#**i** just have severe trauma and wouldnt go back if you fucking paid me

[rigormortisangel]

why do people voluntarily go to psych wards. i knew since i was a kid that those places sucked and when i was forced to go it further traumatized me why would you willingly put yourself through that

[highladyofdusk]

Storytime With DeeDee #1

So I wasnt really sure what to write about but I decided to tell you guys about one of the biggest problems in my life since this is supposed to be about you guys getting to know me better.

So like two years ago I went on a school trip to Valencia and I was thinking about it since like the year before we went. During that time I was also doing Duke of Edinburgh Bronze Award and the Valencia trip was between the practice expedition and the actual expedition. If you dont know what the Duke of Edinburgh Award is then its basically a thing in Britain where youre in a group of kids your age and of the same gender and you go camping. Having never gone camping before I was well excited. So the practice expedition is when you have teachers looking after you but not helping you while in the actual expedition the teachers are like some distance behind you.

Anyways I went on the practice expedition prepared. My parents grew up in quite rural areas (AKA the countryside) so they knew what they were doing. The hike and setting up was fun. We had dinner and then we had a campfire where we made smores which are really good. So it was finally time to go to bed and thats when the problems started.

I was all for going to sleep at a reasonable time as to have enough energy the next morning because we were doing another hike. So I shared the tent with two of my friends, one of who bailed on us to go to sleep in a different tent. I have trouble falling asleep in a new place. It takes me a couple of nights to go to sleep in a different place even if its in a different room in my house or like when I go over to sleep at my dads where Ive slept for like 3 years. My remaining friend was all for going to run around and explore during the night with the others. So we went to a bigger tent and ate a lot of sweets with our friends until I started feeling really tired so I went back to my tent. Also this tent had no locks and was outside with the badgers and foxes which we were warned about so that made me anxious as I always have to check the doors are locked at home before I go to sleep. This was around 11pm so I tossed and turned in the incredibly uncomfortable sleeping bag until I started feeling slightly sick. Being reasonable I thought that I was either hungry or really needed the toilet because my stomach was hurting. So I had some bread and went to the toilet where I threw up said bread. I just thought that I ate something funny because I wasnt sure about the pot noodle I ate for dinner but I was hungry. So I made a couple trips from the tent to the toilet where I had my first encounter with a badger which turned into a staring contest before it ran away (honestly I have like a sixth sense or something because I turned off my torch as to not wake anyone and sensed that something was there) before I decided to do the reasonable thing and call my mum. This was at 4am so keep in mind that I sat sobbing in my tent for 4ish hours before I decided to call my mum because food poisoning usually goes away after 2 hours for me so I was worried. My mum advised me to drink water and wait till someone showed up. I only got about half an hour of sleep that night because I just collapsed on my backpack from sheer exhaustion because after the hike and throwing up I was drained. My mum checked up on me every so often and once I woke up at 6am I saw that the camping experts or something had shown up so I went over to them and they sat me down on a chair, got my friend to collect my stuff, gave me water and went to fetch a teacher as I am socially awkward and cant wake people up without getting anxious. So the teacher came and called my mum. My mum got my dad to pick me up and I was home by 10am. I had a shower since there were no showers at the campsite, had some tea and slept till 3pm. My mum saw that I looked better and decided that it was food poisoning or that we cooked something wrong.

Then came Valencia, something that I was really excited about because England does not have the weather to go into the sea. I love going to warm countries and sitting on the beach or in the sea. And of course my period decided to start on the day of the trip which really annoyed me as I have long periods and the trip was only four days. So I went to school and we got on the plane and we were off. We arrived quite late and had some burgers for dinner before going to our rooms. We stayed at a university and the rooms were absolutely shit but I shared a room with two of my friends. So we unpacked, showered and went to sleep. Or they did. I was having that issue again and couldnt fall asleep. Then the throwing up began. I was fine during the days except that my period was heavier than usual and during Spanish lessons when I would sit in the toilet for most of the lesson. As long as I was enjoying myself and kept myself busy (like the time we went to a museum and I spent the time looking at cute chicks (like baby chickens) and dinosaur fossils) I felt normal. Then when night came I started feeling sick. It got to the point where I refused to eat because I found it pointless if I was going to throw up again. One of the teachers had a room next to mine and kept 'blackmailing' me. Like she kept saying that she would take me to the doctor and have my parents pay for it (I have free health care in the EU) or that she would send me back home if I would shut up and make my parents pay for the ticket back (when I told her that there were no flights she said that she would just send me to Poland (which is where I was born) since she knew I had family there) and what was worse was that she denied ever saying any of that once my mum complained to the school and nearly got me kicked out of school. So when we got back I was traumatised. I lost so much weight that I wouldnt fit into my old clothes anymore. My pants, unless they were like leggings, would fall right off (I gained the weight back dont worry). I refused to eat and I would keep throwing up and the only thing that would calm me down was this calming herbal tea. I would spend half an hour sat in the toilet crying until my mum decided that I needed to go to the doctor to at least try to fix my physical problems while giving me time off school to deal with the trauma caused by that trip. So I got medicine and was diagnosed with a nervous stomach which while it cant really be classified as an official medical condition I will still call it that.

"Having a nervous stomach could have to do with your emotional state or mental health, your digestive or gut health, or even a mixture of both. Rarely, it may signal something more serious going on. Nervous stomach can also just be how your digestive system works naturally during times of stress. As well, it could be just an isolated experience."

This is something I got from a health website on google. I believe my case of a nervous stomach which I now say is that my stomach has anxiety as a joke to deal with the trauma came from my emotional state or mental health.

So I got back to school while I was on medication and I started acting more like myself. So I went to see the teacher who organised the DofE (Duke of Edinburgh) and told him that I couldnt go on the expedition because I was on medication and had a 'medical condition'. He was fine with it but my Head of Year (teacher who was in charge of my year group) wasnt. She was helping that teacher organise the whole thing and took me out of lesson twice, once before the expedition because I hadnt been attending the meetings and the second time was on the day of the expedition. The first time she was calling me a liar and said that I was faking it for attention and that I wasnt on medication neither did I have a medical condition (when this is clearly something that could have been caused by my mental health) and that I needed to start getting involved because they paid for everything (literally my parents paid for all my equipment) and that she would ban me from ALL other trips no matter if they were trips to a park or residentials (over night trips) which was fucked up because I have a 'medical condition' that may have been caused by my mental health being not okay (cant find a better word) and mental health is something they are trying to improve in my school. The second time she was accusing me of not telling the teacher that I wasnt going on the expedition and when I tried to explain she would cut me off and start acting like a cheeky bratty teenager constantly saying "No" whenever I tried to say something. She forced me to go see the teacher because he was waiting for me downstairs but I was then told that they had left AN HOUR AGO. Like WTF?

Now my 'medical condition' hasnt popped up anymore apart from when I went to an award ceremomy coz I got nominated tor Young Person of the Year (which I got) but it wasnt as severe. So it hasnt gone away so we havent risked letting me go to sleepovers ot overnight trips. Anyways I have a nervous stomach and its currently wanting chocolate which means that we agree on something for once so this is DeeDee signing off!

[syabilbil]

Dont you hate it when you dont have anyone that you can trust bcs you have trust issues since you were a kid? I cant even trust my parents bcs of how they raised me. They abused me verbally and physically. Punishment was a normal thing. Being told that I wasnt a good kid, that I couldnt do better like other kids, being punished after some guests leaving the home bcs i was showing bad behaviour, being told that I didnt do good enough bcs I didnt get 100 in exams, being silenced for more than a week bcs i had to pay extra baggage to come back home after univ life (yes my mom is crazy about money), being yelled at bcs i didnt know where i put my scissors i was so scared that i ran out of the house (when i was in elementary school year), being splashed/poured with lots of water in the bathroom bcs i did something wrong, etc. Being spanked/punched/beaten? Many times. And my dad? He barely did anything. He told my mom that its bad to yell/punish like that but she defended herself thats bcs he didnt do nothing to 'raise' the kids. Im not exaggerating. These are what happened. I saw them fighting in front of me many times. Im so sick of that, really. I wish they would just divorce bcs they fight too much. They said thats how a 'normal' marriage be, but fuck that shit! Its not fucking normal if you fight a lot!

I used to take a knife from the kitchen when i was about 5 or 6 yrs old to kill my mother. Yes you read that right. A normal kid wont have any thought of killing their mother, right? But guess what, I thought my mom is like a monster so I had to kill her to stop her from abusing me. If she wasnt that 'monstrous' i wouldnt do that..

The intensity got less as I grew up but the physical abuse turned into emotional abuse. I was always compared to other kids, I was pushed to always be the best in class, even in school, and 'fortunately' I had the potential to be the best. They might think I was happy. They might think I enjoyed everything. They didnt know how much parents and peer pressure I got.

I was under control in everything. I was always asked who called me or who I called after I used the phone, I couldnt join many extra curricular activities I wanted bcs it would drain my energy and time and it would cause me to fail in grades, I couldnt even freely go to my friend's house just to play with them bcs it had no use for my grades, and many more. Most of the time I just spent my days at home. Thats why Im not good in socializing, until now. I always feel awkward and uncomfortable in front of many people. I'm always afraid of being judged bcs my parents judged me a lot. I cant even trust them at all and thats why I barely tell them about how my day is going, or about a crush in school, even about how I really feel. I just dont trust them. They always think they know the best for me without asking my opinion.

They made me choose something I didnt really want. When I was in high school, I wanted to go for social class but my parents didnt approve it bcs social class is the place for 'bad kids'. They wanted me to be the 'smart kids', while it was clear on the annual report that my grades in social subjects were better than the scientific subjects. And when I chose what major I wanted to take for university (I chose visual communication design), they didnt approve bcs it is not a subject that will make me easier to get a job and to get well paid. And I spent 4 yrs in univ with lots of pressure just for a degree. I wasnt really enjoying it. I felt forced. And it resulted in me being hard to get a job bcs my passion is the opposite of my education. I decided to left my house and went back to my univ city to try job hunting again. (Un)fortunately I managed to get a job with a good pay. I did that just to not being at home bcs i didnt want to stay at that kind of hell. I feel trapped when I'm there bcs of the trauma. I want to stay away from them as much as I can.

Working in this company is no fun if you dont have passion in it, and that is what happened to me. I always feel bored and unpassionate. I feel like I ve wasted my 26 yrs of my life to follow what a 'normal' life is. I lived someone else's expectation. Their dreams.

This is not what I want.

And several incidents happened repeatedly that at some point I lost my insanity and decided to check myself to a psychiatrist, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder as side diagnosis. Lately I found out that I might suffer from PTSD bcs of my childhood and recent incidents. I was and am suicidal. When I was little I always wanted to run away from home but I realized I didnt have much source to survive. Until now I always have the feeling to escape. From everything. It got me thinking that if I end my life I will end to suffer, I will eecape, I will be free. And it is hard to explain to people, even if they re willing to listen, because they dont experience what I ve been through. I dont want to hear any judgement. It is hard for me to trust people and it makes the thoughts and feeling accumulate and ready to explode anytime. I try really hard to control myself, to hold my tears, to look normal. But im just so tired of everything. I even read many ways to end life but all I want is just to end it quickly. I guess I need someone to pull the trigger for me.