#*insert leitner rant here*

[yourfaveisworsethanaworm]

jurgen leitner from the magnus archives is worse than a worm!

[rustyelias]

STUPID IDIOT MOTHERFUCKER BERTRAND MACGUFFINGHAM GOD DAMN-

HELLO PEASANTS. My name is Sir Bertrand MacGuffingham and I am the heir to the House of MacGuffingham (that's how I got my name) and I have wonderful golden hair and a piercing gaze, and a lot of people tell this random mime called Quiet Simon that he looks like me (if you don't know who he is, you are correct). I'm not related to Edward Keystone, and I'm glad I'm not, because he's a "major fucking hottie", hrmmm. I am a swordsman with a particular hatred of tables. I'm also a mercenary with an esteemed group called The London Rangers (We're Still Working On A Name), where I cleave things in two (such as tables). I'm upper class (in case you couldn't tell, which is pathetic. Do better.) and I wear exclusively gold. I love high end merchants and, obviously, buy all of my clothes from there. For instance, today I was wearing full-plate armor absolutely covered in falcons, just, loads of falcons. I was carrying Brutor in a papoose, and he was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was walking outside La Triomphe. I failed to perceive the weather and therefore assumed it was a nice day, which I was very happy about. A bunch of poor people stared at me. I put my middle finger up at them.

[somanyfuckedupiftruebooks]

Mag 35

Blorbo's back!!! Time to be unhinged again!!!!

Big Sebastian Skinner energy coming from Alf right now. Is this just what all plumbers are like in TMA?

Teen Gerry Teen Gerry Teen Gerry 😍🥰😍🥰😍🥰🥰😍😍😘

Ahh, the era when his most notable feature was his terribly maintained hair and not his dozens of unsettling eye tattoos or horrific burn scars. At least he did a decent job on the dye this time. And Gerry my beloved, I get the temptation to avoid washing your hair to keep the dye from fading for as long as possible, but it's probably worth it to just invest in some better quality shampoo.

I'm pretty sure the band shirt he's wearing is supposed to be Mastodon, but Megalodon and Megadeath and also good guesses. Everyone who thinks it's the Mechanisms is a genius with a galaxy brain.

My man be hiding in the shadows for indeterminate amounts of time, waiting for his opportunity to be cryptic.

Hmmm... for some reason this description forgot to mention that he has the world's shittiest beard get away from me?

Extremely funny that Leitner is established to have an accent in canon and then later it gets retconned that he was just faking it (I guess because Mr Sims Sr couldn't do a decent Norwegian accent?) Also great that his office is completely empty because Leitner doesn't actually do anything other than be a waste of space.

First canon appearance of the man himself and he immediately goes about establishing that he's a massive cunt. [Insert entire Leitner rant here.]

Who are you calling a burnout? 😠

Big fan of the statement-giver trying to kick Gerry out (good luck) while being undermined by Rachel the Treasure Hunter over here like 'You tellin me there's good shit down in this basement?? Lead the way my dude.'

'I was so mesmerised by the smell of paper that I let a random kid steal my tools and go to town on the wall. Oops.'

Fuck! Yes! King! Smash that wall!! You're so strong and pretty, you can do whatever you want. I don't even care about you endangering these people.

His mom knows about mysterious basement renovations, obviously.

I love that he just sits and unhelpfully listens to music while the adults are talking. Classic teens, amiright??

All of them are insane for deciding to explore the walled up tunnel that screams at you when you open it. (Except for you Gerry, you're a treasure and we're thrilled to have you here with us.) Another instance of people being doomed by their desire to know.

[m0ther-of-p3arl]

hi i finished tma season 1

IM GONNA THROW UP NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO

WHY HER WHY SASHA WHY MSUT THEY DO THIS WHY MY WIFE WHY WHY N OOOOOOO

THAT IS NOT MY SASHA THAT IS NOT MY WIFE WHAT THE FUCK GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!!! SHE DIDNT EVEN EAT ANY NOTEBOOKS MAN WHY SHED GET GRAHAM'D!!!! IM GONNA CRY THATS NOT HER THATS NOT HER THATS NOT HER WHAT THE HELL "yes." YOU ARE NOT MY BELOVED GET OUT

THAT FUCKING TABLE ISTG I HATE IT I HATE IT IM GONNA HIT IT WITH TWELVE BILLION METAL PIPES WHY DIDNT JON BREAK IT YOUUU FUUUUUUCKKKK THIS IS NOT A COINCIDENCE NO WAY THAT TABLE ISNT RELATED TO WHATEVER THIS REPLACEINATOR IS. IS IT THE SAME CREATURE THAT SKEDADDLED INTO GRAHAMS FLAT????? WHY DOES NO ONE SEE ANYTHING WRONG W SASHA THAT IS SO OBLIVIOUSLY NOT HER

the worms the worms the worms ... worm wife ..... the screamerrrrrrrrrrr the wormerrrrrrrrrrr

tim is so silly i love him tbh. my man (presumably) took off his pants in the middle of a wormpocalypse. thanks buddy. he should be high on co2 more often."statement of joe spooky... regarding mysterious happenings..." silly guy silly guy (the horrors) "im fine though. except for the holes. and the pain. and the blood. and the nightmares. couldve been worse though, eh?" u need 12 diff types of therapy now buddy

MARTIN is quite silly too i like him a lot ... erm i think he might actually be a ghost Jon was onto something (silly). jons still such a hater STOPPP HES JUST OUT HERE VIBING... HE SOUNDED SO SAD AND SCARED :( i want to hug him please "im sorry i left you" .. i know what you are

why was Gertrudes body just There btw. what the fuck. shes just been there??? man imagine ur running from The Worms and then BOOM random dead body of the old Archivist HELLO?? AND SHE WAS SHOT??? NO SPOOKY SCARIES ?? JUST GOOD OL GUNS??

i looked it up. the missing cases. have sashas voice. and the homophobic vase statement. im going actually going to be sick. wdym "Evelyn Hewett as Not!Sasha" GOODBYE I HATE EVERYTHING

they all sound so tiiired :[

SORRY TO RANT IN YOUR INBOX BTW IM JUST. NEED TO SCREAM. GOING INSANE

AND SORRY FOR ALL THE CAPS IIIIIMM

I NEED TO BE LOBOTOMIZED RIGHT NOW WHYYYY

AAAAAAH I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO RESPOND TO UR RANT IN EVERY POINT IN ITS ENTIRETY BUT REST ASURED IVE READ THE WHOLE THING AND IM

FUCKKK YESSSSSSSSSS

i knew you'd like tma. i fucking KNEW it. and it only gets worse from here hehehehhe so watch out >:3 and THEN u have to listen to protocol.... fuck yes.........

YOURE CATCHING ON TO SO MUCH OF THE LORE STuFF THO GOOD JOB U UNDERSTAND IT SO MUBH BETTER THAN I DID MY FIRST LISTEN LOL

yea sasha.... oof....... bro got graham'd as u said :3

tim.... auauuaauua a fandom favorite. ofc. the lovely. i have so much to say aobut tim and what a [insert adjectvie that i cant say cos spoilers] character he is but i CANT cos again SPOILERS........

martin is so lovely. i love that man. gorgeous ass lovely human. honestly one of the best characters (but jon's my fave im a jon girlie)

THE HOMOPHOBIC VASE LMAO yes. also. have u heard the jurgen leitner rant?? id save it til after u finish s2 but it is definitely something that every tma fan should memorize.

jurgen leitner?! stupid idiot motherufkcing jurgen leitner god damn fool book collecting dust eating rat old bastard shithead idiot avatar of teh whore, biggest clown in the circus laughed out of town, cowboy motherfucker jurgen leitner (etc etc. this goes on for about 4 paragraphs.)

I RELALY APPRECIATE U RANTING IN MY INBOX. BECAUSE U STARTED LISTENINT TO TMA COS OF ME. ITS LIKE MY HARD WORK IS ALL PAYING OFF. IVE INDOCTRINATED U INTO THIS STUPID FUCKING PODCAST.

dw it destroys everyone. makes everyone go insane. i had the Exact Same Reactions on my second listen ;-; it's a podcast and a half tbh. fucking amazing.

[chrisis-averted]

Retainer

(insert Jurgen Leitner rant here)

[aladywithabat]

guess who got piped!!!

in dishonour of his death, i finally inked the best (and only) drawing ive made of him

[welcometogrouchland]

My pitch for the tma Christmas special Jonny and Alex joke about in one of the Q and As is as follows:

Annabelle is the narrator connecting the bits, rhyming “twas the night before Christmas” style

Nikola posing as a mall Santa to scare children. Breekon and Hope are dressed as elves

An eye-alligned statement about a child overcome with paranoia at the thought of Santa watching their every move to determine whether or not they are naughty or nice.

Martin shopping for a gift for Jon but being unable to find anything that can't be associated with the entities in some way. He is accompanied by the rest of the archival gang (aka Tim, Sasha) who suggests the worst possible gifts on purpose.

A buried themed statement about the terror of Christmas shopping. both the pressure of finding the right gift and the literal sensation of being suffocated by crowds of shoppers

a Christmas carol parody- in which Jon falls asleep at his desk after staying late at work, despite it being Christmas eve. he is greeted by the “Ghosts” of Gertrude, Gerry and...idk Leitner?? all of whom detail the miserable Christmases they’ve had, lost in their work on the entities

Gerry cautions Jon to at least try and enjoy the holidays, Jon wakes up, realizes the true meaning of Christmas, throws his phone into the ocean and starts running towards the airport (or rather, martin), etc etc

avatar holiday party hosted at the institute that goes horribly wrong, set from Rosie's POV as she watches the chaos unfold.

Melanie at a bar with Daisy and Basira getting Christmas drinks, with Melanie complaining about Georgie being busy. the bit is quick, ending when the trio realizes that the band about to do a cover of The Ramones “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want To Fight)” is in fact Grifter’s Bone. insert joke here about not getting a day off on the holidays

The penultimate segment is an episode of What the Ghost! In which Georgie attempts her usual spooky fair, but laments not being able to spend it with Melanie, busy on the grind (mattress ads).

speaking of ads, they’re egregious this episode, finally causing Georgie to break, ranting about how Christmas shouldn't be the commercial juggernaut it is today, but an honest religious tradition, a simple time to spend with those you love. This last comment has Georgie trailing off, before signing off abruptly, audibly running out of the room

the finale is where all our unrelated bits converge:

Martin, Tim and Sasha go shopping for gifts at the same shopping center where Nikola is terrorizing children 

the two statement givers from before are there as well (one is currently being crushed under a fallen display while the other is in line to meet Nikola Claus)

Tim sees Nikola and it’s on SIGHT. the parents are horrified as he destroys the display and violently attacks what they thought was Santa Claus but the kids think he’s a hero

the girls show up from the bar where they may or may not have made a row about a fake fire to get the bar to evacuate, which then escalated into a real fire

Jon and Georgie burst in at almost the exact same moment, awkwardly acknowledge each other, respectfully giving the other the space to have their Big Romantic Hallmark Movie Moment

martin realizes he still hasn’t found a gift for Jon, when Jon says he doesn’t care about trivial material things, he’d be happy if martin had just written him a poem, honestly

martin, who has spent the last month writing about candle-lit windows and sparkling snowfall in the city and the orange glow of streetlights on his boyfriend’s face: uhhhh funny you mention that-

martin’s poem blends in with annabelle’s narration as she addresses us, announcing how she set everything up to happen from the start, it was her all along, also maybe the non-canoncial aspect is explaine by her looking into other realities via the crack in hilltop road. she wishes us all a very scary christmas and launches the tape into the void, presumably to entrap more people into the web’s seasonal scheming

this post is too long and sincere to even constitute a joke and i’m ashamed of it. genuinely apologizing for putting this on your dash. happy holidays.

[straighttma]

Leitner collecting cursed books and trying to contain them is framed as something good and heroic. The main characters probably look up to him since he's "defeating evil and making the world a better place"

(This hurt to write. I thought I was immune since I've just read through this entire blog, but I was wrong. [Insert Leitner rant here])

Pain is inescapable even from those who inflict it, tumblr user therandomravenclw

[mothpawbs]

I'm on The Librarian in my relisten and yeah I hate Jurgen Leitner so much, pathetic, pompous little bitch. Insert Leitner rant here.

[fabaceaeae]

can I just say that I'm really glad Jonny decided to go with Jurgen Leitner instead of Jürgen because of the connotation each name has for me:

Jurgen: never knew anyone with that name before, posh and self-absorbed bastard with a background in academia now (insert Leitner rant here)

Jürgen: he's friends with your dad, known for opening beer bottles with his teeth and owning a car trailer he lets all of his friends borrow. Legend says he's never been seen without a football jersey on. The only thing worse than his puns are his teeth.

[nyxserpent]

I'm trying to at least be closer to the end of The Magnus Archives before the last episode comes out so I'm listening to it while prepping things for supper tonight (yes it's only just past noon right now as I type, but peeling 5lbs each of potatoes and carrots got me through an episode and a half)

I'm currently halfway through the last episode of season 2. And I just-

JURGEN LEITNER? MOTHERFUCKING JURGEN LEITNER??? THIS FUCKER'S HUBRIS OH MY FUCKING GOD

*insert Leitner Rant here*

(it's two links, one with the text one with a dramatic reading)

...like, I knew this bastard was coming, I really haven't given a fuck about if I saw spoilers for this but listening to him explain how he thought he could control the books and be seen as the savior of the world

*wanders off still bitching "STUPID GODDAMN AVATAR OF THE WHORE-"

[illusion-of-death]

For the CR asks, what about 21-26 (favorite PC, NPC, and villains from both campaigns)?

Ooh this is really tough but:

PCs

C1—Keyleth. Her story really resonates with me for a lot of personal reasons, and also she had some of the best moments of the campaign imo (Feebleminding Raishan and the infamous goldfish incident come to mind). I also really enjoyed Percy’s arc, but didn’t find it nearly as relatable for obvious reasons.

C2—Yasha. To be fair I was immediately biased for both her and Molly as someone who has spent over a decade performing in a circus (and was still there when the campaign started), but still the more we learn about her character the cooler she gets. Beauregard and Caduceus are also definitely up there.

NPCs

C1—Gilmore. He’s absolutely glorious, and as a commonly reoccurring character has had a lot of time to develop a very strong relationship with Vox Machina. Allura comes in as a very close second for a lot of the same reasons.

C2—Dairon. Matt Mercer said (and continues to say) NB rights and also Dairon’s just an absolute badass. I can’t wait to see how their dynamic with Beau continues to evolve. Second shoutout to Allura because I can and I still love her.

Villains

C1—probably the Briarwoods? I admittedly don’t remember as much about their arc as I probably should but I remember loving it, and Silas showing up at the post-campaign wedding was fantastic. Bonus points for being vampires because that is very Aesthetique.

C2—does it count as a favorite if I absolutely despise him? Because Trent Ikithon. *insert entirety of Jurgen Leitner rant here* This is absolutely not a controversial opinion which I think just goes to show how universally despised this dude is, and that in and of itself is a sign of some pretty fantastic characterization. The scale of the influence he has over the campaign is so big we probably haven’t even seen all of it yet and from a storytelling perspective I find that absolutely fascinating.

Thanks for asking!!

[disastergenius]

Finished S2 on my relisten

Onto Season 2! I remember thinking that the plot started dragging a little, since we start out strong with the initial exploration of the tunnels and then go back to the Monster of the Week format, and I was now invested in the mystery solving. But it works significantly better for the story and it was the right choice, and it definitely is more fun in retrospect to be able to put all the pieces together.  

E42: Grifter’s Bone freaks me out because the idea of listening to something by choice or unwittingly and then permanently being affected. i mean, that’s just how music works in a way, but now its Sinister. 

E43: Section 31 big fan of early Basira and Frank Voss, their voice is so nice

E44: ooh set up to the Unknowing; every single Circus statement just has such a terrifying undertone before they get really bad

I think I’m in the minority of Magnus fans that isn’t obsessed with Michael? Like I understand that he is fascinating but also I don’t really like him?? I don’t know why???

i think i don’t enjoy any statements to do with Robert Smirke and his weird architecture? I dont know why but i lose focus during them. maybe because i hate buildings that don’t make sense because i have quite a tendency to get lost, so this almost annoys me more than it scares me

E52: Exceptional Risk full confession is that I am really bad at remembering when statements have names that are the same, so I don’t always get it when they are connected immediately but once i do realize, they make good statements and good linking for the story

E57: Personal Space I love this statement so much even though it terrifies me

E59: Recluse always enjoy a Hill Top Road statement, there’s so much that goes on and i really want more of the various happenings there

E61: Hard Shoulder i hate Daisy so much sometimes but her statements are good and her voice is really nice (thank you Fay Roberts!)

E62: First Edition love the dynamic here it’s so fun

E65: Binary freaked me out the first time and still freaks me out now, something about the imagery of the broken computer and the shards and pain 

E67: Burning Desire first mystery episode i really got into that has good payoff

E68: The Tale of a Field Hospital i did not appreciate this statement the first time i heard it, thought it was weird and did not enjoy. on the relisten it is incredible at reimagining things that are Just Slightly Off

E69: Thought for the Day first Annabelle Cane statement! it’s wild and i hated it the first time i listened to it but its such a good statement

E70: Book of the Dead is such a good concept, terrifying thank you

E72: Takeaway I hate every single Flesh statement related to the Hans because 1. creepy 2. imagery is the worst in my head 3. somewhat racist and i hate it (sorry for the discourse but god it’s so bad)

E72: Police Lights maybe one of my favorite small details between the Callum Brodie connection to learning about both his parents and then later his own fear domain

E74: Fatigue too relatable

all the Not!Them statements are scary to me because the idea that a monster can just slip in and recreate reality without anyone knowing is so awful and scary to me because you would just have to question everything but you would never know to even start

my favorite theory ive seen is that the Not!Them keeps the witness as someone who is close to having a connection to that person, so close but maybe not quite, and that’s what makes you question it more, because it’s a memory of what you could have had all the time but you don’t know why

E80: The Librarian *insert Jurgen Leitner rant* 

[extended sounds of brutal pipe murder] 

Whoo ready for Season 3! 

[hikari-hellspawn]

Goddamn Jurgen Leitner motherfucking book-hoarding idiot son of a bastard--

[insert the rest of the Leitner rant here]

thinking about how jurgen leitner went to all the trouble of adding his nameplate to the books, he literally could have added an actual warning to all of them. just a little ‘this book will make you burst into flames’ or w/e. instead, everyone had to re- figure out what each book does from trial and error because this dumb motherfucker apparently thought that he personally would be able to talk to anyone who got too close to one i fucking guess.