#*guys guess we gotta ban someone*

[inbabylontheywept]

The Motherfucking Lizard King

No one at work trusts my boss. 

He's smart. He works hard. He's not trustworthy. He hasn't actually fucked anyone at work over, but he's ruined his last two marriages with affairs, and got dumped by his third fiance when he wouldn't sign a prenup. The fact that we all know this is just a hazard of working in a small town. 

Anyway: The thought process of the people in the lab is that if he screwed over his first wife, and his second wife, and was probably planning on screwing over his third wife, it would be insane for him not to screw us over. After all, what kind of idiot treats their employees better than their spouse? 

I dunno. His kind, I guess? He's had a few chances to fuck us over, and he hasn't taken them. Opposite really. When our parent company was doing furloughs, he stayed in the office almost a hundred hours, talking and talking and talking his way up the corporate ladder. And in the end, no one at our site got furloughed. 

He's pulled strings like that before. And it baffles me, right? Because it really does make zero sense. He'll move the heavens and the earth for us, but his wife and kids are afterthoughts. It feels like any moment, he's going to look into the mirror and realize how stupid that is. It feels like I'm betting on him making the same stupid mistake again, and again, and again - like it would be less cynical to believe he was, eventually, going to stab me in the back. But he hasn't yet, and as far as I can tell he's been making that mistake for close to fifteen years, and it's already cost him everything it can. If he was going to learn, he would have by now. 

So my position on him is that if he wanted to date someone I cared about, I'd warn them off. I don't trust him there. But I tentatively trust him to be my boss. Maybe one day he'll stick the knife in and twist, and everyone will say Ah, Babs, we warned you, but for now, I accept that he's doing a very predictable, very irrational thing, and I've made my peace with it. 

---

My job has glue traps. 

No one likes the glue traps, but we don't have a lot of options. Poison's banned by state law, spring traps are banned by company safety, and several non-lethal options tried in the past failed to work. The mouse problem can get pretty bad if it's ignored, and there's some real health hazards in that. Our site has never had a positive hantavirus test, thank God, but the big base about a half hour away has. That guy's gonna be on oxygen the rest of his life. 

If a mouse gets caught, we just euthanize it. But more than mice get stuck. Lizards can wander into those traps too, and the people working there have different feelings about the lizards. They don't pose nearly the same kind of risk mice do. They're chill little guys, and they keep the moths away, and they're just 

You know. They're friendly. There's something to be said about walking into a room, and hitting the light switch, and seeing two little guys on the wall start to do pushups as soon as they see you. 

People used to just euthanize the lizards too, but I had pet leopard geckos as a kid and I couldn't take that so I wound up googling how to free animals from glue traps. Now, when a lizard gets stuck in a trap - which happens once or twice a week - I get some vegetable oil from the breakroom, and a little plastic fork, and I'll spend fifteen to twenty minutes just kind of gently prying the little guys out. 

I have a team of technicians that help me operate one of the larger machines. They're real blue collar guys, ex-airforce, and they make me look like a little kid. Being an engineer means they'll look to me as a leader sometimes, which is a wild experience. And I started helping the lizards for my own conscience, but one of the crazier consequences of it has been that it seriously boosted my leadership cred. Because those guys see me, and they go: Hey. If he's willing to fight for a lizard, he's gotta be willing to fight for me. 

I cannot overstate how nice that is. Most engineers that want to make a change to a maintenance practice, or try an upgrade, they have to work their asses off to get the techs to buy in. But I can just ask. They already trust me to do good. They know I'm new, and they know I'm not the smartest engineer in the building, but they also know I'm the one who gets lizards out of the glue traps. 

And just because of that, they're willing to follow me. 

---

My boss has a meeting every month or two. It's typically basic house cleaning stuff - reminders about routines we've gotten lazy on, and updates on future projects. Maybe some warnings about problems coming from higher up in the company.

People are, in my opinion, a bit too cynical about the meetings. It stems from people not trusting our boss, which again, I understand, because it would make so much more sense if he wasn't trustworthy. It's a testament to the man's incredibly unhealthy priorities that he is. But as we made it to the end of the meeting, one of bullet points was: 

Do NOT mess with animals in the building. 

So I looked at my techs, and they looked at me, and when he got to the point, he was so scathing I actually just wanted to crawl under a rock and die. He said basically that he'd heard some reports about someone in the building handling animals that found their way in and got stuck, and that he just wanted to emphasize how insanely inappropriate that was, not to mention dangerous, and that if he needed to speak to anyone about it again, there would be severe consequences. 

I was willing to just take the shame and move on. I was. But one of my techs is old. Old enough he could've retired two years ago. And his actual literal goal is to one day get angry, yell at someone, and storm out. That's how he wants to retire. So instead of biting his tongue like everyone else, he stood up and said: I hate the glue traps. You hate the glue traps. We all hate glue traps. But we've all sat here for years, ignoring the little things that get stuck in them, watching them die, and then Bab's comes in, and he is the first person in decades to give enough of a shit to start pulling the lizards out. And I don't want him to stop. 

Get humane traps or shut up but we are not going back to the old way of just letting things starve. 

And my boss actually froze up. He got all wide eyed and stared at Marc, and then the other techs jumped in, and there was a very small but intense rebellion in the meeting and my boss kept trying to interrupt while getting absolutely bowled over by this gang of angry middle aged air force vets, and eventually he just went 

I will speak with Babylon about this afterwards! After! And then he will speak with everyone else, but I have more points to cover. 

So they went silent, and my boss rushed through the last five minutes, and we all adjounred. The techs really didn't like that I was going in alone - they thought our boss was going to try and shout me into compliance. Marc in particular was like, Look, if he tries bullying you, stand your ground, and if he threatens anything, just come get us, and we'll give him hell. 

So armed with that, I went to my boss's office. I sat in the chair across from him, and he kept his composure for maybe five seconds before just flopping back into his chair. 

I had no idea you were saving lizards, he said, but I'm glad you are. I always hated seeing them die in the glue.  

I wasn't expecting that. I was about to ask him what the comment from the meeting was about then, but he answered that before I even got the chance.

A snake got into the building last week, and - someone picked it up and chased a coworker around. Turns out that coworker was severely afraid of snakes, and now it's a shitshow. We're a small site, and now I can't ask those two to work together anymore, to say nothing about how the snake fared after all that. Being upset about that is a reasonable thing, right? 

And he gave me a look like he actually wanted an answer, so I said Yeah, totally, chasing a coworker around with a snake is a dick move. Especially if that coworker is already afraid of snakes. 

And he said Exactly! and then we sat there a few moments longer. He looked so incredibly tired that I did, actually, feel kind of bad for him. And then he somehow managed to sink even further into his chair, and said

Look, I know I'm not a good guy. But I'm not evil. I'm not some sort of crazy asshole that's going to demand that everyone watch lizards starve to death. When you go back downstairs, could you try to pass that on? That I'm not evil? 

I said Sure because it wasn't a hard request, and he looked relieved. I actually made it halfway out before I realized I had a question. 

Who grabbed the snake? I asked. 

Not supposed to talk about it, he said. But whoever comes to mind first is probably right. 

ThatGuy? I asked. And he looked me in the face, nodded his head yes, and said No. 

---

The techs seemed a little disappointed that they didn't get to storm the boss's office, but were otherwise in good spirits. They were actually a little bit embarrassed to hear about the snake story - apparently, it wasn't much of a secret. It'd just slipped their minds because it happened three weeks ago. 

We did maintenance after that, the same basic repairs we did every week. The meeting had been stressful and it was a relief to work with my hands. When the parts were reinstalled, everything cleaned and smooth and ready to go, Marc found me again. 

You know what the lesson of today is? he asked. And there were quite a few answers to that that I could have taken - from don't assume the worst of people to be careful with how you spend your trust - we all need it more than we think. 

But instead I said what? because I wanted to hear what his answer was going to be. 

That I got your back, he said. Then he clapped one very, very large hand on my shoulder, gave it a good squeeze, and walked back to dosimetry lab.

---

The next day, Marc gave me a package and told me to open it in my office. I was suspicious, but I followed the request.

Cardboard gave way to a small baggie, obviously full of fabric, which opened to reveal a t-shirt that read

"I Am the Motherfucking Lizard King."

I looked at it, I loved it, and then I got an idea. I went to my boss's office and knocked on the door. When he opened it, I asked him if he would be willing to allow something very unprofessional to happen for morale building purposes.

How unprofessional? he asked. I held the shirt up in answer. He gave the shirt a short look over and snorted.

You can wear it on weeks without customers, he said. Which just so happened to include that week.

I'll pass on that it came with your blessing, I replied, and he looked oddly relieved.

Thanks, he said. And then I went downstairs.

---

The techs were very, very happy to see the shirt. And while my boss's reputation remains in tatters, and probably will be until he moves (or dies), the next time there was a meeting, there was quite a bit less complaining about how mere presence. Which is, I guess, a start.

We'll see if he squanders it.

[guillotinna]

I keep seeing these Gen z is task force 141 and I wanna join

Anytime you use a computer, you do that stupid movie hacker trope of exaggerated typing and say "I'm in"

Saying "POV" in front of sentences

In the group chat saying "1 like and I'll kms", liking your own message and then saying "damn guess I gotta"

I see a lot of these posts were Gaz and Soap would understand y/n....bffr, no those geezers would not

No one knows what the gen z kid is saying they just know it's probably not good

"You're telling me a shrimp fried this rice?"

You have a small photo you keep tucked in your chest pocket and after enough times seeing you looking lovingly at it, one of the guys asks who it is. Is it a s/o from back home? 😏😏

You say no and pull out a photo card of your fave singer and they're like ??? Really

One time during a particularly physical scuffle with the enemy, you get thrown to the ground and huff out "one hop this time" only to promptly tackle tf outta your assailant while saying "take it back now yall"

Reads everyone's zodiac charts except ghost bc he won't tell his birthday let alone the time he was born so you just make one up

Price calls a 6 am meeting to which you say "double it and give to the next person"

*Alexa, play teenagers by MCR*

If you had time describe the base, you'd say it smells like ball sweat, blood and war crimes which everyone took offense to for different reasons

Would absolutely get soaps doodles tattooed

Actually speaking of which, imagine getting caught giving yourself stick and pokes with a pen and being banned from using pens period

You'd be in a meeting with a #2 pencil

Ofc a gen z member would be absolutely feral which very little regard for their own safety much to the dismay of the others

Quoting "Oh these aren't homemade, they were made in a factory....a bomb factory......they're bombs." All the time around soap even though he has no idea what you're talking about

You don't spent too much alone time with ghost bc he likes quiet and you can't be alone with your thoughts which is why you lean more towards spending time with soap or gaz

I just like puns so I'm gonna add this but gen z love borgs (a customized gallon jug of alcohol that is usually given a name) and yours is appropriately named taskforce 1-borg-1

this is mainly for my americans but i know pretty much the whole world got beef with engl*nd: before you met Soap, you thought the entire 141 was en*lish so when you finally did meet him, you said "oh thank god" with a sigh

americans 🤝 scotts

making fun of english "people"

"Pull up in the monster, automobile gangsta With a bad bitch that came fr-" "....sergeant, comms off please"

you show Ghost WAP and he has to take a walk

*price yelling at gaz and soap*: KYLE GARRICK AND JOHN MACTAVISH GET IN HERE- Y/n: oop not the government name

Another for my US baddies: if your'e ever arguing with any of the guys, the nail in the coffin would be "and it's called soccer"

"one more like and i'll-" "enough!"

you call Price "ms. girl" and he could not be more confused

someone asks "do you serve?" and u reply "yah, serve cunt"

when asked why you decided to join the military you said something like: "well i didnt think i'd live past 18 so when I did, i ended up here".....crickets from the rest of the team

"good thing we only have showers on base because i would have already taken a toaster bath by now"

ask Gaz "no bitches?🤨" one more time see what happens

price: the enemies have taken civvies hostage and blocked off all exits and entrances to the town-" y/n: "omg tea"

Also calling price "capt. Save-a-hoe"....I wanna be saaaavvveddd ;)

If you took a shot every time you said "rest in peace to all the soldiers that died in the service, I dive in her cervix", you'd be dead lmao

When asked if they like the military they'd say "it was either this or the psych ward so yah, I'll take it"

Quoting MPGIS constantly and no one even sort of knows what that is ("Crack. Is that what you smoke? You smoke crack?")

Some detainee being interrogated is spilling some nonsense, so you hit them with "oh brother this guy stinks!" And then with the butt of your gun

"Little bad trini bitch but she mixed with China, real thick vagina, smuggle bricks to-" "SARGENT ENOUGH"

Falling asleep on team mates (minus ghost's) shoulders mostly because the most peace they get is when you're unconscious

*when y/n hears any slightly suggestive/dirty phrase*: what are we talking about 😏 (iykyk)

Same energy as: " born next to a nuclear power plant, has an IQ of 2 and was hit in the head with several Rocks as a child"

Vine quotes out the wazoo, it's just awful for the rest of the team lmao

Replying to everything with "on god?"

soap: "what are you 6?" y/n: "yah 6 inches deep in your mom".....you did not walk away from that unscathed to say the least...worth it tho

[in1-nutshell]

HELLO HELLOOOOO THIS HAS BEEN STUCK IN MY HEAD FOREVER BUT IVE GOT 2 ASKS, OBVIOUSLY U CAN DO ONE OR THE OTHER IDC BUT COULD WE GET TO SEE MORE RUMBLE TERRAN BUDDY FROM TFE OR TFA BUMBLEBEES TWIN BUT ITS SENTINALS REACTION TO THEIR NAME?? LIKE SENTINALS CALLIN FOR EM AND THEY STICK UP FOR THEMSELVES SAYING THEIR NAME IS BUDDY OR SUM ONE OR THE OTHER I DON'T MIND!! THANKS SO MUCH :]]

We are going with Bot Buddy Rumble today!

Hope you enjoy!

Bot Buddy who has the personality of Rumble: Slice of Life

SFW, Platonic, Familial, Cybertronain (terran) reader

TFE

… They had gone into healing stasis for 3 days!

3 DAYS!

SO MANY THINGS HAD HAPPENED!

And now they have 3 more siblings.

…

Welp, family is family.

Buddy welcomes them with open servos when they get the story.

Hashtag, Nightshade and Jawbreaker were excited to find out they had another sibling.

Hashtag picking up Buddy by the waist.

“So, your our other sibling?”--Hastag

Buddy squirms a bit in her grip.

“And you’re the new sibs?”--Buddy

Nightshade and Jawbreaker wave at Buddy.

Buddy crosses their arms looking at the three.

Then they smile at them.

“Guess there’s 3 more sibs I gotta look out for then. Hope you guys don’t give me as much trouble as these four.”--Buddy

“Hey!”—Robby, Mo, Thrash, and Twitch

Nightshade raises their servo.

“Umm, Buddy quick question.”--Nightshade

Hashtag puts Buddy down.

“Sure.”--Buddy

“Why were you in healing stasis in the first place?”--Nightshade

“… I’ll tell you when you’re older.”--Buddy

“Aren’t we around the same—”--Nightshade

“WHEN YOUR OLDER!”--Buddy

To try and get more sibling bonding time they tried different games.

Board games and obstacle courses were good for a while before they started getting bored.

They needed a challenge.

“We can always play hide and seek.”--Buddy

“Buddy we can’t play that game.”--Robby

“Not if we set clear boundaries. If we do that, we can play better.”--Buddy

“I want to play!”--Hashtag

“Me too!”--Nightshade

“Me three!”--Jawbreaker

“Me four!”--Thrash

“Thrash!”--Mo

“Majority vote wins! Let’s do this!”--Buddy

Meanwhile with Bumblebee…

Bee looks around.

“…Somethings just happened and I don’t like it…”--Bumblebee

So, the games began.

The reluctant Maltos had to agree that playing the game was fun and could even be training if they tried hard enough.

And as always, Buddy is the last one to be found.

…

Robby and Mo suddenly remember why the game was banned.

It’s a farm wide search for Buddy.

Robby and Mo try to use their cybersleeves to find Buddy.

“Isn’t that cheating?”--Jawbreaker

“Not when it doesn’t work.”--Robby

“I still can’t get anything!”--Mo

“Its like they aren’t even on the farm anymore.”--Robby

“They couldn’t have gone far. Let’s spread out!”--Twitch

Hashtag was constantly being used as a pole for the others to search.

Nightshade is flying around with Twitch trying to find Buddy.

Jawbreaker is looking with Thrash and Mo in the fields.

Meanwhile with Buddy…

They wanted to get a bit creative with their hiding places and decided to hide in Dad 1 car.

Buddy was still within the boundaries of the property, so it was okay.

But of course, they chose the day he had to go into town.

So, they just stayed in the car hidden from view and just listened to tunes the entire time, even taking a nap.

Alex came back into the car singing a tune he had in his head.

Buddy slowly lifts their helm from the back seat.

“Dad—”--Buddy

Buddy winces a bit at the high shriek their Dad had made.

“Buddy?! Buddy, what are you doing here?”--Alex

“I was playing with the others and hid here.”--Buddy

Alex shakes his head and begins driving back to the house.

“Why didn’t you say anything when you noticed the car was moving? I would have stopped and gotten you back to the house.”--Alex

“I did but…”--Buddy

“But…?”--Alex

Buddy looks down a bit embarrassed.

“…I like hearing your music and you singing.”--Buddy

Alex chuckles a bit as they start pulling up to the house.

“Just next time let me know you’re here. Someone could have seen you.”--Alex

Buddy hops out of the car with Alex feeling a bit down.

“But if there’s a karaoke night, I think I know who I can count on.”--Alex

Buddy’s demeanor lifted at that.

“Like singing partners?”--Buddy

“I don’t see why not, but I will have to run the idea by with your mother.”

Buddy gives him a hug before immediately releasing him coughing a bit embarrassed.

“I’m just gonna go over there…”--Buddy

Buddy runs into the barn as Alex laughs to himself and goes into the house.

He manages to close the door when he hears the clash of metal, a loud ‘I FOUND THEM!’, and shouting about messing up someone’s back struts.

[cushfuddled]

I wish I didn't hate Ed and Stede but here we are I guess

I didn't have time to put a section about this in my review (since it would add another ten minutes onto a fifty minute video hhhhh) but I just gotta take a second and vent about how much I dislike Stede and Ed in season two.

When I watched season two for the first time, I assumed I didn't ship Gentlebeard anymore because I'd...I dunno...gotten bored of the ship or whatever. But when I went back to rewatch season one, I was immediately sucked back into the Ed/Stede jet engine. I loved them through the finale, up until around the middle of season two...at which point I became totally disinterested again.

Even going back through season one clips for this review...the chemistry is soooo strong for me. The only time I got that feeling from season two was like, from the mermaid scene and the finger-stacking scene.

And I honestly think my disinterest stems from the fact that I can't stand Ed and Stede as characters anymore. They're dicks in season one, but ANNOYING dicks in season two, and I guess I just...don't ship characters who make me want to tear my hair out.

In season two, Ed behaves like a petulant five year old with a gun. It's so "say sorry to your friend right now!" "I don't wanna! :(" followed by a stint in the time out chair and a mumbled non-apology. For all of season two, Ed behaves like a spoiled brat, and I really can't stand it.

My friend pointed out that Ed is in a position where he needs to reparent himself. His emotional development likely stopped around the time he killed his dad (when he was still a kid). No one modeled healthy behavior and emotional regulation for Ed past the age of...maybe fifteen? So of course he's gonna behave like a kid. It's gonna be a long road for Ed to learn these regulating strategies as an adult, and I guess...hhhhhh.

None of Ed's trauma excuses Ed from torturing and traumatizing his crew. It feels shitty to find a deeply traumatized character's behavior "annoying," but...I mean. I say this as someone who's experienced suicide ideation myself: Ed isn't real, and I'm not Ed's friend, and so I don't really feel obligated to extend patience and understanding to a fictional construct when that construct spends 90% of his screen time behaving like a stuck up, self-obsessed, capricious, whiny, murderous asshole.

Add season-two-Stede to the mix and CHRIST...Stede—like Ed—was always a dick, but the way he encouraged Lucius to divulge his trauma only to react with cartoonish disgust, cower like a cornered animal, and then flee while begging Lucius to be quiet...

Then Stede decides to veto the crew's decision to ban Ed—their abuser—from the ship ("talk it through as a crew" my ass)...? Oh, and gotta love how Stede-"I've been the cause of death. It changes you"-Bonnet sets a guy on fucking fire and laughs, then kills a bunch of English soldiers with nary a backward glance. Okay. Would've loved some kind of exploration re: that major heel turn, but fine. And then Ed and Stede stand over Izzy's grave—the (mutilated) body of their dear friend and crewmate—and their combined eulogy amounts to "He was tense. Very tense." "Yeah, he was a fucking nightmare. What a guy." How endearing. Season two turned these two bastards (affectionate) into bastards (derogatory) for me and I'm still salty about it. God DAMMIT.

[obihiro-division]

Daiki’s Thoughts on Edogawa Division

Yuriko Kuromiya

“Woah, Yuriko is a forensic pathologist? That’s like, a super important job, right? I mean, I don’t really like the smarty-smarty stuff, but heroes need big-brained people like Yuriko to help us behind the scenes! I mean, if she can explain it to me in a simple way, I might be able to finally sit down and get interested. Probably not though!”

Kaoru Shinozaki

“Kaoru is kinda weird… I mean at first, when I got to meet her, I was super excited to find someone who likes sentai and superhero stuff too! It’s just… I think she’s kind of scary.”

“Like one time, I mentioned how cool it would be to have a transformation belt. Like Kamen Rider! It would be awesome to transform in different ways or even have a weapon to defeat the bad guys! But then, Kaoru actually made one. For real! I was super hyped, but after testing it a little, I realized I was not ready for that sort of thing. I mean, she actually made them into real weapons. Deadly weapons! I’m not trying to kill people! I just want them to… Faint, I guess. Like Pokemon. Or peacefully give up. I don’t want to be an executor, just a punisher towards people who are following the wrong path. Kaoru needs to understand that and stop trying to send me weird stuff. Jack’s getting really upset and I don’t want him to ban me from visiting. I like spending time with Kaoru, outside of her weird stuff.”

Kanra Akemi

“I got to meet Kanra when she helped me scare away a bunch of people trying to hurt a kitty! I mean, I had it handled, but Kanra went above and beyond by ripping a sign out of the ground and charging after them. They turned tail and ran away like a bunch of cowards. As expected of a couple of villains!”

“Still! Ever since then, we’ve been friends. I do my best to see her when I come around. Kanra isn’t really allowed to come up to visit since I’m on a totally different island from her. We do our best though! I guess Kanra is one of the few people I’ve told about my superhero identity. I mean, she’s a hero too! If only she would tell me how she got so strong! She always gets weird when I ask. It’s fine though! If she tells me or not, I’ll wait! After all, we’re pals!”

Wicked Requiem

“Now that I think about it, Wicked Requiem is just Kanra’s family! I wish I could do that with my dad and brothers. They’re too stuck up and busy to even care. It blows we gotta fight. But maybe we’ll keep it friendly! I mean, I don’t wanna hurt Kanra’s feelings. Or Kaoru! I want us to get along, not fight!”

[dickarchivist]

Hello, someone woke up in a mood so I have a question. Cover the ears on the innocent.

So I would love to hear what you would consider your best dirty talk. (Banshee lets assume your hands wouldn’t be otherwise occupied for the moment 😉)

Phantom: Athena, Cyar'ika, you gotta go for this one.

Athena, pouting: what! But I wanna play too!

Wraith: I'm not going to be very good at this one, why don't we get some snacks ready and leave this one to our brothers, vod'ika?

Athena sticks her tongue out at Phantom, who boops her nose in response. Her and Wraith leave the room.

Phantom: Alriiiight, the good stuff is under the cut, Cyare~

Banshee: Are we going now? Coast clear?

Phantom: fire away big guy.

Banshee, winking at the interviewer: You asked for this, remember that Cyar'ika.

Phantom: Ghost, you first. Age before beauty.

Ghost, scoffing: I'm very pretty thank you. >he rolls his eyes, then turns back to the interviewer< I guess my "dirty talk" would uh... boys, cover your ears.

Specter: oh no fair, get on it Ori'Vode. What kind of dirty talk are you doing?

Ghost takes a deep breath through his nose, then sighs out slowly.

Ghost: if I'm with a partner who identifies as a woman, and we're in a position to um... make children. I'd say something like, "Let's put a little Daddy into Mommy."

The boys of Grave Squad hoot and holler, making Ghost laugh. He shakes his head, pointing at Specter.

Ghost: Okay okay, your turn Specs.

Specter, not missing a beat, smirking: "pretty as a picture all laid out like this, maybe I'll take a few more, watch the progress of my finest work yet."

They all chuckle and laugh again, then Specter points to Dax'Malkin.

Specter: you're up Buir

Dax: "Such a shame, that pretty garment of yours won't survive the night."

The laughter continues and Dax passes his turn on to Banshee.

Banshee: "I talk with my hands, let's see what kinds of sounds I can get you to make with them."

Ban takes a seated bow as his brothers hoot at his sign, then he tips his hand to Phantom, signing "best for last", making Phantom stand from his place with a confident grin.

Phantom: "No mind tricks here, Cyare, I'm just that good~"

The rest of Grave boos Phantom, laughing as he bows, saying "Thank you, thank you." As if accepting an award.

[randomvarious]

Today’s compilation:

These People Are Nuts! 1989 New Wave / Punk Rock / Alternative Rock / College Rock / Post-Punk / Power Pop / Ska

Here's a nice retrospective rundown of one of the greatest and most eclectic indie labels of the 1980s: I.R.S. Records, which was headquartered in the US, but had a whole lot of UK bands on its roster too. Founded in 1979 by a guy named Miles Copeland, I.R.S. started out primarily as a punk outfit, but as new wave proceeded to develop, it sunk its teeth firmly into that movement too, landing a bunch of acts along the way whose material was considered to be strange, zany, quirky, and campy, like Oingo Boingo and Timbuk 3.

But between all the acts that ultimately end up lending to this album's title being These People Are Nuts! are a bunch of bands who aren't considered to be all that weird too, like The Police, The Go Go's, Buzzcocks, R.E.M., and Fine Young Cannibals. So, what we really have here is a nice blend of genuinely good punk and alternarock with straight-up enjoyably silly and irony-laden new wave.

But this album that celebrates I.R.S.' tenth-year anniversary actually opens with a song that predates the label's existence entirely: it's the B-side of the debut record by the band that Miles Copeland's brother, Stewart, happened to play drums for: "Nothing Achieving," by The Police, a terrific classic rock-punk tune that was released in 1977 on another one of Miles' labels he had founded beforehand, Illegal Records.

And another great tune from those pre-I.R.S. days comes courtesy of a little-known band called The Electric Chairs, who, at the time, were fronted by a performer named Wayne County, who now goes by Jayne County. County is someone who holds the honor of being rock music's first openly trans vocalist, and she ended up working with a lot of famous people throughout her career, including David Bowie. Plus, she was also at the Stonewall Riots. So, she's an absolute legend, to say the least, and her band's punk song, "Thunder," which predates her publicly identifying as a woman, was released on Illegal in 1979.

Also, have you ever wondered where the great Fatboy Slim derived his stage name from? Well, it probably came from Maryland's Root Boy Slim, a brilliant and eccentric rabble-rouser who went to Yale and then came back on homecoming weekend the year after he had graduated and got kicked out and permanently banned from his frat house by none other than future war criminal president George W. Bush himself. His song, "Dare to Be Fat," kinda-sorta answers the question of, "what if Frank Zappa was a black blues-rocker?"

And there's a bunch of other songs from this compilation I could write about too, like The Go Go's’ "We Got the Beat," a landmark new wave tune that convinced the group to head towards a sound that was more new wave than punk; or the Buzzcocks' "Ever Fallen in Love," which presented a pretty perfect mix of late 70s punk rock and power pop; or Fine Young Cannibals' debut single, "Johnny Come Home," which showed the world this band's signature mix of rock and ska, along with Roland Gift's uniquely satisfying and tender voice.

But I think I'm gonna dedicate a few sentences to a deeply misunderstood song instead: "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades," by Timbuk 3. If you've ever heard this top-20 mid-80s hit before, then there's a pretty solid chance that you're among the many people who think of it as quite possibly the dorkiest song that the new wave era ever spat out.

I mean, peep this refrain if you're not familiar:

I'm doing alright Getting good grades The future's so bright I gotta wear shades

Now, is it possible that this song was made in a sort of tongue-in-cheek backlashing kind of way in response to all the live fast-die hard, sex-drugs-and-rock n' roll music that was going around back then? Sure, I guess so. But the song wasn't even really so much as that. It was more about the banality of contributing to an evil system and feeling as though you were on the right path. See, "I Gotta Wear Shades" is told from the perspective of a young nuclear scientist at the height of the Cold War, and that brightness in the future he refers to is actually referencing the potential detonation of the nukes that he's been working on. It's a really cleverly-made song that became a pretty big hit, but people never really seemed to understand the message that was behind it. It certainly wasn't a song to celebrate strait-laced, apple-polishing nerds.

So, there you have it: a nice and varied set of songs from a transcontinental indie label that played a big role in shaping new wave, punk, and alternative rock through its first ten years and change. There wasn't really any other label that was quite like I.R.S. Records. A lot of names that would end up defining eras and styles, along with some real kooks too.

Highlights:

The Police - "Nothing Achieving" The Go-Go's - "We Got the Beat" Wayne County & The Electric Chairs - "Thunder" Root Boy Slim - "Dare to Be Fat" Buzzcocks - "Ever Fallen in Love?" Wall of Voodoo - "Mexican Radio" R.E.M. - "Superman" Doctor and the Medics - "Spirit in the Sky" Timbuk 3 - "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades" Fine Young Cannibals - "Johnny Come Home" Concrete Blonde - "It'll Chew You Up and Spit You Out"

[winderlylandchime]

Hello! I am coming to you with Christmas/reveal update: So first of, Merry Christmas, i hope you had a lovely day. And second: yesterday my day started with my brother waking up probably the whole neighborhood by blasting Christmas music and then he immediately forced me to open presents. His “bad present” to me btw was my own candle that was already half used. So that made me fell a bit better about his present. Let’s get to the thing we all care about, btw i was so fucking nervous, it’s actually ridiculous even though I knew he wouldn’t freak out. Anyway: he opened his present and saw the shirt and he started laughing so much and was like ‘oh fuck i can’t wait to wear this to my check up on Wednesday’ and then he found the note… and he stared at it and then looked at me, looked at the note, looked back at me and went ‘isnt that the site that banned porn?’ Out of all things i thought he’d say, that one wasn’t even near the list. And i was like ‘yeah, im sorry. Originally i just wanted to tell the person how you started watching it and how she kinda had something to do with it and then it just kind of…blew up and other people wanted to hear your thoughts’ and he looked at me surprised and went ‘people…as in plural..*looks at me almost a bit scared* so like…do they hate my thoughts and me oooorrr would we be friends if we met?’ And then i told him that to my knowledge, he was liked and the look on his face was priceless ngl. And then he went ‘show me the blog’ and i had your blog already pulled up all the way down to the first ever message (which holy shit..i almost feel bad for all the spam, bless your heart for putting up with me) and he spent hours going through them. I’m talking every answer/comment/post.. and when he finished he went ‘damn…i was going through it. I’m so glad I matured since then. But im happy they didn’t witness my season 1 reactions’ (he has not matured. He is still the same minus all the meds. During s1 he threw a bag of candy at the tv when Craig showed up..) after that he told on me to our parents and he started that conversation by saying ‘merry Christmas, hey guess what? I’m famous!’ I got in trouble a LITTLE bit BUT he did defend it with ‘no no guys, you dont get it. I’m famous! To like 5 people but that’s still a lot of people!’ He also called our uncle and was like ‘you made bets on me being gay cause of Brian? That’s messed up bro.’ He spent the entire day going through the messages multiple times and told his friends about it.

And then today he wanted me to send you guys a message in his name and i wanted to die inside. His only order was to type everything he says. So my apologies in advance, he proof read this entire message and still wanted to send it as it was. So without further ado, here’s a message from the man himself:

Should I start with hello or sup? Hi everyone, how are you guys? Hope Christmas didn’t suck for you. Yesterday i found out about this blog and my partial participation in it. So hello, first of all I gotta say: Jinx is fucking cool so I already like the person who runs the blog. Make sure you let them know that. And ask what their favorite drag race moment with Jinx was? Okay, second of all: that photo meme someone made with Kevin Hart being Bri Bri was the best fucking thing I’ve seen in a while, it made me laugh so much. I sent it to all my friends to show them, hope that’s okay. Anyway now to the important shit: I am very happy that I was able to entertain you people throughout the last few months even if it was without my knowledge. I am also 100% very fucking confused about it. I actually thought my reactions were pretty fucking normal and that mom and dad were being dramatic but now being able to go back and see them…i would lie and say it was the meds but my sister clearly provided some other stories so I can’t even lie that I’m usually normal. Whatever. But i am happy to learn that I am not the only one when it comes to being in love with Blondie and Brian. Or the real life versions of them. Although there’s not a lot of them in any behind the scenes stuff or even interviews or photos and my sister told me that that hasn’t changed even now, so what the fuck is up with that? I was ready to reactivate my instagram to keep up with them, only to learn that I got better chance seeing Jesus come back to life than to see them post a fucking photo especially Gale. Kinda fucked up and rude but whatever, I’ll live. I think. Probably not.

Anyway, glad to know we had similar feelings about some stuff and that I’m not alone in thinking Mike and Ben are fucking boring. Felt good to be understood. And I’m happy to know that without my knowledge I was accepted into your little club. I read every answer to my sisters messages and even some, is it comments? Well I read those little notes too and some of them made me laugh and you guys all sound pretty fucking dope. I mean someone all the way from fucking Europe kept up with me? I am so sorry to that person but also that’s so cool.

And I want to say thanks for the well wishes! I saw that at the beginning there were some replies wishing me fast recovery and all that shit, so thanks for that! That’s very sweet of them especially since they don’t know me. Let them know i find out on Wednesday if I can go home next week and that i might get my cast removed. Okay, now i leave them with my farewell message: You guys are cool, thanks for making me a member of the club. I appreciate that a lot. Fandoms are fucking dope cause it’s just bunch of people loving the same thing and isn’t that fucking cool to think about? Just bunch of people coming together because of their love for something. So it’s nice to be in another fandom. I met my best friend cause we both love Iron Man. Hug your homies or whoever you want and pet an animal if you can! And while you’re at it, tell a republican to go fuck themselves. Especially right now. Bye. Let them know I threw a peace sign up at the end.

FRIENDS IF YOU ARE READING THIS GO TO MY BLOG AND READ FROM THE START OF THE MOST RECENT UPDATES BECAUSE THIS IS THE SWEET SWEET FINALE TO THIS CRAZY LITTLE TRIP.

Hello brother anon! (Dear sweet anon, please show him this message). I’m so glad you’ve taken this all with a big heart and a sense of humor. But give what your sister has shared with us and the way you’ve joined your local drag community, I didn’t think you would be super pissed. But you never know. As this is a show that has been off the air for nearly 20 years, the fandom is small and we very rarely get new content (the newest content was 2020) so having your updates via your sister was an incredible breath of fresh air. Thank you from the entire tumblr fandom!

This? This is what it’s about:

Fandoms are fucking dope cause it’s just bunch of people loving the same thing and isn’t that fucking cool to think about? Just bunch of people coming together because of their love for something. So it’s nice to be in another fandom. I met my best friend cause we both love Iron Man. Hug your homies or whoever you want and pet an animal if you can! And while you’re at it, tell a republican to go fuck themselves. Especially right now. Bye. Let them know I threw a peace sign up at the end.

This is what it is all about. Fandom is about the people just as much as the canon on which it is based. We are small but mighty and we are happy and delighted to welcome you with open arms.

My favorite Jinkx moments? Oh god, to have to choose? Ofc her iconic snatch game performances - all stars 7 of course of course but her snatch game as Little Edie on S5… whenever I wash my hair and put it up in a turban I like to go find my spouse (not hard, we live in a 2 bedroom apartment) and quote her line “I can never tell if it’s caviar or giblets for the cats” and I get bonus points if I actually grab a can of cat food for my performance. I’ve gotten to see her live twice - her and Dela’s holiday show in 2019 (I think - or it was 2018) and her most recent one-person show. I am SO EXCITED TO SEE HER IN DOCTOR WHO.

Much love to both of you - Siblings Anon. (makes fist) Ally.

[advrageobjectshowenjoyer]

Lengthy rant/vent on being banned becusse I’m still pissed

like.. I get banned, ok for a few days right? For a few weeks right? For a month… for a year..? FOR 4 YEARS? like you gotta be kidding me? Like atleast give me a warning if I did something wrong that’s how you moderate right? It’s not like I punched 50 users and killed 5 more..? I made a thread about purity culture in art which hey maybe it was adult I don’t know but it’s a topic I wanted to discuss and it wasn’t even mature locked neither, with other minors interacting with it? Acting like I (a minor) can’t talk about.. gore? And such is a little strange to me considering yes your going to go outside and see minors making sex jokes yes your going to go outside and see minors making gore death conversations. I’m old enough to understnad im old enough to know what it is, in my page it states yes I’m a minor and people who interacted with the thread I would have hoped looked at my page before talking to me? And it’s not like we were discussing major nsfw content? Maybe that’s just me to be fair? Of course we mentioned nsfw being censored but if a thread makes you uncomfortable maybe 1) talk to me about it instead of going out of your way to get my account banned for a good 4 years 2) blocked and moved on. Of just.. ignored the thread? I feel like not a lot do that they see something and feel the need to say soemthing or feel the need to go bonkers over soemthing that truely wasn’t dangerous? No one was being groomed and such even in the thread we discussed how content in art could be used as a grooming tactic and this is why immoral art shouldn’t be allowed in such but of course I don’t believe people had read the thread, and instead took a look and was like wow this guy must be a young super young baby person!! No. I’m in high school. I can discuss this topics. People talking to me would have atleast known yes I’m a minor it’s in my page again like I stated before TLAKING to someone it’s always good to check you know their page to see if your on their Dni or they do soemthing you don’t like before interact but I guess people just don’t exactly do that? Must be me I guess. Not only is me being banned for 4 years a problem I can’t access my characters nor art on the account to retrieve it meaning any pictures/characters/lengthy lore written for my characters has been lost and sadly my memory is horrible so I’ll probably forget toyhouse in 4 years. Now it isn’t exactly any user who felt uncomfortable with the threads fault to be honest, you see someone you think is underage discussing a topic of course you might be worried for them but there options before getting my account locked (for 4 years, witch in my opinion obviouslt a user can’t choose a time for it to be locked.) but anyway

not to mention toyhouse is under moderated and understaffed since I had made a ticket a while back ( a year and a few months I believe now?) that had gone unanswered. Now me making a ticket being ‘ hey! Please lower my ban time or remove it completely for a misunderstanding or please explain this time or reason for this ban! ‘ will not do much because they won’t answer it. Now not only is this annoying since I will be rotting before they answer it, I just.. don’t understand the time? A year? 4 years?? It isn’t like hey I cyber bullied someone it was a convo if not no convo at all as I mainly just said adding when people had commment to add them to the forum to be fair? It doesn’t seem that big to me? Of course I am the preportator in this situation so of course I wouldn’t find anything wrong with my doings !

if anyone could explain this to me and anything I can do to fix this please that would be extremely nice as I’m not sure what steps to take after this or what to do to retrieve my belongings from my account

-CGY

[be-side-my-self]

Rewatch of ONLY Murders In The Building to prepare for season 4 (VI)

<Part I> // <Part II> // <Part III> // <Part IIII> // <Part V>

Block #OMITBRewatch if you don’t want to read notes that will have spoilers up to seasons 3. Just to make it clear, while quoting, I use M, O, C for the main characters.

Also I’m putting this under a read more because it gets long.

okay, before I start let me just recommend a really good movie, that you'll enjoy if you like "Only Murders In the Building".

"See how they run"

S3 E1

Next season, we get flashbacks.

C: "Once smitten though, then comes the work of classes and training, of speech and technique... honing your craft,"

Aint that true? And I did not even follow any hobby/passion to become my job.

That apartment is so beautiful.

Meryl Streep! Loretta. Got it.

I guess Oliver does understand the monologue on a deep level.

And I love the parallel of him going to the right side of the stage to watch her more closely, just like Loretta did with that acretss in the theater all those years ago.

O: "Where have you been?"

Love that Howard is Olivers assistant.

*Four months ago.*

M: "Well, you know we're all just so busy-busy, and, who are we without a homicide?"

Lmao... there can only be one peacock and that is Oliver.

... no even though he is gay you can't kiss him like that.

Aristotle Brazzos?

Of course the producer of the Brazzos reboot is on harassment charges.

I feel like stopping people who start to quote Ghandi is a meme in itself.

Ben: "But, in the films, I'm just the friendly zoologist who morphs into a 20-foot cobra and helps the cops save the day."

That sounds so trashy... I'd watch it. At least the first movie.

It's weird... she was casted because of her voice and then she tries something else.

It is a bit awkward but it's a first reading.

Shut up, Ben!

Lmao, Oliver is awful and great at giving pep-talks.

O: "You go. I go."

... they mentioned twitter... gosh. I miss twitter.

Uma is great.

Aww, Mabel missed her old guys.

Someone is smitten...

Someone else is smitten too...

"Congratulations! Death Rattle Cast & Crew We killed 'em!"

Amazing, how everyone is now even more awkward after Ben returned.

He is still an asshole.

The renovated apartment looks amazing.

Aw... Mabel needs to leave. :(

Uma: "You gotta be fucking kidding me."

S3 E2

(sorry in before I had a beer and am super tired)

narrating from the point of view of the victim

"Girl Cop" a weird concept that probably would have been a real hit back in the late 90's ealery 00's

"Tight"

C: "Then you're sleuthing?" M: "Obviously."

Charles knows a lot of random things.

Harry Styles is talking at Ben's funeral.

The security guy - Greg - is just a weird stalker fan.

I like Maxine.

Maxine: "I never hold back. And neither should you."

Uh Oh Oliver.

C: "At least we found the killer. And in record time. Usually, it takes us at least eight episodes."

Detective Biswas.

Oh Oliver, having to reduce stress and cut out the dips... impossible!

M: "PTSD check. How are we holding up?" C: "Okay. I've already repressed it."

Olivers hallucinations are always so fascinating.

"Death Rattle Dazzle!"

Oliver instantly feeling stressed when the other two tell him that they will do another podcast.

S3 E3

(two days later, not drunk or tired)

Oliver is such a good composer

And Mabel got Oliver down to a T.

Donna and Cliff's relationship is so awful...

Mabel is banned from Olivers apartment

Tobert: "Sounds perfectly reasonable. And delivered so naturally."

Not sure if there was something between Mabel and Tobert? I remember thinking so...

Also I think I remember one of the big plot points about Dickie and Loretta.

C: "Oliver, how would you feel if I threw you under a bus?" O: "Knock yourself out. I was about to throw myself in front of one."

Mabel and Tobert are locked in a thight, dark space.

And I guess you can get any girl with the story of rescuing a baby elephant.

Lmao, Charles is so bad at trying to fit in.

Loretta is hitting so hard on Oliver.

"The Nanny's Lullaby" is such a good song.

Yes, Cliff get that Musical!

Okay, the Loretta and Oliver romance is really cute...

And it makes sense, that they think Kimber did it.

I really would love to know who all the characters are in Death Rattle and who wrote it.

S3 E4

Gosh, Cinda's new podcast about self-care is so... awful. Smells like bullshit

The apartment Mabel is looking at... is not the best... but also not the worst and it certainly is way too expensive... but then that is everything close to New York... at least that is what I heard.

Joy owns 62 fish... and moved in with Charles.

Joy: "35 years ago, you sat in my makeup chair, and I thought to myself, 'This man dies alone'. And now, look at us. Shacking up."

C: "Do I look like a guy who can rap?"

RIGHT! THE WHITE ROOM!

Lmao, Mabel taking to Howard about sweaters...

Joy is a freak.

Mabel does has old woman energy.

The next person who is the red herring is Joy...

Right, the one person texting Mabel is Cinda!

lmao, Charles trying to sell the omlet making as a choreo...

Mabel teaming up with Cinda would be a good career move for both tbh. But Cinda is a bitch...

Charles, the last time you lived with a woman she broke your heart.

Oliver and Charles are besties!!

... awful that Charles gets into the white room at that moment with Joy...

lmao... Charles thinking "not again!!" and "help me!"

[jackednephi]

Oh don't go hiding these straight facts in the tags my guy. So much of our modern culture is complete crap. Why don't we drink beer? Prohibition. Why is there hardly no facial hair? Anti hippie movement. Why is there so much effing sugar? See also prohibition and also also popular culture is shelling sugar so we've gotta ~blend in~ or whatever

[Uh this got away from me again so another break to spare y'all's poor dashboards]

And it's the same with tattoos. The one buddy I have who is A Total Asshole about not using real vanilla because it's alcohol and he wants to obey the WOW is like. I've seen that dude pack away family size packs of cookies and candy in the space of like an hour. And he turned around and was a jerk about my tattoo

Look, man. Our bodies are supposed to be temples and the temples have stained glass, don't they? I didn't put porn on my damn skin. It's my favorite butterfly over where I used to self harm with a semicolon to remind myself that it's not a period. I can keep going

But tattoos bad because why? They're trashy? They're not seen as being respectful? I used to draw butterflies and that's what got me to stop tearing into my wrist. Plus it's one of gods most beautiful and fascinating creatures? We have! Stained! Glass! Of! Sunsets!!! So what's wrong about my butterfly reminding me to carry on? What's wrong about me reminding myself of my struggle and how I overcame it? What's wrong about any of that? It's beautiful

But there's this attitude of "you can't do that because you're altering gods creation" and blah blah blah. I don't want to hear it. You know how else we alter gods creations? We battle viruses with drugs. We dye our hair and wear glasses. The lord made fruit but not wine and wheat but not bread. Are we not to partake in the divine act of creation? Of change?

Like I'm not talking about cutting off limbs here and hell! Sometimes you have to! My uncle had to have both of his amputated to save his life. But why are women allowed a single piercing but not men? (I'll tell you why. To fit in with larger society for fashion reasons and nothing more) and yet we scorn those who find joy in nose rings. It's the same. Damn. Thing

Makeup for women is ok but not men? And even then makeup and hair dye are fine but nothing more permanent? Why? Wouldn't the lord rather have us be our authentic, happy, whole selves? I know I'd rather my daughter be happy than be stuck wearing skirts and unable to explore the world because she has to "be a lady". So from that perspective, where would God take issue with that? And, if He did, wouldn't he take issue with ALL jewelry, makeup, etc? Like of all the lines to be drawn in the sand, why these? Why here?

And WHERE in scripture does it ban these things? I remember somewhere talking about how it was grotesque to have people dripping with jewelry and I can get behind that. And yet I seem to not recall anything on tattoos. On purple hair or any of that. Why do women get cool nails but not men? I don't remember that being anywhere in doctrine

Plastic surgery is fine but not top surgery? Why? They're both gender affirming. Viagra is ok but hormones aren't? Why? They both alter body chemistry. Condoms are barely ok but the pill isn't? Why? They do the same thing. What about abortion? How come the church gets to draw the line and not the individual? Sometimes birth control fails. How come someone can't pray and come to their own personal conclusion? Abortion is talked about freely in biblical text and even encouraged in some cases. So how come we take the stance of banning it?

These are all extremely arbitrary points. Why would God dictate no abortions but be fine with condoms? That's so weirdly specific and condoms aren't even talked about in scripture. How come a Brazilian butt lift is fine but not bottom surgery? They do the same damned thing

Anyway not to soapbox again but I firmly believe in adhering to the spirit of the law rather than tradition and guess what! I have a pretty good relationship with God. I pray, like, all the time. I don't read my scriptures every day but I do study them when I get into them at a very deep level and I genuinely think and consider them sometimes for years. And I feel like the Lord would much rather have something deeper and fought for and considered than this superficial blind faith. In fact, I'm pretty sure we have several scripture mastery verses about it. Something about faith without works being dead if I recall. Another about how we need to question these things for ourselves

So why don't we? Why don't we question more? Folks who ask questions are given a pariah status and told to have faith and it's bullshit. One of our core tenants is questioning and asking. Have you ever met a toddler? They ask so many questions nigh constantly. So why don't we? Why aren't we encouraging it? We're chasing folks away when they ask questions and are treated poorly for it. They end up finding answers in harmful places because it's alienating

And I'm not claiming to have all the answers. I'm not the prophet. I just know the answers I've come to after fighting tooth and nail for years for them. Adam was that men might be and men are that they might have joy. This life is meant to bring us joy, not misery. Not hedonistic pleasures, of course, but genuine, lasting joy. And if a butterfly tattoo does just that? Then why on earth would it be forbidden?

Anyway, call me radical. But I'm at peace with how I approach all of this. I'm acting according to the answers to my prayers and I'm living a pretty good life because I'm doing my best to live in accordance with His will for my life

A friend once told me I'd make a great Jew because of how much I argue and question everything. It's the greatest compliment I've ever received

Anyway I found a cake mix and had some scraps of things so I tried to make cupcakes. You can pinpoint the exact cupcake where I went "lol screw this my hand is broken"

Observe my hideous but tasty children. They've given me ideas for future endeavors and represent much needed calories

[demonprincezeldris]

"Your Majesty, look what we found in the caverns!!"

"For fucks sake man, handle it gently, that thing's gotta he ANCIENT!"

"You can't say fuck in front of the King-"

"You just-"

"OH NO, I JUST SAID FUCK IN FRONT OF THE KING-"

Bartra watched, a little bemused as the two Holy Knights he'd sent to look in the caverns down below scrambled into the throne room. The sins, who he'd been having a meeting with, also turned to look at the bright red Knights.

"Er... we're very sorry, we can come back another time..."

Bartra finally got a grasp on his words, and laughed. "Have no worry, Knights. Come, show us what you've found."

Even Meliodas found himself looking over curiously, before the blood drained from his face. He shared a brief, half panicked look with Merlin, who was looking equally as stressed, before they both composed themselves. It wouldn't do to have the team see them like that.

"Haha, Captain! Look at this guy, he looks just like you!" Ban cackled, poking fun. Meliodas hummed non committedly, and King narrowed his eyes. Almost since he'd met the man, he'd seemed... inhuman. He couldn't place his finger on WHAT, exactly, he was, and it was rude to outright ask, but if the subject was already brought up...

"Actually, yeah, he DOES look like you... a LOT like you."

"Ah, well, I guess. Funny coincidence?"

Merlin side eyed him. He was a fine liar by omission, but outright, he was, frankly, shit at it. It stems from Galand. Spending so much time with someone who will turn you to stone if you mutter so much as a half lie, makes you a damn honest person. He either told the blatant truth or didn't speak.

Escanor leaned forward, hand on his chin as he investigated the photo. "It's quite obviously a mural of the Holy War Era. If I recognize these characters correctly, those two are King Drole and King Gloxinia."

"That's Gloxinia alright." King nodded, and Diane jumped in. "And that's DEFINITELY Drole!"

"So then who's the guy who looks like Cap'n?" Ban grumbled, eyebrows scrunched.

"If memory serves, that is a demon prince, who's name has been lost to time." Gowther said in his typical monotone, pushing up his glasses. "I've only ever found one legend on it, but apparently, he joined the goddesses aliance."

"Woah, seriously?" There were stars in Diane's eyes. "Wow... I bet he did it for love!"

Meliodas snorted, unable to contain himself. Bans cackle mostly drowned it out, but Escanor caught it. "What's your opinion on the matter, Captain? You are his doppelganger, after all! And you yourself have a dark magic! Your shadows were strong enough to stand even against my sun!"

He just hummed again. "Anyways, you found that underneath the castle? I've ended up wandering around those tunnels before." He very pointedly did not answer the question.

"Yes, Sir! There's a large stone pillar, near where we guess the center of the caverns are! We found it in a hollow spot a bit away!"

"Lady Merlin, you're very well read!" The other one said excitedly. "Do you know anything about these caverns?"

She tilted her head slowly, debating. On one hand, she did not particularly want to expose her Mama. On the other, she couldn't resist an opportunity to show off her vast reserves of knowledge. Meliodas shot her a half amused look, already knowing what was going through her head. Ever so slightly, he inclined his head, giving her the go ahead. Her eyes flashed with secret delight.

"Those caverns were once a vibrant forest. In fact, it was the one King Gloxinia ruled over. It housed the Sacred and Total Immersion of the Goddess Military Alliance. Better known as STIGMA. The purpose of it was to give the goddesses a very strong base for their forces, by lining them with Brittanian protections. STIGMA failed due to infiltrators making their move in an attack, at the same time the forest was attacked by powerful berserker demons. The forest was destroyed, and later regrown in another spot. These caverns are the petrified remains."

They were looking at her with starry eyes, and she preened a little under the attention.

"...Captain." King started, prepared to outright ask him. "You're older than you look, we all know that. And you've never been quite... human... your magic is dark in its nature, when you use it, and you look IDENTICAL to this painting."

"...Where are you going with this, King?" He asked wearily. By now, the other sins were watching, looking back and forth, intrigued.

"...Are you the Demon in this portrait? It would explain why you're not sealed, if you were on the goddesses side." He heard even Ban inhale a little at that. Meliodas blinked at him.

"...I'm not the Demon in the portrait." He answered, and wasn't even a lie. He WASN'T him. Not anymore. He grinned, then. "But you're not TOO far off? That guy, im definitely related to him."

"Really??" Diane squeaked, the giantess almost cracking the tile when her hands hit the ground, leaning forward. "What was his name??"

"...Zeldris. He's an ancient relative of mine."

"Wow, that's so cool, captain!!"

"So you're descended from a royal demon??" Escanor was looking at him with wide eyes. He nodded. "Yeah. See her?" He pointed at the goddess, who's features had degraded over time. "Family story goes, the two of 'em fell in love. The kid they had together, his name was Tristan." That wasn't entirely true. But over the centuries, he occasionally indulged in fantasy, to make himself feel better. If he'd ever had a son with Elizabeth, he'd have wanted to name him Tristan. It meant outcry. He'd have wanted his son to let his opinions and emotions be shouted to the heavens. "Centuries pass by... and I'm here."

(Merlin was impressed, that was a damn good lie, especially for HIM.)

"That's so romantic." Diane swooned. "But wait, what happened to them??"

"Died at the end of the war. I look quite a bit like him, and because the royal gene was so strong for his bloodline, I got dark magic as well. I prefer my counters as my go to. But I CAN use it."

"Oh, how tragic..." Escanor murmured.

Meliodas just hummed again. "Yeah... anyways. You should probably go put that in the archives. Sins, head back to the barracks, there was something I wanted to discuss with King Bartra."

They reluctantly filtered off, and when he was positive they were all out of hearing range, he turned to Bartra.

"Do you trust me?"

"Pardon? Sir Meliodas, where did that come from?"

"Just answer."

"Yes, I trust you."

"Good. Never ever let Elizabeth see that painting."

"Why not??"

"I cannot explain in detail without endangering her. Just know that if she sees it, it may very well lead to her death."

"I- you won't answer any questions I have, even if I asked them, would you."

"Not likely. Sorry. Just trust me on this one. I want nothing more than for your daughter to be safe. Do NOT, ever ever EVER, let her see that painting."

"...Very well, then."

He nodded, satisfied, and left to go make sure his idiots hadn't broken anything.

Meliodas is a shit liar, and Merlin knows it too. But thank the gods he was able to come up with a decent lie. His brother? Dating Goddess Elizabeth?

His brother would have laughed at such an idea.

[omegasmileyface]

Of All the People - Ch. 11

second to last chapter!! and the last journal chapter! the next one might take a bit to upload, so on our ao3 upload we promoted four fics that inspired the way we wrote this. here are those links! click through or check the end note on our ao3 upload for names and authors. as always, this was written by me and @attackradish and @ectolemonades for InvisoBang 2022, with chapter 1 art by @/toasty-ghosti!

whole fic summary: After a stupid dare puts Dash Baxter in the lab at Fentonworks during the middle of a ghost fight, he finds himself a little more spectral than usual. Apparently Danny Fenton’s gone through the same thing (someone has got to call OSHA on these guys eventually), and who could better help Dash than his hero? His lame, stubborn hero?

warnings: Nothing for this chapter! In others, existential crises, and Spectra.

words: 1981

AO3 link

first chapter

previous chapter

next chapter

===

November 21

Today in chemistry we had a lab and it was weird, cuz I wasn't with Star. Theirs no set partners in that class or anything but nobody switches up partners after the first lab. That would be stupid. But before class Star was talking to Foley about some part of the lab prep and they didn't want to stop the conversation so they paired up. It sucks that we had to re partner but Foley's usual partner was Danny so it could of been worse. Apparently hes still banned from the glass wear after he dropped everything in freshman year. Which was totally because he was still getting used to intangibility and thats really unfair. He's perfect at that now. Anyway, I had to hold all the equipment while he read the lab instrutions to me but it worked out fine. I'm glad I'm not dropping stuff like he was. I know he had way more times where he accidentally used his powers than I am (its hard enough to use them on purpose) but I think the training has also helped a lot. If we BOTH got banned we'd be screwed on the lab. It was pretty boring since I was just taking instructions and Danny's used to labs and shit so we ended up talking a lot. I got exited about Invasion Z 2: Redeath coming out this weekend and he kept agreeing with me. Turns out he likes movies too! Mostly sci fi and horror and stuff but hey, a good movies a good movie. He gave me some horror reccommendations and I don't usually like horror but I'm gonna try them. He's probably too busy but I think I'll ask if his friends wanna go see Redeath when it hits the theater.

===

November 22

The Red Huntress was in a ghost fight today. Like one where Phantom was there too. I havent seen her since Igot my powers but I don't think I've ever really thought about her before. I got to get up kinda close without her noticing me cuz Danny had her distracted and… she's so human. Like I mean obviously, she's human but I don't think I ever thought of her with that in mind. She's just kind of a superhero to me more than specificly a human that deals with ghosts. But up close I could hear what she was saying to Phantom and it was so different compared to the ghosts. It was all hate. It wasn't any challenges or competition or whatever mostly. She doesn't yell as much as when she started showing up and I feel like she's less trigger happy around Phantom now but she's still all personal and intense. I guess it just makes me wonder who she is. If she's human she's gotta have like a life and job when she isn't chasing ghosts and it was weird enough learning that it was the same with Phantom but Danny doesn't have a choice. This chick has to care a hell of a lot to keep doing this. What hapened that made her so invested in ghosts?

===

November 23

Me and Kwan and Star and Paulina were gonna go to Nasty Burger with Danny's gang after school today to make sure we are all on the same page about ghosts and everything. But Kwan wanted to bail, which I get. He's still on the football team and so I guess the free time I've got now minus training isn't the same for him. Then Paulina and Star both had family stuff come up. I guess Thanksgiving IS tomorow. So I just went alone but when I got there Manson and Foley had ditched too. That many people leaving is kinda suspiscious, except that I don't see why my friends would do that on purpose. Fenton's friends maybe. Nerds are weird like that. Danny decided to stay even after it was just me there. I mean, foods food. Since everybody else was missing we didn't really talk business, instead we just talked about whatever. Did you know Danny has piloted the space shuttle before??

===

November 24

Turns out the Red Huntress is Val. As in, Valerie Gray. Danny's known the whole time she's been doing the job and he acidentally let it slip when we were talking about having to fight humans. He forgot I didn't know. He felt really really bad about it so obviously I can't tell anybody but it almost feels like I should. Is she okay? I mean she's doing this but shes just a human and I know she did sports before but it's super not the same. Where did she even get all that tech? Did she make it herself? I guess probably not because she was never into techno stuff before but did I is that the kind of stuff she has to do? It's weird that she's in high school too, with how busy Danny is she must have it the same way. I don't know if her grades are worse or anything because I haven't really talked to her since her dad lost his job. None of us have. Since then she's really been fighting ghosts? Why is Why won't Why does she hate them so much? Fuck weve all been such assholes to her and we just forgot about it when we didn't see her as much. I can't invite her back into the group becase she'll find out I'm a ghost and probably try to kill me at school or something. Plus she doesn't even wanna come back I bet.

===

November 25

Lancer wants everybody to do a writing piece on some exhibit at Amity museum. Something about getting imersed in knowledge or whatever. A bunch of us went there after school today to find topics so we could ignore it on the weekend. They have this exibit on the moon landings and mars rovers and all that space robot stuff and apparently Danny hadn't been here since before they added that cuz when he saw it he looked like he found $100 lying on the ground. He was fucking thrilled and he started talking about stuff that wasn't even on the information posters. I'm thinkin he should have designed the thing! His eyes got all sparkly and I'm 100% sure his freckles were glowing like little stars. He was also clearly trying not to float?? Honest to god it was so cute… Anyway everyone else went away after a bit to look at other exibits but like didn't they want to hear what Danny was saying?? I did.

===

November 26

Ok I've been mostly staying out of ghost fights this whole time cuz I get that while I'm still training it's better for Danny if I stay out of his way. But today there was a fight with this ghost skeleton dude in a white suit (he was kinda familiar?? I dont remember any ghosts like that though. ghosts are weird like that) and he kept punching Phantom into the road and shit and it was brutal. So I joined in too at least make it a two on one fight. But there was a bit where Danny was on the ground resting (I think his arm got broken?! Does he have bones?? I mean I do right??? But maybe he doesn't cuz he's a litle different or whatever???) so the skeleton dude started going after me instead. That was scary but like it's what we're training for so I was sticking my ground ready to help out my hero. But he barely touched me before Da Phantom was just… back.

He tackled the skeleton ghost strait into the road and it made another crater. He backed up into the air and fired a perfect ecto-blast that broke up the asphalt more so it looked like gravel around the ghost. I think at that point the ghost had passed out but Phantom jerked his hand and put some kind of green layer around the guy. I guess it was like one of his sheilds but at a distance. Then he came over and got me, I never had time to move away, and he just picked me up and took me to the other side of the street like mom moves Pooky when he's in the way. I tried to get out so I could keep an eye on the ghost and make sure he didn't escape but Ph Danny wouldn't even give me any wiggle room. It was like he was made of iron. I felt that a couple times before when he's saved me from stuff but it's a lot less comforting when I'm trying to fight it. I saw that he was still somehow keeping that sheild up though so I guess I didn't need to escape any way. Man, he looked pissed… but I don't think it was at me. It at least didn't feel that way somehow. 

After that he went back and captured the guy without anoher word to him and he checked me over and told me to "be careful around people like that" and went home. He didn't look me in the eye since he moved me out of the way. Maybe that's good, becuz I don't know if its a ghost thing or what but there was something really heav paralys intense about him at that point. I don't know how I would of acted if we had made eye contact. Stupid, probably.

I've been thinking about it and if I'm gonna be honest I was scared. Part of it was that kinda electric air thing that comes with ghosts sometimes, the feeling that makes you go all still, but I've never gotten that kind of feeling from Phantom before. Still though like I said I don't think it was aimed at me. That must be some kind of ghost comunication like Danny was talking about that one time, and it was comunicated to me that it was for the other guy. And it pretty much went away after he got the ghost contained. Still. I guess that wasnt all of it.

I re I guess I realized around then that like he didn't have to put up with everything. Me being an asshole I mean. When he was in that fight, even though it was worse then usual and he was suffering for it, when he got mad he just kinda switched gears. Ended the battle. Like he was sick of it. It gave me the feeling that he was sort of playing around until he cared enough to really get engaged (but why would he do that? Why wouldn't he just take care of the figt in the first place??)

And I guess that makes sense! I've been looking at every fucking Phantom fight I can these last few years. He doesnt really lose and he's done some crazy shit before. Pauli and I started getting stats at one point, like it was fantasy football. Those are kinda outdated now but I've seen a little stuff like that during trainings too and it's not like hes stagnated. He's crazy strong even compared to other ghosts and I guess I knew that but. I never really thought about what that meant for me. It's got me thinkin back to the times I was bullying him, after he became Phantom. A couple times he said "he didn't have time for this" and stuff like that but wh Fuck I don't know. It's just. He could have killed me really. Easy. If he was tired enough of me. That sucks.

===

November 27

My leg isn't getting better. Niether is my chest. Danny told me, because he still gets numb body parts and muscle spasms. Dying isn't really something you get better from.

===

November 28

am I ok?

[celestialmango]

(an anon sent me a prompt a while ago that caught my interest and I tweaked it a little so I wouldn't get writers block and get stuck but honestly whoever you are anon, great job👍, I loved it but it just took awhile for creative juices to flow so I could write it out.)

Soft vore, stuffing, unwilling Prey, ambiguous ending, reader insert, fatal mentions.

🥭🍡🥭🍡🥭🍡🥭🍡🥭🍡🥭🍡🥭

Holy shit, you shiver in fear at the knowledge just given to you by the college staff, you shouldn't have signed up for the dorms fuck what do you do? You don't know but you don't have a choice now, you chosen a college far from home and didn't have the money to rent a place. You can see pity on the staffs face as if they know they signed your death warrant. You take a deep breath, stand up and leave.

You don't have a choice, you can't afford to go anywhere else, you were just assigned to be the roommate of a well-known upper class man Pred on campus, as you slowly walk a down the path to the main dorm you feel you have to think, what do you do? as you enter the building....you have an idea, it might be dumb, might not even work but if a plan like this might help you survive you have to at least try it right? You clap your hands and pray to whatever deities are out there that this will work.

You walk down the hall to your assigned dorm room and knock on the door, after a moment it opens and you're face to face with a gurgling bulge of a stomach, you try not to let it phase you as you look up at the towering form rubbing the back of their neck before they look down at you, before the can do anything you play your cards 'o-oh wow you're tall! Hi I'm (y/n)!' you say with an innocent friendly smile 'the dorm manager assigned me as your roommate, from the sound of it you sound pretty hungry which is great! I wanted to invite you out to a buffet I saw on my bus ride to campus for lunch, my treat!' you look at them expectantly waiting for a reply after your word vomit.

After a few minutes of silence and them just staring down at you begin to fidget in place, they just blink at you slowly, looking as if they're debating some as they lift a hand to their mouth and yawn, you fidget a bit more nervously as you see how wide their maw can stretch and see their sharp canines dripping with saliva before their hand drops and their jaw relaxes. Their other hand finds it's way to the back of your shirt and they bring you inside the room before dropping you on a giant beanbag chair, they yawn again "Nnnn fuck it sure, give me a minute, I gotta put on some pants."

Phase one of plan play dumb success! The staff members said your roommate would eat you as soon as they opened the door, but instead you convinced them to a buffet instead, you take your chance to look around the room and your smile drops a little into a look of concern and confusion. There's only one bed. After getting dressed the come out of a bathroom and see your face "what's with you?" They ask sounding a little hostile, you respond by letting your face flush and scratching your cheek with a finger 'u-um well.' their eyes are gazing at you like a hawk 'there's only one bed in the room, this college doesn't really make roommates share a bed do they?' the Predator responds with an unnerving grin "most of my roommates don't last long."

Deflect! Deflect and act cute! You smile at them innocently again and tilt your head 'oh? Did they get kicked out for some reason or something?' their grin gains an aura of menace. "Or something." You put a hand on your chin in thought, 'by the way how do we get to town from campus? Do you have a car or will we be taking a bus to buffet.' their grin drops as they pause for a moment raising their eyebrow, "do you honestly think someone my size can fit in a car? Because the answer is no." You just grin at them 'guess I'll be paying for bus passes too then' they shake their head "naw, the college provides monthly passes, now come on, we'll want to hurry because the next one will leave soon." You look startled before you leap up, 'ok'.

You have trouble keeping up with them as you both run so they quickly turn back pick you up and tuck you under their arm before rushing to the bus stop, they really want that free food you offered, a chance to pig out that they don't have to pay for sounds great to them.

-----------

To saw you were surprised at how much $5 at a buffet could stretch was an understatement, barely half an hour and a tower of plates was stacked on the table you two sat at and as the pred finished their final plate a well dress person came up and banned you both from coming back, as you both stood on the sidewalk you spoke with a stunned look on your face 'i didn't know it was possible to get kicked out of an all you can eat buffet' the pred patted at their large gut "yeah, pity. I'm not even full yet." They pause looking like they're thinking about something again when you spoke again 'what? Seriously? You ate out the entire buffet.' they look towards you again with a strange gaze that you don't even notice and answer.

"I could go for more." You don't even see them reach for you before you turn to them with a mischievous grin while ask them an question that interests them greatly 'wanna see how many buffets we can banned from in a day?' they hesitate, the hand they were about to snatch you up freezes for a second before it reaches down to pat your shoulder instead as they give you a wide grin and an enthusiastic reply "hell yeah." And off you both went to cause as much chaos as possible before you had to go back to campus.

-----

A few hour later and they can barely squeeze themselves out of the doors of the bus as you return to campus, their gut bulging out so large it look as if they ate a moose, the both of you laughing '-i mean the look on that guys face when you snatched up and ate an entire turkey whole as they chased us out was priceless' "pfft yeah but what about the other guy when I ran out of the kitchen with that pot of soup a chugged it?" You both walk towards the dorm 'he looked like he was about to faint! That was right off the stove! Like boiling hot! How in the world did that not burn like you were drinking lava?' "heat resistance is a wonderful thing" they reply grinning from ear to ear.

After they open the door and you're about turn to leave to talk to staff about finishing the dorm paperwork their hand presses against your back a shove you into their room, you don't see a dark look flash across their face for a moment before disappearing, there is an unnerving tone to their voice that gives no room for argument as they speak "hey now, how about we spend a bit more time together?" It doesn't sound like a question but more like an order. Afraid and nervous about what may happen if you say no, you agree.

They hand you a controller and ask in a voice, as if they know exactly how the words sound

"Wanna smash?" 'Hah' you can't help the laugh that comes out, you shouldn't have told them about your weakness to dirty jokes.

----

Time passes fast as you play smash bros together for a while then move on to more multiple play games, you keep noticing they way they glance at you sometimes with a look that scares you, sometimes licking their lips, you notice as time goes by the size of their stomach decreases and the more it does, the more these moments of staring increase.

Their stomach growls a low long sound and you feel like you're sweating as you shiver while a chill shoots down your spine,you speak in a shaky voice as you get up and start walking towards the door 'w-ell t-this has been fun but I have speak to staff about sleeping arrangements as there's not room for me her right now' you open the door a crack before it slams shut, you see the Pred's hand above you and the other engulfs your shoulder, the tone Pred speaks to you in makes your heart stop "oh I have room." Before the spin you around, pinning your arms to your sides as their jaw stretches open and they lift you up , shoving your head inside and swallowing before you can properly process the situation.

The grip of their throat is tight, but the fleshy tube contracts and releases easily as the experienced muscles drag you deeper inside, you snap out your stunned state a futilely kick and squirm , the struggles doing nothing except helping you slide down faster, the Pred groaning at your flavor as they gulp heavily and fast, impatient and greedy they feel they have waited for this long enough. Your head passed through the opening to their stomach and thinking fast you hold your breath, closing your eye as your face is shoved into the pile of half digested remains of the multiple buffets they cleaned out.

You're quickly force inside, curling up you gasp as your head emerges from the slurry of food, it stick to your hair, a foul acidic smell in your nostrils, you barely have the room to move and you start to cry feeling a bit betrayed but your soft sobs can't be heard over the gurgles and groans of the chamber as it continues to work on the food around you.

-----

"Aaah that hit the spot." They plop back down on their beanbag, their gut having grown in size once more, they give it a couple pats then rub it lightly "out of everything I ate today you are definitely the tastiest." They mean that fully, they had been planning to do this since they were first told that staff was going to once again, try to give them a roommate, a freshman this time, you were always going to feed them, they just didn't expect you to do it in more ways than one.

They continue to switch between rubbing and patting their their gut as a thoughtful look crosses their face, they had made up their mind to eat you, nothing you did was ever going to change that, however, what happens afterwards is still up for debate because honestly you are probably the first one staff sent that was actually friendly towards them instead of an entitled jackass , you also took them out and let them stuff themselves till they couldn't eat anymore, they had to wait to digest a bit before they could fit you in too, but even then they had a really good time today with you.

Considering who and what they were it wouldn't take but a second to cast the spell they would need to keep you from being lost inside their stomach forever, hell you might even actually be a good roommate if they give you that chance....a low whiny gurgle sounds from their gut. Whatever their decision is they will need to make it soon, they have about 15 minutes before the acid in their stomach starts to affect you too.

[paintalyx]

got a couple of extra headcanon asks on my zombie-mode art instagram from my irls. i'm rather happy with them, so i'll repost some here for the sake of archiving and an illusion of consistency. genshin impact round, here we go!

kaeya:

kaeya has dimples when he smiles. this is a hc that my brain came up with at like 4a.m. one night and i haven't been the same ever since. ugh.

self-proclaimed best emergency babysitter ever. he's only mildly better with younger kids (think klee's age) than teens. they think he's cool because of the whole pirate vibe he has going on and because he lets them do stuff other adults don't. he probably didn't get to goof off a lot as a kid, so he's just as excited to try out all the stupid and crazy ideas.

because his brother is diluc ragnvindr, who couldn't tell a lie if his life depended on it when he was a kid, kaeya honed the skill of crafting cover-up stories to perfection. my hc is that growing up, he was the more mature, responsible and cautious sibling, to contrast with diluc, who was kind of naive and reckless, prone to accidentally getting into trouble

he's never been on a proper date nor in a committed relationship (we relate to stan a king with commitment issues). rumours say that he's bedded at least half of mond and he's yet to disprove or confirm them. he tends to joke that it would be a crime to unfairly deprive people of *gestures* "all of this"

he and sister rosaria have a... very complicated relationship. on first glance, one would be forgiven to think that they are good friends. they drink together, talk about philosophy and conspiracies in-between ships of wine, and it seems like they have some sort of an unspoken understanding between them. and that's the thing! takes one to know another! they both have certain suspicions regarding each other, and as much as they find amusement in easy banter that goes on between them, both know that getting close would be nothing but danger

diluc:

jean and diluc had an unspoken *something* going on before diluc left the knights. was it just a crush? was it more? maybe less? they are on good terms even after crepus' death and they clearly still care about each other, but this *something* is always hanging above their heads when they interact

he has freckles!!! they were more obvious when he was a kid because he used to be out in the sun a lot, but you can still see some faint spots over his nose and cheeks (and arms, if he rolls up his sleeves while working)

though he's quick to deny it, he has a soft spot for venti after everything that happened with dvalin. he knows that the bard is sneaking into the winery to steal grapes, apples and wine, but every time he gets caught, diluc's threats sound more like an obligation. there is a lot of banter between, but it's clear that they enjoy each other's company. on rare, special nights, when either of them is feeling like it, they talk about the past.

going off from the previous hc, diluc knows a lot about mondstadt's history and culture. he probably had to learn about it when he was younger, but i like think that he's always been passionate about it. heck, he and jean were probably nerding out about it all the time when they were kids. when he became friends (???) with venti, he got to listen firsthand retellings of so many stories he read about and his love for them only grew

you know bennett, fischl and razor? benny's new (unofficial) adventure team?? well, yeah, they are diluc's emotional support children now because you can't be knockoff batman without knockoff batfam. fischl is his goth theatre daughter. razor is always free to crash at the winery if the weather is too bad for camping. diluc himself has no idea how's it come to this, but, frankly, he should've known what he was singing up for when he didn't correct bennett for slipping up and calling him "dad" the first time

bennett:

drawing your faves with freckles is good for the soul and i have no-self control. bennett is outside all the time, so they are kind of prominent. it adds to his charm!!! (though people keep mistaking him for being younger than he actually is, partially because of them)

he has good luck only in card and board games. but, like... ridiculously good luck. he is practically banned from playing ludo because he has all four figures out before some players can even roll their first six

he will inevitably start calling every older male that sticks around him "dad" sooner or later. he accidentally slips up in front of diluc once and that's so embarrassing, he wants to die— diluc is caught off guard and confused for a grand total of five seconds before he internally goes: "well. guess i'm a father now". almost everyone is surprised when it sticks

he's a surprisingly good writer! he never thought of it as something that he wanted to pursue, but venti's poem class was the kick he needed. early on, he's mostly writing poems and short stories on scrap pieces of paper when he's bored. it isn't until razor offhandedly tells fischl about the hobby and she insists that they need to get him a proper notebook that he starts taking it more seriously. maybe he'll write the next adventurer handbook one day?

he is the kind of guy who can get a crush on anyone who's remotely nice to him (someone tell this boy that standards are a thing). then he never does anything about it. ever. nope. taking it to the grave. he would be extra dense when it comes to romantic advances to boot, so who knows when he'll settle down?

(gotta love my irls. smooches for them. also here's venti headcanon batch in case anyone wants to see it)

[twotapbuz]

This fic was inspired by this post by @swampythesweetsketch. I’ll post the fics for the rest of 1010 as soon as I finish them.

You were hired to be a personal bodyguard for Eloni

Along with the standard supplies(1010-themed uniform, flashlight, pepper spray, body camera), you were given a watch that would alert you to Eloni’s location whenever he was in trouble

This along with the job wouldn’t be out of the ordinary if it weren’t for the fact that neither of the other members of 1010 had personal bodyguards

You would soon learn why after your fourth concert

You had been approached by two lost fans that were looking for the meet & greet table when your watch suddenly began to beep rapidly. “Eloni must be in trouble,” you thought as you excused yourself from the duo and quickly hurried to the idol’s location. Eloni had somehow gotten to an alley near the venue. You weren’t really sure what to expect. Had a fan tried to kidnap him? You had heard stories from other security staff about crazy fangirls trying to take them or at least pieces of them. You reached the alley and found Eloni being hoisted by a group.

“Freeze!” you said while holding up your pepper spray. This diverted the group and they looked at you. “Drop the robot, now.”

“And if we don’t?” mockingly replied one of the “fans”.

“I’ll send this video to Neon J and have you banned from any future 1010 events.” you tapped your body camera. The threat of not seeing “the loves of their lives” caused the group to practically drop Eloni and they all scattered.

“Thank you.” Eloni got up. “You’re the first guard to catch them before they threw me into the trash”

“No problem, just stay away from alleyways.” you began to write an email, informing Neon J that Eloni had been safely retrieved. “ We wouldn’t want to-wait... the trash?” you stopped and looked up at him.

“Yeah, they usually throw me into the trash. One time I got thrown into a nearby pond.” Eloni admitted, embarrassed.

“And how often does this happen?”

“Around every other concert.” Eloni began to lean on the alley wall

“Yeesh, no wonder Eloni needs a personal guard,” you thought. “Wow. I knew the fans were a bit crazy, but I didn’t think they would go this far.” you tried to pick out your words carefully, trying and failing to not upset the robot.

“I just don’t understand why they hate me so much?” Tears began to fall down Eloni’s face. you froze, unsure what to do, before moving to comfort him.

“Hey, I’m um really sorry about what’s happening to you… if you want, I could maybe give you some advice?”

“Really?”

“Yeah” you looked at your watch. “We should head back to the venue, Neon J is worried about you.” Eloni wiped the tears off his face and began to walk beside you

“I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“It’s not a problem.”

You unofficially become Eloni’s PR Manager:

After that moment, you would help Eloni with his image before every event(it was the only time you would see each other as you had no reason to be near Barraca Mansion, and giving Eloni your phone number would be unprofessional).

“You’re supposed to be the funny guy of the group, right?” Eloni nodded. “Well, give me a joke. Let’s see what you got.”

“Ok. What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam.” Eloni shot finger guns at you. You stared at him. “Why do fish live in saltwater? Pepperwater makes them sneeze!” Eloni said, less confident.

“...I see. In the nicest way I can say this, you need new material, Eloni.”

“What? But I spent hours researching jokes on the internet!”

“That’s the problem. Everybody has heard of these jokes. If you want to be funny, you gotta be original. Here.” you handed Eloni a piece of paper. “There’s this restaurant in Dream Cast called The Mind Palace that hosts comedy hours every Saturday at 7 pm. I was going to go, but something came up, so you can have my ticket.”

“Really? Thanks!” Eloni smiled

-----------

“So, how was the show?” It was the Monday after the show and you were curious to hear Eloni’s new material.

“It was great! They’re definitely gonna love my new material!” Eloni pulled out his phone and began to show you a video. It was 1010 doing a tour around Vinyl City. Eloni paused the video and pointed at himself. He was dabbing. Between the Eloni in the video dabbing and real-life Eloni looking so proud, you couldn’t help but chuckle and this adorably dorky display. Eloni liked your laugh.

While the new material definitely got Eloni some fans, it still wasn’t enough. So you began to inquire about some of his hobbies

“Another way to get people to like you is to seem relatable. Do you have any hobbies?” You asked

“I bake in my spare time”

“Perfect! We can make a YouTube account and post some of your recipes there. Cooking channels are very popular, I even follow some myself.”

Your advice ends up working and Eloni begins to have his own fan club

He’s given the same love that his brothers are.

You’d think this would be the end of your job, afterall, you were hired to keep Eloni safe from angry fans, but now they all love him.

Instead, the lack of necessity for your job is strangely never brought up by Neon J and you continue business as usual.

You’ve got a crush on Eloni:

You recognize that you’ve got a crush immediately

Ever since Eloni became popular, the two of you’ve had fewer opportunities to talk to each other as he was constantly approached by fans

Having to stand by and watch Eloni be constantly flirted with made it pretty easy to realize your feelings

You decide to ignore these feelings

After all, your relationship was purely professional

Ok maybe all those times you accompanied him all over Vinyl City were just excuses to hang out, but still, your relationship was professional 

And his number was saved in your personal phone and you two often texted each other 

Even if your relationship was more than professional, Eloni had a lot more choices than you and you didn’t want to ruin what you had

Eloni realizes he’s got a crush:

It first started when he saw a stage technician flirting with you. Eloni got annoyed by this, but he didn’t know why.

It took a while for Eloni to realize his feelings. He at first mistook his crush as just being glad that you were his friend

Eloni also began to think about you a lot. Not just about your advice, but he also began to be reminded of you wherever he went.

It wasn’t until the middle of a baking stream that he realized that he had a crush on you

Eloni tries to flirt with you:

Attempt #1, the 1010 style:

Eloni decided to make his move. 

“Hey, Y/N!” You turned around to face the green robot. “Have you thought of joining 1010? Cause you're definitely a ten out of ten.”

“That was a really good one! You should definitely use that during the concert.” You replied, unable to tell the difference between Eloni asking if his lines were good and him flirting with you. Eloni hid his disappointment, but I guess that’s what happens when you use someone as practice for your pickup lines.

Attempt #2, the sweet way:

Eloni decided to take a more “traditional” route by giving you a box of homemade chocolate. And by giving you a box of chocolate, he would place it on top of your locker and would tell you it was him when you opened it.

Eloni waited for you to show up, but you never did. He was about to search for you when he was suddenly stopped by Neon J.

“Troop, this is Emiro.” Neon J gestures to the robot next to him, “He’ll be your bodyguard for tonight.”

“What happened to Y/N?”

“Y/n had an allergic reaction to something they had been eating. Thankfully, they had an epipen on them, but they're taking the rest of the day off.” With that, Neon J left Eloni with the realization that you were probably allergic to the chocolate he made. He was definitely not telling you that he made it.

Attempt #3, third times the charm:

This time, the rest of 1010 decided to devise a plan to help their brother. 

They knew Eloni would probably never confess outrightly and while his feelings for you were obvious to Neon J and them, it would take a bit more effort for you to notice.

NSR was hosting a party on the anniversary of the company's creation. And with parties came a lot of security.

You and several other members were assigned to go undercover as party guests and report anything suspicious

This meant that instead of your usual attire, you wore a dress/suit 

You still had your watch(the Eloni signal) with you as it also doubled as a radio that you could use to notify staff of suspicious activity

You had been casually chatting with other NSR staff when your watch had started to beep rapidly

Eloni was in trouble

You immediately rushed off to find him, it had been months since he last needed to signal you so it must’ve been bad

You turned around the corner to where Eloni was, only to be met with Haym.

“Haym?”

“Oh hey Y/N! How's it going?”

“Hello, Haym. I’m sorry, but I can’t really talk right now. I’m looking for Eloni, but my watch says he’s right here.”

“Don’t worry, I know where he is!” Haym proceeded to push you into a nearby room. You try to open the door only to find that it was locked. You tried to call someone on your watch, but it was gone. Haym must’ve taken when he pushed you.

“Haym, what the hell is going on! Let me out!” You said while banging on the door. He was kinda your boss, but you had a much more casual relationship with the other members of 1010.

“Y/N?” A voice said behind you. You turned around only to find Eloni. You could tell because of the green eyes and cheeks, which dimly lit the darkroom.

“Eloni? Is that you?” You couldn’t really tell due to how dark it was.

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Good. Do you happen to know why Haym locked us into this room?”

“Well, my brothers thought it would be funny if….” Eloni hesitated.

“Please tell me this isn’t some messed up version of seven minutes in heaven.”

“What, nonono!” Eloni’s fans began to whir loudly

“Right, sorry. Not like I’d have a chance anyway,” you mumbled that last part 

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, Well it’s just you're a famous idol and you’ve got a lot of fans, you know?

“Who cares if I’m famous! That doesn’t make you any less incredible than you are. You’ve made me so happy and you helped me become popular! You were my first fan and I would love to go on a date with you! Eloni froze after realizing what he said.

“Wait, you like me?”

“Yeah”, Eloni blushed, I have for a while. I understand if you want to forget that this happened. I’m really sorry and I-“ 

You cut Eloni off with a kiss.

“Don’t worry. I feel the same way.”

----------------------------------------------------

“I’m going to the roof to stargaze. Would you like to join me?” Eloni asked. You had managed to unlock the door, and by unlock, you kicked the door open.

“Well I’m supposed to be out on the lookout for suspicious people,” Eloni’s face began to slightly falter. “But, my main objective is to keep you safe, so It’s best if I go with you. After all, you know how crazy fans can get.” With that, the two of you headed towards the roof. 

“Well, that was really cheesy,” Zimelu said, peering his head behind a corner, before getting smacked by Rin.