#(this is the recent incident im referring to)

[exploding-car-hammer]

now that i've spammed and am for sure getting fucking banned, i will talk about Matt and why what he did is fucking disgusting and horrendous

many transgender individuals have had safe for work selfies and other pictures of themselves taken down or flagged on account of being nsfw. this is blatant transphobia due to multiple reasons

1. tagging something related to transgender individuals as nsfw when it is clearly sfw helps to perpetuate the bigoted myth that being transgender is a fetish or kink

2. by censoring our existence you are actively preventing us from even trying to defend ourselves from bigotry or attempting to correct stereotypes or harmful misinformation

recently the incidents have crossed the boundary even farther than usual with the banning of predstrogen. she had the thing described above happen to her because it had been mass reported by terfs and other transphobic individuals. after having the photo taken down she made a joke about wishing the ceo of tumblr @photomatt (im for some reason not allowed to tag him anymore) wash in a car crash involving explosions and hammers. he took this joke seriously and decided to do 2 things

1. ban her because he couldn't take a joke amd he couldn't handle having his transphobia called out

2. threatened to call the fbi on her because he couldn't take a joke and couldn't handle being called out

now i don't know if you know this but organizations like the fbi don't particularly have a great history with minorities. so calling them is basically equivalent to Matt walking up to her and shooting her in the face. if the fbi was called it wouldn't be a raid or a peaceful capture, it would be an execution.

and now we move on to what is currently happening. multiple users have been banned for joking about the situation or discussing it and he's attempting to hide evidence of his actions while also lying about what happened. his defensive statements only make him look worse because of his lies and other reasons such as referring to pred as "it" (according to her bio pred uses she/him). this is extreme transphobia and it needs to be pointed out, called out, and discussed. if these things happen we could hopefully see Matt pay for his actions (there's a legitimate legal case against him btw just pointing that out).

anyways im going to be posting this to my cohost and tranfem social accounts because im probably getting banned and i would like what i said here to be preserved.

don't be quiet.

your voice is important in this situation

[billskeis]

Hey.. I recently read that fic “On the bus” AND IM GOING CRAZY. PLEASE PLEASE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP AND BEGGING ON MY FUCKIN KNEES, MAKE ANOTHER ONE🙏🙏 I’m SOSOSO DESPERATE (totes fine if you don’t!)

hehe bill and his luv for semi-public sex :3

˖ ࣪ ⟢ in the dressing room

bill is an insatiable man. like holy shit, he is always never satisfied having been on tour and the road for so long that jerking off to pictures of you isn’t cutting out for him. he needs you, bad. so when rumours has it that you’re joining the band for his last concert he is over the moon.

you could tell.

you could tell by the way his hands will linger on the dip of your back as he presses his chest against your body from behind you, soon sliding his hands down to the curve of your ass for a light squeeze. he breathes in your scent as he watches your face flash a bright red, immediately shoving him off as a smirk decorates his face.

“bill. not now. there’s people around.”

“and when has that ever stopped you?”

oh so referring to the first time that the two of you fornicated on the tour bus while the rest of the band was on it, possibly more. your eyebrow twitches in irritation, and embarrassment as, of course, he had to bring that up.

“you little shit.”

“you know you want me.”

and he was right. the way he leaned against the kitchen counter facing you as you turned to look at him directly. his jeans hung low that his star tattoo peaked from beneath the seams, mini t-shirt revealing his midriff that left your mouth to water. a smirk curved onto his lips as he quirked an eyebrow to you. suggestive, of course, but irresistible.

a bead of sweat dripped down your forehead as you and bill for sure will get scolded by their manager. when it happened the first time you wouldn’t even begin to hear the end of it. going off on how it wasn’t even concerning how disrespectful it was to fuck around while people were there but if “you and bill were going to do it, do it quietly.”

you had that man on a leash as he practically skipped behind you as the both of you waltzed towards his dressing room. closing and locking the door shut as soon as the both of you shoved yourselves within the private area. he couldn’t help his giggling until you slapped him on the shoulder and he winced with a “ow :(.”

“mm.. fuck—!”

he had your tummy pressed up against the wall as he slid his length in. oh how your gummy walls fit around his length so perfectly bill’s jaw hung so low as spit threatened to fall out onto your ass as he watched his cock disappear into you.

hissing, bill didn’t even wait for you to tell him when he can move as his body spoke on its own. deep strokes against your cunt as his tip forced harsh kisses against your cervix.

“y-you couldn’t wait!?”

“what? yer gunna tell on me?? tell my manager that i was so impatient to fuck you?”

“fuck you.. ah!”

angling his hips, he fucks against your g spot in a slow and rhythmic manner. despite your lack of compliance with his wishes to have sex, you’re for sure moaning like someone who would die for it. taking his hand, bill shoves two of his fingers in your mouth, allowing you to suckle on the digits and coat them with your saliva.

“quiet, schatzi, don’t want another incident.. do we?”

saying that as if he isn’t purposely jerking his hips hard enough into yours that leaves your legs shaking and cunt quivering with pleasure. waves of ecstasy can only surge through your limbs as he drags in and out and in and out of your sweet pussy. relishing in the wet noises of how skin sounds together, bill emits a breathy moan into your ears sending shivers down your spine.

“god baby you feel so good..”

“i guess i c-could say the same,”

“hmm c’mon baby don’t lie you love this cock.”

one could say hearts began to form in your eyes with the way his fat tip hit up into your cunt just right. feeling every single vein of his swollen length as he mercilessly pounds into you against the wall, your body impacting against the wall with a tempo to a thud.

getting frisky has its perks, but you will potentially have to ear another lecture by the manager a few hours from now.

you thrash from between the wall and bill as you feel your orgasm coming. that is, until a knock is heard from the door that was only a couple inches beside you.

“bill? you in there?”

it’s tom.

leaning into your ear, bill teasingly whispers, “answer him, or else i’ll stop. right here, and right now. your choice, liebe.”

and that pet name just drips off his tongue like honey. you pout and whine, hoping that it’ll get him to crack, but he only smiles at you. a taunting smile. as you open your mouth to speak, bill begins moving his hips again. this time, faster than before, seemingly to chase after his own orgasm. how unfair!

“h-hi tom..”

“oh! y/n, i thought you’d be in there, may i come inside—”

“NONO! p-please—ngh..—don’t.. i’m uh, i’m changing..!”

bill snakes his hand under your crop top as he holds onto your tit, pinching the bud and kneading the flesh of your body to his liability. licking and nipping at your neck to further initiate a conversation with his older brother. your brain is mushy and cock drunk as you struggle to get the words out.

“ooookay.. where’s bill then?”

“wah..w-washroom~!” with a hard thrust, bill hilted the whole of his cock into your cunt, pelvic bone resting flush against the curve of your ass as he trembles from behind you.

“fucker.. he beat me to it, i needed to take a shit, well! see ya y/n!”

“b-bye!”

behind the sound of bill’s small thrusts, you can hear footsteps getting quieter and quieter. seems like tom finally left! you turn your head to look back at your boyfriend with tears in your eyes, biting your lips that swelled from how hard you bit on them to hide your noises.

“you’re.. *huff* you’re mean..”

“i love you too baby.”

having not realized, bill pulls out as beads of white spill out of your cunt, he came and you didn’t even know it. probably because you were too occupied with having to avert a crisis with tom catching you and his twin brother in the act that he came inside of you. thank god for birth control amiright?

“how ‘bout, i make it up to you, hm?”

bill is slowly kneeling down to face your cunt, sticking out his tongue as he lets his own seed fall onto it. he begins to lap at your folds, sensitive, but having not come yet, you already feel the bubble begin to form even bigger in your tummy as he flicks his tongue on your clit.

greedily eating at your cunt, bill thanks you for the meal before his show tonight as you pet his head from below you.

“s’good mama, wanna do this before everyyyy show.. how s’that sound?”

bill is a cum eater cause i said so fuck you :3

hey i’m alive , for long ? idk .. i just got diagnosed with postnasal drip so YIPEE SICKNESS !!! praying for a speedy recovery 😔

[actualbird]

for funsies, i made a timeline of luke's past (aka everything notable Before main story route/personal route timeline divergence fuckery)

some interesting things i noticed while i was making this

i checked, and there really is no instance in canon where it was mentioned exactly how old luke was when his parents died. the closest thing i had to a clue was the general sentiment that they died when he was young enough that he didnt have many memories of them. however, that could still be any young age because 1) idk abt you but i barely remember anything earlier than the age of 10, and 2) there is a possibility that luke blocked off those memories due to the trauma of loss and grief

the duration of time between when he arrived in central and when he got recruited to the NSB is not specified but all references i found of the events imply that they happened VERY CLOSE TO EACH OTHER, LIKE, SHORTLY, PROMPTLY. meaning luke was 16 when he was recruited. Pain. that is Just A Boy

there's probably a way to reverse-math-equation what year the Toxic Gas Incident and Luke Acquiring His Illness happened, but im not smart enough to count. however, given the nature of his illness, those events mustve happened somewhat close to his return to stellis, because he wasnt given that long of a lifespan prognosis after he acquired his illness

there is an unidentified amount of time where luke had already returned to stellis but did NOT reunite with MC. this is referenced in SR A Star in The Palm (and again later on in a recently released CN server card), but it's not mentioned anywhere exactly how much time he spent hiding from her. my guess was that it was a few months, maybe

conclusion: man, luke's late teens to early twenties were horrible. he shouldve been at the club

[soppingwetrat]

I've been seeing a lot of people complaining that tmagp isn't independent from tma, as in, you need to have watched tma in order to understand what is going on in tmagp, but i don't really think that's the case. for example:

- when Sam got and emali from "Jon", tma fans understood that this is a ref to Jonathan Sims. non-tma fans don't have that understanding, but they understand that this is clearly weird, as no one with that name works at the OIAR. the effect is the same

- when Gerry and Gertrude appeared, both non-tma fans and tma fans understood that Gerry used to be in the institute as a kid, and that Gertrude is reluctant and untrusting of Sam and Celia. there is no additional context from tma needed to understand that scene

- the character of Celia is suspicious regardless if you've seen tma or not, her weirdness is very well established outside of the fact that she also appears in tma (keen interest in the incidents, waking up in random places, weird questions etc)

- Gwen's last name (Bouchard) is also something that tma fans would recognize immediately, but recently they specifically mentioned the "Cheshire Bouchards", clearly trying to draw attention to her last name. tma knowledge is no longer needed to understand that her name Means Something

- all the other characters from tma that appeared have (so far) been completely different people. they're an alt version of themselves, so knowing them from tma is not required to understand any of their scenes or dialogue

the only thing that you could make a case for is Chester and Norris' voices and connecting them to Jon and Martin, but even that could be easily solved with a quick google search. all u need to know is that they were 2 main characters from tma, whose faith is left ambiguous at the end of the show, and now their vas are voicing Chester and Norris, the 2 ai programs

so far all tma references have only allowed tma fans to catch on that something is sus quicker, but it's clear that the writers put effort in dropping different clues other than just "this character used to appear in tma too!" and I'm sure there'll be even more as the series goes on

if anyone knows something i missed, feel free to point it out, im very interested! but from what we've seen so far, i really don't think a tmagp-only fan would be confused by the direction of the plot, as i feel that things are well established outside of their connections to tma

[kkolg]

Hi there! I recently was recommend your Abyss animatic on YouTube and was like… whoa…. WHAT IS THIS I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS AU‼️I’ve been scrolling through your tumbler for several days just soaking in everything about The New Dawn and I was curios what’s happening in this world. are they in an apocalypse of some sort? Either I didn’t scroll far enough on your Tumbler to know more or you just haven’t revealed yet 💀 . Don’t spill anything you don’t want to, I am here for it all.

Trust me you are NOT ALONE 😭😭, I probably should’ve mentioned that I’m super bad at writing down my thoughts when it comes to storytelling in general BUT IM HERE TO CLEAR THINGS UP NOW I SWEAR‼️‼️ The New Dawn AU summary will be under the cut as it might be a bit long lol ANYWAYS THANKS FOR BEING SO INTERESTED IN THE STORY THAT YOU ASKED AND I APOLOGIZE FOR ALL THE CONFUSION 🙏🧎‍♀️also disclaimer because I’m writing this before the season finale some things may change to be in further line with the show which is another reason I didn’t write out the story before BUT ANYWAYS ENJOY‼️‼️

So basically after the events of the show N and Uzi defeat the solver with the power of friendship (also V’s back idk) and they go back to outpost 3 and are like “YIPEEEE WEVE FINALLY DEFEATED THE ABSOLUTE SOLVER WITH THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP ALSO DO I HEAR A SONG COMING ON???” And then they all start dancing and Uzi is essentially the new leader of the colony (if you couldn’t tell this part of the story is not that important but you can interpret what I said here as fully cannon in the au if you want lol)

Not too long after that N is like “hey can we try to like reform the disassembly drones and let them into the colony?” And Uzis like “wait that’s an amazing idea” and then they make out but that’s not important- so they go out and start telling all the disassemblys they can find that the solver is gone and can’t spread anymore and that living with the workers is actually pretty lit. A good lot of them are like “woah I didn’t know you were chill like that” and most of them go to live in outpost 3, a few of them are skeptical and still wanna eat workers so not all of the disassembly are chill but most of them are.

While doing this they come across a disassembly drone named A and he’s like “sure I’ll join” and he does…..but he’s not a very cool guy- I plan to make a comic about this so I’m gonna be vague and just say turns out he’s insane and N basically exiled him from the colony.

Fast forward like a month from that incident and Kim is created, finally, and the Doorman’s live happily ever af- WRONG turns out A ganged up with all of the other mean disassembly drones and try’s to just OBLITERATE the colony during a raid and whoopdeedo Thad dies but I’ll make a comic about that later so I won’t get too detailed. OH YEAH KIM IS ALSO ABSOLUTELY TRAUMATIZED SO THATS GREAT-

Fast forward a few years and now we’re in the current time of where most of my comics/drawings take place. Kim is older and looks in the forbidden trauma closet that N and Uzi said never to look in but rebellious child I guess, and he finds stuff about the solver. Getting curious he pulls an Uzi to leave the colony and try to find out what the fuck this thing is and OH NO X JUMPSCARE, again another thing I’ll probably make a comic about but they fight, X says that a certain guy she knows might know about the solver thingy, they become buddies, C-1 is also there- weird visions start to make Kim have a robot seizures, and that’s kinda where we’re at rn

I hope this cleared up a lot of questions you guys may have had and I’ll be adding a link to this post on my pinned in case you ever need to refer back to this‼️‼️

anyways byeeeeeee

[anthroposeen]

tmagp 16 relisten notes!!

spoilers for ep 16 under the cut, and also some tma spoilers as well since i cross-reference for theories! :)

celia:

- she physically and verbally comforts alice even though they've had some rocky interactions in the recent past, and she comes off as genuine when giving alice her support

- "i believe you/im serious" -> there isn't a glitch after these lines, and i think its fair to say celia is from the tma universe, the question now is how much she knows/understands/remembers from the fearpocolypse

sam:

- despite being more distant with alice in recent episodes, he's still helping her and checking up on her

- "so that would be Z for zombie?" i thought this was a cute little callback, but also isolated the line because its the first instance we have of sam initiating a bit/joke and alice failing to continue it

- he checks in on alice after they hear Madam E die in the incident and leaves his desk with celia to see about her after she leaves

alice:

- "i haven't seen someone die since..." im taking this to mean that she saw one or both of her parents die and a part of why the drowning victim has shaken her so hard is because its a flashback to those memories

- the woman she met in the alleyway was announced dead by the paramedics immediately, they said she had a lot of water in her lungs and discounted the possibility she could walk or speak

- "maybe that i'm finally losing it" -> i dont think alice is as knowledgeable about the paranormal as we think. she definitely knows more than shes letting on, but i suspect whatever she knows is specific to the oiar and whatever power has touched her life. similar to georgie in tma s3, she knew the paranormal existed and trusted in jon's circumstances but she had little context for her belief, since the only fear she had encountered before was the end. i think alice is operating under a similar world view, and this event does make her question her sanity (shes mentioned old coworkers going odd before, and i think its a genuine worry she has for herself as well as sam and celia)

- she's very blunt and obviously upset after the incident ends, leaving to go get coffee and rebuffing sam as he tries to see about her

gwen:

- she's frustrated that the rest of the team left after the incident and she's alone in the office, and becomes even more aggravated by lena interrupting this to berate her

- she defends lady mowbray's civility (after lena calls externals dangerous) by saying shes a real lady, implying that since she's nobility she wouldn't behave rashly (like mr. bonzo)

- she's frustrated that lena is reprimanding her for breaking a rule she was never told about, and isn't given enough information to gauge risk on her own

- she expresses stress over the real dangers of her job, feeling its unfair she's expected to talk to externals alone without training when they're too dangerous and unpredictable to visit the offices

- despite all of her concerns, she still demands to keep her position and continue her work

lena:

- she's very (reasonably) angry at gwen for inviting lady mowbray to the office

- she says that bringing externals to the office is dangerous and poses risks to personnel

- she explains that the operation to keep balance with the externals, and to exercise power over them, is dependent on how they keep relationships with them. as in, the externals have to be kept at an arms length and not introduced to internal affairs staff to avoid losing the fear and respect the oiar exerts over them. without control over the externals, they lose balance and they may become targets

- she agrees to think on training gwen for a full position as the externals liason

incident:

- narrated by chester/jon, i think this falls into his normal thematic elements of curiosity killing the cat

- most of the incident is told through youtube video format, voiced by the influencer 'Madam E', a goth (im assuming beauty and lifestyle vlog influencer?) youtuber. She got to know ink5oul through online connections

- she received a heart tattoo (unsure of the placement, but i was imagining it over her real heart or ribcage?)

- the tattoo process seems incredibly painful even in this circumstance, and just like in ep 2, the recipient doesnt seem to know the design theyll get until they wake up from the session

- i think the heart tattoo (called the heart's desire by ink5oul) played a role in manipulated Madam E's emotions for them, seeing as how they began a (using ajn's exact terms) situationship following the session

- when Madam E questions ink5oul about how they come up w their design concepts they get cagey and won't disclose their secret method, but offer Madam E a chance to grave rob with them (assuming this is related to the design process)

- "dig." [bruh!] gave me hp damage

- "don't make me break your heart" this is obviously referring to the tattoo and her emotional state, but i think it ties into the tattoo manipulating the subject -> "i could feel the words in my chest"

- Madam E throws out the idea that ink5oul is stealing tattoo concepts from dead bodies, but i dont think thats the exact case. i think that bodies like the one found in ep 11 feed into ink5oul's power and creativity as inspiration and likely as a paranormal energy source of some kind, but this seems more akin to them studying the works of old important artists (and alchemists) and using those techniques to create their art

- ink5oul responds with a callout video targeting Madam E, and i suspect it was about her accusing them of stealing art, not about the grave robbing (which seems a bigger insult to me)

- "it hurts/ i can feel it" referencing the hate messages she's receiving while touching her heart. she then leans forward to show the camera you can physically see a difference (im assuming her tattoo was altered in some way)

- Madam E posted and recalled a video titled "help", then posts a video from a hospital bed where she is clearly ill, stating she has heart problems. the doctors said it was an infection from the tattoo

- she dies on-screen after coughing and choking, but theres a slushie cracking sound as she flatlined (what i'de call wet gore not dry gore) which indicates a problem messier and more visceral than regular heart issues

glitches/lies:

none

extra comments:

- as expected, ink5oul is going to be a reoccurring character functioning similar to a tma avatar. i don't think ink5oul is an external since they seem to be moving independently with their own agenda (and its clear they don't play well with others)

- there seems to be a rift forming between gwen and the rest of her coworkers, and she's been reacting hostile to both them and lena, but has been adamant about continuing her work with the externals. isolating herself from the others while conducting her own missions is a plotline johhny and alex explored plenty in tma (jon, basira, martin) so im excited to see how her journey branches from the themes they've already explored

- this incident falls into line with others chester has narrated, it deals with a person who sought out a relationship with the paranormal and got hurt because of it, though this seems to be targeted at alice moreso than sam (the person chester has narrated to the most), sending a message about how entanglement with the paranormal often leads to bad things. i also picked up on how Madam E says that comments, likes, and views specifically cause her harm, that her social reward had turned into a punishment. this is a pretty clear parallel to alice's situation with sam and celia (she's loosing her hold as the nonchalant, uncaring, funny girl and falling into more awkward and upsetting situations -> this episode she makes one half hearted joke about the victim she met before she moves on)

- huge shout out to ajn for the meta parallels in this episode. every time Madam E was hurt by a commebt i was also brutally stabbed by her garish use of slang. with every new sentence she spoke i felt hours of my lifespan dissolve, truly incredible writing in terms of twisting the meta knife and pouring lemon juice into it

- i think this falls into the category of 'body' (going off of the alchemic trinity of mind, body, and soul) but i could see an argument for any of these categories as well. in the episode, the incident is a category 1, but im not sure if these categories are a reference to the alchemic trinity, to externals, or other factors.

[altschmerzes]

Hello! Just recently got into Ted Lasso and I'm really enjoying your fics! The characterization is just chefs kiss and the plots are just wonderful. I was just wondering how Roy reacts to the Jamie's poster in the baby AU? I feel like he would have lots of feelings about it. TBH I'm not exactly what those feelings would be, just that he had a lot of them. Hope you have a nice day!

im so glad you’re enjoying my work, thank you so much!!

and OH yeah he absolutely has a lot of feelings about it. a LOT. especially because of the context in which he learns about it. the poster is a secret much, much longer than in canon - they don’t talk about it at the gala and roy doesn’t actually find out about it until he sees it with his own eyes.

this is a bit of an explanation of some events around the 2x08 of it all in wriggle up so if anyone wants to go into that not knowing anything, im putting it under a cut! also cw for pretty direct references to child abuse.

so basically the crux of the 2x08 equivalent events in this fic is the discovery that jamie is 100% definitely without a doubt being abused, and he is currently seriously hurt after a particularly violent incident of abuse. there’s a confrontation with his father a la 2x08 and ted and roy end up taking him to a hospital after that because it becomes clear to them that he’s like. he is hurt and he needs medical attention. this is also how he actually Leaves his dad’s home for good. there’s some conversations with doctors and social workers at the hospital and ultimately ted takes him home and he never goes back to his dad’s place after that.

one of the things that happens in the next couple of days though is he needs his things. so, despite the fact that he’s sixteen and doesn’t need a babysitter, he’s dropped off with the higgins family to look after him while ted, roy, beard, and rebecca drive up to manchester to pay his dad a visit and make a few things clear about how things are gonna be from here on. (ie you will stay away and leave him alone, we’re here to get his things, if you make trouble we can make far worse trouble for you)

so they go to gather his things. beard and rebecca stay to make sure james doesn’t cause an issue while ted and roy go to get his things together. so roy is the one to first go into his room, and that’s where he sees the poster on the wall, clearly having been transported through a few moves, a little battered, and it just. breaks him. it’s the first time he cries about any of this, and he cries hard, though he also is careful to stay as quiet as he can because he doesn’t want jamie’s father to hear from the other room. ted is confused and alarmed until he sees what roy is looking at and well. yeah.

they’re very careful in removing the poster from the wall and rolling it up to take it with them. they don’t want to risk tearing it - it’s clearly very, very important to jamie. so they take it along and leave it in his room at ted’s along with the rest of his things for him to find so he can unpack and set it up however he wants.

[penelopepitstopp]

hi sorry to bother you and you don't have to answer if you don't want to but I was curious as I've heard some stuff about the reasons ed stopped doing his double act with ray peacock but you seem like you'd know more so I was just wondering if you could elaborate what happened?

again feel free to ignore im just quite new to off menu and only really know james's past stuff xx

I've had a few questions like this from people and sorry I've never answered them before but I was never quite sure what to say to be honest.

It's obviously quite sensitive for both sides and is not something I feel like I should comment on as they both kept what happened mostly private.

However, I do understand I probably know more than most thanks to being introduced to their podcast at a stupidly young age (thank you older foster brother) and keeping up with Ed’s career, and thought that perhaps me saying what I know to be true will be better than people speculating.

I do have my own personal opinions on some things but I'll leave them out of this and keep it to just what they have said or done publicly so it's purely objective, and be as respectful as I can (also I have not kept up with Ian's career so most of the more recent stuff is second hand from people who have)

(Oh, also I will refer to Ray as Ian as that is his actual name and he chooses to no longer go by Ray)

So, okay, this is what's out there:

- First a bit of background: Ian is quite a bit older than Ed (13 years) but met Ed when he was at university as he did a show there. Ian said he liked Ed because he was by far the most polite boy who came up to him. He later offered Ed a job as a director for his Edinburgh show.

- Ed continued to help Ian out during uni and after he left, Ian would occasionally get him gigs.

- When Ian started the The Ray Peacock podcast with Raji James, Ed was initially a guest but pretty soon became another host. He was still only 21 at the time. The podcast later went on to become The Peacock and Gamble podcast which was massively successful for the time.

- Ed was still living with his mum at the time but seemed to also spend a lot of days/nights at Ian's too. They were clearly extremely close.

- The podcast naturally lead on to them becoming a double act which they toured and took to Edinburgh. They tried to get some telly shows commissioned but none of them got the green light. They kept mainly to live shows, radio, and occasional guest spots on telly.

- During their time doing the podcast, Ian was diagnosed with depression (he would talk about this openly sometimes and has since done a mental health podcast)

- Ed never talked about anything like that at the time but has since talked about struggling with managing his type 1 and body image issues after he lost weight, so I don't think it would be unfair to say they both probably weren't at their best mentally around this time.

- An incident happened during their time on Fubar radio where Ed felt slighted by the station bosses (I believe they were not paying him judging by what he said to John Robins) and he decided he didn't want to work for them. Ian liked the steady gig so continued on as a solo show.

- Ed started to get a lot more solo gigs and telly work, along with many others of his generation of comics. Touring with Greg also helped him massively.

- Ian has admitted he went a bit crazy on twitter for a while. During one of Ed's early solo Edinburgh runs, Ed did a promotional interview. He didn't mention Ian and this caused Ian to send a number of very passive aggressive tweets to him which Ed didn't engage with. All tweets were later deleted.

- Ed tweeted at a slightly later date something that was not directly at Ian but was assumed to be. I will be paraphrasing a lot here but it was basically something like "Your life hasn't gone the way you wanted. I'm sorry. But don't use that as an excuse to ruin my night." Rob Beckett also got involved, again not mentioning anyone directly, but appearing to stand up for Ed.

- All of their old podcast episodes were later no longer available on official sources.

- Ian did a Q&A on his podcast after he and Ed has split up and was asked if they were still friends. He said they didn't speak anymore. He did also however, cut ties with almost everyone in comedy.

- Another time Ian confirmed he was the one who stopped talking to Ed. He did not elaborate as to why.

- However in more recent years they have at least had some communication. Ian did a retrospective on the Ray Peacock podcast and it pushed him to call Ed. I did not hear this myself but have heard from others it was quite sweet.

- Ed has mentioned Ian by name a few times on various podcasts and always seems to have no ill will. He has said he is grateful and was very lucky to be given the opportunity by him. He also said he wouldn't be where he is today were it not for people like Ian and Greg Davies taking a chance on him.

- After the tragic death of the comedian Gareth Richards last year, Ian tweeted that he and Ed had spoken and agreed to re-release the interview they did with him for the podcast. As far as I'm aware that's the most recent occurrence of them mentioning each other.

And yeah, that's pretty much all I think. And while I won't say any more on the matter, I will say that their podcast was a massive part of my childhood and they both provided me with so many hours of laughter. So wherever they are with each other now (and I hope that they are broadly fine), their time as a double act was fantastic and meant a lot to a lot of weirdos. And nothing can change that :)

[freyito]

HI ITS KENSHI ARM ANON HERE TO ASK for smth-

May I ask for Kenshi with a ftm reader who wears dresses and such, he's super feminine in style and all, but gets really uncomfortable one day when someone refers to him as a girl and starts to shy away from the style he likes because of it?

IM NOT PROJECTING WITH THIS ASK WDYM???!?!

projecting.... together, my dear anon. we are in this together.

apply my recent experience to this as well, soooo... changing it just a little. ANYWAYS... uhm. been wanting to writing this for a bit but i am an adhd freak and my mind is everywhere all at once... el oh el

lowkey inspired by puttin on the ritz by taco?? might make a little fic based off it too cause this made me fall head over heels for yakuza kenshi ough

little edit: this might be my favorite thing i've written. im genuinely proud of this and. ugh. yakuza kenshi.

cw: male reader, ftm reader, catcalling, pre-blind kenshi, ... yakuza kenshi cause he's been in my head, fluff, not proofread

ᴋᴇɴꜱʜɪ ᴛᴀᴋᴀʜᴀꜱʜɪ + ᴀɴ ᴜɴᴄᴏᴍꜰᴏʀᴛᴀʙʟᴇ ꜰᴛᴍ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

Kenshi loves your style. He is proud to know that his boyfriend is not afraid to dress how he likes. And he makes it known.

Particularly, he loves spinning you around, dancing, anything when you are wearing a flowy dress. Serotonin, really. It's pure joy on his AND your end.

And he loves to know that you are happy dressing as such. It is the one thing he thrives on. Getting pictures from you, in every little outfit, while he's out. It is the highlight of his day. His entire camera roll is full of just you.

Kenshi cannot spend as much time with you as he'd wish, however. To keep you out of the spotlight, for one. He'd love nothing more than to parade you around, show you off to his 'buddies', maybe even competitors. He's cocky, like that.

In this instance, however, he's finally got some time with you. Even if it's lurking in some shady alley, the evening sun descending over the city. A less than savory scene, yet just basking in your presence is enough to make it worth it.

This particular dress is one Kenshi bought for you. An expensive gift for his sweet, a Chiffon loose sundress, decorate with beautiful floral patterns. Vintage. He believes you look quite dashing in it.

Across the alley, someone calls out. Something something, objectifying. "Wish I had a girl like that," That's really all you can catch before your world devolves into static. An uncomfortable feeling sets in, your stomach feels empty, now.

Kenshi is quick to shut down the catcaller. As much as he prides himself on being logical and calm, it is not his finest moment. Nor is it the right time to do something like this. Catcall not just Kenshi Takahashi's boyfriend, but a Yakuza's boyfriend, no less. There are no cameras here, and he is not afraid to talk big.

After that incident, Kenshi finds you shy away from your style. You hide your body in sweaters and over-sized t-shirts. While he quite enjoys seeing you in his own clothes as well- your favorite is a godzilla shirt- he is sad to see the sudden dismissal of your confidence, as well.

He wants nothing more than to show you off and show off your confidence again. Oh, how he misses his darling, twirling you around in your pretty skirts in the kitchen, just how elegant you looked as you walked, as you breathed, really.

Kenshi's supportive. He's a lot more present, now. Much to the dismay of his buddies. But he doesn't care. He's slowly building your confidence up brick by brick, he doesn't outright shove it down your throat. He scrolls through his camera roll with such longing.

It works, you have to admit. It's a very very slow process. Once a month, about, you start wearing longer skirts again, or shorts. Then it moves on to shorter skirts, dresses, etc. And by the end of it, you have an entirely new wardrobe of dresses and skirts and all of it. Kenshi showers you with gifts once you've found your confidence and style again. Many, many expensive dresses, all different sorts. And he loves it when you wear them out with him, again. Dinner dates, dancing, late night drives, all of it.

© freyito, 2023 | masterlist | queue | kofi DO NOT REPOST AS YOUR OWN OR USE FOR AI/AI CHATBOTS.

[lazaruspiss]

recently realized that dick had a relationships with all three of his rapists beyond one incident, like he lived with liu and eddie for a while, mirage posed as kori for an extended period of time and we really have no way of knowing how long he was with catalina, this creates a pattern of people that he knows betraying him and using him for their own gratification

which makes me think of his relationships with his family and friends rn, if one of them started crossing boundaries would he accept it? would he even have expected it? if babs didn’t hear him say wait one night would he know that it’s a mistake or would he think “ah, you too?”

like he loves his family and trusts them with his life but I don’t think he can trust them not to hurt him and that includes sexually, part of it is the constant paranoia that comes with being a vigilante for almost two decades and part of it is unprocessed trama but thinking anyone could start to abuse him probably isn’t good for his health or for his relationships lmao

oh for sure for sure!! im also fairly convinced dick would struggle seeing any of those incidents as rape. the liu incident doesn't meet the proper legal qualifications, he was at times blamed by his own team for what happened with mirage, and so much plays into the situation with catalina that im not sure he'd even be able to process it at all. the murder takes priority, and he'd see it more through a lense of him failing to save cat than him being assaulted.

dick wouldn't /want/ to have been assaulted, so i don't think he'd categorize any of that as rape. if others cross boundaries, he might justify/minimize it out of habit. less that he thinks anyone could/would abuse him, and more that he would never recognize harm done to him as abuse.

(some notes for those without context on some of the stuff being referred to!)

liu and eddie: there's a storyline in which dick runs away at 16 (or as he puts it, one month short of 17) and lives on his own. by which i mean, most likely homeless. he works as a dishwasher iirc. one day, his coworker recommends these people who take in teenaged runaways and offers them a place to stay. it's functionally a gang that uses cult recruitment tactics to manipulate teenagers into doing their bidding. the /they/ being liu and eddie. dick is just another kid, and doesnt realize what they're doing until he's already pretty deep in it. there's a fair amount of bonding and attachment, with liu and eddie showing him favoritism and singling him out in a way that makes them his primary support network. eventually this all leads to a sexual encounter between dick and liu. something worth noting: the age of consent in new jersey (where gotham is and where this story is set) is 16, and as it was a technically consensual encounter it is incredibly unlikely for it to be legally classified as rape/sexual assault.

mirage: ok imma be real u gotta ask someone else for this one. or maybe read the actual comics bc tumblr is a mess when looking for actually useful info.

catalina: ok!! ok... from my understanding there was originally going to be a full plotline about dick being in an abusive relationship with catalina, but it was rushed/cut short so that DC could put nightwing in a batman crossover event. classic. but dick had already been trying to mentor catalina for a decent while before she started abusing him. tried to /mentor/ her. her hurting him? to dick, it would likely feel like a reflection on him. that /he/ must have fucked up for her to end up doing something like that. it's left somewhat vague, but we don't have any reason to not believe cat continued to sexually abuse dick off page. we see her get him drunk and try to get him to sign marriage documents, she wants to /possess/ him. dick is incredibly dissociative throughout the aftermath, up until DC needed to force him out of his own story arc to hold daddy bat's hand. sorry lol

[poopwons]

ok now im gonna need u to write photographer armin pls & thank you!! him giving u a photo album of his fav photos when he confesses? yes 100%

CHLOE MY DEAREST. omg I'm sorry I left you in drafts for so long. I had two panic inducing pet incidents happen within like two days of each other. Everyone's okay, I just freak out when things happen to my babies. **I've also never written for Armin, so this was a bit of a challenge for me. I hope this is okay💖 It's probably my own insecurities about the way I look but I literally fantasize about seeing myself through other peoples eyes, so literally any opportunity to write about that, I'm gonna take it LOL**

You love when it's like this. Just you and Armin laying out on the hood of his car, music playing softly through the open windows, while you talk about anything and everything under the sun.

You loved everyone in the friend group, but you and Armin just seemed to have a special connection. It was easy to talk to him about everything, and he was always bringing little fun facts for you when you needed some cheering up or even just a change of subject when things got too heavy.

So, here you were, chattering on and on about a movie you’d watched recently, telling him about every theory you’d thought up and all the different characters. You can’t help but notice Armin seems to be looking at you differently this time, more attentive, but also not. Like he’s making more eye contact but he’s not actually hearing you.

“Armin?…you okay?” You ask, face etched with concern.

“Hm?” He seems to shake himself out of his head to answer you. “Y-yeah. I’m fine, sorry. Just a lot of my mind, I guess.”

Well, that was different. He’s usually really up front with you when something was bothering him. The two of you confiding in each other and offering advice where you could.

“Do you want to talk about it?” You sit up, propping yourself up on your elbows to look at him more clearly. He seems…you don’t know, nervous maybe?

He pauses, like he’s trying to decide if he really wants to talk to you about this specific thing or not. He sighs, turning to face you.

"Do you ever wonder if it's better to enjoy something the way it is, taking what you can get, rather than risking ruining everything by asking for more?"

"I guess that depends on what the thing is," you say, trying not to pry. "I think, if it's something important to you, what's the harm in asking for more and trying to get the most out of it?"

Armin makes a face, it's almost a pained expression. You scoot a little closer to him, taking his hand in yours, trying to comfort him.

"It would help if I knew exactly what we were referring to." You say gently, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. You just want him to know that you're here for him, just like he's always been there for you.

He takes a deep breath, looking into your eyes, you hope he can see the genuine concern there,

"You know, every time I talk to everyone else about this, they always tell me just to man up and say something. That everything will end up okay, and I'm sure if it was anyone else, that would be true. But, I'm not anyone else, I'm me and..and.."

He does this when he's nervous or anxious about something. Ranting and going on and on, not realizing that all the extra words don't do anything to soothe his nerves. You give his hand another squeeze.

"Armin," You say gently, "I still don't have any idea what you're talking about."

He gives you an apologetic look, then lets out a nervous chuckle.

"Sorry, you're right. I'm not being very clear, am I?" He shakes his head again and goes to move off the hood. "Hang on, maybe this will help."

You wait for him as he goes into the trunk of the car, searching for something before slamming the trunk back down and holding out a book to you. You take it hesitantly, unsure if it's really meant for you or not despite him handing it to you.

"Open it," He's still standing at the hood of the car, fiddling with his nails.

You take the book, holding it upright and opening it, surprised to see a bunch of photos, and you seem to be at the center of all of them. There are photos where you were all obviously with the group, but despite there being so many other potential subjects, Armin had focused on you. There were some photos that he took when it was just the two of you, late at night when he'd take you on a drive after complaining that you couldn't sleep, photos of the two of you at breakfast together.

"I um.. I was saving that for your birthday, but Jean and Connie said I should just give it to you now. It's all my favorite pictures of us, a-and some of my favorites of you." He runs his hand through his hair, sighing before he continues. "Look, I know we're really good friends, and I don't want to mess up anything we have.. I just.." Another sigh, and you can't help but stare at him now, album still clutched in your hands. "You're so... special, an-and smart, and funny, and beautiful, it..god, it drives me crazy sometimes. I...like you..like, really, really like you."

You just sit there, hands clutching the album, staring at him. You can't believe what you just heard. Your heart is hammering in your chest, the blood rushing in your ears. He keeps going while you process everything he's said.

"and I... totally get it if you don't feel the same. Our friendship is so important to me and I don't want this to make things weird.."

"Armin," You start, setting the book to the side, before sitting up on your knees to wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him into you. "I like you too, a lot."

"You do?" He asks like he's genuinely surprised.

"Yes, you dummy." You chuckle, cupping his face in your hands. "Do you see me calling anyone else at 3am when I can't sleep?"

"I..I mean, no but I thought you just liked riding in my car the best."

"I like being with you the best."

"Oh," He lets that process for a minute, while you just look at him with that same lovey-dovey look you've always given him, wondering how in the hell he could have missed it. "So, do..do you want to be with me?"

"Obviously," You giggle again, before pressing your lips to his, content to spend your whole summer just like this, with your boyfriend.

[citylawns]

Just had the worst experience at the hospital. Basically I’ve been considered underweight my entire life, blah blah fast metabolism family genetics you know the genetic differences human beings have. However, I have struggled with various mental health problems including some binge eating and restrictive eating when I was younger after I got sexually assaulted, but I’m at a place where I’m really healthy and stable. Throughout my life though I’ve had people project the idea that I’m anorexic onto me - during my childhood, and before, during and after I suffered from some disordered eating which really exacerbated the problem because I had to deny it for so long I felt like I had failed and proven these arsehole people right.

I’ve also always had irregular periods and I have a high prolactin level (stress hormone, again potentially because of all the traumatic incidents) but this woman is essentially convinced my period issues are due to me being a low weight. Okay you’re the expect so sure I’m happy to learn how to put on weight. But she wants me to gain 10kg in a few months and I’ve never been that heavy in my entire life. Frankly I feel like I’m being set up to fail here. I don’t even know how that would happen because my diet is already really good - I don’t restrict my food intake and I don’t binge and overeat anymore. She asked if I lift weights and I said no - cos I literally do no exercise at all and I would like to. So if I should put some muscle on and lifting weights would be good for my health I’m keen to do that. So all that would be fine if she listened to what I was saying about my eating habits and this woman without knowing ANY of my mental health history keeps making patronising comments about “thin is so pretty I know but it will kill you” “beautiful thin women get sick” “women in wars lose their periods” What?! I’ve not lost my period it’s just slightly irregular ?! Why are you making that assumption about what I think about thinness? Oh, because you’ve taken one look at my body and think you know my thoughts and feelings and behaviours and attitudes about beauty. Lmfao. She then started scare mongering me saying I’m at risk of death because I could get osteoporosis and break a bone and die really quickly at 26. This is insane. I was in shock because I think if I was actually in danger of death it would have been flagged a bit earlier given all the time I’ve spent having my health checked recently ?!?

I’m sorry but I’m thin but I’m not THAT thin. I’ve got fat and muscle deposits on my body. I’m in shock and I couldn’t defend myself because she’s insinuating I have an ED and if I appear defensive she rolls her eyes at me. This has happened before where I was having a really painful acid reflux and throat issue which meant I couldn’t swallow and was struggling to eat as a result so I went to get it diagnosed and told her I need help because it’s affecting how I eat, the doctor dismissed me. Didn’t listen to what I was saying just told me that I needed to stop being silly and put some food in my belly - and I told her THATS WHAT IM TRYING TO DO.

And every time Vocalise the struggles I have about how people treat my body i get messages saying “no one wants to hear about your problems being skinny you have thin privilege this isn’t important” fucking save it okay? this is my blog and I’m telling you, people like me also get gaslit by medical professionals. Me talking about my experience doesn’t invalidate anyone else’s nor does it mean I’m saying my experience is as much of a social problem. It’s just my life and what I deal with. I personally believe this treatment is to do with misogyny more than anything, because it’s the patronisation and bizarre attitude that I must be a silly shallow girl who just wants to look pretty and doesn’t care about my health when I fucking DO. That’s why I’m HERE.

Whatever I’m getting referred to a psychologist and a dietician and have been told to start lifting weights for weight gain which is sick because they won’t give me help for my trauma and I’ve always wanted to have the money to pay for a dietician because I really enjoy eating healthy food (because of how sick I’ve been and the heart birth defect I have I want to do all I can to optimise my health when it’s in my control).

Absolutely fascinated to see what this dietician and psychologist say, just hope I don’t get kicked out when they discover I don’t have any food issues and want to talk about abuse and sexual assault instead

[lovinggreeniehours]

🪐, 🎞️, & 💌 with a ship of your choice for the ask game!!

hi caspi!!!! :D i hope your day is nice!! hmm im gonna use this recent s/i from an original story ive been working on. he and f/o don't have names yet, but yeah. wip

🪐: what would be your most popular au and why?

i feel like role reversal aus would be so juicy with them,,, but tbh their entire story is a role reversal of sorts 🤔 they take turns having to save each other from a seemingly inevitable fate by making a big sacrifice

i think there'd be a lot of human aus and a lot of fantasy aus. im not sure about canon divergence fics though but i think there'd be a few. they'd either have cheesy romcom college things going on or really dramatic fae period pieces 👁 oh! cosmos deity aus too

🎞️: what ‘canon’ scenes would the fandom point to as evidence for the validity of your ship?

"guys is it gay to journey cross country to save this guy you had a deep conversation with once and then eventually save him by giving up your humanity to bring him back to life"

"guys is it gay to have orpheus/eurydice parallels trying to lead the guy you rescued out of an underground river with underworld imagery. and is it gay to have a metaphorical 'orpheus turns around by accident' incident even though you lost all your ability to connect with your emotions. is it gay for the guy to metaphorically save you from turning around by keeping your attention forward on the road"

"is it gay for the guy you rescue to reveal his real name to you as a way to repay you for saving him, the name that only he and his birth mother know of. is it gay for him to Also travel cross country to find some kind of magic to replace your lost humanity"

um yeah something like that HDFKGSGJ

💌: how would your dynamic be portrayed? what might people focus on most? any misconceptions?

im afraid they might be mainstream yaoi-fied or something 😭 eternal fear #1. that or the fandom assumes f/o is a stupid Dumbass(tm) just because he's the more carefree type of guy compared to s/i,,,,,

i think there'd be a lot of art of them floating along that river. tbh. or just river styx imagery. and mythology references. that would be focused on a lot in fandom spaces. i think the imagery of everything in general too because the story feels very visually pretty in my head

[hiroshotreplica]

About Agent 3's Sanitation Scars

aka, agent oc lore post

this is a bit long, sorry about that! ill place it all under a cut so no one has to scroll through it all if they dont want to read, note there's some colored text + some drawings

ever since alister (3) and josh (8) were rescued from the deepsea metro and tartar was defeated, callie and marie have been very worried. josh has his own host of issues, but alister's are much more... visible. doctors have no idea how to treat alister's condition, and have just been monitoring his healing process. alister doesnt remember a thing about the sanitation, despite having been only partially sanitized. all witnesses referred to it as a form of mind control.

marie had asked zara (4) about what she had seen first, she seemed much more approachable about the subject. this was under a week after the rescue:

zara: i rescued him and josh from the blender, yeah. though he got ambushed by a strange telephone as soon as we tried to follow josh through the escape route. i managed to dodge the telephone's attacks, but... yeah, alister wasn't as lucky.

marie: do you remember his appearance?

zara: that strange.. i dont even know, goop? just- that strange stuff wrapped around his head. it looked like it was digging into the back of his head. i remember... before he got completely taken over by the strange.. thing and tied me up... he looked at me with.. fear. fear ive never seen before, it had so much.. pain and certainty in it. like he was thinking "im going to die"

marie: oh... that sounds terrifying. was there anything else...?

zara: he... he said one thing. while the goopy stuff was being planted onto him. i dont remember it completely, he whispered it, but he said "so this is it. it... hurts" it... scared me. marie, you know ive been working with him on agent stuff for the past year! he's never sounded so... so... you know.

she didn't have any further comments.

when he could handle the question, marie had asked josh as well. this took place a month after the incident:

marie: so... are you sure you're ready to think about what happened again? i know it's still very recent, even if some time has passed.

josh: y.. yes. i am sure. it is the less painful parts, so i do not mind as much, i think.

marie: alright... what do you remember?

josh: alister, he... he looks like he was in pain. a lot of pain. during the battle, he missed lots of attacks due to it, im sure. his hands had shaking the whole time then.

josh: once we reach the surface and.. things were better again, he was no longer being controlled. and the sight... i dont know the word in inklish, the closest would be scary, i believe. it was... deep scar. everything around the scar had a greenish color to it. he could not see well when he woke up, and he mentioned being in so much pain...

marie: oh, oh jeez... i can see why the bandage was put on it now.

josh: it was the best we have at the time. the one he has now is... much better.

marie: yeah... do you want to stop? you look uncomfortable..

josh: ...yes. thinking of it again... i-it is making me upset more than i realize it could. i am sorry

he couldn't make any further comments.

extra visual of how alister looked at this time:

extra info: his eyesight improved over the first couple of months, though it stopped eventually. he has blurred vision. he has glasses that do slightly correct it, but he never wears them. i imagine he shows some symptoms that would correlate to right hemisphere brain damage. but i need to put more research into that first

[misscammiedawn]

On trauma anniversaries

Personal (and a little oversharing) post but I thought I'd speak out, even if it's just an excuse to type to myself.

Original was written October 2023. It has been sitting in our drafts ever since then. 6/22/2024 Dawn edit - Given we eventually posted the suicidality draft, I thought I'd finally share this. Especially given how much my mind has been on the end of June 2022 this week, both the good and the bad.

12/26 Dawn edit- this was originally written just after our birthday and then left in drafts. It is posted now due to the December holiday passing with no attempted intrusion from our No Contact family.

Plus I am in the middle of creating a self-harm safety plan with my therapist and wanted to see what we typed last time we were fucked up to reference for this project.

This is all from my perspective and my advice may not be useful to all. My therapist always says "take what you need and leave what you don't" when reading mental health advice. I hope there are things that will help on your end.

I've been finding a lot of joy recently in trying to write educational resources when I'm feeling a certain way and I'm feeling a certain way right now.

To those who don't know a trauma anniversary is a recognized within PTSD treatment as a sensitivity to emotional reactions brought about by the annual reminder of a particularly traumatic memory. A widely understood one is 9/11 though birthdays, Thanksgiving and annual family holidays tend to come up in the conversations too.

I suppose there is a little "chicken or the egg" back and forth on if the anniversary reminds the individual, summoning the symptoms or the symptoms of the disorder provide the reminder. My reading has said that in traumatic situations our minds become keenly aware of the circumstances and build an aversion to the situation as a survival mechanism and even the smallest hints of familiarity can activate those defenses.

Either way it is commonly experienced enough to be considered a sensitivity when performing trauma therapy. It commonly manifests via nightmares, excessive moodiness or defensiveness, avoidant behavior, social withdrawal or to put more plainly an exacerbation of existing symptoms. Danger of relapse goes up during these periods.

I know that very well. I try really hard not to let my negative instincts take over when I get this way.

October 23rd and 24th are bad days for me. One is a birthday and the other is the anniversary of the day my marriage ended and subsequently started the chain reaction that made the family I built for myself in the USA outright tell me they do not consider me family any longer, something which I am still not even remotely over. Bio-Fam can reject me, that's fine... but when the Found Family reject you? How the fuck do you recover from that? How are you capable of rationalizing that in a way that does not hold all of the blame to your own throat?

Both days represent the act of willingly burning my entire life to the ground and letting the fires consume every relationship and piece of familiarity I had built in 2 previous lives.

A little hyperbolic but that's the impact and fuck I am devastated by guilt and regret for having done it and a terror that I will do it again someday.

Prior to this year's birthday I had even made a post where I joked about how I wasn't dreading it this year but as the weekend went on the emotions started to fade in and then The Reminders kicked in via emails and IMs saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY. The sources were as innocuous as companies with my details who email coupons or work colleagues or even loved ones and people who I do not want contact from.

I've learned one thing this year and that is "you can't ignore this shit". I was arrogant and thought my progress through therapy and my recent stability would usher me through without incident. I was wrong. Luckily my ability to communicate is better than it was so I was able to warn people and ask for reassurance and care from loved ones and have them tell me that I haven't hurt them and am not alienating them and they aren't upset with me.

So, here's my handy guide (from me and to me) for how to survive this shit for future.

Get Distracted

The best moments of my past 48 hours were when I was busy doing things. Work was useful for me. My girlfriend wanted to go on a shopping trip so I forced myself to get out of the house even when I was feeling like shit and wanted to scream and cry.

The shopping trip was more annoying than it was fun but the chore got me doing something and that got me out of my own head for a little. Sometimes having something to be annoyed about, even if it's a stress, is better than being left to fester.

Communicate

I fluctuated between "I don't want to be alone" and "I want to never speak to another human ever again" about 4 times a minute during the worst of it. I was upfront with everyone in my surroundings that my affect would be off and that it was temporary and fretting over me would stress me out more. Everyone was kind and sweet to me. Also everyone at home knows NEVER CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY and so getting full compliance from the people in my life helped a lot.

Limit Decision Making and Stress Intake

When work started piling on I started to get a pit in my stomach that created "we're going to get fired!" thoughts that spiraled rapidly. I almost lost my composure with the screen, with myself, with my girlfriend, with the cat over the stupidest things because no matter how much I wanted to admit it, my threshold was in the toilet and I couldn't control it or will myself out of it. This isn't just anger, it's any and all emotion in excess.

Likewise I felt completely incapable of making even minor decisions during this period. Ensuring I had meals planned in advance helped when I would rather starve myself than commit to even buying food.

Commune with the grief instead

We are all quilts patched from every person who has ever loved us. It's okay to accept that there are complicated emotions. Life cannot be as black and white as we force it to be in order to survive. Part of healing is communing with the pain in a way that neither outright rejects it nor fetishizes pain to the point of which you are intentionally triggering yourself. I found a lot of comfort in watching the shows/playing the games that people from before always wanted me to. It's like doing a little bit of finished business, getting to share something with the living memory. It doesn't change the past but it lets you feel a positive connection. It gives positive momentum when the old scars itch and you want to scratch them. Growth off of the scorched Earth without interacting with the past itself and allowing it to intrude on the present.

So whether I support my dad's football team, watch something with the knowledge that she would have loved it or finally see the inspiration for the character he tailor made to be your character's villain in TTRPG, see that game they always talked about liking; I like doing this as something I can DO with the emotional build-up that depends a reaction.

Be Grateful and Show Love To Those Who Stand By You

I have spoken to every partner today just thanking them for dealing with me while I'm like this. I'll talk to my therapist tomorrow. Guilt and paranoia are ruining me at the moment. Assuring people what I lucidly think and feel helps.

Be Open to the Idea That You May Be Wrong

Just... I can tell I'm off. I know I have warned people I am off. I may actually be off. Communicate and offer love and understanding and apologies if needed. It will pass.

It's healthy to understand that while you're compromised you may not be fully yourself. Tread with caution. Do not make impulsive decisions, ask for outside opinions when you need grounding. Allow yourself to not feel guilt when you act in ways you're not proud of.

Help Others

Gotta admit doing the shopping trip with local girlfriend and being love and care for long distance one helped get me out of my own head. I find this one is actually really useful for me and I should think about how I can do it more in the future.

It's extra energy and costs spoons when you're not doing great, but it's applying effort in a positive regard.

Forgive Yourself

If I know myself I will be reading this in a year's time. That's why this post exists after all.

Just... forgive yourself. For abandoning people. For running away. For being imperfect. For choosing to be a woman. For not fighting harder. For not being who everyone needed you to be.

Don't seek to rationalize, don't seek to minimize. Do not even seek to accept what you did.

Just forgive. We are okay. We hurt people and ourselves. We handled things poorly. We broke contracts of the heart and shatters dreams of the future.

But we're alive. We have a chance to be happy again. It's okay to be the villain in other stories. It's okay to not be a perfect victim.

Forgive yourself.

Find something to look forward to

There is always "the next event". Plan for it. Get out of the present and the past. The future is there and it is waiting for you.

It'll be okay. The danger has passed. This week will pass.

It will be okay.