#(weird blood test results and weight loss and other externally-observable symptoms suggest otherwise)

[over-fen-and-field]

Screaming nauseously into the void

So, for the past ten months I've had a Mystery Problem Syndrome (MPS) -- unpredictable hours to months of nausea, headaches, dizziness, brain fog, weird muscle things, a dangerous amount of weight loss, all that fun stuff. The working hypothesis from my GI is that it's an autoimmune thing triggered by a viral infection in my intestines that may or may not be temporary on the scale of a year or two, but we haven't been able to totally confirm that's what it is or whether it's going to be a year-long thing or a many-years thing or a forever thing. It's not always clear what's triggering the big flare-ups, but stress is a contributing factor. This is a problem firstly because I'm a PhD student who has always run a little anxious in the way that some ovens run a little hot and secondly because my body cannot tell the difference between stress and excitement.

In practical terms, this means that I've zombied my way through work for about five total months since January, have barely left my town all year even for just little day trips, paused a lot of my big plans like getting more intensive therapy to deal with my driving anxiety, and have had lots of little "fun" moments like barely being able to present my work at a big conference, running out of my roommate's big opera performance to throw up in a trash can in the hall, and spending about two months being unable to even take consistent notes during D&D and not really being able to enjoy it or any of my other hobbies. This was all no good, obviously, but to really add insult to injury, I might have triggered a full-on flare-up by... (drumroll, please)...

Buying groceries for my Halloween party!

Not even throwing the party. Not even drinking too much or eating forbidden foods at the party.

Buying groceries for the party. At the same grocery store I always buy groceries at.

I got too excited while passively noodling about desserts and decorations and how I wanted to arrange the cheeseboard and whether blackberries would be good in sangria.

And have been unable to keep food down since.

I hope I'm miraculously cured by the party itself because I'm going to have a hard time convincing anyone to eat my food (I'm definitely not contagious anymore! I cleared the actual infection in January!) if I'm this noticeably sick during it.

Also I was looking forward to it a lot and a good dozen of my friends are gonna be there and :(

Apparently, I can't look forward to things anymore! I should just sit in a quiet room and contemplate the grass as it grows, careful to maintain complete emotional neutrality.