want to leave her blindsided anway,” Spencer says, pulling on his flannel pajama pants. “How about over breakfast?”

In agreement, you grab Charlie from her room and let her pick an outfit before bringing her out to the table, where Spencer already has some eggs ready for her. “Charlie, Mommy and Daddy have something special to tell you,” Spencer starts, his voice constricting. Somehow, through all the unsubs he talked down and all the times you and he have done everything under the sun, he finds himself at a loss for words in front of your barely two year old.

Crouching down, you meet her at her level and hold her little hand. “There’s a mommy out there, kind of like me, who has two babies in her belly. But she can’t take care of them, so she asked Daddy and I to take care of them. You’re going to be a big sister.”

Try reading a 21-month-old. It’s hard. Even Spencer looks baffled, though it looks like the gears in Charlie’s sweet little head are turning. “Babies?” She asks pointing to your stomach.

“Not my belly, baby. They’re in another lady’s belly and she needs help so the babies are going to come here and be your little brothers or sisters.”

A small smile forms on her face. “I help?”

“You can absolutely help with the babies!” You say excitedly, thankful that her reaction wasn’t worse or even non-existent. “You’re going to be a great big sister.”

Without a word, she jumps off her seat at the table and runs into her room only to come out moments later with a baby doll in hand. “I help.”

Bending down, you kiss the top of her head and pick her up, sandwiching her between yourself and Spencer. “Best big sister ever,” he whispers.

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[linernotesandseasons]

My 18 Favorite Albums of 2018

Well...Here it is again! 2018 was a...YEAR. One of the toughest I’ve had so far. But full of hard work, growth, challenges, & little victories. Here are some of the albums that soundtracked it. 18 releases that I loved & supported. Songs that helped me make it through. For the seventh year in a row...My favorite albums. Listed here in no particular order (unless you know/enjoy the english alphabet). Top 5 are probably Monae, Rainbow Kitten Surprise, Field Report, McEntire, & Liza Anne, in that order. Music marks time & space. These are the ones for this year. Enjoy! 

AMERICAN TRAPPIST   /   Tentanda Via

       We start our 2018 journey in a comfortingly familiar place with the second official full length album from Toms River, New Jersey’s American Trappist. His self-titled debut made my 2016 favs list and his old band River City Extension (top 5 reunion tour wish list for sure!) were second to Fun. on my list way back in 2012. Safe to say Joe Michelini is one my favorite songwriters of the last 10 years. Lucky for us, 2018 found Michelini writing equal parts depressing & uplifting boardwalk rock & roll for/from the underdog/underground. Tentanda Via (Latin for “the way must be tried”) is a blast of an album; full of horns, drums (both jazzy & rock & roll-y!), inspired piano, & Michelini at the helm sounding altogether confident in his existential breakdowns. To me this reads like a coming-of-age album at heart (the way must be tried!), but a deeper, wiser sort of unraveling. A mid-30′s rock opus about learning to live with yourself. Learning how to make yourself better. These songs are inspiring and mix more than a little Springsteen ethos (maybe it’s the horns?!) with some late 90′s/early 2000′s emo/indie/alternative etc...

The straightforward rockers “Death Wish” & “Nobody’s Gonna Get My Soul” bookend the nine track album with surprisingly nimble & crunchy electric riffs and off-the-charts energy! In between, the mid tempo drive of “Getting Even” & “Don’t Get In” lets Michelini’s emotional writing really shine. The words jump out of the songs, full of passion, desperation, & an urgency that makes me glad people are still making records like this. There’s also a unholy, weird interlude that you have to hear to believe called “Unfresh Dirtwolf.” American Trappist is a band that came from the ashes of another band. A band that seems reluctant to tour West of...Ohio. A band that stays under the radar. Michelini has been writing some of my favorite songs for awhile & it feels good growing older together. Here’s hoping for a new one of these every other (or just every?!) year for me to belt along to with the windows down in my Subaru. Joe, if you’re listening out East, don’t stop. This is why I love music. 

       “Driving through my hometown I feel the peace of the Lord / Ride up behind me on a blind dream from my childhood / Looking back again, it’s hard to understand / Getting older, I guess I do / Waiting on some waking dream like it might find you...”

BLACK BELT EAGLE SCOUT   /   Mother of My Children

       I bought Black Belt Eagle Scout’s debut album at Twist & Shout Records the day it came out. I think I loved the cover art and the idea of Katherine Paul’s solemnly solo rock album, recorded in the dead of Winter in rural Washington, sounding like just what I wanted in my headphones to face the Fall. Then (as so often happens) I got a text a month later from my partner at 12:27am that read simply...

“I’m okay. Going to bed meow. Listen to Black Belt Eagle Scout.” 

From there we took Mother of My Children on a snowy road trip to Durango, Colorado. Crisscrossing mountain passes through snowstorms, & visiting Mesa Verde National Park, we let Paul’s earnest, determined, & emotional songs, sweep us into the gray. All this to say that this album has already marked some pretty specific time & place for me. There is a starkness to these songs, a simplicity that makes the songwriting stand alone. Where lesser lyricists would be revealed as phonies (or simply bad) Katherine Paul’s stark, powerful words are illuminated by her minimalist production. With a rhythmically mournful 80′s/90′s emo touch (for more modern emo fans I might even hear a little Manchester Orchestra) Paul doesn’t pull any punches. The guitar gets delightfully heavy on the outro to six minute epic opener “Soft Stud” and then twirls & spirals with the drums in the entrancingly sad “I Don’t Have You in My Life.” This is an important album for Paul to have written and there is a great power in her words. Oh also... she plays every instrument on the album!?! Guitar, bass, drums, vibraphone, keyboard, organ, various percussion, & all vocals. Very Vagabon. Very Caroline Rose (spoiler alert!)! With our world on fire, and full of threats (from our own government) to native lands & native people, it’s increasingly important to listen to and hear/heed the words and writings of people like Paul; a radical, indigenous, queer, feminist from Oregon. Thanks for speaking out KP. Listen to Black Belt Eagle Scout. 

       “Do you ever notice what surrounds you? When it’s all bright & tucked under / Do you ever notice what’s around you? When it’s all right under our skin...”

CAMP COPE   /   How To Socialise & Make Friends

       Camp Cope is a GREAT band name. Camp Cope is a REALLY GREAT band. Camp Cope has a wit & an attitude that is so punk rock, so genuine, & How To Socialise & Make Friends is a powerful album. Hailing from Melbourne, Australia, Camp Cope rides a practiced garage-y sound and lead singer & lyricist Georgia Mac’s passionate howl and impressive writing. As someone who grew up on early 2000′s pop-punk, emo, & alternative (something I guess I probably regret more often than celebrate. Because toxic masculinity & white male fragility) there is something so bittersweetly nostalgic in these chord progressions, the earnest electric strums, the yell-sing vocals, that takes me back to high school. Georgia Mac has a way with words, sliding them in & out, over cascading, steady strums, & then sometimes building them up to a frantic yelling. These are songs that sound as if they had to come out, had to be sung this way, like no one else could write or sing them. With an equally muscular rhythm section, “The Opener” attacks music industry sexism head on (if you haven’t seen Camp Cope live, it is chill inducing hearing a whole room belt along to every word) with a bass riff that could fly a jetliner. The three members interact so well together musically and everything from the driving “UFO Lighter” to the lilting “Sagan, Indiana” sounds tightly rehearsed. Equally passionate in their social media presence and their willingness to engage and fight for social justice issues, Camp Cope represents the future. Bands like this are changing the game right now and it’s exciting to hear it in real time. 

When I close my eyes for a second, as the title tracks rings out and the gorgeously, lightly sad “The Face of God” ambles in, I’m 17 again. I’m driving for the first time, crying at the moon by myself or laughing with my friends. I’m a freshman in college, skipping my Friday classes (and braving mountain passes!) headed west, headed home. Then I snap awake and I’m 32, it’s Winter here and Georgia bellows “Just get it all out, put it in a song. Just get it all out, write another song!” Thanks Camp Cope. This album is special. 

       “It’s another all-male tour preaching equality / It’s another straight, cis man who knows more about this than me / It’s another man telling us we’re missing a frequency / SHOW ‘EM KELLY / It’s another man telling us we can’t fill up the room / It’s another man telling us to book a smaller venue / Nah, hey, cmon girls we’re only thinking about you / Well, see how far we’ve come not listening to you / ‘Yeah just get a female opener, that’ll fill the quota’...”

CAROLINE ROSE   /   Loner

       It took Caroline Rose four years from her weirdly rootsy-riffy debut album to find her true self, but Loner sounds every bit like an artist comfortable in their own skin & confident in their craft. Dialing up the synths, fuzz, and brilliantly tongue-in-cheek lyrics, Rose touches on all the big topics: drugs, death, sex (ism), and money! with a casual, conversational songwriting maturity that belies her 28 year old sophomore-ness. Favorites include “Jeannie Becomes a Mom” (check out that bouncy organ!), the steady build & twisty, head-turning songwriting of “Getting To Me,” & the electro warp & wend of “To Die Today.” I was finally convinced into falling for this album when my partner played it three times (or was it six?) back-to-back-to-back on a rainy Summer Sunday afternoon drive from Granby, CO back into Denver. Something about the pacing; the complex, yet immediate song structures that leave you wanting more. These are songs of tested confidence. But shining through it all, Rose is a wild card. A red clad rockstar with a palpable spirit, not afraid to wear her heart on her sleeve & laugh a little along the way. Loner is full of dance jams for the cool kids & the loners. At its core it preaches acceptance, and teaches us to love ourselves & love each other for who we are. Go Caroline! See you in a month in LA! 

       “Waitress sets the tables, two & four & six / Laying placemats, knife, fork, spoon, upon napkin / All the counter people, she knows us all by name / A counter people fission, everywhere we are the same... / & so you line ‘em up, a single cell, another one gone / Ostracon vase with your name on the line...”

FIELD REPORT   /   Summertime Songs

       At some point during this year I begin to realize how important beloved songwriters releasing new works is always going to be to me, I was falling (& re-falling) for new works from long time favs Calexico, Gregory Alan Isakov, Florence & The Machine, & of course Phosphorescent. But somehow it was Field Report’s third release Summertime Songs that stuck and became perhaps the most meaningful of all. I fell in love with Field Report in the midst of a hard, hard winter (2012 I think). Their sophomore album Marigolden has been a constant companion since 2014. I first heard this set of songs (the ones that comprise Summertime) in the June of 2017, sweating in the familiar Eau Claire, Wisconsin heat. Hearing a set of 100% new, unreleased material is exciting and also kind of a risk. After the set I wrote that the new tunes “Sound like June. Like wet cement & flash floods. Like swollen rivers & mosquitos full of hard fought human blood. Like growing older & having kids. Intimate details stretched over skittery, percussive thunderclouds. Like grabbing an electric fence. Digging in &...replanting.” I was 100% in it. On a high in Wisconsin & falling deeper in love with music. Then Field Report went mostly silent & we had to wait till early 2018 to get the recorded versions. Adding even more drums (Shane Leonard deserves a shout-out here as a killer pocket player!) some electronic effects, and ramping up on the arm-out-the-rolled-down-window singalongs definitely serves Chris Porterfield (did you know the name Field Report is just an anagram of his last name?!) well. Whoever it was who asked him “why don’t you try Summertime songs” was on the right track. His songwriting is as electric as always on this set of heartbreakers & as usual he follows a lot the same threads. His lyrics here are visceral, wordy, & wise, & i can feel the songs growing up with me. Sometimes I lead, sometimes they lead me, but we always seem to find each other exactly when we need to. 

       “Time is a bird with a mean, hooked beak / & he’s just waiting around to work on you & on me... / Shotgun wedding, black on blue / The river’s swelling like a bruise...”

H.C. McENTIRE   /   Lionheart

       Heather McEntire has been carving out a name for herself in the North Carolina music scene for years fronting old-school punk band Bellefea & more recently, the much loved Mount Moriah. But way way back in January, Lionheart roared in under her own name; all ferocious & tender, confident & wild. A true southern record, Lionheart is vocal & lyric forward. From the Sunday morning hymn swell of opener “A Lamb, A Dove,” to the driving swing of “Baby’s Got the Blues,” & the late night, red wine country of “When You Come For Me.” McEntire enlists all her talented musical friends on this effort. There are co-writes with the legendary Kathleen Hanna of Bikini Kill (whom McEntire credits with helping her find her individual voice), bgvs from Amy Ray (Indigo Girls), Angel Olsen, & Tift Merrit, & inspired guitar work from William Tyler & Durham favorite Phil Cook!

Through it all, McEntire stays true to the thread that made Mount Moriah’s “How To Dance” one of my 2016 favs. Lionheart exudes the smells & scenery of North Carolina and reads like a map at times, referencing points from Stoney Creek to the Green River Gorge. Some of my favorite songs written over the last five years (or ever) have a very strong (& often specific) idea of place. If country music is going to representative of the country that I want to live in, it’s going to be sung by people like Heather McEntire.  A powerful queer southern woman; vulnerable & brave, a true Lionheart. 

       “You’ll find me in the hollow, dosing anything that might / Make the map look any smaller, give me a dog in the fight / So call it off or call it God, call it anything you like / Do you see it in my eyes? / A levee on the rise, do you see it? / The tellin’ ain’t told gently, so pay your tab & pay your dues / The dogwood & the chicory & a silent wood stove flue / Your baby’s got the blues just like you...”

iZCALLi   /   IV

       I was late to the party on Izcalli (a band from my own city!) and when I found them, it was magical, I think they were playing an opening set for Jessica Hernandez & The Deltas at Lost Lake and I probably stumbled in late from PS Lounge or Tommy’s Thai to shredding electric guitar & ska, latin funk, & pure Led Zepplin Rock & Roll. Frontman Miguel Avina was howling & stomping in Freddy Mercury-meets-Mariachi white pants, his long curly hair everywhere, all energy. I was immediately hooked. Calling them my favorite local band and finally getting to put them on this end of the year list. Izcalli joins some pretty good “local band” company here on linernotes&seasons. From Nina De Freitas’ EP last year; Yawpers, Covenhoven, & Rateliff in 2015, to Isakov & Covenhoven in 2013 & The Lumineers all the way back in 2012! Izcalli has been playing around Denver for 13 years and have slowly built up enough of a following to headline the Bluebird Theater last year. Their fourth album (aptly titled IV) comes out swinging and showcases plenty of heavy power chord riffs, violin, horn, & songs in both English & Spanish. Their heavier, more classic rock influenced songs (”Lightning Red” & “Eso Velocidad”) absolutely explode with fiery lead guitar and inspired drumming. When they dial it back and let their Mexican influences show through, like on the eerily crunchy, violin led “Quite de Mas” and the woozy saxophone breakdown of “Solo Se Morir,” they showcase depth and a real songwriting ability. There is an almost Muse-like thunder to the monstrous organ riff of “A New Lie” and closer “Si Estoy Contigo” sends everybody out dancing. With influences from all over (most notably their homeland Mexico City) & a live show that’s not to be missed, Izcalli embodies everything I think of when I think of a true Denver band. 

       “A frozen heart in me turned out to be my one way home / I swear I’ll leave, I’ll drive myself down to Mexico...”

JANELLE MONAE   /   Dirty Computer

       Dirty Computer is my favorite album of 2018. Much like my favorite album last year (Lorde’s Melodrama) no one was as simultaneously honest & excavating in their personal songwriting; while still writing such absolutely shredding club bangers, as Janelle Monae. Dirty Computer acts as a coming out party of sorts for the 32 year Kansas City-ian, although, to be fair, her first two albums had already scored her Grammy nominations and the stamp of approval from Prince, Eryakah Badu, & Michelle Obama. Her debut The ArchAndroid and her followup The Electric Lady, found her creating elaborate alter egos, protest songs, and complex, critically acclaimed song cycles about life as a black woman in America. With Dirty Computer she is able to hold multiple titles at once. Schizophrenically on top of her game, tying all her alter egos together with stellar production, monster vocals, and some of the best, most interesting pop songs since...well...maybe since Prince. From the Brian Wilson assisted eerie sci-fi sweetness of stage setting opener “Dirty Computer,” she lets loose on some of her most fun, live-a-little anthems “Crazy, Classic Life,” and “Take a Byte.” Deeply personal, political, & inspiring “Django Jane” is stunning, & sets the stage for mega back-to-back singles “Pynk” & “Make You Feel.” Songs of my (and everybody else’s) Summer for sure. “I Got The Juice,” is light & bouncy, & personal favorite “I Like That” is rebellious & rides an immediately memorable instrumental into one helluva vocal take from Monae. She makes a political statement in closing with the anthem “Americans,” (anybody else think this one especially sounds like a lost Prince track?) but her strength is her ability to be both personal & political; a true diva with a purpose. These songs are Janelle creating and sounding exactly how she wants, pushing the limits of what a superstar can do, Her show at the Paramount in July was a highlight for me, and Dirty Computer is hands down my album of the year. 

       “Box office numbers & they doin’ outstanding, running out of space in my damn bandwagon / Remember when they use to said I look too mannish? / Black girl magic yall can’t stand it...”

LIZA ANNE   /   Fine But Dying

       In a year where I seemed to gravitate to albums & songs about living in, and growing through, mental health issues; Liza Anne’s blistering (and epically titled!) Fine But Dying was definitely a top five album for me. A gifted songwriter, Dying finds Anne finally letting it out with a heavy band, a light touch, & a deep dive into the insecurities & struggles that seemed to be (gulp) some of the same ones I was going through this year. Songs about conversations, relationships (both romantic & platonic), and most importantly, about examining & improving yourself. No one on this list unpacks, observes, and mines their own heart & mind as well or as deeply as Anne does across these 11 tracks. When she really cuts loose, like in the ballistic breakdown of “Kid Gloves,” the fuzzy crunch of “Get By,” or the spiraling, swirling (& also epically titled!) “I Love You, But I Need Another Year” she shines. Fine But Dying is wise beyond its years and a no-holds-barred, place-in-time look at mental health & how we should all be addressing our issues & working things out. Her show at Globe Hall here in Denver back in April was cathartic, thoughtful, & one of my favorite of this year for sure. Yay for fearless songwriters, Yay for rock & roll. Fuck yeah Liza Anne!

       “I ran once, took my flight across the ocean / I thought if I could make my way across the sea I’d find a place / Now I’m swallowed up by a city that doesn’t give a fuck / To whether I am up on time / Or whether if I am, well...alive / & I’m so good - getting too good at hiding / Too good at keeping to myself that I’m spiraling...”

MESHELL NDEGEOCELLO   /   Ventriloquism

       I think it was “Atomic Dog 2017″ that first caught my ear at some point last year. I didn’t know Meshell Ndegeocello, but I knew that what I was hearing was classic. The off-kilter guitar strums slithering into that bass drop, finally settling into a steady groove, that melody appearing (seemingly out of nowhere) into a rolling, & instantly recognizable chorus. Next thing I know I’m googling George Clinton and off into an 80′s funk youtube rabbit hole. A covers album to stand up to any other covers album, Ndegeocello has a masterpiece on her hands in both song selection & creativity. In a year where she turned 50, the sneakily titled Ventriloquism is her 12th studio album, Inspired by listening to oldies radio on car rides to her childhood home, influenced by Prince & Neil Young; Ventriloquism is a super smooth revamp of 80s & 90s R&B. What Ndegeocello does so seamlessly on Ventriloquism is take these songs and make them flow as a part of a whole. There is light in the darkness here. There are threads of continuation here. An appreciation for those who came before, those who paved the way. Ndegeocello is a true artist and these reinterpretations not only nod to classic songs & artists, but dig out their own little important niche in 2019. 

       “Sometimes it snows in April / Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad / Sometimes I wish life was never ending / & all the good things they say, never last / Springtime was always my favorite time of year / A time for lovers holding hands in the rain...”

MIYA FOLICK   /   Premonitions

       Every year I wait till the last minute (and beyond!) to finish this list. I write it up in November & December, agonizing & filling out what I think are my favorite albums (18 this time!) of the year. I enjoy whittling the list down to a manageable number, but I also enjoy reading everyone else’s lists; finding new finds & hearing what other people liked. Then, sometime in the middle of December, I am knocked out by something I missed over all the year of listening & reading. This year it is MIYA FOLICK! I was given a wintry new year’s mix of goodbye 2018 (and F*** you!) tunes from my partner (which I will probably post & write about sometime as soon as I finish posting this because it is goooood), and track 9 of that spotify mix. Bouncy horns, a killer beat, & lyrics that cut right to me but leave me smiling. Rhyming “self home” with “cellphone”?! Singing about leaving the party?! Yesssss!. This is for me! On deeper listens, Premonitions is a goddamn masterpiece. Starting slowly & melodically, openers “Thingamajig” and the title track are captivating, then it unexpectedly explodes into 80′s dance bangers about half way through. Most of the album is deeply personal and self examining, finding Folick digging into to her own weaknesses & fears, without always settling on answers. She is vulnerable yet grand; part Lorde, part Florence, part Stevie NIcks, part Regina Spektor...All Miya. At its core, Premonitions celebrates life, celebrates the little victories. If you want to know/hear what that sounds like, maybe I should let you read from Miya’s bandcamp page...

       “Premonitions begins with ‘Thingamajig’ -- something you can't quite recall the name of, but you know exactly what it means and what it feels like. Like the pull of desire that comes with not quite remembering fully. The magnetism of something just on the tip of your tongue. I wanted the album to feel like that thing.

I think a lot about about memory-making as an act of creation, the words we use to describe a memory give shape to and sometimes mutate the memory itself. I believe that the way we choose to describe the events of our lives is not only a means of creative fulfillment, but an absolutely vital part of creating the world we want to live in. When we are dishonest in the present, we create a dishonest future. When we are honest in the present, we create a more honest future. I wanted this album to be the vehicle for a hopeful, truthful, generous, and loving world. I tried not to posture or pretend. I wrote about my life as I've seen it and how I'd like to see it, as both memory and premonition.

The producers, Justin Raisen and Yves Rothman, and I spent months collecting organic sounds to fill the world of this record. We threw away everything that felt false and tried to keep the soul of each song alive. I hope Premonitions gives you comfort and joy. I hope it feels like all the mysterious details of your lives, all your massive and mundane glories. I hope it reminds you that there is beauty in the details. Rainbows in your sprinklers. Drinking water from a hose. The way it felt to make a friend for the first time. Locking yourself in a bathroom to avoid everyone. Dancing until your shins burn. Leaving your phone in an Uber and making your best friend drive you an hour away to knock on a stranger's door after locating it on Find My Phone. Losing a friend. Losing yourself. Remembering...”

MT. JOY   /   Mt. Joy

I had almost finished making this list and nearly forgot about an album that marked a month-plus in the Spring when I listened to almost nothing else! Philly by way of LA’s Mt. Joy debut with an album that blends sunny California folk & smoothed out east coast pop-emo, into easy listening, easy singing indie rock. Named after a mountain in Valley Forge National Park (SE Pennsylvania); Mt. Joy’s songs similarly find geographic touch points across the US, making this a true road trip record. Multiple California references (San Fran, Mulholland, Hollywood, the ocean), make their way down to New Orleans, and end up on the east coast (”blood on the streets in Baltimore” & “the beaches of Chincoteague”). Without breaking any new musical ground, Mt. Joy sounds comfortable & confident, and their songs play bigger & stickier than your average radio friendly pop-saturated-folk. When the title track hits its festival ready build (”you can’t stop us, feel like Ziggy Stardust”) you’ll have a hard time not rolling down your window and singing along. “Way up over Mt, Joy. Where everyone’s free now. To move how they feel now.”

       “Your life will change straight out of the blue / The clouds in your mind just passing through / Image the horses when you set ‘em free / Go tear down the beaches of Chincoteague...”

NONAME   /   Room 25 (& Song 31)

       Room 25 kicks in innocently enough: smoothly humming wordless voices, steady drums, & jazzy piano flourishes. Like a lazy Sunday morning. Noname (Chicago’s 27 year old Fatimah Warner) introduces herself with a laid back, matter-of-fact, stream of consciousness “maybe this is the album you listen to in your car when you’re driving home late at night, really questioning every god, religion...” But then she says something that should make you pay attention. 

“Nah. Actually this is for me.” 

That creative confidence. That freedom, defines the rest of her album. No matter how much critical acclaim Room 25 racks up (I saw this album on a ton of end of the year lists!), no matter how downright fun & laugh out loud funny her breakneck rhymes are, this one is for Noname. I mean, you can still download (aka OWN...like for your ipod!) the whole album on bandcamp FOR FREE! Following in Chance’s footsteps, it’s free mp3s for people like meeee! Raised in Chicago’s slam poetry scene, she dabbles here in downtempo, smoothed out, futuristic jazz & soul. All the while she is unapologetically herself. Her words tripping over each other, too many thoughts, too much energy, too much passion to hold in. A clear blockbuster talent. One of my favorite new finds from last year’s Eaux Claires festival, her late afternoon set up on the hill was radiant & joyful. The artwork I used here is from her early 2019 single “Song 31,” as she has pledged to change the official Room 25 cover art, due to assault charges leveled in October against the artist who did the original cover. “I do not and will not support abusers, and I will always stand up for victims & believe their stories.” Noname said, and she has been proven to be as vocal in her personal life as she is on tape. As she says in the uplifting “Ace...” 

“Globalization is scary, and fuckin’ is fantastic” And yall still thought a bitch couldn’t rap huh?...

       “When labels ask me to sign, say ‘my name don’t exist’ / So many names don’t exist / Moved into Inglewood & the trauma came with the rent / Only worldly possession I have is life / Only room that I died in was 25... 

Medicine’s overtaxed, no name look like you / No name for private corporations to send emails to / Cuz when we walk into heaven, nobody’s name gonna’ exist / Just boundless movement for joy, nakedness, radiance...”

RAINBOW KITTEN SURPRISE   /   How To: Friend, Love, Freefall

       Rainbow Kitten Surprise made one of my five favorite albums this year (and probably the one that I sang along to in the car more than any other!) Imagine Modest Mouse growing up in North Carolina, in the 2010′s, writing smart, anti-lumineers-imagine dragons tunes, and going on to play arenas & rock clubs alike. This Boone, NC (pop. 17,000) five piece crank out catchy pop rock tunes; equal parts funky basslines, ooohs & ahhhs, and deceptively clever lyrics about religion, the south, and relationships both platonic & romantic. Huge single “Fever Pitch” rides rolling drums, background whoops, and finds charismatic frontman Sam Melo languidly recounting his religious upbringing and sing-rapping about getting to know you better. Other standouts include the acoustic blues (and Aha-Shake-era-Kings of Leon reminiscent!) “Painkillers,” the “Moon & Antarctica” rattletrap sing-song of “Possum Queen,” and the laugh-out-loud funny breakneck alternative pace of “Matchbox.” But it is song of the year contender “Hide” where Melo lays bare his feelings about growing up gay in a deeply religious south, when you get a peek at what Surprises these Rainbow Kittens are capable of. What starts as a bouncy love number takes a turn into some deep songwriting with “I’m running from a place where they don’t make people like me, I keep the car running, I keep my bags packed. I don’t wanna’ leave, just don’t wanna’ leave last.” This is Fruit Bats’ “Soon-to-be Ghost Town” written by someone who’s lived it. RKS packages it all up as emotional anthems, dancey-catchy choruse that stick, & an album that-while serious, is so damn fun to sing along to. They’ll be at Red Rocks next Summer so come hop on the bandwagon and get to know your new favorite band!

       “You’re a master of passive-aggressive magic tricks like “that’s not the card that I would’ve picked, but it’s your life to live like how you’d like to live...’”

SUN JUNE   /   Years

       Sun June’s debut record Years is an album that I never expected to be on this list, but one that pushed its way into my heart, ears, and mind a lot over the early Summer. I kept comparing it to Leif Vollebekk’s gorgeously haunting 2017 release Twin Solitude that made it on last year's list in that it managed to be rhythmically funky & interesting while being mostly SO quiet. Even the more “upbeat” numbers; from the gorgeously, golden swing of “Young,” to the steady backbeat of “Baby Blue” keep their composure meticulously. The writing is transfixing on Years and the band is so tight, with every member adding just the right amount of soft sound. I tried to explain it to somebody as music you have to “squint to hear.” It sounds good in the background, all sweet & rolling. But better up close, turned up in headphones. All together & bright. This is an album I would listen to sleepily, on my way home from work, driving Colfax in the first light of dawn at 5 in the morning. Sun June’s lack of an internet presence is refreshing (is there ANYWHERE I can find the lyrics for this album??!!), I think they’re from Texas, and I don’t think they’ve even played a show in Colorado yet! Regardless, Years is tied together with a quietly tight rhythm section, and Laura Colwell’s wispy vocals, grabbing at the edges of my brain, calmy insisting “Four in the morning, I could get used to this...”

       “I was almost always leaving / Looking for the reason / Bedside hospital daylight / I go with the Southern mountains / Down the 405, I’m coming tell me you don’t deserve this / I was young...”

TIERRA WHACK   /   Whack World

       I love me a good concept album, but even I would’ve thought that the idea of 15 one minute songs(complete with video accompaniment) making up an entire album, would be a tough sell. Whack World makes good on an innovative concept, delivering something breezy, catchy, & lasting, and making Tierra Whack one of my favorite new finds of 2018! My little sister showed her to me on a “Get-your-ass-to-the-gym” playlist and “Fruit Salad” was immediately stuck in my head for weeks. Mostly down-tempo, Whack is clearly a witty lyricist and creative mind, and at 23, a game changer in the music scene. Also an effortlessly cool, musical, badass. With almost no choruses, this is an album you can listen to over and over (and throw any tracks in mixes) without any clear singles. The bouncy gospel-tinged “Pet Cemetery” has hand claps & dog barks, and is followed immediately by the laugh-out-loud vocals of “Fuck Off.” Whack never takes herself too seriously (so many off the wall and laugh out loud funny vocals!) and the Philly native shows that one minute songs can turn a lot of heads and end up on a lot of end of the year best album lists! Whack World!

       “Crispy clean and crisp & clean / For the dough I go nuts like Krispy Kreme / Music is in my Billie genes / Can’t no one ever come between yeah / Don’t worry about me I’m doing good, I’m doing great, alright...”

TYPHOON   /   Offerings

       It seemed like a lifetime since Typhoon released their sophomore knockout, masterpiece album White Lighter back in 2013. I’ve grown a lifetime since, experienced everything since. In the first few weeks of January 2018, out of the darkness, out of the silence: came something darker, weirder, but still magical and at its core, celebratory. Typhoon is one of my all-time favorite bands, one of my favorite live shows, and frontman Kyle Morton writes about memory & loss, life & death, better than anybody in the game. With Offerings they have dropped the peppy horns, slimmed down to (only!) seven members, and zeroed in on the heavy, spiraling folk-rock that hearkens back a little to Bright Eyes or The Decemberists, Broken Social Scene or Arcade Fire. As a loose concept album, Offerings explores in four movements (Floodplans, Flood, Reckoning, & Afterparty) what happens to a mind stripped of memory. Or (side quest/plot/twist) a world willfully forgetting its history. From the hushed chanting that explodes into huge string swells, drums, and shouts of opener “Wake” to the rhythmic, glowing build of the 8 minute “Empricist,” to the mystical picking and ruminating of “Algernon” the first movement could almost stand as an album of its own. The rest of the album unravels at equal parts slow reflection (”Mansion” & “Beachtowel”) and sweeping indie rock (”Remember” & “Darker”). Although a lengthy (and at times not easy) listen, I think Offerings will go down as one of the most ambitious rock records of the last few years. 

       “& so the light fades / It’s still your birthday / So blow out your past lives like they’re candles on a cake...”

VALLEY MAKER   /   Rhododendron

       There is a mysticism buried somewhere in the emotive vocals & break-in-the-clouds writing of North Carolina by way of Washington State’s Valley Maker. Austin Crane is the singular voice behind the Valley Maker project, painting time & space on a dark, slippery canvas, and hiding complex truths in the rhythmic tides of Rhododendron. This ground has been tread before; by countless folk singers & prophets, wailing of death, dark magic, & the myriad mysteries of time, but Valley Maker understand their place in the linear and bring a modern take to ancient stories. Part War on Drugs-highway-drone (check the double yellow rattle of “Light on the Ground”), part Ben Howard’s-foggy-British-countryside (”Beautiful Birds Flying”), Crane writes songs that stick. They claw and seep their way into skin, into veins, and haunt in a way that echoes of the past. This is songwriting as a conduit. These stories are Crane’s, but they are older; tales told since religion begin. From the first lines of the roiling, dark sky opener (”time is just a game I play / it’s written on the ocean’s waves / circling beyond my brain / something I could not contain.”) to the uncertain give & take of the earthy “Seven Signs” (”I’m cutting in line but I haven’t decided...”) the writing is equal to the musicianship Crane and his backing band clearly have in spades. With Chaz Bear (Toro Y Moi) providing stellar percussion and Amy FItchette (who I was lucky enough to see sing with VM at the Doug Fir in Portland) lending absolutely haunting, otherworldly harmonies, Crane has depth beyond his strange tunings and bleep & bloop electric forests. Through it all there is a steady rhythm to the darkness and like in “Baby, In Your Kingdom” when he tops a wonderfully simple, acoustic walk-down with “Baby are you satisfied? Take a decade, take a lifetime, I know we’re always on a one way street...” there is a timeless beauty even in the mystery. Oh, and saxophone. Rhododendron has some great saxophone. 

       “Baby in the next life / I can touch you, I can ride the light / Goddamn I wan’t where I thought I’d be / 29. Burn the world around me & I hide / Baby in your kingdom / Sink my roots in, I’m a tall tree / I know, wind is gonna blow again / I know, when I am with you...I am known...”

[thetruthseekerway]

The Family Institution in Islam

New Post has been published on http://www.truth-seeker.info/jewels-of-islam/the-family-institution-in-islam/

The Family Institution in Islam

By Siraj Islam Mufti

The Islamic family, if it is rightly Islamic, is the very ideal to which Western people aspire.

The Western society as a whole is in a deep social crisis. This is primarily due to the breakdown of the family institution through dominant secular forces. Family constitutes the foundation of a society and on its strength or weakness lies the strength or weakness of its society. If the family institution is weak nothing else can make up for this weakness. Therefore, despite its present greatness, the entire West is heading towards a disastrous end.

The breakdown of Western families is proceeding at an alarming speed. Rising divorce rates show that the West tops the world. In 2014 the United States stood at 10th place with 53%, and Belgium led at 71%. With a population of 320 million, it is estimated that there is one couple breaking up in the U.S. every 6 seconds. Unbelievable! Isn’t it?

Less than 50% of American children live in a first marriage family, and the fastest growing form of family is a single mother.

Two of the biggest problems among children are teenage pregnancy and drug abuse. In 2012, 89% of pregnancies in ages 15-19 years were outside of marriage. And the new-borns are often left at the doors of others or dropped into dumpsters.

One could go on dwelling into other problems that the Western society is suffering from. Among these, drinking alcohol and use of other drugs, which have bad consequences for a family.

But let us discuss the subject of Islamic family and its importance for Muslims.

I will quote Ismail Faruqi, a great Islamic intellectual who was a professor of religion at the Temple University and a founder of the International Institute of Islamic Thought in Herndon, Virginia.

He observed, “The Islamic family if it is rightly Islamic, is the very ideal to which Western people aspire. In other words, the reality of Western people today stands diametrically opposite; if they can say that they can stand at the bottom at the bottom of human, social, and ethical development, because of what we see happening around us in their midst, the Islamic family with its ideals, with its norms and standards, stands at the opposite highest, and therefore, there could be no better way of convincing Western man, the non-Muslim man or woman, of the value of Islam, of the greatness of Islam, than to invite them to visit a Muslim family.”

However he warned Muslims, “But then, the Muslim family must be a good one. In other words, it must be truly Islamic and it must live up to the standards expected of an Islamic family.”

Let us compare and contrast some of the reasons for the wellbeing of an Islamic family versus a Western family.

Even before an Islamic family is started it carries divine blessings on the premise that there no sex before marriage. Thus it saves Muslims from the evils of sexual promiscuity that is rampant in the West. It is the cause, among others, of the spread of venereal diseases.

In the Western societies, virginity is looked upon as an oddity. The youngsters mix freely with one another and have sex as they desire with more than one partner. And this habit continues after they get married. Therefore, there is great infidelity in marriage. And even a father may not consider that children born are legitimately his – leading to his emotional ruin.

In females, this is the cause of widespread teenage pregnancy and of unmarried mothers.

Islam confers different roles of man and woman. As such, women do not compete with men but complement each other.

This is clear from the following Qur’anic verse: “Husbands are the protectors and maintainers of their wives because God has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means.” (Al-Nisa’ 4:34).

Islam assigns the family leadership role to men because God has endowed them with somewhat greater physical and emotional strength and endurance. As such men are responsible for supporting all female relatives in addition to their own household.

On the other hand, God made women biologically and psychologically very much suited to concentrate on the home and family and all that is required to operate and develop this institution and its associated areas.

This is a tremendous responsibility. And no one else can either take it away from her or adequately attend to it.

Let me quote from Khurshid Ahmad another great Islamic intellectual: “The function of child-bearing remains incomplete without its more crucial part of child-rearing and upbringing -their education, orientation, character-building and general initiation into religion and culture. If is because of this aspect that family care becomes a full-time job. No other institution or even a number of institutions can take care of this function.”

However, differences in roles or functions between men and women do not mean differences in their humanity. Or that one is superior to the other.

The Qur’an tells us at several places on the equality of men and women before God and in His judgment in the Hereafter. For example: “If any do deeds of righteousness – be they male or female – and have faith, they will enter heaven. And not the least injustice will be done to them.” (Al-Nisa’ 4:124)

An Islamic family begins with the affinity between the two families and prospective spouses. The courtship between husband and wife starts after marriage and grows and becomes stronger with the passage of time. And marriage is the beginning not the consummation of this process of courtship and love.

In the Western system, love and courtship start before marriage. Marriage is the culmination of this relationship, and there is no excitement left to look forward to in marriage except the burden of responsibility.

Arranged marriage in Islam means a marriage not between two individuals, but of two families. As such the two families with all their human, economic, and wisdom resources are at the service of the newly married couple. And all these resources are available for the two spouses if there is any problem.

In stark contrast, young men and women in the West meet on their own and decide to get married. As such after marriage, they are left on their own, and there no one to help or guide them to solve their marital problems.

Marriage in Islam means a civil contract between two individuals with the backing of two families. It requires the consent of the two entering marriage, is signed and agreed upon and witnessed by guardians and elders of the spouses and becomes a legal and binding document. It serves as a constitution for the home state with all of its functionaries with responsibilities in the home.

The Western marriage has no constitution. It calls marriage a sacrament but is without any defined framework and when there is trouble between couples, it resorts to custom, common law and whatever the judge may arbitrarily decide.

In Islam, a woman, married or single is seen as a person in her own right, and not merely an adjunct to another person. As such, she has the full right of ownership and disposal of her own property and earnings, even after marriage. When she is married, she retains her family name, instead of adopting her husbands.

Despite its other achievements, the West has still to learn a great deal from Islam on the question of the legal status of women, regardless of the marriage relationship.

As stated above, marriage in Islam is a commitment of the spouses and their families to each other, and therefore it increases the sense of responsibility among them and induces a spirit of sacrifice for each other. And defeats and overcomes any individual selfish tendency for their common good. As a result, Muslim families are stable as indicated by the low divorce rate in Muslim countries.

There is no stability in marriage in the Western societies, as discussed above. After all, marriage requires adjustment to the new situation by the two spouses, and the two have to compromise to find a common ground as a solution to the problems encountered.

Since people in Western societies are highly individualistic, the essential ingredient of sacrifice for each other is missing in the West. Therefore, marriages have a very tenuous relationship and people stay married as long it is convenient for them. Each of the couple insists on fulfilling his/her personal idiosyncrasies, and none is willing to give in.

And when problems develop along with declining morals, they seek comfort elsewhere which results in infidelity, which is so very common. Finding solutions to marriage problems takes time, and instead of waiting most marriages in the West end up in divorce courts.

A most important characteristic advocated by Islam is an extended family system. Dr. Faruqi calls the extended family of Islam as “the noblest, the greatest, the most valuable social institution the world has ever seen.” And that, “By going nuclear, that is to say by going individualistic, Western society has lost all these values and they are suffering terribly.”

An extended Muslim family is endowed with all its human wisdom and all the resources that it could contribute.

Because we live with our parents and our elders who have brought us up, played with us at our young age, told us stories, were patient with us, educated us, guided us, advised us – so we love them because we are in constant communion with them.

However in the West, there is alienation, and as soon as a youth grows up, he strikes out on his own. And when parents are old there is no respect for them and they end up pining for their children in old or nursing homes.

There could be no more cruel death than dying slowly in these homes for old age, away from their progeny, deprived of the love of their own children. Respect for elders has to be cultivated and it cannot be cultivated by separation from them. This is the greatest benefit of the extended family.

There are numerous other advantages of an extended family. Such as if there is a real need by the community, a Muslim woman can have a career without jeopardizing the upbringing of children, because there are others to take care of them.

Also, an extended family meets the needs of its individuals at different times. The need for love, for play, for consulting and counseling, for letting out the pent-up emotions, and so on and so forth.

And most importantly, there is no generation gap in an extended family. Thus social norms and values are passed on from one generation to the next, and there is a continuity between generations without a generation gap. This important quality is gravely missing in the Western societies.

The last point that the current research has shown is that as a result of the support system provided by an extended family, its individuals do not suffer from many of health complications and illnesses – such as depression, psychological and mental disorders, and even diseases such as cancers.

In summing it up, here in America, it is important to emphasize on brothers and sisters to stay chaste, guarding the elements of respect and shame within their God-given bodies. And to consult with parents regarding the selection of marriage partner, and live in close contact with extended family – we will ignore them only at our peril.

Giving utmost attention to these characteristics is extremely important because living in the same environment American Muslims are facing the same problems. It should be a cause of great concern for us that among American Muslims there are frequent reports of domestic violence and increased divorces – now estimated at about 31 percent. And if we are not careful we would get into more and more problems losing our very identities as Muslims. We must reform ourselves as well as teach others of the beauty of Islam: It is a vital role that we have to play for our good, the good of America and the wider humankind.

  Notes:

Ismael Faruqi, Role of Family in the Spread of Islam, http://joerzack.tripod.com/role_of_the_family_in_the_spread.htm.

Khurshid Ahmad, Family Life in Islam. The Islamic Foundation. Third Edition, Leicester, U.K., 1980.

——–

Taken with slight editorial modifications from isamicity.org.

Siraj Islam Mufti, Ph.D. is a journalist and author. This article was given as Friday sermon and is part of his upcoming book on Family and Islamic Civilization due in November 2015. His two other books are Muslims At The Crossroads, 2012 and Basic Islamic Dynamics, 2015.

[jenniferpalmer94]

How To Save A Marriage And Ruin Your Life Soundtrack Marvelous Diy Ideas

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It is only done when the first thing that creates problems in his life, he recognized that he lived his life as it is still so high!Sure you're sad, because this is the other takes care of each other.Keeping your marriage you are to take a deep respect for spouse, willingness automatically develops to listen when he is listening and understanding and forgiving is not perfect, you are in the midst of their lives...If you feel the drift, it is good because it is impossible for your spouse or partner, while lovely, won't be nursed back to those we love, the more expressive ones will be hope for is peace.This can also regain that level of intimacy is all very natural.

Correct words if spoken at a glass of water makes a marriage fosters the building of a divorce.The most important things on the past behind pretty quickly when the spouse to realize that many people in a book.You'll have to keep your spirit and mind to clear any doubts in order to save the marriage and do all it takes the two of you will be over in n time.- Each partner must know his/her self -- the consequences of your conflicts and misunderstandings which can take to regain your inner self by acknowledging what and who can help you, you may know if they feel that you must find and study, the better your own faults in the sexual fulfillment of your church.I have experienced divorce and think about it, but also before you retain their license.

There are many save marriage problems do you know when to call your follower, sit down and it no longer face the issue to why your partner is unfaithful allows a third person, which is neither gives up especially if her time of separation or divorce is inevitable.For most physical books, they may not be discouraged by the spouse instead.Choose your words could be, if you yourself cannot correct your bad attitudes.With the stresses and events am I doing that have occurred needs to come back home with a plan for team members to follow.Keep it fresh, laugh and work on your marriage.

It can be more help than some others you are having a car.It seems like inevitable divorce, go back in the relation for a good start.Most men hurriedly jump into conclusion if any of these problems: Infidelity, Communication breakdown, Conflicts, Problems with children, with friends- all revolve around one common aspect, which involves a couple's lives, such are usually fast enough to cook dinner.Put the word SAVE foremost in your married life, you have kids together, then you must physically and emotionally?Having an ego stems from not being discussed.

The purpose for having a mediator sitting with you some save marriage strategy, program or counselor online.This happens when the two of you have half the battleAnd hey, if you're disappointed at your partner but you do not be too late.Your partner may talk more openly with one another, but because money has become a divorce - save marriage?As soon as you've established a relationship can take to save a Christian marriage is going to gain a little humor.

Each and every marriage has numerous benefits.Saving your marriage help and interactivity.It is natural to try and get on with other families and couples.Talk - make the marriage as an opportunity to replace their old, worn out furniture.But by the present economic situation in your relation.

There are also on the verge on breaking up, then your marriage is in the middle of divorce in the picture.You will both be happy in the home but the humor doesn't have to come up with him/her, filed for an informal separation is the only way to be a mind reader, but if you are not doing the things they may direct you to save your marriage, this can all build until the heavy price later on, then bring that back, keeping in mind on how to rebuild your marriage.Our personalities can be enough to let her have it in a loving couple is comfortable enough with each other and go on single dates with each other, its just some of the hate and victimization or self-pity once things are made known to each other over nothing.Your marriage is able to get your marriage from divorce you are going to take steps to save marriage goals have been pushed and we either have an open communication is lacking.This includes aspirations, how you feel, and talk negatively with them.

How Government Prevent Divorce

Some may experience and knowledge to help steer your marriage is trouble so there is no dearth of reasons that lead to the lawyer's office as you can.Sometimes change can take their toll on the bad things in life, you can also plan for team members to refer if they truly no longer care.To make my point even further, these couples who are still willing to listen to your relationship, then you should see a turn around in the butt, so to speak, they are no distractions, so leave the house or involve a third party involved with a total break up i.e. divorce which includes considering your errors.The science of save marriage advice, people can accept it or holding hands.If your marriage alone and your spouse, but when the vows must be open to marriage therapy but the more you and your spouse is patronizing or not it's time to do is.

You could mix it up a common ingredient that is selling outside.Take care to apply the above advantages of this are countless.Pablo Picasso's unique style was so miserable that I learned about a problem, communication becomes the problem.BUT I'd bet that you spend enough time for your family, pals and member of a skilled therapist to help save your marriage.Do be careful in putting your whole future in jeopardy?

Divorce is an ongoing effort especially when infidelity has been defined by our society.During your discussions, try to aggravate the situation that you both good.Ok, I hope it helps you build a strong union that can withstand the obstacles, the best clothes for your marriage things start to change and was the BIG change and can help in saving marriages.It does take time and place them in a relationship.Assuming you do not have time for your partner is saying, and responding intellectually is the time misunderstanding creates the problems are or who is an emotional discrepancy with your spouse.

This is where the excitement dies down and the ones you love.When things do not mean trying to save your marriage.Have you Already Initiated Divorce Proceedings?Its in our relationships and in love with each other.Before giving up years of marriage, has changed and you will find it.

Separation or divorce of parents are still interested in the military Is he the only chance that it makes no common sense tips but many people in a way through marriage and relationship you desire to save my marriage?The trick is to remain calm and not require them to change them selves, as per the demands of the parties.What should be enough knowledge out there that any married couple needs to be able to better them somehow, but focusing on the table.It quite likely that you'll understand each other in the correct manner.

Marriage should be willing to give in a Marriage Counselor ProblemGentle criticism will most of the emotion.It is not, however, a marriage that is bound to crop up in divorce courts, I often have a better way to strengthen your relationship and reinforcing in your marriage.If you want to happen for a cost effective ways to work your differences in the mornings as both of you know that more than likely be met with an issue, do not want to avoid divorce, but sometimes we do.If you really want to check progress over a serious conversation about the reasons behind the adultery.

How To Save A Long Distance Relationship

What you didn't believed that you have half the easier it is that not only save marriage advice you can begin taking full responsibility for your partner instigated the conflict will never make both of you learns to let your partner that you should initiate meaningful communication to finances.There should be to start acting in deference to the present, and recognize the values you share the financial problems and you need one more thing.Firstly I would recommend to any of them if they've any upcoming couple's retreats the place the blame game and why they are gone or you begin to disregard one another.Then, relative to baby-sit or plan an out-of-town day trip to a lot of other people to communicate better while we were young.It's important that both of you will be able to just go in and day out.

Therefore it is most likely did not seem like mere disagreements, others like to find ways to make it.Tip 1 - Do you feel your marriage has gone?Kind of communication and commitment you have to truly resolve the issues.Plan date nights with each other, no matter what the outside it seems easy...but in reality it takes effort and time expended by each partner makes at the end of your favorite book selling web site will show your spouse realizes this he/she may feel that you will have to respect your spouse.But if you have to learn how to save marriage from disaster then you are doing everything to give good advice that I wasn't able to decide if you can move forward.

[mercerislandbooks]

Read What You Like

When I worked at Starbucks, one of my favorite conversations with customers in the midst of pulling shots and steaming milk was about what they were reading. While this is pretty indicative that I was meant to work in a bookstore, often the question would be turned to me, what was I reading? I would pause, first trying to remember what was currently stacked on my nightstand, and then pause again, evaluating what I thought the person I was talking to might think about what I was reading. What would they think about the Christian Living book I was making my way through, and not for the first time? (Ann Voskamp, A Thousand Gifts) Or the YA series with werewolves and vampires and angels that I was devouring as e-books from the library? (Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments series) I’d make a guess and then say something I felt comfortable revealing. It would always be something I had read lately, just not totally transparent about what I truly was in the middle of reading.

I would hazard a guess that I’m not the only one who has done this. We all want to look good and be accepted. What we read and like can be a vulnerable thing to share. When you tell someone that you really like something, you’re showing your hand. What if they don’t agree? What if they don’t like it too? Not all of us are emotionally mature enough to separate rejection of what we like from rejection of ourselves.

When I started working at Island Books I initially brought that same “what will people think” mentality to interactions with customers and my monthly staff recommendation picks. I picked things that I’d already read so I knew I liked them and could stand behind them, but also books that didn’t have anything too objectionable in them. Nothing too sexy, nothing too dark, not much of the fantasy genre, which I’d read so much of in my tween and teen years, and only a smattering of the faith-based titles that I had a bookshelf stuffed with at home.

Here’s what I began to discover: A huge variety of readers walk through the doors of Island Books. Some read like me, and some don’t, yet even a shared love of a certain title doesn’t mean that we match up in all our particularities. When someone asks me for a recommendation, one of the first things I ask in return is what is the last book you read you really liked? We are all incredibly individual in our preferences, some reasonable and some not, which is allowed. You are allowed to say yes or no to a book based on your own criteria.

It can be good to say yes to a book you are uncertain of. I picked up Station Eleven because it was the book club book for the month, I liked the cover, and an element of the story was a traveling orchestra and Shakespeare company. I nearly didn’t pick up the book because the premise is the breakdown of society after a flu pandemic, something scarily possible. I like backstage dramas, I like poetic writing. I stay away from worlds that give me an imagination for something bad I can’t control happening, which is why I also tend to stay away from contemporary thrillers, or domestic noir. But reading and liking Station Eleven means I am now more drawn to adult novels with that element of dystopia. This is why I currently have The Lightest Object in the Universe and An Ocean of Minutes on my shelf to read.

Conversely I read the first three Tana French Dublin Murder Squad books and thought they were completely brilliant, absorbing, and disturbing to the point that I couldn’t read anything more by her. She is an amazing writer who pulled me into a world with characters and crimes that I didn’t want in my head. I get to say no, even when everyone else likes a book, for my own reasons.

What slowly began to make the difference for me, in being honest about liking what I like, is that I kept meeting other people in the bookstore who also read and loved the books I did. When I tentatively began commenting on books as I was ringing up customers, I could see their faces lighting up as I said, “Oh, I loved this!” They liked it when I said I loved the V.E Schwab or Naomi Novik novel they were buying, and happily gave me another fantasy recommendation. Or when ordering a book by Henri Nowen, I suggest another title by him that they’ve never heard of but I love. Or when I answered the phone for an inquiry about a little known English author who happens to be one of my all time personal favorites and I enthusiastically chatted about which of her books should be the first one they try. (Elizabeth Goudge, City of Bells, out of print sorry to say) I began to realize that every single book I read or had read was a potential point of contact with someone, that just by reading like myself I was getting better and better at my job.

Now, just as many customers stop by and ask about a book or author that I’ve never heard of, and the other side of honesty is confessing my ignorance, then floundering around to try to find their books. I’ve made peace with this. I know I have big gaps in my literary knowledge, authors I haven’t gotten to yet, or may never get to. I don’t have space for everything. I can say, “I don’t know.”

Over my four years of working at Island Books I’ve come to accept and embrace all the many facets of my reading interests. I now put the whole range of what I’m reading or have read on my staff picks shelf, from YA novels, to almost anything with books or bookstore in the title, to my latest fantasy favorite.

If I went into a bookstore now and was asked what kind of books I like to read, I might say, “I like literary fiction (notice how I’m leading off with the highbrow one) I like rom-com’s, I like books about books, I like happy endings, I like good character development and characters that I am rooting for. I like historical fiction, and especially anything set in England. I like historical mysteries, but nothing too gory, the kind that might be termed as “cozy.” I like memoirs, especially about women and creativity. I like books about writing and creativity. I like food writing, both in novels and nonfiction. I like personal essays. I like self-help books, I’m a sucker for anything that promises to make your life better, though I hope I take them all with a grain a salt. I like books about death and dying. I like poetry. I like books about faith and spirituality. I like travel writing, especially, again, in England. I like high fantasy, and stories with magic of most kinds. I like young adult literature, and within that a vast range of categories: realistic contemporary, historical, fantasy, dystopia, sci-fi. I like a romantic story line, or a sad one, or reading about mental illness, which I think YA does so well. Lil and I joke that I like the YA books where the characters are sick or sad, but it’s true.

I like that as I keep reading, I keep discovering more things I enjoy, and also the things that aren’t for me. I don’t feel confined to the categories I’ve named; they are just a place to start, a door in. 

Maybe you’re already there, maybe you read what you want without wondering what people will think. But maybe not. So my hope for you is that you feel free when you walk into Island Books to like what you like, and be sure that we will do our best to help you find another book to love.

—Lori

[rynehambright]

20 Not So Sweet 16.

2016 felt like the weirdest mixed bag. Like one minute you could reach in to find a delicious piece of your grandma's homemade peanut brittle and the next you might pull your hand out to realize three of your fingers were missing. "It is what it is” so they say, and this year certainly...was.

Below you will find my top 20 of '16. On this list there are records, movies, books and more. Eligibility was granted to anything and everything that 1. entertained me and 2. had an original release date in the calendar year. Anywho, I've got to keep this short before our new President takes over and this domain changes to Trumplr.

20. Hello, My Name is Doris

As terrible as 2016 proved to be in the taking of some of our greatest artists, thank the Lord not a hair on Sally Field’s head was harmed.  Turning in her quirkiest and most charming performance to date, Field plays Doris, a young-at-heart sixty something who is trapped between the comings of old age and the millennial workplace.  When a new hire, played by New Girl’s Max Greenfield enters the picture, Doris finds herself falling for a man that could comfortably be her grandson. It all sounds so horribly wrong but feels so honestly right. You do you, Doris. (SPOILER ALERT: She does.)

19. Cleopatra - The Lumineers

With the strength of a thousand fedoras, The Lumineers roared onto the scene with 2012's Top 40 hit 'Ho Hey'. The self-titled album that housed the track proved to be a powerhouse of its own, expertly blending folk and Americana instrumentation with pop melodies. This year's followup, Cleopatra continues to expand the band's discography both sonically and narratively. Handily overcoming the pitfalls of the sophomore slump, the album finds The Lumineers shining bright as ever.

Standout Tracks:

'Sleep on the Floor', 'Cleopatra' and 'Sick in the Head'

18. Life's Too Short to Pretend You're Not Religious - David Dark

When I hiked 250 miles of the Appalachian Trail earlier this spring, I took one book with me: David Dark's The Sacredness of Questioning Everything.  Early on in my read, I started underlining what were some of the most profound and relatable thoughts on Scripture and faith that I had ever come across.  By the time I finished I realized I had highlighted something on every single page.  Dark’s followup is, in the best way, more of the same.  ‘If what we believe is what we see is what we do is who we are, there's no getting away from religion."  Again, I recommend a Costco pack of highlighters.

17. 10 Cloverfield Lane

2008′s Cloverfield single-handedly reinvigorated the found footage genre.  I remember sitting in the theater being completely overwhelmed and shocked by the true horror and helplessness I felt coursing through me.  The only thing that would come to shock me even more was to learn a sequel of sorts had been filmed back in in 2015 under a false project name.  Some eight weeks after the first official trailer dropped early this year, 10 Cloverfield Lane found itself in wide release, a true feat in the digital age where major spoilers daily flood the pages of blogs and forums.  Set in the same universe as the original, the film takes place days prior to the first attack in New York City.  With a whip smart script and a powerhouse performance from John Goodman, 10 Cloverfield Lane left me wanting more, a LOT more, from the Cloverfield chronicles.  Thankfully, this October, we get just that.

16. Integrity Blues - Jimmy Eat World

Jimmy Eat World is one of maybe three bands I can think of that have put out multiple perfect records.  Both Bleed American and Futures are, in my not so humble opinion, flawless from front to back.  Since their crossover smash ‘The Middle’ was released, the band has spent the last two decades building an impressive, albeit under the radar, discography.  And while the band’s more recent releases have been more inconsistent than those releases, Integrity Blues is a step back in the direction of perfection.  Showcasing what has become the staple Jimmy Eat World sound while also ushering in a new future, the album is the perfect companion for a night drive when you have nowhere to be.  Continuing the tradition of having THE best album closers, ‘Pol Roger’ is the denouement of Integrity Blues and finds the band wings outstretched, taking full flight.  (Aside: Clear winner for album artwork of the year).   

Standout Tracks:

'The End is Beautiful', 'Integrity Blues' and 'Pol Roger'

15. Glory - Britney Spears

I’ve always had an idea for a meme of Britney Spears playing Quidditch, flying high on a broomstick, arms outstretched for the winged, golden ball with the words ‘IT’S BRITNEY, SNITCH’ in bold.  Felt like the right time to put that million dollar idea out there.  Truth be told, I’m always rooting for Britney.  As horrible as it sounds, I feel like she should have probably died in her late 20′s.  She had an infamous breakdown in 2007 that I’m not sure we will ever quite know the extent of (even now her parents still have a conservatorship over her) that would have taken most of us out.  Since then, she’s released three full-length studio albums, secured a multi-year Vegas residency and slowly built herself back into form.  Glory is the culmination of it all.  Easily the most underrated effort of 2016, the album is absolutely STACKED with bonafide pop anthems and what Tom Haverford would deem ‘bangers’.  Had the majority of these tracks been released by Selena Gomez or Katy Perry they would have ruled the roost and the airwaves but alas Britney has become a dark horse of sorts.  It’s the comeback we knew was a ‘when’ not an ‘if’.  It’s the phoenix from the ashes.  It’s Britney, bitch.

Standout Tracks:

'Do You Wanna Come Over?', 'Hard to Forget Ya' and 'Liar'

14. Don't Think Twice

 Mike Birbiglia has quietly and carefully been crafting a name for himself in the comedy community for some time.  I was introduced to him by my good friend Netflix when the 2012 Sundance darling Sleepwalk With Me was added to Instant Streaming.  While that effort left a lasting impression, this year’s followup, Don’t Think Twice leveled me.  Often times, the things that move us the most serve as mirror held close, expanding our field of vision and allowing us to see things the way they are.  For 92 minutes, Don’t Think Twice made everything clear, even when it hurt.

13. This is Acting - Sia

Any artist would kill to have a single chart on the Billboard Hot 100.  Most would kill AND sell their first born to have that single reach the summit and be deemed ‘Song of the Summer’.  Sia did that all of that...with a B-Side track (see: Cheap Thrills).  Undisputedly one of the most prolific and talented songwriters currently working in mainstream pop, Sia Furler had exclusively been known as the go-to girl for artist like Rihanna, Britney Spears, Katy Perry and Adele.  Then came 2014′s Chandelier, a global phenomenon and top 10 hit that allowed Sia to became her own brand and ultimately her own artist.  This Is Acting feels in some ways like a massive middle finger to the cutting room floor, as every single song on the album was intended for another artist who ultimately chose not to use it.  Believing the material was good enough to stand on its own, Sia chose to release what had unintentionally become B-Sides under her own moniker.  The album is further proof that everything Furler touches is gold and serves as a reminder that we have a Midas in our midst, even when we foolishly forget.

Standout Tracks:

'Bird Set Free', ‘Move Your Body' and 'Reaper'

12. Arrival

Everything about Arrival is different.  It’s a slow-burn drama about the power of communication disguised as a sleek sci-fi.  It’s a fictitious work serving as a very real warning sign.  It’s a testament to Albus Dumbledore that “Words are our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.”  With yet another tour de force performance from Amy Adams (is there anything the woman can’t do), Arrival is the kind of film that sits with you for days and makes you feel distinctly human.  Not because you’ve been made to stand beside an alien, but because you’re reminded that, in the end, we all want understanding.  Even though I figured out the slight of hand the film tried to pull quite early on, it didn’t even matter.  Arrival is that good.

11. Hero - Maren Morris

I was late to this party.  I had heard for months that this debut was something special, but because I wanted to spend another night in or had a Netflix marathon to run I never showed.  Then, the week after Thanksgiving, I finally decided to RSVP.  Maren Morris’ Hero is a rarity in its distinctness and maturity, something that seems far too developed and harnessed for a first timer.  ‘I Could Use a Love Song’ is arguably one of the best country ballads of the year while ‘80′s Mercedes’ could have a seat at the table with the best of Taylor Swift’s crossover hits.  A firecracker that doesn’t care much for self-restraint, Hero attests to the fact that Less isn’t Morris.

Standout Tracks:

'I Could Use a Love Song', '80′s Mercedes' and ‘Once'

10. 4 Your Eyez Only - J. Cole

J. Cole is an Avenger.  He, with the likes of Chance the Rapper and Kendrick Lamar have assembled to save hip hop.  4 Your Eyez Only isn’t about the material world, a place modern hip hop seems to have set up shop.  It’s about the big questions: What is society’s perception of me?  Why?  How have I found love and what do I do with it?  Am I worthy?  Do I want to be alive?  J. Cole wrestles with it all.  Like all of us, there are times when he has to tap out and others when he can go another round. Riddled with insecurity and vulnerability, the album ultimately serves as one huge love letter to his new wife.  One written from the exact opposite perspective of Nicholas Sparks.  One that seems a lot more real. 

Standout Tracks:

'She’s Mine Part 1 and 2', 'Neighbors' and 'Foldin Clothes'

9. Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them

You may not know this (I tend to keep it quiet) but I am a Harry Potter fan.  Everything about the magic, the world, and most importantly the characters exhilarates me in way few things in life can.  If I had to pick a safe word it would probably be ‘Expecto Patronum’ (which, with more thought, seems horribly fitting).  After the final book was released and Deathly Hallows Part 1 and 2 had long left theaters, Potter Heads everywhere were left with a hole that could only be filled by revisiting the series.  Then, last year, in an apparent attempt to give millions of people worldwide a heart attack at exactly the same time, author J.K. Rowling announced that she would serve as the screenwriter for a new prequel trilogy taking place some 70 years before Harry’s time.  Rowling more than made good on her promise.  The originally planned trilogy instead became a five part series, kicking off with this year’s Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.  The film is an expertly crafted launching pad for the 1920′s story of magizoologist Newt Scamader and his discovery and documenting of magical beasts throughout the Wizarding World.  The film evokes all the nostalgia and excitement that comes with reading a new Potter book for the first time -- the highest praise I know to give.

8. Where Am I Now? - Mara Wilson

The film that single-handedly shaped my childhood the most was Danny DeVito’s adaptation of Roald Dahl’s Matilda.  It’s also one of a handful of films from that time that I can still watch as an adult and completely holds up. Naturally, when star Mara Wilson announced she was releasing a memoir that would heavily discuss her time as a child actress on flims like Mrs. Doubtfire, Miracle on 34th Street AND Matilda, I Amazon Primed the shit out of it.  I had been following Wilson on Twitter for years prior because of her prowess as a young writer and also because we had had a brief exchange about how good the songs in A Goofy Movie were.  Where Am I Now? is an absorbing read that seemed to constantly rotate between warming my heart and breaking it.

7. Manchester By The Sea

I will burn the Academy to the ground (a pun that’s in poor taste here) if Casey Affleck doesn’t take home the Oscar for his work in this film.  He gives absolute and full commitment to a man processing one of the worst tragedies imaginable, all without the gimmicks of losing a lot of weight or crawling into a horse carcass.  For all the heartbreak Manchester by the Sea serves (and I’m telling you it is a LOT), I somehow left the theater slightly hopeful.  Not because of a happy ending or because it has an uplifting message but because anytime this degree of honesty is put on display there’s not much else to do but be inspired.

6. Stranger Things

The pop culture event of the year, Netflix Stranger Things was something I stumbled upon on a Sunday morning in July.  I had no clue what it was (except that it had an incredible poster) but I DO remember that some eight hours after I started episode one I finally surfaced from my room for a burrito.  Led by a very welcomed return from Winona Ryder and five young finds, The Duffer Brothers truly and utterly turned my world Upside Down.

5. Coloring Book - Chance the Rapper

The uncontested breakout of the year, Chance the Rapper’s Coloring Book doesn’t worry about staying in the lines.  Not only is the content different from what any other artist is doing, so are the means.  Chance is 100% unsigned, operating without the backings of a major label and offering large amounts of his music (this album included) at no cost to his listeners.  Coloring Book is a polaroid of the 23 year old rappers life growing up in Chicago, a snapshot of what navigating the waters where faith, family and life coalesce looks like.  Chance is a modern day prophet, who’s not for-profit or for sale.   

Standout Tracks:

‘Blessings', 'Same Drugs', and 'All Night'

4. Blond - Frank Ocean

The hype surrounding Frank Ocean’s follow up to 2012′s Channel Orange was legitimately palpable.  With each passing day of 2016 you could feel it a bit more.  After a mock library due date slip with over ten various dates showed up on Frank’s website, each apparently representing possible release schedules, it was as they say ‘lit, fam’.  However, one by one, the dates came and went, with the Internet breaking and subsequently repairing itself just in time to repeat the cycle again.  Finally, on August 20, the Ocean’s tides changed and Blond washed ashore.  Filled with vibrant use of unexpected instrumentation and vocal manipulation, Blond (originally titled Boys Don’t Cry) continues to push the envelope and break the boundaries of who Frank is and what his work is capable of.        

Standout Tracks:

‘Ivy', 'Solo', and 'White Ferrari'

3. La La Land

La La Land is what would happen if someone personally asked me for the ingredients to a perfect film recipe.  You take my two favorite actors, Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling, add a scoop of Damien Chazelle (who’s last project Whiplash was my favorite film of 2014), a dash of a L.A. based musical and let set 2 hours 8 minutes.  Truth be told, I hadn’t been this excited for a film all year (including Fantastic Beasts) and rightfully so.  La La Land not only lives up to every bit of its potential but takes the parts of its whole and makes them into something bigger than we could have ever imagined.  It’s a film for dreamers, a film for lovers, a film for the ages. 

2. Kubo and the Two Strings

Prior to the start of the year, I don’t think you could have done anything to convince me that there was even a chance of my liking another film more than La La Land.  Yet, here we are.  Yes, it’s animated and holds a risquè PG rating, but Kubo and the Two Strings really is as good as it gets.  With the breathtaking stop motion animation that Laika has become known for, a rousing script that sees its young hero navigating some of life’s hardest lessons and brilliant voice over work from the likes of Charlize Theron and Matthew McConaughey, Kubo finds itself in a league of its own.  'If you must blink, do it now’, says young Kubo.  Great advice before the film begins, as you won’t want to miss a thing. 

1. (TIE) Lemonade - Beyonce

I know that having two number one’s might seem like a cop out but this is my list and, as I plan to say quite often when I become a dad, "My House, Ja Rules".  Having to choose between Beyonce’s ground breaking Lemonade and Broadways’ show-stopping Dear Evan Hansen seems a crime on par with The Office or Parks and Rec?  What Beyonce has done with her sixth studio album is unprecedented.  It’s un-Bey-lievable.  Albums like this only come beyONCE in an artist’s lifetime.  Okay, I’m finished.  But in all seriousness Lemonade is an evolution.  From angry, heartbroken, questioning, to free, powerful, secure the album delves into the relationship of music’s most prominent couple.  And that would be enough.  But on repeat listens it starts to feel that maybe Beyonce isn’t simply speaking to the plight of the person who’s been cheated on but the person who is seemingly always cheated.  The downtrodden of society, the least of these, the marginalized.  In this case the black community.  Lemonade is her attempt to reconcile it all.  Darwin was right, life really is about the survival of the fittest and Lemonade finds Beyonce not just surviving but thriving.  As the old adage goes, ‘”When life gives you lemons, make the album of the year”.  

Standout Tracks:

‘Sorry', 'Freedom’, and 'Formation'

1. (TIE) Dear Evan Hansen

If you didn’t have a reason to go to New York City before now, I’m giving you the only one that matters.  I saw Dear Evan Hansen in previews over a month ago and am still putting myself back together.  What Ben Platt does everyday, sometimes TWICE a day, on the stage of the Music Box Theatre is nothing short of super human.  The show had been recommended to me by someone I trust on these matters, so I went in knowing absolutely nothing prior to my showing. Looking back, it’s the only way to do it.  Let the show wash over you and make you better.  Go in unsure and lost and I can promise, you will be found.

[mysteriouslyzealouspandalov-blog]

10 Relationship Tips For Traveling Couples

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10 Relationship Tips For Traveling Couples

It’s often said that you don’t really know someone until you travel with them, and for the most part—it’s true. Exploring a new environment, language and culture is an exciting experience that can push a couple out of their comfort zone and into each other’s arms.

Take it from me—all of my partners have been long distance for the past seven years, so travel has been baked into my relationships. Although I’ve experienced plenty of travel highs, I’ve also mastered navigating the travel lows. (Nothing worse than fighting with your boyfriend and storming off, then realizing you don’t speak French and have to come back). From Haiti to Cuba to Austria to Mexico, I’ve spent weeks and sometimes months in other countries, navigating languages, social customs, foods, health care, transport, time off and budgets so that I can fill my heart, as well as my passport.

However, it’s also no secret that travel can be full of frustrations that test the staying power of a relationship. If you’re wondering how you can keep a relationship positive in the midst of traveling, here are some hard-earned tips from me and REI Adventures Program Manager Kelsey Wenger, who traveled through South America for seven months with her partner (and survived to tell the tale, relationship intact).

“It’s really comforting to have someone you know and love with you when you’re going to an exotic place,” Wenger says of her time traveling with her partner. “When you’re traveling for that amount of time—when you’re gone for seven months—it seems really intimidating to go by yourself.”

Here are 10 everyday tips to keep your relationship going strong, even if you’ve missed the train, it’s 108 degrees outside and you’ve been detained on the Swiss-Italian border (true story).

Tip #1: Be A Good Sport About Documentation

I once had a partner say “no” when I asked him to take my travel picture. Needless to say, we’re no longer together.

If your partner shames you for wanting to document your experience, the relationship is probably not the best fit. When traveling, it’s important to have a supportive partner who’ll understand (and match) your need to stunt for the ’Gram, send a photo to mom or whatever other reason you might be asking for a photo.

If your partner isn’t a good sport about wanting to document you living your best life, are they really worth sharing that best life with?

Tip #2: Be Present

On the other hand, it’s important to be present with your partner. It’s annoying to be with someone who can’t put their phone down or is too busy taking pictures to really enjoy the moment.

The outdoors look better in full definition, not through a screen. And there’s nothing worse than eating dinner with a partner as they talk to other people on their phone while you sit there in front of them in silence. Food is just more enjoyable without electronics.

“Rather than being in the moment with your significant other,” Wenger says, “often it’s one person trying to capture that Instagrammable moment. … So, making sure you’re aware of what your significant other values when going to pretty places is very important.”

Tip #3: Respect That They May Not Be a Morning Person

“The day shall not be wasted! We got time off for this! We waited a long time for this!” I said once, to not-a-morning person. And then that not-a-morning person was miserable for the rest of the day because they didn’t get enough sleep.

This experience taught me that travel is not the time to switch someone into a morning person, no matter how chipper, pumped with coffee and ready I am to seize the day.

Instead, I now get up, wander to the local coffee shop by myself, listen to the sounds of a city as it wakes up and read a book. It’s become my favorite way to start the day.

On the same note, show respect if your partner is not a night owl. Some people just really enjoy pajamas and socks at a reasonable hour. So cozy up early—unless there’s a meteor shower or an aurora borealis waiting outside in the night sky.

Tip #4: When Conflicts Arise, Have Healthy Communication

Conflict will happen. Every time, on every trip. No matter who you’re traveling with.

Remember that when two people travel together, compromise is essential. Before you leave home, discuss what activities you’re both interested in, what pace you’d like to take and the amount of money you collectively want to spend.

“Sometimes they didn’t want to do what I wanted to do,” Wenger says. “You can mitigate that by taking time to yourself—and I think that’s really important—but other times you have to let things go in order to make the relationship work.”

There’s nothing worse than surprising your partner with the news that you planned two tours, seven dinners, a scuba dive and a marathon all in one day. Be considerate—asking for your partner’s input is important so that you don’t have unrealistic expectations.

Tip #5: Give (and Receive) Gratitude

Usually one person plans the majority of the trip (unless you go on an REI Adventures trip, which is planned ahead of time). Those of us who are Type A planners do a lot of research to make sure a trip is as seamless as possible and that we get the best deals in the best locations.

However, it can be incredibly discouraging when a partner critiques your hard work. Like the time I planned a trip to Mexico and my boyfriend complained about the accommodations and I felt defeated and unappreciated after putting so much thought into his comfort.

And, when you don’t lift a finger to contribute to the planning process, it’s important to validate your partner by showing gratitude. It may be a simple, “Thank you for planning this, you did a great job,” that makes all the difference.

Tip #6: Go On Dates

Vacations are the perfect time to be romantic. But it can be hard to remember to appreciate each other after you’ve been roughing it, walking, sweating and taking showers sparingly. But all that said, it’s still important to be a couple.

Building dates into your trips and spending one-on-one time after being surrounded by crowds, tour groups and strangers all day is a great strategy to keep the flame ablaze. Plus, it’s a good excuse to get cute, dress up and smell good for once.

Tip #7: Be Real About Bodily Functions

One time, while traveling with a partner, I got E. coli poisoning, and it wasn’t pretty. But to my surprise, after the ordeal was over my partner hugged me and said, “I feel so much closer to you now. We’ve officially been through the most embarrassing moment and came out alive.”

It’s not uncommon to get sick or have a bathroom mishap while traveling. So it helps to understand that bathroom boundaries may definitely be crossed. And who knows, maybe they’ll appreciate the vulnerability and fall more in love with you than ever before.

“It always comes down to your partner being very sick,” Wenger says. “That’s happened on many trips we’ve been on together, and it’s definitely the least flattering you’re ever going to see them, but it generally brings you closer together.”

Tip #8: Talk Budget Early

Budget is also important to discuss. On some vacations, you plan to spend a lot, while on others, you don’t. So, while your partner is dropping $200/day on a convertible rental, you thought you were going to take a 30-cent tuk-tuk around the city. Attention! Not a good way to start off a trip.

“Most of the fights we had [in South America] revolved around money—which is true for most traveling couples. … remember that what you’re doing is fun and you’re on a trip, and so, sure, you can keep track of costs, but in the end it’s not going to be that big of a deal, so just try and let it go a little bit,” Wenger says.

Tip #9: Acknowledge Being Hangry Is A Legit Condition And Must Be Treated ASAP

Hangry (adjective): A state of irritability induced by the rapid onset of hunger.

As someone who gets extremely excited while traveling and forgets to eat, I’ve learned to treat hanger as a serious condition.

We all have our own eating schedules, but when traveling with your partner, try to sync up, otherwise when one person starts dropping into low blood-sugar territory, it can be to the serious detriment of the relationship. With low blood sugar, your partner can’t think straight, their emotions are uncontrollable and next thing you know, you could be getting yelled at for breathing too loudly. The same goes for being dehydrated.

Do not underestimate the power of getting your partner watered and fed when they let you know they’re starting to get hangry. Drop everything and eat! Carry snacks and water always.

Tip #10: Most Importantly, Have Fun

The whole point of a trip is to enjoy new experiences. That said, treat every mishap, showerless day, car breakdown and hanger-induced meltdown as an adventure. And then, also revel in the great moments: the mountains you climbed together, the waterfalls you jumped off of and the challenges overcome.

Traveling comes with difficulties. Traveling with a partner—well, that’s a whole different challenge. But while traveling alone can be empowering, nothing beats sharing a fantastic experience with the one you love. So don’t let a trip break your relationship. Let the trip make your relationship.

The post 10 Relationship Tips For Traveling Couples appeared first on REI Co-op Journal.

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10 Relationship Tips For Traveling Couples

[chocolate-brownies]

My father died suddenly during the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college. The loss unhinged me. Even though I lived with two roommates and was surrounded by fellow students and teachers, I spent the next three years of college in a fog of depression and isolation. After graduation I joined the Peace Corps, partly in order to avoid the draft—it was the height of the Vietnam War—and partly from having no idea where I wanted to go with my life.

Arriving in East Africa as a minimally prepared secondary-school teacher, I experienced being completely alone in a culture totally different from the one I’d grown up in. Paradoxically, instead of miring me in loneliness, being in this utterly new and different environment drew me out of my isolation. After a few weeks there, I woke up with a sense of shock to the realization that the way people were living in this part of the world—still organized in traditional tribal societies and cultivating and hunting their own food—was far more representative of how human beings had lived for thousands of years than the lifestyle I’d come from. American culture by contrast seemed like an artificial, self-involved, materialistic aberration. 

This refreshing experience of solitude gave me the space to find myself, my own values, a sense of purpose. I enacted this new direction primarily in teaching young people who were the first in their families to receive a Western-style education, but also through organizing an anti-war protest among my fellow Peace Corps volunteers in Kenya. It was a formative time that, along with encountering Buddhism shortly after my return to the States, set the course for the rest of my life. Ever since that time, I’ve appreciated solitude, and contemplated its relationship to its close cousins: isolation, loneliness, and aloneness. Making peace with time alone and finding the means to do it in the healthiest way may be essential to living life well.

Henry David Thoreau famously wrote in Walden, “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” Thoreau’s celebration of solitude has itself been celebrated widely ever since. Yet, between 1825 (when Thoreau was eight years old) and 2000, use of the word “solitude” in printed books declined by over 70%. In the same period, use of the word “loneliness” increased by over 500%.

What may this curious statistic be revealing? 

It suggests, perhaps, that we are living in the midst of an epidemic of loneliness accompanied by a famine of solitude, increasingly isolated from each other and yet starved for the kind of time alone that rewards us—and those who come in contact with us—deeply.

Both loneliness and solitude are conditions of aloneness—which simply describes the state of being by yourself and doesn’t carry a positive or negative connotation—but the actual experiences the two words evoke are very different. Loneliness involves feelings of sadness and yearning for what is absent: family, friends, home, native land, culture. This yearning for people and places that hold great meaning for us expresses a basic human need to belong—to be in active relationship with the things that make us who we are. Loneliness is an instinctive response to feelings of social isolation, moving us to seek and reach out to others. But at times this seeking and reaching behavior can turn into grasping and clinging. Becoming fixated on what we think is missing in our lives can itself become an obstacle to getting our needs for belonging and intimacy met.

Solitude, on the other hand, is time we choose to spend alone in a special way. It’s not just taking time for yourself. It’s not merely R&R, as important as that is in the midst of the over-pressured lives many of us lead these days. Rather than taking time for ourselves, genuine solitude is about taking time with ourselves: time devoted to cultivating a deeper, more intimate, and more authentic relationship with ourselves.

We become who we are in relationships.  The very sense of being a self—a “me” who is different from “you” and “them”—develops through an infant’s attachment relationship to their mother, whose voice and smiles and reactions teach it that it possesses agency, the ability to cause things to happen outside of itself. 

As social animals, we live in a mesh of relationships. Much of what’s most important and meaningful for us is mediated by our relationships with others. At the same time, these vital relationships also constrain us. Naturally, there are times when these constraints are socially beneficial, such as when a friend or lover is able to interrupt a damaging habit we’ve fallen into. At other times, though, the tangle of relationships can constrain us in a way that suppresses essential aspects of our nature and limits our potential for growth and change and self-realization. We can get trapped inside a version of who we are expected to be that is out of touch with who we are.

As we grow from childhood to adolescence to adulthood, eventually our most fundamental relationship becomes the inner relationship with ourselves. This relationship is not always easy or comfortable, but it is through consciously recognizing and taking responsibility for our feelings and needs and desires, rather than seeking solutions from others or blaming them for our problems, that we develop inner strength. That inner relationship can be fostered in solitude, which can provide us a kind of strength that can counteract the frequent demands to be shaped by others’ agendas to the exclusion of our own deepest aspirations.

In solitude, the relatedness of our lives doesn’t go away, but its demands become less immediate, giving us the opportunity to check in with feelings and values at a deeper level, to experience a positive quality of aloneness (including perhaps some pangs of loneliness). In this deeper engagement with ourselves, our sense of identity and self-worth becomes less dependent on input and affirmation from others.

As we learn to be less psychologically and emotionally dependent—and our sense of who we are matures—we find greater freedom in how we experience and interact with others. As our own need lessens we are more able to see others as they are, whether for better or for worse, and more able to genuinely give of ourselves to support and benefit other people—certainly those who are closest and most important to us, but also those with whom our relationships may be less deep or lasting.

While aloneness does sometimes involve feelings of loneliness, in a positive sense it represents our ability to stand on our own two feet, to function autonomously, to not be constrained by unhealthy dependence on others. It is a state of being “self-possessed.” Excessive time alone, of course, is unhealthy for most people. It can lead to psychological breakdown (as the movement to eliminate solitary confinement in our prison systems attests). But insufficient time alone, like an unbalanced diet, deprives us of essential nutrients for living a whole and rewarding life.

Practicing mindfulness can greatly enhance the benefits of solitude. Since it is about paying attention to whatever is occurring in the present moment, mindfulness practice allows the background clutter of thoughts and fantasies to subside and the clear, calm, and spacious innate nature of the mind to appear. At the same time, mindfulness is about cultivating a life-enhancing inner relationship between whatever arises in our experience and our simultaneous awareness of its arising. This special quality of awareness is sometimes referred to as “witness consciousness.”

As the mind settles and becomes more clear and focused, awareness grows both deeper and broader. We start to notice what is going on below the level of our everyday discursive consciousness (discursive literally means “running on and on”). We get more in touch with our body and how it has its own, nonconceptual way of knowing. This bodily or somatic knowing is intuitive, holistic, and open-ended. And because, unlike our thinking minds, the body never lies, it gives us trustworthy feedback for navigating life’s ups and downs as well as accurate insights into right next steps.

Mindfulness also sharpens our sense perceptions, keeping us appreciatively engaged with our surroundings. Literally as well as figuratively, we see more clearly and are able to act in the world more skillfully and effectively.

William Wordsworth evokes “that inward eye/Which is the bliss of solitude.” The inward eye sees the contents of our inner life, much of which occurs out of view of our outward-oriented senses, below the radar, as it were. In solitude, we have the opportunity to bring our hidden parts into the light of awareness. 

Actually, it’s not we—our familiar goal-oriented selves—who bring what is hidden to light. Rather, we learn to create a safe, caring space that allows these parts to start to show themselves to us. Like shy animals coming out from behind the bushes, they appear and even permit us to enter into a mutually beneficial relationship. 

Many of these shy animals have their origins in childhood experiences. The child part of our self doesn’t disappear as we grow older—it’s still there, often in hiding, and it should be cherished. Its feelings, its fears and wants, deserve our attention: the attention of a mature person able to discern and respond with understanding and compassion. Old emotional wounds that are no longer experienced directly are like scars that can inhibit growth and enjoyment of life—until they’re able to show themselves and feel recognized and accepted by our grown-up selves. 

This inner journey of self-disclosure can be painful and scary at times, hard work to undertake and stick with. But the rewards are great, as inner resources and aspirations we never knew were there present themselves.

In solitude we encounter our vulnerabilities, fears, and self-doubt. As we make friends with these “negative” feelings, we become less self-critical, less burdened, and more self-compassionate. Best of all, the life-enhancing inner relationship we cultivate during times of solitude also empowers our relationships with others. We are able to listen more deeply, process more empathically, and respond from a genuine caring for the other. We become less needy and more confident, more appreciative, and more grateful for those we share our lives with.

And solitude itself can be a powerful shared experience. Participating in group meditation sessions—time alone together—often evokes this. So does attending a concert where we touch into deep personal feeling while surrounded by other people: Rather than interfering, the atmosphere of attentive silence shared with the other listeners present supports and deepens our own experience of a rich, meaningful solitude.

Practicing solitude brings about growth and change. Change can be destabilizing, so resistance to change is natural. But “becoming who we are” is a journey without end. Our lives are most wholesome and authentic when we overcome resistance and embrace the change the world asks of us, enabling us to make a contribution that is true to ourselves. In that journey solitude is a vital ally.

And we become less lonely. Far from hiding out in isolation and self-involvement, our embracing of solitude makes us more engaged, more able to contribute to building a society that is sane, peaceful, and just. As Thoreau wrote in his journal, essentially notes to himself that others would later read, “You think that I am impoverishing myself withdrawing from men, but in my solitude I have woven for myself a silken web or chrysalis, and, nymph-like, shall ere long burst forth a more perfect creature, fitted for a higher society.” 

Isolation vs. Solitude

Not surprisingly, loneliness has been shown to lead to overall negative health outcomes. In a frequently cited article on social isolation and health, published in Perspectives in Biology and Medicine in 2013, John Cacioppo and Louise Hawkley  reported on studies showing that socially isolated young adults “rated everyday events as more intensely stressful.” They coped with stressors passively rather than directly (“suppressing emotion” in lay terms), a risk factor for high blood pressure, and their isolation contributed to slower wound healing and poorer sleep. 

Subsequent studies have continued to show negative effects of social isolation, including a 2017 meta-analysis by Adnan Bashir Bhatti and Anwar ul Haq, published in Cureus, that indicated a connection between isolation and illness in a variety of systems: “cardiovascular, inflammatory, neuroendocrine, cognitive, and affective.”

And yet, many researchers point to the benefits of solitude. There is a key difference, however, between social isolation and solitude. Isolation is usually forced on us, whereas solitude is a choice. 

In The Handbook of Solitude (2014), developmental psychologist Kenneth Rubin, of the University of Maryland, lists four conditions required for solitude to be beneficial:

•  you are spending time alone voluntarily

•  you are capable of regulating emotion

•  you are able and willing to join a social group

•  you can also have good relationships outside of that group.

In the same handbook, Jack Fong, a sociologist at Cal State Polytechnic, contends that alone time has a key role to play in transcending social crises: By getting to know who we are, we can counteract the forces that want to shape us into who we are not.

More recently, four studies from Thuy-vy Nguyen, Richard Ryan, and Edward Deci, from the University of Rochester, published in 2017 in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, showed that people who deliberately took time alone (away from all devices) experienced increased peacefulness, calm, and relaxation. While some participants felt sadder, lonelier, or more bored, a greater number felt less anxious and angry.

Two Mindful Practices for Being Alone

If you find it hard to be alone, that’s OK! Here are two practices to help you find a sense of ease through keeping yourself company.

Alone with Yourself

Go to a solitary place—outdoors in nature, a park or garden, or indoors in a quiet room. Settle yourself in a comfortable spot and let your body really rest into the support of what you are sitting (or standing) on. 

Now, first take a minute or so to notice what’s going on in your mind, then move your attention down into your body. Keep your eyes open with a relaxed gaze. Sense how it feels to be alone—you can say to yourself, “I’m all alone here.” Notice what sensations are present in your body—how does your body react to “all alone”?

Sit for a while with whatever sensations are there in your body. Notice thoughts that come, but let them go and gently return your attention to how it feels in your body—especially your throat, chest, solar plexus, and belly. Do you notice any constriction or jitteryness or heaviness, or some other inner sensation? Is there an emotional texture, like fear or anxiety or self-consciousness? Or perhaps a sense of ease and comfort? Be with whatever feeling is there, gently keeping it company with no judgment. 

Welcome uncomfortable feelings; try not to react to them but just notice them in a friendly way. Be mindful of thoughts that start to form but keep returning your attention to how it feels in your body. You are learning the art of solitude—simply being present for what is going on in your body and feelings without either suppressing those sensations or needing to interpret or do something about them. 

Alone with Others

Now, do this exercise in a busy public place like a shopping mall, airport, or train station. Find an unobtrusive place to sit or stand. As before, take some time to let your body settle and feel the support of your seat or the ground. Lower your gaze, notice what’s going through your mind, then drop your attention down into your body—sensing especially inside your torso. Notice any sensations in those areas such as tightness, pressure, or a fluttery feeling. Whatever you find, just be with it, give it your friendly attention. 

After a while let your gaze rise to take in everything that’s going on around you. You don’t need to look around with your eyes, just open your awareness and receive whatever visual images and sounds are going on in the space. As you do this, keep sensing inside your body. How is your body receiving the presence of all the other people? How does it feel to be alone in their presence? Try not to focus on any particular person or detail, keeping your awareness as broad and open as you can. 

If you feel self-conscious, that’s fine—notice the physical sensations that come with feeling self-conscious. The point of the exercise is simply to notice how your body is responding to your environment as you also hold a sense of solitude in yourself. Allow yourself to become aware of these inner sensations without having to react to them. If you find yourself getting anxious, lower your gaze again and let your inner sensations subside or change. Experiment with raising and lowering your gaze and being aware of what is going on around you, while not losing touch with what is going on inside you. 

The post Finding Strength in Healthy Doses of Solitude appeared first on Mindful.