#(thirty three years ago)
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#family death tw#i haveā still on my phoneā a voicemail that my mother left me in 2009ā after her mastectomy#she never got over the habit from the nokia days of feeling like she needed to shout on a cell phone#(you could hear her convos from three rooms away. you know the type.)#and there's a scratch in how she talksā presumably from a sore throat post-op#but she makes her voice light. 'it's MOM. i'm FINE. everyTHING WENT WELL.'#reassuring meā her teenager daughter living 4000 miles away#i'm in my thirties now#and one year ago today my mother stopped me after breakfast and said 'elizabeth i don't feel so well'#and died before lunch#i can try to tell you what i've learned this year: that you adjust to a new normal and then have to keep adjusting#how you spend a good chunk of your adult life being a caretaker and then have nothing to do with your hands#or how you never really stop mentally flagging things that you'd think they'd find interesting#or how strange it is to look at some family pictures and be the only living person in them#but mostly i'm so grateful i have that voicemail.#it's become one of the most precious things in the world to me.#'i'm feeLING PRETTY GOOD. quiT WORRYING. i'll be trying to call you laTER. LOVE YOU. BYE.'
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Why are you tagging posts with dates from last year? Did you queue them last year?
ā¦ I did.
#Posting gives me apprehension. It's the anxiety of being perceivedā¦#That's why even in the rare occasions I'm making a post to be posted immediately I usually still schedule it to like. Ten or fifteen orā#thirty minutes later#Just so that I donāt have to hit post lol#But yeah I usually simply draft posts and once in a while go dig down for posts from one year ago or so.#Ask me how long does it take me to dive through my ~17 800 drafts of posts (a lot) (90% of them are reblogs of course)#Thereās also the fact that I want to reread the posts Iāve made some time after Iāve made themā#so that my brain is rewinded enough to notice any typos#(sometimes I end up rewriting the posts from scratch though so it doesnāt always work.#Other times Iāve reread the posts so many times Iāve memorized the sentences in them and will not notice typos because of that.)#Also sometimes Iām like āsomething something Akutagawa's bandaidsā#or āsomething something compilation of Akutagawa looking at Atsushi in official artā#which is something I donāt have time to do on the moment and will leave for later#(and occasionally it happens I will never get to it at all. You have no idea how many posts in my queue are just like#āanalysis on []ā ācompilation of []ā ā[edit concept]ā dating as far back as three years ago#which I *should* get to elaborate eventually but ehā¦ Not right now I suppose#On that there' literally a valley of at least 200 discarded posts in my queue āI will get to eventuallyā#And that's on top of the my original posts that don't make it past the drafts.#Mostly random and spontaneous thoughts that lose value after a day#I'm my own filter lol#people asks me stuff#It's also important to keep track of the date because there's takes I've completely moved on fromā#but that I still find it relevant to be posted
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I think I'm gonna try learning how to drive again, but I'm very anxious about it
#my dad is an excellent driver but he hates driving bc he thinks everyone else on the road is an idiot asshole#my mom is a very anxious driver and didnt learn until she was in her thirties#i want to try to get my license before i turn 30#bc not having a license has been severely limiting my life#i had my learners permit three years ago and i was like. im gonna learn. but then i drove on the actual road before i felt ready#and never drove again after that lol#and idk i work a $14/hr job bc i dont have any other opportunities within walking distance of my home#and if i want to go down a different career path ill need to drive - both to expand job opportunities and as part of the job requirements#and. ugh i wish i lived somewhere with public transportation so i wouldnt have to drive#but i dont and i think im stuck here for the foreseeable future. so i just gotta start learning again and this time stick with it
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Iām still holding grudges about things extended family members did twenty five years ago.
#actually Iām still holding a grudge for something one family member did thirty years ago#because they voiced their opinion that my at the time baby sibling should be taken off the ventilator that was helping them breathe#to let them die#so yeah fuck that person#I was still expecting to smile and be nice to this person at family gatherings#when they thought my sibling should have died#fuck that#anyways I hate like 99% of my extended family#I have a second cousin whoās an asexual trans guy in a polycule with three other people and heās cool#but everyone else can stay far away from me#a have an aunt who is very nice but still thinks she can cure my anxiety by getting me out of the house more
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when will they invent a bow rosin thats good for you to eat
#.txt#i played strings for three years and my moms electric guitar reeks of bow rosin despite her having bought it off a music teacher#minimum thirty five years ago. idk why that shit still reeks but thank fucking god it does#anyway. gods strongest soldiers etc.#i spent three years Not chomping the werthers originals that smelled so so good#and what do i get for it.#nothing.
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Granted this is something that's bittersweet if that, but I still found it kinda touching the way my dad found out about the election results-- he had been trying to avoid updates since he knew it'd just stress him out more, so he had been looking up how to be a supportive parent to a trans child since my sister finally came out to him.
Like, it really sucks he had to find out that way, but I'm glad my sister felt comfortable enough to come out to him, and while I knew he'd be the more supportive parent I still just... I dunno, I find it very sweet he's willing to put it that extra effort, if that makes sense.
#my mind is an odd place#meanwhile our mom is. i do think she's trying.#but it's very clear she wants to ignore the fact that I'm queer as much as possible and still seems to hope my sis'll detransition#it's like dude she's been on hrt for coming up on three years#and I know she only came out to you recently but she started examining her gender like over a decade ago#and confirmed her being a woman to me like eight years ago#anyway enough bitching about that this was meant to be a post about how I appreciate how my dad approaches having queer kids#and yes said kids are almost both in their thirties but still!#anyway I am still very exhausted and finally forced myself to eat so I gotta try to sleep
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i'm still thinking about the conversation i witnessed last night :/
#didn't weigh in when it was happening because Brain and just witnessing it was enough to trigger Fear:tm: and fight/flight#lots of complicated feelings about it#all bad feelings#but just. sometimes you witness things that just annihilate your opinions of someone so fast#and i just. don't want to see or talk to her again.#which is a problem because she's tried to initiate a weird romance-flirtation thing over the course of three years.#which i initially reciprocated then gently started to discourage#(she was like ''no romance between us i don't want to do anything long distance'' proceeds to ask me to fly up to see her.#offers to pay for flights and have me stay with her. asks me out on a date (that i didn't know was a date until she kissed me)??)#and ahhhhh. i can't tell if it's still me coming down from it or if i genuinely feel Legitimately Unsafe or just. ableism-linked discomfort#like. i don't think she'd hurt me. maybe. but i also know that she will not examine why she has isolated and harmed two of her friends.#but this has also completely put into doubt the idea of her *not* causing harm? so i don't know anymore#she also said that one of the most harmful recent representations of my disorder was ''humanising'' :///#(which was immediately preceded by her calling it infantilising. :) )#and then did not listen when it was called out as Active Harm#and then! tried to compare it to a fucking kids film from thirty years ago! about capacity for influence!#and it's just. i'm so fucking tired of trying to correct her#because i am aware that i have a little more influence over her opinions because she has said that she wants me to think well of her#and i have witnessed it with her backtracking hard on things i've criticised even if she's just been supporting whatever was there#and like. i don't want to talk to her anymore. that's a solid thing. i just don't. but i don't want to not explain why?#because that doesn't allow capacity for change and growth and i don't think it's productive#for me at least? i'd prefer for her to know why#but also. she's a significant presence in our social circle and her brother is too#and i don't want to isolate him because he's great and i love him#but. how do you deal with that???#i don't even know.#i keep circling around it.
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thinking abt the blorbos but they arenāt even rotating. theyāre just sitting there and itās very intense
#mark is just. ''so uh.''#he kinda. fidgets with the hem of his jacket. brings his fingers up to his mouth to chew his nails but catches himself and fiddles with his#crucifix instead. his heart's still hammering in his chest and there's some exhaustion coming on now#cesar uh. cesar's sitting unnaturally still (naturally) and watching mark's mannerisms. neither of them uh. they don't know what to say#I mean. what CAN you say#when faced with the perfect image of your dead best friend. exactly as you remember him all those years ago.#when faced with the one who accidentally made you human. and then killed you. and now you're back.#oh god. he's back.#and Adam. oh don't#don't get me started on Adam#he's been staring at the mirror since three thirty am and it's SIX now#his knuckles are bloody but he. doesn't remember punching it#the shadows behind him are almost swimming. they're calling him and he swallows his nausea#the mirror is cracked and it drips but not with blood#''morning sleepy h- what the fuck.'' that's Jonah. of course it's Jonah. it's always fucking Jonah.#Adam blinks and the mirror's fine and Jonah's fine and no one's eyes are glazed over in death. itās fine really lol#and they're still just. sitting there#y'know how it is. the blorbos. lol#htb AU#hail true body au
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Going insane about time travel stories again.
#chit chat#thinking about carbonite...#thinking about getting trapped in carbonite for 30 years. you had a son at home. now he's older than you#your wife has a new husband. everyone thought you were dead#you are the same person you were 30 years ago. everyone else has changed#even if they want you back in the family everything is strange and difficult#you are twenty four. you are still prone to whimsy and not entirely sure who you are#your darling wife. love of your life. she is fifty three#she knows exactly who she is. she is entirely different than who you knew#of course she is! she's been living her life for thirty years! she lost a husband! she raised a child!#the grief the grief the grief the grief#you mourn what you've lost. you celebrate what you still have. nothing will ever be the same#aaaaaaaah#im going insane
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[Start ID. A green-toned drawing of two characters from an original universe, shown from the shoulders up. It's framed as though they're taking a selfie. On the left is Heathrow, a human with dark skin, long hair, a good number of facial scars, and two painted lines below each eye. He wears something akin to a green hoodie, with fluffy plant matter sewn into the back of the hood. On the right is Crassie, a half elf, which in this universe entails long pointed ears, a pair of short pale horns, a slightly rabbit-like nose and markings under her eyes. Her skin is olive-toned, sporting a couple distinct scars on her face and hand, and she's wearing what is essentially a bush and spiked glovelets. Both of them are smiling, Crassie a little bit wide-eyed and Heathrow with a fond expression. The background's a saturated green with the text "1 YEAR!". End ID]
A redraw-in-spirit of the post from last year's Feb 16 that introduced these two to my blog. It's their birthday :]
#peridots-art#heathrow chtn#crassie chtn#chtn#eye contact#peridots-ocs#i've only posted about them three times including this and every single time i manage to go 'hey did you know heath was originally meant as#a stand-in for the hunter from hk? i thought that was neat :)' so. obligatory mention of that i guess#because of their shifting nature i could never pin down the days they/their universe were created but i love an excuse to get emotional#about birthdays/anniversaries and such. so today it is then (it just turned midnight 17th in my timezone... it's the thought that counts)#this is also the first non-fullbody I've posted on Tumblr in a Really long time?? like there's the dragon from nov 5 and daud from oct 26.#looking past that i guess there were quite a few okay but three and a half months is a lot when you draw as much as i#anyway. these guys.#had a little more to say about them but i scrapped it. they're both very ace and aro and while i respect aroaces who don't want Any sort of#intimate relationship (platonic or otherwise!) they are about as far as you can get from it. a qpr sounds appropriate#the nature of their relationship defies description. friends and a little like siblings. life partners? a little like father and daughter.#they've only ever known each other. i may not think about them so often but man do i love them.#for the most part accidental but this was definitely inspired by miecz's art :] the linework was surprisingly fun to do#wasn't gonna address kit directly seeing as i don't know if it always reads these? but if you are your tags were very kind!!#i don't know anyone else who's as lengthy with it as i but i like talking in the tags! so. i'm glad they're appreciated :]#that isn't all i have to say on the subject (i'm never used to people being nice to me) but i'll save it for somewhere it will def. be seen#...idk how to describe their clothing. i designed his a year ago and hers more than that do you think they're supposed to make sense#there were a Lot of particularities with the id that made it. hard to write. this is better than nothing of course but don't know if it's#the most efficient. with that hour-to-thirty-minutes of my day over with (I AM TALKING ABOUT THE IMAGE DESCRIPTION MY ART TAKES 6 HOURS AT#ABSOLUTE BEST apologies for the screaming) i can officially say goodnight to you tag-wanderer and farewell#peridots-described
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It's so fucking stupid I've gone from dreading back to school sales time even twelve years after leaving school because the trauma of it is still raw, to now having baby fever because I want to go back to school shopping with a little one in the future
#'but arctic for like the last ten years you've been saying you're child frā' YES YES I KNOW I'M A TRAITOR TO THE MOVEMENT#fuck#i said if it was gonna happen it was gonna happen in my thirties and guess who turned thirty three months ago#so not in a place to do it right now tho
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also! i showed my mom fade to black and she actually liked it.
#desperately in the process of trying to get my mother back into metal specifically because i want someone i can ramble about it to#i've mentioned this before - she used to listen to metal when she was like seventeen. which is thirty three years ago#she currently dislikes most metal (she prefers rock now)ā but i will change that i swear. i need her to listen intently when i talk#about metal.#she liked fade to black as it is rather softer than most the metal i usually listen to. this is the second metal song i've shown her that#she's actually enjoyed! which is progressā i suppose.#the other one was this means war by A7X.#she used to really like metallicaā so im not surprised she enjoyed this one.#šrambling
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Ranko was 36, she was in no way pushing forty.
"the homoeroticism between middle aged women" in comments... they were not middle aged!! please let homoerotic middle aged women actually get their flowers, let them actually have signs of aging, don't pretend 36 year olds count! Hopefully everyone's grown up some since 2018 and knows this by now.
you dont understand akiba maid war was good but as soon as they had zoya, a russian assassin, tell ranko that she thought she couldnāt be a maid because she was too tough and not cute like she wished she was, and then for ranko to tell her that anyone can be a maid as long as they dedicate themselves to it, and zoya realizes that ranko, who is also a tough battle hardened woman pushing 40 IS a cute maid, and ranko tells zoya that she thinks sheās cute too, and they have this conversation WHILE FISTFIGHTING in an underground maid fight club. i realized this show got me in a way no other show ever will
#i was going through the tag because i just rewatched it and it's still so good#please. the maids saying 'you're like forty' was supposed to be a sign they're jerks. we cannot buy into the propoganda#this was definitely posted a long time ago but Ranko is me in three years so i gotta. i gotta say this.#akiba maid war#and nobody said that in the tags for some reason#you start pushing 40 at 38 at the earliest#this is like saying 16 is pushing 20#amw's commentary hinges on the fact women in their thirties are treated as ancient in anime. and life. she's not even middle aged yet.#that's the absurdity
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The urge to finally read the lotr/hobbit has been hitting me again. And I keep having to remind myself of my lack of capability to read dense fantasy and also my lack of free time to read it in a reasonable amt of time to retain any of said dense fantasy lore.
#letās be clear. I really wanna#and if I had the ability to watch movies. I would be contemplating watching them first more#but genuinely like. Iāve failed to finish reading the hobbit like. three times#I think the first/second time I got as close as the dragon stuff at the end??#anyways idk maybe in the latter half of the year I can. life willing (aka. if life goes the way Iām hoping)#but. rn ima stick to my manga and comics and majority rereading things I think#and I like that#I have been slowly rereading the Percy Jackson series for the second time#in prep to read the heroes of Olympus series. that Iāve been told is super good but that I know nothing about#(doing the reread bc itās been like. four years and I genuinely donāt remember the plots)#I also have a goal to finish Lockwood and co this year#I have the first two books in the long earth series too#which I wouldnāt call like. super easy reading or anything. itās sci fi. but#Iāve read the first two like. five/six years ago from the library. but then Covid hit yadda yadda#now Iāve been buying them so hyped to do that#anyways random book talking sorry. Ima go finish the last like. thirty pages of collision course
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actually I'm going to loudly announce that I'm going to pack the greenhouse tent I got for my chillies that since those were murdered I mean they died of totally natural causes and that they weren't deliberately sabotaged in any way, I don't have a need for it for the time being, and so it's going under the house. and when the screaming match begins of 'I need that!' I will simply say 'well it's mine. I control what I do with it' which will get me into serious shit but hey when am I not
#and for what do you need that specific one? why can't you ask where we got it and ask for us to buy you one?#or is it because I've been rather successful at keeping them alive this time with the help of the tent.#which I didn't want to have to buy but since my previous techniques were also sabotaged I kinda had to.#that you felt the need to kill them.#because it's really fucking obvious that three of the four pegs being removed and put neatly aside without telling me who was obviously#the one using it was deliberate and so was the removal of the tent the second time. because oh? it's been sitting there for several days#with nothing done to it? but the second it drops to -4ā it's gone? I wonder why#I genuinely was keeping them alive this time. I'm not just trying to cope with the fact that 'chillies only survive one season'#which y'know that's what I keep getting told. then why does she keep deliberately killing them because it IS deliberately done#then again what do I expect for someone who got pissed off that we told her that using a choke collar on the puppy was a bad idea#what she learnt thirty years ago was correct and will never change!
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šš®āšØš«”
#just rad a fuckkng post from two years ago and yessss bitch you were being dramatic#looking back and cringing at past behavior has been my favorite part of growing older#iām cryinf#I validate some of my feelings but jeeeezus like#I def give my friends waaay more space and low effort relationships#we still see each other but weāre busy and like duh#it was from two yrs ago but wow itās nice to have grown since then#I have a therapy appointment Tuesday so that will be nice to talk about#approaching thirty and excited to be out of my twenties#also that fucking mars Saturn conj kicked my fucking assssss#I doubled down in two instances when I should not have in a public setting dealing with medical stuff#ultimately I shouldnāt have blown up#but omfg the petsmart near my house has been breaking the law selling me rx food for three months bc my card has been expired for that long#anyway Iāve been humbled by looking back on behavior that was so recent#like def not my best days š#also my partner moving my shit and my insurance card getting shredded was fffff#like man I tell u not to do that on purpose for a reason#anyway Iām really annoyed#but not really lol#impulsive behavior is my undoing#12hfallmars maybe but maybe mental illness lol#weāll see#im having to reevaluate what Iāve been doing that I thought was for my health
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