#(which is not me trying to leave nonbinary folks out i know that's a very binary explanation and i'm sorry for that)

[ingravinoveritas]

After seeing all those stories of Georgia going shopping with David (I'm honestly surprised that David knows how to drive, I don't know why), I think David is fed up with so much video.

@electronic-chocolate @victorianlonging Okay, so...I have indeed seen all of the stories that are referenced here, and I think a couple of things can be true at the same time. But let's first get the visual up for anyone who hasn't seen it (all in one video, for ease of viewing):

The first thought that I had is how reminiscent this was of what we've seen recently, with Georgia filming David when he seemingly really doesn't want to be filmed (such as at that festival last month).

What also came to mind is something I think at least several of us thought of (if my DMs are any indication), which is that David is clearly, visibly annoyed. There's no real way to not notice it, with him looking incredulous in the car (though I did laugh when he said "I'm not dressed for this," given how adorable he looked without even realizing it), and then when she sets the tone by immediately using the word "content." There's no question that that's what the objective of this was: To have content of/with David that Georgia could post to garner attention.

Once they're in the store, we see him balling up the shopping bags in his hands, which to me came across as a sign of anxiety. And given how non-confrontational we know David is, it's almost amazing to hear him respond to Georgia's "Say hi!" with an immediate "Nope." And the whole thing sort of becomes what you might call a self-narrating zoo exhibit (or "self-paparazzi," as I recently heard someone aptly describe it) where David is literally just trying to shop for groceries while Georgia is sticking a camera in his face.

We also notice that at one point, David is recognized by some fans and stops to take a picture with them, which when you think about it is likely a regular occurrence, since he has one of the most famous faces in the country. But because that is the case, you'd also think he would feel a sense of relief when those interactions are over and he no longer has to be "on"...until he goes back to Georgia and she is filming him. And as good-natured as David is, there's no doubt that it must get a little tiring after a while.

All that said--and in the interest of providing a balanced perspective--it is possible that David was playing things up, to an extent, and perhaps even exaggerating some of the annoyance that we saw. And there was something else about this that stood out to me, and that deserves discussion: His shoes...

Yes, David was wearing gay pride Doc Martens. GAY PRIDE BOOTS, ladies and gentlemen and those of other gender persuasions. And when we realize this is the case, everything about this vlog/series of stories starts to gets very interesting. Because while the shoes were by no means the focal point of the Insta stories, Georgia had to know that David's eagle-eyed fans would clock them right away. And clock them they did (and I also noticed this pair of Pride-themed Doc Martens, and would not be at all surprised to learn that David owns a pair of those as well).

Leaving aside the fact that no straight man on this Earth--no matter how strong an ally--would wear those boots (I mean...come on), I almost saw this as a callback/follow up to Georgia's story from a few months ago where she appeared to use "their" pronouns when talking about David (rather than he/him). Much discussion was had at the time of this being a way to "test the waters" for David to start being more open about his sexuality/identity, and this almost feels like a continuation of that.

Having heard from queer followers of mine who are not fully out to their families/friends, it seems that it is not uncommon for folks in that position to wear things to drop little "hints" around people they are not ready to disclose to yet. And when you think about the number of "hints" from the last few months--the nonbinary pin, the pronoun Insta story, David getting emotional talking about Pride Month on that podcast, and now these new Insta stories wearing those boots--it makes you wonder if it's all building toward something.

Whatever the case may be, it's still difficult to overlook how uncomfortable David looked at times in those videos today--even if he was playing things up. For my part, I would genuinely rather never have Georgia post anything about David again than see him in her posts knowing that he is uncomfortable with it. I also agree that her hunger for content seems to be increasing, but I would also like to hope that if David did seriously ask Georgia to stop filming--for any reasons--that she would do so.

So I suppose we'll have to see what (if anything) this all leads to, and what will happen if/when she films him again. Happy as always to hear others' thoughts in the comments...

[thesleepiestselkie]

i truly believe the trans community has got to start openly and loudly supporting detrans folks. i wanna share my story with y'all, and it is long and possibly triggering? and i say at least one nsfw thing. but i feel like a lot of trans people only ever see detrans stories weaponized against them, and therefore there's a good chunk of the trans community that has (understandably) a lot of vitriol towards detrans people. so since it's pride month, i wanted to talk a minute about being a nonbinary detrans person.

when i first started learning about trans and nonbinary identities, i knew pretty much immediately that i was nonbinary. i was in high school by the time i found out that you could be a different gender than the one on your birth certificate, and i was over the fucking moon. problem was, i was a homeschooled navy brat pastor's kid 3 for 1 combo and so my literal Only exposure to any world outside of patriarchal gender & sexuality norms was.... you guessed it! tumblr.

tumblr around 2013-2015 was a pretty weird and vitriolic place to be nonbinary. half the site claimed you were faking, the other half was trying to lure you in by spouting the weirdest genders on god's green earth. (i love y'all go wild with ur genders that's just not my brand of existence.) so like.... i picked a side? i decided when i was around 15 that being nonbinary was kinda cringe and from that point on i identified as a trans guy.

cue fighting with my parents for like 7 years about the whole existence of trans people, the idea that i was a trans people, this weird belief i had that i should have bodily autonomy, and this weird belief that they had that pretty much anything could be cured if you prayed hard enough (from anxiety to cancer to, surprise, transgenderism)

the only way i came out of that fight as myself was through transitioning. i very loudly expressed that i Would do what i wanted with my body, and they had no right to control me. when i started t shots, i was 19, and i loved it.

i was euphoric every time i got gendered correctly by a stranger, i celebrated the first time i shaved real beard hairs from my face, it was beautiful. genuinely. i was part of a community of other trans guys ("guys" here ranging from "100,000% binary ftm transsexual" to "transmasc nb who's just happy to be here") and we loved each other hard.

i think i started consciously having to push away real doubts about continuing to transition when i was pursuing top surgery. i really, truly, wasn't sure. but by that point, it felt almost expected of me from the one side, and absolutely forbidden on the other. and like, i don't know that i would have gone through with it if it was just our weird homoerotic groupthink, i was sick of my tits bc like. they're tits. they suck to live with regardless of how hot they are. i was sick and tired of choosing between binding (over ribs that had already been fractured at least once due to improper binding) or being misgendered. and i was exhausted of my parents telling me, at age 21, that i didn't have the right to do what i wanted with my body.

so i got top surgery. and, like, i was happy. but i think i knew i fucked up as soon as i woke up from the surgery. the surgeon didn't leave me with any areolas whatsoever, which i didn't think going in was even a possibility. and maybe this is trivial, but that sparked something in me that i was terrified to admit, and couldn't, until much later on: i felt dysphoria about not having my tits.

but like, i was committed to the bit, you know? i'd gotten used to being a guy, and it fit well enough, like a second-hand sweater. so i just kinda rode the wave as far as it would take me. i did my shots (with absolutely no regularity because through all 3 years i was on testosterone stabbing myself in the leg really never got less hard and scary) and if i was being real i would admit to myself that i was probably more transmasc than a trans *man*.

and then my brother died! of aforesaid cancer that my parents tried real hard to pray away. (to be clear, they also got him the best medical treatment they possibly could, they aren't full on religious nutjobs.) and, quite frankly, i hadn't realized before then how integral to my identity my brother was. (again, homeschooled military kid with exactly one similarly-aged person who was actually around for more than a couple years of my life.) it kinda broke the shell identity that i'd been hiding behind. i realized i had a responsibility to myself to be myself, and i just wasn't a fuckin trans guy.

so i stopped taking t, and i started opening myself up to dressing how i used to love dressing, before i got all truscummy. and i felt myself come back into my body a bit, for the first time in god only knows how long.

fast forward 3 (ish) long, godawful, miserable years of therapy and grief and more grief, and i'm a pretty well-adjusted nonbinary person. i have a wife and a 9-5 job and my creative drive has been returning in spades. but i'm still dysphoric about my tits. i miss them. i can't say whether i made a mistake in getting top surgery, because my mental health was so completely shot back then that it really might have saved my life in some way or other, but it feels like one now. they were pretty, and soft, and sensitive. i got my nipples pierced last year and literally could not feel it happening. i only have feeling in some parts of my chest. i look fine, and i've accepted that this is the body i chose to live in. but sometimes i wish i wasn't so afraid to talk about this feeling.

some of y'all talk a big game about supporting detrans folk, but i don't see it. in mainstream lgbtq+ culture, is it absolutely taboo to talk about detransitioning, and y'all know it is. and there is literally no one else speaking up for us. a lot of detrans people become anti-trans specifically due to the reception their detransition was given by the community. it is so transparently hostile towards us because we got it wrong. and if people can make mistakes, that might mean (*gasp*) you might make a mistake?? and then it's a Real risk and not a fake one that conservatives made up to scare the parents of trans kids. and we just can't have that.

shouldn't we be telling kids that in your life, you're going to do things you risk regretting, and it's okay, because everyone has regrets? it's not some trans-specific thing. i regret my college boyfriend and not taking better care of my first car. i also regret having top surgery. it's not a dirty word—i'm just some guy, and everyone fucks up, sometimes in life-ruining ways. mine wasn't life-ruining, just kinda hard to process. but man, it sure woulda been easier if literally the only welcoming community for detrans people wasn't coincidentally Extremely anti-trans 🙃

and like........ i'm also.... Still Trans? i detransitioned to the gender i was before i identified as ftm: nonbinary. i stopped my medical transition, i reverted back to they/them pronouns. i detransitioned, but the idea that only cis people detransition is overwhelmingly binarist if you think about it for more than 2 seconds. (idk if that's a word but i'm making it one. you literally know what i mean). i can participate in trans dialogue, but there are areas of my history that i just have to avoid because i'll start getting dirty looks.

so yeah. all that to say. please start including us. loudly. please make a safe space for people who made mistakes, because the only one that exists right now is built to radicalize us against the people for whom those choices weren't mistakes.

[red-woods]

 they’re a free snack as long as they’re in a yard that doesn’t use pesticides but bugs sometimes hide in the tops because they like getting a snack from them too so watch out :)    u can tell the difference of if there’s pesticides by if there’s native plants growing there as well    acorns are also edible !     when trying to put caterpillars back on trees , look for trees with bite marks out of leaves as that will indicate what plants are edible for caterpillars , if it’s early in the season and no “ chomps “ are “ gracing your orbs “ then safe bets are oak , cherry, willow, or apple leaves .     some spiders evolved to live inside houses so it’s better to put them on house plants vs putting them outside .     We used to be able to eat tree bark , but didn’t eat it enough so we chose to starve instead .      we also chose to drink milk that doesn’t belong to us , despite it making us shit and feel bad ,    milk which does not belong to us is delicious and in every store ever despite the fact some of us are still afflicted with the curse .  the curse of not being able to drink milk that does not belong to us without consequence .  I cannot stop eating the mold that has grown on the milk which does not belong to me , or drinking the milk that does not belong to me .  sometimes i eat a goo made out the milk that does not belong to me .  I do not know what the goo is other than milk that does not belong to me and i try not to think about it .     additionally : figuring out you can , and then obtaining and drinking milk that does not belong to you is an action which the entirety of all animals ever , correctly regard as a weird fucking move .    how the fuck do homophobes say gay people falling in love is unnatural but then turn around and grope the titties of an animal that was bio-engineered to have favorable characteristics for production of a product , kept out of their habitat and placed in inhuman living conditions , fed steroids , severely depressed and intentionally kept in a state that harms them - putting them in a constant fucking hell that in any sort of world in which god is not dead : should be burned to the ground .     you can’t tell me that when i met god in psychosis , and all my dead loved ones , and they told me to hold hands with girls and nonbinaries , that that’s unholy , but that whatever the fuck is going on here would be smiled upon .     i am going to remove organs    additionally squirrels and pidgeons used to be domesticated and are still very lovable little folk .     the reason there aren’t fruit trees in the united states is because they dont plant them because they want us to starve !  that’s also the reason there’s so much pollen everywhere , the “ male “ trees can’t find any “ female “ fruit trees and get confused and jizz everywhere !  hope this helps !     - Eli 🍁    

I don’t think dandelions are weeds. I think dandelions are free flowers that four year olds can pick for their mommies

[cosmos-dot-semicolon]

1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21 for the aro ask game

Enjoy the fibonacci sequence 💚

(If you think that's a lot of questions, I was originally gonna do all the prime numbers, but that was actually half the list)

(aromantic ask game)

hehehe. putting maths in an ask is a sure-fire way to get me to answer questions.

time to finally do some introspection after exams... hmm.

Where are you on the aro-spectrum?

I'm kinda hesitant on picking a label. I've pinged back and forth between identifying as someone attracted to girls (and possibly some nonbinary folk) and as someone who only feels strong platonic connections. honestly right now.idk.

Recently I've come to realise that my connections weren't really ideal as a kid, so my ideas of both romantic and platonic love were kinda. confusing. So I'm putting that on the back burner until I've had some time to think about it 😅

If anyone asks. I'd probably still round it down to 'aro' rather than 'grey-aro'. I have had a rate of about one crush per decade of my life, and I am uncertain if I would've called them that if I have the insight I do today. Also a few fictional characters but that's a whole new can of worms. I think that's very low relative to most people.

So. uh. technically grey? But statistically aro? I don't know. Identity is in beta testing mode (again 🙄)

(I've been certain I was ace since I learned the term, though. I've never looked at anybody in real life and thought I'd like to have sex with them, or even just liked them in that way. I'd be put off by just about anybody asking that of me too.)

When did you first realise you were aro-spec?

The first inkling I had was from a joint ace-aro post here, which had advice among the lines of 'most of your friends will not actually leave you once they're dating/married like in the movies. Maybe if you're a teen, but most normal adults won't.' That struck a chord with one of my inner fears and how I possibly saw my life going, but I didn't really take much more stock of it at the time.

Honestly. It was probably some of the posts you made that resonated the most with me recently. You commenting about the loveless community really made me sit back and be like 'oh shit wait. that's true. not all things that bring joy fall under that word. maybe I should rethink some things…'

In retrospect it probably should've been a bit more obvious given my lack of interest towards it for most of my life. Like I just don't feel the urge to do much related towards it at all. I thought it was fucking wild that my friends would bother dating in secondary school. I guess I'd always assumed I might try it later if I was interested. And then I kinda. wasn't.

Did you have a moment of “Wait, romantic attraction is real?”

I think I had it more towards sexual attraction instead in like "huh. okay. for real?? wild? cool i guess."

I do experience friendships and caring towards people I like quite strongly. I guess I kind of extrapolated other peoples' romantic feelings from that. And thought nothing else of it.

There weren't many ace/aro gender/attraction minority people at my secondary school so I hung out with a lot of bi/pan folks instead. They were really cool, caring people, so I never really doubted this was a thing for them.

Are you romance-positive, romance-repulsed, or indifferent?

I don't think I'm repulsed by it. I was definitely romance-positive in the past. It's one of those things I'd be open to try with particular people I'm close to

At least in theory. I have no experience in this lol. i'll get back to this post someday if that ever happens.

What other identities are you, if any?

Ace! I figured that one out at like 13 from when I first saw the word, lol.

Nonbinary. I figured that out the moment I realised I fucking hated being perceived as my assigned gender as an adult.

I used to identify as bi, then sapphic when it came to romance. This is currently being put on hold until I can figure out how to live life in a not soul-draining way again.

Do you have an aro ring? Do you want one?

I was not aware this was a thing until this ask! Hmm. I already have a stim ring on my left pointer finger for fidget purposes. At least right now I'd have to say no just for sensory purposes (too close to the ring I already have).

How many aro-specs do you know IRL?

Hmm. I don't like how low the number is, but one. They're quite open about it and I think they're extremely cool. They're my housemate :)

[genderkoolaid]

My thoughts:

This article definitely feels weird about trans men. Condescending isn't a bad way to put it.

To me, it seems like the author is very attached to the idea that the diversity of trans men & masculine people's bodies and how their bodies shape their experiences does not matter because Trans Men Are Privileged (something they put zero effort into really analyzing). It reads as very dismissive of the idea that trans men's bodies are capable of being transgressive. The author comes across as uncurious about the nuances of living in a transmasculine body, instead favoring an interpretation which re-affirms the conclusion they seem to already have had in mind.

The author is weirdly avoidant of dealing with any nuance related to penises? Like, they insist that bodily maleness is monolithic, yet they also briefly mention the differences in how some of the trans men interviewed see their genitals: some have gotten phallo, some want it, some haven't gotten it and don't want it. Seeing as the penis is The symbol of maleness, culturally, it's strange to me that there is no exploration of this. Like. they keep saying "a penis isnt mandatory! they all want a masculine body!" like okay. But the penis thing kind of matters though? Why are they being so dismissive of this aspect of physical transition? You would think a paper so focused on bodily maleness would discuss this at all, maybe include something on the stigmatization of bottom growth or the way transmascs are shamed out of bottom surgery or. Anything?

Related to that: there is virtually no discussion of the material impact of having a uterus and a vagina on your life. There is no discussion of trans men&mascs who have the capability to get pregnant, who have been pregnant, who have needed abortions, etc. It's not even referenced. Despite this whole article being about bodies, the male uterus doesn't play even a background role in their analysis. They don't discuss the imagery of the pregnant man and how it invites disgust, danger, and denial of identity. They don't discuss the fears many trans folks have of forced pregnancy, or avoidance of vaginal/uterine healthcare out of fear of discrimination. The idea of keeping your vagina & uterus while living as a man, seemingly, not a big deal! There is *one* sentence that deals with this ("His biggest fear is, as he gets older, to become more vulnerable to maltreatment by medical and social care services if he chooses “not to have certain surgery” (namely, genital surgery).") but it is not explored at all beyond this line. Again, in a paper which repeats over and over that it's focusing on bodies, they avoid the part of our bodies which most distinctly & uniquely complicates our trans lives.

I don't know exactly what the total pool of trans interviewees looked like, but I will say that they never bring up non-op/non-T folks. Again, they are very insistent that transmasculine body desires are homogenous, and implicitly that the results of our desires are homogenous. There is no room in this article for any visions of maleness that don't involve standard FTM medical transitioning. Like Greyson said, the author seems also weird about the genderqueer and nonbinary participants. They seem like... they keep talking about how even if being read as a cis man makes you uncomfortable, even if you are actively trying to be transgressive, it doesn't actually matter. I've thought a lot about how living in a post-T but no/pre-op body (one which is clearly, physically nonbinary) impacts my life, so it's weird seeing someone write off the idea that such a position even exists ("Both Ash and Diniz are most often seen as masculine, as men. In spite of the refusal of the system, their transformed bodies, leaving aside all aspirations and ambivalences, generated a new gender location. And with the new location in the “land of masculinity” came a degree of privilege, even if unwanted.") The author never seems to consider what their words mean for butch and/or non-op/non-E transfems either. They also never discuss feminine or androgynous transmasculine experiences; there is a conflation here of "transmasc/transfem" as broad spectrum terms relating to similar experiences with transitioning, with the gender presentation of individuals.

Also as Greyson said, they use one study as proof that trans men have male privilege, focused on what we don't experience with exactly zero discussion of what trans men DO experience. & of course nothing about how erasure influences how FTM&FTX deaths are recorded. As mentioned, there is no discussion of the material impact of having a uterus and vagina. There is no discussion of non-passing transmascs, especially those who are non-op/non-T. There are no other sources used– which is funny since this article came out in 2018, three years after the 2015 US Trans Survey released it's findings that FTM & FTX people had the highest rates of lifetime sexual assault in the trans community.

All in all, this article reads to me like the author came into the research with a conclusion in mind. It feels... kind of hostile to FTM & FTX people who talk about gender or sex transgression or who talk about complicated relationships with male privilege. In the introduction they say that "the materiality of gendered inequality cannot be ignored and reduced to one-dimensional oppositions," yet they spend the entire article doing exactly that. As if it's some radical new statement to say that trans men are privileged and have the opposite experiences of trans women.

This article, at best, is just rehashing what the limited amount of writing on transmasculinity has already said a million times. It adds nothing new to the conversation and avoids anything that could add nuance or explore the unique position of transmasculinity.

I came across this paper:

https://www.academia.edu/71372307/Trans_masculinities_embodiments_performances_and_the_materiality_of_gender_in_times_of_change

I'm not well-versed in academic language so I can't really understand all of it, but it seems kind of gross and condescending, especially when it's using testimonials of transmasc's desire to be seen as men to, idk, prove that masculinity isn't really queer or something? I'm curious how other (smarter) people would interpret it.

I mean, your understanding of it is just as important as mine! I'm happy to add my thoughts, though.

My understanding is that their thesis is essentially "masculinity is related to maleness and the male body specifically, and we know that because transmascs want to have male bodies". They allow for some nuance here in references to other literature, and I agree with that angle of their argument overall, but their premise is fundamentally flawed in the exclusion of trans theory and trans narratives.

Like, yes, masculinity is in some way related to appearance and the "male body", and there are a lot of reasons for that! But is the dysphoria of trans people really ironclad "proof" of what maleness and masculinity are? And why don't they spend any time talking about what dysphoria actually is, what trans people think it is, why trans people think they feel the way they do, or what trans academics have to say about any of this?

I have a lot of other issues with this paper as well, and I could probably write a paper just as long as theirs going into all of the reasons for that. But I think that answers your biggest question; what they're trying to prove, how they're trying to prove it, and why that comes across so weird.

To your other question ("is it condescending?"): I think this is kind of subjective overlay, but the way they go about analyzing their data is pretty condescending, in my opinion. They tend to frame their participants' responses as kind of misguided or ill-informed, particularly Diniz- who they definitely discuss as "trying to justify his choices" to identify as nonbinary while also seeking medical transition, like this is inherently contradictory and must therefore rely on some kind of delusion or desperation. It's weird!

I do also want to point out, briefly, that they also really cherrypick which claims they bother sourcing, and how they try to back them up.

They argue that trans men have male privilege based on the opinions of, like, three of their 30 total participants- and then carry this as "fact" through the entire paper, uncontested. That's extremely fucking weird and super suspect in a paper like this! I just wrote my own qualitative research paper based on interviews (which is what this is), and it's pretty standard to acknowledge the limitations of your research, and to position your results as non-definitive. Like, that's been a major part of every discussion with everyone I've talked to about my research. I would not have been greenlit to receive my degree if I hadn't been careful to avoid framing my research the way these people frame theirs.

The other weird thing they do is cherrypick statistics- or rather, one single statistic- to "prove" that transmascs do not suffer as much as other trans people, or possess some kind of privilege. They only cite murder statistics from one source; apparently that's the only relevant metric for quantifying all oppression? They also fail to acknowledge any possible shortcomings of this statistic, like the issues of under-reporting and misgendering of transmasc victims.

I could go on; I have a lot of gripes. But I think your criticism is totally valid, this was a weird and frustrating read.

Also curious if @genderkoolaid has thoughts- you tend to talk about gender studies from an academic position more, and you probably have a lot more field-specific expertise than I do. I'll boost other additions too, I love a good academic discussion!

[kidney9-9]

Heartbreak Girl - Peter Parker

Anonymous asked:  Hey could you write something with fuckboy!Peter being friends with the reader since high school, and one day he goes to the bar they use to go and she's there, sat alone, crying cause her boyfriend broke up with her to get back with his ex. So he sits with her, even joking about the fact that she has been crying cause he doesn't think it's something serious, but then he's all like: aww come here, wanna tell me what happened? And he comforts her, telling how amazing she is, and that she doesn't deserve someone that can't see how awesome she is AND she invites him over. So... the following day it's just the reader being all like ok so this never happened, and even tho Peter is like: yeah yeah definetly, he is falling hard for her 🥺

Hi sweetie! Hope you enjoy! Thank you for sending this in. I was listening to 5sos while writing this and the song “Heartbreak girl” popped up, and I had to tittle it after the song omg! Masterlist linked in bio, and tags in a reblog. A little note before you continue! All my writing includes that everyone is of age. Also I thought I should say that please research/plan and use protection for sex! My friend and I spoke about this earlier, and I just wanted to restate that it is very important to use protection! 

Peter Parker x Reader (Smut with Plot) Warnings: Mention of underage drinking, more drinking, mention of cheating in past relationship, smut, little angst with happy ending! And unprotected sex (please use protection)! Word Count: 4.3k

--

You scooted closer to the bar, sighing into your drink once again. You’ve been here for two hours, and already had a few beers, feeling like shit. A tear rolled down your face as you thought back again to Emmett. This morning he fucking sent you a text telling you to pack his shit up and put it outside because he was leaving you. When he got to your apartment, you thought you could work it out, see why he was acting like that. You thought it was just a joke at most, but it wasn’t. He was going back to his ex, Haley, even after all the shit he talked about her to you.

It was ridiculous, you didn’t understand it. You’ve been with him since freshmen year of college; you raised your eyebrows at the thought. It’s been four years and he did that. You really thought you’d marry the guy, or at least buy a house together in the future. You guys even talked about engagement rings for fuck’s sake. You tilted your head back, gulping down the last bit of your beer, before setting it down, and pushing it to the side.

The bartender glanced over to you, shaking his head before placing another beer on the table for you, and you rolled your eyes back to him, but you were thankful he didn’t speak up. You tapped your fingernails into the glass as another few tears rolled down your face, and you were glad you were a silent crier, even though it was upsetting.

You sighed, drinking the beer again and set it down with an unintentional slam. You flinched before shaking your head to yourself, glancing up towards the doorway. You’d probably have to call an uber home or something, unless you stopped drinking now and had a few cups of water. You bit your lip, wondering why you’d even come here instead of staying at home to drink, so you could save money. You focused again back to the entrance, eyes narrowing when you noticed a familiar face.

It was Peter Parker, you realized. And you instantly turned around in your seat, just hoping he didn’t see you cry now. Anyone you knew, seeing you cry, was a no-no. You didn’t like it when people saw the vulnerable side of you like that. It made you feel awkward and uncomfortable.

You thought you were in the clear as you sighed and turned back to the entrance again with your spinning barstool, but you were wrong. Your eyes widened when you saw he took a seat right next to you.

“Y/n, you’re making me feel like I’m invisible here!” Peter laughed, greeting you. He noticed you right away when he walked in, it was the bar the two of you would sneak into all the time during high school. And you were drinking the same beer as well, it was a shitty one, he didn’t understand why you’d ever like it but that was something he remembered well about you.

“Hey…” You responded, trailing off as you quickly wiped at your eyes, trying to make the tears go away. Peter frowned, realizing you were crying, and he reached out to pat your back slowly.

“Aw Y/n! Come here, give me a hug. Want to talk about what happened?” Peter whispered, leaning close to you in concern. It’s been weeks since the last time you saw him, he’d been too busy with his job at Stark Industries. You shook your head back to him while shrugging, feeling as if you should tell him now, because he wouldn’t let it go. He was stubborn, always wanting to help you even if you didn’t want it though you knew you needed it.

You didn’t give him a hug straight away, worried that you’d get makeup on him from your tears, instead you started to talk. “I, uh, Emmett broke up with me today.” You whispered, voice cracking on his name. Peter’s face hardened at your words.

“That asshole did what?” He spat out, shaking his head in anger. You rolled your eyes back to Peter, not in the mood to tell him the full story, because you were sure it would make you feel more upset, and there was a lot more to the story other than Emmett leaving for Haley.

Peter’s arm slid over your shoulders now, bringing you closer as he kissed the top of your head, “I’m sorry. You’re worth more than that shitbag piece of piss stained…” He stopped, seeing another tear drop. His other hand wiped your cheek softly, collecting the tear slowly.

“I know I am. Just wish I didn’t waste all that time on him now.” You responded, bringing out a small smile at Peter’s actions. Things had been on and off with Emmett at times, but you thought it would last, not him leaving for that girl.

“Let’s think about it this way, now you have the rest of your life, to spend with the people you feel happy with.” Peter murmured back, trying to comfort you more. You sniffled slightly, feeling sad but each time you saw him smile at you that way, you had a hiccup of hope building up.

“Yeah, like you.” You laughed back slowly, the laugh was faked, but it helped you a bit more. Peter smiled back to you, kissing your cheek again before looking to the bartender and ordering a glass of water for you.

He always was so sweet with you, and you appreciated him.

“I think you’re one of the best people I know out here.” He whispered to you. A blush had darkened over his cheeks when he noticed how close he was to you, but you didn’t seem to have much of a reaction, instead you invited him closer to you by setting your head on his shoulder. Peter smiled, wondering how a guy like Emmett ever had a chance with you.

Sure, Peter’s been with several over people before, but he’s always had a crush on you. He flirted openly with you so many times, but you never realized it either, which he found charming. He never pushed you though, into anything romantic. He would never do that type of shit, that was something only assholes did.

“Thanks Peter. Uh, he cheated on me, sort of. Told me he was going back to Haley instead. They’ve been talking for at least a year I think…” You admitted, just rambling out the problems before scrunching your face up together. You didn’t even want to talk about it, but it just flowed out.

Peter let out a surprised laugh, pulling away from you before shaking his head, “What? I thought you’d walk in on him or something… but that is shitty.” You groaned at him, nudging his shoulder and not liking his laugh.

“Would you do something like that?” You questioned him feeling a spike of anger rise. If anyone thought it was okay, you wouldn’t ever want to talk with them again. It just pissed you off and made it made you more upset that Peter laughed about it.

“What! I’m sorry. No, I wouldn’t do that. I laughed because Emmett is an ass like that.” Peter responded, eyes widening when he saw you scoff in return.

“Yeah right. You play with people’s feelings all the time. I’m not letting you forget about Olivia from the grocery store.” You retorted, glancing away from Peter. He sighed, his grin turning into a frown at the mention of Olivia. He made the mistake of going on a date with her, arguing throughout the whole night and then officially broke it up when he made out with her cousin at a party.

“That was… not the best on my part, but Y/n. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, I wanted to brighten this fucked up thing. I’m sorry. And uh, I’m sticking by my statement that Emmett is an ass.” He responded, gazing at you as you slowly took a sip of water, forgetting your beer now.

“Yeah, Emmett the ass.” You murmured into the glass of water. Peter nodded back to you, wiping your cheek again as he saw another tear fall.

“Every tear that falls, I will tell you how amazing you are. Promise.” He whispered to you, making you stifle a giggle. You shook your head back to him, after he flicked your arm playfully.

“Shut up Peter,” You chuckled as he took a deep breath, preparing for the compliment.

“Ladies and gentlemen and nonbinary folk here! This girl – right here, you see her?” He paused, gaining the attention of everyone in the bar. Your eyes widened and you quickly hid your face in your hands, getting embarrassed as Peter continued after a few people called back out their answers.

You gasped when you peeked out, seeing he climbed up onto the bar. “She’s fucking incredible! This beautiful, intelligent, perfect human right here. The first time I met her, I instantly thought, fuck, I want to be her best friend. You know, she’s got that type of smile you’ll always remember. And she’s so special, like it makes you wonder if you’ve ever met anyone like her. She’s just - amazing.” Peter stopped as you started to slap his legs, trying to get him to stop.

“She’s the girl I’d give the world to!” He yelled out and you finally yelped out, tugging his whole leg down. He collapsed on the bar, laughing loudly as other hooted for him and the bartender slapped his back with the towel. You tugged him off the bar carefully, laughing as you started finally feel full happiness this evening.

“Parker!” You yipped, shaking your head as you tried to calm your laughter down. He started to laugh along with you, dragging you off the chair to stand with him. You shook your head before pulling him for a hug, not caring about the makeup smear now, instead just needing to be close to him.

“You’re fucking insane.” You mumbled into his ear, still silently giggling.

He hummed back, hugging you even tighter, “Yeah, for you.”

A wild thought invaded you as you gazed up to Peter, almost opening your mind to the various possibilities of what might happen. The way the light shinned on his face, his smile growing each second, he hugged you, the way he’d always kiss your cheeks or your forehead, to the crazy shit he’d do for you. He’s always been this Peter, the Peter that’s always looked at for you, and stayed with you, and fuck – if you weren’t going to take a chance now… when would you?

In an instant, you leaned up, capturing his lips in a soft hesitant kiss. Peter didn’t respond for a few moments, before he gasped, and kissed you back, pulling you even closer to his body. His arm slipped down and grasped around your back tighter, and his other went to the back of your head as he kissed you more passionately.

It was crazy, you couldn’t stop, you wanted more of him now. Fingers crawled under his shirt as you cupped his face, opening your mouth and creating an even sloppier kiss. Moans and whimpers crawled out of each of you, noises muted around you and finally you pulled away, needing air.

“Come home with me?” You asked, breathing heavily against his ear, almost propping your leg over his. Peter shuddered, nodding back to you, and pulled your lips back to his for a shorter strong kiss.

“Yes, yeah.” He whispered back, letting go of you and pulling out his wallet. He tossed a few tens to the waiter and picked your purse up for you before grabbing onto your hand and tugging you out the exit. You laughed, stumbling after him to his car.

--

You gasped as he slammed you against your bedroom wall, biting down on your bottom lip and hands going everywhere. His hair tickled you as he peppered kisses down south after he tore your clothes off. You giggled when he leaned back up, kissing your ear causing it to tickle.

You pushed back on Peter, making him fall back onto your bed with a surprised laugh. You quickly followed him, unbuckling and pulling down his pants slightly before you leaned up and kissed him again. The kiss was sloppy, everything was so messy, and you loved it. You breathed against his neck as he changed positions with you and then he pulled away.

He stood up, rushing to get out of his boxers and completely taking off his pants. His shirt was already thrown off near your front door. You sorted yourself on the bed, moving up in a more comfortable area, not caring about how many pillows were behind you. You let out a laugh when he stumbled slightly and he grinned back to you, “Wait – I need to know if you want this, and it’s not just you being drunk.” The phrase made you pause and purse your lips together.

“Uh, well I do want this, I’ve thought about it very briefly – it’s just, do we really have to talk about this now?” You struggled, almost wanting to groan at yourself for what you said. It was true, but you knew that even if you weren’t drunk that someday, sometime, in the future, you would hook up with Peter. Like, it was bound to happen. No way would you be in your 70s one day, thinking about all your hook ups, and Peter wouldn’t be on that list. He’s the classic fuckboy, with a few feelings sometimes.

“Oh, come on, what’s that supposed to mean?” Peter almost moaned back, not in any type of sexual way, but you wished it were. Fuck, you really didn’t like deep conversation during any sexual encounter, but right now, you would definitely rather have a philosophical conversation with Peter instead of this one.

You couldn’t count this as a deep conversation at all. He is Peter Parker after all; you wouldn’t expect him to want to talk at this moment (out of every moment that could happen). “Are you going to answer me, Y/n? I mean… I don’t want to do this if you’re going to regret it.” He popped up again, and you raised your eyebrows at yourself, realizing you fell into silence for a while.

“Oh – wait, you think I’d regret it? Parker, there’s no way I’ll regret this. I mean, maybe if I forgot to do laundry yesterday cause then I’ll have to do more shit tomorrow, but other than that I’m fine. I’m not that drunk, I drank a ton of water earlier, still very coherent, and very much consent to this. Fuck man, the only thing I regret here is Emmett!” You rambled, going on and on till you knew it was a bit too much, watching Peter crack a little smile before it ended with a full-blown giggle.

“Okay, okay, no more Emmett for tonight then. He’s – ugh, what did you even see in him?” Peter continued on, making you roll your eyes. Now you knew it was turning into teasing and you nudged him a bit, shaking your head.

“Look at it this way then if you have to know. You’re everything Emmett is not.” You spoke, tilting your head to him slightly. Peter took a long gaze down to your lips before he looked back up, shifting a bit.

“Hmm, that’s an interesting opinion you’ve got there. I hope that means I’m a good guy.” Peter retorted, his voice dropping down to something similar to a whisper. You smiled slightly, nodding back as you leaned in closer to him once again.

He ended up falling back on the bed, next to you, slipping his hand on your cheek to pull you in for a messy kiss. The kiss ended up being so heated that you moaned out in surprise when he slid an arm on your backside, propping you up on his lap. You loved how he was handling you; it was so different from Emmett – you shook the thought from your head, not wanting to make anymore comparisons between them. But either way, the delicacy of the way he held his hands against you and poured out all his lust in these actions made you feel like jelly, almost sliding yourself more onto him. At the same time, the desperation of his kissing, the urge to feel more, it amazed you too.

How come you didn’t sleep with him before this? You found yourself asking this in your head a few times tonight.

“I’ve imagined this for ages but never thought it would ever happen, much less be like this. You’re so fucking beautiful.” Peter huffed out after slipping from your lips for a moment. You raised your eyebrows momentarily, but you didn’t pay much mind to what he was saying, it was all just from the heat of the moment. You doubt he actually did think of this when he was so busy with everything in his life.

“Mm, okay.” You hummed back blinking your eyes closed as your tongue took a sweet taste of the sweat built upon his neck. Peter felt himself intake a large breath as he laid down against the pillow, bringing you along with himself.

“I wanted to treat with you the most respect I can give, make this all fucking proper.” Peter continued, feeling his cock briefly contact your bare thighs. He groaned, bringing you even closer to him and you gasped when you felt your pussy pulsing even more.

“Peter, shut up and fuck me.” You finally deadpanned, staring at his eyes as you watched them widen in surprise for a moment. He didn’t say anymore, as he started to finally put all his focus on you, instead on what he should have done.

He gripped your back again, and you shivered as you started to position yourself on top of him. Peter helped you, by aligning his cock with your entrance, and instantly as you slowly went down, he swore under his breath.

Your eyes watered a bit from the girth, not adjusted to this new size, but you slowly pushed yourself more and the familiar feeling of pleasure quickly came back, heating you up even more. He sat up more to kiss you properly without straining his neck, and he slid his tongue out around your bottom lip. His hands both wound up on your head, and your back helping you start a rhythm.

“You’re so hot.” You whined as he started to take more control, pushing in and out of you as his kisses trailed sloppily down your chest. Your breasts felt quite left out of the equation but once he captured your left breast into his hand and sucked and bit into different regions, you felt even more alive.

The faster he went, the harder he pounded into you now, after he switched positions again. You were laying against the mess of pillows and blankets and he as leaning against your figure, focusing on making you feel good.

There was a moment he swore he almost came at, seeing you stare at him with your mouth wide open, crying out his name. That stare held so much he had yearned for, for so long, and now that he finally saw and felt you in this way, he didn’t want this to be only once. He had a feeling you didn’t want that either.

His hips were almost uncontrollable at this point, shuddering and jerking into you as he cried out your name. It was silenced quickly by your lips and you dug your fingers into his hair, pulling harshly and curling his hair up as your hips started to meet his thrusts more as he hit your g-spot so many times. 

Your moans grew louder, feeling him graze over your clit so many times with his fingers. He knew what he was doing, extending your impending orgasm, as that flame started to grow even more in you. It felt like you needed to burst, it was just so much pleasure, you had felt your eyes watering again and you had trouble properly kissing him without sounds leaving your mouth.

“Oh fuck!” You cried out, and Peter quickly responded to you, kissing you once more, harder than before, “I’m going to come.” His words made you spiral, only needing that to also fall into orgasm. And just as you reached it, your back leaned up into him even more. Your eyes almost rolled away as the feeling released around your body, almost feeling an incredible waterfall had hit you in a way you couldn’t describe.

Peter cried out a final time, pushing out of you as his cum shot out against your stomach. You could barely see what was happening, but your eyes fluttered closed shortly after you felt Peter collapse next to you. He pressed a warm kiss on the side of your head, making you hum quietly.

The two of you didn’t sway from the position for the rest of the night. Sleep came easier than you thought tonight.

--

As you drank your morning coffee, you were stuck in a state of shock. Last night was incredible beyond words, and you couldn’t even come to explain the exact feelings you had with and for Peter. And you also concluded that it would be best to pretend it didn’t happen. It was for the best for Peter and you! He might have had a fling or something that you didn’t know about, and you didn’t want to prevent him from getting into any relationships because he felt bad for you… and you needed to focus on getting rid of everything that reminded you of Emmett.

You glanced down to your mug with a grimace, realizing that Emmett gifted it to you for a birthday a few years ago. You couldn’t just waste the coffee, so you just chugged the rest, hoping Peter would get out of the shower soon. You realized you didn’t speak with him this morning, instead you had rushed out of the apartment when you saw the mailman try to slam a few of your packages into your little mailbox. You had the best view for this, and always had trouble with the mailman.

After getting back inside with your slightly damaged packages, you heard the shower running and here you were now. You wiped your forehead lightly with the back of your hand, huffing out a breath as you stared down at the mug for the last time. “Bye bitch.” You whispered, dropping the mug straight into the trash can in your kitchen, not caring how loud the glass shattered once it hit the bottom.

After a few more minutes, you heard the shower turn off. And almost after another five minutes, Peter walked out of the bathroom wearing his clothes from the day before, shaking his damp hair with his hands, hoping he didn’t look funny with his hair like that. You sent an awkward grin his way, “Hey there,” Your voice made you internally cringe. How long has it been since you had a one-night stand? Oh right, never! You didn’t know the etiquette to follow, but instead you knew you needed to get to the point.

Before Peter could say anything, you shook your head to yourself, “So! Uh, let’s agree that this never ever happened. And um, I appreciate that you were there for me – but like yeah, as friends! Cool, right?” You rambled nervously, not wanting to glance as he took a seat at the counter.

When he nodded and let out a laugh, you sighed in relief. “Yeah, yeah… You sure?” Peter asked, leaning into the counter, staring up at you. He felt so much bubblier today compared to the last few weeks and he knew his feelings for you would only triple now since last night. 

And seeing you act this way made him feel bittersweet.

He knew you needed to move on completely before you ever thought about having a relationship with someone, especially himself. He knew to give you space, but it hurt to part after such a special night with you that he’s been dreaming about for so long.

When you restated your previous words, Peter found himself smiling still, although a bit less. He slid his hand over yours, hoping you knew that he would always be there for you. He didn’t want to admit it to himself again, having thought he slightly gotten over you a few years ago, but he knew he was falling in love once more.

“Okay, I’m down for pretending. Call me when you need me… or like whenever, I don’t care. I mean I do care! I want to spend more time with you, I- okay, I’ll stop there. But call me or text me soon.” Peter stumbled over his words, as if he were actually admitting his feelings to you. Once he was done, he squeezed your hand one last time before letting go.

You scratched your cheek as you nodded back to him, “Yeah, I will. Thank you, Peter.” You responded, realizing this was goodbye for a bit. He picked up his things, waving once more to you before walking out of the apartment.

You scrunched your eyebrows together, not remembering he brought that bag last night. But you quickly pushed the thought off when you saw him walk away from the building, through your window. You were left with a feeling that you couldn’t explain again, this time you knew it was something you had to confront sooner or later with Peter.

[writingwithcolor]

so, I have a Jewish trans character that describes herself with clay-like metaphors, even using the nickname Golem before she left. the question is if this is apt; she does compare herself(her body, the color of her skin) to clay, albeit one incomplete save for breaths of life during study. I know this is a similar ask, but is Golem the right metaphor?

Jewish trans character compares herself to a Golem

I can't speak for all trans people, or even all Jewish trans folks, but... this feels weird to me. A golem is explicitly non-human, and in the lore is without a proper neshamah (soul). I kind of get where you might be coming from with this, but I'm not a soulless, clay, created-being, I'm a nonbinary, Jewish, human being. If anything I feel like I just get to keep my shabbat neshamah (the additional soul given over shabbat) all the time.

I suppose if you had a host of Jewish trans characters, and just this one had this conception of herself I would feel more comfortable. It may be different for binary trans people, but since the question is if it is apt... for me it is not.

-- Dierdra

An alternative comparison

Dierdra, I’m not trans so your view will be the one to go with but I have a thought about this…so Adam was the first human and was formed by G-d out of clay or something fairly similar (Adam actually being a play on the Hebrew word for ‘ground’). And Adam was also genderless until Chava was separated out and they became the first man and woman, right? Appreciating that genderless in the way that Adam was is not necessarily the same as non-binary and is definitely not the same as binary trans, but this still shows that there are more ways to identify than just cis man and cis woman. So, I’m wondering if that could potentially be a more successful metaphor for OP to use, as a way for the character to affirm that they were directly created by G-d and that there is a precedent in the Torah for the way they identify?

Also, you don’t mention sensitivity readers in your answer but I’m interested in whether you think this would be a piece that requires one? I guess I’m just wondering because Jewish and trans is not a combination you would have many examples to draw from in the media and it’s quite hard to nail either identity if you don’t know what you’re doing (I had a sensitivity reader for my trans character, she was awesome and pointed out things I could not have spotted even though I’d tried my best to do the research).  

-- Shoshi

More suggestions and cautions

I think a sensitivity reader makes sense here. Jewish representation is already very hit or miss, but trans representation is so often mishandled that, even with the best of intentions (which this seems to be), it would be easy to do harm. I absolutely vote for finding trans women, ideally Jewish, to read this work and see how it feels to them. I'm nonbinary, so I certainly can't speak for trans women. I do know that transmisogyny is violent, vicious, and insidious. We all need to prioritize protecting trans women, all the time, so treating this story with care is an absolute necessity.

As for the story of Adam and Chava being formed together, out of clay/earth, and the things that can be drawn from that (that there are more ways to be than cisgender, that people may change over time, that God was there for every moment of Adam and Chava's developing identity) I've always found it powerful, and in my reading, very inclusive. I think there's certainly things there that could be drawn on by the author.

I spent so long trying to work on a second take of this question, because I didn't feel done with it. My initial reaction was definitely "that's not me" but, truth be told, I also adore golems, and I see the value that could be had in a narrative like this. I think it could be done, but my earlier objections still apply. Golems are created by a human, and given imperfect life (not having a soul). That's the part I object to, but it's possible that the character could be looking at herself, perhaps forming her own body like clay (though not all trans binary or nonbinary folks transition in this way), and perhaps emotionally forming herself into a protector of other Jewish trans women. 

I don't want to come down too hard on the idea, because I think it has something to it, but I encourage caution, and attention to counteracting comparisons between a trans woman, coming into her own, and a non-human, unsouled being. I think it's a case where the author will need to be explicit about this character's humanity. Don't leave it up to subtext, or assume that it will be read, make sure that we know, in no uncertain terms, that she's got a banging neshamah, was at Sinai along with the rest of us, and that her nickname is about strength, and the plasticity of our physical forms, and not her worth as a woman.  

-- Dierdra    

[anissapierce]

Ok ive spent the last twelve hours switching off btwn sleeping n watching all the fire island interviews and ive come to many a conclusion.

:readmore:

So obviously it's not a one for one adaption of pride n prejudice but the main characters all map up onto each of the sisters. And it does feel off that Torian Miller was cast as the 'plain' sister Mary. Theres criticisms to be had about how this perpetutes already harmful patterns w how fat Black folks esp fat gay Black folks esp are presented. Torian is a friend of Joel from back in Chicago and they were both running in the theatre scene there and im glad he was cast because he did a fantastic job.

I like the fact that the film let's the viewers know that Max is desirable though, there was care put into knowing how each of these characters are being seen. Hes just a much more private character so all of his trysts are off screen. Like i do like how they didnt nail home too hard abt max being like mary, where she thought highly of her brains but rlly she wasnt very smart. Max has his moments but as a character the narrative have the instances where he is right on the money. And i wish we had gotten more of him after he broke his 'sobriety 'because that could've been a rlly rich scene.

But the subtext alone is more than i wouldve expected of him feeling like 'oh this is our last week here and i want them to pressure me like they used to partake with them is this bc they respect me? No it must be bc theyve given up on me as a friend. I have to show them i can be fun!'

Needlessly to say Max is my favorite character bc i love the neglected middle children in things .

Also i do appreciate the fact that they had both Luke and Keegan vying after Dex, leaving it up to interpretation at first who dex was actually going to go for? Like ok yes The characters names were Luke and Keegan so they werent hiding which character was supposed to map on which. But the film had already changed things by having Dex pursue Noah so it wouldn't be entirely out of the realm of possibility.

Its interesting to have Tomas (a nonbinary afrolatine actor who's far and above the youngest on the cast) as the Kitty. I think both in Part bc Joel wanted to give Matt a more juicy part n also bc he realized that this scene of a white man taking advantage of a Lydia/Luke who was a person of color might be too much.

Also i loved the moment where Will pulls out Dex's Instagram to try and plant a seed of doubt about Dex's morality n like hes scrolling down and hes one of those ppl tht posts naked w like #stopasianhate sign over his crotch? Like idk why that resonated so much but it did. Like if course Noah's phone being dead meant that he had to be shown Dex's Instagram instead of that being one of the first things he did after meeting him. N yeah sussing someone out by checking out their social media is par for the course.

[barbthebuilder]

Hello hello! I can't answer all of your questions but as ambassador of genderfluid community I can at least help some.

Some nonbinary people identify with the label trans and some don't. Genderfluid, nonbinary, agender, genderqueer etc. are all under the transgender umbrella. However, because being trans is mostly associated with transitioning, and traditional transgenderism, some people don't feel the connection with the term "trans". So, your character may or may not idenity with the label and both choices would be correct.

Genderfluid is a term that describes somebody whose gender shifts with time. Gender shifts can be from two or more genders and the amount of time you wait for your gender to shift can differ. For examlpe you could be nonbinary for a week, then a male for a day and then a demigirl for a month. It's different for everybody!

Not a amab so can't speak for puberty but for most trans folks puberty is HELL.

Pansexual is a good label! She could be bisexual as well. The difference between those two is simple: bisexual people feel attraction for every gender differently, pansexual people don't.

Not sure about the last one. But I am very glad you are trying to reach out to queer folks and get to know more about us! We highly appreciate good represenation which is why it's so important to talk to us. Thank you!

If someone wants to correct me or leave more suggestions please join the discussion!

Hi Tumblr Gaysite. I have a question. I'm a cis writer with a few LGBT+ characters and I have some questions about how to word certain things and develop them. Not just for potential marketing, but so I better understand how to write them. These questions may sound offensive or dumb but I come from a point of ignorance.

First, I have a nonbinary 13 year old (assigned male at birth). This is not a spoiler- due to plot circumstances, they reveal it to the MC soon after meeting him (when those circumstances are not in play, they are more secretive). They kind of fuck around with gender presentation. So maybe genderfluid is more accurate? As they've used they/them pronouns from conception, though, I'm sticking with nonbinary (or at least those pronouns).

Again, these are all cis idiot questions. I'm speaking from a position of minimal understanding.

I've seen on posts here that being nonbinary is a form of being transgender. Is that true? If it is, that means I have more resources for additional research.

What is being genderfluid? Not fully sure what that means, so I don't know if it really applies to them.

How would puberty effect them? They are somewhat shy about their body already. But I think the characters might take a few years to figure out the plot (with the MC already having a design for when he's a young adult). So they'll definitely start appearing more masculine.

Then not pertaining only to that character-

This part is a spoiler, so it can't be used as a marketing buzzword. And I'm not sure if it will happen. But the nonbinary character may start dating a cis female character. Is pansexual the right word to refer to her in that case?

Finally, are there any extra guides for writing trans/nb characters in general? There's a few more in another work. They might benefit from something like that.

Note I might turn off notifications for this post after getting a lot of responses and/or if shit hits the fan. I'll try to respond to as many as possible.

[fantasy-anatomy-analyst]

(Image description: three illustrations of drow in pairs to show their eusocial hierarchy. First is the leadership, consisting of Matriarchs and Chamberlains. The Matriarch here is shown to be pregnant, wearing a long dress and a spiderweb veil. The Chamberlain is wearing a spiderweb-themed top made of leather straps, as well as tight pants and a decorative loincloth. Second are the advisors, Avaune and Governesses. The Avaune here is an older drow using a cane and wearing a simple shirt and pants outfit, with a golden spiderweb hairpiece. The Governess is a young adult female drow wearing a silver spiderweb hairpiece, a long skirt, and a sort of poncho with clasps at the front and a spiderweb cape at the back. Third and final, the commoners, which consists of workers and wanderers. the worker drow is wearing a basic sweater and pants, the wanderer has a more colorful outfit with flamboyant sleeves and a long draped cloth at the waist. All the drow have purple skin, white hair, and a monkey-like tail. End description.)

My drow have a eusocial hierarchy, much like another mammal that lives underground: naked mole rats. The average drow is infertile, with the fertile males and females being the Matriarchs and Chamberlains, and most of the colony being their children, aside from the Avaune. The previous post was about drow evolution, and I also have a drow masterpost.

Under the cut I've written lengthy descriptions of each role listed above. If you enjoy my work, please consider supporting me on Patreon!

The leadership of a drow colony are the parents of the colony. The Matriarchs are the literal mothers of the colony, giving birth to all the babies. A Matriarch holds the highest rank in the social hierarchy, and is regarded as a spiritual guiding figure. She connects the colony to the mother goddess, usually depicted as a spider. Matriarchs must earn their place by going through a series of trials before they are allowed to go through the medical process of hormone alteration that will allow them to bear children. These trials are based on old drow legends, such as the stores about how their people migrated underground, lead by their mothers to safety, where a giant ethereal spider taught them to spin light into thread. Most Matriarchs are cisgender women, though there have been some exceptions. In order to become a Matriarch, a drow must meet a series of requirements, undergo the trials, and then receive medical treatment to alter their hormones. Like naked mole rats, afab drow all have suppressed hormones, which can change naturally to make them fertile. The medical treatment is just more reliable than waiting for the natural shift. As the Matriarch is expected to birth many children, and many of them are born as twins, they just tend to be cisgender women. There are medical operations for trans folks of any species to completely swap their reproductive systems, but the complicated nature of drow hormones make it difficult for a trans drow woman to actually become pregnant without other health issues. A Matriarch might give birth once a year, at most. It takes a very long time for a new Matriarch to establish a full colony.

The Chamberlains are the fathers of the colony. They are fertile males from outside colonies, trained from puberty in the ways of social politics and management. While all drow females are capable of going through a hormone shift to become fertile, male drow are almost all infertile and cannot change this. Only a few random males will become fertile during puberty. They are carefully identified and go through special education so they can become effective leaders. A fertile male drow is recognizable first by his behavior, as his instincts drive him to want to leave his home colony. Physically, the genitals of a male drow are also distinctly more developed than the average infertile drow. It is much more common for Chamberlains to be trans or nonbinary, as compared to Matriarchs, since they seem to be fertile completely at random and no one has yet discovered a way to intentionally cause fertility in amab drow. After they finish their training, these drow are sent to the Matriarchs of other colonies as a way to establish allegiances. A Chamberlain must prove his worth to his new matriarch and her colony by earning their trust. If he does a bad enough job, he will be kicked out by the colony. Colonies typically have 3-5 Chamberlains per Matriarch, and it is considered poor manners to try and figure out which Chamberlain is one's father, since they don't want to cause disruption through favoritism.

Some fertile male drow refuse this role entirely and become wanderers instead.

The Avaune, which is a gender neutral title for "aunt" and "uncle", are older drow who assist a new Matriarch in building her colony. They come over with her from her home colony, as they are her siblings. Usually they are older than a new Matriarch and volunteer to help her. With their advice and assistance, Matriarchs and Chamberlains are more effective leaders and new colonies are more easily established. Young drow often go to them for advice as well.

The Governesses are training to be Matriarchs. They are partway through their hormonal shift, having already met the requirements and gone through the trials. Their breasts develop first, allowing them to assist the Matriarch with newborns who need nursing. Although they are the Matriarch's daughters and study under her to gain the experience they will need to start their own colonies, they are also expected to help the Matriarch solve problems and advise her on certain issues. This helps them gain the necessary critical thinking skills they will need to be leaders of their future colonies.

The average infertile drow is called a worker. They fill a number of positions according to their own skills and desires, though of course there are many required jobs as well. Scouts, tunnelers, and cartographers explore the caves and make sure they are safe to travel, locating and recording natural resources and dangers. Weavers make cloth and textiles from the special moonlight threads the spinners craft. Food, shelter, and heat are all provided by various workers within the colony. They are all siblings, and they must work together to maintain the general health and safety of their entire colony. The population of a single colony with just one Matriarch is usually quite small, perhaps 50-80 workers old enough to be helpful. It is common for two or three colonies of varying ages to share a cavern, keeping themselves organized by wearing a specific woven pattern or crest to denote their personal colony.

Wanderers, the nomadic fertile male drow who choose not to become Chamberlains, are at the bottom of the hierarchy. They will often rename themselves when they leave their home colony, perhaps naming themselves after things they find after leaving the caves, like a bird or flower. Wanderers travel all over the place, interacting with the world. Anyone who has partial drow ancestry can most likely trace their origins to the wanderers. Occasionally, a wanderer will find another drow colony and pop in for a visit to the Matriarch there. If she is not currently pregnant, a Matriarch may decide to mate with the wanderer, which will provide her colony with a little more genetic variation. When she is done with him, the Chamberlains chase him out. It has become a bit of a ritual, over time. There are much theatrics around the arrival and ousting of a wanderer. They take the role of outcasts and scoundrels, though everyone knows they're actually quite important in preventing the general population from hitting genetic bottlenecks.

[iamnotawomanimagod]

If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power - A Reluctant Ranking of Every Track

Disclaimer: This entire album is incredible, truly no skips, and I also think it’s an album that is hard to separate into individual tracks, because it all goes so well together. But I still wanted to try! This is just my personal opinion, and it’s subject to change. (Also I surprised myself. And I bet I’ll change my mind by tonight.)

Please feel free to do your own and tag me in it!! I wanna see!!

13. Girl is a Gun

It’s not that I dislike this song, it’s just a sound that I didn’t expect on this album. I think it would’ve fit in better on Manic. I don’t love how it kind of just repeats over and over again, especially on an album so full of complex, intricate lyrics. But it’s a really upbeat, sexy song and I bet it’s going to be so fun live.

Favorite lyric: 

Time is a blessin', to me, it's a lesson And I can't be stressin' to give you attention 'Cause, oh, it's never enough, so I'm givin' you up And you'll be better with a nice girl, darlin'

12. Lilith

Similar to “Girl is a Gun,” I simply wasn’t expecting this kind of sound on this album - could’ve seen it on Hopeless Fountain Kingdom though! The bass is amazing and I love the rhythm.

Favorite lyric:

You know I get too caught up in a moment I can't call it love if I show it I just fuck things up, if you noticed Have you noticed? Tell me have you noticed?

11. Darling

This song is so sweet and charming, especially if you compare it to “More,” which I think it acts as a sort of sequel to. Something about the melody hits me just a little wrong. When they start singing, I can’t help but hear the verses of “Hopeless.” That might’ve been intentional, but I can’t get past it to hear this song as its own thing.

Favorite lyric:

Never knew the feeling of a stable home Been a couple years of living on the road Couldn't really tell you where they'd leave a stone To visit me when I am dead and gone

10. The Tradition

I love the haunting piano and vocals. It feels like a song that was written for the film specifically. (Was it even in the film, lol?) I really love the sound of it, but the lyrics don’t do very much for me.

Favorite lyric:

And I hope what's left will last all summer long And they said that, "Boys were boys", but they were wrong

9. The Lighthouse

This song reminds me the most of a Nine Inch Nails song - fitting that Trent Reznor provides backing vocals on the final verse. I love the grimy guitars, and and discordant beat, and the way it builds up. The melody is cool and liquid. The final verse really feels like waves crashing. It’s a well-written song that really shows off Halsey’s alternative side.

Favorite lyric:

Well, that should teach a man to mess with me He was never seen again And I'm still wandering the beach And I'm glad I met the devil 'Cause he showed me I was weak And a little piece of him is in a little piece of me

8.  Ya’aburnee

This song makes me really emotional. It makes me think of all the people I love the most and it makes me want to cherish my time with them even more. That’s an incredible feeling for an artist to create. It’s such a bittersweet song. I wanna cry but it also makes me smile.

Favorite lyric:

But what's worse? Telling you my feelings or to die without revealing That you crawled inside my head and set a fire there, instead Letting all my insecurity Devour me with certainty

7. honey

If you’ve ever felt this way for someone, this song stings in the best way possible. I love the rhythm and the drums and the guitars - this is peak pop punk and Halsey fits right in. I love the honey imagery, especially that she included some imagery about bees and the way honey clings.

Favorite lyric:

And now she's impatient and I'm complacent With just a little taste of wasting time Looking for honey But she stings like she means it She's mean and she's mine

6. 1121

Now this is the sound I expected from this album. Cinematic, dark, dramatic. The piano is so haunting and so beautiful. It evokes so much imagery through sound alone, even with the lyrics being relatively simple. And their voice is so incredible. The song overall reminds me a lot of Evanescence, which is high praise. And I really appreciate the “self-loathing in love” theme, I can relate to it a lot. I’ve already been singing the chorus at the top of my lungs whenever I play this song.

Favorite lyric:

Take one in the temple My tongue is a vessel I try to be careful with The thing inside my chest You shoot for the memory So you can forget me I'd leave if you let me, oh

5. Bells in Santa Fe

Ever since we heard a snippet of this song in the first film trailer, I’ve been desperate to hear the rest of it. It didn’t disappoint. I love her lower register vocals, the tinkling piano and the frantic rhythm. And I relate too much to the message of the song - loving someone so much but refusing to accept that they want forever with you, insisting that they’re better off without you, warning them that you could slip away at any moment. It hits me where I live.

Favorite lyric:

Jesus needed a three day weekend To sort out all his bullshit, figure out the treason I've been searching for a fortified defense Four to five reasons But, Jesus, you've got better lips than Judas I could keep your bed warm, otherwise I'm useless I don't really mean it, 'cause who the fuck would choose this?

4. I am not a woman, I’m a god

This song fucks. Claiming their power to create life - recognizing that as godly and divine, while also insisting this is not a power that makes them a woman. I can’t wait for it to become a smash hit and for people to be singing about a nonbinary/trans experience without even knowing it. I honestly have trouble even articulating why this song is so awesome, it just is. I’m pumped every time I hear it.

Favorite lyric:

Oh, I just wanna feel something, tell me where to go 'Cause everybody knows something I don't wanna know So I'll stay right here cause I'm better all alone Yeah, I'm better all alone

3. You asked for this

I really like the 90s alternative sound of this one, it reminds me of Alanis Morrissette and certain No Doubt songs. I think it’s a very realistic depiction of how settling down in life can be very bittersweet, and the things that we ask for are sometimes not what they seem to be. But we also come to realize that settling is a part of growing up. Still, Halsey sings about wanting everything, knowing there are contradictions in that. The chorus is fun and easy to sing to, and the final verse is so amazing.

Favorite lyric:

I want a beautiful boy's despondent laughter I want to ruin all my plans I want a fist around my throat I want to cry so hard I choke I want everything I asked for

2. Whispers

This one hits hard, but god, it’s so good. The way they whisper certain phrases. The simple piano under the first verse, the way it becomes more complex, the way the beat comes in. You want to dance and cry at the same time. The lyrics - I know so many of us can relate to them. The themes of self-sabotage and self-loathing are so strong in this album, which definitely hits me right in the chest.

Favorite lyric:

I've got a monster inside me That eats personality types She is constantly changing her mind on the daily Think that she hates me I'm feeling it lately Might have to trick her and treat her To 70 capsules or fly to a castle So at least we could say that we died being traveled

1. Easier than Lying

I’ve had this one on repeat since the album came out, and that surprised me at first, but god, this song is addictive. The crunchy guitar at the beginning, the driving rhythm, the way her voice contrasts with that. The scream-singing on the chorus. It’s the kind of song you want to drive way too fast to. The bridge!! Aaah! It’s just so badass and listening to it now gets me too hyped!! Also the way it can kind of be seen as a sequel to “Lie,” - the growth of going “if you don’t love me no more, then lie” to “losing you is easier than lying to myself” is so meaningful and so empowering.

My heart is massive but it's empty A permanent part of me, that innocent artery Is gasping for some real attention Some undivided hypertension I tell it "quiet down, you're being loud" But it beats harder every time you come around But do you love the sound?

I’m gonna tag some mutuals, just to share, and also to see if anyone else wants to do this! Also you don’t need to go as in-depth as I did if that’s intimidating or too much, I’m just wordy.

@demonzplay @easiersthanlying @ttpane @yoursalwaysleo @anarkyandmadness @feelingsiwontforget @tolerateit @tommyhardyx @elysiems @imacreepygirl @finallybeautifulstranger @inthenameofloveforthesakeofpower and I know I’m forgetting some folks, I’m sorry! Please feel free to steal this and also tag me in yours!

[himboarcher]

reasons i've seen folks say that grad critics hate grad:

they hate travis (in fairness, i’ve def seen some comments of people shitting on trav for the sake of shitting on trav, but it’s not super common and typically gets downvoted into oblivion on reddit.)

it's not balance / travis isn't griffin (???????)

they hate neurodivergent people (again, in fairness, i have seen a handful of comments that could come across this way! but most of the time when travis being ADHD or his NPD is brought up, it's by defenders saying that criticizing travis is ableist because he's neurodivergent or, in one particular comment, infantilizing him bc of it and literally comparing grad to putting a kid's artwork on the fridge. there were some comments early on that pointed to him being a narcissist as the reason for things people disliked about grad, but everyone seems to have realized that that's a shitty train of thought and left it behind.)

they're just toxic haters (again, there are a small handful of people like this because this is the internet, but the genuine criticism greatly outweighs their bullshit. i 100% think that the people, which is mostly just one dude who is also insufferable on reddit, who have been responding rudely to positive tweets under the episode announcements lately are out of line and need to stop. there's been an influx of that lately, presumably because people are frustrated that after over a year of grad going on, there's been no improvement to most of the major issues. that's still no excuse to be a dick to folks, though.)

vs some of the actual reasons i don't like grad:

the racism / racist tropes, and the way that they’ve straight up ignored this criticism and will likely never acknowledge it. pretty wild considering a core tenet of their brand is their willingness to acknowledge when they’ve messed up and do their best to course correct.

clumsy attempts at inclusion that are shallow and often end up being fairly offensive ("...ask me about my wheelchair," anyone?)

on a related note: i don't think that travis had bad intentions, but as an nonbinary person, it feels othering to me that travis only has enby characters give others their pronouns unprompted. i'm thinking specifically of kai here. having listened to their introduction, i don't think it's as bad or awkward as some people have said, but i can't remember travis ever having another NPC tell the PCs their pronouns, especially not a cis character. it's not a huge deal, but it's something that rubbed me the wrong way. admittedly, i don't think it would bother me so much if travis hadn't dropped the ball so much with performative inclusion in the past.

okay i'm putting the rest under a read more because even without getting into all of the problems i have with it, this got Long.

little to no player agency. player choices are ultimately meaningless and have little to no effect on the world. even when he seems to go along with a plan they come up with, it always ends with them having to go back to travis' pre-written script (see: subpoenaing the xorn, but not really because they had to go with travis' original plan of "send the xorn home through the rift".) the players repeatedly get told things about what they think or feel or what they've been doing to an unnecessary degree. fitzroy is the only one who really gets space to play and decide things for himself, and that's only because travis has decided he's the main character.

the NPCs are all too nice and willing to give the PCs anything they ask for and more, unless the PCs are trying to follow their own plan and then the NPCs are completely useless. but honestly, aside from gray, all of the NPCs are just.... nice. travis refuses to even let his antagonists be mean or cruel or even more than just slightly rude, because that'd be a bummer and we don't want that! the "twist" of gordy the lich king actually being polite and chill is not a twist at all because everyone is like that in this world. the NPCs are also wildly overpowered, but then suddenly absolutely useless when the PCs actually want their help.

too many cliffhangers that are dropped immediately at the beginning of the next episode. i feel bad for travis because so many of these cliffhangers actually set up good momentum and seemed like things were gonna get interesting, but almost every single time he just dropped them at the beginning of the next episode. like when althea showed up to interview the boys and the next episode started with travis being like "actually you went to sleep, she said she'll be back tomorrow!"

that time travis specifically said in his exposition dump that the thundermen left their horses behind because they thought the centaurs might be offended by them riding horses, only to later on rag on them for being surprised that the centaurs had horses they could ride.....

also the centaur arc in general, but i already listed racism above, so.

the way that the toxic positivity and parasocial tendencies in the mcelroy fandoms have made a large portion of the fandom take ANY criticism as a personal attack on travis and/or on themselves for enjoying something others consider bad, either morally or just quality-wise. it’s okay to admit that something you like has problematic elements or just isn’t as good as it once was. you can and should engage critically with the media you consume.

related to above: the way travis has handled genuine criticism, which is to throw public tantrums on his twitter or make weird passive aggressive tweets & ultimately ignore all the genuine criticism and advice he's been offered by claiming it's all subjective, even after he specifically asked for it and set up an email for folks to send in genuine, objective advice for him (after he threw a tantrum on twitter and replied to someone's criticism publicly, which resulted in his followers dogpiling on that person bc how dare they insult their internet best friend). while i was writing this last night, he actually announced that he’s taking a break from Twitter and acknowledged that he’s been using it as an echo chamber where he can easily get validation from folks, and honestly i’m happy for him that he’s recognized this problem and is stepping away for a while! i hope he’ll genuinely use this time to reflect on how he’s been behaving and find a more healthy way to use social media. i’m leaving this point in because i think his Twitter being such a positive echo chamber was encouraging him to do stuff like this, and him somewhat acknowledging his behavior doesn’t mean it can no longer be discussed.

rainer. extremely cool concept in theory and i was very into it until that awkward "does anyone want to ask about my wheelchair?" moment. also when travis had her use her mobility aid to RAM INTO A DOOR instead of just fucking knocking???? also all the times travis has tried to force a romantic relationship between her and fitzroy, despite fitzroy displaying no interest in her in that way. also, just to clarify: as an ace person, i don’t think this is aphobic! (and it’s kind of a stretch to call it that imo, especially since griffin never explicitly said that fitzroy's aromantic!) i just think it’s weird and awkward and a little uncomfortable for me personally, mostly because it reminds me of the times i’ve been in similar situations.

less of a problem than a lot of the other stuff and more just bad writing, but the forced emotional moments. in general, nothing in grad feels earned (why are the boys heading a war? when they have multiple actual heroes with combat experience on their side and a supposedly powerful secret organization? and the thundermen are like 21 years old max and have only had like ~10 fights in the entire campaign?) but there've been a couple times where travis has tried to force unearned emotional moments, presumably because he knows people enjoyed those with the last campaigns. but the difference is that in balance, the big emotional moments happened because they were earned. in grad, it's just travis throwing a baby pegasus at us for a few minutes and then the next time she shows up, it's supposed to be a tearful goodbye.

there are absolutely no stakes. remember when the thundermen got told that if they left, gray would kill 10 students? and then they left and came back and it turns out that what gray actually meant was, "i'll tie ten students who are mostly nameless NPCs to a tree and throw some dogs at them that you can easily stop in time, then throw a tantrum because how dare you but i'll leave before you can really do anything to hurt me lol" travis did have fitzroy's magic get taken away, but like. it didn't really do anything? also all he had to get it back was be coerced into using drugs by an authority figure and trip in the woods?

we're told that the school is weird and the hero system is corrupt, but the world of nua is still presented as more of a liberal utopia than anything? althea getting fired because of a corrupt villain is the only time we've somewhat seen corruption, but even then, she was still allowed to get (what seems to me, anyway, but admittedly i don't know for sure bc nothing about the HOG makes much sense) a fairly important job from the very people who stripped her of her hero license or whatever the fuck heroes need?

travis doesn't actually seem to understand how capitalism or bureaucracy works and just chalks up everything to "red tape." also more on the rest of the boys than him specifically, but the "let's destroy capitalism!" thing turning into just pushing some filing cabinets over................... okay.

and one last piece of extremely subjective criticism: it's just kind of.... boring. i think a lot of people, myself included, would be willing to overlook 90% of the problems with graduation if it didn't feel like such a slog to get through.

also people saying that we can't or shouldn't criticize graduation because it's "free" is absolutely absurd for several reasons. first, something being free does not make it above criticism. second, there ARE people who directly financially support the show with monthly donations. three, there's a difference between something being free and something being not for profit. podcasting is their full time job. they make their living off of money made from TAZ and MBMBAM (and probably their other shows to a lesser extent). this not a fun home game that they are graciously recording and sharing with us. it is a product they are producing that they make money off of, both from ads in the episodes and merch & books based off of these podcasts. they have marketed themselves as professionals, and both griffin and travis have been on panels where they are marketed as professional DMs and appear alongside other professional DMs (which makes it incredibly frustrating when people say that travis is just a newbie DM and we can't criticize him because of that. if he's a newbie, then he should not be taking part of panels as a professional DM where he speaks as an expert). TAZ is free in the same way that an episode of NCIS is free. i may not pay for it directly, but the creators are paid to create it and profit off of me consuming this product. so saying we should be grateful for any mcelnoise that the benevolent good boys share with us and that we're not allowed to criticize it "because it's free" is absolutely wild.

[91percentpynch]

jean moreau x pride months

happy pride month kids, here‘s some wholesome jerejean content for your soul!! does this make any sense? no. is it a mess? yes. hope you enjoy this!!

the first pride month

it‘s the beginning of june and jeremy starts acting weird

he smiles more, the real smile normally reserved for winning an exy game or when he‘s alone with jean

he started drawing flags on his face or on his eye lids, jeremy never wore make-up, not more than his usual eyeliner and nail polish

„what does that mean?“, jean asks, pointing at the flags on his cheeks.

„the pink, yellow, blue one means i‘m pan. you know, i like more than one gender, i told you that already. and the grey, purple, white and black one that looks like an arrow? that means i‘m demisexual, you know how i only feel sexual attraction to people i have a bond with? that‘s demisexual. those are pride flags, it‘s pride month. didn‘t you know that?“

of course jean didn‘t know, after all he was locked up in a bassement for 10 years and he didn‘t exactly talk the first time he came over here last year at the end of june.

„what‘s pride month?“, jean asked softly, knowing that jeremy would never judge him, never think he was stupid.

„it‘s a month for lgbtqa+ folks. that stands for lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgender, questioning, asexuals, aromantics and everything inbetween. we celebrate ourselves this month, show how proud we are of ourselves and our community. we celebrate marsh johnson, the black transgender, gay sex worker who started the riots, stonewell, and basically threw a brick at a police officer and started the fight for gay rights“

„how do you know you‘re not straight?“, jean asked quietly. thinking about the way his mind keeps wandering back to jeremy, keeps wandering back to the thought of kissing him, holding his hand, the feeling of his soft, badly dyed ginger hair between his fingers.

„well i always payed more attention to the personality, than the gender. i never really cared what‘s between the legs. and it took me quite a while to figure out that i only feel sexual attraction to people when i have a connection to them“

„have you ever kissed a guy?“, jean asked, curiously now. in the nest it was forbidden, but kevin wanted to try it once, in the dark of the night, the saftey of their room. jean couldn‘t tell if he enjoyed it or not, he never really felt any kind of attraction really. only bone deep fear. burning anger. and whatever the fuck his heart was doing when kevin held him close.

„yeah, i had a boyfriend throughout highschool, sophmore year until the end of summer of our senior year. and then freshman year of college i had this girlfriend who was really controlling and yeah. that‘s it. have you?“, his voice was soft, it reminded jean of the sunlight forming some kind of halo behind jeremy.

„kevin wanted to try it once. riko caught us. that‘s how it began“, jean replied, a shadow crossing over both his and jeremy‘s face. in a moment of weakness, at the beginning, jean told jeremy what they did to him in the nest, after jeremy accidentally touched him from behind.

„do you want to try it again?“, jeremy asked, a small smile on his lips. „with me, that is“, he added, barely audible.

„okay“, jean replied, leaning in.

jean was a couple inches taller than jeremy, and jeremy had to stand on his tiptoes to close the last few inches between them.

it was a soft kiss, a different than the stolen ones from kevin. better. these tasted like sunlight, like warmth, like home.

jean kissed jeremy back. carefully, softly, being scared he would break him, destroy him with his darkness.

„how was it?“, jeremy smiled at him after they were done, exchanging kisses, not stealing them. they were equals, no one would hurt him for wanting this

„i think i‘m only attracted to you“, jean admitted quietly. „but like not sexually. i don‘t like sex. never did. i never thought anyone was sexually attractive, i never wanted this and i still don‘t. i‘m sorry“

„you don‘t have to apologize, jean. that‘s being called asexual, the lack of sexual attraciton that is. and the not wanting sex part? sex repulsed. very valid. i will never be like them, i will never force you to do anyhting you‘re not comfortable with“

„and what if you miss having sex and want it and i can‘t give it to you?“, jean asked, tears burning behind his eyes. „i‘m not worth of your light, your warmth, your love as it is. i‘m broken, i‘m dark, i‘m everything you don‘t deserve. you deserve someone who is fixed and happy and can give you the entire world and go places without a panic attack and and and“

„ssh, jean. it‘s alright. it‘s alright. i want you. no one but you. i really, really like you and i am glad you like me to. you‘re not broken, you‘re not dark. you are wonderful. and no one is fixed, we‘re all a little broken in our own ways. i struggled with an eating disorder. i have adhd. sometimes i feel a little sad without any reason and can‘t get out of bed. sometimes i can‘t sleep and other days i could sleep for days. i don‘t need the entire world, i just need you“

it was this june, about a year after jean arrived in california, that he not only found a person who saw more in him than his scars, but a person who loved him not despite of them but for them

the second pride month

it‘s been a year since jean and jeremy kissed for the first time. a year full of highs and lows, fights and making up, miscommunication and cuddles, sweet kisses and ones tasting of tears. but it was also the year jean figured out that he might not be a boy after all.

„do you ever feel like you‘re not a entirely a boy?“, jean asked softly, threading his fingers through jeremy‘s soft blonde hair.

„dude, i‘m genderfluid, remember? alvarez bursted in our room and threw these in our face so people could refer to me with the right pronouns“

„that‘s why you changed your middle name to sol isn‘t it? because you like the sun and you like your hispanic heritage and it‘s a female name?“

„exactamente mi corazón“

„what are you today?“, jean asked softly, as he did every day.

„they/them, i don‘t feel like a guy or a girl today. just vibing“

„i- i think i‘m not entirely a boy either. like i know i was born as a boy and i‘m okay with that. but i feel like there‘s more to that. i can‘t put it in words but i think i want to try to go by he/ they. what do you call those people who don‘t quite find in the binary? i think i‘m that“

„that‘s nonbinary darling. i‘m proud of you. you‘re doing great“

jean didn‘t know how to repeat to that so he just decided to pull jeremy closer to him.

this pride month jean found a little part of himself, another puzzle piece to the mystery that his own person and it felt like a tiny little step towards a future he never dreamt he would have.

it was also the month he started wearing nail polish, because he loved the look on jeremy‘s face when they did them. occasionally he will wear some eyeliner.

the third pride month

another year passed, this year jean got himself a support dog. to help with the anxiety attacks. to help him heal.

it‘s a dalmatiner, called luna. she was trained to feel when he is uncomfortable and come closer to him, licking his hands, being close, being there

it is also the month he wanted to join jeremy for pride

„what are you today?“

„a girl i think. jeremy or sol are both fine“

„will you draw the flags on my face?“, he asked on the day of the parade.

„are you sure you want to go honey?“, sol asked softy, while she went to the bathroom to get her things.

„would i have asked if it wasn‘t moi amour?“, jean replied. „wait hold on, don‘t answer that“, he laughed looking at jeremy‘s face.

„but i‘m sure. first of all it makes you happy. second of all you missed it the last two years. third of all it will piss kevin off and i love that almost as much as i love. and lastly i have luna, she makes sure i‘m fine and i can always leave when i feel uncomfortable“

„okay, babe. what do you want me to do?“

„i want my flags on my face and maybe you can do my nails“, jean replied, smiling at jeremy as he did ever so often. „cover the tatoo, will you?“, he asked softly, touching the cursed three, counting the days for his cover up appointment in july.

„it‘s soon gone honey. it‘s gonna be alright“, jeremy whispered, feeling the tension in jean‘s shoulders.

„which color do you want your nails? mine are pastel rainbow look! alvarez got me those for my birthday last month! do you want matching nails?“

„whatever you want darling, you can choose“

„neat!“

this year jeremy‘s hair were a soft pink. it was 2 am when he bursted into the room whisper shouting „jean i‘m gay i must do something drastic to my hair. help me?“ and who was jean to question his beautiful date mate.

so jeremy took jean‘s face carefully in his hands, starting to draw jean‘s pride flags (demiromantic, asexual, nonbinary) on his face, hiding his tattoo underneath the black/ white/grey/ purple stripes of the asexual pride flag.

„they have no power over you anymore mi corazón. and if anyone gives you shit i will come for them“, jeremy whisperes against jean‘s lips before softly kissing them. „and now give me your beautiful hands so i can do your nails. i‘m feeling a pastel rainbow“

for the parade jean is wearing one of the shirts jeremy got him. it‘s yellow with a rainbow on it. „so you have a little brightness in your life“, he would tell him when he go it for him. it was before they started dating. it was before jean was able to tell him „but you are the brightest thing in the world and somehow you chose me as your person“, paired with light blue ripped jeans and his yellow fans. they started wearing yellow when they came to california, cutting off black completely, replacing it with colors and brightness.

jeremy on the other hand wore rainbow dungarees with a white shirt and white doc martens. his hair was up in two space buns, little pride flags put into them.

„do you think they get the hint?“, she smiled with a blinding smile.

„you‘re so unbelieveably beautiful sol“, jean replied.

they got luna and went to the parade.

it was scary, yes. but it was also beautiful.

people approaching them, asking for selfies, talking to him.

at first he was a bit anxious, but sol took their hand and luna licked his feet and it was alright. no one was hurting him. no one would punish him. he was surrounded by pride and love and happiness.

at some point he asked a girl with rainbow hair, she reminded him of renee, if she could take a picture of him and jeremy. she said yes, took one of them smiling, one of them kissing, and one of them where jeremy just smiled at his person.

it was the pride month he came out via social media. it was the pride month kevin called at two am, telling him how happy he was for them. that he himself found a boy, fell for him, but is too much a coward to do something about it. it‘s the year where he gets a lot of love, many fans telling him how proud they are of him and at least the same amount of hate. but it was alright. they had jeremy and that was all that truly mattered.

now

year after year they returned to the pride parade, with flags on their faces, or around their shoulders

sometimes neil and andrew or aaron and kevin would join them, sometimes they would go with laila and alvarez and sometimes jean and jeremy would go on their own

after college jean quit exy, jeremy went pro and gave his money to moriyamas, while jean opened his own tattoo studio, wrote songs, wrote crappy poetry and slightly better novels, tried himself as a part time model and fashion designer

they found happiness and home in each other and celebrated their love not only in pride but also every single day of the year

jean and jeremy got more dogs, an apartment of their own with big windows so they could watch the sunrise and sunset together

they have their ups and downs, like every other couple, but that doesn‘t matter. never did. what truly matters is that they keep finding back to each other. that they keep ending up in the same bed, in each others arms.

jean moreau never believed in love, never believed in soulmates and yet he found their soulmate, found the love of his life. and they are happy they stayed, kept fighting, to find this. to make a difference to the world. to be finally free. to be alive, living instead of only existing.

„jean?“, jermey says, fidgeting with his fingers.

„what is it moi soleil?“, jean relies getting lost in these ocean blue eyes.

„do you remember what happened five years ago?“, jeremy asks, his eyes looking anywhere but jean.

„we kissed for the first time?“, jean answers, panic slowly crawling through his veins.

„exactly so i thought we could celebrate this at the beach. you know, where our first date was?“, jeremy says nervously.

„honey are you alrighgt?“, jean is getting more and more worried, jeremy has never been that nervous.

„sure, come on mi corazón“

so jean slowly gets up and carefully puts on his shoes. something is weird here, something is wrong

jeremy seems off the entire ride to the beach they had their first date at.

when they arrive jean takes jeremy‘s hand, noticing that they are shaking ever so slightly. it is something like a nervous tick of them.

jean and jeremy arrive at the beach in time to watch the sun setting, making place for her lover the moon.

jean looks over to jeremy, when they suddenly get up and start pacing.

„jer, you‘re scaring me. please tell me what‘s going on up there“, jean says touching his head lightly.

„okay. i can do this“, jeremy mumbles as he gets down on his knee. „jean moreau, you are the love of my life. the light of my existence. ever since i saw you for the first time i knew i liked you, more than i was supposed to. i never dared to hope you would ever like me, or love me for that matter, but somehow you did. somehow you didn‘t turn away when i told you i‘m demi or pan or genderfluid. you stayed. you supported me. you love me. and i want to spend the rest of my life with you, so do me the favour and in the name of god, should they exist, do me the favour and marry me“

jean feels tears running his cheeks. „of course i will marry you, you loser“, he laughs, as he pulls jeremy down to him and connects their lips together. and it feels like their first kiss. it always does. and they would do that for the rest of their lives.

[aparticularbandit]

J, L, Y?

Fandom-Related Questions

J: Name a fandom you didn’t care/think about until you saw it all over tumblr.

Uh.  Just one?  I think the primary clear non-biased by other influences fandom would be Gentleman Jack.  It was all over my dash and I didn’t even think Sophie was pretty BECAUSE I WAS DUMB I HAVE LEARNED THE ERROR OF MY WAYS but like...lesbians? that kind of overrode the Bandit is not a fan of historical period shows and I gave it a shot.  And fell in love.  Because it’s Gentleman Jack.  And I want to buy it.  And it was exactly what people said it was.  But yes.  That one.(Hannibal gets complicated by the rp community I was part of at the time - which is arguably still on Tumblr - and then JTV gets complicated by a tumblr friend telling me I should see it back when she was writing Petra...and then I didn’t until there was a bunch of Roisa stuff all over my dash.  So those both still count but there’s a lot of bits and pieces to them as opposed to Gentleman Jack which was purely hey, historical lesbians all over my dash, I should look into this.)

L: Your favorite fanartist/author gives you one request, what do you ask for?

Hm.  Depends on fanartist vs. fanauthor.

If it’s fanartist, I’d ask for something from Luisa and the Fox.  I’d ask for fox!Rose with Luisa.  Because that’s adorable and cute and adorable and I love them?  Maybe that first kiss scene - Luisa with her hands in the fox’s fur and pressing a kiss to her forehead and the fox pressing her cold nose at that spot where Luisa’s jaw meets her neck - or the scene with baby!Luisa trying to catch the fox’s tail and the fox playing with her and them cuddling up together because that is probably the most adorable scene I’ve written and it still just gets me choked up because how cute sorry baby!Luisa and the fox is adorable and it’s one of the few things that stays adorable to me.  But?  Generally speaking, fanart of Luisa and the Fox would probably be my request.Fanauthor requests are harder because most of the ideas I have are ones I...would probably write myself, unless I thought it was outside of my personal writing strengths or I thought the other person would write it better (and even then, not necessarily, because my writing it would be a growth opportunity, so...yeah).  So then it’s like...which of my ideas would I want to abandon?...Moulin Rouge! Roisa.  Just because I did so much Moulin Rouge! like stuff with Jess and dealing with that general subject material that as much as I would like to maybe read something like that (Rose is Satine and Luisa is Christian, if you want to go the easy route, OR YOU CAN GO THE HARD ROUTE and have Luisa as Satine and Rose as Christian, which I think might be ooc unless you use Clara base for Christian, in which case it does kind of work - and in hard route, Emilio actually works better as Zigler and Rafael can be the Narcoleptic and Jane the asshole who tells ...why can’t I remember his name that Luisa is totally in love with Rose and said asshole can be...Allison is probably a better fit here than Juicy is but if you want to go for super creepy you could make it Elena and make it less about wanting Luisa and more about wanting the Moulin Rouge, which should really be the Marbella in this situation, etc. GO THE HARD ROUTE).--or someone take my mess of a fic of how many timelines is it for Puella Magi Madoka Magica and show point-by-point what Homura tries and how each of those little things have different effects on what happens in each timeline but also how they don’t really work - and actually, come to think of it, this one might be better split among a lot of writers, one for each timeline - that should really be a colab project.--or the Noir-Timeless fusion fic, but I actually want to write that one.So probably the Moulin Rouge! Roisa fic.

Bite the bullet and kill Luisa off.

Y: A fandom you’re in but have no ships from.

Define fandom you’re in.

The only fandom I feel like I’m actually active in is JTV at the moment, although I’ve been in other fandoms.  I think maybe the closest you’ll get from this is Hannibal - and while I plan to use Marlana in Falling and while I have written other ships in the rpc (and there’s that Roisa as Hannigram fusion fic I’ve been brainstorming off and on), when it comes to canon?  I don’t really actively ship ... well, okay, wait, there’s Jack and Bella.  Dangit.

Uh.

Hm.

HM.

This is hard.

I’m not really in a lot of fandoms.  Frozen had Elsanna (but not canon because ew incest no, but give me an au setting where they aren’t related and have at), OUAT is OUAT, Hannibal is covered above, WFRR is a REALLY BIG DEAL TO ME DON’T JUDGE ME (Bandit why do you keep putting Jess in stuff BECAUSE I LOVE HER OKAY), The X-Files is so ripe for shipping it’s not even funny, maybe Timeless?  I don’t like Lyatt because I don’t like Wyatt (I don’t dislike him; I just dislike love triangles) but then you have Riya and, UH.  Gentleman Jack definitely has shipping.  Noir has that...huge love triangle fic I wrote and haven’t posted that wasn’t about the love triangle but ugh.This is ending up being a lot of fandoms where I have ships instead of a fandom where I don’t.

Uh.

The Haunting of Hill House?  Maybe?  I don’t actively ship -- well, I crossover ship Theo with Susanna but only in the context of that one fic.Um.OH.  HARRY POTTER.  THOSE SHIPS EXIST BUT I DON’T ACTIVELY SHIP THEM AND DON’T ACTUALLY ACTIVELY REALLY CARE ABOUT THEM.  I may defend Severus Snape and his love of Lily Evans but I like it how it is in canon and idk if I’d say I ship it.  I don’t ship Lily with James, but while I can ship it from Snape’s side, I don’t have enough of a full story there to get me actively involved in--Ugh.  Maybe I ship that, too.

I don’t know.  This is hard.  It’s hard to say that there are fandoms where I don’t ship anything because my pool of actual active fandoms is small and I have a tendency to go with canon ships or ...what is the word not actively ship, like I do with Roisa and TNT and Kyomami but still kind of yeah, okay, I can see this and it works okay and just side ship it without actively shipping it, so it’s hard to find something that I don’t have any of that side shipping with because in most cases, there’s something that I just yeah, okay and go along with even though I’m not actively pursuing content or actually caring much about it.I don’t consider myself a shipper, but it’s hard to find a fandom where I don’t at least in some small part ship something, even if I don’t care much about the shipping aspect of things.

[nothorses]

Hey I just want to get in front of a couple of recent Wild Accusations, once again!

(And for those asking, yes, these are things people are Actually Saying. I predominately speak to stuff visibilityofcolor and witches-ofcolor post because the two of them speak about me the most frequently, draw the most harassment to me, and have been for about 8 months now. I only started speaking about either of them after 5 months of sustained harassment without any acknowledgement- let alone engagement- from me, during all of which I had the two of them blocked and had never mentioned them, nor the drama they were accusing me of being on the "wrong side" of. I don't know why these people won't leave me alone. I can't do anything about it. I've tried everything.)

Here we go!

1. I am not responsible for what every single other transmasc person says. I do not try to be. I am not friends with every transmasc person I interact with on this website. I do not know what every other transmasc person is doing and saying at all times.

This may come as a shock to some of you, but there are actually a few different transmascs out there with differing personalities and ideas! We don't even all know each other! Wild, I know, but it's true.

This time it's about some comments a user made about black people not being as likely to have twins; I have actually spoken to this user privately about it (i.e. I do not think those comment were okay), but ultimately all I can do when it comes to internet strangers saying shitty things is, y'know, not do the same shit & not support that shit. I hope they listen, learn, and grow about it. I hope other folks learn from it, too.

2. They're now claiming that it's a "sexual assault accusation" to request that transmascs not be identified by our ability to get pregnant. If you see that claim going around, that's uh. That's the context. "Transmascs do not share a Deep Intrinsic Exclusive Understanding with All AFABs due to shared biology" is not sexual harassment, it is a refutation of extremely common, even fundamental TERF rhetoric.

To be clear here, to my knowledge the individual talking about this has not accused anyone of "wanting him to get pregnant"- the issue here is bio-essentialism (and triggering dysphoria). That's all it is.

3. I have done my best at every turn to correctly gender everyone involved here, and to respect gender identities. If I have made a mistake in this, it's very likely because I genuinely don't have the most current information. Please let me know if and where I have made a mistake so I can apologize and correct it.

(Sidenote here, but the folks claiming I'm transphobic for *checks notes* pointing out that "AFAB nonbinary woman" is perhaps not best phrased as "trans woman"- something the person in question agrees was a mistake- are the same people who are open and proud bi lesbian exclusionists. So. Idk. Draw your own conclusions.)

4. Can we please for like one minute review and reflect upon the fact that the people making these claims are the same people openly threatening physical violence and murder on transgender strangers they do not like

hope this helps

[iclaimedtobethebetterbard]

stars in the sk(eyes)

Fandom: Sanders Sides Characters: Logan, Virgil, Roman, Remus, Janus, Patton Rating: Teen & up Relationships: Analogical, background Intrualiceit Warnings: Language, food, like 1 line that’s maybe suggestive but also said half-jokingly Word count: 5592

Read on AO3!

My writing masterpost

Starlight Universe masterpost

analogical week 2021 start - previous - here - next - masterpost

Summary: Logan has always loved stars. Virgil has always loved music. Maybe they can put those together with a little help from some friends.

Notes: Day 2 of Analogical Week 2021! @analogicalweek Takes place in my Starlight Universe, does not need context to read.  Patton, Janus, and Remus are all nonbinary folks who use he/they pronouns and masculine terms in this universe (but in the flashback scene, Janus is only using they/them); Roman, Logan, and Virgil are all men who use he/him. (I know absolutely nothing about music or concerts or anything, so please don't roast me too hard for any inaccuracies, lol.)

They were only opening the concert; the real attraction was a band from out of town with a midsize following, making a stop on their tour. Not that Virgil was complaining to have landed this gig. It would be the biggest performance his band—the band he, Janus, and the twins had formed a few years ago—had given, by a lot. And that was exciting. Sure, Virgil had absolutely spent hours stressing over how big it was, but he knew how to manage his anxiety, especially when it came to performances, and the anxiety didn’t stop the excitement.

“You’re going to do wonderfully,” Logan had told him earlier that day as he’d been getting dressed, passing his fingerless leather gloves and then holding his jacket for him to slide into. He’d spoken it with a simple, unassuming confidence, as if it were a given fact. It had been more comforting than Virgil thought Logan knew.

With the memory of his husband’s words carefully nestled against his heart, and the jacket Logan had helped him paint rainbow stripes on sitting on his shoulders, Virgil found it easier to let go of the anxiety. Some lingering tension remained as he paced backstage, running through lyrics in his head and triple checking that everyone knew the schedule, but it wasn’t as bad as usual. Most of it, if he was being honest with himself, wasn’t even about the performance—it was about the surprise the band had put together, the surprise Virgil had had to bite his tongue a couple of times to keep himself from thoughtlessly mentioning it to Logan, even though the surprise had been almost entirely his own idea and the others were just helping. But he’d successfully kept the secret, and now Logan was out in the audience, and Virgil was backstage, and there would be no more chances to spoil it.

But Logan was out in the audience, and Virgil was backstage, and the final round of jitters was setting in. And when Logan wasn’t there, Virgil’s jitters took the form of pestering the hell out of everyone in the room, to make sure everything was perfect.

He checked all the instruments, giving Janus’s keyboard a once-over without touching because he knew better by this point. Remus’s drumset was already on the stage—he was drumming with his fingers on the end of the fallout table in the corner—so there was nothing to do about that. Roman was actively tuning his guitar, so Virgil left that alone too and instead checked his bass, just in case it had gotten out of tune in the last thirty seconds.

All of the instruments were fine, great, even, and Remus and Roman were undeniably being productive; Janus, who’d been on their phone in the corner, had stepped out for just a moment, probably to get a drink of water or something.

Things were in order. Which was good. Great, even. But it gave Virgil nothing to do with his restless energy.

“Are we ready?” he asked, jiggling his leg and tracing the pattern of his fishnet tights through one of the large rips in his jeans.

Roman looked up. “Yes,” he said shortly. Roman’s nerves tended to take the form of a very short temper, which didn’t mix well with Virgil’s perfectionism.

“Yeah,” Remus agreed, running a hand through his dark green curls and straightening his denim jacket.

“We all know the order things go in?” Virgil followed up after a minute of tense silence.

“Mmhm,” Remus said easily. Remus, and Remus alone, somehow always managed to remain at ease and unbothered no matter what. Virgil didn’t know how they did it.

Virgil took stock of everyone’s outfits. He himself was wearing fishnet leggings that went all the way up past his waist. Over them he had ripped black skinny jean, and a black crop top splattered with white paint. On top of that, he wore his black denim jacket, which matched the ones the other three were wearing. Virgil’s had the rainbow pride flag painted on the front, all down the lapel area; the rest of the jacket was covered in patches. He checked his makeup, examining the black eyeshadow and lipstick in his phone’s camera; it looked fine. Perfect, even.

Roman was the neatest of the group, made to stand out as the lead singer. He wore the same high-heeled doc martens as the other three, but in white where theirs were all black. He had a tight white longsleeve shirt made of a shimmery material and a matching pair of white pants, and the black jacket contrasting nicely against it all. Roman’s jacket had the aromantic pride flag where Virgil had the rainbow, and the rest of his jacket was painted with red roses all at the ends of long, intricate, thorny stems. His eyeliner was sharp enough to cut, and his curly hair was piled up atop a black headband wrapped around his forehead like a crown.

Janus still wasn’t back, but he’d been on the neater end too, to counter Virgil and especially Remus’s scruffiness. Their outfit was sleek and all black save for a thin white belt around their waist. A black hat with a broad round brim framed their face like a dark halo. His jacket had nonbinary and pan stripes on the front, and thin white squiggly lines running up and down like warped pinstripes everywhere else. (Virgil knew where on the jacket one line ended in a tiny snake head, and where one trailed off into a tail, but you wouldn’t notice unless you knew to look.) They were wearing black lipstick to match Virgil, and winged eyeliner to match Roman, and contour that emphasized the sharpness of his cheekbones; definitely the heaviest makeup of the group.

Remus, sitting in the corner and making noises to themself, was a sharp contrast to his boyfriend Janus’s sleek elegance. His black jeans, splattered with white paint to match Virgil’s crop top, were ripped almost to shreds, open nearly entirely from mid-thigh down to his ankles, with only a few clinging strands of fabric keeping them anywhere in the realm of being pants. The tee they wore—black again, with his own name painted on it in large white letters—was also ripped full of holes, these ones much more deliberate; he’d slashed it carefully with an exacto knife, kneeling on the ground and focusing with their tongue stuck out slightly, until it was exactly how he wanted it and you could catch glimpses of their top surgery scars when they moved. His makeup consisted of dramatic green and black eyeshadow, and his jacket had the trans and polyamorous flags on it—he and Janus, who had nearly identical collections of pride flags between them, had split two and two which color schemes they wanted to use. The rest of Remus’s jacket consisted of a few jagged holes and some incredibly detailed paintings of green tentacles.

The instruments were fine. The costumes were fine. The makeup was fine. What else did that leave for Virgil to fret over as the final minutes ticked away?

“How about the blocking?” Virgil said. “We can go over it again if anyone—”

“I promise we know, Virge,” Roman snapped.

“Come on, kiddo, you know he’s just trying to help!” piped up Patton, Janus and Remus’s other boyfriend, who was suddenly somehow present and sitting in Janus’s lap, his pastel outfit completely out of place amidst the varying edgy styles everyone else in the room was sporting.

“How did you get back here?” Roman and Virgil demanded in unison. Virgil hadn’t even noticed Janus was back, let alone that he’d brought Patton, who was supposed to be in the audience with Logan until the performance was over.

“Oops,” Janus said, not sounding even a tiny bit remorseful as they played with Patton’s dark curls.

“Did you leave Logan alone?” Virgil demanded of Patton, hands on his hips.

“Only for a minute! He’s getting snacks, anyway,” Patton said, wrapping his arms around Janus’s neck. “We both know where our seats are, he’ll be fine.”

“You already have a partner backstage, stop being greedy,” Roman scolded Janus. “Patton, you know we need to focus right now, can you please not distract my horny bandmates until after the show?”

“You sound like Virgil, with all that worrywarting,” Remus commented, snickering.

“Take that back this instant!” Roman demanded as Virgil gave Remus double birds.

Remus only guffawed, looking incredibly amused.

“Seriously, though, uh, Patton, with all the love in my heart: get out,” Virgil said.

Patton wrinkled his nose, but pressed a warm smack of a kiss to Janus’s cheek and hopped to his feet.

“Do I get a kiss?” Remus asked, reaching his arms out hopefully.

“Makeup—” Roman began warningly.

“I haven’t got any on my mouth!” Remus said triumphantly. “Suck it, Jan.”

Janus smiled wryly, fingers rising to but not quite touching their black lipstick that Patton had avoided so carefully. “The prices I pay for beauty.”

Patton giggled, crossing to Remus, clasping both his hands, and leaning down to kiss him sweetly.

“Great, you’re very very cute together but now is not the time, Patton get out and stop distracting your boyfriends,” Roman said, shooing Patton towards the door.

Remus raised an eyebrow. “High strung much?”

“Not all of us possess your—your stupid coolheadedness powers, Remus!” Roman snapped.

Patton paused in the doorway and pointed at Roman, getting out his dad voice. “Hey. Be nice.” The finger moved to Virgil. “Be nice.” His eyes flicked to Remus, then Janus, and his voice shifted to a different tone, half flirty and half joking. “You two be good boys.”

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god, I said to stop being horny!” Roman shrieked, chasing a giggling Patton out of the room and down the hall. He returned moments later, Patton-less and fixing at his hair to make sure it wasn’t too messy. “We had better not have any more alloromantic bullshit from any of you until after the show is over!” he announced. “Okay?” He didn’t sound quite as annoyed as before.

“Homophobia,” Remus accused teasingly.

But instead of snapping back, Roman giggled. “Oh, shut up.”

The twins began joking back and forth, Janus making the occasional amused interjection.  Evidently Patton’s intrusion into the room, although technically unhelpful, had done wonders to break the tension, and Virgil reminded himself to thank Patton later.

Virgil’s phone buzzed with a text from Logan.

Logan: Patton found me, don’t worry. Logan: How are you doing?

Virgil: hahahahahaaaa i don’t wanna think abt it

Logan began typing, then the little bubble went away; a second later, the phone began to ring, Logan’s caller ID plain to see.

“Hi, babe,” Virgil greeted.

“Hello, dear. Would you like to walk me through your plan for the performance, to reassure yourself?”

Virgil let out a small sigh of relief. “Yes, please.”

“I am listening,” Logan assured him.

Virgil took a deep breath and launched into a detailed itinerary, knowing that Logan didn’t mind if he got a little too technical in his terminology because Logan was listening for Virgil’s sake.

“And then that’s about it,” Virgil wound down, carefully leaving off the final item from his explanation. It wouldn’t do to spoil the surprise now. “Oh, looks like we’re getting ready now, gotta go.”

“I love you,” Logan said quickly. “You’re going to do a wonderful job.”

Virgil let out a short laugh. “Thanks, L. Love you too.” He hung up, set his phone down on the table, and picked up his bass.

“You ready?” Roman asked, nudging Virgil with his elbow, as the group finally headed towards the stage.

Virgil sucked in a long breath. “Yeah. I think so. Are you?”

“Oh, you know it!” Roman grinned, a spring in his step. He paused after a second and glanced back to Virgil. “Sorry for being so wound up earlier.”

“It happens.” Virgil shrugged. “Right back at you.”

Roman nodded and put a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. “Hey. He’s going to love it. Just wait and see.”

Virgil looked away, half smiling. “I sure hope so.”

“He will, I know it!” Roman insisted as they climbed the steps onto the stage and emerged into what could practically have been the eye of a hurricane, for all the noise and light that surrounded the stage.

The sky above was fully dark; bright lights everywhere in the area contrasted against it. There was a decent crowd. The venue seemed almost full, as a matter of fact. The observation added a thrill of adrenaline to compliment the goosebumps from the chilly breeze across Virgil’s bare midriff.

Roman stepped forward and spread his arms wide right as the spotlights came up. “Hey, folks, thank you for being with us here tonight!” he said, his smile gleaming in the bright lights and his voice booming in the speakers. “We have some great hits lined up for you tonight! Let’s get it started, huh?”

Virgil waited a few seconds for the cheer of the crowd to peak. Janus began the melody on the keyboard; Virgil came in with his bass at exactly the same second Roman began to sing, and Remus picked up the beat on the drums on cue.

Virgil was quickly able to get lost in the music, all his focus on playing and providing backup vocals, leaving him with no more brain space for his anxiety. This was his favorite thing about music: its ability to keep him in the moment.

They played three songs. Two covers that always went over really well, and one song that the twins had written together about family that always left Roman just a little teary. Normally that would be their closing song.

But tonight was a little bit different.

Roman took a step back, nodding at Virgil; the pair of them traded places onstage, putting Virgil front and center.

“So,” Virgil said, the mic on his cheek picking up his words, “we were thinking we’d let you all be the first to hear our new song. Uh, I wrote this one. And normally Roman does our singing, because—well, you’ve heard his voice. But this song is kind of special. I wrote it for my husband. So. We thought I’d perform it tonight.”

As Janus began playing the melody, Virgil searched the front row of the crowd, squinting against the lights, until he found Logan, sitting next to Patton and gazing up at Virgil with shining eyes. “Lo, I love you so much, babe. More than every star you’ve ever shown me.” He took a deep breath and began to sing.

***

10 years earlier

Unknown Number: Hello. This is Janus. Logan’s roommate

Virgil: how’d u get this number?

Janus: I broke into Logan’s phone after you started dating and saved you to my contacts just in case

[read 3:43pm}

[3:46pm]

Virgil: i Virgil: wtf dude

Janus: Your boyfriend has been moping in his room all day, can you please come fix it? Janus: Roman is starting to mope too for no good reason, but he’s doing it in the living room and at this point it is starting to affect my quality of life

Virgil: yk i literally could not care less abt that part u asshole <3 Virgil: i’ll be over in 15 Virgil: is he ok?

Janus: He won’t talk to me, I don’t know what happened

Virgil: i’ll be over in 10

It was normally a 12-minute walk from the dorm Virgil was an RA in to Logan’s apartment just off campus, but Virgil could walk fast when he was anxious or alone, and in this case he was both. Even taking the time to grab a jacket, he still made it to the building in nine minutes flat.

Janus let Virgil into the apartment almost the second he knocked, relief plain to see on their face.

“You see?” Janus said over their shoulder in a scolding tone. “I had to resort to outside measures to deal with your bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit,” Roman whined from where he was slumped on the couch, scrolling aimlessly through Netflix on the TV.

“Oh? And what’s this?” Janus demanded, hands on their hips. They dramatically pushed the button to open the microwave door, revealing a limp burrito wrapped in a damp paper towel.

“Lunch,” Roman mumbled defensively.

“You hate microwave food, and it’s four in the afternoon!” Janus snapped.

“I am in a creative slump, Jan! Have some sympathy!”

“No! Get your whiny ass off the couch and stop ruining my afternoon!”

Virgil took a deep breath and pointedly walked in between the pair of them down the hall towards Logan’s room. Roman and Janus’s still-bickering voices faded into the background.

“Hey.” Virgil knocked on the door, which had a piece of printer paper taped to it with Logan’s name written on it in blue sharpie and a couple of stars, both scribbles and stickers, scattered around it. He waited, and when there was no reply, he added, “Are you okay, Lo?”

“I’m fine,” Logan said, in a voice that had obviously been crying.

“Can I come in?” Virgil asked.

“Okay.”

Virgil pushed open the door and stepped into the dim room, closing it behind him. The blinds were closed, and Logan was curled up under a mound of blankets.

“Hey, baby,” Virgil murmured, kicking off his shoes and climbing to sit on the bed beside Logan and stroke his hair. “What’s wrong?”

Logan made a muffled noise of misery into the mattress.

“What?” Virgil said after a moment.

Logan rolled over. “Teacher didn’t like my essay.”

Virgil chewed on the inside of his lip for a moment. “Okay, I promise I’m not making fun of you, but you do know that that is possibly the most stereotypically you thing you have ever said to me, right?”

Logan let out a little huff that was not quite a laugh. “I guess.” He was silent for a moment as Virgil continued to stroke his hair. “And I know it’s stupid. I still got a B+ and my overall grade in the class is fine and I know I’m a good writer and everything. But it sucks. I was really proud of it.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Virgil said, choosing to ignore the squirm in his gut that always happened when grades came up. It was so easy to compare or to worry about others comparing and then to worry about others getting upset over comparisons and—he dragged himself back to the present, forcibly setting the issue aside. “You’re allowed to feel upset,” he told Logan. “About anything that upsets you. Even if you wouldn’t choose it.”

Logan didn’t respond, but after a minute his hand snaked out from under the covers and grasped Virgil’s.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” Virgil asked, struck with the idea.

“Huh?”

“A walk. Get out of your head for a little bit and hang out. We can talk if you want, or just be together.”

Roman’s voice grew particularly loud outside, and Virgil picked out a teary, petulant, “I hate you!”

“Plus it’ll get you away from that energy,” he added wryly.

Logan drew in a breath and sat up. “Alright. Let’s do it.” He pulled out a denim jacket while Virgil put his shoes back on and retied the laces. They made their way out of the apartment, hand in hand.

Roman was on his feet now, releasing an angry tirade at Janus, hands clenched into fists and sounding on the verge of crying, the TV remote cast on the floor beside him. Janus was sitting on the kitchen counter with arms crossed and an intimidating glare on their face.

“Hey!” Virgil snapped, and Roman cut off abruptly. “Eat some food,” Virgil told him on a hunch. Sure, Roman could be a little immature at times, but this was on a whole different level, and a lack of food seemed like the simplest culprit.

Virgil looked over at Janus, to make it clear that they weren’t off the hook either. “We’re going out. You two better make up before we get back. Clear?”

“You can’t tell us what to do—” Roman began stubbornly.

“Janus literally called me in to fix all your problems, so yeah. I can. Also open your windows, it’s gloomy as fuck in here.” Virgil opened the door and held it for Logan, tossing one last glare over his shoulder at Roman, who looked dumbstruck, and Janus, who avoided eye contact.

Logan was quiet as the two of them walked down the stairs and exited the apartment building, hands in his pockets (one still clasping Virgil’s) and eyes on the toes of his slip-on shoes.

“Wanna talk?” Virgil asked.

Logan tilted his head to the side for a moment, his thinking face slipping over his features, and then shook his head.

Virgil nodded. “Okay.” He fished in his pocket for his earbuds and plugged them in. “Let me know if that changes, okay?” He received a small nod and turned on his go-to playlist—a 12-and-a-half-hour-long composition of all his favorite emo songs that he could loop without having to put any thought in.

The two of them wandered through the streets, hand in hand, music blaring in Virgil’s ears and Logan’s fingers soft and warm against his. They made their way towards downtown; their university was in a small city, and it was pretty walkable.

As they walked, weaving around and across different blocks, occasionally stopping to peek into particularly interesting shop windows, the tension in Logan’s shoulders slowly began to relax and his gaze migrated from the toes of his shoes upwards to take in the surrounding scenery. Virgil felt himself relaxing in turn. The subdued, almost sullen look on Logan’s face was beginning to shift back to his typical bright-eyed curiosity, which meant that while maybe not all was right with the world, a whole lot was right with the world.

As the sky began to darken, Logan’s pace quickened with sudden purpose—but he didn’t lead Virgil in the direction of the apartment. Instead, he headed in almost the exact opposite direction. Virgil was lost for a moment as to where they were going, until the park in the center of downtown came into view. Ah. That explained it. He was kind of glad; he didn’t feel ready for the quiet time they were spending together to be over.

A scent caught his attention as they entered the park, and he tugged gently at Logan’s arm, nodding towards the mediterranean food truck. A small smile answered him, and a nod, and the pair of them made their way over. They both ordered gyros—Virgil chicken, and Logan, who was trying out vegetarian food, falafel.

Fifteen minutes later, seated side by side on a park bench and finishing the last of their sandwiches, Logan cleared his throat. “Thank you.”

Virgil bumped his shoulder against his boyfriend’s. “Of course, babe.”

“I am feeling… better,” Logan said cautiously, as if he were testing out the words in his mouth to see if they felt true.

Virgil nodded. “Better is good.”

Logan nodded, eyes moving to the sky, which was now almost fully dark except for a streak of orange sunset leftover on the horizon. The stars were out, at least the brightest ones that could be seen even past the floodlights placed every so often across the park.

“You like space, and shit, right?” Virgil said, scooting closer to Logan and dragging his arm to wrap around Virgil as he rested his head on Logan’s shoulder. It was a bit of a rhetorical question, since he knew Logan had an astronomy minor and was the vice president of the astronomy club and had gone on no less than three eager rambles about space in the last month alone, but one could always do with a conversation opener.

Logan blinked and looked down at him. “I do.” You know this, his tone said, a little puzzled at the question.

“What star is that?” Virgil pointed at a particularly bright one, although he wasn’t paying nearly as much attention to the star as he was to Logan’s face.

Sure enough, Logan brightened, his eyes more interesting than any star. “Oh! That’s not a star at all—it’s actually Mercury!”

“Really?” Virgil asked, grinning and scooting closer.

Logan wrapped his arm a little more tightly around Virgil’s shoulders with an answering smile. “Yes, and it’s actually very fascinating…” And just like that, he was off, words spilling out of his mouth at a breakneck pace, gesturing eagerly with his free hand to emphasize his points.

Virgil listened, doing his best to follow along and asking a few questions whenever Logan started to wind down, but mostly just happy to watch his boyfriend’s lips as he excitedly infodumped, and his eyes, too, alight with delight, the frustration of the disappointing grade all but forgotten as he held Virgil and told him stories about the night sky.

It was nearly ten at night by the time they made their way back to Logan’s apartment, chatting back and forth in quiet voices and giggling. Logan broke off as he opened the door and got a look inside; he glanced over his shoulder at Virgil and put a finger to his lips.

Virgil hushed and followed him in, then saw what the need for quiet was: Janus and Roman were asleep on the sofa, Roman sprawled on his stomach on top of Janus with his limbs everywhere and his face buried in Janus’s chest, Janus with their arms wrapped around him and a throw pillow propping their head up and a worn copy of Crime and Punishment flopped over from where it had clearly been propped up on Roman’s back.

“Precious,” Virgil commented softly as Logan picked up the book, tucked a bookmark off the coffee table into it, and set it down with the tender care he seemed to reserve exclusively for books and Virgil.

Logan smiled. “They are, rather.” He looked down at his roommates. “Sometimes I wonder why I picked the two most dramatic people I know to live with.”

“Sometimes like this afternoon?” Virgil said with a chuckle.

Logan snorted. “Maybe. But then they do things like this, and I remember why I like them.”

Virgil noticed something on the tiny kitchen table. “Or this?” He pointed.

Logan came over to examine what Virgil had found. “Oh,” he breathed, a smile spreading across his face.

A plate of cookies sat on the table, together with a hastily handmade card.

“Sorry :( ❤️” it read in large, expressive cursive, and beneath it in smaller, neater handwriting, “I actually didn’t do anything wrong, but these are for you and I did the dishes, also you’re welcome for the date night.”

Logan laughed quietly, taking a cookie and offering the plate to Virgil, who accepted one cookie—they looked to be snickerdoodles. “Yes. Things exactly like this,” he said. He took a bite of the cookie and raised his eyebrows. “Not bad.”

Virgil grinned and leaned over to kiss him. “Not bad at all,” he agreed, pulling away.

“I literally gave you your own cookie,” Logan whispered, clearly trying not to laugh.

“Yeah, but it tastes better this way.” Virgil winked, mainly for Logan’s reaction—he pressed a hand to his mouth, stifling an amused smile that was still visible in his eyes. “I should go,” Virgil added, glancing at the time. It was Sunday tomorrow, so he didn’t need to worry about how late he was up, but he disliked walking home at night.

Logan nodded, taking another cookie and pressing it into his hand. “Text me when you get home?”

“I always do,” Virgil said, accepting the cookie and a goodnight kiss that still tasted just faintly of cinnamon and sugar.

And he did just that; he always felt a little awkward simply texting “I made it home,” or the like, so he usually tried to come up with interesting questions to send to Logan instead. Tonight, it was:

Virgil: hey Virgil: if u could pick one Thing u always wanted to do Virgil: and get a guarantee that u’d get a chance to do that thing no matter what Virgil: what would u pick?

Logan: Fascinating question! I would like the opportunity to name a star. Logan: I don’t imagine it will ever happen in real life, but I’ve always thought it would be… cool, for lack of a better word.

Virgil: ghfdkjghksdhj i will never be over ur love for space Virgil: u have a Brand and u stick to it

Logan: Well, a brand is important in life. :-) Logan: What about you? What would you pick?

Virgil: i think it’d be neat to be in a band Virgil: idk Virgil: like i don’t wanna be super famous or anything but like Virgil: being in a band would be neat Virgil: yk?

***

Ten years later, Virgil sang the last lines of his song looking right at his husband. “And I don’t even need to look to the skies/Because all of the stars are in your eyes.”

The noise around him didn’t fade away like in the movies; to the contrary, the cheering was so loud it was almost hard to focus. But Logan’s face was absolutely alight—Virgil couldn’t be sure at this distance, but he thought Logan might even be tearing up—and he was looking at Virgil like he was his whole world. Even with the bright lights and overwhelming sounds all around, it was easy to focus on Logan in the midst of it all, Logan pressing a hand to his mouth but smiling too wide for anything to hide it, Logan leaning into the side-hug that Patton—oh, and there was Patton, right beside him—was offering, but never taking his eyes off Virgil. Logan looked so happy, even though Virgil knew concerts weren’t really his favorite type of event, and Virgil was hit right in the chest with a renewed realization that Logan was Virgil’s whole world and damn, Virgil wanted to make sure everyone knew it.

But their time onstage was up, and the next few minutes were a bustle of packing equipment away and cleaning up the space they’d been allotted backstage, and it all went by in a bit of a blur, helped along by the remnants of Virgil’s performance mindset and slight overstimulation—though that was getting better now that he was offstage.

Virgil took a quick break, when the bulk of the urgent work was done, to just stand in the empty restroom and breathe for a moment, the noise of the other band who were now onstage thudding in the background so quietly he could hardly hear it. When he’d fully composed himself, feeling much calmer, he took a deep breath and headed back out.

On his way out, he ran into Roman, pushing a dolly with a box on it. “Oh, good, there you are,” he greeted Virgil. “Can you—oh, for crying out loud,” he broke off, looking ahead.

Following his gaze, Virgil snickered as he saw Remus, leaning against the wall with their hands clasped behind his head, grinning down at Patton, who was leaned forward, bracketing Remus with his arms, looking up at him and speaking, although Virgil couldn’t hear him from here.

“We still have work to do,” Roman said under his breath, but the exasperated gaze he leveled at the pair was altogether far too fond to have much real bite.

Virgil’s mind was on other matters; if Patton was here, that meant—

“Lolo!” Patton’s voice called brightly; he’d seen Roman and Virgil and stepped back from Remus, waving happily at the pair of them. “Virgil’s here!”

At the sound of Patton’s voice, Janus emerged from the room, a little further down the hall, that had served as the headquarters for the band. He bent to give the tiny man a kiss, then turned to Remus for another kiss.

Logan popped his head out just a moment behind Janus. “Virgil?” He brightened when he saw Virgil’s face, and stepped fully out into the hall. He hadn’t changed from his work outfit, still wearing a button down with the sleeves rolled up, a tie, and a pair of jeans, and a smile that he looked like he couldn’t wipe off his face.

He was still the handsomest man Virgil had ever seen.

Virgil looked to Roman. “Permission to get back on my alloromantic bullshit, captain?” he asked teasingly.

Roman rolled his eyes and swatted Virgil’s shoulder. “Go be cute,” he said benignly.

Virgil took off down the hallway to Logan, not quite running; Logan took a few steps to meet him, and Virgil caught him in a hug so eager he actually lifted the taller man off his feet for just a second.

Logan, half-laughing with surprise, grasped Virgil’s shoulders for balance as he regained his feet. “You wrote me a song?”

“Did you like it?” Virgil asked, holding him tightly.

“Virgil, I—” Logan seized Virgil’s face in his hands and kissed him.

Virgil wrapped his arms more firmly around his husband, kissing him back exuberantly and swaying slightly back and forth.

“It’s perfect,” Logan told him, breaking away only just far enough to speak. “You’re perfect.”

Virgil grinned, reaching up to run his fingers through Logan’s neat hair. “Careful, you’ll spoil me.”

“I don’t think I could ever do that,” Logan told him seriously. “It’s not spoiling if you deserve it.”

And really, what was Virgil supposed to do about that except kiss his husband again?