#(which is also why we should be as defiant about it as possible and not just let them so easily have that monopoly over pop-culture)

[paperlovesadness]

Tuned into the Grammy's for a bit & it was honestly the reminder I needed on why I don't tune into these things.

Funny thing is that there's legit info out in the world on how the Oscar's work & how it has nothing to to with the movies & everything to do with the money, branding & merchandise (sent over to the members of the academy who usually do not watch the movies at all & are often v open about it 🙃) & we still somehow as a society treat it as some sort of indicator.

Haven't looked into the inner Grammy's workings too close but it's probably a twin situation.

Even 'fair' awards would be controversial in most categories -with art being so subjective. But man oh man why would we ever trust a bunch of members of an American organization made up of super-privileged & out-of-touch folks to - of all people - tell us what music is actually "the best" 🫠

[mypoorocs]

Thinking about a first time Whumper x veteran Whumpee...

When they first meet:

"You don't seem nearly scared enough. This isn't your first time is it?" "You seem weirdly nervous. Is it yours?"

"Ugh! Out of everyone in the city I could kidnap I had to get stuck with someone else's leftovers!"

"You used to belong to so-and-so, didn't you? Ah! They're my idol! Oh! This is exciting. I get to study their masterpiece up close!"

"WHY AREN'T YOU SCARED OF ME?!!!"

"Oh. You've never done this before." "Stop judging me. I have a knife."

"How is it you know exactly what I like?" "You torturers are all the same." "You've done this before??"

"I won't kill you, but I need you to cooperate. I am new to this, just so you know." "Yup. I'm going to die."

"Mmmm, I love how you move when you're in pain." "Thanks! I've been practicing for years."

"Who taught you to scream like this?"

Whumpee helping Whumper figure out the basics:

"Why are you on your knees?" "Oh sorry. Do you not like that? The last guy liked me that way. I just assumed…" "No, no. It's a good idea. Keep doing that. I just… never thought of it."

"So, what are the rules?" "Rules?" "Yeah, dumbass. Your rules for me. Do you want me to call you sir? Master? Or can I keep calling you jackass?"

"Do you want me to put up a fight or should we skip straight to the submissive stage?" "Oh... uhhh... don't fight too much. I don't trust myself not to accidentally kill you." "Oh, yeah. Good point."

"What kind of scream do you like?" "There are kinds of screams?" "Yeah. The last guy liked it when I ugly-cried. But I'm pretty good a bloodcurdling and whimpering like a kicked puppy. I can try to stay quiet but I can't make promises there..." "Hmmm... try all of them. I'll tell you which I like best."

"You cleaned??" "Yeah? Was I not supposed to?" "I didn't know you could make captives do that?!" "For the record, I didn't do it because I'm scared of you - your arm gets tired after giving me like three lashes. I did it because I'm going to be spending a lot of time bleeding on this table and I doubt it occurred to you to disinfect it."

Whumpee teaching Whumper how to whump:

"Show me what they used to do to you."

Whumper studying the scars on Whumpees body to learn the best places to cut/stab.

"Oh no! A knife? How original!" /s

"If you stab me right there you'll kill me. You have to go one inch to the right. Yeah, right there-AHHHHHH! …yup. Right there."

"I'll make you a deal. Let me have a solid eight hours of sleep and I'll show you where to pinch the nerve that will paralyze my left arm."

"You can't leave me tied up like this!" "I can do what I want!" "Yes. Okay. True. But like, you've either got to tie my knees to my chest or let my feet touch the ground. Otherwise I'm going to asphyxiate."

Whumper having an inferiority complex:

"I CAN DO ANYTHING THEY COULD DAMMIT!" (They = Whumpee's former Whumper)

"WHUMPEE! YOU'RE NOT BETTER THAN ME!" *Whumpee trying not to laugh when Whumper fucks up something really basic.*

"You must think I'm so pathetic." "NOo! Of course not! You're doing amazing! Really you are! I'm so fucking scared of you right now. I promise."

"I'll never be as good as the person who hurt you before." "You'll get there! I promise. I was like his fifth victim - I'm your first. Be kind to yourself!"

"How the fuck did your former Whumper do it?" "Yeah... you're not getting that out of me..."

Whumper being paranoid that Whumpee is manipulating them. Even though they hold the power they feel like Whumpee has more control over the situation because they know more.

Also...

Whumpee knowing just how to manage Whumper. They instinctively know when to be a little defiant and when to do exactly as they are told. They know just the right tone of voice to speak in, and just how to move, scream, to keep Whumper as pleased as possible. The sooner Whumper is satisfied the sooner it will stop.

Whumpee pretending it hurts worse than it does, lying about which places/tortures hurt most, acting more sick or tired than they really are to get rest/food, acting more scared than they really are… It's not like Whumper could know better.

[the-force-awakens]

Thinking about what a sweet, kind, silly and gentle hearted person Poe is until you piss him off and once that switch is flipped, he's a force to be reckoned with

Oh, did you mean? my most favorite? facet? of his character? that makes me lose my marbles? and also happens to be maybe my favorite character trope of all time? that? Okay I hope you were expecting an infodump because what-ho! that's what's happening, I have come prepared and with receipts, let's fucking go on how Poe Dameron is a goddamned force of nature and how the galaxy should be really fucking thankful his loyalty is first and foremost to the Resistance and to the Light, because if it wasn't...well, I'd dread to think, but it wouldn't be good for anyone else.

The fun thing for me, is that it has always been a part of Poe's character, right from The Force Awakens -- it's subtle, but it's there, hidden between the sassy quips in the face in danger and the professionality of Commander Dameron; little fleeting moments that tell you that Poe Dameron is not someone to be trifled with at all, including one of his very first scenes:

I'm 90% certain that Poe's gaze actually lands first on Tekka's body here, before lifting it up to glare at Ren - and that's more than just a defiant glare, that's a look of loathing. Which fits, considering that I do believe the Force Awakens novelization confirms that Poe rushes in without thinking, and acts on sheer anger/rage when he goes to shoot Ren after Ren kills Tekka.

(More lengthy thoughts under the cut, I was not kidding, I saved a dozen images for this).

And that look is far from the only moment in TFA that clearly goes "oh. yeah, Poe can be scary when he wants to be", there's this frankly delightful moment during the trench run when Poe sees a fellow pilot perish while covering him:

and then moments later, when Poe flies into the heart of Starkiller to destroy the oscillator, we get this shot:

that's far more than just determination/focus, he's angry. and he has every goddamned right to be - he was just held captive and tortured for (??) days, and this monstrosity just destroyed an entire fucking planetary system, and the very Republic that Poe has spent his entire adult life believing the inherent values of, that he thought could genuinely improve. Never mind the detail that Poe probably likely spent time on the Hosnian System, if he didn't live there temporarily during his time in the Defense Fleet.

But these shots makes it clear where the comic gets the idea from that the First Order might, y'know, actually be. A little bit terrified of Poe Dameron:

He's a serious threat, and ruthless when it comes to the First Order. People joke a lot about Poe being reckless, but I don't see a lot of recognition for the fact that he can be ruthless - he sees point b and dives straight at it, and he's absolutely relentless in his determination to take the First Order down.

The quickest possible way to enrage Poe is inaction or injustice. We see this clearly in the Last Jedi, when he believes Holdo is essentially leading them to their deaths and has thrown the Resistance away:

but we also see it as far back as Before the Awakening by Greg Rucka:

This conversation carries on for a page or so more, I think, with Poe arguing against the New Republic's decision to not act or investigate further (it's also what prompts him into going rogue to investigate on his own, which leads Leia into recruiting him for the Resistance).

And we've even seen it in material as recent as Free Fall, which means this is a character trait Poe has had his entire life:

(these do not paint my girl in a great light but like she's fucked up okay!! and being groomed into taking her mother's place it's fine, it's fine, she's my fucked up little blorbo)

anyway. so this is Poe when he's, probably about 16? 16 going on 17 here, and this is probably the angriest he's ever been considering how shocked he is about the chill in his own voice (which if you were ever curious why I say Poe's anger runs cold, it's because of this scene right here). He's so enraged by the injustice being carried out by Sotin, that he's genuinely - for the first time in the book - considering actually killing someone. And he gets into a screaming match about what the right decision is with Zorii.

(he also gets to punch Sotin later, by the way, if you even care. It's glorious. I love my favorite character who decides murder is okay if said murder is in question a guy who deals in the slave trade)

But also.

My favorite instance of this, ever, which rewrote my fucking goddamned brainchemistry in 2017 when I read it and made me have to step away from my computer and honest to god pace the length of my house to walk it off, is his confrontation with Terex in issue #13 of the Poe comics.

Because you know what?

This entire fucking exchange is personal, and almost/pretty much outright vindictive? Like at this point, Poe has solidly won this round - Terex has finally been defeated, and all Poe has to do is hand him over to the First Order. He knows, in doing so, Terex will likely be killed, and after who knows how long of Terex's bullshit meaning Poe couldn't trust his squadron, and the fact that L'ulo just died - well, Poe's not real broken up about it, which is fun in itself.

But then he asks Malarus if he can have a moment with Terex before he hands him over and Poe....uses that moment to gloat.

And y'all know me i don't use words like that for Poe but like. he kind of does? he asks a moment alone with terex specifically so that he can taunt Terex that he won, that Terex didn't beat him, and that in trying to take Poe down, Terex cost himself everything (a fact Poe happily rubs in his face), and even adds that "and when I give you to the First Order, I bet they'll take the rest."

So like. Yeah.

Poe knew full well they'd likely kill him, and spends the next few issues full heartedly believing that Terex was dead. And he taunts Terex with it here in this moment. It is TRULY glorious and honestly had 17 year old me's little head spinning because it was such a subversion of what I thought Poe would do -- but he did! He didn't try to figure out a way to spare Terex's life, and he used his final moments with Terex to make sure Terex knew that Poe was fully aware of what the choice he was making meant.

It's fucking DELICIOUS.

And I also love this panel from earlier into the issue:

Because again, it's a great illustration of how Poe can come off cold because of the art choices Phil Noto made here: look at the jacket. It's zipped up all the way to Poe's neck (a rarity for Poe), and just generally gives him this very closed off, cold appearance because he's at his wit's end in this issue, and he is angry about the circumstances Terex has forced him into.

So...yeah. Poe Dameron is a sweet, compassionate, silly guy who makes the worst fucking puns you've ever heard this side of the galaxy. He loves his droid, wears his mother's wedding ring with the intent to give it to the right partner someday, and loves all of his friends full heartedly and is generally the most tactile, affectionate person you will ever meet. He's pretty much everyone's best friend, because he has that kind of charisma and ability to make anyone feel like they're the most important person in the galaxy.

But Poe Dameron is also the man that the First Order seems genuinely intimidated/afraid of. He's the man that destroyed Starkiller base, and toppled the most powerful crime syndicate in the galaxy when he was just 17 years old. He is not someone you ever, ever want to piss off, because for all his warmth and love, Poe has an anger that runs cold, and when he hates something - it's just like when he loves something, he doesn't go half-way.

General Organa isn't the only Resistance general that can be absolutely terrifying in her own right as much as she can be gentle and loving. It's just that Leia's the only one anyone ever notices, because...well, Poe's silly and funny and usually kind of easy going.

And the fact that people underestimate him is what makes him that much more dangerous.

[selkiewife]

Hi there, I have a question related to this quote:

"The deserter died bravely," Robb said. He was big and broad and growing every day, with his mother's coloring, the fair skin, red-brown hair, and blue eyes of the Tullys of Riverrun. "He had courage, at the least."

"No," Jon Snow said quietly. "It was not courage. This one was dead of fear. You could see it in his eyes, Stark." Jon's eyes were a grey so dark they seemed almost black, but there was little they did not see. He was of an age with Robb, but they did not look alike. Jon was slender where Robb was muscular, dark where Robb was fair, graceful and quick where his half brother was strong and fast.”

Bran I, A Game of Thrones

My question is, in contrast to Robb Stark and Jon Snow, what do you think Theon Greyjoy’s assessment of Gared and how he responded to his impending death was? We saw Theon kick Gared’s head when it bounced over to him, but what was his private assessment, as well as his outward response to Ned, Jory Cassel and the other men, in your opinion?

This is a great question! I think that if he allowed himself to think about it, he would have a reaction closer to Jon’s and that is why he doesn’t allow himself to think about it. I think Gared’s plight is too close to home to him. I think that’s also why he laughs and kicks the head away from himself. His instinct is to get the head as far away as possible and to cover his discomfort with laughter- by making light of the situation.

It’s a delicious opening for Theon because we are encouraged to see him as an “ass” as Jon says. But then when we return to that chapter after ACOK, we realize that there is so much complexity going on in that first scene with Theon and his reaction to it. I mean even knowing that, it still seems so wildly disrespectful and inappropriate- yet weirdly, why is it THAT action that is considered so brutal and not Ned executing this poor man to begin with- a man who the readers KNOW is telling the truth. Or! Taking an 8 year old to witness an execution lol. I mean I get it. This is a GREAT introduction to this world and these characters and how harsh things are for them. But still it does make me laugh how Theon kicking the head is what really stands out as inappropriate lol.

When it comes to what he said to the other men afterwards, Bran describes him as “laughing and joking as he rode.” I think he would probably avoid conversation about the execution- diverting any serious discussion by making a joke or changing the subject. It also strikes me that he seems extra jovial… which makes me think he is using the laughter and joking and high spirits to show he is not afraid and to cope with his buried feelings of helplessness and fear. As we hear Dagmer tell him later: “The living should smile, for the dead cannot.” I’ve headcanoned that perhaps that’s one of Dagmer’s classic sayings and that maybe Theon heard him say as a boy. Maybe it’s part of the reason Theon smiles. It’s defiant in a way. With each smile, he shows that he is still alive and can still smile. That they haven’t gotten the best of him yet.

I also kind of love that he’s refusing to be somber about this like the others. He’s almost making a mockery of their solemness. And honestly, good for him.

I did write a fic about Theon and beheadings if you are interested. It does briefly feature Gared’s beheading:

Don't Lose Your Head

Thanks so much for the question, anon, and I’m SO sorry I took so long to answer it!

[dr-futbol-blog]

The Siege I, Pt. 2

So, things start going from bad to worse and this continues to the very end of the episode. We obviously get to see no scene where they say good-bye before McKay takes off on his mission because a) that's just not something John Sheppard is willing to do under any circumstances (see end of next episode) and b) Sheppard himself is responsible for the fact that the whole place is crawling with marines so they would have precious little chances to have any private moments anyway, other than those "better than our current quarters" of theirs. But this episode actually has a reason to keep them separated unlike many of the other episodes of the season, it's a very important plot point that leads us into the finale. We are lulled into a false sense of disconnection between their story threads until they come crashing together at the end.

So, even before McKay has taken off Sheppard has joined Teyla in the infirmary where she seems to have been ever since the previous episode. This means that for McKay to have been able to get the scoop from her he has either had to have visited her there, which he certainly could have done, or have heard everything from Sheppard, which is much more likely. For Teyla to even have known what a LaGrange point satellite is he has to have discussed it with one of them. Also, when Sheppard says that he thought McKay said it was dead he certainly could have referred back all the way to The Defiant One (S01E11) but it is also possible he referenced a more recent discussion the two of them had had about the topic.

Sheppard and Beckett are standing on the opposite sides of Teyla's hospital bed while she sits up on it, Beckett with his hands in his pockets where Sheppard seems to be standing at attention. While Sheppard is facing them head on, they are both angled away from him. Sheppard is standing strangely close to the bed and it seems to have very little to do with Teyla or Beckett. The only motivation I can come up for why he is standing like this is that he had just had another conversation at a similar setting, standing on the opposite sides of a bed, with someone else, somewhere else.

We don't see them do it this time but we will see them do it in the future:

Now, usually Sheppard doesn't want anything between himself and McKay but clearly having that bed between them makes it easier to have a heavy emotional moment. Safer. Creates an emotional buffer. These scenes of Sheppard standing by the bed facing someone on the other side are connected in that Sheppard's final words in the scene in Outcast (S04E15) are "Rodney. I'm fine." Whereas here:

Teyla: I am fine. Sheppard: I'm looking for something a little more enthusiastic than 'fine'. Teyla: I am ready to be put back on active duty. Sheppard: I'm sure you think so but... Teyla: Tell him I am fine. Beckett: She is, Major. I see no further reason she should be kept here under medical supervision. Sheppard: Alright. You're back on active duty.

And just like that, he lets her resume her duties. Not having a reason to be kept under medical supervision and being back on active duty are worlds apart but arguing this over with her is not a top priority for him right now. Besides, they could use all the hands that they have available.

So, with the scene in the hospital we may get somewhat of a glimpse at what a possible private scene between Sheppard and McKay might have looked like. And we get more information in the following scene with McKay has Zelenka elsewhere at this same exact time, only with them we get some of the dialogue, what it might have sounded like. We find McKay packing up in his lab where Zelenka offers to go on the mission on his behalf:

McKay: OK, I think I can handle this alone, Radek. Isn't there something better you could be doing? Zelenka: I think I should go. McKay: Yes, I agree--go. Zelenka: I mean on the mission.

While McKay undoubtedly was less abrasive in his conversation with Sheppard (as he was during his presentation), you could see that Sheppard had still not made up his mind about whether or not to go with him when they left the meeting. So if within these scenes we get any insight as to what might have happened between McKay and Sheppard that we didn't get to see, based on this it would seem that McKay is the one who finally talked him out of going with him. Where Zelenka offers to go on behalf of McKay, Sheppard very likely would have insisted that he go instead of Miller.

McKay: Why? Zelenka: Sure, you probably know a little bit more about the satellite than I do... McKay: Generous of you! Zelenka: ...but you know a lot more about the city than I do.McKay: OK, I think I see where this is going now. Zelenka: If, for whatever reason, there is problem there, it should be me, not you. McKay: There's not gonna be a problem. Zelenka: Rodney, you don't know that.

Sheppard is the best pilot they have. Sure, Miller will be able to get them there and bring them back but if there should be a problem--and this is the wraith they are talking about, this is far from a routine mission--he should be the one to be there. Also, while Sheppard may be of some limited use on the mission he is direly needed on Atlantis for a number of functions. He also is invaluable everywhere.

Their exchange gets even more interesting then:

McKay: If it seems like we can't fix it, we'll just turn round and come back. Now I realize I am invaluable everywhere... Zelenka: You know what? Forget about it. I take it back. McKay: Sorry... Zelenka: No! McKay: ...you can't take it back because you've just admitted that I am smarter than you are! Zelenka: I admitted no such thing! McKay: It was hard for you to say but the truth shone through and you were compelled to speak!

Now, we don't know what Sheppard told him, if indeed they did have a similar conversation prior to this scene between McKay and Zelenka. It probably wasn't 'The L-word' because there's a similar scene at the end of Tao of Rodney (S03E14) where McKay is messing with Weir. In an earlier scene in the episode, we did get a confession of love from Sheppard to McKay (that part about a way a friend feels about another friend was meant for everyone else to hear, and they both know it).

So it follows that the scene between Weir and McKay is actually meant to tell us something about what happened with McKay and Sheppard afterward that we again didn't get to see because it feels really weird between the two of them but would have seemed pretty natural happening between McKay and Sheppard. Between the two of them, the scene would make sense. Between him and Weir, not so much. The exchange that resembles McKay's exchange with Zelenka here goes:

McKay: You know what? I am very happy with who I am. And you love me. Weir (/Sheppard): What?! I never-- McKay: You so did! Yeah, I may not be able to understand this new math I created, but I distinctly remember that you said you love me. Weir (/Sheppard): Actually, I said we love you and... McKay: And, what? What, you were just saying that because you thought I was dying? Weir (/Sheppard): No, I said it because-- McKay: See?! You love me! It's true--you've said it, now I know. I always suspected it. In fact, you know what? I've always noticed that there's been an indefinable and yet magical chemistry between us... that I think I covered in Chapter ten. Weir (/Sheppard): Rodney... McKay: You had lunch yet? Weir (/Sheppard): Yes. McKay: Mid-afternoon snack, then? Weir (/Sheppard): I'll keep you company.

Now, this scene is weird because Weir has no reason to walk back what she said in the infirmary when McKay was dying and there has never been an iota of romantic interests between them. They are just friends and they both know it, there's no gray area anywhere. Whereas it is so easy to imagine the same conversation taking place between Sheppard and McKay, McKay messing with him but then letting him off the hook because he knows stuff like that is not easy for him. In fact, we have never seen McKay ask Weir to eat with him before or after this moment whereas we have multiple scenes where McKay asks Sheppard to have dinner with him. They eat together frequently. So the point of this scene is to show us what happened that we didn't get to see. And this is very similar to what happens here between McKay and Zelenka.

So, did Sheppard and McKay also shake hands like McKay and Zelenka do or did they do something else? I think they did shake hands. The way McKay and Zelenka shake hands here is awkward enough. But we have a scene in The Prodigal (S05E14), another not-good-bye between them, where McKay offers his hand to Sheppard for a handshake. The situation is not dissimilar to this, as Sheppard is about to do something potentially very dangerous. And, well. McKay knows he doesn't do good-byes. He knows he's not good with, what do you call them, feelings. He's especially terrible at expressing them. Also, getting emotional on the cusp of having to do something that requires all of your concentration is not good strategy anyway. So instead of talking about emotions, McKay offers Sheppard his hand:

Sheppard: What? McKay: Well, it's just... what you're about to do is... Sheppard: Yeah. Well, it's not like it's the first time. How many suicide missions have I flown? McKay: I don't know. I lost count. Sheppard: Right, well. There you go. McKay: All right. Well, you know... here's to many more.

Only, they don't shake hands. They... hold hands. It goes on a beat too long for it to be a handshake between good friends. They are lost in each other's eyes. And then, they are interrupted by Zelenka which makes them disconnect. Zelenka's voice breaks the spell. And the fact that it is Zelenka that interrupts them connects that scene to this one. So yes, I think they did shake hands over that bed there safely between them. And it is because of the earlier handshake that had probably gone on too long for it to be considered a handshake anymore that McKay is awkward here, doing this with Zelenka. The fact that he is offering up his hand at all may have resulted from what had happened earlier. What they shared in that moment resonates with the both of them in such a way as to have these aftereffects, the scene we didn't get to see informs both Sheppard and McKay's behaviour in these moments that came directly after with other people.

Also, McKay says "Keep an eye on my city while I'm gone" which is rather poetic in the sense that the city itself often seems to reflect what is going on with Sheppard, is like a manifestation of his inner landscape. McKay is telling Zelenka to take care of Sheppard for him, not in so many words. And you better believe Sheppard had some words of advice for Miller before they took off because Miller acts extremely respectfully towards McKay which is unusual for people who spend any amount of time with him in a small closed space.

So, what happened during this scene we didn't get to see? The thing that Sheppard may have accidentally let slip is either that he's going to miss McKay, he cares about McKay, or that he needs McKay. All of that he feels for him anyway.

It's Zelenka hand-gesture indicating that McKay has a small dick ("You are a miserable little man!"; he means to say that McKay is petty but the gesture he makes is a universal sign for small dick and McKay is once more completely unfazed by this)--when we've just had a reference to his not-small dick that Sheppard didn't approve of in the previous episode--that makes me think that need was the thing Sheppard let slip, especially since need has two meanings.

So it might have been something like:

Sheppard: If, for whatever reason, there is problem there, it should be me, not him. McKay: There's not gonna be a problem. Sheppard: Rodney, you don't know that. McKay: If it seems like we can't fix it, we'll just turn round and come back. Now I realize I'm needed everywhere... Sheppard: You know what? Forget about it. I take it back. McKay: Sorry... Sheppard: No! McKay: ... you can't take it back because you've just admitted that you need me! Sheppard: I admitted no such thing! McKay: It was hard for you to say but the truth shone through and you were compelled to speak! Sheppard: The only thing I need is that big D of yours! McKay: Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey, let's not ruin the moment here, huh? Now... keep an eye on my city for me while I'm gone. Sheppard: Good luck.

Continued in Pt. 3

[goose-duck]

Creepypasta x reader

Obscene Normality (ch.1)

~~~~~~

Obtusely normal reader bc I'm tired of reader being either some cute little critter or some badass killer or smth idk free me, this story is trying to be realistic but also not, yknow? Maybe you don't, but I do.

What's it about? Well, it's just you interacting with the creepypastas but it's realistic, kinda, I'm trying my best. That's the gist of it.

Characters: Hoodie, masky, toby, you

Probably shorter than you expect, I tend you give up half way with stories, so, maybe this'll have a few parts to it or smth

~~~~~~

I was chilling at my job. It's a 9-5 job, very fun. Actually, it doesn't completely suck, I'm almost my own boss so that's fun. I'm daytime security at a museum in a small town. We get two guests a day if we're lucky, it's nothing special. The place functions more as a pit stop for directions but some people actually care about the artifacts and information. Not me though, I honestly can't be bothered. It's not that I don't like learning about this stuff, it's just, I work here, so, I don't wanna, yknow? Gotta be as defiant as defiant ad possible I guess.. maybe I should talk to a therapist about that...eh...I don't have the money...hence why I work six days a week. Yeah. Six. Anyway, not the point. I'm the only person here. You'd think there'd be someone who specializes in historical stuff, or at least my boss, but no. It's just me. So, as you'd imagine I get the creeps sometimes, but ultimately it's nit that bad, I have internet and no one to tell me what I can and can't do so I just chill all day and get paid for it. I don't get a lunch break though, which i think is illegal, but I don't care enough to deal with it.

Today is another normal day, as previously mentioned, nothing ever happens here. So I'm just sitting at a desk in the library part of the building, it's just got death records in it, nothing special, I organized them when I first got here three years ago. Crazy...it's been three years, you'd think I'd have gone crazy with such a lovey job by now, but I've still got most of my marbles. Or maybe those are dice? Where are my dice..? Probably somewhere in my room...I should clean up after work...that sounds like something smart for me to do.

A few odd guys walk in the front door. Not my place to judge...but.. they look off. Maybe they're cosplayers? But what are they doing at a museum...whatever...like I said, not my place to judge. However...no one will reprimand me for drawing these strange guys.. so that's what I'll do. I begin drawing the first one I saw...he has a mask or mussel on his face...seems like he's got a gash on his cheek hidden under it. I run my tongue along the scar on my inner cheek...I used to chew on my cheek..is that what would have happened if I never stopped? I guess that makes sense...but why the face covering? And the goggles? Eh...my dad wears sunglasses inside, this isn't nearly as bad, at least these have some style to them and match the rest of this guy's outfit. There's this other guy, ugly yellow hoodie...sorry yellow lovers...but he doesn't make it work. He's got a robbers mask with a red frowny face on it...uh...let's hope he doesn't rob the place, I don't wanna have to do my job. Now for the third guy...mask guy...sideburns guy...less in shape markiplier? I don't know...I wonder if he's good looking under the mask...I like his physic...I shouldn't be fantasizing about random men I see while at work. Sorry. Who am I apologizing to? This is definitely becoming a problem...I'm apologizing to myself for being weird now.

The masked man walks over to me, he just kinda looks at me, nods, then continues on his way. I think he was trying to reassure me they aren't here to steal.. given their outfits that's appreciated...I guess maybe they really are just cosplayers...maybe I should ask who the characters are? Do I care enough for that? Yeah...but I'll let them walk around a but first...I'll ask when they're on the way out.

After a little while I get bored of just sitting around so I start wondering around the building...maybe I'll run into the guys again. Oh wow...that was quick. It didn't take long to run into the trio again, they're standing around some death records, looking for someone...obviously.

"Yo, need anything? I can help if you're looking for someone." I say politely but still trying to keep it casual.

The man in the hoodie responds, "No, but thank you. We'll just look for ourselves." He's kind about it, but I get the feeling he just wants me to leave.

I notice the guy with the goggles twitching.. I wonder what neurological disorder he has..not my business. I turn around and walk away. I'll ask about the cosplays later. I decided to just go wait around at the front doors so I won't miss them when they leave. I just lollygag around, playing games on my phone to pass the time.

It doesn't take long before the men are back, looking like they're going for the exit, I quickly get their attention, "hey, yall enjoy your time here?"

The twitchy man with the goggles answers, "Y-yeah it.. it was good. Found what I I I...I was looking for." He seemed to be getting annoyed by his own tics and stuttering as he talked.

The masked man and hooded man both nod in agreement with goggles' response.

"That's good!" I give them a soft smile, "may I ask something before you leave?"

"Sure." The hooded man blankly states.

I get a little nervous, holding my hands together and twiddling my thumbs, what if I'm wrong and they just dress like this? Maybe I won't ask...

"Uh...um...ah...never mind." I stammer out tp the three men.

The masked man rolls his eyes, "okay, bye then."

I quickly respond with a small wave, "see ya! Have a nice day!"

The three men then leave and I'm left all alone again.

...yay.

[checkoutmybookshelf]

Don't Let the Flowers Fool You

We get told not to judge books by their covers, but I would be a big fat lying liar face if I said that that this cover had nothing to do with why I picked this book up. And then I got entirely swept away by the lush world of the Burning Kingdoms, by Priya and Malini, by the magic systems, and by the Hirana. Let's talk The Jasmine Throne.

So, the problem with trying to indoctrinate women to believe that they should let you *checks notes* horrifically burn them to death for religious reasons is that eventually, someone is going to stand up and say "Absofuckingloutley Not." That is the absolutely fascinating dynamic that the book begins with between Princess Malini of Parijatdvipa and her brother, religious zelot Prince Chandra. Malini's choice to live, to stand defiant, really highlights what is twisted about Chandra. He doesn't just want to burn her. He wants her to burn willingly. Malini is having exactly none of that nonsense, thank you, so she is banished to Ahiranya, the country they have invaded and subjugated--I desperately want to just say colonized, because honestly.

With Malini is Pramila, who's daughter went willingly to be burned, which makes Malini and Pramila's relationship somewhat strained, to say the least. Additionally, Pramila is under orders from Chandra to slowly poison Malini with needleflower (basically a really strong opiate) and try to brainwash her into willingly burning. To take this to a whole other level of cruel, Malini is held in the room in the Hirana where the elders burned the temple children to death (we'll come back to that). So Malini is not having a great time in this book, which honestly just makes her strength in holding her ground and turning a chance meeting with Priya to her advantage and gaining an ally.

Malini deeply understands personal and political power and how to weild it subtly and effectively. She is literally so good at it that when Chandra cannot kill her, he has to drug her and yeet her to the ends of the earth to prevent her from destabilizing his political power and usurping the throne that technically should go to their oldest brother. Malini is a goddamn powerhouse, and everyone knows it. The fact that she extracts herself from two different torturous death sentences--and the second one while being slowly poisoned to death and fighting hallucinations of her heartsisters burning before her eyes--just highlights how terrifyingly effective Malini would be in her home territory at full strength. For all that Malini is powerful and deeply connected to fire, personally she leans very, very cool, calculating, and she knows that too. Malini is afraid that she could easily become a monster like Chandra, just of a different flavor.

That's where Priya comes in. Priya has soft spots for children, her friends, and her brother, which is honestly astounding since she is an illicit survior of the murder of the temple children by the temple elders. At the beginning of the novel, Priya isn't supposed to be alive and has to hide her past. The Hirana makes that somewhat difficult, because this semisentient, possibly evil temple seems to have a soft spot for Priya; it regularly murders people who try to enter it, but goes out of its way to help Priya save the life of a fellow maid who slipped and cane within a knuckle joint of falling to a greusome death. It also give Priya some of the powers she would have had as a priestess to save her life when someone figures out that Priya was a temple child and tries to finish what the elders started.

Priya and Malini's relationship starts off intensely tenuously; they are functionally colonized and colonizer, jailer and jailed, priestess and princess, and smitten and smitten, respectively. "It's Complicated" doesn't even BEGIN to cover this relationship. And yet they talk through it, they bond, and they have one of the best slow-burn romances I have ever read. The sheer trust that is Malini letting Priya control--and slowly wean her away from--the needleflower doses was huge.

Priya and Malini's relationship carries this book, and honestly I haven't been so invested in a relationship in a long time. Both of these women are BAMFs in their own right, but together they hold the potential to change the map of their entire world.

[scratchandplaster]

🍎🧠🎯🥊🍀

I'm not sure which OC this is for, so I'm mixing it up! From this ask game.

🍎 - What is the OC’s relationship w/their parents like?

Elliot: He grew up in a very loving family which always tried to enable his dreams and talents. His parents still act like a freshly-wed couple, even after all the years they have been together. They are very lovey-dovey, which Elliot finds quite embarrassing, but also coined his understanding of romance. Sadly, his father has to work long weeks apart from them and drive around the country, so they see each other as often as possible when he's home.

The Riberas always have been less than rich, so when Elliot sparked the interest of some talent scouts as a kid, he started to become a breadwinner. (His parents were very clear he should never do anything that would make him stressed or neglect his school life.) Some of his earnings also get sent to his abuelita in Puerto Rico, since his dad emigrated from there. Well, got send...

🧠 - What do you like most about the OC?

Morris: I like that he, compared to many Whumpers, doesn't want to escalate the scenarios he creates to a very violent/extreme level. Because he got very bad impulse-control though, he still fucks everything up in the end 🤦‍♂️ But he's trying his worst best, I promise!

🎯 -What do they do best?

Morris: Gets along with the elderly on an interpersonal level. He doesn't mind listening to stories he heard time and time again or go for a walk with someone who "can't wait to die", as they would put it. He loved to joke around with the residents and bring back a bit of action in their daily routine, that's why he was their favorite. But as mentioned above, he doesn't really think about the consequences of his actions...

🥊 -What do they love to do? What do they hate to do?

Amber: She loves to enjoy the perks of the college lifestyle and hates to work for it. So she doesn't and lets her parents do it for her 🙂

🍀 - What originally inspired the OC?

Elliot & Morris: I wanted to do a multiple-part story for Febuwhump and just needed some people who wouldn't immediately kill each other. So Elliot couldn't be too defiant, and Morris had to be at least a little reasonable with his motive. Somewhere in between, Amber got thrown in as exactly that and the rest kinda fit into place when I started writing! I didn't expect them to occupy my mind like that in the long run, but here we are 👀

[theanoninyouraskblog]

I ran out of space in the tags again :/

ok ok I know I talk about the colors All the time and it's probably annoying but I find it genuinely captivating and such an effective way to convey the tone. The fact that Jerry's meeting is in shades of blue and green (the city the hostility) and then Tef and Kat are in their warmly colored home. AGGGAHAHAH I JUST LOVE THE FACT THAT THE ENVIRONMENTS CONVEY THE WAY THE ATMOSPHERE FEELS.

The fact that Jerry looks so bored- reclining countering poppy calmly you get the impression that she doesn't expect better of Poppy. She's coming off as unsurprised- which I don't doubt she is- but the way its arranged it feels like she's trying to put it on display. which makes a great deal of sense considering this is televised *she* wants to come across as reasonable and unaffected. Not quite the rawer side we tend to see more of when she's in private.

FAE! I love the subtle concern in her brow- her bright yellow bowtie- her giggiling as Jerry denounces Poppy she's such a fun character, I've missed her.

And speaking of Poppy- gosh I can't not love her. She really does have good intentions but she's a the ends justify the means person to the end of it all. I adore her proposal. The fact that the concern she's bringing up is a real one but the fact she doesn't really register why her proposal comes across as barbaric. She's just absolutely compelling. Also the detail of the chalk in her hand shattering as she clenches her fist is a PERFECT little detail.

Jerry really does look theatric in that next panel but god I love it what a pose- oh and then Poppy's defiant expression in the next panel, though she doesn't retort- which is always devastating because Poppy so rarely chooses to hold her tongue. Typically she lashes out verbally. but its those quiet moments- between outbursts- that the mettle of her is on full display. Because you can tell she knows Jerry's using her.

She knows she's a figurehead she knows she's the worst of the worst elevated to make all the other excons look even worse. She knows that her efforts to be better are futile- she knows that Jerry's using her nature against not just her but her people. That cold defiance is so facinating. All of these characters have depths I can't possibly begin to articulate, but Poppy's feels so tangible so complicated and raw. And god she looks rough- she's not normally pressed and clean like Jerry, but this has got to be after the revelation about Tink because she looks like she's been through the wringer.

love the little warm interlude with Tef and Kat at the end, its charming it's fun we get a delightful set of expressions from Kat and a line that genuinely made me laugh aloud from Tef, but also the fact that it restates that Poppy really isn't meant to represent them, just meant to represent the idea that the upper classes have of them.

And they both show off a specific nuance of it- Kat is deeply compassionate, he's not aggressive he doesn't take any joy from violence- he finds Poppy's proposals disturbing. But Poppy is supposed to show that the lower class are violent and barbaric.

Tef is the other side of the depiction. Teflon is astute- willing to be ruthless- he's pragmatic, he's not ridiculous, not something that can be laughed at or waved away. And Poppy is meant to be that, she's meant to be a clown.

Poppy is meant to be someone that the general public can laugh at for being ludicrious, she's meant to give the impression of excons as being as ridiculous as she is- of course they could never be in charge of the government look at how foolish they are! Look how incompetent! But she's also meant to be terrifying, she's meant to be horrifying. Look how barbaric she is! You should be scared of the excons- think of what they might do to you if they had the chance!

And it's a contradiction, that's how propoganda works, the government wants to you feel both of those conflicting things at once, so that they can justify keeping them under heel and getting rid of them. Its such a vivid and stark depiction that you've managed to convey, I am simply in awe.

let the woman speak, godamnit!

[fushiguroll]

Sleepless Nights Are Meant for Cuddling | SAKUSA Kiyoomi 

featuring: husband!sakusa x f!reader

the one in which Sakusa helps you learn insomnias aren’t always painful 

MASTERLIST | DOMESTIC BLISS MASTERLIST

“I can’t sleep again.”

Your quiet declaration was almost carried away by the whirring of the fan.

Sakusa hears it anyways. It was ironic because his teammates always made fun of his bad hearing. To which Sakusa retorts with a quiet, “I don’t have bad hearing, just selective hearing. Have you ever considered the possibility that I just don’t want to hear you guys talk?” That shut Atsumu up real quick.

Yes, selective hearing, that must be it. He only wants to hear things he actually cares about. He could care less that Atsumu also wanted to drink water. How could Sakusa know his faux-blonde teammate’s bottle was right beside him on the bench?

But at 1:36 am on a Sunday night, with the fan roaring in the background and the drunkards of Tokyo singing off-key just outside your window, Sakusa hears you loud and clear.

Your husband opens his eyes, keeping them trained on the way the moonlight illuminated all of you. He raises a hand, unable to stop himself from tracing the outline of your features.

“Why?” He whispers back, just as quietly.

You shrug, eyes closed, enjoying the way his calloused fingers explored your face.

“but you should go sleep, Omi. You’re the one that’s gotta wake up at 6:30 tomorrow.”

“You mean today.” you hear the stifled smile in his sleepy voice. 

You glance at the clock, 1:45 am. “Yes, today. now go to sleep. I’m gonna go get a glass of warm water and see if that helps.”

“okay,” he mumbles, loosening his grip as you slide out of bed, not bothering to turn on the lights, the moonlight illuminating the floorboard underneath. 

Your quiet sigh echoes throughout the kitchen as you bring the warm glass to your lips. Insomnia, the third one this week, each night the same routine. It’s you fighting sleep on the sofa during date night, until Sakusa urges you to bed. Then it’s you, lying in bed, wide awake, watching your husband’s chest rise and fall with the comfort of the night.

You sigh again when you hear the quiet slippers and feel the warmth of his arms. Leaning back against him, you learn once again, nowhere feels quite like home like Omi’s arms.

“Omi, what did I say? I’m gonna go in as soon as I finish the water.”

“You’re taking too long…” he murmurs, sleep evident.

Synchronized heartbeats filled the kitchen. Sakusa was the first to break the silence. His arms tightens around you as he lets his head fall on your shoulder.

“I can’t sleep without you.”

You snorted and Sakusa feels the vibration of your laughter. “Oh yeah? You were sleeping just fine last night when I climbed outta bed again to use my phone.”

“But then I woke up, didn’t I? Who was the one who stayed up scrolling instagram with you?”

“You.”

“And who was the one that cuddled you to sleep afterwards?”

“You.”

Sakusa tightens his grip on you, pulling you in closer, something that feels impossible but he succeeds anyways. “That’s right, it was me, princess. Come on, let’s go back to bed.”

You nod, before looking up at your husband and his muscular arms still wrapped tightly around you. “Um, you can let go now, babe.”

“No. We’re cuddling right now.”

“Omi, we can’t walk like this.”

Sakusa was defiant as the two of you waddled back to bed. You settled in comfortably into his arms, the TV illuminating the dark room. The dancing lights reflected the sleep in your husband’s tired eyes as he chuckled at whatever was unfolding on screen.

“Omi, I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“What if insomnia plagues me forever?”

Sakusa looks at you, surveying the dark circles under your still-bright eyes. He makes a mental note to pick up some melatonin on the way home tomorrow.

“Then I guess I’ll have to cuddle you forever then.”

“Huh?”

Sakusa turns off the TV, guiding the both of you onto your backs.

“You know what sleepless nights are for?” He questions.

“What?”

“Cuddling.”

You think about it for a moment and decides there is truth to his words. “Thank you.”

You smile because despite the sometimes cold exterior to strangers, you husband has never been anything else but warm for you. And you smile again because you realize Sakusa truly was right, sleepless nights are meant for cuddling. Insomnias are painful, but Sakusa makes it just a bit more bearable.

As darkness envelopes you, one final thought makes its escape, a quiet murmur of “I love you, Omi”, almost carried away by the wind. 

But Sakusa hears you, loud and clear. 

“I love you, too.” 

[justauthoring]

The Long Wait

Prompt: Eventually, the hoping became too much to bare. Requested by: no one.

A/N: This is basically a remake of this fic -- upon re-watching the GMG arc with my mom, I couldn’t help but look back at this fic and realize how much more I could’ve done with it. Thus, this was born. Pairing: Gray Fullbuster x F!Reader

“What do you mean you’re leaving?”

Keeping your gaze trained to the ground, you absolutely refuse to look up -- because you know that if you did, your heart would break all over again.

“I’m sorry,” you mumble, words jumbled together, voice quiet that if the guild hall was so completely silent, they definitely wouldn’t have heard you. But they do, and they falter at the way you sound so absolutely broken. And of course, all of them were, but there was something different about the way you sounded -- it was like you were defeated. 

Macao steps towards her, you hear it rather then see it, and can imagine his hand stretched out towards you, trying to placate you. “Y/N, we understand--” and he halts, voice catching in the back of his throat. “We understand more then anyone how you feel, but--”

“It’s different.” You find yourself cutting in, voice sharp, and you wince at yourself because you sound so incredibly selfish and rude. Who were you to say that your pain was any different from theirs? Any worse? But, still, you continue, your emotions getting the better of you. “It’s just... different. I... I can’t be here knowing they’re... he’s gone.”

“Y/N-nee, we don’t know that they’re gone!”

Your eyes fall shut at the sound of Romeo’s voice.

“We have to keep searching for them,” he argues, defiant, adamantly shaking his head. “They’re somewhere out there, I know that. And Gray wouldn’t--”

“They’re gone,” you hiss, interrupting him and finally glancing up to regard your friends, your family. They rear back at your harsh words, and that guilt festers even deeper inside of your chest, with the way they’re looking at you. Jet and Droy look near tears, and you know they’re thinking of Levy. And Bisca and Alzack look in shock at your outburst, you’re usually so quiet and calm. Macao looks angry, and the rest just stare at you, varying reactions that all mesh together.

Because really, it’s the way Romeo looks at you, still so young, so full hope as your words basically slap him in the face.

But you’re too far gone now, and there’s no stopping you.

“It’s been two years,” you continue, voice softer but still cutting, still hurtful. “They’re not coming back. They’re never coming back.”

He’s never coming back.

They don’t respond. No one argues, even if some look like they might. Maybe they’re understanding, maybe they’re finally getting it -- it’s been too long now and no one from the island is coming back. You’d been hopeful at first, you’d been like Romeo -- you’d refused to lose hope. But your heart is broken and there’s no mending it and you can’t keep staring at those doors all day expecting, hoping, praying that he’ll walk through them only for him never to.

So, you turn, nothing but a soft, sorrowful, pathetic apology leaving your lips as you turn your backs on your friends and leave them.

And as you turn, you see his familiar face, the dark black of his hair, that drawling smirk on his lips, and his cold, but always soft when directed at you eyes looking at you, but when you blink, he’s gone.

-

You huff at the weight dropped around your shoulders, inhaling deeply when you see a familiar puff of blonde hair.

“Did you hear?”

You don’t need to ask what he means. It’s pretty obvious.

“Fairy Tail will be competing again this year.”

When you turn to look at Sting, he’s smirking -- all bright eyed and giddy, and you hold back your own snark as you regard him with a small nod. Sting was one of the few to know of the fact that you used to be part of Fairy Tail -- him and Rogue, given that they were the ones who recruited you, and then the master as well.

It wasn’t news you were eager for everyone to know. Fairy Tail was a laughing stock in all respects now, but Sabertooth seemed to have a particular fondness of mocking the way the guild had fallen. And it was easy to hide you’d ever been apart of it given you hadn’t been a particularly well-known mage back when you’d been a member. Your powers were relatively new, and with, regrettably, the help of the Twin Dragon slayers you’d definitely grown in aspects of strength.

Three years since you’d joined Sabertooth -- two years of training on your own, and three of being surrounded by much stronger mages had you adapting and constantly changing. You were practically unrecognizable.

You were known at Y/N of Sabertooth now, and it was like the Y/N of Fairy Tail never even existed at all.

“I’m surprised,” you hum, shifting as Sting moves to take a seat next to you, still whilst having an arm draped over your arm. You blink at the sudden arrival of Rogue, not having heard him, as he takes a seat in front of you, before continuing. “They weren’t in it last year, or the year before if I remember. After finishing last every year before.”

You hadn’t been apart of Sabertooth’s team, but you do remember watching.

It had been... hard, to say the least.

“Ah, well, this year they have a new team.” Rogue explains blandly.

“New members, you should say,” Sting smirks.

Brows furrowed, you shake your head at their words, confusion flooding at you at the particular gleefulness of Sting’s expression. He always got a kick out of embarrassing other teams, not even just Fairy Tail, but there was something different about the way his eyes sparkled.

Sting meets your gaze, and without wavering, adds; “or should I say, old?”

Your breath catches, and even as your mind starts spinning, you’re all too aware of the way both Sting and Rogue are watching you carefully.

You turn from Rogue to Sting, and absolutely hate the gleam in the latter’s eyes as he smirks down at you. Keeping a tight hold on you, he pulls you closer, leaning until he’s a breaths away; “it’s a good thing I managed to convince the Master to let you on the team this year, Y/N,” he grins widely, “you’ll get to reunite with your old pales.”

That... that couldn’t be possible.

They were--They were dead. They are dead.

“I... I need some fresh air.” Shoving Sting’s arm off of you, you ignore his calls and his merciless laughter as you stock out the guild doors, bypassing Minerva which you know will get you in shit later. You don’t really care in that moment, you can’t even think straight, you need air. 

You need to breathe.

Sting must be lying. He has to be lying. There’s... they were dead, it’s been seven years.

Seven years.

How... why now? Why after all this time?

And you convince yourself he isn’t lying. You ignore Sting every time he tries to talk to you, and focus on training. It would be no good if you failed since you were on the roster this year -- Master would kill you if you failed to impress him and keep Sabertooth at the very top. And it’s easy enough to do, spend all your time training, pushing yourself to the brink, until it’s a few days before the games and you realize, Sting wasn’t lying.

You’d been trying to ignore it, ignore the urge, but eventually you give in and find yourself in the city of Magnolia. A place you haven’t been in a long time.

Fairy Tail’s location had changed, but you’d made sure to keep tabs on them. You never showed your face, mainly because you knew that in the end, you’d betrayed your friends. In their eyes, you assumed, you were the enemy, a traitor. You’d left them, left your guild in a time they’d needed you most, and almost instantly regretted it.

But every time you tried to go back, every time you made your way towards those doors, you’d remember the words you’d said -- “They’re not coming back. They’re never coming back.” -- and, like a coward, you were never able to face them.

From the moment you’d left, all you’d wanted to do was go back but it was too late for that now. And so you settled for keeping tabs, helping them where you could, always in secret -- you knew how they owed money, and you didn’t have a lot, but you always anonymously send some the guild’s way in hopes of helping. Sabertooth would kill you if they found out, specifically Sting, but it was your way of repaying all the hurt you must’ve caused them.

It’s why you know their new location. And, without even being there for more then five minutes, you see them.

A blue flying cat, followed by a white one, a tuff of pink hair, red hair, blue hair, blonde and most importantly, him. His dark hair, the fact that nothing’s changed and he looks exactly like he had those seven years ago when you’d wished him good luck on the S Class competition, and pressed a shy, chaste kiss to his cheek, the two of you blushing madly as he left, waving you goodbye.

But, they were there. He was there.

-

“And last but certainly not least, is the team that came first in the preliminaries... that’s right, you know them, you love them! Now, get on your feet and scream for the most powerful guild in all Fiore! The one and only, Sabertooth!”

You wince at the cheering, two steps behind everyone else as Sting makes his grand entrance, looking thoroughly most pleased and proud of himself then anyone else. However, even you can see the smirk on Rufus’ and Orga’s face. 

If anything, it’s you and Rogue that don’t look all that excited.

And you, for a specific reason. One that stares you right in the face the second you walk into the arena.

Elfman, Erza, Lucy, Natsu, but more importantly, Gray all look at you the second your team arrives. You can even feel Fairy Tail team B, and the rest of the guild up in the stands watching you and only you. You also notice with disdain that Sting had purposefully made way for you to be seen, even if you hadn’t been that hidden, you would’ve rather remained in the shadows.

That, and you’re not exactly sure what to say as they all stare at you.

“Y/N?!”

It’s Natsu who yells it, but it’s Lucy who steps towards you, baffled and confused; “Y/N, what’re you...”

But you only lower your gaze, eyes falling shut as Sting pulls you into his side, laughing loudly. “What a reunion!” He cheers, pumping his fist in the air, before turning to you. “Isn’t it so great to see all your old guildmates, Y/N?”

You meet their eyes, just as the announcer calls out;

“What’s this? A reunion? Could it be perhaps that Sabertooth’s own Y/N Y/L/N was once a member of Fairy Tail? What a twist on her debut in the Grand Magic Games!”

“This is so not man...”

Turning your head at the sound of Elfman’s voice, your breath catches in the back of your throat.

“Elfman,” Erza says sharply, pulling your eyes back on her and thus the rest of them, noticing with a thick swallow the way her eyes have never left your own. “I’m sure Y/N has her reasons.”

But as she stares at you, waiting for you to say something, you simply turn, walking off.

“I didn’t know you used to be in Fairy Tail,” Rufus drawls to you when you pass him, and your shoulders tighten.

That’s right... now, everyone knew.

“You never needed to know,” you say simply.

“Y/N.”

“It seems Fairy Tail’s Team A Gray Fullbuster approaches Sabertooth’s own Y/N Y/L/N, and the crowd watches in anticipation at the clear tension amongst the two of them--.”

Everything freezes. Shoulders tensing, you slowly turn, meeting Gray’s eyes -- the one you’d been specifically avoiding.

“We won’t lose.”

I know, you want to say. I don’t want you to, you want to tell him. I want Fairy Tail to win, you want to plead. But instead, knowing the eyes that watch you, you simply say; “neither will Sabertooth.”

-

This had to be some cruel joke.

Your punishment, maybe.

Sabertooth’s Y/N Y/L/N versus Fairy Tail’s Team A Gray Fullbuster

That’s what the board said, that what that God awful announcer calls with clear joy in his voice -- your first battle, the second day of the Games, and this way the turn out.

There was no way you’d win. 

Ignoring the fact that you had no doubt Gray was stronger then you -- you simply just couldn’t. You wouldn’t. Not against Fairy Tail and certainly not against Gray.

“Good luck, Y/N,” Sting calls as you move to make your way towards the arena. “Though I doubt you’ll need it.”

You hate his words, hate the way he knows, hate the way he seems to get such joy out of everything that had happened. This was his fault. His fucking fault that you were here, and that this was happening.

Though, of course, even you knew that was true.

“Sabertooth’s Y/N Y/L/N has never been apart of Sabertooth’s team, but we can expect something great from Fiore’s strongest guild, needless to say. Do you know anything about Y/N Y/L/N, Yajima-san?”

“I don’t know much about Y/’N now, but in her Fairy Tail days, she never really made a name for herself, but I do distinctly remember her powers being incredibly unique.”

“Ah! A mystery then. And of course, Fairy Tail’s Gray Fullbuster is a Ice Wizard, but after his performance in day one’s Hidden Competition, the crowd’s not too sure what to expect. Nonetheless, it should be an intense match between old guildmates now turned enemy’s.”

“Shut up,” you hiss to yourself, nails digging into the palm of your hands.

“Ah, I see you’re just as chipper as you used to be.”

Swallowing thickly, you inhale sharply as Gray comes to a stop a few feet before you. It’s closest you’ve been to him since that first day, and more importantly, then in seven years. You’d already known since that day, but he really does look exactly like he had that day. Hasn’t aged a day. You don’t know the story, you don’t know how he’s back, but you know you’ve heard the term ‘seven year blank’ echoing around.

That makes more sense as you stare at him now.

Still eighteen, you’re now older then him then a year younger like you had been before. 

Remaining silent, your head tilts back, where you know Sabertooth is, chest tightening.

“Y/N.”

Turning to Gray at the sound of your name, your lips part when you noticed the way his eyes have softened, even if only a little, like he caught something in the past moment you’d turned away from him. He looks so much more... concerned then he had the first day, and that was only yesterday. When he’d called for you, he’d looked so angry...

Now, he only looked worried.

“What happened?”

Swallowing thickly, you try to appear unbothered. “I left.”

“There’s more to it, I know there is,” Gray shakes his head, “the others told us about the day--”

Eyes clenching shut, a simply jerk of your head has Gray flying back. It causes a roar of gasps, surprise and anticipation in the thought that the fight is finally starting. But you know, unlike them, that it won’t get farther then that -- at least not from your end.

Gray hisses, slowly crawling to his feet, before he smirks at you; “you’ve gotten strong.”

“It’s been seven years.”

“Still,” he shrugs, stopping before you once again. “You have control now.”

You shrug, mimicking him with a smirk, “it’s been seven years.”

However, the facade falls all too quick when he takes a step towards you. Your body tenses, fists clenching as he continues to make his way towards you until he’s directly before you. He eyes you for a moment, quiet, carefully, and you nearly break then and there.

“It may have been seven years, but I know you best,” he whispers, voice low, “I know you’re lying.”

You shake your head, pushing his words away from your thoughts; “attack me.”

And he blinks, surprised; “what?”

“I need you to attack me,” you repeat, keeping your eyes trained downwards, refusing to meet his eyes. “I... I just need you to.”

And part of you expects him to -- you deserve it, you know, after all you’d done.

But, a second later, Gray’s stepping back, pulling your wide eyes on him as he shakes his head; “Fairy Tail doesn’t attack their own friends, Y/N. You know that.” And your breath hitches when his hand moves to raise.

“No!” You yell, before you can help yourself, eyes flashing a bright gold, like they had seconds before, holding Gray’s arm in place as he blinks back at you. Letting out a soft whimper, one you hope he doesn’t hear, you hold his arm in place, eyes falling shut as your own arm raises, the crowd falling eerily silent.

“I give up.”

And you knew, even as you feel the glares on your back, that there really wasn’t any other outcome that could’ve happened. You’d never hurt Gray, you knew, and you refused to hurt Fairy Tail anymore.

You were destined to lose this match.

-

“What’s so special about those fairies, huh?”

Wincing, you gasp at the squeeze on your throat, trying to suck in air that won’t come as your eyes fall on Sting’s own narrowed ones, glaring down at you. The brick of the wall behind you bites into your skin, and you know his grip will leave bruises, but even as you gasp for air and it feels like your vision is closing in on you, you have no regrets.

You never would, even if it’ll get you killed.

“What’s so fucking special about them?”

You refuse to respond, even if Sting wasn’t blocking off your air way you wouldn’t. Even if you could easily knock him away, send him flying, you don’t -- you’ll only pay for it more later.

“What’s so special about him?!”

He drops you then, and you fall to your knees with a thud, a cry leaving your lips as he sends a sharp kick to your gut, causing you to double over. It takes you a moment, a solid minute to catch your breath, and even then you’re still gasping, voice raspy as you raise your chin, eyes narrowing as you say the words you’ve been wanting to say to Sting for years.

“Fairy Tail is the guild Sabertooth could never be,” you hiss, your voice pathetic but your gaze menacing. “And Gray is a better man than you’ll ever be. All of them are. You’ll never be as good as Natsu.” You hit him where you know it hurts, the words having been on the tip of your tongue for years but you’d always held back in fear of what would happen.

Well, you’re no longer afraid. You’re too far gone now.

Sting’s eyes narrow and his face twists, ready to explode, before he breathes, and a smirk curls onto his lips. “You’ll never be apart of your pathetic guild again,” he hisses, “you’ll be stuck in Sabertooth for the rest of your life. Only, Master will make sure your life is a living hell.”

He sends another sharp kick at your side, but says nothing more as he turns, walking off with a huff.

It takes you a moment to gather yourself, slowly pushing yourself up to your knees where you stay, chest heaving, the pain radiating across your entire body, fingers finding your neck and touching the offended skin gently as you hiss in response.

You didn’t regret surrendering, but you couldn’t help but be terrified of what would happen when you walked into the inn that night.

You never should’ve left Fairy Tail. It was a regret you’d probably take to your grave.

“We actually have points thanks to you.”

Blinking at the sound of Gray’s voice, you slowly glance up at him, arm still wrapped tightly around your stomach as you stare up at him.

“I’m glad,” you whisper, smiling gently, “Fairy Tail deserves to win.”

Gray sighs, and stepping towards you, he reaches a hand out; “here,” he says softly, voice a mere whisper. You meet his eyes, before glancing at his hand for a moment, slowly slipping your own in it. He helps you to your feet, holding you up as you waver, hissing in pain, and then, before you know it, before you can even help yourself, you fall against him, forehead pressing against his shoulder as you let out a whimper.

“You know,” Gray says after a moment, “I still remember that kiss.”

Shaking your head, you let out a quiet, somewhat forced laugh.

“What happened, Y/N?”

“You were gone,” you whisper, finally answering. “You all were, but you were too. And... And I couldn’t handle staring at those doors everyday waiting for you to walk through them, only for you never to.” Pulling back, you meet his eyes, “I love you, I wanted to tell you that day, and it crushed me that I never did.”

Hands falling on your waist, Gray shakes his head; “no one would tell me where you were when we came back. It’s like every time I asked, this look would come over them and everyone would fall silent. When I learned it had been seven years, I wanted to see you first and tell you... tell you, I love you too.”

Biting your lip, “it’s too late,” you whisper. “The others must hate me and I... Sting will never let me leave.”

Gray’s grip tightens. “They don’t hate you, Y/N. Everyone misses you. I miss you,” and then, he shifts, cupping your cheek to pull your eyes on his own again. “I need you to come back.”

“But... Sting--”

“We’ll figure it out, Master will figure it out,” Gray argues, shaking his head. “The Guild needs you. I need you.”

Lips parting, you try to find the words, only to realize there are none. So, instead, you simply fall into his arms, holding him tight against you and hold on to his promise.

[leverage-commentary]

Leverage Season 3, Episode 7, The Gone Fishin’ Job, Audio Commentary Transcript

John Rogers: Hi, This is John Rodgers, Executive Producer, with a pint of Guinness, this episode of Leverage. And next to my right is?

John Harrison: John Harrison, I’m the Director.

Rebecca: I’m Rebecca Kirsch, I’m the Writer.

Chris: Chris Downey, Executive Producer.

Aldis: This is Aldis Hodge, your resident Hardison. And you are watching The Gone Fishin’ Job.

[Laughter] 

Rogers: Uh, Becky, tell us how the origin started for these scummy guys doing this thing?

Rebecca: Um, I found out some crazy research online. Apparently back in 2006, the IRS outsourced some of their debt collection practices to some private debt collectors. So instead of using people who were covered by the government and under the government laws to collect money from taxpayers, they took on people who had incentives to get as much money from people as possible using the nefarious routes. 

Aldis: Just makes me sick.

[Laughing]

Chris: And we got- we got a little heat online from some people about the accuracy of this. And, and isn't it that the truth is actually much worse than this?

Rogers: Yes.

Rebecca: Much worse.

Rogers: They were using full on horrible debt collector means of lying to people, faking phone calls, saying they’re gonna take the house, you know.  

Rebecca: Absolutely.

Harrison: Intimidation. And all that.

Rogers: Intimidation, yeah. This is- this is stuff that goes on. It was also interesting when people said, you know, who- who would just pay someone just because they said they’re from the IRS. And I hate to say it- American culture, we are hardwired for authority. You know, if a white dude in a suit shows up and says you owe money to the government, 9 out of 10 people gonna assume that they owe money to the government.

Chris: And in this case you, they do.

Harrison: Especially if it’s the IRS.

Rebecca: Absolutely. 

Rogers: They do, yes.

Chris: In this case they- this person actually did owe money to the government, which is something that really only the government would- should know.

Rebecca: Exactly.

Rogers: Should know! In theory. Unless you- yeah.

Harrison: Like this scene there, where she actually hands over her credit card.

Rogers: Yeah.

Harrison: It’s- when I first read it, I thought, ‘Is this real?’ But then you think, man, if an IRS guy came to me-

Rogers: Yeah.

Harrison: That’s one group that I really don’t wanna mess with.

Rebecca: Absolutely.

Rogers: It was- it’s a horrible abuse of power. And one of the incredibly depressing things that we stumble across every year as we write Leverage.

[Laughing]

Rogers: It’s really- it’s just a parade of, “Oh man, that sucks!” That's the writers room all day long.

[Laughing]

Rogers: The actress playing our victim here is?

Rebecca: Marissa Price.

Rogers: Excellent job.

Harrison: Yeah.

Chris: Mmhmm.

Rogers: Really good, really good sympathetic job with the- 

Chris: Local actress from Portland.

Rebecca: Absolutely.

Rogers: Yeah, she was.

Rebecca: And her daughter, Sara Fanger, did a really good job. We had a good night together.

Rogers: Was that her real daughter?

Rebecca: Uh no, the- I’m sorry. The actress playing the daughter.

Harrison: Yeah. She was terrific. And it was the last shot of a long, long week.

Rebecca: Exactly.

Harrison: And we got it all in time because these guys-

Rogers: That’s why it was at night, right? It was originally written during the day.

Harrison: Yeah, yeah.

Rebecca: That's exactly right.

Rogers: We just burned out the- burned through daylight. Chris, now however, the scummy, scummy plot was married to The Defiant Ones. 

Chris: Yes.

Rogers: And why don't you talk about how that had been on the board for a while?

Chris: We did, we had a card on the board for a long time that we wanted to handcuff Eliot and Hardison together and have them chased through the woods. 

[Laughter]

Chris: And it became a challenge to figure out- to build a story around that. You’d think that that would be enough. That that would- that that story just writes itself.

Rogers: No, that's just an occurrence, that’s really-

Chris: You need to find a reason for them to be chased through the woods.

Aldis: Now where did that idea for us to be handcuffed together come from?

[Laughter]

Rogers: It comes from-

Chris: Well it's a classic movie, The Defiant Ones.

Harrison: Yeah.

Aldis: Yes.

Chris: You know, we did have to take a little bit of heat as to why the bad guys would decide to handcuff these two people together instead of handcuffing them separately.

Rebecca: Right.

Rogers: But, I will note, that instead of just tossing you into the woods with some made up bullshit story, we waited two years to figure out a legitimate reason you are handcuffed to each other!

[Laughter]

Aldis: Exactly. Well my true question is: why me and Eliot?

[Laughter]

Rogers: Oh, I'm sorry, we did have the plot where you and Beth were handcuffed together and were running through the woods.

[Laughter]

Aldis: I’m just saying.

Rebecca: Whole other season, season 5.

Aldis: Give the audience the spice- you know we could’ve stayed in the woods for a few more days.

Rebecca: They did enjoy it.

Rogers: But it turns out that the majority of the audience might prefer that more, but the 10% of the audience that preferred this version tends to pay more for advertising.

[Laughter]

Rogers: So, you were this close to being shirtless in the woods, so stop bitching.

Aldis: Dag!

Chris: We got plenty of stories about the woods coming up, oh boy.

Rebecca: Absolutely.

Aldis: Oh yes, we do.

Chris: I love the pinata bit that you did here.

Rebecca: You were always a fan of that, thank you.

Chris: I was a very happy- you know it's just a little bit of business for the actors. 

Rebecca: Yup.

Chris: But it was- I thought it really made the exposition of the scene, kind of, give it a nice funny framework.

Harrison: Except for the noise of the crinkling paper all the time through the scene, that was-

Rebecca: Exactly. 

[Laughter]

Rogers: Oh that's sound, who cares about sound?

Harrison: Sound, right.

Aldis: Yeah, ADR.

Harrison: Well I didn't want to ask all these guys to dub their lines.

Rebecca: Exactly, well that was a concern about that-

Rogers: Oh they love dubbing their lines, they love dubbing entire scenes; the actors live for that.

Aldis: Hey, hey, I cooperate when it comes to ADR.

Rogers: You do, you're fantastic.

Aldis: I cooperate; I have no problem when it comes to ADR.

[Laughter]

Rogers: When you do- but when you have five humans in one set it is important to find a little bit of business. Why you see Beth eating soup, or, you know, everyone- there's usually what happens is one person peels away with a physical prop.

Harrison: And she had all this worked out, I didn't have it. She just came up with all that stuff.

Rogers: Oh, that's great. That is great.

Chris: Oh here we go.

Harrison: Except for Eliot tearing the head off, which was fun.

[Laughter]

Rebecca: I think we went through about three pinatas for that.

Aldis: By the way guys, sexual chocolate!

Rogers: There- thank you .

[Laughter]

Rogers: That is- you guys were not here when he did the first episode.

Aldis: Yes, I'm just saying it's kind of necessary, just-

Rogers: Now I will say that this might be, though an accurate portrayal of Hardison, you are quite the outdoorsman. You went up to Portland.

Rebecca: Is that true?

Rogers: I saw a lot of you when Edwin was up there, you were out hiking.

Chris: Yeah, that’s right.

Rogers: You sent us photos of you out hiking with Edwin.

Aldis: Yes, I hike a lot.

Chris: Speaking of shirtless.

[Laughter]

Aldis: Do the river rafting, pretty- when you're up in Portland it's like not much more to do but go be a part of the woods, because that's all there is, so why not be a part of it?

Rogers: And a lovely art scene.

Aldis: There's a beautiful art scene.

Rebecca: That's true, good coffee shops.

Aldis: Portland's a great town for that, but I'm just saying that there's- you got like three options. You know go to the movies, go to the woods-

[Laughter]

Harrison: Go to the coffee shop.

Rebecca: Go to Powells.

Aldis: Or go to the coffee shop, yeah or to the bookstore.

Chris: Yeah.

Rogers: No, this was also this was fun. We learned an awful lot about money laundering. We really-

Rebecca: I think too much, I think we could do a very good job, frankly.

Rogers: We could do- well there was one time we were breaking- Apollo Robbins, our professional thief consultant came in to consult. And he was watching us break an episode, he said, “You guys are now a fully functioning crime crew.”

[Laughter]

Rogers: He said, “I have seen professional criminals who put less thought into their crime than you guys.”

Rebecca: Can I put that on my resume?

Chris: There's the great Clancy Brown!

Harrison: There's the great Clancy Brown!

Aldis: Clancy Brown!

Rogers: Oh, man.

Chris: This was not the first time you've worked with Clancy?

Harrison: I've worked with Clancy a bunch of times.

Rogers: We both have. 

Rebecca: Of course.

Harrison: I mean he's-

Aldis: Actually we all- I have as well.

Chris: Oh yeah?

Rogers: What'd you do?

Harrison: You-?

Rogers: What did you do with Clancy?

Aldis: Clancy and I, we did a cartoon series for two years. It's called A.T.O.M.: Alpha Teens on Machines.

Rebecca: I didn't know that.

Harrison: Do you know he's on Spongebob Squarepants?

Aldis: Yeah well there were several other guys from Spongebob. Tom Kitty who plays Spongebob, yeah. What did you guys work with him on?

Rogers: Oh there's the evil look, I loved. I did two things-

Aldis: Clancy Brown!

Rogers: One, I wrote a pilot for USA, which should be on the air, called Red Skies about a Chinese female ass-kicking cop who comes to America and Clancy Brown is her FBI- it sounds cool even when I say it now!

[Laughter]

Harrison: Yes it does!

Aldis: So cool.

Rogers: Clancy Brown was her FBI handler. And I tell you there was, it was actually a funny moment because he's such a genial guy, and he's so terrifying on screen, but he's such a sweet guy. But there's one moment that during draft drift, we’d taken the character out of the scene, but forgot to cut one line of dialogue, so we were doing the table read. And he suddenly finds that one line of dialogue and says it, and there's you know, “Oh that was weird.” And then at the end he comes over and goes, “John you're going to take me out of that scene aren't you?” I was like, “Yes, Mr. Brown! I’ll take you out! Please!”

[Laughter]

Chris: “Whatever you say, please stop talking!”

Rogers: “Please don't take out the giant sword and kill me for my life energy! Please!”

Harrison: The first time ever worked with him was on Earth 2, and I was so-

Rogers: That was a great little show.

Harrison: So intimidated to go work with him, because he has such a strong personality on screen. And I went to talk to the other actors first, and well, you know, ‘What's it like to work with Clancy? I'm really nervous to work with Clancy.’ And he was the sweetest guy.

Rogers: Yeah.

Harrison: And he's got a great sense of humor, he's hysterical on this set!

Rebecca: Absolutely.

Rogers: The other time I worked with him, he was Captain Black on Jackie Chan Adventures.

Harrison: Yeah.

Aldis: Yes.

Chris: Ohh.

Rogers: He was the voice on that, and did that for five years.

Harrison: Dean and I did a show with him called Blank Slate.

Rogers: Yes.

Harrison: Where he came in, and Dean loved him, so when he asked me to come up and do this episode and I found out that Clancy was in it, it was like- how quick can I get on the plane?

Rebecca: Exactly.

Rogers: By the way, Gina in a business suit drinking scotch is hotter than I remember.

Chris: Oh yeah.

Harrison: I like it!

Rebecca: I was gonna say that that outfit in addition to the Eliot and Hardison outfits are some of my favorite costumes this season. I thought that Nadine did a fantastic job.

Rogers: Nadine Haders- always a great job, always a great job.

Aldis: Applause to Nadine Haders.

Rogers: It might be this, and the limo driver in Ho Ho Ho.

Chris: Oh yeah.

Rebecca: Oh I haven't seen that, is that a good one?

Rogers: Yeah, she looks pretty great in it.

Aldis: What about the two stripper outfits in the season finale?

Chris: Oh no spoilers!

[Laughter]

Rogers: No no don't ruin it!

Rebecca: Ahh hey hey!

Rogers: No spoilers.

Harrison: Gotta wait for those.

Rogers: I had a thong specially made.

Aldis: Not me. That's next season guys, next season.

Chris: And this is just two fantastic actors, just mono y mono in the scene, I mean that's what-

Rogers: This was actually great staging, is the flipping the eyelines back and forth between how are we gonna do the con, and actually executing the con. 

Harrison: Right.

Rogers: It's really tricky. We have an enormous amount of pipe in these episodes, and figuring out ways to break up that information is a real challenge. And you'll notice that again, the challenge is shooting five actors but also in getting information out, we split them up into two's a lot more this year.

Chris: Yeah.

Rogers: Than we used to.

Harrison: Which is great. I mean for director to be able to see the thing unfold, and you're able to- instead of trying to get everybody in a room and do a big blurt out, you can find a way to stage it creatively.

Rogers: Now we did get a little- there's the militia guys. We did get a little heat from some people.

Aldis: Look, I will have you notice-

Harrison: Did you?

Rogers: I’ll tell you-

Aldis: In this scene, that all the red dots are on sexual chocolate.

[Laughter]

Aldis: I'm just saying.

Harrison: Yes, they are.

Chris: How'd that work out?

Aldis: I'm offended! I'm just saying.

Harrison: What's the significance of the crow, though, I wonder?

[Laughter]

Chris: Well there's an act break for you, right there.

Rogers: There's an act break people are gonna-

Chris: And now they are handcuffed together!

Rogers: There you go! We're in! And beginning of act 2 we know what the episode is.

Aldis: Yeah.

Chris: Now I'll say there was a big debate when we were breaking this story about where the woods part was gonna be, remember? 

Rogers: Yeah.

Chris: I mean that was a big- we were- it was a big- it was tricky part because we had sort of an urban part of the story-

Rebecca: Right.

Chris: -that was the money laundering con, and then there was the bank part of the story. And at one point they were gonna actually be in Portland, and three thousand miles away. And then ultimately-

Rebecca: Oh yeah we got a-

Chris: -we decided we needed to bring everyone together at the end.

Rebecca: Yeah we were gonna have them in Washington, I guess.

Rogers: Or Alaska, we talked about Alaska for a while.

Rebecca: I forgot- you're right.

Chris: Alaska we talked about.

Rebecca: You’re right, I had forgotten about that.

Harrison: It feels totally real though.

Chris: Yeah.

Harrison: The relationship here all feels-

Rogers: Yeah, the spatial relationship-

Harrison: The spatial relationship feels totally real.

Aldis: For the audience, I mean you guys- we’re usually somewhere different every episode, as far as geographically- making geographic decisions. How much does that play into your thought process of actually writing the story?

Chris: Well, we had to figure out in the ending, could we end it with you guys three thousand miles away just solving your own problem? And them, you know, and them back in the urban part of the story, and we ultimately decided no we need to bring everyone together at the end, they need to be three hours into the woods. That was really kinda the breakthrough we had that finally-

Rebecca: I think you're right.

Chris: Finally figured out how we can finish it.

Rogers: Well a lot of it is, you can die three hours into the woods. That was also thinking about it.

[Laughter]

Rogers: It’s like, you know, three hours into the woods is pretty damn deep into the woods. They find dead hikers in the California hills- you know, mountains, fifteen minutes off the trail all the time, you know.

Chris: Yeah.

Rogers: And this crime story, how we money launder, actually was Chris’ idea.

Chris: Well, and Christine Boyland actually had a big breakthrough, cause we needed a money laundering opportunity for the guy. Once he knew his money was vulnerable in this rural bank-

Rogers: Yeah.

Chris: We needed to present him with a way to launder money. And we were just knocking things around the room and Christine Boyland, one of our writers, said what about a gym? And when she said that it was like the skies opened up. It was like of course you could launder money through a gym! Because gym membership rolls- most people don't go!

Harrison: That's the great point of it right there.

Rogers: The key to money laundering, for those of you who wanna do some research.

[Laughter]

Rebecca: Take notes.

Aldis: This is criminal lessons 101.

Rogers: Criminal lessons.

Rebecca: Pen and paper.

Rogers: The key to money laundering is no inventory. That's why, if you ever in New York City, or any major city, and you're looking around and wondering what all those neighborhood video stores are, like who the hell uses those neighborhood video stores? Well it’s something- a place that charges for service.

Chris: Yes.

Rogers: That you can't track, that you never have to move inventory in or out of, there's no way to count how many things you've actually sold. So a lot of those places are actually money laundering for the Russian mob.

Harrison: Yeah.

Aldis: John, is that why you started a video store?

[Laughter]

Rogers: I have a great little video store here in LA. It deals specifically in alternative and cult films, I think you'll really-

Aldis: It's called Roger's World.

Rebecca: Very innovative.

Aldis: On tape.

Rogers: What were we gonna say? Yeah we got- we got a little heat when- we’re gonna go back to militia in a minute, because some people, you know, kinda buy into the whole bad side of Thomas Jefferson. They never quote the letter to the Danbury Baptists, it's always the ‘blood of the tyrants’ line. But, you know, it's tricky because whenever we talk about a group, we're talking about the most extreme part of the group. 

Harrison: Yeah.

Rogers: When we talk about the government, we talk about specific bad people. And if you believe you should go live in the woods, and you should not be bothered by the government, that is cool. What these people are based on are the hooteries [sp?]. Which were-

Harrison: The Tim McVeighs.

Rogers: The Tim McVeighs. 

Aldis: Yeah.

Rogers: There was- literally right before we wrote this.

Rebecca: A week. I'm gonna say a week before; it was incredible timing.

Rogers: A week before we wrote it, a bunch of these wingnuts were caught who were planning on killing cops.

Chris: Yeah.

Rogers: And using Iraqi insurgent techniques to kill cops. And I don't care what your political bent is conservative or-

Chris: I think it was at the funerals wasn't it?

Rogers: It was at the funerals.

Rebecca: They were gonna kill one cop.

Rogers: They were gonna kill one cop, wait till a bunch of cops showed up to the funeral and kill them at the funeral.

Rebecca: Exactly.

Aldis: Yeah.

Rogers: I don't care if you're conservative or liberal. Guys who kill cops are bad guys on TV shows.

Harrison: Especially, yeah, setting them up and luring them in and so they can pick them off. Give me a break.

Rogers: Yes. And also, like, most of these guys probably drove there on federally funded highways, but that's fine! You know, ignore that.

[Laughter]

Harrison: They're probably living on-

Rogers: Let's just take our lesson from the murderous, cop killing, bad guys.

Chris: Now this. Tell us about the woods here. 

[Laughter]

Chris: What don’t we know about what's going on here?

Aldis: First of all, as you can see, it's not much clothing that we had on.

Rebecca: No, it was a little cold.

Aldis: Portland; woods; it was raining.

Rogers: What time of year did you shoot this?

Harrison: It was April; late April.

Rebecca: It was April; you’re absolutely right.

Aldis: The cameras we use, the RED cameras are so great they provide such clear images. It rains lightly but you can't really pick it up, you can't really tell. But it was- we could tell!

[Laughter]

Aldis: Sitting there in the scenes, it was very cold. And those little heaters - those little heat warmers that- the little portable heaters they, you know, they’re good as far as you can take them.

Rogers: So that campfire isn't warming you at all?

Chris: It's not making you toasty?

Rebecca: No, the crew gathered there ever time we took a break between shooting, it was absolutely-

Chris: Look at that breeze. Oh I feel the cold right now!

Aldis: Oh the beautiful breeze.

Rebecca: It rained for every moment of this shot.

Chris: Oohhh.

Aldis: 12 hours a day, in the woods, for a week. Oh joy.

Rogers: Who'd you do that for Aldis? Did you do it for the fans?

Aldis: Did it for the fans.

[Laughter]

Rogers: There you go.

Aldis: Cause we love you guys.

Chris: Our bad.

Rogers: There you go.

Aldis: But this was actually a great scene, a fun scene because-

Harrison: It is, yeah.

Aldis: You'll see later, Christian and I, we start running away and I'll show you the exact point. We had trouble actually running, being stuck to one another. And we were sliding, it was rainy, it was muddy, the whole bit. And one time we ran, actually, into a tree, but we didn’t know which way to go so we split the tree-

[Laughter]

Aldis: But we were handcuffed together so we both yanked back because we hit the tree.

Rebecca: Please tell me there's footage of that somewhere.

Chris: Is there footage of that?

Aldis: Oh there is. Yeah, I hope it’s in the bloopers, but it's actually- I mean they use- it was right there. We slid and hit right in the tree.

[Laughter]

Harrison: The thing that's cool about that scene though Aldis, is the way that you guys lay the pipe for what you need to know later on. 

Aldis: Yeah.

Harrison: And it's not, like, in your face; it's not, like, ‘Okay, pay attention to this thing about the cigarette.’ I think it's really a nicely done scene for that reason.

Rogers: Kirsch did a lovely job.

Rebecca: Thank you. 

Aldis: She did, she did.

Rebecca: And I have to say, having- not done a lot of experience, personally, in the woods, in the rain, I have to say that you and Christain did an incredible job. As far as I don’t- we were there for two days, it rained every second of it. I didn't hear one peep of complaining; you guys were the most ultimate professionals, and it was something that inspired me to not complain.

Aldis: Oh, thank you.

Chris: Right.

Rebecca: And try to keep going, it was very impressive.

Chris: We knew this episode should have been saved for July, we just didn't have anything else.

[Laughter]

Rogers: Really didn't have anything else to shoot?

Chris: Had nothing else; this was it, we’re doing it.

Aldis: It's like-

Harrison: Yeah, but then you would've had all the bugs.

Rogers: That's true.

Rebecca: Oh my god, you're right.

Aldis: Let's shoot all the summer episodes in February, more running.

Chris: Oh here we go! This was what was in mind the whole episode was conceived.

[Laughter]

Harrison: Here's The Defiant Ones.

Rebecca: Here, I'm gonna tell you exactly what we heard in the writers room for about a week when we were writing this: more bloodhounds. This is from Chris Downey: more bloodhounds.

[Laughter]

Chris: I said more bloodhounds.

Rebecca: Release the hounds; we need more bloodhounds.

Aldis: Those bloodhounds, by the way, were the sweetest dogs in the world.

Rebecca: They were-

Rogers: Except when they’re hunting you.

Rebecca: They were cadaver dogs.

Chris: They were cadaver dogs! Yeah.

Rebecca: These were cadaver dogs that were trained to go to this woods and to, god forbid, find someone.

Harrison: Is that right?

Rebecca: That's what they did, and their trainers were the most incredible people. And they were really the loveliest dogs. And I remember sending you a few photos of it and your absolute childlike excitement about it, because you wanted those dogs!

Chris: I did. And I love the rock paper scissors.

Aldis: We almost broke our ankles getting up this hill right there.

Rebecca: It was so- it was so steep.

Rogers: I’m trying to remember the rock paper scissors was in-

Chris: It was in Snow Job.

Rogers: It was in Snow Job. And that-

Rebecca: The very first one?

Rogers: That throw away that we gave you, the tell, has paid off in more scripts than I care to mention.

[Laughter]

Aldis: Yes, yes.

Rogers: That's one of those little bits where it's like, that's the fun of doing a TV show, is you get to do stuff over the course of a couple years.

Aldis: Beth once again in a suit, and I call it sexy Beth.

[Laughter]

Rogers: Sexy Beth in a suit.

Rebecca: I like it.

Rogers: Beth wears a suit well.

Aldis: She does.

Rogers: When she does the FBI thing, it's no wonder McSweeten has a crush on her.

Rebecca: Can't blame him.

Rogers: Yeah, there you go.

Chris: Let’s see. Oh, the old proverbial book.

Harrison: The old book out of the-

All: Ohhhhh!

Chris: I love that!

Harrison: Book sticking out gag.

Rebecca: We got so lucky with that. No, I think that the prop work in this back room was incredible, I think we had a really good-

Rogers: Now wait, did we build that wall? Or did some dude have a trap there? Cause I'm spooked now. 

Harrison: No that's a-

Rebecca: The actual wall itself? Was- no, I think that there was-

Harrison: That's a flap.

Chris: This was a beautifully dressed set.

Rebecca: Really well done.

Chris: Evil room of evil.

Aldis: It’s Dean's office, you don’t know-?

[Laughter]

Harrison: You don’t know anything about Dean, do you?

Rogers: This is not anything of a prop. This looks a lot like my garage, I gotta admit.

Aldis: A secret room back there where he keeps all his old scripts and everything.

Rogers: I’m not gonna lie, a lot of my office stuff is in there, a lot of conspiracy stuff. I mean that's- and you know, it's kind of interesting, there is a legitimate world to- there's a legitimate way to look at the world and realize, you know, that sometimes things are out of control, corporations have too much power, or the government has too much power. It's- because I kinda hang out in those- that place on the internet, it's very easy to see where it goes into crazytown. Like the line to crazytown is always right there.

Aldis: You realize you're telling on yourself, John. When you wanna go crazy in 10 years and blame it on-

Rogers: Dude, I assure you my browser history is on a CIA file somewhere; there's no way it's not.

[Laughter]

Aldis: I'm just saying.

Rogers: Clancy looking dubious.

Rebecca: We’re about to have-

Harrison: You’re a fan of the Jesse Ventura show, right?

Rogers: Exactly, Jesse knows what he's talking about.

Rebecca: I'm looking forward to the evil speech of evil on that. Such a good shot.

Chris: Clancy is riveting, even when he's reviewing documents.

[Laughter]

Harrison: You know, it's also the voice, you know? All he has to do- that voice is so booming and so authoritative.

Rogers: Yeah.

Rebecca: And actually that structure about the flag was also Christine Boyland's idea. She did the research on the history about that one, and I think it gave it a really nice touch.

Chris: She did, she did.

Rogers: But that's the fun thing about our writing staff, too. I mean, it's interesting. I have a lot of British friends that don't really use writing staff in England, and they're all kinda ‘gimme’ about it once they come and see how it works. Because when- Chris says this all the time, when you’re putting together a writing staff, you never know who knows something.

Aldis: Right.

Chris: Yeah.

Rogers: You know, you never know- like when we were writing the one- Boyland's episode about the lost [unintelligible]. 

Rebecca: Right, right.

Rogers: I'm the one who went and found that cause I had heard of some little thing about it. You know, everybody has some little bit of information they can throw into an episode. Everyone has a different fixation.

Rebecca: Absolutely. I really love the tension in this scene. I thought that they all really worked very well with each other.

Rogers: Well it's a bunch of good actors. I mean, that is fun. We were doing the commentary on the Double Blind Job and we were talking about how many of those scenes in that episode are just actors talking, and the writers were going to the director, Marc Roskin, “Wow, must be really tough to shoot these.” And he's like “No, these are my favorite!”

Harrison: Yeah exactly, when you've got that kind of talent to work with.

Aldis: Every scene with me, right. Got it. Good times.

Chris: Then you've got the tension of going on in the woods.

Rogers: Yeah.

Chris: And, you know, being able to- we needed to have a juxtaposition between a very sort of serene corporate environment and the woods, to make the woods pop.

Rebecca: Absolutely.

Chris: And again, the woods stuff here, I feel like is one of our more- most cinematic looks we've ever had in an episode.

Rebecca: All that rain made it the most beautiful.

[Laughter]

Rebecca: Truly it did! No, I really mean it!

Chris: Took one for the team!

Rebecca: It was incredible!

Aldis: All that rain, all that rain.

Harrison: I have to say for the writing table for everything else, the thing that I liked about this script and about the show in general, is you have a lot of heists and so forth, but you pay attention to detail. It doesn't feel like you really ask for too many gimmies in these shows.

Rogers: It's only ever one gimmie, every episode, that's all we allow ourselves. There's usually one fudge, you know, one-

Harrison: But that's what makes it fun.

Rogers: One ledger as we- yeah.

Rebecca: Ledger, orange box.

Rogers: No, most of these would work. I forget what one it was first year where Chris’ friend who worked in the US attorney's office, he called him to get advice about something.

Rebecca: Oh, that was great!

Rogers: Was it The Jury Job?

Chris: I think it was Jury Job.

Rogers: And he heard the thing, he went, “Well holy shit, that would work.”

[Laughter]

Rogers: Like yes!

Chris: ‘You're gonna broadcast this?’

Rogers: ‘Don’t- don’t tell people about this.’

Harrison: ‘Don't give people ideas!’

Rebecca: You need to get a lawyer.

Aldis: I feel these commentaries are more and more dangerous.

[Laughter]

Rogers: And now you're an accessory after the fact, Aldis.

Aldis: Dag gum!

Harrison: This is great, because we now know that the boys are in trouble out there. 

Chris: Yes.

Harrison: And it's really great on all the- everybody's part, the rest of the team. Which is why I think it's great that you kept the geography close, so that the team could be reunited at the end.

Chris: Yes, yes, that was-

Rebecca: Good point.

Harrison: So everybody’s together.

Chris: Now this the interesting thing- act three, for those of you aspiring writers out there, has always been a hard act. And it's a hard act in every show, cause it's the middle part of the show.

Harrison: Yeah.

Chris: And our act four is the short act, it’s always a lot of action. But act three, you know, we struggle to make sure that there's not running in place. This is one of my favorite act threes I think we've ever done, and it's so good that when we were at Comic Con and we had to show a piece of the episode upcoming episode, we showed all of act three.

Rogers: Yeah.

Aldis: Haha, I remember this scene.

[Laughter]

Aldis: Me and Christian went at it.

Rogers: You got rubbed on a lot. Christian stayed clean.

Rebecca: This was one of the most fun ad libs that I've ever seen. You two just- every take was different, every take was something golden. 

Harrison: Every take was different, yeah.

Aldis: It was such a good time.

Aldis: Well Christian and I- as soon as we got- we saw the script, we were both very excited because of the fact that- we saw the full opportunity to just go nuts. You know, Hardison and Eliot, they understand who they are and what they do and how they work with one another, and it was like alright we gotta go crazy, we gotta do us. When we saw this scene, I remember right before we shot I said “Christian, I’m- I’ve got something.” He's like “No no no-”

[Laughter]

Aldis: “Just do it man; just do it. And we- I’m gonna feed off of you.” I'm like, “Aight Kane, we got this.” So we came in and yeah, every time we did it we, you know, tried to throw something different.

Rebecca: Absolutely.

Aldis: Because it's fun for us, but it's fun for the audience as well.

Rebecca: And the crew was in hysterics the entire time. We had such a great afternoon that day, we really did.

Chris: Yeah, what was it? The hushpuppy? What was the-?

Rebecca: Oh yeah!

[Laughter]

Aldis: Oh, fish- catfish in biscuit.

Rebecca: Catfish!

Chris: Catfish in a biscuit?

Aldis: But the thing is we were provided with a great platform to do so, and that's all because of what you guys set up for us in the writers room, and what you did, Becky. So we appreciate that, because we had- we just had a ton of fun with this. Running around the woods. That's why we didn't complain - we were having so much fun.

Chris: Yeah, look at this, look at this shot.

Rogers: That's a great shot. That's again- and also it was one of the great payoffs is we established- again, on a throwaway in the airplane job, in the Mile High Job first season, how the comms work through the phones.

Rebecca: Right.

Harrison: Right.

Rogers: And that's what allowed us to have the plot twist where they got back into contact in act three. 

Harrison: Yup.

Rogers: It’s- thank god we have- actually Kirsch, up until this year, her job was to pay attention to that stuff.

Harrison: And it's great cause they're out of contact here, and everybody- that really has got good suspense in this act. Because nobody knows what happened.

Rebecca: Exactly.

[Laughter]

Rogers: Whose idea was that?

Chris: I think Michael Colton and John Aboud had the scary cat photo.

Rogers: Yeah, I think that was their thing.

Rebecca: That was most definitely their idea.

Harrison: I didn't even know what that was until I saw that.

Chris: And there was that thing where we could have easily had them- story-wise, had the two guys find a train, right? 

Rogers: Yeah.

Chris: And a train runs through the woods. And I think it was a big development that- what if we- how do you hack a train to get a train to them? And that gave us-

Rebecca: Without Hardison.

Chris: Yeah without Hardison, without any of the, you know, without any of the computer stuff. How do you do it over the phone? And that gave the third act some real, some real juice. Cause it gives them a mission back in the corporate world.

Rogers: Well it’s-

Aldis: And they made us climb a tree.

Chris: You had to climb a tree?

Aldis: Yes.

Rebecca: I think that was our first shot of the episode, if I'm not mistaken. I think that was- again, with the rain, it was definitely a little bit of a precarious climb, it was about 10 to 15 feet off the ground on the great rig that they had set up, and you guys were troopers.

Aldis: Yeah, we didn't really have to climb all the way up, but it was fun.

Rogers: Well it's hard because every episode- it begins with a con and has a heist somewhere in the middle. And this was one of those ones where it ends with a con, so the heist of the train is that spot.

Chris: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rogers: And it’s- when you develop the template for the show, the template for the show will often save you.

Chris: Yeah.

Rogers: Yeah, it's like, “Well what do we do here?” “Well what do we usually do here?” 

Chris: Right.

Rogers: You know, some different variation on it. It's a lovely color on her.

Aldis: It brings out the rosiness of her cheeks.

[Laughter]

Rogers: It's one of those things where, unless you're looking at a 40 foot screen you never really notice.

Chris: And we had a great actress playing the depot-

Rebecca: Oh, Kit Koenig.

[Laughter]

Rebecca: She did- she gave a heck of an audition.

Harrison: We let her go a little overboard, it was-

[Laughter]

Rogers: It was great!

Harrison: It was fun, yeah.

Rebecca: She had so much fun with that. And, you know, unfortunately we were in a great rush that afternoon, and she had, I think, one take for every thing. And she- spot on every time, and we were very grateful for that, because she did a great job.

Harrison: We got a rock slide!

Aldis: Also a local actress.

Chris: Also a local Portland actress.

Rebecca: Yes, yes indeed.

Harrison: And this is great production design, too, because we had very little room to do this; this is a tiny little two wall set in the studio.

Chris: Oh, looks fantastic.

Rogers: Oh, seriously?

Rebecca: We had about 10 minutes there.

Harrison: Yeah we had one way, and one the other way. And that's basically- the graphics and everything else we made it work.

Aldis: You built that yourself with your own two hands. right?

Harrison: I did.

Aldis: Yes

Harrison: It was one of my jobs as a director: build the set.

Rogers: Hewed the set from the woods that you ran through.

Rebecca: And Chris, I knew you were a huge fan of the monitors behind her. You were very specific about what you wanted in that. I hope you were happy with it, because I think Derek Frederickson did a really great job on that.

Chris: They did a great job.

Rogers: Yeah Derek- he's the fifth Beatle. Derek is-

Harrison: He is the fifth Beatle.

[Laughter]

Rogers: He’s- man the computer graphic stuff he gives us. Because again we have so much pipe, so much exposition to get on this show.

Harrison: And he does it so fast!

Rogers: Yeah.

Harrison: You can ask him for something, and he goes off and has it in an hour!

Rogers: Here's the first appearance of the train.

Chris: Yeah, but was this stock footage?

Rebecca: That was stock; that one shot was stock.

Chris: We asked the stock guy, “We need a shot of a train going across a- something changing the direction of the train.”

Harrison: A switch.

Chris: A switch, yeah.

Rebecca: It took a few days, but he got it, and I think it worked very well.

Chris: Looked great.

Harrison: I think the only interference here with the stock footage is I think Franco put in a- the switch changing.

Chris: Oh yes, yes.

Harrison: From red to green.

Rebecca: Oh is that what it was? Was that not there previously?

Harrison: Yeah.

Chris: Oh here we go.

[Laughter]

Rogers: The interesting thing about the train is it's one of those things that we had talked about doing for ages, it's like, well it's ridiculous and expensive. We can’t-

Rebecca: There's no way we can do it.

Rogers: And then it turns out this guy owns a train line up there. He let us use his train. This was a real train!

Harrison: Yeah, this was unbelievable.

Rogers: This was unbelievable.

Chris: And look at this shot! This was a movie shot right here.

Rogers: This was a giant shot.

Aldis: That was fun.

Rogers: And here comes the train.

Harrison: Reminds me of Stand by Me, or something.

Rebecca: That's exactly what I was thinking, yeah.

Rogers: What's cool is what happened was that Amtrak was closing down the local line, and there's an obscure federal law that says they have to offer up the rail at cost.

Harrison: Really?

Rogers: To someone to buy it before they can rip out and destroy it. 

Rebecca: I didn't know that.

Rogers: A local rail enthusiast who had been in the business, who had been in a different part of the steel business, bought it. Kept the trains and now does like the last mile run. 

Rebecca: Wow.

Rogers: So he's turned this thing the government couldn't use into this incredibly profitable local train route. And he was kind enough to- because he's a local Portland guy, and a big booster of the area, is kind enough to let us use his trains. So trains went from-

Chris: Here's the- this is the smug militia guy, and I love the ending of this scene that you guys have.

Harrison: Yeah, right there.

[Laughter]

Rogers: Boom!

Aldis: Get outta here!

Rebecca: I think a lot of people were shocked at the ferocity of that, the sound effect of the kick is really strong, it's a great moment.

Harrison: Yeah, it was a good mixing job.

Rebecca: Yeah.

Rogers: This is a tough scene. Actually, I remember talking about this. 

Harrison: Yeah.

Rogers: This is the decision point. Because you don't want to make it look like Eliot wants to bail on people in danger.

Rebecca: Right.

Harrison: Yeah.

Rogers: But you have to make clear is he's trying to keep Hardison alive.

Chris: Yeah.

Rogers: That's his priority, and he'll come back and deal with this later. And probably leave an unspeakable number of bodies in the ground.

Aldis: Yeah, exactly.

Rogers: This to a great degree is- to me, it's always something that they will do and never talk about. Like they don’t- they didn't even really tell the rest of the team what they wound up doing in the woods.

Harrison: Not until after it was done.

Rebecca: Yeah.

Rogers: Yeah, exactly. It's one of my favorite scenes this year.

Harrison: But then Hardison has this great argument.

Rogers: Yeah.

Harrison: About why-

Rogers: How did you kinda dig in on this?

[Silence]

Aldis: Oh, I thought you were asking about-

Rogers: No, yeah, you.

Aldis: Oh, I actually loved the argument there. The statement, you know, and what it showed overall was challenging because when I first read it, I was kinda like where is Eliot coming from with his-? Cause usually he's the gung ho guy that’s all about, ‘Hey, let’s go handle it now.’ But he was doing his best to preserve what he knew, first. And which was his teammate. But we both still were on the same page with- sacrificing our own welfare for the better- you know, for the lives of everybody else, because that gets back down to the base foundation of what the team does is: we we put ourselves out there to make sure everybody else at home can sleep better at night. Or at least we try to. But I thought that was a very commanding moment for both characters, because-

Harrison: Definitely.

Aldis: It put- it pushed- I mean they both could have just hopped on the train. It pushed their- I’d say their potential for growth, in a hopefully different direction.

Rogers: Oh you're talking-

Harrison: It's a nice role reversal, too, cause you'd imagine Christian saying, ‘I'm the one to go- let’s go kick ass’, and Aldis saying-

Aldis: Hardison’s like, ‘No.’

Harrison: ‘No, we’ll come back later.’

Aldis: Exactly.

Rogers: You can imagine 15 years ago on some battlefield, Eliot having that conversation with his commanding officer.

Chris: Right.

Rogers: You know, from the other side.

Harrison: Yeah, from the other side.

Rogers: Yeah, that was an important character beat. It’s- we talk about- you talk about protagonists in fiction a lot, and my favorite heroes are not the heroes who are probably gonna pull it off, it's the heroes who are fairly sure they're not gonna be able to get out of this alive.

Harrison: But they'll do it for anyone.

Rogers: But they're gonna do it anyway. That, to me, is a hero. And that's where those guys really stepped on it.

Chris: That was another kind of moment in the script development that we came sorta late. You know, I think in the room we wanted to make sure that there was that decision point. Cause, you know, the team so often goes to these saving people.

Rogers: Yeah.

Chris: That we sometimes miss a decision point moment like that.

Rebecca: No, it's a good point.

Rogers: Yeah, these are not- these are people who don't have to do this.

Chris: Right.

Rogers: You know, and because you're in the template and you’re kinda watching it every week, you start to accept it. And it's nice to remind the audience, and nice- you don't wanna remind the audience like you're nagging, but more like reinforce the contract with the audience, that you are watching people who are worth your time.

Harrison: And I like the jeopardy for our characters, here. I mean two of the team might not make it. 

Aldis: Yeah.

Rogers: And this was-

Aldis: This was the- the rest of this was-

Rogers: I actually was up directing, I came down for like the last bit, and Chris is like, ‘Alright, the script’s done, but we need your Boy Scout bullshit.’

[Laughter]

Rebecca: Actual Boy Scout.

Chris: I said, ‘Look, I'm not an Eagle Scout; there's only one Eagle Scout in the Executive Producer ranks.’

Rogers: Get there and give us-

Chris: ‘Come on, give me something.’ 

Rogers: Yeah.

Chris: ‘I'm from Queens.’

[Laughter]

Aldis: I got to chop some wood.

Chris: And we talked about this, this is the Home Alone sequence.

[Laughter]

Chris: Let’s be honest.

Rogers: Well it's a weird mix of Rambo and Home Alone.

Harrison: It’s right there.

Rebecca: I think that was one of the things that I was told to watch before writing this one. Go watch Home Alone.

Chris: Go watch Home Alone.

Rogers: A lot of the fun-

Harrison: I think Jackass stole a gag from this episode.

Rogers: I think they did, actually.

Harrison: The hand thing.

Rebecca: Oh, very good point.

Harrison: Comes right from Aldis.

Rebecca: Just a quick note, the elevator that Beth is in during this is actually another two wall set that she had a lot of fun with.

Harrison: Yeah.

Rebecca: Remember that one? That was also, I believe, our last day right before we went to the- to Marissa's house.

Harrison: This was insane because we were jumping from scene to scene, from the beginning to the end of the script, to this location to that location, just- that’s television putting out all the pieces.

Chris: I didn't like the pace of this, John.

Rogers: Fast enough for you?

Harrison: Oh god. Actually, you know, there's something really appealing about it, because you could- you never have time to sit and agonize over it. You know how to do it, and if you get it done you- at the end of the day, you say, ‘Actually, I know how to do this,’ and you can see it relatively quickly.

Rogers: That's a lovely little three shot. 

Aldis: It is, yeah.

Rogers: The- and that's also a four story building, that's the fun of that.

Harrison: Oh yeah.

Rogers: It's like, you know, you're watching the elevator tick down, and you're trying to make it look giant, and it's four stories. You could hop off the roof and maybe twist an ankle.

[Laughter]

Chris: Great Hitler hair on him by the way.

[Laughter]

Rebecca: Our friend Garland Lyons.

Harrison: Nice and greasy.

Rogers: I was really looking for that.

Aldis: His look brought a lot to the character.

Chris: It really did! He showed up with his hair looking like Hitler.

[Laughter]

Rogers: This was not- also good, cause this was a speech based on a friend of mine who had been in the service, who talked about like when he'd actually seen the little- and you know talking, and some of the stuff he had said, he’s actually passed away now unfortunately, and he’s- it was nice to be able to put some of his stuff in this. Cause this was- this is the way he talked about it. Like, you know, you just- there's no such thing as being prepared. 

Harrison: Right.

Rogers: You're just scared and fast.

Harrison: And hope that your skills will get you through.

Rogers: Yeah, exactly.

Rebecca: We had a lot of fun with Kevin Jackson here and all of the fight choreography. This was- and I think the music, which unfortunately, as we’re watching we can't hear right now, the music is really good in the montage.

Rogers: The Joe LoDuca score on this is-

Harrison: Yeah, Joe LoDuca.

Rebecca: This is a really fantastic moment. It has that moment of being very tense because you don't know if they're gonna make it, but at the same time it's very playful. I think it's a little bit of a turning point where we realized that our characters are going to be ok, because they are who they are, and they made this decision. So it kinda has that fun moment to it as well as being tense.

Rogers: Christian filled with rage, by the way, he wasn’t allowed to emerge from the lake. 

[Laughter]

Chris: There we go!

Harrison: Jackass, eat your heart out!

Rogers: And “Science, it works”? 

Harrison: Yeah, that's great.

Rebecca: Yeah beautiful.

Harrison: Great line.

Rogers: “Science; it works, bitches.” That is an xkcd track.

Rebecca: And we do love them in the writers room.

Rogers: We do love xkcd.

Aldis: It works, bitches!

Rebecca: We need a Penny Arcade reference in there somewhere, maybe season 4?

Rogers: I think we got a Penny Arcade reference.

Rebecca: Did I miss it?

Rogers: I don't know; we’ll have to check. 

Rebecca: Ooh, that’s rough.

Rogers: We love our Penny Arcade boys. If I could get an Order of the Stick in there I'd be happy, but I think that's too obscure, even for us.

Rebecca: That's a little obscure.

Chris: Now the bad guy’s rushing to get his illicit funds out of the bank.

Harrison: This was another wonderful local actor-

Rebecca: Jerry Basham.

Harrison: Who- almost something out of like those 1940s movies, you know?

[Laughter]

Rogers: He's like one of those great character actors-

Harrison: Yeah, exactly.

Rebecca: He did a great job, he really did.

Rogers: Put on my killing hat.

Harrison: ‘Oh yes sir, yes sir. I’ll help you, right away sir.’

Rebecca: And we haven't mentioned Gavin Hoffman, who I think did a really great job.

Aldis: Oh yeah, he’s another local actor, yeah.

Harrison: The militia guy.

Rebecca: Yeah, absolutely wonderful to work with, a real pleasure. And he- I think he really brought a lot to it, we had a lot of fun.

Harrison: And he's not as nasty as he looks;

Chris: And not nasty, right?

Rebecca: No, he’s a perfect gentleman.

Aldis: Very brave, he's a good guy, great guy.

Rogers: Well you see, Christian got hit there, Aldis; we didn't hit you in that scene.

[Laughter]

Aldis: Yeah see uh huh, cause for a minute I was getting my butt whupped consistently.

[Laughter]

Rogers: Well, they were gonna shoot you first. They're gonna kick his ass, and shoot you first.

Aldis: Exactly, see, now the guns are still on me!

Harrison: Now here's where the cigarette pays off.

Chris: Nothing goes to waste.

Rebecca: And we had a lot of fun- no exactly, every part of the buffalo, as we say in the writers room.

Chris: Every part of the buffalo.

Rebecca: During this, actually we filmed this scene up in Camp Collins in Gresham and it was owned by- the land was owned by the YMCA and all the members of the YMCA at camp were standing on a hill overlooking the explosion. They couldn't have been more excited to see the pyrotechnics; it was a lot of fun.

Aldis: They claimed they wanted to make sure a tree didn't burn down.

Rebecca: Oh I'm sure, absolutely.

Aldis: But they just wanted to see a fireball.

Chris: There's nothing better for YMCA kids to learn than how to make a makeshift bomb.

Rogers: Yes, exactly!

[Laughter]

Harrison: Yes, exactly.

Rebecca: I think it was off season.

Rogers: An improvised explosive device.

Rebecca: There weren’t any kids at the camp when it exploded, how about that.

Aldis: The big yellow Hummer, that’s just great.

Harrison: I loved staging this scene, because you could really play with the idea that it was just him putting the briefcase down. And it was just a matter of him forgetting his keys, and so we shot in a bunch of different angles, just to misdirect.

Rogers: Yeah.

Aldis: Well it's again- it was raining through this entire scene.

Rebecca: Did we mention that yet? I wasn't sure, I’m sorry.

Aldis: Did we mention the rain?

Rogers: Oh man.

Rebecca: I seem to have forgotten.

Aldis: It's damn near pouring, but you can't see it.

Rogers: You can see it a little bit there, see way back deep. 

Aldis: Yeah, a little.

Rogers: High five for morale.

Chris: High five for morale, that's another-

Aldis: And I love the fact that when we shot this scene three, four, five, times-

Chris: Well now you can see it. Now you can see it.

Aldis: And we all had to lay down on the wet ground.

Rebecca: Multiple, multiple, times.

Aldis: Multiple times, roll around in the mud, get comfortable it's like, ‘Oh, awesome.’

Rebecca: And the sun was setting at this point as well, so it was getting even colder.

Aldis: It was getting a lot colder, especially when your entire outfit was wet.

[Laughter]

Rogers: You know, sometimes in the writers room our lunch is up to 10 minutes late.

[Laughter]

Rebecca: I blame myself for that, by the way, I really do.

Chris: Sometimes they don't bring your side dish and your day is ruined.

Rogers: Oh I hate when the bread is stale.

Rebecca: They don't bring soy sauce with the sushi, you can't eat the sushi.

Aldis: Oh right, right, right.

Rogers: I like how Nate, actually, from a writing standpoint Nate bombs is like, ‘I, too, am in the woods.’ ‘No, you haven't been in the woods!’ 

[Laughter]

Aldis: Right!

Rogers: ‘You've been hanging out in gym! We've been getting our ass kicked!’

Rebecca: You're nice and dry.

Rogers: If you think about it, really, MacGyver's the spiritual godfather of this episode.

[Laughter]

Rebecca: Yeah, without a doubt.

Chris: Yeah.

Rogers: I always see Hardison as a slightly more hack-heavy McGyver.

[Laughter]

Rogers: When we do the remake you'll be- would you play that for me?

Aldis: I shall.

Chris: Now here's a classic Leverage move of turning the bad guys against each other.

Harrison: Yeah.

Rebecca: And not only two bad guys, but a full militia immediately turns. I enjoyed that.

Rogers: Well it was- there was one moment we were talking about it, like, would people fall for that? I'm like, ‘They are paranoid people! They're so paranoid they literally live in the woods!’

Rebecca: They live in the woods!

Rogers: If anyones gonna fall for this-

Chris: Now in an early version, he was chased through the woods by his own men. 

Rogers: Yes.

Chris: Which was-

Rebecca: And the bloodhounds.

Chris: Which was the poetic justice, but I think this worked out great.

Rogers: They also- the networks like, ‘So is he brutally gunned down and buried in a shallow grave?’

[Laughter]

Rogers: ‘Yeah probably. Should we not do the burying a shallow grave ending?’

Rebecca: Fine.

Harrison: Yeah, but this is more fun.

Chris: This is more fun.

Aldis: And yeah.

Harrison: I mean, look, he opens up the case and its like what the- 

Chris: Yeah.

Rogers: There's nothing, the case flip was fun, that was a lot of fun.

Rebecca: Yeah.

Rogers: No it’s- and it's tricky, too, because we read an awful lot about manipulation, NLP, how con artists work, so a lot of the time we forget how to explain just how you sort of profile people, and pick to them how they, you know, what they are susceptible to.

Harrison: Well isn't the whole thing about a con about giving people confidence?

Rogers: Well also giving them what they want, and-

Harrison: Yeah, exactly.

Rogers: And ironically, what military people want is to be important enough for the government to come get them. What they want is for the conspiracy theory to be validated, because you don't want to be a crazy person.

Harrison: Yeah.

Rogers: So ironically, the unbelievable thing to us that we would hear on the radio, which is the feds are coming to get us, is a validation of their world view and they are more likely to buy it. Now go back and watch the episode.

[Laughter]

Rogers: No, he's great. Clancy- and Clancy really manages to walk into, ‘I’m not a coward, but I realize this is about to go very badly for me.’

Harrison: Yeah, yeah.

Rebecca: He knows when it's time to back off.

Rogers: Yeah, it's a beautiful performance, ‘I may have gotten myself some crazy people.’

[Laughter]

Harrison: Yeah, ‘What would really happen if I had to be in charge and these were my- this was my army? I'd be in trouble!’

Rogers: Yeah, that is the problem with getting yourself a militia. They're highly motivated and they are not trustworthy.

Chris: That's a great three shot, too, right there.

Rebecca: Does some crazy things, too.

Rogers: That is a great shot.

Harrison: I like that shot.

Rogers: Pop, pop, pop, right down the line, nicely done. That's actually Troy pulling focus like a fiend.

Aldis: Is that actually Troy?

Harrison: Well that's the thing about this crew, you could never do this show on this schedule, with this kind of detail, without a crew like that.

Chris: And look at that guy with the beard in the background. 

Rebecca: Did you love him? 

Chris: You don't wanna see that guy pulling up in front of your bank.

[Laughter]

Rebecca: No. And this-

Chris: If you're there to open your passbook savings account, its that-

Rogers: Get your kid his first savings account.

Chris: Yeah, you wanna go down there and you see that guy in front in full camo, you really wanna go, ‘Come back Wednesday.’

Rebecca: Exactly. This was particularly I think challenging-

Chris: There he is.

Rebecca: -scene as far as the blocking goes.

Harrison: Definitely was.

Rebecca: Because we had the action side, we had the reveal inside of the FBI agents. Not only was there action going on out in the parking lot, but you actually had to see it with the timing correctly in order to know what was going on. And it was- just with the vast number of extras that were going on, and the difficult blocking inside with this center table, maybe you can speak more about that, John, it worked very well.

Harrison: Well you had to do it efficiently, otherwise at this point in the thing, you would have really, the show would’ve dragged. If you- how do they get in there, where's the FBI waiting for them, and everything, so we had to shorthand a lot of that but I think it works.

Aldis: Oh it’s great.

Rebecca: I think it worked really well. And at the end we actually were- we were concerned because of time, I think also because of the blocking in the parking lot, that we wouldn't get our hero shots. Not only did we get them, but I think they're gorgeous.

Harrison: I think they're- yeah, sure.

Rebecca: Absolutely fantastic.

Harrison: Here's another three coming up with everybody joining, and here comes Nate, and and then- 

Rogers: Yeah, and step into the background.

Harrison: Stepping in and seeing each other, all the recognition.

Rogers: By the way, in the Leverage-verse, that cute brunette FBI agent works on Taggart and McSweeten’s task force.

[Laughter]

Rogers: In the Leverage-verse they actually work with Sterling in Interpol tracking down international criminals. This is a whole different show that you just don't see going on in the background.

[Laughter]

Aldis: Look at all those colors.

Harrison: And I like this resolution where this woman hasn't had a job, so what the team does is they give her one.

Rogers: Yeah.

Aldis: Yeah.

Chris: Yeah, it's a little unusual but, you know, it's a lot of time we give them the check, but this seemed like it made more sense with the episode.

Harrison: I think it's very satisfying.

Rogers: Well it's about- kicky hat. It's about setting, you know, people wanna work, people wanna set the world right themselves. 

Chris: Yes.

Rogers: So if you empower people- and this was.

Harrison: I loved this.

Rebecca: We had so much fun with this one, yeah.

Rogers: Really great ending, yeah.

Harrison: Did you come up with this, Becky?

Rebecca: Oh I'm a video game fan. I think we may have come up with that in the room, but I'm glad that it worked out, and I think that- I did actually not know that the Nintendo Wii reels were in existence, and I- they look damn fantastic.

Harrison: Aldis and Christian just did such a great job with this.

Chris: Yeah, I like that you committed with the boots.

Rogers: The boots!

Harrison: Yeah yeah.

Rebecca: Exactly, exactly.

Harrison: With the umbrella.

Aldis: Not something I would do in real life.

[Laughter]

Rogers: The disappointment, just the brutal disappointment .

Rebecca: Absolute distaste for this.

Harrison: It's just not the same.

[Laughter]

Harrison: And then it's better!

Rogers: It makes me laugh every time.

Chris: It's better!

[Laughter]

Harrison: It's a good episode.

Rogers: And just looking at him, he's winding the thing. You know, we had this great bonding moment in the woods, and now he’s playing with his fishing pole.

[Laughter]

Rogers: And that's The Gone Fishin’ Job! Amazing job!

Aldis: Let's go!

Rebecca: Yeah, nice job everybody.

Chris: Great job.

Rogers: A big thanks to our director John Harrison, our writer Becky Kirsch, and Aldis Hodge you got- I think you mention you got rained on?

Aldis: Just a bit.

Chris: A little bit.

Aldis: Just for those who don’t know, Jesus created rain in Portland.

[Laughter]

Rogers: I think that's, theologically, a little dense. I think we're out.

Chris: That- well.

Aldis: I'm just saying.

Rogers: Stay tuned for another episode coming up!

[glowingbadger]

Hi it’s me, crawling through the window. Would it be possible to get a crumb of arranged marriage w/ Hubert? His line w/ Dorothea about being willing to get married for politics sake has fueled my brain rot for him.

Good God I need to secure my windows-

I mean HELLO FRIEND ANON YES IT WOULD BE MY PLEASURE

Lol actually though, I have been thinking about this for Hubie since we all started chatting about that arranged marriage stuff! I think it's a perfect concept for him~

This like... got weird while I was writing it though?? Idk man hahaha it ended up on the less-spicy side of what I usually write, and with some very weird dialogue in places... Idk, I hope y'all like it. Maybe if there's interest, I'll follow this up eventually with a more smut-focused piece?

I've been traveling and working so much lately that I just don't even know what writing is anymore or how it works hahaha

TW: A brief mention of non-con

Hubert (FE3H) x Reader ("wife," neutral pronouns)

Arranged Marriage - semi spicy i guess?

"Frankly, he's a pain," Linhardt must be able to see your surprise and confusion written across your face. He goes on, "He's reliable and capable, of course, but also the most persistent nag you'll ever meet. Actually, no-" he glances upward as though to cross reference his own thoughts, "No, her Majesty is worse. But Hubert is a close second to be sure. Always on and on about sleep schedules and proper nutrition and etiquette..." He sighs and closes the massive tome on his lap, as though to close the conversation with it, "frankly, he's an insufferable mother hen. Does that help?"

"Well, it's... Not what I expected," you admit with a shrug, "but thank you all the same."

~

It's been several weeks since the papers binding you in marriage to Hubert Von Vestra had been signed- and this alone had sufficed. No ceremony, no grand ball, just paperwork and a handshake with your father. A handshake that ensured that, even under the Empire's unification, he would maintain nominal control over his considerable portion of land, and in return, would swear absolute loyalty to her Majesty. It was a beneficial arrangement for all parties, and you were not ignorant to the part you played. You were hardly even a bargaining chip- moreso, a hostage.

Your new husband had made no secret of what manner of harm may befall you if your family were to renege on their deal. Fortunately, you know your father to be a reliable coward, so you have no reason to believe he would be bold enough to step out of line.

Hubert Von Vestra is a terrifying man. A zealously loyal man of storied cruelty and a frigid disposition. His frame looms over you whenever he's near, and though he's hardly placed a finger on you since you'd been given over to him, his mere presence is... arresting. There's a sort of charisma to him that's equal parts frightening and fascinating. Perhaps it's madness brought on by your circumstances, but you can't help wanting to glimpse just the slightest bit into that brilliant, ever churning mind.

Unsurprisingly, he has been resistant to your attempts to understand him. He hardly indulges you in small talk, and if you were the paranoid sort, you'd think he intentionally makes himself busy when you're around. Eventually, perhaps out of sheer stubbornness, you'd settled on a routine of bringing coffee to his study adjoined to your bedroom in the evenings. He'd been visibly surprised the first time. It wasn't until the fourth night that he'd given a curt "thank you." About two weeks in, he'd actually sat back in his chair and laid down his quill pen to receive the cup from your hands. After a month, he'd leveled his narrow gaze at you and said,

"I cannot begin to fathom what satisfaction you glean from playing 'maid' to me."

"Well, I, uhm," you hadn't expected him to address you so directly, but you managed to say, "You... work so hard, I wanted to do something for you, I suppose."

His expression is inscrutable as he replies,

"You are aware that my work was much the same before you arrived."

"I am," you say softly, "But- all the same..." you trail off, and Hubert seems content to let the matter rest. And so you leave him be amidst his reports and correspondence, coffee at his side on the desk. Yet for as unproductive as your exchange might have seemed, it does leave you with an idea. The thought to learn about the man from those who knew him long before your arrival at the capitol.

~

Your investigation into the true character of your husband does not stop with Linhardt. In fact, his testimony only leaves you with further questions. But perhaps the others would say otherwise; perhaps the United Empire's most up and coming crest scholar simply inspires maternal behavior. This has to be the case- you simply can't imagine that the notoriously ruthless heir of the even more notorious Vestra lineage would be so... Doting.

And yet the more you learn of him, the more contradictory he seems.

Caspar's take is much like Linhardt's- a picture of a man far closer to a school marm than any assassin or master of torture. Ferdinand seems both smitten and incensed by him, oscillating wildly between the two. Then eventually, to your shock, Bernadetta takes the initiative to speak to you about Hubert of her own accord.

"I'm, uh, really so-sorry to bother you!" she approaches with arms drawn close to her chest and eyes resolutely avoiding yours, "I- I just heard that you were... asking about Hubert, so, I, uh..."

It takes some time to prompt her further. You assure her again and again- no, this isn't intrusive at all- yes, you'd very much like to hear her perspective- no, you're not mad at her. In truth, you're endlessly intrigued about what a gentle soul like Bernadetta would have to say about a man feared across the continent. Finally, she manages,

"He's... actually really kind!" she blurts out, as though the words would abandon her if she gave them the window of opportunity. Your eyebrows raise slightly.

"You think so..?"

"Yes, completely-!" she stammers, "I know he's super, super scary, and powerful and spooky and cold and, uh, all of that. But still," her voice falters as she continues, "He only scolds people when they do something dangerous. And he only hurts people to protect others. I... I know he's done some te-terrible things. But... he's always been nice to Bernie," finally, she meets your eyes with an imploring look in hers, "So, uh, I'm really grateful to him. And I think it would be really nice for someone to reach out to him. If... if that's not too weird or anything. For you."

You smile warmly and nod,

"Thank you, Bernadetta. I know it can't be easy for you to come to me with all of this, but... I'd like to try, if I can."

The opportunity doesn't come in the way you expect.

At first, it seems the night will proceed like many others before. You bring a cup of coffee to your husband's desk, setting it down quietly so as to not disturb him. He's silent, but this is common enough, so you head back to the bedroom to undress for the evening. All nights prior, he would lay beside you long after you'd settled in, then rise to resume work in the morning before you woke up- all the while never allowing your bodies to interact in any way.

Tonight, just as you're about to close the door to Hubert's study behind you, long fingers catch around your wrist, visibly startling you.

It's the most physical contact you've had to-date, but he only says,

"One moment."

You whip around to face him, a touch of anxiety evident in your eyes. It's clear in his own that he notices, but if anything, he only seems amused. He steps forward, his taller frame menacing you as he speaks,

"I understand that you have been busying yourself with some manner of investigation as of late."

It takes a moment for his meaning to reach you. When it does, your face burns and you can't bring yourself to meet his scrutinizing gaze,

"Oh, uhm..."

"I assure you, my dearest wife," he says with barely concealed venom, "anything that I do not wish for you to know will be kept from you. Aside from which, your efforts thus far have proven amateurish at best."

Something seems off about his tone. You could understand if he felt uncomfortable or hesitant about your efforts to learn about him, but this seems far more grave, more... business-like. He steps towards you once more, and you step back in turn. Yet before long, you feel your legs bump the edge of the bed. A gloved hand trails a fingertip down your jawline to your chin, then urges you to look up at him.

"Whatever you are planning, my dear, I promise it will be fruitless. You had best rethink how you spend your days before your actions bring you to harm."

"No, I-" your brow creases deeply, your face burns, your body burns hotter and you don't want to consider why, "I've just been trying to learn about you as a person, nothing else. We're- we're married, after all, so..."

He gives an abrupt, dry laugh.

"Ah, so I am to believe that you've been interrogating my allies out of some misguided affection, is that it?"

"Hubert, just listen to me!" for a moment, you feel bolstered, defiant, and you straighten your posture, "You won't tell me the first thing about you- the only way to learn so much as your favorite color is to ask someone who's known you for a decade!"

Briefly, he does seem to consider your words. But his eventual reply is as aloof as any prior,

"If you're no spy or politician, then you're worse- a fool." he says, and before you can respond, he's seized both of your wrists and pushed you back onto the bed. For a moment, the room spins and your voice leaves you. A shrewd eye watches you with cruel condescension as he pins you against the sheets.

"I should think that you'd be well aware what I'm capable of," he nearly whispers, "I personally ensured that the rumors spread through your father's territory and further still. Do you think that anyone would even dare lift a finger to help you if I chose to seek retribution for this recent behavior?" He draws nearer, his grip tighter at your wrists, "Perhaps as punishment, I'll simply take my pleasure from you by force."

Your lips tighten, you take a breath. Then, meeting his gaze directly, you reply,

"You won't."

His visible eye narrows.

"And what evidence do you have to prompt such unfounded confidence? Perhaps you have crafted a flattering falsehood of me in your mind," a mocking smirk curls his lips, "Am I a misunderstood sentimental sort to you, then? A sad, lonely man for you to save?"

You scowl, though you suspect it looks more like a pout to him.

"I don't know what I think of you yet- not completely. But I don't pity you like that, and I don't think you're sad or lonely. I know you're not."

For the first time, it seems that you've caught him off guard. That frigid mask falters for just a moment, and you go on before he can replace it,

"You're surrounded by people who care about you. I've seen it for myself. Whatever you've had to do in the service of your ideals- it hasn't kept the people around you from wanting to know and understand you, even if it's despite you."

Hubert is silent for a moment. His gaze bores into you like he thinks he'll discover some hidden layer if he can just keep digging. Then, he sighs,

"How did I ever become bound to such a troublesome spouse..."

When you wrest your arms from his grasp, his hands fall away with little resistance, and you think that perhaps he had never truly intended to keep you in place by force to begin with. He moves to leave the bed, but your fists find the front of his clothing and tug him back down to you.

You press your lips to his without hesitation, and you can feel him inhale sharply, his entire body rigid above you. His lips are surprisingly soft, his scent like coffee and old parchment, and though your heart threatens to burst from your chest, you hold firmly to him by his clothes. Near imperceptibly, he leans down against you, and your fear, along with any remaining doubts, begin to dissolve. Knowing he won't pull away, you let your hands relax against him, running up his chest where you can feel his own pulse pounding. It's so human, so entirely reasonable and normal. Now, at last, Hubert Von Vestra is merely a man of flesh and bone.

Your tongue meets his naturally, your lips parting in time with his as your kiss deepens to a fevered pace. One hand reaches that sharp, handsome jawline, reveling in the erotic sensation of his mouth moving against yours. And yet, all the while, his hands remain staunchly on the bed beside you. He doesn't touch you- doesn't even let his body meet yours.

It's impossible to tell whether passion or madness drives you to bring your teeth to his lower lip, a single insistent bite communicating desire mounting faster than you can contain. And for a moment, you sense something new; a sound catches in Hubert's throat, a reaction he fights to stifle. Then, he pulls away. His pale skin is tinted a rare shade of pink, and his hair is ruffled out of place enough to reveal both narrowed eyes. His cloak has spilled around his frame to surround you both, and somewhere in your frazzled mind, you imagine that you're caught in some beautiful, velvet-lined trap.

"I- must... return to my work." Hubert says stiffly. He pushes up from you and turns away, leaving you still flustered on the bed behind him. You sit upright, holding your arms tight around your body as you watch him straighten his hair and clothes.

"You, uhm..." your face reddens still as you search for the right words, "you could... join me in bed, if you liked."

Hubert turns to the door of his study, speaking without daring to even glance your way,

"Anything that you offer to me now will be born from the impulse to survive. I have been bargained with before." His shoulders slack just slightly, his voice low and sober, "The proudest nobleman will even sell off his own child to a monster if he feels it will spare him its teeth."

You open your mouth to protest, then shut it without a word. You feel that you know your mind and heart, even in this moment, but you lack the words to convince a man like this. In a feeble attempt, you murmur,

"You don't frighten me, Hubert. Not anymore."

He half turns toward you, though his hand remains on the handle of his study door.

"You yourself said that you do not know what you think of me," he says, "As such, I will not lay a hand on you until the day that you do."

You stare down at your hands in your lap, barely registering the sound of the door clicking shut as he leaves you in the bedroom. No matter how you try to sort out your tangled thoughts, the memory of his lips on yours won't leave them. If anything, it eclipses any sense of reason, standing resolutely in the way of your path to clarity. Letting out a groaning sigh, you fall onto your back on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling as if it could offer you any advice.

What do I think about my own husband? You wonder, the thought nearly enough to make you laugh. Well for one, he's a pain.

[court-of-forever-undone]

I Knew You’d Come Back to Me

Chapter Two: Slept next to her, but I dreamt of you (Cardan’s POV)

Summary:  While homesick and heartbroken in the mortal world, Jude finds a pile of letters on her doorstep that include an official pardon and a love confession from Cardan. What is supposed to be a happy reunion quickly falls apart when Jude is told Cardan has returned to Nicasia in her absence. 

Cardan is determined to make it up to Jude. 

**This fic is inspired by the love story between Taylor Swift’s characters Betty, James, and August.**

Should you wish to listen: Cardigan | Betty | August

Tags: Multiple POVs, angst and a happy ending, Jurdan, post-wicked king, canon divergence

Masterlist

Read on AO3

Four Months Post Exile

If she has decided that she wishes to stay away and forget about Elfhame, me, then I will forget about her as well. Except that I can’t because for the eternity she has been gone there has been nothing to rid my thoughts of her.

I grab the nearest pitcher of wine, not that they are ever far from my reach as of late, and swallow as much of the tart liquid as I can. At least if I pass out there is a chance I may dream of her, or dream of losing her. But it is a chance I am willing to take.

There is a revel happening, for a reason I cannot remember. Probably honoring some guest that I cannot be bothered to care about at this point. I tend to the kingdom as best as I can for the day, but by the time the dawn is rising I do everything I can to forget the subtle human features that haunt me. The curve of her ear, the flush in her cheeks, the softness of her form.

Since she has been gone there has been an unbearable ache in my chest that only seems to worsen at her memory. I’ve taken back up with a variety of powders that I grew accustomed to at Balekin’s parties. The numbing sensation is highly preferable to the agonizing dread that awaits me in sobriety. At least when time passes differently, I can imagine that she is home again, or at the very least, I can pass more days until she returns.

Her return seems more and more uncertain because despite my letters, she has not come home, nor even responded to them. She has made no inclination that she intends to return, which is ridiculous because she is the queen. When she returns I will have to remember to remind her of all the accusations she threw my way at neglecting responsibilities, meanwhile she has spent months in the mortal world as if waiting for me to come bring her home myself.

I grin at the idea. A trip to the mortal world could quickly end this ridiculous torture. At least I would have the chance to see her in the flesh.

She could get her anger out and then return home with me. At this point, a curse from her lips would sound like music and her fingers curled around my neck would be ecstasy.

In time, that anger might turn to forgiveness and we can all move on from this nonsense.

Present Day

What a dreadful day today has been. I should have returned to my chambers the moment I was given news of a wine shortage because poisoned wine had been found in the castle’s cellars, because that meant I had to suffer through the small council’s bickering mostly sober, followed by hours of grievance hearings from folk. For a kingdom full of people who find me utterly incompetent, they sure do make plenty of pleas to the crown.

Only one hour remains until I can leave the presence of my court and scout for my own wine to drink, poisoned or otherwise.

“Cardan…?” Nicasia said with the air of a question.

I respond with a non-committal sound before glancing in her direction to my left. Again, she had found a seat nearest mine, despite my repeated reminder that she was no longer entitled to that spot. We were nothing beyond friends with a bit of history, even if my entire council, mother, and Nicasia herself thought it was ridiculous to prolong a “land-sea” alliance any longer.

I turn back to the conversation I had been ignoring and make an appropriate response, before quickly tuning them out again. Courtiers have nothing better to do than waste my time.

Admittedly, I could see my advisors’ point and I haven’t exactly fought to deny Nicasia’s advances anymore. Not when the one I want has rejected me entirely, favoring a mortal over me and forsaking our kingdom to my inadequate rule.

If I were a kinder soul, I might have been content to see her happy and adjusted to the mortal world, but I am not. I hate myself for sending her away and I hate her just as much for not wanting to return. Every time someone suggests I marry, I want to scream the truth for the entire kingdom to hear.

I married the mortal Jude Duarte. I did it so she would release her hold over me, but I also did it because I wanted to. I wanted to make her my queen and share this dreaded life with her; the powerful, defiant, occasionally murderous, human woman with all her soft features and perfectly odd ears.

Pride be damned. If she returned, I’d allow her anything. She would never need a geas to command me. She was already a ruler, she deserved the credit. The court would eventually adjust to the idea of a human ruler once they recognized her rule. I would lead the most devoted of her court and in our bedroom, I would further prove to her just how devoted I was by spreading --

Nicasia’s hand sliding over my knee snaps me from my thoughts. The touch of her hand felt sickly wrong considering my thoughts of Jude. I brush her hand aside and purposefully ignore the hurt look on her face. I may allow her into my room on nights where even the wine and the powders cannot bring me peace, but she knows I am far too sober and there are too many people around for that.

At the edge of my peripheral I see a dark shadow approaching. The Roach; always a welcomed distraction usually armed with wonderfully bad news.

“Come to tell me of another attempt on my life?” I murmur as he bows down to whisper in my ear.

“You are needed at once, your majesty” the goblin reports.

At that, I laugh but make no effort to move. “There is a first for everything. What is it?” I am happy to use whatever matter it is as an excuse to leave, but I am curious what requires my attention that the spies could not handle themselves.

“Jude has returned. She is waiting to see you.”

His words hit like the hilt of a sword to the chest. I stand, jumping the courtier closest to me.

“I have matters to attend to. Enjoy the rest of your evening.” I say to no one in particular, trying to ignore the loud pounding in my ears as my heart threatens to beat out of my chest.

I begin to follow the Roach out of the room when I feel a hand on my arm.

“What is going on?” Nicasia asks, her eyes wide. I shake out of her grasp.

“It is a matter of great importance that does not concern you.” Instead of moving away, like my body demands to, I move in closer to her so only she can hear me. “I meant my words in the gardens. Do not show up this evening or any evening again.”

Her mouth fell slightly open as water rimmed her eyes. I didn't stay for her response, instead I turned back and followed the Roach into the tunnel, knowing every step was bringing me closer to Jude. As we stalk through the hallways, I cannot slow the questions bombarding my mind.

Did she decide against her life in the mortal world? Did she miss me as I have missed her? What should I say to her? Will she allow me to embrace her? Should I announce her return tonight?

I have envisioned dozens of scenarios of what I would say or do when she returned, but now that she is only a few steps away I have no plan past seeing her, holding her if I can, to make sure she is real and not my imagination come to life.

We take the final turn that I know leads to the headquarters for the Court of Shadows when Livier blocks the doorway.

“Where is she?”

I watch as her face contorts. She opens her mouth to respond before closing it again, clearly unsure how to answer. I don’t have patience for this. I have to see her now.

“Move Livier,” I demand.

How many months has it been since we had fallen asleep together after our vows? How long has it been that I’ve felt her pressed against me?

“Cardan, wait!” She exclaims as I try to move past her. “She doesn’t want to see you.”

I stop dead at her words.

Before I can speak, the Roach asks for me, “What do you mean? She sent us to get him.”

The pixie nods. “Yes. She went to the royal chambers, but she returned soon after and has stated she does not wish to speak.”

I cannot help the bite to my words. “To speak to anyone, or just me?”

Her silence gives me my answer. “Why?” I spit out.

She is on the other side of the wall. It has been months, what about my room could have made her decide against seeing me? A darker thought crosses my mind; what if she has decided to return to the mortal world again? The idea threatens to break me then and there in the dark tunnels beneath the castle.

Livier looks at her companion with unease.

“Why?” I demand again.

The Bomb swallows before explaining, “When she returned, she asked how long you and the Princess of the Undersea had been back together.”

My desperation melted into cruel pitiful laughter. She was jealous of Nicasia, while she had herself a human plaything. The hypocrisy was grand. I wonder how her face would look when I asked about the man and how she could possibly blame me when she broke our vows first. My laughter quickly fizzled into a frozen anger.

I needed to leave before the weight of the situation could bear down on me. In all my imaginations, I never predicted this. I had hoped she’d run to my arms or more realistically, slap me followed up with a kiss. But never returning and refusing to see me.

I want to beg to see her. Beg for her forgiveness. Beg her to stay even if she hates me.

As a king, I have every right to go wherever I please. But as a queen, she has the right to deny entry to anyone. So I turn in the tight hallway and take the turn that leads to my rooms.

She is home. She wouldn’t see me, but she is home, which meant I could fix this. She might not see me tonight, but I would win her forgiveness and maybe her love too.

****

After almost two weeks of announcements and planning, Jude’s coronation ball will begin soon. I have still yet to see her in person, but through messengers and letters she agreed to rule with me and begrudgingly accepted my proposal for a party to celebrate her return and status.

The actual coronation will not take place for another few weeks due to the time needed to gather all the court’s representatives, but this evening would be a full celebration nonetheless. She is home and that enough is cause to celebrate.

The party will also finally force Jude out of the shadows. I suspect she has moved around the castle quite a bit as I heard she met with her sisters and the Living Council, but she has made a careful effort to avoid me.

There have been several times where I have made it all the way to her door before deciding to leave and giving her the space she demands. For months now, I have had dreams of the moment we saw each other again; I have imagined her vulgar words and sweet touches. Tonight is the last night I can imagine because in a matter of hours I will see her again. For the evening, she will have no choice but to stand in the same room as me. I already announced her as my wife and Elfhame’s High Queen. After this evening, she can avoid me outside of official business, if she wishes. It would be devastating, but no more devastating than how it felt when she was gone.

I pace back and forth in my chambers thinking through all the details of the evening since I have nothing better to do. I dressed long ago in a suit twin to the dress I had sent for Jude. If I thought the last dress I designed for her was stunning, I am not sure I’ll be able to survive seeing her in tonight's creation. I gave the tailor a sketch of a silver gown with a fitted bodice and twin streams of fabric that flow from the shoulders. The hope was to create an illusion of the armor she seemed to favor. I doubt the tailor will disappoint and frankly, Jude could wear an old sack and still be devastatingly beautiful.

Before long I receive the signal to head to the ballroom. As I enter the room, I admire for the first time the servant’s efforts to fulfill my image for the evening. The decoration for a typical revel was nothing compared to the fanfare visible this evening. Long strings of lights and streamers hung from the ceiling and sweet and savory treats of all varieties are piled high on trays. The musicians and other entertainment for the evening are already in full swing keeping the guests happy and amused.

As is customary, the party has been going on for some time now, before the king and now queen enter. The center of the space is filled with revelers dancing and singing. At any other party, I would have gladly joined, but I cannot help the pooling sense of unease as I glance through the crowding looking for a particular face.

I do find the face I am looking for, but not the right person. Taryn is standing on the side of the dance floor chatting with some courtier. Locke is nowhere to be seen, which is for the best. If I notice him even causing Jude to frown this evening, I will have him locked in the dungeons for the night.

I occupy myself with some wine while I wait and use the opportunity to boast of Jude’s brilliance to anyone who decides they wish to speak with me. After about a dozen of these conversations, I finally catch a glimpse of her walking into the room with Vivianne at her side.

My Jude.

I admire her with total abandon. She is absolutely stunning. The movement of her steps causes the fabric to shimmer as it flows obscenely over her body. While I will imagine her in this dress for many nights to come, it is the crown that sits atop her head that captures my attention.

The crowd cheers at her arrival and many bow to her. While she keeps her emotions well concealed, I can see the smallest of smiles appear on her face. She enjoys the recognition. Seeing her now, if I could have given her this from the start I would have.

My heart-stopping queen.

I stay to the side where I am and watch her enjoyment from afar. She dances with her sisters from time to time and speaks to members of the gentry with ease. I know she has noted my presence, even if she has yet to look in my direction. When it is time to address the crowd, it is my turn to avoid her direction. I keep my speech to the folk short, enough to praise her and remind anyone who may be considering treason exactly who Jude Duarte is. At the final toast, I steel myself before addressing her directly.

“Welcome home, Jude.”

Our eyes meet for the briefest of moments, burning with a million unspoken words before she breaks away and turns to address the now-growing crowd around her.

It was the first time she acknowledged me since the morning I sent her away and suddenly the emotion behind that realization hits me all at once. I let my eyes linger on her turned back a moment longer, before downing my drink and disappearing into the gardens to wallow in my own self pity.

I told myself I would be happy if she just returned home, but now I realize how badly each moment I spend away from her aches. In school, I hated the way I longed for her. I had chalked it up to being a disgraceful obsession; one I would have been glad to be rid of whatever that meant for Jude. Now, I am equally obsessed with my mortal queen, but rather than having just my thoughts occupied with her, I feel a feral desperation to be near her, to set things right with her.

It is not uncommon for me to be followed, but when I hear soft steps behind me, the last person I expect to turn and see is Jude. Her brown eyes widened in surprise, as if she was not the one following me. We both stare at each other for a half a second too long, before Jude mumbles something and turns to leave. I take her by the arm before she can take a single step away. I won’t let her get away a second time.

“Ask me how hideous you look tonight,” the words tumble from my mouth before I can stop them.

She turns back to face me. I loosen my hold on her arm, but let my hand linger until she decides to brush it away.

“This again?” She asks, sounding more tired than annoyed. I didn’t realize how much I missed her voice.

Desperate to hear her again, I reply, “I can’t. You look like a knight from a story tonight.” A filthy story, perhaps.

Jude’s cheeks pinken as she shifts away from me. If I wasn’t afraid to lose her, I might have found her unease at my closeness cute.

“I’m glad to see the kingdom is still in one piece.” Jude acknowledges, changing the subject away from her. The distance between us feels infinitely greater than the foot of space physically separating us. I’d give anything to embrace her now.

“I had help,” I state simply. It is the truth. The Court of Shadows kept tabs on everyone, friends and enemies, and the Living Council for all the headaches they cause me, they did their job as well.

“Nicasia?” Jude didn’t try or simply failed to hide the accusation in the question.

I sigh heavily and take a seat on one of the garden’s benches. “Ahh that. Yes, it is about time we talked.” I motion for her to join me, to which she refuses.

“I don’t want to hear anything about the two of you. I understand we married out of political strategy, I won’t hold you to human standards of monogamy.” Jude echos my sigh, “After your letters, I thought… Well, I misunderstood the situation.”

My core twists at the way her voice trembled on the words. When did her pain stop being cruel amusement and instead became a twin knife that hurts us both?

“I meant every word in those letters” I murmured softly. How many times had I imagined this conversation before?

Anger burns across her face, “So, what? You got bored of waiting for me to return from the exile YOU-” she jams her pointer finger into my chest hard enough to bruise, “ordered! Maybe next time make sure your letters are actually delivered or perhaps don’t send me away in the first place.”

I stand, challenging her anger with my own. “You think I wouldn’t have waited? I went to bring you home. I saw you dancing with the mortal. Don’t pretend I was the first to stray.”

I expected more anger, denial perhaps, but not... confusion?

“What the hell are you talking about? I haven’t been with anyone else,” Jude yells exasperated.

“The blond male. I came to see you and…” I trail off when Jude laughs suddenly. “What could possibly be funny?”

She covers her face with her hands, shaking her head side to side, “Cardan, you saw me with a friend. Nothing ever happened between us, ever.”

Shame washes over me like a tidal wave. I had returned from that trip thinking Jude had made her decision to forget me and stay behind. I had walked straight into a revel and drank every drop of wine in sight. Nicasia found me a few hours later laying in the grass outside the castle and when she came near I did the one thing I thought would make me feel better.

Nicasia had been the first to notice me, my first real friend then lover. After Jude, I thought she could be the thing I needed again, but I was wrong. It didn’t take long for me to realize it would never be as it was before because my heart still belonged to Jude. If I had only spoken to Jude that night in the mortal world, none of this would have happened.

“I believed the reason for your continued absence was because you were still mad. I thought I could go to the mortal world and convince you to come home, but I saw you with the mortal man. I did not handle the thought of you with another well. Nicasia was there when I got back and… I let her into my bed, but it was you that I thought of every moment you were gone.”

Several emotions ripple across her face before she quickly schooled her face into the impenetrable mask she wears around others. She wears around me too. I continue before the fear of her rejection can stop me.

“There are no tricks within my words, so please hear me when I promise you, Jude, mortal High Queen of Elfhame, it is you I love. My heart is yours and forever will be. There will be no other’s, and if you choose to have me again, it will only be you.”

I raise my hand to cup her face and watch as her eyes flutter close. My name falls off her lips like a plea and I think it might be the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. I lower myself to meet her soft lips. Her hands soon find the front of my jacket and I don't fight when she tugs me closer to her.

Without breaking the kiss, I use my free hand to grip her lower back and pull her back into the garden seat with me. On my lap, Jude opens herself up to me and I greedily take in more of her, missing the taste of her. I can’t help but continue to caress her body with my fingertips, long after we break to catch our breath. I place a series of kisses along her neck, each more drawn out than the last before I speak the cruel fact still on my mind, “of all my terribleness, the worst thing I ever did was what I did to you.”

It hurts knowing I can speak those words aloud. I reach up to wipe a stray tear that has fallen from her eyes.

“Will you have me again, Jude?” My heart pounds in the wake of the question. I watch as she considers it. Truthfully, I wouldn't blame her if she refused me, but it would be torturous to have her so near and not mine.

Slowly, she gives a subtle nod and I don’t hide my sigh of relief. She stares at me for a second longer, before smiling, “I love you, Cardan."

I capture her lips again, finding her more addictive than the sweetest wine.

“My sweet nemesis, how glad I am you have returned.”

Tag List: @wafflesandschemingfaces​ 

If anyone else would like to join the list, let me know! 

[supercorpkid]

It’s you against the world.

Supercorp, Kara Danvers x Daughter!Reader, Lena Luthor x Daughter!Reader, Alex Danvers x Niece!Reader, Kelly Olsen x Niece!Reader.

Word count: 3175.

Warning: Still angsty, I guess.

I would recommend checking the Rescue Mission series if you haven’t yet :)

Kara said, ‘one thing at a time’. You’re alive, and back on your feet. Brainy is nursed back to health. Alex is out commanding the DEO back again. Jamie is exhausted, but fine. Kelly looks like she never even was in danger in the first place. And your Gramm is talking about going back to Midvale. Everyone is doing ok, but Lena.

How can no one be talking about this? About the fact that she’s not even here. About the fact that she looked blankly at your face and told you she doesn’t have a daughter, nor a family? This should be the only thing on their minds because it’s the only thing on your mind. How can they bear the fact that one person from this family is not here? How is the fact that she’s alive and safe enough for them?

As soon as your feet touch the ground and you get the ‘approval’ for leaving -even though you still look like a war painting, with all the blood and the bruises-, you fly out of the DEO. Kara tries to stop you, but she doesn’t know where you’re going, so you guess she’ll show up in a while. You fly to where you found Jamie and Lena. The place is abandoned and none of the guys that you beat up are still there. Well, there’s no one to follow now, so you figured they have fled the scene.

You grab everything you can see that was possibly used to erase her mind. You even carry the chair out of that hiding place and into L Corp. You use your super speed to take everything into your lab, and then call the front desk to let Aly know you’re in there. You beg her not to tell Lena, because you’re working on a surprise, and tell her you don’t want to be interrupted by anything or anyone.

You’ve been working for hours, and you’re almost sure it’s night and you haven’t heard from anyone yet. Great, Aly is doing her job and not letting anyone disturb you. This should work.

“Baby, please.” Kara knocks on your lab door, and you breathe deep, trying to ignore her. You don’t have time for this, for whatever it is that she wants, you just can’t waste time. You only have time for one thing in your life right now and you don’t care about the rest of the world. “Can you open the door, so I can see your pretty little face?”

“I’m busy, go away!” You answer, rolling your chair to the computer behind you, and your hands go crazy on the keyboard.

“I’m not leaving.” Kara says, and you look at the door, rolling your eyes. “I need you to open the door, so I don’t have to break it.”

“Don’t you dare destroy L Corp property, Kara Danvers!” You speak loudly and your heart squeezes on your chest when you hear your own voice. You sounded just like Lena.

Kara sighs on the other side of the door, hanging her head low, thinking the same thing you are. You know that by the way her heart changes a beat the slightest.

“My love, I know you’re hurt. I know you want to solve this, and trust me, I want you to crack this too, but-”

“Then leave!” You yell, cutting her off. “If you want me to solve this, then you have to leave and let me work, because right now you’re distracting me.”

“It’s the middle of the night, you need sleep.” Kara keeps going, and you see her hand on the handle. No way in hell you’re going to let her break this door. You roll your chair towards the door and open to a puppy face doe-eyed Kara. “Little one, you just got out of a fight where you almost died. Let’s go home. Let’s wash this blood off and-”

“No.” You roll back to your workstation. “You can stay and help if you want, but you will not convince me to leave. This is my fault, and I have to fix it.”

“Kid, this is not your fault. You did what you had to do. You saved her. Rao, don’t you get it?” Kara goes to you and kneels next to your chair. “You saved everyone. You saved me, Jamie, Alex, Kelly, Eliza. And you saved Lena! Lena is safe! Alive! Because of you.”

“It’s not enough. I didn’t do enough.” You ignore her, hands still moving fast on the keyboard. Although, if you’re being honest, you’re not exactly typing anything that makes sense right now. You’re just distracting yourself, and trying to show Kara how busy you are, so she can leave.

“You did what you could’ve done. You did what I would’ve done in that situation, baby.” Kara says, putting her hands on top of yours so you can stop. With her other hand she holds your chin, and makes you look at her. “You are a hero. This is not your fault.”

“Stop.” You clench your jaw, feeling the anger boiling your blood. You try to stop it from coming up and devouring you, but you can’t. “Stop patronizing me. I’m not a little kid anymore.”

“I know you’re not. You’re an awesome superhero who just saved all National City. But you’re also a person, and you have basic needs. You need to sleep, eat, change out of your super suit, wash this dry blood off, you need to catch some sunlight to heal your bruises, and I-” Kara breathes heavily swallowing her tears. “I need you.”

“You can stay and help if you want, but-”

“Stop. Please, baby, please, stop.” Kara says, eyes full of tears. You can see the pain on her face. You can hear the pain in her voice. It makes you sadder. “I miss her too.”

“Not enough.” You get out of her grip, and stand up, going to the table behind you, distracting yourself with the first thing your hands can grab, in front of you. “You can’t possibly miss her enough if you’re here trying to convince me to stop trying and go home.”

“That’s not fair. You’re my daughter and I have to care for you.” Kara stands up, walking to where you are. She easily spins you around and strokes your cheek gently. “Look at you, baby, you’re battle-worn.”

“You can’t be here talking about sleep and shower when your goddamn wife doesn’t remember who you are!” You slap her hand away from your face. “She-she doesn’t remember me! I did this! You don’t get it!” Your eyes are full of tears too, but it’s more than sadness. It’s guilt, and pain, and anger. It makes you furious that everyone else in the entire world is out there doing anything, anything besides helping your mom get her memories back and be herself again.

“I do.” Kara tries, which only makes you angrier.

“NO, you DON’T!” You yell, making her flinch at the voice raise and she takes a couple steps back, giving you space. “And you NEVER will!” You grab the first thing you see and throw it on the floor next to her. Kara watches, motionless, the wrench breaking on your hand, and then kicking on the floor before stopping in front of her feet. “You will never understand how this is my fault. I made the wrong call. You’re Kryptonian, she’s human. I should’ve gone for her first!”

“Then why did you go for me?” Kara furrows her eyebrows, looking stung by your declaration.

“I thought you could help me.” You hold her gaze defiant. “But you didn’t. You couldn’t. I had to do it alone, and I didn’t do enough.”

“You have to stop saying this. Kid, you sacrificed yourself for us. How is that not enough?” Kara comes closer again, holding her hands out so you can hold it. “You nearly died. You did more than-”

“I told you to STOP PATRONIZING ME!” You punch your anger through the table, making a hole right where your hand went. “GET OUT!”

“Little one-”

“I said GET OUT! Get out of my lab!” You point at the door. “Only come back here when you realize that mom needs me. That I’m the only one who should-who can bring her back. Until then, you’re not welcomed here.”

Kara stands there, unmoving. Taking in your every word like punches in the gut. But you don’t care. You’ve been punched in the gut a lot today. By aliens, by your own gullibility, by Lena’s empty look towards you, by your guilt that’s been eating you out from the inside.

You turn around, so you don’t face her, and you go grab more things for your work. She looks lost, stuck there, drinking your words in. You don’t look behind yourself for a few good minutes, and when you do, she’s gone. No trace she was ever there, except the things you broke because you’re mad.

You are mad at so many things you don’t even know where to start. And you decide not to. You can’t start thinking about the things you’re mad about or this will never get done and you will have to go longer without Lena knowing who you are.

You go back to work. Solely focus on bringing her memories back, whatever it costs. You are tired. You’re past the point of hunger. You start to feel your blood drying up on your skin getting so parched it breaks it off when you move, and you know you could use a shower. You’re fueling your body with energy drinks only, and you guess they were put outside your door by Aly. You lose count of how many meals you’ve skipped; despite the fact that food is also placed outside your door from time to time. And how many sleepless hours it has been now. You’re battle worn, exhausted, and drained out, but you won’t leave this lab until you crack this.

“Kiddo, is aunt Alex.” You hear a voice coming from your door. Honestly, by now, you might as well be hallucinating this whole thing. It feels like you’ve been alone here for days now.

“If you’re not here to help, then don’t waste your breath.” You answer, finally looking at the door and you see she’s not alone. “I don’t think therapist Olsen can help.”

“Can you just open the door for a minute?” Alex asks and waits a little. You don’t go there. “Please, kiddo, it’s not fair you can see us, and we can’t talk to you face-to-face.”

“You want to talk about fair?” You run to the door, opening it with so much anger it startles both of your aunts on the other side. The sight of you, you imagine, also helps with this shock. “Let’s talk about how you made me decide which mom I had to save first! I’m just a kid! You put that decision in my hands! How is that fair?”

“Hey, that’s not, kiddo, come on.” Alex breathes deep trying to calm herself. “That shapeshifter was playing with us. I told you to go for Lena, but it-it had Kara’s location. It wanted you to go for Kara, so it could buy time to erase Lena’s mind.”

“You should’ve made me! You’re the grown-up! You’re the director of the DEO, you’re the one who was supposed to know what to do!”

“Well, surprise, I didn’t!” Alex raises her voice a little, and Kelly holds her arms like telling her to calm down. “I didn’t know what the hell was going on and my sister wasn’t answering. So when that alien gave you Kara’s location, I wanted you to go for her. There was no way for me to know what was really happening so you can’t-you just can’t blame me for this.”

“Lucky for you, I don’t blame anyone but myself.” You turn around, going back to your computer. “I see you didn’t come to help, so you can make your way out. If you're looking for confirmation, there, you have it. It’s not your fault.”

“Honey.” Kelly says in the most condescending tone you’ve ever heard, and you hold your breath and close your fist trying to hold the anger inside. “It’s not your fault either. You were tricked, like everyone else. Alex was tricked by fake Brainy, me and Jamie got tricked by fake Alex. We all got tricked too. You can’t blame yourself for that.”

“And you don’t blame me?” You turn to them again, narrowing your eyes. “None of you blame me for this?”

“Of course not!”

“No, not at all!”

“That’s funny.” But you’re not laughing. “Would you still not blame me if Jamie couldn’t remember you? What if I were too late to save her too? What if right now your daughter didn’t know any of you? Are you sure the speech would still be the same or would you be here helping me find out the fucking solution for this nightmare I’m living? Huh?”

They blink at you. No words come for a few seconds where they just drink your words in like Kara did. You don’t have time to waste on this.

“Get out. And tell Kara to stop sending people that can’t help me.” You turn around again. They sigh and leave, defeated.

And you go on. Alone with your sick and raging mind. You have no sense of time anymore. It could be minutes since they left, hours, days. You wouldn’t know.

You look at the device ready in front of you. Run the numbers on the computer again. This looks good, it looks like it could work now.

“This is my tenth try on the memory recovery. I have changed the programing on the original alien mind wiper.” You breathe deep, recording yourself. “I’ll use my memory wiper to forget something stupid, then I’ll try to fish that memory back with the memory recovery. I’ll forget my school’s principal’s name, so I guess goodbye Mrs. Goodwin. Here goes nothing.”

You use your memory wiper on yourself.

“Ok, I forgot whatever her name is. Let’s try fishing that memory back now.” You grab the metal halo thing you took on the alien’s hiding spot and put it on your head. “Ok, the principal of my school is called-” You think and think. You go back to every moment you were face to face with her, every time you got called at her office. “I don’t know.”

You yank the halo out of your head, and drop on your knees, crying.

“I don’t know!”

It doesn’t work, nothing works. Nothing you do is enough!

“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!” You yell, punching the chair out of your way, and it just rolls to the other end of the lab, falling loudly.

You didn’t save her soon enough. You didn’t stop them before they harmed her, and you don’t fucking care they are dead, they still won. Your mom doesn’t remember you; they have won. You’re alive, having to deal with this shit. Having to deal with the fact that you’re not enough. Not enough of a superhero, not enough of a scientist.

You’re weeping on the floor. So incredibly heavy-hearted and alone. And you’re also so mad. So freaking furious with the world. How dare it come for your family? How dare the world keep throwing drama and trauma on your back all the damn time? It doesn’t even give you a chance to breathe, before sending more fucking ass suffering your way.

How dare National City depend on your family so much? Why can’t they save themselves? Why can't heroes catch a break? Is this a legal thing? Was it a contract you signed without being aware? Why. Can’t. You. Just. Be. Happy?

You don’t even see it happening, you’re too drained and reliving your own nightmare to notice. But Kara walks in the lab, sits on the floor, picks you up gently and wraps you up in her arms, wordless. You just stay there, sobbing mercifully on her shirt, while she strokes your hair gently and says something you can’t make out because of how loud your thoughts and words of accusation for yourself are.

“It was not your fault. It was not your doing.” You finally make out what Kara has been repeating like a mantra to you.

“Mommy. I want her back.” You sob and Kara kisses your head gently.

“I know, little one. I want her back too.” You look at Kara, and all the pain in her face. Pain that you helped add up, by the way. “But I want you back first, my love. I want you so much more.”

“I’m sorry I said I shouldn’t have gone for you first.” You stop clinging to her so you can raise your hand to her face and clean her tears. “I did what my heart told me to, and I’m not sorry for it.”

Kara kisses your hand and smiles softly at you.

“I know what you’re feeling, because if presented with the same situation I would have done exactly what you did. And I would be here feeling guilty and mad at the world.” Kara says, holding your face with both hands.“So I can’t judge you for feeling like this. All I can do, my baby, is tell you no one else thinks this is your fault. No one is going to blame you if you just go home and sleep, before coming back here again and keep going. And no one is going to say no to help you, because we all want Lena back as fast as possible.” Kara’s breath shudders out , like her heart is on your hands. “So please, my heart, please come home with mommy and sleep this through, and tomorrow I promise I’ll do no objection for you to come back to work. In fact, I’ll come back and help you if you want.”

“I don’t think I can fly right now. Will you please take me home?” You ask softly and Kara smiles at you, kissing your forehead as a response. She picks you up, walking out of the lab. She turns off the lights and closes the door.

And you close your eyes and wait.

You thought if you left the lab without a solution the world would instantly burn down and destroy you. But instead, you feel the wind on your hair. You hear the world's sounds. Smell Kara’s perfume, mixed with sunshine and that perfect familiar scent of home.

You open your eyes to see that the world is still the same. That you’re not going to be punished for not having a solution right away and even before Kara lands in the backyard, you’re sleeping this nightmare away. You can go back to fighting the world when you wake up.

Notes:

Thanks @yvonkayvonki for the idea of the kid fighting with Kara. I thought it made sense for her to be so angry after the fight she would take it on the world, STILL broke my heart though.

[dr-futbol-blog]

Sanctuary, Pt. 15

So, the scene. The infamous scene.

It's not made clear how much of what happened out on the pier is Sheppard and how much of it is the whammy she put on him via touch. Back on Proculus, Sheppard told her "Knowing what we're up against, and the odds… Look, I'd appreciate it if you would ask Athar to consider that we are her people. Even though we come from very far away, we're the same. We're human, which means we're not strangers. We're family."

On the pier, Chaya was using his own words against him: "You said it yourself—we're both human." Sheppard agrees that this is what he said. But then, he tells her the opposite of what he said then: "I'm really glad you didn't say "family," otherwise I'd have to leave."

There, he was using 'we' pronouns to create false familiarity, he was intimating that they are family to create intimacy. Outside on the balcony, he's using the first person and he's saying he's glad they are not family (and the audience is asked to interpret this with the meaning that he's glad they're not family so that they are free to have sex; they're kissing cousins at most). But the concept of family is actually really important to Sheppard especially in the context of a loving relationship. When he loves someone, in what ever way, he considers them family.

In Sateda (S03E04), he and Teyla have the following exchange:

Sheppard: You should know, I don't have... Teyla: Friends? Sheppard: No--I have friends. ...You, Elizabeth, Ronon, Carson, even Rodney, are the closest thing I have to a… Teyla: A family? Sheppard: I'd do anything… for any one of you. If I had to give up my life the way Ronon was going to, I would.

(For why he says "even Rodney", why he has to bury the most important thing to him in the final position to lessen the emotional impact -- he obviously has a hard enough time verbalizing any of this in the first place -- see my discussion on The Defiant One (S01E12); note that 'family' is so important to him that he can't even say the word to Teyla here).

Belonging to his family is the highest honour John Sheppard can give you. It's so important, in fact, that he's demoted members of his actual birth family from having that designation. Entrance into this club is based purely on love. And here, he's saying he's glad she's not using the word to describe them. If he's under a whammy, it seems like at least his subconscious is fighting the influence. And McKay is fighting to get him back, as well.

From their kiss on the balcony we cut away to Sheppard walking out of a doorway alone. He's not coming out of the balcony but from out a room that has a bowl of fruit in it which suggests it's Chaya's guest quarters. It's unlikely that they had sex given the state of their dress and the fact that not staying the night after something like that would be impolite, but it should be noted that Sheppard's ear piece that he was still wearing on the balcony is missing. Symbolically walking through the door on his own might also indicate that he has been freed of what ever suggestion he was under, as it was her leading him through the door that put him under her influence.

Likely all that happened was some kissing since he's wearing all of his fatigues, and scratching both his mouth and head very much suggests that he still hasn't showered (she also seems to still be fully clothed, necklace and all). Scratching of the head also frequently signals a state of being perplexed. He's not sure what to think of what just happened.

McKay catches up with him just as he comes out. Clearly he was waiting there for him because what possible reason would he have to hang around her quarters at night. Sheppard indicates that it's very late and that McKay isn't usually awake at this hour, which is interesting.

McKay: Major. Sheppard: Rodney. What are you doing up so late? McKay: I was just, uh… I couldn't sleep, so I was going back up to the control room to do a little research. What about you? Sheppard: Oh, no thanks.

Why is he saying "no thanks"? What is he saying "no thanks" to? Granted, we might assume that they have been playing "the game" by this time, whether you take that literally or euphemistically, it certainly seems like Sheppard understood what McKay says as some kind of an offer. Have they been using "a little research" to mean something else entirely?

However, it is interesting that he seems to be able to exert his own will here for the first time since he was first touched by Chaya. It's not clear at which point the spell or whammy or seduction, what ever you want to call it, is broken. But his conversation here, with McKay, is different from all the other conversations he's had all day ever since she laid her hands on him and guided him through the door to this odd honesty, this strange lightness of speech and having no will of his own. Sheppard's response here does tell us that he's not taking on suggestions anymore. This is all him.

What's more is that McKay, who knows Sheppard very well by now, doesn't find his response odd. Like maybe they have been staying up late together lately.

McKay: No, I mean, what were you doing up so late? Sheppard: I'm always up late, Rodney.

I'm always up late, he says, like it's something Rodney should know about him already.

Sheppard is feeling guilty, though. He first almost turns to face McKay, which he so very often does when they are walking together, but then seems to catch himself. Yes, he was doing this even before they ever met Chaya. But it seems even more pronounced now that he's purposefully keeping himself at a distance from McKay.

He's still making weird faces but they don't seem to be connected to anything McKay is saying. He's still confused as to what has been happening to him, what had just happened, what he's supposed to think or feel about any of it, so the expressions seem more like he's trying to clear his head.

His face doesn't really look like that of someone who has just "gotten some" but if this is a walk of shame, McKay is the last person he wanted witnessing this. Things have really not gone at all the way he planned them.

McKay takes a stand, literally. He stands with his chest out and his hands behind his back like a soldier at attention. He is a very brave man and in this, in opening himself up to let someone else see how he feels, he's much braver than Sheppard could ever be. Sheppard admires this about him. But right now, as confused as he is, his thoughts and his emotions a chaotic mess he has had no time at all to process, he's not ready to confront McKay. He's not even ready to confront himself.

First, there is again a reference to Star Trek. I'll return to this toward the end of the episode. As discussed previously, they seem to have a very different view of the franchise, and of captain Kirk.* Kirk wasn't the one who romanced the alien priestess in 1967. Sheppard may understand the reference to "the whole Captain Kirk routine" very differently from McKay. He might think that he's referring to Sheppard's tendency to disobey orders when the ends justify the means. He might think that he's referring to his tendency to take risks and go for the hail Mary pass. He might think he's referring to his latching onto transitory affairs to stay a well of loneliness that just isolated him further.

He could think McKay is referring to any number of Kirk-related routines. Many of which are morally dubious, and many of which Sheppard would recognize in himself. And let's remember that he just had his discussion at the end of Hot Zone (S1E13) with Weir about the proper chain of command so if there's any Kirk routine that would come to his mind, his proclivity for subordination would probably be the one.

And it's a mighty touchy subject for Sheppard, especially just now. Especially with McKay throwing it at his face so callously.

Turns out, it's none of that. McKay is still chafed about Chaya. And while Sheppard has not now or ever the intention of actually explaining to McKay what he has been doing all along, it's pretty obvious that the man is clueless. He's absolutely right, of course. He has been romancing the alien princess. And what he was doing is morally dubious, at best. Much worse than that, in fact. The fact that she was much better at it than he was doesn't change his original intention. And while he started doing it for noble reasons, to save potentially millions of people he has personally put in danger, he's disgusted enough with himself as it is.

The thing that's noticeable here is that Sheppard makes no excuse for himself. He doesn't try to explain his actions, doesn't try to deny anything. What he does is categorically refuse to discuss this with McKay. Easy interpretation is that he's offended McKay would make such insinuations. His motives are pure and this casts aspersions on them, on his genuine romance with a wonderful woman. Like Teyla said, he is allowed to have feelings and doesn't need to justify them to anyone.

Only, that's not even a little bit what has been going on so far. Sheppard's own motives and methods have been anything but pure, and he had been acting suspiciously since before they ever set foot on the planet. There's something else going on here. If anything, Chaya's presence has only exacerbated something that was already brewing underneath it all between them. What ever mind-control she had on him has done nothing to change that.

Here McKay is just unwittingly confirming that what Sheppard already thinks about himself when he's alone in the darkest hour of the night is true. And McKay is the last person he wants to see him like that. Sheppard doesn't know that he's inspired McKay to want to be a better man. Even if he wanted to himself, he doesn't think that he could be a better man for McKay. John Sheppard sees himself as the rotten core of a poison apple that barely manages to disguise itself as edible and as much as he wants that man to hunger for him, he also knows that he needs to make sure that can never happen. He's much too good to deserve that, and it would definitely kill him if he did.

Sheppard has been trying really really hard to keep McKay at an arm's length ever since his discussion with Weir. It has taken actual, considerable effort on his part. Especially because McKay seems to want the exact opposite and has been trying to connect with him, trying to engage him with an increasingly drastic manner. The harder he tries to pull away, the more desperately McKay tries to draw him back in.

Casually viewing, I used to think the "if and when" was the most interesting thing about this scene. So you're saying there's a chance! Yes, the formulation does contain the possibility that it might become his business one day. It certainly doesn't preclude the possibility. But I find Sheppard's categorical refusal to discuss any of it -- his odd behaviour, his intentions, his motives, his feelings, what's eating him up inside, what has caused such an obvious and sudden change in him -- with McKay really interesting.

This poor man is so bad at expressing "what d'you call them, feelings" that he would very likely not find the words even if he wanted to share. Which he doesn't. His insides are bound with such tightly wound knots that an army of psychiatrists probably wouldn't know which thread to start pulling first. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't even begin to share what's going on with him. And he especially doesn't want to, not with this man. He doesn't want McKay tainted by it, hurt by it, infected by it, destroyed by it. Doesn't want that dark ink stain to spill over his lily-white parchment. His intention is to keep McKay safe, and that means most of all from himself.

So.

He is begging McKay to drop it. Not to dig, not to prod at this. Yes, he had the noblest of intentions for both trying to keep McKay at a distance and trying to charm and romance protection and a potential safe haven for his people from the priestess of the paradise planet. Doesn't change the fact that what he was doing was morally dubious, at best. Only, not for the reasons McKay thinks. It's much worse than that.

And here he is, unwittingly basically telling him the same thing Weir did. That his feelings have compromised him, that he cannot be trusted to do his duty because he doesn't know how to not love. It's noticeable that it's when McKay tells him that he can feel it that Sheppard lashes out, that's when he steps closer to McKay, gives him his full attention. Perhaps not coincidentally, Kirk and Spock have the following discussion in A Taste of Armageddon:

Spock: Feeling is not much to go on. Kirk: Sometimes a feeling, Mr Spock, is all we humans have to go on.

Here, McKay is the one who allows himself to feel where Sheppard is trying very hard not to feel anything at all. It's his duty not to feel, and failing at that duty comes at a very high price, he knows. It isn't the alien priestess he only just met that he doesn't know how not to love, it is this complete and utter idiot standing in front of him. Who has no idea he's running roughshod over some of Sheppard's most sensitive issues like a bull at a China store.

And to top it all off, here they are making such a scene out of it that it's alerted her. If McKay doesn't reign it in like he's told him a dozen times already, this will all have been for nothing. McKay should trust him even though he's done nothing but lie to everyone he's met since he was old enough to know what that was.

And the thing is, he does. McKay does trust him. McKay knows his tells. He does not trust the alien priestess that has been lying to them from the get-go. And he's right not to trust her. She had tells, as well.

Sheppard notices Chaya over McKay's shoulder. He looks like he's close to tears when he looks from McKay to her. McKay turns to follow his glance.

Chaya's reaction to seeing them arguing in the hallway outside of her quarters is peculiar. Sheppard and Chaya exchange glances, she folds her arms in displeasure giving McKay the side-eye, huffs and turns to go back into her chambers. And instead of going after her, which one might expect, Sheppard gives McKay an intense look and walks away without saying anything. But the look he gave Chaya was, while brief, almost hateful. He was full of emotion when he was looking at McKay, but the look he gave her was dark. Like he just realized what she had been doing and she was both upset and blaming McKay for breaking what ever hold she had on him.

If she did put some whammy on Sheppard, if she did influence him with her touch through some Ancient hoodoo, McKay seems to have managed to break the spell here. That's why she seems so upset, anyway. McKay has been the fly in her ointment from the start. And McKay's worry isn't about her, it's for Sheppard. She can't just magic touch that away. McKay loves him in ways that she can't even comprehend.

Sheppard walks away not just from him but the both of them. But as angry as he is, he's still not angry at McKay. Nothing he has said has been untrue, even the Kirk thing, after a fashion. Most of all Sheppard is angry at himself. But Rodney doesn't understand that.

This is the first time McKay saw Sheppard ever since Chaya came to Atlantis. He never witnessed how strangely Sheppard was acting which no one seemed to notice. He would have noticed. It's testament to their connection that once more they didn't even need to be in each other's presence for McKay to know that something wasn't right with Sheppard, that she was influencing him.

There was a reference to the Wizard of Oz at the beginning of the episode, specifically to the Wizard himself, the man behind the curtain. At the end of the film, he tells all of the characters that they had what they were seeking for within them all along.

He tells the Lion:

You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage; you’re confusing courage with wisdom. Back where I come from we have men who are called heroes. Once a year they take their fortitude out of mothballs and they parade it down the main street and they have no more courage than you have.

Rodney McKay thinks that he has no courage just because he feels fear, not like John Sheppard does. But he's wrong. His is the truest kind of courage, and he is displaying it here. It is John Sheppard that runs away here, afraid most of all of feeling.

He tells the Tinman:

As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. … And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.

John Sheppard wishes that he didn't have a heart, that if he wears enough protective armour and builds enough defensive barriers around himself that his heart cannot be broken again. He tries so hard not to love that he fails completely to see how much he is loved. It is out of love that McKay is confronting him, here. Out of concern, consideration, compassion and kindness that he stands there before him. And he's not going anywhere. Not even when Sheppard would like him to do that. No matter how much he lashes out, McKay is still going to be right there.

Continued in Pt. 16

.* The Jim Kirk of popular consciousness seems very different from the character as actually seen in the show. Erin Horakova called this the Kirk Drift:

Kirk, as received through mass culture memory and reflected in its productive imaginary (and subsequent franchise output, including the reboot movies), has little or no basis in Shatner’s performance and the television show as aired. Macho, brash Kirk is a mass hallucination.

Now, Sheppard actually is a lot like Kirk was on the show and in this particular episode we see Sheppard both try to seduce someone in the service of the people under his protection and fall victim to sexual coercion under the influence of some alien forces. There's actually a scene in The Conscience of the King that parallels this scene:

Kirk: Aren't you getting a little out of line, Mister Spock? My personal business-- Spock: --is my personal business when it might interfere with the smooth operation of this ship. Kirk: You think that happened? Spock: It could happen. Kirk: I don't like anyone meddling in my private affairs. Not even my second in command. McCoy: Jim, Spock's simply trying-- Kirk: I know what he's doing, and I don't like it. McCoy: It's his job, and you know it. Kirk: And you also know that nothing is proven. Spock: Even in this corner of the galaxy, Captain, two plus two equals four. Almost certainly an attempt will be made to kill you. Why do you invite death? Kirk: I'm not. I'm interested in justice. McCoy: Are you? Are you sure it's not vengeance? Kirk: No, I'm not sure. I wish I was. I've done things I've never done before. I've placed my command in jeopardy.

The personal business Kirk doesn't want Spock digging into here has to do with a massacre he witnessed as a child. But Spock needs must as Kirk's life is very much endangered by the daughter of the man who ordered the mass execution as she wants no witnesses left alive for her father's deeds. It's not any normal business Kirk doesn't want Spock to know. And while he is a private person, it's also not just some fling that provokes this reaction from Sheppard. They are both being mighty defensive.

But this isn't what McKay is referring to. He's referring to the All-American Action Hero Kirk that is an unrepentant womanizer. You know: