#(there’s a scene in the story that i���ll have to write later where he will actually be cancelled LMFAOOAOA)

[yeowangies]

Close Encounter

Chapter l | Chapter ll: Human Emotions | Chapter lll | Chapter lV | Chapter V

❧

PAIRING: Raditz/Reader RATING: T CONTENTS: Little Angst (blink and you miss it), Canon Divergence AU, Romance WORDCOUNT: 4855

Summary:

“So you’re telling that guy- the alien I had sex with, kidnapped his nephew? And tried to kill his own brother?”

“Yes!” Bulma yelled, exasperated because you asked that question several times already.

“And you want ME to help you bring him back to health?!”

Notes:

me: I'm just gonna write a sequel chapter, nothing too complicated me, over 15k words later: goddamnit

So yeah, there's three more chapter after this. I already wrote 90% of the whole story, so I'll update every two or three days.

I read Raditz' scenes in the manga like ten times, trying to somehow analyze his character, even if he is in the story for two minutes. I TRIED to not be a little ooc with him but then again, we never see him outside a battle context so... I tried my best.

I didn't go into detail about Raditz's fight with Goku and Piccolo, but what I imagined happened is inspired by JsCandyHell's Rademption comic, the first chapter. It's public if you're curious, you can look it up on his twitter account.

Raditz woke up on a bed in a room so bright it seemed surreal. 

The next thing he saw was your face, staring right at him.

“Am I dead…?”

You arched an eyebrow, smiling faintly. 

“You’re not dead. Not for lack of trying.” You replied.

He remembered you. That girl who was there when he got to Earth. That girl he fucked almost as soon as he stepped out of his pod. If he wasn’t dead (he knew he wasn’t meant for heaven or anything, but your face was a pleasant sight that left him bewildered), why were you there? 

The vague smile on your face quickly disappeared, and you walked away from him. He scanned the room quickly; it seemed like some kind of medical bay, similar to the ones at homebase, full of machines and screens that seemed connected to him. The next thing he noticed, or rather, felt, was a pain in his torso. He grunted through gritted teeth, and realized he was bandaged all over his upper body. He recoiled instinctively, only making the pain worse.

“Don’t move too much,” You told him with a surprisingly cold voice. “You’re gonna open your wounds.”

Raditz narrowed his eyes at you, still feeling like he was impaled in the stomach quite literally. Your voice sounded different than the last time he heard it. Albeit it was under very different circumstances, but he didn’t understand why you talked to him that way. He didn’t even understand what you were doing there, or where there even was. 

“I’ll have food brought in, I assume you’re hungry.” You said while pressing some numbers on some kind of panel and holding a tube to your ear. 

He looked at you warily. It’s not like he could do much in the state he was in. If you wanted to kill him or something like that, he supposed he wouldn’t be able to fight back, even if you were a mere human.

While you talked to someone through that tube, ordering things to be brought there, Raditz tried to recall what exactly happened. He obviously remembered you, it was impossible not to. He also remembered taking his brother’s son, his nephew, and subsequently fighting Kakarot and that green guy. Everything after that was blurry. 

He groaned, in pain, and because he remembered that that brat, Kakarot’ son, had destroyed his pod. He was stranded on that miserable planet for all he knew, a planet that had such ancient technology, he knew for sure earthlings had not discovered how to travel in space. 

“Woman,” Raditz called you, and you turned to look at him. “What the fuck is going on?”

“You don’t remember?” You asked him with furrowed brows.

“Where is this place?” He saw your face hardened when he ignored your question, but he went on. “And what are you doing here?”

“I happen to be close with one of your brother’s friends. Remember? The brother you tried to kill?”

There was bitterness in your voice. He understood you were offended by his actions but he didn’t really get why, and he didn’t want to bother thinking about it. 

“For some reason, he wanted you to live despite what you did. So we are helping you heal. Everyone else was too afraid of you, and I already knew you, so I was basically left in charge to look after you.” 

He raised an eyebrow. You had some guts for sure. Though he supposed it was the fact that he was too injured to even try to hurt you. He could still taunt you though.

“Do your friends know what we did then?” Raditz smirked. 

You scowled, the tips of your ears getting red. 

“I would have never done that with you if I had known you were-!” You didn’t finish your sentence, and you turned your back to him. 

“‘Were’ what? If I remember correctly, you enjoyed what we did quite a lot, if your screams were enough proof.” He sneered at you, amused by your reaction. “No point in action so righteous now.”

“Having sex and trying to kill your family is not nearly the same thing.” 

He chuckled, and you turned your face to the side to look at him.

“Do you not see anything wrong in what you did?”

“No,” He replied immediately, the smirk never leaving his lips. “I asked my brother to join us. He said he would rather stay here than help us. He is a disgrace to our race.”

Raditz wouldn’t admit it, but he didn’t want to kill his own brother. Not for any sentimental reason, but simply because he was one of the four Saiyans left. It would not have done any good to reduce the race even more. They still needed him nonetheless, but if he wasn’t going to cooperate then he had no other choice. 

Your eyes were bewildered when he answered. 

“I would have never had sex with you if I knew you were a monster.”

He glared at you. Your words stung. Apparently attraction had a moral stipulation on that planet. 

“You still did it, however.”

It was your turn to glare at him. 

Neither of you spoke until the food arrived. 

*

“So you’re telling that guy- the alien I had sex with, kidnapped his nephew? And tried to kill his own brother?”

“Yes!” Bulma yelled, exasperated because you asked that question several times already.

“And you want ME to help you bring him back to health?!”

“Uh… yes.”

“Why?!”

“I think the answer is obvious.”

You groaned, rubbing your temples. 

“We fucked, we are not married!”

“I know that, but…” Bulma sighed. You knew she understood perfectly well why you were in disbelief of the whole conversation. “The guy is ruthless. And you actually formed some kind of bond with him.”

“I would barely call that a ‘bond’. And I don’t know how much that would matter to him if he attacked his own brother…”

“Well, Goku did ask us to let him live. Before he died.”

You pursed your lips. That Goku guy must have been something else if he forgave his own brother like that, especially after what he did to his son. Bulma told you he could come back to life once they gathered the ‘Dragon Balls’, some magical wish-granting orbs. You believed her because she had told you stories about it before. 

“I think maybe this guy… would soften with you.” Bulma went on. 

“You’re putting too much faith in me.” You sighed and paused, considering it for a moment. “Fine.”

Bulma pumped her fist in the air at your positive answer. 

“I’m staying at Capsule Corp. until he heals.”

“Yeah, about that. He can’t stay here.”

“What?!”

“I mean, he is staying here! But once he is strong enough to move… I don’t want him around.”

“What the fuck are you telling me? That he is gonna have to stay with me in my house?”

“Yes! I’m so glad you understand!” Bulma smiled cheerfully. 

“Bulma, what the fuck?! You just told me this man is violent and you want me to keep him around, at my place?!”

“I’m sorry! It wouldn’t be any different if he stayed here. I mean, Goku died and Piccolo almost killed him, but without Goku, he wouldn’t be able to do much! So we are all doomed if you can’t somehow mellow this guy out.”

“So that’s your brilliant plan? You want me to influence him somehow?”

“Well yeah.”

How the fuck were you gonna do that? Bulma was insane for suggesting such a thing. It’s not like you were some kind of preacher. What would you even say to Raditz that could possibly change his mind about attacking Earth and all that stuff?

For what you knew, the two other aliens, the Saiyans, were already on their way to Earth, and they will arrive in less than a year. There was no way to put that off. What everyone was worried about is Raditz taking revenge on the damage he took while he was trying to recruit his brother, which would be fairly easy, according to what Bulma told you. That Piccolo guy (the same Piccolo Daimao that threatened to conquer the world some years ago, you remembered that event well from the news and again, from what Bulma had told you since she had been a witness of it all)  was strong but he wouldn’t stand a chance against him. 

And the only reason Raditz was alive was because Goku asked them not to kill him. Because he was strong and he wanted to fight him again.

Bulma’s other friends were strange. 

Compassion wasn’t a bad way to go about things, however. You just doubted if it would affect someone who had done what Raditz did. 

It made shivers run up your spine. Yes, you had sex with the man. It was insanely good. Out-of-this-world good. But after learning everything that had happened, you weren’t so sure about how you felt. You didn’t know if you regretted it or not, despite what you had told Raditz when he woke up. You were angry he didn’t seem to show a pinch of remorse. And if you thought about the fact that there was blood on his hands, your stomach would sink. 

You barely talked to him after that day, too angry and confused to twist your arm and show him any kind of emotion. But the ‘plan’ (if one could even call it a plan) Bulma had wasn’t going to end well if you didn’t get along with him. Since he didn’t seem to show any guilt for his actions, you would have to move around it and take a different approach. Somehow. 

“How are you feeling?” You asked Raditz one morning, as soon as you walked into the medical room he was staying in.

He had recovered pretty fast for someone who had a literal hole in his body, and you figured it was the alien genes that helped him heal. 

Raditz narrowed his eyes on you. You hadn’t really asked him anything in the last couple of weeks, he must have been disoriented, you figured. 

“What do you want?” He asked after a moment of silence.

“What?”

“You haven’t spoken to me unless you had to. Why are you asking me how I feel?”

You blinked, confused.

“I genuinely want to know how you are feeling. Your injuries were pretty bad.”

“Is that a human thing? Asking me how I feel?”

You rubbed your temples, feeling put off by his skepticism. 

“I don’t know. Nevermind.” 

You wanted to turn around and walk out, the awkward silence that followed made you feel stupid since it was your idea to start a conversation. You didn’t leave though, taking a seat across the room where you always sat, near the only window in the room. It was so tiny you could barely see Bulma’s garden from there, but it kept you distracted every time you sat there, especially those last few days, when you got tired of reading through some magazines you brought with you to make the time go faster.

“What made you change your mind?” Raditz asked you, and you turned to look at him.

“What?”

“You seemed pretty angry when I said I didn’t regret what I did.” The tone in his voice was even, and he had a blank expression on his face. “So why are you talking to me now?”

“I’m tired of being angry,” You said genuinely. “We should… try to get along.”

“Why?” He squinted at you.

“Well, you are gonna be here for a while, and I’m looking after you so…”

“I don’t understand.” He practically growled. You probably should have been afraid of him (and maybe deep down you were a little), but something told you he wasn’t going to hurt you. “Why are you even helping me?”

“Your brother told us to let you live. I wasn’t there, but from what I was told, he said something about fighting you again.”

“Is that it? Because Kakarot told you to let me go?”

You were confused for a second until you realized ‘Kakarot’ was Goku. 

“Yeah…” You carefully considered your next words so as not to make him angry. Or angrier. “He was compassionate even after what you did.”

“You humans are disgusting.” Raditz snorted.

Staring at his face, you could tell he wasn’t as infuriated as he seemed. He definitely was surprised though.

“Yeah, well, you are still stuck here with me.” 

He looked at you up and down. As confused as you were about your feelings towards him, you still had to fight your own body so as not to blush under his gaze. 

“I guess I could do worse.” He said.

“Gee, thanks.”

“And I would hate it if our thing got ruined because of a tiny mistake.” He smirked at you.

“A tiny mistake? Our thing?!” You really couldn’t help flushing by then.

“I did say I was going to come to you. Seems like I didn’t even have to do that since you are here on your own accord.”

“I- It’s not- No!” You balked. 

He laughed mockingly and you glared at him. 

*

“You’re gonna be staying at my place from now on, so be careful! I don’t want you breaking anything.” You told Raditz once you arrived at your house. 

It wasn’t big, but it was enough for you. With Raditz staying there now, you were worried it was a little cramped. 

“Yeah, you already told me that.” He rolled his eyes, looking around curiously.

The living room and kitchen were spacious, and so was the bathroom. Your bedroom and the extra room weren’t as wide, but you managed to have a queen size bed for yourself. The extra room had a single bed, and you were considering sleeping there and offering him your own bed since he was so big. 

Raditz still had to change the bandages on his torso, but he could move around by then. You still had to learn how to properly bind him up on your own. Any human would get an infection easily if you didn’t know how to do it right, but witnessing how fast Raditz had healed, you doubt he would even be affected by the things humans were weak to. 

“I’ll start dinner. You can hang around here or you can even go outside if you want, just don’t go too far.” You paused, eyes widening. “Wait, no, don’t go outside.”

“What, think I’ll run away?” He chuckled, and you gulped, facepalming yourself in your head. “There’s nothing you can do to stop me, is there?”

“Well you haven’t tried my cooking yet! I wouldn’t leave without a proper meal.” 

It was a stupid way to convince him if he truly wanted to leave, but there was really nothing you could do, or anyone else for that matter, except persuade him with words. 

But the way he was looking at you reminded you of how he stared at you the moment you met. 

“You’re right, I could eat something.” 

He sat down by the kitchen table the entire time you were cooking. You could feel his eyes on you the whole time; it made you feel incredibly self-conscious, especially since you had your back to him most of the time. It was silly you felt that way after everything that had happened between you two, but you still weren’t sure about how you felt about him. Or more like you weren’t sure you accepted how you felt.

At least physically, you were still attracted to him. You saw him shirtless a bunch of times ever since you met him, and you still let your eyes roam over his body. His muscles were impressive to say the least. And he was just so big. You were too weak for his looks, which was literally why you were in that situation in the first place. If only you had a little self-control. 

His stares never went beyond that the first few days. Raditz never tried anything, and only roamed around the house or in the yard, where you watched him work out, doing things that he shouldn’t be doing in his condition. Yet when you went to change his bandages, he was healing just fine. You were amazed, he would probably be completely healed in four or five months at most. And considering how he was close to dying, you simply couldn’t believe it.

It was then, when you were almost done binding him up, that his eyes lingered on you long enough for you to be bothered by them. You could feel him staring intensely at you at random moments during the day, but when you were so close to him, it affected you, even your hands started shaking.

“Stop staring at me!” You told him a week after you had both moved back to your place. 

You were getting tired of his lingering gaze, especially when you were holding scissors in your hands, ready to get rid of his old bandages. He was sitting on the couch next to you, your knees touching one of his thighs, as he remained as still as possible while you tried to do the simple work of helping him recover. Which was hard to do when he would not stop staring at you. 

“You keep looking at me ever since we got here, why?”

“Are you still upset?” Raditz asked you with an emotionless voice.

“Huh?”

“With me, are you still upset?”

You were taken aback as you stared right back at him. You couldn’t read him at all. But you knew he was referring to your first conversation when you practically told him you regretted ever meeting him. 

“‘Upset’ is not the right word.” You finally said after some time.

“What is it then?”

You fidgeted and remained silent. You were confused and reluctant to accept that you still found him attractive. Especially after spending so much time with him. 

Raditz was actually nice to have around, which was confusing. Though most of your conversations were superficial, he teased you and you could give back as much as you got (most of the time, if he didn’t say anything that would make you blush). But you never asked him about anything regarding his life prior to what happened once he got here. And he never questioned you about your own either. 

When you felt one of his hands on your thigh, you flinched. When he slid his fingers upwards, you grabbed his wrist instantly to stop him. 

You knew he could keep going if he wanted to. While you weren’t afraid of him anymore, you were still aware of the fact that Raditz could overpower you if he so wished. So you were surprised when he didn’t yank off your hand, but he pulled away from you altogether instead. 

“Sorry…” You murmured after a while, resuming your work on his bandages once more.

Raditz ran one of his hands through his hair, visibly a little nervous. 

“You don’t have to apologize.”

The silence that followed afterwards was awkward, and he avoided your eyes for the rest of the day.

*

Raditz didn’t understand you. He didn’t understand humans. 

He knew you were upset (you said that wasn’t the right word, but you didn’t offer any other variant) about what he had done, but he still didn’t understand why. His actions did not affect you directly. 

The more time he spent in your house, he began to see that family was important to Earthlings, or at least to you it was. You had a picture of your mother and father in the living room, he didn’t ask you about them but he knew because they simply looked so much like you. He overheard you on the phone one day too, talking to your mother and even telling her you loved her.

There was this big device called TV that you would watch sometimes that also gave him an insight of how humans lived and worked. Apparently other people’s actions affected them when they were close to one another. 

Raditz remembered his parents very well. His mother and father were not exactly normal compared to other Saiyan. For once, they seemed to hold a lot of affection for each other. They also cared for him and Kakarot. Other Saiyan parents didn’t exactly mistreat their children, but once in the incubators, they would simply leave them to go on a mission, not seeing them for years even. 

After planet Vegeta was destroyed, he only had Nappa and Vegeta. Nappa told him that most Saiyans didn’t stay together after mating, and sex was a common thing among allies, not necessarily intended for reproduction. Vegeta, being royalty and proud as heck about it, was more reserved, so he almost never commented on that matter. 

He grew up like that, and since there weren’t any females to hang around with for a long time, he just fucked for fun. Which, he learnt, was also what most males did in the Frieza army. Women were scarce there, so fucking random females in far away planets was actually a common occurrence. He never formed any kind of bond with anyone. And if he thought about it, neither Nappa nor Vegeta were exactly close to him. 

He heard them say they wouldn’t wish him back to life when he was dying after the fight with Kakarot and that other guy. And he was infuriated, but he didn’t know exactly what to do about it. There was actually nothing he could do about it in his condition to begin with either.

Humans were the opposite of how he was raised. But not the opposite of how his parents used to be. He remembered his father hugging his mother when he arrived home from a mission, even kissing her like he missed her. For what the TV had shown him, humans did that too. And while casual sex was also a thing on Earth, most of those movies, or whatever they were called, made it seem more important than what it appeared to be.

You had told him not to take anything he saw on TV ‘too seriously’. So he was confused. But he wanted to understand. Mostly so he could understand you. 

Even though it had been a while since you two had sex, Raditz still wanted you. He wanted to taste you again, to have you again. It was making it difficult to see you every single day; he had to watch you in the morning, when you tried to look somehow put together but he could see that your hair was out of place and your eyes were a little puffy, and he had to see you after you took a shower, walking to your room in just a towel, and it was killing him because he could simply smell you all the time, and everywhere on that house. But he could not touch you because your demeanor showed that you didn’t feel the same way. And he wanted to know and understand why. 

“That woman said she only wanted casual sex, but now she is crying. Why?”

It was a rare occasion that Raditz sat down with you when you chose to watch a movie. You didn’t exactly invite him to join, but he did anyway. 

A man and a woman met and agreed to just fuck. And now she was going back to her hometown and she was upset about not seeing that man again. But they had an arrangement that it was only sex. He didn’t get it, what changed?

“She is in love with him, she doesn’t want to leave.”

“In love?” 

“Yeah,” You eyed him curiously. “You know, like feelings? She cares about him and she grew to like him.”

“Wasn’t it just a fuck?”

You laughed, which startled him.

“That sometimes works, but sometimes it doesn’t. People who sleep together regularly usually grow to like each other. Even if they end up just liking each other as friends.”

“Weird…” Raditz squinted his eyes, thinking.

“What do you mean?” You giggled, obviously amused at the fact that he didn’t get human emotions. 

He debated internally whether or not to tell you what his first impression of that planet had been. He didn’t see anything wrong with sharing, so he spoke.

“When you offered yourself to me when we met, I assumed this planet was all about easy sex.”

“W- What?” 

Raditz noticed your surprise, but he went on.

“I’m not used to women being so loose. So I figured humans must fuck on a daily basis with just anyone. Didn’t consider anything like what you just said.”

He noticed your face getting slightly red, though not out of embarrassment. 

“Are you calling me a slut?” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“You used the words ‘easy’ and ‘loose’ in two sentences. Are you saying I have sex with just anyone I meet?”

He wasn’t sure exactly what had offended you, but he knew you were angry for whatever reason. He frowned, considering his words carefully.

“...No? Not exactly?”

“Then what do you mean?!”

“What I said! Humans seem highly hedonistic and simple, I suppose that’s why you never evolve past the power level of a fly.” He noticed your glare, but he snorted, amused. “It’s not everyday that I arrive on a planet and a female throws herself at me. I’m pretty sure Nappa and even Vegeta were surprised.”

“Who?”

“The Saiyans that are coming here.”

“Wait, ‘were surprised’? How would they even know about what we did?”

“The scouter.” He said, signaling to the side of his face where his scouter used to be when he arrived. “I’m sure you remember I was talking to someone through it.”

“Yeah, but what does that-”

“They were on the other side of the line, they probably heard everything.”

Your eyes opened wide, and you stared at him for a minute before talking again.

“W-what? You mean to tell me they listened to us… having sex?”

“Obviously.” He replied, unaware of the things going through your head, though he did notice your cheeks slowly flushing. “I don’t know about Vegeta, he seems like more of a prude, but I’m sure Nappa heard everything.”

Your entire face turned red up to the tip of your ears in an instant, and Raditz looked at you with one eyebrow raised. You were embarrassed now, but about what?

“I- They heard… everything?”

“Yes?”

“And you’re not bothered by that?!”

“Why would I be?” He shrugged, aloof. “I spent most of my life with them, we all have seen everything by now.”

You didn’t reply for a while, but the color on your face didn’t go away. Raditz looked at you for a minute, studying your expression, but when you didn’t talk anymore, he assumed the conversation was over. Until you spoke again. 

“You… you let them hear me say all those things I said and you didn’t tell me!”

He looked at you as you stood up and grabbed him by his shirt. 

“Get the hell out!”

“Woman, what the fuck are you doing?!”

Your grip on his shirt could probably rip the fabric, but it was nothing compared to his strength. Raditz still let you drag him towards the entrance, out of morbid curiosity. 

Opening the front door, you dragged him almost all the way out the threshold, finally pushing him in the chest.

“Get out! Now!” He opened his mouth to yell right back at you, but you didn’t give him time. “I said GET OUT!”

Raditz couldn’t believe you had actually pushed him hard enough to make him fall back onto the ground. He wasn’t exactly prepared for any kind of confrontation, so his guard was down. But he was still startled, and he stared at you with eyes wide open as you slammed the door shut in his face.

You had actually successfully thrown him out. With just your hands.

That was the wrong time to have an erection, but he couldn’t control it. 

That look in your eyes, the way you grabbed him and pushed him, like you weren’t even afraid of him (which you probably weren’t anymore after all the time you two spent together). It was arousing.  

However, he was still annoyed that you pushed him out like that. He was still trying to understand some things regarding human emotions, and when he asked, you got angry, and not only did you manage to turn him on, but also irritate him in less than a minute after that. He was confused, horny and annoyed all in one minute, and because of you.

For once, he wished his brother wasn’t dead. Kakarot was married to a human woman, the mother of his child. Maybe he would know what to do. He would have to figure this out on his own. 

Raditz cursed under his breath, standing up and rearranging his pants to best accommodate his hard-on before walking away.

[theodorevg923]

FNAF SB community/ xreader community

I NEED HELP PLEASE

ANYONE HELP

*breathes deeply* So I've been trying to figure out how weird this would be. It's been nagging me for a while and a post a saw about Yashahime and Rin x Sesshomarus relationship. It was talking about how Rin was groomed by Sesshomaru, and how she was at minimum 15 yrs old when she had the twins. That debate is for another post.

Moving on, I've been trying to work out a story with my old OC Theodore, who is a femboi tech, who becomes Montys caretaker an they fall for each other. Shiz happens, and I dont want to say too much an ruin the story. But they end up with a kid, one of my other ocs, Raylie.

Originally I was planning to have Theo be with Sun/Moon but he was a custom oc with a preset personality and Sun would be too much for him. So I switched to Monty, cause they mash better an my loverboi is GAY🏳️‍🌈 so Roxy is a no go. An Freddy's... too much of a soft himbo (in my eyes) to handle Theos rages and personality.

Anyhow~ I've had it bouncing in my head for Raylie to be with Sun/Moon instead cause shes an open book. But I'm not sure if should do it where Raylie was raised by Theo/Monty in the Pizzaplex. And 15ish years later after a bad break up, realizes how much she truly loves Sun/Moon. OR it be separated. Raylie with Sun/Moon have no relation to Theo/Montys Raylie. (Still debating on sexy scenes in all my stories)

Still following? Hope so. Granted, I am a horrible writer and am using Samsung Notes to write my stories and my depression makes it hard. An all the stories I do read of FNAF go right out the other side after it's over.

So if anyone at all can help me with this, please so go gently. Please

PS. I can give some more clarity on either or routes of need be

PPS. Possibly no Vanny, still debating on that. But I will be including angst, self h@rm, diabetes, p!ll popping, alcohol, yadda. I want to add alot of things I deal with personal between the ocs, cause I have yet to see a x diabetic reader with either Sun/Moon and Monty. An that kinda hurts so I'm adding it into mine.

PPPS (WHAT WAS I THINKING SPENDING 120 ON MONTY MERCH AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

[coracandy]

So. About that 6th wedding option.

Long post. Not sorry.

Trigger warning for #beemoovnegativity I guess. Probably throw that warning on everything I’ve posted since UL launched and everything I am likely to post for the foreseeable future because I hate beemoov. So much. I hate very nearly all of the writing choices that were made through LL, with everything surrounding Eric taking 2nd place on the worst story choices of the whole game list right behind the student falsely accuses their teacher of sexual assault plot. I just really hate cheating plots. I have also been obliquely accused of hating the Eric fans and I just want to clear up here and now that I only hate some of you. Most of you I am happy for. But man.. some of ya’ll have some utter garbage opinions and I’ve had a couple wine coolers today so I’m ready to no filter on all my own opinions about this whole mess. Click through if you want them.

Starting off.. Yeah, I said it would be funny if the wedding episode ended with Candy cheating on Eric and you know why I said that? Because if your Candy is with Eric in the first place it’s only because your Candy is a cheater. Canonically. In the real story of the real game. Not your fanfic version which we’ll get to in a bit, I promise, but in the actual game as it is actually written, if this is the path you chose then, canonically, your Candy is a cheater. She is selfish. She cares about no one and nothing but herself and what she wants in the moment. And, frankly, it seems like some of the players feel the same. I vividly recall many screen shot posts by Eric fans getting offended that their former love interests were angry about being cheated on. Citing that anger as justification for the cheating even. “This is how they react to the news? Ugh! I’m glad I cheated on them. They deserved it.” And that’s just.. reprehensible. Truly. Ya’ll remind me of beemoov, tbh. Treating someone’s anger at being stabbed in the back as a good enough reason to have stabbed them in the first place and an excuse to never have to apologize or even acknowledge the hurt.

So that’s Camp One of the Eric fans (probably the smallest camp tbh, but still very much one that exists) - the people who acknowledge the cheating aspect of the storyline but think it’s a good thing and yeah, I actually do just hate those people and their attitude. So to those people let me just say - 1) Monogamy isn’t sex negative. You’re ridiculous. 2) This storyline isn’t non-monogamous representation. It’s cheating. Those aren’t the same thing. 3)Betraying someone’s trust is always -always- a selfish, cruel, morally reprehensible thing to do. (And before anyone starts strawmanning at me about but what if that person was abusive - stop. That’s not what we’re talking about here, and you know it.)

So on to Camp Two of the Eric fans -  the drama addicts. The people that took the cheating route just because it was the first interesting thing to happen in the story in about 15 episodes. This is a camp I don’t hate but man oh man do I get frustrated by the way that all media and storytelling panders endlessly to them. This type of fan is the reason I can’t have nice things. The reason I can’t have a simply told story that builds to a narratively satisfying conclusion but instead get ass-pull twist endings that are exciting by dint of being unexpected but make no sense when you stop to think about them for five seconds. They’re the reason I get to be constantly frustrated by slow burn romances that last seven seasons and then end with the characters finally hooking up only for one of them to die two episodes later because happiness and contentment are boring. Heaven forbid a story ever slow down to focus on character development. If no one’s being killed, or cheated on, or getting pregnant without knowing which of three guys the father might be, or getting kidnapped, or diagnosed with a fatal disease, or lying to their best friend then there’s not even a story there. No tension. No drama. Why bother watching? Who wants to see characters being happy? I do. Please. For once. For more than a scene or two before something devastating happens to end it again. Just let me have nice things. For the most part this camp of players seems kinda meh about the idea of a wedding episode and would probably agree with me that Candy cheating on Eric during it would be funny. Feel like a lot of them meme on Eric as best LI because they like watching drama in the fandom as much as in the game. And I do genuinely hope they’re enjoying it while it unfolds. We have polar opposite tastes but I dream of someday living in a world where we can both have our own definition of nice things and both be happy.

And now on to Camp Three -  the people I think this wedding episode is mostly for. This is the camp I have nothing but sympathy for. These are the people who just genuinely liked the character. He simply clicked with them more than the other LIs, was closest to their idealized partner. So they ignore the way he was used in the story, headcanon away the cheating or write in their own version where the breakup happened before the sex scene, or the original LI was abusive, or maybe they were just never in another relationship through LL at all in their version of events. They just really like this character and want to have their Candy get a happy ending with him. And I have sympathy. I do. I would have loved for beemoov to give an option to end up with Eric without being dishonest. But they didn’t. That version of the story is just fanfiction. And it frustrates me when people get so invested in a fanfic version of a character or story that they start insisting the canon version is wrong and that people reacting to the canon version are misinterpreting it. I sympathize. I do. As a Lysander fangirl, I understand very well the emotional attachment one can develop to a character and story you mostly had to invent yourself because the source material never bothered to. But you can’t get offended at people being disappointed or even angry that the cheating route got a happy ending just because your personal fanfic version of the story didn’t include the cheating. The anger really isn’t being directed at you but at the canon story choices you probably also hated. I wish the story had been different for you. I really do. And hey, you all get the last laugh, in the end, as it seems the story is getting whitewashed or retconned or just generally is planning to ignore the ugly parts of what happened to give you the big white wedding of your dreams with your perfect man. And I’m happy for you. We should all have had that chance.

But we won’t. Because beemoov still doesn’t care about a lot of us. That’s where this anger mostly comes from. And it’s why I can’t agree, even slightly, with the people who are pointing to this decision and saying “Look! They’re listening to the players finally. Maybe things will get better.” Because they’re only listening to some players. Some of us have been begging to be heard for years now and they still won’t listen. And they never will. Much as I'd love to be wrong about that, I’m not wrong and you all know it. I’m happy for the people who are happy right now. But I’m warning y’all.. Don’t get comfortable. Don’t ever trust them. They’ll rip your heart out, tell you you should like it, and turn their backs on you forever while you bleed out. Don’t think it can’t happen again. It can, and knowing beemoov, it probably will.

[socratoteles]

A year to get Ph.D in letting go

The last time I was here, I wrote that perhaps it was time for me to go out and just enjoy the world. And amid the global pandemic, I sort of managed to do that. It was such a lifesaver in a year of goodbyes. I`ll get to that, but let me begin with my coronavirus scare.

On March 4 last year, I was away in Bandung, aware but not worried of some obscure virus that triggered a total lockdown in some Chinese cities. That very same day was also the time when my colleagues came in contact with a man who later confirmed of having contracted COVID-19.

That was how close I was of contracting the virus. Had I not taken a paid leave to write last year’s essay in the city where I was born, chances were high that I was another case as well, at that early stage of the pandemic too. I`m still familiar with the helplessness that came after I checked in to a hospital only to being denied the test (the nurse reasoned that the contact with my colleagues, who might catch the virus from the confirmed man, cannot be categorized as close contact).

And that experience, of confusion and fear of infecting loved ones, left a lasting impression that shaped my behavior going forward. After all, it takes a pandemic to make wearing mask and washing hands could made the difference between life and death.

Covid-induced isolation meant that I spent most of my time being holed up in my room for the past 12 months. To this day the side effects of this solitary existence is still beyond my full grasp. On one hand, this situation had brought out my inner resiliency, resourcefulness and adaptability in the long days and night when things were just so dark. On the other hand, it also forced me to deal with unresolved traumas and numerous intrusive thoughts, which I will get into later.

People get really creative during the long locked-down days, spending it doing viral social media challenges one after the other. Videoconferencing become a thing on its own and for some reason loads of folks played a game named Among Us too, perhaps to remind themselves of the interactions cruelly torn apart because of the virus.

There was also a newfound awareness on class too, because the coronavirus disproportionately affected different individuals with different income level. At least on my part, I was lucky that essential workers (the pandemic elevated the phrase into such a buzzword) near my place were safe and somehow never contracted the virus. It is worth mentioning that I definitely cannot survive this long if not for the minimarket workers, ride-hailing drivers and dozens of cooks, all of whom must have worked in long hours, despite knowing the risk, just to keep their families fed.

Others, however, were not so lucky. the SARS-CoV-2 had infected more than a million Indonesians a year after it was officially detected in these shores. Millions have lost their jobs as economic activities ground to a halt. The place I currently work was not an exception. Massive layoffs would have happened in my office had the shareholders have enough money to properly compensate their workers.

It was an obviously eye-opening experience to calculate my own severance pay and make sure I could survive on that for as long as possible. The prospect of losing your income during the pandemic –which should be that particular time for anyone to hold on to their what-ifs money– was really awful.

This is the paragraph where I say that I wish nothing but the best for those who left the company simply because they deserve nothing less than that.

But there was another reason why I signed up for a help from professional therapist last year. In the latter part of last year, things got very, very grim. At the risk of oversimplification, let’s just say that I was unable to express my feelings properly to a girl that I really liked, right at the most critical moment when probably both of us needed support from each other. She eventually left with another guy.

Days before that fateful event happened, I was quietly bearing my own burden. After years of convincing myself that I was okay, I was, in fact, not okay, at least mentally. Years of trauma have caught up. It’s too personal to even spell that out here but I`ll just quote this Youtuber just to describe a fitting metaphor. 

“You see, human identity is like a house of card. One that’s always expanding. A story that is ever developing and always referred back to because every memory becomes a new card. Trauma is when a card doesn’t fit because the experience itself is so painful that it’s incompatible with everything else and if you become obsessed with making it fit the whole house of cards can fall apart and you lose the confidence to build anything new.”

Basically, my house of cards came crashing down, hard. At a time, it reduced me into this insecure soul who were unsure that people will accept me for who I was.

The last time I felt this way was a couple years back when my parent’s divorce was formalized. A girlfriend turned ex-girlfriend at that time too. Apparently, the universe has a cruel sense of timing to combine existential crisis with a relationship one.

The road to recovery was rocky, to say the least. I know something fundamental must be addressed, hence the therapy session.

I`m grateful for the company of my friends, either offline or online. (yes, I had become quite loose in terms of isolation because I know I had to prioritize my mental health; COVID-19 be damned). I`m also glad to say that because I talked with my friends about this issue, some of them were also encouraged to seek professional help.

At the height of my despair, I watched La Grande Bellezza (probably for a half a dozen time already) again and found this quote, spoken by the protagonist Jep Gambardella:

“We’re all on the brink of despair. We can only look each other in the face, keep each other company, kid each other a bit. Don’t you agree?”

Someone was kind enough to upload the entire scene on Youtube.

I decided that all bets are off, so I purchased books, many of which had been on my to-read list for years because I know I`ll have to read it when I search for a catharsis. That was how I finally read the Camus’ Myth of Sisyphus, from which I managed to understand what he meant by the absurdities of life. Into the Wild, excellently written by Jon Krakauer, broke my heart too because of Chris Mccandles’ tales somehow mimicked my own, minus the grand adventure part. I finally read Alan Watts too, from whom I learned that efforts to avoid from pain is painful in itself.

And music, a constant part of my life as I know it, helps too. I was saved because Fleet Foxes released a life-affirming record that fittingly spoke about relief, gratitude, and seasonal rebirth. During the darkest days I was just alone with my guitar in my room, terribly singing out the words that these musicians carved out of their soul to release my emotional burden. I was particularly grateful for being reminded time and again that “no one gets it right” but “we’re all supposed to try”.

I made a playlist containing songs that for me served as a reminder to be gentle for myself. You can check that here.

All of that was a roundabout way to say that I indeed, was able to go out amid the pandemic. On one afternoon I just said fuck it, I need to go out and see things. That led me to a weekly socially-distanced walk around the neighborhood, which was therapeutic in itself because the walks allowed me to be fully present and be sensitive to the sights and sounds and smells around me. Nothing is more liberating that allowing your feet to go where it you to go.

I don’t have the full answers yet, but as I wrote his essay, I`m glad to be able to say that I have rebuild my house of cards, with some of the bad cards included as well. It was quite a bumpy ride but when I looked back, this particular tweet was eerily prescient because it rings true today as was the day I tweeted it.

But I walked away from the depths of that bottomless pit not only with knowledge, but also of understanding the parts that made me who I am. I`m also humbled after I saw the abyss for the second time because it suggests that there might be another time when I found myself on the edge of despair.

I`ll never forget the fact that these hard-won lessons came on the back of years of pain, grief and suffering. But it also came on the heels of moments of simple walk in the setting sun and feeling the breeze on the beach too. In fact, I have made it my mission going forward to acknowledge both good and bad things as they are. Because forcing yourself to remember all the bright things when you were in the dark, and vice versa, is a form of self-torture. I hope this essay somehow do that mission justice.

I have said goodbyes to many things in life as the crisis comes and goes, but 2020 goodbyes were simply different. So much so that I thought I have a PhD in letting go already, however absurd that idea is.

[softbiker]

Born to Run - Chapter 15

Warnings: language, literally zero editing

Word count: 3k

A/N: Wow I’m back to updating this story??? A million years later?? I am so sorry to anyone who was following this - but if you’re still reading and still interested, here’s an update! God as my witness, I will finish this. I actually have more ideas and inspiration for where the story’s going now - plus we’re all getting quarantined, so these WIPs have never had a better chance of getting done. Anyways, here it goes! Please let me know what you think! 

The lone monitor beeped steadily, plaintively, in the early morning quiet of the hospital room. Air rattled through the breathing machine, filling unknowing lungs over and over. A starched white blanket was pulled up to his chest, covering most of the bandages wrapped around his torso from the hours of emergency surgery. His left arm was already in a cast and laid on top of the blanket, resting against his stomach. 

Natasha felt sick.

And angry. 

How could she have been so stupid? Acting like a goddamn rookie, for starters, and running to Nick to fix their situation - letting things get out of hand with the Avengers, failing to convince Y/N to get out of here before things got bad. And they were only going to get worse. 

If Nick had been identified, then they were all in danger. And there was no fucking way, to her mind, that he couldn’t have been I.D.’d. This wasn’t a random accident, regardless of whatever the hell the local police wanted to write on the incident report. It was an attack, a warning. First blood. 

Her knee bounced in her seat by the bed, plastic upholstery squeaking with every shift in her weight. She chewed her nails - a habit she thought she had finally managed to kick. A tall nurse, dark curls piled into a bun on top of her head, came in to check Nick’s vitals; she was quiet, efficient, offering Nat a sympathetic smile. 

“If you need anything, just contact the nurse’s station, ok?” Her pink bubblegum, tucked in the back corner of her mouth, was visible when she talked. “And there’s a coffee machine around the corner, in case you need your fix before the cafeteria opens up.”

Nat nodded her thanks as the woman slipped out of the room, her white nursing clogs creaking a little, not yet broken in. 

The sky outside the window continued to brighten, a clear and cold winter morning; she wasn’t sure how long she stared at him before she decided to have that coffee after all. Massaging her temples, she shuffled down the hallway towards the flickering glow of the machine. Her boots echoed on the tiles in the empty hall, the low hum of the coffee machine filling the little alcove near the elevators. It whirred and hissed and spat out her coffee into a blue paper cup with slow, deliberate drips. 

How had she let it get this far? What was she going to do without him? And who the hell could she trust? She winced as the first sip of coffee burned her tongue. It wasn’t as though she didn’t trust the team…but she’d gone to Nick in the first place because they were no longer being objective - Barnes especially, and Rogers was only enabling him. 

Her eyes on the waxed linoleum floor, she barely noticed him standing outside the door of the hospital room. Steve squared his shoulders, directly in front of her, his eyebrows tilted at a thunderous angle. 

“You gonna tell me what the hell is going on here?” he gritted out, the hoarse edge of his voice scraping in his throat. 

Nat didn’t answer, not right away. Instead, she let him stew in the boil of his righteous anger, air tightening between them. The coffee had cooled a bit, but left a funny taste in her mouth - the flavor mixed badly with the mints she’d been sucking on an hour ago. The muscles in her neck and back ached from hunching by Nick’s bed all night, and she arched a little on her feet, stretching and flexing, though the early morning tightness never quiet left her muscles. 

Finally, when the flare of Steve’s nostrils told her he was on the verge of making a scene, she gestured toward the door with her coffee cup. 

“Why don’t you head in there and see for yourself?”

Clenching his jaw, Steve turned and let himself into the hushed dimness of the hospital room. He filled the doorway - he filled most doorways - and from behind Natasha wished he could march into this and save the day, the way he always wanted to. At the foot of the bed, he stopped and rested a hand on the mobile tray waiting there, now cleared of the uneaten food from last night. His mouth turned further down, matching the turn of his eyes as he watched the sleeping man tucked into crisp hospital linens. After all these years, I was so strange to see Nick this way - weak, still, not in command. It shook something loose inside of him, but he tamped it down, cracking the knuckles of his fist. 

“You know who did this?” he said, his voice a low growl under the tone of the monitors. Behind him, Nat closed the door with a soft click. 

“Of course I do - don’t you?” She slipped behind him, sipping from her coffee, and took up her chair by the bed again. 

Big hands curling and uncurling, Steve remained silent. From her spot in the squeaky hospital chair, Nat watched the slant of his profile, reading the rage in every line. 

“Rumlow is dead,” Steve said through clenched teeth. 

“But not the rest of them.”

“Without a leader? They’re just a bunch of thugs.” Steve shook his head. “There’s someone else pulling the strings - someone smarter.” He nodded towards Nick’s prone body. “Someone who knew about Nick. Maybe about all of us.”

Natasha nodded slowly, one finger tracing the rim of her coffee cup. Usually she enjoyed being right. 

Steve scrubbed at his face with his hands, blowing a harsh breath past his lips. He turned away from the hospital bed and paced along the edge of the room, towards the window. With the thin curtain drawn, pale sunlight cast shadows beneath his eyes, sharped the noble angle of his nose. HE never dreamed they’d be standing here, years deep in a life built on lies and duty. Fresh from the army, him and Buck, and no plans - that’s when Sam approached them. Intelligence work, a chance to do something important, to keep fighting the good fight on the home front. 

“They’re all in danger.” Natasha’s voice scraped at the edges of her throat. “You know that, Steve.” 

“I know.”

“It’s time.” He turned to look at her, bits of hair falling from her ponytail to frame her face. Bits of mascara had smudged underneath her eyes, bloodshot and heavy. 

“Make the call,” Steve said, looking back towards the window. “Get Pierce if you have to. It’ll piss off Stark to go over his head, but I’m not worried about his ego.”

Nat licked her lower lip, tracing the chapped skin. 

“What about Barnes and his girlfriend?” she asked, leaning an elbow on the arm of her chair. “I can’t see him being eager to burst their happy little bubble.”

Steve sighed through his nose, crossing his huge arms across his chest. The monitors beeped a lonely rhythm behind him. 

“I”ll handle Bucky. Just get everything ready - make all the arrangements. Do what you have to do.” 

  ***********                                                                                                  

“So for dinner, I’m thinking…we still have that spaghetti squash in the fridge? I could whip up some kind of sauce to go with it…” she peaked her head up over the door of the fridge. “Sound good to you, Buck?” 

Startled, Bucky’s head popped up from his phone. 

“Uh, yeah sure,” he said, ducking back down and resuming the rapid movement of his thumb. 

With a frown, Y/N hip-checked the door closed, bottles rattling inside. 

“Are you listening to me, Bucky Barnes?” she asked, eyes narrowing as she leaned back against the fridge. 

He looked up again - a well-developed sense of self-preservation kicked in when he caught that dangerous glint in her eyes. 

“Yes - yes, sweetheart, I’m sorry,” he sighed, sliding his phone into his back pocket. “Whatever you want for dinner is good - I’m fine with the spaghetti squash.”

She was never so easily distracted. 

“What was so interesting?” she nodded his direction. “You’ve been glued to that thing all afternoon.”

Bucky’s shoulders dropped as he sighed, rounding the edge of the counters to approach her in the kitchen. Soft hands reached for her hips, reeling her in closer, sharing heat and heartbeats. The scent of his cologne drifted up on the air between them - spicy, warm, just subtle enough to remain sexy. He leaned in close and pressed his lisp to her forehead, devoted and sweet, and always properly apologetic. 

“I”m sorry, baby,” he said, squeezing her waist softly. “It’s just Steve-”

“Steve?” She looked up at him with a frown, neat little line forming between her brows. “Steve has been blowing up your phone?”

“Yeah, I know.” He shook his head. “It sounds like total bullshit, but I swear that’s all.”

“What’s going on with Steve?” 

Bucky sucked in a deep slow breath, hoping to hide his hesitation. Their “club business” had always taken first place, first priority…the job came first. The job was important. They were saving lives, putting away criminals. But now his girl was pouting at him in the kitchen, and he’s so tired, so goddamn tired all of a sudden - of all of it. Of being a public servant or a hero or whatever the hell. Of duty. He wants to pack it all up and just start driving. Move back to the city - or hell, even the suburbs would be nice. He’d take Y/N to Sunday dinner at his mom’s place; they’d move in together, and Y/N could decorate just how she wanted, and he’d sweat over rearranging the furniture and complain about trips to fuckin’ Ikea and all the other stuff that normal boyfriends got to do. In this moment, this inhale, he tasted it all, the life they could have. A dream they could build, together. 

And all he had to do was come clean. About all of it. 

In the space of an exhale, he faced it. He wanted this. It was on the tip of his tongue. 

And then the next breath. 

“Just club stuff,” he shrugged, feeling the weight of the lie dropping on her. “There’s…been a little drama between the members lately. Nothin’ for you to worry about.” 

With another kiss to her forehead, he turned away and opened the fridge. 

“I’ll put that spaghetti squash in this afternoon if you want me to,” he offered. “That way it’ll be ready when you get off work. Sound good?” 

Y/N nodded mutely, pressing her lips into a smile. She had to admit it was nice having a boyfriend who was mildly competent in the kitchen. 

“Okay, well, I’ve got to get in to the clinic,” she sighed, checking her watch. “Shit! I’ll be late.” Swinging her bag and lab coat over her shoulder, she gave him a final peck on the lips before bolting to the door. 

“You sure you don’t want me to drive you?” Bucky called from the kitchen. 

“Too cold!” was her reply - and then she was out the door. 

Bucky stared at the closed door for a moment, one hip leaned against the counter, worrying at his lower lip with his teeth. He just needed some time. Just a little more time to sort all this out. And then he’d tell her - the whole truth. Everything. And after, they could have a life together, something real, something safe, a home. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket. Steve again. 

Call me. Now.

Even as he rolled his eyes at Steve’s flare for the dramatic, a little tremor seized Bucky’s heart. Dread hovered in the back of his mind as he swiped his thumb and dialed Steve’s number. 

This could only go badly.

  **********                                                                                                  

One breath.

Inhale to exhale. That was how long it took for him to lie to her. 

Cold fingers wrapped tight around the steering wheel, it was all she could think about. It scared the hell out of her, whatever it was he tried to hide in that breath, whatever he decided to keep from her. He’d never done that before…or had he? Did she know? Would she know? Would she be able to tell? 

Calm down, Y/N. You’re overreacting. She lectured herself, cranking the heat in her car to a higher setting. A top 40 song, thumping beat and repeated lyrics, hummed faintly on the radio; she was running late enough that the morning talk show had already ended, moving on to the daily shuffle of hits and local business commercials. It all went unheard in the worried circle of her thoughts. 

What could he have to hide? Unbidden, her mind flooded with horrible possibilities, every possible answer to that question, and each more horrible than the last. Was he cheating? Another woman was responsible for the constant barrage of text messages pinging his phone? Bucky was handsome, not to mention clever, flirtatious, romantic; she had no doubt he could get any woman he wanted. But his attention and affection for her hadn’t waned - just this weekend he’d planned a beautiful dinner for the two of them, followed by a homemade cheesecake he had slaved over for dessert, and then well…he was certainly still eager in the bedroom. The warning signs just weren’t there. 

So what else? He’d never been secretive about the club before. Avengers business was Avengers business, but he’d never lied to her about it. It turned her stomach sour, and she regretted having those pancakes this morning, the cloying smell of syrup still on her hands making her want to pull over and vomit on the side of the road. 

She knew she was working herself up, letting her mind run amuck, but she couldn’t stop herself. By the time she pulled her car into the parking lot of the clinic, she’d half made up her mind to turn right around, go home, and confront him. The image of herself, half-crazy with ideas of secret affairs or violence or drugs, marching into the house and accusing him of lying - it stopped her short.

God, why am I losing my shit over this? Y/N dropped her head back against the seat and closed her eyes, the car idling in the lot, warm and safe from the harsh winter morning. She’d dealt with shitty men before, she’d survived bad boyfriends. It was impossible to make it very long as a woman without that experience. And yet, somehow, the memory of that paled in comparison to the devastating knowledge that Bucky was lying to her. 

You love him. Oh god, she did, she loved him - she was in love with him. 

She hurried out of the car and into the clinic, preferring to bury herself in wellness checks and vaccines and the flu than to keep thinking on it. 

    **********                                                                                                   

At the reception desk, Charlotte stopped her before she could get to her office.

“Oh! You’re needed at the county hospital today.” She handed Y/N the note, written on robin’s egg blue stationary. 

“I’m sorry? Why?” Y/N squinted at the note, a handwritten scribble. Charlotte shrugged. 

“No real explanation - but the chief surgeon said that they could use an extra set of hands with all the flu cases they’ve got coming in.” She took a sip from her travel mug. “I’ve heard they’re a little overwhelmed down there, since they’re the closest treatment for a lot of people in the county.” 

Y/N sighed, looking back out to her car. She hadn’t planned to drive the extra mileage out to the hospital today; not to mention it would probably make her late coming back for dinner tonight. Digging in her purse, she grabbed her phone and shot off a quick text to Bucky, explaining the change. 

“Alright then,” she huffed, placing her purse back on her shoulder. “I guess I’ll see you later.” 

With a wave to Charlotte and the other nurses, she was back out the door and heading to her car. This time around, she turned the radio up loud, singing along and tapping her fingers on the steering wheel and not thinking about this morning, or her own life, or anything at all. 

    **********                                                                                                   

At the hospital, she was assigned to make rounds for one of their physicians who had called in sick. Simple enough. The elevator ride up was quiet, new nurses and doctors all quiet and polite, but holding down their conversations in the presence of a stranger. 

She started on the third floor recovery ward, making her way down the hall door by door. Bedside manner was always one of her strengths; she could charm most patients with just a few words, breezing through her examinations and questions with ease. Chalk it up to customer service experience, but even the difficult patients usually treated her with gruff politeness, the insistence of her friendly manners forcing them to match with their own. Room by room, she checked charts and asked about pain levels and wrote prescriptions, the morning passing by in hours of sterile white tile and the smell of hand sanitizer. 

Turning a corner onto the next ward, she was just looking up from her clipboard when she caught a glimpse of a familiar shade of red ducking into a doorway. Y/N hurried her steps, her cadence almost a jog as she tried to catch-

“Natasha?” She knew that hair, the back of her jacket, the set of her shoulders. 

Nat was standing in the door of the hospital room, propping it open with one arm, head turned over her shoulder to stare at Y/N with weary eyes. Her face was pale, scrubbed clean of makeup, the bright baby hairs around her face twisting in tight little curls. At the sight of Y/N, she quirked the corner of her mouth up in an attempt at a smile, but it only managed to make her look more strained and exhausted. 

“What are you doing here?” Y/N went on when she didn’t get an answer. Her eyes cut past Natasha to the dim fluorescence of the room behind her. “Is everything okay?” 

Nat stared for another moment, her lips pressed tight together, jaw working back and forth. The hand she held on the door was curled in a small, tight fist, the peaks of her pale knuckles standing out against the long sleeve of her hoodie. Then, still silent, she stepped aside, gesturing for her friend to enter. 

“Come in,” she said hoarsely. “We need to talk.” 

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 28

catch me completely ignoring dark cybertron lmao

yeahhhh so I'm just gonna skip dark cybertron bc no thanks. I did read the tf wiki articles for the issues tho, which is more than I did in the past, so at least now I kinda know what happened, though I had to suffer thru reading about dark cybertron to learn stuff about it. yikes. reading ABOUT dark cybertron further enforced my decision to not actually read thru it

anyways. the best part of dark cybertron was when chromedome threw prowl off that cliff. that was baller lmfao

a 1 page recap of dark cybertron is about all I can handle. thank you

ooh, the 6 months later smash-cut, I fucking love itttt

nautica’s here!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy I love her. also brainstorm, and I love their friendship sm

hvbjdkhfbshdfj god I love them. they have such a fun dynamic 

everyone eavesdropping on a therapy session vhbhdjkhafbhkjsdf. hipaa laws mean nothing as usual 

the casual reveal of captain megatron, oh god 

the title fucking slaps, as usual. this is one of my favorites - ‘world, shut your mouth.’ great stuff, and a song title/reference to boot! and this being part 1: towards peace...chefs kiss

and then we flash back to 6 months earlier...yknow now that I'm rereading this, mtmte has a LOT of framing devices used - there's story-within-a-story, flashback/flash-forwards, storytelling with narration, etc...I love it

god hbvhjakdfbshjkdf rodimus saying ‘magic’ and then the little *magic = science rodimus doesn't understand HBGKJHSDBFKHJSDF my idiot boy ily

rodimus roasting prowl is my fav hbfjdkafshsbjkf ‘maybe the knights can help us find a cure for your personality’ ily sm

and then prowl agreeing w/rodimus a few panels later about megatron’s guilt...

optimus...don't you think that making yourself chief of justice is...maybe a bad idea...like, maybe there's a conflict of interests here...just a little bit of bias...a bit too much history, perhaps...

the fact that all the big roles in the trial were given to high-ranking autobots who were heavily involved in the war...I see that cybertrons justice system is as much of a farce as their medical ethics and patient confidentiality laws 

the ‘you BROKE the MATRIX’ panel is so good bjhkdhfbajskhdf

rodimus: LISTEN dad I just wanna resume my space cruise with my frat bro ship I have no interest in politics

psychiatrists HATE him! local former warlord refuses to recognize the validity of psychological analyzation of people’s actions

ravage casually breaking hipaa laws and chilling in megatron’s therapy session like >:3

I love rung...he’s so good at like, passive-aggressively cutting right to the heart of someone’s issues, and he’s so generally mild that you can’t even really get mad at him 

the sudden inclusion of megatron as a major character in mtmte is kinda jarring at first - mostly, for me at least, due in part because I didn't read dark cybertron so this is like, megatron’s introduction as a relevant character in general - but I feel like jro does a great job laying a lot of intrigue down from the very beginning w/his character - like, I already want to know more about what his whole deal is, even though we have, ostensibly, seen pretty much all of his story play out already 

rung name-dropping froid...i remember that made me lose my shit bc cmon. FROID....jesus christ

rung and megatron: holy shit! we’re suddenly being drawn in a 90s-esque sci-fi tron-looking retro-futuristic style!

interesting that megatron sought rung out, and not the other way around

RIPTIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my favorite sharkboy is HERE

CREWDITIONS...YES....

‘we’re not allowed to take anyone who might remind rodimus of prowl’ vhbhjdkshfbhaskfd brutal

I love nautica so so much. a perfect autistic scientist after my own heart

I adore that nautica brought chromia along for moral support

hgvbjdakhfbhsj and then swerve saying that rodimus hates ‘trisyllabic names’ and nautica is like....but....‘rodimus’.....

and then nightbeat busts in to get all bbc sherlock on they asses hgbfhjadkfbjaskdf

WHY was perceptor at the crewditions if he was already part of the crew lmao

ooof, and then we have megatron flipping out when chromedome, a mnemosurgeon, shows up

also damn the autobots were rlly like okay so we wanna speed this trial up so lets just like, probe megatrons brain, that seems completely ethical, especially when you consider the history of shadowplay and stuff that our previous government had

I know important stuff is happening but megatron is holding a CUBE and I love CUBES so I'm distracted by that. C U B E

and then right after a scene where we see chromedome willing to perform mnemosurgery again - despite rewind’s like, dying wish for him not to - we hear that he’s been locked up in his room rewatching rewinds goodbye message over and over again :( I'm fucking depressed

I love nightbeat, he’s so funny and kind of an asshole

and then you see more missing letters behind them next panel...clearly nightbeat is right and there’s a mystery afoot...OR somebody is fucking with the ship’s lettering as a prank, which is a plot point I would absolutely buy

yeahhhh skids is right, chromedome is clearly Not dealing 

the dramatic graffiti on megatrons door...I wanna know who spray-painted ‘die’ everywhere like they're reaper overwatch

oh god. whirl vs megatron

really cool red lighting tho

GOD its so brutal, all the stuff megatron said about how he told the cons not to kill whirl...and doesn't that end up being false anyways? so he was just saying it to dig at whirl, which is awful

also I'm never over the fact that literally everyone - including megatron and whirl - blames whirl for ‘turning megatron violent,’ as if the entire Point isn't that whirl was a tool for a corrupt system, and if it wasn't whirl it would've just been someone else, and megatron turning away from pacifism was inevitable given the circumstances, AND also a choice on his part, so he really only has himself to blame for his OWN ACTIONS

bye bye whirls right arm, see you in lost light 

‘people never stop changing’ that IS something I say all the time...damn you warlord grandpa! how can you steal my philosophies?!

ohhh man and then rewind’s goodbye message being different....oooh

AUGH the fact that whirl was basically trying to goad megatron into killing him, just like he did in issue 1 w/cyclonus...It Hurts Man

also I do love the hint at who he’s talking to w/whirl shooting megatron with the bow and arrow earlier, and we know that atomizer is a fan of those

ok, but here’s where my philosophy diverges - megatron talks about throwing away his past and starting new, but I think that you have to learn from and build on your past...either way, megatron’s arc is one that I enjoy greatly from a character writing standpoint, and I'm excited to get it underway, especially w/how controversial it is lmao

big ole double-page spread...I like how you can pick out individual characters in the background crowd, which is crazy cause that's a LOT of people. also how come cosmos is so HUGE

phewwww 4.6 billion cybertronians died in the war, that’s INSANE. that's like, an incomprehensibly huge number. is there an estimate for their current population? I bet its not a lot. no wonder jro leaned into reproductive themes so much in mtmte/ll - of course the continuation of your species would be a concern for many if your numbers have been that greatly reduced

optimus w/his fancy tyrest-lookin crown

oughdajbfsbdf and the fact that megatron ALSO murdered 100 BILLION non-cybertronians...bruh. I feel like they maybe should've dialed those numbers back a little to allow his ‘redemption arc’ to run a little smoother lmao. but also I admire the commitment either way

and then we end w/megatron doing captain stuff, and seeing The Coffin...and we never did see rodimus in any of the flash-forward parts of this issue, did we???? I love how concerning that is. where's my BOY

also of course we gotta remember the warning from way back at the beginning of mtmte: ‘don't open the coffin’....

and so begins mtmte s2! man I love s2. I love mtmte in general lmao. s2 takes on the impossible w/the whole ‘megatron redemption arc’ thing, and I know that’s like, a divisive plot point and stuff, but from a writing standpoint I enjoyed it a lot...I think it was pretty much as well done as it could've been given the enormity of the task, and I thought it was a really interesting direction for the story to go in 

also espec if it’s true that hasbro was like ‘hey jro put megatron in your story and give him a redemption arc’ rather than jro like, planning/asking to do it 

anyways. I doubt ill talk much abt the disc horse(tm) here bc this is just for fun and also my own personal opinions and whatever, but I for one am excited to reexperience this stuff 

so yeah s2 off to a strong start with some wild shit already happening! cant wait to read more!

[elementalsight]

For the writing meme: 18 and 20?

18: Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them. Ohhhhhh so for Complicated Creation, one of my initial ideas was that after the Spirit Realm, Aizawa would give Izuku his contact number, and Izuku’d have a moment of “My phone doesn’t actually make calls, but I use wifi for email” (cue FEELINGS there) and Izuku taking off but promising to show up when they need him. And then the LoV setting off a bomb, essentially, with anti-quirk bullets inside that hit multiple people and Izuku has to come in and save the day. Thankfully the Dadzawa vibes were too strong, and I absolutely prefer this version. The MUCH BIGGER VERSION CHANGE is that originally? Ryujin is resurrected in chapter 13 straight up. Like, Izuku falls into the ocean, very nearly drowns, and Ryujin is the one to rescue him. There was a point where Izuku demanded to be let go so he could go home and Ryujin, being Not Very Good At This, just drops him for Mizuchi to catch on his back, but Izuku 100% thinks he is gonna DIE as he falls. I do love that scene and their exchange, and of course this means Aizawa is scolding Ryujin directly for the storms, but something felt off about it. I finally tossed it to @redrobin-detective for feedback and they were kind enough to sit as we worked back and forth about if Ryujin’s comeback was too fast after his death. So we came to the idea of Ryujin being essentially tied to where he belongs/was born and needs to stay there. For a year? A century? Who knows. He’ll be able to speak to and guide Izuku, but he won’t be physically there. Which changes some of how I expect the sequel to go, but I 100% think the story is stronger for it - and it entirely came from me reading comments and everyone telling me HOW MUCH THEY WERE EFFECTED by Ryujin’s death, which surprised me. Since I knew it was coming, it didn’t punch me in the same way I think it did for other readers. 20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?) Oh man CC is SO full of symbolism and repeated motifs and hidden notes. Some of my favourites: 1) Izuku starts and ends (more or less) at the Takua river. He starts there treating his wounds, wondering if he should fall in and let himself drift away before Tamamo-no-Mae drags him back. He ends there on the bank, expecting Mizuchi to arrive to kill him. He’s passive, feeling empty and used up and like an awful human being. And in the first round, he is offered help (from TnM) and rejects it and runs and goes to ground to hide. And the second time, after shenanigans Ryujin offers him help and Izuku more-or-less accepts it (he asks for time to think because he’s overwhelmed, but he does accept) and more importantly, he doesn’t run away: he asks to go back to Aizawa, to the one person who has helped him feel safe. I really wanted to examine how far Izuku’s come, but also reflect on how far he still has to go! Poor kid needs more than three weeks of Aizawa and good meals before he’s stable, but it’s a good start! 2) Tamamo-no-Mae. Things like “Do not fall in, I cannot swim” and later on her talking about how she met Mizuchi was by falling into his domain (one of his rivers) and she still can’t swim, I dunno why but I love that? Also she has at least one line, possibly more, that hint at more secrets folks don’t yet know about her that I am excited about. She is one of those spirits who becomes DEEPLY connected to her humans, and so she connects to Izuku easily and for Izuku, he really is attaching onto her a bit like a mother. 3) ALL THE FORESHADOWING ABOUT AfO I spent SO MUCH TIME trying to CARRREEEFULLY craft the hints: I didn’t want to make it too obvious, but at the same time it seemed so obvious to me - even the adults in-verse are like ‘this kid could be connected to AfO because of quirk manipulation’ and still it surprised so many people but importantly no one thought it was a complete heel-turn ass-pull. The minute you go back and reread (I have had multiple people comment as such) it’s obvious.  [[You are not what you are made to be. You are not what you are made out to be. Both things are untrue. You have surprised me,]] she says, like she’s making all the sense in the world. [[ I look forward to seeing what you become.]]  Also when Izuku meets OfA, he tries to protest ‘hey, I am not what everyone says I am, sure I’m apparently the bridge, but I just want to help people’ and OfA’s response is [[ That remains to be seen. You are young: age makes monsters out of men. ]] They know the context that Izuku doesn’t, that they somewhat think Izuku does know, and so they’re not trying to be cryptic. OfA is really just being passive aggressive, and TnM is trying to be reassuring! They just... don’t realize Izuku’s working with less information. I could probably go on, but I’ll wait and see if anyone else asks for the same # XD

[axwalker]

Tears in Heaven 2: Falling

Synopsis: Alexis O’Brien is about to get married but memories of her old life are coming back to haunt her.

MASTERLIST

Pairings: Liam x MC Drake x MC (TRR)

Warnings:  

NO ONE UNDER 18 should read this story. This is an 18+ blog. This story will deal with very dark subjects such as death, severe depression and suicide attempt (among others) if you’re triggered by any of those issues, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS STORY

A/N: The story will go back and forth between three different periods of time (2009 / 2015 / 2019) 

A/N: In most European countries the legal age to drink is 18, as Cordonia is clearly in Europe, I ‘ll use the same legal age. 

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Pixelberry.

Word count: 4,600

Songs inspiration: Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton

THANKS TO:  To  my awesome beta read @pedudley​

And to the beautiful  @burnsoslow​   who beta read the whole scene with Liam. 

I love you both!!

Tagging: 

@mskaneko​ @pedudley​ @burnsoslow​ @pug-bitch​ @lauzales​ @yukinagato2012​ @kingliam2019​ @texaskitten30​ @loveellamae​ @nomadics-stuff​ @flutistbyday2020​ @mrsdrakewalkerblog​ @ladyangel70​ @kimmiedoo5​ @debramcg1106​ @ao719​ @msjr0119​ @ac27dj​  @forthebrokenheartedthings-blog​ 

JUNE 2015

Nine months. Nine months since the ‘accident’. That was how her friends called it: ‘An accident’. The word infuriated her. It implied something so avoidable, something so small and simple. A finger caught in a door, a bad fall, a glass of whiskey spilled on the table. He didn’t have a broken leg, or a soared finger, he was dead. He was never going to come back again, his laughter vanished, his chocolates eyes gone, forever.

She would love to know how her friends called what had happened three months after his death. The day she had lost the last shred of hope she had left.

Every day she repeated the same routine, she woke up, drank, and stayed in bed looking through the window. Some days when the alcohol had numbed her enough, she was able to go through her albums and live in her memories. But most days, she couldn’t bear to see their happy faces, the joyful moments, so she just drank and cried.

Liam, Olivia and Max came every day to check up on her. Sometimes together, sometimes separate. They all had different methods to bring her back to life. None of them worked but they kept trying anyway.

Liam was caring and protective, he tried to make her eat or drink something else besides alcohol. Sometimes he tried to talk some sense into her, others he simply read to her.

Olivia’s approach was more direct, she arrived at the house like a tornado, cleaning the mess and throwing all the wine bottles and pizza boxes in the garbage, disgusted. She scolded her in the hope to see her strong friend fight back, but Alexis had gave up, nothing that Oliva said made her react.

Maxwell was kind and compassionate. He sat with her in silence, rubbing her back or crying with her. He only wanted to make her feel that she wasn’t alone. That he would be there when she was ready.

She knew that deep down she loved them, or that she had loved them once, but there was nothing left anymore for anyone else.

One morning, after yet another sleepless night, Alexis looked at her reflection in the mirror. She barely recognized herself. She touched her face, trying to remember how she looked like only nine months before. Her eyes drifted to the bottle of sleeping pills next to her toothbrush. Her decision was taken. He had died. He had left her. She had no reason to live anymore. That night, when her friends were gone, she would write some good-bye letters and she’ll go to sleep to never wake up again.

Ironically, that was the first day since it all happened that she had something to look forward to.  After Savanah’s birthday, her life had stopped anyway, she was merely finishing the job.

August 2009

Maxwell and Olivia were having coffee after class while they waited for Alexis. When she arrived thirty minutes later, Max frowned, she looked like she wanted to bite someone’s head off.

Instead of greeting them, she threw her bag on the table, almost spilling Olivia’s coffee on her lap.

Olivia growled. “Careful there Alexis! This is Balmain.”

Maxwell rolled his eyes. “I’m sure that you meant to ask Lexie if everything was ok.”

Olivia snorted. “No, I meant to keep my very expensive outfit safe. Thank you very much.” She brushed her hand over her skirt making sure it was still spotless. “but yes tell us what happened to put you in such a dark mood, Alexis.”

“I can’t have coffee with you. Frickin Neville wants me to work tonight. Argh! I had the day off.”

Max looked at his best friend worried “Do you think that he’ll try something like the other night?”

“After all the self-defense classes Olivia has given me? I’d like to see him try” She took one French fry from Maxwell’s plate.

“So? What’s the problem?  More hours mean more money, right?” He seemed confused “You’re always looking for extra hours.”

Olivia wasn’t fooled, she squinted at her friend. “She has a date with Walker.”

Maxwell squeaked. “Blossom!! You have seen him every day since you met him four days ago!”

“I know, Max. I can’t even explain it. He’ like… a drug” She ran her fingers through her head trying to hide her giddiness. “When he kisses me. I can’t even think or…”

Maxwell knew Drake Walker since they were kids, and he was well aware of his reputation. “What did you do last night?”

“We just walked all night, I waited until my father and Cindy were in their room, sneaked out and took him to the cove”

“The one you haven’t even show me?” Max looked hurt.

“I’ll take you next time Max, I swear” She hugged him. “Anyway, we just walked and talked until dawn.” She said leaving out that they had kissed senseless all over the beach.

Olivia feigned to yawn. “Can you please get to the part where you two fuck, all of this is very sweet but is giving me diabetes.”

A crimson blush spread all upon her cheeks. “We actually haven’t done it yet.”

Maxwell almost spilled his coffee. “What? Drake Walker? According to my brother, he’s a man-whore!”

Alexis shrugged. “We have kissed, a lot, but nothing else.”

Olivia rolled her eyes. “Alexis for Christ sake! Don’t be such a fucking prude!”

Alexis threw her hands in the air “I’m not! I don’t know what he’s waiting for.” She checked her watch “Fuck! I’ll be late!”

Maxwell and Olivia exchanged an amused look. “When had you been on time before?”

She flipped them off and ran to catch the bus.

--------------------------------------------

It was a calm, summer night so the college pub where she worked wasn’t busy, only two tables and some guys hanging out in the bar with Dany, her coworker.

She checked her phone for the third time that night and sighed disappointed, he hadn’t answer to her text cancelling their date.

Lost in her thoughts, she barely heard the tinkling of the bell hanging above the front door. When she finally turned her head, she saw Drake standing next to it, looking at her.

Her heart immediately skipped a beat. “Hi, stranger. What are you doing here?”

He cut the distance between them in two steps, took her in his arms and kissed her. “I’ve missed that.”

She played with the collar of his shirt, inebriated by the smell of sandalwood. “Me too, Drake.”

If he was completely honest, not only he had missed her, but he had been incapable of thinking about anything else all day, and at that moment seeing her so beautiful, with her bright eyes looking so intently at him, he was about to melt. He kissed her again.

“I can’t go out tonight, though. I have to close the place.” She said softly still fluttered by his kiss.

He didn’t want to come out to strong but decided to be honest anyway. “I did get your text, Lex, I just don’t like the idea of you walking at night and taking the bus alone so late.”

She shrugged, she was used to it. “I’ve been doing it the whole year, Drake. I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can, just let me help you a little.” He brushed her face with his fingers. “I can come get you when you work late, and we can spend more time together.”

She looked at him touched, besides Max who gave her a ride whenever he could, no one else cared how she got back after a nightshift.  “Thank you.”

“Waitress!”

“Shit! I have to work. Wait for me at the bar, Daniel is actually pretty funny.” She winked. “and he knows his whiskey.”

She hurried to the table that was calling her. A group of college girls desperate to use their new ID’s. The rest of the night was calm, and Alexis could spare some moments to talk and laugh with Drake while he waited for her.

At one o’clock, they said good-bye to the last clients, Daniel headed home and Drake and Alexis stayed to close the bar.

“So, what do you want me to do?”

She leaned against the counter smiling shamelessly. “Really? You’re going to help me for free?”

He smirked trapping her with his arms against the counter “Who told you it was for free?” he leaned against her and softly kissed her lips. He inhaled her perfume enjoying her soft moans when his kiss became deeper and his fingers wandered all over her hips. “Fuck, you’re so sexy, Alexis”

The phone rang three times until they were able to break contact. She picked up and talked to her boss. When she hung up, they spend the next hour cleaning and sweeping the bar until it was ready to close.

She checked her watch. “I have to be home at three. My father knows at what time I close the bar, and it usually takes me more than an hour to get to the house.”

Drake arched his eyebrows. “So, he doesn’t come to pick you up, but you have a curfew?”

She nodded. “That’s pretty much it. He has a lot of ideas of what a well-behaved young lady can and cannot do.”

Drake was starting to strongly dislike the man.  “Well, we closed the bar way faster.” He encircled her with his arms. “and I’ll take you back in the jeep, so we have one hour for ourselves.” He upped her chin to him and kissed her cheek. “Aren’t you hungry?”

She was starving but it was past midnight, she would eat a bowl of cereal at her house. “Yes, but everything is closed.”

He gave her a conspiratorial look “This classy joint has a kitchen, right?”

She smiled. “Yes”

He offered her his arm. “Well, let’s cook something then.”

The night before, during their walk, she had told him she used to love Mac & Cheese when she was a little girl, so he looked for the ingredients in the pantry.

“Can I help you there, Walker?”

He nodded his head towards a chair. “You were working all night, O’Brien, it’s your turn to sit.”

She cocked an eyebrow. “O’Brien?”

“Well, you haven’t stop calling me Walker since I told you my last name the other night, turnabout’s a fair play.” He winked playfully.

Alexis watched him cook for her. They had spent the last four days getting to know each other, and she had loved every minute of it. She loved how attentive he was, how he seemed to remember every little thing she said. She loved that he walked around looking brooding and angry, but he was the kindest person she had never met. She loved how protected she felt with him, like never before.  

He loved animals, and great books but only liked boring music, he listened too much classic rock, and definitely needed more Latin songs in his playlist. His taste in movies was impeccable though, fan of Harry Potter and Tarantino.

Her mind drifted to the previous night, she shivered thinking about it, about the way he kissed her, desperate, passionate, wild but always a little gentle, she felt like he could read her mind and sensed exactly what she needed better than herself.  

He put two plates with Mac & Cheese in front of her and she clapped happy. “Drake! Mac & cheese! I love it.”

He had never met someone so full of life before, she seemed to enjoy every single minute of her life. He shrugged trying not to think how much he loved that about her. “It’s only pasta, O’Brien.”

“Well, I love it.” She placed her hand over his and he locked his gaze with hers before he leaned to kiss her.

The talked about their lives while they ate. Drake told her about his childhood with Bastien and Savanah. Bastien worked for Constantine, the Duke of Valtoria, one of the most powerful men in the country, and a personal friend of King Godfrey. He worked at their estate all the time, so Drake had practically grown up with Leo and Liam Rhys. Alexis already knew that his father had died protecting the duke and that his mother had left when he was barely twelve years old. She hated the woman.

“I’m sorry she left, Drake.”

“I’m not. She was never a good mother for me or Savvie. Bastien is the only parent I have now.”

She squeezed his hand. He changed the subject, the less he talked about Bianca Walker, the best.

They finished the rest of their meal in silence, both deep in thought. He looked at her and couldn’t help but admire the strength she irradiated, a sort of light she wasn’t even aware she had in her. He had never opened himself so deeply to someone else, not even Liam. If he was honest, she scared him to death, she held too much power over him, he cared for her too much already but seemed incapable to stay away. She woke in him so many…things in such a short amount of time, that it made him feel overwhelmed.

She got up and reached for his plate, but he stood up and pulled it away from her reach. “I'll wash the dishes… you worked all night.”

“And you cooked.” She grinned at him. “we’ll do them together.”

The cleaned the kitchen playing and laughing with each other.

“It’s late now, I should take you home.” Drake sounded disappointed.

She wiggled her brows giving him a mischievous smile. “I have another idea, come on.” She grabbed two tumblers from the kitchen and took his hand guiding him to the cellar under the kitchen.

“Where are we exactly, Lexie?”

“In Walker’s Paradise.” She laughed pointing at all the Whiskey bottles on the floor.

“Isn’t this going to get you in trouble?”

Alexis took a bottle from one of the cabinets and opened it, then she poured the amber liquid into the tumblers.

Drake smiled shaking his head. “You really like trouble, hein? Breaking the rules, out after curfew, all that”

She looped her arms around his neck. “Maybe you make me want to break them.”

He grinned down at her and kissed her. “You’re going to make me blush, O’Brien.”

She chuckled. “That I would love to see.”

They sat on the floor with their backs against the wall, Drake pulled her against him with his arm around shoulders.

He took a sip from his glass. “It’s not bad.”

“I know.” She took a big gulp as well.

Drake looked at her questioningly. “I spilled my guts about my family earlier, but you never talk about yours.”

She fiddled with one of the many bracelets she was wearing. “My father is very religious, very strict but that didn’t stop him from leaving my mom for Cindy. He has a lot of rules and ideas about how I’m supposed to live my life.” She gave a half shrug. “I’m used to it; I just need to get through college and I’m out of there.”

“I may be intrusive here Lex, but why do you need to work? You live in one of the best neighborhoods in Cordonia. I mean, you live next to the Beaumont.”

“Well, first, because my father has a lot of debts. Cindy, his wife, is obsessed to be part of Cordonia’s high society, so she wants to live in the best neighborhood and she only buys designer clothes, or when she can’t its replicas. And second, because my father hates my major, he thinks I’ll end up being a starving writer.” She laughed. “He’s probably right, but I don’t care.”

He shook his head taking her chin with his fingers. “You’ll be whatever you want to be, O’Brien.” He fixed his piercing eyes on hers. “You’re brave and passionate and I have no doubt you will get to be a fantastic writer.”

She blushed. “Thank you.”

She looked adorable when she blushed. He cleared his throat. “How about a toast, Lexie.”

“What’re we toasting to?”

“To the moments in between.” He grinned.

She looked puzzled. “Huh?”

“All the nobles or the people like Cindy or my mother think about are the big events, the banquets, the press events, the grand balls. They don’t even realize that the moments that matter the most are the ones they’re missing. Moments like right now, just the two of us and some cheap whiskey. The ones that really mean something.” He brushed her lips with his thumb. “At least they mean something for me, anyway.”

She rubbed his cheek with the back of her hand “To me too, Drake. More than you can imagine.” She raised her glass. “For the moments in between.”

He grinned. “For the moments in between.”

They both gulped down their glasses. She moved to lay on the floor with her head in his lap. He racked his fingers through her hair, looking down at her eyes, and thinking how much he was enjoying that moment, having her like that, her head casually on his lap.

He lowered his head and crashed his lips with hers, she was still holding her glass so he grabbed it and casually put it next to them, as he laid over her, kissing her more, moving his mouth from her soft lips to her chin, and then lower to her neck. He smelled her perfume and got lost on her. Alexis could barely think, he seemed to be everywhere around her, she felt his warm breath and his teeth softly biting her neck and felt like she was losing all control.

He stopped himself, he wasn’t going to do it there. She was a goddess, she deserved much, much more than a dirty cellar.

“What’s the matter Drake?”

He sat against the wall again but this time he scooped her in his arms and sat her in his lap, she looped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his chest, still trying to recover her breath.

“I can’t believe I’m the one saying this, O’Brien, but we should wait to be in a better place to do this”

He looked at her, she was four years younger than him. She seemed almost innocent one second and the next one her eyes were black, charged with lust. He cupped her face “Can I ask you something, Lexie? Something personal?” He asked not sure how to address the subject.

She blushed a deep shade of scarlet, guessing exactly what he wanted to know. “If you want to know if I’m a virgin, I’m not. I had a boyfriend the last year of high school.”

He tried to hide the fact that he was jealous of a guy she had dated more than one year ago. “Did you love him?”

“I used to believe that, but” She stopped in her tracks not knowing how to continue. “I don’t know anymore. We had a lot of fun. Everything was very nice.”

He smirked “Nice?”

She stood up angrily leaning her back against the wall. “Yes, nice. Is there a problem with nice, Walker?”

He stood up and pressed her against the wall, roaming her back with his hands, burying his head on her hair, so she’d feel his breath warm, his hoarse voice in her ear “Love is burning, Alexis.” He softly nipped her earlobe as he pressed her even more. She gasped as a million goosebumps appear all over her arms. “Love is consuming.” He kissed the spot between her ear and her neck, and she shivered, the urge for him almost painful. “Love is messy and desperate.” He buried his head even more kissing the nape of her neck “Love is not nice.” He crashed his mouth with her lips again. She was addictive.

JUNE 2015 

Alexis let herself get lost in her memory. That had been the day where she had fallen in love with him. Only five days after meeting him. Hearing his ideas, his views about the world. Seeing him taking care of her, making her feel so deeply safe. And getting lost in him, in his lips, his low voice, in the sandalwood. In the passion they shared for each other. Before closing her eyes and joining him for good, that was the image she’ll take with her. The image of the day she had lost her soul to Drake Walker.

APRIL 2019

Alexis’s eyes got lost in the clouds. She had always loved to fly, especially at that moment where the plane was so high, that the clouds were beneath them and the sun cast its light on them. She didn’t believe in anything, not anymore, but there in the heights, in the middle of the sky, she wondered, if maybe there was an afterlife, if maybe someday she would see him again.

Five years had passed, but the wound was still there, raw and ready to hurt, ready to pull her back to the abyss. She turned to look at Liam sleeping beside her. Now she had someone to fight for.

He had fallen asleep as soon as the plane had left the ground. He had to be exhausted; he worked really hard at making Valtoria the most productive duchy in Cordonia, and yet he managed to always be there for her when she needed him.

She was aware that the only reason he had left in the middle of the negotiations with the biggest export American company was because of her. Because of the date that was coming to haunt her. A warm feeling spread through her chest at the thought of all the things Liam had done for her. She took his hand between hers, careful not to wake him up.

Paris was beautiful in April. Alexis admired the blossoming trees and the warmth, spring light bathing the majestic buildings while they walked hand in hand.

Liam knew that the next weeks were going to get difficult, especially at the beginning of the next month, his birthday, so he wanted to distract her as much as he could, showing her his favorite city. He wasn’t naïve; he knew nothing he did was going to erase that day, but he was going to try and do anything in his power to bring her some joy. After all, they had been friends for nine years and together for almost two; he thought he knew her well enough to know what could make her happy.  

“What would you think if I took you for some macarons?”

She grinned. “I love Ladurée.”

He shook his head, smiling. “See, everyone thinks the best French macarons are those from Chez Ladurée, but they’re the most famous ones. The best ones are the ones prepared by the chef Pierre Hermé.”

“Lead the way then.” She took his arm and they walked together through the Parisian streets. Every now and then, Liam would show her a small boutique or a gallery that he knew she’d enjoy. They passed the Orsay Museum and the Louvre, and he promised her they would go the next day. Alexis was dying to see the impressionist collection. When they crossed the Pont-Saint Michel, he took her to the Quai de Tournelle, the little quay in Paris where dozens of second-hand booksellers sold their finds at small prizes.

Alexis beamed, truly happy for the first time in days. “Li, this is perfect; I can’t imagine the thousands of first editions or old books that are hiding in here.”

His heart swelled, seeing her smiling. “I knew you would like it, my love.”

She stepped up on her tiptoes and kissed him. “I love it.”

After they walked for a while, they finally arrived at the Teahouse, and Alexis had to admit that they were the best macarons she had ever eaten.

“What now, Mr. Frenchman?”

He cupped her face and kissed her. “I have a surprise for you. Just wait here.”

He left her for a moment to prepare his surprise. When he came back a few minutes later, he spotted her leaning against a stone railing overlooking the Seine River. Her expression was clouded, but when she saw him approach her, she broke into a smile.

He cut the distance between them and wrapped her in a tight embrace. She rested her head on his shoulder.

“Are you all right, darling?  He smiled down at her.

“Better now that you’re here, but I can’t stop thinking about everything.”

“I know, Alexis. I’m here now.” He took her hand, joining her at the railing. They spent a long moment holding hands, gazing across the river.

“It’s so quiet,” Alexis said, placing her hair behind her ear “It feels like the whole city is sleeping, like we’re the last humans on earth.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

She shook her head. “No, a little bit of peace is very welcomed.”

“I’m very glad you think so, love. Come here.”

He led her further along the bridge, where she saw a basket sitting on the paving stones. He pulled a small blanket from the basket and spread it out before her.

He saw her astonished expression, so he explained. “I know picnics are not my favorite activity, but I knew you were going to like it. Besides, you’re the one telling me I should be more adventurous.”

She laughed. “I don’t know if a picnic in Paris counts as an adventure, but ...” She caressed his cheek. “You’re right, I love it.”

They settled down on the blanket as he uncorked an expensive bottle of Chateau Margaux, and Alexis pulled some cheeses, bread, and a couple of glasses out of the basket.

“I want to make a toast for us, Lex-“ He cleared his throat. “Alexis, sorry. I forgot.”

Her heart skipped a beat at the mention of her old nickname. “It’s fine, Li. Don’t worry. I just hate to hear it” He took her chin in his fingers and kissed her.

“I know, love. Let’s forget about it. I wanted to toast to us, to our life together”

She raised her glass.

“Thank you for everything.” She looked in his eyes. “I mean everything, Liam. The sacrifice you’re going to make for me.” Her eyes watered. “I can’t believe it.”

He placed his hand on hers. “There’s no sacrifice, love. I’ll do it because I’m crazy about you, and the only thing I want in life is to be with you. I just wish you knew how much I love you, Alexis.”

He stroked her face and kissed her softly, gently caressing her back with his hands.

After a moment of kissing next to the river, they started eating their delicacies.

Liam observed his fiancée, unsure of how to address the subject. “We’re getting married in two months, love.”

She nodded, smiling. “I’m aware of it, Li.”

“So, you’re also aware that you can’t postpone it anymore. We can go together if you want. You need … closure.”

“Do we have to talk about it now?”

“You never want to talk about it, Alexis. It’s time.”

“I promise, I’ll take care of it as soon as we arrive in Cordonia.”

He nodded, unconvinced; she had made him the same promise several weeks ago.

He just hoped that after everything that had happened and the guilt he carried with him every day, he was going to be able to marry her and make her happy for the rest of their lives.

[thanksjro]

Eugenesis, an Overview: Let Me Get Weirdly Serious About This Book For A Sec

HOLY SHIT WHAT A RIDE.

So, let’s recap what we’ve learned over the last 282 pages.

In 2001, James Roberts published nearly 300 pages of fictional prose, based in the established franchise of Transformers, specifically the Marvel UK comic continuity. This novel tells the story of the Transformers, in their dwindling numbers, being attacked, not by their opposing factions, but by an outside force hellbent on revenge. Those who are captured by this force- the Quintessons- are stripped of their very individuality, forced into servitude until the moment they die of exhaustion. Everyone is pushed to- and in some cases beyond- their limits, the horrors of a literal genocide beating down on them like a tidal wave. Only by casting aside their differences and banding together can they hope to survive the nightmare that is the Eugenesis Wars.

But people don’t really talk about all that, even though it’s a majority of what the book’s about. No, people only talk about what happens after the Quintessons are defeated. People only talk about the robots getting pregnant, because honestly it is the most bizarre thing.

Not because the idea itself is terribly odd- I mean, at least it’s in line with the lore the comics set up. It’s bizarre in how we get to that point. All the torture, all the suicide and death and depression and destruction of entire belief systems, leads up to these robots getting pregnant. Almost like that was the whole point. And considering that this story is presenting to us a bridge for the gap between the classic Transformers and the Beast-Era ones, it could have very well been.

I won’t say fetish, because that doesn’t feel quite right, but our dear author seems to have a sort of… obscene fascination with the concept of mechpreg. A fascination that will carry on well into his career as a professional comic scriptwriter, setting readers on edge for the duration of his run with IDW.

Comparing Eugenesis to More Than Meets The Eye and Lost Light, you get an interesting view of Roberts’ growth, as both a writer and a human being. Eugenesis is the work of what Billy Joel might call an "angry young man”, focusing on the despair of wartime and the futility of one’s struggle against the flow of time and mortality. The theme of time only being perceived as linear, and being in actuality an unending plane where all moments are equal and eternal might seem oddly specific, but it’s reflected upon by multiple characters within the story of Eugenesis. Perhaps this is why he has Brainstorm and Perceptor collectively and completely jack up time itself in the Elegant Chaos storyline.

Character moments sprinkled throughout the narrative give us a glimpse of the relationships that would be written later on- some of the most compelling scene writing happens between Quark and Rev-Tone, two original characters who have such a delightful dynamic between them, they very quickly became some of my favorites. You truly believe that they care so strongly for one another, they would do just about anything to keep the other safe. And they do, in a couple cases.

Then there’s all the death. There’s a lot of death in Eugenesis, and none of it is by way of natural causes- you’ve either got suicide, murder, or suicide-by-way-of-murder. You really see Roberts shine in these death scenes, both then and now, as he captures the utter, raw tranquility as one stares down their own demise, and on the other side of the coin, the complete annihilation of one’s very heart as someone they love is destroyed. It’s downright poetic how he handles these scenes.

Still, there is a difference in how the aftermath is handled. When someone dies in the MTMTE/LL run, there’s always meaning and purpose to it- nobody dies just to die, and those who are left behind are left at least something to comfort them.

A message of love.

The return of a friend.

A chance to keep living.

A chance to be a better person.

You don’t get that in Eugenesis. In most cases, there’s no salve for the wound, only more hurting. There’s no time to even mourn, as the fight rages on and on and on. Any happiness pulled from the narrative for the characters is laced with a bittersweet understanding that these folks probably aren’t going to make it, and they’re just as aware of that fact as the reader is.

And yet there’s something kind of beautiful about that, in a twisted sort of way.

Eugenesis is a sort of love letter to those dark thoughts hiding in our heads, those deeply scary intrusive visions of everything we care about being ripped away from us. It’s a book make up of catharsis, of hurting that begs for some sort of outlet. The characters in this story are lost, and scared, and hollowed out before the mass extinction even arrives, and are put through wringer after wringer, like some sort of distanced facsimile of self-harm.

Perhaps I’m reading a bit too into this, but with how intense things get, with self-insert characters no less, I can’t help but wonder if the James Roberts who was writing Eugenesis truly needed this outlet in more than just a creative sense.

Which isn’t to say that there aren’t issues with this novel just because it was a vessel for catharsis. Pacing can end up going so rapidly it feels as if you’re being pushed towards the edge of a cliff, then stutter to a halt to the point where continuing on feels like an absolute slog. But it always seems just as you’re about to put the thing down and give up, something completely thrilling, completely insane and powerful and profoundly attention-grabbing happens, pulling you right back in. If nothing else, this book demands one’s attention.

There are also some other, more interesting issues with Eugenesis. Issues I wasn’t really expecting to run into. To highlight one such issue, we’re going to play a game.

The game is called Guess That Character Design!

Hey Transformers fandom, got a new quandary for y’all to fight over. Forget the Frenzy/Rumble color debate, forget the Bombshell/Skywarp is Cyclonus debate, it’s time for the What The Actual Everloving Fuck Is Quark Supposed To Look Like debate! Do we follow the comic and its script, which show him as being either about on par with Rev-Tone and Mirage or taller, but fails to note any sort of color because it’s in black-and-white? Or do we follow the novel, which states he’s short exactly once, and crimson? And if he’s red, where did the blue paint chips come from in Part Five? They sure didn’t come from Rev-Tone, who I know is mostly red- not because the novel told me, but because I’ve seen art of him outside of this. Honestly, other than him having big honkin’ shoulders and a bust to match, nothing about Quark’s visual aesthetic is concrete.

Now, I could tell you all about his quirks and mannerisms, how he holds himself, how he talks, how he interacts with others, all sorts of stuff. Nothing wrong with the writing there, characterization’s great! I just couldn’t tell you for the life of me how his body is supposed to look. Rev-Tone’s in the same boat, except it’d be even worse without the helpful input of some friends. Did you know he has a visor? Because I sure as shit didn’t until someone showed me. It’s never mentioned in the book. You can barely see it in the prequel comic art if you’re looking for it, and the script is less than helpful to me because I’m not Matt friggin’ Dallas, nor have I had the pleasure of reading Transtrip. All the information presented in the novel about his looks involves his mouth.

Hell, some of the writing in Eugenesis seems to imply that he actually just has normal eyeballs.

What I’m getting at here is that Roberts leans a bit too much on the reader knowing exactly as much as he does about the characters, the plot points, the lore. And he knows A LOT about Transformers.

This book essentially requires the reader to have the wiki open with multiple tabs at all times. Roberts put his heart and soul into the prose, but the world-building had his nerdy little brains smeared all over it, because there are some obscure references in here, not to mention the sci-fi jargon. You basically NEED an internet connection to get through this- I’ve never read a novel that pretty much forbid an acoustic reading, but here it is, in all its glory.

Eugenesis is a dark, morbid, conflicted story with the oddest little bright spots in it. Within five pages, you’ll go from some of the most horridly bleak death scenes to someone accidentally burning a hole in their hand like a cartoon character. But never once, in nearly 300 pages, does it ever stop trying. It may not succeed in what it’s attempting 100% of the time, but goddamn does it go as hard as it can. This isn’t something that was done for money, or fame, or anything like that. Eugenesis is a passion project in the purest sense, and you can really feel it in the way it’s been crafted. For all the frustration it put me through, never once did I think “man, this guy just doesn’t care.” The ambition Roberts shows in the prose, in the world-building, in all the funny little moments that show just so much personality within the story, truly were harbingers for what was to come just a decade later.

Ambitious. Bleak. Brutal. Weird. Ultimately unforgettable. That’s James Roberts’ Eugenesis.

But let’s get to the heart of the matter, shall we? The one question that truly matters for any novel: is it worth reading?

Well, that depends.

If you had a hard time with the darker parts of MTMTE/LL, I really couldn’t recommend that you read Eugenesis. You will have an awful time, because most of it is Grindcore x100 levels of depressing and brutal. There were a couple points where I had to take a break because things got so intense- and I’m not exactly squeamish. Maybe stick to a breakdown- like this one!- or try a group read-along. Friends make everything better, after all.

If you like Roberts work and want to see where he came from, like I did, I highly recommend you find a copy- digital of course, there are only a few hundred physical copies in existence. I recommend you find the 2nd edition, which includes Telefunken and fixes some of the more glaring continuity mistakes and typos.

It’s a good read. Just... it’s a lot at times.

Like, a lot.

Up next-

Oh, what? You didn’t think that was it, did you? This url is way too sweet to just be done with so soon.

Next, I’ll be taking a gander at Children of a Lesser Matrix, which is something that was never finished by Roberts, but is still floating around the internet because hey! It’s the internet.

If anyone has any other somewhat obscure writings from JRo, feel free to send them my way. Especially if you have any of the TMUK zines from back in the day. I wish to consume all the works.

[zampanobra]

An Elegy For Cyberpunk

The genre isn't gone, but the silver lining sure is.

William Gibson's Neuromancer is one of those books that I can't remember ever not having read. But I do remember that it wasn't long after I read it that I was introduced to Shadowrun, which quickly supplanted D&D as my go-to RPG. I'm not sure how well I understood what was going on in the plot, and was probably too young to understand a lot of what was going on. (Later on, when I started to understand self-loathing, it made a lot more sense.)

Even then, I loved the world, the technology, and the aesthetic. Gibson is fantastic at showing an entire scene through a couple of hints. He doesn't lean into a lot of what we've come to think of as "cyberpunk" aesthetic, and I prefer his much more understated settings more than a lot of his more over-the-top progeny.

Aside from how it looks, though, a common trope is its focus on people on the fringes of society--the "low life" going along with the "high tech." It's not always criminals, although these lines get a tad blurry due to the increasing corporate dominance that is another common trope of the setting. This is even more the case in the Shadowrun RPG, where your characters ("runners") are mercenaries for hire by all the corporations vying for an edge, where law enforcement has itself been privatized, and where governments' roles in their citizens' daily lives are steadily eroding. (Although a dragon is elected president of one of the major North American countries, so there is that.)

Those familiar with this setting and the tropes associated with it may have raised an eyebrow when I said that there was a silver lining associated with cyberpunk. I'd even venture to say there's an actual optimism in many of these stories.

The Cyber Trickles Downhill

There's a public intellectual of sorts named Eliezer Yudkowsky who started a ~~cult~~ website called LessWrong, and who talks a lot about technology, science, and what-not. He has various "laws" attributed to him, one of which is that "Every eighteen months, the minimum IQ necessary to destroy the world drops by one point." The idea is that, over time, increasingly powerful technology will be in the hands of everyday people. It's kind of like the cliché about how we all walk around with smartphones that are orders of magnitude more powerful and capable than the computers used to send people to the Moon.

Unfortunately, this is not how it generally works out. When better computers and connectivity end up in people's hands, so does a great deal of capture: DRM, surveillance (both corporate and governmental), monopolization, and more recently the move to software-as-a-service (where you have to pay a subscription to keep using something on your personal devices). You can get around much of these, but only but devoting significant time and effort to doing so, and you may often have to do without some aspects of those services. It's rarely going to be as convenient as the more intrusive version, and in some cases you may be outright prevented from communicating with people without using it. And this is without getting into situations where your information is turned over to third parties without your even having an option. In my own life, two of our doctors' offices use third-party portals that include some aspect of record keeping, schools and daycare facilities use them, and I'm of course subject to any of the national things like credit reporting agencies.

Meanwhile, things like artificial limbs and the like have generally made their greatest advances in times of war. Prosthetics in at least some form go back to Ancient Egypt, but a formal industry focused on their production would not come into being until far later. In the United States, it was the Civil War that would drastically increase demand, with thousands of amputees surviving the war and seeking prosthetic limbs: one study estimated that 70,000 men lost limbs during the war. Part of this was the development of the Minié ball, a more modern bullet that caused more irregular wounds to flesh and was heavy enough to shatter bone. Medical science being what it was, doctors generally decided that amputation was a better approach than trying to piece the patient's body back together. After the war, the federal government created the means for the prosthetic boom by agreeing to provide prosthetics for any veteran who needed them.

One veteran, James Hanger (who had himself lost most of a leg) was dissatisfied with the available options, and so developed an artificial leg that hinged and was shaped more like a human leg. He went on to establish the American Artificial Limb Company after the war (which still exists as Hanger, Inc.). Mass production of artificial limbs wouldn't come about for another 60 years or so. Nonetheless, this next development was again spawned by the same combination of factors: a massive conflict leaving thousands upon thousands of amputees (World War I in this case) combined with the federal government providing the money. (War is, indeed, a racket.)

Little seems to have changed into the present, when it's now the perpetual wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, combined with military-oriented welfare programs being the only ones not under constant attack by austerity.

So it is that cyberpunk's dream of widespread limb replacements seems unlikely without coming on the heels of years of additional thousands of traumatic amputees and billions of dollars in subsidies. Under our current system, after all, there is no incentive to continue improvements to artificial limbs without government footing the bill, and the government in turn seems largely unwilling to pay attention to the needs of its citizens that don't have any connection to the military.

The other technologies that epitomize the cyberpunk genre are equally captured. All the improvements to computer technology in the world don't help without the infrastructure to connect them to each other, and service providers have made sure that they can maintain their monopolies (the lucky few have two options). So it is that we get things like data caps, which Comcast introduced for its customers just a few days ago as of this writing, during a time of pandemic when more and more people are reliant on broadband internet access to work and go to school.

In a similar vein, computer and communications technology has become only selectively easier to use. The basics are much simpler, to be sure, but the kinds of things depicted in cyberpunk--hacking and maintaining some semblance of privacy to name two prime examples--are harder and harder. Privacy in particular requires a near constant battle against the hydra of corporate interests that are constantly trying to chip away at it. And not just in terms of taking data itself, but even the expectation of privacy.

Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube--they're all predicated on making us share. And of course we do exactly that. Why wouldn't we? We have an innate need for community and connection. But just as advertisers long ago figured out that they could turn our own wiring against us, so-called social networks (anti-social networks?) took our desire for connecting with other people and purified it until it became a freebase. It's difficult to avoid and even harder to quit.

It takes money, knowledge, and work to even slightly escape, and even then it's not really possible unless you happen to only interact with similar privacy-minded folk or cut yourself off from society entirely. It takes almost nothing to be entirely mapped.

Meanwhile, the task is made that much harder by the fact that it's not entirely clear why our data is worth anything. The conventional wisdom is that it's for targeted advertising, but I have to wonder if that's actually worth anything anymore. Then again, it could be completely ineffective but still something companies want to do, since marketing believes that someone has to see a product multiple times before they'll actually seek it out. Plus, there's always the possibility of Facebook et al. cooking the books, as they did in the case of view counts on videos some years back.

Regardless, this lack of knowledge makes it harder for us, because we can't target our defenses. We don't have a clear idea of what's valuable and what isn't, what data is already out there and what data is still being sought. We can't, for example, make digital chaff to flood the collectors with junk.

Chains of Chrome

I'm told that essays should have some part of the author in them, and I can't help but notice that this approach--intertwining personal anecdote with the overall point--is used all over the world. Maybe it's a matter of not getting outside my own writing, but it seems to me that simply what I'm writing and how says more about me than talking about the smells in the bookstore where I bought my first copy of Neuromancer, or some story about my relationship with the friend who introduced me to Blade Runner. I personally have more faith in readers than that.

Having written what I have already, is it really surprising to know that what draws me to the genre more than anything is freedom? It may seem strange to associate freedom with the extremely powerful corporate entities and material conditions of most cyberpunk. But notice, these stories don't focus on the corporate bureaucrat trapped in a structure they'll never escape. Instead, it's the technologically-enhanced ronin, whether their particular weapons are blades or computer viruses. They ultimately answer to no one but themselves, and can generally find a way to live their own lives within the cracks in the business edifice. Sure, drama demands that this not always be true in some way, even if it's as simple as the criminal's reputation.

It's not difficult, then, to see the appeal. I have no skills to sell even if there were still a market for such things (instead of credentials). Mercenaries are rightly outcast, since chances are they'll be put to worse use than even a state-sponsored military. There's a reason that Blackwater has had to change its name two or three times by now.

Cyberpunk allows us all of the freedom of a new frontier by finding that frontier within an existing structure. Its characters aren't constrained the way we are in our daily lives, and can overcome both human nature and human society through the technology available to them. What is now considered experimental or only the purview of DARPA is to them a child's toy, with far better ready for purchase on the streetcorner.

In many ways, cyberpunk is a product of its time, when technology seemed to offer at least as much possibility as threat. Now, we don't really trust technology to be enough. We see the slow-motion apocalypse of climate change and don't believe that we can invent our way out of it; recognizing that even if the device existed, someone would figure out how to capture its benefits. I'm not sure it'll be anything so stark as having clean cities and then a burned wasteland surrounding them, but we'll only be saved to the extent that we're useful.

Cyberpunk showed us an increasing commodification of our lives, but even those imaginations couldn't foresee the degree to which this would be true, while they simultaneously underestimated its subtlety. The trackers on every website that form pieces of the economic puzzle that is ourselves feel too small to fight, and so we sell ourselves in a thousand pieces. Even being a corporate spy in a future dystopia is more honest.

[prairiedust]

I’m attempting a rewatch ahead of the Final Seven-- I’ve made it to 15x05 Proverbs 17:3 and guh. This is an episode that Chuck ostensibly Authored but the folklore themes I pinged on in season 14 are so freaking loud!

The cold open shows us three golden-locked girls camping in the woods-- ding ding ding threes again! They make three toasts, one of which (the last, of course) sets the third young woman apart as a “downer.” (“Of the three potential vessels, Ashley had the best hair”) This merging of Authorship with the reemergence of magical “threes” is important at a time when the Season Plot surfaces for the brothers.

(Even the tent is gingham. Seriously.)

“Ashley,” it turns out, is the only one to escape, even though it’s clear that she doesn’t actually do anything differently from her friends other than be slightly more practical about leaving the tent-- she ends up running through the woods being chased by the werewolf brothers, too. It’s only Andy’s “mercy” in the woods that ensures she lives. When we get to the bros, Dean asks about the three prior mountain lion victims. Three times Dean catches crap for using old photos on their new fish and wildlife identification cards (which, btw, except that he made up new aliases for himself and Sam, he might as well have used their old cards from Wendigo? Then asserts that “nothing has changed” which begs the question. What has? is that… foreshadowing?)

Maybe the three’s hearkening back to folklore is a statement that all stories come from ur-story-- every one of Chuck’s Ultimate Stories end in “brothers killing each other.” That’s his favorite motif, and it’s something that finally gets verbalized for the Winchesters after seeing it play out with some of Chuck’s auxiliary cast. 

Everything in this episode is so ridiculously staged-- the campers are wearing “camping costumes” and are in a tent that looks like it was made by LL Bean to resemble a tent. the sheriff’s office looks like the Smoky Mountains Sugarlands visitors center, the hospital is too open, empty, and pristine, Ashley dresses later like an American Doll while wearing the yellow neckerchief of the BSOA “Wolf Scout” of all things,* and her name is evocative of “Ashputtel,” a German Cinderella. The cabin with the cute blue shutters evokes a fairy tale cottage.

(Those shutters are Quaint.)

I mean, starting with 15x01 everything on screen has looked weird-- shot compositions are gorgeous in some places, weird in others, signage seems too on point, even the proliferation of blossoms in Harlan is over-the-top-- but this ep is strange squared. The hotel! The hotel in which Dean mysteriously falls asleep-- dun dun DUN-- is called The Sleepy Bear Inn, and that evokes/subverts the story of Goldilocks, but also serves as a callback to Tombstone where Cas tells us that Dean is “an angry sleeper, like a bear.” Later, Dean mysteriously falls asleep…. hmm.

(Fwiw, a sleepy bear used to be the mascot of Travelodge. I love the way this show side-eyes real life stuff.)

(This might be my favorite still from the entire episode.)

I found all of the antler symbolism to be really, really loud, as well-- on the wallpaper of the Sleepy Bear there were rams, a stag, pronghorn antelope, (all animals with built-in weaponry) and then finally a bear depicted in little vine-covered shields ….

(All ungulates and one dude looking in a mirror.)

(All ungulates and one bear. Also, I love the midcentury national parks vibe of that wallpaper.)

Then at the were-brothers’ cabin, the red painted and taro-covered walls were saturated with antlers on wooden plaques (totally shield shaped) and various taxidermy (note the fish on the yellow wall)…

(Those antler lamps were ugly but also looked like hands holding lights in their palms.)

...a set of which Dean even attempts to use as a weapon and upon which later “Ashley” is accidentally impaled. (I apologize for the crappy screengrab lol.)

(Antlers are an ungulate’s own handmade weaponry...)

Now Sam, with his visceral wound-connection to “the Author,” is able to pick up on the weirdness, but on a preconscious kind of level. It’s weird that the sheriff goes right to “monster.” It’s weird that they pick up the brothers’ trail so quickly. The brothers act weird when confronted. And weirdly, Dean falls asleep and the were-brothers spirit “Ashley” away.

The fight scene in the cabin is interesting, too. Ashley!Lilith clings to a bookcase while the Winchesters fight the weres, of all the things to do. The only books with titles that I can make out are-- hilariously-- ComparingTheories of Child Development and Elementary Composition. In fact, a few of the books look like they were put on the shelf upside down as well as sideways-- carelessly, because they’re “just scenery.” The production team often uses these older books sans book jackets on sets like, “here are some books.” But sometimes they’re funny [LINK]. Anyway, there are several reaction shots of “Ashley” literally climbing the bookcase as the brothers fight one another. Also, Lilith is literally scaling a symbol of Authorship to stay out of the fray-- subtext that makes her reveal later as Chuck’s agent very satisfying.

(I get that she couldn’t run with all of the Heroic Fighting going on, but she’s also weirdly exposed. Also, as a parent, I was acutely aware of how tippy that thing looks, haha.)

Dean is the one who is most heavily influenced by the Author in this episode-- it is he who brings the corny Fish and Wildlife costumes, he who is interviewed and manipulated by Lilith, and he who is literally put to sleep in the Sleepy Bear Inn. However, he is surrounded by an aura of “wildlife”-- visual symbols like fish, bear, stags, antelope, moose, and wolves. 

Again, visual shenanigans, we have a bear screening the shot inside the motel room-- then we immediately see Dean and Lilith coming through a red door that is marked with an “exit plan.” While certainly in keeping with Spn’s tradition of funky motels that usually explicate some aspect of the setting, again this one feels, like the trueform sleepy bear outside, gently aggressive.

(Is this a bear cub? Does it make anyone else thing of Smokey the Bear’s origin story?)

(Is it just me, or does that hospitality table tent look like Dean’s “I wuv hugs” shirt from DSOTM?)

There’s also an element to the production of this episode that might be mimicking “Chuck’s Wounded Writing,” like “The Winchesters pull up to a quaint, run-down cabin, which was decorated with the usual antlers, taxidermy, and old books,” so you get a rundown cabin with cute shutters and yes, antlers inside it, or “The walls of the murder room dripped with blood, and various tools hung menacingly from the ceiling racks,” and if you look, there are just like ball peen hammers and animal traps and shit hanging up in there lol. I believe there is even a scythe. Josh is going to kill “Ashley” with a tomahawk, of all things. The word “proverb” means “words put forth.” Details that typically get filled in with whatever the matrix of reality can churn up were Described ™  and that had ramifications in the product of the text. I just can’t help thinking of Chuck just, wording the hell out of his story. 

The whole episode, as the text we’re experiencing, gave us the same sense of hyper-reality that was goosing Sam.

It isn’t until they are back at the Bunker that the brothers are free for the moment from Chuck’s Writing. Here, figures of speech and writing conventions take on different meanings. For instance, the roles that the car and the bunker play as settings in the overall “story” of Supernatural are made really explicit-- the Impala is the setting for the emotional debriefing that we had in the previous episode (which shines a light on Lilith’s conversation with Dean on the way to the Sleepy Bear Inn) but it isn’t until they get back to the Bunker in Proverbs that they can apply Logical Communication and Dean tells Sam what Lilith told him, and then Sam comes to understand that he has A Connection with Chuck.

(Look at all the books under the lampshade, in a scene where Dean and Sam finally figure out the plot of the season. Visually, this show is just bonkers.)

I just wanted to sort of map out where the folklore themes were possibly appearing before moving on to 15x06 Golden Time where we get that beautiful Orpheus and Eurydice allusion and move into more mythic territory. Like Dean himself says in the next episode, we don’t know where Chuck’s Writing ends and the freeplay of his characters begins. Golden Time seems like a welcome respite from the advance of the mytharc, but everything is called into question later. This whole season reminds me of this poem-- if you read it straight through, it feels absolutely apocalyptic, but upon reflection, the previous half of a line makes sense once you see the first half of the line below it. I think that structurally, this season is brilliant like that.

So this is where the Winchesters are at-- Chuck still somehow has strings on them. While that connection goes to an unknown degree in both directions, they’re back at square one-- no family, no friends, no allies, no arc ahead of them but fratricide. 

On to Golden Time...

*My brother was, at one time, a wolf scout, and I went to the interwebs to verify that the wolf scarves were indeed yellow like I remembered, only to find out that interestingly BSOA changed the wolf scout neckerchief to red last September. Also at one time in the near past generic scout bandanas were yellow. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[frustratedpker]

Some thoughts and analysis on Clarabelle and Horace

I wanted to write this for a long time!

Buckle up guys, this is gonna be long!

As you probably know if you ‘re following my blog, I am a big fan of the series Pippo Reporter (Goofy reporter) written by Teresa Radice and illustrated by Stefano Turconi.

For those who are not familiar with the saga, it’s a series of stories that take place in 1930′s America revolving around the life of Goofy who works as a reporter with the narrative building up and leading to his first meeting with Mickey.

The stories feature the usual cast of characters but what I find fascinating is that not all relationships are established in the beginning of the story. (e.x Goofy and Mickey haven’t met yet, the Phantom Blot hasn’t become the Phantom yet...). I could even dare call it a prequel of the ‘cannon’ events.

Here’s where Claire and Horace come in! I ‘ll attempt to present a chronicle of their relationship, along with some analysis and the reasoning of why I find their ship so well written in this particular saga.

Let’s start with the first story!

In the first story “Cronista per caso” both characters are introduced seperately.

Horace is in this series the introverted mayor of the city and Minnie’s boss as she’s his secretary at the town hall.

Claire is a fortune teller, a friend of Minnie whose advice she seeks in tricky situations. In the first story Minnie particularly seeks her advice for a matter concerning Horace and her job and Claire is happy to assist her.

Now, disney fans usually know that these characters are in most stories portrayed as engaged or in a relationship, so in this scene it’s established that in this narrative they don’t know each other (yet).

But for readers not so familiar with the disney canon (as I was when I first read the story) who don’t know that Claire and Horace are meant to be together, this scene still establishes them as two individuals associated with the main characters.

In both cases though, a link is made subconsciously between Claire and Horace, forming a base on which their relationship will be built.

As concerning the plot, this is the moment when Claire first hears about Horace who -as he’s the mayor- undoubtedly has heard of before (if not voted for) and she has her first glimpse in his private life through Minnie’s sayings. It’s a nice starting point in this episode for their subplot to begin.

In the second story, “Vasetto sospetto’‘, Claire and Horace don’t appear at all so I won’t bother examine this one.

In the third story though, “Crociera con ghiaccio”, we have the next clue.

“ [Mickey] won’t be able to attend [the cruise], he is very busy with his work! Claire, a friend of Minnie, will replace him (...). I could have taken Horace with me but he’s the mayor and mayors always have many things to do”

Once again Claire and Horace don’t interact and once again a link is made between them by reffering to them in such a way.

Here we are presented with a motif which is very important in “Pippo reporter”. The motif of ‘failed meeting’ as I call it. It has been established in previous stories that main characters (mainly Mickey and Goofy) had had many chances to meet all of which failed in the last moment.

Some other examples:

The reader, knowing by experience that those meetings are the most important plot points and meant to be epic (everybody knows that Goofy is Mickey’s best friend) now applies the same motif to Horace and Claire, even if they are not familiar with them.

Progress is also made in the fourth story, “Finale di campionato”

Here we learn Horace’s fascination with baseball and the whole plot revolves around him looking almost identical to his favourite baseball player, practically being his clone.

Horace ends up taking his idol’s place in the championship after the athlete’s mysterious disappearence.

Where has this player gone to?

At Claire’s aunt’s farm in the countryside trying to escape his overwhelming life as a sports celebrity!

“And he’s not at all ugly, isn’t he?” rushes to comment Claire upon first setting eyes on him.

That’s what I call forshadowing!

And her physical attraction to him persists on the entirety of the story. The first solid base is set for her later meeting with Horace and her -now undoubtful- falling for him.  At this point, even for not disney connaisseurs, it becomes evident that Claire will be Horace’s love interest.

Their official meeting happens in the fifth story, “La perla del fiume”!

I think that all necessary setting up has been established from previous episodes and now we are finaly ready -and curious- to witness their meeting!

Goofy: Oh, I haven’t introduced you! Claire, this is...

Claire: Our first citizen, Horace Horse, so mysteriously intruguing!

Goofy: And she is...

Horace: Claire la Belle, fascinatingly charming woman and fortune teller!

The attraction is instant and evident! A “love at first sight” that is actually believable. Why that? Because proper setting up has preceeded. It’s not the sudden ‘‘love montage’‘ that we ‘d get form a disney movie (I’m not accusative, I actually love them).

I can’t actually find a scene from the saga that explains how Horace already had heard of her, but with some guessing and common logic, I can assume that either Minnie or Goofy (who by now are his close friends) would have surely mentioned Claire to him and her involvement in some of their previous adventures.

It’s really realistic how they came together, getting to know each other through mutual friends.

Hoarce: You have a lovely hand!

Claire: Yours isn’t quite bad either! Would you mind me reading it sooner or later?

Horace: I would also have you read me your phone number!

Claire: What a brilliant idea! I always loved giving numbers!

They’re meant to be! (poor Goofy third wheeling)

I love how from the first moment they can’t get their eyes from each other.

There’s no more to say! They are so cute!

And they soon, almost at once confess their feelings to their friends (tbh Horace does try but Goofy is kinda oblivious, Minnie on the other hand is much more in sync).

And there is obviously a ball which they attend together:

I really like how Turconi makes sure to make their love so evident throughout the story’s events, event at a paranoic degree, just to show how in love they are:

I ‘m sure someone’s getting their ears chopped off in that fight but they keep dancing serenely. And poor Goofy just ... exists there (I feel you fam)

Claire: They have stopped playing the music...

Horace: Does it matter? Your voice is music to my ears!

I don’t know the bodycount of that fight, but good for them!

Claire: May I have this last dance under the moonlight?

Also Claire: May I also have this last dance under the sunlight?

And that concludes the ball and starts their relationship (dating at this point to be precise)

I particularly find the story’s ending very touching:

Horace: *spotting the motorcycle* Would you mind ... ?

Claire: Are you kidding?

Claire: It’s so romantic!!!

At the very next story (”Un ombrello, un capello, un monello”)  they’re already a couple:

The romance reaches its peak in “La piuma d’ oro” in which they get officially engaged and have their first (shown) kiss. This is actually the core of the whole episode and their relationship is for the first time, not a sideplot, but the actual plot.

[     you will excuse me but I sadly don’t have any pics from this story

                            have this little heart instead --> <3    ]

Their sideplot may have already concluded in “La piuma d’ oro”, but them being a couple now gains a plot forwarding role.

Claire: But what are you doing?

Horace: Making your dream come true my treasure!

In “Quel faro sui monti del lago” the characters find themselves entangled in another adventure only because Horace takes them on vacation in the place where Claire dreams to go (get you a rich mayor for fiance ladies)

And it’s time for their relationship to have its first test! While on vacation they meet this beautiful German (who **spoiler** turns out to be a spy)

Instant dislike! (I still prefer Silvia Ziche’s designs of displaying jealousy but Turconi gave us this fashionably annoyed Clarabelle so I can’t argue)

It was about time for them to endure jealousy. As in real relationships after some while not everything is seen through rose tinted glasses.

Still, everything turns out okay, leading to their last appearence together in the saga in the final story, “ Il rustico cavallerizzo”.

Minnie: The mayor has just arrived in the box of honour!

Lady: Let me see! Let me see! Is he in sweet company?

That’s how we leave them, together, officialy a couple and happy!

In conclusion, I really liked how this series treated them. Radice took time to first develop them as individuals, give them distinct personalities that also work apart. She made also sure to make them compatible and discretely foreshadow their romance, so when it comes it doesn’t feel forced or rushed but expected and natural. They also remain consistent as side characters who don’t disappear after their sideplot is concluded. They continue making appearences, both together and individually, that also forward the plot. The relationship between them evolves gradually, passing through different levels and situations to arrive at the point of ‘‘cannon’‘ events (by which I mean the disney lore outside of the saga).

I think that I said all I wanted to say, perhaps even more that needed to be said. But as I really like those characters and as I am a great fan of Radice and Turconi’s work I couldn’t pass up this chance to talk about them!

Thank you for reading and coping with my blabbering!

[laceymorganwrites]

Dabi fanfic update

So after the Responses I got yesterday I decided to write two fanfics, I´ll list the ideas I have so far down below and as Always you can send in any ideas that come to your mind. I will Keep you updated on the stories (I´m trying to make them longrunning like my Nanatsu no Taizai and Bakugo fic, which yes, will be continued).

Dabi fanfic 1:

Reader finds Dabi bleeding out in the Elevator and treats his wounds

they´re neighbors

she´s friendly and a medic

they fall in love but Dabi pushes her away because she´s too good for him etc.

Dabi fanfic 2:

they´re neighbors too

the fic starts with Dabi moving in and the Reader helping him

they develope a Deep friendship and Dabi eventually starts crushing on her

however she is with Stain at that Moment (we can have some self-hatred and angst on Dabi´s part)

Stain cheats on her and Dabi comforts her

they burn all of his stuff together (she is mad because she did all of the Videos of Stain and uploaded them, so she´s the reason he´s famous and he cheated on her with a fan)

one time they were partying at night and when they´re on the way home a drunk guy Comes up wo them and Insults Dabi but the Reader gets Angry at that and handles the situation

So, I also had this idea where the Reader is a barmaid for the league and a cute sleepover Scene, but those fit in both fanfics so yeah...we´ll have to decide what to do with that at a later Point. Thanks so much for helping me out, sharing ideas and creating something together is amazing, I should do it more often! I´ll credit you explicitally when the first chapter will be posted. 

[buckybarnesbingo]

BBB Week 13 Roundup!

Sorry it’s a day late, Tumblr Mod is just losing her mind a little bit!

Title: Enemy Collaborator: grimeysociety Link: AO3 Square Filled: U1 - Bucky/Darcy Ship: Bucky/Darcy Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Explicit Sexual Content Summary: Friendship with Bucky began like pulling a thorn out of a wolf’s paw. Word Count: 3522

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Title: Because I could not stop for Death - (He kindly stopped for me): Chapter 4 Collaborator: Faustess Link: AO3 Square Filled: C3 - Free Square Ship: WinterPepperony Rating: Teen Major Tags: Inspired by Corpse Bride (2005), Angst with a Happy Ending, Not Cheating, Pre-Poly, Supernatural Elements Summary: Tony apologizes and realizes his feelings for Bucky go deeper than he'd realized. Later, Dr. Strange points out that they aren't truly married because Tony is unfortunately alive. Count along - there will be three weddings and a (very hasty) funeral in this chapter! Word Count: 16,249

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Title: “That treasure of yours better be worth it Stark!” - Moodboards Collaborator: sianmcawesome Link: Tumblr Square Filled: K2 - Bucky/Clint/Tony Ship: WinterIronHawk Rating: Gen Major Tags: moodboards, snakes, skulls, medical equipents (for pics under the cut), mention of Obediah Stane Summary: 4 moodboards for the WinterIronHawk meets Indiana Jones/National Treasure/Blood and Treasure/every other Treasure Hunter movie and show out there story I´ll probably never get around to writing.

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Title: Pinup Calendar October: Steve/Bucky - Mad Hatter Day Collaborator: carnival_of_rust Link: AO3 Square Filled: C4 - Secret Admirer Ship: Stucky Rating: Mature Major Tags: art, nudity Summary: The Alice In Wonderland AU wherein Bucky fingers some butter and smol Steeb forgets his pants.

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Title: Pinup Calendar December: Steve/Bucky - Midnight Kisses Collaborator: carnival_of_rust Link: AO3 Square Filled: K2 - Love at first sight Ship: Stucky Rating: Mature Major Tags: art, nudity Summary: Ever wondered where the bubbles in champagne come from?

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Title: High on You Collaborator: hddnone Link: AO3 Square Filled: U3 - Teammates Ship: WinterIron Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Sex Pollen, Dubious Consent, Non-consensual drug use (from the sex pollen), allusion to Clint/Nat/Steve Summary: Sex pollen. Just another Tuesday as an Avenger.Strucker is wrong about it distracting the Avengers too much to fight - well, with the exception of those with the serum. It hits them a little differently than the rest of the team. Word Count: 3481

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Title: End Of All Days - Chapter 18: Part XVII Collaborator: Minka Link: AO3 Square Filled: K4 – Terrible Choices Ship: Stucky Rating: Mature Major Tags: extremely unsettling happenings, non-sexual power play and some good old-fashioned ‘torture for information’ tactics Summary: Alright guys, we all knew this was coming! Warning for some extremely unsettling happenings, non-sexual power play and some good old-fashioned ‘torture for information’ tactics. Parental guidance recommended…?? IDK. But like, if you can’t get through a James Bond torture scene, or a violent episode of Game of Thrones or equivalent, then this chapter probably isn’t for you. Word Count: 83,731

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Title: (It All Started With) A Night at the Nat - Chapter 9 Collaborator: Politzania Link: AO3 Square Filled: Pining & Apology Ship: WinterIronHawk Rating: Explicit Major Tags: explicit sexual content Summary: The three of them have breakfast together, and after seeing Tony off, Clint and Bucky hang out and discuss boundaries and expectations. Word Count: 11,746

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Title: Stardust Collaborator: Avidreader6 Link: AO3 Square Filled: Kink: BDSM Ship: WinterIron Rating: Explicit Major Tags: explicit sexual content Summary: The lights in the bedroom are dimmed to a warm soft glow when Tony enters and he’s not surprised to find that Bucky has gotten there first. He’s waiting on his knees, in the center of the room, and there’s only the slightest twitch of his shoulders to give away that he knows Tony has come in. Word Count: 6834

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Title: N/A Collaborator: zainniko Link: Tumblr Square Filled: K2 - Bucky/Tony Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: art Summary: Bucky gives Tony a massage (No powers AU)

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Title: Subliminal Advertising Collaborator: Kalee60 Link: AO3 Square Filled: K2 - Kink: “Harder.” Ship: Stucky Rating: Explicit Major Tags: explicit sexual content Summary: Bucky is a walking disaster when it comes to gorgeous men. He stumbles over words, says inane things and makes a bit of an idiot of himself. So when he sees the most glorious man in all existence helping a little old lady out at his local supermarket, he knows there is no way he can string a sentence together and look smooth (considering he’s a train wreck in disguise). Cue an impromptu photo opportunity with a well placed product, that in turn somehow begins a pun laden photo game as Bucky starts to bump into the breathtaking man on the regular while shopping. Who’d have thought so many mundane advertisements were so suggestive? So with a little help from his meddling best friend, a lot of misunderstandings and a crush the size of the Empire State Building, can Bucky find enough courage to ask out the man who hopefully, will ‘melt in his mouth, not in his hand?’ Word Count: 22,770

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Title: That's What She Said Collaborator: betheflame Link: AO3 Square Filled: C2 - Shopping Together Ship: Stuckony Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Get Together, Drunk Consent, explicit sexual content Summary: Steve had a massive crush on his TA, which he was hiding from his boyfriend, until a chance meeting in the chip aisle at Target changed everything. Word Count: 3378

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Title: No Other Love (3/3) Collaborator: grimeysociety Link: AO3 Square Filled: C2: “It Wasn’t Worth It” Ship: Bucky/Darcy Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Explicit Sexual Content, References to Violence/Gore, PTSD, Angst, Hurt/Comfort Summary: While on the run, Bucky meets Dee, a working girl he can’t seem to shake. Word Count: 19,616

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Title: Pinup Calendar December: Bucky Barnes - Christmas with Captain Snowman Collaborator:  LiquidLightz Link: AO3 Square Filled: U5 - Realistic Art Style Ship: none Rating: Teen Major Tags: art, nudity Summary: My December pinup of Bucky Barnes with Captain... Snowman 🙃 celebrating Christmas 🎄 🎅🏻 and Winter ❄️ ⛄️This is just one of over 40 artworks created, by 20+ artists, for the Marvel Art Party Pin-Up Calendar 🎉😍Click on the collection to check out all the other months, from July 2020 to Dec 2021, and download your favourites to put together your own printable calendar.

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Title: Missing Pieces Collaborator: LiraelClayr007 Link: AO3 Square Filled: U1 - galaxy Ship: WinterHawk Rating: Teen Major Tags: emotional hurt comfort, childhood memories, angst with a happy ending, established relationship Summary: When Clint becomes down and distracted, Bucky takes it upon himself to discover what’s bothering his boyfriend. Even though Clint won’t talk about it. Even though Bucky has too many missing pieces. Or, In which Bucky goes to great lengths to make Clint smile. Word Count: 2942

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Title: When a Bad Day (Month) Turns Good Collaborator: Purple_ducky00 Link: AO3 Squares Filled: Chapter 1 - Tony’s POV: B1 - This might as well happen Chapter 2 - Bucky’s POV: U2 - Bucky/Tony Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: Broken bones, Sleep deprivation, unhealthy coping mechanisms Summary: Tony and Bucky are both having terrible days, or, in Bucky's case, months. When Bucky falls asleep on Tony, how will they both react when we wakes up? Word Count: 2106

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Title: Because I could not stop for Death - (He kindly stopped for me) Collaborator: Faustess Link: AO3 Squares Filled: Chapter 2 -  B2: ‘Oh hell, no.’ Chapter 3 -  U3: “Don’t say it!” Chapter 4 -  C3: Free Square Ship: WinterPepperony Rating: Teen Major Tags: Inspired by Corpse Bride (2005), Angst with a Happy Ending, Not Cheating, Pre-Poly, Supernatural Elements Summary: Howard Stark and his wife are wealthy industrialists looking for an entrance into polite society. Lord and Lady Potts are aristocrats one sneeze away from the poorhouse. Their heirs will marry and both sets of parents will get what they want... as long as everything goes According To Plan. (Hint: it doesn't). Word Count: 17,099

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Title: Are You Sure About This? Collaborator: Fighting_for_Creativity Link: AO3 Square Filled: U4 - Bucky/Tony/Rhodey Ship: Bucky/Tony/Rhodey Rating: Explicit Major Tags: explicit sexual content Summary: Tony, Bucky, and Rhodey had been dating for a long while now. They were in a happy and healthy relationship, able to talk about almost everything. When Tony had down days, the other two were there to cheer him up, show him how good life could be. And Tony did the same for them. Sometimes, though, they still had hiccups in their daily life. But, ultimately, that was ok, because they were ok. Maybe that was why Tony felt safe enough to just say what he thought with them. Maybe that was a deciding factor in why Tony blurted out that he wanted both of them, inside him simultaneously. Word Count: 3658

[fly-pow-bye]

DuckTales 2017 - “Challenge of the Senior Junior Woodchucks!”

Story by: Francisco Angones, Madison Bateman, Colleen Evanson, Christian Magalhaes, Bob Snow

Written by: Madison Bateman and Francisco Angones

Storyboard by: Stephanie Gonzaga, Krystal Uretra, Brandon Warren

Directed by: Matthew Humphreys

The big return we all waited for.

Apologies for anyone expecting any ThunderCats 1985 today, because my new main show is back, and I have priorities. Maybe I'll go back to ThunderCats 1985 if people really want it, but for right now, new DuckTales, woo-oo.

This brand new season starts with a Woodchuck graduation ceremony, where Scoutmaster McQuack reads a speech about how the Woodchuck's teachings mix the knowledge of the old and the discoveries of the new, and how he should not read the directions on what painting to point to. In this ceremony, the Junior Junior Woodchucks become Junior Woodchucks, the Junior Woodchucks become the Senior Junior Woodchucks, and one particular Senior Junior Woodchuck will get the highest rank a Woodchuck could have: a Senior Woodchuck. One particular Senior Junior Woodchuck is ready to receive that honor, as he managed to memorize the speech to the point where he can lip sync Launchpad's lines.

Launchpad slowly introduces this would be as a close personal friend, which signals to me that the question isn't how Huey is going to accept this honor, but what unexpected person ends up being the candidate instead.

Launchpad slowly introduces this would be as a close personal friend, which signals to me that the question isn't how Huey is going to accept this honor, but what unexpected person ends up being the candidate instead.

As expected, this star candidate is a different person than Huey thought it would be, as he slowly inches backward, and that candidate is...Violet! I can imagine some pushback for this twist, as even Huey questions how Violet would be a star candidate if she never been to any Woodchuck Jamborees. Huey has always seen himself as the greatest Junior Woodchuck since the beginning of the show, and now this relatively new character that barely did anything special and was mostly just Webby 2 is now going to usurp Huey's throne?

Well, not really. It turns out, Huey ends up being the second star candidate, though Launchpad only seems to know him as Dewey's brother. The Scoutmaster declares that the two candidates must race in the Junior Woodchuck Wilderness Challenge! The crowd cheers the favorite's name, and unfortunately for Huey, it's not him. Everyone loves Violet!

Going away from that for a bit, we have to talk about the theme song, as Season 3, much like Season 2, has a twist on the opening theme. Aside from having to shorten it for this episode, Della Duck appears along with her family now. Now that she's established herself as a character in this series, and not just a shocking plot twist, it's only fitting she appears now. Hopefully we’ll get to see where she fits in the full opening if this season ever has it.

As Huey ponders about his existence as only being the second choice for being a Senior Woodchuck, Scrooge looks fondly at the same painting Launchpad was told to point to. Louie knows where this is going.

Louie: Cute story about Scrooge as a lad in three, two, one...

That painting is of legendary explorer Isabella Finch, and Scrooge read a collection of her adventures as a wee lad. This even includes some more of those well drawn Golden Book-esque illustrations of him as a kid reading her book and Finch herself proving her legendary status. She was a legend even to Scrooge McDuck, a legend in his own right, and Scrooge says that her legacy should be respected. He shows this by grabbing the map she was holding in it, shocking everyone in the room.

He calms down the kids by saying she totally meant for someone to grab that hidden map right from the painting. He just wants to respect her legacy by finding a treasure she decided to hide. This leads to a B plot, which I will talk about later.

Back to the A plot, the big challenge is described: race to each trail marker, put their flag on them, and survive with the help with their knowledge of the Woodchucks until they reach the final marker on the mountain's peak. Whoever gets their flag on the last trail marker wins the coveted Senior Woodchuck status. There is another stipulation that really hits Huey hard: it's not an open-book challenge, as McQuack already confiscated it earlier. This does add to the tension: he always carried the Woodchuck Guidebook with him and consulted its guidance, but can Huey pass a test without its help?

Huey seems to think so, as he was born ready for this. At least, that's what he tells himself and his opponent, and Violet isn't exactly swayed by this. In fact, she says that he is as ready as a helpless baby. Lena told her that friendly smack-talk is good for competition. Huey, remembering his sportsmanship, doesn't take the insult and instead holds out his hand for a handshake to start this friendly competition. They don't quite get that handshake going before Scoutmaster McQuack blows his airhorn, and that might be some foreshadowing.

As the race begins, Scrooge, Donald, Della, and the kids that are not named Huey go out in an expedition for the hidden treasure of Isabella Finch. Unfortunately for Scrooge, this dancing, whistling bird keeps popping up with a distracting song that Dewey can't help but dance to. Scrooge is annoyed by the bird, as much as everyone else thinks the bird is the word. No, they didn't license that song, thankfully.

That's really it for B plot, to be honest. There is a good amount of convergence of the two plots throughout this episode, but it doesn't really amount to much until the very end. It wasn’t that I was dreading these scenes, as there are some good moments here and there, but otherwise, eh.

Huey ends up thinking, only to find that not only has Violet managed to get to the first marker, and not only did Violet have enough time to write Huey a letter saying that if he's holding the letter, he's in second place, she even stood on by to ask Huey if that was good smack talk. Huey is angered by this, and throws the crumpled up letter to the ground...which he then has to pick up, because littering the environment is not what a Boy Scout should do. It is easy to notice Huey isn't doing very well at this without his almighty guidebook, and this is taking a toll even on his ability to be a good Woodchuck.

The obstacle before the next trail marker is rain. Not just any rain either, but the Lightning Rain of Chimpopo, as described by Scrooge in the B plot. That's the convergence; since they're exploring the same ground, it only makes sense that they go through the same obstacles and deal with them in different ways. Also, Chimpopo? Not the first thing I thought I heard, as someone who watched South Park.

Huey does run across some rubber plant, which would help him with this lightning rain, but he struggles to get it off of the ground. Violet, who already has a makeshift helmet, even helps him out by telling him to. She doesn't really have an understanding of how competitions or sick burns work, and Huey is losing his understanding of how to be a good sport and how to survive in the wilderness, as he eventually gets lost. If only there was some sort of guidebook somewhere else, not necessarily a literal guidebook...

...but the guidebook that rests in his own mind. It even talks, calling himself J.W. Guidebook, and giving him helpful hints like putting a stick in the ground and following the sun via that stick's shadow. With that imaginary guidebook that represents his inner knowledge after studying the book for so long, nothing can stop him now.

Then a bear shows up. Once again, a regular bear. I wonder if their existence is going to come up when Baloo makes his appearance. Hey, it's not a spoiler if he appeared on the poster. Anyway, he ends up using rope to climb a nearby tree, knowing that Violet wouldn't figure that one out.

Of course, she did figure that one out, though this time he managed to do it at the same time. Violet calms him down with another bit of trash talk, courtesy of her friend Lena.

Violet: If it makes you feel better, Lena told me "first is the worst and second is the best." Though, factually that's wrong by any metr...iiiick! (branch breaks)

Thankfully for her, she lands on a different branch, one that happened to have a beehive that she can chop off the tree and cause the bear to run away. Is that really a Junior Woodchuck thing to do, though? It's not like they're cutting down trees, but this seems pretty bad for the bees. It solves the problem anyway, so who cares.

Unfortunately, she does get stuck on that branch, as there's no branch nearby to rope to. According to J.W., this is a perfect chance for Huey to prove his memorization of the Woodchuck rules, as "Me Rule 17" states that a Woodchuck looks out for their fellow Woodchucks.

Unfortunately, following the guidebook's guidance is nothing compared to his unwillingness to let Violet take his throne as the nerdiest of the nerds, as Louie put it, and he decides to leave Violet behind. Huey finds out that Violet is able to find a way up the tree without his help, using a woodpecker, so it's totally fine. Right from this scene, I could already tell how this flag race was going to end.

I may not have expected this, though. The final trial marker on top of the mountain is behind a bridge over a volcano. Okay, is this the Junior Woodchucks, or this is Battle Royale? I could believe that the lightning rain or potential bear attacks were not planned, and the Woodchucks were supposed to be prepared for this, but putting a rickety bridge over lava as the final test? Makes me wonder if Launchpad has something to hide.

After getting a guilt trip from his own head-book, Huey decides not to test the bridge to see if it would even hold up his weight. Sure, it's only been roasting over a volcano for the last however many years this challenge existed, but time is of the essence!

Sure enough, Huey's lack of preparedness leads to his literal downfall. Wow, what a way to start the season. Not only is Violet going to be the new Senior Woodchuck, I guess Violet has to be the new Huey too.

No, they reveal after the commercial break that of course Huey survives, hanging off of the bridge. Angones did promise someone was going to die, and this episode does deliver on that, but it wasn't going to be Huey. Watch the episode if you want to find out about that.

Huey has to show off by using the rope he had earlier as a tightrope. Wow, it really is the Eliminator from the Simpsons, except that was only over a bunch of thorns!

They at the very least know what convection currents are, as Violet ends up using them to power a makeshift hang-glider. Also, Huey has to dodge some fire, which would be perfect inspiration for a video game level. Eventually, even when he finally decides to do the same formation Lisa did with that very similar obstacle in an outright evil military school, Huey slips off. Is this the end?

Of course not. Violet ends up saving Huey, reminding him of the Junior Woodchuck rule to always help out their fellow woodchucks. As Huey realizes, that was a rule that he ignored, and he sees himself as someone who isn't a true Woodchuck unlike Violet. He almost considers throwing his Junior Woodchuck sash in the lava. Thankfully, he was convinced not to do that by Violet. How? By telling him throwing away your former achievements is kind of silly?

One thing that convinces Huey is that there happens to be a "failure" Junior Woodchuck badge, and she got at least one of them. She says she had failed many times before now, and with those failures, she has learned to be the best. It's a little bit less than winning the whole thing, but he accepts the fate anyway, as his guilt wouldn't let him put the flag on. That badge is not nearly as random as it seems; being able to accept failure is a virtue, and that's something Huey gets to learn.

As he lets Violet put the flag on the final trail marker, the little section in the middle of the volcano lowers into a cavern, where Scoutmaster Launchpad is ready to divvy out the award. I was almost expecting a twist where they reveal the volcano wasn't real. I guess that wouldn't explain the lightning rain, though. Or the actual convection currents that were coming off of it. We don't really get that.

Huey accepts his failure badge from Scoutmaster McQuack, coming right from his own sash which even has a compartment of the many, many times he has failed, and Violet becomes the new Senior Woodchuck. Della Duck isn't too happy that her son didn't get the big prize of the episode, and has to be calmed down. After having to experience lightning rain and bears, I couldn't blame her. In the end, everyone is happy.

Proud of this achievement are two characters that, almost like a certain ogre cop from a recent Disney movie, say absolutely nothing and can easily be removed from the scene with no harm done to the plot. It is a shame that Disney couldn't go any further with the LGBT representation without having to gut the entire episode for other countries, but I'll take anything we can get at this point.

It turns out that, by accepting the annoying bird, it led them right to the treasure they were looking for, much to Scrooge's delight and slight confusion! What was the treasure? All I can say is that we end with a tease that is basically the same as the tease from the last episode, though it comes with essentially a preview of what's to come. Watch the episode for more details on that.

How does it stack up?

There's really nothing wrong with this episode. Despite giving me a feeling in the beginning of the episode, it didn't make me hate Webby 2, er, Violet. Honestly, considering this season was teased to be the "Huey gets to learn something" season, it's not a bad opener to start with. It's just not extraordinary.

Same deal with the ThunderCats reviews: DuckTales 2017 will get the out of 5 rating system as well. I'm tired of giving "low happies" and "low neutrals", they're 4s and 2s, respectively. Meet the new rating system, where I rate 1 to 5 Scrooges. Remember: I do rate on a relative scale, and DuckTales, along with the legacy of the Disney Ducks, is usually good. This one is merely a 3.

Next, TGIF. Or, TGIS, in this case.

← Moonvasion! 🦆 Quack Pack! →

[val-bananatine]

Anyone else here having played dragon quest 11? If so; what are your thoughts about it?

To share my own, warning: a rant incoming:

I personally am a huge fan of the dragon quest series. Started with DQ9 and got so hooked that I bought as many of the older games I could find to play through, got the remake of DQ7 - and was super excited when I heard that DQ11 was on its way (I admit: I was upset about hearing that the 3ds version was only available in Japan, but hey, didn't stop me).

When I first was asked for a review on it, I was amazed and still overly happy about finally having the time to play it after months of it laying around. I... I wasn't as deep in the story yet as I thought, and the further I played, the more I noticed some flaws that started to bother me more and more.

Now I took some time to see how other players and sites viewed it and took a look at their views - and I was a little disappointed to see that those things weren't mentioned. So I will bring them up now:

Again warning: The following will heavily focus on this aspect that I criticize. This is in no way intended to make the entire game bad, it has a lot of other features which add to the image as well. It may seem like I try to make the entire game look bad by focusing on this point, but that is not the intention. The intention lies within shedding light to this and wondering if anyone else has noticed it as well.

I was disappointed to see that the main female cast was weakly represented and that a lot of their lives and backstories revolve around men. Like yeah that can happen but it was 2017 at the release and I feel like we can give more representation than the stereotype, especially when that doesn't happen in just ONE of the female main characters, but in a lot of them (gladly, not all).

To the start of the game: Stereotypically we've got the main protagonists childhood friend who obviously seemed to have a crush on him, and later on was very focused on him. I really didn't mind that because it's just so known I just shrugged it off.

A little later we meet our first female team mates, the twins Veronica and Serena. Was I the only one who was a little weirded out that they introduced themselves (and apparently were raised with that view too) as their sole purpose being to serve and aid the hero? As the story progressed further, I honestly was pretty bothered by how their lives seemed to always have revolved around that and their future apparently only consisting of being the heros’ shield and aid. Gladly much later on in the game we found out about Veronica's life goals, it wasn't much to equal it, but I was glad to see.

It gets weird for me at Jade, the hero's "adopted sister" (Their kingdoms were super close and she explained multiple times how she felt and acts like his big sister). Her first introduction is overly focusing on s*xualizing her (who tf would give her such an outfit for a martial arts fighter anyways? This detailed boob cupping isn't protecting her chest at all), we didn't know then about that family thing. Even more bothers me everything at the Casino where she's been brainwashed by a monster into a flirty bunny girl with a heart choker and uses s*xual styled attacks, on our hero as well like flirting with him. Knowing that family lore made the fight super uncomfortable for me. There's more about what they could possibly be hinting on that happened to her, but I will not go into detail about this as it is highly triggering.

So here we've got our team... but you know what else bothered me? How some of the female villains were portrayed. The MOST disappointing by FAR was Crystalinda for me. Introduced as an incredibly powerful witch in the century of legends where even the strongest mage couldn't defeat her without help of the monsters, a woman who terrorized an entire kingdom and more with just a snap of her fingers - fcking strong and badass. You know what happened to her? They turned her into a moaning mess who lusted after the first guy that found her book. She was obsessed by thinking he's hot and wanting to be his bride, her talking was mostly accompanied by moaning. Reasoned because she was "so lonely and he was the first to talk to her again". Bro tf did you do to this badass woman?! Idc that you reason in her info box that she's a "hopeless romantic". You could have also just not added that, give us a strong villain tf who doesn't melt because one (1) man appeared.

Or the woman with the other world behind the fresco, I only know her German name now and I think I remember that it's different in English. Ruins of one of the most powerful kingdoms back then, she probably was the powerful ruler of it - and she is obsessed with being the grand villains bride. Uh-

TW: MENTION OF S**CIDE

I could also comment on the Mermaid Mishelle, whose entire point of existence was that she fell in love with a man and waited decades for him to come back; only to k*ll herself when she found out that he passed away a long while ago (I did cry though at that story, it was very emotional).

But to be fair: you've also got strong women who don't rely on that as their story. The woman who raised the hero (German name is Petra) and was loved by the whole village and was a strong woman with a strong mind, but of course was a very caring mom too.

Or the queen of the mermaids, her German name is Marina and I love it. She's strong, majestic, wise, and has her heart with her people. There do exist strong females in the more main character section, of course, but a majority is catering for men or being s*xualized in favor of them, and I think that the team could have done better on that.

Now, not all other games have done much better. In DQ5 an important plot is that one man demands to marry one of his daughters or your childhood friend in exchange for a much needed child. But I also remember characters of other games who had more personality than catering. And that's on that.

Story wise it's awesome. Being perceived as an evil by some instead of the hope as always? Hell yeah THAT is a change (my guess is that both, the term "luminary" and "dark spawn" are correct, depending on whose side you look at. Ofc the monsters would fear him and see him as evil, his point is to banish them and keep them away). Well... to Act 2 at least. I don't want to talk about Act 3, but that is a personal preference. Some may like doing everything again from an arc with some changes and a different starting situation... I absolutely hate that, because it gives me the feeling of having done everything before for nothing. And no- I don't wanna sacrifice deep friendships and understandings, redemption arcs and clearing past things up, helping some people out of misery, to get one person back, and lose everything of that in return because only I travel back to that point. And it gets way worse after that anyways.

The writing is... good. It had some of these things you see in "DON'T do that" writing advice blogs (eg awful sibling dialogue in showing how they're siblings) - but I think those flaws in some scenes only stood out to me because I dealt with these blogs just a bit before playing.

Some sites say it's "the best game of the franchise so far", do I agree with that? No. It's a moderate to good game, it has some very nice new mechanics (some which sadly don't have any practical use. Eg being able to walk freely in battles but it doesn't affect that ur getting hit no matter where you stand) and a new interesting story with good throwbacks to older, by now traditional, game settings - but the "new" here wasn't nearly impressing me as much as new things did in previous games. And there's also this flaw with having a problem in diverse and strong female main characters. This isn't to excuse the game mechanics of some of the previous games which sometimes also have a very shitty stereotype dominating (See DQ5) - but again: especially in 2017 (release of the game), where we've an uprising demand and change in better representation of women other than negative stereotypes and flat characters, I would expect a better development of the characters. At least that this problem doesn't take up a good majority.

And you know- amazing graphics (I have to give them that, that was fantastic) aren't the only requirement to be the best game of the series. In fact, graphics should play a minor role as a game can be capturing and fascinating without having the most realistic or detailed graphics. It's about the content in it. So yeah, it's an overall good game, but I wouldn't call it the best - and I really want to encourage a by far better representation on the next game. U can do better.

And yeah, it is a part of many to complete this game, but it sadly was a part that bothered me more the more I played it. Because when I first noticed that one character was bad representation, I took a closer look at the others to see if they do better, and unfortunately a lot didn’t. So please improve this next time, let us have deep female characters again who are strong and badass.