#(this goes in the 'i promised myself not to stress so much about my posts being too long and just Going For It category 😅)

[fandomfixationstation]

Asexual Reader x TWST Characters: Part One! Rewritten

This is a rewrite of earlier posts I once wrote on a different blog. I am revisiting this and trying to improve on what I wrote and once again doing this for myself and other asexuals who lack the content and kindness others get. Writing this for every fanfic I've read where the character breaks up with the reader for being asexual and doing better. 

That said, Everything will be entirely my headcanons and you aren’t required to agree with my interpretations of the characters and story.

Vil Schoenheit

Vil will give you a fond smile, because honestly he’s just happy you are willing to tell him, and that you feel safe enough to do so. He’ll treat you no differently than he has, still being a caring and considerate boyfriend. Since boundaries are the most important thing in any relationship he’s probably going to make sure that he understands your boundaries and make sure that none have changed for you. Or if some boundaries have changed to make sure he understands them and to make mental notes. After all, he knows very well what it’s like to have someone cross boundaries, he absolutely would not want to cross his significant others boundaries and be the source of their discomfort.

Vil has always been one to find different ways to show affection, some more traditional than others. Gifting flowers, brushing your hair, doing each other's nails, greeting you with a kiss to the back of your hand, Taps on the shoulder or wrist to say I love you, holding pinkies, or even pinkie promises. He absolutely cherishes forehead kisses above all else, he’d even lean down for one if requested. He’d find any way to bring a smile to your face because that’s all he really wants, is for you to be happy.

Honestly, I think the longer the relationship goes on, and more specifically as his understanding of asexuality develops. I think Vil slowly comes to the conclusion that all too well describes himself. He comes to enjoy quality time, and other gestures of intimacy that he finds more enriching and cherish worthy. In fact he learns the value of words of affirmation and learns to appreciate them in a new light with his significant other. Because giving sincere compliments and affirmations to someone he cares about deeply feels beautiful and receiving them from the same person ? even more so.

At the end of the day, He’ll always make sure you're comfortable with what he is doing. If you ask him to stop, he’ll listen and stop and make sure you're okay. He mostly just wants someone he can trust and spend his spare time relaxing with. Considering the rest of his time is spent being busy and stressed. So being able to make each other comfortable and spend time resting and relaxing, making each other smile is more than enough for him.

Jamil Viper

Jamil at first might not completely understand, however he is a fantastic listener, so he will let you explain and ask questions to make sure he understands completely. He is very calm and understanding throughout the whole thing. He’ll make sure to ask what is acceptable and what is completely off the table. Regardless of whatever those boundaries may look like he is bothered because at the end of the day he just wants you to be comfortable and happy. To him it's rather simple like that. Because he values your boundaries and your comfort. Much like he wants his significant other to understand and respect his own.

He most certainly shows love in less physical ways, touch isn’t something he is particularly good at. However, he is quite fond of gifting his significant other two things, flowers and food. The flowers are specifically chosen with care, they always have a hidden meaning of their own, and he often doesn’t enjoy cooking for others, for his significant other it is different. He wants to make sure they are well fed and taken care of.

More importantly he is just a sucker for quality time, especially since he is also a busy person. So if you guys are just in the same room spending time together he is very appreciative of that time together. Sometimes that may look like cuddling together and not doing anything for about 30 or 40 minutes. Sometimes that looks like him doing whatever chores he has to get done while talking to you while you do something completely different. Whatever works for the two of you that day or that moment.

Jamil values communication significantly, so i’ll always be communicating what he is doing or what he plans to do, and if you voice your discomfort or disinterest he will absolutely understand and respect that. Especially if you do the same in kind for him when he isn’t comfortable with something. Needless to say he’ll always make sure that the two of you are on the same page.

Floyd Leech

As I once stated before, This to Floyd, Has changed absolutely nothing about your relationship with him. He still gets cuddles? Perfect. He still gets hugs? Even better. He does apologize whenever he does cross a boundary and learns to make up for it and not do it again. He does enjoy physical contact but that doesn’t mean he’s going to cross your boundaries, besides there are different ways to do so. He quite enjoys even the most subtle of touch.

Though, there might be some questions farther down the line that he might have, however that is something he will talk about with his significant other and the two will decide on how you both will handle things moving forward. Because he is considerate about his significant others' wants and thoughts on important and trivial matters. Especially considering how much damage he would create in the hypothetical of someone just being disrespectful towards his significant other, for any reason.

That said, Floyd is more than happy to just spend time with you. That may be pulling you along to pull some prank, go on an adventure of some kind, scare the daylights out of younger students, or maybe just being a cuddle puddle on the floor, either watching something together or talking endlessly about anything and everything. You’d be surprised how philosophical and down to earth Floyd can get sometimes. Oftentimes talks can go for hours and feel very cathartic.

Honestly as long as you enjoy supporting him in whatever he is doing whether that's on the sports team or whatever antics he gets up to he doesn’t mind or care. As long as you are both happy and enjoying life to the fullest. He, far more cares about being able to dance with you under the moonlight and having thought provoking conversation at late hours that ends with you telling him to shut up and go to bed because it's 3 am.

Azul Ashengrotto

The first thing that comes to mind while rewriting this for Azul is that I think he would honestly be relieved. Clears the air for him and removes a lot of self placed expectations from himself. Honestly makes him feel better and helps him relax a little bit in the relationship. Big heart to heart conversation about wants, needs, expectations and boundaries that should leave you both feeling better and more confident with each other.

He will do his best to set aside time to spend time with you, and when he has to cancel plans he often will get you something to make up for it. Not that it’ll solve the problem but he usually does it so he can give it to you in person and spend time with you anyway. Its usually something that you had mentioned needing or wanting or needing a replacement of something. He wants his gifts to be thoughtful, practical and helpful.

Even when it comes to simply cuddling on the couch he’ll make sure you're comfortable and make sure you're okay with where his hands are resting. He enjoys quiet peaceful relaxing time with his significant other. Nothing has to be happening, maybe the radio is on, or the tv. Maybe you're both doing your own things, but just getting to be in each other's presence with no expectation of the other is nice.

Post it note messages. He won't admit how soft he gets when he sees a note you left him. Not to mention he’ll find ways to slip you notes in return. They will always be unapologetically sweet and sappy. Not to mention he’ll find ways to just let you know that he was thinking of you and that he loves and cares about you. Even if it is just a short message saying I love you.

Lilila Vanrouge

Previously I had said Lilia was Asexual, today I say he is still Asexual and very much so polyamorous, No I won’t elaborate on how or why. He is a hopeless romantic by nature and that manifests in many different ways. He will be the most understanding and accommodating and will continue to fall head over heels for you. He’d do many things for those he cares and loves oh so dearly, and you will be able to feel his affections on an emotional level.

Poetry, Love letters, cheesy pickup lines, flowers, cute or thoughtful gifts, he’d even serenade you outside your bedroom window if you let the man. Most of the ways he shows love aren’t very physical to the touch, they are actions of love. Doing laundry for you, or getting you coffee while you're busy. Bringing you something to help you fall asleep on a sleepless night. Telling a story to make you laugh or maybe feel better. He’ll literally sweep you off your feet if you let him.

Consider him inviting you over for afternoon tea on a day off, a harp and piano playing a soft melody as the two of you dance in the gardens peacefully. Honestly he’d probably pull this off at any time of day for as long as it felt magical and enchanting for you. Because at the end of the day he just wants his significant other to feel loved. Ideally the goal for him is for you both to continue to fall in love over and over again.

Cold winter nights will be spent drinking your favorite warm or winter drink of choice, cuddled up together by the fireplace. Lilia softly humming a melody of unknown or forgotten origin. Curled up in more handmade blankets than you can count. This could also apply to cold rainy days.

[procrastinatorproject]

Procrastinator's Kitchen Countdown - An Introduction

About 6-7 weeks to go (I hope)

When I came back from studying abroad a few years ago, I moved into a shared flat with a friend of mine. Finding housing in this city is a bit of a hassle, and her former flatmate left a few weeks before I returned, so the arrangement was perfect.

The flat is in the attic of a fairly old "Mehrfamilienhaus", i.e. a house with a number of units big enough for single people or small families. It's fifty steps down to the front door and another seven or so to get into the basement where the washing machine lives (woe is me!).

I like my flat! It was turned from a simple attic into an actual living space somewhat hastily in the 1950's, so the insulation isn't amazing, the doors and windows are fairly old, and it gets really hot in the summer. But it's a decent place to live and it's close to both the university and downtown areas. And because my previous flatmate had lived here for many, many years, the rent had stayed much lower than other places around town, where landlords could increase their ask every time the tenants changed - a frequent occurrence in a city full of students.

Then, four years ago, my friend finished her degree and moved to a different part of the country, which meant I was faced with a decision. I could get a new flatmate (not ideal, since I hate sharing living space with strangers and was really looking forward to living on my own again for a while), or I could try and find a smaller, cheaper place somewhere else in town. However, when I looked around, I realized that my current rent would get me a place about 2/3 the size of my current flat, and to pay less, I would barely get half the space or would have to move to the edges of town. So, I decided to stay and take the rent on myself. After all, it was "just for a short while" and "just until I finished my humanities degree and figured out where I'd go next".

Four years later, I am back in school, studying to get a BSc in computer science, and I'm unlikely to leave town, or even this flat, any time soon.

While I'm glad to have a little more certainty in my life (and finally allowing myself to switch to a career path that actually gives me so, so much joy was easily the best choice I made in the last decade), it also made me realize something: I was no longer in a holding pattern, uncertain whether I would be living in this place for six more months or six more years, and I could start making real plans to make this flat my home.

Which brings me to my kitchen.

My kitchen is pretty small, even by German standards. It's more than the tiny pantry kitchen I had when I first moved out to go to university, but it's still barely big enough to have two people in it at the same time and is nestled under the roof, with the slanted wall coming down to about knee height. The furniture and especially the appliances were already a student-flat-share inheritance when my former flatmate moved in over ten years ago. They got a new fridge when she arrived (the guys living here before had simply hung a bunch of their foods out the window in the winter after their old fridge broke down and apparently had been content with that), but the oven was already worn out at that point. By now, the bottom of the fridge keeps flooding, the sink is starting to leak, and the oven... well.

I have been wanting to bake more cakes and biscuits, and to really try my hand at baking bread for a while. But especially the latter requires you to have fairly good control over your oven's temperature, and for the longest time, my oven door wouldn't even close properly! It took an evening of intense pre-Christmas baking and food-prep to get it hot enough that the warped hinge finally decided to jump back into its original form with an almighty CLANG!, allowing me to close the door without leaving a small gap at the top.

So, about a year and a half ago, once I knew I was going to stay in this flat for the foreseeable future, I started toying with the idea of getting a new kitchen.

For those who don't know, if you rent a flat in Germany, it's maybe 50/50 whether it will come with a kitchen provided by the owner, or you have to bring in your own. Actually, I think having a pre-installed kitchen might be a lot less common than having one, but you can get lucky and buy the previous tenant's kitchen off them for a small fee, which might skew the general perception. Either way, my kitchen is one of the tenant-owned ones.

So, getting new applianves and furniture would fall entirely on my own head (and budget!). This would of course give me a lot of freedom to design it the way I want, but it also means I'll have to figure out what to do with it once I do I move out. I might be able to sell it to the next tenant, or I might even be able to take it with me wherever I move next. But this worry still made it very difficult for me to actually commit to the undertaking - which is one of the main reasons it has taken me until now to get there.

One thing that finally helped sway me was that any time I mentioned possibly getting a new kitchen to people who had actually been in and used the current one (my mother, my sister, my friends), their reaction pretty universally was: "Oh, thank god, finally!!" And as a Christmas/birthday present, my presents promised to chip in financially and help with planning and organizing.

And now, two years after deciding to stay in this flat and well over a year after first opening the IKEA kitchen planner, I Am Finally Doing It!

I have a fairly clear idea of what I want my new kitchen to look like, I have talked to the IKEA kitchen people about logistics and planning, I have created a dedicated section in Notion to keep track of all the cleaning, sorting, ordering, painting, buying, building, etc. I need to do, and I have a rough time frame.

I AM GETTING A NEW KITCHEN!!!

And I'm taking you all along for the ride!

[remcycl333]

my sp story <3

hi besties! if you've been following my blog for a while you know that i've been single for a while, partly because i like to be independent and single, and partly because i just didn't like anyone. obviously i could just manifest a guy out of thin air, but when im not confronted face to face with a crush then i just don't care about being in a relationship so i never manifested someone out of thin air lol

but then a couple of weeks ago i was at the movies with my friends, and there were couples cuddling around us and i was like "aw :( kinda wish i had a bf now." and what do we do when we feel any type of desire? we immediately fulfill ourselves, no matter how "small" the desire is! so that's what i did. i imagined for like two seconds that i was cuddling with a boy at the theaters, and then i got distracted by the movie and forgot all about it

then like 15 minutes later, a guy that i'd had a crush on four years ago randomly slid into my dms. i never pursued him four years ago bc my bff at the time had dibs on him, but we're not friends anym and haven't been for years so it was my time to shine!!!

anyway, we talk for like a week. i know this guy is funny and shit bc of when we hung out irl, but like all he's sending me are unfunny memes that don't really warrant a response. so it was kinda tough

and this is the part where you guys are going to yell at me!!! i was like oh i should use my manifestation skills and make sure this goes smoothly....but then i was like nah im just gonna go with the flow 😭😭😭 and i know you guys are like REM!!!! u manifest EVERYTHING u can't just turn it off!!!! anyway.....long story short a week into us talking this mf randomly blocks me!!!!

so im instantly like 🙄🙄 damn fine i'll manifest him back bc im stubborn and do not like being told no in my reality

so how did i do it? how did i manifest him back?

if you guys have followed me for a while, you know that i manifested an sp a couple years ago by simply affirming "i love [his name] so much" any time i'd think of him and this would conjure the feeling of the wish fulfilled. (NOT mindless affirming. i'd say it maybe two or three times to catch the feeling and then move on)

ANYWAY so that's what i did! and let me tell you....i was not "perfect" by any means 😭 in fact this manifestation really kinda opened my eyes on how EASY manifestation truly is. like i already knew how easy it was, but damn!

if you know that your desire is promised and that it is coming because you gave it to yourself in imagination (even ONCE) ... there is NOTHING that will stop it. i was gonna make a separate post on this and i tried but i just couldn't articulate it correctly so im going to try again:

it took 12 days to manifest him to unblock me and message me. im sure it would've taken a shorter amount of time if i was more disciplined with myself but it's kinda crazy bc of how UNdisciplined i was 😭 tbh i was just kinda like...unsure if i even wanted to manifest him at all bc thats how much i value my alone time and my independence lol

anyway, i always get asks from people who are stressed and anxious bc they think that in order to manifest your desire, you can never enter the state of lack ever again and that dwelling in negative thoughts will "ruin" your manifestations. but i am here to tell you IT DOES NOT MATTER!!! you do not need to be "perfect"!!!! as long as you are staying faithful to the idea that you have your desire in the 4d, it'll manifest in the 3d.

another thing i see so many people confused and stressed about is whether or not they're naturally thinking from the state. for instance, every time you think of your sp, you think from the end of being in a relationship with them, before you think of the fact that you're not together yet. and let me tell you....while this CAN happen, it's not always gonna happen and it's not necessary. let me tell you, the DAY before my sp reached out, and even the day that he did....i would catch myself thinking about how we weren't together! but the gag is....YOUR THOUGHTS DON'T MANIFEST!!!! yes, they indicate what state you're in, but the actual thoughts themselves don't mean shit!!! they don't manifest. they just don't!

so i'd shift back to the state of being my sp's girlfriend when i'd have these thoughts, but i was fully aware we were not together in my 3d and i never naturally thought of us as being together before i saw any evidence of it in my 3d. all i had was the knowing that my inner man was with my sp, and that since i'd decided i had it in imagination, it would push out into my 3d. because that's how the law works!!! and honestly, that's all you really need. you just need to know that since you gave yourself your desire in your imagination ONE TIME, it WILL manifest. and if you have a true understanding of how the law works and you've read source, you will have no trouble knowing that it will come.

you also do NOT need to be in the state of the wish fulfilled 24/7!!! at all!!!! i cannot stress this enough. and tbh i used to feel the same. i felt like i had to be aware of having my desire in imagination 24/7 or else it wouldn't come. i thought i couldn't perceive the lack or opposite in my 3d or else it wouldn't manifest (see this post about dismissing the 3d btw if u need help with that). but the gods honest truth is that all you need to do is DECIDE you have your desire in imagination & not take no for an answer & KNOW that your desire is GOING TO REFLECT IN YOUR 3D NO MATTER WHAT!!!!

and that's not to say that you wont still get anxious and have intrusive thoughts and be like "oh god what if it never manifests." like... im human and i had those human moments. but i just reminded myself that i know the law and ive proven it to myself many times and i know that it had to manifest.

anyway. back to my sp story!

so for these 12 days that im blocked (lmfao) all i did was affirm "i love [his name] so much" whenever i thought of him until i caught the feeling of the wish fulfilled. that's it. and i knew for a fact that he was mine in the 4d and therefore we'd be together in the 3d bc that's the law!

anyway on friday (5 days ago) at 8pm? im scrolling thru the ulta app and then im like "oh i havent fulfilled myself today i dont think" so i fulfilled myself for like 2 seconds and then get distracted by some product and then two minutes later i get a notif that this guy followed me and then dmed me 😭

it's funny cuz my irls don't know about the law of assumption so i sent them a screenshot and i was like "look who came crawling back" and they were like BOOOOO!!! and i was like no guys!!!!! i created the blocking and i created this like i promise we can trust him 😭😭 hahahaha

anyway. let me tell you. if you are manifesting an sp, DO NOT DO THAT SHIT IN STEPS!!!!! i mean, if you really want to, i can't stop you, but i really don't recommend it.

with my old sp (the one from two years ago) i'd always manifest contact and then get it, and then he'd ghost me and and id have to manifest contact again and it'd be a never ending cycle!!! bc i was just focusing on contact, not on how i felt or how he felt about me.

the reason i loveeee to affirm "i love my sp so much" INSTEAD OF "HE loves ME so much" is because it helps me catch the feeling of the wish fulfilled so much more. not only that, but because remember, THERE IS NO ONE TO CHANGE BUT SELF!!!! changing the way i see my sp and the way i feel about him is all i need to do. im not trying to change him and make him love me lol. this is about me and my inner reality, not him! he'll reflect whatever i am in the 4d

another reason i love affirming this is because TO ME, this is what implies we are already together. whenever im in a relationship, i always find myself laying around all giddy thinking about how obsessed with my bf i am and how i love him so much. so i emulate that when im manifesting an sp.

and it's PERFECT because by jumping straight to the end where we're already together, i don't have to focus on all the things that lead to us being in a relationship. i don't have to manifest him following me, or texting me, or asking me on a date. these things all just happen naturally bc im living in the end.

NOT TO MENTION, it naturally turns your sp into your perfect partner? like remember when i said when we were talking before he blocked me he was kinda dry and he'd just send memes that i didn't find funny? THIS DUDE DID A COMPLETE 180!!!

he's sooo funny, he is the OPPOSITE of dry, he is everything???? and im obsessed.

anyway he unblocked me and dmed me, and then asked for my number and we had such funny and cute convos and then boom 4 days later he asks me on a date and i say no (😭😭😭😭 i was busy) but i agreed to go on a date the next day and the way this boy showed pure unencumbered excitement 🥺 im obsessed

anyway im sorry this is so long? i really just wanted to share how all i did was apply what i've been preaching about on this blog for years and it worked out flawlessly! hopefully this gives you guys some good tips and maybe motivation? <3

[nipuni]

Time for an old school blog post, Hello!

Just various updates about life and shows and clothes and some photos! Adding a read more cut because I talk too much 😊

Happy equinox everyone!! The mild weather has been wonderful for daily park walks. We have been taking our meals outside as often as we can to make the most of it before summer scorches the land and all life. The longer days allow for a lot more wandering too but the imminent return of the heat is also making the longing to move up north worse by the day. We miss the choppy ocean and seaside cliffs 😭 We love the silence and the rain and the nippy sea breeze!! it's like being suspended in early spring for half the year and a rainy autumn the other half, Ideal if you don't mind humidity, but that's what wellies and flat caps are for. We have been looking for properties to rent to show up everyday so for now we lie in wait.

Speaking of nature, a few months ago we discovered a free app called Plantnet that you use to take and upload photos of plants, trees, flowers and it will identify them for you. You keep a log with their locations and can share them too to help contribute to each local biodiversity database. It feels like a pokedex for plants. There are many apps like this one to choose from too. It's been so fun learning what all these plants are called and memorizing them! I recommend it, is like a little educational side quest to take on while stretching your legs and getting some fresh air. This is not an ad I promise lmao I just think it's neat! kind of sad feeling the need to clarify that.

This weather is also making me want to start making outfit posts again! It's been so long since I made any!! my winter wardrobe is mostly long wool coats or capes and boots so the inspiration wasn't there but now I'm ready to pull out all my stuff back from under my bed storage and experiment again 👏 I've also been meaning to share some of Nicolas outfits for ages too so there is more variety, could be fun!

Speaking of clothes, lately I've grown more and more frustrated with how poorly most clothes fit me to the point where I'm considering learning how to make them from scratch. I usually have to take in the tops and hem the bottoms but most things I try on are just built weird even if I fix the size, or maybe I'm built weird! I think it may be both. Nicolas also said he would love to learn along with me so we will probably embark on that adventure soon. OH and on a short tangent, I got myself a sort of binder-like top that flattens the chest a bit and I'm loving it! I'm very flat already but what little bust I do have has always bothered me when I dress and I've found I feel a lot more comfortable in this type of top. I'm glad I tried it out so if you feel similarly you may want to give it a go too, see how it feels!

On the media side of things we have also been watching more of David Tennant's work. We are still very much in love with him to an embarrassing degree, you can probably tell if you follow me anywhere, my likes on twitter alone give me away alksjdf and Nicolas isn't any better! if he used social media his would look the same lmao.

Since my last report we have watched and absolutely LOVED "There She Goes" we already want to watch it again honestly. The family dynamics for all his characters are always so real and refreshing!! Their relationship with their wives especially are always so believable in every series we've seen, the comfort and camaraderie, the banter and just friendship! You can tell they enjoy each other's company, it feels true. I love it so much!!

We also watched "Inside man" which was..a very stressful mess but David was incredible as always, also very hot and very pitiful which is always great, and Stanley Tucci was on it! so that's also fun.

Then we rewatched season one of Good Omens and the first 4 seasons of Doctor Who, with all the extra content like the Confidentials, deleted scenes, video diaries and more, they are just so good!! our list of favourite episodes keeps growing, season four is incredible, we are loving all these seasons even more the second time around!! Now we are probably going to start watching either Classic Who or Torchwood, along with more of David's work. We were trying to pick what to watch during dinner the other day and Nicolas was like 'damn, David is not in this though, I miss him' and lmao same so now we just watch one show without him and one with him right after to cope 😂

OH we have also been doing more historical reenactment! Since the last one in the 20's we jumped back to Regency times. We have been putting our outfits together for a ball soon and hopefully another one in autumn in the UK 😊 1800 is the farthest back in time we've been yet so it's been fun doing research, finding pieces and learning the dances in class but also very hectic. I'll share more about this soon!

Then we also have a couple of 1900 events coming soon, so I'll be sharing more Edwardian looks as well, our favourite era!!

Anyway I think that's all for now, thanks for reading to whoever is doing so!! I know this is long and not a popular blogging format anymore but I enjoy it a lot, maybe some of you do too 🥰 I will reply to some messages soon, I'm so sorry I'm so bad at keeping up with those!! I've read them all and cherish every word 🥺 Thank you for supporting my art and shenanigans as always!! I hope you have a great week!!

[brekk3red]

On Lizzie and Tommy Shelby

☆ A Yapping Session ☆

Notes: I've recently finished the last episode of Peaky Blinders and I have so much on my mind regarding the relationship between Lizzie and Thomas. There simply isn't enough content online to accommodate for my internet surfing, so I'll post my thoughts on here instead, mainly about why I don't think the ship would ever work out. Spoilers and (probably) many grammatical errors after the cut!

It isn't that I don't want to like Lizzie x Tommy - in fact, I was on my knees the entire show praying that they would work out. Eventually, though, I lose hope seeing their relationship struggle to move beyond a painful, one-sided love for the majority of the entire show (except towards the end, but more on that later). It gets to a point where they need a miracle to work.

I should also mention Grace. To me, her significance in the show seems greater when she's dead than alive. I didn't even think that she would make an appearance again after season 1, and that her role is to solidify the distrust Thomas has in others (caused by their entanglements followed by her betrayal). I don't dislike her at all, but I don't think I ever got the chance to truly invest myself in her story before she is already killed. What the show stresses most is the impact her death leaves on Thomas. He is tortured by grief, self-blame, guilt, etc.. So while I don't care much for Grace x Tommy, it's not difficult to see that Thomas will never love anyone as much as he loves Grace.

As for Lizzie, she is who Thomas turns to after Grace's death. They haven't had much of a romantic history beforehand, but a sexual one turned professional when he offers her a job as his secretary (I will try to avoid recounting everything in the show lest this gets boring). During this time, Lizzie acts as his emotional crutch. This doesn't mean much, just that he uses her body to distract himself from the grieving of his late wife. Although he is the one to promise her complete exemption from her past job as a prostitute, he breaks that promise once at the Derby race, then again by basically treating her like one to cope with the loss of his wife. The only difference now is that she is exclusive to Thomas, almost willingly so because she harbours feelings for him.

Their sexual relationship continues throughout the seasons, and he turns to her once more when memories of Greta (pre-war Thomas' lover) resurfaces. So really, up to this point, there isn't a time when he has sex with Lizzie, with Lizzie in mind.

Lizzie's pregnancy prompts their marriage due to the stigmas surrounding children born of wedlock at the time, so it obviously isn't out of love. Nothing particular changes afterwards and Lizzie remains a long shot from ever comparing to Grace. I probably will go back to this topic a lot, but the difference between Thomas’ interactions with Grace contrary to other women is huge. Their sex scenes (often in slow-motion with backing music, etc.) is exceptionally intimate in contrast to the furniture-thumping, lustful fucking he has with prostitutes. Lizzie unfortunately falls into the latter category. Where even well into their marriage, she has to personally demand they do it on the bed.

That whole episode really stands out to me regarding their relationship. Thomas has no qualms in bedding other women while married to her, and Lizzie knows this. Yet she only goes as far as to forbid him from doing it in their own home and not within a day of holding their daughter’s hand (I think). It’s pitiful and only gets worse when Thomas drops the statement that she is “his property” and no one else may touch her. That sounds like something younger me would read on Wattpad and giggle and kick my feet (shame on me), but there is nothing commendable or romantic about this. While Lizzie has to negotiate against his cheating, he brazenly chalks her up as an asset in his inventory, like he would a car or a horse. Possessiveness also isn't love (‼️). There is a clear power imbalance in their dynamics; Lizzie is never in control, Thomas is. He almost never listens to anyone, let alone her. It is always him who makes the decisions and she could argue all she wants but inevitably, she would have to be the one to submit.

More specifically about Thomas' infidelity, I would understand if he has sex with other women for the sake of furthering his plans, such as with Jessie. After all, he isn't in love with Lizzie or their political marriage, so it wouldn't burden him to cheat on her if it means that he gets what he wants logically. However, he doesn't just do that. He hires prostitutes and speaks to Lizzie within the span of seconds and doesn't bat an eye. At some point even basic respect is lacking in their relationship, a relationship that Lizzie has been so loyal to, yet she is constantly met with nothing but humiliation. She holds the title of being his wife, but what supports it other than some rings and legal documents?

Heading towards the last few episodes, Thomas strives to change his ways due to false news about his impending death. He becomes more considerate of Lizzie, shows his care more often and more openly, but their relationship couldn't be salvaged with the given time constraints. At some point, Thomas says "I love you" for what is probably the first time. The way I see it, though, is that he is pushing himself to love her because he knows that is what she wants, what will make her happy. It couldn't, and doesn't work, especially given the short time they have. Even if what he says is true, Lizzie ends up leaving him.

I like this ending. Thomas is right when he says that she deserves better. My gorgeous, breath-taking, soul-stealing queen does deserve better than him and it's about time they let go of whatever relationship they have. While Thomas cares for Lizzie immensely, their relationship is more toxic than not and he ultimately couldn't give her what she needs and deserves after all these years. Sometimes things don't work out and that's okay. I hope that they do not return to each other in the movie (if it comes out), but find separate, better lives for themselves.

Notes: that is all of my late night rant, i may just be spewing nonsense atp so do tell me if i've gotten anything wrong or if you have different takes on these topics. thank yew (❁´◡`❁)

[kandisheek]

FIC REC WEEK 43 – ENEMIES TO LOVERS

(First Impressions Are) A Work in Progress by ras_elased

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: M Words: 15,195 Tags: Metaphorical Pigtail-Pulling, Getting Together, Wholesome Steve

Summary: Tony has a point system for the times he can get Steve to be less than perfect.

Reasons why I love it: To me, this fic is one of the corner stones of the Stony fandom. It's one of the first fics that got me into this pairing, so it holds a very special place in my heart. I can quote parts of it from memory, it's that good. So if you haven't read it yet, do yourself a favor and get right on it. I promise you'll love it just as much as I do.

Citation Needed by elwenyere, FestiveFerret

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: M Words: 30,570 Tags: College AU, Professors Steve and Tony, History Mystery

Summary: Historian Tony Stark has one year to get his book about WWII weapons technology under contract before he goes up for Full Professor at Stanley College. There's only one chapter left to finish, which is supposed to explain Peggy Carter's involvement with something called "Project Rebirth," but there are two problems: his trail of evidence goes cold every time he encounters references to an enigmatic soldier named Steven Rogers, and his stress levels shoot through the roof every time he runs into the endlessly frustrating new hire in Fine Arts, Dr. Grant.

Reasons why I love it: I was following along as this story was posted, and each new update was the highlight of week, every time. The plot is so intricate and well thought out that it feels almost like a murder mystery, and I absolutely adore the ending. This fic is incredible, and you should definitely read it, if you haven't already!

the girl with the modern face by isozyme

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: E Words: 26,881 Tags: Crossdressing, Internalized Homophobia, Lingerie

Summary: “Nice to meet you.  I’m Steve Rogers,” Steve said, sticking his hand out and trying to wrestle the interaction back into something normal. “I know, sweetheart,” Tony said, ignoring his hand.  “Rescue told me all about you.” “Did you make her?” Steve asked.  It had been implied that Tony was a tech-man, and she said he was her boss.  It would fit together. “Yes, the armor, that was me; she’s my bodyguard,” Tony said archly.  “Impressed?” The only good thing about the future is Tony Stark's bodyguard, Rescue. She's beautiful in her red and gold armor, and Steve will never know who she is.

Reasons why I love it: As always, isozyme's grasp on the prejudices Steve might have due to his background is impeccable. Also, Tony crossdressing as Rescue is such a kickass concept that I wish I'd thought of it myself. The characterizations and dialogues are perfect all the way through, and I especially love the character development in Steve. This fic is one of my favorites, so I really hope you give it a shot!

[fangirlingfromdownunder]

A Sweet Mishap - Chapter 20

Pairing - Jensen Ackles x Reader 

A/N: I just want to start by thanking everyone for all the love on this story so far. Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list. This chapter is a little heavier (as is the story going forward, but I'll include potential triggers for each chapter as relevant), so please read the TW below and only read on if you feel comfortable doing so.

Potential Trigger Warnings: no warnings

A Sweet Mishap Masterlist | Main Masterlist

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

As the reality of making it on Broadway sets in I dedicate myself to self-improvement. I go for lengthy walks or jogs daily either before or after work depending on my shift. I call or text Jensen whenever we can, and decide to give a relationship with him a real shot. 

But, as the week goes on and he prepares to go back to Vancouver to start filming and I busy myself with night rehearsals, work at the cafe, and prep work for my classes, all while attempting to maintain a healthy sleep schedule. My contact with Jensen eventually drops back to sporadic text messages and a range of missed calls on either side. The one thing keeping me from a major meltdown is knowing my best friend will be back Sunday and I’ve already got a coffee date planned for Monday morning.

When I finally lay in bed on Saturday night, getting some much needed relaxation I scroll through my social media feed. Thanks to Jensen’s surprise stunt at the wedding and then his run-in at the barbecue joint, his face is all over my feed. I scroll through the lists of speculations about a secret girlfriend or project in New York. The adrenaline and secrecy makes me smile, but at the same time I’m terrified of the truth coming out before I’m ready. I send a few of the articles to Jensen. Minutes later he’s calling. As I answer I can hear music and other voices in the background and I instantly feel guilty for disrupting his night. 

“Hey Darlin’. Relax. I know about the posts. That’s one of the things my agent called about the other day. I’m handling it.”

“I’m sorry, did I disturb your night? You sound like you’re out. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-”

“I just haven’t had a chance to bring it up, but I’m here now. It doesn’t matter where else I am. You need me, so I’m here. Take a deep breath for me.”

I throw my head back on my pillow and take a deep breath, “There’s no way you’re real…”

“It makes me disappointed in my gender that you think that. It means your standards are low.”

“You don’t exactly get high standards when you’ve dated the people I have…But I really don’t want to talk or think about them. What’s your plan?”

“To treat you like my queen. Prove to you that you deserve the world and that you’re my number one.”

“I uh…I meant about the rumours…But that sounds amazing. It’s not gonna be easy, but I’m rooting for you.”

I hear another voice call out on the other end of the line, “Hey Jensen, go easy on my top shelf whiskey! And get back in here!” I figure it’s just someone else at the party or bar or wherever he is.

“I’m comin’!” He calls out before lowing his voice again, “I promise I’m gonna handle it all, so you can just focus on becoming the star I know you are.”

“Thanks. Sounds like your friends are missing you. You should get back.”

“Only if you’re sure you’re okay? No brisket?”

“No brisket, I’m okay now. I should get some sleep anyway.”

“Alright, Darlin’. Sweet dreams.”

I hang up and snuggle into my bed. 

After a long few hours in the cafe, I sit back at the counter in my apartment infront of my laptop. I fill out the digital forms to drop back to part-time study. I figure with getting fit, rehearsals, work and my new, budding relationship I just don’t have the time or mental capacity for the extra unnecessary stress and workload. And last night just confirmed in my mind that I need to focus on my mental health and wellbeing. Feeling a little disappointed but also relieved, I submit the forms and then focus on the required reading for the acting classes. 

After an hour and a half my eyes are straining and my stomach is growling, I shut my laptop and walk around the island bench to find something to eat. As I make a sandwich I keep glancing over at my face-down phone As I sit down to eat I quickly flip it over and slide up for notifications. I notice a missed call from Stella. I quickly call her back, excited to hear from her after what feels like the longest week ever. 

“Hey, Bestie! How’s married life?”

“Amazing! I’ve had the best week ever! I can’t wait to tell you everything tomorrow!”

“Abridged, please. I need a PG version, M at your worst. You can leave out the X-rated stuff, which I know there would have been plenty of.”

“That takes out 90 per cent of my week! Nah, you know what Nick’s like, we did plenty of PG-rated activities.”

“Speaking of Nick, shouldn’t you guys be enjoying your last afternoon and night before the official end of your honeymoon?”

“You would think…But Mr. Reality-check got back to reality the second we touched down. He’s busy checking mail and paying bills and then onto meal prep. I guess it’s good one of us wants to do that…”

“I’m sorry…”

“I know who I married. It’s sweet really, cause I know he’s only doing it to make the transition easier for both of us, and he knows I’ve been dying to hear your goss!”

“We agreed to talk about everything tomorrow…” I say trying to deflect as I start to pace.

“Yeah, but I’m only gonna get an hour for lunch and that includes travel time to and from the cafe. And I need more than the 45-ish minutes that we’re gonna have left. So, tell me about you and Mr Tall and Sexy.”

“There’s honestly not much to tell…We are a maybe something…a far-fetched possibility…”

“There’s a story there…You need me to come over?”

“No! No…You need to be at home with your husband. In other news! Grease? The audition YOU signed me up for…”

“No way! You got it? Who? Sandy? Frenchy?”

“Understudy…and…Female Student number three.”

“Well, you’re gonna be the best damn Female Student number three to ever bless that stage!”

“That’s the plan, but also, chances are over the six week run I’ll get at least one matinee show as the lead.”

“When that happens, I’ll be in the front row.”

“I know you will. Thanks.”

“I’m glad you got a part. I was worried I was gonna have to get you the junior HR position…”

“Broadway is where I want to be. I’m willing to work for it. It’s my first role and it’s a great position. No one lands the lead as their first role…except for probably Jensen Ackles,” I add under my breath.

“What’d he do? You always wear the blame but it’s always the guys in your life taking advantage, so what did HE do?”

“Nothing…I’ve got so much work to do before classes start this week, and I’ve got rehearsals most nights.”

“Hey, I’m your best friend. You can talk to me.”

“I’ve just got a lot to do. I’m thrilled that you had an amazing honeymoon and I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. But go enjoy your night with your husband…”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

“I know. Enjoy your night.”

“I plan to. Don’t get too in your head about whatever’s going on.”

I sigh and hang up. As I try my best to refocus on the text about tone and enunciation, my mind keeps wandering back to the night before and the endless rumors that I’m caught in the middle of.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Taglist: @stoneyggirl2 @hobby27, @n-o-p-e-never, @deansimpalababy,

@winchesterwild78, @kr804573, @chriszgirl92, @smoothdogsgirl

@speakinvain, @deans-baby-momma, @1967winchesterimpala

[widebrimmedhatsblog]

I'm going to combine my reply to yours on AO3 with this, but yes, I 100% get it. People can be so rude and unappreciative and I know it's usually not on purpose but it can still be grating. Not very demure, not very mindful 😓

This is a really young fandom (not just in age specifically, but in fandom experience) and I try to remind myself of that all the time. I'm in a place now where I just scroll past in my inbox and barely take in comments like that, but I get how disappointing it can be. We work really hard on these pieces and they genuinely take a lot of our time and energy we could spend doing other things (I haven't read a book in months), so getting responses like that on a labour of love is so grating.

I feel so awkward as a writer who gets it even phrasing "I'd love to see more" in comments. It's very: I want this person to know I loved it so much I want to see more of it, but also: I don't want this person to feel pressured to do it just because I love it, I just want them to know. Even when I commented, I had in the back of my mind how many WIPs you were working on and how stressful that can be holding all of that in your head, but I don't think normal people realise.

It's like you have a million things to do but you've spent all day baking a triple layer cake with filling and frosting and all the toppings and you're exhausted and your feet hurt but you're eagerly watching someone eat the first slice...and they say "nice! have you got any biscuits?" and you're just like???

@justallihere and I always talk about starting a fandom podcast to talk about things like this and educate people and honestly, I think the world needs it. People treat writers like TikTok content creators and that's just not how it works over here.

(Also, I promise we're not girlbossing it, we're bullshitting our way through every minute of every day)

I'm annoyed that this has ruined the excitement of posting a new work for you, you should be able to bask in our shared joy after gifting us something like this. I really loved the work, truly and I can understand the lack of inclination to continue it given the little worldbuilding we've been shown. It certainly doesn't make canon-adjacent fic easy. Love that you don't like Brennan though, or have any desire to write him. He's dodgy as fuck.

As a writer, you can only write what you want to write. If you're not enthusiastic about it or inspired by it, it either won't be written at all, or the magic won't be there. If you can see where it goes but you don't want to write it then you shouldn't.

I'm so grateful for you taking on the prompt in the first place, it was a wonderful gift and the pair of them were everything I could have hoped for—Violet being her prickly self and Xaden still being a self-assured casanova? Delicious. Plus, we love a fic where Violet gets eaten out in the wilderness 😉 Welcome to the club! Should we create a 'cunnilingus in the wilderness' tag for this fandom?

You put so much thought into this whole world and it's absolutely, truly appreciated by those who matter and understand how hard the process is and what a gift it is—thank you, thank you, thank you! 🙏

Amy!!! You are so lovely, thank YOU. I get you 100000% and I didn’t feel pressured by you whatsoever. I definitely agree that people who aren’t writers just don’t get it. I got a comment this morning that was like I’d read 200k more of this, and it’s like, someone has to WRITE 200k more of it then. Two hundred thousand words are not going to fall out of the sky just because you’d like to read them. But I digress!!! There’s been a lot of joy in it too, especially in discussing the backstory with everyone. If you and Alli had a podcast I think I would go a little insane!

I personally am just not huge on writing Brennan when he’s alive because he makes NO SENSE. I feel slightly similar about the Fen & Xaden dynamic. I just prefer to write him being dead for that reason.

Again, I’m so so SO glad you specifically enjoyed the fic!! I thought about you a lot while writing it, so I’m glad that paid off.

Cunnilingus In The Wildnerness Tag!!! Absolutely. I am honored to join the club .

This made me very happy, and definitely helped me feel better about things + my reaction to them. Thank you.

[batsplat]

Not to want to get you into hot waters but one of the blogs on here shared Marc’s onboard from the 2015 sepang kick incident and I’m a bit unsure how anyone could watch that and not consider it a deliberate kick? Really don’t want anyone to get mad because I’m no expert so maybe there’s something about Valentino’s movements that allows for the “accidental” kick option but if so, what is it? Because as a layman, watching it… I wish it were possible to show that video to Valentino and make him explain exactly how that kick was not on purpose…

I think it's genuinely ambiguous! this is what's interesting about it, right - if you look at the onboards and the helicopter shots there's a decent chance that depending on what you watch you'll end up with a pretty different view on it, and it's inarguable that from certain angles it looks incredibly like a kick. it's also inarguable that whether valentino kicked marc or not, he did deliberately attempt to run him wide, which you can see was intentional by how he looks behind him just before they make contact. it's still not clean riding whichever way you look at it, which is why he got the penalty

I'm going to defer to someone else's opinion here myself (you'll find I link back to this site a lot and broadly consider it trustworthy), from a bloke who does very much believe valentino was in the wrong that weekend. this is in the aftermath of the fim requesting that honda doesn't release data which would have 'proven' valentino kicked marc in an entirely futile attempt to make the controversy die down. the piece talks first about what data like this even involves, including this bit:

the main point here is that the data isn't going to tell you whether valentino kicked him or not, because that's not something you can actually read in data. I have another ask that's vaguely related to this sitting in my drafts, but it's always been one of the most interesting elements of all the controversy in late 2015 - both sides attempting to definitively prove the unprovable with a few numbers. let's quickly bring in what arguments both sides as well as race direction made in the immediate aftermath from the post-race piece by the same author:

that's valentino's explanation, right, marc's handlebar hit valentino's knee, which caused the leg movement as well as the crash. a little more from the immediate post-race write-up:

basically, the view here is that the two bikes make contact - and as a result of where marc hits valentino, valentino's foot is dislodged from the foot peg, catching marc's handlebars in the process. again, none of this actually exonerates valentino. whether there was a kick or no kick, you are NOT allowed to run another rider off-track! whether valentino literally wanted marc to crash or not, this was always going to be a possible consequence of his actions - which he would have known was the case! it is obviously worse to kick someone, partly because it just feels like a particularly egregious offence, but there is no version of this story where valentino comes out with a clean scorecard

as the 'post-honda promising to release conclusive evidence' piece goes on to say:

of course, all this is just one bloke's view. I don't think it's unreasonable to believe that valentino did kick marc. but I also struggle to see how it's a clear cut case for the prosecution. again, however, it really is important to stress that valentino by his own admission was engaging in an extremely dubious move. the kick would be the cherry on the icing, if you will, but running another rider so wide that you are probably trying to force them to leave the track is generally not considered acceptable behaviour. the kick question is very much something everyone has to decide for themselves - or not! I still think it's the ambiguity that helps make the whole thing so interesting, that every single clash between the two of them that year still has so many unanswered questions. that both sides have their own unshakeable views of events - sometimes close to 'reality' and sometimes a little less so, sometimes reasonable and sometimes anything but. it's the subjectivity and the fallibility of the human capacity to understand events that we ourselves have experienced - it's this lack of knowability for both outsiders and insiders that makes it so endlessly fascinating and rewarding to analyse. even the two men themselves cannot completely understand what happened that day, what happened in those few seconds, and they never will. we're all in the dark, in the end

[everettswritings]

Oh my god, Everett making a contribution to the tickle community?! It must be Christmas! Anyways, I guess I should explain myself a bit. You see, whenever I see a character who’s energetic and a chaotic little gremlin my brain automatically goes “I need to completely wreck you”. Sorry, that’s just the way I am! Oh yeah, SFW INTERACTION ONLY! THIS IS NOT A KINK! I AM A MINOR! SFW! Enjoy

Ler:

Evil, very evil.

Definitely one of those lers that does more teasing than tickling, saying every phrase in the book just to drive their Lee insane

”Does that tickle?” “Wow, you’re so ticklish there!” “Coochie coochie coo!”, are just some examples. SOME. Bro’s a chatterbox

NEVER and I mean NEVER say anything like “oh not there” or whatever, he will instinctively focus ONLY on that spot

Enjoys loudly announcing your presence, especially in front of others.

”OOH! Look who it is! It’s my favorite lee!”

You know how I said he uses his puppeteering skills to make cookies do stuff? They use that to orchestrate tickle fights between others, this has especially been used on the other Beasts. They’ve probably gotten beaten up for it, too

Insanely quick, faster than Sonic the Hedgehog! It’s impossible to catch their hands

Lee:

Stupid ticklish. You’re giving me a jester boy who spends most of his couple lines of dialogue laughing, and expecting me not to headcanon him as super ticklish? Hah, no!

Light pokes are enough to get him laughing, especially his ribs(they’re his worst spot).

Squirmy and wriggly beyond belief! If they aren’t restrained, they are going to kick like a mule and punch like a gorilla.

I cannot stress enough how much this bastard SQUIRMS! He isn’t even opposed to rolling around on the ground or trying to crawl away

His laughter is at its loudest when he’s being tickled, it’s loud enough to pierce ears. Oh, he squeals, too! Have fun with that :)

Tries to shush any and all teasing, they can dish it out but they can’t take it.

Revenge tickling is also a must. They can’t handle it, they hate it, so they have to take some form of revenge

And that’s about it! I know y’all probably weren’t expecting this, or even wanting this; but I wanted it and I’m the wonder of this blog, so there. I felt the need to post something because I promised to post this weekend, and honestly this has been in the back of my mind for some time. I know y’all are probably getting sick of headcanons with no real fics, but I’m definitely going to make up for that as soon as I can! Have a good one 🫶

[kwimii999]

Life update + Blog update

So, as my blog is becoming more inactive I do want to say that I do think I will be now posting just updates/download posts only. Maybe more just downloads at this point, until I choose to quit completly.

Why though ?

To be quite honest, I'm in fact someone who tends to want to distance myself away from social media since it can be draining on me. My life's already so stressful..... but ever since I started modding the game, It's been getting worse sadly.

" So you hate us.... ? "

Woah there no I don't ! What I hate is the pressure I put on myself for the sake of making content. I'm someone who prioritize my mental health and if I see that something's hindering it well, I remove it completly... 😣 even if I'm the one who created the storm. In other words, since I chose to start modding the game and sharing what I make, I'm also giving myself the option to soft quit or completly quit.

If that ever happens, you guys will know about it, since I will tell you guys. I'm not the type to delete my content so it'll always be there if it happens.

There's other things as well

College literally slapped tf outta me, jumped on me, slapped me again and punched me to make sure Im really dying. Even summer break is not helping.

I'm overwhelmed and it feels like I've been crawling for months now.

Actual live footage of me doing the last part of default face presets project :

The back of my mind keeps telling me (I want a break, I want a break, I want a break) and I've been ignoring it but I can't anymore because I'm physically starting to feel it. I feel fatigued almost everyday and It's just too much for me overall... and the pressure I put on myself to mod the game is actually not helping righ now as well so yeah...

+ On top of everything that goes on in my life, I cannot deal with it, nope.

About new mods coming out

So of course the things that I've promised are coming out (custom presets, default face presets) but the rest of the other future mods I'll just post them whenever they're done, so no more updates/polls (even though I genuinely liked doing them😓). The reason why I won't do updates or polls is because of the pressure, it makes me feel like I need to finish it like NOW NOW NOW QUICK QUICKKKKK. And since I know my issue very well, I'll get obsessed about finishing it and not stop until Im completly dying...... don't ask me why cause we'll both be looking at eachother like :

But yeah, that's all I've wanted to say :)

[swanimagines]

Hi :)

I just want to say that I love your work and am so sorry about your mental health (I can sympathise❤️). I know it is much, much easier said than done, but please try and give yourself as much grace as you can - with both writing and life.

With writing, it is ok to fail with it, and I know you want to beat yourself up with it - but experimentation is where you can find things about your style you'd never know.

I'm sorry if I come across as preachy at all, but I wish you well and, once again, adore your work ❤️❤️

I'm so sorry it took this long to reply, I was at my mum's and didn't really check Tumblr during staying there.

But thank you for your comforting words, I'm trying not to beat myself up over not being able to write right now. I have a lot going on irl*, so I guess that also affects my mood and why I feel so stressed about this. Usually, writing is my outlet for these situations, when I'm stressed and have my head full of thoughts, writing makes me calm down. But now I just can't get anything out, no matter what or how I try. I got a suggestion to clear out my inbox a while ago when I last made a post about this, but the problem isn't my requests, I have LOADS of ideas for my requests, and I'm excited to write them, but I just can't get it written the way I wanna get it written. I'm advised to write my own ideas. They have the same problem as my requests. I'm advised to write whatever I can think of. The moment I try, my head just empties itself.

"Hmm what to write, can't think of anything, well if I force myself to write: Horses are green and they eat marshmallows. Uh. I don't know, I just can't think of anything sensible. Even writing this is kinda a struggle because I just? Can't write the way I'd want to, these aren't the thoughts I'd want to write but I already forgot what I was going to write, I thought of that like 10 seconds ago and already forgot. And not to mention that writing this is boring af. I'd much rather to clean a bathroom, bleh."

And it goes on and on and on like that.

*Looooong story and I don't have patience to write it all especially when most of it irritates me a lot anyway, let's just say I was promised something a year ago to happen soon after London but I've had to wait til now because of stuff not dependant on me (the person who would grant me a permission was on a sick leave til July and insists on seeing me on 5th of November before giving the permission and I want to strangle her for that, because I've been forced to wait for 6 extra months because of her sick leave), now it's finally happening next week but I'm still kinda furious about it because a lot of things have been ruined/delayed/cancelled because of it being so late, and I'm terrified this will negatively affect next March. It wouldn't affect it if it happened when I was promised it will happen, but unless some stuff will happen instead attached to this thing that's happening, I'm forced to change my plans for March a quite a bit (mainly meaning I wouldn't be able to get many photo OPs and would have to choose the most important people I want to get a photo OP with, and whose autographs I want) and it would crush me because it's my last convention ever with Shadow and Bone cast and I'll be mopey after that anyway, so a possibility that I may not be able to gather as many memories as I intended at first, and it's because THINGS DON'T WORK like they should and I'm forced to pay for shit service like this... yeah. I'm sure you understand why it's extremely annoying and unfair.

About the "some stuff", I'm HIGHLY doubtful about it because basically it'd mean a bunch of extra money for me to spend every month and I just can't believe that's possible before the institute who's paying confirms it. Everyone around me says it's true and my calculations are 100% correct etc, but like? I just can't believe that before they themselves confirm it. If that's indeed true, then everything is fine and I'll forgive them all their sins because I'd be able to buy more than what my initial plans included. But again, I highly HIGHLY doubt that because that just can't be true unless I'm living in some kind of fever dream, not with this government 😅

[blackjackkent]

The Ebbs and Flows of Programming

I got a very nice shoutout from @vexacarnivorous the other day as part of their writeup of resources in the codeblr sphere. It made me smile and I very much appreciated it. <3

It also made me think a lot.

Vexa shouted me out for the fact that I offer free programming tutoring as part of my Twitch livestream - which is very true, and I welcome anyone requesting it. I love helping people, especially those just getting into the industry. If you would like to reach out to me for assistance, learning, or just chatting about code, please, please do; I am always available for it.

Anyone paying attention, though, might have noticed I haven't done my coding stream except when tutoring in a number of weeks or really posted much about coding at all. The truth is, I haven't really done much programming outside of work for several months.

I've been hesitant to term it "burnout" because it hasn't come with the hallmarks we typically associate with that word - I don't feel depressed, I don't feel resentful or stressed really. But really it is a flavor of the same thing, and I think as someone who prides myself on representing what being a developer is Really Like, I think this sort of thing bears its own round of discussion.

Sometimes you just won't want to code, and that's also okay.

I think this is a difficult thing to conceptualize when you are a new developer. In my experience, those early years in the field are full of excitement and promise. You have so many ideas and there is so much to learn and every bit of new technique or technology feels like opening a treasure trove. For years, I was the poster child for this level of enthusiasm - late nights working on side projects and coming into work with dark circles under my eyes.

And I am not for a moment saying that's a bad thing! Ride that enthusiasm train as far as it will go whenever it comes into the station. :) This is an exciting field and I love seeing anyone get excited about an idea, implement it, run with it, feel fulfilled by making it.

What I want to talk about, though, is the days when it doesn't feel like that - because you will have them. Everyone has them. Personally, I'm 34 and tired. XD Sometimes I go through periods where I just want to play video games and not think about anything after work. And just as often, the urge to work on a project eventually comes back - probably quicker when I don't force it - but it's really easy to be too hard on myself for those periods where the enthusiasm isn't there.

The reason I think this is important to discuss is that there is a LOT of stigma, spoken and unspoken, in the industry against people who leave work at work. There's the concept of the 10x engineer - a developer whose productivity and output matches that of 10 "regular" engineers, and who is constantly in the trenches. There's the vocal admiration for people who drive themselves to distraction, working 80 hour weeks to achieve their vision of some killer app, side project, or even their company's product. This is viewed as the apotheosis of developer-hood, but in truth, it's unhealthy - both for those grinding that way and those who don't want to but are stuck with the image all the same.

I struggle with this image myself. The last few months, a recurring throughline in my therapy session has been - what am I bringing to the world if I'm not producing project output All The Time. It's been a little humbling stepping into the spaces of young developers to offer my help, and realizing that they are full of that exuberance and energy when I am in a slump where I am not.

But what I want to say here, ultimately, is this, and most likely it goes for other callings as well - sometimes you will feel the fire burning within you, and sometimes you won't. Don't get caught in the trap of feeling that your worth as a person (or as a developer) comes in passionate, all-consuming output. The important thing, always, is whether you are doing work, or living life, in a way that makes you feel fulfilled. And I, for one, am proud of you (and learning to be proud of myself) no matter what that looks like.

[awesomedurraworld]

hi, I am about to speak my opinion about the most classic FMA patterns in fics.

Hello again, if you don't know me, I am sweet, I have been writing FMA since April 2022, and I have so far published 47 fics of this fandom, I am dusweet @ Ao3.

I’ve been in this fandom since late 2021 and finished Brotherhood in February 2022- ON ED’S BIRTHDAY WHICH I THINK ITS COOL.

Okay now we know basic dates, you can guess that I read too many FMA fics, and that means that I have been seeing a pattern in them. And It doesn't matter if the fic was published in 2002 or in 2023- they all share similar themes- or like, I would say headcanons??

so now I think it is time for me to talk about the things that are often written and I don't like, and One them I just reblogged a few hours ago and that's:

Roy Mustang and his paperwork.

Hold on, let's just think about it a little together. Roy Mustang, and a state alchemist, freaking Colonel at 26, Bridigal general at 30- the man is basically planning his own suicide- are you telling me THIS MAN WHO IS A SCIENTIST slacks in his job?

Like, the man wants to be Furher. The man has guilt complex, the man hates himself and is working to help his people.

It just doesn't add up in my opinion. It's funny sometimes, yes. But I just don't like how Riza keeps threatening him with a gun because he isn't doing his work when he is secretly doing it but acts as if he isn't because of the reputation he built.

You get what I mean, right?

Which brings me to point 2:

Riza Hawkeye and her gun.

Oftentimes, Riza is written in a way that she keeps threatening Roy or treating him less- again, funny at times- but the fact remains:

Riza is in this army because of Roy, and she loves him to the point that is clear if she shot him, she will shoot herself. I would say it is a case “ the man is the boss.” here because the fact is Roy is the boss. Not Riza ( even tho she is a girlboss.)

Roy is her commanding officer, she waits for his orders. Simple as that.

Again, I do see her threatening the boys with her gun, after all, she is the right-hand of Mustang, and the third higher rank on the team ( Ed being few ranks higher then her.)

Riza is a smart woman, and she chooses to follow a man she loves into hell. It's a huge thing. She is SMART. And I don't this she would have agreed to work under Roy if he was as slaking as people write him.

Point 3:

Edward Elric and the small nicknames.

I will say it and you will hate me for it- but that is called BULLYING.

“ oh but sweet- they joke with Hi-” no. No. No. No.

If they were joking with him- he wouldn't get angry after every time someone calls him small or short. Edward has a hard time as is, the stress and the guilt and the responsibility are too much, and to think someone ( like on Team Mustang who knows about his life.) goes on and dares to bully him- it freaking hurts.

Every time I see someone calling Ed “ shrimp” I get angry for him. I’ve been a victim of bullying myself, and it hurts when you get picked up over something you might be insecure about.

I called him once shrimp- in my first ever fic- and again, maybe funny at times, but after it hit me one day that Ed yelling means that he is angry. And if he gets angry and expresses that he doesn't want to be called short and people still call him that it means that they bully him. After that, I try to never do it again.

✨ headcanon here, Ed is short like that because as a kid, he didn't receive enough nutritions and enough food. Although it is known that Ed eats for himself and Al- I think even on post-promise day Ed will keep eating that way ( maybe less but the same way, because it is the way his body is surviving. Since it thinks it might go for a while without food so it wants to eat as much as it could.)

I like to think that Ed was Al’s parent and therefore he used to give Al his food since they were poor and did not have enough money or food.

Since I mentioned this headcanon, let me follow it by this:

Point 4:

Edward Elric is the one who raised Alphonse Elric and not the other way around.

I think that a lot of people go with the “ Al is more mature, Ed is childish.” mindset, which angers me.

As the oldest child, I relate to Edward in so many aspects ( besides the long hair in a braid deal.) For more than half of my day, I am in charge of my youngest siblings- feeding them, playing with them, teaching them, you get the idea. and according to my mom I started acting like a mother haha

Now that same thing should be applied to Edward. From just watching how they act and how they talk, many will judge right away and Say that Ed is the child one because he is impolite, loud and angry for nothing, and many would say that “Why can't you be just like your brother.”

i likes to think that Edward is loud and angry for these reasons:

He is protecting himself and Al from being abandoned all over again, he wants to be unloved in order not to get attached. He gets angry because anger to him is such an easy emotion to portray and be.

When he gets angry and frustrated and acts out- he is looking for attention. And that has been apparent ever since he was a child. Like, when he hits Al with the book on his head? Why? Because he wants his mother to yell at him. He tries to grasp her attention and time by acting out.

And that same tactic that he uses with Roy. If he was acting like he should be, Roy might see him for five minutes a day. But with acting out, he gets to have Roy’s attention as he yells at him.

Mature levels are different between the brothers, and it is clear how Ed has an understanding of things around them and works hard, I am not saying that Al isn't mature. It just... Ed raised Al. I think that explains everything.

Point 5:

Jean Havoc and how people write him as an idiot.

Listen, I love me some good Uncle Jean action. And I love how people write him like that- the uncle/older brother dynamic.

I think on the team he is the third oldest- Vato being the older one, then Roy, and then Jean, and so on- so say he is like, 27 (?) IT MEANS THAT HE IS A GROWN MAN, K? PEOPLE NEED TO STOP WRITING HIM AS A HORNY TEEN.

I also want to point out, that maybe Jean is looking for a woman and going out on dates as much as he could so he can find a WIFE so he can settle down with and marry and have kids.

But the fact is, Jean is smarter than he gives himself credit, and we can see that across the anime and the manga. Also, I am not sure if this fact is Canon- but one of my favorite things about this man is that he is the medic of the team.

✨My headcanon is that he was a paramedic before he joined the Army or something. I just think it suits him.

Also, if he was not smart or mature enough, Roy wouldn't have made him “ team’s officer “

I just adore him, maybe more than Hughes-

AND Speaking of Hughes

Here is Point 6:

Maes Hughes and his family obsession.

I know I know he just loves taking photos and talking about his wife and daughter- because he is just a proud man, and I love him for that. What I dislike is when someone writes him as if that is the only thing he does??

Like, have we forgotten that he is a detective? And the head of the inspection department? He has fun when he can but also he has his head leveled when needed, let's not forget that.

Think about Meas as if he is Superman ( Clark Kent.) because these two have so many similar traits.

Point 7:

Winry Rockbell and her anger issues.

I again, dislike how abusive people write winry. Abusive might be the wrong word to use here, but when someone keeps hitting you with her wrench because your prosthetic broke against your will and it gets to the point that you try to fix it instead of going to her to help you fix it-

I just think it isn't healthy. Not to mention that Winry is always written as if she does not understand the hardships that Ed and Al go through. And that might be the case - she is just a girl who sees the man she loves get injuries and she doesn't understand the whys. And I think that is why she acts the way she does. Personally, I adore Winry. I like her and her and she and Ed are cute and they are right for each other.

I just dislike how she is always written as if Ed getting injured is his fault, Y’know?

Point 8:

Izumi and how much she does not understand the things that the boys go through.

she is a wonderful woman, strong, and loves kids and her husband- my problem is how much she doesn't seem to understand Ed and Al's post they committed the taboo. She always comes at Ed and Al for joining the military without seeing the reason behind it.

That is why I found myself hating every time she comes in fics after Ed gets injured or something because she will always yell at him and acts as if it was his fault.

I only truly liked Izumi in one fic I read, which had her being Roy’s older sister- and I liked that. She was understanding while having her normal personality.

And yea, I think these are it! I just expressed my personal opinion towards things and I do have a few other ideas but these are what come to mind right now. I do enjoy reading fics even if these things were present in them- but the chances of me writing things like this are very minimal.

Tell me what you think. Do you agree or disagree with these and why? I would love to chat ❤️

[nurgletwh]

*pokes head up*

*sees the world still exists*

Huh. Look at that.

On a more serious note, having essentially dropped off the face of the earth from the perspective of almost everyone who's following me here or my works on AO3, I am alive. This was not in any great danger of changing any more than the normal (one can always get hit by a bus, for example), but it turns out I haven't been well.

My first clues probably should have been long before I found myself sleeping eighteen hours a day for 'no damn good reason,' but since there were also some extremely difficult and terrifying weeks at work and the stress that goes with it, it crept up on me.

Unlike previous times I've disappeared, it wasn't related to my mental health this time. Not that it's any better, really, because it turns out that my diabetes was creeping out of control. I wasn't monitoring the way I should have been, and I missed a doctor's appointment without rescheduling (which is terrible when you have ADHD, because fucking remembering to call someone to reschedule is damn near impossible).

Anyhow.

It turns out that chronic high blood sugar makes a person feel all sorts of crappy in vague and indistinct ways that, in and of themselves, don't really trigger a sense of 'something is wrong, I should see a doctor.' It just leaves me feeling 'bleah' and 'ugh' and unable to do anything but sleep when I stop moving.

I am so far behind on anything and everything fun. I owe everyone who has a pending comment on my works a deep and heartfelt apology. I didn't mean to disappear. I know several of you have been worried, and it turns out at least semi-rightfully so. Not that there was much any of you could do about it, which really just makes it feel worse. I apologize for any stress and worry this may have caused. I can't promise to never do it again, unfortunately, because I am:

a) human b) a human with ADHD, and c) a human who is horrible at keeping up with communication the way she should.

I want to do better; I will try to do better. I have actually managed to continue writing, albeit at an exceptionally reduced rate. That's picked up markedly in the last week or so now that my meds have been adjusted. Hopefully, it continues to pick up. However, I don't think things are quite where they need to be based on my personal blood sugar testing, but it's a strong improvement. I still don't have much energy, but when I get home after work and sit down, I only sleep for forty-five minutes to an hour, not four followed by crawling into bed for the night and still not feeling rested in the morning.

I hope to start working my way through my inbox on AO3. If you're following me here and see this before I get to your comment, hi! ♥ Know that I have read them all and they give me sparks of joy to think about, but I have been very emphatically squashing any guilt at my non-response for now. Feeling guilty is a potent anti-motivator for someone with ADHD. It makes a growing mountain that I can run away from like an Olympic sprinter, which means that the only way I will successfully get back on track is to not feel guilty or compelled, which is the opposite of how it works for many folk.

I also seem to have gotten into some fucked-up screwy mindset where my brain is telling me I have to have something ready to post (or nearly so) before I can answer comments now. Which is just... wrong. So very, very wrong. I'm working on that, too. Blood sugar fixing first, however.

Take care, everyone. I've definitely been thinking about all of you and have seriously missed having the conversations and speculations that go with successfully generating writing but also require successfully responding to comments. It's been a seriously sucky couple of months; here's hoping things improve.

♥

[endogenicredstararchive]

Welcome!

Hello, everyone, and welcome to our little patch of heaven! I know I made an intro post before, but I feel that it’s become outdated already. So, after this post has been submitted, the old one will be unpinned, and possibly deleted, along with the original system intro post. Because all of our info will be in this one submission! Before we begin, please keep in mind that this page is a secondary blog! As a result, we won't be able to follow back! Now, without any further delays, let’s get started!

About the Host

My name is Shane, but you can also call me Sylum! I’m 29 years old. I’m physically disabled, chronically ill, and I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and inattentive type ADHD. I’m part of the Alterhuman community, meaning that I don’t psychologically identify as a human (This can also include spiritually for some people, but not me.). More specifically, I’m primarily fictionkin. I identify as an individual member of a fictional species known as the Buma from Final Fantasy VII– even more specifically, a subspecies that I developed, called the Icicle Variant. If you’d like to know more, please feel free to message me.

My secondary kintype is shapeshifter. A paleo shapeshifter to be more precise, meaning that I can mentally shift to any extinct species at any given time. So you may wind up talking to a living, breathing dinosaur at some point.

Important Info: Due to my anxiety, I may not reach out to anyone outside the system. If you’d like to talk, please send a DM. Please be patient with me, as it may take a bit for me to respond. If anyone’s up front aside from myself, they may answer in my stead. Please be aware that some system mates aren’t social. So I apologize in advance if they come off as rude.

Now, it’s time for the fun part! Let’s meet the system!

Note: I’ve decided to use an almost sci-fi space marine/military naming theme in regards to their roles. (I’m a nerd. Shush./j) Please be aware that the guys aren’t all like their source materials.

The Red Star System

Let’s get one, very important detail out of the way: We are an Endogenic System, meaning that we don’t stem from trauma of any sort. If you would like to know about non-traumagenic plurality, please check out the ICD-11, as it’s a tad more in date than the DSM-5. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get on with member introductions!

Good afternoon! I’m Knockout, the Chief Medical Officer of the Red Star System. My job is to make sure that the host’s body is well taken care of. Everything from reminding Shane to eat, to administering medication, to checking blood sugar is my responsibility. I’m often at the front whenever Shane experiences some form of medical issue. Or, when he goes to see a human doctor. I often help him cope with medical anxiety whenever it rears its ugly head. Please note that, due to my job as a medic back home, that I may not respond to questions or comments right away. And please don’t ask me for medical advice. I may be the Chief Medical Officer here, but that doesn’t mean I know everything about human biology.

Heyya! I’m Breakdown! I’m kinda like a nurse, which is also what I am back home! I help Knockout with medical stuff in the field, and I help take care of Shane! I also double as a Security Officer. Ya know, making sure that our little guy’s safe and sound! I usually come out whenever there’s a physical problem that needs solving; like figuring out the safest place to park his chair. It doesn’t sound like much, but I promise you that it’s important work! Like Knockout, I might be busy with other things, so I might not answer right away.

Greetings. I am Starscream, the Commander– though Shane insists that rank and duty are two separate things here. Regardless, my job is to ensure our host’s physical safety, as well as maintain his psychological security. I am often at the front whenever he is under extreme stress, and needs to be removed from the situation. I am a boundary enforcer; I make sure that certain lines are not crossed. I suggest you tread carefully, unless you wish to face my wrath.

Hi there! I’m Nanaki, and I’m one of the system’s Councilors! My job is to help Shane through some psychological issues. I don’t counsel him in regards to severe problems, like his depression spikes, but I can help him with his anxiety. I can also be a listening ear if he needs to vent. Please remember that I’m considered a minor in human culture, so please don’t mention anything adult whenever I’m at the front, okay?

Name’s Cloud. I’m a Security Officer– which means that I protect Shane from anything, or anyone, that might hurt him. I’m always on the clock, so if anyone tries anything, you’ll have to deal with me.

Hola! My name is Miguel O’Hara, and I’m the system’s head Security Officer. I usually front whenever Shane feels threatened by someone/something. Or, if he’s experiencing acute distress. If anyone gets particularly outta line, it’s my job to make sure they get back in line. Because I’m my universe’s Spider-Man, and a protector of the multiverse, I might not be around all that much. However, I’ll try to respond, or post, whenever I have the time.

Sup? I'm Hawks, better known as Keigo in some circles on here. My job is to protect Shane from any perceived danger-- a Security Officer, if you will. As long as you're chill, I'm chill. Kay? I might be unavailable at times due to hero work, but rest assured: I'll post and answer any asks you send as soon as I get the chance!

Hey. My name is Kai Chisaki, also known as Overhaul. I don't really go by that anymore; it leaves a bad taste in my mouth whenever I hear it. I'm a Medical Officer I guess-- that's still up for debate though. I'm not always busy, so I'll be around more than most of the people here.

DNI IF YOU ARE:

Anti-Endo

A transphobe, TERF, Homophobe, etc.

A Pedophile/MAP.

A Zoophile.

An ableist.

Anti-Otherkin.

Anti-Fictionkin.

We hope to see you folks around some time soon! Thank you for taking the time to read all of this! We appreciate it!