#*cries in lack of arthur design*

[idontparticularlyliketoast]

[fizzzyz]

Madame Anthrax redesign 💃💃

She looked kind of goofy and wonky in her first design and it just didn’t feel right so I gave her a make-over which I like much more.

(Protagonist/Arthur for scale)

Anthrax has more backstory and mischevious plans now but I’m not really sure if I should spoil them, but, who knows if this will even be a game in the future? And if so it would take years :/

She was born in a happy and healthy family, with loving parents and one younger sister. Money was not a problem, during their time they were rich. Anthrax was showing symptoms of psychopathy from the age of 7 years old, and at 12 years old she was sent to a children’s mental hospital to rehabiliate. Her name was Susanne, but she had earned her nickname ”Anthrax” by the personnel at the mental hospital because of her vicious and twisted behaviour.

At 14 years old, doctors realized she was never going to snap out of her psychopathy, not even an ounce, she only seemed to get worse as time progressed. They thought she lacked human emotions and feelings, so they did not view her as a human. Anthrax was too manipulative and hostile to be kept in the children’s hospital, so she was moved to an isolated mental hospital for adults. There was no point of treatment anymore, in fact, they saw her more as an opportunity of lab experiments. So she became a labrat. She was experimented on to discover the human lenghts of how big and tall a human could truly grow. For 5 years she screamed and cried from her bones and flesh growing inhumanly much. She was in constant pain. But despite all this she did not die, she only grew stronger. At 19 years old, Anthrax killed every single person in sight with whatever seemed deadly enough. She escaped before police could get her, and she was free.

Anthrax is not traumatized over what she had to go through in the hospital, no, she was inspired. The experiment that had been performed on her inspired her to experiment on other humans. She changed her identity and temporarily moved to Canada to study. She returned to America at the age of 31 to the city that is now called ”Arsentropolis”. She was not able to experiment much until the dystopia broke out.

Madame Anthrax knows just as much how her victims suffer, she went through it too, but she does not feel a single pity or remorse. She does not care.

Old design below cut 🕺

[todayimgonnaplay]

Today I'm Gonna Play: Red Dead Redemption 2

To be honest, I'm a GTA fan (yes I'm also excited for 6). I had 0 intention of ever playing the Red Dead series as I'm not into the Wild West, but I copped it on a whim a few years ago. Did this game change my mind about the setting? Let's find out. Spoiler: It kind of did.

This game is massive. Like REALLY massive. Both in the game world, mechanics and even the storage space. There's so much to do that you could either get excited by it all and want to try everything out, or get overwhelmed. I initially felt the former and then the latter after the novelty wore out, which made me focus on story mode after the first 10 hours of my playthrough or so. I also went on and off with this game due to performance issues but got it fixed down the lane. But anyways, this world is definitely a lot more alive than I expected. The biggest feature that got me was that you could interact with NPCs. Greet them, antagonize them, defuse the situation or rile it up even more.. I can't think of any other game that does that. And what surprised me even more were the random events. I enjoyed doing them in GTA V since a couple of the dialogue were just absolutely nuts, but RDR 2 takes it up a notch in a different way. Your actions ACTUALLY have consequences. I've had NPCs remember me for saving them, or see their life turned around (didn't experiment with being a jerk to them) which made them feel like real people. I've been in situations where it was too late to get to them, and all I was left with was a brutal, grim silence and a sense of mourning. I still remember when I was crossing by a mountain during the night, and came across a man being attacked by a wolf from afar. He was screaming in a foreign language (assuming Spanish), and I tried to aim at the wolf, but I was too late. That moment has been haunting me since then. Another great aspect is probably the elephant in the room, the story. Admittedly with my lack of interest in this kind of setting, I wasn't too hooked in the beginning. Didn't care much about the characters or even the protagonist. I'm so happy to say I was proven wrong by the second half when everything started to pick up. I don't think I've seen a better protagonist than Arthur Morgan, nor did I realize the significance of his journey and how much of an impact he can make around him based on what you do. Rockstar somehow managed to create an anti-hero so ruthless (in terms of what he does) yet so emotional. He's a great example of being imperfect, but yet tries to be better with any means possible. Arthur is one of those protagonists that I would remember for a long time, like a friend. However, I do have some nitpicks about the game. As detailed and impressive this game is, it does have some complex controls. For PC players, playing this on keyboard would be an absolute nightmare with the amount of actions in this game (but if you do play this on keyboard comfortably, hats off to you!). It seems like a game that's better designed for controllers. Even apart from multiple controls, there were times where the controls themselves were a little rough. Many times I've accidentally knocked over someone simply because the game couldn't stop me in time, or I take about 5 seconds to try to do something specific with my horse because I'm not lined up properly to trigger the action. It's a bit of a weird downgrade from previous Rockstar games.

And although this game enourages you to take it slow, there were times where I just really wanted to get to my destination asap. As much as the game is beautiful, it does give a bit of a sensory overload at times. In cases like this you would normally use fast travel, but this is only restricted to travelling from your camp (which is your base). So if you're in the middle of nowhere and far from your camp, good luck.

Nevertheless, this was the type of game that had me thinking a lot after playing. I also admittedly cried for an entire week, and no game or piece of media in general has made me cry for that long. I think it's worth trying it out even if cowboys or that particular time period are not your thing. You might end up liking it, or not. And they're both okay.

[tommyspeakycap]

HF for how Tommy feels on his daughters wedding day please

first half is headcanons and the second half is a lil blurb!

tommy is quite literally distraught

like that’s no exaggeration he is literally heart broken

his baby, his whole world was getting married

for the past 20 years, you had been tommy shelby’s whole world

you were born when tommy was only 17

not even an adult yet himself

so it felt as though you had been with him most of his life

it had kind of just been you and him, in a sense

of course there was the rest of the clan too, and you were incredibly close to them as well

but your mother died in childbirth, so tommy was both mum and dad

he had to do it all alone in that sense

everyone tells him he should be so proud of how he raised you

because you’re sweet and kind

and you have that humour that the war took from tommy

you made people laugh like he had

and you were really the only person that could make him laugh

you were strong, like your mother tommy had always said

but you credit everything you are to him

he was the first man to love you, and teach you how you should be loved

he also taught you how you should be treated, generally a lot better than the average father would

tommy made sure that his daughter would be treated like a queen

you were his princess

so whomever you were to marry, you would be treated as their queen

he made absolutely sure of that

and that marrying was your choice

not something you were coerced into for money or business, but something you wanted

and it was

with a man who you had loved since 16

tommy liked him as much as he could like the man that was going to be taking his baby girls hand and changing her name

the thought of you not being (y/n) shelby, tommy shelby’s little princess, was earth shattering to him

although you had insisted you were keeping it in the middle

alas, tommy knew you were so loved by that man

be that as it may, all parties knew if he stepped a foot out of line or raised a finger in anything but gentility and love

then he would be struck down in a timely and violent fashion by tommy himself

tommy definitely cries that day too

“Tommy?” Grace’s voice immediately draws his attention towards her and away from his thoughts about the impending fact his little girl was getting married in half an hour. His eyes are that kind of wet that shows he’s fighting tears, that he won’t dare let them fall. Grace can see the lump he tries to swallow in his throat and a piece of her heart breaks for him as she sits down on the bench next to him outside the hall where the ceremony would take place. You were inside getting the dress on and getting your hair done with Polly and Ada and previously Grace before she had come out to see if her husband was okay.

He was not.

“Oh Tommy,” Her voice is so soft and caring as she wraps her arm around him and rubs his shoulder, hugging him to her slightly. “She looks so beautiful Tom, and god she’s so happy; can’t stop smiling at all. She still has that smile you talk about, the innocent one and it looks just like yours does sometimes.” Tommy clenches his jaw tightly, still refusing to let those tears go. She sees him clamp down his teeth over his bottom lip to stop it trembling. “It’s alright Tommy, this is good. She’s in love with a man who loves her so much. Almost as much as you do.”

Tommy shakes his head at that, one hand on his knee to brace himself as he tries to speak. “Not possible.” He snips, “And i loved her first.”

His voice breaks on that. The lip finally trembles and he hangs his head with a sharp inhale to let free that shoulder shaking sob. “She was my little baby. How is that my little girl in there? She used to-” Tommy had to pause again, roughly wiping his hand over his face to clear away the tears as he looks up at Grace, “She used to be this big,” he gestures with his hands in a way that she imagined was meant to be him cradling a baby. His voice sounds drastically different than she’s used to because it’s clouded by his tears and his agony.

“She used to ask me to brush her teeth and comb her hair and lift her up to wash her hands,” he bleats, images flashing through his mind of that short little girl who couldn’t reach the bathroom sink. He sees the little girl who stood on top of the toilet so he could brush those teeth and he can see the smile that little girl gave him all those nights when he asked to see to make sure he had brushed them right. “She used to climb into my bed every morning and she used to save up her tooth fairy money to buy us all gifts. She’d save food from her dinner for the dogs on the street and i swear on my life i don’t know how to live without her being my baby girl, Grace.” Tears continue to stream down his cheeks as Grace notices the black and white photograph that looked truly as though it had been through the war; as it had. it was stained and slightly run and it was crumpled. A little girl with a toothless grin and Tommy Shelby’s eyes, even with the lack of colour to the old photograph.

“It’s alright Tommy,” Grace hums, rubbing her husbands back soothingly, “She’s your little girl, she always will be.” She knew there was really nothing else she could say that would ease his pain. There was nothing anyone could do or say that would send you back to the little girl he would could throw over his shoulder and run around the house with. There was nothing that could ease the pain of a fathers aching heart when his baby girl becomes a woman who doesn’t need him like she used to.

“Thomas?”

He and Grace look up at Polly. The look in her eyes speaks for her . “She’s ready?” Tommy asks, prompting his aunt to nod her head with a smile. “Come on then, Tom!” Arthur calls from the grand doorway at the top of the steps to the hall. When Tommy and Grace reach him, Arthur wraps his arm roughly around his brothers shoulder and pulls Tommy into him. “Baby (y/n) getting fuckin’ married eh? Can’t fuckin’ believes she’s this fuckin grown up.” He shakes his head, taking his arm away from his brother when they reach the door of the dressing room where you were waiting. “Beautiful she is, Tom.” Arthur says, “Looks just like mum. In you go.” He ushers his younger brother in that door.

Nobody sees Tommy Shelby quite like you do, and he’s happy for it to stay that way. He’s known it since you were a tiny little girl wrapped up in his arms. He doesn't love anyone like he loves you, so it makes full sense that you are the only person in the world who he allows his vulnerability to fully leak through with. Although, he probably couldn't prevent it even if he tried.

Maybe that’s why he doesn't fight so hard to keep his eyes from welling up when he sees you standing there looking in the mirror, donned in the most beautiful white wedding gown that he’s ever seen. Placed in his hand is the stunning light veil that he had picked out for you. The headband was something like a tiara, because you were his princess and he truly believed that everything you had should be the best the world could offer. The dress too had been extortionate and you would never have gotten it had you known the price it had come to, but Tommy had never allowed you to know. He simply had the designers bring an array of dresses to his estate where you tried them all on with Polly, Ada, Lizzie, Grace, Linda and Esme to comment and complement each dress, as well ad aide you on picking the one that suited you the most with cost never a mention. Tommy had preached he ‘no expense spared’ approach the whole way through the planning of the wedding and any timenhe caught you trying to cut or manage costs, he simply shut you down and enforced the rule that the wedding planner was no longer allowed to discuss prices with you. 

He had truly created the most fantastical day for you, and he would have spent every single penny that he had if it meant giving you the most beautiful start to a new life that he could give. 

You had wanted him to be the one to place that veil on your head with the guidance of your hair dresser to ensure he didn't mess up the design of your hair. He had been the one to place little plastic tiaras on your head when you were merely a little girl who wanted to play princess dress up. He used to be the one to comb back your hair and twirl you around that Watery Lane kitchen with Arthur did the same with Ada and Polly laughed heartily from her seat at the table. 

It felt right to have him put a tiara on you one last time as baby Shelby. 

“You’re beautiful.” He breathes, his lips stretching into a wide and incredibly proud smile. “So, so very beautiful my darling.” Your cheeks blush ever so slightly and you lean over to kiss his cheek. “Thank you, dad.” 

He wants to hug you tightly and never let you go. He wants to will and wish you back to the little girl that he used to twirl around all afternoon. He missed that little girl so much. He had so much love in his heart for you, so much that it overwhelmed him every time he had tried to acknowledge it over the course of your life. 

“I love you.” he says, his shaky voice conveying how much he actually means those words. “So much more than you can ever know. I’m going to miss you so much.” 

You breathe a short laugh, shaking your head at him. “I’m not going anywhere, dad. I’ll still be seeing you all the time. I’ll just have a different name.” You hold his hand tightly in yours as he leads you out of the dressing room and into the hall towards the large double doors that would take you to the isle. 

“Mhm,” he hums, “I suppose. You’ll understand what I mean someday. I just love you so much.” 

“I love you too.” 

“You two ready to go?” The wedding planner asks, watching as you turn to Tommy somewhat excitedly and nod. “You ready dad?” You ask, giving his had a reassuring squeeze. He sighs heavily, but nods his head too, removing his hand from yours and moving his arm so that you can link yours through his. His play on his mind before he says them, a small smile too playing on his lips as the nickname that he used to call you runs through his memory.

“Ready as I’ll ever be, my little love.” 

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 119

Insight into the writing process for the last.... Sixtyish? chapters of this story: @baelpenrose and I have a couple days a week set aside where we hop into the shared documents for our various projects, and we will work on one chapter for me and one chapter for Bael, while the other is either on the phone or in a chat, riffing away.  It’s super interactive, usually fun, and sometimes heartwrenching.

Due to scheduling conflicts with the holidays and living on opposite coasts, we weren’t able to ‘live-beta’ this chapter, unfortunately. However, our wonderful friend @charlylimph-blog stepped in to work with me on this chapter.  Real-Charly is arguable more of a delight than fictional-Charly, so...

HUGE warning for your ribs hurting. Please consume this chapter responsibly.

(Also: Shoutout to @zommbiebro, as always, for Jokul.)

“Arrows are better for distance though!” Charly insisted as she, Tyche, and I headed to the gym for a workout.  After spending the day figuring out schedules for meeting with my new mentees and deciding what they can and cannot be privy to just yet, Tyche and I had plenty of pent up frustration and energy to get out, and Charly was always willing to come spar with us.

We had the weirdest concept of a girls’ night, in retrospect, but it worked for us.

“If I’m that far away from them, I’ll run or hide or both,” Tyche waved off the objection. “Besides, I can set snares for hunting, so really a knife is much better. Very all-purpose.”

“Hand knives are usually not balanced for throwing though,” I pointed out. “There’s a lot of compensation going on with that.”

Tyche flicked a small dagger out of, apparently, the ether and started flipping it through her fingers. “This one does both, and very well. I should know.” Smirking, she held it out, handle-first for Charly to inspect.

With a comically grudging sigh, she took it before inspecting it closely.  Balancing it across one finger, she jiggled it slightly. “The center is still half an inch toward the handle,” she grumbled before handing it back.

Tyche grinned sunnily. “I knew you’d like it!”

“I still have all ten toes, so I’m going to assume you don’t have that out for me,” a sardonic voice intoned, interrupting our conversation. We turned around to see Arthur, Jokul, and Ivan behind us. “Three way spar today?” Arthur asked, nodding at Charly.

“Weights and hand-to-hand,” I confirmed.

“Someone’s stressed.” His eyebrows lifted in slight surprise.

I nodded before eyeballing the other two men. “What about y’all? Don’t you normally spar with Conor if you want a third?”

“They want to work on grappling and wrestling techniques today,” Ivan smiled and waved. “So, first we’re going to show cutie-pie here the basics, then we’ll show Conor.” He elbowed Jokul jokingly.

Jokul looked down and shuffled his feet.  It was almost cute.  Clearing his throat, he looked up and very pointedly looked at me and Tyche, but not Charly. “Grappling is a gap in my defense,” he confessed. “Even Conor is better at it, for all that he lacks technique.”

“Oh, Ivan can definitely help you with that,” Charly confirmed, ignoring being ignored. “He taught me how. He’s an excellent teacher. No offense, Mr. Farro.”

Arthur smirked and assured her, “None taken.”

Oddly, Jokul seemed to pale as he glanced down at Ivan. “You know each other?” he asked with barely-concealed panic.

“Oh, absolutely,” Ivan agreed, to Jokul’s apparent horror. Thankfully, the taller man was standing slightly behind his partner and couldn’t see his expression. “When she found out I’m a blacksmith, she practically demanded that I make her something for kettle corn. She had all the designs drawn up and everything. It was really cool.”

Tyche and I glanced at each other as the final piece clicked. This is the man responsible for the whirlypop.

Charly nodded enthusiastically. “Yep! And then one night, we got drunk, someone dared us to wrestle, and -“

“And she won,” Ivan cut off, winking at Charly. “The less said about that the better. Someone here fights dirty!”

“Did she bite you, too?” Arthur asked, more curious than sympathetic.

Charly, Tyche, and I all three automatically shouted in unison, “THAT WAS ONE TIME!”

“Wait, she bit you?” Ivan asked Arthur, eyebrows rocketing upwards. Arthur shook his head before gesturing toward Jokul. Ivan turned, finally, to his partner. “You!? What did you do to make her bite you, mister?”  His scolding tone gave me second hand embarrassment as I watched Jokul turn practically neon red.

“There was… a misunderstanding.” Jokul stammered out. “Of sorts. It was before, when I had… issues, with Councilor Reid, and Ms. Harper pushed her out of the way, and - “

“Okay, I get it,” Ivan cut him off mercifully. “You took a swing at her friend, she took the hit, then she bit you.” Gently stroking Jokul’s hair, he made reassuring noises. “It’s okay. I swear she’s not that scary.  She only bites in emergencies.”

“Or for fun,” Charly chimed in.

“Or for fun, with consent,” Ivan added. “I’ve sparred with her loads of times and she never bit me in the process.”

All I could do was nod in agreement, while Tyche pointed at herself and did the same.

“To be fair, it was a real fight and you’re twice my size. I wanted to get your focus off Sophia and end the fight. So, overwhelming force,” Charly pointed out.  Slowly, she walked over to Jokul, eyes glued on his reaction the entire time. “But, we’re friends now, right? Ate lunch together and everything? Well, you ate Sophia’s lunch and I ate mine, but still.”

Jokul squinted at her skeptically, nodding slowly.

Arthur patted him roughly on the back. “I know, it takes getting used to.  Generally she uses her chaotic necromancy for good, though.”

“No necromancy in the house!” Tyche gasped, jokingly swatting Charly on the arm. “We talked about this.”

“But how am I supposed to find my cleaning supplies!? I don’t want to carry them all over the ship!”

“Store them next to the mustaches and the popcorn?”

“Those are kept next to the reanimated corpse of the Elder God in the basement,” Charly sighed. “I guess I’ll need new ones.”

“New mustaches?”

“New corpses.”

“Is she like this all the time?” Jokul asked, panic melting into confusion as he glanced between Arthur and Ivan. “Mustaches… a basement?”

“You get used to it, cutie,” Ivan chuckled.

Arthur nodded. “And there are far more otters and boba tea involved than biting, I’ve found.”

“Otters? Tea?” The confusion devolved into complete bewilderment.

I explained Charly’s pranking tendencies, including hacking the settings on Arthur’s datapad. “And sparkly pens,” I added, making Arthur groan.

“They were pink!” he cried, throwing his hands in the air dramatically. “Of all the colors! Pink!”

Jokul arched an eyebrow at Arthur’s antics, looking more like his normal, imperious self. “Miss Harper. Please tell me more about the boba tea and otters portion of this. I do believe we could negotiate a truce.”

“Jokul, those were pranks she played on people,” I warned him.

He waved a hand at me. “I want to see what is necessary to get polar bear cubs,” he insisted before dangling an offer that made me groan: “I will teach you to throw axes.”

Charly cackled with glee as she hooked her arm through his. “Why, Mr. Bjornson! I believe this may be the start of a beautiful friendship!  Throw in a sparring match or two and you shall have all the baby polar bears you could dream of.”

“Heeee’s doomed,” Arthur pronounced, not even bothering to be quiet about it. “He’s negotiating with a chaos entity who is quite likely from another dimension. He. Is. Toast.”

“Yep,” Ivan, Tyche, and I agreed in unison.

“And Charly is going to learn how to throw an axe,” I pointed out.

A round of collective sighs preceded another “Yep.”

<< Prev   Masterlist  Next >>

[earthingoddity]

so you know how y’all are constantly like: “what’s there to like about season five???”. i decided to make a list *-*

1. the discussion of disability in a teenage show. how many teenage shows can you name featuring disabled characters? and how many of those feature a character becoming disabled in the course of the show and having to adapt to that? i was very surprised when i realized this was the route they were going to take this season and i think it was very well done.

so let’s break that down:

1.1 they actually made sure to talk about other disabilities. i know some people will say they were just doing the bare minimum, but i disagree. that is such a complex theme, they could’ve easily said representing other disabilities respectfully would be a lot of work for only ten episodes, but they did their best with the limited amount of time they had.

1.2 the representation of the deaf community wasn’t limited to their disability. it actually pisses me off hearing people say “wow, for a while there, i even forgot arthur was deaf!” as if he *has* to let you know everytime he’s on screen. disabled people are more than their disabilities, thank you very much.

1.3 overall, it was a positive representation. they could’ve spent so much time going through all the things that would be too hard for arthur, but they actually had an entire episode where arthur was completely deaf - he took his hearing aids off - and it was a very happy and positive episode. he was having fun, clubbing, dancing, laughing with others, and i think we took a lot of that for granted in the midst of everything that was going on, but that was a really positive representation that didn’t limit itself to stereotypes around deaf/disabled people. i actually expected that they’d drag a lot longer the feeling of loneliness and discomfort of the first couple of episodes, but they quickly changed that rhythm, so that instead of focusing on what arthur was “losing”, they focused on everything that arthur was gaining - new friends, a new love interest and a new way to see the world. also, in relation to the whole implants thing, they delivered very in depth opposite perspectives on the matter and never felt like they were shaming one group or the other.

2. SyMbOLisM! skam france is very good at it and they nailed this aspect in season three. but there was a lot of it in season five as well. like the 7am clips in episode 2, that were used to show the lack of progression in arthur’s hearing and his growing frustration and how those clips were incredibly dark, to match his mood. episode 7 also had such an interesting meaning. with arthur taking the chance to explore the world without his hearing aids, he got to explore a whole *new* world, and not a lacking one, which ties very well with what i just said about being a positive rep, but also shows that the entire episode wasn’t about arthur finding a new layer of himself, but rather him just uncovering one that was already there.

3. use of music/sound effects. it can be hard to represent deafness in a media like a tv show, but skam france did it so well. the use of music is always very conscious in this remake; while others really go hard in the soundtrack, skam france hardly ever has background music, unless it means something. another small thing but that i loved was whenever arthur was taking off/putting on his hearing aids, if he was to put the left one first for example, the sound on the left side of your headphone would start first. it was such a small thing but made the experience a lot more immersive imo, as well as the use of muffled sounds, pitching, etc.

4. Arthur. i am always surprised whenever i hear people say that they liked arthur better when they were not in his pov. i completely disagree, but then again, i feel like this fandom has very unhealthy expectations on their mains, as if they haven’t watched already 4 seasons of the main making mistakes over and over again, lol. i loved getting to know more of arthur - he’s loyal AF and protective of the people he loves. he struggles in letting people in, though, and never wants to be a burden or worry others. he’s perceptive and quick to notice when his friends need help. he is also short-tempered and when he gets mad, it is explosive, but he doesn’t hold grudges for long. he was a much more complexed character than i imagined and he totally made this season for me.

5. le gang. this boysquad is the best, sorry. they’ve always been the funniest and warmest, but it was really nice how s5 explored all the sides of that relationship, including the not so pretty ones. they were the relationship i wanted the most angst from, and i am so happy i got it. i loved seeing how chaotic, but supportive they were of arthur though and they brought so many laughs this season.

5.1 the lack of toxic masculinity. i think this ties well with arthur, because it is amazing to me that even though we were following a straight white boy as a main this season, we had no moments of unhealthy masculine competition; le gang could actually talk about other things rather than just porn stars and jerking off (other boysquads Wish!); and arthur would literally flirt with anyone without a care in the world, because he’s certain of his sexuality like that. it was *refreshing* for once not to be confronted with these tropes that have become so common in teenage shows.

7. alexia. i have to talk about alexia separately here, because that’s the most we’ve ever seen from a chris character (not counting eskam cris, ofc), and i loved her so much. she wants to be a videogame designer and she’s creative and adorable. she always knew how to make arthur laugh, but also knew when he needed words of affirmation and she was never shy in telling him how much she loved him. it was also amazing seeing her open up about some of her insecurities, and that her confidence is something she had to work on as well. she was such a great friend & girlfriend and just ugh the best.

7.1 the female characters are badass and unapologetic. i am aware that the love triangle was unnecessary and a mess. but i am not mad about the way both characters were represented, because they were both great characters. i liked alexia more simply because i was already attached to her from previous seasons, but noée was badass as well and teaches arthur so much, and not only about her experience as a deaf person, but about life/love in general.

8. arthur’s relationship with his mom. we LOVE and STAN parents in the skamverse. arthur and his mom had the best relationship ever; i loved how they truly became a team by the end of the season. but since the moment she showed up, it meant so much that arthur could have at least one supportive and loving parent, no matter how much he screwed up or felt lost. his mom was really trying her best and i adored her.

9. *actual* adult advice. i understand why all the adults in the skamverse are a bit cringey and weird, but i feel like this results in these characters relying on each other’s poor advice throughout an entire season before they realize what they actually should do. and the talk with the school’s nurse and his doctor by the end of the season was meaningful AF and i wish something the remakes would explore more often, because it could resolve so many of their issues just talking to someone who knows better, lol.

10. the relationships with the girlsquad. i know this is actually very intentional of skam france - to build a specific kind of dynamic between the main and all the side characters. we saw that in season 3, and i think it’s a lot more evident here, but it still made a lot of sense and warmed my heart so much. arthur and imane were the purest - she was the first one to notice that something was wrong with him and also reached out to give him advice on how medical school could still be a possibility even with his disability when she absolutely didn’t have to, but she’s just a sweetheart like that. arthur and daphné had a lot more tension, which is understandable, because both are protective of their own best friends (bas and alexia) and would defend them to the ends of the earth. i think they honestly have a lot more in common than they think. but my favorite dynamic was arthur and emma. i totally did not expect for emma to have such a part in this season, but every single one of their interactions was Gold. emma could see a lot of herself in arthur and i think that’s why she was so quick to notice that he wasn’t interested in becoming a surgeon at all. that scene when she says it would’ve been nice to have arthur as a brother was the sweetest thing Ever.

11. i’ll finish with the acting. y’all, the guy who plays arthur literally CARRIED this season and i hope his back is doing fine. he was So powerful - he made me cry, and laugh, and feel frustrated. he delivered every single emotion perfectly. i also think that the fact these actors are friends irl (i assume? lol but i think i’ve seen them in each other’s personal IG stories) really helps their chemistry on camera. le gang feels like a group of brothers/best friends and they were always so natural and effortless in their interactions. the new actors also Rocked and delivered so much emotion even if they were using a completely different language and it was awesome.

(also, this just literally applies to *me*, a lucas lallemant HOE, but it was so nice seeing lucas up close from a different perspective. the fact we could still see so many layers of him: his emotional self, his bratty self, his supportive self, even a touch on his abandonment issues and everything made me so happy. i think sometimes i forget the lucas character was real and not something i made up because he feels too good to be true, and it was really interesting seeing him from arthur’s POV).

i’m not here defending the mistakes they made in s5, i don’t think it’s a perfect season either, but tbh i have yet to find what i consider to be a perfect season in the skamverse, so here’s just some things i liked about this season that i feel like y’all should take into consideration as well. thx

[cutegirlmayra]

I saw this idea played around with a few times but I'd love to see your take. Sonic and the Black Knight role reversal. Amy is the one sent to the time of King Arthur taking Nimue's place and she has to fight her back to her world. So sonamy and like I guess king arthur x amy as well. Also when Amy comes back Sonic is super worried but also relieved she's okay. Thank you very much ❤

I’m so sorry, I’m a little confused... who is she fighting? King Author as in a Sonic look-a-like or the Black Knight guy??? I’m gonna do my very best to interpret this and make it interesting :)b

Super excited to be back in Black Knight! Let’s see how it all turns out... shall we?

Prompt:

“I was so excited for my date with Sonic that I left early!” Amy skipped gleefully down the sidewalk as she headed towards the chilidog stand, but realized she was extremely early, and looked a little awkwardly to the large clock tower near her.

She sighed, not really upset about it, but sad she didn’t have a super power that could speed up time!

“Guess I’ll kill time with something else...” She looked around the place, it was bustling like a hive of shoppers, workers quickly trying to get through the crowds, and friends on their phones. “Hmm... Maybe there’s a cafe near by... ah!” Amy’s ears bent a little, worried she may be terribly bored if she took a white table outside and enjoyed the shade of their multi-colored umbrellas. However, in her moment of concern over what she was going to do for the time being, her eyes happened upon a cute little bookstore, looking like a part-antique shop as well!

“Now, that’s exciting!” She squee’d, shaking her fist she had raised excitedly and looking both ways before crossing the busy street over to it.

“On a corner and everything...” Her eyes shined with how perfect the scene looked for the setting of the little shop. “It’s so quaint! Teehee!” she kept that comment to herself but noticed the shopkeeper seemed to be wearing an old cloak of some-kind.

Her face was covered by the top of the cloak’s hood, and seemed to speak very quietly, “Are you lost, young child?”

“H-huh?” Amy turned to the voice, and apologetically waved her hand to show she didn’t meant to disturb her. “S-sorry, no... I was just browsing around, is that alright?”

The woman nodded her head, and Amy felt her demeanor was a little odd.

“A-alright then... thank you.” a bead of sweat slid down the side of her head slightly, seeing the woman didn’t even smile at her bubbly energy.

She was used to being seen as a ‘child’ but sort of hoped Sonic didn’t see her the same. They were only a few years apart, in a couple years, would that really keep them apart?

She definitely didn’t think so; after all, she was sticking close to his life, and he had agreed to even taking a ‘casual’ date with her for a quick snack!

She hoped it wouldn’t be too quick, but she had prepped all morning for it!

She immediately forgot the weird woman’s lack of communicative mannerisms and instead, was immediately taken aback in wonder at the back of the store. So many antiques! All full to the brim with knickknacks, home decor, and...

“Books?” Amy wasn’t surprised they were here, only that the shelf they had them on was tucked away in an odd spot, not up against a wall and hung high above you on shelves, but instead, was placed on a small, open spaced drawer with next to some dolls and china sets.

“Hmm, I guess I could buy a book and read it while I’m waiting for Sonic...”She felt sorry for their poor condition, putting a finger up to her mouth and wondering if her own collection needed a new--rescued--friend.

“Well, one adventure for another!” she thought that amusing, and began gently ruffling the wearing edges with her skimming fingers, going down and reading the book titles as she waited for something to catch her curiosities.

Amy was a creature that thrived off of mysteries. Sonic was the greatest mystery of all! And the adventures she’d join him on were just apart of further enjoying that mystery... He was aloof but deeply cared about things. Passionate about nature and encouraging of his friends and the potential they often couldn’t see in themselves.

“Kinda reminds me of-” she saw one book that gave her a magical sensation as her senses honed in on the good ‘juju’, since Amy was also a creature of fortunes and magic! “King Author!” she pulled the book up and looked at in excitement.

This was strange too... it seemed to almost look brand-new, unlike the old and dusty look of the other books.

The colors were vibrant but of darker hues, and the golden lining with decorative arches and designs didn’t seem to match this shop’s image of ‘old’ objects...

There was a circled shield almost with an orb in the center and an old English cross design, then the gold letters read: King Author, and the Knights of the Round Table.

“Well, welcome to Amy’s hands!” she giggled, deciding to not focus so much on the strange aura she was picking up from it.

Then, she began to move to take the book and purchase it, she suddenly heard a faint sound of jumbled words, as though a woman speaking.

She looked around, “H-huh?” She didn’t see anyone, and looked around the corners, “Is anyone there?”

      “O brave lady, swift as the wind you follow! Heed my call!”

The book began to shake with a blue light coming from it’s pages.

“Ahhh....!!!” Amy shrilly voice was heard falling through the blackened sky, as the woman looked up to remove her cloak, the shop keeper!?

Amy landed with a hard hit, making the others around her look to each other as though expecting something else.

Amy shook her head and gripped it, wobbly getting to her feet and then looking around. “Ahh!” she picked up a leg and tucked her arms in.

The woman was a bit shocked, looking up at the light above her head and then dashing towards Amy, as though it wasn’t what she expected, but she’d take any help she could summon.

“Being from another world,” she began, as Amy worriedly looked around her before turning behind her to the woman. “Forgive my abrupt summons!”

“Umm...” Amy looked at her dirty dress, “That’s one way to put it.” she dusted it off, “Hey, are you okay?” Immediately noticing she looked distress, Amy went over and gently placed her hands to the girl’s shoulder.

The girl was amazed at her kindness, and then looked down as though disappointed in the circumstance.

That’s when a black figure, smokey with purple glowing robes and golden armor, approached the two on a large horse.

Amy turned around not sure what to expect, but immediately put a hand out to defend the girl, summoning her hammer. “What’s going on? Are these people bullying you?!”

The woman looked more worried, her face turning to Amy and away from the strange man. “Please... I request a formal response to my plight.” she looked over her shoulder, as Amy also looked back, seeing the scary monsters behind her.

“Ohhh, I think I got caught up in something Sonic’s more used too... but that’s okay! I’ve got this!” Amy smirked, holding out her hammer with a few twirls and then dashing off.

The purple haired girl watched in amazement as Amy darted from foe to foe, hitting them valiantly with her hammer before landing back in front of Merlina.

Then it was a stare down... her and the mysterious black figure.

She wanted a mystery, now she’s got one!

“Lady of the Lake...” the man suddenly spoke out, flashing out his sword to his side in a mighty swipe, “My quarrel is not with you...”

“Huh? Lady...?” She tilted her head before a golden ray of light suddenly darted around her. “Ahh..!” she shielded her eyes from the dust that came up from the fast movements. “This.... wind...” she peeked out from her hands before the wind stood still... and she saw a familiar silhouette, but garnished in gold plated armor, and wielding a sword.

Her eyes widened, “Sonic!?” She happily charged towards him, tossing her hammer and jumping to embrace him from behind. “Oh, Sonic! So you’re here too!”

The figure smiled, but kindly turned to pat her hands from around him.

“Kindly, Milday, I’m afraid it’s too dangerous for introductions.”

Suddenly, her eyes blinked and she looked up to see Sonic’s face--phew! Not another blunder of identities!-- but...

“King Author!” Merlina looked a bit shaken by his arrival, as though wanting to avoid this.

She stepped back a moment, her face clearly worried struck, but Amy just looked between the two in astonishment. Stepping slowly away from him, she backed down and her face slowly lost it’s joy...

“King... Author?” She seemed very confused.

He continued to give her a pleasant smile, as though unfazed by her, and then turned heroically to the man in misty black.

As King Author hunkered down... before charging at the Black Knight, blade meeting blade in sharp sparks of light, Amy also cried out and began to summon her hammer again, ready to aid him.

“Sonic..!” She began to run back to help him, seeing the danger but Merlina immediately held her back, pulling her to her.

“No, you mustn’t!” she fell back with her, them both tumbling down.

Merlina used then pulled her staff forward, moving Amy off of her as though not really caring, to the side. She formed a spiral of wind that seemed to teleport her and Amy,... though...

“C-couldn’t you have-” Amy coughed from all the flying clouds of dust getting stuck in her lungs. “Done that without-” she hacked, “summoning me? Now I’ll be late for my date with Sonic! Ohhh!!!” she gripped her head, clearly in a dilemma as she was hoping she could end the conflict quickly enough to get back and tell Sonic her amazing adventure!

But... King Author? What was Sonic playing at?

Merlina put her staff down, as though annoyed, glaring at Amy.

“U-uh... is everything okay?” Amy got a bit nervous, but it seemed Merlina had taken an unexpected character change.

“You must report to the lake, at once. I’m Merlina, and in order to preserve the sad fate of this world, I’ll need your help to aid King Author and the Black Knight... you gave him his power, now you must take it back.”

Amy was very confused.

So, after some explaining, Merlina escorted Amy to the Lake, where Amy was to use her ‘powers’ to restore the Lake’s magical properties and help King Author defeat the Black Knight, a false king.

“I’m... Uh, I love the dress! Don’t get me wrong! But...” She was in the lake up to her ankles, as a dress of sprayed water spiraled around her and gave her Nimune’s icon look. “I’m not the Lady of the Lake!”

“You must be, the missing piece was meant to be King Author himself... but for some twist of the story... fate has removed you instead.” she explained, “I’m unable to assist you further, I must guide the King and Knight to duel... only then,...” she gripped her staff and looked down and away from Amy, as though sticking her courage to the sure place in her heart... “Can my purposes be completed.”

“Y-yeah, umm...” Seeing the odd nature of this girl, Amy wanted to find out what those ‘purposes’ actually were... But Merlina began to walk away before she could ask. “H-hey!” Amy stumbled in her new dress, feeling the weight of its bottom lining being dragged down by water weight.

“Wait!” She called out, lifting the now heavy dress up and waddling out of the water...

“I must save this world...” Merlina vanished, and with it, Amy’s only hope for further intel on how she was meant to revive the lake and help the so-called, King.

“Ha....Haha...” her fingers twitched outstretched in the air, the corner of her mouth doing the same as she fell to her knees. “Now what am I gonna do!? I want to help, but my Sonic’s waiting for me in my own world!” She seemed unsure of where to go next, but then a voice spoke to her and she looked up towards the sky.

“My current wielder may be immortal... but my voice still echoes this lake. Lady... You must take the place of my master, Nimue, the only one who can hear my voice...”

“W-who are you..?” 

‘What is it now..!?’ Amy whined in her head.

“I am the scabbard, missing my other-half, Excalibur. I will tell you all you need to know... to heal this lake’s magic, to assist the King, and to allow this world’s destiny to unfold.”

“O-oh... can we get it done before lunch time?” Amy rose a weary finger, as though not sure if she should really be requesting something so petty at what sounded like a quest so dire.

“I-I mean... if possible, anyway...”

“Hmm... I will see what I can do.”

“I just want to go on my date.” Amy admitted, but straightened up her dress, “But this world needs me! And think of how amazed Sonic’s gonna be when I tell him I became the Lady of the Lake in King Author! He’ll be like- ‘Oh wow, that’s so cool, you’re so cool, Amy. I didn’t realize you were so cool and summoned on cool adventures too. I should stay by your side so I can come too and see how cool you are! Ahhh, you should marry me! I should marry you! Let’s get married!’ hehe~ I’m in!” Amy got herself pumped up, her imaginings taking over as the voice seemed to grow quiet... as though awkwardly waiting for her to refocus again.

It wasn’t long before Amy did learn to use magic, and it was thrilling! The scabbard’s voice told her everything she needed through the increasing power of the Lake, and even Amy could feel her power rising as suddenly from within the Lake House’s tea room, the voice told her the King had arrived...

A talking sword?

‘Well, I speak with a disembodied scabbard, so yeah, that works.’ she shrugged to herself, but the scabbard instructed her to be more lady-like...

“I’ve got this.” She whispered, winking to the sky as she hid behind a pillar, then rippled herself to teleport and appear in front of the king. “I’ve been waiting for you...” She smiled kindly.

In her mind’s eye though, she was squee’ing. ‘He looks so handsome! Ack! Wait! Oh no!’ horror suddenly struck her within her mind’s eye as she continued her scripted conversation with King Author. ‘If Sonic finds out I missed our date to go on a date and save another world with another hero that looks exactly like him, what will he say!? Of course I know what he’ll say!’ she acted out his part again, rambling in her imaginations as her act of Nimue still played out. ‘Amy, I can’t believe you would do this to me. Lie just to see another guy? Who is he? I’m heartbroken! Ahh!’ She acted as though he’d run away in tears. ‘Nooo...!!!’ she acted her desperate cry as she laid on the ground, reaching for him escaping.

‘I’ll just hurry through this! I won’t lead him on or anything. It’ll be perfectly fine and I won’t need to fib to Sonic!’ she nodded her head but the sword spoke to the King and he nodded to it.

“You’re right, where are my manners?” He suddenly took her hand, stopping her from guiding him back to the lake’s bridges.

“A-ah, um...” she panicked slightly, looking at the Lake’s gazebo like design and not sure why he had stopped her.

He bent to a knee, and immediately caught her curiosity...

Her eyes widened as she slowly turned around, forgetting everything for a moment as this Sonic look-a-like placed his other hand up to his other shoulder, bowing to her respectfully. “Milady, I am King Author of the Round Table. I humbly ask your assistance, and thank you for your speedy audience with him. I’m very glad to see and meet you... once more.” He lightly pecked her hand with a gentlemen’s kiss, and Amy had to do everything in her power not to lose her ‘regal’ and ‘refined nobility’ persona.

Flinching from her fangirling, she slowly turning to shake a hand towards the room. “S-shall we discuss the venture more inside... S-sir-”

“No, your Majesty!” the scabbard protested.

‘Sheesh! you’re just as bad as his talking sword!’ She scolded back, and then turned with a shaky grin with reddened cheeks. “I-I mean... your majesty.”

Where the heck was Guinevere?!

Amy didn’t want to get jealous of some other Sonic, after all, she would never cheat. Unfathomable really. B-but... she hoped there was another dimensional Amy... but if she was the Lady of the Lake then???

They walked into the room and sat down, Amy nervous that she was on a ‘date like scenario’ with another man, and trying to just go through her script as instructed.

However... his eyes were so gentle. They pulled her in and made her script softer... slower... as though she couldn’t fight the loving look of interest in his eyes.

“I’m the one who gave it to him... so it’s kinda my fault... S-see?” she looked down, before turning away and putting her hands to her cheeks. ‘Amy Rose The Hedgehog! You will NOT, under any circumstances, swoon and blush over this guy!’ she firmly told herself. ‘E-even if he’s a gentlemanly Sonic... h-he’s also not Sonic! Don’t forget that, okay..?’

“But still...” Amy told herself, not realizing she had said this out loud as she moved her face back to the table.

His head tilted slightly, “Still what?” he politely took some tea and sipped it, but every little gesture looked so appealing to Amy, he was only drinking and his smile completely wounded her ‘loyal girlfriend’ pride.

‘It’s only because he LOOKS like Sonic!’ Amy was so flustered, she suddenly realized it was likely that she had missed her date with Sonic already... M-might as well take the date in this world... with this Sonic... r-right?

But she wasn’t cheating cause it was a Sonic! Just a... more princey... Sonic...

“Whoever takes this fake King’s scabbard... might end up turning out the same way, right?” She suddenly grew worried about him, and her girlish delight in seeing Sonic in him suddenly turned to worry for this look-a-like.

King Author suddenly gave her a warm reassurance as he offered her his hand, “Milady, are you worried about me?” he set the drink down, took her hand as she flinched to not move it, unsure if she should really indulge in this ‘fantasy’ of sorts.

“I see...” His talking sword stated, and she smiled a bit knowingly at it, as though making fun of the fact that she knew what he was to become.

“I can promise you, Milady.” he did the same hand to the shoulder bow gesture, not breaking eye-contact with her as she remembered his sword was right there and they weren’t really alone... “I will make all things right.”

‘You certainly are...’ she looked at his hand in hers... how she longed for her unknown date with Sonic to have happened... just like this...

“I’ll use every bit of my power to aid you...” she continued, speaking as though she was talking to her Sonic... “I would never let you down, Sonic... I-”

“Sonic?” His hand moved slightly from its light hold on hers, sliding slightly out of it.

“O-oh!” she blushed again, “S-sorry!” waving her hand out, she tried to cover up her blunder. “W-what I mean is... I have three tests for you.”

He shifted himself more towards her, giving her more attention than Sonic had ever seemed to do while she was looking.

“Y-your majesty?” she felt the same excitement she would if it really was Sonic, his face made it hard to distinguish the two, but his personality was clearly a dead giveaway.

“Whatever is concerning you...” He placed his other hand over her own, holding her hand now with both of his. His armor glistened in the light off the surface of the lake, and Amy’s whole being stood still in that moment... except for her chest that rose up and down, worried how if Sonic really was here... or yet, aware of what was going on, wouldn’t he not be okay with this?

She didn’t want to lie to him, she wanted to tell him what had happened and why she had missed their date... how would she explain this? She couldn’t just not tell him!

“I will be there to vanquish the thought.” He looked down at her hand, “Your hand... heh.” she couldn’t help but fall for that subtle chuckle. “It’s trembling. Why is that? I thought you held no fear in the world... after all, when we met, you acted like my honesty was a blessing that very few possessed. Tell me, Nimue... Do you still doubt my virtue?”

She immediately met his eyes, realizing he had seen through her and knew she was nervous about something. “No, my king!” she immediately took on the role, thinking that maybe this Nimue... could be his Guinevere... except, not betray him or anything like that for a Lancelot!

Who, at the moment, she didn’t know looked like another familiar face...

In fact, she wouldn’t know this till later, and get very white in the face with the awkward realization that Guinevere could be a gender-bent character as well in this world.

She didn’t want to think of what that meant...

“I... Only fear for your safety, Dear Author.” she removed her hand, trying to stay ‘professionally acting’ but smiled slightly behind her withdrawn hand at how romantic this Sonic seemed to be.

“Dear..?” He gave her a sly look with his eye, and she had to look away.

‘No flirting!’ she mentally slapped her hand, as though that was the root of all evil.

They continued speaking, and as she escorted him along the bridge, he kept his proximity close to her... and as she held her head low, she could tell he wanted this meeting to be closer... as though two lovers walking out from a rendezvous.

‘Oh, forgive me, Sonic...’ Amy thought to herself, not wanting to constantly be in her head all the time... but...

She glanced up at him again, and he was happily, politely, still engaging her in talk of his life after they met... she hoped that the real Nimue would show up soon, ‘Your King in shining armor is waiting for you... he misses you so much.’ she bent her eyes to him, so happy that at least in one world, Sonic was surprisingly sweet and romantic.

“You have three days.” she almost said this to get him to turn around... to see his face once more.

As he did, he bowed again and took her hand, kissing it lightly, before giving her a long pause as though he didn’t want to verbally say goodbye.

“Good luck...” she slowly moved her hand out of his own... and used her Lake magic to ripple away and appear on the opposite end of the lake.

She gripped her chest and fell to her knees, “AHHH... he was so charming! How did I ever survive that without embracing him and possibly cuddling!!!” she covered her face, not glad she admitted it, but the desire to be couply and cute was hard to resist for her.

“But I did.” she triumphantly exclaimed, flopping her hands down on her dress before sweetly giggling to herself. “And he really did seem to care for Nimue...”

She later continued to help the King, and when she returned to her world, found that Sonic was still waiting by the chilidog stand, with two delicious hotdogs in his hand.

“Yo!” he called to her, walking over.

She was frazzled, not sure if she looked okay, but to her surprise, she was as stunning as she hoped to be.

Smiling excitedly to him, she gave him a heads-up and outstretched her arms, showing she wanted to hug him, “Hehe! Sorry I’m late!”

“That’s new,” Sonic looked taken aback by her lady-like gesture as she slowly moved in to hug him, though he had braced already in expecting her to launch at him, and took the chilidog he offered her after a small, but tight hug. “You usually show up early to these things, and I’m late!” He laughed, “So that makes you doubly late!”

“I know, I know!” she whined cutely, “But I swear I’ll make it up to you! Boy, do I have a story to tell you!” she grabbed his hand as though that was natural, but it took him by surprise and she led him on to eat with one hand... talk during intervals of chewing and swallowing, and kept her hand in his own.

It did feel different... like...

A whole ‘nother magic!

“I bet... kinda got me a tad bit worried for a minute there...” He seemed sheepish to admit that... taking his finger and scratching the side of his head a moment as he looked away with a goofy smile.

Was he excited for this date too..?

“Aww... really?” She remembered the King’s words, and gave a sly look to Sonic. “Hehe!” she put a little more pressure to the hand-hold, and then proceeded to excitedly tell him- “I was transported to another world!”

“What!?”

“I know, right!? I stole your gig!”

[lilacandladybugs]

What’s your current relationship with god? I’m very curious lmao

I’m sorry if this sounds incomprehensible and rambly and disjointed or pretentious. I care a lot more about this than almost anything else in the world and I wish I could do a better job of explaining myself. But I feel like why I believe in God or what my relationship with him is like is like trying to explain who I am. And I’m just the accumulation of everything I’ve ever experienced or that I think and I feel like it’s really important that I communicate it correctly so here is my attempt.

Here’s a video that’s really good that I think will give some good background information. If you don’t want to read all of this, the video is probably enough to explain.

TLDR: This isn’t the way things are supposed to be. Death isn’t supposed to happen, it isn’t a part of the natural order of things. God loved us so much he died to fix it, and rose again to defeat death. God loves me and I love him, and I’ve never found peace or fulfillment like that in anything else.

I hope this makes sense anon let me know if you have any questions or if I misinterpreted your question. 

TW suicide // grief // abuse // rape mention (not v bad or graphic or anything)

Long version:

I think I've always thought that there's something naturally (for lack of a better word) poetic about existing. Not really meaning that it's good, but kind of that everything feels really purposeful it seems to flow together like an old epic. Everything seems intensely meaningful to me.

I've always thought that life was tragic. That death is a fracture in the way things are, like we live in the ancient ruins of a long lost civilization.

And I've always thought that life seems like an incomprehensibly wonderful gift, because how can there be tragedy if there isn't anything worth losing? But somehow it seems like peace is the basic way things are, that normalcy isn't normal at all but like this status quo of goodness which makes bad things happening not only heart breaking but surprising.

Reconciling all of those ideas is really confusing.

I'm a strong proponent of thinking analytically about what you believe since the answer we choose to the question of whether or not God exists is like quite literally something we bet our lives on. We bet our life that God exists or that he doesn't, that things have meaning anchored in an external source or that they don't. 

So while I grew up a Christian I've never felt really dead in it. I want to be uncomfortable. I want to be stubborn in asking questions and I don't have a problem with questioning authorities on why they believe what they believe—especially if they really confidently assert it. I want to be able to know things and understand them.

My junior year of high school three of my closest childhood friends died, and several others almost died. I remember sitting up at like two am listening to twenty one pilots self titled album just like seething and exhausted asking lord why would you abandon me like that?

Some other really horrible things happened to people that I cared about, I felt abandoned and rejected by Christians just for being broken, some of them caused it or contributed to the trauma and abuse. How could people who claimed the name of God do that?

My debate partner's best friend killed himself the same year that my friends died, and he became an atheist and I stayed a Christian. We fought about it a lot. I really seriously considered becoming an atheist.

The thing that I couldn't accept was the lack of eternality. 

Really ironically I think I stayed a Christian for the same reason that my friend became an atheist. We were both asking why all of the living world is crying out in anguish. We both wanted to die. We both were angry. We both were horrified.

My friend thought that the question of “where is God?” was harder to answer than “why is there meaning to death?”

I'm a Christian because I'm horrified. He's an atheist for the same reason.

If you don’t feel like reading it, here’s the TLDR: there is no reason for someone to do something or not do something if God isn’t there to tell them to. There isn’t a moral grounding for law.

Arthur Leff was an atheist law professor at Yale in the eighties, and he wrote about the moral grounding for laws in his essay, Unspeakable Ethics, Unnatural Law. The question he was asking was what can we do to ground morality? What can we do to prove objectively that there are things one ought to do and things one ought not do?

I am unwilling to accept that. There is something evil about abuse, neglect, rape, torture. There is something about these things that violates human rights, human dignity. There's something about them that goes against objective moral law.

But without God there is no moral law. So I wouldn't be able to say, "you should never rape someone, because rape is wrong." And everything that I had experienced flew in the face of that.

Dr. Leff wrote this about that question;

“All I can say is this: it looks as if we are all we have. Given what we know about ourselves and each other, this is an extraordinarily unappetizing prospect; looking around the world, it appears that if all men are brothers, the ruling model is Cain and Abel. Neither reason, nor love, nor even terror, seems to have worked to make us "good," and worse than that, there is no reason why anything should. Only if ethics were something unspeakable by us, could law be unnatural, and therefore unchallengeable. As things now stand, everything is up for grabs.

Nevertheless:

Napalming babies is bad.

Starving the poor is wicked.

Buying and selling each other is depraved.

Those who stood up to and died resisting Hitler, Stalin, Amin, and Pol Pot-and General Custer too-have earned salvation.

Those who acquiesced deserve to be damned.

There is in the world such a thing as evil.

[All together now:] Sez who?

God help us.”

In the end, it comes down to this; Do I believe that the complexity of the universe is because there was someone intelligent actively involved in its design, do I believe that information, reason, logic, emotion, and morality exist and are reliable because they have grounding in God’s identity? Do I believe that God is who he says he is?

And I guess the answer to those questions was yes.

I saw God. He was there in the stillness - in the sunrise and sunset and at 2 am after I couldn't cry anymore. I felt him. And I know part of his goodness that I wish I never had to know. I felt like I was lying breathless bleeding out in a gutter watching the stars. Almost like a pause - just a moment in time where I was hurt enough, still enough to hear his voice.

One of the most important things I learned is that life is not hopeless.  If life is a story, then the last chapter of the book has already been written. This is the premise of the song It is Well with My Soul by Horatio G. Spafford.

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, God has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul” 

The powers of evil and darkness can take away my friends, my sanity, my family, and even my life, but God has already saved me, and I can find peace in spite of my circumstances. Three of my friends died, but God has already conquered death. I feel powerless, but God is powerful. I feel abandoned, but God loves me so much that he died a horrible torturous death for me. Living in light of that is peace. 

Whenever I felt like I couldn’t keep going there would be something to stop me. I heard his voice in music, and in my friends that held me when I cried, and in morning glories on my morning walk. I kept lists of all of the times this happened, every time that someone encouraged me to keep going, every time that someone would quote a Bible verse when I was crying out for God to answer me, every time that the world paused. Everything asked me the same question, do you think it means nothing? Do you think that there is a direction that we’re going? Are we coming from nothing and going toward nowhere?

I had friends who heard him too. He was so gentle to us. I wasn’t able to go to church, I wasn’t able to listen to worship music but the LGBTQ+ community took care of me, they were isolated from church as well. There was enough for me in that God promised he would take care of me, and he did. He died for me. He talked to my trans friend and said, “listen, your parents have rejected you and said you’ll never be your son, but I am a good father. I love you. Be my son instead.”

God mourned with me. He saw everything and he was angry. I was able to breathe because I knew that in the end there will be justice for abuse victims, because God said that he is the holder of justice, and vengeance will be his.

When one of my friends was hospitalized I stood outside during the beginning of a thunderstorm and watched the clouds and the sky darken and lightning flash across the sky.

Even the wind and the sea obey him. He asked me if I trust him. 

I guess my answer was yes.

In spite of everything that I went through, I was more thoroughly convinced that I ever was before that things matter. I was convinced that abuse is evil. I was convinced that death is an abomination. I was convinced that these laws of morality are woven into the fabric of the universe. I was convinced that God died to save us from that reality. I was convinced he loved me.

I still am

[outerspaceisbetterthannothing]

Gimme [Alpha!Cal AU] - The Girl Who Cried Wolf. Part 4

The Girl Who Cried Wolf | Royal Blood | No Love Go | Gimme

Summary: When it comes to the hardest choice in your life, how do you choose right?

Warnings: well, first thing first, it’s 28+k, so you’ve been warned. second, description of violence, mental breakdown and guilty conscience. and of course smut, lol. lack of proof reading too, as usual, sorry about that

A/N: it was a long way, but it’s finally here. thank you to all and every one of you for your patience, support and love. special thanks, as usual, to my designated reader and favourite pixie @bringmethehorizonandpizza, @flannelpunkcalum for alpha!cal concept and @burncrashbromance for mindblowing lyrics edit. This part was really hard to write, but i’m kinda proud with the result and where the story brought us, so I hope you’ll enjoy it just as much as you enjoyed the previous parts. Feedback is extremely appreciated, as always

***

You were tossing and turning sleepless on your bed, the stuffy summer night not making it easier for your numb body and restless mind. You huffed, changing position for what seemed a millionth time that night and kicking the sheets off of you. You tried to relax, catching the sounds filling your room from the opened window. Crickets chirping started playing on your nerves the very next moment. You huffed again, imagining the reaction of Arthur, your hunting trainer, when you turn up to the morning run tired and beaten after a sleepless night. And the worst part was that it wasn’t even your fault. He said he’d be here by midnight and here you were, staying up and waiting for him like a total fool almost an hour later.

If you promise not to bite my head off, you can get down, you heard in your mind.

It was almost pathetic how fast you jumped off your bed and ran to the open window. A young wolf half the size of what he would be in several years was pacing in front of your house. 

You were supposed to come an hour ago! you threw at him trying to sound as angry as you were a minute before.

Had to wait till my dad passed out on his bourbon first. Don’t be petty, you did stay up, he told you and you literally could hear his smirk. You hated this boy so much, you thought, for being so right. Get down, little alpha, we don’t have all night.

You rolled your eyes at the nickname you secretly loved and stepped away from the window. You thought how odd it was, how fast things were changing. Being raised in a wolves’ pack made you so used to the nakedness, yours and of other people. And kids of your age, you were trained together for as long as you could remember yourself, you’ve been so used to seeing each other bare and it was so natural. Was. Until it suddenly changed. You stepped out of the window and to the part of your spacious bedroom where he would have no chance to seeing you before you got to think about it. He still was the wolf you knew from the earliest days of your life, yet taking clothes off in front of him wasn’t so natural for you anymore. Was it that growing up, all the kids around were so eager to experience? Was it those strange things older girls were giggling about? Whatever it was, you were pretty sure you didn’t like it. 

If you changed your mind, could have just said so, he couldn’t see you, but he still could hear you. 

You started pulling your pj off. Made me wait for you for hours and can’t wait five minutes yourself? you snapped back.

Wait for what? You were just standing there.

You frowned and kept silence, deciding he didn’t deserve an answer. Instead you shifted and easily jumped out of the window. The slate cover of the roof was slippery under your paws, but you’ve done that so many times before. You let your paws slide down to the edge and pushed the very last moment, jumping off in one confident move. You landed right in front of him, your legs springing easily. You whisked behind the nearest bush and dashed toward the woods. The faster you get away from the house, the less chances your father or brother notice any of you. 

So what was it you wanted to show me? you looked back at Matt, who was running a little behind, as usual. 

Hope we’re not late, he said instead answering you straight and came forward. He was leading your to the Lakes, you knew for sure, been spending much more time in the woods than in your own house, so you'd learnt all the paths and ways here. But for some reason he chose not the straight way, rounding one of the smaller lakes. Finally he stopped behind a bush and peeked from under it.

We’re right on time, he said, his words full of satisfaction and something else. Something deeper and darker, which made your fur bristle. 

You lowered your snout on your front paws and peeked from under the branches. Two young humans were running towards the lake, a girl a little forward and a guy behind her. They were both naked and laughing happily. 

That’s all? you grumbled, looking back at Matt. You brought me here to watch two humans skinny dipping? 

You know, as a future alpha you should have trained some patience already, Matt answered, lying down on the ground and not taking his eyes off the humans. 

I’ll never be an alpha and you know it, you huffed, settling down beside him. 

Your brother is a prick.

Prick or not, he’s a future alpha. 

You’re my future alpha, Matt retorted looking at you, and nothing will change it.

Make sure you don’t say anything like this to my brother or dad. Or your dad for that matter… Are they kissing? you huffed, looking back at humans. 

Matt chuckled, which sounded more like a high pitched roar. Here’s the best part. 

You saw humans get out of the water, the guy carrying the girl, her legs around his torso and his penis up. You’ve seen men’s genitals before and were pretty sure they weren’t supposed to look like this. The humans were kissing like crazy, not detaching their faces for a slightest moment. 

What are they doing? you mused out loud, scrunching your snout. 

And what do you think? Matt giggled inside your head, his voice is full of smugness. 

Meanwhile the guy put the girl down on the grass and pointed his swollen penis to her pelvis. A moment later his penis disappeared in the girl’s body, lascivious moan flowing over the lake.

So that’s how it’s happening, ew, you couldn’t hold back your disgust, watching humans move in a steady rhythm.

Ew? Don’t be a baby!

Says you, who’s obviously coming here not for the first time to look at that, you snapped back. Pervert!

You stood up and turned back to where you came from.

Hey, where you going?

Home, you shrugged. I’ve got an early training. And you too, if you don’t remember. 

Oh come on! Let’s stay a while!

No, thank you, you wagged your tail in front of his snout. Nothing interesting for me here.

You heard his huff, as he stood up and followed you. You were running in silence for some time. You were acting it cool, but you’d have lied if you said you weren’t bothered by the scene Matt showed you. Or that you weren’t playing it on repeat in your head.

Wanna try it some time? he asked, catching up with you.

Oh, for sure, you snorted, your words filled with sarcasm. But definitely not with you. 

Hey, I was the one who showed it to you! Matt exclaimed, your mocking getting the best of him. You’d felt for some time already there was something more in Matt’s friendship with you than you were ready to accept. And you loved picking up on him for that. You started pacing around him, thinking of how easy it was for you to make him do whatever you wanted. 

Wanna try it? Try and outrun me, you said and rushed towards your house, knowing full well that he would never had a chance to reach you. You were the fastest wolf among the pups of your age and, you were pretty sure, the whole pack. You heard him roar behind you, but there was just so much he could do.

You were running as fast as you could, not to win Matt, you just couldn’t help it. Your mentors along with your father were always joking how it was impossible to stop you once your were let to run. If there was really a thing about being a wolf you loved, it was this, the run. The wind whistling in your ears, green and brown blur the world was, the feeling of freedom only the run gave you. You felt like you had the whole world in front of you, waiting till you chose the side of it to start exploring. Even if you had no chance of such exploration. When you were running, you almost forgot about it.

Soon you weren’t able to make out Matt’s paws hitting on a soft ground behind you. The moon hid in the clouds and the forest got unusually murky. You slowed down, looking around wearily. You knew these woods as the back of your hand, yet you weren’t really sure where you were right now. Everything looking so dark and so strange. No sounds to reach your ears, not a single night bird, not even a cricket. You stopped completely, shrugging from the cold air, wandering, when did it get so cold. You looked at your paws, much bigger than they were when you were twelve, and saw them covered in fog. You smelled the rot, making your nostrils contract, and huffed at the sweetness of it. 

And then you heard him. A dry branch crackled behind you.

Matt? you called, turning back.

But it wasn’t Matt. 

Ripper stood in front of you, bloody mash where his throat was supposed to be, an awful stump on the place of his right hand. He was smiling at you with his horrible lifeless smile. 

“Look what you did to me, little alpha,” he gurgled, dark blood spilling from his mouth and down his ripped throat and chest. “Look at yourself.”

You followed his order, looking down at your paws. Only there were no paws. You were standing in front of him in your human shape, completely naked and covered in blood. It was his blood, you knew, the strains of it exactly how you remembered them. You looked at them in the mirror in Calum’s bathroom long enough that night to remember till the end of your life. The blood was all over your body and it was stinking. That sweet rotten smell you felt, you were the one spreading it around.

“Your father would be so proud of you,” Ripper said and laughed. His horrible gurgling laugh was getting louder and louder, until it filled up the forest and then the whole world and when you thought you’d never be able to hide from it again, you opened your eyes.

You were lying in the bed. Crickets’ chirping flowing inside through open windows, Calum snuffled quietly beside you. You were at his place, you were safe and it all was just a dream. Yet you couldn’t fight how your blood froze in your veins and how hard it was to steady your breath. 

You inhaled deeply and sat up in bed. You could hardly imagine going back to sleep now, but you also knew Calum was a pretty light sleeper and any movement of yours could wake him now. You sniffed the air around, concentrating on his wound on a leg. You got that habit in last couple days. Calum was healing fast as any other wolf, but the wound hadn’t closed completely yet and you were checking its smell every so often dreading to feel any trace of infection. But as many times before you didn’t smell anything strange, just healing flesh and intoxicating Calum’s smell. You huffed, slipped out of the bed and sneaked to the bedroom door. Duke, sleeping next to Calum’s legs, lifted his little snout and snorted in your direction. He looked at you for a moment and then lowered his head back on the covers and closed his eyes. You remembered with what caution and even suspicion the little dog treated you in the beginning. But not a week into your acquaintance and you weren’t any more fascinating for him than a piece of furniture. You found it amusing how instead of developing any feelings to you, Duke chose to ignore your presence, and only hoped he’d change his attitude in the future. You liked this pup and he was so in love with Calum, it made your heart melt. 

You shut the door carefully and ran downstairs. You had one perfect recipe for sleepless nights and even though you hadn’t applied it for a long time, it seemed a good idea today. You slipped out of your clothes, dropping it on the dining room floor and whisked out through the glass doors into the backyard flowed with the moonlight. You shifted instantly and ran inside the forest, which started right behind Calum’s house.

You ran fast, as fast as you only could, almost feeling the same freedom as when you were a kid. You thought how odd it was, you weren’t tied up by your family’s traditions and expectations anymore, but you couldn’t feel the freedom. You never felt it and got used to it years ago, to your own shame.

The night air was whistling in your ears, ferns caressing your paws, trees stepping away to give you space, woods welcoming you like a long lost child. You ran till you couldn’t feel your paws and lungs anymore. You ran without any destination, not bothering with remembering the way, knowing your instincts would lead you back home. By the time you came across little forest pond, you were positively out of breath. But the numbness in your mind exactly what you were seeking.

He was sitting next to the water like he was waiting for you. But somehow, you weren’t surprised. Matt stood up, as he noticed you, and shifted. 

“I thought you were hiding from me,” he said with a smirk.

You sniffed around, making sure there were no one besides the two of you, and shifted. Cool air made you shiver, you body heated after your race. 

“Been busy,” you shrugged. 

“With another wolf, as I smell,” he stated, same smirk still on his face, like it was some kind of a joke.

You only frowned, not getting why he was saying it.

“You’ve changed,” Matt said, couple of minutes of silence later. 

“You think?” 

Your words were free of sarcasm and flirt. You were really interested how much of a change he could see in you after ten years and also a little surprised he could make such a conclusion two minutes into your talk. 

“You have,” he confirmed. “Not only your body, though it changed too.”

You shivered under his look. You felt just like when you were twelve and were stepping away from the window in order for him not to see you. You knew your reaction was irrational, this man saw you naked before numerous amount of times. Hell, he went with you through your first heat. But still you felt uncomfortable and couldn’t help it. 

You stepped forward and sat on the shore, pulling your knees closer to your chest.

“You said you wanted to talk,” you reminded him. “Talk then.”

Matt sat next to you, his eyes not leaving you for a moment.

“God, I missed you like hell, little alpha,” he mused out loud. The old forgotten nickname bringing up the chill. You saw Ripper in front of you again and needed to shake your head to drive the illusion off. You didn’t answer anything to Matt. Did you miss him, you questioned yourself again. No, you didn’t. You knew it well. The memories of your family and how you departed obscuring every other moment or face you could have remembered. You wiped out your past and never regretted it a bit. 

“How have you been?” Matt asked, getting you wouldn’t say those words back.

You let a humourless laugh.

“Oh, perfect,” you assured him. “No crazy family to torture me, no pack to care for, no everyday trainings and feeling imperfect as fuck. Freedom is great, Matt. You should try it some time too.”

He chuckled and went on, “So great that you gave it up for some other alpha?”

“I didn’t give up anything,” you sighed and stood up. In all the mess you’d had in your life lately, you were positive, there was no place for a ghost’s from your past jealousy. “If that’s what you wanted to talk about, I better just go.”

“I did try freedom, you know,” he threw back. “I left the pack.”

“Good for you,” you dropped, not looking back.

“Hey, I’m sorry, okay? Can you just wait? I promise, I won’t take much of your time,” he begged.

You huffed, stopping and turning around. You were asking yourself, what you were doing here, why you were listening to him. But you knew, what was more interesting is what he was doing here. Would you lose probably the only chance to know it?

“Everything has changed back home since you left.”

You sighed again. Is that where he was going with it? “I don’t care, Matt. If you came to talk about the pack, I’m sorry, but I’m not really interested.”

“I don’t believe you,” Matt shook his head. “It’s still your pack.”

“No, it’s not. Hasn’t been for ten years now. And it can go to hell, won’t be much difference for me anyway.”

“I know where those scars on your back are from,” he stated. You knew he heard bitterness in your voice clear enough to read between lines. “But pack is not only your father and brother. It’s other wolves too.”

“Well, that’s too bad for them.”

“Those wolves are still your pack, even if you chose to think differently,” Matt said, unknown sadness in his voice. 

You shook your head, looking anywhere but at him. Whatever he said, whatever he could say more, you’ve made your choice that night ten years ago, bleeding on the driveway of your father’s house. 

“Was nice seeing you,” you said, metal now in your voice. “Though, I suggest you not overusing your welcome in this town. Local wolves don’t really like strangers.”

You saw a look of annoyance on his face, but didn’t care for it much. You shifted back into the wolf shape and ran back. You weren’t running away from him. You were pretty sure he still was unable to outrun you, but he didn’t even follow you, was still standing there looking at you. 

You let the wind and forest smells push him out of your mind, alongside with the memories of your long forgotten home. You were pacing through the woods, not hurrying much, until some rustle behind the trees made you freeze on the spot. You breathed in, trying to notice anything strange or unfamiliar in the night air. You looked around, the fur on your nape bristling. The place was so familiar.

It struck you the next moment. That was the place from your dream. Here stood Ripper, waiting for you. 

You felt all your fears jumping on you, all the ghosts chasing you through the night. You ran off like you were running for your life, no matter the sleepless night or the distance you covered on the way here. You were running blind, faster than the light. You knew nothing besides your run. You had to run, you had to run away from it. 

You let yourself relax a little only as you rushed back into Calum’s house. Familiar scents you got so used to in the last several days enveloping you, making you loosen up. You paced a little through the dining room, making circles around the pile of clothes on the floor and decided you were ready to shift. 

You looked at your paws confused. Then tried again. And again. You looked at your reflection in the glass doors, tilting your snout in silent question. You were still a wolf. You wanted to shift back. And you couldn’t.

You felt exhaustion overflowing you as you let out huge yawn. You huffed and whisked upstairs, thinking that you were too tired and that was probably the reason you couldn’t shift. You pushed the door to the bedroom and went inside, steps of your soft paws soundless. 

Duke lifted his head up, disturbed by your presence once again. He looked at you, trying to understand what a big dog like you was doing in his master’s bedroom. He came up to the bed edge and sniffed you, you only happy to provide your face for that. As he recognised your smell, he huffed scornfully and got back to his place in between Calum’s legs now, not sparing you another look. You grinned to such reaction of a little dog and settled down on a rug on the Calum’s side of a bed. At least you couldn’t see dreams in a wolf’s shape. Being calmed by that thought, you lowered your snout on your crossed paws, closed your eyes and let your tired mind drift to sleep.

***

Light sounds of harp filled you with a rare serenity. Or maybe it was Calum’s smell, you didn’t quite know. You stole another look of him over the menu, ghost of a smile lingering on your lips. 

“Are we going for meat?” Calum asked you. You looked up at him, this time openly, and let the smile grow. 

“Of course,” you confirmed. People joked sometimes how a wolf was always a wolf, even in a human shape. You did prefer meat to any other type of food, and, giving it another thought, you’ve never met a wolf who didn’t. Probably there was more truth to this stereotype after all. 

Calum nodded and, as the waiter came up to you, made an order. 

He looked up at you again, as the waiter disappeared taking your menu with him, and smirked. His eyes lingered over your body, before he said, “Well, at least we made it to the restaurant this time.” 

“Was there a chance we wouldn’t?” you asked innocently, but Calum only quirked an eyebrow at you and gave another dirty look to the neckline of your dress, which in this particular case should have been called a breastline. The waiter approached you again with a bottle of wine, stopping you from dwelling on the topic.

You knew for sure where that Calum’s remark came from. This was actually your third attempt of having a date. The first time you didn’t even have a chance to put your shoes on. 

Calum came up to your apartment that evening, cause you were late from work and didn’t  have enough time to get ready. He lost it the moment he saw you opening a door for him. He blamed your top. Light beige fabric, almost the same colour as your skin, did make you look as if you were naked, but who knew it’d bring that reaction. His lips crashed yours before you uttered a simple “Hi”. It was almost a miracle you made it to your bedroom with how desperate that kiss was. You knew the fact that you’d spent the week before that at his house  but not letting him touch you because of his healing wounds also added to the nerve of a moment. When you finally detached from each other that night, all restaurants were long closed, but neither of you was upset about it. You ordered Chinese and ate it right in the bed, naked and happy. You were pretty sure it was the tastiest Chinese takeaway in your entire life. 

The second time you settled for a blue dress with a high neckline, not to try your luck. That helped you make it to the movies, Calum planned as a beginning of your evening, having yet another restaurant reservation for later. But as closed as this dress was on the upper part of your body, it left your legs on full display to Calum’s genuine amusement. Not ten minutes into the film you felt his hand creeping up your thigh with an unmistakable intention. You were the only ones on the row and you let him have his way with you, his fingers soon dancing around your clit. In a bold attempt of paying him back, you shoved your hand down into his pants. As a result you came three times during that movie and he two. None of you could remember what the film was about. And of course, you didn’t make it to the restaurant that night either. 

So tonight was really a little victory for you. And looking at how deliciously stretched on his chest his navy button down was, you asked yourself how long would you two last. Calum smirked again at you and raised his wine glass.

“What are you thinking about there, love?” You smiled at him and sipped your wine, mirroring his action. He knew what you were thinking about, his next words only proving it. “So, will I get a prize if I hold all the date long?”

“Not sure about the prize, but they say anticipation adds to the pleasure,” you mused out loud. 

“Don’t know how it can get any better,” Calum shook his head making you chuckle. “By the way, you look absolutely terrific in that dress.”

“Thank you. It was actually a gift,” you informed Calum after an appreciating nod, telling him what he’d already knew, as it was exactly the dress he brought you on the day of the attack.

“Well, that person has good taste.”

“He does,” you agreed, “in women.”

Calum laughed and you felt your heart trembling at how carefree and happy that laugh was. 

“So,” you started with a little dramatic intonation when the food was served, “what do you do for the living,...Kevin, right?”

Calum snorted at that and shook his head. He took a sip of his wine and looked at you, devils dance in his dark eyes. “Very funny.” You shrugged innocently. He huffed and answered, “I sell food.”

“You mean, you owe a grocery shop?”

“Well,” Calum took one more bite of his meat, “we with Ash actually owe the eight biggest supermarkets in town, but we did start with a little grocery shop some years ago.”

You stared at him over the rim of you glass, comprehension taking some time. “So, the supermarket I was going to all that time…?”

“Yup, that’s ours too,” Calum nodded. 

“Wow,” you uttered.

Calum shrugged. “It’s just business. Not better and not worse than any other.”

“Yeah, no, I got it,” you waved your hand, showing it wasn’t what you were talking about. “Was actually wondering why I don’t have a discount yet,” you joked, making him smile wider, before asking the real question, “But why grocery?”

“Cause, why not?” Calum looked at you and added, “Eat, please.”

“So you’re saying, you woke up one gloomy morning and thought ‘I’m gonna sell yoghurts!’, like that?”

Your persistence in not dropping the yoghurt topic made Calum chuckle again. You still called Andy ‘the yoghurt guy’ (mostly when Andy wasn’t around) and were bringing up poor dairy product in conversations under any excuse.

“I’m not sure if the morning was gloomy, but yeah, pretty much. It didn’t require so much specific knowledge and, I mean, people will always need food, so it’s really profitable in the long term meaning.” He threw another look at your barely touched meal. “You’re not eating.”

“And you have an instinct of feeding everybody?” you asked in return, quirking an eyebrow. 

“You can draw any conclusions you want,” Calum focused on his own steak, almost successfully playing indifference.

“I do think the choice of a business says more about you as an alpha than as an entrepreneur,” you agreed, chewing on an asparagus. 

“Following your logic, financial management should also say a lot about you,” your alpha noted with a wicked smile. 

You shrugged, gave that idea another thought and said, “Financial management does require a lot of control and concentration, and those are two of quite a few things I’m really good at.”

“Quite a few things?” Calum repeated. “Sounds doubtful.”

“No, no,” you hasted to assure him, almost hitting your glass with your fork in the process, “I’ve checked and it turned out no human acceptable professions require skills of hunting prey down in a dark forest or ripping throats out.”

If you couldn’t feel the change in Calum’s mood with your spine, just looking at how tensed his neck got would be enough. He put his glass down and looked at your warily. You kept yourself from rolling your eyes, knowing exactly what was going your way, and cursed the lack of a filter on your mouth. 

“About ripping throats,” Calum started. “I know you keep saying you’re alright…”

“Cause I am,” you said. 

“You’ve been sleeping not well lately,” Calum finished with a sigh. 

“It’s just the stress,” you repeated the same lie you’d been feeding Calum with for the last week. 

“Stress doesn’t stop us from shifting.”

“I thought, we discussed it,” you huffed, not daring looking up at Calum. Not because you were afraid of what you could see in his eyes, but because you dreaded he could see the ghost of Ripper in yours. 

“We did,” Calum agreed. Cause you really discussed it, the very next morning, when Calum almost stepped on you, sleeping on the floor by his side of the bed still in your wolf shape. You discussed it and you promised you were alright and never mentioned your nightmare or the meeting with Matt. Just said you couldn’t sleep and went out for a run and was too tired to shift afterwords. But Calum felt there was something more to it than you were saying, your connection going deep enough for him to understand such things. He didn’t push, though, and let you have your way with it. But you knew he had been watching you a little more careful at nights since that morning and tried to wait till you fall asleep first. You both knew you weren’t completely honest with each other, but both kept silence, afraid of pushing too hard again. 

“Listen,” you said with a huff, stretching your arm out and taking his hand in yours, “that night wasn’t easy for any of us and it’d be stupid to say it didn’t have its effect. But it’s nothing of a great importance, I promise. You don’t have to worry about me.” 

“But that’s kinda the idea, no?” Calum smiled, squeezing your hand back. “I do wanna worry about you, omega.”

“Choose the better reason, then, alpha,” you shrugged. “And before you actually do, you can tell me how you met Ashton.”

Calum’s smile grew bigger. “Well, that’s a funny story. Cause it definitely didn’t happen when I first moved to the town and he decided I came to overthrow him.”

“Oh, gosh, no!” you snorted in your napkin. “Don’t say he attacked you!”

Calum nodded with a smirk, “That’s exactly what he did.”

You kept laughing. “And what’s so funny in this?” Calum huffed.

“I just… Come on, be honest, who won?”

Calum rolled his eyes and that was enough for you to know the answer. “If you ever tell anyone, I’m never gonna eat you out again,” he said, his eyes narrow, but smile still on his face.

You laughed even harder at his words. “That’s- that’s a serious threat,” you uttered, calming down a little. “But don’t you think never is kinda long?”

“Never ever,” Calum confirmed. 

“Sure you’ll be able to keep this promise?” you smirked at him, suddenly feeling the need of his lips between your thighs. You pressed your legs together and by the satisfactory chuckle of Calum, you understood he noticed your subtle move.

“Sure you wanna check?”

You only smiled to that, sipping on your wine. That little joking threat put you back on the track you were almost always at with Calum. The track of wanting each other a little too much, of teasing each other a little too hard, of feeling for each other a little too intensely. You could see the same flame back in his eyes and since that moment no matter what you were talking about, it all was just an act. The one you played, while waiting till you could hold each other again. 

Which happened not so long after, with Calum pressing you to the wall in the dark hall of his house. His lips torturing your lips, his hands rolling up the hem of your dress impatiently. 

“Someone’s needy,” you whispered in his ear when his lips slipped to your neck.

“Not my fault, your dress is a weapon of mass destruction,” he breathed between kisses.

You giggled, his stubble tickling you. “Well, you chose it,” you reminded him, taking his jacket off hastily. 

“Oh, yeah, how right I was,” Calum mused, pulling your hips from the wall to roll the dress up. As his hands pushed the satin fabric to your waist, Calum froze, not feeling anything else on you. You felt rather than saw his quizzical look. 

“And where’s your underwear?” he asked, his voice even heavier than before with all the lust and need. 

You shrugged, “Didn’t see the point really.” What else was there to say? You were surprised with how long your date took, being sure Calum would have you naked in less than an hour. But he did hold all the date long. 

“Dirty little omega,” he whispered, pressing his still covered hard dick to your unclothed centre. 

“But that’s how you like me,” you whisper back, attaching your lips to his neck, his lustful huff being your award. You lifted up your leg and snaked it over his hip, pressing him even more into you. 

“I’d like you any way I could get you,” Calum admitted. He picked both your legs up, you grasping his waist with them, and pinned you to the wall with his toned body. His lips found yours with another greedy kiss. His tongue kept assaulting your mouth, as you heard him unzipping his pants. “Gonna take you right here,” Calum breathed out. He wasn’t fully asking, but still you felt a ghost of hesitation in his actions. 

“Please,” you moaned into his mouth, pulling him fully into yourself, your arms around his neck. His left hand squeezed on your waist harder, probably leaving marks on your skin,while his right was hurrying to free his dick from his pants and underwear. 

“Need help?” you giggled at his struggles, but the very next moment you felt him pushing into you. You opened your mouth, air leaving your chest, your legs squeezing around Calum uncontrollably, you almost lost it, feeling the stretch. 

“Nah, I’m good,” Calum answered with a cocky smile, enjoying how worked up you got instantly. He rocked his hips once, crushing you into the wall, going on full and catching your broken breath with his lips. 

You didn’t need long, his hard pushes getting faster with every other minute, making your whines go louder. Anticipation definitely added to the pleasure, but shortened the length of it. You were biting on his shoulder through his shirt in no time, not having it in you to hold any longer, Calum roaring at the feeling of your walls squeezing his dick. He couldn’t hold either, coating your insides with his cum, his breaths short and heavy. You unclenched your teeth and threw your head back, looking at him, blue eyes glowing into yellow ones. 

“Need to do this every evening,” Calum said, satisfaction all over his face.

“Fucking against the wall?” you mused, not really getting what he was about.

Calum chuckled, “No, taking you out on dates.”

“Oh, please, dressing up each time?” you pouted jokingly. “Too much trouble.”

“But the endings are blast,” Calum hid his face in your neck, you felt his smile on your skin. 

“Let’s make it this way. Fuck me from behind on your bed and I promise to think about it.”

You felt Calum’s whole body shake with laughter as he pushed you both from the wall. You clung on his shoulders and whined again, his dick still in you and moving inside with every Calum’s step, rubbing on your sensitive walls and getting harder from the friction again. 

“You sure we’re gonna make it to the bedroom?” you giggled again. 

Calum didn’t answer, too focused on carrying you up the stairs and considering the idea of never letting go of you. Cause right now he was ready to do anything to hear these giggles till the end of his life. 

***

“What have you lost there?” Calum chuckled, looking at you searching for something in the depths of your bag. You stopped at the traffic lights on the way to your work, you’re being already used to him driving you after spending nights at his place. Looking back at the couple weeks passed after the attack, you couldn’t remember when you drove your car last time. You missed driving a little, but had no objections against spending some more time in Calum’s black suv. 

“The gum,” you huffed, going through all the stuff you had inside your bag. “I remember buying it, just can’t find it now.”

“Maybe you left it in some other bag of yours,” Calum suggested. After you spent first several days following the night of the attack, not leaving Calum’s side for long, some of your clothes and make-up and other stuff did roll over to his house. Along with you bags, to Calum’s utter amusement. First he just asked you if you really needed that many. Getting the look from you, he just laughed, but that marked the beginning of his mocking you. You couldn’t help it as you loved bags and considered them the only fashion weakness of yours and were just rolling your eyes each time Calum was making another remark. Just like he did now. 

“Not helping,” you muttered. 

“Look in the glovebox, there should be some,” he told you, still tittering.

You opened the glovebox and froze for a moment. The full pack of a mint gum was there. Alongside with some docs, a pack of cigarettes and your panties, the ones you left there yourself what seemed an eternity ago. You picked up the gum, closed the glovebox and turned to Calum. 

“Why are my panties still there?” you asked with a wicked smile. 

Calum smirked, not taking his eyes from the road. “They are my first present from you, gotta keep ‘em close.”

You chuckled. 

“The smell is worn off already, though,” he added visibly upset by that fact. 

“Well, you know where the laundry basket is, you can choose any other you like,” you laughed.

“Ah, but since you don’t wear them anymore, how long would those that are there last?”

“Please! That was one time,” you rolled your eyes again. “I am wearing my underwear now.”

“Good to know, as you’ll need them today,” Calum nodded, driving up to your office and stopping the car.

“I will need them?” you repeated as he turned to you with his whole body.

“Girls are picking you up tonight,” he said and took your hands into his. He thought and added, “If you don’t mind, of course.”

“What girls?”

“Gabbie and Lara, you know…”

“The one that’s getting married on Saturday and the one that almost bit off those fuckers’ heads when we found you,” you interrupted Calum, listing what you knew about them.

“The very same,” Calum sighed, sensing the question in your words.

“And why are two of the Ashton’s pure bloods picking me up after work?” you quirked an eyebrow. 

“To take you shopping,” Calum explained. You kept staring at him, giving nothing away. “Cause you need a dress for the wedding on Saturday,” he added.

You went back to yesterday evening in your memory, reminiscing on Calum tearing your dress apart, too eager to get your naked. You did need a dress, especially after you’d confirmed on going with Calum to that wedding. But you still had no idea why you had to shop in a company of two pure bloods. So you kept staring at Calum, which, to your surprise, was really making him nervous.

“You can question them on my behalf too, cause it was totally their idea and I have nothing to do with it, so please, stop burning a hole in my head,” he finally huffed, his eyebrows furrowed. 

“So, pack mingling time?” you sighed.

“Listen, you don’t need to worry, they’re good wolves and…” Calum had to stop under your teasing look.

“I don’t need to worry?” you asked him back, amused with how anxious for your he was.

Calum pulled you closer, “Too much sass for a little omega.”

You smiled into the kiss that followed, melting in his arms.

“Please, buy something ugly,” Calum asked couple minutes later, his eyes still closed, your forehead rested against his, “so I can actually make it through the wedding without getting you naked in the woods nearby. I do need to keep a face in front of my wolves.”

You chuckled and pulled away from him. “I’ll see what I can do,” you promised, pecked him on the lips one last time and without any other word left the car.

Your smile disappeared as soon as you entered the elevator. You couldn’t show your nerves to Calum, knowing he’d go all overprotecting alpha and probably blame himself for troubling you. But you’d also lie if you said you felt absolutely at ease about that shopping with the pure bloods arrangement. You knew as an alpha mate you had your rightful place in his pack now and no wolf could challenge it. But you also weren’t a fool to believe everyone was elated to accept you. After all, Calum was a wealthy, fair and ridiculously attractive alpha, and you could only guess how many she-wolves’ game you put a crimp in with coming into town and his life. They had all their right not to trust you. You wouldn’t trust you if you were them, you though, sitting down at your desk. 

You could successfully keep your nerves at bay with your work which, as you told Calum just yesterday, did require a lot of concentration. But as the end of the working day grew nearer, you felt all the stupid ideas creeping up on you. When finally leaving the office you were hoping them happen to be total bitches, for you at least knowing how to deal with those instead of subtle hating of smiling faces. You winded yourself up so much that when you saw them waiting for you in the parking lot, Lara sitting on her car’s hood in ripped jeans and combat boots and Gabbie giggling near in a light flowery dress, both being relaxed and looking so easy-going, you felt like the greatest fool in the world. Worrying about all the bad scenarios you hadn’t even considered the idea of everything turning up well. 

“Hey there,” Lara called on you as you came closer. 

You smiled and already opened your mouth to greet them, when found yourself being squeezed in deceptively careful embrace of Gabbie. 

“Thank you for agreeing to come to my wedding,” she whispered, her voice surprisingly trembling.

“Yeah, that’s nothing really,” you mumbled in return, taken aback by such sentiment, “thank you for inviting me.”

“It’s not nothing,” Gabbie looked at you with all seriousness she had in her, “you’ve saved the pack. It’s a great honor for me.”

You just stood there, totally at a loss for words, looking in the sincere face of that young girl. 

“Well done, Gabs,” chuckled Lara, jumping off the hood and stepping closer to the two of you. “Nothing’s more important than making everybody awkward at the first meeting.” She smiled to you and you felt the lump in your throat slowly sinking. “I’m Lara by the way, it’s nice to officially meet you. And I hope you won’t mind not hugging, stupid girly stuff is actually Gabbie’s prerogative.”

“There’s nothing girly in showing your gratitude,” Gabbie huffed taking a step back from you. 

You snorted. “I don’t mind either way,” you assured them both and then smiled to Gabbie, “and we can hug any time you want.”

Gabbie’s smile shone like a thousand suns at your words and you finally got a glimpse of understanding of all the warm feelings you sensed in Calum when he was talking about her. 

Not half an hour later you were in a changing room with half  a dozen dresses and a slightly anxious bride waiting outside. 

“Are you sure you have time for shopping?” you asked Gabbie, slipping out of your clothes.

“What do you mean?” 

“Well, I thought wedding preparation takes all the time the bride have,” you explained, thinking what dress to try first.

“Everything’s been ready for some time. We actually postponed the ceremony, waiting till alpha gets better. And you’re so not wearing this to my wedding, Lara!”

You peeked out in your half zipped dress to see Ashton’s pure blood in black leather dress, wrapping her body like a tight glove. 

“You look like you’re a bdsm porn model,” hissed Gabbie, coming up to you and helping you with a zipper on a light blue satin dress.

“You know, coming from you that’s an actual complement,” Lara mocked her, spinning in front of the mirror. “Can you imagine Luke’s reaction when he sees it?”

“I actually can and that’s exactly why I’m saying no. I need my maid of honor next to me on my wedding day and not half naked in the woods having slutty wedding sex.”

“You do know who you should be worrying about for having slutty wedding sex on Saturday, honey,” Lara chuckled and winked at you. 

You looked at them both not really getting that wink or why Gabbie suddenly looked anywhere but at you. You felt your cheeks turning red. You’d thought sometimes that your with Calum sexual life was too intense even for wolves, but you were also sure that you succeeded in not letting it out of your bedrooms. Or his car for that matter. And you were more than surprised that his wolves knew at least anything. Could there be any wolves in that cinema hall, you thought. 

“Relax,” Lara giggled, stepping away from the mirror and giving you space to examine the dress. “You’ve been together for less than a month. We all know how the story goes.”

She smiled, looking at your reflection, but you’d lie if you said those words made you feel better. 

“We do?” you asked instead.

Lara looked you in the face, mild confusion in her eyes. 

“Well, going crazily physical is normal for mates. So, yeah,” she shrugged, watching your reaction carefully. You smiled and focused on the dress, trying not to let it shown how little you actually knew on the matter. 

“It does get easier after mating. So no worries here, I know how difficult it can get,” Gabbie stepped closer and lifted your hair in an improvised high hairstyle. “This one would look lovely if you open your neck,” she suggested. 

“Don’t believe a word she’s saying,” Lara smiled. “First, lusting over your mate won’t get any easier, so learn to live with it. And second, she’s too polite to tell you that light blue is her bridesmaids’ colour, so you probably better go for another one.”

“Oh my god, Lara!” Gabbie gasped, dropping your hair. “You’re awfully rude!”

“No, I’m just honest. Also, this dress makes you fat and you better leave your hair down,” she added, turning to you and looking at your neck, which, you remembered, had at least two hickeys after the previous night. 

Suddenly, you laughed loudly. You couldn’t remember when you actually had girlfriends close enough to go shopping while discussing men and relationships, and this whole scene made you stupidly happy. 

You grasped on Gabbie’s shoulders. “I promise we won’t have sex at your wedding reception,” you said, still giggling. “Any other colour arrangements I should know about?” you asked, going back to your stall.

“Just keep away from anything blue or ivory related and you should be fine,” Lara said, turning back to the mirror.  “I’m so taking this dress,” she muttered with satisfaction.

Gabbie huffed, “You already have a dress for the wedding, why buying more?”

“Kidding, right? There are never too many dresses!”

“True,” you smiled, emerging again in a pink gown.

“See, I’m right,” Lara looked back at you and frowned.

“No?” you asked, turning to the mirror. 

“Too pink for a warrior princess you are,” Lara shrugged.

“A warrior princess?” you snorted. “Since when do I owe the title?”

“Since being the most badass omega she-wolf I’ve seen during the last attack.”

“And I think pink suits everyone,” Gabbie noted, standing on the other side of you.

“You mean, you like this dress?” you asked, both you and Lara looking at Gabbie now.

She huffed, “Well, you know, I think it does make you look more tender, which is good.”

“Gabbie, I look like a cupcake in fabric,” you laughed. 

“Yes, you do, oh my god!” she rolled her eyes and laughed too. She sat back in her armchair, while you with Lara disappeared behind curtains. You had so much time to get out of the pink dress, but before you could put on anything else, you heard Lara cry out in her stall, “God fucking Jesus, aw!” 

You with Gabbie rushed to her only to find her leaning on a wall and rubbing on her right elbow. 

“Luke?” Gabbie asked. 

“Fucking wankers with their trainings,” Lara breathed out angrily, nodding. “I’m okay, Ashton threw him into a birch.”

“Trainings?” you asked. It was odd, seeing other wolf going through the same thing you went that night when you felt all the Calum’s injuries. But the pain should have been strong enough for Lara to feel it, so was the training that intense.

“Yeah, well, don’t get me wrong, I respect Calum and all the shit, but he’s been too active with training the guard lately,” Lara muttered, looking back at you. Her eyes widened up again and that moment you realised you were standing before them in only your underwear. “And not only with training, obviously,” she drawled, looking at his fingerprints and hickeys on your ribs. 

“I- I’m sorry,” you uttered, stepping back. You weren’t embarrassed about your marks or anything. But Calum was one of these girls’ alpha and you had no idea how exactly the etiquette worked in such cases.

“Please, don’t be, you’re one lucky girl,” Lara stittered. “I’m actually envious!” she declared then. “I’m off to buy some lingerie after we finish with dresses, I need some of those marks on me too.”

“You’re so straightforward, it’s embarrassing,” Gabbie shook her head. 

You smiled and disappeared in your stall again. “Don’t be a prude,” you heard Lara hiss at Gabbie, and then call up on you again. “Just make sure you choose a dress to cover all of them, princess. We want you to survive the wedding.”

“Is there a chance I won’t?” you asked, letting Gabbie to help you again with a zipper. 

“Well, all omegas are gonna hate you anyway,” Lara confirmed your previous concerns, sitting down on the armchair to tie up her boots, dressed only in her jeans and bra.

“And some more than others,” Gabbie muttered behind your. “But you shouldn’t worry about the pack. Everybody’s gonna accept you as soon as you and alpha mate.”

Instead of looking at the dress in the mirror, your eyes got stuck on a dark mark on Gabbie’s neck, right under her ear. You’d seen Lara’s mark earlier too, on her throat up under her chin, much lighter in colour, probably because of being there longer. You thought about it again, what it would be like to have one on your neck, a perfect mark from Calum’s bite. 

You didn’t like that dress either and hid behind the curtains, too deep in your thoughts again. You tried to imagine such deep connection between you and your alpha, asking yourself for a hundredth time if you could live like that. Mating was one of the most important moments in every wolf’s life, as you could have only one mate and this bound was forever. At least in theory. But it also meant no personal space. Mates shared not only pain, but all the feelings, deep thoughts, fears. You couldn’t lie to your mate, as you could never be alone anymore, even inside your own head. It scared you more than anything in the world, cause you knew you wanted to be with Calum. But after everything you’d seen in your life, you no longer believed in forever. 

“So when is your turn, Lara?” you heard from behind the curtain.

“My turn?” You could already visualise Lara’s expression, even though you knew her for a little more than an hour. 

“Yeah, your and Luke’s turn to tie the knot finally?”

“Would you look at that!” Lara stood up and came to you, looking at you in awe. “I think we have a dress!” she concluded pushing you to the mirror.

“The dress is gorgeous,” Gabbie confirmed and looked back at Lara, “but don’t change the topic.”

Lara rolled her eyes, “Why would we bother with human formality. We had our mating marks first night we were together, what else do you need?”

“First night?” you blurted out before you could stop yourself, totally distracted from your dress by that time. 

Lara shrugged nonchalantly, catching your full of surprise eyes in the mirror. “We with Luke loved each other since we were kids…”

“Even though were dumb enough not to admit it for years,” Gabbie snorted. 

“Everybody has their own way, Gabs, this was ours, nothing’s wrong with it.”

“She punched Luke right in the face two weeks before he graduated from school,” Gabbie said leaning closer to your ear, “and they haven’t said each other a word for the next two years! And she calls it ‘their way’ for God's sake!” she giggled under Lara’s intense stare.

“Anyway,” said Lara, stressing the word, “when we did get together, everything was pretty clear from the start, so the mating mark came rather natural.” She pulled your hair to the back and fixed the neck line of the dress. “You’ll need big earrings and wine coloured lipstick.”

“I have several to choose from,” you smiled, trying to focus on examining the dress, which was exactly what you needed. 

“Is that what you’re worried about?” Gabbie asked out of the blue. “Mating?”

“And she nags me about being straightforward,” Lara sighed, stepping back to the armchair. 

You shrugged, trying to play it cool. “Finding your mate does make you think about all sorts of things,” you admitted. 

“There’s no right or wrong time to do this,” Gabbie assured you, sounding so serious and wise all of a sudden. “Lara and Luke did it the very first night, while we with Pete needed almost half a year. Well, I needed, Pete just felt I wasn’t ready,” she added. “You will know when you should do it. Not like it’s expected or anything.”

You sighed. “He’s a pack’s alpha,” you said, revealing some of your worries and at the same time wondering how easy it was to trust these two she-wolves. “People do look up at him and expect things from him.”

“Not these things,” Gabbie smiled and shook her head. “We’re simply glad he found you. Calum is a great alpha and he deserves to be happy just like every one of us. But everything else is just between the two of you. Pack knows it, we respect our alpha’s privacy.”

“Technically,” drawled Lara with a teasing smile, “Calum isn’t your alpha anymore, Gabs.”

Gabbie dramatically sighed and then giggled. “So, are you buying this dress or what?”

The three of you were walking up the street to Lara’s car an hour later, bags not only with new dresses but also lingerie and shoes in your hands. You felt so carefree you knew something was bound to happen. And then it did. He stepped out of a butcher’s and stopped, staring at you.

You huffed and asked, “You wanna maybe stop for some coffee?”

Confused looks changed into the content nods and not a minute later the pure bloods were entering the nearest coffee shop, assured you’d join them in a couple minutes. 

You crossed the road and came up to Matt, who was looking at you disapprovingly.

“I was sure you left,” you started without any greetings, displease prominent in your tone.

“I don’t give up that easily.”

“What more do you want?” 

He huffed and took half a step to you, “You promised we talk.”

“We did. Too bad you couldn’t say anything interesting.”

“You have to listen to what I have to say, little alpha!” Matt growled.

You sighed, looking back at the coffee shop. You could see Lara watching you from the other side of the window, phone in her hand. Calum would be informed in a minute, if he wasn’t already. 

“I don’t have time for it anyway,” you said and stepped back. 

“And when will you have time?” 

You looked at Matt again, seeing your past, your family, everything you’d known standing behind him. Really, when would you have time for him and all of it? Would you have any for that matter?

“And don’t give me that crap again, how you don’t care for the pack, we both know it’s bullshit,” he added, seeing doubt on your face. “The Lakes are in your blood. You can’t shake it off, little alpha.”

You frowned. No matter how much you fought it, Matt was right. You looked back again, seeing Gabbie now standing next to Lara as they both watched you. They were great, you couldn’t deny it. And you’d be elated for them to be your pack. But they weren’t. At least not yet. Your pack was far away from here, but it was still your pack. 

“Meet me here tomorrow at eight,” you dropped and turned away, not sparing him another glance and wondering if you really gonna regret it as much as you thought.

***

Setting sun was painting the valley in front of them all shades of pink and orange. Calum inhaled deeply, watching the town below them. The town they called their home and the one they sweared to protect. 

Ashton came up to him, handed him a bottle of beer and jumped on the car’s hood Calum was sitting on. 

“Fucking dope place we’ve chosen for our packs, my friend!” Ashton declared, opening his beer. Calum could only nod to that as they clinked their bottles.

“So, they took her shopping?” Ashton asked after they took their first sips. 

“I still think it was just a scheme to sneak from the training,” Calum chuckled. 

Ashton snorted too, “With how active you’ve been this week, I don’t blame them.”

Calum just shrugged to that, they both distracted by Ashton’s phone vibrating. He picked it up and read a message. Then huffed, looked at Cal and then back at the message.

“What is it?” Calum asked.

“Lara says your omega is talking to that wolf who came to town the day before the attack. Do you know him?”

Calum shook his head.

“Does she know him?”

“Obviously, as she’s talking to him right now,” Calum answered with a sigh.

“Did she tell you about him? Shall I send someone after him?”

“No need, Andy’s already on it. But thanks for the info,” Calum frowned and took another sip of his beer.

“Speaking of girls, I had an interesting talk with Gabbie couple days ago,” said Ashton couple minutes later. “The one you should know about.” 

Calum turned to his friend, quirking an eyebrow. 

“She asked for my permission to stay a pure blood for your mate.”

“Thank Gabbie on my behalf, but there’s no need. I can protect my omega,” Calum said. 

“More like she can protect herself if needed,” Ashton giggled.

“Gabbie is your pure blood now, so...”

“Yeah, but I have Lara for whenever I meet my mate,” Ashton interrupted him. “So I told Gabs I see no problem to that. You can thank her yourself, she’s officially under your command now.”

Calum snorted. “Thanks, mate.”

“Yeah, it would be easier for her like that anyway, with her siblings being technically the part of your pack,” Ashton shrugged, watching the valley. “And our packs are becoming one strange big pack with two alphas more and more with each year anyway. Not a lot of difference, who’s in command of one pure blood.”

“I’ve never asked you how you feel about that,” Calum said deep in his thoughts. “I just showed up here one day and decided to settle.”

“Well, I've kicked your ass for that already, so no need to feel guilty, wolf boy,” Ashton joked remembering the first meeting with Calum. 

“Yeah, but seriously?”

“Seriously," he paused, searching for better words, "I feel much better knowing that if anything ever happens to me, there’s a wolf I trust to take care of my pack,” Ashton’s hand landed on Calum’s shoulder. “So, please, don’t fuck everything up at least in memory of your friend,” he then added barely holding back his laughter.

“I’ll do my best,” Calum promised.

Silence fell upon them again, two wolves were watching their home from above. 

“Do you think it all goes fine on Saturday?” Calum asked not trying to hide his worry.

Ashton smiled with a huff. “After what your woman did the other week, we with you, my friend, can easily retire and live happily ever after. Cause no asshole in the area of couple hundred miles will ever risk to bother us again.”

Calum proudly smirked. “I’ll drink to that!”

They clinked the bottles again and kept watching the valley, both of their packs were calling home. Hoping this fact would never change. 

***

“Are you sure about staying at your place?” 

You smiled to the darkness of a parking lot and answered into your phone, “Of course I’m sure, Calum. I kinda still live there.”

“Well, I can come if you want,” Calum offered. He was surprised by your wish to spend the night separately as you hadn't said anything on the matter in the morning. He felt you weren’t telling everything, but knew not how to ask.

“I don’t know when I’ll be home. Still have some business to take care of,” you said. That was exactly the reason you hadn't spoken about evening plans in the morning. It was much easier to lie to him on the phone than to his face.

“Should I be worried?” Calum asked with a huff.

“What? Of course, no, just some company stuff, Cal,” you looked up the street, seeing Matt already waiting for you with two cups of coffee. “Listen, just get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” 

“Sure,” Calum agreed. “I’ll pick you up at noon.” 

You said your goodbyes and you shoved your phone in the jeans back pocket.

“Big cappuccino with foam and no sugar for you,” Matt said handing you a cup. “Just as you like.”

He smiled widely and you felt shivers creep up your spine.

“Thanks,” you said, taking a cup.

“What?” he frowned at the lack of enthusiasm. “Don’t say you stopped drinking coffee!”

“Not entirely, just switched to black and one cup a day,” you shrugged.

“Damn! You really did change,” Matt tried to joke.

“You don’t say,” you muttered and looked around the street, you back itchy from all the looks you imagined were aimed at you. But no one was looking. Everybody was rushing around busy with their own stuff and you saw no wolves anywhere. 

“I thought we could just walk around,” Matt suggested, touching your elbow. “You could show me the town.”

“Been here for two weeks and still hasn’t seen it?” you frowned, thinking how many wolves you would actually meet if you agreed on walking. 

The bang of a door on your left drew your attention. You turned that way and saw Andy leaving the coffee shop and eyeing you suspiciously. He picked up his phone almost immediately. You felt anger rise up inside. You weren’t doing anything wrong, or even objectionable, just meeting your childhood friend for coffee. You looked down on your Converse and pointed to the right. “There’s a nice park that way. Can walk there.”

Matt smiled and followed your lead. 

“So, how did you end up here?” he asked you as you two entered the park lanes.

“Got transferred at work,” you explained shortly. “Is that what you wanted to discuss? My work? Or why have I chosen this place?” you asked not really caring for your tone.

Matt huffed, you felt his displeased sight on you. 

“I actually thought you’d be happy to see me, to be honest.”

You had to use all your self-control not to laugh at this. “Matt, seriously, you come find me after I've spent 10 years running away and hiding, bring up my long buried and forgotten past and keep following me, persuading there’s something of great importance I should know. And when I finally agree to listen to you, you choose to waste time on a meaningless chit-chat. Well, my bad I’m not excited. Sorry about that.”

Matt nodded to his cup. You knew you were being a bitch, but couldn’t help it. You suddenly realised, how weak you kept feeling this last week. Was it connected to Calum stepping in into your life, or was the sudden return of Matt to your life the reason, but you suddenly felt almost as weak as the night before you ascended. You’d been in control of your life for so long, that losing it for even several days was making you nauseous. You wanted it to stop, wanted to be the one making decisions again. And getting rid of Matt was the first step towards it.

“I told you everything has changed back home since you left,” Matt said with a sigh, giving in and turning to what he really came for. “You father is still an alpha technically, but he doesn’t take almost any part in ruling the pack.”

You felt your shoulder twitch instinctively at the mentioning of your dad. You saw him in front of you, tall, severe brown eyes looking at you, waiting for you to become better, stronger, more cruel and stern. The alpha he wanted to see in you, the monster he was trying to create from you. You came to the point in your life, where you could spend years without remembering that you had a father at all. But now, seeing him in your memory you were overwhelmed with how much feelings you still had for him.

“Your brother took the power,” Matt kept talking, not really noticing your distress. “We always knew he was a damn bastard, and, trust me when I say, he lived up to all the expectations.”

You lifted up a cup and sipped on your coffee to hide your confusion. 

“He changed the hierarchy in the pack. We basically don’t have an elderly council. He makes all decisions without asking for their advice, he has his own council, made up of his closest pure bloods and ass-kissers.”

“You were a pack’s pure blood too,” you mentioned, deep in your thoughts.

Matt sighed, looking at you again. “Your brother knew I was loyal to you, he never let me close to himself,” he thought a little and added, “And was perfectly right, I wouldn’t miss on a chance to rip his heart out for what he’s done to you.”

You two were exactly between two lamps and you used the lack of light to roll your eyes. Matt had always been too much of a boaster and you weren’t so happy to see that hadn’t changed with time. 

“You have no idea what happened that night,” you reminded him. “What were you going to pay him back for?”

“I’ve seen scars on your back.”

“So what?” you smiled, feeling somehow calming down. Matt still was the same hot headed boy you remembered. “I could get them anywhere.”

“He was the reason you left,” he said stubbornly.

“Maybe yes, maybe no,” you replied and looked around in search for a trash can, but your gesture was understood differently.

“We aren’t followed,” Matt said, his tone angrier.

“What?” you looked back at him, not even getting what he was about at first. 

“You’re afraid his wolves are following us, aren’t you?” Matt explained, a strange grimace on his face. Like he was disappointed in you.

“Was looking where to put that, actually,” you explained, lifting up an empty cup, your irritation raising up again. Why were you even bothering with making excuses? “And yeah, I’m fully aware his wolves aren’t following us, cause there’s no reason for him to send anybody following me.”

Matt huffed, stopping next to you.

“I’m sorry, okay?” he muttered. “It’s just-”

“It’s just what?”

“I don’t know, okay? I guess, it’s not what I was expecting to see, when I finally found you.”

You looked at him, deep frown between your eyebrows. “Not what you were expecting to see?”

“Yeah, I mean, I knew you ran away for a reason, but I definitely didn’t expect to find you peacefully settled by some pretty faced alpha! This is not you!”

You looked away. Was that what he thought about you? That you settled down? Found the easier way to live a quiet life not bothering yourself with anything, decided to become what was the closest to a trophy wife in the wolves’ world?

“This is not you, little alpha,” Matt said, his voice quiet and sad. “This life is not for you. Don’t you miss the Lakes? Don’t you miss what you once were? It should be you leading the pack now, not your wanker of a brother.”

You shook your head. “It doesn’t matter, Matt. I can’t go back to the Lakes. And I’ll never be able to lead the pack. Whatever way I chose to live my life, you’re in no place to judge me. You weren’t there that night, when I left, you know nothing.”

“I know more than enough,” he said, stepping closer. Suddenly you felt with all the clearance that you two were completely alone in the park late in the evening and he was standing a little too close for your liking. “I know that people are still waiting for your return. They believe you’ll come and save the pack.”

“They don’t need to be saved,” you shook your head again.

“Don’t tell  me you don’t know what a disaster your brother is. What do you want me to tell you? How his pure bloods rape omegas of the pack, calling it showing them their place? How they set up fights for fun, almost tournaments for your brother’s amusement? Hell, they even started to steal girls your brother chooses from the neighbourhood, not only wolves, human girls too. People wanna leave the pack, but they’re scared your brother will catch them and kill. He did with one family already.”

You closed your eyes. You had no trouble believing your brother was capable of all those things, but you didn’t want to hear of them. 

“I’m an omega, Matt,” you said, not daring to meet his eyes. “You’re looking for a pack leader in the wrong place.”

He grabbed your forearm and pulled you closer, you felt his hot breath on your face. “You’re kidding, right? You’re an alpha’s daughter. You were raised for this position. You spent your whole life in front of these people, they’ll go after you in a heartbeat, no questions asked.”

“And what is it for you in that?” you asked, finally looking up at him. “You’re a pure blood, Matt, go and challenge my brother, you’ll become the rightful alpha, problem solved. Why going in all the trouble and looking for the long lost omega?”

“Don’t you know that?” Matt asked, the look in his eyes was so difficult to understand. “You left not only the pack or your family that night, little alpha. You left me too.”

You saw it coming, would lie, if you said what happened next surprised you at all. And still you let it happen, let him kiss you and let yourself answer him too. Matt wasn’t just the ghost from the past, he was also everything you remembered your home to be. He smelled of the Lakes and your childhood adventures. You felt a little scar on his upper lip with your tongue, you knew that scar so well, you still remembered leaving it. You knew the strength of his arms, surprisingly could remember it from your first heat. He was the home you’d never thought you could return to and you couldn’t help it, you dwelled into his touch, into his kiss. You’d longed for this feeling for ten long years, how could you possibly resist.

You dropped your cup. That’s how the moment ended. You dropped your cup, the knock it produced more like a thunder to your ears. You stepped away from him, breaking the kiss. You looked in his face, a little blurry under the yellow light. 

You shook your head. 

“Don’t go,” Matt asked. “You know I’ve loved you since we were kids, you’ve always known it.”

“I have,” you easily agreed. You’ve really known, probably since that night you both were twelve and he took you to peek at that human couple on the lake. But you also knew one more thing pretty clear. “But you haven’t seen me for ten years, Matt. And you said it yourself, I have changed. I’m sorry about what’s happening to the pack, but it’s not my problem anymore. I’m not coming back. I’m sorry.”

He just stood there, looking at you with all the hope he had inside of him.

“Please, go, Matt. Don’t search for me. There’s nothing for you here.”

You turned around and walked away. You felt him with your back, could hear him still standing on that spot you left him at. But for some reason you didn’t feel anything about it. 

You left the park and turned to your place, but suddenly felt that was the last place you’d wanna go. Four walls of your bedroom seemed more like a cell now. You were afraid you’d suffocate there. You crossed the road hasty and turned to living area, which stood at the border of the woods. You felt you needed space, the solitude only the forest could give your. And the moment you stepped into the shadows of the trees,you felt it all falling on your shoulders. You thought of turning into a wolf, but dismissed the idea instantly. You were too emotional, had too much of a mess inside your head, the risk you won’t be able to turn back too scary. So you just took a deep breath and set to run. 

You had no idea why you were running or what away from. You just felt you needed to run, to feel the wind in your hair and the grass under your feet. Like these were the last things on this earth you could possibly ever feel. You were running as fast as you could, your human muscles soon aching from the exercise, your lungs aching for the break. But you couldn’t stop, you just couldn’t. So you ran. For minutes and hours and days and weeks. Or at least for what felt like it. Until you fell.

You didn’t know what it was, a branch or an untied shoelace. You just tripped over and you fell. The ground was soft though, covered in ferns, warm from the day. It smelled of all the forest smells you’d known since you were little. And this moment you broke down. All that you were bottling up inside rushed to the surface and you had nor the strength, neither the wish to hide it anymore. So you just lay there and cried. 

You felt it all being so right, with it happening while you were alone in the woods. A lonely wolf, with no home and no pack. That’s how you were living your life. And you were so tired of it. Matt only reminding of all you’d lost happened to be enough for it to break you. He wasn’t wrong, you missed your home. You missed it like crazy. You missed the Lakes and the pack, the council always looking out of your, the life order being so natural and familiar. You missed it more than you were ready to admit. You were so tired of being alone, being no one’s wolf. You hated it, the feeling of not belonging, of not being a part of something bigger and more important than you. And there was nothing you could do about it. Your home was lost forever and a monster like you had no hope of finding the way back again. 

You felt his scent before you could see him, his black fur making him indiscernible in the dark woods. He came up to you slowly and lay down, his snout right in front of your face. He whined quietly, his dark eyes twinkling with sadness. His scabrous tongue licked your cheek, making you wince a little. You dipped your hand into the fur on his scruff and held while keeping crying. 

You felt a warm wave covering you, making you feel little less alone, reminding you that he was here for a reason. He didn’t try to say or ask anything, just lay there with you, occasionally licking on your face and letting off a whine. You looked in his dark eyes and kept thinking how he was ready to give you everything you longed to have, home, pack, your place in the world. And how he was willing to give you even more than that. Could you take it? Did you deserve any of it? Did you deserve him? You knew, you didn’t. But you still couldn’t let go of his fur, you couldn’t let go of him. So the two of you kept lying there, till you had no tears left.

And when they finished, you closed your eyes and gathered what strength you had left. You stood up, Calum following you suit, kissed his snout right between his eyes and whispered, “Let’s go home, yeah?”

***

Duke was eyeing you from his place near his bowl. He bent his head to the left a little and looked like he couldn't quite comprehend the heck you were doing in his master’s kitchen. 

“I wish I knew,” you answered to the little dog under your breath and switched your attention to your coffee cup. 

It was barely eight in the morning and you were alone in Calum’s kitchen. He left at the crack of dawn god knows where and still hadn’t returned. You stared at you coffee cup once again, figuring out if you wanted any food or not. Duke huffed behind you, yawned and left to the living room. You took it he decided he couldn’t do anything about you being here, so he let you be. For now. 

You smiled and looked around the spacious kitchen, all covered in chrome and stone, trying to imagine yourself cooking breakfasts and dinners here, dark haired pups running around this kitchen island. Could it all be? Could you have it one day? Could you really call this mostly empty house a home?

A garden door slid open, letting inside chilly morning air and dressed only in his pants Calum. You came up from your thoughts and looked at him, question in your eyes. 

“Morning,” Calum smiled to you and headed to the fridge.

“Been running?” you asked, noticing the layer of sweat on his skin.

Calum switched the stove on and looked back at you. “No, we had an early training with the guard.”

You looked back through the glass wall behind you at the backyard and the woods.

“Is that why you’ve bought this house?” you asked, a sudden idea popping up in your mind. “To have an access to the woods?”

Calum nodded, taking food out of the fridge and humming something under his breath. 

“I owe the woods too,” he said, closing the fridge and turning to the stove. You felt your mouth open at these words in shock. “The pack needs it and I don’t wanna some idiot to start building another block of flats or a mall here,” Calum explained.

“You’ve been training a lot this week,” you noted a little later, watching him preparing ingredients for an omelette. 

“You want some?” Calum asked, pointing at bacon. You shook your head. You felt sick just from looking at food. “The last attack just made me think,” he said, answering your earlier question. “I used to believe our fighting strategy was pretty good. But here comes couple assholes with darts and sedatives and my best pure bloods and me myself are out of the fight in a minute.” He stroke his chin. “I was trying to change something, make us more invincible for guns.”

“And how’s it going?”

Alpha let a humorless laugh, put his breakfast on a plate and settled at the kitchen island opposite you. “Not really good, to be honest.”

“Dude, you just need to break the lines,” you smiled at him.

“What do you mean?” Calum frowned with mouth full of bacon and eggs. 

Your smile grew wider at how goofily adorable he looked at that moment. You sighed and put your cup down. “When you fire a gun, the most important thing is aiming. The less predictable your trajectory is, the harder it is to aim at you. You need to teach your wolves to attack not in straight lines, but in crankles, so whoever tries to attack you wouldn’t be able to predict where you’d be next.”

Calum gaped at you. “Sounds brilliantly easy,” he concluded.

“Yeah, well, it’s not. The main problem is that during the fight it’s easy to forget about it, so you better work out the attack lines for the whole guard and train them till your muscle memory kicks in. It’s hell of a work, but it’s really worth it.”

“How do you know all of it?” Calum asked with a snort.

You huffed and looked away. “That’s how I was trained,” you admitted. 

Calum nodded and looked back at the clock on the stove. “Let’s go, you’ll show me,” he said, standing up.

“Show you what?” you asked, taken by surprise and not fully getting what he wanted from you.

“These crankle lines. Come on, we still have enough time before the wedding.”

His voice was deep and smooth, you could feel he wanted something different from you and his ask was aimed differently.

“We can’t do it now, Calum,” you shook your head, uneasy feeling settle in your guts.

“Sure we can, will only take fifteen minutes,” he kept persuading you. “Will shift fast and won’t go too far into the woods.”

And there you get it. “I don’t want to,” you let through your greeted teeth, trying to suppress your anger. 

“Don’t wanna show me, don’t wanna show me now or don’t wanna shift?” Calum asked, showing what he was really curious about. 

“It’s not about shifting.”

“When what is it about?” 

Calum’s breakfast was long forgotten, his eyes glued to your face, trying to catch every shadow of emotions you could possibly have. 

“I found you in the middle of the woods, crying in your human shape,” Calum reminded you. “What was it about?”

You snorted, “Definitely not about shifting.”

At least that was not a lie. You did have a lot you weren’t ready to share with Calum about last night, but fear of shifting wasn’t on the list. 

“Then what?”

You huffed, put down your cup, stood up from your place and headed upstairs.

“Don’t go away from me!”

“I will do whatever the fuck I choose,” you threw over your shoulder, knowing he followed you.

“How about choosing to talk to your alpha, then?” irritation clear in Calum’s voice. 

“You’re not my alpha yet, Calum,” you said as you entered the bedroom and stepped to the armchair, where your clothes were put in a neat pile. You knew your anger was mostly unreasonable. It wasn’t Calum’s fault he was worried about you. And it definitely wasn’t his fault you couldn’t tell him all of your fears. But you couldn’t help your reactions. You were so tired of feeling weak, you had to protect at least this part of your soul.

Calum leaned on the bedroom door, sighed and watched you putting on your jeans. 

“Listen,” he started, taming his own emotions and trying to speak in a calm way, “I’m just concerned about what’s going on with my mate, you can’t blame me for that. I mean, I find you in the forest in such despair, it made my wolf instincts kick in. I wanna know what’s going on with you so I can help you.”

“There’s nothing to help with,” you dropped, taking his shirt off and fixing on your bra. “Just women’s hormones. You know, pms, all that stuff.”

“So you’re saying you’re gonna have breakdowns like that every month?”

“Pretty much. So you better think one more time if you really need such a hysterical mate.”

You picked up your Converses and tried to sneak past him out of the bedroom. Like you had any chance of actually doing it. He just pulled you by the waist and embraced you. 

“Don’t wanna think about that,” he breathed in your hair. 

You huffed, but didn’t answer anything. Just lifted your free hand and let your fingers dive in his curls. 

“You know, what I also don’t wanna do?” Calum asked and after you hummed, signalling you're ready to listen, continued, “Fight with you.” 

“Don’t fight with me then.”

You stood like that for some time, just holding each other, when Calum started moving you back into the bedroom. “Cal, no,” you tried to stop him, smiling. Your shoes fell on the floor with a thud.

“Yes,” he whispered stubbornly. 

“We have no time.”

“We have plenty of time.” 

You felt your legs crash into the bed and the next moment you were lying under Calum, him starting to kiss you neck. You giggled, his light kisses tickling the sensitive skin. “Cal, stop, we can’t,” you breathed out.

“Yes, we can.” He tugged on the neckline of your shirt, burying his face on your chest, his hands working on your jeans buttons.

“The wedding is…”

“...in four hours. We have time.”

You laughed shortly and took his face in your hands, making Calum look up at you. “You have time, mister. Because you need to just what, put on a suit and you’re instantly a hot irresistible alpha. When I actually need time to get ready.”

Calum sighed, his smile as soft as ever, and put a hair strand away from your face.

“You’re always hot and irresistible,” he whispered. And bent down to your lips. 

“The answer is still no,” you said when he broke the kiss some time later. Calum pouted and dropped his head on your chest again in a defeated gesture. 

“You’re mean,” he mumbled, making you giggle. “And I need to somehow hold through the wedding after that?”

“Yeah, you’ll have to control yourself, cause I promised Gabbie we won’t have sex at her wedding,” you laughed, remembering the talk you had with her and Lara when shopping.

“You did what?” Calum gaped at you and shook his head in disbelief. “I hope the dress is ugly, at least?”

“The ugliest I could find.”

“Liar,” Calum smiled and went on kissing you again. 

“Will you drive me home?” you asked in the pause between kisses. Suddenly your question made Calum huff, his face getting more serious.

“Actually, you don’t mind if Andy drives you?” he asked. “If you’re going, then I’ll need to work a little. Still have to finish some stuff before I go tomorrow.”

You frowned. “Go?”

“Yeah, I didn’t tell you?” you shook your head, looking at him in confusion. Quarter of an hour before you wanted to free yourself from his presence for as long as possible, suffocating from his questions and care, wishing again for the freedom you had before you met him. But this news made your insides freeze. “We’ve been having negotiations about buying couple of shops in a town nearby. Need to close the deal, but for that I need to go there.”

“For long?” you hated how upset your voice sounded, but couldn’t help it. 

“Four or five days. Will be back by the weekend,” he promised. You nodded, playing with the chain on his neck and not looking him in the eye. You wanted to ask him to stay, wonder why Ashton couldn’t go instead as it was both their business, but kept successfully biting your tongue. Whatever you might have felt to Calum, you weren’t ready to become that woman. 

He pressed his nose to your cheek. “Gonna miss me?”

“Nope,” you smiled viciously. “Gonna actually enjoy the opportunity to sleep at night.” 

Calum laughed loudly at your sass and bent down to kiss you one last time before letting you go. These last kisses, long and tamed and steady, were the only kisses you hated. But that you wouldn’t tell him either. Whatever you might feel to Calum, you weren't ready to let him that close to you. At least not yet.

***

You looked above the improvised venue almost in the middle of a forest. You knew from Calum that there were tents ready in case of rain, but the sky had been clear all day and now, in the golden rays of setting sun and lights hanging over the venue the whole place illuminated with warmth and happiness. 

Gabbie’s ivory dress looked so good in surrounding warm colours of nature, and her bridesmaids only made the picture more fresh with their light blue gowns. You understood why Lara fell in love with your dress so instantly in the shop the moment you with Calum drove up to the venue. Its deep emerald colour made you look so in harmony with the surrounding, only emphasizing your deep connection to the nature. Which, probably, also added to Calum’s discomfort, as he sighed each time his eyes settled on you.

But his eyes weren’t the only ones to settle on you. Through all the ceremony you felt people watching you intently, which made you wonder if at least half as many people were looking at the bride. You kept questioning if coming to the pack for the first time was logical at such an event. But you’d already came, so those questions had close to no meaning now. As time passed, people showed less and less interest in you, most of them now looking at you with content and, dare you say, appreciation. Most, but sure as hell not all. You’ve noticed several young she-wolves as you just came, their eyes hard as knives. You were ready for it. What you weren’t ready for was one specific girl. He blond wavy hair couldn’t soften the look of pure hatred on her face. And what is more, she looked at Calum like she had some rights for him, leaving you to wonder how much of Calum’s past you actually wanted to know about. You felt there was some bad blood there between them and weren't sure you wanted to get in the middle of it. 

You tried your hardest not to pay any attention to that girl, more often watching Gabbie and her now husband dancing, chatting to people eager to congratulate them and just being disgustingly in love with each other. You took a deep breath, all of the morning questions and doubts coming back to you. You tried to picture yourself and Calum on Gabbie and Peter’s place. You’d look odd in a white dress, you thought. White colour was the symbol of purity. And you with all the blood on your hands would be just a mock if wearing white. You instantly looked away and lightly shook your head, trying to suppress pictures of Ripper’s body in your mind. Even two weeks later he kept emerging in your head each time you let your self-control weaken at least for the moment. But now was definitely not the moment. Not in the middle of fantasizing about your own happily ever after.

“Whatcha thinking ‘bout there, love?” 

You looked on the left, where Calum approached you. A glass of champagne in his hand for you and a glass of water for him. You looked at his drink, quirking an eyebrow in silent question. 

“A man’s gotta do what he’s gotta do,” Calum shrugged.

“You think we have something to worry about?” you asked, noticing all the guard with same glasses of water and juice. 

Calum chuckled and shook his head, “Definitely not in the near future. You see, there’s that rumor going around about a crazy omega bitch protecting this town borders. Guess, will win us couple easy years.”

“I’m doing all the hard work and all I get is a crazy omega bitch title?” you pouted, sipping on your champagne.

“Rumors are mean.”

“Guess I should be happy it’s bitch and not slut, at least,” you concluded, making Calum laugh. 

You stood there for some time, just enjoying the moment, when Calum asked you again, “So, what were you thinking about before?”

You took a deep breath. “What do people think about at weddings?” 

“Having it all for themselves one day,” Calum answered instantly, not even taking a moment to think. You looked at him, startled by such a straightforward response. He wasn’t looking at you, his eyes following newly wed couple, soft smile lingering on his lips. Was he having similar thoughts as you? Was he wondering if you two were destined to have it all one day?

“Predictable, huh?” you tried to hide your confusion and distress in your glass. 

“I’d say natural,” Calum shrugged easily and turned to you. “So?”

“So what?” 

He waited till you finally looked at him, your attention drawn by his silence, and only then asked, “Do you see it happening in your life one day?”

You felt your heart clench with sadness and tenderness, seeing doubt and even fear in his eyes.

“What are you asking me about, Calum?” you shook your head. You didn’t want to play hints, not when the topic was that serious. 

He sighed, looked away again and then started speaking, his voice lower and somehow deeper. “I don’t wanna push you, but I do want it, love. You can’t blame a man for having certain ideas after he finds his mate. I want a family of my own, want a house which I could finally call a home. I want to have kids one day, too. Not tomorrow, of course, but one day,” he took a pause, sighing again. “And, naturally, I want it all with you.”

He met your startled look, seeing bewilderment on your face you couldn’t hide if you wished. 

“I’m not asking any questions now,” he tried to calm you, “just trying to be honest with you.”

You stepped closer to him, lifted on your tiptoes and kissed his cheek softly, caressing the other with your hand.  “I know,” you whispered, as his arm snaked around your waste. 

“This dress is the complete opposite of ugly, for your information,” Calum huffed a moment later. You felt his muscles stiffen under your touch. 

“I’m glad you like it,” you smiled, not opening your eyes.

“Just admit it, you enjoy my suffering.” His lips touched your palm. 

You kept silent, smiling subtly to his tender gesture. You rested your forehead at his chin and closed your eyes, bathing in the serenity of the moment. 

Which sadly lasted for about three seconds and a half, with a light voice sounding right next to you, “Okay, lovebirds, you’ve officially crossed the line.” 

You detached from Calum and saw Lara standing with her arms crossed, looking at the two of you mockingly. You peeked back at Calum, who was obviously amused by Lara’s emerging.

“Which line?” he asked.

“Of allowed amount of physical contact,” she informed him and pulled on your arm.

“And who, pray, set the allowed amount of physical contact?” Calum kept interrogating, hardly keeping himself from laughing out loud. 

“I did,” Lara answered, not embarrassed a bit. “You see, certain promises were made, and I’m here to guarantee a compliance of them,” she added with a snort. “Call me a moral police.”

Calum chuckled as he watched his best friend’s pure blood taking his mate from him. 

“Gotta say, with how headstrong they both are, they’ll make a terrific duo.”

Calum looked back to see Ashton standing near and looking in the same direction. 

“And Gabbie’s gonna third wheel them all the time and try to stop from all the reckless ideas they’re gonna have,” he added with another chuckle.

“Falling for those ideas in the end and being even more reckless to both their surprise.”

Two alpha laughed to the image and clinked their glasses.

“Happy to see you two together,” Ashton said. “Who knew it would take you bleed almost to death for her to fall for you.”

“I didn’t bleed to death,” Calum frowned with a snort.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, buddy,” Ash easily agreed as they both watched Lara introducing you to Luke and Mike. 

“Can you do me a favour?” Calum asked, suddenly serious as ever. He couldn’t get his eyes off of you, knowing well Ashton got what kind of favour he was asked about. Not like Ash had to be asked about that at all. 

Older alpha just nodded and patted his friend's shoulder. It had been years since they needed some words to be spoken out loud.

***

It seemed like the darkness swallowed you two. You were sitting in Calum’s car, going down the unlit road through the forest. Dim glow of the dashboard the only source of light. You both were keeping silence, each deep in their own thoughts. 

You kept replaying everything what happened at the wedding. You felt your brain being in the overdrive but couldn’t stop. Good memories, like meeting Lara’s boyfriend, an amiable shy giant with golden curls and eyes as blue as an ocean, or talk with Gabbie full of warm hugs and tender words. And not so good memories, like stingy looks and confused feelings. Your racing mind stopped for a moment on the image of that omega, who kept looking at you all evening long. Emily, that was her name according to Lara. And her name wasn’t the only thing you found out from Ashton’s pure blood. You threw a careful look at Calum, who was driving. You still had no idea how you felt about him having an ex in his pack and didn’t know if it was worth asking him about her. 

Looking at him, even for a moment, pushed your thoughts back to his confessions. You inhaled deeply, same questions rushing through your mind again and again. Could you? Could he?

A rushed thought burnt you suddenly. At least he was honest with you. 

You turned to him. He looked rather relaxed, right hand on the steering wheel, left stroking his chin. He was doing it often when thinking.

“I lied,” you broke the silence.

Calum glanced at you, frowning at your words, but not saying anything. 

“Yesterday,” you kept explaining, not sure if he got what you were talking about. “When I said I had some company business. It wasn’t a company business.”

“I know,” Calum admitted, not looking away from the road anymore.

“I met with another wolf,” you continued, wondering if you were making it better or worse, but unable to stop now. 

“That I also know,” Calum confirmed and you remembered Andy picking up his phone when he saw you last night.

“His name is Matt, he was a pure blood in my father’s pack. I’ve known him since I can remember myself.”

Calum nodded, “And that I figured out, too.”

You huffed. His reaction, or even the lack of any, confused you more than anything else.

“He kissed me,” you blurted out before you could stop yourself.

Calum nodded again.

“Don’t tell me you somehow knew that too,” you rolled your eyes, getting annoyed with his calmness.

“I felt his scent when I found you in the woods. Didn’t know about the kissing, but knew for sure he held you close enough for some time,” Calum explained, his voice as quiet and flat as ever.

You looked back into the darkness behind your window. The mix of emotions you felt was pretty indescribable, not even mentioning confusion. You turned back to alpha, noticing that his hold on the steering wheel got tighter. Was that really all the reaction you were to get?

“If you knew all of that, weren’t you furious?”

“Of course, I was! Still am, if you’re interested,” Calum huffed, finally showing at least some emotions you knew were boiling inside him. It just hit you, how much all of the emotions you felt were his, and not yours.

“Then why didn’t you go all thermonuclear on me?” 

Calum let a humourless laugh and shook his head. “Well, appreciate my self-control.” 

And at that moment you finally succeeded in dividing emotions inside on yours and Calum’s. You felt his anger and his resentment, his jealousy, sadness and all the passion he had been bottling up. A tender smile lit up your face at the realization of how much he was keeping back in a mere attempt not to scare you off, not to push too hard for your liking. Even if there were all the reasons for you to be pushed.

“Pull over,” you said, unbuckling your seatbelt.

“What? No!” Calum scrunched his face, not getting what you had in mind now.

“Pull over, Calum, now!”

“See that line on the right of you? It actually means it’s prohibited to pull over here,” he scoffed.

“And who’s gonna see? We’re literally in the middle of nowhere. Pull the damn car over!”

Calum huffed, but did as you told, his irritation raising up with every other minute. 

“What now?” he snapped, turning to you as the car fully stopped. 

But you had no time for his irritation, already standing on your knees on the seat and crashing his lips with yours. Calum froze for the moment, taken aback by your passion, but soon enough you felt his hands tangle in your hair, pulling you even closer. You wasted no time and unzipped his pants, your cold hand on his dick making him gasp. You used his momentary hesitation to slip lower.

“What are you doing?” Calum whispered, breathing harder, as you freed his dick completely.

“Appreciating,” you smiled, glancing at him one last time before going on with your plan.

“Hey, you don’t- Oh, shit,” Calum sucked in the air, his hand instinctively lay on your head, as you sucked his dick inside your mouth. 

You let your tongue dance a little around the head, holding his dick at the base, as it wasn’t fully up yet. You stroke your flat tongue all the way up from the base, feeling him getting harder and harder, and clasp your lips around the head again, sucking on full. 

“Yeah, baby, just like that,” you heard him whispering. 

Calum got your hair together and pulled a little, setting a pace. You hummed to his help, the vibration in your mouth making him groan. You kept bopping your head, going with your hand on the part that didn’t fit inside your mouth. You heard his breath halt, his hand holding tighter on your hair. You let his dick out of your mouth to take as much air as you could and took him back in, going as deep as possible. And then you let your throat spasm around his head. You felt his body bending down over you, his hands squeezing your head, as he moaned your name breathlessly. You waited till your lungs started burning with the need of air and lifted your head up. You breathed in and repeated. 

“Fucking God, fuck!” you heard. You lifted your head, your tongue following all the way up, and threw a glance at him. His lips were slightly open, while eyes were, on the contrary, shut tightly.

“Are you gonna kill me?” Calum ushered. 

You chuckled, “No, only make you cum.”

You let your hand slip lower on his balls and squeezed them carefully, eliciting another broken breath from Calum. You kissed the tip of his head and let your tongue play with his meatus, before taking him in your mouth again. 

You felt Calum was close, his hands shaking a little and his breath getting heavier. You tried to bop your head faster and let go of his balls, clutching on the base of the dick again. You felt pulling pain in your cheeks, but kept sucking as you felt he was really close. It wasn’t long till he cum in your mouth, gripping on your hair and groaning low. 

You sat back and took a tissue from the glovebox, giving him a moment to collect himself. 

“You are,” Calum started, his breath still heavy, “a devil.”

“Yeah, you’ve said that before,” you smiled, wiping your spit and his cum from your face. 

“Get in the back,” he ordered. You looked at him, his eyes are still closed and his chest moving fast. You looked lower and to your surprise saw his dick still up. 

“Oh, wow, I actually thought, you’d hold till we get home,” you chuckled.

Calum opened his eyes, bright yellow now, and turned to you. “Get in the back now,” he repeated, stressing each word. 

You obeyed with a laugh, the sound of his seatbelt being unbuckled following you. 

“And if you hope to wear that dress ever again, better take it off yourself.” 

***

You tried to hide your smile in the pillow, when you felt Duke crawling closer to you in the bed. You hadn’t noticed any changes in the little dog’s attitude to you, and that sudden wish to get closer caught you by surprise. 

You two were wallowing in bed, watching Calum packing his suitcase. He was in the bathroom now and missed the scene between his pup and you. 

“I want you to remember that if anything happens, Andy is one call away,” Calum informed you, coming out from the bathroom.

You huffed. “Sure, I’ll call him if I need some yoghurt.”

“I’m serious,” Calum quirked an eyebrow, looking at you. “Where’s Duke?” he asked right away, not seeing the dog on the covers anymore. 

“Hiding his wet nose between my boobs, actually,” you giggled more from the tickling feeling, than from the surprised look on the alpha’s face. 

“Tell him, it’s my place,” he smirked.

“Tell him yourself.”

Calum let out a short laugh, grabbed covers and pulled, making you squeal from the cool air.

Duke turned to his owner immediately.

“That’s my woman,” Calum said, looking Duke straight in the eyes, “You need to find another one.”

Duke growled and turned back to your boobs, closing eyes and obviously enjoying the comfort. 

“Unbelievable,” Calum laughed, throwing covers back to you. “My own dog is trying to steal my girl.”

“Well, can’t blame him for that, can you? With you leaving me all alone for a week,” you muttered.

Calum sighed, straightened up and looked at you. “Andy is one call away.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that,” you said, mirroring his expression.

“There’s one more thing,” Calum said. He moved his suitcase and sat on the bed. “Gabbie wants to be your pure blood.”

You frowned. You were pretty sure you knew all the words Calum pronounced, but the meaning of them somehow escaped you. 

“I don’t get it, Cal,” you admitted couple moments later. “How can she be my pure blood? She’s Ashton’s and I’m not an alpha.” 

“No, she wants to be your guard,” Calum explained with a smile, but you could see deep in his eyes he was as confused as you were. 

“I need a guard?”

“It’s a tradition,” the smile left alpha’s face, as he finally proceeded that you had no idea what he was talking about. “When alpha meets his mate, his strongest female pure blood becomes the personal guard for her. It’s a common thing.”

You shrugged, trying not to overthink it. “I don’t remember my mom, Cal. I had no chance to learn things like that,” you explained. “Still, Gabbie isn’t your pure blood anymore.”

“Gabby was my only female pure blood. And even though she’s a part of Ashton’s pack now, she asked him for permission to become your guard. As long as Ashton has Lara, he agreed.”

“I don’t need a bodyguard, Calum. Especially as tiny as Gabbie. I can take care of myself.”

Calum sighed again. “I know that. And trust me, everyone knows that. But it’s a tradition. And we’re following our traditions. You’ll offend her if you refuse.”

You lay back on the pillow and huffed. “I don’t wanna offend her, it’s just…” you had no idea how to put into words everything that was confusing you. Calum just sat there, looking at you and giving you time to form all your objections. But truth was you weren't sure you could form them even for yourself. 

You hid your face in your hands and groaned loudly. “Fine! She can be my personal guard.”

Calum was still looking at you, you could feel it even with your eyes closed. You put your hands away and looked back at him.

“I wanted to ask,” you started. You were thinking about it since you learned about his trip, but couldn’t find it in yourself to ask him.

“What?”

“Can I stay here? While you're away, I mean. I know it’s gonna sound stupid,” you went on, looking away from him, “but I just feel better with your smell around.”

Calum picked up your chin and made you look back at him. “You don’t need to ask that,” he said, shaking his head. 

“Yeah, no, I do,” you argued stubbornly.

“Yeah, no, you don’t,” Calum smiled and hovered over you, pushing Duke away carefully. His lips started to cover you face in little tickling kisses.

“What are you doing?” you giggled and tried to pull away from him. 

“Making sure, you’ve got enough of my smell around.”

***

Your phone started ringing. Again. 

You didn’t make an attempt to answer, didn’t even look its way. You knew for sure who was calling and had no wish to find out what for.

First messages from Matt came on Saturday morning. You read his apologies for the kiss and his pleadings for another meeting and left them without answer. You just didn’t know what more could you say. And, frankly, your mind was already too preoccupied to think about him. When lack of response from you didn’t stop Matt from texting more, you just switched your phone off and happily forgot about him. But with the beginning of the working week you had to come out of you improvised deafness. And you didn’t like the result. Now it was not only texting, Matt started calling you, practically non-stop. You haven’t answered once. You didn’t know if you should, but you were positive you didn’t want to.

Your phone stopped vibrating. You let out a breath, not aware till that moment that you were holding it and looked up from the report you were writing. 

You’d tried to put into words what you felt about Matt and all this situation all morning, but the only thing you actually realised, was anger. You were angry with him for showing up and, what was more important, showing up now. 

You huffed, thinking about last couple months. 

You had been running since your ascendance. You’d been running from your family, your past and most of the time yourself. And you’d never felt being followed. Until you thought you were ready to stop. Looking back at it all, you could even see the logic of it all happening now.

But fuck the logic, you thought, when your phone had started vibrating again. You were finally content. You found your mate. He was ready to give you home and pack. You had finally found a place for you. You were ready to finally let your past go and forget it all. Why couldn’t Matt understand it? Why should it be that way?

You remembered the way he grabbed your arm that night in the park. Cold shivers ran down your spine. You asked yourself for the thousandth time why wouldn’t Matt give up, why was he so persistent? And what he was ready to do to make you listen to him.

You waited till he stopped calling again and picked up your phone. Your call was answered on the second signal.

“Hey, Andy, it’s…” you started.

“I’ve got your number,” the omega stopped you. His voice was cold, but you heard no roughness in it. “Do you need anything?”

You coughed. “Yeah, I actually was wondering, of course if that’s not too much to ask, I mean, I get if you’re busy or something-”

You heard him laugh which surprisingly sounded relaxing, his low voice soothing your nerves. “Since when do you stutter?”

“Shut up, will you?” you snorted.

“You’re my alpha’s mate. Ask and you shall receive,” Andy stated simply.

“Could you pick me up from work?” 

You heard him hesitate for a moment. Whatever he had expected, you took it, you managed to surprise him.

“Sure,” he answered. “Did anything happen?”

“No, just tired and don’t feel like driving,” you answered what you believed was only half-lie, as you really felt more tired than usual. You tried not to go into depths of why you felt so weak this last couple days, explaining it all with the lack of sleep. Whatever you kept telling Calum, you still had Ripper sharing your dreams every night and it was just a question of time, when it start influencing your physical state. 

“Yeah, sure. Will wait for you,” Andy answered, still a little confused. “Anything else?” 

“No, that’s all. Thank you.”

You kept an awkward silence for couple more seconds and finished the call without any other word. 

You spent exactly four minutes and thirty eight seconds, wondering if Andy will call his alpha or not. Then your phone started vibrating yet again, the screen lit up with another name this time. 

“What’s wrong?” Calum asked not bothering with greetings.

You huffed, stood up from your place and headed for the fire escape, foreseeing this talk won’t be that short.

“Nothing is wrong,” you answered as you were sure, no one could hear you except Calum.

He wasn’t saying anything. You also waited.

“Is it because of that Matt guy?” he finally asked you. 

You almost laughed. How come he was reading you like an open book. You could also feel tension, which you knew, wasn’t yours. He was worried, you could feel it even being so far away from him. 

You opened your mouth to tell Calum to relax and them shut it again. It stuck you, that very moment. You could try to solve it all by yourself. God knows you were capable. But you didn’t have to anymore. The realization hit you like a trainwreck. You didn’t have to cope with everything on your own anymore. You had your mate. And you could share it all with him. And you weren’t even afraid of it.

“He just keeps calling and texting,” you started. “I’m not answering, though. And I don’t know, I’m probably overreacting, but-”

“What does he want from you anyway?” Calum interrupted you. You felt his irritation rise up, you could not only hear it in his voice. 

You inhaled, wondering where to start. “Basically, he wants me to come back to the Lakes.”

“What for?”

“Obviously, to save the pack,” you sighed again, leaning on the wall and closing your eyes. “He told some stories, you know, how my brother is the worst thing that ever happened to the pack and how everyone is waiting for me to come save them and some crap along the lines with me being an alpha’s daughter and therefore the rightful heir and how it’s my pack and my responsibility. You know, all that crap.”

“And?”

“And?” you repeated, confused.

“Do you want to come back there?” Calum asked you. 

His question made you freeze. You understood with all the worries and questions you were asking yourself, you’ve never thought about that one. Was it really that simple? Was it just up to what you wanted?

You tried to find an answer to Calum’s question. You knew he could misinterpret your silence, but he waited patiently on the line.

“I know it may sound crazy, but it’s-”

“Your home,” Calum finished for you. “Yeah. I get it.”

You tried to distinguish offence in his voice, or irritation. But he was calm, even satisfied with your answer. He just stated truth. And he did understand you.

“I do miss it, Calum,” you went on. “But I’ve suffered enough. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to come back there. But i’m sure as hell not ready for it now. I just want some peace.”

“Are you sure, Andy would be enough?” Calum asked you with a sigh. You felt his longing to be there for you, but were thankful for him staying where he was.

“More than enough,” you confirmed.

“I can have my guard just beat the shit out of that Matt.”

You smiled, “It i wanted him to be beaten, I could easily do it myself.”

“Oh, I know that. But why go in all that trouble, if you could just delegate it?”

“And what about the pleasure?”

You heard him snort. “Ah, but there are so many other ways to pleasure you, love,” he said, his voice significantly lower. 

“Oookay, mister,” you drawled with a smile. “Come back and we’ll discuss this in person. And for now, I have to work.”

“Okay,” you heard a soft smile in his voice. “I’ll facetime you in the evening, yeah?”

You came back to your workplace, your mind full of thoughts and doubts. How come you’d never actually realized how much you missed your home until Calum asked you that one question. You knew there had always been a part of you desperate to come back to the Lakes, but you were astonished with how big that part was. 

You heard the familiar buzzing again. You looked at your phone. Maybe you didn’t have to deal with all you legacy now, but with that thing you definitely had to. You picked up your phone and swiped to answer a call. 

***

Duke was looking at you with a question on his furry snout. You were looking back, not answering anything. You knew you had to get up, but you were positive you’d vomit if you moved. Duke bent his head to the left. He felt something was wrong with you, but couldn’t figure what. 

“Have no idea,” you answered his silent question. Duke growled.

“Are you expecting him to answer?” you heard low voice coming from the hall.

You turned your head that way. Andy was leaning on the wall, watching you with a smirk.

“What are you doing here?” you asked, frowning at how your words sounded rougher than your intended. 

“Thought you may use another ride,” Andy shrugged. “Truth to be told, you don’t look well.”

“Thank you,” you huffed and gathered all your will to stand up.

“Are you alright?” Andy asked and to your surprise he really sounded worried. 

“Have no idea,” you repeated. “Can you wait a little? I need fifteen minutes to get ready.”

“Sure,” Any agreed easily. “Will take Duke out, okay?”

You nodded, leaving the room. You went up to the bedroom and got into shower. 

You kept wondering what was wrong with you. Your hands were shaking and you felt so weak. You head was spinning from time to time. You knew it couldn’t be the effect of your dreams, but what else? 

Hot water really helped to make you feel better. Almost to the point of you believing you’d be alright. You let Andy take you to work and told him not to pick you up in the evening as you had plans. And even managed to go through the day. You hands kept shaking and your head was odd. You even checked the calendar in case you missed your periods coming and wondered if you could catch a cold. But neither of these reasons seemed to be right. You kept feeling hot and cold at the same time. At some point you had the ghost of recognition and you almost remembered when you’d felt like that already, but the feeling slipped away. You thought several times about cancelling the meeting, but kept stubbornly persuading yourself that the sooner you get over with it, the sooner you feel better.

So at half eight you were sitting in a restaurant looking at the person you’d known as long as you could remember yourself and asking if you were making yet another mistake.

“You look pale,” Matt noted.

You shrugged, hiding your eyes in the menu. “Haven’t been feeling well lately,” you admitted still.

You were looking at all the courses on the menu and felt sickness rising inside. You put the menu away and met with Matt’s puzzled expression. “I’ll drink some water, but I’m not hungry,” you explained.

“I thought, we could spend some time here,” Matt said, visibly displeased.

“Yeah, well, I actually agreed to have dinner with you just to clarify couple things, Matt,” you said. Your tone was tough, but you made no attempt to soften it. You came to that restaurant with a certain agenda and you weren’t here to be nice to him.

“You want me to come back to the Lakes,” you started, but he didn’t let you finish.

“I don’t want you to just come back to the Lakes. I want you to take control of the pack, to take your rightful place,” he reminded you with the same passion. 

You stroke your forehead, feeling your body temperature rising again.

“Do you even hear what you’re offering me, Matt?” you asked, trying to supress the annoyance. “I can’t just come back and claim the throne. I’m not even talking about the fact that I’m an omega and have no right to rule any pack. But the only way to claim the pack is to kill both my brother and my dad. I’m not doing it.” 

He didn’t hesitate for a moment with his reply. And that said it louder than any words. He planned it all. He played it in his head thousand times before and the picture he saw satisfied him to the full.

“I can do it for you,” he said. The content with which he agreed to the deaths of what was left from your family made you shiver. 

“And you’re right,” he continued, while you were wondering how far could he go with that, “as an omega you technically have no right to rule the pack. But I have. If I kill them, I’ll become a pack’s alpha and you’ll be my omega,” he was talking faster with every word, sharing the dream he obviously cherished the most. “With you by my side no one will doubt our position and our offspring will be the rightful heirs of the alpha line. We’ll save the pack, save your bloodline. We’ll keep the Lakes alive, what more could we wish for?”

“Lots of things, actually,” you muttered, not sure if he really believed in what he was saying.

“Come on, little alpha, don’t you see, it’s our chance to come home,” he smiled and you felt sick. “This is not a place for you. You belong to the Lakes. And you belong with me.”

You shook your head and let out a humourless laugh. “We’re not even mates, Matt, what are you talking about?”

He snorted scornfully. “Fuck mates! We can be an alpha couple of the biggest and strongest pack in the country. What are mates to this, really?”

Pictures flashed through your mind. Rushing in the night to Calum surrounded by the packs’ guards, feeling their support, sharing one goal. Wedding reception with over hundred of guests, all of them wolves, living like one big family, warmth and affinity of them. Laughing with Lara and Gabbie, feeling so light and free. Ashton and Calum smiling to some jokes they shared and no one else understood. The universal content you felt next to your alpha. 

You felt a lump in your throat. “Everything, Matt,” you breathed out, your voice hardly audible, but your will strong as ever. “You don’t know what kind of bound it is. If you did, you’d never offered me that.”

“And you know?” he asked with arrogance. 

You looked him in the eye. You didn’t answer anything, let him get it himself. You saw him change in the face, realisation crawling over him slowly.

“You don’t have a mating mark,” he whispered, still trying to fight the truth.

“I don’t have it yet,” you said and that moment felt how right those words were. “And for your information, the Lakes pack isn’t the biggest and strongest pack in the country. Not anymore,” you shook your head, but made yourself continue. You had to finish with it here and now, this was what you came for. “I’m not coming back to the Lakes, and I’m not going to agree with any part of your insane plan. I’ve found my place in the world and I’m gonna stay here. Go away, leave the town and never come back.”

With that you stood up and left the restaurant. Your knees were shaking and you weren’t sure you were strong enough to even get a cab, but you had never felt that right before. 

“I thought, I said you didn’t need to pick me up,” you smiled to Andy, who was waiting for you right outside the restaurant. 

He just shrugged, soft proud smile on his face. Did he hear your conversation? Did he know what was going on all this time? “Had some business nearby. Just a happy coincidence.”

The drive to Calum’s place was silent, though you caught Andy staring at you in the rearview mirror couple of times. He kept smiling and you thought, if the pack had any doubts about you, tonight was the end of them. Andy asked you several times if you’d be alright, offering to keep you company or call Lara or Gabbie, but after you promised you’ll be fine half a dozen times, he let you be. You looked as he drove away. The night was surprisingly chilly and you could hear Duke striding inside impatiently. You walked up the stairs, opened the door, closed it and leaned back on it. You took a deep breath. 

Calum’s scent burnt your throat. You started coughing, not getting what was going on with you. Your hands were shaking again. You closed your eyes. And momentarily he rose before your eyes, dark curls and familiar smirk. You could swear you felt his hands on your body. You opened your eyes to the still empty house. Little dog was looking at you confused with your state. You looked past him. Everything around was burning red. 

You went up to the bedroom, your legs moving hard. You thought you just needed to lay down, but as you came into the room, you understood your mistake. His scent was the strongest here. You felt a knot tying up in your stomach, your insides aching. The most seductive pictures began to appear in your memory. All the things you’d done here, all the things you were yet to do. 

The sound of a phone call made you dive from under this mirage. 

“What’s going on with you?”

Hearing his voice was confusing. You felt your disorientation draw back just from knowing he felt you and cared for you. But at the same time all the pictures in your head became stronger, fueled by his low tone.

“I think I’m in a heat,” you whispered what you’d understood after entering the house.

“Are you kidding me?” Calum snorted, but you heard no fun in it.

“You called me, cause you felt it. So tell me, am I kidding?”

“I know, I know,” Calum rushed, “just surprised. We haven’t been apart for that long, why would you go in a heat?”

You sighed. His question was valid. But answering it wouldn’t help you a bit. 

“Just stay in the house, I’m on my way,” he continued before you had a chance to say anything.

“On your way where? You can’t leave your business, can you?”

“I’ll explain to them, will come back when you get better,” he dropped like it was not a big deal.

You let yourself slide down the wall, pulled the knees up and accepted what you were about to say.

“And what if I don’t get better?”

“What?” 

“Listen, I have no idea why, but our bond isn’t typical, right? We can feel each other’s emotions even though we haven’t mated yet. And now that. We’ve been together three days ago, I shouldn’t have gone in the heat. What if I’m gonna react like this each time you’re away?”

“We’ll think about it when it actually happens,” Calum answered. “Let’s stick to one problem at a time.” 

“Not a winning strategy,” you huffed, standing up. “Send me an address, I’ll come.”

“You’re not driving in such state.”

You tried to hold from rolling your eyes, you really did. But it was stronger than you. “I’ve driven in worse states, Calum.” 

“No way in hell I’m letting you drive,” he roared, “that’s an order.”

“Don’t you get it?” your passion was turning into anger way too fast. “I’ll go crazy if I just stay here waiting for you. I need to feel I’m actually doing something.”

He huffed. You heard his heavy steps. He was pacing, probably in his hotel room, trying to find the better option.

“Ashton will drive you then,” he concluded a minute after.

“Why to torture the poor man, you’re more than four hours away?”

“No torture, he already agreed. Pack your stuff. He’ll be there in ten.”

“You’re too annoying even for an alpha,” you dropped, ready to hang up.

“One more thing, love,” Calum stopped you, something new in his voice making you listen carefully. “Don’t touch yourself. No matter how strong the need is.”

And with that he finished the call. 

You shook your head. It was obvious where he came with that from. You knew if you tried to help yourself, it would make everything worse. Yet his bold words made your insides tremble more. You clenched your fists and took Calum’s sports bag, throwing in there all your stuff you could see, not thinking whether you’d need it or not. You had only so much time to do that and leave some food for Duke, when you heard a car horn. You patted little dog and left the house. 

Ashton watched you get in the car wearily. You had questions about how much Calum told his best friend. He had to explain this sudden rush somehow. No matter how close they were, you doubted Ashton was so up to fulfilling any request Calum had. But when you saw how Ashton’s face changed, as you closed the door and he had an opportunity to smell you, you thought that maybe Calum didn’t have to explain anything after all.

“Do you mind if I open windows?” Ashton asked, his grip on the steering wheel getting tighter. 

“Of course, not,” you looked down on you hands, feeling guilty. It was odd, you hadn’t felt guilty in so long. “I’m sorry, Ashton,” you mumbled.

You heard his soft chuckle. “Come on, it’s not your fault you can’t be away from him, is it?”

You let a shy smile. 

“And I’d say it’s quite natural with another wolf messing around,” he continued.

You frowned, Matt’s face emerging in your mind. Was it that simple?

“You think it’s because of him?” you asked, not even questioning how much Ashton knew. He was an alpha, after all. And you had no right to feel offended by the lack of privacy. 

Ashton shrugged. “I’m not an expert, obviously. But I’d say it’s quite logical. You two haven’t mated yet. Your wolf nature feels the danger and escalates it.” 

He shrugged again, trying to show it was nothing more than his theory.

“Why do you say you’re not an expert?” you asked suddenly, forgetting about your thirst for Calum for a moment.

“Cause I haven’t met my mate yet,” Ashton answered with a sad smile. “Everything I know, I know in theory.”

You nodded and smiled wider, leaning forward to put your hand on his shoulder. “Whenever you meet her and whoever she is, she’s going to be one lucky she-wolf.”

Ashton met your eyes in a rearview mirror and answered your smile. 

You leaned back on the seat and looked out of the window. You’d already left the town and were driving on the freeway now. Ashton was a faster driver than Cal, but just as confident.

Your eyelids grew heavy, you yawned and found it suddenly difficult to stay in consciousness. You didn’t notice the moment you fell asleep, too worn off by your nightmares, nerves and now heat. The next thing you knew was Calum’s tender touch on your shoulders. 

“Shall I carry you?” he asked in half whisper, helping you carefully from the car. 

You shook your head. You may had been sleepy and tired, but you were determined to walk. You got out of the backseat and as soon as Calum straightened up with your bag in his hand, you enveloped your arms around his torso and hid your face on his chest. You inhaled his scent as deep as you could, feeling his mere presence forcing your tensed muscles relax.

You heard a chuckle, looked back and saw Ashton looking at the two of you with the biggest grin on his face. 

“You owe me for tonight,” he told Calum as they shook hands.

“I owe you for much more than just tonight,” Calum agreed with a sigh.

“As you say, loverboy,” Ash laughed again. You felt him looking at you. “Well, I wish you two good and sleepless rest of the night. I’ll see you back home.” 

You heard him open the car door when a quiet “Thank you” left you. He looked back at you, nodded with a smile and soon drove off. 

Calum squeezed you tighter before letting go. “We should get you inside, yeah?”

You gathered all your strength to detach yourself from him to be able to walk. The way to the elevators took approximately nine hundred years. Or at least, that was how you felt it. The moment the elevator doors closed, you started kissing Calum’s chest right through his tee, not bothering with reaching out to his neck at least.

“Hey, love, just wait a moment,” he tried to stop you. You only shook your head, having no strength for a coherent answer.

“What going on with you, love?” Calum asked, cupping your cheek with his free hand and making you look at him.

“I don’t know,” you whispered. “I just need you, Cal.”

The doors opened behind you to a dimly-lit hall. “You’ve got me,” Calum answered, pulling you out of the elevator and to the door of his room. “You’ve got me, just let me take you inside.”

***

The sky was getting lighter. You were watching it change its color slowly, measuring time not in seconds or minutes, but in beats of Calum’s heart. It sounded strong and steady, confident with every stroke, just like Calum was himself. His breathing was slow and calm, but you knew he wasn’t sleeping. 

“Do you feel better?” he asked an eternity later.

“I do, physically,” you looked up at him, he was frowning from your answer. “I didn’t let you sleep,” you explained. 

Calum smiled and kissed your forehead. “I’m not going to complain.”

Another eternity passed. The sky added some pink to its light blue shade, when Calum spoke again.

“Do you actually know, what caused it?”

You took a deep breath. Did you know? Was Ashton right? Who could have known if not you?

“Ash thinks, because of Matt,” you admitted, seeing more and more logic in this theory.

You lifted yourself a little to change the position and see Calum while speaking. You saw the same frown again and felt his boiling anger.

“What is he to do with it?” his question sounded more like a roar. 

“We had dinner last night. But the heat started earlier,” you mused out loud. “I guess, Tuesday morning, after I agreed to see him.”

Calum didn’t say anything, waiting for you to continue, letting you choose what to say to him and what to keep to yourself.

You sighed. “I had to clear everything, tell him I’m not going home. So that’s why I agreed to see him,” you explained. “But, perhaps, his proposition could have been a catalyst to the heat.”

“What proposition?” Calum finally asked.

You looked Calum in the eye, biting your lip. You knew the reaction would be big, but you didn’t want to keep him in the dark anymore.

“He wanted me to be his omega.”

“He what?” Calum asked so quietly you weren’t sure you heard him correctly.

“He said, he’ll confront both my dad and my brother and after he overthrows them, I’ll become his omega, as the bloodline heir. And our offspring will be rightful alphas in the future.”

You heard Calum’s heart rush its pace, felt his chest under you chest move harder. You could sense how much effort he actually needed to suppress his anger and not run away in search of Matt that very moment.

“Okay, first, I don’t want you see that Matt guy ever again,” he breathed out as soon as he collected himself. “Should have said it earlier, but I don’t want him around you. And that’s not a request.”

You smiled your sweetest smile, asking, “Anything else?”

“Actually, yes! You’re my omega! You’re mine and you're gonna stay mine and my offspring are the only pups you’re gonna have! No one else’s!” Calum roared at you, taking your smile for mocking him.

“Well, I’m glad to hear it,” you snorted, “would be awkward if you didn’t feel like that while i’m lying on you completely naked. Also, could you, please, stop breathing so hard? My boobs hurt from this.”

Calum's frown grew deeper. “I’m serious here.”

You sighed and rolled your eyes at how impossibly stupid your alpha was sometimes. “It’s like you don’t listen to me at all, Calum. I told you once already, I’m here because I choose to be here. It’s not up to you and it’s sure as hell not up to him. I chose you,” you repeated, seeing the realization in his eyes. “Now, would you be so kind to shut up and kiss me? I’m sorta in a heat and need some special kind of treatment.”

Calum didn’t say anything, just shook his head, rolling you on your back and leaning over you for a kiss. You didn’t need him to speak, though. You knew what he was thinking about. You had too much sass for an omega. But you also knew he loved that. Just like everything else.

***

Calum closed the trunk after putting there your bags and looked at you coming closer to the car. It was Friday evening. He had just finished all his work here and you two were about to set off. 

“You’re sure you’ll get through the ride?” he asked, as you came up to him. 

You smiled at his worry. You had spent last two days clenching on him all the time you could. And though you tried your hardest to conceal how difficult it was for you when he had to leave, even for couple hours, he still knew, could feel it through your bond. 

“It got better, Calum,” you reassured him. With a smile you added, “And we can always settle for the back seat, you know.”

“You think?” he smirked, pulling you closer.

“Sure. Last time there was a blast.”

He kissed your temple, you closed your eyes. 

“Seems like you can’t live without me,” Calum whispered. 

Your heart skipped a beat, as you prepared to fight back the rebellious part of you. But, you understood a moment later, there was no need. Cause even the most disobedient part of you couldn’t fight the truth. You really couldn’t live without him. You had no idea, when you had finally came to terms with it, but your independence didn’t mean much anymore. Or better say, little enough to give it up for him.

“Seems like you’re right,” you mused quietly, with your eyes still closed. 

Despite your readiness for the car’s backseat, the ride went pretty uneventful. Your heat was obviously slowing down and you felt better than ever with only Calum’s hand on your thigh. You spent about four hours on the road, most of the time keeping quiet, when Calum turned the car away from the freeway. You’d seen the signs and knew you still had about thirty miles left to the town border, it was too soon for him to turn. You turned to him, but he looked just as confident as before. 

“Where are we going?” you asked, failing to suppress your worry.

“A little detour,” Calum answered. His voice was calm and low. 

You looked around again as you entered a little village, wondering what on earth Calum could have needed here. But he drove past it. Another ten minutes passed, you drove in the countryside. The road was bad and there was nothing around, only bushes. What kind of business could he have here? Again you looked at Calum, but he was giving nothing away. 

You took another turn and came to a little field with a strange warehouse on the other side of it. It looked uninhabited, ominous even. 

“What are we doing here, Cal?” you asked, after he stopped the car. 

But he didn’t answer, just got out of car and beckoned you to follow him.

You understood everything the moment you stepped out of the car, all you needed was to feel the smell of this place. You looked at Calum. 

“What the hell?” 

Calum had already went a little forward and stopped now. He turned back to you and offered you his hand. “Let’s go.”

You crossed your arms in a feeble attempt to protect yourself. You looked at the warehouse again. There was a black hole where the entrance should have been. And you could swear you saw a silhouette of Ripper waiting for you inside. 

“I don’t wanna go there,” you admitted.

“We have to. We have something to finish there.”

“Pretty sure I’ve finished everything the last time I was there,” you scoffed. 

“Obviously, you haven't,” Calum shook his head. You saw sadness in his eyes as he said that. “Come on, love. It’s all gonna be okay, but you should trust me.” 

You shook your head, feeling a lump in your throat. You couldn’t get inside, you knew that. How could he ask anything like that from you?

“You can’t sleep,” Calum said quietly, coming up to you. “Can’t shift cause you’re afraid you won’t shift back. Which you probably won’t as only in your wolf shape you can let go of all of your fears.”

“There are no fears,” you said stubbornly, shaking your head and looking at your feet.

You heard him sigh. “You killed for the first time that night, right?” he asked you. 

You looked up at him, not answering his question. “Why are you doing this?” you asked.

“You need to accept what you did,” he said, taking your hand, before ordering in his alpha voice, “Let’s go.”

You didn’t want to, felt your feet stumbling, but you still went. He took you inside and all the way down the hall to the room where it all happened. You were positive the building was empty. You could hear water drops somewhere above you two and a lonely rat in the basement. And besides that only deafening silence. But you still saw Ripper in every shadow coming your way.

In the room it all happened the smell was the strongest. You felt sick from it, sweet scent of rotten blood from now on being the constant companion of your nightmares about Ripper. 

You hugged yourself and shrugged, looking around. It was dark inside, but darkness was never a problem for your sharp sight. You could see marks from the bullets Ripper sent your way on the concrete walls, could recollect where was Calum and how Ashton moved round the room. You saw it all so clearly, like it happened just yesterday. 

“Why do you blame yourself?” You heard behind you. 

You turned back to Calum to tell him he was wrong, you didn’t blame yourself at all. But those words stuck in your throat. Cause he was right. You did blame yourself.

You felt tears coming up to your eyes. “I’ve killed a person, Calum,” you answered him under your voice.

“He deserved it.”

“I’m not the one to decide it,” you sniffed. “I’m not a god or a judge. Yet I just jumped and did it.”

Calum sighed, his arms crossed on his chest. “You were protecting me,” he reminded you slowly. “And Ashton, and yourself, and many more. If you hadn’t killed him, he would have killed us all.”

“I could have just hurt his hand, that would be enough.”

“And then what, hurt the other one? It wouldn’t have stopped him. Ripper wanted to bring us down for years. And he finally has us with Ashton both in his power. Nothing could have stopped him. He’d just ordered his pack to kill us. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Yes, I did!” you shouted back, your voice echoing from the walls. “I killed, Calum! Just the way I was taught to,” you felt the first tear slide down your cheek. “Just like my father wanted me to kill my brother,” you finished. 

Calum came closer to you. “So that’s what tortures you?”

“I’m a monster, Calum,” you whispered back. “I needed too much time to realise it, but I did. All the trainings he put me through, all the lessons with the guards and the pack’s council. All the days and nights I was ready to die from the endless workouts. I’d never bothered with asking one simple question. Why would my dad go in all that trouble to train me? I was the second in line, a girl to make things worse. But that was the most important lesson I never actually learnt. Always have plan b. And I was his plan b. He was raising a monster out of me, in case his first monster won’t satisfy his requirements. And he succeeded,” you felt bitterness in your voice when you said it. But it was the truth. You were literally standing on the proof. And there was no running away from it. “I killed Ripper just like my dad wanted me to kill my brother. I completed his course.” 

You felt the concrete floor hit your knees and only then you realized that you’d fallen. Calum rushed up to you, to hold you. His face was blurry, though, and your cheeks were wet. 

“No matter how much time passes or how far away from him I run, I’m still my father’s monster. And I’ll always be.”

Calum shook his head, stroking your hair and wiping tears away from your face. “No, you’re not. And you’ve never been.”

“How can you want me?” you asked suddenly, frowning. “How can you want a monster?”

“You're not a monster,” Calum rushed back, his eyebrows furrowed. “You didn’t kill him to gain anything. Not power or respect or revenge. You did it just to protect yourself and others. You did what you had to do, not what you wanted. And now you need to forgive yourself.”

You shook your head, tears streaming down harder. You wanted to say something else, how there was no forgiveness for you now, but you couldn’t, choking on your sobbing. Calum pulled you closer. You closed your eyes and let it all out. Standing on the cold hard floor covered with the blood of a guy you killed, you were crying out all the despair you had, all the hatred to yourself and all the regret.

“Why?” you asked some time later. 

Calum shifted and pulled away from you to be able to see your face. “Why what?”

“Why do you do this for me? Why do you hold for me? Why do you want me so much, Calum?” he looked at you with his eyes wide. You shook your head, knowing full well what would be his first and most obvious answer. “I know it’s not only the mating bong.”

He sighed. You saw his sight getting softer as he spoke, “Because you’re you.”

You frowned and he went on, “You’re so strong. The strongest wolf I’ve ever seen. And you’re smart and witty and beautiful. God, you’re so damn beautiful. I see you every day and still can’t believe you’re real,” he shook his head in awe. “And you’re enormously kind.”

You couldn’t help from snorting. “We’re standing on a place where I killed a person with our knees in what’s probably been a puddle of his blood. And you’re saying I’m kind?”

“You did what you had to do. And still mourned him and blamed yourself even though he didn’t deserve it a bit,” he said with a sigh and pushed some hair from your forehead. “And you’re also the most stubborn woman I know. And I’m falling for you hard, mating bond or not.”

You closed your eyes, not able to believe he really said all this. 

“But I’m so broken, Calum,” you sobbed. 

“Everyone is, love,” he answered, squeezing your shoulders and kissing your head. “But if you’re broken doesn’t mean you can’t be mend.”

***

You were back on the motorway. The windows were open, letting the smells of the night and forest in. You were holding Calum’s hand in your hands on your lap, it was soothing your nerves and silencing your fears. 

You were tired. The realization came fast and crashed you. This week had worn you out completely with all the Matt drama, heat and now this. You were tired, but you still felt better than you had in the morning. You couldn’t even dream that visiting the warehouse would free you from the Ripper’s ghost, but you knew it was a start. 

Calum was humming some melody to himself, surprising you with his good mood. He was generally more satisfied with the life this week than before, which frankly startled you, especially after you told him what Matt wanted from you. But you took it as a good sign. He obviously trusted you enough with it. And if you were lucky, Matt would have left the town by now. 

You could already see the town entering sign, when an unusually big number of cars on the side of the road drew your attention. You felt Calum slow his car down too and looked at him in question. “Another detour?”

He pulled over and stopped the engine, squeezing your hands. “Last thing to take care of. And I promise, no business at the weekend.”

You heard car doors open and close around you and looked away from him. Wolves were getting out of the cars. You could see the guard of the both packs and some other wolves you hadn’t met personally yet. Andy was looming behind everybody else. Ashton came in front of the crowd, Gabbie and Lara following his steps. 

Calum stroke your thigh gently and sighed, “You can stay in the car if you want.”

He got out and came up to Ashton, when another black suv’s door was opened and two Calum’s pure bloods escorted Matt to him.

You took a deep breath. You could stay in the car, but you didn’t want to. You got out, saw Calum following you with his eyes and stood right behind Lara and Gabbie, taking that the safest place for you would be among the pure bloods. And Gabbie was your personal guard after all. Girls looked back at you and smiled reassuringly, but all your attention was on the two men in front of you. 

Calum stepped forward to where Matt was left by the guard. Matt smirked and straightened up. 

“So I finally get to meet the Alpha,” Matt drawled.

You saw Calum’s shoulders tense. Just a tiny bit, but it was enough for you to notice. The wave of irritation rose inside, but you knew the emotion wasn’t yours. It was getting easier to divide yours and Calum’s feelings, but you still didn’t like what you felt.

“Let’s do it in a civilized way, why don’t we,” Calum said calmly, despite the storm he had inside. “You leave the town and never bother me, my mate, my friend or our packs ever again. And we let you go unharmed.”

Matt chuckled. He observed the guard and smiled, finding you. “He thinks he’s the one to decide, doesn’t he?” he asked you over the heads of all the wolves between the two of you. “Is that what got you?”

You looked Matt in the eye, but said nothing. You knew that game, your brother played it one too many times with you. But you knew better than to answer his provocation. You took one step closer to Gabbie and looked at Calum’s back.

Suddenly you understood the lack of reaction from him. He probably arranged this all the morning after you came to him. And relaxed after this, knowing well his pure bloods will follow his command and he’ll have an opportunity to throw Matt out of the town himself. But it wasn’t a pissing contest and he wasn’t doing it to satisfy his ego. Calum was an alpha of the town. And this was his call to make. 

“What, you just gonna stand behind his back silently?” Matt threw at you, disbelief prominent in his words. “You fucking kidding me?”

This hit you hard. Your eyes darted back to him. You knew what he was talking about. You’d never been obedient to anyone, not your father, not anyone else. You were the only judge of you actions. But there was one thing Matt didn’t know. Calum had never asked you to obey. To let him into your life, yes. To let him take care of you, to become his mate, share his life with him. But he never, not even once, asked you to bow. And the decision he was making right in front of you now he was making only with your consent. 

You looked back at your alpha. He was standing there in silence, waiting for your reaction patiently, not rushing you and not trying to decide for you now. Your heart clenched with all the things you felt to him. 

I’m really tired, you told him through your bond. Can we get over with it already and go home. 

Everyone saw the change in Calum. You saw Ashton step a little closer to his friend and the whole guard leaning forward, as Calum relaxed his shoulders and lifted his head a little. He spared Matt another look and without saying anything turned around. 

“We’re going home!” he ordered. 

The guard moved just enough to free Calum and Ashton way to their cars, Gabbie taking your elbow and pulling you the same way. 

“Your father was right!” Matt screamed at you, making you turn to him again. “You’re just a fucking omega whore!”

Everyone froze, the next moment the pure bloods stepped forward, but Calum was faster. He turned back and hit Matt in the stomach so hard, you father’s ex pure blood bent down and lost his breath. He didn’t even have time to prepare for the punch, his full attention was on you. 

Calum leaned over him and whispered, “Please, make it easy for me. Just say one more thing about her and I’ll rip your head off right here.”

You saw the guard looking at Calum in awe. Everyone must have known already why Matt was in town and what he wanted from you. Threatening an alpha mate in any way usually caused wolves death. The guard knew Calum had all the right to at least beat Matt up. And they knew Calum wanted it. Yet he held back, showing mercy to ones who never deserved it. 

“No?” Calum asked, disappointed by the absence of reaction. “Alright. Consider this a final warning then.”

He stepped back from Matt, nodded to his wolves and walked up to you. He was opening the door to you, when you heard Matt again.

“You’ll fucking regret it, little alpha,” he promised under his breath, yet still loud enough for everybody to hear.

You felt guard looking at Calum again. But he just made sure you were safely in the car and then got in himself, the pack following his example. 

“You alright?” Calum asked, as your car drove past Matt, still holding his stomach and cursing out loud.

You just nodded, not able to say anything. Your mind was rushing around and you kept pulling on your fingers.

“What did he mean when he said ‘little alpha’?” Calum asked. “Is it an insult of sorts?” 

“No,” you huffed. “It’s actually my nickname. He used to call me this, when we were little.”

Calum hummed and looked at you, as you stopped at the traffic light. He covered your nervously moving hands and asked you again, “You alright?”

“Matt is a revengeful type,” you uttered.

“So?”

“What if he tells my family? What if they finally find me?” you asked, looking up at Calum, your eyes full of fear. You didn’t tell him that, but the idea of finally meeting them again obscured every other worry you could possibly have. You weren’t ready to face them, not after you finally had something to lose.

But Calum only smiled at you with the softest smile he used only for you. “Good thing you’ll never need to deal with it on your own.”

He took your hand in his and kissed you knuckles, while setting the car in motion again.

***

You were standing in the bathroom in one of Calum’s tank tops you’d stolen to sleep in. You examined your arm from all the possible angles, the scar from the bullet is hardly visible now. Couple more weeks and even you wouldn’t remember there was something there. You went on with your skin care, brushed your hair and was ready to come back into the bedroom, when your eyes suddenly stopped at your neck. You touched your collarbones and met your sight in the mirror, asking if that was really what you were about to do. 

You smirked. You’d guarded your freedom for so long, refused from giving it up for anyone, let alone Calum. Little did you know you weren’t giving up your freedom, but your loneliness. You took a deep breath and left the room.

Calum was lying on the bed in his sweats only, scrolling through his phone. You didn’t waste any time, straddled him and pulled his phone from his hand. 

“Hey, love,” he smiled at you, his hands finding their place on your waist instantly. “You look too good in my clothes,” he added, his eyes sliding down your body hungrily. 

You smiled and pulled him by his hands, making him sit up. He used it to his own advantage, his arms snaking around your back. 

“I wanted to ask you about something,” you started in half-whisper. 

“Whatever you want,” Calum agreed easily, bending down to you and kissing you cheek.

You gathered all your courage and breathed out, “Mark me.”

He froze. Then slowly straightened up and looked at you.

“What?”

“I want a mating mark,” you repeated.

The silence fell over you. Calum was looking you in the eyes, trying to find there at least a glimpse of a doubt. You were patiently waiting for him to proceed the idea.

“Are you sure?” he finally asked. 

You sighed and smiled at him, “I am.”

He pulled back a little and tried again, “Are you really sure you’re ready for this? For being with me for the rest of your life?”

Your nodded. “You are my mate, after all,” you tried to joke it off, but saw it would have no effect even before you finished saying it. He needed you to be serious about it and he needed you to be honest. You huffed and tried again, “You remember what you asked me about at Gabbie’s wedding? If I see it happening for me one day?” Calum nodded. “I do see it happening. Not tomorrow, but I do see it. And I see it with you.”

He didn’t say anything back, just kept looking at you with all his seriousness. You lifted your hands and stroke his forehead, pushing his curls back, caressing his skull. 

“You’re the man I wanna spend my life with,” you admitted. “You’re strong and kind, and fair, and modest, and caring. You’ll never make me obey you against my will. You’re unbelievably handsome, which also helps a lot,” he snorted at this. “You’re by far the most stubborn man I know. And I’m falling for you hard.”

He smiled at these words and leaned closer to kiss you. This kiss was slow and tender, but not at all less passionate. You felt his heart raising its pace, but his moves were slow and careful. 

You hugged his neck, dragging him closer, savouring the taste of his lips. Your hips clenched around him, Calum huffed in the kissed and picked you up. He swiftly rolled you on your back, hovering over you. His lips slid down on your jaw and then lower to your neck. You clenched your fists, ready to feel his teeth on your skin, but he didn’t stop and continued his way. His hands started to find their way under the tank top you were in, while his lips moved to your collarbones. Your hands tangled in his hair, pressing his face even closer to your burning skin. 

Calum pulled back and made you lift up a little, taking your top off of you. The moment you were again on your back, his lips covered your breast, making your instantly lose your breath. You were wondering every time, what it was about him that made you lose your mind. He did pretty much the same things as the men before him. But no one ever made you feel these things with just holding your nipple between their lips. 

You let go of his hair and stretched your hands down his body, tugging on his sweats. You didn’t have enough space to pull them down, Calum’s already too low, but you could show him what you really wanted. You felt him chuckle into your skin. He sat up from you and shook his head.

“Impatient, are we?” he asked, taking his sweats off. 

“For you always,”  vicious smile covered your lips as your panties followed his clothes. 

You bit your lip, viewing the man in front of you. You took his hips and dragged him closer. Calum chuckled again, but instead giving in, went back to your stomach. His lips were drawing patterns on your skin, while his hands were holding your hips down on the bed. You felt your juices leaking on the bed already and let out a whine. But Calum didn’t pay any attention, going on with his own plan, obviously. His lips went almost as low as you wanted them and started going back up. 

“Seriously?” you huffed, your hips trying to buckle up in search of at least any friction.

Calum didn’t answer anything, his mouth too busy with kissing and sucking. He went back to your breasts, eliciting a series of desperate moans from you, and finally reached your neck again.

“I want you,” you whispered, gasping for air and not controlling anymore nor your clenching hips neither your wandering hands. 

“I know, baby,” he confirmed, sucking a hickey below your ear. 

You whined again. 

“Think you’re wet enough for me?” he asked you with a devilish smile. You squeezed your legs around his hips as an answer. Calum laughed and patted your thigh, asking you to let go of him. You obeyed and pulled him in for another kiss. 

He entered you the very next second, making you shut your eyes and let go of his lips instantly, your mouth opened in a silent scream.

“Love you like this,” Calum whispered over you, his arm holding your arching back. 

He rocked his hips, his dick going a little deeper. You found it in yourself to breathe in and now you were letting the air down with a long moan. No matter how many times you’ve done it already, the stretch was still too much. He set the pace, slow and careful, getting deeper with every other move, not pausing until he could come on full in you. You were biting your lips from all the sensations in your body. He kept pushing, further and further and then he stopped, you felt him go inside as deep as it was only possible. Calum hid his face on your chest, breathing hard. You lowered your hand on his head and stroke gently. 

“You okay?” you asked, confused by his sudden hesitation. 

Calum looked up and smiled. “Fucking favourite place in the world,” he breathed out and moved again. And then again. He wasn’t slowing now, pace rising up with every move. Your whines turned into sobs as he started to literally shove you into the mattress. You saw the drops of sweat cover his forehead, his eyes were shut and his lips tremble. His beautiful plump lips all red now and wet from your kisses. You couldn’t fight it and pulled him back again, sucking on his lower lip as he kept pounding in you. 

You got close too soon, all the emotions and nerves of the day weakened you. It was like Calum felt it even before you did. Your walls only started to clench and he was already kissing your neck, just like you loved him to.

“Come on, love,” he rushed you a little, “let go for me.”

You could fight many things in the world, but not his begging together with his kissing. You felt the waves of pleasure covering you, one after another, honestly believing nothing in the world could ever compare to it, wishing you’ll have this forever. You were clenching on his shoulders, whispering god only knows what silly things, probably just repeating his name, instinctively bucking your hips up. And then you stopped. 

His teeth sank into your skin right over your left collarbone and your world exploded. White flashes in front of your eyes blinded you. You stopped breathing, but you didn’t need the air anyway. All you knew was the fire flowing into your body through the bite on your neck. But this fire wasn’t burning your down with pain, it was filling you up, just like Calum was filling you up down your body now. It felt like you’d finally found your soul and now it was filling your body back. It felt like realization of all your dreams you'd never known you had. It felt like the most right thing in the entire world.

You heard banging in your ears. It took another century for you to understand it was your heart pounding in your chest. Calum was lying on your, your chests moving in unison. He was holding you tight, his lips touching your skin exactly where the mark of his bite was burning now, imprinting your rightful place in the world and by his side as his only mate from now on and till your last breath.

***

taglist: @myloverboyash, @bringmethehorizonandpizza, @calumamongmen, @post-traumatic-mess, @empathycth, @calpops, @talkfastang, @cthoodsthetic, @ariannawoodxoxo, @dreamer-loves-lyrics, @fluffsshawn, @madformichael, @c-h-i-l, @woahitsannerieke, @rotten-kandy, @hopelessxcynic, @spankthetrashcan, @theodora-howyoudoin, @xcarondimoniox, @clummycal, @vexxybexxy-blog, @fictionalfrustrations, @notsooperfect, @rbforsmileycal, @lmao5sosimagines, @wantirwinback, @acapurso

Also tagging some mutuals and people who requested for the next part in comments (IF YOU DON’T WANNA BE TAGGED JUST LMK AND ALSO FEEL FREE TO IGNORE): @i-calumhood, @singt0mecalum, @rip-lukes-balsamic, @gorgeouslygrace, @5saucewho, @etherealhood, @inspirationcal, @calumfmu, @megz1985, @ficrec5sos, @toohardto-forget, @lockthisheartinchains, @imaginirwin, @josie-elizabeth, @danique001, @itsmeempar, @xheirjordanx, @viper-strike, @shawnsshimmeringsmile, @emptxwallts, @slytcashton, @talkfastromance4, @blahehblah, @allthelightwecannotsee, @calumsound, @lfwallscouldtalk, @xmeetyoutherex, @5sosses, @poetichoodd, @gosh-im-short

[in-the-whisper]

I’m sorry if this sounds incomprehensible and rambly and disjointed or pretentious. I care a lot more about this than almost anything else in the world and I wish I could do a better job of explaining myself. But I feel like why I believe in God or what my relationship with him is like is like trying to explain who I am. And I’m just the accumulation of everything I’ve ever experienced or that I think and I feel like it’s really important that I communicate it correctly so here is my attempt.

Here’s a video that’s really good that I think will give some good background information. If you don’t want to read all of this, the video is probably enough to explain.

TLDR: This isn’t the way things are supposed to be. Death isn’t supposed to happen, it isn’t a part of the natural order of things. God loved us so much he died to fix it, and rose again to defeat death. God loves me and I love him, and I’ve never found peace or fulfillment like that in anything else.

I hope this makes sense anon let me know if you have any questions or if I misinterpreted your question.

TW suicide // grief // abuse // rape mention (not v bad or graphic or anything)

Long version:

I think I've always thought that there's something naturally (for lack of a better word) poetic about existing. Not really meaning that it's good, but kind of that everything feels really purposeful it seems to flow together like an old epic. Everything seems intensely meaningful to me.

I've always thought that life was tragic. That death is a fracture in the way things are, like we live in the ancient ruins of a long lost civilization.

And I've always thought that life seems like an incomprehensibly wonderful gift, because how can there be tragedy if there isn't anything worth losing? But somehow it seems like peace is the basic way things are, that normalcy isn't normal at all but like this status quo of goodness which makes bad things happening not only heart breaking but surprising.

Reconciling all of those ideas is really confusing.

I'm a strong proponent of thinking analytically about what you believe since the answer we choose to the question of whether or not God exists is like quite literally something we bet our lives on. We bet our life that God exists or that he doesn't, that things have meaning anchored in an external source or that they don't.

So while I grew up a Christian I've never felt really dead in it. I want to be uncomfortable. I want to be stubborn in asking questions and I don't have a problem with questioning authorities on why they believe what they believe—especially if they really confidently assert it. I want to be able to know things and understand them.

My junior year of high school three of my closest childhood friends died, and several others almost died. I remember sitting up at like two am listening to twenty one pilots self titled album just like seething and exhausted asking lord why would you abandon me like that?

Some other really horrible things happened to people that I cared about, I felt abandoned and rejected by Christians just for being broken, some of them caused it or contributed to the trauma and abuse. How could people who claimed the name of God do that?

My debate partner's best friend killed himself the same year that my friends died, and he became an atheist and I stayed a Christian. We fought about it a lot. I really seriously considered becoming an atheist.

The thing that I couldn't accept was the lack of eternality.

Really ironically I think I stayed a Christian for the same reason that my friend became an atheist. We were both asking why all of the living world is crying out in anguish. We both wanted to die. We both were angry. We both were horrified.

My friend thought that the question of “where is God?” was harder to answer than “why is there meaning to death?”

I'm a Christian because I'm horrified. He's an atheist for the same reason.

If you don’t feel like reading it, here’s the TLDR: there is no reason for someone to do something or not do something if God isn’t there to tell them to. There isn’t a moral grounding for law.

Arthur Leff was an atheist law professor at Yale in the eighties, and he wrote about the moral grounding for laws in his essay, Unspeakable Ethics, Unnatural Law. The question he was asking was what can we do to ground morality? What can we do to prove objectively that there are things one ought to do and things one ought not do?

I am unwilling to accept that. There is something evil about abuse, neglect, rape, torture. There is something about these things that violates human rights, human dignity. There's something about them that goes against objective moral law.

But without God there is no moral law. So I wouldn't be able to say, "you should never rape someone, because rape is wrong." And everything that I had experienced flew in the face of that.

Dr. Leff wrote this about that question;

“All I can say is this: it looks as if we are all we have. Given what we know about ourselves and each other, this is an extraordinarily unappetizing prospect; looking around the world, it appears that if all men are brothers, the ruling model is Cain and Abel. Neither reason, nor love, nor even terror, seems to have worked to make us "good," and worse than that, there is no reason why anything should. Only if ethics were something unspeakable by us, could law be unnatural, and therefore unchallengeable. As things now stand, everything is up for grabs.

Nevertheless:

Napalming babies is bad.

Starving the poor is wicked.

Buying and selling each other is depraved.

Those who stood up to and died resisting Hitler, Stalin, Amin, and Pol Pot-and General Custer too-have earned salvation.

Those who acquiesced deserve to be damned.

There is in the world such a thing as evil.

[All together now:] Sez who?

God help us.”

In the end, it comes down to this; Do I believe that the complexity of the universe is because there was someone intelligent actively involved in its design, do I believe that information, reason, logic, emotion, and morality exist and are reliable because they have grounding in God’s identity? Do I believe that God is who he says he is?

And I guess the answer to those questions was yes.

I saw God. He was there in the stillness - in the sunrise and sunset and at 2 am after I couldn't cry anymore. I felt him. And I know part of his goodness that I wish I never had to know. I felt like I was lying breathless bleeding out in a gutter watching the stars. Almost like a pause - just a moment in time where I was hurt enough, still enough to hear his voice.

One of the most important things I learned is that life is not hopeless.  If life is a story, then the last chapter of the book has already been written. This is the premise of the song It is Well with My Soul by Horatio G. Spafford.

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, God has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul”

The powers of evil and darkness can take away my friends, my sanity, my family, and even my life, but God has already saved me, and I can find peace in spite of my circumstances. Three of my friends died, but God has already conquered death. I feel powerless, but God is powerful. I feel abandoned, but God loves me so much that he died a horrible torturous death for me. Living in light of that is peace.

Whenever I felt like I couldn’t keep going there would be something to stop me. I heard his voice in music, and in my friends that held me when I cried, and in morning glories on my morning walk. I kept lists of all of the times this happened, every time that someone encouraged me to keep going, every time that someone would quote a Bible verse when I was crying out for God to answer me, every time that the world paused. Everything asked me the same question, do you think it means nothing? Do you think that there is a direction that we’re going? Are we coming from nothing and going toward nowhere?

I had friends who heard him too. He was so gentle to us. I wasn’t able to go to church, I wasn’t able to listen to worship music but the LGBTQ+ community took care of me, they were isolated from church as well. There was enough for me in that God promised he would take care of me, and he did. He died for me. He talked to my trans friend and said, “listen, your parents have rejected you and said you’ll never be your son, but I am a good father. I love you. Be my son instead.”

God mourned with me. He saw everything and he was angry. I was able to breathe because I knew that in the end there will be justice for abuse victims, because God said that he is the holder of justice, and vengeance will be his.

When one of my friends was hospitalized I stood outside during the beginning of a thunderstorm and watched the clouds and the sky darken and lightning flash across the sky.

Even the wind and the sea obey him. He asked me if I trust him.

I guess my answer was yes.

In spite of everything that I went through, I was more thoroughly convinced that I ever was before that things matter. I was convinced that abuse is evil. I was convinced that death is an abomination. I was convinced that these laws of morality are woven into the fabric of the universe. I was convinced that God died to save us from that reality. I was convinced he loved me.

I still am

[i-llbedammned]

Title: Aziraphale’s Perspective

Word Count: 3399

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20273104/chapters/57178519

Summary: An account of Aziraphale’s mindset and actions after Crowley rescued him and his books during WWII

Text:  It was a foolish notion that compelled Aziraphale the streets at night.  He should just go back to his bookshop and have a calming cuppa, reflect upon what just happened by reading a lovely story –perhaps Lord Arthur Savile's Crime and Other Stories as he had just gotten a first edition copy of that.  He should make sure all the books were perfectly intact- though he strangely did not doubt Crowley’s assertion that they were.  He just wouldn’t lie about something so important.  Yes, that would be the wisest choice, surely a choice that would smiled upon by all the angels in Heaven and God herself.  Yet, being a flawed servant of perfection he didn’t do any of that.  Instead he found himself in the war torn streets, staring at the frightened faces of all the mortals who had just seen him crawl out from the fiery wreckage left behind by the attempted Nazi assassination.

The knowledge that he had almost been so easily discorporated shook him.  It wasn’t that a body was exactly hard to get, papers and all that were not impossible to do even if they were tedious.  But this body was special.  This body was the one he had spent so many thousands of years on this plane with, the body that Crowley recognized as being his and that he had lovingly grow and stretched into a pleasantly soft shape.  The new form they would give him – well it wouldn’t be him.  It would be like how he was guarding Eden, all tall and muscular with nary a comforting bit of fat on him.  No doubt he would be built like a soldier despite his desire to have a bit of cushioning.  Even though Gabriel shamed him about it, he liked it because it was his own and Crowley had once said that the belly suited him so…<br /> There he was thinking about that blasted demon again.  He had not the foggiest clue of why he continually came back to that tempter.  Up until a few moments ago he was sure that the demon hated him, he certainly hadn’t made any attempt to contact him after the holy water incident and no doubt was gallivanting around causing all sorts of trouble.  Not that, Aziraphale admitted to himself, he had not cause a small amount of trouble himself in those years.  One simply had to cause some or else it got terribly boring on this plane.  Then even after barely talking to him and saving his life and his books he just danced off.  That devilish red-head had just danced off with barely a “bye” or an explanation!  It was infuriating.  Not that the angel even cared about such things from his mortal enemy, but it was more the principal of it!<br /> Despite his small annoyance, he found his heart softening.  Why would he do such a thing, the poor soul?  Why would someone who had avoided him for hundreds of years now come back just to save him and his books?  Aziraphale knew that just walking past the fonts of holy water was dangerous enough for a demon let alone treading upon hallowed ground.  The poor dear was probably feeling it a bit after that show of heroism.</p>

<p>That show of heroism that he had made for the angel’s sake and no one else’s.</p>

<p>It was probably nothing, probably just in his mind.  The bastard was probably laughing it up back at his flat.  All the same, Aziraphale felt like he should check up on him.  You know, just to make sure everything was alright.  Surely, Heaven could see no harm in simply a show of compassion even towards the damned.</p>

<p>So, after dropping his book bag off at the shop, he made his way towards the flat that he knew the dreaded demon Crowley was making residence in.  The building loomed like a gargoyle over the city, flashing in the travelling storm clouds.  As he entered into the lobby, the angel’s silver eyes caught upon a bit of wetness glimmering in the lamp light and he bent down to get a better look. Sweet sanguine savior!  That was blood!  Not just any blood either, judging by how thick and black it was.  That was demon’s blood, no doubt in his mind!  </p>

<p>Crowley!  Despite his better instincts his heart pinged with a deep seated desire to run up the stairs, knock in the door, and run to him.  Tell him he was an idiot for putting himself at risk like that all for an angel who didn’t even like him and who he was sworn to defeat!  It had to have cut very deep to make that much blood, enough to leak through the wooden sole of the shoe.  They probably ached something terrible and pained him a good deal.</p>

<p>With urgency, Aziraphale took off up the stone steps because Heaven knew that the lift never worked properly around here, using his wings to boost him up a few steps at a time when he was sure that the mortals weren’t looking out on the landing.  What if he was desperately wounded?  What if holy made wounds never fully stopped bleeding on a demon?</p>

<p>As he reached the hallway the angel slowed down his pace.  It wouldn’t do to seem like he <i>wanted</i> to be there or that he was in a rush.  There was a storm coming and Aziraphale was just passing through and noted that there was a shelter here.  Pure coincidence lead him up the steps and to this apartment, not design.  Certainly not a concern.  He straightened his jacket and tie, trying his best to make himself look presentable as he made his way down the green papered hallway.</p>

<p>The black door was slightly ajar as he approached and gently Aziraphale extended his hand to push it open fully.   Any thoughts of trying to seem proper vanished promptly out of his mind upon seeing the fully extent of the damages laid out before him, damages that would not exist if it weren’t for his own foolhardy plan and lack of perception about mortal motivations.<br /> “Oh dear, that looks even worse than I thought it would,” the words practically tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them.</p>

<p>With an inward wince he noticed the way that Crowley’s muscles all tensed upon hearing his voice.  Even after all these years, it still was like being plunged into cold water just to hear his voice unexpectedly – he noted with a touch of sadness.  Despite the circumstances, the angel wished for it to be a truly happy greeting.</p>

<p>“Aziraphale!” Crowley cried sitting up and trying to sling one arm casually over the back of his couch, as if the smell of blood wouldn’t have been enough to alert him that something was wrong.  “What are you doing here?”</p>

<p>“I, well,” Aziraphale looked away, unable to bear the terrible guilt that he felt upon seeing the wounds that only existed because of him and this damned ineffable war that he was forced to take part in, “I happened to be in the area and I wanted to check in on you after the whole ruckus at the church. “   </p>

<p>It was far more honest than he wanted to be, but then again when talking to Crowley he was always far more honest than he wanted to be.  No matter how much planning he did, how much he coached himself on the stories he would tell this demon somehow when he saw the angular face with the jaw made tight by pain the truth just flowed out.  Cautiously he took a seat upon the leather chair next to the wounded demon, remembering that the last time he saw so much demonic blood there was a great and terrible fall from grace.  The smell of blood still haunted his dreams some nights as well as the screams.  Honestly he was surprised that Crawley wasn’t screaming now.  Instinctively his eyes began to well up with guilt-ridden tears and the angel tried his best to cover them up with a motion like he was scratching his face.  </p>

<p>“Well no need to check up on me, I’m fine.”  The words came out cold, but you didn’t spend so many centuries near a being to not be able to tell when they were lying.  The avoidance, the casual cold tone of his voice, everything about the demon was dismissive right when things were the worst.  The hiss only confirmed that which he already knew to be true, that which he could see in the dark red ebb of pain in a corona radiata around him in the type of sight that only angels of a certain circle could have when they focused.</p>

<p>“You most certainly are not fine.” Aziraphale got to his feet, sounding indignant and pointing at the stain on the demon’s grey shirt, unmistakably dark.  It wasn’t like he could gesture to an aura, but stains were physical enough that even a half-blind demon could see it.  “I can see the blood!”</p>

<p>“Oh that,” Crowley gave a shrug, “Blood’s in fashion now. War and all that.”</p>

<p>The flippant way that he took a drink from a mysterious wine glass just added to the message.  He didn’t need help, from Aziraphale or anybody.  Heaven forbid that he be allowed to feel the touch of someone who wanted nothing more than to take away his pain.</p>

<p>Well, Heaven might forbid it but what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them.</p>

<p>“Let me see the wounds, I can help.”  It wasn’t a request, not really.  The angel was going to help him.  There was no rightness in a world that would let someone suffer so dearly for another without respite.  No one deserved such pain, especially not Crowley who had gotten it taking out Nazis and saving knowledge and a life.  Saving Aziraphale’s knowledge and life specifically.</p>

<p>“No, you don’t need to. I’ll be fine. I’ve had worse.” The casual tone was almost enough to make Aziraphale scream “I can see in your damn aura that you are certainly not fine, you old menace” which of course he didn’t because a proper angel would never do such a thing but the impulse was still there because he was an imperfect angel.</p>

<p>Making his voice gentle he knelt down, supplication in his silver eyes, “You are exasperating. Listen,” The angel knelt down by Crowley’s feet and gently tugged the blanket off, making him hiss. But his feet stayed where they were.  They didn’t shift into another form, they weren’t illusioned away to look healthy all of a sudden.  That was a degree of trust, the knowledge that he wouldn’t be smote immediately.  Progress.  “You got these wounds helping me. At least I can help make them better as payment.” </p>

<p>Payment was a system a demon could understand, or at least he assumed that they would.  Instead he exploded like a tinder keg being lit up, “Payment?” You don’t owe me payment for anything!” Bright lines of anger lanced through the aura, making Aziraphale’s eyes sting with their intensity.  </p>

<p>Instead of looking away, he maintained eye contact lest it be seen as a lack of trust on his part.  “Then as a favor to you then.”  That was surely the problem, the fact that Aziraphale would have the upper hand in the scales.  Leave it to a demon to always be conscious of who had the upper hand, at least that is the speeches they always gave in Heaven about what demons wanted.  Truthfully Aziraphale just wanted to give him an out that wouldn’t disgrace him in front of either of their superiors.</p>

<p>“Oh? An angel would owe a demon a favor?”  There it was, the smirk that said that everything was okay between them again and that nothing had changed in the centuries of absence.  A palpable feeling of relief flooded through Aziraphale despite the circumstances as he let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.</p>

<p>But what if Gabriel found out he was showing such kindness towards Crowley.  The lining of Aziraphale’s stomach tried to turn itself inside out at the thought of the flames of Heaven trying to burn him alive.  “One angel, specifically me, would owe one demon, specifically you, a favor. Yes.” </p>

<p>“Right. Get on with it then.”  He barked, which was as kind of a permission as a demon could give.</p>

<p>Using the kindest touch he could, Aziraphale practically peeled the remaining shoe of his companion’s foot.  Bits of blood and burst blisters, tendons sticking through the bottom of the soles of his foot – it was all far more messy and grotesque than he had first assumed it would be.   It was a bit of a surprise the shoes held it in as well as they did.</p>

<p>”Oh dear,”  he mumumured, mostly to himself.  Any thought of keeping his suit pristine and white vanished as Aziraphale tried to draw off bits of pain, but there was too much for a simple touch and Heaven would not allow wounds to be made by consecrated ground to be healed with a miracle.   “You really burned yourself badly.” Tears welled up in the angel’s eyes, as he thought of how many years he had gone hating the poor creature who had just put himself through so much pain for his sake “I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve these. Not for-“ With a watery grin, Aziraphale broke off.  No, no sense in making all the pain worse by projecting his own guilt onto Crowley.  That was the last thing the demon needed at the moment.</p>

<p>It wouldn’t do to let such a selfless act go punished.  “Be back in a tick.” He assured his hellish companion, trying not to let his gaze linger upon the look of pain etched in every line on the face.  Frustrated, he turned off the aura gaze lest it become a distraction.</p>

<p>Heaven had said no miracles, but they didn’t expressly forbid him from making a salve that could take away any pain.  In fact they had ruled neither positively or negatively about any alchemical processes.</p>

<p>How convenient.</p>

<p>Drawers were opened, but of course Crowley had next to nothing kept in there that was useful.  It wasn’t like he actually used the kitchen in his apartment after all, it was mostly there for show.  At least he had the good sense to keep the fridge stocked, even though Aziraphale knew that he didn’t actually consume the food kept there.  Some herbs there, some water inscribed with sigils that had been lost three hundred years ago to most men, boil the freshly grown herbs with some fat and speed up time just a touch so that everything could be done quickly.  It was a risky move, speeding everything up, and certainly not something that could be done on a large scale but getting the soap to cool was at least a simple, untraceable task.</p>

<p>Bandages came out of the bathroom, kept there for Heaven only knew what foul purpose, and the whole pot of water was brought over as well just for sanitation, with a charm on it so that it would refresh itself without him having to get up and change it.</p>

<p>Thinking of nothing else but wanting to heal the wounds, Aziraphale cast aside the hat and jacket and got to work.  Healing was a delicate art, one that needed time and patience of which he had plenty to spare.  If anything was done improperly the foot might heal crooked or stay bubbled forever, both of which were intolerable to think of.  </p>

<p>It wasn’t til he heard smothered whimpers of pain that it occurred to him that the whole process might still hurt even given the precautions.  “It’s alright if you need to cry out, my dear. I won’t judge you. What you are going through is tremendous. I can’t imagine how much it must hurt.”  Permission.  Sometimes that’s what he thought either of them needed just to break through this awful shell both of them had around each other.  Permission to be themselves, unabashedly.</p>

<p> “No. This is fine. Feels like puppies.” Another bluffed lie, but an allowable one.  Sometimes a being in pain, even an immortal being such as Crowley, didn’t need their entire worldview stripped away all at once.  Sometimes a mask allowed them to be able to be vulnerable even around someone who was supposed to be their mortal enemy.</p>

<p>Heaven protect him and his silly mask of being strong.  Aziraphale would take care of the rest.</p>

<p>With a slow, methodical hand the wounds were cleaned ‘til the water ran clear and the flesh was already beginning to reform thanks to the alchemy ingrained within the soap.  Bandages were placed over it so that there would be no visible proof of what he had done.  When Crowley saw that he was more healed than he should be in the morning it would just be another one of Heaven’s silly little miracles come to roost.</p>

<p>His gaze travelled upwards after the work was done, a tired but satisfied smile upon his face.  There he saw Crowley gazing back at him.  The angular face seemed placid and a crooked smile danced across his face as he rested one hand on his cheek and the other splayed across the back of the couch.  His shirt hung open with a few buttons undone that made him look rakish even despite the full suit and for a brief moment Aziraphale wondered what he would look like with the shirt all the way undone.  Why in this light he looked positively enchanting, calm and strong.  In this moment Aziraphale saw the mercy in the angel that Crowley used to be.</p>

<p>Neither looked away and for a second it almost seemed like permission.  Like he was being the go ahead to make a move, to run his hands through that red hair and place a gentle kiss upon that brown that would show the demon that all had been forgiven and that he could stop suffering because his guardian angel was finally here.  To hold him close and let that frail body for once be able to relax rather than constantly be on patrol for the next threat or person to tempt, to be able to collapse and ramble about life, the universe and everything to someone who could actually understand him.  The only other immortal being who had been on this rock as long as he had been.</p>

<p>But no.  Heaven would not allow such a thing.  Sadness tinged his eyes as he remembered how much was at stake and how Gabriel would flay him alive for even such kindness as he already had given.<br /> With an effort, Aziraphale looked away from the golden fire burning within Crowley’s eyes.  “Good night, my dear.” One last gesture of kindness, a soft kiss above each ankle was all he would allow himself.  A selfish gesture of a world and an affection that should not be, but one he had no regrets about acting upon nonetheless.  “Get some rest. I’ll check on you some time soon.”<br /> “You don’t have to leave, you know. I could get wine and-“  Rushed words and desperation to cling towards a bit of kindness.  It broke his heart to leave, but if he stayed Aziraphale knew he would do something stupid and lovely.</p>

<p>“Another time. There’s a war and I have to go put away my books. But I will see you again. I assure you.”  Maybe next time he would bring some wine.  Crowley seemed to like wine and it wasn’t like either of them couldn’t get drunk without being able to reverse it.  People had cordial drinks with mortal enemies all the time, right?</p>

<p>But it wasn’t thoughts of war that he carried with him through the lightly raining streets of London.  It was the look of utter peace and fulfillment upon Crowley’s face that shone like a beacon upon him.  Trust and vulnerability, something that was rarely seen in anyone’s face.  It was like a weight he had been carrying for centuries learning the gavotte was suddenly lifted and forgiveness was right in front of him.</p>

<p>It was hope.  Hope for something more, something brighter.</p>

[badanimereviews]

finishin’ up fall 2019 anime

ahahaha it’s almost here. new year. new anime. 

let’s look at some of the best and worst from this season. well, everything i watched actually....

dr stone: if anything deserves 10/10 it’s this bitch. my inner chemistry slut has risen from the grave. this is my lifeblood. it is so good. nearing ep 17 i started reading the manga because i NEEDED more. and i haven’t read manga in like three years. i cried then at that bitchass byakuya, and dr stone’s last ep made me cry again. i’m talking more tears than the Niagara falls........ and then cried again when the second season was announced. like. if there wasn’t one i might have just gone up in flames then and there

bnha 4: i feel it’s a little more lacking then s2 or s3, maybe in action or smth but idek. i like the bit more insight and development the world is getting. also i love eri, and fat is hot (when he aint fat), also that over..load? guy is hella bae. also nighteye is actually rly cool and pls dont kill all might thats rude. also why the sudden interest in red riot like tbh i don’t rly care bout him. i want kirishima or todoroki or w/e bc they’re hot and redboy isn’t sorry. his powers suck anyhow

sao alicization 2: i think it started out better than the first season did. i needed these flashes into reality that helps show more realism, rather than just ‘ooh haha fantasy sword magic stuff’. which honestly took away from what should be a fairly severe situation. yknow. so far animation’s been steady, tho the new op is meh compared to the last ones. im not a huuge alice stan but the alice vs asuna vs the other girls is not fun, i mean it’s all asuna’s fault she could be like ‘ya i married him, dumb fucks back off’ and that’d be that but nooo it’s her fault. isn’t she dating kirito? and just letting these strange girls do this stuff to him? bruh

enen no shouboutai: very good. also 10/10. though not as 10 as dr stone. maybe more like 9/10. animation kinda decreased in quality a lil. understandably hah. warming up to the new op, i like the bit where shinra/arthur kinda fighting w each other their friendship is goals. i like all the powers. also shou is a baby boy

shinchou yuusha: the last ep twist got me fucked up. no spoilers tho. i loved all the characters, ristarte was awesome, her expressions killed me sometimes like same girl same. yuusha-san was a little bland but that might’ve been on purpose lmao now that i think of it (last minute thought: ristarte sounds oddly like... restart, don’t it? ;)))))

shokugeki no souma 4: another epic season kakakakaka. they always end on a cliffhanger and i’m like FUCk the episode’s over already when did that happen>???????>?>?> we STAN souma x erina guys. her father is an absolute DICK. and i am so glad she fuckin showed him. you go erina. get that character development. 

assassins’ pride: love me them character designs. and that op is to die for. i got the last ep to watch still. i’ve definitely warmed up to melida. and that navy-hair girl with the weird name is a goddess lmao we STAN a QUEEN. oh ya her name’s mule. dear author what made you choose that

choyoyu: i feel like a lot of the seven were glazed over, just kinda ‘oh aoi can chop stuff, merchant-san is .... a merchant that one time.... keine can heal people ..... and makes medecin worse than dr stone (btw i screamed at that like BRUH YOU FUCKIN COPIED OFF SENKU’S TEST WTF) tsukasa is way boring, akatsuki is meh and does not provide any explanation for how he pull off that magic shit without modern tech shit. ringo is cute and i want more of her actually showing why she’s smart and like... explaining it rather just ‘o she invents stuff yay’. shinobu needs to be the main-er character bc i love her god

azur lane: livechart.me says. ep 11 in 77 days. hello? where’s my jean bart?

kabukichou sherlock: ok i wasn expecting that at all. until they started insinuating how glasses dude was ‘jack’. bruh maki scary asf. did not give me good vibes ;-; also moriarty is a lil babby boy and i honest to god thought if he wasn’t jack then he was some mastermind bad guy at least bc i read sherlock holmes and we all know that bitch is a bad boy. but no now he’s a good boy and hella cute. also yes irene and sherlock dynamic kills me what a LAD 

chuubyou gekihatsu boy: shit i forgot to add this quick edit .... yes this is so cute and good and all them boys are so loveable omllllll my weeb heart

[thelaziestmotherfucker]

The Haunting of Hill House Appreciation Week

Day Four: Favorite Episode ↳ The Bent-Neck Lady

We’re not, though. Like any other family. We’re different. Because of where we grew up. Now, you stand there and you talk about ghosts and spirits. And you sell tickets for the privilege, and yet you don’t believe in any of it. And you tell me I’m crazy, and that Mom was crazy and Luke’s crazy and we’re all just nuts, and then you tell our stories. My stories, the same stories that you told me were just dreams or delusions.

This was probably the most difficult I’ve had with choosing a favorite episode of a show because, for me, each episode of this show was important and strong. That being said, I think I’m going to have to choose “The Bent-Neck Lady” because of how much of a game changer it is. 

This episode managed to do what most shows can’t do in seasons of development. I didn’t care or connect at all with Nell until this episode. Her and Luke’s relationship was adorable but what the interactions we saw in “The Twin Thing” was mostly between young Nell & Luke, not present. This lack of connection with Nell resulted in me not really caring about her death. The lack of story for both her and Arthur up until this episode had me disinterested in how their relationship ended as I wasn’t invested in either character at the time. 

At the time...

This episode, somehow, changed all of that in less than 20 minutes. They were able to develop Nell and Arthur’s relationship through a montage of sweet moments, abruptly stopping to show just how good he is to her and for her. The montage was cute and absolutely heartwarming, but the scene where he helps her get out of her sleep paralysis, truly sold me on their relationship. The expression on Nell’s face, is such true relief and utter gratefulness that she has him, and it just...wow. And then to top it off, you see them dancing and happy at their wedding. Just kudos to the writers and actors, man. Some shows can’t make me care about relationships in three seasons, let alone 20 minutes. 

And no show has also hurt me so much, so quickly. The Bent-Neck Lady appearing over Arthur’s body, terrorizing Nell made me sick to my stomach, which is something only two other horror films have succeeded at doing. But instead of feeling upset at gross imagery, it was from the heartache that as so well written and acted out. It tore my heart apart. 

Continuing on with the episode, it was so good to watch as it filled in the gaps and added new details. In the scene where Nell confronts Steven at the reading, she is wearing the clothes that Steve sees her in at the end of “Steven Sees A Ghost” which is a small but brilliant detail thanks to the costume designers. Each scene of conflict between Nell and the rest of her siblings is so sad and heartbreaking, and you are beginning to see why she’s goes back to the house, especially after the scenes with her therapist. 

I know what’s to blame. Hill House. 

The Cup of Stars is also introduced which becomes such an important element later on in the series. 

Then we get to House...Believe it or not, I guessed that Nell was the Bent-Neck Lady during the beginning of the episode, but I didn’t think the show would actually do that twist until she went into the house, and then I knew. It’s hard for me to talk about the scenes at the house because of how heartbreaking it is. By this point, I was absolutely in love with Nell, which was the worst thing that could’ve happened because she was dead, making her last final moments all the more depressing. And it got even worse as we saw just how happy she was to see her mom, Luke, and Olivia, and when she made up with her siblings. It wasn’t real, and we knew that, but it was what I, and most likely Nell, wanted ever since Arthur’s death: her family together and happy. 

She so happy that she cries her eyes out and it’s so bittersweet that I didn’t know what to do. These were her final moments and she was probably happier than she’s been in months. It’s torture. 

She goes up the stairs, which the show foreshadowed earlier on, and it’s so agonizing. She’s so happy to see her mom and she’s so happy to be finally given the locket. 

By this point, the episode is almost over and it’s been more emotional and brutal than anything I had seen in a while. 

Then the twist came. One that I had predicted, but really hoped wouldn’t happen. This was not only a shocker for viewers but it also set up the rest of the show’s crazy timeline. 

Time isn’t in a line, it’s scattered around like snow or confetti. Nell, the character that we had all grown to love so so much, had died. The Bent-Neck Lady, a creepy ghost that lurked in the house, terrorizing and scaring Nell through most of her childhood, and maybe through her sleep paralysis, was real. And it was Nell herself. 

[translucio]

EMBARRASSING to admit this but like........... rdr2 has probably Affected me more than any other game ive played recently.. like genuinely its made me Feel things more than my typical level of emotionality or lack thereof. ive only cried twice in the span of over a year (thanks to testosterone + depression + my baseline emotional intelligence of a dried out pencil eraser). the first time was a few months ago when i had an anxiety attack / nervous breakdown after a long day of extensive socialization and overstimulation. the second was when arthur died in this game.

and the world of the game is so beautifully rendered that it reminds me of why i love nature. its renewed my passion for hiking and being out in nature in general.

the writing/characters/story, environment design, and careful simulation through small mechanics all combine into something so vivid that its made me experience real life more vividly. its a reminder of why im so passionate about games and game design. if extremely ridiculous and cheesy

[arthur-rex]

@shireentheunburnt​ Continued from (here)

_____

Holding her friend, rubbing her back soothingly, Shireen let the queen put her weight upon her and did her best to take as much anxiety off the queen’s shoulders, if only for the briefest few moments. “Whatever you, and King Arthur, require of me, Your Grace, I will do my best to provide for you both. I want you to have the happiness that my own family could not due, in great part, to this creature. I will do anything you wish of me, to that end.” For the safety of the queen’s family and people, the princess would offer her own blood readily and without hesitation.

When Ser Percival entered with Arthur, Shireen looked on in horrified concern, quickly stepping slightly away to give Guinevere room to get to her husband, and to issue orders as were needed. Her friend was both a wife and a queen, after all; and Shireen knew well that she embodied those roles with a grace and deftness that could only be admired and strove for by others. She kept out of the way of both the queen and their knights as Guinevere took charge, not wanting her own concern for Arthur to intervene in what needed to be done.

That was until Melisandre made her presence known.

Immediately, Shireen moves to stand protectively between Guinevere and the red woman, distrust and an old pain written clearly across her face. Despite this, her voice never rose as she began to speak, remaining calm yet firm. “And what would you say that your ‘Lord of Light’ requires for such a boon? Nay. Anything you can do, I guarantee Ser Merlin can do better without needless shedding of innocent blood.”

Turning to Guinevere, Shireen shook her head at the older woman. “She is not to be trusted, Your Grace. She murders and plots the deaths of innocents with a smile upon her face. She admitted to my mother than much of her ‘power’ are merely tricks and illusions designed to deceive people into joining her faith; and that the innocent and beautiful are favoured sacrifices in her belief. She lies as she breathes, and lacks Ser Merlin’s kindness, good nature and skill.”

Turning back to Melisandre, a Baratheon’s rage flaring in her eyes, she concluded, “You are a sham, and a cruel one. You are evil. At least the Night King is acting by instinct, like an untamed beast that knows no better; you are not foolish nor an animal, yet you do vile things anyway. You are worse than he is. So much worse in that you do not even admit to being the monster you truly are. And, mark my words, I will not allow you to bring harm to Queen Guinevere’s family and people as you did to mine.”

If Guinevere wished it, she would move and obey the queen’s word. Until then, however, she would keep herself as a shield for her new friend and their wounded husband in the face of her would-be-murderer. And, even after that, she would keep a close eye on the priestess. Melisandre had been allowed to act with far too much impunity in the past.

Having spoke her piece, Shireen, unflinchingly holding her position, turned once more to Guinevere, bowing her head deferentially to the other woman as she waited for her friend to speak. This was Gwen’s land, and her decision, and Shireen would respect her choice; even though her vow to protect the queen and her husband would still stand… 

_____

The High Queen of Camelot listens to each woman speak. In the shadows of the tent, Arthur cries out weakly, shivering under the curse of the Night King’s spear. Guinevere feels each and every flinch of her husband’s body upon their bed, but she does not react; she is strong and steadfast, and will remain so as long her people and their King require it of her. It is this very spirit that Arthur fell in love with, all those years ago in a blacksmith’s house.

“Ser Percival. How long before Merlin can be located and brought here?”

The knight in attendance takes a small step back, as if forgetting his own presence for a moment. He is surrounded by three rather powerful women. 

“The Dragonlord? He was last sighted a day ago, flying on the back of one of his dragons, due south. We all thought... he would have returned this evening, on the eve of the battle with the White Walkers, but-”

“How long, Ser Percival?” Gwen repeats quietly, turning her soft, dark eyes onto the tall knight. “I trust the Court Sorcerer had his reasons for leaving us, but now he is needed by the people - Arthur needs him. Do we have a raven we can send?”

“Your Highness, if I may. Your husband has less than a few hours to live.” 

Smoothly interjecting, Melisandre raises her eyebrow pointedly at the young Baratheon. 

“I may not be the most popular person here, given the current company, but I am sincere in my efforts to save the High King. The White Walkers are the enemies of all those who serve the Lord of Light. Naturally, I do not wish to see Arthur Pendragon fall and become the next Night King, anymore than I would assume the rest of you do.”

Silence accompanies the red woman’s words, broken only by the pitiful gasps of the blond man shivering on the bed a short distance away. Arthur’s eyes roll uncontrollably, shuddering as his heart labours. 

Guinevere... don’t. Let me die... Gwen... please.

“If he dies, he falls.” 

Melisandre looks squarely at the Queen. “You would have to cut off his head, or burn him immediately, to stop the curse from completing its demands of him. And even then, I cannot guarantee King Arthur will not still succumb to the perversions of those that walk in shadows.” 

The witch takes a small step forward, eyes solemn yet reflecting the glow of the candles flickering in the royal tent. The night has been long, and certainly full of terrors... but it is still a few hours to go before the dawn. 

Hours that Arthur is fast running out of.

A hard edge enters Melisandre’s voice. “The magic of the White Walkers is a corruption of Nature herself. Cleansing fire is the only thing that will drive out the demon. I do not see that you have much choice. You must accept my help, your Majesty, if you do not wish to see your King become an enemy to his own People.”

Alone on her side of the table, Guinevere stills. The looming decision before her appears an impossible one, but - as Arthur begins to cry out again - the Queen at last shuts her eyes, tears trickling slowly down her cheeks.

“Heal him then.”

Nodding, the red witch walks immediately past the two women, settling onto her knees beside her patient on the bed. Gwen looks over to Shireen, expression alive with worry. As Ser Percival bows his head, murmuring he will send a raven to Merlin, he leaves the two women who immediately embrace each other again, holding on tight. 

Beside Arthur, Melisandre begins a soft, low chant. Her hands move over her neck, caressing the large piece of silver with red gems adorning her throat. Unclasping the necklace, the sorceress continues to commune with her Lord, chanting words that pertain to a very old legend. 

Drawing in a shuddering breath, the blond monarch closes eyes that have already begun to take on an unearthly icy tint, moaning quietly as the magic of the sorceress begins to interact with that of the curse. At the touch of Melisandre’s hand upon his brow, Arthur yells, face contorting in agony.

Gwen is no longer able to hold back. Rushing over she grasps hold of her husband’s spare hand on the other side of the bed, hushing and soothing her love. 

To her credit, Melisandre does not stop her, continuing without pause as her magic gains a hold on the ailing King.

[arisefairsun]

The line "O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?" has always fascinated me because of the way it messes with the iamb, particularly Romeo's name. It's so symbolic because if he wasn't named Romeo Montague, there wouldn't be a problem - in the line, or in the story, for that matter.

What an interesting thought! Thank you for sharing it with me. Unfortunately I must confess I find scansion rather difficult, given that I still do not entirely understand the stress patterns of the English language (I’m not a native speaker). But let me see if I understand this: Romeo’s name should be pronounced in two syllables here, but even so, it’s still not a perfect line of standard iambic pentameter, yes? Correct me if I’m wrong, I would hate to spread misinformation.

I have always thought that the ‘wherefore art thou’ speech truly deserves to be the most well-known passage from Romeo and Juliet. It’s absolutely fascinating. The play does not cover as many philosophical issues as, say, Hamlet or King Lear, but here we have some linguistic and metaphysical concerns that are worth considering… and what makes it even better for me is that it belongs to Juliet. It makes me happy that Shakespeare gave this inexperienced young girl the ability to explore such matters so eloquently, to defend her theory of the arbitrary connection between the signified and the signifier so brilliantly.

Interestingly, she is not the only character in the play to struggle with the lack of harmony in Romeo’s name. The Nurse finds it odd that it should begin with an ‘R’, which she attributes to the snarl of a dog.

NURSEDoth not rosemary and Romeo begin both with a letter?ROMEOAy, nurse; what of that? Both with an R.NURSEAh, mocker, that’s the dog’s name; R is for the—no; I know it begins with some other letter.

Being illiterate, she does not associate the first sound of Romeo and rosemary with the letter ‘R’. On the contrary, she relates it to the snarl of a dog (which sounds like ‘arr’). So a probable interpretation is that she finds such a sound too aggressive for Romeo and rosemary.

Mercutio, too, mentions the coarseness of his friend’s name—though in his case, he objects that Romeo’s love for a woman has deprived him of ‘his roe’:

BENVOLIOHere comes Romeo, here comes Romeo.MERCUTIOWithout his roe, like a dried herring: flesh, flesh, how art thou fishified! Now is he for the numbers that Petrarch flowed in.

If Romeo has lost the first syllable of his name, then all that is left is ‘me’ and ‘O’, words that can be easily associated with the language of love (i.e. O me!). He thinks Romeo has lost his vigor as a consequence of lovemaking, and that he only truly recovers his real self when he goes back to his male company, abandoning his Petrarchan verses: 'Now art thou Romeo,’ Mercutio says.

The Arden edition also suggests that if he has lost 'his roe’, then his name is merely 'meo’, or 'miaow’. That is, Romeo is a defenseless pussycat in comparison with Tybalt the Prince of Cats ('Is he a man to encounter Tybalt?’, Mercutio wonders). This is very interesting: while the Nurse disapproves of Romeo’s 'R’ for being reminiscent of 'the dog’s name’, Mercutio complains that his strength has been minimized and he is now an inoffensive cat.

Juliet, on the contrary, tends to soften his name by associating him with tender images. She first links him with a rose, which begins with the same syllable as Romeo’s name. The Nurse then mentions that Juliet 'hath the prettiest sententious of it, of [Romeo] and rosemary, that it would do [him] good to hear it.’ I read an essay about the symbolism of rosemary in the play recently, and I discovered that this flower is a symbol of remembrance. (Ophelia herself mentions it in 4.5: 'There’s rosemary. That’s for remembrance. Pray you, love, remember.’) Most interestingly, it was used at weddings and funerals! I can’t get over how suitable it is for Romeo and Juliet, given that the Liebestod trope is a prominent one and love and death are always combined in the play. So metaphorically, Juliet’s bridal rosemary (i.e. Romeo) becomes her companion in death as well, as he goes back to Verona to die by her side, promising to 'still stay with thee’. It’s very symbolic.

Etymology may also reveal some intriguing symbolism concerning Romeo’s name. Without claiming any authorial intent, I do find the pilgrimage motif on the lovers’ first meeting very riveting, considering that Romeo’s name means ‘pilgrim to Rome’. I do wonder if Shakespeare was aware of this, since he was the one to invent the saint/pilgrim conceits here—they do not exist in Arthur Brooke’s poem. It is then fascinating that he introduces himself as a pilgrim, and after Juliet exposes her Aristotelian understanding of language and her firm belief that Romeo’s true identity is not dependent upon a mere name, he echoes the religious motifs from their first conversation and says,

I take thee at thy word:Call me but love, and I’ll be new baptized;Henceforth I never will be Romeo.

Metaphorically, she baptizes him. He finds a new identity, and would happily 'tear the word’ if he had it written. From that moment on it is as if there were two Romeos: Romeo Montague and her Romeo. (He is referred to as Juliet’s Romeo seven times in the play—if I counted them all up, that is.) But given the power the feud holds in their society, Romeo cannot easily free himself from the burden of his own name. He even wishes to take his own life in 3.3 in an attempt to destroy his Montague self.

NURSEO, [Juliet] says nothing, sir, but weeps and weeps;And now falls on her bed; and then starts up,And Tybalt calls; and then on Romeo cries,And then down falls again.ROMEOAs if that name,Shot from the deadly level of a gun,Did murder her; as that name’s cursed handMurdered her kinsman. O, tell me, friar, tell me,In what vile part of this anatomyDoth my name lodge? Tell me, that I may sackThe hateful mansion.

Here is the unbearable weight of names, thwarting Romeo and forcing him into the violence of the feud. Juliet, with her wonderful linguistic skepticism, is the only valuable opposition to it. In choosing his wife over his name when he commits suicide in the Capulets’ crypt, he proves tragically, sorrowfully, that Juliet was right when she claimed that his real self isn’t conditioned by names and words, which are after all designed simply by human convention. Symbolically, the last words of the play, 'Juliet and her Romeo’, transcend the strict conventions of the feud and recognize the value of Juliet’s philosophy, as well as Romeo’s triumph in his last and perpetual pilgrimage to Juliet’s being.

I also noticed the reiteration of the words ‘O, Romeo, Romeo!’ throughout the play: they are repeated first by Benvolio after Mercutio’s death (‘O, Romeo, Romeo, brave Mercutio is dead’) and then by the Nurse after Tybalt’s decease (‘O, Romeo, Romeo! Who would have thought it?’). Interestingly, instead of following Arthur Brooke’s poem, who called the character 'Romeus’, Shakespeare showed predilection for the Italian version. 'Romeo’ is indeed more lyrical for the English language, as shown in the repetition of the o vowel in 'O Romeo, Romeo’, and it easily rhymes with other words, a good example of that being the last lines of the play: 'For never was a story of more woe / Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.’