#(thirty three years ago)
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Why are you tagging posts with dates from last year? Did you queue them last year?
… I did.
#Posting gives me apprehension. It's the anxiety of being perceived…#That's why even in the rare occasions I'm making a post to be posted immediately I usually still schedule it to like. Ten or fifteen or–#thirty minutes later#Just so that I don’t have to hit post lol#But yeah I usually simply draft posts and once in a while go dig down for posts from one year ago or so.#Ask me how long does it take me to dive through my ~17 800 drafts of posts (a lot) (90% of them are reblogs of course)#There’s also the fact that I want to reread the posts I’ve made some time after I’ve made them–#so that my brain is rewinded enough to notice any typos#(sometimes I end up rewriting the posts from scratch though so it doesn’t always work.#Other times I’ve reread the posts so many times I’ve memorized the sentences in them and will not notice typos because of that.)#Also sometimes I’m like “something something Akutagawa's bandaids”#or “something something compilation of Akutagawa looking at Atsushi in official art”#which is something I don’t have time to do on the moment and will leave for later#(and occasionally it happens I will never get to it at all. You have no idea how many posts in my queue are just like#“analysis on []” “compilation of []” “[edit concept]” dating as far back as three years ago#which I *should* get to elaborate eventually but eh… Not right now I suppose#On that there' literally a valley of at least 200 discarded posts in my queue “I will get to eventually”#And that's on top of the my original posts that don't make it past the drafts.#Mostly random and spontaneous thoughts that lose value after a day#I'm my own filter lol#people asks me stuff#It's also important to keep track of the date because there's takes I've completely moved on from–#but that I still find it relevant to be posted
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I think I'm gonna try learning how to drive again, but I'm very anxious about it
#my dad is an excellent driver but he hates driving bc he thinks everyone else on the road is an idiot asshole#my mom is a very anxious driver and didnt learn until she was in her thirties#i want to try to get my license before i turn 30#bc not having a license has been severely limiting my life#i had my learners permit three years ago and i was like. im gonna learn. but then i drove on the actual road before i felt ready#and never drove again after that lol#and idk i work a $14/hr job bc i dont have any other opportunities within walking distance of my home#and if i want to go down a different career path ill need to drive - both to expand job opportunities and as part of the job requirements#and. ugh i wish i lived somewhere with public transportation so i wouldnt have to drive#but i dont and i think im stuck here for the foreseeable future. so i just gotta start learning again and this time stick with it
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I’m still holding grudges about things extended family members did twenty five years ago.
#actually I’m still holding a grudge for something one family member did thirty years ago#because they voiced their opinion that my at the time baby sibling should be taken off the ventilator that was helping them breathe#to let them die#so yeah fuck that person#I was still expecting to smile and be nice to this person at family gatherings#when they thought my sibling should have died#fuck that#anyways I hate like 99% of my extended family#I have a second cousin who’s an asexual trans guy in a polycule with three other people and he’s cool#but everyone else can stay far away from me#a have an aunt who is very nice but still thinks she can cure my anxiety by getting me out of the house more
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when will they invent a bow rosin thats good for you to eat
#.txt#i played strings for three years and my moms electric guitar reeks of bow rosin despite her having bought it off a music teacher#minimum thirty five years ago. idk why that shit still reeks but thank fucking god it does#anyway. gods strongest soldiers etc.#i spent three years Not chomping the werthers originals that smelled so so good#and what do i get for it.#nothing.
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Granted this is something that's bittersweet if that, but I still found it kinda touching the way my dad found out about the election results-- he had been trying to avoid updates since he knew it'd just stress him out more, so he had been looking up how to be a supportive parent to a trans child since my sister finally came out to him.
Like, it really sucks he had to find out that way, but I'm glad my sister felt comfortable enough to come out to him, and while I knew he'd be the more supportive parent I still just... I dunno, I find it very sweet he's willing to put it that extra effort, if that makes sense.
#my mind is an odd place#meanwhile our mom is. i do think she's trying.#but it's very clear she wants to ignore the fact that I'm queer as much as possible and still seems to hope my sis'll detransition#it's like dude she's been on hrt for coming up on three years#and I know she only came out to you recently but she started examining her gender like over a decade ago#and confirmed her being a woman to me like eight years ago#anyway enough bitching about that this was meant to be a post about how I appreciate how my dad approaches having queer kids#and yes said kids are almost both in their thirties but still!#anyway I am still very exhausted and finally forced myself to eat so I gotta try to sleep
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Deercember Day Fourteen: Barasingha Deer | Wild Strawberries
The barasingha (Rucervus duvaucelii), sometimes barasinghe, also known as the swamp deer, is a species distributed in the Indian subcontinent. Populations in northern and central India are fragmented, and two isolated populations occur in southwestern Nepal. It has been extirpated in Pakistan and Bangladesh, and its presence is uncertain in Bhutan. The scientific binomial name commemorates the French naturalist Alfred Duvaucel. The swamp deer differs from all other Indian deer species in that the antlers carry more than three tines. Because of this distinctive characteristic, it is designated bārah-singgā, meaning "twelve-horned" in Hindi. Mature stags usually have ten to fourteen tines, and some have been known to have up to twenty. In central India, the herds number on average about eight to twenty individuals, with large herds of up to sixty, comprised of twice as many females as males. During the rut, they form large herds of adults. The breeding season lasts from September to April, and the single-calf births occur after a gestation of 240 – 250 days from August to November, with the peak in September and October in Kanha National Park. Compared to other deer species, barasingha are more relaxed when it comes to guarding. They have fewer sentries and they spend most of their time grazing, unlike deer species like chital or sambar. More information here.
Reference: Deer and Background.
#week two complete!#absolute record time on this bad boy with a total editing time of one hour and thirty-three minutes#100% texture brushes aside from the deer who is a watercolour brush on top of an ink brush base#still only semi-feeling it today‚ so decided to go quick and dirty with a semi-watercolour semi-something-else vibe#the fancy colours were a happy colour-picking accident that I went with#despite my lack of muse‚ barasingha are one of my favourites‚ and my OOC was actually based on one prior to being a unicorn‚ many years ago#I think this is the earliest I've finished so far and I'm so excited to get some gosh darn sleep at a potentially even decent hour#Deercember#realHum#Art#Drawing#deer#deer art#barasingha#barasinghe#swamp deer#Rucervus duvaucelii
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I took off work today. I thought it might help my mood but I've only felt guilty. I'm feeling kind of down, not because of work, but a combination of returning there full time, the monotony of it all, my brother ill at home, I read this fic yesterday where the main character's watch got stuck as a symbolism for his life growing stagnant, and it really rubbed that old wound I'd thought I'd healed. I'm thirty one now, I didn't think I would still feel this way. And for a long time, I didn't. This year particularly had been going really well. But tragedy struck and I'm sitting here with an ache in my chest feeling pity for myself. If I could drink, today would have been a good day to.
#man#I'll probably feel better tomorrow after work sucks all my emergy away#I was watching old videos on my phone from a few years ago and I look five years younger there#the last three months have been tough#I look like I gained five years in just these few months#and that too depresses me#I didn't really care much about turning thirty because I didn't look like it#I do now#the dark circles don't help#I should go to the dermatologist also#I've been stress snacking and it shows#my skin is sensitive#one whitehead per sweet#damn#I've let myself go a bit#now that I'm returning to work full time I will use the chance to shape up#pick up sports again#and hobbies#but thinking aboit it makes me want to cry#I just want to curl into a ball and hug my cats#alas there are bills to pay and friendships to maintain#got to drag my sorry ass outside#and resume life#what other choice#do I have#this is my most depressing rant on here#this is what this account is for#screaming to the void#personal#rant
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i'm still thinking about the conversation i witnessed last night :/
#didn't weigh in when it was happening because Brain and just witnessing it was enough to trigger Fear:tm: and fight/flight#lots of complicated feelings about it#all bad feelings#but just. sometimes you witness things that just annihilate your opinions of someone so fast#and i just. don't want to see or talk to her again.#which is a problem because she's tried to initiate a weird romance-flirtation thing over the course of three years.#which i initially reciprocated then gently started to discourage#(she was like ''no romance between us i don't want to do anything long distance'' proceeds to ask me to fly up to see her.#offers to pay for flights and have me stay with her. asks me out on a date (that i didn't know was a date until she kissed me)??)#and ahhhhh. i can't tell if it's still me coming down from it or if i genuinely feel Legitimately Unsafe or just. ableism-linked discomfort#like. i don't think she'd hurt me. maybe. but i also know that she will not examine why she has isolated and harmed two of her friends.#but this has also completely put into doubt the idea of her *not* causing harm? so i don't know anymore#she also said that one of the most harmful recent representations of my disorder was ''humanising'' :///#(which was immediately preceded by her calling it infantilising. :) )#and then did not listen when it was called out as Active Harm#and then! tried to compare it to a fucking kids film from thirty years ago! about capacity for influence!#and it's just. i'm so fucking tired of trying to correct her#because i am aware that i have a little more influence over her opinions because she has said that she wants me to think well of her#and i have witnessed it with her backtracking hard on things i've criticised even if she's just been supporting whatever was there#and like. i don't want to talk to her anymore. that's a solid thing. i just don't. but i don't want to not explain why?#because that doesn't allow capacity for change and growth and i don't think it's productive#for me at least? i'd prefer for her to know why#but also. she's a significant presence in our social circle and her brother is too#and i don't want to isolate him because he's great and i love him#but. how do you deal with that???#i don't even know.#i keep circling around it.
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thinking abt the blorbos but they aren’t even rotating. they’re just sitting there and it’s very intense
#mark is just. ''so uh.''#he kinda. fidgets with the hem of his jacket. brings his fingers up to his mouth to chew his nails but catches himself and fiddles with his#crucifix instead. his heart's still hammering in his chest and there's some exhaustion coming on now#cesar uh. cesar's sitting unnaturally still (naturally) and watching mark's mannerisms. neither of them uh. they don't know what to say#I mean. what CAN you say#when faced with the perfect image of your dead best friend. exactly as you remember him all those years ago.#when faced with the one who accidentally made you human. and then killed you. and now you're back.#oh god. he's back.#and Adam. oh don't#don't get me started on Adam#he's been staring at the mirror since three thirty am and it's SIX now#his knuckles are bloody but he. doesn't remember punching it#the shadows behind him are almost swimming. they're calling him and he swallows his nausea#the mirror is cracked and it drips but not with blood#''morning sleepy h- what the fuck.'' that's Jonah. of course it's Jonah. it's always fucking Jonah.#Adam blinks and the mirror's fine and Jonah's fine and no one's eyes are glazed over in death. it’s fine really lol#and they're still just. sitting there#y'know how it is. the blorbos. lol#htb AU#hail true body au
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Going insane about time travel stories again.
#chit chat#thinking about carbonite...#thinking about getting trapped in carbonite for 30 years. you had a son at home. now he's older than you#your wife has a new husband. everyone thought you were dead#you are the same person you were 30 years ago. everyone else has changed#even if they want you back in the family everything is strange and difficult#you are twenty four. you are still prone to whimsy and not entirely sure who you are#your darling wife. love of your life. she is fifty three#she knows exactly who she is. she is entirely different than who you knew#of course she is! she's been living her life for thirty years! she lost a husband! she raised a child!#the grief the grief the grief the grief#you mourn what you've lost. you celebrate what you still have. nothing will ever be the same#aaaaaaaah#im going insane
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It's so fucking stupid I've gone from dreading back to school sales time even twelve years after leaving school because the trauma of it is still raw, to now having baby fever because I want to go back to school shopping with a little one in the future
#'but arctic for like the last ten years you've been saying you're child fr–' YES YES I KNOW I'M A TRAITOR TO THE MOVEMENT#fuck#i said if it was gonna happen it was gonna happen in my thirties and guess who turned thirty three months ago#so not in a place to do it right now tho
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but she does care. she cares and her usual internal dissent feels even louder now that she’s going up against son and not fatherhusband (the role is one and the same, as far as mary is concerned. fathersamuel passed her off to husbandjohn at the altar. transferred ownership. handed him the leash and the collar and the white picket fence to keep her locked in)
thoughts on mary and filling a role
#maryposting#i just wrote this for my marytoni fic and i’m. eating it. yummy. it tastes sooooo good#in case it’s not clear this is about mary and filling mother role to dean’s son role while he still wields all the control bc Man#mary playing her usual roles even though she doesn’t recognize the stage she’s on anymore#zo.txt#mary expected to keep going even though she is 29 today and 28 thirty three years ago
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also! i showed my mom fade to black and she actually liked it.
#desperately in the process of trying to get my mother back into metal specifically because i want someone i can ramble about it to#i've mentioned this before - she used to listen to metal when she was like seventeen. which is thirty three years ago#she currently dislikes most metal (she prefers rock now)‚ but i will change that i swear. i need her to listen intently when i talk#about metal.#she liked fade to black as it is rather softer than most the metal i usually listen to. this is the second metal song i've shown her that#she's actually enjoyed! which is progress‚ i suppose.#the other one was this means war by A7X.#she used to really like metallica‚ so im not surprised she enjoyed this one.#🌙rambling
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Ranko was 36, she was in no way pushing forty.
"the homoeroticism between middle aged women" in comments... they were not middle aged!! please let homoerotic middle aged women actually get their flowers, let them actually have signs of aging, don't pretend 36 year olds count! Hopefully everyone's grown up some since 2018 and knows this by now.
you dont understand akiba maid war was good but as soon as they had zoya, a russian assassin, tell ranko that she thought she couldn’t be a maid because she was too tough and not cute like she wished she was, and then for ranko to tell her that anyone can be a maid as long as they dedicate themselves to it, and zoya realizes that ranko, who is also a tough battle hardened woman pushing 40 IS a cute maid, and ranko tells zoya that she thinks she’s cute too, and they have this conversation WHILE FISTFIGHTING in an underground maid fight club. i realized this show got me in a way no other show ever will
#i was going through the tag because i just rewatched it and it's still so good#please. the maids saying 'you're like forty' was supposed to be a sign they're jerks. we cannot buy into the propoganda#this was definitely posted a long time ago but Ranko is me in three years so i gotta. i gotta say this.#akiba maid war#and nobody said that in the tags for some reason#you start pushing 40 at 38 at the earliest#this is like saying 16 is pushing 20#amw's commentary hinges on the fact women in their thirties are treated as ancient in anime. and life. she's not even middle aged yet.#that's the absurdity
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actually I'm going to loudly announce that I'm going to pack the greenhouse tent I got for my chillies that since those were murdered I mean they died of totally natural causes and that they weren't deliberately sabotaged in any way, I don't have a need for it for the time being, and so it's going under the house. and when the screaming match begins of 'I need that!' I will simply say 'well it's mine. I control what I do with it' which will get me into serious shit but hey when am I not
#and for what do you need that specific one? why can't you ask where we got it and ask for us to buy you one?#or is it because I've been rather successful at keeping them alive this time with the help of the tent.#which I didn't want to have to buy but since my previous techniques were also sabotaged I kinda had to.#that you felt the need to kill them.#because it's really fucking obvious that three of the four pegs being removed and put neatly aside without telling me who was obviously#the one using it was deliberate and so was the removal of the tent the second time. because oh? it's been sitting there for several days#with nothing done to it? but the second it drops to -4℃ it's gone? I wonder why#I genuinely was keeping them alive this time. I'm not just trying to cope with the fact that 'chillies only survive one season'#which y'know that's what I keep getting told. then why does she keep deliberately killing them because it IS deliberately done#then again what do I expect for someone who got pissed off that we told her that using a choke collar on the puppy was a bad idea#what she learnt thirty years ago was correct and will never change!
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😭😮💨🫡
#just rad a fuckkng post from two years ago and yessss bitch you were being dramatic#looking back and cringing at past behavior has been my favorite part of growing older#i’m cryinf#I validate some of my feelings but jeeeezus like#I def give my friends waaay more space and low effort relationships#we still see each other but we’re busy and like duh#it was from two yrs ago but wow it’s nice to have grown since then#I have a therapy appointment Tuesday so that will be nice to talk about#approaching thirty and excited to be out of my twenties#also that fucking mars Saturn conj kicked my fucking assssss#I doubled down in two instances when I should not have in a public setting dealing with medical stuff#ultimately I shouldn’t have blown up#but omfg the petsmart near my house has been breaking the law selling me rx food for three months bc my card has been expired for that long#anyway I’ve been humbled by looking back on behavior that was so recent#like def not my best days 😭#also my partner moving my shit and my insurance card getting shredded was fffff#like man I tell u not to do that on purpose for a reason#anyway I’m really annoyed#but not really lol#impulsive behavior is my undoing#12hfallmars maybe but maybe mental illness lol#we’ll see#im having to reevaluate what I’ve been doing that I thought was for my health
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