#*this breakdown brought to you by the fact that I'm hungry and we have... not a lot of options available and I am fully out of spoons

[heliager]

I just want someone to take care of me on my bad days

and I feel guilty for wanting that because I have nothing to offer in return and I know that's stupid because I deserve to be taken care of but

[rubyhoshinoamastolfo]

WTF 2024 ???

Okay so.

In September, I did a post with my kinlist (that got 25 notes, that's insane omg), and I was happy to show my feminine character kins: I wasn't that into my gender questionning...but now...

Listen (no, read), I really started to admit that I may be kind of transfem at the end of 2023 (the last two weeks): I had a big breakdown during the last work week, and I felt that it was...very open. Like, I was really able to tell how I felt. Even if it was a breakdown, so something bad, I felt very understood by my partner and their boyfriend (yes, poly couple) and I started getting transfem / femboys videos on TikTok some days later. The holidays were great and I felt better and better about my gender, even if it's still in questionning, I feel more at peace and ease.

The last argument came on the 29th because I told how I felt about my partner's relationship, that I felt left behind. It brought a crisis, but still...I'm extremely relieved that it was not exactly jealousy I was experiencing: a kind of jealousy but not the one I thought it was. I'm extremely happy to still have my partner, even I know I'm also happy to have their boyfriend by my side. He's not MY boyfriend because we don't match enough, but he's still important to me.

Didn't feel down since then (okay, school has not beaten me up yet, let's wait for it-), didn't take any medication since my big breakdown. I know things are going to change, and I will feel down again sooner or later, because of my work, my exhaustion... But I know it won't last, and I will always have people beside me.

BUT SINCE THE BEGINNING, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT WHAT I WANTED TO.

MY KINLIST.

January means new season for anime. And this season, I watch 4-5 shows (unlike these 10 lasts seasons when I watched 2 shows maximum-).

...And I'm getting attacked. I often get kins. I use them to understand me better and to have role model, to tell to myself "this character acts like this, it could fits you well, you should try". yeah, neurospicy things, thanks anxiety.

Look, NO READ, before, I kinned nearly only male characters. Sometimes, the simp and the kin mixed together but welp, it is what it is. Now...There's Ruby Hoshino, Kyoko Hori, March 7th, Princess Syalis... AND YOU NEED TO ADD THESE ONES BECAUSE WHY ART THOU ATTACKING ME LIKE THIS????

SHE COULD SELL HER SOUL FOR FOOD. SHE CAN BE BOUGHT BY GOOD FOOD. OF COURSE I'D LOVE HER

Okay, you'd say "basic", but yeah, it is. But I love her. It's not reaaaally a kin, it's just some relatable things that sooth me, and she has ikemen around her (especially Ise)

Okay, not a kin at all. I'm just simping a lot on his demon form. As a "cute demon queen", I need demon kings for me. I'm still waiting to see more of Maou-sama and I want to see Beelzebub from "I'm the villainess so I'm taming the final boss" again. In fact, give me hot demon kings.

2024 really started greatly. Maybe because I feel like I'm starting over something, on good basis. I really hope it will last, because I love feeling like this. I never was a sad person, I'm rather a tired person, but my tireness can give me big down because my brain cannot follow everything when its tired or hungry.

I'm really meaning it. @kittyfeli and @problemskinnie , thank you so much for being here for me. You don't know how much you helped me, especially these last weeks. Everyone else too, but you two really are special. <3 <3 <3 <3

[guigz1-coldwar]

'Broken': New chapter for "Redemption in a Spirit in a Cold War" is out !

"Broken"

"I just want to live...don't want to be alone..."

Chapter Summary: Yirina had a mental breakdown in the restroom of Century House and Park was there to comfort her but now, she only wants to rest...exhausted...and still feeling sad...

Link of the Picrew used !

To read it on AO3, click here!

Words : +3000

Taglist : @snowgoldwaylon , @clxudtea , @efingart

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I broke down...I broke down in the restroom of Century House in tears, suffering from things that were given to me by force that was now in my head, impossible to remove them without fucking up with the strength I got in me to stay alive but more I'm living, more I will have to face and even if I was telling to myself that I will maybe survive this long journey of the fight against Perseus, I know that each day, my brain was going to give me how I was before everything and each time, it could either be good & happy or damn bad...and sad.

Sadness took over me in that place and when Park saw me like that, I couldn't stop myself to cry and because of it, she decided that it was better for us to come back to the apartment, leaving work earlier even if we didn't suppose to be here at first place but looking at me, I knew that we couldn't stay here any longer. We left the building earlier as Park told Zasha & Portnova to leave too but both preferred to stay a bit longer...leaving me only with Park to walk in the streets of London.

Walking inside those streets was...stressing me, I was still crying on the inside, my face wasn't the thing I wanted to show to the bystanders at the moment, having to hide it with the hood of my jacket, Park at my side and having my right hand in her left one to make sure that I wasn't going to go away, holding it like she was meaning it and when I was looking at her in the eyes, I was seeing the sadness in them too, slowly making me want to break down in public.

Nonetheless, I managed to hold back my tears along the way back to the apartment and when we arrived at the front door of it, the tears were starting to fall down again on my face slowly as Park was unlocking the door as if I only wanted to cry out what was remaining inside of me.

"You want something to eat? To drink?" Park asked me in a worried voice as we were entering the apartment, letting me enter first.

"No, nothing," I replied to her, taking off my jacket before holding it in my hands, not moving as I was near the main couch of the living room.

"Yirina, you need something, I'll give you a glass of water," Park insisted, locking the front door.

"I said I didn't want anything," I asserted to her, clenching my fists as my jacket was still in my hands. "Nothing can help me now," I whispered, putting the jacket on the couch before I turned around to look at Park. "I...I... never mind, give me water..." I changed my mind, seeing her face that was pretty insistent towards me and the fact that I needed water, feeling my throat all thirsty.

"Good," She grinned small at me before she starts to walk away to the kitchen, leaving me alone for a few seconds as I was leaned against the couch, not fully sitting on it, and then, she comes back with a glass in her hands. "Here," She handed me the glass and I took it in my hands.

"Thank you," I muttered before I took a little sip from the glass. "I don't know how to feel right now, I'm still sad...bad...not myself..." I told her, looking at the glass in both hands, seeing it half-empty. "I'm not myself," I repeated, taking some steps and drinking the rest before putting the glass down on the table of the room.

"Yirina...please," Park pleaded in a low voice as she was going to go next to me near the couch. "It's hard for me to see you like that," She admitted, giving me a knot in my stomach...something I already knew...

"I know but I can't do anything about it," I stated, putting my hands on the table and closing my eyes, looking down. "I can't control myself, I'm losing myself in my head that only want me to get over with everything like that," I said that to her, a part of me actually feeling it and the other part...not at all but it was weaker, not able to speak up...

"Like...like what?" Park demanded to me.

"Part of me...wanted me to die at Solovetsky, avoiding me all of this pain...I don't want that to happen but the more I live, the more it's taking over me," I responded to her, starting to sit down on the ground after turning back around to look at her. "You're here to avoid it but it's getting too strong in me," I snorted, feeling back the tears on my face.

"Yirina, I will always save you, as I always think with you," She reassured me, moving to face me & sit down in front of me in the same position as me and if it brought me a little smile, my mood wasn't following it at all. "When I'm seeing you like that, it's...I feel so bad for what I did to you," She added. "Each day back at the safe house, it was a suffering to see you like that, unaware of the truth,"

"Like I always have been," I whispered to myself as Park decide to slowly put her right hand on my cheek, using her thumb to clean up the tears from my eyes. "You know...when I woke up from my coma, I was lost...feeling weak after the revelations that were done to me from that doctor," I explained despite she was already knowing it.

"If only I knew, I would have stayed with you," She confessed, her hand removing some part of my hair covering my face, a little smile on her face. "You don't deserve this pain, Yiri, it's all Adler & Perseus's fault to have fucked up your life," She said and I slowly nodded to her before a tear came out of her eyes. "It's also mine,"

"No, even if you insist, I don't want to know and you know why?" I asked her, referring that I couldn't stand to see her blaming herself for what she did. "Because you were the only person to say 'sorry' after I left that room, the only one," I breathed, looking at my left hand before putting it in a gentle way on her arm. "It was at this moment...I forgive you and I continue to love you because I believe in you, I do," I revealed, causing her to close her eyes.

"I wasn't the only one to believe in you, Woods, Mason &...mostly Lazar who said that they were believing in you," She exclaimed, her face going sad, passing her other hand to clean up her face of tears. "Your...when Adler revealed that you were dead, we were all sad and...I didn't get over it for a long time until the moment you stepped back in that safe house...to me," She continued, mentioning the moment when the two of us saw each other after years.

"The moment I saw you again...it brought me tears of joy but also of pain, I was happy to see you again but I was still sad about everything else," I explained, moving my hands to help her clean up her tears. "I'm still having his memories in me, memories that are making 'Bell' live in me," I revealed to her.

"You're not Bell anymore, Yirina, no more," Park asserted, sounding sadder than before, this name bringing bad moments.

"I want to but Bell is me...a woman that was fighting for the good side, a woman that didn't want to die in a faraway island," I chuckled about thinking of being Bell before. "Bell isn't bad, it's Adler who wants to make Bell a bad person, Bell...she was the one to die that day but I'm still making her live in my head." I added, it was my first time talking positively of 'Bell' to Park. "I still hear her in my head, as a means to give me hope and do what she wanted to do: fight Perseus and remove Adler off my life,"

"Yirina...you're not Bell," Park insisted, moving her two hands on my cheeks before getting our foreheads against each other. "You're talking of her like if she was another person of you but..." She then stopped herself, looking at me in the eyes. "You're fighting for me, you, your friends," She claimed and I nodded to her.

"To give everyone the freedom that they deserve, the freedom that you deserve," I told her in a low voice before I slowly pulled her for a little kiss on the lips, both having tears on our faces. "I want it with you but..." I started to say before I stopped myself, starting to cry as I did back in that restroom. "I need...to lay down..." I said, going up from my spot.

"Yirina, wait," Park wanted to stop me as I was walking away from the ground to go into our bedroom.

Nothing was able to help me now, not the kisses, not feeling her hands on my body to make me relax, nothing. I was...still feeling lost in here and now, the only thing I wanted...was to lay down a bit...maybe more than a bit, going rather to sleep without eating dinner, I just wanted to have some peace and that's the only thing that was important to me and tears & pain was going to get with me for a long time until they can disappear.

I wanted to undress once I was inside the bedroom but crying wasn't helping me to facilitate the task, causing me to give up after I removed my shoes, the only things that I removed off me, and after that, I walked to the bed where I fall on it at my place. I then put myself into the position to sleep, staying on top of the sheets and as I predicted, my tears weren't going to let me sleep in peace.

Then, the door was opened. I peaked my eyes to see Park entering the room without saying a word at all before she closed the door, starting to undress without any problems as I was looking at her briefly with my eyes, not turning my head around before I could see her installing herself on the bed at her place and then, starting to feel her arms getting wrapped around my shoulders.

"You don't deserve all of this pain, Yiri," She whispered at me, her forehead right behind my neck and feeling her close to me. "I need you," She added in a low voice.

"I need you too," I affirmed, moving my hands towards her ones. "You should stay up, Zasha & Portnova are going to come back soon," I suggested.

"I want to stay with you, I'm not hungry...I'm tired," She told me in a clear voice, meaning it really. "You don't deserve all of this," She repeated, sounding broken to say it.

"I know," I muttered, tears still falling down, impossible to make them stop...only time could do even if it was going to be this long...I can't stop it. "Help me find my way out, help me," I demanded to her, my voice breaking down under the weight of my emotions.

"I will...like I always did for you," Park confirmed to me before landing a small kiss behind my neck, now feeling her up close, removing any space between us.

"I just want to live...don't want to be alone..." I whispered to myself before I stop talking, wanting to sleep for good as Park was holding me close to her and my eyes were trying to shut down. "I don't want to be alone..." I repeated, now trying to find the peace I want now...I just want to sleep in peace...not alone...

When I opened my eyes slowly, I could find myself back into my apartment in Moscow, sleeping on my bed and covered by the white sheets of it, feeling that I was only wearing nothing more than a bra & and underwear below the sheets. I thought to sleep alone but in fact, there was someone else with me on my bed and it was Freya herself, seeing her half-covered by the sheets and seeing her back with some scars on the middle of it.

I was going to get up from the bed before I decided to pass my hands along with the few big scars on her back, especially the one she had that was going up to the bottom at the level of her lungs, more looking like a knife cut than a whip. My left index and ring finger were slowly and gently moving along it as I was looking sad about it and my moves seem to make Freya move a little, waking her up.

"Yiri, you're awake," She said in an awakening voice, still looking in her direction and not at me.

"I didn't mean to wake you up, Freya," I apologized to her, going to sit on the edge of my bed to find my clothes gathered on the ground. "It's just that I...I wanted to pass my hand along with the scars you got," I clarified myself.

"You can continue, I like feeling your fingers on my skin," She suggested to me, hearing her moving on the bed as I wasn't looking at her

"No, I don't want to," I told her like that before I took in my hands my clothes to dress up again, seeing through the window of my room, the sun rising up on the city.

"Is...is there something wrong?" Freya asked me in a curious voice as I was putting on my shoes after getting up to put my pants on.

"No, why should it be?" I asked her back, stopping for a second before continuing to do what I wanted to do, still seeing her look at me. "I'm fine, Freya, don't worry," I reassured her, feeling the lie in my voice as I was taking my shirt in my hands.

"Yiri, tell me the truth, is there something wrong?" She demanded me in a serious voice, covering the top of her body with the sheets in her hands.

"No," I said, sure of myself before I turned around away from her to snort...looking myself in the big mirror of the room. "Yes...there's something wrong," I finally resigned myself, to tell the truth.

"What is this about?" She questioned me, looking worried on her face. "Was it about our night? Did I hurt you? Was it bad?" She proposed to me, ideas and I shook my head to her.

"Not at all, it was great, I loved it," I replied to her with a little smile on my face before I decide to sit back on the bed at the end of it. "It's something else...something that we talked about together before we...Uhm...we make love with each other," I added, slowly looking at her with a sad face.

"Is this...about what I'm thinking, right now?" She asked me.

"Why don't you want us to have children, Freya?" I demanded in a sad voice, on the verge to break down in tears in front of her. "I want to have one but...why are you saying no?"

"Damnit, we don't need to talk about this, Yirina," Freya said, rolling her eyes around in a normal voice despite the first word she said.

"We do: why you don't want children?" I repeated my question to her, making myself clear that I wanted an answer from her.

"You know it well, it's not what I want in my life," She responded to me, drifting her eyes away from me, in a sort of attempt to avoid answering fully. "It isn't something I want and as I said, I'm clear on the subject: no children," She affirmed, looking at her own clothes on the ground that was scattered around her side of the bed.

"Why? Are you scared?" I asked her, causing her to freeze in place as she was going to go up from the bed to look at me. "Don't you want children because you're scared?" I added.

"Yes, you want to know it, I'm scared as hell to have children, Yirina!" She spoke up in the instant to my question, raising a bit her voice. "We don't live lives that can't allow us to do this and you know it well," She continued, moving a little to sit on her side of the bed. "I'm scared," She whispered.

"And that's the thing I want with you: a normal life," I claimed to her, putting my hands on my lap. "A life where I'm not shot at, not threatened by a knife or by the persistent phone calls from Perseus," I told her before taking a deep breath. "A normal fucking life, isn't that hard to ask with you?"

"I don't know," She only replied to me after a few seconds of thinking from her. "We're fighting for a cause that can't let us do this, I don't know if we can really manage to do this," She continued, starting to gather her clothes around to dress up. "Maybe that I will want children but not today, not in the following months, not now, you understand?" She clarified her position on the subject, making me a bit sad?

"I just want to be happy in my life for once and you have to bring my hopes down," I alleged to her as she was putting on her jeans. "Freya...Freya, please...you said that you wanted me to be happy,"

"Yes, I did say that...but having children isn't a part of that," She admitted to me, putting on her black shirt." I want your happiness but don't think about children, I don't want to know more about it," She ordered, going up from the bed before moving in front of me. "I love you but no more thinking about it, okay?" She asked for me and I nodded...sadly.

"Okay, as you wish, love,' I responded to her before she put her right hand on my cheeks to kiss me on the lips, still feeling sad inside of me. "I'm sorry about this,"

"You don't have to, it's okay," She reassured me with a smile on her face that I was making on my face despite the trouble of doing it for real as she was putting her hands on my shoulders.....

"The only thing I want with you is your love...and your happiness to me,"

[m-adp-each]

Nine Ways to Kill a Demigod

   The first method seemed the easiest: to hit with the car somewhere outside the city and with a clean soul to leave the scene of the crime. Even the preparation for this case was quite serious: tracking the target for several days to analyze the route. And so, gathering his strength — although during such situations, even conscience did not torment the soul — his foot pressed down hard on the gas pedal. The loud rustle of the wheels rubbing against the asphalt, on which small stones bounced, barely reached the ears of the driver, who was completely absorbed by only one sound — his heartbeat.

     A slight push, accompanied by the rocking of the body in the chair (fasten your seat belts, children, otherwise there would be two corpses instead of one). Leaning back against the seat again, he took a deep breath and slowly stretched his neck out the open window of the door.

     He's moving.

    And in order not to be noticed, he quickly leaves without looking at the downed target or at his car. He should have. The dent in the hood was deep enough. And the carcass was not destroyed, and still pay for the breakdown.

     The second method is a banality. Invite them to visit under the pretext of improving relations between their personalities. In order not to arouse suspicion the younger one was also invited, let them have fun with son. And he smiles, the infection, pleasantly and friendly, while he puts the poison in the drink. A poison that could kill a horse with just a few drops, carefully stored on a shelf in an old office.

     He does not interfere when the guest eats the meat on both cheeks — let him be satisfied before he dies. Nobody can't goes to Valhalla with an empty stomach. There were and there are rumors: in what state you will die, in this state you will live your dead eternity.

     And what is he, a monster or something, to kill a hungry man?

 

    And he watches carefully as the cup of mead is brought to his lips, as the adam's apple on his throat twitches in slow sips. If he feels some kind of trick, drink with caution. Can't figure out what's wrong with a delicious, sweet drink. And when he finishes everything, he asks for more. He smiles. He sees the smile in return and doesn't know that rage is boiling inside.

     The third method is childish. Sit in a dark street corner and wait for him to pass by. And while waiting to light a cigarette. One, two, three. Where was he? Well, of course, today is the day off, why would he come back from school, you fool!

     Okay. Tries every other day. Two cigarettes are enough and a familiar silhouette appears on the horizon. He pulls his hood down and tries to blend in with the gloom. And when the right person passes by, he grabs him by the scruff of the neck and pulls into the darkness. He bends his arm at the elbow, and with it his throat. He doesn't let he breathe, ignores the rebuff. Only he breathes quickly and noisily, holding the body in his grip... but how much does he weigh? Not so that, in addition to strength, the weight of Thor has taken over?

     So, what's this? Ah, the dog. Shoo, get lost. «No way, my friend. Remember when you didn't feed me six months ago? So here you go, get a bite in the leg.»

     The teeth are sharp in the yard dog, they sink into the ankle. There is nothing left but to let go of the potential corpse and cling to the furry mutt. While he was sorting it out, the corpse ran away. The wound on him leg is burning.

     The fourth way — but can he swim? Not at all. It doesn't matter how he knows this information. But the fact remains. Maybe someone has already noticed that a great man has been following a simple guy for weeks. Pricked up his ears and attentively watches their movements, not understanding what is happening. However, if someone suddenly thinks of something — always can bite the throat. That's a big deal.

     So, a pure, ridiculous accident if suddenly someone slips on the pier and falls into the sea. There is a great depth, far from the shore or shallow water. There's no one around. What a shame. It remained to organize the fall, which was not so difficult.

     Walking along the edge of the dock, he didn't expect to hear a rumbling growl out of nowhere. It's like a thunderclap even though there's not a cloud in the sky. But a large cloud immediately began to fall down trying to keep its balance.

     Funny twitching stumps.

     So expectantly looks around the corner, with a request, a plea in his eyes. Even blows in the direction of the «lucky guy» which soon becomes so when an outsider runs up.

     The throat can be chewed out not only by the talkative.

     The method of the fifth. Flying is a sign of freedom. The monks sit for years in their lotus positions trying to separate the soul and body, to learn the so-called zen and merge with nature. And he is ready to organize it in a matter of seconds! It is only necessary for a spiritually developed person to stand near the construction complex. A concrete slab falling on his head will do everything by itself. It is not difficult to raise the roof (in the future the roof). It's even easier to throw it off. And the sight was as good as it had been three thousand years ago. It was much more difficult to keep the target in one place. No, he'll definitely have to see a psychologist soon.

     That's who asked you, dear employee, to call an «outsider» who is forbidden to enter here? Why the hell are you suddenly concerned about safety, you drunkard? In short, the concrete slab did not feel a sense of freedom. But it turned out to be an excellent boxing «bag» for a powerful punch. From the center, a web began to spread across the surface.

     Method six. Psychological pressure. So, we have a person with innate speech problems, living in a single-parent family, because once upon a time the keeper of the hearth heroically fell under snowdrifts. His friend recently died, and some parts of the city think he's a psychopath. Well... it would be very embarrassing if the nightmares accidentally killed the poor, immature mind.

     Why did parents stop monitoring their children's sleep patterns? «Here in our time...» — visited the thoughts in his head, when the atmosphere of two o'clock in the morning hung in space, and the guy lying on the bed, at the laptop, did not even think to sleep. And how, may he ask, do he begin to terrorize him with nightmares?

     That's it, lay down. So, he can remember the spell. He speaks quietly, sitting outside the window, watching — and it's good that the others are asleep. They would have wondered what the head of the local campaign had left on the stairs at the newcomers ' house. But it doesn't matter much when he cast a spell on a defenseless teenager to make him go crazy from his dreams.

     No. A teenager it turns out can also show strength in dreams. Monsters with screams and tantrums run back to complain to their creator. Perhaps it was their tears that came in a strong gust of wind, causing the ladder to stagger, and the person standing on it to fall down.

     Method seven.

     «Vidar, put the axe back in the cabinet.»

     «But Ra-an!»

    «Don't give me «Ran»!»

     The way to the eighth. He releases a secret weapon into battle. So what if he's blind — but he can smell well and go at the speed of light. Especially when he hears the refrigerator opening. The favorite in the family-because the only one who listens and does not cause a headache. You're going to be sent to your death, fluffy.

     Here, smell the clothes of our beloved demigod. Got a lead? Run, tear it up, bring the head to me, you can bury the bones in your warehouse in the back yard.

     You mean he tore his mouth open? How to ask for meat, so «I am a beast, I am a power, I am a monster», but as the heir of the divine forces to destroy so no. Fie on you, toothy, I believed in your strength…

     He speaks spiteful speeches, wiping a stingy tear from his cheek and pledging to avenge his faithful friend.

     Method ninth.

     What if we short-circuit him? While the lightning sparkles pour water.

     «Honey, you'd better drink some Valerian and calm down. You're already delusional.»

     «I'm hungry for blood and revenge.»

     «And I think you're looking for a fried kebab from jotun.»

     The wife looks expressively like this. The rights are the same a little something, so immediately fry…

    Where were we staying?

Oh, yes.

Nine ways not to Go Crazy when your main Enemy is a teenager

[getitinbusan]

Kim Taehyung

After leaving Seokjin's you just sat in your car trying to process the mental breakdown you were in the midst of having.

Your phone rang displaying the name Kim Taehyung. It had only been 3 days since your last date so this was a little unexpected.

His assistant was on the line as usual "Hi Y/N, Mr Kim was wondering if he could see you tonight?"

Did you feel like going on a manhunt right now? Taehyung was one of your most important customers and despite feeling defeated by Jin you agreed.

"Sure what time should we arrive?"

The line was quiet for a minute "He actually wants you alone."

The car picked you up and brought you directly to the Trimage.  Pulling into the garage you swear you saw Jungkook getting into a Blacked out Range Rover. You really must be losing your mind, why were you even thinking of him.

Making your way up in the elevator your mind was racing, why on earth had Tae ordered you here?

Maybe he wanted to try something new? Maybe he picked a partner himself? Usually you let yourself in but the circumstances today were different.

Knocking gently on the door he opened it a few seconds later. 

Your heart skipped a beat, you'd only seen him in the dim lighting of the bedroom, he was breathtaking. His flawless honey skin caught the light making him look ethereal.  Always serious as he watched you, he now faced you with the most beautiful smile. "Please come in" he said holding the door wide for you.

There was an awkward silence, he wasn't sure how to begin.

"I was jealous of the boy you brought here the other night, You liked him didn't you?"

You didn't respond, you just stared into his eyes as he spoke.

"I've never been jealous of the others, I always felt that you were doing it for me, putting on a show. I like having you around me, you're so beautiful, the way you let yourself be so vulnerable and open. I wish I could be more like you" 

You couldn't help but let out a little laugh, "it's not so fun being me, I'd be careful what you wish for."

You walked away from him and picked up a glass of wine from the counter. "May I?" He nodded. 

"I'd like it very much if you could teach me how to make you feel like he did."

You swallowed the entire contents of the glass and Tae filled it again.

"You must think I'm a real creep, wanting to watch people have sex."

It was bad business to call people out on their fetishes so you just shook your head no. "People like what they like and nobody should judge them."

He laughed, "Is that the professional answer? I'm lonely Y/N, I lost someone I loved and I haven't been able to be with anyone since. What's your story, what's in this for you?" 

You weren't sure why you were so comfortable with him, his presence just set you at ease. "I needed money and this seemed like a quick and easy fix. That was two years ago. I'm just numb now, I'm sure it's really no worse than selling your soul for an office job." 

He laid his hand on your cheek "But are you happy?"

You shook your head no and he thumbed away the tear that was rolling down your cheek. Instinctively you pulled him closer, you always had the bad habit of returning kindness with sex.

"We don't have to be intimate tonight, I just want to know you." His offer was sweet and as much as you'd love to be on a real date you didn't know how to do that.

 "Tae, I think the best way for us to know each other is to make love. I've wondered what it would be like to be with you since my first visit. "

His cheeks grew pink and he became shy as your hands traveled over his chest.  He placed his hands on top of yours stopping them from moving any further, "I'm scared." 

You moved very slowly and attached your lips to his exposed collar bone. Placing small delicate kisses up his neck you could feel him relax into the moment. "We can take care of each other, I can be everything you need okay?"

He agreed by kissing your lips, it wasn't hard or passionate, it was a hovering kind of kiss that made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. Starting to unbutton his shirt your lips moved over his chest, his hands were tangled in your hair and he pulled your head back to find your mouth. His tongue swiftly found its way past your lips, thank God you were leaning against the island as your make out session was leaving you weak. 

"Tae, can we go to the bedroom?" You asked between kisses. 

"I don't want to make love to you in the same bed you fucked the others in." He took your hand and led you to the open balcony doors.

You had to stop and take in your surroundings, The terrace was huge, luxurious patio furniture adorned the area and there was candle light and music helping to set the stage.

He walked over to the bar and was pouring two glasses of wine when you wrapped your arms around him. Leaning your head against his back you closed your eyes, inhaled deeply and wished really hard for this to be real.

He turned in your embrace and smiled at you giving you a small peck on the lips. You walked over to the railing and took in the view.

 Seoul stretched out before you, it made you sad that only a few privileged people would ever get to see it like this. 

Tae came up behind you and kissed your neck, he slowly undid the back of your dress and slipped his hands in to push the fabric down your legs. He trailed kisses down your back, "I could look at you all day."

You laughed, "I thought we already established that fact. I was hoping for a lot more than watching tonight." 

Turning to face him you got down on your knees and unzipped him. Reaching into his pants you pulled out his already erect cock,  "are you okay, is this alright?" You asked looking up at him.

He gave you a slight nod, knowing you needed to be gentle with him you explored him with your hands. You let your fingertips brush his tip and move down his shaft. Looking up at him, his eyes were closed and his lips were parted, soft breaths escaped as you touched him. Wrapping your hands around his balls you gave them a light squeeze and he moaned loudly, he was ready for more.

Gripping his base firmly you began sliding your hand up and down over his shaft, he was leaning into you hungry for the sensation.  You couldn't take it anymore you needed him in your mouth. You began with your tongue just as you did with your fingers, lightly running it over his head. 

"Please," he begged you.

Obligingly you slid him past your lips. Slowly you moved your mouth in time with your hand, you were so wet and ready for him to be inside you.

He was moaning with this eyes shut tight, "Tae, look at me baby"

He opened them, watching you take him in and it sent him over the edge, he came hard and fast into your mouth.

"I'm so sorry, " he kept apologizing.

"You don't need to be sorry Tae, we have all night,  besides, that kind of was the expected outcome wasn't it?"

Pulling you up from your knees he hugged you and led you to the large lounger.

He took the rest of his clothes off and laid down beside you. His skin was soft and warm and he smelled like lavender.  His tenderness was so strange to you, it was as if he was just taking your presence in by touching every inch of you. His large hands cupped your breasts and he moved his mouth to mark the flesh around them.

"Tae, you make me feel so good." 

He stopped and brought his face up to yours "I want more than that, I want to make you feel happy"

He kissed you passionately and your head was spinning, there was no way this was real, no way he could mean what he was saying, you'd never meant anything to anyone.

 Trapped in your own insecurities you could only offer him what you knew best. "Tae, I need you, please. I can't take another minute without you inside me." 

He seemed hesitant, like he knew that this could possibly be the worst way to connect yourselves.

Not wanting to disappoint you all he could do was treat you better than anyone else ever had, make love to you and try to make you feel special. 

"Are you sure?"

You nodded grabbing his hair to pull him close again. "I need to be connected to you, if you aren't touching me you can't be real."

He understood, he'd spent the last few months not touching you because he was afraid to make you real. He moved his body on top of yours and pushed himself inside you.

The stretch was delicious, you could tell right away that this was going to feel amazing. You were both lost in ecstasy, lifting your leg up he slid deeper inside you hitting you in all the right spots. He was slow and deep, kissing you while he made love to you.

You were sure you could be happy like this forever, you didn't want your mind to think about it, it would only end in disappointment. 

"Are you ok?" He asked "Come back here to me, stop thinking about anything but this" he could read you like a book.

You dug your nails into his back and thrust your hips harder into him, letting yourself finally go, your walls clenched around him as you came in the most pleasurable waves.  He followed right after you as you felt his hot cum slide out of you and down the insides of your thighs.

Collapsing on top of you he kissed your neck and kept saying thank you. You wrapped your arms and legs around each other, each of you afraid that the other would disappear at any moment.

He pulled a blanket over top of you both and you fell asleep for the first time in a long time, happy.  

You woke up to the sound of the city coming alive, horns honking, birds chirping and sunlight trying to nudge your eyes awake. Looking beside you Tae was gone.

Except for you, the balcony and apartment were empty.  All signs of what happened last night other than your dress puddled on the floor were gone.

You walked over to the railing and took a long look at The Han River below, beautiful things like this view and this apartment belonged to people like Tae. No matter how hard you hoped,  you didn't deserve to live like this, you knew you didn't belong here.

You picked up your dress and slid it back on, the note from Tae lay on the floor under the table unnoticed.

Tae: Y/N, I felt so good this morning, better than I have in a long time, Thank You 💜 I went for a run around the river and I'll be back soon. Wait for me and we can shower together, I'll bring back some breakfast.  

You pressed the down button in the elevator and collapsed in the corner crying.

End note: The end of this series depends on YOU! Who do you want Y/N to end up with? Please read Chapter One and comment Tae or Kookie.

[guigz1-coldwar]

'Panic': New chapter for "Redemption in a Spirit in a Cold War" is out !

'Panic'

"Jess Blackwell...but call me 'Bell', it's...nice to meet you, miss Park!"

Chapter Summary: Yirina is still struggling with her mental breakdown, staying hidden in Zasha's apartment, wanting to be better...she just want that...but why everything must be bad for her?

Link of the Picrew used !

To read it on AO3, click here!

Words : +3000

Taglist : @snowgoldwaylon , @clxudtea , @efingart

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July 6th, despite my attempts to get over my mental breakdown, the memory I got back with Freya yesterday didn't really help me at all, seeming that the memories I was recovering were mainly focused on hurting me deep inside of me, slowly taking apart what I'm trying to rebuild: my very life...my memories were coming back but some could make me appeased, some would take that role to destroy me, giving me revelations that I never thought to have but I couldn't fight that fact, they were coming back...but at what price? My sanity? My reason to fight?

The morning when I woke up, I was hoping to find Park on the side of the bed, dressing up in her clothes and giving me a beautiful sight to admire but when my eyes went open on the bed, looking in the direction she was always, she wasn't here at all...she wasn't here. That...it caused me to redress myself on the bed, panicked to that fact, the first time that I woke up alone...since I was in that cell...my arms were like shaking, trying to stop them with my hands, my state not well at all...

"Park?" I tried to call her out, looking around the room even if she wasn't here, gathering the strength I was having at the moment to get up from the bed. "Park?" I repeated, trying to catch my breath before starting to walk towards the door.

Even if I was awake, my vision wasn't actually recovering my sleep, seeing some things around the room blurred, including at some moments my own hands, impossible to look at them perfectly. It was like...something bad was kicking off back inside of me...as someone injected me a needle in the eyes, both at the same time and it prompted me to stop myself near the door as I was having my hands on the handle, blinking a lot with them.

It was slowly reestablishing itself but it wasn't perfect and even with that, I couldn't stay too much on my bare feet, half-dressed with nothing covering my legs and...I decided to open the door of the room to leave it and then, slowly walking inside the hallway of the apartment, linking almost every room of the place, crossing through a few pictures of Zasha, Portnova, Dedov...and me...

"Park?" I spoke up, walking in the direction of the living room, almost shouting out her name widely around, my walk looking like a brainless woman, dragging my bare feet on the ground. "Park?" I asked again, soon entering the living room, wanting to cry as my words weren't answered.

"Yirina," Someone talked in the room, it was Zasha's voice that was sitting on their chair near the diner table, getting up from it to approach. "Yirina, you're alright?" They questioned me, in front of me.

"Where's Park? Where is she?" I demanded, my panic coming back in my voice.

"Hey, calm down, calm down," They advised me, my head feeling dizzy, looking down on the ground as they put their hands on my wrists. "Come and have a seat," They said, making me move to get sit on my own chair at the dinner seat. "Here, slowly..." They guided me to sit down., keeping their hands on me as I was almost unresponsive in my moves.

"Thanks...thanks..." I breathed, my eyes narrowing as I could see with the part of my sight, Zasha going to sit next to me on the chair nearby. "Zed...where's Park?" I asked them.

"Wait, take deep breaths and stay calm above all," They suggested, moving along with their chair to stay near me, putting their hands above my heart and my neck, checking my pulse. "Shit, your heartbeat is very high," They commented, sounding astonished & worried.

"What's..." I was going to ask them what was wrong but I stopped myself, preferring to follow their advice to stay calm, feeling my heartbeat going faster than normal.

"Should calm you a bit," Zasha then moved their hands on the back of my own hands, starting to caressing it in a gentle & friendly way and it was seeming to work, their feeling starting to slow down my heartbeat. "It should be okay, how do you feel?" They questioned me, still caressing my hands in case.

"I'm...I'm better, I think," I told them, my heartbeat not beating like a jackhammer in my chest anymore but my vision wasn't the perfect thing now, still recovering very slowly. "Zed...where is...where is Park?"

"Park? She's not here," They replied to me, making me snort, already sensing a tear going to come out of my eyes. "I'm sorry but...she got to go to Century House in an emergency, it was looking like a big problem," They added, removing their hands from me.

"A problem? What kind of problem?" I asked, taking a breath to look in front of me, seeing an empty white plate with a pack of bread and a strawberry ham near it, making me hungry.

"I don't know, she didn't tell me and she wasn't told about it," They responded, raising their shoulders before they sense that I was going to grab the pack of bread, looking at me extend my right arm in its direction. "Wait, let me help," They proposed, not asking if it was okay for me, taking out of the pack two slices of bread before putting them next to the plate along with the jam that they opened for me.

"And Portnova?" I demanded, not having seen or heard her.

"She volunteered to go with Park earlier this morning as I decided to stay here to wait for you to wake up and see how you were," They revealed to me, my right hand struggling to actually grab up the knife that was near the empty plate as Zasha was looking at me.

"I'm okay, don't worry," I whispered, trying to reassuring them in a low voice as I was grabbing the knife in my hand to pass it inside the jam to put some strawberry on the bread, staying slow in moves. "I'm okay..." I repeated, putting the knife aside before slowly opening my mouth to eat a part of the bread with jam on it, the only thing that was nice in her if we didn't count my state.

"Yirina, you're still facing that breakdown...it's..." Zasha wanted to continue in their words before they stopped themself.

"I know, it's hard," I commented, putting my left arm on the table while holding the bread in my right hand. "Each night & day are the same things: going up, eat alone in the day, watching TV, take a rest, eat with you all, go to sleep with Park, and then, repeat," I resumed basically how my days were now to them.

"I'm sorry about this, we should be with you instead of going to work," They apologized to me, giving me a little smile on my face despite that I was still not well inside of me.

"Yes but...someone has to continue the fight, isn't that true?" I admitted, taking another bite of the bread. "I'm not in the shape to fight but you three are, not me," I continued, lamenting myself.

"But without you, it's...weird...not normal," Zasha avowed, looking at their hands. "Last day, I...stepped inside Park's office and...she was crying, I couldn't talk to her, she's...suffering..." They added, feeling bad in their voice and hearing that...it caused a tear to come out, the first one of the day.

"It's painful for me to hear that, it's not helping," I stated as I was no longer hungry to eat that bread in my hands, putting it back on the plate after eating half of it. "My life is only just a damn lie, the truth trying to show up but it can't," I snorted, passing my hand below my nose before looking at Zasha. "You're here for me, you, Park & Portnova, the only things that weren't a lie before everything,"

"I'm sorry, Yirina," They said, looking down at their feet. "We want you to be better, it's painful for us by a lot, I didn't see you like since a long time," They exclaimed.

"Really?" I looked at them with curiosity.

"Yeah but...I don't think that's a good idea to tell you that now," Zasha gently refused to tell me more even if it could help me to know more about me. "No, I can't tell you, I'm sorry,"  They insisted, having seen my face that wanted to know.

"Presuming that it's bad?" They sadly nodded at my sentence I said, causing me to sigh sadly away. "Resuming my whole fucking life: bad," I sighed for good, shaking my head. "Shot, brainwashed, shot again, having a coma, waking up 3 there years later, not the life I wanted but no choice to do it," I recalled, literally saying what brought me to live again now. "Was I even agreed to get out of it?"

"Yes, because you didn't deserve it at all," They replied, a little smile on their face, moving their right hand on the top of my right one too. "No one wanted this but by the odds, you came back to fulfill your promises, to honor them,"

"I'm doing it because this is what's my life now, protecting my friends & love from any dangers," I asserted, trying to sound positive to me, feeling some pain inside of my chest, causing me to get my left hand above it along with where the pain was. "And of course, I took the risk to rediscover how I was before I was left for dead for the first time," I continued.

"It must be hard for you, I'm sorry..." They apologized again before they decided to get up from their chair.

"It isn't something I don't want you to face, you don't want to see each day your life coming back, discovering with who you were friends with, who was your lover, how your life as a lie & went to shit, you don't want that," I claimed and they nodded at me, understanding that I couldn't let them face that situation in my life...no one can hurt them like that.

"No one wants to face that, no one," They muttered, checking up their hands before moving to grab the black jacket from their chair.

"You're leaving now?" I asked them.

"Yeah...I'm...I'm sorry but I would have like to stay here with you but I'm needed too," They responded to me, putting on their jacket.

"It's okay, I know what to do," I reassured them with a grin before they moved to grab their keys on the table near their empty plate. "I should be fine,"

"Fine," They whispered, walking towards the front door to unlock it. "If you need anything, call us, we'll come quickly," They reminded me about it and I nodded, the phone was just behind me near the main couch of the living room.

"Of course, I will," I muttered as Zasha opened the door widely, avoiding Beans that was going to get out, taking them in their arms.

"Hey, you stay here, can't take you at work, you know that," Zasha said, talking to Beans and holding her like a baby as I slowly got up from my chair, staying carefully to approach them. "Here, go with Yirina," Zasha then gently gave me Beans in my arms, now holding her.

"Don't worry, I'm taking care of her...or taking care of me," I scoffed in a funny tone, even surprising me.

"Okay, later, Yirina, take care & stay safe," Zasha waved at me, using my hands briefly to wave at them too before they closed the door after stepping out of the apartment, hearing the lock through the door, locking it.

I was now alone, ready to get myself into another day of loneliness inside the apartment, having Beans to accompany me in my loneliness despite that she couldn't talk, only hearing me telling her my problems, responding by little meows to me. I let her free softly on the ground before starting my day, going to clean up the diner table of the food that was still on it and the plates, gathering everything to put it back in the kitchen.

Once I was finished cleaning up the dishes, still having Beans around my feet with her meow, checking if she was good in terms of food & water, and filling her bowl for water after I found out that she was missing some, I decided to go inside our bedroom, wanting to get myself changed but that idea, I gave it up rapidly once I was inside the room, knowing that I wasn't going to get outside for a long time...badly...

I was going to leave the room until someone caught my attention on the nightstand of Park's side of the bed, looking like a little note that I wasn't able to see when I woke up this morning, prompting me to look at it and discovering what was marked on it: -Sorry to leave earlier, I was called by the MI6, got a problem to deal with, I'll try to call you today, be well & stay safe, love...- Park

That note was giving me a bit of comfort despite what was happening with her, she was making sure to inform me of why she wasn't going to be there when I will wake up, I shouldn't have panicked like that but...my head was still struggling to regain consciousness of the bloody situation. I then put back the note where it was before heading out of the room to get myself on the main couch of the living room.

There, instead of putting it on the TV to watch it, I wasn't really in the mood to actually look at it, causing me to lie down on the couch, crossing my arms, preferring in fact to already go have a big nap for the remainder of the morning before preparing my lunch for noon. As I was peacefully sleeping on the couch, I suddenly woke up at 11 AM by the sound of a phone ringing near me, causing me to take it.

"Yes?" I said, my voice trying to retrieve its energy.

"It's...me, Yiri...Park," It was Park herself through it, making me smile at hearing her voice now.

"Oh...Park, so nice to hear your voice," I commented, redressing myself on the couch to sit back on it perfectly, staying near the phone.

"Yes, me too," She affirmed, sounding low in her voice. "Listen, I'm sorry about this morning, we've got called and I had to leave quickly for Century House," She apologized, meaning it in the tone she was using.

"It's okay, what was the problem?" I asked her curiously after referring that it was good since I saw that note.

"It's...well, we got the news that Lukas Ritter and this I.B are in England, the MI5 spotted them in London but we lost their tracks since," She revealed to me as it was since days that we were all waiting for this to happen. "And another thing is that a part of Zasha's team's important files about Ritter & Petrov disappeared," She added.

"How's that?" I raised an eyebrow, looking at the shutdown TV.

"Apparently, someone managed to get in, steal those files, and got away without been seen, it happened last night," She replied to me.

"Shit," I cursed, putting my left hand on my face. "So, Perseus somehow succeeded to get inside Century House...fuck..." I cursed again, looking down at my bare feet, thinking about it.

"Yeah, that's pretty fucked up but...I shouldn't stress you too much now," She said, talking mostly about herself. "You're not in shape to work and stressing about it...no, I don't want it," She added, sure of herself

"At least, I'm...I'm aware of what happened," I told her, raising my shoulders and having a little grin forming on my face. "Is...is everything alright?" I asked her, remembering what Zasha told me hours ago

"Uhm...yeah, yeah," She responded but deep inside of me, I could sense the lie in her voice, finding it too hard to believe. "Okay...I'm not...I can't be right," She confessed to me, using the real tone she was hiding. "I'm looking at the seat you're using and...shit, I can't stand it to look at it without you on it for days, now," She affirmed, feeling that she was going to cry.

"I'm sorry, Park, I'm sorry," I apologized for my absence, blaming myself for it. "You would like to be with you but now..." I checked up myself before seeing my hands, my left one slowly trembling. "Uhm...Park..." I tried to say it as it was something that was weird and couldn't control, trying to wrap my right hand around it but it wasn't stopping. "Park!"

"What? What's wrong?" She asked me through the phone as my right hand was joining the shaking, my head trying to freak out.

"Come...come...I'm...shit...please..." I ordered before I inadvertently hang up the phone to its place, losing control of my hands.

In a panic, feared, I decided to got up from the couch, needing to join up my bed as I was feeling that I couldn't stay on the couch, trying to struggle to fight what was hurting me inside of my head, my chest hurting me and my heartbeat...starting to go faster like it did earlier this morning, no one able to calm it down as I was slowly walking towards our bedroom, needing to lay down.

Then, I started to hear voices inside my ears but it was impossible to actually recognize them perfectly, all muffled and talking at the same time with everyone...it was impossible to stop them, even my hands covering my ears weren't stopping as I was walking, leaned against the wall to find something to hold me back before I opened the door of the room, the voices becoming clear but still unrecognizable.

'You're one of us'...' You're belonging to us'...' We end the asset'...' You're going back home'...that what I was hearing clearly, trying to remember who tell what but now, I was trying to control myself until one clear voice came in...Stitch's voice, his own voice...in my head, getting louder & louder than the others...until he tells it...inside my head...

"We've got a job to do!" That is what I heard and at this moment, I couldn't resist anymore in my moves, causing me to fall on my back on the bed, starting to convulse on it, impossible to control it, my eyes slowly shutting as the only thing I was seeing in my sight...was Park herself storming in the room...impossible to see how she was...

It was impossible to see her too...and then, my eyes closed...