#(trying to stay silly to cope but I'm fucking depressed)

[moonlit-lepus]

I hate that this is how I found out

[femstyles]

I found One Direction when I was in high school. In the world of confusing teenage hormones and trying to find out who the hell i was. I found joy in their first album, and then found community through their fandom very quickly after. I remember sitting with my three best friends and replaying the first 2 seconds of Taken over and over again to hear Liams low note at the beginning.

I met a girl online who lived across the globe from me in 2013 because of that community. I have spent the last 11 years talking to her. We've both had children now. We still share so much of our lives even now.

My best friend in the world and I use to have sleep overs and listen to 1d and go on tumblr together to scream about 5 idiot boys. We spent years together giggling and crying about them. We flew together to a different state after we graduated High School to finally see them and I remember every moment of that trip even 10 years later. We drove across the state 9 months later to see them again on our first 'adult' trip so far away. Through our biggest fight and two years we didn't talk, 1d was a thread that stayed between us and eventually when we moved past our own shit, we came right back. We still loved these boys.

I had One Direction when I was at my lowest points. Sitting alone in my dorm in college, depressed (so depressed) and lonely and SAD. But I had my silly 1d blanket, and a blog on tumblr to keep me company. And I made it through the dark. I had these boys and this community through the death of two very close family members, watching the love of my life struggle with addiction (and overcoming it), a pandemic, and infertility.

But I also had them during the happiest times. While in labor with my kids I listened to 1d. While driving on long road trips I listen to them. I attended their movie premiere and had the time of my life. I got married and danced to WMYB at the reception with my loved ones around me.

And with all that, I knew those boys had made a sacrifice during their creation of that little world. They were worked so incredibly hard. They weren't given the support they needed to cope with the crazy shift their lives took. They did so much to provide those who adored them with joy.

Liam. He said it himself that he wanted to save people. I hope he knows that he did. So so many people. I don't sit here writing this pretending that these boys are perfect because they aren't. But they truly are part of the reason I'm here today and who I am.

Liam. I'm so fucking sorry your life ended so soon. You deserved a chance to turn things around. You deserved to be free from addiction. You deserved so much better than what was given to you all those years ago. I owe you an essential piece of me forever. Rest In Peace.

[championofravens]

Having thoughts on briefly leaving tumblr- or at least wildly restructuring my dash. This isn't your typical "this site is toxic/wasting all my time" sort of musing, though I suppose it could fall into a similar category of thing. It's much more personal however. I feel as though I've become very bad at regulating expectations when interacting with things online, and I'm a bit too easily influenced. With depression rearing its head for a while now and life turning progressively harder as I pivot into full upstanding adulthood, I fixate and try to emulate anyone who is showing where they find joy or ways to cope in their hectic lives. And very often, I try to do what I see others do and wind up let down or frustrated.

In a rather silly way, I think a big chunk of this is thanks to fetish content I see! Incredibly unserious, I know, but sadly true. My tumblr circle is BIG into hedonism. I see people post about the euphoria they get from drinking too much, smoking too much, eating too much, basking in the reckless joy of staying up all night long making mistakes, and I get wound up. I want it too. But then when I do imbibe... I just don't get that sorta joy! Because obviously I'm comparing me taking an edible at home on the couch and eating a burrito to a kink blog's post written for an audience about a sexual encounter they had with their partner. And then it sets me off into feeling even worse than before, as I blame myself or I panic thinking that nothing will ever soothe my need to Chill Out or that I've passed the maturity horizon and I'm just unable to enjoy things like that at all anymore.

And all of that is counter to the biggest, most important obstacle in my life right now- which is Chilling The Fuck Out.

Sorry for the open musing on your dash this morning, but it's helpful putting these feelings into words and maybe (hopefully) someone else identifies with them. I know the absorption of social media and the effects on your brain is a widely documented thing, but I'm not on other socials. It's just me and tumblr locked in my brain together, and tumblr doesn't exactly try to influence me like other socials are meant to do. But I also use this website as a way to continue to interact with the outside world, and continuing to shrink my social circle doesn't seem like the best move. But what do I know! I'm seeing tgirls post about being high and unemployed at three in the morning and I'm absolutely seething with envy, I clearly don't know what I'm doing or feeling anymore.

[yikes-ajax]

Yikes! No blog intro? No longer!

What's UP my DUDES, it's time to sit the FUCK up (seriously, straighten your back you animal) and LISTEN UP. I am the MOST disinteresting person you will EVER meet and yet here we are. My name is AJ or sometimes Roary (if you know you know, hey besties) and have the stupidest cat ever and that's IT. But to fill the void in my metaphorical and dead heart, and really just to appease my need to feel special, here's the basics.

I am:

- An adult (aka throwing more temper tantrums than I did as a kid)

- Bisexual

- Genderfluid, literally any pronouns are fine (just nothing dehumanizing, if you care)

- American (insert sigh here)

- Disabled (mobility and neurological)

Blog Navigation

Main: 🌟 You're here!

Sims blog: @yikes-a-simmer

Vent blog: @yikes-ajax-thats-sad

Trauma blog: @puppydog-eyes-kittycat-claws

Dogboy blog: @weewoof

Under the cut is just some extra info if you really feel like boring yourselves ↓

The

Nitty Gritty

For those who care about the details for some reason??

- I alternate between canes, crutches, and a wheelchair (my dad once called my car a medical store) so when I make stupid jokes about being crippled or shit it's because I'm disabled and don't know how to cope

- You don't need my health records (I am a simp for my neurologist and don't need your opinions from five minutes of searching google), but what I occasionally talk about and am comfortable sharing is that I have functional neurological disorder (fnd), non-epileptic seizures (thanks fnd), poor mobility (thanks again fnd), and so... So many mental issues, as you can probably guess, such as PTSD, the spicy kind of depression that needs 3 different meds to stabilize, a sensory processing disorder I was diagnosed with so long ago I don't remember the name of (is that mental or physical??), and other bullshit

- I've got severe social anxiety but I'm trying my best to get out of my shell, so don't hesitate to interact, just forgive my rambling and nervousness

- Surprise, surprise, I have dissociative identity disorder (did), and yes, I'm traumagenic if you really must use such stupid terms. I don't give a fuck about dumb syscourse, I think endos are offensive af but what do I know, I can't even parallel park and know how to stay in my own lane. I've been in the DID community, you can probably guess who I was if you do enough digging but I have no interest in revisiting that side of the Internet, it is the most toxic community I have ever seen

- I sometimes go dark, but I'm fine, I'm likely just busy or obsessed with a video game and my queue has ran out

Current interests (stuff I post in-between cat pics when I feel inclined): Critical role / dnd, star wars, crochet

Video games: Ark: survival evolved, star wars criminals, Minecraft teehee, Red dead redemption (1 and 2, yeehaw), skyrim

The

Cast

Rosie (the reject) and PJ (the pacifist turned genocidal but still total baby)

Rue (the mean ass) and Allie (the bottom of the food chain that is in perpetual fear, but hey, she has an extra toe so that's cool)

Meadow (weapon of mass destruction)

And me, AJ (the bitchass blog runner you'll hopefully never see the face of)

Do not interact:

My neighbors cat 😤😡🖕😾

Encouraged to interact:

Aliens, goblins, werewolves (hey mamas 😎), marine biologists, people who ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, little guys, little clown guys (THIS IS A SAFE SPACE FOR CLOWNS, I REPEAT, SILLY LITTLE GUYS ARE WELCOME!!), those discontent with their mortal flesh and wish to break to endless spiral of human destruction, little meow meows, anarchists, Dr. Gregory House (please fix me sir), that one hot chick from that one show I watched that one time, DILFS PLEASE, and stupid little fdufcking.. stupid little bitches

All in all,

I'm just here to have a good time and bring some laughter to anyone who wants it. My favorite thing to do is laugh and crack jokes, and if I can make someone else laugh with me, then my purpose here on earth is done. Though, I have a very dry and sarcastic humor that I know can sometimes be hard to read, so please just understand that I'm usually just playing around! I promise I'm not as mean as I seem!

You don't need to worry about anything upsetting here, I try not to post or reblog anything that could dampen someone's day, because not only are y'all here to escape, I am too. This blog will always be safe, I have no interest in discourse, don't care about a DNI, and rarely bother checking who follows me unless you're talking to me. Anonymous asks are on for fellow socially anxious lurkers that wanna talk, but be warned— don't diss my cat 👹

Thanks y'all, love you guys. Stay safe and sleep well ❤️

[changbinsdwa3kki]

say please smut

at this point im just writing this to cope with my post concert depression. this was a request from my silly cousin, yw. also jeongin is literally wrecking me so hard rn, im trying hard to stay loyal to binnie...

You moved in with your boyfriend, about a week ago... and his house was insane. Three story mansion with marble flooring, a beautiful view of Seoul, big pool, and your own room. Jeongin had just arrived home, and was in the shower, so you decided to make some dinner for him.

You heard footsteps come down the stairs, and you spun around to see Jeongin, with his wet messy hair. "Innie, you're back!" You smiled as he approached you. He smiled for a moment and looked at the food. "Babe, you okay?" He shook his head. "Stressful day." You frowned, stepping closer to him and kissing his cheek. "Is there anything I can do?" He pulled you in and smiled. "You know what I want." Jeongin smirked, holding your neck.

"Babyyy, you just got home." You giggled, planting a kiss on his cheek again. "I know but it's been so long." You laughed, wrapping your arms around him. Jeongin during sex was your favorite. He took your virginity, and you took his. He's actually the only person you ever fucked, so you can't compare him. Jeongin was a sweet person, and he was never super rough, and you enjoyed it, especially since you were a sensitive person. You guys barely started, and you were already crying your eyes out.

You tugged at his pants and smiled, before kissing his neck. "Honey, you moved in a week ago, and we still haven't done it here." He suddenly scooped you up and took you upstairs, placing you on the bed. You found yourself making out him with, your fingers tangled in his damp hair. You could feel him push down your shorts, and then your panties, as you two kissed. Without realizing, you felt your boyfriends cock slide inside you and you moaned loudly. "Ah, my sensitive girl." He muttered in between kisses. He moved back and forth slowly, knowing your limits, as he gripped your waist. His legs kept yours open.

"D-damn... my b-baby ah- b-bread's becoming m-more- ah- d-dominant. Oh...ah- oh g-god Innie..." you moaned out, throwing your head back. You could hear him slightly laugh. "I'm not even being rough." And before you knew it, he began speeding up, and boy, despite the pain, it felt amazing. Tears were forming in your eyes, as you bit your lip, letting your boyfriend fuck you harder and harder. "B-babe, I t-think I'm going to c-cum." You closed your eyes at the sound of Jeongins cock fucking your cunt real good. Before you knew it, cum was dripping from your pussy, and Jeongin was breathing heaily in your ear. "I think I'm going to cum too.."

"I-innie.... c-can you cum in me?" you moaned out.

"Say please..."

[fictionkinfessions]

I keep thinking about my early time in Inazuma and I just.

I need to send such a heartfelt thank you to Ayaka and Thoma (and even though we didnt interact at the time, Ayato as well for also allowing it)

Now, I had something a bit different from canon early Inazuma's events.

The canon talk with Ayaka and the mini errands still happened, but they were just day one.

I was furious and damn near a manic episode over the previous encounter with Lumine, so I was incredibly rude to them both during our first meeting. So my first thank you HAS to be thanking Ayaka and Thoma for giving me familiar tasks to help me calm down (even if it wasnt the full intention). An additional quick thank you to Paimon for trying to run damage control and overall allowing her panic to show Ayaka and Thoma what was going on even though you didnt really get it yourself.

The big shift from canon is what happened when I came back from the tasks. I had calmed down. Cleared my head. I was feeling a bit better. Just better enough to apologize for my behavior and agree to help best I could. On the condition they just let me rest and process some shit for a few days or so.

To be honest I had nearly shut down from sheer exhaustion by the time we got back to the estate (because of my own wild emotions. Not the tasks Ayaka gave to me). So I think the toll my mind was taking was fairly evident in my apperance at that point.

The two of them were so kind. They didnt even ask what had happened or why I needed it. (I did explain a bit/vented to Thoma abt it later) They agreed so quickly and Thoma rushed me off to a guest room like I could pass out any second (I cant say I wouldnt have but I did think it was a little silly at the time)

I ended up being in a really deep depression for about a week. Could barely even leave my bed. Scared Paimon half to death (sorry Paimon)

Ayaka was a bit more distant during that time than Thoma. I think some of my initial rudeness got to her or maybe it was just how shy she was that the infamous traveler was in her house. Im not quite sure/dont remember. But I'm sure we got much closer afterwards when I was no longer depressed, and I think she gave Paimon a lot of reassurance during it all.

But Thoma was in and out of my room multiple times on a daily basis. He was SO nice and caring. Brought me 3 meals a day, let me vent all I needed, offered advice even though he didnt fully understand the situation, he would even remind me about some basic self care (not in a pushy way but gentle reminders for "if I found the energy"). He'd even play with Paimon to help get her energy out (she would get REALLY antsy when we weren't doing much)

He EVEN put up with my accidental slip of terrible coping mechanisms (wont say here. Its horrifically embarassing.)

I honestly don't think I would've survived my trip to Inazuma if it weren't for their kindness. I can never thank them enough. I don't even remember all of that week, nor everything about my continued relationships with Ayaka and Thoma, but I just cannot shake the deep seated need to thank them both for eternity. I can never thank them enough honestly. They practically saved my life. They gave me a safe space to process things. If they didnt let me stay with them I likely wouldve withered away within my teapot. They felt like some of the few people who not only knew EVERYTHING about my situation, but also knew how fucking traumatizing it all was, and knew exactly how I had gotten to the point I did.

God. I care about them both so much.

Ayaka, Thoma, seriously. Thank you both. So so so so so SO much. Your kindness was never forgotten, in that life nor in this one.

~Aether 🕯♟

🌷

[arabellawearsblack]

okay but i genuinely can't explain what they mean to me, both of them, together and individually. i connect with matteo on such a deep level with his internalized homophobia and his mom who has mental health issues and the way he uses alcohol and drugs to soothe the pain, to make it more bearable, and how he more than anything doesn't want to be alone and yet he won't let anyone close enough either, the way he pushed jonas and hannah away, even carlos and abdi, and the way he is so clearly neurodivergent with his sensory issues and his sensitivity, like rip my heart out a little more with the display of anxiety and over stimulation and depression, fuck. and then there's david, and his fight to just fucking be him, and all the shit he had to go through and his stupid parents who wouldn't accept him even though he is literally an angel on earth and he just wants to be david and make wonderful short films about friendship and be silly and open, but he had to hide that side of himself in order to survive and it's so fucking unfair how much of your childhood and adolescence and life in general you spend hiding and masking and running away just because you're queer in one way or the other, and i relate to him with his mentality of just running away from it all, backing out before it gets too real because life has already been too real and you were far too young to go through it the first few times, and the people who were supposed to always have your back didn't, so it's no wonder that he pisses off, that he isolates himself and tries with all his might to just stay afloat. and then there's the two of them together, like a perfect fucking blend of all of their insecurities and strengths all packed into one companionship, because that's what i love the most about them, they are so much more than just lovers, they are friends and they are each others companions through this thing called life, and they're just fucking trying their best to unlearn their unhealthy coping mechanisms that life made them create, because they know that in the company of each other they don't need those coping mechanisms, they don't need to run away or hide their goofiness or their queerness, no they can just fucking BE for once in their life and it is honestly like a breath of air after treading water and constantly going under the surface, because they just let their guards down, like matteo rarely even talks because he's finally in the company of someone who doesn't ask too much from him or push him to do things a certain way, he's finally able to just be mute if he wants to because he knows that david gets it, he understand matteo on such a deep level that i get so envious because im not sure i'll ever get to experience that, and david can finally stop running and instead crash into the consistency and stability that is matteo's love and fuck it is so beautiful. i'm not ok.

[dolphin-enthusiast]

bună seara, dragă mea 🌹🌜✨ ahh i hope i wrote that correctly,, another romanian friend of mine taught me that haha, he teaches me romanian phrases in exchange for me teaching him bits of italian ☀ ah, so much to address no? well, i'll just start off by saying i wasn't expecting my friend to expose my problems like that,, i'm not mad at all, just surprised. let me first say that i am okay as of writing this. i have eaten and hydrated and have been taking naps all day, i am stable. (1/9)

"my older brother and other siblings have been taking good care of me, and two of my friends came to sneak me out of the house for a bit and bought me food. so i am fairly calm right now (2/9)

now then, about that person, it was just some texts i woke up to that caught me off guard, my friends are apparently planning to go after this person, even though i insisted on not making this a big deal, and frankly i didn't wanna worry you all either, i feel bad when i do. (3/9)

sadly i hear a lot of horrid things directed at me on a daily basis, so this is quite ordinary and there's not much i can do about it, i cope by trying to stay positive for others and be as kind/loving as i can since i usually don't have people to treat me that way, you're quite the exception, what i thought of as a stupid question blossomed into something i could never imagine, and i was shocked to see how everyone, including you, took to me quite quickly (and not in a joking way either) (4?/9)

i'm not used to it at all, so i mean it from the bottom of my heart when i say that everything you guys say and do means the world to me, i get overwhelmed with positive emotion when you all treat me so sweetly, i truly couldn't ask for anything more. that being said, i wasn't planning to open up about my mental health on this account (since i don't wanna talk about these dark subjects when trying to brighten other's days),, (5/9)

but i guess it's warranted now so hopefully you all can understand me better and not worry as much, i suffer from multiple mental illnesses, two different depressive disorders, an anxiety disorder, and body dysmorphia, some from genetics and others from trauma. i try to keep it on the down-low to not bring down anyone's moods, so i be as cheerful as i can. i'm professionally treated for it, so please don't fret. it really went downhill during the start of this pandemic and declined since (6/9)

i was absolutely miserable, and having dealt with many s*icid*l tendencies, self hatred, and lots of destructive habits, i was truly falling apart my sister introduced me to your blog sometime in january, and even though i did not have a tumblr, i still greatly enjoyed checking it everyday with her and requesting things from time to time, it's a nice escape from the world i live in, and after months of checking your blog, i decided to interact a bit more with that silly ask of mine. (7/9)

it really is a miracle that we formed such a bond, it's truly the best thing to have happened this year, i love having such a meaningful connection and getting to experience some positivity everyday i am completely serious when i say that you and the followers give me something to look forward to everyday, and you all have helped me to stay a little longer on this planet. i owe you all so much for that, so i still plan on popping up everyday to cheer you all up,, (8/9)

i could never thank you all enough, you all truly do mean the world to me 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 i can't wait to come back tomorrow with something more lighthearted, so please keep being extraordinary, because i'd hate to lose connection with any of you - from the bottom of my heart and soul, with much love, your local waifu xoxo 💘 ps: i can't wait to hopefully meet someday morgy darling, there's lots i'd love to do, so that's another reason for me to stay alive a little longer 💞 (9/9)"

Dear this is quite alot so i'll just start by saying that im flattered u greeted me in romanian😳✌️ i dont wanna pull a ghiaccio but although dragă does exist in this context it would be more like "bună seara dragA mea" but it really doesnt matter bc my wig is snatched and i was n o t expecting this ddhxhddj

Trivial matters aside, you shouldnt feel pressured into opening up on here even though some things surfaced but you did it nonetheless and im proud of u bc i myself would rather y e e t than talk abt myself and personal issues🤡🤡🤡 but aNywAyS let me start off by saying that again, you shouldnt get used to horrid things being said to u. Its fucking tragic that u get treated like this meanwhile all u do is be kind and care for others, but them treating u like that is entirely THEIR fault and u should never feel guilty for it. And keep telling others if shit happens (including us if u want) since we're all gonna do some good ol' as whooping @ the ppl that talk shit😤👋

I wont reveal much but just so you know i completely understand what you're going through and felt what you described in ur letter on a spiritual level, although i know just saying "i relate" doesnt really help. Its unfortunate and unfair ur goin thru this and yes i agree the pandemic did only worsen things (even for myself) and its really shitty🗿🗿im glad u at least had siblings that took care of u and made sure u felt better in no time doe

As always seeing u say that me and my blog cheered u up and motivated u to go on truly is smth like...w o w i never expected any of this to have such a major impact on anyone when i first made this blog as half of a joke lmao hdhxxhdj but im glad it helped u and other ppl so that means i'll just have to keep on running it😳😳😳 you really dont have to thank us for anything since we enjoy brightening up ur day and i have to ageee it IS a miracle how all of this came to be but thats exactly why its goddamn wig snatching ahsydjdkf

Also bro to say u have another reason to stay alive just to meet me....😞😞 Take care of urself bro